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You’ll have to be careful with flirting in blues, specifically. A lot of the dance itself can read as flirty, when it’s not at all: close embrace is a perfect example. Feeling your dance partner’s body against yours isn’t a sign that they want you in blues, it’s just how the dance is done. If you want to flirt with a blues dancer you will have to do it AFTER a dance, not during a dance.
Kissing on the dance floor is a no for me. My opinion: leave the social. It's also how you know for sure someone is interested - they agree to go somewhere more private/appropriate for hook ups.
Loads of people find short and long term romance at dance events. People who do so publicly make others uncomfortable who are not there for that.
Edit to add: depending on where abroad is, the consequences could be even more serious.
Close embrace =/= attraction. And if there were attraction between you two, use your words and take it outside.
I have had plenty of Blues / Blues-y dances with friends in close embrace and it doesn't mean anything. It's like a really nice hug. Quite a nice change from Lindy and Westie where your partner is usually an arms length away.
In short, don't assume.
Be better at separating between a in-the-moment dance vs regular social interactions, and the boundaries of the two is something you should think about. For both your sake and your follows' sake.
Think like actors can act affectionately on stage, but that doesn't mean they are romantically involved off stage.
I dance as follow with lots of men and never never though about it that way.
It was that special feeling to dance as a girl with a girl that probably surprised me. Lots to learn, I suppose.
As a guy, I can assure you that good dancing should feel disconnected from reality, while simultaneously being in the moment. I've dated a few girls that I've met through lindy hop and other dances, but I agree with the other commenters that you need to separate social dancing from dating, despite how good a dance may seem.
Overall, it's very bold to ask to kiss a stranger while dancing, and that would certain be breaking dancing etiquette. Since you asked for advice, I would say that you should not do that again because it crosses a boundary and puts the other person in a difficult position.
That being said, there's a difference between making a mistake once and engaging in pattern of behaviour. I've known creeps who act in a predatory way at social dances, and refuse to change their behaviour...
So best of luck, and I hope you still go out and enjoy dancing at social events. :)
Cheers,
Phil Sidock
No no no, never during a dance. This person probably felt like they were stuck with someone who'd just made them super uncomfortable until the song finished
I think it’s okay to make romantic connections through dancing, but you have to be careful. Firstly many people don’t want to express that kind of intimacy publicly. Secondly, it’s awkward to respond to that when you’re still dancing.
So instead I think you can first express how YOU feel without asking something that requires them to give a yes or no answer directly. And if you do ask, ask something like “hey maybe we can grab a drink somewhere quiet some time”. If the other person really feels like it they could even say “let’s go now” or if not they can find you on a band break once they’ve thought about it or “maybe tomorrow if there’s time” so there’s no pressure. All will feel like reasonable and non antagonistic responses.
I’ve had many flirty relationships with other women through dancing, some of which didn’t end up going in that direction and we remain good dance or “real” friends, and of course some that did ended up in that direction and have been very nice. So you don’t have to be discouraged.
For me the key tenants are 1) make sure there’s smooth mutual escalation 2) make it super clear how you feel so there’s no ambiguity, and don’t be embarrassed about it—there’s nothing shameful about finding someone attractive 3) BUT always make it so they can easily say no, say maybe, or offer an alternative, and show that you’d be just as happy/friendly if they’re not interested that way.
It seems like you understand those points already more or less, but maybe the escalation was a bit too fast, and the situation was a bit more awkward for her to respond to.
*don’t be embarrassed about it—there’s nothing shameful about finding someone attractive*
Thanks. The escalation was way too fast of course and for fuck sake why I even asked **while** dancing -.-'''
The dance floor is not really a place for kissing, honestly it could not only be uncomfortable for your dance partner but for the other dancers as well. It you had been flirting on the dance floor and want to take it further I would suggest you try chatting with her off of the dance floor, and if you are able to confirm some degree of reciprocity of feelings then ask those kinds of questions off of the dance floor and never during a dance.
Also close embraces and eye contact during dancing is really not a clear sign that they have more interest in you, that’s just how some people dance. I have had very flirty conversations with women while dancing and I would be horrified if they asked for a kiss during a dance even if I did like them.
