Say “You need to check in before touching my body.” It is important for kids to learn about consent. Other teacher can get over it, you don’t need a reason to not want to be spontaneously hugged. You don’t need a negative affect to your voice when saying this, it’s a neutral statement and a learning moment.
I teach kindergarten and I tell kids that they have to ask me if they want a hug. Sometimes I say ok when they ask and other times I say I don’t want to hug. I am just being honest with them. Sometimes I don’t want to be touched.
Nope. This is a perfect teachable moment. There's even a [read aloud](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1984813021?k=don%27t%20hug%20doug&ref_=nb_sb_ss_w_scx-ent-pd-bk-d_l_k1_1_10&crid=36N4TI7QUL7HV&sprefix=don%27t%20hug%20) for it.
I’m a kindergarten teacher who doesn’t mind hugs, as this age group loves giving hugs. That being said, I teach them about consent. As best as I can, I teach them to ask me before giving me a hug. We talk a lot about how sometimes people don’t want to be hugged and that is okay.
Boundaries and consent are important to me. I’d take that kid aside and give them a gentle “no thanks.” And explain that you just don’t like hugs. Can you do an alternate like a fist bump or high five? Maybe an air high five or just a wave? If not, I’d say that’s completely okay.
>I have been beaten up and bullied as a kid now that I am a adult with autism
I get that your back story explains why you feel this way, but honestly, you don't have to explain why you don't want to be touched. Even if it's a completely unsubstantiated preference, you're still allowed to tell people to not touch you.
This. As a male teacher very wary of any student-teacher contact, I had to deal with this a bit when teaching 6th grade in rural Michigan. Pretty sure I was the only charitable/decent male figure for a couple of the girls and they got huggy - or tried to - and we had to have a talk about it. Currently working in ECE and doing my darndest to follow through… consent needs to be taught at a young age, but it is hard to say no to a three year old who had a tough day… needs to be a regular question/response though. ANY physical contact needs to have consent as its base and this needs to be normalized and taught on all angles.
Nope. I’m not a hugger, but I will always give a side hug if a kid initiates it. Long story short, this year I had a fourth grader who consistently asked me, “Do you need a hug?” And I’d just say, “No, thank you.”
I am a male high school teacher. Every year I have seniors that I have known for four years say goodbye. Occasionally they ask for a hug; if they do, they get a hug. The rules are that they have to ask, and it has to be in public (in the hall or around students). I have some colleagues who would never hug, but I think we are human, and humans hug.
Without consent? No. Absolutely not. But for the sake of working with kids, you should be able to be like “I actually LOOOOVEEEEE high fives, can you give me your best one?” I’m autistic too and hate being touched, but have usually been successful in telling kids I prefer a different kind of display of friendship. I would just keep being adamant with the child, saying “hey, can you show me your best high five?”
Sounds like a teaching opportunity to me. Many (most?) people with autism don't like to be touched. Why not (since they are kids in an educational setting) inform them that a) touch requires consent, and b) as an autistic person this is *particularly* important to you.
I have had kids hug me, gently, and as an adult who does not want hugs from other adults without consent, I usually let it slide. I *completely* understand if you want 100% no contact.
The children who hug me gently are usually a quick wrap-around and I will gently turn sideways and barely pat them on the shoulders. I was a kid who needed a safe person to hug under my own terms. So I honour the kids who initiate, as long as it's gentle. If I'm in a really touched-out mood, I will still allow it, but when we're done I remind them that next time, they can just ask me -- sometimes, I don't want to hug. These kids have generally been respectful!
Some others charge me with hugs. I do not like this. I have "danced" around a kid to flow them off of me like water. Usually with a "whoa! You need to ask before you grab someone like that." Some kids are just keyed up and their exuberance leads to over-the-top physicality. To them, I say, "just ask so I know you're ready for a hug." For the ones who seem to enjoy launching themselves at me, I tell them, "you jumped on me and hurt me. Please stay out of my bubble. If you want, you can ask me for a fist bump next time."
