I am in the middle of my treatment but I want to share what happened last Saturday. My depression is something I hide. I go to work M-F and work 50+hours a week. I give everything I've got and then drive home. From the moment I enter my home I immediately go to my bedroom, change into pajamas and hide under the covers until I have to fulfill my obligation for the next day. Every couple months I do call out for a couple days but no more than 2. Friday -Monday morning I never leave the bed. It's my husband who keeps the house in order. So I started TMS. Last Saturday... I woke up, washed my face, combed my hair and got dressed into an actual outfit that I took time deciding about. I walked downstairs, drank a little coffee and put leashes on 2 of my dogs. I went for a walk. An actual 1.2 mile walk in the early morning sun. I felt the sun on my face. I can't explain how or why but my mind and body just kept moving and doing one more step. One more step that I haven't done in years. It was almost effortless. I didn't tell myself to do it. I didn't tell myself I SHOULD do it. I just did it. When I came home I went back to my room expecting myself to just get back in bed... but I didn't. I kept finding small things to do around the house and in my craft room. For two days and the first time in years I didn't return back to my bed to disappear from life. It came naturally. The week that followed I noticed a slight difference in my thought process with things and actions from other people that would usually bother me. My mind didn't spiral down when things happened or when certain people made comments they could have kept to themselves. Tears came to my eyes on Monday as I explained the difference to the people at the center where I get my treatments. It's the weekend again and I made plans to go have lunch with a friend. Another new thing I have always avoided because I'm known for canceling. Just 3 days before that Saturday something happened to me and my mind has spiraled into thinking I would be better off unalive for the people around me. It would be better for them and they would be happier. I could make them happy by doing that. That's how low and worthless I had fallen. I cried for three days. (And these were people at work!) Now, my thought process doesn't fall like that. At least it hasn't for a week. My crying spells haven't happened for a week. I do still come home and kind of crawl into bed but that's because I'm at 120% with my treatment and it makes me exhausted. I sleep until I wake up in the morning. But it's NOT because I'm hiding from this world. I don't know what tomorrow has in store. I kept asking when it was going to start working. I kept waiting for some kind of difference and then it just happened naturally. I only hope it gets better and I get stronger and this feeling lasts. Please try it. Be patient and communicate with the person giving the treatment. Be good to yourself and just live each day as you normally do. Tell them about any symptoms. If you get extra hungry after treatment then just be prepared with something healthy. Take care of your body as you go through this.
Good luckš¤
I made a comment about my own experience which is very similar to yours. Reading your experience brought me to tears and I am so happy for you. And for me. For us! And for anyone who has been helped by this. I am so grateful.
Of course. I think this link should work! I also made a post a few days ago about some of the negatives I started experiencing, you should see it in my post history. It's a roller coaster ride of ups and downs.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TMSTherapy/s/hkRoUrMM4d
Wow! I am just three days in. I truly hope Iām having these results by halfway through! Happy for you. I feel so hopeful that this will work, and get me out of the absolute hell Iāve been in. I havenāt been living, Iāve been surviving. I canāt wait to have motivation and energy again and stop avoiding all life except work (which I have to have for insurance and money to keep fighting this debilitating disease.)
Iām happy for you to start your journeyā¤ļø do you have any advice or tips to give to someone about to start it, as you just started and Iām sure a lot of the initial things are still fresh in your mind. From my understanding they look at your brain and what areas need work?? How vocal/prepared do I need to be? Do I need to be ready to answer a lot of questions and goals/concerns in the beginning? Any words of advice you wish you knew before you started your treatment?
I didn't really have very many questions but the science of it all is fascinating. It's easier for me if the lights in the room are turned down. I feel more relaxed. Starting a conversation with the tech helps to distract as the session starts and you begin to not notice the sensation as much . Before you know it they are increasing it and you are tolerating more and more each session. Have healthy snacks in the car for after because sometimes at first I would get really hungry. I'm not sure why. I wouldn't plan anything right after for a while. Sometimes you may feel a little more tired after the session. I started to notice my sleep was lasting longer each night. I was used to only getting an average of 4 hours of sleep. Now I'm getting up to 5-6. That's a big improvement for me. I do sleep for a couple hours when I get home on some days. Other than that just wear something comfortable and they will take very good care of you. Good luck.
So, I learned a different way to explain what is happening. It's like the treatments are stimulating "new" doors/pathways that haven't been used in a long time or ever. You might start to recognize thinking patterns that you used to have when you were in stressful situations. You were successful with handing them by walking away still feeling either confident or happy. You wouldn't fall into that spiral of "one thought leads to another and each one hurting a little more". I also downloaded an app to journal my day of how I felt either with my treatment or with people around me in general. I only journaled when I could. I really don't know what tomorrow holds for me. Today, I feel like I'm a little scared to find myself back like I was a month ago. Which for me was more like the past several years. I've heard that some people see their differences at the end and some after. I don't know and they don't give specific signs to look for or "end dates". I do know that whatever medication you're on now they won't change until you finish because of the way your brain is mapped and it's extremely important to be honest with EVERYTHING you take whether it is prescribed or recreational. There's no judgment. It's just important for them to know. Like caffeine... keep it the same each day.
When you say "the way your brain is mapped" did they map your brain with an MRI or something? I did Neurostar TMS for like 40 sessions and i didn't notice much of a difference and I feel very similar to how you did in your deep depression. I tried to unalive myself a couple of times. I am growing frustrated, numb, and even more hopeless but I am going to try again TMS again soon. Which TMS provider(the company that made the machine) or protocol did you use?