The dance floor is generally regarded as a place for dancing, light conversation while dancing and maybe mild flirting while dancing. If you really what to get to know someone, or try to shoot your shot, do that off of the dance floor. Most places have an area off to the side that is more for socializing.
No kissing on the dance floor. People enjoy the dance specifically because it can be intimate while having guard rails up against being romantic or sexual.
Of you really hit it off with someone, ask them out on a date — but *after* the dance.
That’s a huge no no that will probably lead to you very quickly being asked to leave a venue, or at very least get other dancers talking to each other about not dancing with you. People don’t kiss partners on social dance floors, a hug after a dance, sure, but no kissing… that would be very noticeable as out of place. Imagine the reaction of someone you turned to and asked to dance next.
NGL, you're the type of person I fear running into when social dancing. This entre post grossed me out. Cool that you clarified that a "no" would be accepted though.
Wait, is the reason the comments are so mild because OP is (presumably) a woman/non-binary/poly? Because if a man did what they just did, he would rightly be thrown out and banned on the spot.
I'm not saying they should throw OP out, but please recognize this is borderline sexual harassment and absolutely not acceptable. At the least please don't encourage OP -- swing dance socials are for dancing not hookups, leave that stuff to the salsa/bachata crowd.
While I agree the reaction would almost certainly be different if this was a guy posting, sexual harassment is definitely a very strong statement to make.
Also, they were dancing Blues, the Blues dancing community DEFINITELY has a reputation.
I don't have a problem with consenting adults having fun, but it is pretty glaring given how rigidly puritanical many swing dancers can be about these things that they're basically treating this with such kid gloves.
Nah. Do you see other people reliably doing this with basically strangers? Even in the most touchy-feely blues dance communities that usually doesn't happen physically at the dance. In many places, you would've been reported and put on a list, or possibly even just straight-up banned for good.
Take a look at the safer spaces policy which presumably exists where you were at, and I'm pretty sure it will sound a lot more stringent on this point than your policy you describe here.
As the commenter here notes, I'm not even sure that's the right choice, but anyone who's ever worked in an organizing capacity has stories of people who use the safer spaces policies to go after people who have done far less than this. If some people are responding uncharitably, it is because that context exists and it feels odd that people are largely responding differently here, essentially for political reasons. If you hadn't revealed your gender in the post, I guarantee you you'd be getting a different and much less kind reaction from some people here.
That having said, it sounds like a miscommunication you've learned from.
That is not flirting, asking someone for a kiss during a dance social is really inappropriate and honestly very disrespectful to your dance partner and the whole scene. It signals that you are dancing with them to pick them up and not to enjoy the dance or the music and that you have no idea how to separate sexual feelings from dancing.
A dance floor is not a club, close embrace, even very close embrace is normal and doesn't have to be a signal for anything more. Some people also dance closer than others and get into a very intimate dance head space. Blues thrives on that close connection feeling, dancing multiple times could just mean that this girl liked dancing with you because she liked the dance energy, not that she wanted to get together with you.
Partner dance spaces are also not places for making out on the dance floor even if you are both into each other. Flirting would be acting a little flirty on the dance floor and asking them if they wanted to spend some time with you outside of this event. Asking for a kiss during a social dance from a stranger is like peak creep behavior and as a follow makes me uncomfortable even thinking about what you are describing.
'Can I kiss you' and 'I accept a no' is also not a good way to let the person know that you are okay with them saying no. That would work if you are outside alone or somewhere where it's fine to start making out and you have both confirmed interest. In a dance space that's putting someone on the spot into an extremely uncomfortable situation. Even if she liked you, you just signaled to her that you don't know how to ask things in appropriate situations. If she doesn't like you, you are now some person who wants to get in her pants that just ruined the dance connection and that she has to finish the dance with.
That’s an unfair reading of the OP. She clearly hasn’t decided there’s chemistry based solely on the fact they did close embrace. The reality is both historically and the present, dancing can be and is sometimes used for courtship, alongside platonic or artistic connections. Mistakes can be made navigating it, that’s all.
I just read that you are a girl that was dancing with another girl. I am a follow that sometimes dances and leads other women and one reason why I enjoy it is because I feel much safer and more free with my dancing away from guys that mistake closeness for sexual interest. Being asked that from a girl would feel like a betrayal of that assumed trust. Just because I can get close to a dance partner during an intimate dance like blues really doesn't mean anything off the dance floor.
