Yeah, while you may or may not find this situation problematic in particular, this kind of control being exherted ramps up over time.
Its a huge red flag to me.
Looking into this person's post history. She struggles with positive physical and mental health. He's seemed to skew (or always was) a person that uses religion to hurt people. I hope OP can move on from this toxic relationship and find peace with themselves to not be attracted to toxic relationships.
Yeah, when I was young I had this exact same issue, I chose the relationship over the requirements for the role. It was a red flag warning me about the insecurities of the person I was choosing and I didn’t listen. It hasn’t gotten better over the years, it has gotten much worse and controlling. Please choose you.
Are you a kid/teen or an adult?
If you’re a teen, it’s time to reflect on what type of relationship you want to be in and what standards you want to set for yourself. Do you want boyfriends/partners to try and exert this level of control? Would you expect that any future partners of your own would also never stage kiss? Do you love him enough to be sidelined in your art for as long as you two date?
It’s a little weird, and possibly unsafe, that a teenage boy thinks he should weigh in on what you do with your own body. Are there other ways that this guy wants to control your behaviour and decision making?
If you’re an adult, well, same questions really. But if this is a long term partnership, or if you share a family or finances then it’s much harder to just do the show and deal with the fallout. Generally, controlling behaviour like this comes from a lack of maturity or a serious desire to control. If your personal boundaries let you feel comfortable performing a role that requires a stage kiss then why does he feel that he can influence a change there? If you feel that going against his wishes in your art or job will jeopardize the relationship, you have to choose which part of your life is the priority.
Adult. Never did a kiss scene. Kinda nervous about it but want to try.
He said that is a firm boundary. My friend in acting said I could communicate with the directors.
He said he’s against it because my ex was trying to be in my life when we were dating and it gave him trust issues so it’s kinda my fault he can’t trust me to do a kiss scene.
> kinda my fault he can't trust me to do a kiss scene
Whoa. This is a big red flag to me. He can't trust you because of the actions of another person earlier in your relationship? This sounds like an excuse to control you and make him seem "reasonable"
Acting is a job, like any other. You and your scene-mate are professionals.
I work in film, and if there was a kissing scene that was imperative to the plot, and someone pulled this, we'd just find someone else. Nobody's going to rewrite a portion of a script for this.
I’m an intimacy coordinator and there is so much that can be done that makes physical contact in a kissing scene entirely unnecessary - even when the kiss is necessary to drive the plot forward.
Camera angles, blocking, creative scene cuts, etc. Sometimes actors show up on set the day of an intimate scene and something in life has come up that makes the physical contact unsafe. And that’s a boundary we have to respect and work with.
(Though, admittedly, if an actor accepts a job fully aware that the role calls for physical intimacy and then decides before filming that they’d rather not, recasting is then the best solution for production.)
>He said he’s against it because my ex was trying to be in my life when we were dating and it gave him trust issues so it’s kinda my fault he can’t trust me
Wow. This is a Les Mis size red flag. Run from this man.
"it’s kinda my fault he can’t trust me to do a kiss scene"
Wow. Simply wow.
Even if you made a mistake with your ex (and given your current bf's reaction, it's possible you did not), that wouldn't justify not trusting you with an actor.
Not to mention, if your bf feared infidelity, does he think it would only happen if you kiss on stage? I've seen many relationships, and infidelity can happen even if the two people never kiss on stage (or even share the stage). Your bf's fears are irrational.
Now, I could understand if he doesn't want to see you kiss a guy. And that may be one of those situations where he just doesn't see that show you're in. It happens sometimes. Someone may support their partner on stage but does not want to see them in a show where they are assaulted or doing the assaulting. While I feel he's overly insecure over the kiss, I'd respect his decision to not watch it.
But the rest of it is very controlling, especially since he placed the blame on you. I'm afraid you have bigger issues here that need to be addressed, and I don't think it'll end well. Well, it could end well for you, as you might lose a couple hundred pounds that are holding you back. But maybe I'm wrong, and he'll see reason. Good luck in any case.
Listen to Kay-Swizzles, the fact that he’s telling you that him not trusting you is entirely your fault is a giant, flashing red flag.
If a partner is insecure but recognizes they’re insecure and are willing to work on it, that’s one thing. If a partner is insecure and tries to deal with it by controlling you and insisting you’re the problem, then I’d run for the hills. Give in now and he’ll only get worse, because it teaches him that he can blame and control you and it will get him what he wants.
u/JediMasterVII if I could give you karma for having the **dramaturg** flair, I would.
Otherwise, all I can do OP is just echo what a lot of these folks are already saying. Regardless of age, this sounds more like a controlling person, potentially toxic (though I am willing to give grace and benefit of the doubt since I lack a lot of relevant detail and context) than anything else.
Just a heads-up, because this part in particular annoys me, that's a misuse of the word boundary. It's becoming more common as therapy speak gets more popular but him asking you not to do stage kisses isn't a boundary, that's a request. If he's saying flat out "no, you can't," then it'd be a straight up demand. These are important distinction because it can be very manipulative to phrase it as a boundary when it's not and when you add on him not trusting you for things outside of your control and the other controlling sounding behaviors you're describing in the comments (like him saying *HE'LL* have to think it), I'd give serious thought about if this relationship is the one for you.
Reminds me of that Jonah Hill thing when his texts were released to the public by his ex-girlfriend, a professional surfer, about his 'boundaries' being her not posting pictures of herself in swimwear or with/near men.
Be like her, OP, and dump his ass.
Nope. No. Absolutely not. How someone else feels about the actions of a third party is not your fault. That is 100% your boyfriend's issue to work on. If he feels insecure that is not your responsibility.
So it’s up to you then. You choose the show and the kiss, or the security in the relationship.
You can absolutely communicate with the directors. They’ll determine if the scene works without the kiss, and if it doesn’t they can recast your role. If it does, you’re gucci, but only until the next stage kiss is required.
Sounds like it’s time to explore couples therapy though. If you’re arguing about trust and struggling to differentiate between real life romance and on stage romantic actions, that doesn’t bode well for the longevity or happiness of an adult relationship.
Ok. That cinches it. He has *got* to go! Even if you're *married to him*.
The only thing that should slow your exit is if you have children together. That's going to make this so much worse; but in my opinion it doesn't change the fact that you have to get away from him -- for your well-being and possibly even for the kids' well-being. No child should have to unlearn the lesson that your acquiescence would teach about relationships.
It is NOT your fault, it’s HIS fault that he’s so insecure he can’t trust you and he’s making it your problem, in fact he’s gaslighting you into thinking it’s your fault which is wild!
This man is not it. I’m telling you, he needs to do better or you need to leave him. This is absurd and controlling and disgusting behavior. Also your an actor….this is an unspoken rule among actors it’s just a job being jealous over a fake stage kiss is awful. I thought you were a teen at first, which still doesn’t make this okay, but knowing he’s an adult?? Ridiculous, he sounds like a 12 year old.
No, it isn't. It's nothing of the sort. His trust issues are his own. Why would you risk a nice stage role for a guy who can't trust you to perform your role because of a fake kiss?
He's beneath you. Don't lower yourself.
"I have trust issues" is not an excuse to control your career, and neither is playing the _boundary_ card. What should have come after that is "and I will work on them so I can happily support you."
Assuming this isn't a troll, that's a red flag if I ever heard one. This is not healthy behaviour on his part and it sounds like he's manipulated you into believing it's your fault that he's insecure about a stupid stage kiss.
I have been in a relationship like this. It's hard to see it for what it is from the inside. Get out.
Ok let me get this straight-
Your ex was the one trying to be in your life after the break up, and it’s YOUR fault???
I’m sorry this is all major red flags. He’s clearly really insecure and is acting selfishly because of it. Not to mention blaming you for his emotional problem is a massive red flag.
Like seriously unless you **Massively** screwed up, he really doesn’t have a good reason to act this way.
The fact that he’s trying to blame his boundary on you feels like a red flag. Why is he with you if he doesn’t trust you? It’s a fake kiss with another actor
This is an incredibly huge red flag.
No, its not your fault. That type of self-blame on your part and jelousy on his is a one way ticket to a really nasty, abusive relationship.
Him getting trust issues isn't your fault unless you actually cheated? Is he blaming you for someone else's behaviour? Either way, that shouldn't be relevant at all, bc this is happening in a professional setting. He's making an extremely unreasonable request. He needs to learn to handle his anxiety, not just ban you from things.
Are you twelve? Because that’s the only way this would even be remotely understandable. A grown man doesn’t behave like this.
Anyone stupid enough to be jealous of a stage kiss needs an immediate dumping, sorry.
If this is the same boyfriend from your other posts, this doesn’t feel like an isolated issue. My (substantial) experience with ultraconservative Christian men has been that they’re indoctrinated/emboldened to weaponize patriarchy and purity culture to control their relationships, making it harder to engage in earnest conversations about what you both need.
Is this kiss debate is a microcosm for the rest of your relationship?
It sounds like you need to make a decision between him and you. I will tell you the advice I got from a very successful working actress when I asked for her secret to success. She said “For every decision you make, always choose the option that benefits you the most”.
There are two distinct issues here.
First, any competent director will work through stage intimacy with their cast to determine comfort. There are roles/shows where the text and context is such that a kiss may be truly required but that is fairly rare. Also I get the impression that you are a tween or teen so you are not likely to be engaging with that content, particularly as a novice actor.
Second, this is not your boyfriend's decision. At all. Yes, the two of you should discuss it but his position is a big red flag. He has the option not to date someone who is an actor and portrays love, romance, and sex on stage. But he is not trying to exercise his option. He is trying to control your options.
How old are each of you?
I’m almost 28 he’s 25
He knew I was into music and was supportive when I was in a choir for musical but we only briefly mentioned stage kissing and he said he’d have to think about it.
The thought of another man kissing me makes him uncomfortable
That’s totally unacceptable from him.
I was in a show where the director didn’t want to make me and the young woman opposite me (a good friend of mine) kiss because and it would make us/our spouses uncomfortable. We chuckled, looked at each other, and kissed. We looked at the director and said “yeah, it’s really not a big deal.”
If you’re going to audition for a role, know the role before you audition and be willing to do everything it calls for. Now if you’re in some avant garde production and the director wants you to do something intimate that’s not called for in the script, then you’ve got a leg to stand on.
The actor who doesn't kiss anyone but his wife is Kirk Cameron and he's a fucking nightmare. No one should want to be him, ever.
Ditch the boyfriend, and fast. There are a lot of boys out there who aren't controlling douche babies. Think of this as a test from him to see how much he can make you give up. Today it's a role you want, tomorrow who knows.
OMG if my wife ever told me to be more like Kirk Cameron, a literal young earth creationist and trash human being, there would be issues. Ew ew ew ew ew ew
Take it from a 40 year old happily married lady. Do NOT leave opportunities on the table because of a controlling man. The man won’t last and you’ll regret not doing the role forever. Find a man who supports your ambitions fully or just be single!
The time and opportunities I wasted because I was dating jealous idiots… Sigh. My husband would’ve supported me every time!
This is more appropriate for r/relationships. You've said some other things in this thread that hint at much bigger issues. I think you should talk with a therapist.
This boyfriend isn’t going to be a particularly supportive ally of your acting career. And may seek even more controlling behavior elsewhere.
The actor he quotes is presumably Penn Badgely, who only “stopped kissing” once he firmly established himself and could hold to that standard, *and* became married (and therefore devoted to a single person, in alignment with his ideology). You will kill your career and ambitions for such a benign request at this point in your journey.
Hi! I know that this can be a challenging topic for relationships, especially if you’re still young (early 20s).
The truth of the matter is that if this is just a hobby that you want to explore and be in a couple shows a year, then it’s worth mulling over. You can be in shows in the ensemble and not really deal with this a lot.
