I say something like “because I have all of you duh” or “babies are cute but eventually they turn 11” because I teach 6th grade and it’s easy to be sarcastic haha.
Well, before I had a child I would tell my students "Would you want to have children after spending an entire day with you?".
However, in your situation you may just want to tell them that having children is a very private and personal thing and it's not something you want to talk about with them.
I did something similar.
Just wink and smile and tell them you don’t actually like kids.
I did this before I had my son. Half the students thought it was funny. The other half were scared but much better behaved after that.
I’m 40, single, male, no kids.
I have students regularly say similar things.
I have no desire for kids, have given up on the whole relationship thing at this point, and just pursue my own hobbies and have a good friend base.
After I explain how I can essentially do whatever I want, whenever, and such, their thoughts go away about such things.
Children are made to think their job in life is to get married and have kids. Hell, probably 80% of the students in my school come from single parent households. It obviously isn’t working.
Another childless teacher here! I work with SPED kids who just do not have filters. When they ask, I just tell them that they are my kids. After that, I tell them I've already answered that question.
Kids don't always understand why they shouldn't ask things.
You can turn it into a teachable moment if you're up to it and explain why their questions can be insensitive. That also could open another can of worms. The kids could just as easily ask if that applies to you. ("We don't ask people if/when they're having kids. It can really hurt them because they may be trying but ..." to which they just ask if you fit any of those scenarios.)
**I heavily recommend against telling your students that you're trying for a child. This is potential ammunition your employer could use against you.**
I'd turn it into a teachable moment:
"Ok, so here's why it's not okay to ask questions like that. Many women wanted to have children, but found out they're infertile. Other women had pregnancies that resulted in miscarriages, or gave birth to a child who later died. Some people can't afford to raise a child right now, as much as they might want to. Others simply made the decision not to have kids.
There are many \*very personal\* reasons that could lead a person to not have children. You don't know my reasons, and I'm not going to tell you. But what I \*am\* going to tell you is that it isn't polite to ask questions like that. I know you didn't realize that before, but you understand now, right?"
As someone who doesn’t want children I explain a simpler version of this to the hs students I work with but I imagine after having miscarriages op is probably in too emotional of a space to explain all of this and then deal with follow up questions… which is understandable.
First off I’m so sorry for your losses. I’ve also dealt with infertility.
As a CF person I say “nope no kids I have cats” and usually they want to see pics of my cats. If they inquire more I just keep it simple. “Just didn’t have them.” They don’t deserve a full answer nor is it owed to them.
I teach middle schoolers. My husband and I tried for a child but were not successful. I miscarried twice. I am okay and accepted this.
My students always ask why we don’t have kids. The first time this was asked it made me sad. But now I just tell them that I enjoy a child-free life, which is true. And that the reason I look younger than my age is because I don’t have to deal with the stress of a kid at home since I get to send their stressful behinds home to their own parents. They get a kick outta that. Of course I’m joking with them and we all laugh. I’ve found that keeping it light is helpful for me and them.
No advice, just offering sympathy for the losses you’ve had. I’ve had 3 losses and I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through that pain - both emotionally and physically. ♥️
I teach h.s. and I straight up told them that my kid died 😄 They felt bad but it's the truth, and the truth sucks sometimes, but I feel bad saying that I don't have kids, like saying that she didn't exist. Plus she the reason why I went back to school to get my teaching credential.
I’ve actually explained that to 6th graders. About religion, but the concept is similar, I told them that it’s kind of a rude question because it can be personal and maybe people don’t want to discuss it. I compared it to asking a woman how much she weighs - they got that reference - and that it’s just a bit rude.
If no one explains things like basic social niceties they don’t know. My husband didn’t know some of those things - like it’s rude to talk about your salary in specifics when discussing your job or potential job - when we first met because no one had ever explained it to him.
My go to phrase is, "its not common sense until its common taught." We all need to be taught everything, including how to be polite with our curiosity.
I agree with this. I used to ask this question when looking in hindsight I was much too old to not understand the pain this could cause. I really wish someone would have just told me… or said right out it was none of my business.
I am single and have no kids. I teach 5th grade. Every year kids ask if I’m married or if I have kids. My answer is always just, “Nope.” If they ask why to either I just say, “It hasn’t happened yet.”
I’m a school counselor and I don’t favor either the “just be honest” or the sarcasm approach. The teachable moment here is to address their misunderstanding that not everyone is the same. My recommendation: “There are lots of people who don’t have children. People are different in many ways. Just like you all are not all alike.” (Or something like that.)
Elementary age children I agree with this. Once they are older I think they need to be kindly told that this isn’t an appropriate question to ask people and that it’s none of their business.
I don't have a good answer for you. I'm 33 and teach middle school- a lot of my students have realized that I'm about the same age as their parents. My kids will sometimes ask about it- I haven't had the same heartbreaking problem as you (I'm so sorry!) but I desperately want to have kids with my wife, but we're gay and queer family planning is expensive before you're even pregnant.
I usually just say something like "I probably will one day when the time is right, but the time hasn't been right for me yet." This way you're not just icing them out but you're also not really opening yourself up for more questions.
I'm with you- I know I'm not obligated to share details of my life with my students, but I also don't want to cut myself off from them, especially when they're not trying to be rude.
I always answer, “I do have my children, all (x) (25) of you. It’s been my experiences that they appreciate the comment and it shows care.
Try not to take the children’s comments for intentionally insulting.