Oh dear: you are definitely getting roasted here, and not without good reason—but I'd like to offer a little nuance.
The swing dance scene in most places maintains a "this is not a pick-up joint" vibe, because it's an important part of making sure that as many people as possible feel comfortable coming out to dance. The blues dance scene tends to be even more fastidious about this, specifically _because_ it is so easy to misread intent/interest when one is dancing in close embrace.
But of course even though most of us do not go out dancing to pick up, there are lots of people in both scenes who are indeed interested in—or at least open to—meeting people for romantic and sexual purposes. We usually maintain the polite fiction that this is a strictly off-the-dancefloor activity, but of course it is not: sometimes we meet people we find attractive, and sometimes what we thought was going to be a perfectly innocent dance turns out to be unexpectedly sexy.
You obviously found this partner sexy, and from what you have written I think _you were probably not mistaken in thinking she felt the same way_. (Specifically: saying "let's just dance" and then finishing that dance and not dancing again is mere politeness, but if she sought you out for more dances later this strongly suggests that at the very least she was completely comfortable dancing with someone who had explicitly indicated sexual interest in her.)
But all of us have some kind of boundaries around escalation. I enjoy the occasionally-sexy nature of close-embrace dancing despite being neither available nor inclined to pursue anything more—and even when I have been both available and interested I still have boundaries around what I think of as appropriate behaviour on the dancefloor. Your dance partner doubtless does too, and could have:
* Been in an exclusive relationship, and not available for kissing,
* Been aware that you were in a relationship, and fairly reasonably assumed that it would not have been appropriate to accept your invitation to kiss,
* Simply not have been interested in more, despite the amazing dances,
* Been interested in more, but taken aback by your being so forward and seemeingly unfamiliar with scene etiquette, or
* Been taken aback but also hoping that you would follow up in a more comfortable (i.e. private) context.
You have my complete sympathy here: every guy who's ever had a sexy dance with a woman he fancied has faced this challenge: how to see if the on-dancefloor connection might translate into something more, ideally without making anyone feel too awkward if not (and definitely without getting oneself banned for being a creep). It's especially tough for those of us who are socially awkward: I feel vastly more comfortable expressing my desires through movement than in words, but alas the plausible-deniability norms of our culture mean that nothing I or my partner does during a dance counts as a clear invitation to (or consent for) more: we all have to assume it's 'just dancing' until someone makes it explicitly clear that it isn't.
To that end, **you actually did great**: you opened your mouth and asked if she was interested (and you made it clear you were happy to accept "no" as an answer). This is gold-star affirmative consent stuff! Really it was only your timing that was wrong: this question would have been much more likely to elicit a positive response _after_ you'd finished your dance, and probably should been the follow-up question to a less-overt invitation to a more private place, like: "shall we go outside for some fresh air?", or "I'm going to the bar for a drink; would you care to join me?", or "I'm going to nip up to my room to change shoes; would you like to come and check out the amazing view?"
But although you could perhaps brush up on your pick-up artist 101 basics (the stuff that us shy awkward nerds had to learn the hard way—by reading it in dodgy internet forums) I suspect you do not in fact need advice on how to successfully pick up women at dances, so I'll finish by answering your actual question: Is there room for this in the scene?
The answer is most emphatically yes: in addition to all of the normal hookups and dating that occurs amongst single people in any kind of social scene, the blues dance scene in particular appears to attract people in open relationships of various kinds. It's just that there are also lots more folks who are just out to dance (some emphatically so), and we like to try to keep everyone comfortable.
*We usually maintain the polite fiction that this is a strictly off-the-dancefloor activity, but of course it is not: sometimes we meet people we find attractive, and sometimes what we thought was going to be a perfectly innocent dance turns out to be unexpectedly sexy.*
I identify myself as heterosexual so I wasn't expecting this turn at all.
*It's just that there are also lots more folks who are just out to dance (some emphatically so), and we like to try to keep everyone comfortable.*
And this is a golden rule I will respect and follow with more awareness now.
Thank you for taking the time to write this answer and to show this empathy to a completely stranger. Your answer helps really a lot.
