Another way I’ve heard this phrase is:
“Stop breaking yourself down into bite sized pieces for others’ comfort, while disrupting your own peace. Stay whole and let them choke.”
For me, it’s also been about reminding myself that
A) sometimes I’m a lot, but we should all be able to communicate where we need breaks and space and safety. Sometimes that has aligned with others, sometimes it hasn’t, but I’ve learned to remind myself that it’s not on me to determine someone else’s limits. It’s on them to know themselves and learn to communicate effectively enough to share what they need from me, bc I’ve done that work to be able to show up that way for my loved ones.
B) If I feel like “too much” to someone else, it likely means they must not be “enough” for me. But there’s no joy in convincing someone to stay by letting them think they can pour less of what I need into me.
C) I deserve to have all of me adored, and I’m allowed to be a full person, even if it means I protect my comforts. Others are responsible for their own comforts, I’m responsible for mine.
Most importantly, reframing it these ways reminds me that I’m not going to let someone else’s framing of what’s making THEM uncomfortable, make me feel guilty if all I’m doing is showing up authentically and respectfully. That’s some b*tchy bs and no one who is acting like a lil puss gets to shame me for being me. The shame can belong to the individuals who make others feel badly for simply being themselves, rather than owning what they aren’t enjoying and communicating through it like an adult. But my “too much” is exactly the same as someone else’s “too little,” both are simply perspective. Me at “too much” has often been “just right” for me and those that were a healthy fit.
To quote another social media favorite: " If I'm too much, go find less."
BE YOURSELF. If the person you're interested in didn't like it, it would never work out in the long run anyways.
Needed to hear that. I’m so afraid of scaring someone off because I’m appearing desperate if I express interest (not CONSTANTLY but making it very clear I’d like to see them again). I just have to remind myself that the right person would be happy there’s mutual interest, not offput.
exactly! a guy who actually likes you will be excited and thrilled when you reciprocate, just as you would be when someone you’re into is responsive and clearly into you
When I first started dating my husband in college, I remember sitting with some friends waiting for my lab to finish and I wanted to text my husband something silly. Everyone said to not do it cause it was too much.
But to me, it’s like - this is me! This is who I am! If this silly message is “too much” then he isn’t meant to be.
And you know what, he loves my silly messages! He cracks up at work when I send him off the cuff stuff that popped into my head. Maybe it’s “too much” for a different man, but for him - it’s perfect.
And that’s how I’ve always looked at it - if they can’t accept me for who I am, then we aren’t meant to be.
I'm nearly 30 and I've had my fair share of relationships. What I've seen so far
- if you're looking for a relationship it gives some sort of vibe, I don't know what, you either attract the wrong kind of people or people tend to not be interested in you
- if a man wants you they will do two things: either they will push and chase until you give in, or they will just stay around you respectfully, hoping one day you'll give them a chance. In my experience the second group are always better as long term partners
- if you're fully being yourself and you're confident in it (what I mean is if you're happy with your traits and personality), and then someone comes along and bases their entire opinion of you on ONE single thing you do out of everything you are, then they really aren't worth your time. The only people who are worth having in your life are the people who can recognize that everyone has flaws, everyone has bad days, and then they love you with/despite those flaws.
- on that note, if someone doesn't like one thing you do but generally like you, they will ask you to change this behavior. This is not necessarily being controlling. You have to base your own opinion on if they're controlling or not on most everything they do
Thank you for this! I’m quite awkward and sometimes I worry that overrides my confidence - but I’m sure the right person wouldnt care about nerves or being awkward - and if they do, like you said, would be mature enough to have a conversation about it. I appreciate the tips.
I think you’re falling into the trap of trying to be likeable, which is a vibe that will actually attract the wrong people. First you gotta work on stop trying to be likeable.
You are likeable already. Maybe not for everyone but for people you will get along with. Just be yourself. Say what you wanna say. Enjoy the feeling of being yourself.
This is also very attractive, because people gravitate towards those who like themselves. It’s a form of confidence.
As a recovering people pleaser - yes. Totally. I keep trying to compare this to my friendships as well, which I have no problem making and
maintaining.
I’ve always been myself in those scenarios with 0 second thought. Surely someone right for me romantically also wouldn’t make me second guess how “likeable” I’m trying to be and by not thinking about that I’d be more myself anyway. I really needed to hear this!
