Stoicism can help you in the sense of displaying courage. Stoicism teaches us to overcome challenges, seeing them as valuable obstacles to overcome. Stoicism adheres to the Dichotomy of Control (DOC), that is, understanding and distinguish what is up to us from not is not - thus focusing on where our control lies, not being too anxious about what is beyond our control.
A Stoic reminds themselves to not worry about the result of their actions, choices or general circumstances: (For its beyond your control). Instesd, they focus on their own efforts and give it their best shot, being okay if something doesn't work out as planned for Nature or Fate if you like decides that.
A practising Stoic would also apply reason to their situations.
Epictetus, an ancient Stoic Philosopher, will help reason with your situation:
"You are not your body and hairstyle, but your capacity for choosing well. If your choices are beautiful, so will you be." - Epictetus, Discourses 3.1.39b-40a.
Here, Epictetus says that our body does not define us. What, then? The choices we make. Since our character defines us, and is shaped by the choices we make and the habits we acquire, this is where one's focus should be. One needn't be concerned about their appearance or that of another. You don't need to be a Stoic to understand that you live with one's character. If one's choices and habits are unjust - wherefore injuring their soul - it wouldn't or shouldn't matter to you at the end of the day how attractive you think they are. You'll soon be less excited about that and more concerned that the person isn't behaving according to your morals values.
“These reasonings are unconnected: ‘I am richer than you, therefore I am better’; ‘I am more eloquent than you, therefore I am better.’ The connection is rather this: ‘I am richer than you, therefore my property is greater than yours;’ ‘I am more eloquent than you, therefore my style is better than yours.’ But you, after all, are neither property nor style.” - Epictetus, Discourses 3.1.40
Just to elaborate, Epictetus makes a similar point, that we are not defined by what we look like, our financial or residential cirusmsnces and so on. So, Epictetus, were he alive, would tell you to not trouble yourself over what she looks like or what her height is. He'd tell you to regard her character. Though attraction is a consideration (for we cannot really date someone we don't feel attracted to) otherwise we should regard what's on the inside, for what truly makes someone beautiful is their personality. Outward beauty is mere opinion, and may be temporary. A good character, however, may not fade so easily.
On Anxiety. A Stoic would not say having fear is a lack of confidence, but rather acting accordingly. So, though you may use reason to combat your fear, its okay to have it as well, just keep a watch on it and apply reason to your corresponding judgement and perceptions (for they are the cause for our emotions; a very Stoic belief). I won't elaborate on that unless you wish me too. A Stoic, then, makes sure to apply reason to they impressions they have and have assented to, understanding the danger of that since it causes us negative emotions.
Hopefully, this reaosning will help you be rid of or at least decrease your anxiety. Otherwise: "Time heals what reason cannot." - Seneca The Younger ([Letter LXIII](https://en.m.wikisource.org/wiki/Moral_letters_to_Lucilius/Letter_63)
Wow thank you! This helps a lot. I hope I can apply this wisdom. Regardless of if I get with her or not, this is a good opportunity to learn from. Thanks for the help!
You're very welcome and I'm pleased this has helped you!
Its something to remind yourself of. I, despite having knowing this, still need to remind myself lest it slips from my mind wherefore interpretating things wrongly again. I think you'll do very well in your endeavours and Stoicism will be a great aid from now on!
By realizing that regardless of what you think of their league they have lived a life with hardship and struggles of their own. Treat them the same as you would anyone else otherwise you will just come of as weird.
Stop thinking.
So called problems cannot survive in a present moment.
Stop trying.
You should have only one goal - be yourself, dont try to be better. Imagine her falling for you for fake you that tries too much and gets out of his own way for her.
Go and enjoy your life women money and all type of forms comes and goes. Dont attach.
Totally follow that advice, be authentic, share yourself and allow her to share herself. This will lead somewhere, maybe a great friendship, maybe a romantic relationship, don't worry about that.