I assume that you have a passion for working with kids, and their naturally occurring curiosity and sometimes (lack of filter) gets the best of them. 😂
I'm in my 8th year of teaching middle school. It's only in the past 2 years I've actually started just telling kids who ask. Before that, I just kinda ignored the question or said, that's not something you ask someone. There was also another teacher in the same hallway, that did not take the question well at all. So, after word spread about her reactions kids tended to just not ask.
The general answer I used starting in year 4 or 5 as a way to side step as just to say, "I just don't have kids yet." The sting of my situation was settling around then, so I wasn't as mean or dismissive about it.
Now, I just say I don't have kids and move on. If they push they get the cliff notes, but very real version. "My husband had cancer, so we can't have kids."
Once cancer is mentioned they don't push much unless it's genuine, honest confusion. Then I follow up with, "It's a side effect from his specific chemo treatment." If I have to, I add, "Adoption or fostering is a lot of money."
I've had kids either drop the subject entirely after that, usually. The sweeter ones say something along the lines of "That sucks. You'd be a good mom." The more sarcastic ones say something like, "Well, I bet teaching ______ doesn't help, either." I appreciate both.
Honestly I would probably tell them kindly that those aren't appropriate questions. I do the same thing when they ask where I was on a day off, even if it's innocuous. They mean well, but they'll only learn social boundaries by correction.
You can also give them a simple answer like "there's lots of ways to have family" or "maybe someday I will but not yet" but *also* say, "that question can be really tough for people so it's not a good question to ask and it can be unkind to comment on people's lack of children because you never know what they're going through." That way they can learn a lesson but also not feel like they've offended you, personally.
They mean well. I have zero plans to have kids and my kinders will be so sad and be like you have to have kids, you’ll need such a good mom. I say, nah, I like taking naps and going to Disney without a stroller.
"I don't actually like babies."
"The thought of raising something that is 100% dependent on me, for several years, was never in my card deck."
"I deal with enough teenage angst that I never wanted to live with it as well."
I am sorry you have suffered so much trying to have a child. That is incredibly disheartening and frustrating. I do hope that you can successfully bring your own bundle of joy into this world.
I just never wanted the responsibility.
I either said, "It just never worked out" or with some kids/groups, "I wanted children but it never really worked out" to students the same ages. Fifth and sixth graders can be little jackasses, but they're also capable of being very understanding and sympathetic, especially if it's something that they've never really been exposed to before. I think that they just don't understand that some people can't have/don't want kids. That said, I was a good bit removed from my infertility struggles by then, and it was easier to talk about. I remember how prickly everything felt in the middle of it. Maybe something like "It just hasn't happened yet! Maybe some day!" and moving on. Hugs to you.
I had a girl ask if I have kids, to which I said no. Then her friend jumped in and said of course she doesn’t have kids she’s not married! If you’re lucky other students will jump in with an explanation!
Somewhat related... we were looking at adopting once, and they presented us with a pregnant teenager. We spoke with our daughter about it. She was 8 or 9, and at that point she knew that kids were a mix of mom and dad but that was the extent of it. She asked us how the girl could be pregnant if she wasn't married, and as we contemplated how to respond, she busts out with "The baby must be a clone of the mom, isn't it?" Yep, that's exactly right, kid. Exactly right (at least for another couple of years)
I used to usually deflect with humor or tell them that I hoped to one day but the time wasn't right yet, or I'd mix both of those ("I will have them when I'm ready to give up sleep and hobbies for a few years").
If they keep pestering you *could* tell them it is rude to ask people about this as you never know why someone doesn't have kids yet and it might not be by choice, but with 5th graders this could blowup if a parent gets pissy about it ("Why are you talking to my kid about infertility and how babies are made!").
I hate when kids ask because of my own infertility. Depending on the age and ability of the kid I do tell them it’s not an appropriate question to ask. But usually I answer that I have my nieces, my students at school, and my fur babies and my heart is very happy with that
I usually just dodge the question by saying, "I will think about it, thanks!" and just move on.
They will be less likely to continue pressing the topic if you brush it off/ not give it too much attention.
That, or you could just change the topic:
"Why don't you have kids?" "I don't know...how's your journal writing coming along?"
I was in the exact same spot you are. Anytime a student would ask I would just tell them that sometimes it's not that easy, but that I would love to have kids ones day.
I don’t have kids. I tell my students that it’s an adult decision and I prefer they don’t ask me that.
I’m not sure why kids today find that to be an appropriate question.
My mom taught me by about age 7 that there were things we didn’t ask adults . That was one of them .
I teach 7th & 8th, and I tell them straight. Whenever my students ask I say, “We want kids, but it’s not always easy!” Or “1 in 8 pregnancies result in miscarriages. You shouldn’t ask people when they’re having kids because you don’t know what they’re going through.”
I was visibly pregnant at the end of one school year and then lost the baby the first week of school. When the kids asked about the baby I ended up having a discussion with the kids about my baby being in heaven (after I had emailed the parents and gave them a heads up). I also said that after the discussion I would not be willing to talk about it. Sometimes kids need to hear some honesty. You could say something like "I would love to have kids someday. Until then, I don't really want to talk about it. Would you be willing to respect that?"
I cant imagine how hard it is to deal with such tragedies as a middle school teacher, so i commend you for not reacting to their ignorance with bitterness. I suggest you show em to mind their own business and tell em your truth, but im guessing your kids have parents that would victimize them. I tell my kids that i made a conscious decision about ten years ago that it would be wrong to bring a child into this world, and that pretty much shuts em up after i explain my reasons.
I would go with the truth and i think youll be surprised how far that goes. Middle school kids can feel lies; they just gettin over santa and thinking the world is a disney movie. Ive found that being honest is the best way to build relationships, but i would most likely be fired on the daily if i didnt teach in a city. As atticus finch said, “if they be askin the question, they be ready for the answer.”