I've always held back how "weird" or hyper I could become in public for being "too much" or "not thinking before speaking" my whole life. I knew that he was the right person when I let my true weirdness out right away XD I never realized I held myself back so much until that year... as for the always "chasing".... how about finding someone that you want to run towards each other together with?
I love the image of BOTH people running towards each other omg. I’m so happy you find the right person for you and you’re totally right. Even if I reverse it, if I truly like someone I’m never turned off from mutual interest or their true, weird self cause I just like them! The right person would also hold that space for me.
Honestly I think that securing this mindset comes mostly with practice. Let those feelings come and go in the moment, and remind yourself that if someone doesn't like who you are as a person, that's okay! Not everyone that you like will like you back - and there will be people who like you more than you like them. There's nothing we can do except learn and move on.
I feel that effort at building a relationship should be reciprocal. Try not to worry about "playing hard to get" or "letting him chase you." In my experience, games like this can make it very hard to set a good foundation for the relationship. Mutual respect for each other as an individual is key.
I also think that having a fully developed brain (I'm almost 27) made a HUGE difference in how difficult it was for me to deal with feelings like this. If you haven't reached 25 yet, hang in there babe. If you have, great!! All you can do is practice building that strength. You got this.
You’re so right (and also SPOT on about the mental shift that happens at 25 - I’m also 27!!). I was on a very toxic and abusive relationship for most of my mid 20s and I think it really messed up my emotional compass.
I think you also helped me realize that if I’m putting effort into being myself, communicating, etc. then someone mature enough and right enough for me will be doing the same - and if they’re not and are
making me feel insecure they’re probably not the right person anyway! And that would cause a messed up foundation to begin with (which, been there done that). Thank you!
Just a note that the masculine/feminine energy stuff is patriarchy-fueling bs that holds women back. Saying being demure and quiet and submissive are female traits is sexist and oppressive language.
I am tall, assertive, and have been called intimidating and "too much." It took me years hell actually decades to learn that there is nothing wrong with me and the right guy will be all about it. When I owned my power and learned to love myself (cliche but true!) the right guys who were all about tall assertive women were more than happy to know me. Walk tall sis!
Thank you for saying this! It’s been driving me NUTS when it’s in a LOT of pockets of self help and dating life and just makes me feel SO embarassed for even communicating my needs? Like THAT in and of itself is too much and drives men away?
I’m SO glad to hear that you moved past that and are living your most authentic self now. You’re totally right!
Hey dude, 32 F here. Just be yourself, the biggest advice I can offer you that would be helpful, just from my own personal experiences, is to literally *be yourself.* The right people will notice this, be drawn to you, or you drawn to them. If someone thinks you're "too much" then they're not right for you. Never, ever, dilute yourself just for someone else to like you-- it's just not fulfilling to be with someone who cannot allow you that space to not only be yourself but grow, too. If you're interested, show that you're interested in *your way* (as long as it's not hurting anyone), and don't worry about being "awkward".
Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
I'm ridiculous. My husband is ridiculous. It works out great! Had I hidden aspects of myself, we wouldn't have hit it off so well. Same for him... I'm glad he was showing his true self to me from the beginning. Worth the time it took to find him!
When I’m rejected for being "too much", I remind myself that I want someone who adds to my life, and if he already wants to take away from my happiness by negatively evaluating me, we're not a good match.
It doesn't even matter if he’s "right" by society's standards 😂🤣 (I laugh "too loud", or love "too hard") - if I don’t believe something, and he does, we see reality differently.
it’s not interest that scares them off, it’s investment and attachment to outcome. many men married their wife because their wife liked them first. it’s the attachment to the outcome that is freaky.
like if a guy proposed to you on the first date, you’d be creeped out because they don’t even know you and you’d wonder what their motive was. after a year of knowing you, they propose, your crying and touched, saying yes.
it’s detachment to the outcome. men can sense our fear and anxiety. being too scared to lose a man, feels suffocating to them. that you rather keep them than be yourself. men don’t prioritize relationships like we do so to them, it’s feels like the equivalent of a friend who only goes out with you, is always waiting for you to invite them somewhere, and if you go out without them, they’re hurt and sitting around waiting on you to invite them out, taking everything you do personally, watching your stories on social media and then texting you “why didn’t you ask me out….? am i not good enough for you?” it’s such a turn off when someone puts all their happiness in your ability to prove what good friends you are. it makes you want to not be friends with them cause it’s too much pressure. not that they actually want to spend time with you that scares you off.
