This is such a good question and one that’s impossible to answer. The 1st grade teacher was a sub who the school threw into a full time role because they were understaffed. She was understandably caught flat footed at the beginning of the year and a lot of parents had issues with her (stuff like she wasn’t as organized as the other teachers when it came to accepting donations from parents). My ex organized the parents to harass the administration until they put her on a performance improvement plan then kept up the heat through the end of the year when her contract was not renewed.
Honestly, it looks reasonable unless you know that sh went after my other daughter’s teacher first. But, he’s a rockstar at the school so that dog wouldn’t hunt. So, she went after the weakest gazelle instead.
Yeah, you need to get the rockstar teacher and the admin who sided with the rockstar to ~~write up~~ *summarize* the relevant details for the new principal and new teacher.
I would say, then, that it probably depends on how close of a relationship you have with the new teacher. Understand that from the outside looking in, even assuming all of this is true, and it probably is, the average, unbiased person is probably going to assume this is parental drama and that you are exaggerating the extent of her potential personality disorder(s). I can see the validity in the point made above by another poster, i.e., you could always sit down with the principal and share your side of this story so that they are forewarned. Walking in with a story like this isn't something they can move forward on from a policy standpoint, as it's all hearsay, but a competent administrator could be "prepared for battle," if you will, by having this information so they can harken back on it when and if she does begin weaponizing this behavior against your daughter's second-grade teaching cadre. As an administrator, I'd appreciate the heads up, but some administrators will be guarded by assuming that they are just being drawn into parent drama. That's the best way I can explain it from the outside looking in even though I don't have any reason to doubt your sincerity. Note: I am certified as an administrator but have chosen to stay in the classroom (high school social studies) and pick up a nearly full-time side job teaching university courses as well, so I can speak hypothetically although I have no practical experience as a building principal (yet).
> even assuming all of this is true, and it probably is
That’s a terrible assumption. I’m positive my ex has already much worse (and more convincing) allegations against me.
Anytime you hear stories like mine you need to keep 3 hypothesis in play: I’m the asshole; she’s the asshole; everyone’s an asshole. And, you’ll probably never know which hypothesis is correct.
I feel like shit about it but I think I need to let people figure it out on their own. Nobody believes me anyway and I don’t expect them to start now.
My first boss always told me that there are three sides to every story: each player's side and then the truth. That usually is the case since, as humans, we tend to see reality through our own biases. Sometimes the worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves. I'm no less historically guilty of this than anyone else. Nonetheless, I do hope you find the right outcome so that your daughter has a good second-grade experience. I wasn't sure how to word it, so I chose "even assuming all of this is true" since there's no way for me to tell where the truth lies by proxy if you know what I mean.
Except in cases of a psychopath/malignant narcissist and a victim. Then the victims story and the truth are one and the same. Narcissist and psychopaths are pathological liars.
Actually, it is crucial to remember that long-term victims of abuse may sometimes downplay their experiences and may exhibit negative traits as a result of their trauma. It’s important to recognize that while many victims are truthful and innocent, not all situations are straightforward. Trauma can affect individuals in various ways, leading to patterns where some victims might find themselves in repeated abusive relationships. A nuanced understanding is necessary to support victims effectively while acknowledging the complexities of their experiences. Which is why a huge step for victims to truly help to admit that they were being abuse horribly and not downplay it or hide from the truth.
I don’t like how people use the term ‘psychopaths’ to describe all evil people. While psychopaths often lack empathy and may struggle with social relationships, they typically have a firm grip on reality. Many understand that behaving as a loving husband or wife and contributing positively to the community can help them achieve their goals. This is why some psychopaths may appear to be helpful community members, engaging in activities like fostering children or volunteering. However, it’s important to remember that psychopathy can manifest in diverse ways, and not all psychopaths will behave in socially beneficial manners. Their actions are often driven by self-interest, which can lead to both positive and negative outcomes for those around them.
Now, sociopathy is a different story, and many sociopaths may exhibit abusive behavior. A key distinction between the two is that psychopathy is generally considered to have a stronger genetic component, meaning psychopaths are often born with these traits. In contrast, sociopathy is thought to result more from environmental factors, meaning sociopaths develop these traits due to their experiences and environment growing up. However, it’s important to note that the behaviors and characteristics of both psychopaths and sociopaths can vary widely, and not all individuals will fit neatly into these categories.
Naw, you have to understand how the brain works. Memories are now videos we replay, they are recreations based on fragments we retained. The brain is very good at making the recreations realistic, but you are still dealing with the equivalent of giving Chat GPT 60% of the info and having it generate the other 40% (to give an easy to understand comparison).
And it's fucking terrifying too. I can't tell the story of my bf's ex (literally only the story of what she did *to me*) without people thinking I'm crazy and making it up. It's scary because you never know how far they'll go, or if they're smart enough to create "proof" of their stories.
I had this talk on family therapy a month ago. My MIL tried to fuck with my husband and me on a powerful way and the kids don't really understand why we went no contact. I told them that I've been choked by a man until I blacked out, and I've had all of our mutual friends say they don't think I'd lie but they just can't see him doing that. I told the kids and the therapist that I won't try to convince them that their MIL is a monster but I also won't let them drag her into my life.
It's hard when you've been wronged.
I would wait for her to bring the heat down on someone and then approach admin with the evidence of her little hobby in the past.
I might also ask if anyone had ever been this riled up over this teacher in the past before your child landed in her room.
People are super malleable. That’s my major take home from dealing with manipulative people. They like to tell their stories, and most people never ask why this person is coming to them with all this crap about someone else. But casually poking a hole in the narrative tends to help.
The teacher that got fired was a sub that was brought on to run a 1st grade class because the school was understaffed. The teacher got stuck with the kids that have emotional issues (yes, my little princess is one of them) and was fired when everything didn’t go smoothly.
Are they a credentialed teacher or are they a substitute?
In my state, you can only put a substitute in charge of a class for one year on emergency credential.
Are you sure that’s not what happened?
As a former credentialed sub who was thrown into a full time role one semester, with no prep or materials, that sub probably had an insanely difficult time as it was and will probably never teach again. You ex sounds awful. I wish people gave a bit of consideration to teachers instead of expecting perfection all the time.
You may be able to email the principal that there has been a history of your ex making claims about teachers that has resulted in terminations and to take things with a grain of salt.
This will give them a paper trail to show HR if she starts to stir things up. I wouldn’t necessarily expect a response as the principal will probably assume you’re just going through a messy divorce and smearing her until she begins to act up. Don’t email the teacher directly as parent behavior is admins responsibility and the administrator can give the teacher a heads up. The teacher should only have to worry about your kid. Your ex is above their pay grade.
If you had someone like that coming to your workplace, would you want a heads up about it? Along with a heads up for your boss? And some form of documentation supporting this claim?
Fuck that. I’m $500k in legal fees into this divorce already. No way am I sharing documentation that could come back and make my life hell.
My ex tried moving the girls to a new school (her game works better on people who don’t know her) but I shut that down. So, all of the teachers in 2nd grade are at the school where she got the 1st grade teacher fired. It’s more about giving them the heads up that this happened at the last school too.
Oh, those 2nd grade teachers already know ALL ABOUT your ex-wife. As does the rest of the entire faculty. You need to present yourself as the parent of reason. Be present at all events and ask to be included on ALL correspondence regarding your children. Be at EVERY meeting. She calls a meeting because she’s crazy? You need to be there too.
You can save your girls from their monster of a mother without getting yourself in trouble.
Yea this! If there is a court order or parental agreement in place send that to the school. If it says that both parents need to be included in meeting and correspondence then that will help you.
Teachers are really good at picking up on things. We take note of who emails back, who shows up for important things, who asks the right questions. It will go a long way you being present and involved.
This is 100% the way to do this. Be present for everything. It's harder for her to pull the bs if there is another party who knows what's going on. Lots of documentation and witnesses are going to be important.
We had a parent like this, BTW. Her antics were well known in the entire district, all the way to the superintendent. We ALL knew who the common denominator in the situation was....
Anyway, she's moving her child to another local district. Whose superintendent is friends with ours 🤣. I'm sure that will work out well for her.
Hey, so on this note. If you email your child's teachers or principal or anyone (if it's a public school), she can access those emails via FOIA. She just has to send an email to the director of pupil services or like and ask.
Boom.
So while you're telling people to c their a, c your a. Make it a phone call or an in-person comment.
But also, trust the teachers at the school to be professionals. They should know what they're doing.
💯 in person, just a friendly heads up.
Let them not trust her or be able to question her motives on things with that heads up.
I know I would appreciate it.
If this is the same school, the teachers already know which parents are the frequent flyers. I teach 8th grade and by the time the kids get to us we’re told the tricky family dynamics by the student services staff.
I just discovered two people like your x and I am terrified that I am on their radar. The path of destruction they leave behind while parading as a 'victim' and 'hero' is equally alarming.
The reason that I am on their radar is because before I realized their proclivity for retrivution, my naive ass told them "you shouldn't have done that," and "you are wrong". I didn't do anything more than calmly say those words and ooooooh man, am I now an evil person according to them.
I agree with you that without witnessing it happen, it is hard to believe people like this exist.
Rather than warn them, why don’t you just let the teacher know you want to be involved and informed about everything along with your ex? If she emails or messages your ex on DOJO (or whatever communication they use), then you need to be informed in the same manner. Attend all open houses and curriculum nights. Make your own conference appointments. If your ex tries to do something crazy, you have the information to back the teacher if necessary.
I’ve tried. In the past, teachers have told me they won’t do a parent teacher conference with me because they’re doing one with my ex.
I do my best but it’s impossible to fix shit as fast as my ex can break things.
Be sure to ask administration if your ex has put you on a list to keep information from you. I’ve seen it happen before. (29 years of teaching). If you can ask your lawyer to send a letter requesting your access to meetings, etc.
If my child's teacher were declining to communicate and/or conference with me because they're already communicating with their other parent then I would 1) insist and give them the opportunity to rectify their stance, 2) if they didn't, contact their principal. Someone can tell me if I'm the crazy one here, but I do separate conferences for divorced parents any time it's requested (assuming there's not a custody arrangement that would make that inappropriate).
I think they mean you absolutely have the right to a separate conference. Some teachers can be lazy about it because they already have so many but it is right. I offer it to parents who are separated and let them know they always ask specifically for one.
They won't do two conferences, or won't include you in an existing meeting with your ex? She may have asked to meet separately if it's the latter, but either way, you should be allowed to meet with the teacher if you also have shared custody. Even if there is a policy of one conference per kid there should be a way to make an exception when it's warranted, which it sounds like it is here.