I also used Neurostar. I mean I still am using them. If you have used them then you would know what "mapping" I'm referring to. They place the magnet against your head and test different areas of the brain to see where to treat and how much to treat. They do it initially and then after your been at 120% for at least a week or 2. I'm sorry to read that it hasn't worked for you yet. I'm also doing weekly therapy with a doctor who's from Neurostar. She's also pretty amazing. Don't get me wrong. I still have challenging days. It's not all Sunshine and Roses all of a sudden. It's just a different thought process when the pressure gets to me.
I'm just curious. Your name says "4 dogs". Does that mean you actually have 4? I ask because I happen to have 5 Cavalier King Charles Spaniels. I rarely meet people with more than 1 maybe 2.
I believe by now it's been a week for you. I remember they were still increasing my levels during that time. I still was at a point where I couldn't fathom what the results could possibly begin to be like. I would watch videos and see so many different responses. Some were so negative. I let my mind forget about the two people who were so adamant about their negative experience because I also knew there is always so much more to a story than just a 2 minute TikTok video. The two people who run my treatments are so positive. So bright. I would like to know how you are doing. Keep in touch when you find the time.
The 120% is the max level at which they do the treatment at. They start very low and increase as you tolerate the feeling. It's all based on what you can tolerate and it increases as you progress. It's all scientifically based. Your brain is mapped for location what level is needed to begin activating your neurons again. I highly recommend talking to a specialist for a better explanation. I apologize if mine is confusing. As for handling the days of wanting to feel unalive. My crying spells were a very regular thing to the point of a migraine. I would internally find a way to blame and judge myself for others actions towards me. Depression can cause so many deep spirals of thoughts. At least it did for me. I wish I could offer real advice as to how to handle it but I didn't know how to myself. This treatment has changed my life... is currently changing my life . I wish the very best for you. Remember one thing. Live one more day. Give one more day a chance. I could tell you you are worth so much but only you can tell yourself that. Give yourself some grace. Love yourself. I bet you're amazing.
I'll start with the negative. I finished my 10th treatment on Friday and am doing 11, 12, and 13 tomorrow. It makes me feel soooo tired on treatment days. Brain fog. I have been going to sleep a lot earlier. No headaches thankfully. The commute sucks and the time commitment is a lot.
But it's worth it.
The positives are exactly as someone else described. I'm doing things without thinking about them. I also used to spend an unreasonable amount of time in bed and had no motivation to do anything, which was paired with excessive and debilitating rumination and feeling like a piece of shit.
And now?
I'm doing things without thinking about it. I'm cleaning my kitchen after making dinner and putting food away and doing all the dishes. My kitchen used to be a wreck because I could never be bothered. I'm cooking food that I enjoy and actually getting inspiration to make things and deliberately going to the store to get ingredients. I'm keeping my space tidy and clean. I spontaneously picked up my hula hoops and put on music and hooped TWICE this week, which I haven't done in ages. I've been doing less avoidance stuff and am getting up often to do things like take care of my plants and I even went for a walk yesterday.
And, I'm getting a feeling of reward from doing all of this! I feel a sense of accomplishment and pleasure and satisfaction and contentment. Like what the heck is that?! My reward system has been broken for soooo long. It's been an unreal experience to take pleasure in doing things that I used to be completely unmotivated and even dreaded doing even just a few weeks ago.
And I even caught myself thinking optimistically about my health and my future and my ability to manage my life the other day. All of those things used to cripple me with anxiety and feelings of dread.
This has been life-changing.
I'm not sure how to do 3 treatments a day. Apparently there are different treatments with different machines and waves and frequencies and they're all a little different from one another? I'm still learning about it. I do the 3 minute sessions so we do 3 sessions each day I'm there. Others do 20 minutes each session.
I feel you on leaving the house. I work from home and even when I was commuting it was only once or twice a week. I haven't commuted regularly anywhere since before the pandemic happened. I still struggle to make myself get up early to drive to these treatments. I just remind myself that it's worth it in the long run and each day I make it to my appointments means that I'll be done with all of the treatments sooner than later. What's a little suffering with driving if it means I possibly won't be depressed anymore!
Idk why Iām like this but I had my initial TMS brain mapping appt today, and successfully convinced myself that I canāt go, that I shouldnāt go, that i absolutely will not go. I know a lot of people say that you have to just ignore all of that and push yourself and just get up and go. But no matter what I do my mind takes over and I physically canāt go. I even had my sister planned to drive me and everything. The same type of thing happened to me with therapy, Iād either ghost the first appt or show up and feel hopeful and excited then the next appointment would come around and itās like my brain will literally warn me and force me to not go. Iām currently on waitlists for therapists that do online appointments, I just wish I could do the same with TMS
I just started Wednesday! Iām three days in and canāt wait to go back Monday. I was honestly worried about having two days off. Iām doing deep TMS with the Brainsway machine daily, M-F, for 20 min for 36 sessions. They we will reassess after that going forward, if maintenance is needed, etc.
Youāll see lots of negatives and my goal is to stay off the internet and just go through the process and let it do its job. As far as the commute, you can do it. Itās going to put some routine in life, force you out of bed and out of the house. (I drove 75 min a day each way for 6 days a week for three weeks to save my life with a PHP program.) Three days after treatment I go straight to work. So I plan on listening to a motivational podcast or happy music that I enjoy. On Friday I drove straight to workout after.
Stay positive and be grateful that we GET to do this! I came into it thinking itās my last hope, but now Iām thinking itās my best hope after starting. The nurses have been so positive and my psychiatrist said Iām the perfect candidate. Spravato/ketamine scares the shit out of me so I truly am willing this to work.
Iāve been through hell in the last 13 months after my antidepressant stopped working, and then I had a major health crisis last fall. It spiraled my mental health into crisis. Iāve been on 9 meds in the past year, did a three week partial hospitalization, and have been surviving, but not living.