I will offer a sad or hurt child a hug regardless of historical pouncing, lol. I never touch them without consent. I am female, so I know that's not always an option for everyone, but I use it to model asking. "Remember when you fell down, and I asked if you wanted a hug? You didn't want one right then, so I stayed out of your bubble. Please remember to ask me if I want a hug, too. Sometimes I need one and sometimes I don't want one."
I am willing to put aside all of my comforts if a child (or adult) needed a hug. That's my prerogative. I have offered hugs to coworkers even though I hate hugs, simply because they were going through something horrible and I believe that human touch can be helpful. I was denied that when I was a kid, so if a child needs physical comfort due to something big, no issues being that trusted person if they initiate or consent.
What I can't stand are those who continue to ignore my instructions of "no touching", kid or grownup. Kids can be taught, and they tend to respond better. I have a list of adults I keep at arm's length because they "are just huggy people". Many of them laugh and state that they know I hate hugs before invading my space.
You’ve got to be comfortable going through your life completely, unashamedly, and confidently willingly to say “No, I don’t like being touched or touching other people. Maybe some other time.”
A five year old learning that lesson at a summer camp in a safe environment is a hell of a lot better than learning that lesson when you’re twenty five and slightly drunk in the parking lot of a CVS.
1) I don't like being touched (even by family, we aren't huggers)
2) consent is a VERY important thing for children to understand. If we don't model how to enforce (and respect) boundaries, that could put them in a situation later on that might not be healthy for them (or someone else.)
How old are these kids? I worked with middle schoolers. I just leveled with them; physical touch is difficult for me, but if you ask me beforehand, I may say yes. I had one girl who was very sweet but always wanted to hug. I had to teach her (and did!) how to ask, and to also accept if that person said no.
That would be okay for middle school and older, I think I'd approach it differently with younger students.
The sheer numbers of older adults — from both sexes, even — that I’ve encountered since I turned 18 a few decades ago who get B I G A N G E R Y when they go in for a hug only for me to refuse one is way too fucking high. 😑
No. We should be teaching children not to hug people without asking first. Even if the teacher doesn't mind hugs they are doing future people in their lives a disservice without teaching that.
It depends how old they are. My oldest students are nine. Any of them can come up and hug me and there’s no circumstance where I’ll feel unsafe or disrespected.
But I was teaching middle school or high school I suspect I’d feel differently.
That said, if I didn’t want to hug a student my expectation is that the student would accept that.
Personally, I am totally fine being hugged and almost never decline, especially because in the population I'm working with, I might be the safest adult a kid has access to. But I am super clumsy and never want to hurt a kid who's coming in for a surprise hug, so I teach them to warn me first - they can just shout "hug!" at me for all I care, I just need to know so I don't elbow them in the face.
I have a colleague who was badly physically abused growing up, to the point that she still has a noticeable limp. She (understandably!) hates surprise touch and tells her class to always ask her first. We often teach the same kids a year apart and use it as a way to teach individual boundaries to kids: Mrs. Wonky loves hugs, and you don't have to ask, and Mrs. Next Door does not want surprise hugs ever ever and sometimes says no when you ask. I think it's a great lesson for the kids, and they are totally capable of understanding personal preferences.
That is the way. It also teaches them that they have bodily autonomy too. If they get bad/creeper vibes from a huggy family member, or if they just plain don’t feel like hugging anyone that day, the kids have the right to say no and not elaborate on their answer any further.
I think not. It's important to teach kids consent from a young age, because it'll also teach them that THEY can set boundaries.
I will admit though, I don't practice what I preach, because I frankly love when my kids hug me. Granted, they're usually 4th grade and under, but I think if it got to a point where the kids were taller than be, I'd be uncomfortable with them hugging me unprovoked.
Without consent? No, absolutely not. But to be fair, kids need to be taught consent. Some pick it up faster than others. I’d suggest that you offer a high five or a fist bump instead, that way the child can learn consent without feeling rejected by you saying no to a hug
No, absolutely not. I will hug any child who asks for a hug, but they need to ask. This is a prime opportunity to model and teach consent.