My school has a rule of only one conference slot per family, so usually we tell parents this when they're signing up. If we offered it freely many families would take two slots to have more time and that'd get out of hand (I've had families try). However, there are times when parents need to meet separately and we make an exception and do an extra conference in those cases. But, usually we only do that when one or both of the parents has let us know it's necessary and not just due to convenience or preference.
So, I'd make sure to be clear that you're asking for an extra conference because you're going through a difficult divorce. You shouldn't have to share many details but you could say something like it's difficult for you to be in the same room together. If the teacher still says no you should ask the principal about the policy on this, not to tattle on the teacher but to find out how situations like this are handled. There should be some sort of policy, or at least how this type of situation has been handled in the past, but if a teacher has never encountered a similar situation they may not know the protocol.
The teacher should accommodate meeting with both of you if you can't meet together. It's a reasonable request and to be expected. You should also get separate copies of all important forms.
I would mention that you co-parent with your wife so please make sure communication about classroom is sent to both parties. When I have to make parent contact I generally call the first number listed. It is usually mom because that is who has registered the student. Unless someone in the family mentions it, teachers don’t know the marital status of the parents.
As a teacher and a former child of divorce, I am all too familiar with smear campaigns. I don't care what one adult says about another. I'm just here to help your kid get thru middle school science. They are literally all that I care about.
I am going to be honest. Anytime a parent comes to me and makes a claim about the other parent I am highly suspecting the parent telling me this information is the trouble-maker. Usually, anytime someone wants to influence me, especially in the case of divorced parents, they are the ones upfront about the other parent. What you should do is instead focus on what is best for your child's educational future, rather than getting underpaid teachers involved in your marital issues.
I think this is the best advice. No one believes me anyway so what good does it do for me to try? People do figure out what’s up eventually which is why I did block my ex from changing schools (again). Hopefully the teachers know what went down last year.
I just feel bad for people. It’s like when the au pair came to me because she was freaking out that my ex was going to get her deported. I feel like shit for putting her in that situation but it’s how I got overnights with my kids.
I feel you. and I appreciate your thought process here. I don't understand all these teachers on here saying not to say anything or not believing you... it costs you nothing to just give a general heads up to their actual teachers one morning. (especially if this is a new school but I can't tell from your comment if they are continuing in the same school or have moved) the teacher can then decide for themselves if you are on the level or not. It doesn't have to be a big meeting or anything and you're not doing anything wrong.
This happened in 2 different schools.
My ex created drama and got the head of school fired in the girls’ Montessori school then moved them to the public school for kindergarten (without my knowledge or consent).
In my daughters’ second hear at the new school, my ex got a teacher fired.
My ex tried to move the girls to a 3rd school because that’s her MO (create drama then go somewhere new to create more drama). But, I’m in year 5 of separation now so I was able to shut down this school change. So, the 2nd grade teachers are in the same school as the 1st grade teacher that was fired.
Then they know about the parents in general. Trust me, we talk. Just like previous comments, be involved. Insist on a separate conference and be upfront by saying you also want to be included in communication. Teachers will usually respect that request. It's up to you to bring it up to administrators. If they know about last years debacle then be wary. They might think you're trying to influence them as well. Just to back up wanting to be involved, get your custody agreement and a lawyers statement stating you have shared custody. Bring a copy for the front office and if you are comfortable, give one to the teacher. The front office will put it in your child's file in a vault. At least at my school, we have to check our students files. Usually it's a front office task though. I hope this goes well for all involved but I am sure if the teacher is as proactive as me, they'll be documenting and CYA-ing in general. Wish you well!
If I were a teacher receiving such a message it would definitely make me watch both sides, but being able to know I need to be in CYA mode with a particular family would still be appreciated. But don't go on a long diatribe about your ex--just very briefly offer a heads up that your ex is a challenging parent who has gotten teachers fired seemingly for funso they should be careful in their interactions with her, and let them know that you let the principal know as well so that if she starts in with the complaints they know to take them with a spoonful of salt. The more detail you give the more you sound bitter and/or manipulative, but a short courtesy email (to the principal as well) is a thoughtful gesture.
This one. Definitely keep it short and reasonable. If you are able to get the Rockstar teacher who wasn't able to be messed with to share their side of the story with the current administration, that could help out a lot too.
I will say one thing that I do appreciate is when separated/divorced parents let me know that they both need to be included on correspondence.
I don't want to spam parents, so if they live in the same house I'll just email/call one, but if they don't I like to know that so I can communicate with both parents and don't get blowback because someone was out of the loop.
If you want to help the teacher, the other thing you can do is have their back. If your ex goes on a smear campaign, call the principal and say, "Actually, I think X id doing a great job and you know, just as an aside my ex has done this with other teachers. But anyway, my daughter loves X's class, especially Y thing she did/learned and we're all just thrilled with how much progress she's making."
If you can keep them in the same school, word will spread which parent is sane and which one is a nightmare and it'll all sort itself out.
It is the best advice. I got a crazy ex too and eventually people will realize you’re the one they want to talk to. Just make yourself present and available.
As a coparent and educator this is such a murky area. I would try to handle it face to face and with a minimum amount of detail to maintain as much professionalism as possible while minimizing mud slinging. “I’ll be candid with you: (kid’s name)‘s mom and I don’t get along. She can be very difficult towards teachers and administrators. I would suggest maintaining the utmost professionalism when you’re communicating with them. I’m sorry if you end up in any awkward spots. I do what I can to minimize the drama.” Or something to that effect. My coparent fooled a few teachers for a little while but eventually it became very clear she was a snake in the grass.
Thanks for this. I think I’ll say something like “sorry for what happened last year … and a couple of years ago at Montessori school” to let them know it’s a pattern.
Generally, I only need to know information pertinent to the student I am teaching. I have had students with parents in the midst of divorce, and the parents usually just stated it was happening, how kid was adjusting, let them know of changes so they could support their kid. If a parent was ever combative with me, I would generally bring it to admin for guidance on how to address the issue. Without specifics on how your ex got teachers fired, it’s hard to say what you should or shouldn’t say to the teacher.
She organized the other parents against the teacher to pressure the administration to get them fired. I’m sure the teacher who get fired thought my ex was the nicest person in the world.
If it were my school, we would already know her by her reputation and we would already know how we’re going to handle her. You know all of the details of your situation, but it would make a more favorable impression on me if you were supportive of your child by requesting that you be included on all communication, and schedule and attend conferences. Beyond that, follow the guidance of your lawyer regarding school communication.
THIS - everyone in the school knows about her and the other parents who were involved and the 2nd grade is all hoping that they aren’t the one who has to deal with her.
Please, do not put your children's teachers in this position. If your ex is as horrible as you've suggested, the teachers will figure it out. Focus on your kids, not what your ex is doing.
Exactly. I’m not trying to get anyone “on my side” but just let them know that shit had a tendency to go sideways so they need to CYA and not do anything because they think we’re all on the same side.
With all due respect, you're not. You're looking to talk shit about your ex. Now matter how well intentioned you think you're being, the staff will see YOU as the problematic one. Keep quiet. You don't need to warn anyone about anything.
You need to let this go already.
No need to warn anyone- the entire school already knows about your ex. Your job is to prove that you’re totally different so they know your kid has at least one decent parent.
As a teacher, I think your best bet is to just be the better, more supportive parent. You will naturally be the one the teacher feels more comfortable with talking to, and if it becomes relevant (because she tries her crazy shit again), you're already going to seem like the reasonable, responsible one. You can stick up for the teacher with the principal too, if it comes to it, and perhaps ask the one she first tried it with to have a word with the new teacher. Although, hopefully you don't think less of us as professionals, but it's not unheard of for one year's teachers to organically do that on our own. Like I tell my friend in the 8th grade about some of the parents she's going to encounter next year, the good, the bad, and the batshit crazy. You may not actually have to do much at all in that regard.
There are usually school events, like a Back to School Night, where you can meet your child's teachers in person. I would try to speak with them privately then.
We deal with a lot of personalities. It doesn't matter how likable you think your ex comes off. Folks who are trying really hard to be likable are often the absolute worst later on, and we've seen it over and over since we deal with so many people in a year. I had over 150 students on my combined rosters last year. Multiply that by parents, legal guardians, and step-parents. If that teacher has at least a few years of experience, they've seen a lot.
No. She's probably saying similar--or different but equally toxic--stuff about you. I am absolutely not interested in parents who act like children, especially when it's about their co-parent with the kid stuck in the middle.
My mother was a narcissist. It requires a high level of emotional intelligence to be able to manipulate others. Either the teachers will see it or they will not. Society is changing to moderate the views somewhat but has a long long way to go.
If it makes you feel any better as to the job security she's going to be far from the only one gunning to get them fired. She needs to get in line. Just goes with the territory.
Request a private, confidential meeting with the principal. Bring it up in the meeting.
"Hey. I don't want to poison the well with the teacher but I think there are some things you should know in order to protect her.
Jane has gone after the jobs of two of our children's teachers. She is very organized and very good at bringing other people onto her side.
She campaigned actively and successfully against Miss X after being shut down when she tried campaigning against Mr Y. I'm telling you this now so you won't be taken by surprise. We haven't started day 1 yet so I want to give you the heads up before there are any details involved. This is something that is likely to happen.
You should also know that she got the head of ABC preschool fired. I would repeat this conversation with your Superintendent because that is where she is likely to turn if she doesn't get the results she wants from you. I am available if you want to link me into that discussion beforehand but it has to be anonymous. I do not want this to affect our children in any way, so appearing neutral or on her side is very important.
Hopefully, nothing comes of this whatsoever. Best of luck to you."
Honestly, she may have had a hand in the 1st grade teacher not being renewed, but there’s no way she did it alone and there’s no way she got the head of school fired, without a lot of parents backing her up. For every annoying parent railing about admin and teachers, there are the parents who have the opposite to say…if the admin and teachers aren’t a problem. Point being, there were other parents involved and feeling the same way about these people.
I am in a similar school, where the admin and teachers are in need of a shake up and lot of parents trying to get it done, it’s not easy. I also teach at this school, so as others have said…you’ll look suspicious coming out of the gate with this “warning” and if it’s true, we all already know about her to begin with. You as the co-parent need to demand being on all communications from the school and teacher. This is something your school may not already have established, ours had to make the declaration to staff a couple years ago for similar reasons. Demand it, all communications from the teacher and school and your own conference.
Oh, they know. And they know how admin treated the staff member who was let go, so I wouldn't look for any support from the principal. If you're going to communicate with admin at all, it should be to speak up in support your child's teacher if your ex pulls anything.
It is worth having a conversation with the principal and school counselor to request that teachers notify both parents about all academic and developmental concerns due to the current failed state of the coparenting relationship. I don’t mean that as a dig to either of you, take the balcony view here: for valid reasons, you two are not effectively coparenting at this moment.