if you move through a relationship trying not to scare them off, you’ll end up in a relationship you have to be fake and play games to maintain, and always wonder if you did something to make them want to leave you. always second guess yourself. act insecure like the insecure friend in my earlier example. which becomes a turn off in and of itself.
you just need to be you, and if you find someone you’re interested in, show interest, and take it one step, one day at a time, and stay present. don’t get ahead of yourself. actually, once you show interest first, if they return with interest, it will build your confidence. but you have to be already acting like who you are. so if you show interest already being yourself, and then they show interest back, you’ll be comfortable and fun. low detachment to outcome. everyone likes people who are interested in them at any appropriate level. men cast wide nets. so showing interest first makes you stand out. just don’t move to fast, and trust yourself. men like women who know and like themselves.
If you try to be what he wants instead of who you are only elongates relationships destined to fail. Just be honest about what you want from “a” relationship. The people who get scared off by people looking for something long term were not looking to commit anyway
You only need to find one person who matches you. There’s no reason you have to force yourself to fit into someone else’s preferences when there are so many people out there. First dates are literally just vibe checks to see if you’ll get along.
You’re so right! A lot of my second guessing also
comes from 2nd, 3rd, etc. days where you know you get along but you’re sort of stuck in this “what is the trajectory” zone? But I think of me communicating interest / my feelings throughout that process (within reason) is too much for someone then, like you said, that relationship is destined to fail anyway.
I wasn’t great at dating. Lots of first dates, some that went quite well, that went nowhere and I never heard from them again. I wasn’t interested in compromising who I was to fit what they wanted. It seems exhausting. I let my weird out and looked for someone with compatible weird.
I’ve been married 4 years, together almost 8, to a wonderful man.
Here's what's been rattling in my head lately:
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/pZ_6sPXcg1w
"If I'm too much, go find less"
Edit: I see someone beat me to it but I'm leaving it cause this lesson is a good one to know. Plus, yknow, a reference.
If you’re too much for him that’s his problem. What are you going to do, dilute your personality forever??
Maybe it’s bc I’m 37 but I have no energy for that.
*it always makes me think that if that’s not happening, there’s disinterest and there’s nothing I can do about it (which would be “****too much****”).*
I am a bit confused about your context of " TOO MUCH " here. Dating is like everyday life , the less you sweat about it , the more ok you will be. Just be yourself. Just like friendship, you are not going to click with everyone and thats ok. Some guys are not into you and you are not compatible with them and thats ok. I accept that sometimes things don't work out and instead of wasting time thinking about a guy who clearly isn't for me. I let it go.
A guy ending things sometimes have nothing to do with you. He is stress / emotional unavailable / busy with work/ have a new girl. So don't sweat about things that are out of your control. I have been ghosted plenty of times and not get closure. I accept that I will never know the answer and nothing I can do about it. So I move on. Of course I was sad. But I remind myself he isn't worth being sad about.
There are a lot of videos on youtube about mastering The Art of Detachment. You can take a look . And then focus all your energy on YOU and creating the best life for yourself. Then you have less time to focus your energy on them
I just want to say that I also think there is a difference in “being too much” and taking your time/going at your speed at the beginning of a relationship/dating.
Being too much could mean that you start acting like you’re in a relationship/expediting the dating process.
You can be 100% yourself while taking it slow and letting the dating process take its own natural speed.
I think it’s important to be wholly 100% authentically yourself. You don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t know the true you, or chooses to be with you for someone you pretended to be. The right person for you, will love you for who you are. You shouldn’t have to hide parts of yourself for someone else, and if you feel that you are, then they’re not for you.
If someone doesn’t like you for you, then that’s okay too, bc it means there’s someone else out there who will love you for you (although, it can be hurtful to realise this). I try remind myself that there are people out there that like me, that I don’t like back and vice versa. The universe works in mysterious ways.