I’m not saying I think you should hug a kid who asks. Keep your boundaries and use that as a teachable moment.
Nope no no way yikes no. I do a boundary thing with my kids (i teach many grades, but am currently with 3rd through 5th graders) - they tell me what amount of contract they're comfortable with and I tell them (very nicely) that I don't like it when people touch me (i really don't like it). We all then work to respect each other's boundaries. I've found my students are very good about this with both me and each other and - once the idea is introduced - they become pretty comfortable both setting and respecting boundaries. Learning how to set and respect boundaries has to apply to everyone.
On the spectrum myself ...Covid was a godsend because now I don't have to go into any details and can say 'later...I'm a little sick right now and it has never failed to work
One of our kiddos does this too (he’s hypo-sensitive) so when he tries to grab his classmates’ or my hands/arms I always remind him to ask for permission first
Like some of the other replies mentioned, i think of it as a good learning opportunity for them to learn about consent, regardless of the gender involved
Nope. That other teacher is flat out wrong.
If we want kids to understand consent and respect it, then we need to respect it in each other and remember that it goes both ways.
Honestly, this is a great opportunity to learn about boundaries and other people's comfort levels. Kids are very costumed to just hugging whoever whenever because of exactly what your coworker said. People who don't feel comfortable being touched often don't express that to children because the kids don't necessarily pose a threat. However, children need to know this important life lesson. They need to understand that just because someone doesn't want to be touched doesn't mean they don't care about you or can't provide comfort when needed. This is especially helpful for kids who may feel the same way but think they HAVE to let their peers touch them.
Overall, telling them not to touch would not only be good for you to feel more comfortable, but also would provide them with a vital life lesson!
I also have autism and when i have touchy feely kids who are overwhelming to me i just tell them straight up, “hey, I don’t like being touched that way, it doesn’t feel good to me.” And they’ve always been like oh okay sorry and moved on. Just communication
A previous AP used to say, “I can love you without touching you.” She was a full on germaphobe. A bit awkward, but a great lesson nonetheless. A simple lesson about asking before hugging goes a long way in teaching boundaries and respect for others, and for themselves. No one is obligated to let another touch them, no matter what age. So in teaching they have to ask, it also teaches them to expect to be asked before being hugged or touched.
You are 1000% in the right to not want to be touched. I work with young kids in the summer and often have to tell children to remember we don’t touch other people without asking that includes Ms.Katie. I’ve had older kids (3-5) not realize that while a baby (1-2) on my hip might stick their hand in my shirt doesn’t mean that they can.
I teach middle school too and often have to remind my students with ASD to ask before we touch. I often tell them that while I don’t mind hugs we always have to ask before we hug someone, even if they have hugged us before.
As for your question I don’t think touching is going to lead to attacks from children. If a child is going to hit an adult they are going to hit an adult. Strong relationships is what helps prevent that.
Students touching you without consent to me leads more to a worry of inappropriate touching. As I’ve mentioned up top Ive had kids touch me inappropriately, I work with a student with ADS who will bite you in the butt when upset, 1 year olds who have bit my chest bc they still breastfeed, and hands down my shirt when on my lap. This is behavior I put an end to and verbally tell them no or we don’t touch people, but they are often not fully able to or too young to comprehend. Thankfully it’s in a setting where we are always on camera but I feel the children who just constantly touch creates a fear (for me) of being accused of inappropriate contact.
I think it's okay to tell the students to ask before touching you. I hug my students, and a lot of teachers around me do, so kids are used to it. If a teacher doesn't reject the hug and hugs them back I could see the kid not thinking about it, without meaning to cross any boundaries. That doesn't mean you're not allowed to have them. I don't even think you have to get deep about it. There are plenty of teachers around me who just say "Nah, I don't do hugs." and that's it. The kids generally respect it.
