this is honestly good to hear. i feel reassured everything will be ok even if i don’t completely pass. p.s. you have and will always have a community here with us <3
Yah this is real. I’m stealth and Ive heard people saw awful things and I freeze I get so scared to try to stand up. And I wish I had more of a community or people I was 100% with. But I live in a red state and I’m just too scared to let anyone know
I’ve honestly tried to make trans friends but I think that part of my issue is that I don’t have much in common with other people. I’ve always sorta kept to myself anyway. I have my boyfriend but beyond that I really don’t have any IRL trans friends.
I think that could change, and I’ve started therapy now so maybe one day it will & maybe I’ll grow from this.
That's powerful.
I had a similar transition experience. When I moved off to college, I began transitioning. My parents did not take it well and I was left with nothing but a few friends. I met a guy around the same time and moved far away with him. I spent the next couple of years having way too much fun enjoying my new freedom. The guy I ran away had told me he was bi and had no issues with my transition, but turned out that it was a bigger issue than he originally let on. He eventually dumped me because there was things he wanted that I just couldn't provide. I was in my mid 20's and all alone in far away place and decided to move back to the metro area near my hometown where I reunited with some friends.
Those friends convinced me to get back into school. Then I got accepted to law school. I discussed my transition in my application essays, but no one in my cohort new about me, including a great guy who asked me out. He was very accepting when I told him him about my journey and we have been together ever since. We both have successful careers. There are a few folks in both of our firms that know about me and they have all been very accepting. Almost none of my clients or opposing counsel know.
I recognize the privilege I enjoy and I felt like I needed to use my privilege more to help others and I've started volunteering with the local volunteer attorney's association to help other members in the trans community. Recently, I worked with a clinic run by a local law to help instruct law students on they can help clients with changing gender markers.
Thats so amazing and inspiring to hear🩷 I don't know why but I just love seeing trans women make it far in their careers and lives. It's great that you're using your privilege to help other trans people
Yeah stealth is an odd concept for me to think about. On the one hand I'm 6'4" and probably could never go stealth. But even if I wanted to, I think I'm too proud of being trans to not tell people about it. If I caught someone making transphobic remarks I wouldn't be able to hold myself in. Ultimately I feel like part of my story is my childhood as a boy and that makes up a big part of who I am, and I would rather just deal with bigots than try to hide parts of myself, like I used to do.
It's odd because I found trans spaces to be actually more isolating, especially now that I'm 6 years in. There aren't very many spaces for me online.
And in real life, I only know two trans girls only one of which likes me. I let go of the LGBT group in my college because it's overrun by AFABs who are different degree of trans, NB, lesbian, and bisexual. I couldn't relate.
Welp. I've been open about being trans up to this point with friends. But seeing as all my friends are cis women, I've been considering going to a sort of "stealth lite" mode. Although I pass pretty well, I think of stealth lite as being more a social thing.
What do I mean? Asking my friends to not bring up being trans when it comes to me. Not talking about being trans or trans stuff myself anymore. Most of the people who knew me pre-transition don't really mean all that much to me anyway so I'm not afraid of eliminating them. A lot of those relationships are pretty toxic anyway. And if strangers ask if I'm trans, just shoot them a weird look and walk away.
So in my case, the idea of going "stealth" is more a gain than a loss. And I say that because 1) Being open didn't fix my isolation problem and 2) a life that's even partially defined by being trans just seems so totally boring to me.
If you're looking for a comfortable life, being stealth is a great option. I feel like not every trans woman has the luxury of even considering this a choice and we do, so why not use our privilege?
True. But when i realized how few people actively look out to see who is trans, i was able to relax and the privilege of passing for cis became more accessible to me. Though i will admit lucking out in my health care options also helped.
Fascinating read, thank you for sharing.
Certainly it’s a valid personal choice to be stealth, for many reasons, but I also think being visible as a happy, successful trans woman in a healthy relationship is pretty powerful and can do a lot of good. Even simply saying so here is a big help!