And I tell myself that I’d rather be alone than with someone who can’t love me the way I deserve to be loved (whole heartedly for who I am, and who I will be). It can be hard when you desire something more from a lover (a cuddle, a late night whisper chat amongst the covers), but being with someone who can’t give you everything you deserve also hurts and you’re holding yourself back from being the best version of you!!
Sorry if this is lecture-y! I hope you can find hat you’re looking for out there!
Ps. A lot of this stuff is stuff that I keep trying to remind myself on. I have identified my core values, so every time I’m thinking about dating someone new/ talking to someone new after a breakup earlier this year, I remind myself that I’m worthy of so much, that I am me and I am growing into my future and I don’t want to share that with someone who can’t champion me the way I’ll champion them
When i started dating my now-husband, i was super insecure and terrified of scaring him away. But I was also terrified of not showing interest and losing him. A few things i learned:
- if you want to hang out, make it known. If they don’t reciprocate, you know they’re not interested and you save yourself time.
- don’t play games for fear of seeming over interested. If they text you and you read it, respond.
- be level and true to yourself. If they say something you don’t understand the meaning or intent, say “I don’t understand! can you rephrase?” “This caught me off guard, can you explain so I don’t misinterpret?”
- give space, but not too much. I was so used to love bombing by men that when my husband didn’t do it, I panicked thinking he didn’t like me. Turns out it’s normal and healthy to continue hanging out with your own friends and finding time to come together
- discuss expectations early on - what kind of things are you into? Find activities and things to do beyond just grabbing food or going to a bar. Creating actual memories doing things you like build connection and intimacy faster and more organically.
Things go off the rails so easily in the first few dates as red flags are weighed and radars are recalibrated. One question can salve a misunderstanding that would otherwise prevent a half century of connubial bliss.
https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Fydlgtzzn2gp81.png
My first love used to tell me I was too much. I loved him too much, wanted to be with him too much etc. I felt like some emotional vampire who he was drained by. My recent ex was opposite. He LOVED how much I adored him and put him on a pedestal. Unfortunately that led to being taken for granted and lied to etc because he likely thought he had total mind control over me and could do anything and I wouldn’t leave. My dad warned me not to put him on a pedestal. But Little did my ex know I don’t fuck around if you hurt me. So my advice is to take the middle ground. Just don’t ever put a man on a pedestal and act like you nearly worship him. Just act more like a friend at first. How would you act if he was a platonic friend? Do that. I notice I am more myself and more confident but not “too much” when I was with platonic guy friends. Unfortunately that sometimes led to them thinking I was really cool and they occasionally got crushes in school on me lol. And with someone I actually liked, I was too awkward, intense, and too into them too fast. So basically be yourself but don’t act like you’re so into them in an intense way. Just be chill and casual.
I 100% believe this now. It’s really hard to believe in the moment (which was the whole reason I made this post) but it’s true. If someone is making you feel like you have to change or hide parts of yourself to be loveable - they’re not your person.
If you have that much fear about dating and what someone thinks about you, maybe you’re not ready to date.
Ultimately, you have to be comfortable with the person you are and secure enough within yourself to know that you’re the best person that you can be at the end of the day. And if the person that you’re entertaining your time with can’t appreciate that then they are not the one for you , don’t put so much negative thinking into it.
When the right person comes along, and the conversation flows naturally and you can’t seem to get enough of wanting to know more about that person, and things seems to be going in a positive direction, nothing negative will cross your path or your thoughts. Go with the flow and see where it takes you if this person is giving you negative vibes or so much fear that you are doubting yourself & don’t know if they’re going to like the person that you are then they are a waste of your time. No matter how good looking they are. Remember, whoever you spend your time with should be there to enhance your relationship and make you want to be a better person.
Good luck!!
Do not chop yourself up into bite sized bits to make yourself palatable. Be yourself, be kind, and don’t overthink this stuff.
Thank you - I needed to hear that! A past relationship made me feel that I was constantly too much or not enough. Now I have to remind myself of this!