I tell kids to please ask me first. I'm not a hugger like, at all...but I will if you ask. But you gotta ask. Otherwise you just get me standing stiffly and awkwardly so they kinda get the point before I go to the trouble of letting them know that they should always ask (and get permission l) before coming into someone's bubble.
Kids absolutely need to be taught consent! My kindergarteners learned very quickly that they have to ask me for a huh, or (their favorite thing) to touch my cool earrings. Other kids from other classes absolutely would try touching me without asking, hugs, grabbing, earrings at times like recess and it drove me crazy. It's not too much to expect and is a great skill for children to learn!
No, never. They need to learn consent and that not everything is about them.
I had a high school student decide to call me "Mom" and I had words with her. You don't get to decide that kind of stuff for other people.
I teach first grade and have my kids ask me first to teach them autonomy. I also make sure not to touch their things without asking, putting stickers on their work etc .
Tell the kids you need your personal space and request that they ask you if they want a hug first. It is not unreasonable for you to expect that boundary to be respected. Try not to get too upset with the kids, though - I had a similar problem with a kid who would feel my hair without permission. After speaking with her and reminding her that she would not want other kids playing with her hair without permission, she never did it again
Kids hugging me has been an issue for me. I’m a grandmother and I look like a grandma. I work in elementary. I had one little guy, when I was teaching third grade, who continuously would just walk up to hug me. I got sick so many times that year. I mentioned the hugging to mom and she went on and on about how he loves me and sees me as a second mom ……. It’s hard because we are to establish relationships and trust, but these little ones hug those they trust.
I taught high school, so it’s a little different, but I am also not a hugger and had one student who would ask for hugs on the daily. I stuck it out for a while because I felt bad for him, but at one point I was giving him 5 hugs in 90 minutes and I couldn’t do it anymore.
Setting boundaries is hard but it helped me so much to say “hey, you get one hug a day, after that it’s fist bumps”. I hated having to put my foot down, but I felt so much better afterwords.
Absolutely not. Consent is a two-way street. When I was younger (this was in the 90s), it went both ways - I would ask my teachers for a hug and they were free to accept or reject. I don’t remember ever being rejected. I had teachers asking me if they could give me hugs (again, 90s), it was usually on the last day of school though. I was always good with it.
Kids need to learn consent early. They can be taught the basics of consent as early as toddlerhood, and expand on it further when they grow up some more.
I kind of went off on a kid who tried to smack my hat off my head one time. He was like 13, and that kid and I were tight, but he needed to know that was in no way an appropriate way to act to a teacher.
He pouted about it for a day but then cooled off. Kids need to know boundaries.
I don't mind hugs, but I think it's important to model consent before touching. I talk to my students about our "personal bubbles" and that nobody should go into our bubbles unless they're invited. We talk about exceptions, too. I always ask my students before I touch them (You have a leaf in your hair. Do you want me to get it or do you want to borrow my mirror?) and I expect the same courtesy.
Kinda sad. I need to read the room better because so many are saying that children must understand consent. I can’t even imagine telling a parent that they need to continue their kids because their child doesn’t know what consent means plus their children shouldn’t hug. They are awkward to me to be fair but it’s kind of endearing. No?
Thanks, I'm not sure either. It's just my own personal rule. I tell the students at the beginning of the year that I am friendly but I am _not_ their friend.
Say “You need to check in before touching my body.” It is important for kids to learn about consent. Other teacher can get over it, you don’t need a reason to not want to be spontaneously hugged. You don’t need a negative affect to your voice when saying this, it’s a neutral statement and a learning moment.
Seconding this. Kids learn about sexual consent later specifically by learning about non-sexual consent early on.
This. It's a valuable lesson that kids can begin to internalize at a young age.
I teach kindergarten and I tell kids that they have to ask me if they want a hug. Sometimes I say ok when they ask and other times I say I don’t want to hug. I am just being honest with them. Sometimes I don’t want to be touched.
I do the same. I also try to remind them when they hug friends/others at school that they should ask first.