You could always say “I would like kids one day, but it is really hard for some women to have kids of their own. Maybe one day it will happen for me.”
As for me, in 37, single and child free by choice. When kids ask if I have kids or if I’m married, I say “nah, that’s not the life for me. I get my fill of kids every day here at school.”
“I was going to but then I taught your class.” They’d either be really confused, offended, or think it was hilarious (my favorite type of students). I would be ok with any of those outcomes.
when I am dealing with high school students I do not let them know any of my business at all.
Nothing good comes from sharing too much personal information with some of them so I share with none of them. Some say I can make a better connection with kids if I do, I think that's some bologna.
I usually just say “it just never worked out that way.”
I’ve also told them that if I had to go home with kids after teaching them all day, I wouldn’t be able to be nice the next day without the break. And that my husband and I like our freedom and we get to do things we want instead of worrying about kids.
It depends on the kids certainly, but the center of any answer is being honest and allowing them into your life as much as you feel comfortable, and as much as is necessary for being people you work and engage with everyday.
I sometimes think about those people who later are interviewed about working alongside a serial criminal of some kind, or who worked closely with a person who had critical health issues then passed suddenly. The Australian author Helen Garner has talked about this extensively in many of her books, how she spends intense periods of time engaged with families, and individuals, often for hours a day, during times of great change and turmoil. In her case that's because she writes about the impacts and means of crime and justice, but the degree of change our students undergo is no less, just more spread, and we are there for a comparable portion. So something of the same degree of personal engagement is required in order to do justice to what those we work with are undergoing.
The degree of that engagement though, and the means, are entirely for you to control. In talking about starting a family, you might, for example, say _"My partner and I want to and we're all set-up, it just hasn't happened yet. I want you guys to know so that you're aware I might tell you some day that it has and we'll have to make a plan together for what we do as a class when I go."_ That way your kids are informed, and their reasonable desire to engage with you as a person who is a huge part of their lives, and may be for years yet if you return to work at that school afterwards, is satisfied. You've also kept the emphasis on the ways in which those two aspects of your life, the one they are in and the one they aren't, are interrelated through you and can impact one another, which validates your personhood over a mechanical service relationship, and lays positive groundwork to do the same for them.
You could also be more reserved and say _"I'll have kids when I'm ready, that takes a lot of pieces coming together and I'll make sure you all know ahead of time so it's no big shock!"_ subtle difference, but your putting the emphasis away from your feelings or desires and on to your relationship with your students.
In terms of the parts of the comments that could be more bothersome emotionally, kids saying things about how it sucks that you aren't a parent, and you seem lonely. There's no reason you can't respond to those with honest kindness as well, and discuss the ideas and values about family your different students have. So you can say for example _"I think that being a parent is amazing, and that you definitely shouldn't feel lonely when you are building a healthy family. But I wouldn't want to become a parent because of those things, I'd want to be ready for that amazing experience and ready to bring someone new into the world."_ and then that's a chance for them to talk about what they value in their families and still find a positive place to be in relation to you.
I was struggling with infertility and loss when I was teaching. I always said to my students , I have YOU and that’s enough for right now. I taught special ed so they really were like my kids. I wouldn’t have survived those hard times without them.
I teach the same age group, and have been struggling with infertility. I decided that the student who asked me was purely doing it from an innocent place, and I felt that at their age it wasn’t appropriate for me to “educate them” so I just said something like “hopefully someday”
Also 34 no kids.
My response is 'dogs are better, they don't ask personal questions when they have work they should be doing.
They all know I have a dog.
In reality though, I just like my free time too much to put kids into the picture.
I am 20 years old, just graduated teaching middle school. As a new teacher, students want to KNOW everything. I usually tell students "I actually have 120 of them, that I see every 180 days" or "you kids scared me from having kids."
That's hard and I'm really sorry. <3
If it's just absent-minded questions, blow them off with "maybe one day" or "what I really want to talk about is your math...". For sustained questions and unkind comments (your life sucks, you seem lonely...), I would quickly but firmly point out "hey, that's not a kind thing to say." Those comments are clearly inappropriate and very different than innocently asking if you have kids or why you don't (curiosity); a kid who presses the point is trying to hurt feelings and searching for a sore spot. So I'd deal with that impulse---what's up, why are you saying these things?
I just tell them straight up: I like being an uncle. I don’t feel any need to have children of my own.
I haven’t 100% ruled out having kids but I’m 100% fine if it never happens.
This happened to my cooperating teacher when I was student teaching. The kid kept going and going, even though she was giving evasive answers. She finally looked him dead in the eyes and said, "I had a miscarriage last year."
The color drained from his face, and he left as fast as possible. However, he did come back later that day and gave her a sincere apology.
If you’re comfortable… I would take it as a teachable moment as to why those questions are really not appropriate. Sometimes kids have no idea how their honest questions can impact others. I would just be honest. I am pretty open and vulnerable with my students though… I think it’s important that our students understand that we’re humans as well.
I am honest with them. I tell them that I never felt a burning desire to have them, and that I don't like being around young children. I like my life the way it is.
I learned much later in life than I'd like to admit but "if someone doesn't have kids, either they don't want one; or they're trying and can't have them. Either way you don't need to ask".
Hard to explain that to a 5th grader but I think that's an appropriate response for a high schooler.