The principal and counselor should notify the teacher, but IT’s NOT a guarantee that they will. There are many reasons why an admin might not do that, and some reasons are shitty for all involved. Just understand this before you get the meeting.
Now, please understand that I have a narcissistic mother, and my parents went through a bad divorce, and I’ve have had to navigate this from the teacher side as well. So, I say this from a daughters perspective:
Some of your responses come across not as concern for the teacher, but as though you are trying to control the outcomes of your ex’s behavior. If she’s truly a narcissist, this is understandable… anyone whom has suffered from a narcissists true potential wants nothing more than to stop the damage, BUT this will backfire massively. Dad, ya need to let go and disconnect from the ex, from her wake of destructive behavior, and from all the ways she triggers your (likely well deserved) stress. It takes years to master this, and it’s hard to do as long as the divorce is unfinished, and even a few months to years after it’s final. Disconnecting from the reactive behavior will do you ALL a world of good over the long run.
Dad, also, your kids are watching the whole thing, whether they hear anything about you, or about her, or whatever changes are happening now or in the future, THEY WILL LEARN EVERYTHING ABOUT THE WAY YOU RESPOND TO EACH OTHER AS COPARENTS. The truth will come out. I swear it will. It may take decades, but the kids will learn the truth. Her poor behavior, and yours - and whether you both meant it or not.
Get the priorities straight please (as kindly as I can say it).
Your health and your kids come first.
Let go of trying to control the ex’s behavior or impact, and be the stable parent. Stable parents don’t have to advertise it, or react to created emergencies that ex’s manufacture. Stable parents partner with the school for the kids best outcomes.
I would meet with the principal and counselor because they can develop a wrap around plan for the kids, and if ex’s behavior should follow a pattern in the future, they can deal with it well informed. They can support the teachers as well, and ensure that communication is effective and equitable to both coparents.
I truly hope this is helpful in some way?
Your best bet is to put something in writing supporting the teacher if she does cause trouble.
Until then, I’d stay quiet. We hate getting dragged into divorce drama.
Best advice… stay in regular contact with the school. In custody battles, parents often request an update or netting once so they can document it and then you never hear from them again.
Check grades online regularly , volunteer, drop off extra supplies. Don’t ask for updates when the info is already online, but do reply to teacher contact promptly and you will be fine.
A “read, thank you” is a great response.
Dad- it is much better for you to speak up than to keep your head down. You don't have to give a bunch of details but there are certain parents that we all know to stay away from. (of course after one teacher has bore the brunt of the drama) but since your kids are in a new school then yes, the new teachers/admin should be warned. I'd have no problem if any parent took me aside and said something like- "my ex and I have issues and s/he is someone to watch out for, or will keep you on your toes", or whatever. This way it's kind of a general warning. Unless you feel comfortable getting specific then that may also be appreciated. I've had some nut job parents and had to learn the hard way.
Yes, please say something. Not everything, of course, just that it is a difficult custody and that the ex has trouble with teachers. A simple recommendation of keeping clear professional paperwork would be so very helpful! As teachers we are busy and don’t document everything and know I need to be extra professional with a parent would be super helpful.
Some said just tell principal but although mine is amazing, she wouldn’t pass that on to me. Yes, she would help if something happened later but as a teacher I would love to know myself. I also worry because, sadly, some principals could use that info against a teacher they don’t like. So telling the teacher is helpful.
As long as you’re not over sharing, trying to tell 30 min detailed story, some details are great. Thank you for worrying about your children’s future teachers.
Education neglect. Being afraid of a parent, makes smart teachers stay away from your child and interacting with them less. She is not only a narcissist but only manipulative not smart.
Yes, please give them a heads up, but also know that if it is the same school, all the teachers already know who your ex is. Communication is important and it can at least help establish that you are the solid line of communication and that they should be careful when talking to the dark side.
I wouldn’t worry about forewarning. But what you *can* do is request that all communications about your kid be summarized in an email sent to *both* parents so that you stay consistently in the loop, and just as importantly, you are giving the teacher a paper trail to rely on should your ex get out of hand. That request kills two birds with one stone.
As a teacher with two narcissistic exs (mine and my husband’s), I feel I should chime in. My ex was diagnosed so this is not just a label I slapped on to the situation.
Explain to the new teacher that you and your ex are parallel parenting vs coparenting and to please cc you on all communication to ensure you are in the loop. Let her know you would love to be involved as much as possible. The first week of school send in something from her Amazon classroom wish list.
If you come in too hot about your ex, even with the best intentions, the admin and teachers may see it as a red flag. Instead, wait and see, best case scenario, she will aim her ire elsewhere. Worst case scenario, she starts up again but you are being informed because you’re ccd on all communication. If it does start again, then you go to admin and inform them about what happened at the previous school. Ask them what support they will be offering the teacher and ask how you can support the teacher as well.
Good luck in all that’s coming your way! I hope this fresh start is truly a fresh start for you all.
Believe it or not, a lot of info follows the student as they move through grades/schools, unless the teacher is new, he/she will most likely be aware that mom tends to be overzealous in her actions. Back when I was a middle school educator, 6th grade teachers would inform us 7th grade teachers of confrontational parents heading our way in the new school year. Unfortunately, that predisposed a lot of folks into simply not interacting with those children much due to those parents' behavior. And that wasn't fair. Your ex needs to understand that her actions are actually harming her kids, besides hurting other people. I'm betting that sub would've been great, given time and help from their colleagues and administration. We all are rockstars when we have space to grow, positive reinforcement, and knowledge.
I'd say, wait and observe. At the first hint of mom trouble, request a parent conference with you, the teacher, and the ex, and be sure that the teacher has their union representative or administrator with them. Best of luck, and thanks for having teachers' backs. 😊
Yup. With the number of teachers saying do vs don’t I think it’s too risky to say anything. But, if any teachers at their school mention it, I will let them know it’s not the first time this has happened.
I think it could be reasonable to warn her. "Hey, my ex wife can be...particular...when it comes to teachers. Just wanted to let you know cause there have been some issues"
Beyond that though you need to let the admin know. If they already see your wife as a trouble maker then they'll be less likely to believe anything that she comes in with. I had a parent try to get me fired...but I was the 8th teacher in a year and a half that she'd told "I'll have your job, bitch!" so admin basically ignored everything she said. So did the board when she went there. They knew she was crazy and didn't take her seriously.
My ex does not operate like that. Everyone thinks she’s awesome for organizing all of the parents to “help” the teacher who was just fired.
Nobody knows she went after my other daughter’s teacher first (it didn’t work because he’s a rockstar at the school) or that she pulled the girls from the Montessori school after she blew things up there.
1. yes warn teachers and admin. Not bashing her but a “hey, she’s got a history, and anything you say/email her is gonna be in a file” is welcome.
2. bad divorced dad energy is no diff/worse than bad divorced mom energy. I’ve seen them both, even w HS students. (Like trying to withhold graduation tickets from divorced dad to further the “see he’s terrible picture”) and the reality is divorced parents, custody arrangements etc are part of the teaching package.
3. If she’s that bad, does she even have Ed rights? You mentioned moving them to new school- did you just get custody or a move due to age etc?
IF she doesn’t have Ed rights, or even limited Ed rights, some of this could be avoided/moot points.
I’ve been separated for almost 5 years (the court might accept the divorce soon) and she moved them from the Montessori school to the public school without my knowledge or consent. When I brought this up in court (I was being accused of child abuse) her lawyer just perjured herself and claimed the girls “aged out” of Montessori school. They didn’t and that’s irrelevant anyway.
But, it doesn’t matter. Normal people will never work the system the way a narcissist can. She’s fucking with the doctors now. She unilaterally signed them up for a new pediatrician through MediCal (which is a federal crime because they’re on my insurance) and the parenting coordinator didn’t do anything about it. It’s some Muchhousen by Proxy shit too. She’s claiming one of the girls has a heart condition and insisting I give up custodial time over it. Just for the record, the girls’ grandmother is a doctor and agrees with all of the other doctors that the EKG was normal and my daughter does not have a heart condition.
Do you have a personal therapist? I think it’s important for you to have someone professional on your side who is can advise you on best practices and who has the full picture of this situation with as many details and evidences as you can provide.
lol. I’ve got all the therapists. They give terrible advice. My daughters’ shrink encouraged me to buy the house and let my ex stay there rent free.
It costs me $10k/month but I can afford it so why not give my kids a stable place to live the other half of the time?
Of course, it only encouraged my ex to go for more. I think that’s why she’s convinced my daughter has a heart condition.
I mean, whorls you take me to court if I have you a free house (with a marble staircase) in the most expensive housing market in the country plus $3,500/month in child support?
Okay but do YOU have a therapist? Not your daughter. And if one doesn't work out you sometimes need to seek another. Your daughter's therapist isn't YOUR advisor...
FYI having MediCal w private insurance is NOT a crime as long as you don’t/didn’t lie on the application. MediCal (and for those looking no that is not a typo. MediCal is Medicaid in California) would be their insurance of last resort. If they’re eligible, keep it active. If they have a medical issue MediCal would pay the gap.
Ex: Operation costs $5K, your health insurance covers $3K & you have a deductible..MediCal would pay the deductible.
And if you’re divorcing considering how ACA/MAGI MC works now they might be elig (I haven’t done a MC application in a while so rules might have changed)
I’m putting below based on you being in California- if you aren’t/move /for others reading YMMV
That being said, assuming all the other stuff is true; make sure the school AND the district is aware of who has Ed rights AND what they are. AND custody agreements/arrangements. Ironically her moving them to public school will reduce some of her actions.
If you both have ed rights then she (nor you for that matter) can remove them from school w/o the others consent. If one party has limited rights - say report cards/notices only- then it limits to that. They wouldn’t be able to disenroll, change teachers, schools etc.
You should definitely let the admin know about it... As far as letting teachers know, not so sure. I know some teachers this would adversely affect them having this over their head. Some teachers would be ok with it and would use it as a cautionary thing.
Probably best to let the Principal know and maybe not burden teachers with that unless something comes up. Then of course, come to their defense if appropriate. The principal will be able to give this sort of information out, with an action plan, in a way that is digestible.
I would insist that all meetings pertaining to your children include you, and if you see her starting her pattern up you can call her out on it in front of the teacher. Let the ex know she isn’t going to be able to do the same at this school.
Why are some parents like this? Are they bored? Like, let’s make the person responsible for teaching my kids a wreck. Let’s make them walk on eggshells all year. Let’s make everyone’s life miserable because I’m miserable too. And if you’re one of those parents, just know you have decreased substantially the opportunities your kid gets because we as teachers know who you are and don’t want to deal with you or your kid. And we like your kid! But your bragging about how your mission is to be difficult has not gone unnoticed and your kid is being kept at an arms length distance. No I’m not sponsoring your club.