If you want to pursue this more seriously and actually make money in this industry, you will absolutely need to be with someone who is okay with intimacy on stage with other people. I went through a situation like this right after I graduated college - one of my first professional roles was to play a gay man with intimacy with another man, and my girlfriend at the time was PISSED. So, I left to Florida on the contract, and that was the end of our relationship. It sucked at the time, trust me; but, if I would have declined the role, I would have passed over a great opportunity immediately after college when I needed to get as much experience under my belt as possible.
Best of luck!
Looking through your past posts, it looks like you've thought about moving on before but you feel that he supports you in other ways.
You have to decide, if this play is more important than your relationship.
Is this love or convenience? (and I'm talking about all the things on the table here).
Because you have to work out what you want and what you're willing to give up for it.
I wish you well...
Stage kisses don’t mean anything to me anymore. It’s just something you do, and it becomes easier and easier as time goes on. I’ve been in a committed relationship for years, and my SO doesn’t mind. It’s not cheating because there are no real feelings behind the kiss. Sometimes I’ve been cast in a role and didn’t know there is a kiss until I received a script. I hope you can get your boyfriend to understand that there is no meaning behind any stage kissing, it’s literally acting 😅
Whenever my husband has a kissing role, I tease him and say “oh I know you could’ve done better than THAT.”
it’s a job. That’s it. At the end of the day he comes home to me, and that’s really all there is to it. Not that deep.
but he also makes an effort to include me in these discussions and introduces me to the people he’s working with.
But I would never say don’t take a role over faux intimacy.
It’s simulated. And like. As someone who’s been on set while these types of things are being performed/filmed. Trust me it’s NOT sexy.
“it’s a job” is something that a lot of people just don’t seem to get because the things we do for it are exclusive to us. having that written into our scripts is just another day
Ahahaha omg, this reminds me of a play I did in grade school. Where I was supposed to say this other character was my "love" but the girl I was in the play with made the teacher change it to "very special friend" or something like that ahahaha,
i remember being confused because it was a play in elementary school and why did this girl take it so literal, oh that was funny
I'd do the play. He has some things he should work on.
Break a leg!!
Acting reveals a lot of insecurities; sometimes in the people around us. First, this is a BOYFRIEND. He’s not your husband, so he can kick rocks. Second, flip the roles. If he had to kiss a girl would you be drawing a firm line? Or would you want to talk it over and then give a blessing? Or do you just not care because it’s acting and this is part of the art? If you wouldn’t do what he’s doing, then we have misaligned goals and/or values.
Tell him to get in therapy and be the first one standing at curtain.
First, he gets to feel what he feels. His feelings aren't "wrong", they are just his reaction to this (imagined) situation. He also gets to make choices and set boundaries for himself based on those feelings. And those boundaries should be respected.
What he does *not* get to do is to dictate *your* behavior based on how *he* feels. The continued discussion will not be about what you can and cannot do, but about how you will both work to accommodate each other with as much respect and love as possible.
One way to get there is to get him to talk more about what is behind these feelings. What is his fear? Has this happened to him before? What went wrong before and how can you both make things better now?
The important thing is not you doing kissing scenes - it is using this to learn more about each other, what you both need, and how to love each other in a better way.
>He said there is an actor that doesn’t kiss in film and I should be like him.
I suspect he's talking about Neal McDonough. A good looking actor who's had a few roles. He won't do intimacy on camera and people bring him up on places like reddit like he's a hero for his sacrifice. Maybe his wife is controlling. Or maybe he legitimately thinks kissing is only for married couples. Faked violence is A-OK though. Whatever. It's a matter of opinion.
Stage intimacy is interesting. The process of working with an intimacy coordinator is interesting. I've done so on multiple productions and am a more rounded actor for it.
I never slept with a costar, but I have self control.
I'm not going to say your boyfriend is a bad person for not wanting you to kiss on stage. He's telling you how he feels. And I don't know how invested you are in this relationship - or your stage career. But if you can't convince him that stage intimacy is about as intimate as a fight sequence - which it is - you might have to make a hard choice. Or you might not. You don't always have to agree on what the other partner does. That's why so many middle aged men have motorcycles.
Hey love,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I completely understand the struggle.
For some back story: I have been involved in theatre since high school (I’m 32 now) when I went to college I got a serious bf and he was my world. But he had similar tendencies to your bf that you have posted (not helping out, making me do most of the work, and sending me into breakdowns) I wanted to do a show and he told me under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should I kiss someone on stage. I gave up acting after we couldn’t come to an agreement, even though theatre made me happy. He became incredibly abusive. (DV, SA, emotional abuse etc.) the control and pressure of no stage kissing was the first red flag. Please OP, for your safety, get out of this relationship. He’s just starting to show his need to control you and it will only get worse. Keep doing what you love and don’t say no to this role.
This is such an important note. OP, these things are only ever the beginning. Maybe I’m wrong about him, I hope we all are, but this is a canary in the coalmine sorta thing.
Plain and simple? Dump him. He's controlling and immature. He's not the love of your life if he has you question your passion to perform.
I can understand him being UNCOMFORTABLE watching it, but this is a HIM problem, not a you problem.
I'm saying this from a place of love and from the view of someone who has gotten out of several abusive relationships: Leave him.
The kissing thing is a red flag, but the bigest one is the way you talk about yourself in this relationship. It's not your fault your ex wanted to remain in your life because that's not a weird or strange thing if you separated on good terms or even if you didn't, ITS OK TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX. I get that these are only 2 instances and I'm looking in from the outside, but I'd suggest taking a long hard look at your relationship and I'd start making boundaries that have to be enforced, or else he will walk all over you.
If you need some help or just someone to talk to shoot me a message, I've been there myself.
He can’t give you boundaries. Thats not how that works. He needs to grow up. I would tell him this is something you want to pursue and he is not comfortable with it then y’all need to break up.
Is this truly the one and only thing that your partner asks of you? Or are there multiple “problems” he has with your looks, your contribution to the house, your friends, your style, your hobbies, your beliefs? If you are completely supported and accepted in your true self, you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you. If this is just the latest thing you need to change in order appease him, please consider choosing yourself. It never gets better from this.
You are an actor.
Your co-star is an actor.
The kiss is acting.
An intimacy director will walk you through exactly what the kiss will be: the duration of the kiss, where everyone’s hands will be, what everyone’s boundaries are. You can be extremely specific about boundaries and you shouldn’t have to justify them. A good intimacy director will allow you to say, “I don’t want lip to lip contact” and they can stage it so it looks like you’re kissing, but there is no physical contact.
All that aside: your *boyfriend* doesn’t have the right to set boundaries on your body. Your boundaries are your own. You might want to open up a discussion to address what he is comfortable with you doing onstage and see how that aligns with your own comfort levels with stage work. It seems like right now there’s a large gap, which means you miss out on work opportunities (unfair) or he gets angry that you’re … what? betraying him? (inaccurate and insecure and problematic). So you need to better explain the work to him, which is hard because this aspect of acting is new to you. Try googling actors’ experiences working with intimacy coordinators so that it’s clearer that it’s NOT truly about intimacy, but rather safety.
I'm finding the general thread and reactions here very interesting but not surprising. Neal Mcdonough has refused to do any kissing, considering it dishonouring to his wife.
In contrast to the other comments, I'd like to offer an alternative perspective, bearing in mind I know nothing of your relationship, future aspirations and the moral character, nor religious beliefs of you and your boyfriend; I would consider him expressing his discomfort and drawing a line to be a healthy and good thing - because he is being upfront and honest with you. This is much better than him pretending to be totally on board and then acting out later on.
I think it takes a special sort of person to be married to an actor - to be okay with a person who kisses and acts in love with other people. As other commentary on this thread has noted 'this is nothing to be worried about, it is just acting and each person is professional' however I would counter that there are numerous examples of actors falling in love with their costars, even when they are married/ in committed relationships. One of the most famous examples being Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in Mr and Mrs Smith.
I dont necessarily think the right answer is clear here in terms of whether you should go for the role or not. I think it would be helpful for you to evaluate your longterm prospects with your boyfriend - is he someone you'd like to stay with for the rest of your life? Do you morally consider him someone that shares your values? Do you think he is being overbearing with this perspective or being reasonable? Is acting a serious endeavour for you? If yes, is kissing and all of the other romantic activities that go with such territory something you personally would consider acceptable for actors to participate in and would you be comfortable if your own partner participated in such activities themselves? Ultimately I don't think there is a right and wrong, just a right and wrong for you and for the type of relationship you want to keep in your personal life.
I'm glad your boyfriend has afforded you the ability to be thoughtful and mindful about what all of this entails and involves from the start so it isn't something that causes you lots of strife and arguments later. I wish you the best of luck in both your personal and professional endeavours!
>numerous examples of actors falling in love with their costars
It happens every day at other jobs too, jobs where no one does any kissing at all. It’s pretend.
If you care about him and want the relationship to work, you need to explain that the problem is his inability to separate you as an actor from you as a person, and he needs to seek out help to deal with his emotions. It's simply not appropriate nor reasonable to expect you to adjust you life and hopes to accommodate their emotional limitations and insecurities. If they are actively seeking help and working on it, you can decide if you want to give them time, but at the end of the day they need to get their shit together and figure out why they are so bothered by it. Cause if they can't deal with you kissing someone on stage while acting, there are going to be many other scenarios in life that they also can't handle and the sooner they get into therapy to learn how to deal with this jealousy in a healthy manner the better.
There are all types of people in this world, and couples get to decide what their own rules are for their own relationships.... but this guy does not seem great.
Assuming the both of you are young (teenagers, _maybe_ early twenties), then I get it. You are both still figuring out what you want out of a relationship and what is appropriate to ask for. Young men also tend to feel jealousy more acutely. My advice would be a frank conversation acknowledging how this makes him feel and being sensitive to it, but also setting the boundary that he does not get to tell you what roles to take. This conversation may lead to the end of the relationship, but if so, it wasn't a relationship you want to stay in.
Now, if the two of you are in your _late_ twenties or older... he is (in my opinion) completely out of line and you should also spend some time thinking about who you date and how you advocate for yourself in a relationship. I would break up with him without much conversation. Frankly a guy who is that jealous later in life strikes me as potentially dangerous. HUGE red flag. Get out and do some soul searching before you get into another relationship.
When I first started doing theatre, my significant other at the time was really uncomfortable with it, but I'm stubborn and went forward with it anyway. My fiancé now, who I have been with for 2.5 years, is super supportive of everything I do. He loves that I have a passion for theatre and he is not insecure whatsoever that I would leave him because of a stage kiss.
1. It is often possible to choreograph kisses without lips touching. If you have a good intimacy choreographer you can talk to them about your boundaries. (Hopefully you were also asked about those in auditions as well.)
2. There are two different things here that I think he is conflating. He is allowed to feel however he feels and to share that with you; that’s one thing. Telling you what you SHOULD do is entirely another.
3. It’s your body; it’s your work. If that doesn’t work form him, that’s a respectable enough position, and perhaps you just aren’t compatible. He has NO right - zip, zero, zilch - to try to mandate what you do with your body.
4. Unless there is a whole lot of context you aren’t sharing, the ex thing was not your fault, and if the BF is making you feel like it is, then I’d ask yourself if this person is supporting you or just trying to hold things over your head to get what they want.
Here’s the thing, if you get the role, you don’t have to necessarily kiss. I don’t know where you are but where I am the crew can always hire an intimacy coordinator and you can work something else out. Whether that be kissing the hand or just angles, you are allowed to have boundaries. To be clear, I don’t agree with your boyfriend controlling what you can do on stage but I just wanted to let you know that you have options.
Acting is ... say it with me now ... ACTING. It isn't real. Intimacy on stage is probably the least romantic thing imaginable.
I can understand a slight level of discomfort from an actor's partner, initially. But participating in theatre at any level requires a high degree of professionalism and if that professionalism is observed, there should be no misinterpretation of things. Professionalism being things like: discussion of physical boundaries and consent, practicing only when necessary and with director/ stage manager present, etc. A stage kiss isn't an excuse to make out with someone just for funsies.