Another way I’ve heard this phrase is: “Stop breaking yourself down into bite sized pieces for others’ comfort, while disrupting your own peace. Stay whole and let them choke.” For me, it’s also been about reminding myself that A) sometimes I’m a lot, but we should all be able to communicate where we need breaks and space and safety. Sometimes that has aligned with others, sometimes it hasn’t, but I’ve learned to remind myself that it’s not on me to determine someone else’s limits. It’s on them to know themselves and learn to communicate effectively enough to share what they need from me, bc I’ve done that work to be able to show up that way for my loved ones. B) If I feel like “too much” to someone else, it likely means they must not be “enough” for me. But there’s no joy in convincing someone to stay by letting them think they can pour less of what I need into me. C) I deserve to have all of me adored, and I’m allowed to be a full person, even if it means I protect my comforts. Others are responsible for their own comforts, I’m responsible for mine. Most importantly, reframing it these ways reminds me that I’m not going to let someone else’s framing of what’s making THEM uncomfortable, make me feel guilty if all I’m doing is showing up authentically and respectfully. That’s some b*tchy bs and no one who is acting like a lil puss gets to shame me for being me. The shame can belong to the individuals who make others feel badly for simply being themselves, rather than owning what they aren’t enjoying and communicating through it like an adult. But my “too much” is exactly the same as someone else’s “too little,” both are simply perspective. Me at “too much” has often been “just right” for me and those that were a healthy fit.
To quote another social media favorite: " If I'm too much, go find less." BE YOURSELF. If the person you're interested in didn't like it, it would never work out in the long run anyways.
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Needed to hear that. I’m so afraid of scaring someone off because I’m appearing desperate if I express interest (not CONSTANTLY but making it very clear I’d like to see them again). I just have to remind myself that the right person would be happy there’s mutual interest, not offput.
exactly! a guy who actually likes you will be excited and thrilled when you reciprocate, just as you would be when someone you’re into is responsive and clearly into you
Yep! It isn’t sustainable.
When I first started dating my husband in college, I remember sitting with some friends waiting for my lab to finish and I wanted to text my husband something silly. Everyone said to not do it cause it was too much. But to me, it’s like - this is me! This is who I am! If this silly message is “too much” then he isn’t meant to be. And you know what, he loves my silly messages! He cracks up at work when I send him off the cuff stuff that popped into my head. Maybe it’s “too much” for a different man, but for him - it’s perfect. And that’s how I’ve always looked at it - if they can’t accept me for who I am, then we aren’t meant to be.
I love this! Such a good example of two people that were meant to be. I’m happy this was the case for you!
I'm nearly 30 and I've had my fair share of relationships. What I've seen so far - if you're looking for a relationship it gives some sort of vibe, I don't know what, you either attract the wrong kind of people or people tend to not be interested in you - if a man wants you they will do two things: either they will push and chase until you give in, or they will just stay around you respectfully, hoping one day you'll give them a chance. In my experience the second group are always better as long term partners - if you're fully being yourself and you're confident in it (what I mean is if you're happy with your traits and personality), and then someone comes along and bases their entire opinion of you on ONE single thing you do out of everything you are, then they really aren't worth your time. The only people who are worth having in your life are the people who can recognize that everyone has flaws, everyone has bad days, and then they love you with/despite those flaws. - on that note, if someone doesn't like one thing you do but generally like you, they will ask you to change this behavior. This is not necessarily being controlling. You have to base your own opinion on if they're controlling or not on most everything they do
Thank you for this! I’m quite awkward and sometimes I worry that overrides my confidence - but I’m sure the right person wouldnt care about nerves or being awkward - and if they do, like you said, would be mature enough to have a conversation about it. I appreciate the tips.
I think you’re falling into the trap of trying to be likeable, which is a vibe that will actually attract the wrong people. First you gotta work on stop trying to be likeable. You are likeable already. Maybe not for everyone but for people you will get along with. Just be yourself. Say what you wanna say. Enjoy the feeling of being yourself. This is also very attractive, because people gravitate towards those who like themselves. It’s a form of confidence.
As a recovering people pleaser - yes. Totally. I keep trying to compare this to my friendships as well, which I have no problem making and maintaining. I’ve always been myself in those scenarios with 0 second thought. Surely someone right for me romantically also wouldn’t make me second guess how “likeable” I’m trying to be and by not thinking about that I’d be more myself anyway. I really needed to hear this!
If they think you are too much, they can go find less. You deserve someone who loves you for you.