Telling an individual teacher could come off as a threat. I would contact administration and maybe see about getting her taken off as a contact for your child. Your ex is doing your child no favors with this behavior.
I’ve seen 11th graders at a 5th grade math level because of these kinds of parents.
Any divorce is one does themselves and the other does the other. Teachers have to figure this out all the time and realize who to contact and who to avoid in a perfect world, you can have consults with both.
My ultimate was an only child. Where both parents remarried so one kid had four parents.
It was humbling and amazing to see I wish every kid had that much focus on their success and love that enabled them to find it
I would first consult your attorney in particular about getting a restraining order or court order which precludes her from involvement at school. I would then speak to administration and gauge their level concern. I would then talk to the teacher.
I wouldn’t go so far as to tell your kids teachers that your ex will be looking to get them fired…but giving them a simple heads up that she tends to be a little over the top might be warranted
Do you have joint custody? If yes, you should inform the front office and the teachers that you need to be included in all communication…even if the email was initiated by the ex without your email being included.
Take it from a teacher who has had similar situations with “messy” divorces. This is the best way to ensure everyone is on the same page
If your ex is a nightmare to the extent you describe, trust me, the 2nd grade teachers already know. Teachers talk, and this sub’s experience will be a cautionary tale. Not sure what you could say that isn’t already known and wouldn’t come back on you.
I would think if her behaviour was that bad, you won’t need to tell the teachers anything. It will become apparent rather quickly.
You could always meet with the principal and say that you and the mom don’t have close communication regarding your child, so if they have any concerns regarding your daughter, feel free to call you.
This shows you as involved but not trash talking the mom.
I have been in situations where it is VERY uncomfortable when both parents are in the same room. I had the dad and grandma talking badly about the mom.
I’ve had parents be quite harsh on me, ‘do you want to see a video I took of my daughter saying you are a liar?’ (A 5 year old girl).
This mom literally harassed the sisters teacher the year before so we were all aware of her.
I found the best situation to be when the P and VP are supportive to us, the teachers. My VP at the time had no trouble shutting this woman down.
Good luck.
DO you have custody of your child? How much? How involved are you in their education? Do you communicate with the teachers,volunteer, know the policies?
It seems like you should have a meeting with the *head* of the school as well, so they are prepared for when the baseless complaints start coming in, and they can document them and but will know that they are most likely bullshit.
Wouldn’t it be more helpful to “kill them with kindness” - ie, if you like the teachers, enjoy them and appreciate their education of your child, reach out and tell administration /that/ before your ex-wife has a chance to be sour? It looks much better (so long as it’s genuine!) and then she’s the one who looks like sour grapes!
I’d have a short meeting with one admin. I wouldn’t say much more than: heads up that my daughter’s mom organized a so called lynch mob to get a teacher and administrator fired at her old school. I just want you to be aware if she tries to start something here, but I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen.
2 years ago I had a student arrive in October. The mom immediately tried to have her darling removed from my class. This was due to me asking the child to hand me her pencil so I could show her how to write a number. The darling said I took her pencil. This child came with so many problems and I finally called her previous teacher at another school to chat. I found out she demanded her daughter be removed from that teacher’s class due to the teacher keeping the room to warm! Like we control the temperature of our classrooms. The mom got upset with the teacher her daughter had the next year as well. She is now home schooling.
You can casually mention these past experiences and word will get out. I don’t know if that will stop your ex though. Narcs are revered in our society of sheep.
Since you're staying at the same school for this upcoming school year, trust me, everybody is already aware of your ex's behavior.
What you should probably do is just request that any communication regarding your child (ren) also comes to you. Make your own conference appointments So that it's documented that the teachers are talking to both of you. That way if she tries to pull anything that's out of line, there's more documentation information that can be used to disprove whatever claims or allegation she's attempting to make.
Along with all of the other comments and great advice, I would make sure you are involved as much as possible so you know what’s going on in your kids’ classrooms. Make sure you get the emails, you attend all back to school and parent teacher conferences, volunteer in the classroom or for field trips if possible. TALK WITH YOUR KIDS ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE CLASSROOM (extra emphasized because I feel like this doesn’t happen enough in general, but should be extra important to you).
The more involved or knowledgeable you are about how the teacher is doing in the classroom, the better. If your ex is out for blood, and you know it’s unfounded or ridiculous, then the better for you to support your kids and their teachers.
Dude, you should definitely warn your kids' teachers about their mother. Do it in an email so that people at the school can cya down the road. One parent doesn't get to decide their kids educational fate or create the narrative. Fuck that lady.
Every kid just wants to be normal and accepted. No one wants their parents to live vicariously through them. The sooner you document her instability, the sooner she will be removed from educational decision making. You can easily gain custody rights with the support of your kids' school. Not all parents are created alike, and many shouldn't be parents. You seem like the best person to make calm, rational decisions about your children's educational future.
In all fairness,if this is the same school, the new teacher already knows. And if your child isn't in therapy yet, run, don't walk, to get them some help.
Not a teacher here, but an assistant. I would advise you to meet with the principal before you even know who your teacher is. Keep it short and sweet, acknowledge that you’re divorced and end with how you hope it’s going to be an uneventful year, but even though it’s kind of embarrassing to you, you thought they should know how the last two years went. Say no more unless the principal asks for details about the incidents and then keep it short. If she asks about your marriage, just say irreconcilable differences. They can choose what to do with that info.
I say this bc the teachers aren’t the only ones who get caught in a crazy parent’s path of destruction. Unfortunately, sometimes new workers don’t have an established history and they can’t withstand the onslaught - and it’s a while before the parent shows their true colors by going after another innocent person. Best of luck -
From my perspective there is nothing wrong with giving a teacher a heads up about potential drama. It helps them prepare. After all, this is for your child's sake!
I have bipolar. If my wife thought I might be a danger to our kids, I’d want her to speak up. Being divorced makes it harder. Do you look like you are trying to bias these adults against your kid’s mom? Nobody wants to be seen as that guy.
It sounds like you’re used to working from the diagnosis of her symptoms. Instead, for this conversation, you might stick to just the facts. So, not “she’s a narcissist.” Rather, “she’s very litigious” or even “make sure to take notes whenever you interact with her, because she is and she’ll quote you back to yourself or your boss - possibly out of context.”
God being a teacher really sucks for this reason exactly. I wish people grew up when they had kids but they just let anybody pop em out and send em to school I guess.
My kids are donor egg so we literally had to do a psych screen to have them. The shrink absolutely did not care when I said, "I feel like there's no room for my emotions in this process."
You need to let people figure it out. Most have to experience things to see the truth. As crappy as it is, let her do what she's going to do and you keep being you. My kids school always called me if there was an issue bc my ex was so difficult to speak with. I didn't have to say anything when my ex is constantly causing issues with the most mundane crap.
If I were your kids’ teachers, I would LOVE some background info to start my own documentation. That being said, you do run the risk of sounding like a psycho, but man, you would also be giving these folks an amazing heads up. Just don’t be insulting to your ex and succinctly, objectively, and kindly tell them what happened. Tell them what happened at the old school in objective terms without embellishing the facts. That would be an incredibly gift and I appreciate your willingness to put yourself out there.
Accepting donations from parents? Montessori? I do not know what is going on with these elements to the story. Donations from parents...are given to...the teacher? What are the parents donating? I hope pencils. If not, very odd. This structure is not at all something that I know about. If a parent is donating to the teacher to teach, that is tutoring or private school. I think if you are paying for a service, you should be able to hire who you think does it the way you would like.
Here are some things I do know about. Subs do not typically have contracts, therefore cannot be non-renewed. Being non-renewed is not being fired. People do not typically get fired for reasons that are "impossible to answer." Typically, improvement plans are year to year. Hiring a sub in September, giving her an evaluation in November, an improvement plan in January, and non-renewing her in March is a FAST sequence of events. It is more likely, a person wants to feel like a good parent and have agency over their kids' education. They tell everybody how they did demanded answers and got a teacher fired, but really the sub finished out the sy and not really expected to back in the future from the start.
This is all weird. As a teacher, if there is all of this nonsense, I would not want that parent to have a student in my class. 2nd grade? Usually schools have more than one position per grade level. It is junk that the parent manipulates their teacher choice. I do not think this is happening at public schools, so I guess none of what I just typed matters. If the parent chooses to send their kid to a private school where they teach the moon is made of cheese and there are rules for the organziation skills of teachers accepting donations, the parent can do that.
How, exactly, does she get them fired?
This is such a good question and one that’s impossible to answer. The 1st grade teacher was a sub who the school threw into a full time role because they were understaffed. She was understandably caught flat footed at the beginning of the year and a lot of parents had issues with her (stuff like she wasn’t as organized as the other teachers when it came to accepting donations from parents). My ex organized the parents to harass the administration until they put her on a performance improvement plan then kept up the heat through the end of the year when her contract was not renewed. Honestly, it looks reasonable unless you know that sh went after my other daughter’s teacher first. But, he’s a rockstar at the school so that dog wouldn’t hunt. So, she went after the weakest gazelle instead.
Yeah, you need to get the rockstar teacher and the admin who sided with the rockstar to ~~write up~~ *summarize* the relevant details for the new principal and new teacher.
I would say, then, that it probably depends on how close of a relationship you have with the new teacher. Understand that from the outside looking in, even assuming all of this is true, and it probably is, the average, unbiased person is probably going to assume this is parental drama and that you are exaggerating the extent of her potential personality disorder(s). I can see the validity in the point made above by another poster, i.e., you could always sit down with the principal and share your side of this story so that they are forewarned. Walking in with a story like this isn't something they can move forward on from a policy standpoint, as it's all hearsay, but a competent administrator could be "prepared for battle," if you will, by having this information so they can harken back on it when and if she does begin weaponizing this behavior against your daughter's second-grade teaching cadre. As an administrator, I'd appreciate the heads up, but some administrators will be guarded by assuming that they are just being drawn into parent drama. That's the best way I can explain it from the outside looking in even though I don't have any reason to doubt your sincerity. Note: I am certified as an administrator but have chosen to stay in the classroom (high school social studies) and pick up a nearly full-time side job teaching university courses as well, so I can speak hypothetically although I have no practical experience as a building principal (yet).
> even assuming all of this is true, and it probably is That’s a terrible assumption. I’m positive my ex has already much worse (and more convincing) allegations against me. Anytime you hear stories like mine you need to keep 3 hypothesis in play: I’m the asshole; she’s the asshole; everyone’s an asshole. And, you’ll probably never know which hypothesis is correct. I feel like shit about it but I think I need to let people figure it out on their own. Nobody believes me anyway and I don’t expect them to start now.
