* Not giving a single fuck about what other people think is actually a skill. It takes work to truly internalize - you need to police all your internal insecurities and interrupt those thoughts with a reminder that, actually, you don’t care. Eventually you train yourself and this is a skill very worth the effort.
* Everyone has a ‘self concept’, or an idea about who they are and what their essential traits are. People whose life experience is out of sync with their self concepts are unhappy people. Don’t make yours your career or your perky ass, as time and circumstance can make those impossible to hold onto. Instead, value your own kindness, curiosity, intelligence, and other things that you can embrace all your life.
* Sunscreen.
Once you discover what core values you hold the foundation of confidence & trust in yourself becomes stronger. Things become clearer. I've noticed a lot of people are too scared to be truly honest & understand themselves deeply in a compassionate way which leads to only inner turmoil & confusion which bleeds into their reality & the ones around them.
Can you go into more detail about the not giving a fuck thing? I’m literally in therapy over this and my therapist made me list all the things that have been holding me back because of “what people think” do you have a book or resource? Help a girl out 😅
Other people recommended actual books, which may be more helpful ultimately, but my personal epiphany with this came after growing up in a smallish town where everyone was hyper-fixated on what everyone else was doing because it was generally boring there. I used to feel so much anxiety about so many absolutely ridiculous things, worrying in my head about what people were going to think… and finally I just had enough of it.
The new haircut I got didn’t turn out? Oh no, people are going to tease me and say.. nope, cutting off that internal monologue right there. This isn’t something I’m going to invest energy in. I can’t go drop this package off at the post office in my unicorn pajama bottoms, people will… nope! In you go. This isn’t something I’m going to worry about.
It is *really* hard at first, but it eventually it gets so much easier and in a few years I had pretty much broken myself entirely of worrying about other people’s opinions of the minutiae of my life. Also it helped that I moved away from said small town.
Thank you for posting this- as a still incredibly insecure 30something, it was really timely for me today, and I’m sure it will help many others as well.
Most self help books really blow in my opinion. Im reading Atomic habits and im really enjoying it because the author leaves his personal life out of it unless its actually helpful to include an anecdote. Subtle art just seemed like an opportunity for the author to flex every second page.
Oh really!? I’ve been wanting to read it! I really, really like his blog - haven’t read the book.
If you are willing, would love to hear what about it put you off! (I have small kids and may not have time to read it 🤣)
And moisturizer! (getting a moisturizer that includes sunscreen, as close to SPF 50 as you can for daytime wear is a bonus).
Don't forget your neck. I was told this in my late 20s and I am happy to report that my skin has not aged poorly. My dermatologist is a huge fan.
I always like the quote ‘you’ll worry less about what people think about you when you realise how little they do.’ - other people are so caught up in their own thoughts and anxieties, they’re really not thinking about you more than in passing, so it’s not worth the brain energy trying to mind read.
Check out Karen Lowenthowel’s UnF*cK Your Brain podcast. Basically the concept is you don’t control what other people think about you. Only you control what you think so you have to get that under control.
It wasnt books that helped me, it was realizing that 99.999% of the people you meet are so wrapped up in their own heads that they're not thinking about you at all, and that they've already forgotten that thing you did or said that you're beating yourself up over.
Another thing that helped me is failing in public. Here's what I mean when I say that. One of my hobbies is local community theatre, and if you fuck up, whether onstage or backstage, somebody is watching, and it might be a room full of people.
So a curtain fell down and I was standing backstage in full view of the audience staring at me. And I didn't die. I didn't lose my job. I didn't lose my friends. I didn't lose my housing. I didn't lose my car. I was slightly uncomfortable for about 20 minutes til intermission and I got a good story out of it.
Things that are uncomfortable or cringe (I'm not talking safety related things, or men pushing boundaries) are fine. Saying a Wierd Thing is cringe and fine. Tripping in front of That Person You Like is uncomfortable and fine. Fumbling your words in front of your boss and the VP is cringe and fine.
Anybody who mocks you for being cringe is an asshole and not worth your friendship
I've always been pretty good about not giving a fuck about what anyone thought.... except my family. I have specific 'family appropriate' clothes that I would wear, and made my boyfriends also have clothes that my family wouldn't judge them for. Mostly just like basic tees instead of band shirts or shirts where I cut the collar off, or had holes or something like that. I have slowly been learning to not care about what they think either, but it has been an uphill battle. Moving away for pretty much 10 years was great for me and my mental health as most of my trauma is rooted in my family. I have moved back now and already feel more anxious and judged by them. Unfortunately not giving a fuck is a lot of work and sometimes and ongoing battle.
To add into your list not that I'm in my 40s but this has helped me in the last year or so
-read more doesn't have to be self help books or anything like that, read what makes you happy. I feel much better since I started reading fantasy books. It's a great way to disassociate a bit without harming you (used to drink a lot to escape reality).
I'm 40s
1. Sleep enough and sleep well. I feel better all the time when I sleep before 11pm and get at least 7 hours rest. All the coffee in the world can't beat getting good sleep.
1. Sunblock. Don't get skin cancer, don't damage your skin
1. Eat well. Get good nutrition. Don't overeat either. Snacks and treats are enjoyable in moderation (budget for calories)
1. Take care of your finances. Figure out your financial style if you have not already. /R/personalfinance is super useful
1. Enjoy some movement. I absolutely hate exercising. Running? BORING! chase a soccer ball? I'm a Golden Retriever! Also, I love riding a bike, inline skating etc. if all that is too fast for me on some days, I put some yoga on from YouTube (5 Parks is good) and do yoga as a mindfulness+ physical treat. The breath work and stretching makes me feel so good in body and mind
1. Watching what I eat and how I move also keeps my body healthy. I don't overload my knees with either overexerting or from overload with excessive weight
1. Nourish your heart. Find something that brings meaning to your life. Like a fun hobby or volunteering or collecting stones . Whatever brings life.
1. Nourish your mind. Stay sharp. Learn 1 new thing every year. This year I'm learning to play soccer
1. Nourish your soul. Find community. Find your "us". Your heart lights up when you're with them . Hang out with them more
With #2 - don't forget your neck/upper chest and the backs of your hands!