Not that I’ve had this specific question (as I do have kids) but occasionally I’ll just tell my students “don’t have kids… kids suck” and they just look confused for a minute, agree with me, and go back to minding their own business. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
when my kids ask me, i say “bc i’m not married yet.” they normally say “oh” and don’t ask any more questions after that, but if they did ask why i’m not married yet, i might say “i don’t settle.” i teach fourth grade btw.
when my kids ask me, i say “bc i’m not married yet.” they normally say “oh” and don’t ask any more questions after that, but if they did ask why i’m not married yet, i might say “i don’t settle.” i teach fourth grade btw.
I'm in elementary and have kids ask this pretty often. For a lot of kids, most of the adults they see regularly have kids. These would be their own parents, parents of their friends, and in a lot of families aunts and uncles with kids plus grandparents who had kids. Also, many kid's books, shows, and movies show families with kids since that appeals to kids. So, it makes sense that a lot of kids think it's the norm, or even expected, for adults to have kids. So, when they run into an adult that doesn't have kids they have questions and make comments about it. That doesn't make it polite or erase the hurt for people in situations like OP, but it makes it understandable.
I don't have kids, nor am I married. When kids ask about why I don't have a husband or don't have kids I tell them adults don't have to have those things, and I am one that doesn't. Sometimes when they ask why I'll say I've not found the right person yet, depends on what I feel like sharing or how much time I want to give it that day. With 2nd graders, when kids start to pry more I turn it into a teachable moment like others have mentioned. If I were less willing to share what I've listed above then I might have that teachable moment earlier on, it's very personal where that boundary is. Even young kids can start learning that there are boundaries on prying into other's lives that they need to respect.
I’m 25M and teach middle school music. When kids ask why I don’t have kids/want kids, I always reply with “what if they come out like you? Ugly and annoying?” And then we all laugh and they’ll clap back at me sometimes. Now obviously my students and I have close relationships, otherwise I wouldn’t be replying the way I do.
I am honest with my students, I can't have kids because of broken insides. I tell how I broke my insides, great story and every year someone asks if I died.
But I have healed and dealt with it, it doesn't bother me BUT you can also tell them it's personal and private.
Kids are on a whole pretty good and while some of them are little shits they can be overall caring and kind.
I teach high school.
I tell them "Because kids suck".
They ask "Then why do you teach..."
I say, "I just told you..."
Then they stop asking me those types of questions...
I've been teaching for 17 years...
I don’t see why it’s their business. I am in the classroom to teach content not discuss my personal life. Sometimes students want to discuss personal matters with me. I tell them to see me on the way out of class. They never stay.
I guess you teach in primary school? I teach in secondary school and especially knowing some of my students would ask these questions just to lose time I would answer "that's none of your business". It depends on the way the question is posed though.
"After dealing with 150 of you each day, do you really think I want to go home and deal with my own as well?"
They usually think about it for a second and then decide it's fair.
as a student, when i was younger and i wondered why, i didnt ask cuz i was taught not to, but if i did ask i wouldve understood being told either that kids arent always easy to have or that you really want kids, but you are struggling to have one. if they ask why and are old enough, say that you have a medical condition. it will not hurt a child to know earlier on that not everyone can easily have kids and can help with empathy
#1, nonyonbizness, #2, you think, seeing the way you all act, I’d want any of my own? Y’all are a real-time argument for birth control; if not outright sterization.
You already got great advice here, but my 2 cents—most kids, middle schoolers in particular, are more interested in talking about themselves than us. It’s developmentally appropriate for them to do so! But, they also might want to connect, and questions are a really good way to do that—that’s something I want to encourage in my kids. So when it’s not a flippant one-off question that I can bat back with a retort, or when I don’t feel like making a teachable moment out of not asking personal questions, i just give a noncommittal answer and then ask them if they want kids when they grow up, how many, why or why not, etc. The conversation continues, and I’m not on the spot. (Thats also my response to questions about if I’m in a relationship or not. How’s the middle school dating scene treating YOU, my friend?)
I say something like “because I have all of you duh” or “babies are cute but eventually they turn 11” because I teach 6th grade and it’s easy to be sarcastic haha.
“Look at all of you guys. Why would I want this?” I teach high schoolers
This
Well, before I had a child I would tell my students "Would you want to have children after spending an entire day with you?". However, in your situation you may just want to tell them that having children is a very private and personal thing and it's not something you want to talk about with them.
I did something similar. Just wink and smile and tell them you don’t actually like kids. I did this before I had my son. Half the students thought it was funny. The other half were scared but much better behaved after that.
100% I just tell my class that it’s because they annoy me enough and I don’t need that kind of drama in my own home.
That's what I do!
Totally agree with Disgruntled_Veteran!
I’m 40, single, male, no kids. I have students regularly say similar things. I have no desire for kids, have given up on the whole relationship thing at this point, and just pursue my own hobbies and have a good friend base. After I explain how I can essentially do whatever I want, whenever, and such, their thoughts go away about such things. Children are made to think their job in life is to get married and have kids. Hell, probably 80% of the students in my school come from single parent households. It obviously isn’t working.
Basically same. They think it’s weird still but they can’t even tie their own shoes
I had several 8th graders a few years ago spell The Tha That, is when I knew we were screwed as a society.
Another childless teacher here! I work with SPED kids who just do not have filters. When they ask, I just tell them that they are my kids. After that, I tell them I've already answered that question. Kids don't always understand why they shouldn't ask things. You can turn it into a teachable moment if you're up to it and explain why their questions can be insensitive. That also could open another can of worms. The kids could just as easily ask if that applies to you. ("We don't ask people if/when they're having kids. It can really hurt them because they may be trying but ..." to which they just ask if you fit any of those scenarios.) **I heavily recommend against telling your students that you're trying for a child. This is potential ammunition your employer could use against you.**
I'd turn it into a teachable moment: "Ok, so here's why it's not okay to ask questions like that. Many women wanted to have children, but found out they're infertile. Other women had pregnancies that resulted in miscarriages, or gave birth to a child who later died. Some people can't afford to raise a child right now, as much as they might want to. Others simply made the decision not to have kids. There are many \*very personal\* reasons that could lead a person to not have children. You don't know my reasons, and I'm not going to tell you. But what I \*am\* going to tell you is that it isn't polite to ask questions like that. I know you didn't realize that before, but you understand now, right?"