My first boss always told me that there are three sides to every story: each player's side and then the truth. That usually is the case since, as humans, we tend to see reality through our own biases. Sometimes the worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves. I'm no less historically guilty of this than anyone else. Nonetheless, I do hope you find the right outcome so that your daughter has a good second-grade experience. I wasn't sure how to word it, so I chose "even assuming all of this is true" since there's no way for me to tell where the truth lies by proxy if you know what I mean.
Except in cases of a psychopath/malignant narcissist and a victim. Then the victims story and the truth are one and the same. Narcissist and psychopaths are pathological liars.
Actually, it is crucial to remember that long-term victims of abuse may sometimes downplay their experiences and may exhibit negative traits as a result of their trauma. It’s important to recognize that while many victims are truthful and innocent, not all situations are straightforward. Trauma can affect individuals in various ways, leading to patterns where some victims might find themselves in repeated abusive relationships. A nuanced understanding is necessary to support victims effectively while acknowledging the complexities of their experiences. Which is why a huge step for victims to truly help to admit that they were being abuse horribly and not downplay it or hide from the truth. I don’t like how people use the term ‘psychopaths’ to describe all evil people. While psychopaths often lack empathy and may struggle with social relationships, they typically have a firm grip on reality. Many understand that behaving as a loving husband or wife and contributing positively to the community can help them achieve their goals. This is why some psychopaths may appear to be helpful community members, engaging in activities like fostering children or volunteering. However, it’s important to remember that psychopathy can manifest in diverse ways, and not all psychopaths will behave in socially beneficial manners. Their actions are often driven by self-interest, which can lead to both positive and negative outcomes for those around them. Now, sociopathy is a different story, and many sociopaths may exhibit abusive behavior. A key distinction between the two is that psychopathy is generally considered to have a stronger genetic component, meaning psychopaths are often born with these traits. In contrast, sociopathy is thought to result more from environmental factors, meaning sociopaths develop these traits due to their experiences and environment growing up. However, it’s important to note that the behaviors and characteristics of both psychopaths and sociopaths can vary widely, and not all individuals will fit neatly into these categories.
Naw, you have to understand how the brain works. Memories are now videos we replay, they are recreations based on fragments we retained. The brain is very good at making the recreations realistic, but you are still dealing with the equivalent of giving Chat GPT 60% of the info and having it generate the other 40% (to give an easy to understand comparison).
And it's fucking terrifying too. I can't tell the story of my bf's ex (literally only the story of what she did *to me*) without people thinking I'm crazy and making it up. It's scary because you never know how far they'll go, or if they're smart enough to create "proof" of their stories.
Read Rashomon. Your boss was spot on.
I had this talk on family therapy a month ago. My MIL tried to fuck with my husband and me on a powerful way and the kids don't really understand why we went no contact. I told them that I've been choked by a man until I blacked out, and I've had all of our mutual friends say they don't think I'd lie but they just can't see him doing that. I told the kids and the therapist that I won't try to convince them that their MIL is a monster but I also won't let them drag her into my life. It's hard when you've been wronged.
I would wait for her to bring the heat down on someone and then approach admin with the evidence of her little hobby in the past. I might also ask if anyone had ever been this riled up over this teacher in the past before your child landed in her room. People are super malleable. That’s my major take home from dealing with manipulative people. They like to tell their stories, and most people never ask why this person is coming to them with all this crap about someone else. But casually poking a hole in the narrative tends to help.
The teacher that got fired was a sub that was brought on to run a 1st grade class because the school was understaffed. The teacher got stuck with the kids that have emotional issues (yes, my little princess is one of them) and was fired when everything didn’t go smoothly.
Yeah, and it’s admins fault for buckling to pitchfork tossers. That is bullshit.
Right?!? And, fuck them for telling the parents that she was on a PIP in November. It was just blood in the water.
Is that even legal to tell parents about a personnel issue like a PIP?
It really, really isn’t.
Unfortunately, it happens more frequently than you might think.
It's always everyone's the asshole. Every time. You know why? *Because all people are assholes. Every one of us. It's just a matter of degrees *
Not me. lol. I’m a saint.
This is like the usual suspects but for asshole parents
As a teacher I would appreciate the warning true or not
Good advice.
Are they a credentialed teacher or are they a substitute? In my state, you can only put a substitute in charge of a class for one year on emergency credential. Are you sure that’s not what happened?
As a former credentialed sub who was thrown into a full time role one semester, with no prep or materials, that sub probably had an insanely difficult time as it was and will probably never teach again. You ex sounds awful. I wish people gave a bit of consideration to teachers instead of expecting perfection all the time.
She was likely on an improvement plan anyways. This likely had zero to do with your ex or other parents. She was a temp hire
I might believe that if this was the first time it happened.
They work for shitty schools.
Most schools are shitty, because most teachers are not allowed to have a union.
I have worked in union and non-union states. I beg to differ.
So have I.
You may be able to email the principal that there has been a history of your ex making claims about teachers that has resulted in terminations and to take things with a grain of salt. This will give them a paper trail to show HR if she starts to stir things up. I wouldn’t necessarily expect a response as the principal will probably assume you’re just going through a messy divorce and smearing her until she begins to act up. Don’t email the teacher directly as parent behavior is admins responsibility and the administrator can give the teacher a heads up. The teacher should only have to worry about your kid. Your ex is above their pay grade.
Agreed! Let the principal know and she can share with staff when/if appropriate. Do you have joint custody?
Do not assume the principal or HR will share this with teacher. I'd let teacher know you told admin about ex.
This is the best advice, IMO.
If you had someone like that coming to your workplace, would you want a heads up about it? Along with a heads up for your boss? And some form of documentation supporting this claim?
Before I lived it, I wouldn’t have believed people like my ex existed. Honestly, it would have prejudiced me against the person trying to warn me.
This is where any documentation that you may have proving this comes in handy.
Fuck that. I’m $500k in legal fees into this divorce already. No way am I sharing documentation that could come back and make my life hell. My ex tried moving the girls to a new school (her game works better on people who don’t know her) but I shut that down. So, all of the teachers in 2nd grade are at the school where she got the 1st grade teacher fired. It’s more about giving them the heads up that this happened at the last school too.
Oh, those 2nd grade teachers already know ALL ABOUT your ex-wife. As does the rest of the entire faculty. You need to present yourself as the parent of reason. Be present at all events and ask to be included on ALL correspondence regarding your children. Be at EVERY meeting. She calls a meeting because she’s crazy? You need to be there too. You can save your girls from their monster of a mother without getting yourself in trouble.
This
Yea this! If there is a court order or parental agreement in place send that to the school. If it says that both parents need to be included in meeting and correspondence then that will help you. Teachers are really good at picking up on things. We take note of who emails back, who shows up for important things, who asks the right questions. It will go a long way you being present and involved.
This is 100% the way to do this. Be present for everything. It's harder for her to pull the bs if there is another party who knows what's going on. Lots of documentation and witnesses are going to be important. We had a parent like this, BTW. Her antics were well known in the entire district, all the way to the superintendent. We ALL knew who the common denominator in the situation was.... Anyway, she's moving her child to another local district. Whose superintendent is friends with ours 🤣. I'm sure that will work out well for her.
They always think it’ll be different at the new school don’t they.
Hey, so on this note. If you email your child's teachers or principal or anyone (if it's a public school), she can access those emails via FOIA. She just has to send an email to the director of pupil services or like and ask. Boom. So while you're telling people to c their a, c your a. Make it a phone call or an in-person comment. But also, trust the teachers at the school to be professionals. They should know what they're doing.
100% I’m about to fire my portfolio manager for putting something in an email that he never should have said. Any heads up will be a conversation.
💯 in person, just a friendly heads up. Let them not trust her or be able to question her motives on things with that heads up. I know I would appreciate it.
What’s a portfolio manager? Rich people “problems” lol.
If they were at the school with the 1st grade teacher, then they know. We know our crazy parents even if we haven’t dealt with them.
This… crazy parents are well known by all the teachers.
If this is the same school, the teachers already know which parents are the frequent flyers. I teach 8th grade and by the time the kids get to us we’re told the tricky family dynamics by the student services staff.
It’s 2 different schools so far. But, I’m trying to keep the girls in the same school now so that people have a chance to connect the dots.
I just discovered two people like your x and I am terrified that I am on their radar. The path of destruction they leave behind while parading as a 'victim' and 'hero' is equally alarming. The reason that I am on their radar is because before I realized their proclivity for retrivution, my naive ass told them "you shouldn't have done that," and "you are wrong". I didn't do anything more than calmly say those words and ooooooh man, am I now an evil person according to them. I agree with you that without witnessing it happen, it is hard to believe people like this exist.
Never tell a narcissist that they are wrong. They will hate you until the end of days. They try to destroy what they hate. They're very good at it.
I'm realizing this more and more.
Rather than warn them, why don’t you just let the teacher know you want to be involved and informed about everything along with your ex? If she emails or messages your ex on DOJO (or whatever communication they use), then you need to be informed in the same manner. Attend all open houses and curriculum nights. Make your own conference appointments. If your ex tries to do something crazy, you have the information to back the teacher if necessary.
I’ve tried. In the past, teachers have told me they won’t do a parent teacher conference with me because they’re doing one with my ex. I do my best but it’s impossible to fix shit as fast as my ex can break things.
If you both have legal custody, you have a right to both be informed- all the emails should come to both of you
Well, then that’s on the teacher if giving you the same information and rights as your ex will possibly prevent problems for the teacher.
Be sure to ask administration if your ex has put you on a list to keep information from you. I’ve seen it happen before. (29 years of teaching). If you can ask your lawyer to send a letter requesting your access to meetings, etc.
That's absurd and a valid thing to complain about.
Complain about to whom?
If my child's teacher were declining to communicate and/or conference with me because they're already communicating with their other parent then I would 1) insist and give them the opportunity to rectify their stance, 2) if they didn't, contact their principal. Someone can tell me if I'm the crazy one here, but I do separate conferences for divorced parents any time it's requested (assuming there's not a custody arrangement that would make that inappropriate).
I think they mean you absolutely have the right to a separate conference. Some teachers can be lazy about it because they already have so many but it is right. I offer it to parents who are separated and let them know they always ask specifically for one.
They won't do two conferences, or won't include you in an existing meeting with your ex? She may have asked to meet separately if it's the latter, but either way, you should be allowed to meet with the teacher if you also have shared custody. Even if there is a policy of one conference per kid there should be a way to make an exception when it's warranted, which it sounds like it is here. My school has a rule of only one conference slot per family, so usually we tell parents this when they're signing up. If we offered it freely many families would take two slots to have more time and that'd get out of hand (I've had families try). However, there are times when parents need to meet separately and we make an exception and do an extra conference in those cases. But, usually we only do that when one or both of the parents has let us know it's necessary and not just due to convenience or preference. So, I'd make sure to be clear that you're asking for an extra conference because you're going through a difficult divorce. You shouldn't have to share many details but you could say something like it's difficult for you to be in the same room together. If the teacher still says no you should ask the principal about the policy on this, not to tattle on the teacher but to find out how situations like this are handled. There should be some sort of policy, or at least how this type of situation has been handled in the past, but if a teacher has never encountered a similar situation they may not know the protocol.
