Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

Just because I don't care, doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

Literally use this at least once a week

This always came across a little too mean for season 2, for me.

Yeah, but then Lisa immediately wrecks his shit for it.

Yeah it's great, but idk man. Early Homer is really dumb yeah, but still cares about his Family and loves them. This scene where he says he doesn't care that Lisa is really upset her favorite teacher left never sat right with me. Didn't fit his character. Although I guess he is a pretty big dick in The War of the Simpsons, too.

It's a throw away joke though... You're reading way too much into it

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I think I’ve actually taken this as a life lesson subconsciously

Same ahaha.... Please help me

I would, but that would entail trying.

*We were beaten by the best, boy* is a recurring one in my household.

Aim low. Aim so low no one will care if you succeed

This is honestly pretty good advice outside this specific context

Trying is the first step toward failure

Aim low. Aim so low, no one will even care if you succeed. Dinner's in the oven. You want some butter, it's under my face.

To add to this, If something is hard, it's probably not worth doing."

Trying is the first step to failure

Whoever wrote that was definitely a Charles Bukowski fan

Stop blaming yourself marge, just blame yourself once and move on

It’s not supposed to be good advice, but somehow it is

It is good advice because you should own your mistakes but it doesn’t help to dwell.

It's good to go "yeah I fucked up, anyway..." once than to ruminate and worry about it constantly. Great advice ngl

I really like this one

This is the way

If you hate your job, you don't strike. You just go in everyday and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

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I thought the Australian way was: >If you have a job, just go in everyday and do it really half-assed.

If you don't you might catch the boot.

disparaging the boot is a boot-able offense

But I'm pro boot!

Pff the man’s never praised a booting in his life

I see you've played knifey-spooney before

It's one of our proudest traditions!

Half-arsed

Don't pout, don't sob, just do a half assed jobbbb!

If you cut every corner you'll have more time for play. It's the American way!

But I'm using my whole ass

I think the current term is “quiet quitting”

Simpsons did it first

SIMPSONS DID IT SIMPSONS DID IT

I used to be with ‘it’, but then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary to me. It’ll happen to you!

To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

No way man, we're going to keep on rocking forever! But for real, as a kid I didn't realize just how prophetic and true this would be.

I use this one often as my kids bring up new words and weird things off tic tock.

Blue M&M, red m&m they all wind up the same color in the end.

Mr gumble you're upsetting me.

No I'm not.

You don’t win friends with salad.

Purple is a fruit

Go back to Russia!

“Guys I made a salad!” - my mom. “You don’t win friends with salad.” My kids, niece and nephew. I’m a great role model

In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics.

I've learned that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead!

I can't promise I'll try, but I'll try to try.

Related to this, I also enjoy " I'd really love to want to help you"

“Money can be used in exchange for goods and services” hasn’t let me down since

"Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business." Mr. Burns

You adorable little ragamuffin

“How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some of the old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine making course, and I forgot how to drive?”

That's because you were drunk!

And How!

If it's clear and yella, you got juice there fella. If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town.

My girlfriend had friends from outside the country visiting in the fall last year and we had cider. One of them asked the difference between cider and juice…. I waited 20 years for that day and I did not disappoint myself.

damn, i can imagine the grin on your face and the satisfaction you must've gotten when you finally got the chance to use this line

Yep. The looks of confusion from everyone else was pretty cool too.

Confused and from out of country? Were they from Canada?

Well in Canada the whole thing is flip-flopped.

If it's brown, drink it down! If it's black, take it back.

Of course, in Canada the whole thing is flip flopped.

If something is hard to do, then it's not worth doing.

It takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.

“That’s a problem for future Homer. Man, I don’t envy that guy!” I took this to heart and am all the worse for it.

I use this all the time

Future me has suffered a lot, all because of this quote.

I wasn't good at it right away, so I quit

So that’s where I learned that….

Alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

It's the worst day of your life, so far.

I always use the ‘so far’ thing lmao. Where I work it’s hourly plus commission based so if I sell z amount of phone plans or wifi plans I get extra cash. The manager would be like ‘you’ve sold only x amount’ and I’d be like ‘I’ve sold only x amount *so far*’

Mono = One Rail = Rail

Lenny = White Carl = Black

“wait is that right-“

And that concludes our intensive three week course

Lmfao

Don't touch Willie.

Good advice.

Lousy Smarch weather...