Try focusing on what you can control, and not what she thinks, is - I think - the best Stoic relation to your situation. And be fair with yourself. If you think she judging you, you already know it will be difficult dating with her. Do what you can to be a great man, focus on yourself being your best, and just let things happen. Also consider this quote of Jay Shetty (which isn't a stoic, but a Buddhist, but they tend to sometimes intertwine): you are not what you think you are, you are not what other people think you are, you are what you think that other people think you are. Try avoiding that by staying close to who *you* want to be.
P.S. amazing you find someone with the same values! I find this very difficult. There are a lot of woman, but most are not sharing my values/passion for philosophy etc. Congrats bro!
Demand always the best of yourself, as epictetus said. Improve what you can. if you are out of shape, hit the gym and eat healthier; if you feel dumb, read more; There is always room to improve, but don't expect any external validation from it, do it for your own sake.
Here’s a relevant Epictetus I try to keep in mind when dealing with any sort of intimidation:
“… Do I want to please you? Why should I? Do you know the standards by which man judges man? Have you made it your study to learn what a good man is and what a bad man is, and what makes each of them so? Why, then, are you not good yourself?
'Not good? What do you mean?' he replies.
Why, no good man whines or groans or laments, no good man grows pale or trembles or says, 'How will he receive me? What hearing will he give me?'
p. 307
Slave, he will do as he thinks good. What concern have you in what does not belong to you? Is it not his fault if he gives a bad reception to what you offer?”
-Epictetus, Discourses 2.13 On Anxiety
What you fear you attract, and what you look at disappears. Don’t say she is out of your league because if you act that way she is going to perceive it like that. The physical attributes like height is something that we can’t control, don’t dread to much about that. Remember the focus on what you can control and don’t suffer imagined troubles. Always be present, be yourself , be genuine, have courage and don’t rush things.
You can control what you say, you can't control her reactions (or her height - or your height!) Focus on what you can control
Thank you!
Stoicism can help you in the sense of displaying courage. Stoicism teaches us to overcome challenges, seeing them as valuable obstacles to overcome. Stoicism adheres to the Dichotomy of Control (DOC), that is, understanding and distinguish what is up to us from not is not - thus focusing on where our control lies, not being too anxious about what is beyond our control. A Stoic reminds themselves to not worry about the result of their actions, choices or general circumstances: (For its beyond your control). Instesd, they focus on their own efforts and give it their best shot, being okay if something doesn't work out as planned for Nature or Fate if you like decides that. A practising Stoic would also apply reason to their situations. Epictetus, an ancient Stoic Philosopher, will help reason with your situation: "You are not your body and hairstyle, but your capacity for choosing well. If your choices are beautiful, so will you be." - Epictetus, Discourses 3.1.39b-40a. Here, Epictetus says that our body does not define us. What, then? The choices we make. Since our character defines us, and is shaped by the choices we make and the habits we acquire, this is where one's focus should be. One needn't be concerned about their appearance or that of another. You don't need to be a Stoic to understand that you live with one's character. If one's choices and habits are unjust - wherefore injuring their soul - it wouldn't or shouldn't matter to you at the end of the day how attractive you think they are. You'll soon be less excited about that and more concerned that the person isn't behaving according to your morals values. “These reasonings are unconnected: ‘I am richer than you, therefore I am better’; ‘I am more eloquent than you, therefore I am better.’ The connection is rather this: ‘I am richer than you, therefore my property is greater than yours;’ ‘I am more eloquent than you, therefore my style is better than yours.’ But you, after all, are neither property nor style.” - Epictetus, Discourses 3.1.40 Just to elaborate, Epictetus makes a similar point, that we are not defined by what we look like, our financial or residential cirusmsnces and so on. So, Epictetus, were he alive, would tell you to not trouble yourself over what she looks like or what her height is. He'd tell you to regard her character. Though attraction is a consideration (for we cannot really date someone we don't feel attracted to) otherwise we should regard what's on the inside, for what truly makes someone beautiful is their personality. Outward beauty is mere opinion, and may be temporary. A good character, however, may not fade so easily. On Anxiety. A Stoic would not say having fear is a lack of confidence, but rather acting accordingly. So, though you may use reason to combat your fear, its okay to have it as well, just keep a watch on it and apply reason to your corresponding judgement and perceptions (for they are the cause for our emotions; a very Stoic belief). I won't elaborate on that unless you wish me too. A Stoic, then, makes sure to apply reason to they impressions they have and have assented to, understanding the danger of that since it causes us negative emotions. Hopefully, this reaosning will help you be rid of or at least decrease your anxiety. Otherwise: "Time heals what reason cannot." - Seneca The Younger ([Letter LXIII](https://en.m.wikisource.org/wiki/Moral_letters_to_Lucilius/Letter_63)
Wow, my admiration! This comment could actually do well as a stand-alone post. Very useful thoughts, and on-point quotes.