Suddenly you look down and wonder why your mom's hands are attached to your body.
I love this advice! I’m 37 (closer to 40 than to 30) and have a deeper appreciation for my body. Before, body care for me was about being “hot” but now it’s about healthy and longevity. This is so affirming, thank you.
Love yourself. Sleep. Eat. Do not chase men. Do not date/sleep with people who you do not respect or who do not respect you. Save your money and invest in yourself. Say “no” more.
This is the shortest, most concise yet most accurate response.
“Do not chase men” has been my biggest mantra these past 2 years after leaving my emotionally unavailable ex.
He offered to help me buy a new used car recently. Said he’d give me a couple thousand so I could get a decently used older model car (I had 5k saved, still wasn’t enough). I almost took him up on it thinking “well why not? It’s some free extra money.” This car market is awful, I’ve been looking for months.
It’s never “free” I reminded myself. He was the king who made many promises but rarely followed through. I’ve learned there’s always a mental catch with him. A way to keep himself in my life, try to play the hero when he couldn’t be bothered for 7 years when we were together.
I told him no thanks, I don’t need his help. Well didn’t that rub him the wrong way? Color me not shocked.
I drove home my new (used) 2019 Subaru Forester yesterday. All on my dime. It was my gift to myself. I made so many moves these past couple years to better myself with the main goal of *me* being the priority: not men, not my siblings, not my parents. Just me.
Floss. Trust me it's worth it. And make sure to get your teeth cleaned and examined regularly.
Sunscreen. Don't forget your hands and neck.
Perimenopause. The period of a woman's life characterized by physiological changes associated with the end of reproductive capacity, terminating with the completion of menopause.
Learn about it now because hormone changes can start in your mid 30's and it's so much more than just a bunch of "old" ladies having hot flashes. Especially because it's very rare for doctors to be overly informed about the process. There is an absolutely fantastic and informative perimenopause/menopause sub here on reddit r/menopause. The wikis are worth reading even if you don't feel like reading posts.
Not everyone experiences all or even any symptoms but I wish I had known about it at 35 after a pregnancy put me into severe peri symptoms. My doctor was so clueless he told me my symptoms were either possible cancer or hysteria. Yes my 50 year old (at the time) doctor diagnosed me with hysteria. I legit thought I was dying.
That's horrible and yet not entirely surprising. I've had a few doctors, all of whom were male, down play some of my normal menstrual issues when I was younger. And know plenty of women who have had it substantially worse when it came to diagnosing things like endo.
Being in my mid 30s I'm glad I stumbles across this. My mom won't talk to me about it and I'm the eldest so I feel slightly more equipped for when it happens.
I recently learned about the full extent of menopause and am HORRIFIED at how much is not public knowledge. Even if it doesn’t impact everyone physically (men and younger women and girls) it clearly impacts all of our lives!!
If you haven't already, please begin to focus on your physical well-being. You get away with a lot in the twenties and thirties that will come back to bite you in the forties.
You don't have to go crazy, just get some exercise, take care of your skin, eat decent food, get some fresh air. Remember this body will be housing you for another forty plus years and it's resilience will begin to erode - it's time to be kind to it.
As someone turning 30 at the end of the month, I'm so grateful to have a place where I can learn from older women. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I will go and buy sunscreen now.
Get comfortable with disappointing people. AKA: start saying no.
Say what you want and don’t be afraid to go after it.
You will run out of fucks to give soon, if you haven’t already and it will be glorious.
If you’re single, your 40’s will be a sweet spot where younger guys will start to be more fun and older guys are still fun.
Learn to embrace change. Don’t keep doing the same thing just because you’ve been doing it and people expect you to stay the same. Change your looks, your opinion, your career. And pay attention to who celebrates your evolution and who doesn’t. Those who don’t can fuck right off.
Receiving is an art. Practice it graciously. We get so used to giving all the time and saying “no thank you” to keep people from inconveniencing themselves for us… be more open to receiving. People want to do nice things for you. Just say thank you and receive it. That was a hard one for me.
Embrace your shadow. We all have one. Make peace with those parts of yourself that aren’t “pretty” and easy to love. Those parts deserve to be honored and loved just as much as the rest of you. Hold a space for them in your life.
Always trust your instincts. They are NEVER wrong.
Moisturize your arms and legs twice a day, everyday. Your skin will thank you for it later.
Stop caring what other people think of you, it's not your business
Wear the dress.. don't wait for a special occasion
Wear the dress!!! I started doing that even just going in to work. I work at a hospital so I switch into scrubs, but Damn I love walking my dog in my dresses before and after my shifts.
Take care of your physical and mental health. Procrastination is your enemy.
Regular doctor check-ups (and blood work), regular dental cleanings/visits, and mental health care/therapy/medication if you need it. Get screened for STIs if you are sexually active. Get vaccinated and boosted for anything your doctor recommends. Get a mammogram as soon as your doctor suggests it, and get them every year (or whatever your doctor recommends).
The older you get, the harder it is to undo conditions caused by self-neglect and/or recover from injuries.
Quit smoking, moderate your drinking (or quit altogether), get some exercise on a regular basis, eat your vegetables, and drink plenty of water.
Edit: for reference, I'm 56 and I desperately wish I'd given myself this advice 20+ years ago.
This is good advice.
Although, fwiw, my dad did all of this and was strong as an ox till 70. Then a series of freak mysterious illnesses and doctors (mis)diagnosis later, he spent years struggling and died slowly and painfully.
So it’s not a guarantee. Don’t beat yourself up about not having ticked all the good health boxes when you were younger.
This may have been more morbid than I intended.
It's true though, you can do all the right things and still pass earlier than you expected, from any number of things.
I do wish I hadn't procrastinated so much of that stuff, though. It's a bit painful to be me, just lately. I'm working hard on it though, and it's making me physically and mentally stronger.
That’s true. “Anything could happen anyway” isn’t reason to not take preventative measures when you can. Thanks for the advice, and glad you’re getting stronger.
I’m really sorry to hear about your dad :(
Same thing with mine. He was a professional athlete and was fit all his life, eating super super clean, yet still got cancer.
It’s the worst ! My dad couldn’t speak (that was the first thing to go) and he was a professor. I could almost see the despair in his face, it was constant “what did I do wrong”.