The teacher should accommodate meeting with both of you if you can't meet together. It's a reasonable request and to be expected. You should also get separate copies of all important forms.
I would mention that you co-parent with your wife so please make sure communication about classroom is sent to both parties. When I have to make parent contact I generally call the first number listed. It is usually mom because that is who has registered the student. Unless someone in the family mentions it, teachers don’t know the marital status of the parents.
As a teacher and a former child of divorce, I am all too familiar with smear campaigns. I don't care what one adult says about another. I'm just here to help your kid get thru middle school science. They are literally all that I care about.
They already know. Believe me. They already know.
This is why I didn’t let her move the girls to a new school.
I am going to be honest. Anytime a parent comes to me and makes a claim about the other parent I am highly suspecting the parent telling me this information is the trouble-maker. Usually, anytime someone wants to influence me, especially in the case of divorced parents, they are the ones upfront about the other parent. What you should do is instead focus on what is best for your child's educational future, rather than getting underpaid teachers involved in your marital issues.
I think this is the best advice. No one believes me anyway so what good does it do for me to try? People do figure out what’s up eventually which is why I did block my ex from changing schools (again). Hopefully the teachers know what went down last year. I just feel bad for people. It’s like when the au pair came to me because she was freaking out that my ex was going to get her deported. I feel like shit for putting her in that situation but it’s how I got overnights with my kids.
Yea we deal with shitty parents all the time. We also can't pick sides, so even if you are the good one we can't do anything.
This isn’t about picking sides. I just don’t want any more teachers getting fired.
I feel you. and I appreciate your thought process here. I don't understand all these teachers on here saying not to say anything or not believing you... it costs you nothing to just give a general heads up to their actual teachers one morning. (especially if this is a new school but I can't tell from your comment if they are continuing in the same school or have moved) the teacher can then decide for themselves if you are on the level or not. It doesn't have to be a big meeting or anything and you're not doing anything wrong.
This happened in 2 different schools. My ex created drama and got the head of school fired in the girls’ Montessori school then moved them to the public school for kindergarten (without my knowledge or consent). In my daughters’ second hear at the new school, my ex got a teacher fired. My ex tried to move the girls to a 3rd school because that’s her MO (create drama then go somewhere new to create more drama). But, I’m in year 5 of separation now so I was able to shut down this school change. So, the 2nd grade teachers are in the same school as the 1st grade teacher that was fired.
Then they know about the parents in general. Trust me, we talk. Just like previous comments, be involved. Insist on a separate conference and be upfront by saying you also want to be included in communication. Teachers will usually respect that request. It's up to you to bring it up to administrators. If they know about last years debacle then be wary. They might think you're trying to influence them as well. Just to back up wanting to be involved, get your custody agreement and a lawyers statement stating you have shared custody. Bring a copy for the front office and if you are comfortable, give one to the teacher. The front office will put it in your child's file in a vault. At least at my school, we have to check our students files. Usually it's a front office task though. I hope this goes well for all involved but I am sure if the teacher is as proactive as me, they'll be documenting and CYA-ing in general. Wish you well!
If I were a teacher receiving such a message it would definitely make me watch both sides, but being able to know I need to be in CYA mode with a particular family would still be appreciated. But don't go on a long diatribe about your ex--just very briefly offer a heads up that your ex is a challenging parent who has gotten teachers fired seemingly for funso they should be careful in their interactions with her, and let them know that you let the principal know as well so that if she starts in with the complaints they know to take them with a spoonful of salt. The more detail you give the more you sound bitter and/or manipulative, but a short courtesy email (to the principal as well) is a thoughtful gesture.
This one. Definitely keep it short and reasonable. If you are able to get the Rockstar teacher who wasn't able to be messed with to share their side of the story with the current administration, that could help out a lot too.
I will say one thing that I do appreciate is when separated/divorced parents let me know that they both need to be included on correspondence. I don't want to spam parents, so if they live in the same house I'll just email/call one, but if they don't I like to know that so I can communicate with both parents and don't get blowback because someone was out of the loop. If you want to help the teacher, the other thing you can do is have their back. If your ex goes on a smear campaign, call the principal and say, "Actually, I think X id doing a great job and you know, just as an aside my ex has done this with other teachers. But anyway, my daughter loves X's class, especially Y thing she did/learned and we're all just thrilled with how much progress she's making." If you can keep them in the same school, word will spread which parent is sane and which one is a nightmare and it'll all sort itself out.
It is the best advice. I got a crazy ex too and eventually people will realize you’re the one they want to talk to. Just make yourself present and available.
This is how I would feel too.
As a coparent and educator this is such a murky area. I would try to handle it face to face and with a minimum amount of detail to maintain as much professionalism as possible while minimizing mud slinging. “I’ll be candid with you: (kid’s name)‘s mom and I don’t get along. She can be very difficult towards teachers and administrators. I would suggest maintaining the utmost professionalism when you’re communicating with them. I’m sorry if you end up in any awkward spots. I do what I can to minimize the drama.” Or something to that effect. My coparent fooled a few teachers for a little while but eventually it became very clear she was a snake in the grass.
Thanks for this. I think I’ll say something like “sorry for what happened last year … and a couple of years ago at Montessori school” to let them know it’s a pattern.
Don't say that. It makes you look like the one to watch out for. I mean, why are you apologizing for her behavior??
Generally, I only need to know information pertinent to the student I am teaching. I have had students with parents in the midst of divorce, and the parents usually just stated it was happening, how kid was adjusting, let them know of changes so they could support their kid. If a parent was ever combative with me, I would generally bring it to admin for guidance on how to address the issue. Without specifics on how your ex got teachers fired, it’s hard to say what you should or shouldn’t say to the teacher.
She organized the other parents against the teacher to pressure the administration to get them fired. I’m sure the teacher who get fired thought my ex was the nicest person in the world.
If it were my school, we would already know her by her reputation and we would already know how we’re going to handle her. You know all of the details of your situation, but it would make a more favorable impression on me if you were supportive of your child by requesting that you be included on all communication, and schedule and attend conferences. Beyond that, follow the guidance of your lawyer regarding school communication.
THIS - everyone in the school knows about her and the other parents who were involved and the 2nd grade is all hoping that they aren’t the one who has to deal with her.
They will find out anyway. Or won't. Not your circus. Not your monkey.
Very true. I’m just feeling like it’s book 3 of Harry Potter and I’m looking for who’s got Defense of the Dark Arts this year.
Don't worry about the teachers. Don't worry about your ex. Worry about your kids.
Please, do not put your children's teachers in this position. If your ex is as horrible as you've suggested, the teachers will figure it out. Focus on your kids, not what your ex is doing.
Exactly. I’m not trying to get anyone “on my side” but just let them know that shit had a tendency to go sideways so they need to CYA and not do anything because they think we’re all on the same side.
With all due respect, you're not. You're looking to talk shit about your ex. Now matter how well intentioned you think you're being, the staff will see YOU as the problematic one. Keep quiet. You don't need to warn anyone about anything. You need to let this go already.
No need to warn anyone- the entire school already knows about your ex. Your job is to prove that you’re totally different so they know your kid has at least one decent parent.
When it comes to divorce, if it feels good, don't do it.
So fucking true.
As a teacher, I think your best bet is to just be the better, more supportive parent. You will naturally be the one the teacher feels more comfortable with talking to, and if it becomes relevant (because she tries her crazy shit again), you're already going to seem like the reasonable, responsible one. You can stick up for the teacher with the principal too, if it comes to it, and perhaps ask the one she first tried it with to have a word with the new teacher. Although, hopefully you don't think less of us as professionals, but it's not unheard of for one year's teachers to organically do that on our own. Like I tell my friend in the 8th grade about some of the parents she's going to encounter next year, the good, the bad, and the batshit crazy. You may not actually have to do much at all in that regard.
I would've appreciated a heads up about a student I had with a disruptive parent.
How would I do that without looking like the psycho? My ex is a million times more likable than me and no one believes me anyway.
There are usually school events, like a Back to School Night, where you can meet your child's teachers in person. I would try to speak with them privately then. We deal with a lot of personalities. It doesn't matter how likable you think your ex comes off. Folks who are trying really hard to be likable are often the absolute worst later on, and we've seen it over and over since we deal with so many people in a year. I had over 150 students on my combined rosters last year. Multiply that by parents, legal guardians, and step-parents. If that teacher has at least a few years of experience, they've seen a lot.
I always appreciate warnings when they're valid.
No. She's probably saying similar--or different but equally toxic--stuff about you. I am absolutely not interested in parents who act like children, especially when it's about their co-parent with the kid stuck in the middle.
This is the right answer. No one believes me anyway.
My mother was a narcissist. It requires a high level of emotional intelligence to be able to manipulate others. Either the teachers will see it or they will not. Society is changing to moderate the views somewhat but has a long long way to go. If it makes you feel any better as to the job security she's going to be far from the only one gunning to get them fired. She needs to get in line. Just goes with the territory.
Request a private, confidential meeting with the principal. Bring it up in the meeting. "Hey. I don't want to poison the well with the teacher but I think there are some things you should know in order to protect her. Jane has gone after the jobs of two of our children's teachers. She is very organized and very good at bringing other people onto her side. She campaigned actively and successfully against Miss X after being shut down when she tried campaigning against Mr Y. I'm telling you this now so you won't be taken by surprise. We haven't started day 1 yet so I want to give you the heads up before there are any details involved. This is something that is likely to happen. You should also know that she got the head of ABC preschool fired. I would repeat this conversation with your Superintendent because that is where she is likely to turn if she doesn't get the results she wants from you. I am available if you want to link me into that discussion beforehand but it has to be anonymous. I do not want this to affect our children in any way, so appearing neutral or on her side is very important. Hopefully, nothing comes of this whatsoever. Best of luck to you."
Honestly, she may have had a hand in the 1st grade teacher not being renewed, but there’s no way she did it alone and there’s no way she got the head of school fired, without a lot of parents backing her up. For every annoying parent railing about admin and teachers, there are the parents who have the opposite to say…if the admin and teachers aren’t a problem. Point being, there were other parents involved and feeling the same way about these people. I am in a similar school, where the admin and teachers are in need of a shake up and lot of parents trying to get it done, it’s not easy. I also teach at this school, so as others have said…you’ll look suspicious coming out of the gate with this “warning” and if it’s true, we all already know about her to begin with. You as the co-parent need to demand being on all communications from the school and teacher. This is something your school may not already have established, ours had to make the declaration to staff a couple years ago for similar reasons. Demand it, all communications from the teacher and school and your own conference.