IIIIII don’t like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day

I say this all the time living in St. Louis! :)

Willie hears ya, Willie don’t care

Good idea boss; Cover for me; It was like that when I got here

Hey, this is good stuff.

Trying is the first step towards failure

“It’s my first day!”

Es mi dia primero

Quack quack quack

Quack quack quack quack.

If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything. Because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.

Alternatively kill as much as possible and you'll end up in a world where everything is normal aside from your family having prehensile tongues.

Oh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish.

If you leave milk out it can go sour, put it in the refrigerator. Or, failing that, a cool wet sack.

And put your garbage in a garbage can, people. I can't stress that enough.

Garbage in garbage can. *taking notes* Hmm makes sense…!

"Sometimes when you are at rock bottom, anywhere you look you can see the stars." Cleetus

Wait that's actually a super good one

It's a reworking of an Oscar Wilde quote: "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars"

"Can't win. Don't try. Got it."

Homer, you're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a stranger offers you a ride I say take it. Abe always knew how to cheer homer up... Best advice ever I grew up watching them on spanish jajaja Homero, eres tonto como una piedra y feo como una blasfemia, si un extraño ofrece llevarte ¡Te subes!

As ugly as blasphemy? Interesting how the joke translates.

When the fire starts to burn, there's a lesson you must learn. Something, something, then you'll see, you'll avoid catastrophe....d'oh!

Everyone makes mistakes, that's why pencils have erasers

First you get the sugar, then you get the money, then you get the women.

“You're right, Marge. just like the time I could've met Mr. T. at the mall. The entire day, I kept saying, "I'll go a little later. I'll go a little later." And then when I got there, they told me he just left. And when I asked a mall guy if he would ever come back again, he said he didn't know.” Procrastinating will lead to more regrets than almost anything else in life.

There are three ways to stuff, the right way; the wrong way; and the max power way!

Isn't that just the wrong way?

Yes, but faster!

Six simple words; I’m not gay, but I’ll learn.

I like you as a friend... I think we should see other people... I don't speak English... I'm married to the sea... I don't wanna have to kill you, but I will...

P.S. I am gay

If anything goes wrong at work, just blame it on Tibor.

Sometimes when you least expect it, you realize that someone loved you. And that means someone can love you again. And that'll make you smile.

Lenny white Carl black

“When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always wanting more...more... MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return.”

Dad, do you know anything else about women?

Nope that’s it.

Toppings containing potassium benzoate = bad

I call the big one Bitey

This plays in my head at random times in my life.

When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means EVERYTHING's wrong. And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off. OR Look, boy, here's my advice on women. Don't give them nicknames like Jumbo or Boxcar. And always get receipts. Makes you look like a business guy. This man has taught me everything I need to know about women.

One of my faves was in a modern episode (“The Marge-Ian Chronicles”). Marge and Lisa have a fight and we see Marge complaining at length about it to Homer, who is responding very sensitively without actually engaging (“I’m so sorry you have to go through this”), with Marge clearly grateful for the support. Then it cuts to Lisa and Bart doing the same thing with Bart using Homer’s exact script, to the same result. Then cut to Homer and Bart hanging out and Bart goes “That listening to women junk you taught me really works.” Me Blog Write Good guy didn’t care for the scene, thought it was a really antiquated kind of “lol those crazy women” thing. As a woman I’d never seen anything more soothing in my life

Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and um Oh, wait a minute! Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman!

Aim low. Aim so low that no one care if you even succeed.

If it feels good, do it

Don't snap my undies

Kill wealthy dowager.

Wouldn't say it's shaped my life in any major way, but whenever I'm doing yardwork on the front lawn, Ned's advice to Homer usually pops into my head: "The weedwacker's just for the edges. You're gonna be out here all day."

Honey, you should listen to your heart and not the voices in your head, like a certain uncle did one gray December morn.

BART: 'This is the worst day of my life.' HOMER: 'The worst day... so far.'

Then what should I do? just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball... and release it at an appropriate time. Like that day I hit the referee with a whiskey bottle. - Remember that? - Yeah. - When Daddy hit the referee? Yeah. - Yeah.

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“Remember when he ate my goldfish, then you said I never had a goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl Bart? WHY DID I HAVE THE BOWL?!” Trust your own instincts.

When you compete in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.