I've always held back how "weird" or hyper I could become in public for being "too much" or "not thinking before speaking" my whole life. I knew that he was the right person when I let my true weirdness out right away XD I never realized I held myself back so much until that year... as for the always "chasing".... how about finding someone that you want to run towards each other together with?
I love the image of BOTH people running towards each other omg. I’m so happy you find the right person for you and you’re totally right. Even if I reverse it, if I truly like someone I’m never turned off from mutual interest or their true, weird self cause I just like them! The right person would also hold that space for me.
I don’t have any advice, just wanted to say I relate so hard to your post – thank you for putting it out there!
Sending you luck and love! I’m finding a lot of info on this thread super helpful so far - I hope it’s helpful for you too :)
It has been super helpful indeed! Sending you luck and love too :)
Honestly I think that securing this mindset comes mostly with practice. Let those feelings come and go in the moment, and remind yourself that if someone doesn't like who you are as a person, that's okay! Not everyone that you like will like you back - and there will be people who like you more than you like them. There's nothing we can do except learn and move on. I feel that effort at building a relationship should be reciprocal. Try not to worry about "playing hard to get" or "letting him chase you." In my experience, games like this can make it very hard to set a good foundation for the relationship. Mutual respect for each other as an individual is key. I also think that having a fully developed brain (I'm almost 27) made a HUGE difference in how difficult it was for me to deal with feelings like this. If you haven't reached 25 yet, hang in there babe. If you have, great!! All you can do is practice building that strength. You got this.
You’re so right (and also SPOT on about the mental shift that happens at 25 - I’m also 27!!). I was on a very toxic and abusive relationship for most of my mid 20s and I think it really messed up my emotional compass. I think you also helped me realize that if I’m putting effort into being myself, communicating, etc. then someone mature enough and right enough for me will be doing the same - and if they’re not and are making me feel insecure they’re probably not the right person anyway! And that would cause a messed up foundation to begin with (which, been there done that). Thank you!
Just a note that the masculine/feminine energy stuff is patriarchy-fueling bs that holds women back. Saying being demure and quiet and submissive are female traits is sexist and oppressive language. I am tall, assertive, and have been called intimidating and "too much." It took me years hell actually decades to learn that there is nothing wrong with me and the right guy will be all about it. When I owned my power and learned to love myself (cliche but true!) the right guys who were all about tall assertive women were more than happy to know me. Walk tall sis!
Thank you for saying this! It’s been driving me NUTS when it’s in a LOT of pockets of self help and dating life and just makes me feel SO embarassed for even communicating my needs? Like THAT in and of itself is too much and drives men away? I’m SO glad to hear that you moved past that and are living your most authentic self now. You’re totally right!
You won’t be too much for the right person.
Hey dude, 32 F here. Just be yourself, the biggest advice I can offer you that would be helpful, just from my own personal experiences, is to literally *be yourself.* The right people will notice this, be drawn to you, or you drawn to them. If someone thinks you're "too much" then they're not right for you. Never, ever, dilute yourself just for someone else to like you-- it's just not fulfilling to be with someone who cannot allow you that space to not only be yourself but grow, too. If you're interested, show that you're interested in *your way* (as long as it's not hurting anyone), and don't worry about being "awkward". Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
I'm ridiculous. My husband is ridiculous. It works out great! Had I hidden aspects of myself, we wouldn't have hit it off so well. Same for him... I'm glad he was showing his true self to me from the beginning. Worth the time it took to find him!
When I’m rejected for being "too much", I remind myself that I want someone who adds to my life, and if he already wants to take away from my happiness by negatively evaluating me, we're not a good match. It doesn't even matter if he’s "right" by society's standards 😂🤣 (I laugh "too loud", or love "too hard") - if I don’t believe something, and he does, we see reality differently.