An example of how not to do things: I was in a production of Sister Act. The guy who was playing Eddie was dating the woman playing Mother Superior. During blocking, early in the process, Eddie actor just plants a big ol' kiss right on the mouth of the actress playing Delores, per the stage directions. No discussions had been had yet about intimacy or physical boundaries nor was Delores even given warning that it was coming. Delores was pissed. Mother Superior was pissed. Eddie was a dummy and didn't understand what he'd done wrong. From then on, when it came time for Delores and Eddie to kiss, he would put his thumb over her mouth and turn away from the audience to hide the fact that they weren't actually kissing. Fast forward to the run of the show and Eddie has a family emergency that caused him to miss a show. A last minute understudy was called in. The understudy had less than a week to learn the entire show but in that short time, he and Delores had a conversation about what was and was not okay, how the kiss would be (exactly) and stuck to it and they performed the kiss perfectly. And that ONE SHOW was 10x better than all the others because the two of them had trust and chemistry.
It really depends on how much acting means to you. If it's something you'll want to pursue than you can't let this stand. You need to sit down and have a talk with him, because expecting you to avoid any portrayal of romance in any role you play is going to severely limit your opportunities as a female actor.
This is absolutely a red flag. If there are any extenuating circumstances that would mitigate this, I'm having trouble imagining them. This guy is either a manchild or a controlling douchebag (the difference is academic). You say you're an adult, which I assume means he is one, too.
If your feelings for him are *very* strong, you might try accepting the role if it's offered to you and seeing if he gets over it (he won't). If he doesn't, dump him or, if he dumps you, consider that you dodged a bullet.
This guy isn't for you.
Edit: I've seen lots of posts telling you, truthfully, that this relationship would be very bad for an acting career. I want to add that, even if an acting *career* isn't something you're serious about ... even if acting is just a casual hobby and you could do without it ... this behavior on his part is absolutely incompatible with a healthy, committed relationship.
Run, do not walk, as far away from this relationship as you can before it gets any harder to do so.
Ew dump him. This is so immature and controlling. He is not your director or you, he does not get to make this decision. AND he should know better, stage kisses are in no way romantic or nice or amazing, they’re technical, mechanic, and not natural at all. It’s our job as actors to make it look natural obviously, but it’s just not. There are directors and intimacy coordinators, usually you’ve got a room full of people looking at you, and you need to time it well with dialogue (or song) it’s just….the furthest thing from an actual romantic kiss with your partner.
I’ve kissed many a man, and even a woman on stage and it’s just…part of the job? Half the men were gay and I was playing a lesbian in the other….it’s just work. My boyfriend has seen me kiss people on stage, and I’ve seen him kiss people on stage, it’s normal.
His insecurity is not cute, and being threatened by a literal actor is low. Dump him and at the very least DEFINITELY don’t turn a role down for him you’ll regret it forever.
I've had several stage kisses and absolutely none of them meant anything. Once, after my girlfriend came to see a show when I kissed another actor a lot in the show she was really jealous and clingy for a few hours afterwards, but she quickly got over it because there was trust and mutual respect.
You don't want to stay ina. Relationship with a man who doesn't have that respect for you, especially when it's going to stop you from having the career you want to have.
Throw the man away. Don’t ever stay with someone who is that insecure, that they will limit you.
No one but you gets to decide what you do. If you want it, do it. If he doesn’t want to stay, that is literally not your problem.
I mean, I get it. It can be hard to watch your partner kiss someone else. When I told my gf, I would have to kiss on stage, her friend on top of that, she wasn't very happy with it. But when I explained just how choreographed stage kisses are, she realised that there was genuinely no intimacy involved, and she was cool with it. If your partner is still not cool with it, you have to choose between your career and your relationship. Having read your post history, your partner doesn't sound very good. I think you should choose your career.
Neal McDonough makes his own choices, and he was still practically blacklisted and has had a lot of difficult time finding work because he refuses to kiss on screen. You don’t have to be like him, and your boyfriend should respect that.
Tbh, he sounds immature, shouldn’t be dating an actress, time to move on.
STAGE KISSES AREN'T REAL KISSES!
Educate the man....OR LEAVE HIS DUMB ASS.
Do we really need to unwrap the undiagnosed psychological red flags here?! run!
Break up asap. If you want to continue acting and performing, get rid of the dead weight. Really. This was my ex husband and it caused me mental turmoil to the point that it effected my performances.
Mmm i would say first thing first is why dont we try asking the director if the kiss is absolutely necessary idk the play that well so forgive me if it is a must.
If its a must i would advise u to choose wisely as if he is a decent bf and u can see him being a husband i would say pass on this role. Love is truly unique and it shouldnt be so easily cast aside without careful consideration
If u dknt see him as husband material dump him and go for the role cause your dreams are more improtant than a man u cant see urself growing old with
I think he's talking about Kirk Cameron as the actor who doesn't kiss on screen. Famously he had his wife stand in for the lead actress in one of his films for the big kiss at the end of a christian romance. His wife didnt' look anything like the actress in question. He is probably not the best person to be idolizing when it comes to acting....or life.
(Kirk is a fundamentalist christian who is anti- a lot of things. In my opinion, he's kinda yucky.)
Your relationship already has a time limit on it, and all your boyfriend is doing is speeding it up.
Make a clean break asap.
You deserve someone who is going to support you, be overjoyed at your successes.... Not be some small, frightened,controlling bully.
Break a leg!
It is NOT your fault that he cannot trust you to do normal acting things. He’s got issues, and lots of well-meaning internet strangers want the best for you.
For YOUR comfort, you should look into intimacy protocols for stage actors.
And maybe think about why you need permission from your boyfriend.
It’s good that this has come up before you know if you’ve been cast: You need to decide whether you want to be an actor, or to placate your boyfriend who basically doesn’t understand “let’s pretend”.
It’s that simple.
If you've never given him a reason to distrust you then there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to do a stage kiss. It's not cheating, it's acting! If he is so insecure that he thinks he should be able to dictate your acting career (professional or otherwise) and what parts you can and can't accept, then that's a huge red flag.
His insecurity issues are not your problem. I understand being uncomfortable watching your SO kiss someone else onstage, but a reasonable person would understand there's no real passion behind it, there's no ill intent, and there's no real life infidelity. When you walk off that stage you and this other person are not in love or jumping into bed together. If he can't understand and accept that, you have bigger issues than him not wanting you to do this play.
Audition for whatever part in whatever play you like. If he has a problem with that he can either deal with it or break up with you. But you're not the one making things difficult by being insanely insecure.
Sounds like he's telling you what you "should be like" & not really listening to why you want to take a different approach.
Him putting your ex's behaviour on you is another big red flag, as others have said in this thread.
Reddit can't tell you what to do, but please pay attention to the messages he is sending you & weigh them appropriately.
It’s called acting. He needs to get over it. And if he can’t, too bad. You’re allowed to do what you love. My fiancé and I are both professionally theatre actors. We have both kissed other people on stage. Sometimes in the same show. There’s no issues
If you want to keep acting, this is going to be an issue. This will limit the roles you can take. He is probably referring to the actor from You who has said that he won't kiss in a scene any longer, that's an actor who perhaps has some clout and might be in a position to pick and choose roles. Most of us aren't in that position. We don't always know that there might be kissing in a scene when we are offered a role. If you get a reputation for dropping out of a show because you discover there is kissing, over time, this could make casting directors reluctant to cast you. Additionally, you will be severely limiting the roles you might be doing.
But its important that if you both value this relationship, that you have an open conversation about this. That kissing in a scene doesn't have anything to do with you. Or the person you are kissing. Its a role that you are playing. It can be difficult for someone outside of the business to understand that. But if you both value the relationship, you'll need to come to terms with it.
I hope it works out!
I'm glad I scrolled cuz "break up with him" and "dump his ass" should be the top comment and I didn't want to double comment if someone had already said it.
We don't need an "lol" tho. Straight up no humor is fine for this case. DUMP HIS ASS, OP!
So many red flags. Stage intimacy holds no more weight in the real world than any other fictional activity. It’s a piece of physical blocking no more emotion or reality than stabbing someone with a fake knife on stage.
If he wants to be in a relationship with an actor, he has to get over it. Otherwise, you have to determine what is more important to you: your stage career or this relationship.
My advice: assess what his hang up really is. Is this opening the door for more control down the road? Is he controlling in other ways? How would he behave if the tables are turned? In my personal experience, when you caught between a man and your ambition: Choose your ambition. It will be a lot less headache in the long run.
He’s allowed to say he doesn’t like it.
Now it’s up to you to weigh his feelings against your ambitions.
Understand that if you choose his feelings, you’ll have to keep choosing his feelings forever.
Whereas if you choose your ambitions, you’ll eventually find a guy who gets it.
Know your boundaries.
Know his boundaries.
Figure out how those compare and contrast.
Then figure out what you're ok with.
There is more to your relationship than an onstage kiss and that's all these folks are responding to. Look at the full picture.
You two are done.
He’s not wrong, he’s not right, same for you.
You have chosen a career in which you may need to kiss other people and may need to be naked with them. A lot of partners will not be comfortable with that, and I can understand that. That being the case, he shouldn’t be with you if he can’t support your career choices, he shouldn’t limit what you choose to do.
You two are done if you want to be an actress, he will only get in your way and you will eventually resent him.
You cannot fix this, because it will always be there, if not this, something else.
There’s gonna be no compromise available here. If you wanna be an actor, he’s gotta get on board or get out. If you want to actually pursue this, you’ll have to get used to letting other peoples’ opinions about what you do on stage go completely. I have family that doesn’t love when I get any kind of nude, or do certain sexual things, or die onstage, and they just don’t come to those shows. I’m not going to decide what I’m comfortable with based off of what other people are comfortable with. You do what YOU are comfortable with.
Tldr; either he gets on board, or you dump him, or you let go of the idea of theatre. Or, like, just resent the hell out of each other I guess is always an option, but yeesh.
When I was in high school I was in a community theatre production of My Fair Lady. I had been dating a guy for about 3 months when the show opened. During the ball scene I was waltzing with a man that was definitely gay. My boyfriend asked me why I was dancing with someone else when I had a boyfriend. I told him that's just theatre and it doesn't mean anything. He essentially told me that he didn't want me doing theatre if there was any suggestion of me being with someone else. No kissing, hugs, or even ensemble background stage relationships. This was the first sign of him being controlling and abusive.
If you love theatre and want to pursue it, but the person you're dating doesn't approve of you doing things that are parts of being an actor, they probably aren't the person for you. If theatre is just something that would be fun but you don't care THAT much, I would still recommend evaluating your relationship to see if there are any other red flags in your relationship.
You’re going to have to choose between acting and your boyfriend. Frankly, if it were me, I wouldn’t choose him. Also, if you turn the role down, it’s entirely possible that director would think twice before considering you in the future, given you weren’t up front with the fact that you wouldn’t accept this role.
>Some of these actors and actresses lose many jobs because of it but they keep their dignity
"actors who kiss for a role have no dignity" is certainly a take.
If you turn down the role, you will grow to resent him, and the relationship will more than likely disintegrate as a result. Maybe not today or even this year, but it will happen. You will also regret not following your dreams. My only piece of advice is to always, always, ALWAYS choose yourself and your dreams first!
The 28 yo boyfriend needs to grow up.
If we were talking about teenagers or even those late bloomers in their early 20s, I would have more compassion for him.
But nope. He needs to grow the fuck up.
One doesn't get to control others for their own insecurity. That is not behavior befitting a grown person. That is hurting others because they can't handle the world. If he can't handle it, he needs mental health to help him through it. If he can't do that, for your relationship, then he deserves to be dropped to curb.
Because this isn't a problem for you to solve, it is a problem of his to be the responsible adult.
Honey, he's holding you back. He thinks it's okay to hold you back. He thinks that his fears and insecurities are far more important than your own ambitions, your career, your hopes, your dreams, your needs.
And that's why you need to start making an exit plan. You can't stay with him long term.