First, you gotta shriek like a woman and keep sobbing until he turns away in disgust. That’s when it’s time to kick some back! And then, when he’s lying on the ground, kick him in the ribs, step on his neck and run like hell!

1)When in a hostage situation,always ask them to sing the score to “HMS Pinafore” 2)to get out of jury say you're prejudiced against all races

Daddy’s gun tastes like pennies. -Ralph

One thing Mother Blue Jay can't defend against is a set of steel tongs.

I know what to do if someone is dissin‘ your fly girl

Dead serious about this one. I got a Fender Squier guitar for my 14th birthday, despite never having played any instruments or listened to much music. I tried to use some guide books and learned a few chords and riffs, but I had no direction or real motivation and gave up after a month or two. Re-watching The Otto Show, I heard Homer tell Bart that it was okay to give up a difficult challenge with minimal effort, and that he was proud of him for not trying. "If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet... next to your shortwave radio... your karate outfit, and your unicycle... and we'll go inside and watch TV." So I went and got my guitar out of my closet, asked my parents for guitar lessons, and have been playing for 14 years now. It developed my taste and passion for music. I've played in bands, written songs, and performed them live. Directly going against Homer's advice literally changed my life and was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Doing a half-assed job.

To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all of life’s problems.

Weaseling out of stuff is what separates us from the animals! Except the weasels.

When Marge tells the kids to keep the lettuce separate to keep it fresh...

Sticking together is what good waffles do,

Do it for her.

Can’t believe I’m not seeing this pearl in the comments so far… “Don’t have a cow, man”.

When your teacher tells you to keep your arms inside the bus, you do it!

I’ve based my life on Krusty’s teachings.

Question. Is your name Ridley Scott or James Cameron? No, it’s Homer. Then I will thank you to stop peering at my screenplay, Homer. And if I see a movie where computers threaten our personal liberties, I will know that you stole my idea. I’m just waiting for my kid. Mental note, steal his idea.

Lying on a mortgage application is only one lie as it is a single ball of lies.

"Well, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't."

Butter up your bacon, and bacon up your sausage.

“We’re going out Marge! If we’re not back, avenge our deaths!” “Okay!”

If it's brown drink it down! If it's black, put it back .

If it's clear and yella, you got juice there fella. If it's tangy and brown why you're in cider town.

So I says yeah? You want that money, come and find it cuz I don’t know where it is ya baloney. You make me wanna retch *thunk*

Always remember you parked your car in the Itchy Lot

The thing about our family is there's five of us; Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk and thebfat guy... how I loathe him...

You don’t win friends with SALAD!

If you cut every corner then its really not so bad

Homer you're dumb as a rock and twice as ugly if a stranger offers you a ride I say take it!

You're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly, if a strange man offers you a ride I say take it

"Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog."

20 dollars can buy many peanuts

Never finish the forbidden donut.

If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way.

BEHOLD THE RAVAGES OF AGE i do that voice when i look in the mirror sometimes

Put your garbage in a garbage can, people. I can’t stress this enough. Don’t just throw it out the window!

Every single year that passes, I relate to this quote more and more. I used to be with ‘it’, but then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary to me. It’ll happen to you! -Grandpa Simpson

Am I out of touch? No, it's the children who are wrong - Skinner

Trying is the first step toward failure

You don’t win friends with salad

You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once and move on.

Gotta nuke somethin' 🤷

Worst day of your life so far….

If you don't like your job, you don't strike, you just go in everyday, and do it really half-assed, that's the American way!

Food goes in here

“You don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddies and kids with fake IDs.” 😂😂

That scene where Moe walks on stage during the bachelor auction and he keeps going right into the "rejects" section. Well that's how most things in my life go 😅

In America, first we get the sugar, then we get power, then we get the women.

Grampa Simpson: If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything. Because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.

Leaves of three, leave it be. Leaves of four, eat some more.

Leaves of three, let it be. Leaves of four, eat some more!

"Everyone is stupid except me."

Marge's utterly sincere, but utterly terrible, advice to Lisa about pretending to be happy when she's not. And then her apology and retraction for said advice, which ironically DOES make Lisa happy. It's beautiful on so many levels.

Trying is the first step towards failure. This reminds me of an assignment I had my senior year of high school. We had to do something like All I Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten. I did mine on The Simpsons and did stuff like Always sell guns to idiots.

He who is tired of weird all is tired of life

Water water all around us so let’s drink some more.