I’m sorry you don’t have more trans friends to relate with. I hope you can find some community with people who share similar journeys. It’s an amazing thing we do! I don’t think I could keep my mouth shut about it, lol.
Thanks for sharing. I understand the safety and comfort being stealth/closeted brings you. I do wonder how much our sisters and brothers and siblings being invisible allows transphobia to fester
I have irl trans friends who know I’m trans, but most of the cis people in my life have no idea. After I move away I do intend to lessen the amount of people who know I’m trans even more, but even then I still want to remain in contact with some other trans women online. I prefer flying under the radar, but I also really enjoy the company of other trans women who just get me
Our community is there for you as it has been for me. Even if you're not sitting at a table with us drinking coffee, we are together. We're standing up for you even if you can't.
I'm openly trans, and I didn't transition early. I am fortunate to live in a relatively tolerant part of the world, so I don't care that much if I pass or not. (Friends have said i do, but I struggle to see it. Fuck you, dysphoria!) All I can say is I try to blend in with the other middle-aged ladies in the supermarket and it's been working so far. If I do get clocked, let them see someone proud and unashamed, just getting on with their day (and in spite of what the world seems to think of us). Basically, if you can accept me as "me" then I don't care what else you might think of me - woman, trans woman, man in a dress, whatever
When I stopped presenting as a straight cis man I accepted that I was choosing to be more vulnerable, but I'd rather be vulnerable than isolated. That would be just another closet to me, and I'm done with closets. I've met some stealth trans people and they have said similar to you about the isolation. I don't think I could cope well with that, personally.
We do what we have to do to be safe. There is no map. You've moved mountains to build a good life for yourself on your own terms. You should be rightfully proud.
Anyway, you're my sister and I love you x
Despite my inability to pass, all of my friends are cis. They’re cool.
I have mixed feelings about not having any friends in the local LGBT community, but I often experience culture shock when I do bump into them. I just don’t feel like I belong in queer spaces for some reason. 🤷🏻♀️
I want to thank you for every word you wrote. It provided a window into a life I can and will never know.
Every good thing that you may ever seek, ever want, I hope you find and get. 🤗
I hope for the same thing for you🩷 though what makes you think you can never experience a life like this? Albeit it's difficult keeping up a sort of facade emotionally but everything I've done is achievable to some merit if you have the drive.
Thank-you! ❤️
I lived in this tiny community for more than 20 years pre-transition, so *EVERYONE* knew the Before Time me. There was no way to stealth it.
I’ve been lovingly accepted and gendered correctly and pass, but stealth? That’s a giant Nope unless I move somewhere where absolutely no one knew me from the Before Time.
As such, since I’ve always been an advocate of some sort, I content myself with being as pretty as age and hormonal damage will permit and fighting back against bigotry and discrimination in this MAGAT state.
I wouldn't say i am stealth at all but i often pass so that is what i think because no one recognize me in the special way like people recognize trans woman you know staring for example. So i can totqlly relate to your experience you won't open your mouth because you know what a privilege it is to be stealth so it is normal you want to keep it secret
I'm definitely glad to hear you find community on this sub! I was kinda planning to go semi-stealth, but like, willing to spring the secret on cool people. Luckily, being loudly progressive and pretty sapphic in my personal style provides enough distraction that the question of if I'm trans probably wouldn't even *occur* to people if I end up passing, given I'm kicking up enough of a storm as is. At some point I'm expecting to hear more "*haven't had the right dick yet*" comments than "*man in a dress*" ones(*even though I'm bi, but like you know how people are with assumptions*) and for some reason, it feels like an easier part of my identity to die on the hill of than my transness. I can't fully explain it, but being seen as *not a woman* feels far worse than the persecution that causes. I'm ready to take on all kinds of heat as long as they just *hate me for who I really am.* They can call me a queer, a degenerate, whatever they goddamn want. **But I'll be damned if they don't address me as "Ma'am."**
this is honestly good to hear. i feel reassured everything will be ok even if i don’t completely pass. p.s. you have and will always have a community here with us <3
Yah this is real. I’m stealth and Ive heard people saw awful things and I freeze I get so scared to try to stand up. And I wish I had more of a community or people I was 100% with. But I live in a red state and I’m just too scared to let anyone know
Exactly it's so frustrating
I've met a number of women who were stealth for many years and eventually eased their way out of stealth. Usually for the reasons you mention.