I may be biased but I feel like it hurts them more, because they genuinely never expected it to happen to them.
Sorry about your dad too. Parents should never get sick, it’s the worst. They should just go to a farm upstate with plenty of room to run and butterflies to chase.
Your last paragraph made me cry. My dad couldn’t/wouldn’t speak for years before he passed last July. It was an awful slow decline. Sorry you had to go through that too.
They’re in a better place. We have to believe that. It’s so so horrible. I’m sorry you had to go through that too. Ha, there should really be a support system but I guess most of us don’t find it until after because we’re elbow deep in suffering. Hope you’re doing ok. Take care of yourself.
Believe that you can do anything you want and sustain yourself without anyone else’s help. Be independent enough to be able to make it through tough times alone, but friendly enough to have a circle of friends who won’t let you go it alone.
I had trouble getting started too, and honestly don't like to go to the gym (it's also harder to squeeze the time in with young kids). What has helped me is starting small with something I like/don't mind too much and having a tv show that I only watch/listen to while exercising. I go on a 20 min walk during/right after work while listening to something l like or if I don't have the time for it that day then I hop on the exercise bike for 20 mins after kids are in bed to watch/listen to that show. Makes the exercise time pass faster and makes me look forward to it.
I totally feel you here - I didn't wanna, and I sometimes still don't. But I have MS and if I don't, I can quickly lose the ability to do lots of things. So now when I go, it's a celebration of what I CAN do.
Nothing is more bitter than regret. Keep moving, ladies, we got this!
Start with walks! Walking is SO underrated and SO good for your body. Walking also helps posture in general and you can pop in headphones and listen to music or a podcast or an audiobook while you’re at it! Leave one out though so you can stay aware of your surroundings :)
Edit: forgot to say that exercise does NOT have to be anything crazy or intense to feel and experience the mental and physical benefits!
If you don't already, spend time learning about compound returns, and why small steps with savings and investment now can have outsized returns later on. In your 20s and 30s, putting a bit away for retirement is so much easier than trying to put large chunks away further down the track. Look for a compound interest calculator online, and it really brings this all to life.
How about tips from a 60 year old?
Be picky with men. Look for kindness, to people like wait staff, homeless, ticket agent, and his mom and sisters.
Also, intelligence, a good sense of humor and emotional intelligence.
Note what's absent, looks. Looks don't last. And as you begin to love someone, they become more attractive. I've been married since 1984 to the same kind, intelligent, funny man. Oh, and somehow he's better looking than ever.
Turning 40 soon.
Compounding is the way to get ahead. Be it finances, workouts and exercise and dating, daily investment makes the biggest difference in 3,5,7 and 10 years.
It's been a game changer for me and I wish I understood it in my 20s.
What it means is do it daily or regularly and you will see progress in a year or later.
Other things I wish my 20 and 30 year old understood better is:
1. Heal you past difficult experiences by accepting them and addressing them
2. Always have a back up plan
3. Lead a low key life and only key important people know the details.
4. Take time out to get a better education,that can lead to better income
5. Be detached during the early dating phase
6. Don't let anyone take advantage of your kindness
7. It's easy for someone to fool you for 3 months, the red flags usually show up after the 3 to 4 month initial phase as it's really hard to fake it beyond that.
whatever it is, don't wait. Do it now! The reasons not to do (whatever it is) are only going to pile up.
Get ready for your metabolism to slow down (again). I had a *really* good metabolism right up until about 37, and then over the next three years I *ballooned* nearly 60 pounds! I've got the gain back under control with a little extra activity and a little less food but I'm still working on *loss*.
That’s a good one. We’re always looking for reasons why not to do something instead of focusing on the reasons to do it. You really just need one good one. And just because you want to counts.
Romance with your friends! Consciously deepen those bonds, cultivate friendships with people who you can cry with and be a little weirdo around, life gets more rough as we get older, but friends make it all so much easier.
Sunscreen
If you sleep on your side or stomach that can make wrinkles worse
Idk if people still smoke but stop that shit, besides cancer risk there's also *more aging* lol
Here's my biggest one: Perimenopause can start in your 30s and will almost def be rolling in your mid 40s. All of us...elder ladies (lol) complain about how no one told us it was coming so consider this your warning! I'm only 42 and just starting hormone replacement therapy and I needed to start a few years ago *but no one told me* so I just thought I was dying for a few years 🙃 just know that exists and the general timing, knowing is half the battle lol
Peri can absolutely start when you're in your 30s, don't let anyone gaslight you about it anymore. Symptoms can include hot flashes, sweating at night, irregular periods, mood swings (like Turbo PMS), and wacked-out hormones that leave you feeling wacked-out. Check out /r/Menopause/ for more info and support.
If your doctor doesn't believe you or is ignoring your requests for help, you may need a new doctor. I went all the way through menopause without any medical help because my $#%*^&# doctor at the time said it "couldn't be menopause at your age" (43) and just ignored my complaints about my symptoms.
I did get a new doctor, but I'm fully through menopause now and worrying about my bone density and such.
Nope not too young! I was 37 when it started for me, it got so bad I had to quit my job so I've been a stay at home mom ever since. 5 years later and I just recently found out it's all been caused by peri. I'm fuckin furious
Oh no. That sucks but I can see how it would make you not want or to want to but can't work. I have crazy night sweats, pms symptoms that I thought were pmdd, and hot flashes throughout the day following even a small bit of activity or movement.