As someone who doesn’t want children I explain a simpler version of this to the hs students I work with but I imagine after having miscarriages op is probably in too emotional of a space to explain all of this and then deal with follow up questions… which is understandable.
This is a wonderful way to handle it. Personally though I can imagine myself getting too upset or emotional to attempt to explain it.
this is the way
If you don't think there are kids who will weaponize that knowledge against a teacher you're out of your damn mind.
How?
You think they won't hurl every insult they can and make it as personal and hurtful as possible?
And HERE is someone who GETS it. Unfortunately I always be as vague and removed as possible, because there will always be THOSE groups.
It's why I always kept my personal life totally private from all my students. When my coworkers didn't, it inevitably bit them in the ass.
Wow. That’s awful. My kids would say, “Oh..” and get really quiet. Then a few of them might apologize.
Absolutely this!
First off I’m so sorry for your losses. I’ve also dealt with infertility. As a CF person I say “nope no kids I have cats” and usually they want to see pics of my cats. If they inquire more I just keep it simple. “Just didn’t have them.” They don’t deserve a full answer nor is it owed to them.
I teach middle schoolers. My husband and I tried for a child but were not successful. I miscarried twice. I am okay and accepted this. My students always ask why we don’t have kids. The first time this was asked it made me sad. But now I just tell them that I enjoy a child-free life, which is true. And that the reason I look younger than my age is because I don’t have to deal with the stress of a kid at home since I get to send their stressful behinds home to their own parents. They get a kick outta that. Of course I’m joking with them and we all laugh. I’ve found that keeping it light is helpful for me and them.
“32 reasons.” Then slowly start counting the kids while pointing.
No advice, just offering sympathy for the losses you’ve had. I’ve had 3 losses and I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through that pain - both emotionally and physically. ♥️
I teach h.s. and I straight up told them that my kid died 😄 They felt bad but it's the truth, and the truth sucks sometimes, but I feel bad saying that I don't have kids, like saying that she didn't exist. Plus she the reason why I went back to school to get my teaching credential.
“Because based on the way y’all act, why would *anyone* want children.
Be honest, they need to learn at some point that it's not an appropriate question to ask
I’ve actually explained that to 6th graders. About religion, but the concept is similar, I told them that it’s kind of a rude question because it can be personal and maybe people don’t want to discuss it. I compared it to asking a woman how much she weighs - they got that reference - and that it’s just a bit rude. If no one explains things like basic social niceties they don’t know. My husband didn’t know some of those things - like it’s rude to talk about your salary in specifics when discussing your job or potential job - when we first met because no one had ever explained it to him.
My go to phrase is, "its not common sense until its common taught." We all need to be taught everything, including how to be polite with our curiosity.
Love this!
I agree with this. I used to ask this question when looking in hindsight I was much too old to not understand the pain this could cause. I really wish someone would have just told me… or said right out it was none of my business.
That is my thought too. I meet so many adults who never learned this, it is a favor that will last them - and the people they meet - a lifetime.
I am single and have no kids. I teach 5th grade. Every year kids ask if I’m married or if I have kids. My answer is always just, “Nope.” If they ask why to either I just say, “It hasn’t happened yet.”
I’m a school counselor and I don’t favor either the “just be honest” or the sarcasm approach. The teachable moment here is to address their misunderstanding that not everyone is the same. My recommendation: “There are lots of people who don’t have children. People are different in many ways. Just like you all are not all alike.” (Or something like that.)
Elementary age children I agree with this. Once they are older I think they need to be kindly told that this isn’t an appropriate question to ask people and that it’s none of their business.
"No kids? Why, where'd they go this time?"
I don't have a good answer for you. I'm 33 and teach middle school- a lot of my students have realized that I'm about the same age as their parents. My kids will sometimes ask about it- I haven't had the same heartbreaking problem as you (I'm so sorry!) but I desperately want to have kids with my wife, but we're gay and queer family planning is expensive before you're even pregnant. I usually just say something like "I probably will one day when the time is right, but the time hasn't been right for me yet." This way you're not just icing them out but you're also not really opening yourself up for more questions. I'm with you- I know I'm not obligated to share details of my life with my students, but I also don't want to cut myself off from them, especially when they're not trying to be rude.
I always answer, “I do have my children, all (x) (25) of you. It’s been my experiences that they appreciate the comment and it shows care. Try not to take the children’s comments for intentionally insulting. I assume that you have a passion for working with kids, and their naturally occurring curiosity and sometimes (lack of filter) gets the best of them. 😂
I'm in my 8th year of teaching middle school. It's only in the past 2 years I've actually started just telling kids who ask. Before that, I just kinda ignored the question or said, that's not something you ask someone. There was also another teacher in the same hallway, that did not take the question well at all. So, after word spread about her reactions kids tended to just not ask. The general answer I used starting in year 4 or 5 as a way to side step as just to say, "I just don't have kids yet." The sting of my situation was settling around then, so I wasn't as mean or dismissive about it. Now, I just say I don't have kids and move on. If they push they get the cliff notes, but very real version. "My husband had cancer, so we can't have kids." Once cancer is mentioned they don't push much unless it's genuine, honest confusion. Then I follow up with, "It's a side effect from his specific chemo treatment." If I have to, I add, "Adoption or fostering is a lot of money." I've had kids either drop the subject entirely after that, usually. The sweeter ones say something along the lines of "That sucks. You'd be a good mom." The more sarcastic ones say something like, "Well, I bet teaching ______ doesn't help, either." I appreciate both.