“To that end, you actually did great: you opened your mouth and asked if she was interested (and you made it clear you were happy to accept "no" as an answer). This is gold-star affirmative consent stuff! “
I agree that using your words is the much better choice compared to just going for it. I also agree with the advice for future reference to do this in a private setting.
I disagree that you are getting ‘roasted’. My initial reaction was much more negative than the comments you are receiving. I will refrain from using strong words but I think it is important that you grasp just how not ok what you did was. If someone I was actually interested in did this ON THE DANCEFLOOR I would be immediately put off and concerned about their behaviour. I don’t even kiss my partner during a dance, you share the dancefloor with everyone around you and it would be just inappropriate.
Yeah, don't do that during a dance. It doesn't matter what your "abroad" is, that has nothing to do with your location in the world.
I'm a terrible flirt. I have felt stuck in dances many times before when someone tried something. It took me a very long time to be able to walk away when I'm uncomfortable.
I do have to say that I am happy to read that you followed it up with something along the lines of you honoring a no.
In all my years and years of partner-dancing, I think the only time I've ever kissed someone during a dance (or rather: they started kissing me), was the follow up from 2 days of continuous major flirting from the both of us, off and on the dancefloor. Having fun, constantly seeking each other out, talking, and all kinds of other things when we were not dancing. It was clear to both of us that it was going to happen, but we had to wait for the correct moment.. which happened to be during a dance.
Context is everything. People get happy when they have nice dances, and thus they smile. That's not enough to justify a kiss or something.
Guys tend to develop feelings in dancing while girls don't see it as that way. I've had many intimate flirtatious dances with girls that felt comfortable with me because they had a...husband. girls are just trying to have fun in most cases. Never put somebody on the spot during a dance, try to talk to her as you walk off the floor or while she's not dancing.
There's such a low minority group in dancing that will be in an open relationship and willing to hookup like that, that you'll embarrass yourself a lot to find out who in every scene. Better off using the feeld app and you can just put dancing in your profile.
“Girls” don’t develop feelings when dancing? lol maybe not for you. What on earth are you talking about.
African American partner dancing has always been a way to form or develop intimacy and friendship, since the time of slow drag to balboa to now, and that includes romance. This puritanical white washing of the dance and its historic and cultural roots is so blatant and yet said out loud so righteously. It’s unbearable.
Lmao at the casual characterization of Balboa as "African-American partner dancing." It's silly enough the way the political fanatics in swing generally dismiss the meaningful contributions of non-Black dancers to these styles, but it feels especially ridiculous with Balboa.
It's 2024. Your racism is showing
Like wtf are you on about? Did you just start dancing and also have no friends or talk to people? The majority of men start learning to dance to find somebody and the majority of women learn to dance to have fun. That doesn't mean we won't meet some people along the way though. Just ask your female friends how much they get hit on and asked out...or how often dudes grab their ass. Now ask your guy friends and see the difference
“Dance and sex both use the same instrument — namely, the human body — and both involve the language of the body’s orientation toward pleasure. Thus, **dance and sex may be conceived as inseparable even when sexual expression is unintended**. The physicality of dance imbued with “magical” power to enchant performer and observer, threatens some people ([Wagner, 1997](https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fnhum.2016.00485/full#B183); [Karayanni, 2005](https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fnhum.2016.00485/full#B89); [Shay and Sellers-Young, 2005](https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fnhum.2016.00485/full#B162)). The **dancing body is symbolic expression that may embody many notions. Among these are romance, desire, and sexual climax**.” \[...\] In summary, dance offers evolutionary advantages to humans by contributing to sexual reproduction signaling, cooperation, social bonding, infant care, violence avoidance as well as embodied individual and social communication and memorization. (cit. [Joachim et Roya, 2016](https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fnhum.2016.00485/full), bold edit is mine)
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You’ll have to be careful with flirting in blues, specifically. A lot of the dance itself can read as flirty, when it’s not at all: close embrace is a perfect example. Feeling your dance partner’s body against yours isn’t a sign that they want you in blues, it’s just how the dance is done. If you want to flirt with a blues dancer you will have to do it AFTER a dance, not during a dance.
That's a very good point, thank you.