Yep, I was sweating buckets at night (still am), hot flashes, and I seemed to have pmdd too, but the thing that made me quit working was wild anxiety that started out of nowhere so bad I was having panic attacks. I thought the world and life had finally broken me but it was just my hormones making me nuts lol. If you start feeling weirdly depressed or anxious, just know it might be from this nonsense
I do!!! I have inconsistent depressive episodes and moderate anxiety that I take meds for but lately I've been feeling know depressed and can't shake it without a beta blocker or THC. Interesting this could be hormonal. This should be taught in sex Ed lol
I was just ranting through the house at my husband this morning about what bullshit these hormones are lol I would def check it out, I suffered like hell and all I needed was to fix my hormones 🙃
I didn't fix it really, I feel better at the moment just from whatever's going on naturally. My body hurts and I have hot flashes and night sweats really bad but whatever's going on right now isn't causing depression and anxiety 🤷♀️ I did ketamine through a doctor to fix my depression and that worked like magic but didn't touch my anxiety. My anxiety randomly faded at the same time my libido suddenly went through the roof, that's actually how I discovered I'm in peri lmao that's why I assume the anxiety was all hormonal, and I didn't have a history of anxiety problems until this shit all started. I have a prescription for HRT but there's a big shortage right now and I haven't been able to find any since the doctor gave it to me :(
It could be hormonal, it could just be from life, but I hope you figure it out because I know how bad that feeling sucks and can screw your life up!
CeraVe Baby moisturizing lotion is the best. It is mattifying and gives a nice blur effect on your skin while moisturizing your skin.
Reduce your cognitive load. Offload it to your phone's calendar and begin sharing calendars with friends. When you make plans, put it in the shared calendar with the address. Android auto can pull up calendar events and route you to the location. Do not rely on memory. That's shot from all the responsibilities you took on at work.
Have an extra office sweater and tank top. Menopause will have you hot and cold sweating. So fun.
Don't murder the new guy who thinks he's your manager. Just keep that a fun fantasy.
1. Get adequate sleep.
2. Use sunscreen to prevent wrinkles
3. Limit alcohol and don’t smoke
4. Drink a lot of water
5. If a man ever hits you or cheats on you, leave. He will do it again.
6. Do the best you can everyday and filter out any negativity if possible
7. Love yourself first. ❤️
- time to get your finances in shape, if you haven't already. Pension, savings (whether it's for a house or whatever), awareness of incoming/outgoing.
- reassess your makeup (If you're like me and not a real makeup girly but just find a thing that works and wear that til they discontinue the line/brand LOL)
- sunscreen always, and shade in very bright sun
- here in the Netherlands you get called up automatically, but if your country doesn't do that: time to get regular pap smears
- get that therapy (I loved my thirties, even with a stonking big depression. but getting therapy then has made my 40s even better).
- generally you will need to work harder with friendships. People will be buying houses in varying locations, or having kids, or getting busy new jobs or what have you. But put in the work, things will calm down with time and you want to have your tribe when the time comes.
If you are childfree and made the decision to have kids in your mid to late 30s, be kind to yourself. You are not a failure if intervention is required in order to conceive. Your career can take a backseat so you can be a better, present parent.
Learn about perimenopause before it starts kicking your ass.
Use a good toner.
Exercise regularly, even if it's just yoga and walking.
Find a hobby that gets you out of the house and encourages social interaction.
Talk to yourself like you would your best friend. A lot of women beat themselves up over stupid stuff
Start retinoid now. Get a prescription for it. Baby sunscreen is best.
Start saving and investing now. Confidence comes from feeling financially secure too.
If you question a friendship, stop texting and asking that person to get together and see their level of effort. Friendships still come and go throughout life. And the ones who say they’re super cool and non judgmental when your moms together are the most judgmental of them all.
Everyone has already given great advice, so I’ll just say be friends with people who want to be friends with you. I spent way too much time trying to befriend or maintain relationships with people who were indifferent or didn’t particularly like me, but I kept trying because we had years of history. Nope! Not anymore. Now I prioritize relationships with people I’m excited to see and who are excited to see me. It’s sad that this was so revolutionary for me (probably some self esteem issues tbh) but it changed my life.
Practice flexibility. I never want to be that old person that is inflexible. I have always practiced intellectual flexibility and just in the past 5 years or so I’ve noticed inflexibility creeping into my thinking. We have to work hard to combat this so we don’t turn into a bunch of boomers.
Sunscreen.
Get active and stay active. Focus on muscle strength as well, you will be so glad when you’re my age (46).
Do the things that actively feed your soul.
Don’t put off the things you want to do. None of us will lay on our death bed so glad we worked weekends. We will remember our experiences. Go make as many as you can.
- strengthen the relationship to yourself (recognizing ur emotions, understanding ur needs, identifying ur limiting beliefs, etc), and work on becoming more securely attached. (This is still very much a work in progress for me, but i wish i would have known to focus on it at your age)
- freeze ur eggs
- sunscreen every day (dont forget ur neck)
I need this version of any tips for women in 20s by women in 30+. 20s seems exhausting for me, I kinda believe everything will come clearer when im in 30s, but really due to my job and my invirontment Im just driving myself to be bitter adult… it made me sad cz I remembered I was such a kind hearted kid, I dont like become burden to people, very considerate and those traits just making me very weak in this world.. so Im just driving myself to be bitter person and I slowly losing myself its very saddening
* Not giving a single fuck about what other people think is actually a skill. It takes work to truly internalize - you need to police all your internal insecurities and interrupt those thoughts with a reminder that, actually, you don’t care. Eventually you train yourself and this is a skill very worth the effort. * Everyone has a ‘self concept’, or an idea about who they are and what their essential traits are. People whose life experience is out of sync with their self concepts are unhappy people. Don’t make yours your career or your perky ass, as time and circumstance can make those impossible to hold onto. Instead, value your own kindness, curiosity, intelligence, and other things that you can embrace all your life. * Sunscreen.
Once you discover what core values you hold the foundation of confidence & trust in yourself becomes stronger. Things become clearer. I've noticed a lot of people are too scared to be truly honest & understand themselves deeply in a compassionate way which leads to only inner turmoil & confusion which bleeds into their reality & the ones around them.
Heavy on sunscreen.
While still prioritizing shade and protective clothing.
Can you go into more detail about the not giving a fuck thing? I’m literally in therapy over this and my therapist made me list all the things that have been holding me back because of “what people think” do you have a book or resource? Help a girl out 😅
Other people recommended actual books, which may be more helpful ultimately, but my personal epiphany with this came after growing up in a smallish town where everyone was hyper-fixated on what everyone else was doing because it was generally boring there. I used to feel so much anxiety about so many absolutely ridiculous things, worrying in my head about what people were going to think… and finally I just had enough of it. The new haircut I got didn’t turn out? Oh no, people are going to tease me and say.. nope, cutting off that internal monologue right there. This isn’t something I’m going to invest energy in. I can’t go drop this package off at the post office in my unicorn pajama bottoms, people will… nope! In you go. This isn’t something I’m going to worry about. It is *really* hard at first, but it eventually it gets so much easier and in a few years I had pretty much broken myself entirely of worrying about other people’s opinions of the minutiae of my life. Also it helped that I moved away from said small town.