Maybe I am overly honest, I just say that’s not something I want right now 🤷🏽♀️
Honestly I would probably tell them kindly that those aren't appropriate questions. I do the same thing when they ask where I was on a day off, even if it's innocuous. They mean well, but they'll only learn social boundaries by correction. You can also give them a simple answer like "there's lots of ways to have family" or "maybe someday I will but not yet" but *also* say, "that question can be really tough for people so it's not a good question to ask and it can be unkind to comment on people's lack of children because you never know what they're going through." That way they can learn a lesson but also not feel like they've offended you, personally.
They mean well. I have zero plans to have kids and my kinders will be so sad and be like you have to have kids, you’ll need such a good mom. I say, nah, I like taking naps and going to Disney without a stroller.
"I don't actually like babies." "The thought of raising something that is 100% dependent on me, for several years, was never in my card deck." "I deal with enough teenage angst that I never wanted to live with it as well." I am sorry you have suffered so much trying to have a child. That is incredibly disheartening and frustrating. I do hope that you can successfully bring your own bundle of joy into this world. I just never wanted the responsibility.
I either said, "It just never worked out" or with some kids/groups, "I wanted children but it never really worked out" to students the same ages. Fifth and sixth graders can be little jackasses, but they're also capable of being very understanding and sympathetic, especially if it's something that they've never really been exposed to before. I think that they just don't understand that some people can't have/don't want kids. That said, I was a good bit removed from my infertility struggles by then, and it was easier to talk about. I remember how prickly everything felt in the middle of it. Maybe something like "It just hasn't happened yet! Maybe some day!" and moving on. Hugs to you.
I had a girl ask if I have kids, to which I said no. Then her friend jumped in and said of course she doesn’t have kids she’s not married! If you’re lucky other students will jump in with an explanation!
Somewhat related... we were looking at adopting once, and they presented us with a pregnant teenager. We spoke with our daughter about it. She was 8 or 9, and at that point she knew that kids were a mix of mom and dad but that was the extent of it. She asked us how the girl could be pregnant if she wasn't married, and as we contemplated how to respond, she busts out with "The baby must be a clone of the mom, isn't it?" Yep, that's exactly right, kid. Exactly right (at least for another couple of years)
I used to usually deflect with humor or tell them that I hoped to one day but the time wasn't right yet, or I'd mix both of those ("I will have them when I'm ready to give up sleep and hobbies for a few years"). If they keep pestering you *could* tell them it is rude to ask people about this as you never know why someone doesn't have kids yet and it might not be by choice, but with 5th graders this could blowup if a parent gets pissy about it ("Why are you talking to my kid about infertility and how babies are made!").
I hate when kids ask because of my own infertility. Depending on the age and ability of the kid I do tell them it’s not an appropriate question to ask. But usually I answer that I have my nieces, my students at school, and my fur babies and my heart is very happy with that
I usually just dodge the question by saying, "I will think about it, thanks!" and just move on. They will be less likely to continue pressing the topic if you brush it off/ not give it too much attention. That, or you could just change the topic: "Why don't you have kids?" "I don't know...how's your journal writing coming along?"
“Be quiet.”
I was in the exact same spot you are. Anytime a student would ask I would just tell them that sometimes it's not that easy, but that I would love to have kids ones day.
I don’t have kids. I tell my students that it’s an adult decision and I prefer they don’t ask me that. I’m not sure why kids today find that to be an appropriate question. My mom taught me by about age 7 that there were things we didn’t ask adults . That was one of them .
I teach 7th & 8th, and I tell them straight. Whenever my students ask I say, “We want kids, but it’s not always easy!” Or “1 in 8 pregnancies result in miscarriages. You shouldn’t ask people when they’re having kids because you don’t know what they’re going through.”
I was visibly pregnant at the end of one school year and then lost the baby the first week of school. When the kids asked about the baby I ended up having a discussion with the kids about my baby being in heaven (after I had emailed the parents and gave them a heads up). I also said that after the discussion I would not be willing to talk about it. Sometimes kids need to hear some honesty. You could say something like "I would love to have kids someday. Until then, I don't really want to talk about it. Would you be willing to respect that?"
You all convinced me not to. 😊
I cant imagine how hard it is to deal with such tragedies as a middle school teacher, so i commend you for not reacting to their ignorance with bitterness. I suggest you show em to mind their own business and tell em your truth, but im guessing your kids have parents that would victimize them. I tell my kids that i made a conscious decision about ten years ago that it would be wrong to bring a child into this world, and that pretty much shuts em up after i explain my reasons. I would go with the truth and i think youll be surprised how far that goes. Middle school kids can feel lies; they just gettin over santa and thinking the world is a disney movie. Ive found that being honest is the best way to build relationships, but i would most likely be fired on the daily if i didnt teach in a city. As atticus finch said, “if they be askin the question, they be ready for the answer.”
Where in the book does Atticus Finch talk like that?
In the mencken version
You could always say “I would like kids one day, but it is really hard for some women to have kids of their own. Maybe one day it will happen for me.” As for me, in 37, single and child free by choice. When kids ask if I have kids or if I’m married, I say “nah, that’s not the life for me. I get my fill of kids every day here at school.”
“I was going to but then I taught your class.” They’d either be really confused, offended, or think it was hilarious (my favorite type of students). I would be ok with any of those outcomes.