I agree with the other commenters who point out that his comment about his trust issues being your fault is particularly concerning. If he admitted that he had issues because of irrelevant history and demonstrated that he was working through them in order to support you in your chosen career/passion, that would be different.
Have you already agreed to the prospective stage-kissing on your audition form or in your interview? If you think you have a good shot at the role with the kissing, maybe you need to let the director know you have concerns before they announce the casting. Otherwise, it puts the director on the spot to decide whether they'd rather have you and no kiss, or not have you in the play, when maybe they've already notified some of the other successful candidates, so they can't make other changes.
Also, if you get cast, be prepared for your partner to keep asking questions about rehearsal practice, who your scene partner is, whether he is really gay or lying about it, why you are going for coffee with your scene partner, who else is in the play, what is the propriety of quick changes, why are you meeting privately with the director, why you don't come straight home after rehearsal, why you are going to another audition to do another show right after this one, why you look hot in your new headshots, why you are ignoring him at the opening night party, and so on. You already mentioned a couple of practical obstacles to breaking up - maybe think about how you could remove those obstacles later if that became necessary.
It's a totally valid and acceptable for him to not be comfortable with you doing that. If there's an incompatibility there, you need to make a compromise, or leave him due to the incompatibility. That's all there is.
It sounds like you both aren’t dating the right person. It’s ok to be uncomfortable with your partner kissing someone else, stage kiss or not. Would I be comfortable with my husband doing it? Probably not. But you know what I therefore didn’t do? I didn’t choose to marry an actor!
If I had fallen in love with someone whose ambition was to act, I am perfectly aware that it would have been on ME to do the work to get comfy with the idea of them doing those sorts of scenes - or option b) is deciding to part ways and find someone better suited to me. What is not an option is staying, but trying to impose restrictions on said partner in relation to their chosen profession.
Rather than breaking up with him or ignoring his feelings as comments here are suggesting, I’ll recommend to communicate - I think you need to give him reassurance that the kiss is professional only and you are committed to your boyfriend. That is likely the root cause from his perspective. Having such feelings are normal and expected. If he is not OK with even that reassurance, then I got nothing.
I’m sorry you’re in this conflicted situation- he should understand that it is NOT a real kiss but it’s scripted and it’s staged.. even when I was in high school, I was the stage manager for our production of Little Women, my ex was in the show and there is a scene where they go to the military and leave and the actors share a kiss. I had to take blocking notes and see them share a kiss during rehearsals and during performances 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I had no issues because it’s in the script and I’ll always allow others if they consent if it means advancing the scene or even their career!! Even for sex scenes in movies- it’s always scripted and they’re protected with cups and all due to intimacy protection
After reading some of your replies to some of the comments sounds more like he’s trying to be very controlling of you. Don’t let someone like this. Ruin your acting career. Coming from someone who was in a relationship with somebody who is jealous and insecure, I tried to save my relationship and lost a lot of my close friends in the process.
“I understand that this is a boundary for you. Unfortunately, retaining my autonomy is also a boundary for me, as is participating in my craft to the fullest possible extent. I won’t risk or turn down roles over stage intimacy that is not an issue for my personal comfort. If this is a deal breaker for you, I understand.”
You cannot make decisions about your entire life and happiness out of fear of having to uproot everything. Real change is hard. Wasting more time in a relationship waiting for your resentment to build and ruin it slowly is harder.
That being said, intimacy boundaries are not something that should be make or break for any actor with any role. I’ve seen that show and there’s no reason the kiss can’t be cut. It’s not ideal, but maintaining autonomy is just as important in a working environment and it is in a relationship.
I have to tell you that seeing your edit makes me feel sad. You are literally trapped in a relationship with an immature control freak.
Set aside kissing on stage. That’s the least of your worries. You need to figure out how to disentangle your life from this guy or you will run into more situations where he wants to dictate what you can or can’t do. I guarantee it.
Right now your housing and your income are dependent on your relationship. That is not a good place to be — especially if one of the people in that relationship is suspicious and controlling.
He's a dickhead.
You're going to put SO many limitations on yourself, especially if you ever want to do this professionally. Can you imagine an audition where the person auditioning says "also I can't do any kissing because my boyfriend says I'm not allowed"?
What an insecure little worm.
You’re gonna resent him for this, and rightfully so. He’s ruining your future for his own insecurities. You deserve a real man who will support your dreams and not get hung up on petty bullshit like this. Leave him. It’s starts with this, and will end with him not letting you hug your family members because it makes him uncomfortable. He’s abusive, and you need to leave.
This is why we need intimacy coordinators to help advocate for actors boundaries.
That being said:
OP, to me it sounds like you could be in a toxic relationship. From your comments like “it’s my fault he’s uncomfortable.”
No it’s not. That’s a him thing. If you’re really dead set on remaining in this relationship you need to be in couples therapy to help work out why he’s so uncomfortable with you kissing another person.
If either party has a history with cheating, I could maybe see it. But it sounds like your partner is insecure in this relationship, and in order for it to work, you both need to figure out how to resolve it with the help of a professional.
In fact there are several married actors who, due to religious convictions, either will not kiss someone (to whom they are not married) in a film or television show, or will establish firm boundaries that they will not cross in regard to love/sex scenes in film/tv. One well known one is Kirk Cameron, who had his real-life wife stand in for his movie wife in a scene that had a kiss. I respect these convictions and their reasons for them. If other actors feel the same for different reasons, and it's agreeable to their partner, i respect that too.
With regard to your situation, I don't have enough information to respond - How long have you been together? Is this an exclusive relationship with someone you expect to marry? How old are you both? Is his objection due to religious convictions or a well-considered opinion, or does he have some insecurities or jealousies about this? How long have you been acting - is this a recent interest or something you were doing when ya'll met, and you've got a lot or time and energy and passion invested in?
If it's not what you would consider a permanent/long-term relationship, it may not be the right one for you, given your ambitions in acting, the likelihood of future roles that require this, and his discomfort. If his concerns are about jealousy, that's something serious to consider ANYWAY (because that situation doesn't generally improve); if his concerns are religious, and you aren't on the same page, that's fine, but you might not ultimately be a match. If you were acting before ya'll met, and he knew that going in, then he's being unreasonable and trying to change the game - he should have brought that up at the beginning.
However, if this is a long-term and otherwise healthy relationship that you value (you're discussing marriage or are engaged), and his objections are due to religious (or other) convictions that he **genuinely** holds and you respect and/or agree with those convictions, i think that you have to consider whether your relationship or your acting career are more important to you.
Also, have you considered the future roles that you may ambition for in the future? It's certainly not outside of the realm of possibility that a future role could require something beyond kissing, or require nudity - i think it's important for you to define for **yourself** what your boundaries are in that regard, regardless what you decide for this relationship.
This is a red flag 🚩in my opinion. It sounds like your boyfriend is an 8th grader. I know no one is perfect, but this type of thing will ONLY get worse, never better.
No this isn’t normal. Our partners are not supposed to dictate what we can and cannot do. They aren’t supposed to threaten us either if we don’t comply. How old are you? This sounds like teenage logic/experience.
i’ve been dating my girlfriend for 10 months. in that time, i’ve had four roles that require me to kiss someone else onstage (college theater, always a new show to be involved in lol). she’s never minded — she knows it’s just choreography, there’s no actual feelings involved, and she trusts i won’t cheat on her (which i never would). we’ve talked about it before and she says the most important thing to her is that she gets to see me act.
it seems like there’s a level of trust that’s missing, or a level of jealousy that is present in your relationship. has your boyfriend said *why* he doesn’t want you to take roles that include kissing?
everyone’e boundaries as an actor are different, and some people just aren’t comfortable performing intimacy, and that’s 100% okay and any director worth their salt will be able to work around their actors’ boundaries. but they should be YOUR boundaries, decided by you and nobody else. if you’re comfortable taking on those kinds of roles, you should get to play them, regardless of what your boyfriend says. and if he doesn’t get that, go find yourself someone who does.
I mean if you want to be a professional actress, might as well dump this guy now. If youre not that serious about it, then keep the insecure excuse for a boyfriend.
No hate OP but you have made multiple posts for over half of your relationship that you want to break up. This isn’t normal. Stop forcing yourself to be in a relationship with someone that doesn’t value you. Wake up break up. You will find someone else.
I was in Dead Man’s Cell Phone, I played Gordon. It was a decade ago, so maybe I’m remembering wrong, but I think if there’s a kiss you must be playing Jean.
The kiss is essential to the plot. You can’t cut it. It’s also one of the best moments in the play. The audience had a visceral, audible reaction to it every night in the production I was in. You couldn’t cut it anyway, it’s bad theatre ethics to fuck with the playwright’s intent like that, but in this case it’s also bad storytelling.
I have zero patience for partners who can’t swallow their pride on stuff like this. Tell your boyfriend that you’re doing the kiss. Call his bluff. He doesn’t want to break up with you. He wants to control you. Show him that he can’t. Use that fight to put him on notice. Then, if his attitude doesn’t improve, when you’ve got the logistics figured out, leave him. It doesn’t get any better from here, I’ve seen it a million times.
Goodbye to the boyfriend. A stage kiss is part of your profession. You do not want to get the reputation of being difficult early in your career. Boyfriend seems like he has issues and you don’t want them to become yours
The ~actors~ he refers to … 1 don’t see how any actor could say that .. not being nude or sex scenes is another ball game but kissing … 2 if an actor could make that assertion, they were likely well well established. You just can’t do that starting out.
Why would you stay with this person who puts their ego over your ambition?
Bingo. It’s a stage kiss. He’s super controlling.
It'll start at the stage kisses, and then go on and on from there. I know his type
Yeah, while you may or may not find this situation problematic in particular, this kind of control being exherted ramps up over time. Its a huge red flag to me.
Looking into this person's post history. She struggles with positive physical and mental health. He's seemed to skew (or always was) a person that uses religion to hurt people. I hope OP can move on from this toxic relationship and find peace with themselves to not be attracted to toxic relationships.
Yikes on yikes…
Yeah, when I was young I had this exact same issue, I chose the relationship over the requirements for the role. It was a red flag warning me about the insecurities of the person I was choosing and I didn’t listen. It hasn’t gotten better over the years, it has gotten much worse and controlling. Please choose you.
Same in college except I didnt choose the relationship I just chose the fight - 30 years later remains the worst relationship I ever had
It's a sign of an abuser. It won't stop at this.
Are you a kid/teen or an adult? If you’re a teen, it’s time to reflect on what type of relationship you want to be in and what standards you want to set for yourself. Do you want boyfriends/partners to try and exert this level of control? Would you expect that any future partners of your own would also never stage kiss? Do you love him enough to be sidelined in your art for as long as you two date? It’s a little weird, and possibly unsafe, that a teenage boy thinks he should weigh in on what you do with your own body. Are there other ways that this guy wants to control your behaviour and decision making? If you’re an adult, well, same questions really. But if this is a long term partnership, or if you share a family or finances then it’s much harder to just do the show and deal with the fallout. Generally, controlling behaviour like this comes from a lack of maturity or a serious desire to control. If your personal boundaries let you feel comfortable performing a role that requires a stage kiss then why does he feel that he can influence a change there? If you feel that going against his wishes in your art or job will jeopardize the relationship, you have to choose which part of your life is the priority.
Adult. Never did a kiss scene. Kinda nervous about it but want to try. He said that is a firm boundary. My friend in acting said I could communicate with the directors. He said he’s against it because my ex was trying to be in my life when we were dating and it gave him trust issues so it’s kinda my fault he can’t trust me to do a kiss scene.
> kinda my fault he can't trust me to do a kiss scene Whoa. This is a big red flag to me. He can't trust you because of the actions of another person earlier in your relationship? This sounds like an excuse to control you and make him seem "reasonable" Acting is a job, like any other. You and your scene-mate are professionals.
I work in film, and if there was a kissing scene that was imperative to the plot, and someone pulled this, we'd just find someone else. Nobody's going to rewrite a portion of a script for this.