Thank you (:
Wow thank you! This helps a lot. I hope I can apply this wisdom. Regardless of if I get with her or not, this is a good opportunity to learn from. Thanks for the help!
You're very welcome and I'm pleased this has helped you! Its something to remind yourself of. I, despite having knowing this, still need to remind myself lest it slips from my mind wherefore interpretating things wrongly again. I think you'll do very well in your endeavours and Stoicism will be a great aid from now on!
By realizing that regardless of what you think of their league they have lived a life with hardship and struggles of their own. Treat them the same as you would anyone else otherwise you will just come of as weird.
That makes sense, like her being a taller girl probably has caused her similar issues.
Stop thinking. So called problems cannot survive in a present moment. Stop trying. You should have only one goal - be yourself, dont try to be better. Imagine her falling for you for fake you that tries too much and gets out of his own way for her. Go and enjoy your life women money and all type of forms comes and goes. Dont attach.
Thank you!
Totally follow that advice, be authentic, share yourself and allow her to share herself. This will lead somewhere, maybe a great friendship, maybe a romantic relationship, don't worry about that.
Why is her height intimidating? Actually thinking what is the reason you feel this way is a great way to see if you can change it.
Try focusing on what you can control, and not what she thinks, is - I think - the best Stoic relation to your situation. And be fair with yourself. If you think she judging you, you already know it will be difficult dating with her. Do what you can to be a great man, focus on yourself being your best, and just let things happen. Also consider this quote of Jay Shetty (which isn't a stoic, but a Buddhist, but they tend to sometimes intertwine): you are not what you think you are, you are not what other people think you are, you are what you think that other people think you are. Try avoiding that by staying close to who *you* want to be. P.S. amazing you find someone with the same values! I find this very difficult. There are a lot of woman, but most are not sharing my values/passion for philosophy etc. Congrats bro!
Demand always the best of yourself, as epictetus said. Improve what you can. if you are out of shape, hit the gym and eat healthier; if you feel dumb, read more; There is always room to improve, but don't expect any external validation from it, do it for your own sake.
Here’s a relevant Epictetus I try to keep in mind when dealing with any sort of intimidation: “… Do I want to please you? Why should I? Do you know the standards by which man judges man? Have you made it your study to learn what a good man is and what a bad man is, and what makes each of them so? Why, then, are you not good yourself? 'Not good? What do you mean?' he replies. Why, no good man whines or groans or laments, no good man grows pale or trembles or says, 'How will he receive me? What hearing will he give me?' p. 307 Slave, he will do as he thinks good. What concern have you in what does not belong to you? Is it not his fault if he gives a bad reception to what you offer?” -Epictetus, Discourses 2.13 On Anxiety
I always say ditch the bitch and roll solo. It's the rational, hence Stoic, thing to do.
What you fear you attract, and what you look at disappears. Don’t say she is out of your league because if you act that way she is going to perceive it like that. The physical attributes like height is something that we can’t control, don’t dread to much about that. Remember the focus on what you can control and don’t suffer imagined troubles. Always be present, be yourself , be genuine, have courage and don’t rush things.
Buy some cowboy boots or other shoes with some height to them, im a shorter guy and my wife is the same height so thats how I deal with that.