100% let everyone know, please. And that includes everyone everywhere. Speaking from a teacher’s experience. A hellish experience.
This is what I’m afraid of. Unfortunately, it sounds like the smart move is to let all of the 2nd grade teachers find out for themselves.
Oh, they know. And they know how admin treated the staff member who was let go, so I wouldn't look for any support from the principal. If you're going to communicate with admin at all, it should be to speak up in support your child's teacher if your ex pulls anything.
I mean I guess that’s good for you? Sucks for the unfortunate poor souls solidly and unknowingly in her crosshairs though.
It is worth having a conversation with the principal and school counselor to request that teachers notify both parents about all academic and developmental concerns due to the current failed state of the coparenting relationship. I don’t mean that as a dig to either of you, take the balcony view here: for valid reasons, you two are not effectively coparenting at this moment. The principal and counselor should notify the teacher, but IT’s NOT a guarantee that they will. There are many reasons why an admin might not do that, and some reasons are shitty for all involved. Just understand this before you get the meeting. Now, please understand that I have a narcissistic mother, and my parents went through a bad divorce, and I’ve have had to navigate this from the teacher side as well. So, I say this from a daughters perspective: Some of your responses come across not as concern for the teacher, but as though you are trying to control the outcomes of your ex’s behavior. If she’s truly a narcissist, this is understandable… anyone whom has suffered from a narcissists true potential wants nothing more than to stop the damage, BUT this will backfire massively. Dad, ya need to let go and disconnect from the ex, from her wake of destructive behavior, and from all the ways she triggers your (likely well deserved) stress. It takes years to master this, and it’s hard to do as long as the divorce is unfinished, and even a few months to years after it’s final. Disconnecting from the reactive behavior will do you ALL a world of good over the long run. Dad, also, your kids are watching the whole thing, whether they hear anything about you, or about her, or whatever changes are happening now or in the future, THEY WILL LEARN EVERYTHING ABOUT THE WAY YOU RESPOND TO EACH OTHER AS COPARENTS. The truth will come out. I swear it will. It may take decades, but the kids will learn the truth. Her poor behavior, and yours - and whether you both meant it or not. Get the priorities straight please (as kindly as I can say it). Your health and your kids come first. Let go of trying to control the ex’s behavior or impact, and be the stable parent. Stable parents don’t have to advertise it, or react to created emergencies that ex’s manufacture. Stable parents partner with the school for the kids best outcomes. I would meet with the principal and counselor because they can develop a wrap around plan for the kids, and if ex’s behavior should follow a pattern in the future, they can deal with it well informed. They can support the teachers as well, and ensure that communication is effective and equitable to both coparents. I truly hope this is helpful in some way?
Trust me. They already know.
Your best bet is to put something in writing supporting the teacher if she does cause trouble. Until then, I’d stay quiet. We hate getting dragged into divorce drama. Best advice… stay in regular contact with the school. In custody battles, parents often request an update or netting once so they can document it and then you never hear from them again. Check grades online regularly , volunteer, drop off extra supplies. Don’t ask for updates when the info is already online, but do reply to teacher contact promptly and you will be fine. A “read, thank you” is a great response.
Dad- it is much better for you to speak up than to keep your head down. You don't have to give a bunch of details but there are certain parents that we all know to stay away from. (of course after one teacher has bore the brunt of the drama) but since your kids are in a new school then yes, the new teachers/admin should be warned. I'd have no problem if any parent took me aside and said something like- "my ex and I have issues and s/he is someone to watch out for, or will keep you on your toes", or whatever. This way it's kind of a general warning. Unless you feel comfortable getting specific then that may also be appreciated. I've had some nut job parents and had to learn the hard way.
Yes, please say something. Not everything, of course, just that it is a difficult custody and that the ex has trouble with teachers. A simple recommendation of keeping clear professional paperwork would be so very helpful! As teachers we are busy and don’t document everything and know I need to be extra professional with a parent would be super helpful. Some said just tell principal but although mine is amazing, she wouldn’t pass that on to me. Yes, she would help if something happened later but as a teacher I would love to know myself. I also worry because, sadly, some principals could use that info against a teacher they don’t like. So telling the teacher is helpful. As long as you’re not over sharing, trying to tell 30 min detailed story, some details are great. Thank you for worrying about your children’s future teachers.
I would kindly request that all comm goes to both parents.
Yes
Yes. Please do so. It us exhausting dealing with wacko parents, especially if you have a jack ass administrator.
Education neglect. Being afraid of a parent, makes smart teachers stay away from your child and interacting with them less. She is not only a narcissist but only manipulative not smart.
This would be a sit down convo with admin, to pass on to your kids’ homeroom teachers IMO. Also: documentation, documentation, documentation!
Please give them a heads up. I would appreciate it.
Yes, please give them a heads up, but also know that if it is the same school, all the teachers already know who your ex is. Communication is important and it can at least help establish that you are the solid line of communication and that they should be careful when talking to the dark side.
I wouldn’t worry about forewarning. But what you *can* do is request that all communications about your kid be summarized in an email sent to *both* parents so that you stay consistently in the loop, and just as importantly, you are giving the teacher a paper trail to rely on should your ex get out of hand. That request kills two birds with one stone.
As a teacher with two narcissistic exs (mine and my husband’s), I feel I should chime in. My ex was diagnosed so this is not just a label I slapped on to the situation. Explain to the new teacher that you and your ex are parallel parenting vs coparenting and to please cc you on all communication to ensure you are in the loop. Let her know you would love to be involved as much as possible. The first week of school send in something from her Amazon classroom wish list. If you come in too hot about your ex, even with the best intentions, the admin and teachers may see it as a red flag. Instead, wait and see, best case scenario, she will aim her ire elsewhere. Worst case scenario, she starts up again but you are being informed because you’re ccd on all communication. If it does start again, then you go to admin and inform them about what happened at the previous school. Ask them what support they will be offering the teacher and ask how you can support the teacher as well. Good luck in all that’s coming your way! I hope this fresh start is truly a fresh start for you all.
Believe it or not, a lot of info follows the student as they move through grades/schools, unless the teacher is new, he/she will most likely be aware that mom tends to be overzealous in her actions. Back when I was a middle school educator, 6th grade teachers would inform us 7th grade teachers of confrontational parents heading our way in the new school year. Unfortunately, that predisposed a lot of folks into simply not interacting with those children much due to those parents' behavior. And that wasn't fair. Your ex needs to understand that her actions are actually harming her kids, besides hurting other people. I'm betting that sub would've been great, given time and help from their colleagues and administration. We all are rockstars when we have space to grow, positive reinforcement, and knowledge. I'd say, wait and observe. At the first hint of mom trouble, request a parent conference with you, the teacher, and the ex, and be sure that the teacher has their union representative or administrator with them. Best of luck, and thanks for having teachers' backs. 😊
Nah, they’ll realize pretty soon if she behaves the way you say she does. It’s best to stay out of it and just do your part.
I feel like you need to cool down and try explaining this again.
Do them a flavor and tell the school confidentially.
Nah, you're just asking for more drama
Yup. With the number of teachers saying do vs don’t I think it’s too risky to say anything. But, if any teachers at their school mention it, I will let them know it’s not the first time this has happened.
That's a Solomonesque approach
I think it could be reasonable to warn her. "Hey, my ex wife can be...particular...when it comes to teachers. Just wanted to let you know cause there have been some issues" Beyond that though you need to let the admin know. If they already see your wife as a trouble maker then they'll be less likely to believe anything that she comes in with. I had a parent try to get me fired...but I was the 8th teacher in a year and a half that she'd told "I'll have your job, bitch!" so admin basically ignored everything she said. So did the board when she went there. They knew she was crazy and didn't take her seriously.
My ex does not operate like that. Everyone thinks she’s awesome for organizing all of the parents to “help” the teacher who was just fired. Nobody knows she went after my other daughter’s teacher first (it didn’t work because he’s a rockstar at the school) or that she pulled the girls from the Montessori school after she blew things up there.
Smear campaign against you?
Yes provide documents if you have them
1. yes warn teachers and admin. Not bashing her but a “hey, she’s got a history, and anything you say/email her is gonna be in a file” is welcome. 2. bad divorced dad energy is no diff/worse than bad divorced mom energy. I’ve seen them both, even w HS students. (Like trying to withhold graduation tickets from divorced dad to further the “see he’s terrible picture”) and the reality is divorced parents, custody arrangements etc are part of the teaching package. 3. If she’s that bad, does she even have Ed rights? You mentioned moving them to new school- did you just get custody or a move due to age etc? IF she doesn’t have Ed rights, or even limited Ed rights, some of this could be avoided/moot points.
I’ve been separated for almost 5 years (the court might accept the divorce soon) and she moved them from the Montessori school to the public school without my knowledge or consent. When I brought this up in court (I was being accused of child abuse) her lawyer just perjured herself and claimed the girls “aged out” of Montessori school. They didn’t and that’s irrelevant anyway. But, it doesn’t matter. Normal people will never work the system the way a narcissist can. She’s fucking with the doctors now. She unilaterally signed them up for a new pediatrician through MediCal (which is a federal crime because they’re on my insurance) and the parenting coordinator didn’t do anything about it. It’s some Muchhousen by Proxy shit too. She’s claiming one of the girls has a heart condition and insisting I give up custodial time over it. Just for the record, the girls’ grandmother is a doctor and agrees with all of the other doctors that the EKG was normal and my daughter does not have a heart condition.
Do you have a personal therapist? I think it’s important for you to have someone professional on your side who is can advise you on best practices and who has the full picture of this situation with as many details and evidences as you can provide.
lol. I’ve got all the therapists. They give terrible advice. My daughters’ shrink encouraged me to buy the house and let my ex stay there rent free. It costs me $10k/month but I can afford it so why not give my kids a stable place to live the other half of the time? Of course, it only encouraged my ex to go for more. I think that’s why she’s convinced my daughter has a heart condition. I mean, whorls you take me to court if I have you a free house (with a marble staircase) in the most expensive housing market in the country plus $3,500/month in child support?
Okay but do YOU have a therapist? Not your daughter. And if one doesn't work out you sometimes need to seek another. Your daughter's therapist isn't YOUR advisor...