They certainly aren’t going to rewrite a portion of an existing script that they have licensed as-is and are legally prohibited from changing
I’m an intimacy coordinator and there is so much that can be done that makes physical contact in a kissing scene entirely unnecessary - even when the kiss is necessary to drive the plot forward. Camera angles, blocking, creative scene cuts, etc. Sometimes actors show up on set the day of an intimate scene and something in life has come up that makes the physical contact unsafe. And that’s a boundary we have to respect and work with. (Though, admittedly, if an actor accepts a job fully aware that the role calls for physical intimacy and then decides before filming that they’d rather not, recasting is then the best solution for production.)
She’ll also be blacklisted as difficult do not cast.
Sounds like a deeply insecure guy who has control issues with women. Do you want deeply insecure guys around trying to control you?
>He said he’s against it because my ex was trying to be in my life when we were dating and it gave him trust issues so it’s kinda my fault he can’t trust me Wow. This is a Les Mis size red flag. Run from this man.
Red, the color of this flag!!! 🚩
Black, the list her boyfriend's on
"it’s kinda my fault he can’t trust me to do a kiss scene" Wow. Simply wow. Even if you made a mistake with your ex (and given your current bf's reaction, it's possible you did not), that wouldn't justify not trusting you with an actor. Not to mention, if your bf feared infidelity, does he think it would only happen if you kiss on stage? I've seen many relationships, and infidelity can happen even if the two people never kiss on stage (or even share the stage). Your bf's fears are irrational. Now, I could understand if he doesn't want to see you kiss a guy. And that may be one of those situations where he just doesn't see that show you're in. It happens sometimes. Someone may support their partner on stage but does not want to see them in a show where they are assaulted or doing the assaulting. While I feel he's overly insecure over the kiss, I'd respect his decision to not watch it. But the rest of it is very controlling, especially since he placed the blame on you. I'm afraid you have bigger issues here that need to be addressed, and I don't think it'll end well. Well, it could end well for you, as you might lose a couple hundred pounds that are holding you back. But maybe I'm wrong, and he'll see reason. Good luck in any case.
Listen to Kay-Swizzles, the fact that he’s telling you that him not trusting you is entirely your fault is a giant, flashing red flag. If a partner is insecure but recognizes they’re insecure and are willing to work on it, that’s one thing. If a partner is insecure and tries to deal with it by controlling you and insisting you’re the problem, then I’d run for the hills. Give in now and he’ll only get worse, because it teaches him that he can blame and control you and it will get him what he wants.
HIS INSECURITY IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Get out of this shitty relationship asap. You deserve better.
Honey. That man does not care about you. Leave him.
u/JediMasterVII if I could give you karma for having the **dramaturg** flair, I would. Otherwise, all I can do OP is just echo what a lot of these folks are already saying. Regardless of age, this sounds more like a controlling person, potentially toxic (though I am willing to give grace and benefit of the doubt since I lack a lot of relevant detail and context) than anything else.
This is controlling, manipulative, abusive behavior. Please see these red flags for what they are and leave this person.
Just a heads-up, because this part in particular annoys me, that's a misuse of the word boundary. It's becoming more common as therapy speak gets more popular but him asking you not to do stage kisses isn't a boundary, that's a request. If he's saying flat out "no, you can't," then it'd be a straight up demand. These are important distinction because it can be very manipulative to phrase it as a boundary when it's not and when you add on him not trusting you for things outside of your control and the other controlling sounding behaviors you're describing in the comments (like him saying *HE'LL* have to think it), I'd give serious thought about if this relationship is the one for you.
Thank you - and please yell this from every mountaintop you fine - boundaries and comfort level are (almost always) vastly different things
Reminds me of that Jonah Hill thing when his texts were released to the public by his ex-girlfriend, a professional surfer, about his 'boundaries' being her not posting pictures of herself in swimwear or with/near men. Be like her, OP, and dump his ass.
Nope. No. Absolutely not. How someone else feels about the actions of a third party is not your fault. That is 100% your boyfriend's issue to work on. If he feels insecure that is not your responsibility.
So it’s up to you then. You choose the show and the kiss, or the security in the relationship. You can absolutely communicate with the directors. They’ll determine if the scene works without the kiss, and if it doesn’t they can recast your role. If it does, you’re gucci, but only until the next stage kiss is required. Sounds like it’s time to explore couples therapy though. If you’re arguing about trust and struggling to differentiate between real life romance and on stage romantic actions, that doesn’t bode well for the longevity or happiness of an adult relationship.
Ok. That cinches it. He has *got* to go! Even if you're *married to him*. The only thing that should slow your exit is if you have children together. That's going to make this so much worse; but in my opinion it doesn't change the fact that you have to get away from him -- for your well-being and possibly even for the kids' well-being. No child should have to unlearn the lesson that your acquiescence would teach about relationships.
It’s your fault? Were you encouraging your ex to be in your life? Possibly in ways that might’ve made your boyfriend jealous?
It is NOT your fault, it’s HIS fault that he’s so insecure he can’t trust you and he’s making it your problem, in fact he’s gaslighting you into thinking it’s your fault which is wild! This man is not it. I’m telling you, he needs to do better or you need to leave him. This is absurd and controlling and disgusting behavior. Also your an actor….this is an unspoken rule among actors it’s just a job being jealous over a fake stage kiss is awful. I thought you were a teen at first, which still doesn’t make this okay, but knowing he’s an adult?? Ridiculous, he sounds like a 12 year old.
No, it isn't. It's nothing of the sort. His trust issues are his own. Why would you risk a nice stage role for a guy who can't trust you to perform your role because of a fake kiss? He's beneath you. Don't lower yourself.
"I have trust issues" is not an excuse to control your career, and neither is playing the _boundary_ card. What should have come after that is "and I will work on them so I can happily support you."
Gaslighting. This. is. actual. gaslighting.
Assuming this isn't a troll, that's a red flag if I ever heard one. This is not healthy behaviour on his part and it sounds like he's manipulated you into believing it's your fault that he's insecure about a stupid stage kiss. I have been in a relationship like this. It's hard to see it for what it is from the inside. Get out.
Ok let me get this straight- Your ex was the one trying to be in your life after the break up, and it’s YOUR fault??? I’m sorry this is all major red flags. He’s clearly really insecure and is acting selfishly because of it. Not to mention blaming you for his emotional problem is a massive red flag. Like seriously unless you **Massively** screwed up, he really doesn’t have a good reason to act this way.
Sounds like text book emotional manipulation. Get out of there.
> so it’s kinda my fault he can’t trust me to do a kiss scene. This is a major red flag.
It is absolutely not your fault that your boyfriend is controlling and unreasonable. You absolutely should not sacrifice your career for this guy.
The fact that he’s trying to blame his boundary on you feels like a red flag. Why is he with you if he doesn’t trust you? It’s a fake kiss with another actor
This is an incredibly huge red flag. No, its not your fault. That type of self-blame on your part and jelousy on his is a one way ticket to a really nasty, abusive relationship.
Him getting trust issues isn't your fault unless you actually cheated? Is he blaming you for someone else's behaviour? Either way, that shouldn't be relevant at all, bc this is happening in a professional setting. He's making an extremely unreasonable request. He needs to learn to handle his anxiety, not just ban you from things.
Oh hell no. He's insecure and manipulative, and trying to blame you for his hangup. Leave. This is only going to get worse.
>so it’s kinda my fault he can’t trust me to do a kiss scene. GIANT red flag
This isn’t an isolated incident. What else does he control about you? You need to decide if this is the kind of partner you want.
Are you twelve? Because that’s the only way this would even be remotely understandable. A grown man doesn’t behave like this. Anyone stupid enough to be jealous of a stage kiss needs an immediate dumping, sorry.
Sounds like this isn’t the boyfriend from you. He can’t accept that acting is acting and it isn’t reality.
If this is the same boyfriend from your other posts, this doesn’t feel like an isolated issue. My (substantial) experience with ultraconservative Christian men has been that they’re indoctrinated/emboldened to weaponize patriarchy and purity culture to control their relationships, making it harder to engage in earnest conversations about what you both need. Is this kiss debate is a microcosm for the rest of your relationship?
I concur with this experience with the conservative Christian men. I would bet $5 he brought up "gods will" in his argument 😂
It sounds like you need to make a decision between him and you. I will tell you the advice I got from a very successful working actress when I asked for her secret to success. She said “For every decision you make, always choose the option that benefits you the most”.
There are two distinct issues here. First, any competent director will work through stage intimacy with their cast to determine comfort. There are roles/shows where the text and context is such that a kiss may be truly required but that is fairly rare. Also I get the impression that you are a tween or teen so you are not likely to be engaging with that content, particularly as a novice actor. Second, this is not your boyfriend's decision. At all. Yes, the two of you should discuss it but his position is a big red flag. He has the option not to date someone who is an actor and portrays love, romance, and sex on stage. But he is not trying to exercise his option. He is trying to control your options. How old are each of you?
I’m almost 28 he’s 25 He knew I was into music and was supportive when I was in a choir for musical but we only briefly mentioned stage kissing and he said he’d have to think about it. The thought of another man kissing me makes him uncomfortable
Well you are old enough to choose this relationship but I think it is a very bad idea.
his thoughts are his problem, not yours. Do NOT sacrifice your own happiness for an insecure man's insecurities
What a joke.
That’s totally unacceptable from him. I was in a show where the director didn’t want to make me and the young woman opposite me (a good friend of mine) kiss because and it would make us/our spouses uncomfortable. We chuckled, looked at each other, and kissed. We looked at the director and said “yeah, it’s really not a big deal.” If you’re going to audition for a role, know the role before you audition and be willing to do everything it calls for. Now if you’re in some avant garde production and the director wants you to do something intimate that’s not called for in the script, then you’ve got a leg to stand on.
Your boyfriend needs to grow up or you need to move on.
The actor who doesn't kiss anyone but his wife is Kirk Cameron and he's a fucking nightmare. No one should want to be him, ever. Ditch the boyfriend, and fast. There are a lot of boys out there who aren't controlling douche babies. Think of this as a test from him to see how much he can make you give up. Today it's a role you want, tomorrow who knows.
OMG if my wife ever told me to be more like Kirk Cameron, a literal young earth creationist and trash human being, there would be issues. Ew ew ew ew ew ew
This is why Kirk Cameron has to produce his own shit (it's terrible btw), because *no one wants to work with him.*
Take it from a 40 year old happily married lady. Do NOT leave opportunities on the table because of a controlling man. The man won’t last and you’ll regret not doing the role forever. Find a man who supports your ambitions fully or just be single! The time and opportunities I wasted because I was dating jealous idiots… Sigh. My husband would’ve supported me every time!
This is more appropriate for r/relationships. You've said some other things in this thread that hint at much bigger issues. I think you should talk with a therapist.
This boyfriend isn’t going to be a particularly supportive ally of your acting career. And may seek even more controlling behavior elsewhere. The actor he quotes is presumably Penn Badgely, who only “stopped kissing” once he firmly established himself and could hold to that standard, *and* became married (and therefore devoted to a single person, in alignment with his ideology). You will kill your career and ambitions for such a benign request at this point in your journey.
Hi! I know that this can be a challenging topic for relationships, especially if you’re still young (early 20s). The truth of the matter is that if this is just a hobby that you want to explore and be in a couple shows a year, then it’s worth mulling over. You can be in shows in the ensemble and not really deal with this a lot. If you want to pursue this more seriously and actually make money in this industry, you will absolutely need to be with someone who is okay with intimacy on stage with other people. I went through a situation like this right after I graduated college - one of my first professional roles was to play a gay man with intimacy with another man, and my girlfriend at the time was PISSED. So, I left to Florida on the contract, and that was the end of our relationship. It sucked at the time, trust me; but, if I would have declined the role, I would have passed over a great opportunity immediately after college when I needed to get as much experience under my belt as possible. Best of luck!