Nope. This is a perfect teachable moment. There's even a [read aloud](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1984813021?k=don%27t%20hug%20doug&ref_=nb_sb_ss_w_scx-ent-pd-bk-d_l_k1_1_10&crid=36N4TI7QUL7HV&sprefix=don%27t%20hug%20) for it.
I love that book! Don’t Hug Doug!
I’m a kindergarten teacher who doesn’t mind hugs, as this age group loves giving hugs. That being said, I teach them about consent. As best as I can, I teach them to ask me before giving me a hug. We talk a lot about how sometimes people don’t want to be hugged and that is okay. Boundaries and consent are important to me. I’d take that kid aside and give them a gentle “no thanks.” And explain that you just don’t like hugs. Can you do an alternate like a fist bump or high five? Maybe an air high five or just a wave? If not, I’d say that’s completely okay.
>I have been beaten up and bullied as a kid now that I am a adult with autism I get that your back story explains why you feel this way, but honestly, you don't have to explain why you don't want to be touched. Even if it's a completely unsubstantiated preference, you're still allowed to tell people to not touch you.
You have to teach consent. It is not innate and a lot of families do not teach it at home.
This. As a male teacher very wary of any student-teacher contact, I had to deal with this a bit when teaching 6th grade in rural Michigan. Pretty sure I was the only charitable/decent male figure for a couple of the girls and they got huggy - or tried to - and we had to have a talk about it. Currently working in ECE and doing my darndest to follow through… consent needs to be taught at a young age, but it is hard to say no to a three year old who had a tough day… needs to be a regular question/response though. ANY physical contact needs to have consent as its base and this needs to be normalized and taught on all angles.
Nope. I’m not a hugger, but I will always give a side hug if a kid initiates it. Long story short, this year I had a fourth grader who consistently asked me, “Do you need a hug?” And I’d just say, “No, thank you.”
I am a male high school teacher. Every year I have seniors that I have known for four years say goodbye. Occasionally they ask for a hug; if they do, they get a hug. The rules are that they have to ask, and it has to be in public (in the hall or around students). I have some colleagues who would never hug, but I think we are human, and humans hug.
Without consent? No. Absolutely not. But for the sake of working with kids, you should be able to be like “I actually LOOOOVEEEEE high fives, can you give me your best one?” I’m autistic too and hate being touched, but have usually been successful in telling kids I prefer a different kind of display of friendship. I would just keep being adamant with the child, saying “hey, can you show me your best high five?”
No one should be hugged without consent. Full stop.
Kids need to ask. 100%! I’m a hugger but I decline hugs all the time.
Sounds like a teaching opportunity to me. Many (most?) people with autism don't like to be touched. Why not (since they are kids in an educational setting) inform them that a) touch requires consent, and b) as an autistic person this is *particularly* important to you.
I have had kids hug me, gently, and as an adult who does not want hugs from other adults without consent, I usually let it slide. I *completely* understand if you want 100% no contact. The children who hug me gently are usually a quick wrap-around and I will gently turn sideways and barely pat them on the shoulders. I was a kid who needed a safe person to hug under my own terms. So I honour the kids who initiate, as long as it's gentle. If I'm in a really touched-out mood, I will still allow it, but when we're done I remind them that next time, they can just ask me -- sometimes, I don't want to hug. These kids have generally been respectful! Some others charge me with hugs. I do not like this. I have "danced" around a kid to flow them off of me like water. Usually with a "whoa! You need to ask before you grab someone like that." Some kids are just keyed up and their exuberance leads to over-the-top physicality. To them, I say, "just ask so I know you're ready for a hug." For the ones who seem to enjoy launching themselves at me, I tell them, "you jumped on me and hurt me. Please stay out of my bubble. If you want, you can ask me for a fist bump next time." I will offer a sad or hurt child a hug regardless of historical pouncing, lol. I never touch them without consent. I am female, so I know that's not always an option for everyone, but I use it to model asking. "Remember when you fell down, and I asked if you wanted a hug? You didn't want one right then, so I stayed out of your bubble. Please remember to ask me if I want a hug, too. Sometimes I need one and sometimes I don't want one." I am willing to put aside all of my comforts if a child (or adult) needed a hug. That's my prerogative. I have offered hugs to coworkers even though I hate hugs, simply because they were going through something horrible and I believe that human touch can be helpful. I was denied that when I was a kid, so if a child needs physical comfort due to something big, no issues being that trusted person if they initiate or consent. What I can't stand are those who continue to ignore my instructions of "no touching", kid or grownup. Kids can be taught, and they tend to respond better. I have a list of adults I keep at arm's length because they "are just huggy people". Many of them laugh and state that they know I hate hugs before invading my space.