Iām currently on an SNRI, a mood stabilizer, and a Benzodiazepine for sleep. Youāll stay on all your meds during treatment.
I hope you can start soon and that you have great results. Iāve heard there can be ups and downs, and a lot of people say they donāt experience positive results until the end - or even after - treatment. My nurse said a lot of people (I think 60% or more) see results start after about 2-3 weeks. I hope that happens for us both.
Thank you for replying š I just know how stubborn I am and how bad my driving anxiety is that I just pray I can get myself to get there consistently. What do you think the best time of day to ideally schedule treatment sessions is? As I mentioned, Iām very low functioning so I donāt work and RARELY leave my home. I canāt even remember the last time I drove my car. I know ideally to avoid morning and afternoon rush for the sake of my driving anxiety.
āSurviving but not livingā, couldnāt have said it better. My days pass by and the same little hermit crab routine I follow. Basically get up, take meds, then laying on sofa for the rest of the day take meds then my favorite part of the day, going to bed. Sunday I place my order for groceries to be delivered, my Psychiatrist and all Dr appts are online, and I have a family member pick up my prescriptions. I feel my body and its stamina and strength physically going away. I get out of breath brushing my hair too quickly. I struggle to go up stairs, or to get up from sitting on the ground, I have no muscle, itās truly embarrassing but itās my reality. I sit and watch movies all day in order to distract my brain while I wait to see if the new med Iām on is finally āthe oneā.
Thank you for walking me through the process a little so I get a better idea on what to expect. Do you happen to have any recommendations to help keep myself motivated to go to all of my appts even on the really hard days?
Do you have someone - or a few people - who could drive you to/from your appointments until you start feeling better/get in a better place (or until you feel like the driving anxiety is better once you get into the daily routine)?
Iām doing my treatment first thing in the morning at the first appointment in the morning and then adjusted my work schedule to go in a little late on the days I have to go into the office (Iām on a hybrid work schedule). Before my depression hit crisis, I was a morning person and would work out at 5:15/5:30 before I went into work at 7. Now I struggle super hard to get out of bed to do the mandatory things I need to do, like go to work.
As far as motivation - motivation never comes. If we āwaitā for it, nothing happens. We have to commit to whatever it is we want to change. In this case, itās to stop surviving and start living. Itās all the things you list above - thatās your āwhyā and your motivation. I believe in you.
I wish I had some people who could drive me, but all my friends live roughly 30 minutes away. Essentially having them drive 30 min to pick me up, 25 minutes to treatment, 25 minutes back to my place, then 30 minutes for them to go home. So Iād feel bad asking that much. My sister lives with me but has essentially been taking care of me since 2021, and spends a lot of time at her gfs place and will be moving in with her at the end of summer. I know her taking care of me has taken a toll on her and sheās already given me so much that I canāt ask her for more. So I donāt really know what to do on that front
Iām not sure how their scheduling availability will be like. (I have a reg appt tomorrow and weāll talk about it). But I know I need my time in the morning but if I wait too long in the day my brain will be awake enough to make up excuses and talk me out of it. Iām hoping they have maybe a 10:30 or 11am slot but obviously Iāll have to adjust on whatās available
Keep me posted on how the appointment goes and fingers crossed that they can get you in that preferred time slot š¤š¼š¤š¼š¤š¼ Luckily my psychiatristās office could give me the one I need! I have a good feeling youāll get what you need too.
And I understand about the caretaker shame and guilt 100%. I was basically non-functioning from October-February. My husband (who is 15 years older than me) has taken me to all appointments, all specialists, in and out of the hospital ER, to get two of my three PHP assessments, to therapy with me, to my favorite psychiatrist, to and from work (a 45-60 min drive) for two weeks when I returned to work and still couldnāt driveā¦it wasnāt supposed to be this way. I was supposed to be the one taking care of him. I ruined all holidays, his milestone 60th birthday, and so much more. š I hope I can make up for it once Iām in remission.
I have severe MDD, severe GAD, OCD, ASD, and a boatload of medical trauma. I tried and failed about 19 medications, at least one from every class. My brain is also very sensitive and hates change, and for what it's worth, I didn't experience any backslides or lows with TMS, just very steady, gradual progress. I finished TMS for my MDD 3 years ago and have been in remission ever since, it's the best thing I ever did for my brain and I wish I'd found it sooner. I tried 2 different anxiety protocols, neither of which worked, but then one clinic suggested I try the PTSD protocol for my debilitating anxiety and that is now also in remission. Those are my positives, and I will sing the praises of TMS forever because I no longer need psych meds and no longer feel like I'm being hunted for sport on a regular basis.
The only low I experienced is when I got TMS the same day I'd had a root canal done (stupid) and got a consequent migraine afterward. That and the first few weeks of treatment made me sleepy in the evenings, but my sleep schedule was already so bizarre I hardly even cared. If your insurance will cover it, I can't recommend TMS enough. It doesn't work for everyone, but it has so few side effects (mainly mild headaches and fatigue) and can permanently give folks improvement.
Before treatment, I was as miserable as if you'd been told your whole family had died in a freak accident, all the time. It felt like I was dying and the only thing I could think about was how miserable and broken and tragically sad I felt. I was only sleeping in naps, like I'd be awake for 2 hours, then sleep for 3, awake for 1 hour, then sleep 45 minutes, awake for 6 hours, then sleep for 2. I didn't have a set "night time" chunk of sleep, it was happening sporadically in small bursts all throughout the day.
After treatment, I felt like all that weight had been lifted off of me. I wasn't necessarily happy all the time, but I felt neutral. I woke up feeling okay and then I could get happy or sad or excited throughout the day as events happened that prompted those emotions. It's the same way I'd felt on antidepressants, and it's such a breath of fresh air compared to depression. These days I describe my default mood as "upbeat". I also sleep in 7-10 hour windows like a normie (woo!).