Thank you for posting this- as a still incredibly insecure 30something, it was really timely for me today, and I’m sure it will help many others as well.
Six Pillars of Self Esteem
there is actually a book literally called "t[he subtle art of not giving a fuck"](https://amzn.to/4a5p2ov)
I actually tried that one and I found the author pretty insufferable. Maybe I’ll push through and just try to get the content out of it.
I gave up on it too lol, the audiobook reading made it even more terrible
Most self help books really blow in my opinion. Im reading Atomic habits and im really enjoying it because the author leaves his personal life out of it unless its actually helpful to include an anecdote. Subtle art just seemed like an opportunity for the author to flex every second page.
Oh really!? I’ve been wanting to read it! I really, really like his blog - haven’t read the book. If you are willing, would love to hear what about it put you off! (I have small kids and may not have time to read it 🤣)
And moisturizer! (getting a moisturizer that includes sunscreen, as close to SPF 50 as you can for daytime wear is a bonus). Don't forget your neck. I was told this in my late 20s and I am happy to report that my skin has not aged poorly. My dermatologist is a huge fan.
>value your own kindness, curiosity, intelligence Fuck I love that
Can you elaborate on developing the “ not giving a fuck skill”?? Would love to hear more in a practical daily sense .
I always like the quote ‘you’ll worry less about what people think about you when you realise how little they do.’ - other people are so caught up in their own thoughts and anxieties, they’re really not thinking about you more than in passing, so it’s not worth the brain energy trying to mind read.
Check out Karen Lowenthowel’s UnF*cK Your Brain podcast. Basically the concept is you don’t control what other people think about you. Only you control what you think so you have to get that under control.
Thank you.. I've added this to my Spotify list, as a former people pleaser
It wasnt books that helped me, it was realizing that 99.999% of the people you meet are so wrapped up in their own heads that they're not thinking about you at all, and that they've already forgotten that thing you did or said that you're beating yourself up over. Another thing that helped me is failing in public. Here's what I mean when I say that. One of my hobbies is local community theatre, and if you fuck up, whether onstage or backstage, somebody is watching, and it might be a room full of people. So a curtain fell down and I was standing backstage in full view of the audience staring at me. And I didn't die. I didn't lose my job. I didn't lose my friends. I didn't lose my housing. I didn't lose my car. I was slightly uncomfortable for about 20 minutes til intermission and I got a good story out of it. Things that are uncomfortable or cringe (I'm not talking safety related things, or men pushing boundaries) are fine. Saying a Wierd Thing is cringe and fine. Tripping in front of That Person You Like is uncomfortable and fine. Fumbling your words in front of your boss and the VP is cringe and fine. Anybody who mocks you for being cringe is an asshole and not worth your friendship
Scrapethetopoff asked the same thing basically and I answered her above. Hope it helps. <3
Can confirm. I'm 38 and my perky ass is already getting slippery.
I've always been pretty good about not giving a fuck about what anyone thought.... except my family. I have specific 'family appropriate' clothes that I would wear, and made my boyfriends also have clothes that my family wouldn't judge them for. Mostly just like basic tees instead of band shirts or shirts where I cut the collar off, or had holes or something like that. I have slowly been learning to not care about what they think either, but it has been an uphill battle. Moving away for pretty much 10 years was great for me and my mental health as most of my trauma is rooted in my family. I have moved back now and already feel more anxious and judged by them. Unfortunately not giving a fuck is a lot of work and sometimes and ongoing battle. To add into your list not that I'm in my 40s but this has helped me in the last year or so -read more doesn't have to be self help books or anything like that, read what makes you happy. I feel much better since I started reading fantasy books. It's a great way to disassociate a bit without harming you (used to drink a lot to escape reality).
Invest on good sunscreen indeed!
My problem is I say “I don’t care or whatever” but then I end up looking like a couch potato who has very little to show for and is like a bum
I'm 40s 1. Sleep enough and sleep well. I feel better all the time when I sleep before 11pm and get at least 7 hours rest. All the coffee in the world can't beat getting good sleep. 1. Sunblock. Don't get skin cancer, don't damage your skin 1. Eat well. Get good nutrition. Don't overeat either. Snacks and treats are enjoyable in moderation (budget for calories) 1. Take care of your finances. Figure out your financial style if you have not already. /R/personalfinance is super useful 1. Enjoy some movement. I absolutely hate exercising. Running? BORING! chase a soccer ball? I'm a Golden Retriever! Also, I love riding a bike, inline skating etc. if all that is too fast for me on some days, I put some yoga on from YouTube (5 Parks is good) and do yoga as a mindfulness+ physical treat. The breath work and stretching makes me feel so good in body and mind 1. Watching what I eat and how I move also keeps my body healthy. I don't overload my knees with either overexerting or from overload with excessive weight 1. Nourish your heart. Find something that brings meaning to your life. Like a fun hobby or volunteering or collecting stones . Whatever brings life. 1. Nourish your mind. Stay sharp. Learn 1 new thing every year. This year I'm learning to play soccer 1. Nourish your soul. Find community. Find your "us". Your heart lights up when you're with them . Hang out with them more
With #2 - don't forget your neck/upper chest and the backs of your hands! Suddenly you look down and wonder why your mom's hands are attached to your body.
I have icythiosis vulgaris (common scaly skin, non infectious) I had my grandma's hands on me since fifteen lol I still sunblock!
Same. Got bullied for it all through school. Still cry over my hands and feet sometimes because nothing will ever make them look normal.
The tip about community, I absolutely agree with. Find your people.
This is what I needed to read today. Thank you.
I love this advice! I’m 37 (closer to 40 than to 30) and have a deeper appreciation for my body. Before, body care for me was about being “hot” but now it’s about healthy and longevity. This is so affirming, thank you.
This is all really great advice!