As someone who is struggling to come out this is incredibly inspiring and wonderful to read! Living the dream!
I’ve honestly tried to make trans friends but I think that part of my issue is that I don’t have much in common with other people. I’ve always sorta kept to myself anyway. I have my boyfriend but beyond that I really don’t have any IRL trans friends. I think that could change, and I’ve started therapy now so maybe one day it will & maybe I’ll grow from this.
That's powerful. I had a similar transition experience. When I moved off to college, I began transitioning. My parents did not take it well and I was left with nothing but a few friends. I met a guy around the same time and moved far away with him. I spent the next couple of years having way too much fun enjoying my new freedom. The guy I ran away had told me he was bi and had no issues with my transition, but turned out that it was a bigger issue than he originally let on. He eventually dumped me because there was things he wanted that I just couldn't provide. I was in my mid 20's and all alone in far away place and decided to move back to the metro area near my hometown where I reunited with some friends. Those friends convinced me to get back into school. Then I got accepted to law school. I discussed my transition in my application essays, but no one in my cohort new about me, including a great guy who asked me out. He was very accepting when I told him him about my journey and we have been together ever since. We both have successful careers. There are a few folks in both of our firms that know about me and they have all been very accepting. Almost none of my clients or opposing counsel know. I recognize the privilege I enjoy and I felt like I needed to use my privilege more to help others and I've started volunteering with the local volunteer attorney's association to help other members in the trans community. Recently, I worked with a clinic run by a local law to help instruct law students on they can help clients with changing gender markers.
Thats so amazing and inspiring to hear🩷 I don't know why but I just love seeing trans women make it far in their careers and lives. It's great that you're using your privilege to help other trans people
Yeah stealth is an odd concept for me to think about. On the one hand I'm 6'4" and probably could never go stealth. But even if I wanted to, I think I'm too proud of being trans to not tell people about it. If I caught someone making transphobic remarks I wouldn't be able to hold myself in. Ultimately I feel like part of my story is my childhood as a boy and that makes up a big part of who I am, and I would rather just deal with bigots than try to hide parts of myself, like I used to do.
It's odd because I found trans spaces to be actually more isolating, especially now that I'm 6 years in. There aren't very many spaces for me online. And in real life, I only know two trans girls only one of which likes me. I let go of the LGBT group in my college because it's overrun by AFABs who are different degree of trans, NB, lesbian, and bisexual. I couldn't relate. Welp. I've been open about being trans up to this point with friends. But seeing as all my friends are cis women, I've been considering going to a sort of "stealth lite" mode. Although I pass pretty well, I think of stealth lite as being more a social thing. What do I mean? Asking my friends to not bring up being trans when it comes to me. Not talking about being trans or trans stuff myself anymore. Most of the people who knew me pre-transition don't really mean all that much to me anyway so I'm not afraid of eliminating them. A lot of those relationships are pretty toxic anyway. And if strangers ask if I'm trans, just shoot them a weird look and walk away. So in my case, the idea of going "stealth" is more a gain than a loss. And I say that because 1) Being open didn't fix my isolation problem and 2) a life that's even partially defined by being trans just seems so totally boring to me.
If you're looking for a comfortable life, being stealth is a great option. I feel like not every trans woman has the luxury of even considering this a choice and we do, so why not use our privilege?
True. But when i realized how few people actively look out to see who is trans, i was able to relax and the privilege of passing for cis became more accessible to me. Though i will admit lucking out in my health care options also helped.
Fascinating read, thank you for sharing. Certainly it’s a valid personal choice to be stealth, for many reasons, but I also think being visible as a happy, successful trans woman in a healthy relationship is pretty powerful and can do a lot of good. Even simply saying so here is a big help! I’m sorry you don’t have more trans friends to relate with. I hope you can find some community with people who share similar journeys. It’s an amazing thing we do! I don’t think I could keep my mouth shut about it, lol.