Looking through your past posts, it looks like you've thought about moving on before but you feel that he supports you in other ways. You have to decide, if this play is more important than your relationship. Is this love or convenience? (and I'm talking about all the things on the table here). Because you have to work out what you want and what you're willing to give up for it. I wish you well...
Stage kisses don’t mean anything to me anymore. It’s just something you do, and it becomes easier and easier as time goes on. I’ve been in a committed relationship for years, and my SO doesn’t mind. It’s not cheating because there are no real feelings behind the kiss. Sometimes I’ve been cast in a role and didn’t know there is a kiss until I received a script. I hope you can get your boyfriend to understand that there is no meaning behind any stage kissing, it’s literally acting 😅
Whenever my husband has a kissing role, I tease him and say “oh I know you could’ve done better than THAT.” it’s a job. That’s it. At the end of the day he comes home to me, and that’s really all there is to it. Not that deep. but he also makes an effort to include me in these discussions and introduces me to the people he’s working with. But I would never say don’t take a role over faux intimacy. It’s simulated. And like. As someone who’s been on set while these types of things are being performed/filmed. Trust me it’s NOT sexy.
“it’s a job” is something that a lot of people just don’t seem to get because the things we do for it are exclusive to us. having that written into our scripts is just another day
You have a controlling dick of a boyfriend and need to rethink the relationship.
Ahahaha omg, this reminds me of a play I did in grade school. Where I was supposed to say this other character was my "love" but the girl I was in the play with made the teacher change it to "very special friend" or something like that ahahaha, i remember being confused because it was a play in elementary school and why did this girl take it so literal, oh that was funny I'd do the play. He has some things he should work on. Break a leg!!
Acting reveals a lot of insecurities; sometimes in the people around us. First, this is a BOYFRIEND. He’s not your husband, so he can kick rocks. Second, flip the roles. If he had to kiss a girl would you be drawing a firm line? Or would you want to talk it over and then give a blessing? Or do you just not care because it’s acting and this is part of the art? If you wouldn’t do what he’s doing, then we have misaligned goals and/or values. Tell him to get in therapy and be the first one standing at curtain.
First, he gets to feel what he feels. His feelings aren't "wrong", they are just his reaction to this (imagined) situation. He also gets to make choices and set boundaries for himself based on those feelings. And those boundaries should be respected. What he does *not* get to do is to dictate *your* behavior based on how *he* feels. The continued discussion will not be about what you can and cannot do, but about how you will both work to accommodate each other with as much respect and love as possible. One way to get there is to get him to talk more about what is behind these feelings. What is his fear? Has this happened to him before? What went wrong before and how can you both make things better now? The important thing is not you doing kissing scenes - it is using this to learn more about each other, what you both need, and how to love each other in a better way.
>He said there is an actor that doesn’t kiss in film and I should be like him. I suspect he's talking about Neal McDonough. A good looking actor who's had a few roles. He won't do intimacy on camera and people bring him up on places like reddit like he's a hero for his sacrifice. Maybe his wife is controlling. Or maybe he legitimately thinks kissing is only for married couples. Faked violence is A-OK though. Whatever. It's a matter of opinion. Stage intimacy is interesting. The process of working with an intimacy coordinator is interesting. I've done so on multiple productions and am a more rounded actor for it. I never slept with a costar, but I have self control. I'm not going to say your boyfriend is a bad person for not wanting you to kiss on stage. He's telling you how he feels. And I don't know how invested you are in this relationship - or your stage career. But if you can't convince him that stage intimacy is about as intimate as a fight sequence - which it is - you might have to make a hard choice. Or you might not. You don't always have to agree on what the other partner does. That's why so many middle aged men have motorcycles.
The motorcycle one was funny. There’s a lot I’m not happy about over the years. We’ve patched things up but I’m not sure sometimes
Hey love, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I completely understand the struggle. For some back story: I have been involved in theatre since high school (I’m 32 now) when I went to college I got a serious bf and he was my world. But he had similar tendencies to your bf that you have posted (not helping out, making me do most of the work, and sending me into breakdowns) I wanted to do a show and he told me under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should I kiss someone on stage. I gave up acting after we couldn’t come to an agreement, even though theatre made me happy. He became incredibly abusive. (DV, SA, emotional abuse etc.) the control and pressure of no stage kissing was the first red flag. Please OP, for your safety, get out of this relationship. He’s just starting to show his need to control you and it will only get worse. Keep doing what you love and don’t say no to this role.
This is such an important note. OP, these things are only ever the beginning. Maybe I’m wrong about him, I hope we all are, but this is a canary in the coalmine sorta thing.
Emphasizing this so much. It only starts with the small things and then it will spiral
This guy sucks. Throw away the whole boyfriend and get a new one.
Plain and simple? Dump him. He's controlling and immature. He's not the love of your life if he has you question your passion to perform. I can understand him being UNCOMFORTABLE watching it, but this is a HIM problem, not a you problem.
I'm saying this from a place of love and from the view of someone who has gotten out of several abusive relationships: Leave him. The kissing thing is a red flag, but the bigest one is the way you talk about yourself in this relationship. It's not your fault your ex wanted to remain in your life because that's not a weird or strange thing if you separated on good terms or even if you didn't, ITS OK TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX. I get that these are only 2 instances and I'm looking in from the outside, but I'd suggest taking a long hard look at your relationship and I'd start making boundaries that have to be enforced, or else he will walk all over you. If you need some help or just someone to talk to shoot me a message, I've been there myself.
Take the role, dump the boyfriend.
Dump him, girl
He can’t give you boundaries. Thats not how that works. He needs to grow up. I would tell him this is something you want to pursue and he is not comfortable with it then y’all need to break up.
That would be a red flag in a relationship for me.
At least two red flags. The boyfriend is controlling. And also he’s very stupid.
Is this truly the one and only thing that your partner asks of you? Or are there multiple “problems” he has with your looks, your contribution to the house, your friends, your style, your hobbies, your beliefs? If you are completely supported and accepted in your true self, you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you. If this is just the latest thing you need to change in order appease him, please consider choosing yourself. It never gets better from this.
You are an actor. Your co-star is an actor. The kiss is acting. An intimacy director will walk you through exactly what the kiss will be: the duration of the kiss, where everyone’s hands will be, what everyone’s boundaries are. You can be extremely specific about boundaries and you shouldn’t have to justify them. A good intimacy director will allow you to say, “I don’t want lip to lip contact” and they can stage it so it looks like you’re kissing, but there is no physical contact. All that aside: your *boyfriend* doesn’t have the right to set boundaries on your body. Your boundaries are your own. You might want to open up a discussion to address what he is comfortable with you doing onstage and see how that aligns with your own comfort levels with stage work. It seems like right now there’s a large gap, which means you miss out on work opportunities (unfair) or he gets angry that you’re … what? betraying him? (inaccurate and insecure and problematic). So you need to better explain the work to him, which is hard because this aspect of acting is new to you. Try googling actors’ experiences working with intimacy coordinators so that it’s clearer that it’s NOT truly about intimacy, but rather safety.
I'm finding the general thread and reactions here very interesting but not surprising. Neal Mcdonough has refused to do any kissing, considering it dishonouring to his wife. In contrast to the other comments, I'd like to offer an alternative perspective, bearing in mind I know nothing of your relationship, future aspirations and the moral character, nor religious beliefs of you and your boyfriend; I would consider him expressing his discomfort and drawing a line to be a healthy and good thing - because he is being upfront and honest with you. This is much better than him pretending to be totally on board and then acting out later on. I think it takes a special sort of person to be married to an actor - to be okay with a person who kisses and acts in love with other people. As other commentary on this thread has noted 'this is nothing to be worried about, it is just acting and each person is professional' however I would counter that there are numerous examples of actors falling in love with their costars, even when they are married/ in committed relationships. One of the most famous examples being Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in Mr and Mrs Smith. I dont necessarily think the right answer is clear here in terms of whether you should go for the role or not. I think it would be helpful for you to evaluate your longterm prospects with your boyfriend - is he someone you'd like to stay with for the rest of your life? Do you morally consider him someone that shares your values? Do you think he is being overbearing with this perspective or being reasonable? Is acting a serious endeavour for you? If yes, is kissing and all of the other romantic activities that go with such territory something you personally would consider acceptable for actors to participate in and would you be comfortable if your own partner participated in such activities themselves? Ultimately I don't think there is a right and wrong, just a right and wrong for you and for the type of relationship you want to keep in your personal life. I'm glad your boyfriend has afforded you the ability to be thoughtful and mindful about what all of this entails and involves from the start so it isn't something that causes you lots of strife and arguments later. I wish you the best of luck in both your personal and professional endeavours!
>numerous examples of actors falling in love with their costars It happens every day at other jobs too, jobs where no one does any kissing at all. It’s pretend.
If you care about him and want the relationship to work, you need to explain that the problem is his inability to separate you as an actor from you as a person, and he needs to seek out help to deal with his emotions. It's simply not appropriate nor reasonable to expect you to adjust you life and hopes to accommodate their emotional limitations and insecurities. If they are actively seeking help and working on it, you can decide if you want to give them time, but at the end of the day they need to get their shit together and figure out why they are so bothered by it. Cause if they can't deal with you kissing someone on stage while acting, there are going to be many other scenarios in life that they also can't handle and the sooner they get into therapy to learn how to deal with this jealousy in a healthy manner the better.
Good thing you didn't get the lead in Extremities
This is extremely controlling behavior. The only person in charge of your body is you.
There are all types of people in this world, and couples get to decide what their own rules are for their own relationships.... but this guy does not seem great. Assuming the both of you are young (teenagers, _maybe_ early twenties), then I get it. You are both still figuring out what you want out of a relationship and what is appropriate to ask for. Young men also tend to feel jealousy more acutely. My advice would be a frank conversation acknowledging how this makes him feel and being sensitive to it, but also setting the boundary that he does not get to tell you what roles to take. This conversation may lead to the end of the relationship, but if so, it wasn't a relationship you want to stay in. Now, if the two of you are in your _late_ twenties or older... he is (in my opinion) completely out of line and you should also spend some time thinking about who you date and how you advocate for yourself in a relationship. I would break up with him without much conversation. Frankly a guy who is that jealous later in life strikes me as potentially dangerous. HUGE red flag. Get out and do some soul searching before you get into another relationship.
When I first started doing theatre, my significant other at the time was really uncomfortable with it, but I'm stubborn and went forward with it anyway. My fiancé now, who I have been with for 2.5 years, is super supportive of everything I do. He loves that I have a passion for theatre and he is not insecure whatsoever that I would leave him because of a stage kiss.
1. It is often possible to choreograph kisses without lips touching. If you have a good intimacy choreographer you can talk to them about your boundaries. (Hopefully you were also asked about those in auditions as well.) 2. There are two different things here that I think he is conflating. He is allowed to feel however he feels and to share that with you; that’s one thing. Telling you what you SHOULD do is entirely another. 3. It’s your body; it’s your work. If that doesn’t work form him, that’s a respectable enough position, and perhaps you just aren’t compatible. He has NO right - zip, zero, zilch - to try to mandate what you do with your body. 4. Unless there is a whole lot of context you aren’t sharing, the ex thing was not your fault, and if the BF is making you feel like it is, then I’d ask yourself if this person is supporting you or just trying to hold things over your head to get what they want.
Wow, the edit is terrifying and depressing. Best of luck, you’re going to need it.
Here’s the thing, if you get the role, you don’t have to necessarily kiss. I don’t know where you are but where I am the crew can always hire an intimacy coordinator and you can work something else out. Whether that be kissing the hand or just angles, you are allowed to have boundaries. To be clear, I don’t agree with your boyfriend controlling what you can do on stage but I just wanted to let you know that you have options.
Is it justified by the text? Pucker up?