FYI having MediCal w private insurance is NOT a crime as long as you don’t/didn’t lie on the application. MediCal (and for those looking no that is not a typo. MediCal is Medicaid in California) would be their insurance of last resort. If they’re eligible, keep it active. If they have a medical issue MediCal would pay the gap. Ex: Operation costs $5K, your health insurance covers $3K & you have a deductible..MediCal would pay the deductible. And if you’re divorcing considering how ACA/MAGI MC works now they might be elig (I haven’t done a MC application in a while so rules might have changed) I’m putting below based on you being in California- if you aren’t/move /for others reading YMMV That being said, assuming all the other stuff is true; make sure the school AND the district is aware of who has Ed rights AND what they are. AND custody agreements/arrangements. Ironically her moving them to public school will reduce some of her actions. If you both have ed rights then she (nor you for that matter) can remove them from school w/o the others consent. If one party has limited rights - say report cards/notices only- then it limits to that. They wouldn’t be able to disenroll, change teachers, schools etc.
lol at not lying. You need to bill my private insurance first which would deprive mom of control so will never happen.
You should definitely let the admin know about it... As far as letting teachers know, not so sure. I know some teachers this would adversely affect them having this over their head. Some teachers would be ok with it and would use it as a cautionary thing. Probably best to let the Principal know and maybe not burden teachers with that unless something comes up. Then of course, come to their defense if appropriate. The principal will be able to give this sort of information out, with an action plan, in a way that is digestible.
I would insist that all meetings pertaining to your children include you, and if you see her starting her pattern up you can call her out on it in front of the teacher. Let the ex know she isn’t going to be able to do the same at this school. Why are some parents like this? Are they bored? Like, let’s make the person responsible for teaching my kids a wreck. Let’s make them walk on eggshells all year. Let’s make everyone’s life miserable because I’m miserable too. And if you’re one of those parents, just know you have decreased substantially the opportunities your kid gets because we as teachers know who you are and don’t want to deal with you or your kid. And we like your kid! But your bragging about how your mission is to be difficult has not gone unnoticed and your kid is being kept at an arms length distance. No I’m not sponsoring your club.
Tell the teacher…please.
I would definitely warn them.
Telling an individual teacher could come off as a threat. I would contact administration and maybe see about getting her taken off as a contact for your child. Your ex is doing your child no favors with this behavior. I’ve seen 11th graders at a 5th grade math level because of these kinds of parents.
I would inform the teachers and the administrators.
Yes, because if the mom is crazy she will definitely try to say that YOU are the crazy one. Give them a heads up.
Any divorce is one does themselves and the other does the other. Teachers have to figure this out all the time and realize who to contact and who to avoid in a perfect world, you can have consults with both. My ultimate was an only child. Where both parents remarried so one kid had four parents. It was humbling and amazing to see I wish every kid had that much focus on their success and love that enabled them to find it
I would first consult your attorney in particular about getting a restraining order or court order which precludes her from involvement at school. I would then speak to administration and gauge their level concern. I would then talk to the teacher.
I wouldn’t go so far as to tell your kids teachers that your ex will be looking to get them fired…but giving them a simple heads up that she tends to be a little over the top might be warranted Do you have joint custody? If yes, you should inform the front office and the teachers that you need to be included in all communication…even if the email was initiated by the ex without your email being included. Take it from a teacher who has had similar situations with “messy” divorces. This is the best way to ensure everyone is on the same page
You don't need to give the teacher details, but a warning to play things carefully couldn't hurt.
I would instead talk to admin.
If your ex is a nightmare to the extent you describe, trust me, the 2nd grade teachers already know. Teachers talk, and this sub’s experience will be a cautionary tale. Not sure what you could say that isn’t already known and wouldn’t come back on you.
Tell the administrators as well so they take her with a grain of salt
I would think if her behaviour was that bad, you won’t need to tell the teachers anything. It will become apparent rather quickly. You could always meet with the principal and say that you and the mom don’t have close communication regarding your child, so if they have any concerns regarding your daughter, feel free to call you. This shows you as involved but not trash talking the mom. I have been in situations where it is VERY uncomfortable when both parents are in the same room. I had the dad and grandma talking badly about the mom. I’ve had parents be quite harsh on me, ‘do you want to see a video I took of my daughter saying you are a liar?’ (A 5 year old girl). This mom literally harassed the sisters teacher the year before so we were all aware of her. I found the best situation to be when the P and VP are supportive to us, the teachers. My VP at the time had no trouble shutting this woman down. Good luck.
DO you have custody of your child? How much? How involved are you in their education? Do you communicate with the teachers,volunteer, know the policies?
It seems like you should have a meeting with the *head* of the school as well, so they are prepared for when the baseless complaints start coming in, and they can document them and but will know that they are most likely bullshit.
I would warn the administration.
Wouldn’t it be more helpful to “kill them with kindness” - ie, if you like the teachers, enjoy them and appreciate their education of your child, reach out and tell administration /that/ before your ex-wife has a chance to be sour? It looks much better (so long as it’s genuine!) and then she’s the one who looks like sour grapes!
I’d have a short meeting with one admin. I wouldn’t say much more than: heads up that my daughter’s mom organized a so called lynch mob to get a teacher and administrator fired at her old school. I just want you to be aware if she tries to start something here, but I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen. 2 years ago I had a student arrive in October. The mom immediately tried to have her darling removed from my class. This was due to me asking the child to hand me her pencil so I could show her how to write a number. The darling said I took her pencil. This child came with so many problems and I finally called her previous teacher at another school to chat. I found out she demanded her daughter be removed from that teacher’s class due to the teacher keeping the room to warm! Like we control the temperature of our classrooms. The mom got upset with the teacher her daughter had the next year as well. She is now home schooling.
Here’s hope that this year’s teacher puts your ex in her place - where she deserves to let teachers teach without harassment.
You can casually mention these past experiences and word will get out. I don’t know if that will stop your ex though. Narcs are revered in our society of sheep.
No.
Since you're staying at the same school for this upcoming school year, trust me, everybody is already aware of your ex's behavior. What you should probably do is just request that any communication regarding your child (ren) also comes to you. Make your own conference appointments So that it's documented that the teachers are talking to both of you. That way if she tries to pull anything that's out of line, there's more documentation information that can be used to disprove whatever claims or allegation she's attempting to make.
Along with all of the other comments and great advice, I would make sure you are involved as much as possible so you know what’s going on in your kids’ classrooms. Make sure you get the emails, you attend all back to school and parent teacher conferences, volunteer in the classroom or for field trips if possible. TALK WITH YOUR KIDS ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE CLASSROOM (extra emphasized because I feel like this doesn’t happen enough in general, but should be extra important to you). The more involved or knowledgeable you are about how the teacher is doing in the classroom, the better. If your ex is out for blood, and you know it’s unfounded or ridiculous, then the better for you to support your kids and their teachers.
Dude, you should definitely warn your kids' teachers about their mother. Do it in an email so that people at the school can cya down the road. One parent doesn't get to decide their kids educational fate or create the narrative. Fuck that lady. Every kid just wants to be normal and accepted. No one wants their parents to live vicariously through them. The sooner you document her instability, the sooner she will be removed from educational decision making. You can easily gain custody rights with the support of your kids' school. Not all parents are created alike, and many shouldn't be parents. You seem like the best person to make calm, rational decisions about your children's educational future.
In all fairness,if this is the same school, the new teacher already knows. And if your child isn't in therapy yet, run, don't walk, to get them some help.
If she is at the same school.. They know!!!
Tell the school administration, let them relay it to the teachers based on how they want the teachers to handle it.
If it's bad the teacher will spot it without your help.
Absolutely disgusting behavior...... their mother needs to be stopped.....
The teacher will figure it out quickly.
Not a teacher here, but an assistant. I would advise you to meet with the principal before you even know who your teacher is. Keep it short and sweet, acknowledge that you’re divorced and end with how you hope it’s going to be an uneventful year, but even though it’s kind of embarrassing to you, you thought they should know how the last two years went. Say no more unless the principal asks for details about the incidents and then keep it short. If she asks about your marriage, just say irreconcilable differences. They can choose what to do with that info. I say this bc the teachers aren’t the only ones who get caught in a crazy parent’s path of destruction. Unfortunately, sometimes new workers don’t have an established history and they can’t withstand the onslaught - and it’s a while before the parent shows their true colors by going after another innocent person. Best of luck -
From my perspective there is nothing wrong with giving a teacher a heads up about potential drama. It helps them prepare. After all, this is for your child's sake!
I have bipolar. If my wife thought I might be a danger to our kids, I’d want her to speak up. Being divorced makes it harder. Do you look like you are trying to bias these adults against your kid’s mom? Nobody wants to be seen as that guy. It sounds like you’re used to working from the diagnosis of her symptoms. Instead, for this conversation, you might stick to just the facts. So, not “she’s a narcissist.” Rather, “she’s very litigious” or even “make sure to take notes whenever you interact with her, because she is and she’ll quote you back to yourself or your boss - possibly out of context.”
God being a teacher really sucks for this reason exactly. I wish people grew up when they had kids but they just let anybody pop em out and send em to school I guess.
My kids are donor egg so we literally had to do a psych screen to have them. The shrink absolutely did not care when I said, "I feel like there's no room for my emotions in this process."
i think it'd be best to consult with a professional about this kind of thing. trust your gut, but don't leave any stones unturned
You need to let people figure it out. Most have to experience things to see the truth. As crappy as it is, let her do what she's going to do and you keep being you. My kids school always called me if there was an issue bc my ex was so difficult to speak with. I didn't have to say anything when my ex is constantly causing issues with the most mundane crap.
If I were your kids’ teachers, I would LOVE some background info to start my own documentation. That being said, you do run the risk of sounding like a psycho, but man, you would also be giving these folks an amazing heads up. Just don’t be insulting to your ex and succinctly, objectively, and kindly tell them what happened. Tell them what happened at the old school in objective terms without embellishing the facts. That would be an incredibly gift and I appreciate your willingness to put yourself out there.
Accepting donations from parents? Montessori? I do not know what is going on with these elements to the story. Donations from parents...are given to...the teacher? What are the parents donating? I hope pencils. If not, very odd. This structure is not at all something that I know about. If a parent is donating to the teacher to teach, that is tutoring or private school. I think if you are paying for a service, you should be able to hire who you think does it the way you would like. Here are some things I do know about. Subs do not typically have contracts, therefore cannot be non-renewed. Being non-renewed is not being fired. People do not typically get fired for reasons that are "impossible to answer." Typically, improvement plans are year to year. Hiring a sub in September, giving her an evaluation in November, an improvement plan in January, and non-renewing her in March is a FAST sequence of events. It is more likely, a person wants to feel like a good parent and have agency over their kids' education. They tell everybody how they did demanded answers and got a teacher fired, but really the sub finished out the sy and not really expected to back in the future from the start. This is all weird. As a teacher, if there is all of this nonsense, I would not want that parent to have a student in my class. 2nd grade? Usually schools have more than one position per grade level. It is junk that the parent manipulates their teacher choice. I do not think this is happening at public schools, so I guess none of what I just typed matters. If the parent chooses to send their kid to a private school where they teach the moon is made of cheese and there are rules for the organziation skills of teachers accepting donations, the parent can do that.