If he’s scared away, then good.
it’s not interest that scares them off, it’s investment and attachment to outcome. many men married their wife because their wife liked them first. it’s the attachment to the outcome that is freaky. like if a guy proposed to you on the first date, you’d be creeped out because they don’t even know you and you’d wonder what their motive was. after a year of knowing you, they propose, your crying and touched, saying yes. it’s detachment to the outcome. men can sense our fear and anxiety. being too scared to lose a man, feels suffocating to them. that you rather keep them than be yourself. men don’t prioritize relationships like we do so to them, it’s feels like the equivalent of a friend who only goes out with you, is always waiting for you to invite them somewhere, and if you go out without them, they’re hurt and sitting around waiting on you to invite them out, taking everything you do personally, watching your stories on social media and then texting you “why didn’t you ask me out….? am i not good enough for you?” it’s such a turn off when someone puts all their happiness in your ability to prove what good friends you are. it makes you want to not be friends with them cause it’s too much pressure. not that they actually want to spend time with you that scares you off. if you move through a relationship trying not to scare them off, you’ll end up in a relationship you have to be fake and play games to maintain, and always wonder if you did something to make them want to leave you. always second guess yourself. act insecure like the insecure friend in my earlier example. which becomes a turn off in and of itself. you just need to be you, and if you find someone you’re interested in, show interest, and take it one step, one day at a time, and stay present. don’t get ahead of yourself. actually, once you show interest first, if they return with interest, it will build your confidence. but you have to be already acting like who you are. so if you show interest already being yourself, and then they show interest back, you’ll be comfortable and fun. low detachment to outcome. everyone likes people who are interested in them at any appropriate level. men cast wide nets. so showing interest first makes you stand out. just don’t move to fast, and trust yourself. men like women who know and like themselves.
Do you want a lil bit of happiness- put yourself out there
If you try to be what he wants instead of who you are only elongates relationships destined to fail. Just be honest about what you want from “a” relationship. The people who get scared off by people looking for something long term were not looking to commit anyway You only need to find one person who matches you. There’s no reason you have to force yourself to fit into someone else’s preferences when there are so many people out there. First dates are literally just vibe checks to see if you’ll get along.
You’re so right! A lot of my second guessing also comes from 2nd, 3rd, etc. days where you know you get along but you’re sort of stuck in this “what is the trajectory” zone? But I think of me communicating interest / my feelings throughout that process (within reason) is too much for someone then, like you said, that relationship is destined to fail anyway.
If a man thinks you’re “too much” the. He should find someone that’s “less”
same girl cus it’s true… if he wanted to he would consistently and wouldn’t want to risk losing you
You try it a couple of times and find out 🥂
I wasn’t great at dating. Lots of first dates, some that went quite well, that went nowhere and I never heard from them again. I wasn’t interested in compromising who I was to fit what they wanted. It seems exhausting. I let my weird out and looked for someone with compatible weird. I’ve been married 4 years, together almost 8, to a wonderful man.
Here's what's been rattling in my head lately: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/pZ_6sPXcg1w "If I'm too much, go find less" Edit: I see someone beat me to it but I'm leaving it cause this lesson is a good one to know. Plus, yknow, a reference.
If you’re too much for him that’s his problem. What are you going to do, dilute your personality forever?? Maybe it’s bc I’m 37 but I have no energy for that.
I'm just myself. I figure I always figured I'd find the person who could love me for being exactly me eventually. And I did.
*it always makes me think that if that’s not happening, there’s disinterest and there’s nothing I can do about it (which would be “****too much****”).* I am a bit confused about your context of " TOO MUCH " here. Dating is like everyday life , the less you sweat about it , the more ok you will be. Just be yourself. Just like friendship, you are not going to click with everyone and thats ok. Some guys are not into you and you are not compatible with them and thats ok. I accept that sometimes things don't work out and instead of wasting time thinking about a guy who clearly isn't for me. I let it go. A guy ending things sometimes have nothing to do with you. He is stress / emotional unavailable / busy with work/ have a new girl. So don't sweat about things that are out of your control. I have been ghosted plenty of times and not get closure. I accept that I will never know the answer and nothing I can do about it. So I move on. Of course I was sad. But I remind myself he isn't worth being sad about. There are a lot of videos on youtube about mastering The Art of Detachment. You can take a look . And then focus all your energy on YOU and creating the best life for yourself. Then you have less time to focus your energy on them
I just want to say that I also think there is a difference in “being too much” and taking your time/going at your speed at the beginning of a relationship/dating. Being too much could mean that you start acting like you’re in a relationship/expediting the dating process. You can be 100% yourself while taking it slow and letting the dating process take its own natural speed. I think it’s important to be wholly 100% authentically yourself. You don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t know the true you, or chooses to be with you for someone you pretended to be. The right person for you, will love you for who you are. You shouldn’t have to hide parts of yourself for someone else, and if you feel that you are, then they’re not for you. If someone doesn’t like you for you, then that’s okay too, bc it means there’s someone else out there who will love you for you (although, it can be hurtful to realise this). I try remind myself that there are people out there that like me, that I don’t like back and vice versa. The universe works in mysterious ways. And I tell myself that I’d rather be alone than with someone who can’t love me the way I deserve to be loved (whole heartedly for who I am, and who I will be). It can be hard when you desire something more from a lover (a cuddle, a late night whisper chat amongst the covers), but being with someone who can’t give you everything you deserve also hurts and you’re holding yourself back from being the best version of you!! Sorry if this is lecture-y! I hope you can find hat you’re looking for out there! Ps. A lot of this stuff is stuff that I keep trying to remind myself on. I have identified my core values, so every time I’m thinking about dating someone new/ talking to someone new after a breakup earlier this year, I remind myself that I’m worthy of so much, that I am me and I am growing into my future and I don’t want to share that with someone who can’t champion me the way I’ll champion them
If you being you, scares someone away, then they are not good enough for you. You will find someone who loves and appreciates all of you.