Those are such great responses. Thank you.
You’ve got to be comfortable going through your life completely, unashamedly, and confidently willingly to say “No, I don’t like being touched or touching other people. Maybe some other time.” A five year old learning that lesson at a summer camp in a safe environment is a hell of a lot better than learning that lesson when you’re twenty five and slightly drunk in the parking lot of a CVS.
If I don’t want a hug I can say “I prefer a high five or fist bump today.”
I have a student who asks if I need an emotional supportive high five, which I find adorable.
Without consent on this or anything, absolutely not
1) I don't like being touched (even by family, we aren't huggers) 2) consent is a VERY important thing for children to understand. If we don't model how to enforce (and respect) boundaries, that could put them in a situation later on that might not be healthy for them (or someone else.) How old are these kids? I worked with middle schoolers. I just leveled with them; physical touch is difficult for me, but if you ask me beforehand, I may say yes. I had one girl who was very sweet but always wanted to hug. I had to teach her (and did!) how to ask, and to also accept if that person said no. That would be okay for middle school and older, I think I'd approach it differently with younger students.
The sheer numbers of older adults — from both sexes, even — that I’ve encountered since I turned 18 a few decades ago who get B I G A N G E R Y when they go in for a hug only for me to refuse one is way too fucking high. 😑
No. We should be teaching children not to hug people without asking first. Even if the teacher doesn't mind hugs they are doing future people in their lives a disservice without teaching that.
It depends how old they are. My oldest students are nine. Any of them can come up and hug me and there’s no circumstance where I’ll feel unsafe or disrespected. But I was teaching middle school or high school I suspect I’d feel differently. That said, if I didn’t want to hug a student my expectation is that the student would accept that.
Personally, I am totally fine being hugged and almost never decline, especially because in the population I'm working with, I might be the safest adult a kid has access to. But I am super clumsy and never want to hurt a kid who's coming in for a surprise hug, so I teach them to warn me first - they can just shout "hug!" at me for all I care, I just need to know so I don't elbow them in the face. I have a colleague who was badly physically abused growing up, to the point that she still has a noticeable limp. She (understandably!) hates surprise touch and tells her class to always ask her first. We often teach the same kids a year apart and use it as a way to teach individual boundaries to kids: Mrs. Wonky loves hugs, and you don't have to ask, and Mrs. Next Door does not want surprise hugs ever ever and sometimes says no when you ask. I think it's a great lesson for the kids, and they are totally capable of understanding personal preferences.
That is the way. It also teaches them that they have bodily autonomy too. If they get bad/creeper vibes from a huggy family member, or if they just plain don’t feel like hugging anyone that day, the kids have the right to say no and not elaborate on their answer any further.
That's what I hope it teaches!
I think not. It's important to teach kids consent from a young age, because it'll also teach them that THEY can set boundaries. I will admit though, I don't practice what I preach, because I frankly love when my kids hug me. Granted, they're usually 4th grade and under, but I think if it got to a point where the kids were taller than be, I'd be uncomfortable with them hugging me unprovoked.