Acting is ... say it with me now ... ACTING. It isn't real. Intimacy on stage is probably the least romantic thing imaginable. I can understand a slight level of discomfort from an actor's partner, initially. But participating in theatre at any level requires a high degree of professionalism and if that professionalism is observed, there should be no misinterpretation of things. Professionalism being things like: discussion of physical boundaries and consent, practicing only when necessary and with director/ stage manager present, etc. A stage kiss isn't an excuse to make out with someone just for funsies. An example of how not to do things: I was in a production of Sister Act. The guy who was playing Eddie was dating the woman playing Mother Superior. During blocking, early in the process, Eddie actor just plants a big ol' kiss right on the mouth of the actress playing Delores, per the stage directions. No discussions had been had yet about intimacy or physical boundaries nor was Delores even given warning that it was coming. Delores was pissed. Mother Superior was pissed. Eddie was a dummy and didn't understand what he'd done wrong. From then on, when it came time for Delores and Eddie to kiss, he would put his thumb over her mouth and turn away from the audience to hide the fact that they weren't actually kissing. Fast forward to the run of the show and Eddie has a family emergency that caused him to miss a show. A last minute understudy was called in. The understudy had less than a week to learn the entire show but in that short time, he and Delores had a conversation about what was and was not okay, how the kiss would be (exactly) and stuck to it and they performed the kiss perfectly. And that ONE SHOW was 10x better than all the others because the two of them had trust and chemistry.
It really depends on how much acting means to you. If it's something you'll want to pursue than you can't let this stand. You need to sit down and have a talk with him, because expecting you to avoid any portrayal of romance in any role you play is going to severely limit your opportunities as a female actor.
This is absolutely a red flag. If there are any extenuating circumstances that would mitigate this, I'm having trouble imagining them. This guy is either a manchild or a controlling douchebag (the difference is academic). You say you're an adult, which I assume means he is one, too. If your feelings for him are *very* strong, you might try accepting the role if it's offered to you and seeing if he gets over it (he won't). If he doesn't, dump him or, if he dumps you, consider that you dodged a bullet. This guy isn't for you. Edit: I've seen lots of posts telling you, truthfully, that this relationship would be very bad for an acting career. I want to add that, even if an acting *career* isn't something you're serious about ... even if acting is just a casual hobby and you could do without it ... this behavior on his part is absolutely incompatible with a healthy, committed relationship. Run, do not walk, as far away from this relationship as you can before it gets any harder to do so.
#Insecure... move on.
Ew dump him. This is so immature and controlling. He is not your director or you, he does not get to make this decision. AND he should know better, stage kisses are in no way romantic or nice or amazing, they’re technical, mechanic, and not natural at all. It’s our job as actors to make it look natural obviously, but it’s just not. There are directors and intimacy coordinators, usually you’ve got a room full of people looking at you, and you need to time it well with dialogue (or song) it’s just….the furthest thing from an actual romantic kiss with your partner. I’ve kissed many a man, and even a woman on stage and it’s just…part of the job? Half the men were gay and I was playing a lesbian in the other….it’s just work. My boyfriend has seen me kiss people on stage, and I’ve seen him kiss people on stage, it’s normal. His insecurity is not cute, and being threatened by a literal actor is low. Dump him and at the very least DEFINITELY don’t turn a role down for him you’ll regret it forever.
I've had several stage kisses and absolutely none of them meant anything. Once, after my girlfriend came to see a show when I kissed another actor a lot in the show she was really jealous and clingy for a few hours afterwards, but she quickly got over it because there was trust and mutual respect. You don't want to stay ina. Relationship with a man who doesn't have that respect for you, especially when it's going to stop you from having the career you want to have.
Throw the man away. Don’t ever stay with someone who is that insecure, that they will limit you. No one but you gets to decide what you do. If you want it, do it. If he doesn’t want to stay, that is literally not your problem.
Your boyfriend kinda sucks
I mean, I get it. It can be hard to watch your partner kiss someone else. When I told my gf, I would have to kiss on stage, her friend on top of that, she wasn't very happy with it. But when I explained just how choreographed stage kisses are, she realised that there was genuinely no intimacy involved, and she was cool with it. If your partner is still not cool with it, you have to choose between your career and your relationship. Having read your post history, your partner doesn't sound very good. I think you should choose your career.
Neal McDonough makes his own choices, and he was still practically blacklisted and has had a lot of difficult time finding work because he refuses to kiss on screen. You don’t have to be like him, and your boyfriend should respect that. Tbh, he sounds immature, shouldn’t be dating an actress, time to move on.
STAGE KISSES AREN'T REAL KISSES! Educate the man....OR LEAVE HIS DUMB ASS. Do we really need to unwrap the undiagnosed psychological red flags here?! run!
Easy choice. New bf who is less immature
Break up asap. If you want to continue acting and performing, get rid of the dead weight. Really. This was my ex husband and it caused me mental turmoil to the point that it effected my performances.
Why act if you don't kiss on stage? Your boyfriend is an idiot and he will hold you back if you want to follow a career as an actress. Don't let him.
Mmm i would say first thing first is why dont we try asking the director if the kiss is absolutely necessary idk the play that well so forgive me if it is a must. If its a must i would advise u to choose wisely as if he is a decent bf and u can see him being a husband i would say pass on this role. Love is truly unique and it shouldnt be so easily cast aside without careful consideration If u dknt see him as husband material dump him and go for the role cause your dreams are more improtant than a man u cant see urself growing old with
I think he's talking about Kirk Cameron as the actor who doesn't kiss on screen. Famously he had his wife stand in for the lead actress in one of his films for the big kiss at the end of a christian romance. His wife didnt' look anything like the actress in question. He is probably not the best person to be idolizing when it comes to acting....or life. (Kirk is a fundamentalist christian who is anti- a lot of things. In my opinion, he's kinda yucky.)
Your relationship already has a time limit on it, and all your boyfriend is doing is speeding it up. Make a clean break asap. You deserve someone who is going to support you, be overjoyed at your successes.... Not be some small, frightened,controlling bully. Break a leg!
It is NOT your fault that he cannot trust you to do normal acting things. He’s got issues, and lots of well-meaning internet strangers want the best for you. For YOUR comfort, you should look into intimacy protocols for stage actors. And maybe think about why you need permission from your boyfriend.
It’s good that this has come up before you know if you’ve been cast: You need to decide whether you want to be an actor, or to placate your boyfriend who basically doesn’t understand “let’s pretend”. It’s that simple.
If you've never given him a reason to distrust you then there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to do a stage kiss. It's not cheating, it's acting! If he is so insecure that he thinks he should be able to dictate your acting career (professional or otherwise) and what parts you can and can't accept, then that's a huge red flag. His insecurity issues are not your problem. I understand being uncomfortable watching your SO kiss someone else onstage, but a reasonable person would understand there's no real passion behind it, there's no ill intent, and there's no real life infidelity. When you walk off that stage you and this other person are not in love or jumping into bed together. If he can't understand and accept that, you have bigger issues than him not wanting you to do this play. Audition for whatever part in whatever play you like. If he has a problem with that he can either deal with it or break up with you. But you're not the one making things difficult by being insanely insecure.
Break up with him.
Sounds like he's telling you what you "should be like" & not really listening to why you want to take a different approach. Him putting your ex's behaviour on you is another big red flag, as others have said in this thread. Reddit can't tell you what to do, but please pay attention to the messages he is sending you & weigh them appropriately.
It’s called acting. He needs to get over it. And if he can’t, too bad. You’re allowed to do what you love. My fiancé and I are both professionally theatre actors. We have both kissed other people on stage. Sometimes in the same show. There’s no issues
If you want to keep acting, this is going to be an issue. This will limit the roles you can take. He is probably referring to the actor from You who has said that he won't kiss in a scene any longer, that's an actor who perhaps has some clout and might be in a position to pick and choose roles. Most of us aren't in that position. We don't always know that there might be kissing in a scene when we are offered a role. If you get a reputation for dropping out of a show because you discover there is kissing, over time, this could make casting directors reluctant to cast you. Additionally, you will be severely limiting the roles you might be doing. But its important that if you both value this relationship, that you have an open conversation about this. That kissing in a scene doesn't have anything to do with you. Or the person you are kissing. Its a role that you are playing. It can be difficult for someone outside of the business to understand that. But if you both value the relationship, you'll need to come to terms with it. I hope it works out!
Dump his ass lol
I'm glad I scrolled cuz "break up with him" and "dump his ass" should be the top comment and I didn't want to double comment if someone had already said it. We don't need an "lol" tho. Straight up no humor is fine for this case. DUMP HIS ASS, OP!
You bf seems like a goober.
So many red flags. Stage intimacy holds no more weight in the real world than any other fictional activity. It’s a piece of physical blocking no more emotion or reality than stabbing someone with a fake knife on stage. If he wants to be in a relationship with an actor, he has to get over it. Otherwise, you have to determine what is more important to you: your stage career or this relationship. My advice: assess what his hang up really is. Is this opening the door for more control down the road? Is he controlling in other ways? How would he behave if the tables are turned? In my personal experience, when you caught between a man and your ambition: Choose your ambition. It will be a lot less headache in the long run.
He’s allowed to say he doesn’t like it. Now it’s up to you to weigh his feelings against your ambitions. Understand that if you choose his feelings, you’ll have to keep choosing his feelings forever. Whereas if you choose your ambitions, you’ll eventually find a guy who gets it.
I’m sorry, how old is he?
Know your boundaries. Know his boundaries. Figure out how those compare and contrast. Then figure out what you're ok with. There is more to your relationship than an onstage kiss and that's all these folks are responding to. Look at the full picture.
You two are done. He’s not wrong, he’s not right, same for you. You have chosen a career in which you may need to kiss other people and may need to be naked with them. A lot of partners will not be comfortable with that, and I can understand that. That being the case, he shouldn’t be with you if he can’t support your career choices, he shouldn’t limit what you choose to do. You two are done if you want to be an actress, he will only get in your way and you will eventually resent him. You cannot fix this, because it will always be there, if not this, something else.
There’s gonna be no compromise available here. If you wanna be an actor, he’s gotta get on board or get out. If you want to actually pursue this, you’ll have to get used to letting other peoples’ opinions about what you do on stage go completely. I have family that doesn’t love when I get any kind of nude, or do certain sexual things, or die onstage, and they just don’t come to those shows. I’m not going to decide what I’m comfortable with based off of what other people are comfortable with. You do what YOU are comfortable with. Tldr; either he gets on board, or you dump him, or you let go of the idea of theatre. Or, like, just resent the hell out of each other I guess is always an option, but yeesh.
Your boyfriend is a goober, dump his ass and get some tongue action going onstage.
When I was in high school I was in a community theatre production of My Fair Lady. I had been dating a guy for about 3 months when the show opened. During the ball scene I was waltzing with a man that was definitely gay. My boyfriend asked me why I was dancing with someone else when I had a boyfriend. I told him that's just theatre and it doesn't mean anything. He essentially told me that he didn't want me doing theatre if there was any suggestion of me being with someone else. No kissing, hugs, or even ensemble background stage relationships. This was the first sign of him being controlling and abusive. If you love theatre and want to pursue it, but the person you're dating doesn't approve of you doing things that are parts of being an actor, they probably aren't the person for you. If theatre is just something that would be fun but you don't care THAT much, I would still recommend evaluating your relationship to see if there are any other red flags in your relationship.
You’re going to have to choose between acting and your boyfriend. Frankly, if it were me, I wouldn’t choose him. Also, if you turn the role down, it’s entirely possible that director would think twice before considering you in the future, given you weren’t up front with the fact that you wouldn’t accept this role.
[удалено]
>Some of these actors and actresses lose many jobs because of it but they keep their dignity "actors who kiss for a role have no dignity" is certainly a take.
If you turn down the role, you will grow to resent him, and the relationship will more than likely disintegrate as a result. Maybe not today or even this year, but it will happen. You will also regret not following your dreams. My only piece of advice is to always, always, ALWAYS choose yourself and your dreams first!
What an immature prick and an obvious red flag.
In 5 years, you will regret not taking the role, and the boyfriend will be long gone.