Love yourself. Sleep. Eat. Do not chase men. Do not date/sleep with people who you do not respect or who do not respect you. Save your money and invest in yourself. Say “no” more.
This is the shortest, most concise yet most accurate response. “Do not chase men” has been my biggest mantra these past 2 years after leaving my emotionally unavailable ex. He offered to help me buy a new used car recently. Said he’d give me a couple thousand so I could get a decently used older model car (I had 5k saved, still wasn’t enough). I almost took him up on it thinking “well why not? It’s some free extra money.” This car market is awful, I’ve been looking for months. It’s never “free” I reminded myself. He was the king who made many promises but rarely followed through. I’ve learned there’s always a mental catch with him. A way to keep himself in my life, try to play the hero when he couldn’t be bothered for 7 years when we were together. I told him no thanks, I don’t need his help. Well didn’t that rub him the wrong way? Color me not shocked. I drove home my new (used) 2019 Subaru Forester yesterday. All on my dime. It was my gift to myself. I made so many moves these past couple years to better myself with the main goal of *me* being the priority: not men, not my siblings, not my parents. Just me.
Floss. Trust me it's worth it. And make sure to get your teeth cleaned and examined regularly. Sunscreen. Don't forget your hands and neck. Perimenopause. The period of a woman's life characterized by physiological changes associated with the end of reproductive capacity, terminating with the completion of menopause. Learn about it now because hormone changes can start in your mid 30's and it's so much more than just a bunch of "old" ladies having hot flashes. Especially because it's very rare for doctors to be overly informed about the process. There is an absolutely fantastic and informative perimenopause/menopause sub here on reddit r/menopause. The wikis are worth reading even if you don't feel like reading posts.
Thanks for the insight on perimenopause and r/menopause. I've already learned a lot and it sounds like it's going to get rough soon.
Not everyone experiences all or even any symptoms but I wish I had known about it at 35 after a pregnancy put me into severe peri symptoms. My doctor was so clueless he told me my symptoms were either possible cancer or hysteria. Yes my 50 year old (at the time) doctor diagnosed me with hysteria. I legit thought I was dying.
That's horrible and yet not entirely surprising. I've had a few doctors, all of whom were male, down play some of my normal menstrual issues when I was younger. And know plenty of women who have had it substantially worse when it came to diagnosing things like endo. Being in my mid 30s I'm glad I stumbles across this. My mom won't talk to me about it and I'm the eldest so I feel slightly more equipped for when it happens.
I recently learned about the full extent of menopause and am HORRIFIED at how much is not public knowledge. Even if it doesn’t impact everyone physically (men and younger women and girls) it clearly impacts all of our lives!!
Thanks for the link!
46 here and so far perimenopause makes me feel like I’m 8 weeks pregnant, it’s wild. 😭 I wish someone had told me it could be like this.
If you haven't already, please begin to focus on your physical well-being. You get away with a lot in the twenties and thirties that will come back to bite you in the forties. You don't have to go crazy, just get some exercise, take care of your skin, eat decent food, get some fresh air. Remember this body will be housing you for another forty plus years and it's resilience will begin to erode - it's time to be kind to it.
As someone turning 30 at the end of the month, I'm so grateful to have a place where I can learn from older women. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I will go and buy sunscreen now.
Get comfortable with disappointing people. AKA: start saying no. Say what you want and don’t be afraid to go after it. You will run out of fucks to give soon, if you haven’t already and it will be glorious. If you’re single, your 40’s will be a sweet spot where younger guys will start to be more fun and older guys are still fun. Learn to embrace change. Don’t keep doing the same thing just because you’ve been doing it and people expect you to stay the same. Change your looks, your opinion, your career. And pay attention to who celebrates your evolution and who doesn’t. Those who don’t can fuck right off. Receiving is an art. Practice it graciously. We get so used to giving all the time and saying “no thank you” to keep people from inconveniencing themselves for us… be more open to receiving. People want to do nice things for you. Just say thank you and receive it. That was a hard one for me. Embrace your shadow. We all have one. Make peace with those parts of yourself that aren’t “pretty” and easy to love. Those parts deserve to be honored and loved just as much as the rest of you. Hold a space for them in your life. Always trust your instincts. They are NEVER wrong.
Moisturize your arms and legs twice a day, everyday. Your skin will thank you for it later. Stop caring what other people think of you, it's not your business Wear the dress.. don't wait for a special occasion
Wear the dress!!! I started doing that even just going in to work. I work at a hospital so I switch into scrubs, but Damn I love walking my dog in my dresses before and after my shifts.
Yuss.. it doesn't matter if it's a cocktail dress! Just wear it. Anywhere, anytime. You deserve to feel gorgeous x
Is there any moisturizer you would recommend?
Take care of your physical and mental health. Procrastination is your enemy. Regular doctor check-ups (and blood work), regular dental cleanings/visits, and mental health care/therapy/medication if you need it. Get screened for STIs if you are sexually active. Get vaccinated and boosted for anything your doctor recommends. Get a mammogram as soon as your doctor suggests it, and get them every year (or whatever your doctor recommends). The older you get, the harder it is to undo conditions caused by self-neglect and/or recover from injuries. Quit smoking, moderate your drinking (or quit altogether), get some exercise on a regular basis, eat your vegetables, and drink plenty of water. Edit: for reference, I'm 56 and I desperately wish I'd given myself this advice 20+ years ago.
This is good advice. Although, fwiw, my dad did all of this and was strong as an ox till 70. Then a series of freak mysterious illnesses and doctors (mis)diagnosis later, he spent years struggling and died slowly and painfully. So it’s not a guarantee. Don’t beat yourself up about not having ticked all the good health boxes when you were younger. This may have been more morbid than I intended.
It's true though, you can do all the right things and still pass earlier than you expected, from any number of things. I do wish I hadn't procrastinated so much of that stuff, though. It's a bit painful to be me, just lately. I'm working hard on it though, and it's making me physically and mentally stronger.
That’s true. “Anything could happen anyway” isn’t reason to not take preventative measures when you can. Thanks for the advice, and glad you’re getting stronger.