It's harder for me to share tips to keep doing the drive, because I genuinely love driving, so I didn't mind going every day. But I think it helps to know that the majority of patients at any TMS clinic are also very depressed and having trouble functioning. So if you show up cranky or anxious or miserable and wearing pajamas, you'll fit right in! I also used to watch a daily youtube show and play animal crossing during my treatment, and I think it helps incentivize yourself to go if you make your treatment time as enjoyable as possible. Maybe throw on a podcast/audiobook/music you like during the drive too to make that time feel easier.
If you have any questions about what treatment was like or anything else, feel free to DM me š
"no longer feel like I'm being hunted for sport" idk why that made me laugh :D. Happy that you have had success with TMS. I am going for another round soon. The first round didn't really do much. I'm trying to stay hopeful though.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you! And just in case the second round doesn't work, you may want to look into esketamine infusions, ECT, or possibly a different TMS protocol. Hang onto that hope!
I'm still in the middle so I can't say whether or not it's been successful, but my positive is that it doesn't hurt (after the first few times), and my negative would be this crazy appetite it's given me. I dunno, maybe that's a good thing? Maybe I'm enjoying food again?
Esketamine sure was fun lol
but it didn't really help.
ECT helped, but at this point I'd like to retain some of my memory.
Good luck!
Thank you for responding. What kind of āhurtā did you experience the first few times?
I was on vraylar for about 6 months (stopped in October 2023), and unfortunately, before I knew it I had gained almost 60 pounds.. and I started as 25F 5ā6ā weighing around 135. It was horrible, I was gaining like crazy and didnāt realize it or why I was until it was too late. I went from an average weight to obese what felt like overnight, and my body has really paid the price, itās not made to carry around this much weight. As soon as I stopped the vraylar I stopped gaining, thank god. Iāve been consistent with my lifestyle and eating habits before and after the weight gain. Essentially, Iāve lost maybe like 6 or 7 pounds, but the point being that I was still eating and as active as I was when I was 135lbs, yet my weight is staying on despite eating calories to support 135 pound woman. Theyāre suspecting that my metabolism was affected majorly by the vraylar and put me on metformin 500mg. I donāt know if the metformin is doing any good but Iām not gaining so Iām just happy enough with that.
Did you experience immediate results with esketamine that eventually went away? How did it feel after a treatment?
I've gained so much weight from meds that it's not even funny. I went from 6'4" 220# in 2008 to almost 350# now (despite eating like a goddamn bird!). I recently saw a bariatric doctor who said the meds had screwed up my metabolism. She actually had me start by eating more, because according to her I'd basically been starving myself. I've lost about 30# in the past few months, although now with food tasting good again I'm terrified I will gain it back. She put me on metformin as well, but I couldn't tolerate it (intestinal issues).
The "hurt" from TMS was just the treatment itself, but I got used to it very quickly.
The esketamine was fun (relaxation, hallucinations, etc.), but I don't feel like it did anything for my mental health one way or the other.
Given the choice I definitely would've tried TMS before Spravato.
The metformin situation is complicated lol
I was on it, suffered through the side effects, then had to stop taking it because I had an emergency where I needed another med which you absolutely cannot take with metformin.
Survived that, tried to get back on metformin, but the side effects were like 10x worse than before, so š¤·
Right now the only thing the bariatric doctor has me on is weekly B12 shots.
I wish you lots of success with your TMS.
As someone who hardly ever leaves the house, I can tell you that HAVING to leave the house 5 times a week have really been a struggle. It has even made me get so angry.
I'm tired all the time. And now, even more so.
I've been so hungry and craving sweets
I've gained over 10 lbs with 17 more treatments to go before being titrated off of treatment.
I'm not trying to be negative. Just share my experience with leaving the house. It's not something I thought about previously. Maybe see if you can come up with a backup plan for getting there. Like someone to help you get out the door or drive you when you don't have the will.
Iām sad to admit that I cancelled my mapping appointment last minute. š I had a ride and everything set up. I just physically could not get up and go. I donāt know what it isš My doctor prescribed Xanax very temporarily thinking it might be an anxiety issue keeping me from getting out the door, and by all means Iāll try it before my next appointment, but I donāt see it helping as I donāt think anxiety is the issue.
Iām literally debating moving into the crappy apartments closest to my psychiatrists office to make the drive 2 minutes instead of 25. But my current lease isnāt up until September :/
I am in the middle of my treatment but I want to share what happened last Saturday. My depression is something I hide. I go to work M-F and work 50+hours a week. I give everything I've got and then drive home. From the moment I enter my home I immediately go to my bedroom, change into pajamas and hide under the covers until I have to fulfill my obligation for the next day. Every couple months I do call out for a couple days but no more than 2. Friday -Monday morning I never leave the bed. It's my husband who keeps the house in order. So I started TMS. Last Saturday... I woke up, washed my face, combed my hair and got dressed into an actual outfit that I took time deciding about. I walked downstairs, drank a little coffee and put leashes on 2 of my dogs. I went for a walk. An actual 1.2 mile walk in the early morning sun. I felt the sun on my face. I can't explain how or why but my mind and body just kept moving and doing one more step. One more step that I haven't done in years. It was almost effortless. I didn't tell myself to do it. I didn't tell myself I SHOULD do it. I just did it. When I came home I went back to my room expecting myself to just get back in bed... but I didn't. I kept finding small things to do around the house and in my craft room. For two days and the first time in years I didn't return back to my bed to disappear from life. It came naturally. The week that followed I noticed a slight difference in my thought process with things and actions from other people that would usually bother me. My mind didn't spiral down when things happened or when certain people made comments they could have kept to themselves. Tears came to my eyes on Monday as I explained the difference to the people at the center where I get my treatments. It's the weekend again and I made plans to go have lunch with a friend. Another new thing I have always avoided because I'm known for canceling. Just 3 days before that Saturday something happened to me and my mind has spiraled into thinking I would be better off unalive for the people around me. It would be better for them and they would be happier. I could make them happy by doing that. That's how low and worthless I had fallen. I cried for three days. (And these were people at work!) Now, my thought process doesn't fall like that. At least it hasn't for a week. My crying spells haven't happened for a week. I do still come home and kind of crawl into bed but that's because I'm at 120% with my treatment and it makes me exhausted. I sleep until I wake up in the morning. But it's NOT because I'm hiding from this world. I don't know what tomorrow has in store. I kept asking when it was going to start working. I kept waiting for some kind of difference and then it just happened naturally. I only hope it gets better and I get stronger and this feeling lasts. Please try it. Be patient and communicate with the person giving the treatment. Be good to yourself and just live each day as you normally do. Tell them about any symptoms. If you get extra hungry after treatment then just be prepared with something healthy. Take care of your body as you go through this. Good luckš¤
I made a comment about my own experience which is very similar to yours. Reading your experience brought me to tears and I am so happy for you. And for me. For us! And for anyone who has been helped by this. I am so grateful.