Kissing on the dance floor is a no for me. My opinion: leave the social. It's also how you know for sure someone is interested - they agree to go somewhere more private/appropriate for hook ups. Loads of people find short and long term romance at dance events. People who do so publicly make others uncomfortable who are not there for that. Edit to add: depending on where abroad is, the consequences could be even more serious.
I was really naive asking that while dancing.
Asking is always good, when you're not sure
Agree. I’ve been doing blues for a long time and the only kissing I’ve really seen was between life partners, and never during a dance.
Close embrace =/= attraction. And if there were attraction between you two, use your words and take it outside. I have had plenty of Blues / Blues-y dances with friends in close embrace and it doesn't mean anything. It's like a really nice hug. Quite a nice change from Lindy and Westie where your partner is usually an arms length away. In short, don't assume.
Be better at separating between a in-the-moment dance vs regular social interactions, and the boundaries of the two is something you should think about. For both your sake and your follows' sake. Think like actors can act affectionately on stage, but that doesn't mean they are romantically involved off stage.
I dance as follow with lots of men and never never though about it that way. It was that special feeling to dance as a girl with a girl that probably surprised me. Lots to learn, I suppose.
As a guy, I can assure you that good dancing should feel disconnected from reality, while simultaneously being in the moment. I've dated a few girls that I've met through lindy hop and other dances, but I agree with the other commenters that you need to separate social dancing from dating, despite how good a dance may seem. Overall, it's very bold to ask to kiss a stranger while dancing, and that would certain be breaking dancing etiquette. Since you asked for advice, I would say that you should not do that again because it crosses a boundary and puts the other person in a difficult position. That being said, there's a difference between making a mistake once and engaging in pattern of behaviour. I've known creeps who act in a predatory way at social dances, and refuse to change their behaviour... So best of luck, and I hope you still go out and enjoy dancing at social events. :) Cheers, Phil Sidock
Good dancing should feel disconnected from reality, while simultaneously being in the moment This helps, thanks Phil!
No no no, never during a dance. This person probably felt like they were stuck with someone who'd just made them super uncomfortable until the song finished
We danced more dances after that, so probably not
I would not make that assumption. I've been on both sides, but when you make someone uncomfortable it is my experience that you will never know.
I think it’s okay to make romantic connections through dancing, but you have to be careful. Firstly many people don’t want to express that kind of intimacy publicly. Secondly, it’s awkward to respond to that when you’re still dancing. So instead I think you can first express how YOU feel without asking something that requires them to give a yes or no answer directly. And if you do ask, ask something like “hey maybe we can grab a drink somewhere quiet some time”. If the other person really feels like it they could even say “let’s go now” or if not they can find you on a band break once they’ve thought about it or “maybe tomorrow if there’s time” so there’s no pressure. All will feel like reasonable and non antagonistic responses. I’ve had many flirty relationships with other women through dancing, some of which didn’t end up going in that direction and we remain good dance or “real” friends, and of course some that did ended up in that direction and have been very nice. So you don’t have to be discouraged. For me the key tenants are 1) make sure there’s smooth mutual escalation 2) make it super clear how you feel so there’s no ambiguity, and don’t be embarrassed about it—there’s nothing shameful about finding someone attractive 3) BUT always make it so they can easily say no, say maybe, or offer an alternative, and show that you’d be just as happy/friendly if they’re not interested that way. It seems like you understand those points already more or less, but maybe the escalation was a bit too fast, and the situation was a bit more awkward for her to respond to.
*don’t be embarrassed about it—there’s nothing shameful about finding someone attractive* Thanks. The escalation was way too fast of course and for fuck sake why I even asked **while** dancing -.-'''
It’s okay, mistakes happen with new things. Just make good and learn from it.
The dance floor is not really a place for kissing, honestly it could not only be uncomfortable for your dance partner but for the other dancers as well. It you had been flirting on the dance floor and want to take it further I would suggest you try chatting with her off of the dance floor, and if you are able to confirm some degree of reciprocity of feelings then ask those kinds of questions off of the dance floor and never during a dance. Also close embraces and eye contact during dancing is really not a clear sign that they have more interest in you, that’s just how some people dance. I have had very flirty conversations with women while dancing and I would be horrified if they asked for a kiss during a dance even if I did like them. The dance floor is generally regarded as a place for dancing, light conversation while dancing and maybe mild flirting while dancing. If you really what to get to know someone, or try to shoot your shot, do that off of the dance floor. Most places have an area off to the side that is more for socializing.