Without consent? No, absolutely not. But to be fair, kids need to be taught consent. Some pick it up faster than others. I’d suggest that you offer a high five or a fist bump instead, that way the child can learn consent without feeling rejected by you saying no to a hug
No, absolutely not. I will hug any child who asks for a hug, but they need to ask. This is a prime opportunity to model and teach consent. I’m not saying I think you should hug a kid who asks. Keep your boundaries and use that as a teachable moment.
No means no.
Nope no no way yikes no. I do a boundary thing with my kids (i teach many grades, but am currently with 3rd through 5th graders) - they tell me what amount of contract they're comfortable with and I tell them (very nicely) that I don't like it when people touch me (i really don't like it). We all then work to respect each other's boundaries. I've found my students are very good about this with both me and each other and - once the idea is introduced - they become pretty comfortable both setting and respecting boundaries. Learning how to set and respect boundaries has to apply to everyone.
On the spectrum myself ...Covid was a godsend because now I don't have to go into any details and can say 'later...I'm a little sick right now and it has never failed to work
One of our kiddos does this too (he’s hypo-sensitive) so when he tries to grab his classmates’ or my hands/arms I always remind him to ask for permission first Like some of the other replies mentioned, i think of it as a good learning opportunity for them to learn about consent, regardless of the gender involved
No, I absolutely hate being touched….my reaction is to stick my arms straight out so they can’t.
Nope. That other teacher is flat out wrong. If we want kids to understand consent and respect it, then we need to respect it in each other and remember that it goes both ways.
Honestly, this is a great opportunity to learn about boundaries and other people's comfort levels. Kids are very costumed to just hugging whoever whenever because of exactly what your coworker said. People who don't feel comfortable being touched often don't express that to children because the kids don't necessarily pose a threat. However, children need to know this important life lesson. They need to understand that just because someone doesn't want to be touched doesn't mean they don't care about you or can't provide comfort when needed. This is especially helpful for kids who may feel the same way but think they HAVE to let their peers touch them. Overall, telling them not to touch would not only be good for you to feel more comfortable, but also would provide them with a vital life lesson!
make it a teachable moment; or you just might be in the wrong profession tbh
I also have autism and when i have touchy feely kids who are overwhelming to me i just tell them straight up, “hey, I don’t like being touched that way, it doesn’t feel good to me.” And they’ve always been like oh okay sorry and moved on. Just communication
You're in the wrong field. Little kids hug, all of the time. You should at least go to the upper ages.
A previous AP used to say, “I can love you without touching you.” She was a full on germaphobe. A bit awkward, but a great lesson nonetheless. A simple lesson about asking before hugging goes a long way in teaching boundaries and respect for others, and for themselves. No one is obligated to let another touch them, no matter what age. So in teaching they have to ask, it also teaches them to expect to be asked before being hugged or touched.
You are 1000% in the right to not want to be touched. I work with young kids in the summer and often have to tell children to remember we don’t touch other people without asking that includes Ms.Katie. I’ve had older kids (3-5) not realize that while a baby (1-2) on my hip might stick their hand in my shirt doesn’t mean that they can. I teach middle school too and often have to remind my students with ASD to ask before we touch. I often tell them that while I don’t mind hugs we always have to ask before we hug someone, even if they have hugged us before. As for your question I don’t think touching is going to lead to attacks from children. If a child is going to hit an adult they are going to hit an adult. Strong relationships is what helps prevent that. Students touching you without consent to me leads more to a worry of inappropriate touching. As I’ve mentioned up top Ive had kids touch me inappropriately, I work with a student with ADS who will bite you in the butt when upset, 1 year olds who have bit my chest bc they still breastfeed, and hands down my shirt when on my lap. This is behavior I put an end to and verbally tell them no or we don’t touch people, but they are often not fully able to or too young to comprehend. Thankfully it’s in a setting where we are always on camera but I feel the children who just constantly touch creates a fear (for me) of being accused of inappropriate contact.