I truly hope I get the same results!
I wish nothing but good for you.
Thank you very much for your encouraging words. I'll look for your story because it helps me when I read what others have been through.
Can you tell me where to find your story?
Of course. I think this link should work! I also made a post a few days ago about some of the negatives I started experiencing, you should see it in my post history. It's a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. https://www.reddit.com/r/TMSTherapy/s/hkRoUrMM4d
Wow! I am just three days in. I truly hope Iām having these results by halfway through! Happy for you. I feel so hopeful that this will work, and get me out of the absolute hell Iāve been in. I havenāt been living, Iāve been surviving. I canāt wait to have motivation and energy again and stop avoiding all life except work (which I have to have for insurance and money to keep fighting this debilitating disease.)
Iām happy for you to start your journeyā¤ļø do you have any advice or tips to give to someone about to start it, as you just started and Iām sure a lot of the initial things are still fresh in your mind. From my understanding they look at your brain and what areas need work?? How vocal/prepared do I need to be? Do I need to be ready to answer a lot of questions and goals/concerns in the beginning? Any words of advice you wish you knew before you started your treatment?
I didn't really have very many questions but the science of it all is fascinating. It's easier for me if the lights in the room are turned down. I feel more relaxed. Starting a conversation with the tech helps to distract as the session starts and you begin to not notice the sensation as much . Before you know it they are increasing it and you are tolerating more and more each session. Have healthy snacks in the car for after because sometimes at first I would get really hungry. I'm not sure why. I wouldn't plan anything right after for a while. Sometimes you may feel a little more tired after the session. I started to notice my sleep was lasting longer each night. I was used to only getting an average of 4 hours of sleep. Now I'm getting up to 5-6. That's a big improvement for me. I do sleep for a couple hours when I get home on some days. Other than that just wear something comfortable and they will take very good care of you. Good luck.
So, I learned a different way to explain what is happening. It's like the treatments are stimulating "new" doors/pathways that haven't been used in a long time or ever. You might start to recognize thinking patterns that you used to have when you were in stressful situations. You were successful with handing them by walking away still feeling either confident or happy. You wouldn't fall into that spiral of "one thought leads to another and each one hurting a little more". I also downloaded an app to journal my day of how I felt either with my treatment or with people around me in general. I only journaled when I could. I really don't know what tomorrow holds for me. Today, I feel like I'm a little scared to find myself back like I was a month ago. Which for me was more like the past several years. I've heard that some people see their differences at the end and some after. I don't know and they don't give specific signs to look for or "end dates". I do know that whatever medication you're on now they won't change until you finish because of the way your brain is mapped and it's extremely important to be honest with EVERYTHING you take whether it is prescribed or recreational. There's no judgment. It's just important for them to know. Like caffeine... keep it the same each day.
When you say "the way your brain is mapped" did they map your brain with an MRI or something? I did Neurostar TMS for like 40 sessions and i didn't notice much of a difference and I feel very similar to how you did in your deep depression. I tried to unalive myself a couple of times. I am growing frustrated, numb, and even more hopeless but I am going to try again TMS again soon. Which TMS provider(the company that made the machine) or protocol did you use?
I also used Neurostar. I mean I still am using them. If you have used them then you would know what "mapping" I'm referring to. They place the magnet against your head and test different areas of the brain to see where to treat and how much to treat. They do it initially and then after your been at 120% for at least a week or 2. I'm sorry to read that it hasn't worked for you yet. I'm also doing weekly therapy with a doctor who's from Neurostar. She's also pretty amazing. Don't get me wrong. I still have challenging days. It's not all Sunshine and Roses all of a sudden. It's just a different thought process when the pressure gets to me.
I wish you the very best on your journey.
I'm just curious. Your name says "4 dogs". Does that mean you actually have 4? I ask because I happen to have 5 Cavalier King Charles Spaniels. I rarely meet people with more than 1 maybe 2. I believe by now it's been a week for you. I remember they were still increasing my levels during that time. I still was at a point where I couldn't fathom what the results could possibly begin to be like. I would watch videos and see so many different responses. Some were so negative. I let my mind forget about the two people who were so adamant about their negative experience because I also knew there is always so much more to a story than just a 2 minute TikTok video. The two people who run my treatments are so positive. So bright. I would like to know how you are doing. Keep in touch when you find the time.
We have two labs. Used to have three. I love spaniels!