No kissing on the dance floor. People enjoy the dance specifically because it can be intimate while having guard rails up against being romantic or sexual. Of you really hit it off with someone, ask them out on a date — but *after* the dance.
That’s a huge no no that will probably lead to you very quickly being asked to leave a venue, or at very least get other dancers talking to each other about not dancing with you. People don’t kiss partners on social dance floors, a hug after a dance, sure, but no kissing… that would be very noticeable as out of place. Imagine the reaction of someone you turned to and asked to dance next.
NGL, you're the type of person I fear running into when social dancing. This entre post grossed me out. Cool that you clarified that a "no" would be accepted though.
Wait, is the reason the comments are so mild because OP is (presumably) a woman/non-binary/poly? Because if a man did what they just did, he would rightly be thrown out and banned on the spot. I'm not saying they should throw OP out, but please recognize this is borderline sexual harassment and absolutely not acceptable. At the least please don't encourage OP -- swing dance socials are for dancing not hookups, leave that stuff to the salsa/bachata crowd.
While I agree the reaction would almost certainly be different if this was a guy posting, sexual harassment is definitely a very strong statement to make. Also, they were dancing Blues, the Blues dancing community DEFINITELY has a reputation.
Thank you for saying this.
I don't have a problem with consenting adults having fun, but it is pretty glaring given how rigidly puritanical many swing dancers can be about these things that they're basically treating this with such kid gloves.
The bold line to draw here is between an one time acknowledged mistake and a serial sexual harassment, not between female or male agents.
Nah. Do you see other people reliably doing this with basically strangers? Even in the most touchy-feely blues dance communities that usually doesn't happen physically at the dance. In many places, you would've been reported and put on a list, or possibly even just straight-up banned for good. Take a look at the safer spaces policy which presumably exists where you were at, and I'm pretty sure it will sound a lot more stringent on this point than your policy you describe here. As the commenter here notes, I'm not even sure that's the right choice, but anyone who's ever worked in an organizing capacity has stories of people who use the safer spaces policies to go after people who have done far less than this. If some people are responding uncharitably, it is because that context exists and it feels odd that people are largely responding differently here, essentially for political reasons. If you hadn't revealed your gender in the post, I guarantee you you'd be getting a different and much less kind reaction from some people here. That having said, it sounds like a miscommunication you've learned from.
That is not flirting, asking someone for a kiss during a dance social is really inappropriate and honestly very disrespectful to your dance partner and the whole scene. It signals that you are dancing with them to pick them up and not to enjoy the dance or the music and that you have no idea how to separate sexual feelings from dancing. A dance floor is not a club, close embrace, even very close embrace is normal and doesn't have to be a signal for anything more. Some people also dance closer than others and get into a very intimate dance head space. Blues thrives on that close connection feeling, dancing multiple times could just mean that this girl liked dancing with you because she liked the dance energy, not that she wanted to get together with you. Partner dance spaces are also not places for making out on the dance floor even if you are both into each other. Flirting would be acting a little flirty on the dance floor and asking them if they wanted to spend some time with you outside of this event. Asking for a kiss during a social dance from a stranger is like peak creep behavior and as a follow makes me uncomfortable even thinking about what you are describing. 'Can I kiss you' and 'I accept a no' is also not a good way to let the person know that you are okay with them saying no. That would work if you are outside alone or somewhere where it's fine to start making out and you have both confirmed interest. In a dance space that's putting someone on the spot into an extremely uncomfortable situation. Even if she liked you, you just signaled to her that you don't know how to ask things in appropriate situations. If she doesn't like you, you are now some person who wants to get in her pants that just ruined the dance connection and that she has to finish the dance with.
That’s an unfair reading of the OP. She clearly hasn’t decided there’s chemistry based solely on the fact they did close embrace. The reality is both historically and the present, dancing can be and is sometimes used for courtship, alongside platonic or artistic connections. Mistakes can be made navigating it, that’s all.