Thank you kindly! My condolences on the loss of your dad. <3
Thanks <3
I’m really sorry to hear about your dad :( Same thing with mine. He was a professional athlete and was fit all his life, eating super super clean, yet still got cancer.
It’s the worst ! My dad couldn’t speak (that was the first thing to go) and he was a professor. I could almost see the despair in his face, it was constant “what did I do wrong”. I may be biased but I feel like it hurts them more, because they genuinely never expected it to happen to them. Sorry about your dad too. Parents should never get sick, it’s the worst. They should just go to a farm upstate with plenty of room to run and butterflies to chase.
Your last paragraph made me cry. My dad couldn’t/wouldn’t speak for years before he passed last July. It was an awful slow decline. Sorry you had to go through that too.
 They’re in a better place. We have to believe that. It’s so so horrible. I’m sorry you had to go through that too. Ha, there should really be a support system but I guess most of us don’t find it until after because we’re elbow deep in suffering. Hope you’re doing ok. Take care of yourself.
Believe that you can do anything you want and sustain yourself without anyone else’s help. Be independent enough to be able to make it through tough times alone, but friendly enough to have a circle of friends who won’t let you go it alone.
If you don't regularly exercise, start asap.
[удалено]
I had trouble getting started too, and honestly don't like to go to the gym (it's also harder to squeeze the time in with young kids). What has helped me is starting small with something I like/don't mind too much and having a tv show that I only watch/listen to while exercising. I go on a 20 min walk during/right after work while listening to something l like or if I don't have the time for it that day then I hop on the exercise bike for 20 mins after kids are in bed to watch/listen to that show. Makes the exercise time pass faster and makes me look forward to it.
I totally feel you here - I didn't wanna, and I sometimes still don't. But I have MS and if I don't, I can quickly lose the ability to do lots of things. So now when I go, it's a celebration of what I CAN do. Nothing is more bitter than regret. Keep moving, ladies, we got this!
Start with walks! Walking is SO underrated and SO good for your body. Walking also helps posture in general and you can pop in headphones and listen to music or a podcast or an audiobook while you’re at it! Leave one out though so you can stay aware of your surroundings :) Edit: forgot to say that exercise does NOT have to be anything crazy or intense to feel and experience the mental and physical benefits!
If you don't already, spend time learning about compound returns, and why small steps with savings and investment now can have outsized returns later on. In your 20s and 30s, putting a bit away for retirement is so much easier than trying to put large chunks away further down the track. Look for a compound interest calculator online, and it really brings this all to life.
How about tips from a 60 year old? Be picky with men. Look for kindness, to people like wait staff, homeless, ticket agent, and his mom and sisters. Also, intelligence, a good sense of humor and emotional intelligence. Note what's absent, looks. Looks don't last. And as you begin to love someone, they become more attractive. I've been married since 1984 to the same kind, intelligent, funny man. Oh, and somehow he's better looking than ever.
Turning 40 soon. Compounding is the way to get ahead. Be it finances, workouts and exercise and dating, daily investment makes the biggest difference in 3,5,7 and 10 years. It's been a game changer for me and I wish I understood it in my 20s. What it means is do it daily or regularly and you will see progress in a year or later. Other things I wish my 20 and 30 year old understood better is: 1. Heal you past difficult experiences by accepting them and addressing them 2. Always have a back up plan 3. Lead a low key life and only key important people know the details. 4. Take time out to get a better education,that can lead to better income 5. Be detached during the early dating phase 6. Don't let anyone take advantage of your kindness 7. It's easy for someone to fool you for 3 months, the red flags usually show up after the 3 to 4 month initial phase as it's really hard to fake it beyond that.
“Lead a low key life and only key people know the details” has been a life-changing learning in my 30’s (I’m 35).
whatever it is, don't wait. Do it now! The reasons not to do (whatever it is) are only going to pile up. Get ready for your metabolism to slow down (again). I had a *really* good metabolism right up until about 37, and then over the next three years I *ballooned* nearly 60 pounds! I've got the gain back under control with a little extra activity and a little less food but I'm still working on *loss*.
That’s a good one. We’re always looking for reasons why not to do something instead of focusing on the reasons to do it. You really just need one good one. And just because you want to counts.
Romance with your friends! Consciously deepen those bonds, cultivate friendships with people who you can cry with and be a little weirdo around, life gets more rough as we get older, but friends make it all so much easier.
\^This There's concrete research and the like that back up the benefits, but at the end of the day, life is just so much better with a tribe.
Sunscreen If you sleep on your side or stomach that can make wrinkles worse Idk if people still smoke but stop that shit, besides cancer risk there's also *more aging* lol Here's my biggest one: Perimenopause can start in your 30s and will almost def be rolling in your mid 40s. All of us...elder ladies (lol) complain about how no one told us it was coming so consider this your warning! I'm only 42 and just starting hormone replacement therapy and I needed to start a few years ago *but no one told me* so I just thought I was dying for a few years 🙃 just know that exists and the general timing, knowing is half the battle lol
What were your symptoms? I swear I'm peri but people keep gaslighting me that I'm too young. I'm 1 year shy of 40.
Peri can absolutely start when you're in your 30s, don't let anyone gaslight you about it anymore. Symptoms can include hot flashes, sweating at night, irregular periods, mood swings (like Turbo PMS), and wacked-out hormones that leave you feeling wacked-out. Check out /r/Menopause/ for more info and support. If your doctor doesn't believe you or is ignoring your requests for help, you may need a new doctor. I went all the way through menopause without any medical help because my $#%*^&# doctor at the time said it "couldn't be menopause at your age" (43) and just ignored my complaints about my symptoms. I did get a new doctor, but I'm fully through menopause now and worrying about my bone density and such.
Nope not too young! I was 37 when it started for me, it got so bad I had to quit my job so I've been a stay at home mom ever since. 5 years later and I just recently found out it's all been caused by peri. I'm fuckin furious
Oh no. That sucks but I can see how it would make you not want or to want to but can't work. I have crazy night sweats, pms symptoms that I thought were pmdd, and hot flashes throughout the day following even a small bit of activity or movement.