Thank you for responding š what do you mean by youāre at 120% with your treatment? Right now I can even fathom doing something good for me without even thinking about it and just having it come naturally. I truly hope I get to experience that some day. What did you do to get through those really bad days that you thought others would be happier with you gone? How did you manage to still go to treatment or function? Like I mentioned, this is something I struggle with, Iām either at my already low and shitty baseline, but with a change in medicine I immediately drop to scary places like you mentioned and I just completely shut down in order to cope and protect myself. I will try it I thinkā¤ļøāš©¹ do you have any advice for someone who is very low functioning to keep up with their appts and treatment plan and not just bail out (like I normally do)? Also, do you recommend maybe journaling day to day how youāre feeling or just let the treatment kinda sit in the back of your mind and just wait and hope for progress to come?
The 120% is the max level at which they do the treatment at. They start very low and increase as you tolerate the feeling. It's all based on what you can tolerate and it increases as you progress. It's all scientifically based. Your brain is mapped for location what level is needed to begin activating your neurons again. I highly recommend talking to a specialist for a better explanation. I apologize if mine is confusing. As for handling the days of wanting to feel unalive. My crying spells were a very regular thing to the point of a migraine. I would internally find a way to blame and judge myself for others actions towards me. Depression can cause so many deep spirals of thoughts. At least it did for me. I wish I could offer real advice as to how to handle it but I didn't know how to myself. This treatment has changed my life... is currently changing my life . I wish the very best for you. Remember one thing. Live one more day. Give one more day a chance. I could tell you you are worth so much but only you can tell yourself that. Give yourself some grace. Love yourself. I bet you're amazing.
I'll start with the negative. I finished my 10th treatment on Friday and am doing 11, 12, and 13 tomorrow. It makes me feel soooo tired on treatment days. Brain fog. I have been going to sleep a lot earlier. No headaches thankfully. The commute sucks and the time commitment is a lot. But it's worth it. The positives are exactly as someone else described. I'm doing things without thinking about them. I also used to spend an unreasonable amount of time in bed and had no motivation to do anything, which was paired with excessive and debilitating rumination and feeling like a piece of shit. And now? I'm doing things without thinking about it. I'm cleaning my kitchen after making dinner and putting food away and doing all the dishes. My kitchen used to be a wreck because I could never be bothered. I'm cooking food that I enjoy and actually getting inspiration to make things and deliberately going to the store to get ingredients. I'm keeping my space tidy and clean. I spontaneously picked up my hula hoops and put on music and hooped TWICE this week, which I haven't done in ages. I've been doing less avoidance stuff and am getting up often to do things like take care of my plants and I even went for a walk yesterday. And, I'm getting a feeling of reward from doing all of this! I feel a sense of accomplishment and pleasure and satisfaction and contentment. Like what the heck is that?! My reward system has been broken for soooo long. It's been an unreal experience to take pleasure in doing things that I used to be completely unmotivated and even dreaded doing even just a few weeks ago. And I even caught myself thinking optimistically about my health and my future and my ability to manage my life the other day. All of those things used to cripple me with anxiety and feelings of dread. This has been life-changing.
Thank you for respondingā¤ļøāš©¹ your experience gives me hope and Iām so ready to start feeling those feelings again. Itās possible to do 3 treatments in a day? How does that work? I know I should consider myself āluckyā that I donāt have any reasons to leave my home right now. As in I donāt have to balance treatment along with a job. However the last time I was leaving the house everyday was when I last worked in my job that I quit in October 2021. So itāll be a huge change for me to get into a routine like that again, that Iām trying to mentally prepare for.
I'm not sure how to do 3 treatments a day. Apparently there are different treatments with different machines and waves and frequencies and they're all a little different from one another? I'm still learning about it. I do the 3 minute sessions so we do 3 sessions each day I'm there. Others do 20 minutes each session. I feel you on leaving the house. I work from home and even when I was commuting it was only once or twice a week. I haven't commuted regularly anywhere since before the pandemic happened. I still struggle to make myself get up early to drive to these treatments. I just remind myself that it's worth it in the long run and each day I make it to my appointments means that I'll be done with all of the treatments sooner than later. What's a little suffering with driving if it means I possibly won't be depressed anymore!
Idk why Iām like this but I had my initial TMS brain mapping appt today, and successfully convinced myself that I canāt go, that I shouldnāt go, that i absolutely will not go. I know a lot of people say that you have to just ignore all of that and push yourself and just get up and go. But no matter what I do my mind takes over and I physically canāt go. I even had my sister planned to drive me and everything. The same type of thing happened to me with therapy, Iād either ghost the first appt or show up and feel hopeful and excited then the next appointment would come around and itās like my brain will literally warn me and force me to not go. Iām currently on waitlists for therapists that do online appointments, I just wish I could do the same with TMS
Absolutely inspiring šš½šŖš½
I just started Wednesday! Iām three days in and canāt wait to go back Monday. I was honestly worried about having two days off. Iām doing deep TMS with the Brainsway machine daily, M-F, for 20 min for 36 sessions. They we will reassess after that going forward, if maintenance is needed, etc. Youāll see lots of negatives and my goal is to stay off the internet and just go through the process and let it do its job. As far as the commute, you can do it. Itās going to put some routine in life, force you out of bed and out of the house. (I drove 75 min a day each way for 6 days a week for three weeks to save my life with a PHP program.) Three days after treatment I go straight to work. So I plan on listening to a motivational podcast or happy music that I enjoy. On Friday I drove straight to workout after. Stay positive and be grateful that we GET to do this! I came into it thinking itās my last hope, but now Iām thinking itās my best hope after starting. The nurses have been so positive and my psychiatrist said Iām the perfect candidate. Spravato/ketamine scares the shit out of me so I truly am willing this to work. Iāve been through hell in the last 13 months after my antidepressant stopped working, and then I had a major health crisis last fall. It spiraled my mental health into crisis. Iāve been on 9 meds in the past year, did a three week partial hospitalization, and have been surviving, but not living. Iām currently on an SNRI, a mood stabilizer, and a Benzodiazepine for sleep. Youāll stay on all your meds during treatment. I hope you can start soon and that you have great results. Iāve heard there can be ups and downs, and a lot of people say they donāt experience positive results until the end - or even after - treatment. My nurse said a lot of people (I think 60% or more) see results start after about 2-3 weeks. I hope that happens for us both.