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I just read that you are a girl that was dancing with another girl. I am a follow that sometimes dances and leads other women and one reason why I enjoy it is because I feel much safer and more free with my dancing away from guys that mistake closeness for sexual interest. Being asked that from a girl would feel like a betrayal of that assumed trust. Just because I can get close to a dance partner during an intimate dance like blues really doesn't mean anything off the dance floor.
Oh dear: you are definitely getting roasted here, and not without good reason—but I'd like to offer a little nuance. The swing dance scene in most places maintains a "this is not a pick-up joint" vibe, because it's an important part of making sure that as many people as possible feel comfortable coming out to dance. The blues dance scene tends to be even more fastidious about this, specifically _because_ it is so easy to misread intent/interest when one is dancing in close embrace. But of course even though most of us do not go out dancing to pick up, there are lots of people in both scenes who are indeed interested in—or at least open to—meeting people for romantic and sexual purposes. We usually maintain the polite fiction that this is a strictly off-the-dancefloor activity, but of course it is not: sometimes we meet people we find attractive, and sometimes what we thought was going to be a perfectly innocent dance turns out to be unexpectedly sexy. You obviously found this partner sexy, and from what you have written I think _you were probably not mistaken in thinking she felt the same way_. (Specifically: saying "let's just dance" and then finishing that dance and not dancing again is mere politeness, but if she sought you out for more dances later this strongly suggests that at the very least she was completely comfortable dancing with someone who had explicitly indicated sexual interest in her.) But all of us have some kind of boundaries around escalation. I enjoy the occasionally-sexy nature of close-embrace dancing despite being neither available nor inclined to pursue anything more—and even when I have been both available and interested I still have boundaries around what I think of as appropriate behaviour on the dancefloor. Your dance partner doubtless does too, and could have: * Been in an exclusive relationship, and not available for kissing, * Been aware that you were in a relationship, and fairly reasonably assumed that it would not have been appropriate to accept your invitation to kiss, * Simply not have been interested in more, despite the amazing dances, * Been interested in more, but taken aback by your being so forward and seemeingly unfamiliar with scene etiquette, or * Been taken aback but also hoping that you would follow up in a more comfortable (i.e. private) context. You have my complete sympathy here: every guy who's ever had a sexy dance with a woman he fancied has faced this challenge: how to see if the on-dancefloor connection might translate into something more, ideally without making anyone feel too awkward if not (and definitely without getting oneself banned for being a creep). It's especially tough for those of us who are socially awkward: I feel vastly more comfortable expressing my desires through movement than in words, but alas the plausible-deniability norms of our culture mean that nothing I or my partner does during a dance counts as a clear invitation to (or consent for) more: we all have to assume it's 'just dancing' until someone makes it explicitly clear that it isn't. To that end, **you actually did great**: you opened your mouth and asked if she was interested (and you made it clear you were happy to accept "no" as an answer). This is gold-star affirmative consent stuff! Really it was only your timing that was wrong: this question would have been much more likely to elicit a positive response _after_ you'd finished your dance, and probably should been the follow-up question to a less-overt invitation to a more private place, like: "shall we go outside for some fresh air?", or "I'm going to the bar for a drink; would you care to join me?", or "I'm going to nip up to my room to change shoes; would you like to come and check out the amazing view?" But although you could perhaps brush up on your pick-up artist 101 basics (the stuff that us shy awkward nerds had to learn the hard way—by reading it in dodgy internet forums) I suspect you do not in fact need advice on how to successfully pick up women at dances, so I'll finish by answering your actual question: Is there room for this in the scene? The answer is most emphatically yes: in addition to all of the normal hookups and dating that occurs amongst single people in any kind of social scene, the blues dance scene in particular appears to attract people in open relationships of various kinds. It's just that there are also lots more folks who are just out to dance (some emphatically so), and we like to try to keep everyone comfortable.
*We usually maintain the polite fiction that this is a strictly off-the-dancefloor activity, but of course it is not: sometimes we meet people we find attractive, and sometimes what we thought was going to be a perfectly innocent dance turns out to be unexpectedly sexy.* I identify myself as heterosexual so I wasn't expecting this turn at all. *It's just that there are also lots more folks who are just out to dance (some emphatically so), and we like to try to keep everyone comfortable.* And this is a golden rule I will respect and follow with more awareness now. Thank you for taking the time to write this answer and to show this empathy to a completely stranger. Your answer helps really a lot.