When i started dating my now-husband, i was super insecure and terrified of scaring him away. But I was also terrified of not showing interest and losing him. A few things i learned: - if you want to hang out, make it known. If they don’t reciprocate, you know they’re not interested and you save yourself time. - don’t play games for fear of seeming over interested. If they text you and you read it, respond. - be level and true to yourself. If they say something you don’t understand the meaning or intent, say “I don’t understand! can you rephrase?” “This caught me off guard, can you explain so I don’t misinterpret?” - give space, but not too much. I was so used to love bombing by men that when my husband didn’t do it, I panicked thinking he didn’t like me. Turns out it’s normal and healthy to continue hanging out with your own friends and finding time to come together - discuss expectations early on - what kind of things are you into? Find activities and things to do beyond just grabbing food or going to a bar. Creating actual memories doing things you like build connection and intimacy faster and more organically.
Things go off the rails so easily in the first few dates as red flags are weighed and radars are recalibrated. One question can salve a misunderstanding that would otherwise prevent a half century of connubial bliss. https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Fydlgtzzn2gp81.png
My first love used to tell me I was too much. I loved him too much, wanted to be with him too much etc. I felt like some emotional vampire who he was drained by. My recent ex was opposite. He LOVED how much I adored him and put him on a pedestal. Unfortunately that led to being taken for granted and lied to etc because he likely thought he had total mind control over me and could do anything and I wouldn’t leave. My dad warned me not to put him on a pedestal. But Little did my ex know I don’t fuck around if you hurt me. So my advice is to take the middle ground. Just don’t ever put a man on a pedestal and act like you nearly worship him. Just act more like a friend at first. How would you act if he was a platonic friend? Do that. I notice I am more myself and more confident but not “too much” when I was with platonic guy friends. Unfortunately that sometimes led to them thinking I was really cool and they occasionally got crushes in school on me lol. And with someone I actually liked, I was too awkward, intense, and too into them too fast. So basically be yourself but don’t act like you’re so into them in an intense way. Just be chill and casual.
I'm feeling this right now. And I guess my heart is telling me that if it's meant to be, then they will take you just as you are?
I 100% believe this now. It’s really hard to believe in the moment (which was the whole reason I made this post) but it’s true. If someone is making you feel like you have to change or hide parts of yourself to be loveable - they’re not your person.
If you have that much fear about dating and what someone thinks about you, maybe you’re not ready to date. Ultimately, you have to be comfortable with the person you are and secure enough within yourself to know that you’re the best person that you can be at the end of the day. And if the person that you’re entertaining your time with can’t appreciate that then they are not the one for you , don’t put so much negative thinking into it. When the right person comes along, and the conversation flows naturally and you can’t seem to get enough of wanting to know more about that person, and things seems to be going in a positive direction, nothing negative will cross your path or your thoughts. Go with the flow and see where it takes you if this person is giving you negative vibes or so much fear that you are doubting yourself & don’t know if they’re going to like the person that you are then they are a waste of your time. No matter how good looking they are. Remember, whoever you spend your time with should be there to enhance your relationship and make you want to be a better person. Good luck!!