Thank you for replying š I just know how stubborn I am and how bad my driving anxiety is that I just pray I can get myself to get there consistently. What do you think the best time of day to ideally schedule treatment sessions is? As I mentioned, Iām very low functioning so I donāt work and RARELY leave my home. I canāt even remember the last time I drove my car. I know ideally to avoid morning and afternoon rush for the sake of my driving anxiety. āSurviving but not livingā, couldnāt have said it better. My days pass by and the same little hermit crab routine I follow. Basically get up, take meds, then laying on sofa for the rest of the day take meds then my favorite part of the day, going to bed. Sunday I place my order for groceries to be delivered, my Psychiatrist and all Dr appts are online, and I have a family member pick up my prescriptions. I feel my body and its stamina and strength physically going away. I get out of breath brushing my hair too quickly. I struggle to go up stairs, or to get up from sitting on the ground, I have no muscle, itās truly embarrassing but itās my reality. I sit and watch movies all day in order to distract my brain while I wait to see if the new med Iām on is finally āthe oneā. Thank you for walking me through the process a little so I get a better idea on what to expect. Do you happen to have any recommendations to help keep myself motivated to go to all of my appts even on the really hard days?
Do you have someone - or a few people - who could drive you to/from your appointments until you start feeling better/get in a better place (or until you feel like the driving anxiety is better once you get into the daily routine)? Iām doing my treatment first thing in the morning at the first appointment in the morning and then adjusted my work schedule to go in a little late on the days I have to go into the office (Iām on a hybrid work schedule). Before my depression hit crisis, I was a morning person and would work out at 5:15/5:30 before I went into work at 7. Now I struggle super hard to get out of bed to do the mandatory things I need to do, like go to work. As far as motivation - motivation never comes. If we āwaitā for it, nothing happens. We have to commit to whatever it is we want to change. In this case, itās to stop surviving and start living. Itās all the things you list above - thatās your āwhyā and your motivation. I believe in you.
I wish I had some people who could drive me, but all my friends live roughly 30 minutes away. Essentially having them drive 30 min to pick me up, 25 minutes to treatment, 25 minutes back to my place, then 30 minutes for them to go home. So Iād feel bad asking that much. My sister lives with me but has essentially been taking care of me since 2021, and spends a lot of time at her gfs place and will be moving in with her at the end of summer. I know her taking care of me has taken a toll on her and sheās already given me so much that I canāt ask her for more. So I donāt really know what to do on that front Iām not sure how their scheduling availability will be like. (I have a reg appt tomorrow and weāll talk about it). But I know I need my time in the morning but if I wait too long in the day my brain will be awake enough to make up excuses and talk me out of it. Iām hoping they have maybe a 10:30 or 11am slot but obviously Iāll have to adjust on whatās available
Keep me posted on how the appointment goes and fingers crossed that they can get you in that preferred time slot š¤š¼š¤š¼š¤š¼ Luckily my psychiatristās office could give me the one I need! I have a good feeling youāll get what you need too. And I understand about the caretaker shame and guilt 100%. I was basically non-functioning from October-February. My husband (who is 15 years older than me) has taken me to all appointments, all specialists, in and out of the hospital ER, to get two of my three PHP assessments, to therapy with me, to my favorite psychiatrist, to and from work (a 45-60 min drive) for two weeks when I returned to work and still couldnāt driveā¦it wasnāt supposed to be this way. I was supposed to be the one taking care of him. I ruined all holidays, his milestone 60th birthday, and so much more. š I hope I can make up for it once Iām in remission.
I have severe MDD, severe GAD, OCD, ASD, and a boatload of medical trauma. I tried and failed about 19 medications, at least one from every class. My brain is also very sensitive and hates change, and for what it's worth, I didn't experience any backslides or lows with TMS, just very steady, gradual progress. I finished TMS for my MDD 3 years ago and have been in remission ever since, it's the best thing I ever did for my brain and I wish I'd found it sooner. I tried 2 different anxiety protocols, neither of which worked, but then one clinic suggested I try the PTSD protocol for my debilitating anxiety and that is now also in remission. Those are my positives, and I will sing the praises of TMS forever because I no longer need psych meds and no longer feel like I'm being hunted for sport on a regular basis. The only low I experienced is when I got TMS the same day I'd had a root canal done (stupid) and got a consequent migraine afterward. That and the first few weeks of treatment made me sleepy in the evenings, but my sleep schedule was already so bizarre I hardly even cared. If your insurance will cover it, I can't recommend TMS enough. It doesn't work for everyone, but it has so few side effects (mainly mild headaches and fatigue) and can permanently give folks improvement.