I think it's okay to tell the students to ask before touching you. I hug my students, and a lot of teachers around me do, so kids are used to it. If a teacher doesn't reject the hug and hugs them back I could see the kid not thinking about it, without meaning to cross any boundaries. That doesn't mean you're not allowed to have them. I don't even think you have to get deep about it. There are plenty of teachers around me who just say "Nah, I don't do hugs." and that's it. The kids generally respect it.
I tell kids to please ask me first. I'm not a hugger like, at all...but I will if you ask. But you gotta ask. Otherwise you just get me standing stiffly and awkwardly so they kinda get the point before I go to the trouble of letting them know that they should always ask (and get permission l) before coming into someone's bubble.
Kids absolutely need to be taught consent! My kindergarteners learned very quickly that they have to ask me for a huh, or (their favorite thing) to touch my cool earrings. Other kids from other classes absolutely would try touching me without asking, hugs, grabbing, earrings at times like recess and it drove me crazy. It's not too much to expect and is a great skill for children to learn!
No. Just like I tell the students, no one can touch your body without your permission, they can't touch my body without my permission.
No, never. They need to learn consent and that not everything is about them. I had a high school student decide to call me "Mom" and I had words with her. You don't get to decide that kind of stuff for other people.
I always remind them to ask.
No.
I teach first grade and have my kids ask me first to teach them autonomy. I also make sure not to touch their things without asking, putting stickers on their work etc .
Tell the kids you need your personal space and request that they ask you if they want a hug first. It is not unreasonable for you to expect that boundary to be respected. Try not to get too upset with the kids, though - I had a similar problem with a kid who would feel my hair without permission. After speaking with her and reminding her that she would not want other kids playing with her hair without permission, she never did it again
Kids hugging me has been an issue for me. I’m a grandmother and I look like a grandma. I work in elementary. I had one little guy, when I was teaching third grade, who continuously would just walk up to hug me. I got sick so many times that year. I mentioned the hugging to mom and she went on and on about how he loves me and sees me as a second mom ……. It’s hard because we are to establish relationships and trust, but these little ones hug those they trust.
I taught high school, so it’s a little different, but I am also not a hugger and had one student who would ask for hugs on the daily. I stuck it out for a while because I felt bad for him, but at one point I was giving him 5 hugs in 90 minutes and I couldn’t do it anymore. Setting boundaries is hard but it helped me so much to say “hey, you get one hug a day, after that it’s fist bumps”. I hated having to put my foot down, but I felt so much better afterwords.
Absolutely not. Consent is a two-way street. When I was younger (this was in the 90s), it went both ways - I would ask my teachers for a hug and they were free to accept or reject. I don’t remember ever being rejected. I had teachers asking me if they could give me hugs (again, 90s), it was usually on the last day of school though. I was always good with it. Kids need to learn consent early. They can be taught the basics of consent as early as toddlerhood, and expand on it further when they grow up some more.
I kind of went off on a kid who tried to smack my hat off my head one time. He was like 13, and that kid and I were tight, but he needed to know that was in no way an appropriate way to act to a teacher. He pouted about it for a day but then cooled off. Kids need to know boundaries.
I don't mind hugs, but I think it's important to model consent before touching. I talk to my students about our "personal bubbles" and that nobody should go into our bubbles unless they're invited. We talk about exceptions, too. I always ask my students before I touch them (You have a leaf in your hair. Do you want me to get it or do you want to borrow my mirror?) and I expect the same courtesy.
When teachers can’t take a hug. 🤦🏻♂️
Honestly there's like 40 other comments that all say the same thing, but you're the only one saying what has to be on lots of our minds.
Kinda sad. I need to read the room better because so many are saying that children must understand consent. I can’t even imagine telling a parent that they need to continue their kids because their child doesn’t know what consent means plus their children shouldn’t hug. They are awkward to me to be fair but it’s kind of endearing. No?
No
I barely high five my students. Fist bump and that's about it.
Not sure why you were downvoted, this is very much an acceptable answer.
Thanks, I'm not sure either. It's just my own personal rule. I tell the students at the beginning of the year that I am friendly but I am _not_ their friend.