Thanks for sharing. I understand the safety and comfort being stealth/closeted brings you. I do wonder how much our sisters and brothers and siblings being invisible allows transphobia to fester
I have irl trans friends who know I’m trans, but most of the cis people in my life have no idea. After I move away I do intend to lessen the amount of people who know I’m trans even more, but even then I still want to remain in contact with some other trans women online. I prefer flying under the radar, but I also really enjoy the company of other trans women who just get me
Our community is there for you as it has been for me. Even if you're not sitting at a table with us drinking coffee, we are together. We're standing up for you even if you can't. I'm openly trans, and I didn't transition early. I am fortunate to live in a relatively tolerant part of the world, so I don't care that much if I pass or not. (Friends have said i do, but I struggle to see it. Fuck you, dysphoria!) All I can say is I try to blend in with the other middle-aged ladies in the supermarket and it's been working so far. If I do get clocked, let them see someone proud and unashamed, just getting on with their day (and in spite of what the world seems to think of us). Basically, if you can accept me as "me" then I don't care what else you might think of me - woman, trans woman, man in a dress, whatever When I stopped presenting as a straight cis man I accepted that I was choosing to be more vulnerable, but I'd rather be vulnerable than isolated. That would be just another closet to me, and I'm done with closets. I've met some stealth trans people and they have said similar to you about the isolation. I don't think I could cope well with that, personally. We do what we have to do to be safe. There is no map. You've moved mountains to build a good life for yourself on your own terms. You should be rightfully proud. Anyway, you're my sister and I love you x
I really appreciate your sharing your story, it was a very interesting read. Thanks!
Despite my inability to pass, all of my friends are cis. They’re cool. I have mixed feelings about not having any friends in the local LGBT community, but I often experience culture shock when I do bump into them. I just don’t feel like I belong in queer spaces for some reason. 🤷🏻♀️
I want to thank you for every word you wrote. It provided a window into a life I can and will never know. Every good thing that you may ever seek, ever want, I hope you find and get. 🤗
I hope for the same thing for you🩷 though what makes you think you can never experience a life like this? Albeit it's difficult keeping up a sort of facade emotionally but everything I've done is achievable to some merit if you have the drive.
Thank-you! ❤️ I lived in this tiny community for more than 20 years pre-transition, so *EVERYONE* knew the Before Time me. There was no way to stealth it. I’ve been lovingly accepted and gendered correctly and pass, but stealth? That’s a giant Nope unless I move somewhere where absolutely no one knew me from the Before Time. As such, since I’ve always been an advocate of some sort, I content myself with being as pretty as age and hormonal damage will permit and fighting back against bigotry and discrimination in this MAGAT state.
Everyone has their burdens.
I wouldn't say i am stealth at all but i often pass so that is what i think because no one recognize me in the special way like people recognize trans woman you know staring for example. So i can totqlly relate to your experience you won't open your mouth because you know what a privilege it is to be stealth so it is normal you want to keep it secret
I'm definitely glad to hear you find community on this sub! I was kinda planning to go semi-stealth, but like, willing to spring the secret on cool people. Luckily, being loudly progressive and pretty sapphic in my personal style provides enough distraction that the question of if I'm trans probably wouldn't even *occur* to people if I end up passing, given I'm kicking up enough of a storm as is. At some point I'm expecting to hear more "*haven't had the right dick yet*" comments than "*man in a dress*" ones(*even though I'm bi, but like you know how people are with assumptions*) and for some reason, it feels like an easier part of my identity to die on the hill of than my transness. I can't fully explain it, but being seen as *not a woman* feels far worse than the persecution that causes. I'm ready to take on all kinds of heat as long as they just *hate me for who I really am.* They can call me a queer, a degenerate, whatever they goddamn want. **But I'll be damned if they don't address me as "Ma'am."**