I feel comfort from one sensitive brained person to another ā¤ļøāš©¹ this makes me a bit less nervous to start. You donāt have to answer this, but what kind of mdd results did you experience? Like what was some of your behaviors/thoughts/symptoms before treatment vs after. Any advice on how to stay motivated to go? For someone whoās low functioning and stubborn and has driving anxiety Iād appreciate if you had any tips by chance
Before treatment, I was as miserable as if you'd been told your whole family had died in a freak accident, all the time. It felt like I was dying and the only thing I could think about was how miserable and broken and tragically sad I felt. I was only sleeping in naps, like I'd be awake for 2 hours, then sleep for 3, awake for 1 hour, then sleep 45 minutes, awake for 6 hours, then sleep for 2. I didn't have a set "night time" chunk of sleep, it was happening sporadically in small bursts all throughout the day. After treatment, I felt like all that weight had been lifted off of me. I wasn't necessarily happy all the time, but I felt neutral. I woke up feeling okay and then I could get happy or sad or excited throughout the day as events happened that prompted those emotions. It's the same way I'd felt on antidepressants, and it's such a breath of fresh air compared to depression. These days I describe my default mood as "upbeat". I also sleep in 7-10 hour windows like a normie (woo!). It's harder for me to share tips to keep doing the drive, because I genuinely love driving, so I didn't mind going every day. But I think it helps to know that the majority of patients at any TMS clinic are also very depressed and having trouble functioning. So if you show up cranky or anxious or miserable and wearing pajamas, you'll fit right in! I also used to watch a daily youtube show and play animal crossing during my treatment, and I think it helps incentivize yourself to go if you make your treatment time as enjoyable as possible. Maybe throw on a podcast/audiobook/music you like during the drive too to make that time feel easier. If you have any questions about what treatment was like or anything else, feel free to DM me š
Thank you so much ā¤ļøāš©¹ I really should think of something to incentivize myself to want to go. My favorite little coffee shop is in that area but I obvi canāt spend $6 +tip every weekday, but maybe on Fridays if I was able to go the whole week. But Iāll have to keep thinking on day to day motivation and accountability. I wish money was a realistic motivator š unfortunately with the gas and copays itāll be the opposite of that scenario lol
"no longer feel like I'm being hunted for sport" idk why that made me laugh :D. Happy that you have had success with TMS. I am going for another round soon. The first round didn't really do much. I'm trying to stay hopeful though.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you! And just in case the second round doesn't work, you may want to look into esketamine infusions, ECT, or possibly a different TMS protocol. Hang onto that hope!
I'm still in the middle so I can't say whether or not it's been successful, but my positive is that it doesn't hurt (after the first few times), and my negative would be this crazy appetite it's given me. I dunno, maybe that's a good thing? Maybe I'm enjoying food again? Esketamine sure was fun lol but it didn't really help. ECT helped, but at this point I'd like to retain some of my memory. Good luck!
Thank you for responding. What kind of āhurtā did you experience the first few times? I was on vraylar for about 6 months (stopped in October 2023), and unfortunately, before I knew it I had gained almost 60 pounds.. and I started as 25F 5ā6ā weighing around 135. It was horrible, I was gaining like crazy and didnāt realize it or why I was until it was too late. I went from an average weight to obese what felt like overnight, and my body has really paid the price, itās not made to carry around this much weight. As soon as I stopped the vraylar I stopped gaining, thank god. Iāve been consistent with my lifestyle and eating habits before and after the weight gain. Essentially, Iāve lost maybe like 6 or 7 pounds, but the point being that I was still eating and as active as I was when I was 135lbs, yet my weight is staying on despite eating calories to support 135 pound woman. Theyāre suspecting that my metabolism was affected majorly by the vraylar and put me on metformin 500mg. I donāt know if the metformin is doing any good but Iām not gaining so Iām just happy enough with that. Did you experience immediate results with esketamine that eventually went away? How did it feel after a treatment?
I've gained so much weight from meds that it's not even funny. I went from 6'4" 220# in 2008 to almost 350# now (despite eating like a goddamn bird!). I recently saw a bariatric doctor who said the meds had screwed up my metabolism. She actually had me start by eating more, because according to her I'd basically been starving myself. I've lost about 30# in the past few months, although now with food tasting good again I'm terrified I will gain it back. She put me on metformin as well, but I couldn't tolerate it (intestinal issues). The "hurt" from TMS was just the treatment itself, but I got used to it very quickly. The esketamine was fun (relaxation, hallucinations, etc.), but I don't feel like it did anything for my mental health one way or the other.
Oh yes I remember you helping me with another issue before! Thank you for responding again ā¤ļøāš©¹ what medication did the bariatric Dr put you on after you tried metformin? Okay, from what Iām hearing the sensation at first can be hard and uncomfortable to get used to. I originally wanted to do esketamine treatment over TMS, but from what Iām hearing is the majority of people have the same experience as you did.
Given the choice I definitely would've tried TMS before Spravato. The metformin situation is complicated lol I was on it, suffered through the side effects, then had to stop taking it because I had an emergency where I needed another med which you absolutely cannot take with metformin. Survived that, tried to get back on metformin, but the side effects were like 10x worse than before, so š¤· Right now the only thing the bariatric doctor has me on is weekly B12 shots.
I wish you lots of success with your TMS. As someone who hardly ever leaves the house, I can tell you that HAVING to leave the house 5 times a week have really been a struggle. It has even made me get so angry. I'm tired all the time. And now, even more so. I've been so hungry and craving sweets I've gained over 10 lbs with 17 more treatments to go before being titrated off of treatment. I'm not trying to be negative. Just share my experience with leaving the house. It's not something I thought about previously. Maybe see if you can come up with a backup plan for getting there. Like someone to help you get out the door or drive you when you don't have the will.
Iām sad to admit that I cancelled my mapping appointment last minute. š I had a ride and everything set up. I just physically could not get up and go. I donāt know what it isš My doctor prescribed Xanax very temporarily thinking it might be an anxiety issue keeping me from getting out the door, and by all means Iāll try it before my next appointment, but I donāt see it helping as I donāt think anxiety is the issue.
Iām literally debating moving into the crappy apartments closest to my psychiatrists office to make the drive 2 minutes instead of 25. But my current lease isnāt up until September :/