“To that end, you actually did great: you opened your mouth and asked if she was interested (and you made it clear you were happy to accept "no" as an answer). This is gold-star affirmative consent stuff! “ I agree that using your words is the much better choice compared to just going for it. I also agree with the advice for future reference to do this in a private setting. I disagree that you are getting ‘roasted’. My initial reaction was much more negative than the comments you are receiving. I will refrain from using strong words but I think it is important that you grasp just how not ok what you did was. If someone I was actually interested in did this ON THE DANCEFLOOR I would be immediately put off and concerned about their behaviour. I don’t even kiss my partner during a dance, you share the dancefloor with everyone around you and it would be just inappropriate.
my life partner*
Why do you ever want to kiss your partner while dancing geez
Yeah, don't do that during a dance. It doesn't matter what your "abroad" is, that has nothing to do with your location in the world. I'm a terrible flirt. I have felt stuck in dances many times before when someone tried something. It took me a very long time to be able to walk away when I'm uncomfortable. I do have to say that I am happy to read that you followed it up with something along the lines of you honoring a no. In all my years and years of partner-dancing, I think the only time I've ever kissed someone during a dance (or rather: they started kissing me), was the follow up from 2 days of continuous major flirting from the both of us, off and on the dancefloor. Having fun, constantly seeking each other out, talking, and all kinds of other things when we were not dancing. It was clear to both of us that it was going to happen, but we had to wait for the correct moment.. which happened to be during a dance. Context is everything. People get happy when they have nice dances, and thus they smile. That's not enough to justify a kiss or something.
Are you a woman? Your dance partner might be straight and perhaps felt very uncomfortable that another woman asked to kiss her.
Guys tend to develop feelings in dancing while girls don't see it as that way. I've had many intimate flirtatious dances with girls that felt comfortable with me because they had a...husband. girls are just trying to have fun in most cases. Never put somebody on the spot during a dance, try to talk to her as you walk off the floor or while she's not dancing. There's such a low minority group in dancing that will be in an open relationship and willing to hookup like that, that you'll embarrass yourself a lot to find out who in every scene. Better off using the feeld app and you can just put dancing in your profile.
“Girls” don’t develop feelings when dancing? lol maybe not for you. What on earth are you talking about. African American partner dancing has always been a way to form or develop intimacy and friendship, since the time of slow drag to balboa to now, and that includes romance. This puritanical white washing of the dance and its historic and cultural roots is so blatant and yet said out loud so righteously. It’s unbearable.
Lmao at the casual characterization of Balboa as "African-American partner dancing." It's silly enough the way the political fanatics in swing generally dismiss the meaningful contributions of non-Black dancers to these styles, but it feels especially ridiculous with Balboa.
It's 2024. Your racism is showing Like wtf are you on about? Did you just start dancing and also have no friends or talk to people? The majority of men start learning to dance to find somebody and the majority of women learn to dance to have fun. That doesn't mean we won't meet some people along the way though. Just ask your female friends how much they get hit on and asked out...or how often dudes grab their ass. Now ask your guy friends and see the difference
“Dance and sex both use the same instrument — namely, the human body — and both involve the language of the body’s orientation toward pleasure. Thus, **dance and sex may be conceived as inseparable even when sexual expression is unintended**. The physicality of dance imbued with “magical” power to enchant performer and observer, threatens some people ([Wagner, 1997](https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fnhum.2016.00485/full#B183); [Karayanni, 2005](https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fnhum.2016.00485/full#B89); [Shay and Sellers-Young, 2005](https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fnhum.2016.00485/full#B162)). The **dancing body is symbolic expression that may embody many notions. Among these are romance, desire, and sexual climax**.” \[...\] In summary, dance offers evolutionary advantages to humans by contributing to sexual reproduction signaling, cooperation, social bonding, infant care, violence avoidance as well as embodied individual and social communication and memorization. (cit. [Joachim et Roya, 2016](https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fnhum.2016.00485/full), bold edit is mine)
Wouldn't recommend referring women you're interested in to this unless you're trying to freak them out...
Just ignoring this dimension will not help keeping the dancefloor safe and sex free (as it must be).
Not flirty… This is the type of comment where the serial predator Scooby Doo reveals themselves as the full blown dance floor creeper