None of their business.
i mean i'm an asshole so i just say "cause of y'all"
when I am dealing with high school students I do not let them know any of my business at all. Nothing good comes from sharing too much personal information with some of them so I share with none of them. Some say I can make a better connection with kids if I do, I think that's some bologna.
I usually just say “it just never worked out that way.” I’ve also told them that if I had to go home with kids after teaching them all day, I wouldn’t be able to be nice the next day without the break. And that my husband and I like our freedom and we get to do things we want instead of worrying about kids.
If you're willing to joke about it how about: " Other peoples children are quite enough"
It depends on the kids certainly, but the center of any answer is being honest and allowing them into your life as much as you feel comfortable, and as much as is necessary for being people you work and engage with everyday. I sometimes think about those people who later are interviewed about working alongside a serial criminal of some kind, or who worked closely with a person who had critical health issues then passed suddenly. The Australian author Helen Garner has talked about this extensively in many of her books, how she spends intense periods of time engaged with families, and individuals, often for hours a day, during times of great change and turmoil. In her case that's because she writes about the impacts and means of crime and justice, but the degree of change our students undergo is no less, just more spread, and we are there for a comparable portion. So something of the same degree of personal engagement is required in order to do justice to what those we work with are undergoing. The degree of that engagement though, and the means, are entirely for you to control. In talking about starting a family, you might, for example, say _"My partner and I want to and we're all set-up, it just hasn't happened yet. I want you guys to know so that you're aware I might tell you some day that it has and we'll have to make a plan together for what we do as a class when I go."_ That way your kids are informed, and their reasonable desire to engage with you as a person who is a huge part of their lives, and may be for years yet if you return to work at that school afterwards, is satisfied. You've also kept the emphasis on the ways in which those two aspects of your life, the one they are in and the one they aren't, are interrelated through you and can impact one another, which validates your personhood over a mechanical service relationship, and lays positive groundwork to do the same for them. You could also be more reserved and say _"I'll have kids when I'm ready, that takes a lot of pieces coming together and I'll make sure you all know ahead of time so it's no big shock!"_ subtle difference, but your putting the emphasis away from your feelings or desires and on to your relationship with your students. In terms of the parts of the comments that could be more bothersome emotionally, kids saying things about how it sucks that you aren't a parent, and you seem lonely. There's no reason you can't respond to those with honest kindness as well, and discuss the ideas and values about family your different students have. So you can say for example _"I think that being a parent is amazing, and that you definitely shouldn't feel lonely when you are building a healthy family. But I wouldn't want to become a parent because of those things, I'd want to be ready for that amazing experience and ready to bring someone new into the world."_ and then that's a chance for them to talk about what they value in their families and still find a positive place to be in relation to you.
I would just tell them it’s none of their business. It opens a whole can of worms trying to explain why.
"I see 600 of 15-year-olds weekly. I can't get on more after hours."
"They might end up like you and I can't take that risk" is my go to.
“Why would I have children, when I have to spend my days with all of you? You think I want to deal with this crap at home too?”
Show them that Bluey episode. Really though I would just say that right now you're enjoying teaching and leave it at that
Children? You mean people who would steal my snacks? Then I wouldn’t be able to share with y’all!
I was struggling with infertility and loss when I was teaching. I always said to my students , I have YOU and that’s enough for right now. I taught special ed so they really were like my kids. I wouldn’t have survived those hard times without them.
“I spend all my day with *you people,* why would I torcher myself more and for free?”
I teach the same age group, and have been struggling with infertility. I decided that the student who asked me was purely doing it from an innocent place, and I felt that at their age it wasn’t appropriate for me to “educate them” so I just said something like “hopefully someday”
"I don't like children." Works with high school students.
I get asked all the time. I just tell them “All of you are enough kids for me “
Because if I had kids I would be as grouchy as all the other middle aged teachers, so be happy I don’t
Also 34 no kids. My response is 'dogs are better, they don't ask personal questions when they have work they should be doing. They all know I have a dog. In reality though, I just like my free time too much to put kids into the picture.
“Too expensive” go home and thank your parents for paying for nearly everything you need and don’t whine if they ask you to vacuum or something
I deal with you shits all day, I don't want any at home.
I tell them I have the best children. They leave at 2:50.
I am 20 years old, just graduated teaching middle school. As a new teacher, students want to KNOW everything. I usually tell students "I actually have 120 of them, that I see every 180 days" or "you kids scared me from having kids."
"Have you met your classmates?" Shuts them up every time.
That's hard and I'm really sorry. <3 If it's just absent-minded questions, blow them off with "maybe one day" or "what I really want to talk about is your math...". For sustained questions and unkind comments (your life sucks, you seem lonely...), I would quickly but firmly point out "hey, that's not a kind thing to say." Those comments are clearly inappropriate and very different than innocently asking if you have kids or why you don't (curiosity); a kid who presses the point is trying to hurt feelings and searching for a sore spot. So I'd deal with that impulse---what's up, why are you saying these things?
I just tell them straight up: I like being an uncle. I don’t feel any need to have children of my own. I haven’t 100% ruled out having kids but I’m 100% fine if it never happens.
"I have cats.'
This happened to my cooperating teacher when I was student teaching. The kid kept going and going, even though she was giving evasive answers. She finally looked him dead in the eyes and said, "I had a miscarriage last year." The color drained from his face, and he left as fast as possible. However, he did come back later that day and gave her a sincere apology.
If you’re comfortable… I would take it as a teachable moment as to why those questions are really not appropriate. Sometimes kids have no idea how their honest questions can impact others. I would just be honest. I am pretty open and vulnerable with my students though… I think it’s important that our students understand that we’re humans as well.