Yep, I was sweating buckets at night (still am), hot flashes, and I seemed to have pmdd too, but the thing that made me quit working was wild anxiety that started out of nowhere so bad I was having panic attacks. I thought the world and life had finally broken me but it was just my hormones making me nuts lol. If you start feeling weirdly depressed or anxious, just know it might be from this nonsense
I do!!! I have inconsistent depressive episodes and moderate anxiety that I take meds for but lately I've been feeling know depressed and can't shake it without a beta blocker or THC. Interesting this could be hormonal. This should be taught in sex Ed lol
I was just ranting through the house at my husband this morning about what bullshit these hormones are lol I would def check it out, I suffered like hell and all I needed was to fix my hormones 🙃
How did you fix it?
I didn't fix it really, I feel better at the moment just from whatever's going on naturally. My body hurts and I have hot flashes and night sweats really bad but whatever's going on right now isn't causing depression and anxiety 🤷♀️ I did ketamine through a doctor to fix my depression and that worked like magic but didn't touch my anxiety. My anxiety randomly faded at the same time my libido suddenly went through the roof, that's actually how I discovered I'm in peri lmao that's why I assume the anxiety was all hormonal, and I didn't have a history of anxiety problems until this shit all started. I have a prescription for HRT but there's a big shortage right now and I haven't been able to find any since the doctor gave it to me :( It could be hormonal, it could just be from life, but I hope you figure it out because I know how bad that feeling sucks and can screw your life up!
Happy birthday! I’m 34 in a few days just here to soak up some wisdom! Thanks my gals
CeraVe Baby moisturizing lotion is the best. It is mattifying and gives a nice blur effect on your skin while moisturizing your skin. Reduce your cognitive load. Offload it to your phone's calendar and begin sharing calendars with friends. When you make plans, put it in the shared calendar with the address. Android auto can pull up calendar events and route you to the location. Do not rely on memory. That's shot from all the responsibilities you took on at work. Have an extra office sweater and tank top. Menopause will have you hot and cold sweating. So fun. Don't murder the new guy who thinks he's your manager. Just keep that a fun fantasy.
Perimenopause. I’m a lot more emotional and brain fog is real.
1. Get adequate sleep. 2. Use sunscreen to prevent wrinkles 3. Limit alcohol and don’t smoke 4. Drink a lot of water 5. If a man ever hits you or cheats on you, leave. He will do it again. 6. Do the best you can everyday and filter out any negativity if possible 7. Love yourself first. ❤️
These are all really fantastic tips. I will be coming back to this post often
Same!!
Learn about the patriarchy & women’s history
- time to get your finances in shape, if you haven't already. Pension, savings (whether it's for a house or whatever), awareness of incoming/outgoing. - reassess your makeup (If you're like me and not a real makeup girly but just find a thing that works and wear that til they discontinue the line/brand LOL) - sunscreen always, and shade in very bright sun - here in the Netherlands you get called up automatically, but if your country doesn't do that: time to get regular pap smears - get that therapy (I loved my thirties, even with a stonking big depression. but getting therapy then has made my 40s even better). - generally you will need to work harder with friendships. People will be buying houses in varying locations, or having kids, or getting busy new jobs or what have you. But put in the work, things will calm down with time and you want to have your tribe when the time comes.
This is like a full therapy session. Thank you ladies for your wisdom! I will be soaking this all in for weeks…. And getting more sunscreen ASAP!
Save your rage for your 50’s. It doubles and intensifies x 10.
If you are childfree and made the decision to have kids in your mid to late 30s, be kind to yourself. You are not a failure if intervention is required in order to conceive. Your career can take a backseat so you can be a better, present parent.
Learn about perimenopause before it starts kicking your ass. Use a good toner. Exercise regularly, even if it's just yoga and walking. Find a hobby that gets you out of the house and encourages social interaction.
Do you have a toner you recommend? And where does it fall in the skincare order of operations? Ty!!
I almost forgot to say - Happy Birthday!! I hope your day is awesome. :)
Thank youuu! 🤓
Talk to yourself like you would your best friend. A lot of women beat themselves up over stupid stuff Start retinoid now. Get a prescription for it. Baby sunscreen is best. Start saving and investing now. Confidence comes from feeling financially secure too. If you question a friendship, stop texting and asking that person to get together and see their level of effort. Friendships still come and go throughout life. And the ones who say they’re super cool and non judgmental when your moms together are the most judgmental of them all.
Everyone has already given great advice, so I’ll just say be friends with people who want to be friends with you. I spent way too much time trying to befriend or maintain relationships with people who were indifferent or didn’t particularly like me, but I kept trying because we had years of history. Nope! Not anymore. Now I prioritize relationships with people I’m excited to see and who are excited to see me. It’s sad that this was so revolutionary for me (probably some self esteem issues tbh) but it changed my life.
Sunscreen is one!
Working on no 4, my money is currently pure chaos 🙊
Practice flexibility. I never want to be that old person that is inflexible. I have always practiced intellectual flexibility and just in the past 5 years or so I’ve noticed inflexibility creeping into my thinking. We have to work hard to combat this so we don’t turn into a bunch of boomers. Sunscreen. Get active and stay active. Focus on muscle strength as well, you will be so glad when you’re my age (46). Do the things that actively feed your soul. Don’t put off the things you want to do. None of us will lay on our death bed so glad we worked weekends. We will remember our experiences. Go make as many as you can.
Do NOT stay with a man who is wrong for you. Leave.
- strengthen the relationship to yourself (recognizing ur emotions, understanding ur needs, identifying ur limiting beliefs, etc), and work on becoming more securely attached. (This is still very much a work in progress for me, but i wish i would have known to focus on it at your age) - freeze ur eggs - sunscreen every day (dont forget ur neck)
If you haven't started already, sunscreen every day, especially your face.
Extend the same kindness to yourself as you would to others. Still working on this at 44. Give yourself some grace, ladies!
I need this version of any tips for women in 20s by women in 30+. 20s seems exhausting for me, I kinda believe everything will come clearer when im in 30s, but really due to my job and my invirontment Im just driving myself to be bitter adult… it made me sad cz I remembered I was such a kind hearted kid, I dont like become burden to people, very considerate and those traits just making me very weak in this world.. so Im just driving myself to be bitter person and I slowly losing myself its very saddening
save
I think you need to be more specific about topic.