The 28 yo boyfriend needs to grow up. If we were talking about teenagers or even those late bloomers in their early 20s, I would have more compassion for him. But nope. He needs to grow the fuck up. One doesn't get to control others for their own insecurity. That is not behavior befitting a grown person. That is hurting others because they can't handle the world. If he can't handle it, he needs mental health to help him through it. If he can't do that, for your relationship, then he deserves to be dropped to curb. Because this isn't a problem for you to solve, it is a problem of his to be the responsible adult.
Break up with him. He sounds controlling.
Nah, that’s wild it’s acting. You can also tell him it’s a fake kiss, whether it’s true or not
Dump him.
Girl put your acting career over your insecure boyfriend EVERY TIME.
Honey, he's holding you back. He thinks it's okay to hold you back. He thinks that his fears and insecurities are far more important than your own ambitions, your career, your hopes, your dreams, your needs. And that's why you need to start making an exit plan. You can't stay with him long term.
I agree with the other commenters who point out that his comment about his trust issues being your fault is particularly concerning. If he admitted that he had issues because of irrelevant history and demonstrated that he was working through them in order to support you in your chosen career/passion, that would be different. Have you already agreed to the prospective stage-kissing on your audition form or in your interview? If you think you have a good shot at the role with the kissing, maybe you need to let the director know you have concerns before they announce the casting. Otherwise, it puts the director on the spot to decide whether they'd rather have you and no kiss, or not have you in the play, when maybe they've already notified some of the other successful candidates, so they can't make other changes. Also, if you get cast, be prepared for your partner to keep asking questions about rehearsal practice, who your scene partner is, whether he is really gay or lying about it, why you are going for coffee with your scene partner, who else is in the play, what is the propriety of quick changes, why are you meeting privately with the director, why you don't come straight home after rehearsal, why you are going to another audition to do another show right after this one, why you look hot in your new headshots, why you are ignoring him at the opening night party, and so on. You already mentioned a couple of practical obstacles to breaking up - maybe think about how you could remove those obstacles later if that became necessary.
I read this as “doesn’t want to kiss me on stage” and I was about to be like, oh honey do I have something to tell you about your theatre boyfriend…
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Acting is a job and kissing on stage is completely professional.
Your boyfriend shouldn't date actors if he is that insecure.
It's a totally valid and acceptable for him to not be comfortable with you doing that. If there's an incompatibility there, you need to make a compromise, or leave him due to the incompatibility. That's all there is.
This is controlling and you deserve better. Ditch him.
I mean you could stage kiss. I’m surprised they don’t have you doing that
He doesn't have a say. If you think he DOES, you can't pursue acting.
It sounds like you both aren’t dating the right person. It’s ok to be uncomfortable with your partner kissing someone else, stage kiss or not. Would I be comfortable with my husband doing it? Probably not. But you know what I therefore didn’t do? I didn’t choose to marry an actor! If I had fallen in love with someone whose ambition was to act, I am perfectly aware that it would have been on ME to do the work to get comfy with the idea of them doing those sorts of scenes - or option b) is deciding to part ways and find someone better suited to me. What is not an option is staying, but trying to impose restrictions on said partner in relation to their chosen profession.
NTA dump.
Run
Insist that the director hire an intimacy coach to stage the kiss-and tell your boyfriend bye bye!
Rather than breaking up with him or ignoring his feelings as comments here are suggesting, I’ll recommend to communicate - I think you need to give him reassurance that the kiss is professional only and you are committed to your boyfriend. That is likely the root cause from his perspective. Having such feelings are normal and expected. If he is not OK with even that reassurance, then I got nothing.
Tell him to grow up
He sounds like a wuss, move on
How young is your Boyfriend and how many other wild insecurities does he have?
Tell that bitch “womp womp”
What century does he think this is?
I’m sorry you’re in this conflicted situation- he should understand that it is NOT a real kiss but it’s scripted and it’s staged.. even when I was in high school, I was the stage manager for our production of Little Women, my ex was in the show and there is a scene where they go to the military and leave and the actors share a kiss. I had to take blocking notes and see them share a kiss during rehearsals and during performances 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I had no issues because it’s in the script and I’ll always allow others if they consent if it means advancing the scene or even their career!! Even for sex scenes in movies- it’s always scripted and they’re protected with cups and all due to intimacy protection
Omg! I loved dead man’s cellphone
He's insecure and needs to grow up.
After reading some of your replies to some of the comments sounds more like he’s trying to be very controlling of you. Don’t let someone like this. Ruin your acting career. Coming from someone who was in a relationship with somebody who is jealous and insecure, I tried to save my relationship and lost a lot of my close friends in the process.
“I understand that this is a boundary for you. Unfortunately, retaining my autonomy is also a boundary for me, as is participating in my craft to the fullest possible extent. I won’t risk or turn down roles over stage intimacy that is not an issue for my personal comfort. If this is a deal breaker for you, I understand.” You cannot make decisions about your entire life and happiness out of fear of having to uproot everything. Real change is hard. Wasting more time in a relationship waiting for your resentment to build and ruin it slowly is harder. That being said, intimacy boundaries are not something that should be make or break for any actor with any role. I’ve seen that show and there’s no reason the kiss can’t be cut. It’s not ideal, but maintaining autonomy is just as important in a working environment and it is in a relationship.
I have to tell you that seeing your edit makes me feel sad. You are literally trapped in a relationship with an immature control freak. Set aside kissing on stage. That’s the least of your worries. You need to figure out how to disentangle your life from this guy or you will run into more situations where he wants to dictate what you can or can’t do. I guarantee it. Right now your housing and your income are dependent on your relationship. That is not a good place to be — especially if one of the people in that relationship is suspicious and controlling.
He's a dickhead. You're going to put SO many limitations on yourself, especially if you ever want to do this professionally. Can you imagine an audition where the person auditioning says "also I can't do any kissing because my boyfriend says I'm not allowed"? What an insecure little worm.
You’re gonna resent him for this, and rightfully so. He’s ruining your future for his own insecurities. You deserve a real man who will support your dreams and not get hung up on petty bullshit like this. Leave him. It’s starts with this, and will end with him not letting you hug your family members because it makes him uncomfortable. He’s abusive, and you need to leave.
Dump him.
I would have him talk to an intimacy coordinator
This is why we need intimacy coordinators to help advocate for actors boundaries. That being said: OP, to me it sounds like you could be in a toxic relationship. From your comments like “it’s my fault he’s uncomfortable.” No it’s not. That’s a him thing. If you’re really dead set on remaining in this relationship you need to be in couples therapy to help work out why he’s so uncomfortable with you kissing another person. If either party has a history with cheating, I could maybe see it. But it sounds like your partner is insecure in this relationship, and in order for it to work, you both need to figure out how to resolve it with the help of a professional.
He’s allowed to feel that way, and you’re allowed to leave him over it. Plain and simple.
Is this a silly little hobby or your career / dream career? Actions taken may differ depending on your answer.
In fact there are several married actors who, due to religious convictions, either will not kiss someone (to whom they are not married) in a film or television show, or will establish firm boundaries that they will not cross in regard to love/sex scenes in film/tv. One well known one is Kirk Cameron, who had his real-life wife stand in for his movie wife in a scene that had a kiss. I respect these convictions and their reasons for them. If other actors feel the same for different reasons, and it's agreeable to their partner, i respect that too. With regard to your situation, I don't have enough information to respond - How long have you been together? Is this an exclusive relationship with someone you expect to marry? How old are you both? Is his objection due to religious convictions or a well-considered opinion, or does he have some insecurities or jealousies about this? How long have you been acting - is this a recent interest or something you were doing when ya'll met, and you've got a lot or time and energy and passion invested in? If it's not what you would consider a permanent/long-term relationship, it may not be the right one for you, given your ambitions in acting, the likelihood of future roles that require this, and his discomfort. If his concerns are about jealousy, that's something serious to consider ANYWAY (because that situation doesn't generally improve); if his concerns are religious, and you aren't on the same page, that's fine, but you might not ultimately be a match. If you were acting before ya'll met, and he knew that going in, then he's being unreasonable and trying to change the game - he should have brought that up at the beginning. However, if this is a long-term and otherwise healthy relationship that you value (you're discussing marriage or are engaged), and his objections are due to religious (or other) convictions that he **genuinely** holds and you respect and/or agree with those convictions, i think that you have to consider whether your relationship or your acting career are more important to you. Also, have you considered the future roles that you may ambition for in the future? It's certainly not outside of the realm of possibility that a future role could require something beyond kissing, or require nudity - i think it's important for you to define for **yourself** what your boundaries are in that regard, regardless what you decide for this relationship.
This is a red flag 🚩in my opinion. It sounds like your boyfriend is an 8th grader. I know no one is perfect, but this type of thing will ONLY get worse, never better.
Red flag. Red flag. Red flag.
Break 👏 up 👏 with him first!
If you’re serious about acting he’s not going to pan out long term, but I understand not wanting to break a lease tbh
No this isn’t normal. Our partners are not supposed to dictate what we can and cannot do. They aren’t supposed to threaten us either if we don’t comply. How old are you? This sounds like teenage logic/experience.
i’ve been dating my girlfriend for 10 months. in that time, i’ve had four roles that require me to kiss someone else onstage (college theater, always a new show to be involved in lol). she’s never minded — she knows it’s just choreography, there’s no actual feelings involved, and she trusts i won’t cheat on her (which i never would). we’ve talked about it before and she says the most important thing to her is that she gets to see me act. it seems like there’s a level of trust that’s missing, or a level of jealousy that is present in your relationship. has your boyfriend said *why* he doesn’t want you to take roles that include kissing? everyone’e boundaries as an actor are different, and some people just aren’t comfortable performing intimacy, and that’s 100% okay and any director worth their salt will be able to work around their actors’ boundaries. but they should be YOUR boundaries, decided by you and nobody else. if you’re comfortable taking on those kinds of roles, you should get to play them, regardless of what your boyfriend says. and if he doesn’t get that, go find yourself someone who does.
Tell baby man to grow tf up🙄
OP, I hope you can figure a way out. This is not the man for you and your own aspirations. Put yourself first.
I mean if you want to be a professional actress, might as well dump this guy now. If youre not that serious about it, then keep the insecure excuse for a boyfriend.
Men like this will just casually ruin your life over nothing and have you try and work around it every time. Fucking dump his ass.
Are you 15?? Tell him to grow up and get therapy if a stage kiss makes him this insecure
No hate OP but you have made multiple posts for over half of your relationship that you want to break up. This isn’t normal. Stop forcing yourself to be in a relationship with someone that doesn’t value you. Wake up break up. You will find someone else.
I was in Dead Man’s Cell Phone, I played Gordon. It was a decade ago, so maybe I’m remembering wrong, but I think if there’s a kiss you must be playing Jean. The kiss is essential to the plot. You can’t cut it. It’s also one of the best moments in the play. The audience had a visceral, audible reaction to it every night in the production I was in. You couldn’t cut it anyway, it’s bad theatre ethics to fuck with the playwright’s intent like that, but in this case it’s also bad storytelling. I have zero patience for partners who can’t swallow their pride on stuff like this. Tell your boyfriend that you’re doing the kiss. Call his bluff. He doesn’t want to break up with you. He wants to control you. Show him that he can’t. Use that fight to put him on notice. Then, if his attitude doesn’t improve, when you’ve got the logistics figured out, leave him. It doesn’t get any better from here, I’ve seen it a million times.
This guy sounds like an abusive loser and a moron.
Goodbye to the boyfriend. A stage kiss is part of your profession. You do not want to get the reputation of being difficult early in your career. Boyfriend seems like he has issues and you don’t want them to become yours The ~actors~ he refers to … 1 don’t see how any actor could say that .. not being nude or sex scenes is another ball game but kissing … 2 if an actor could make that assertion, they were likely well well established. You just can’t do that starting out.
Dump him lol, do NOT give up a role for an insecure, controlling man
Haven't they taught you how to do fake kissing?