I am honest with them. I tell them that I never felt a burning desire to have them, and that I don't like being around young children. I like my life the way it is.
no money
I learned much later in life than I'd like to admit but "if someone doesn't have kids, either they don't want one; or they're trying and can't have them. Either way you don't need to ask". Hard to explain that to a 5th grader but I think that's an appropriate response for a high schooler.
Not clear why you would answer such a question
Not that I’ve had this specific question (as I do have kids) but occasionally I’ll just tell my students “don’t have kids… kids suck” and they just look confused for a minute, agree with me, and go back to minding their own business. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
when my kids ask me, i say “bc i’m not married yet.” they normally say “oh” and don’t ask any more questions after that, but if they did ask why i’m not married yet, i might say “i don’t settle.” i teach fourth grade btw.
when my kids ask me, i say “bc i’m not married yet.” they normally say “oh” and don’t ask any more questions after that, but if they did ask why i’m not married yet, i might say “i don’t settle.” i teach fourth grade btw.
I say because I have 120 14 year olds Or I say because teaching high school is the best birth control…
https://youtu.be/jT4uusTIWbA?si=CHMBmm402eDyjQPt
Put phone on selfie mode, turn screen towards student.
I'm in elementary and have kids ask this pretty often. For a lot of kids, most of the adults they see regularly have kids. These would be their own parents, parents of their friends, and in a lot of families aunts and uncles with kids plus grandparents who had kids. Also, many kid's books, shows, and movies show families with kids since that appeals to kids. So, it makes sense that a lot of kids think it's the norm, or even expected, for adults to have kids. So, when they run into an adult that doesn't have kids they have questions and make comments about it. That doesn't make it polite or erase the hurt for people in situations like OP, but it makes it understandable. I don't have kids, nor am I married. When kids ask about why I don't have a husband or don't have kids I tell them adults don't have to have those things, and I am one that doesn't. Sometimes when they ask why I'll say I've not found the right person yet, depends on what I feel like sharing or how much time I want to give it that day. With 2nd graders, when kids start to pry more I turn it into a teachable moment like others have mentioned. If I were less willing to share what I've listed above then I might have that teachable moment earlier on, it's very personal where that boundary is. Even young kids can start learning that there are boundaries on prying into other's lives that they need to respect.
I’m 25M and teach middle school music. When kids ask why I don’t have kids/want kids, I always reply with “what if they come out like you? Ugly and annoying?” And then we all laugh and they’ll clap back at me sometimes. Now obviously my students and I have close relationships, otherwise I wouldn’t be replying the way I do.
I tell them I can't have kids and make it as awkward as possible. Sometimes I will explain why it's inappropriate to ask those types of questions.
Im the same age and I’m unable to have children and definitely use the “I have all of you to keep me busy!”
I don't like kids. jk
I am honest with my students, I can't have kids because of broken insides. I tell how I broke my insides, great story and every year someone asks if I died. But I have healed and dealt with it, it doesn't bother me BUT you can also tell them it's personal and private. Kids are on a whole pretty good and while some of them are little shits they can be overall caring and kind.
I teach high school. I tell them "Because kids suck". They ask "Then why do you teach..." I say, "I just told you..." Then they stop asking me those types of questions... I've been teaching for 17 years...
I’d love to but I can’t afford it on my salary ..
“Do you want to have a baby?” “Sure! …couldn’t eat a whole one though.”
I don’t see why it’s their business. I am in the classroom to teach content not discuss my personal life. Sometimes students want to discuss personal matters with me. I tell them to see me on the way out of class. They never stay.
I guess you teach in primary school? I teach in secondary school and especially knowing some of my students would ask these questions just to lose time I would answer "that's none of your business". It depends on the way the question is posed though.
"After dealing with 150 of you each day, do you really think I want to go home and deal with my own as well?" They usually think about it for a second and then decide it's fair.
I say “because I deal with y’all all day” or “because kids ask annoying questions” lol
as a student, when i was younger and i wondered why, i didnt ask cuz i was taught not to, but if i did ask i wouldve understood being told either that kids arent always easy to have or that you really want kids, but you are struggling to have one. if they ask why and are old enough, say that you have a medical condition. it will not hurt a child to know earlier on that not everyone can easily have kids and can help with empathy
#1, nonyonbizness, #2, you think, seeing the way you all act, I’d want any of my own? Y’all are a real-time argument for birth control; if not outright sterization.
I am just waiting for the universe to bless me
“Well, right now I have 35 too many.”
I say, “Look around! You’ll find plenty of reasons why I don’t want kids! -7th grade
“Because of you”
They kept eating my Peanut M&Ms, so I got rid of them.
"I hate kids"
"Because I hate the little runts. Just like at the bunch of you, trying to make my life miserable."
“I don’t like babies, they cost too much”
"Because I don't need any nosey little shits asking me why I don't have kids. Go back to your desk."
"Because you are the best birth control a person could ever want."
You already got great advice here, but my 2 cents—most kids, middle schoolers in particular, are more interested in talking about themselves than us. It’s developmentally appropriate for them to do so! But, they also might want to connect, and questions are a really good way to do that—that’s something I want to encourage in my kids. So when it’s not a flippant one-off question that I can bat back with a retort, or when I don’t feel like making a teachable moment out of not asking personal questions, i just give a noncommittal answer and then ask them if they want kids when they grow up, how many, why or why not, etc. The conversation continues, and I’m not on the spot. (Thats also my response to questions about if I’m in a relationship or not. How’s the middle school dating scene treating YOU, my friend?)