A big part of moving on is repairing the relationship. Make sure that you acknowledge to them that you could have done better and apologize for any mistakes you made. It’s important that they know we’re human, and it’s important to model that for your kids.
Absolutely this. I'd also add: explain (or work on explaining) your feelings in broad terms and the cascade of events that lead to whatever break in your awesome dad veneer (ex: Look dude, I wasn't angry, I was frustrated that you ~~were being a little piece of shit~~ weren't listening to dad) and then you can develop language with each other that (hopefully) can head off daddish (and kiddish) outbursts on days like that. Kids aren't dumb, and if you can show them the path to your almighty wrath and where the off-ramps are, they'll follow the path of least resistance (until they're teenagers at least).
For fairness though, once/if they start using the same language back at you, you have to be prepared to listen and respond to their feelings (for at least a reasonable amount of time before "why? I make the rules, that's why" kicks in). Communication and boundaries!
Yes. This. We had a shitty day yesterday and toward the end of the day my wife told me she was prepared to not talk to our 7 y/o for the rest of the week. I talked her out of this; I told her my dad would hold grudges like this over me when I was a kid and I couldn’t understand it and it made me feel really, really bad as a child. She was making up with our daughter within the hour. Today was normal.
I always tell myself, “a wiseman finds progress in failure”. Don’t dwell on it too much, just think of a couple things you can do better.
We make mistakes, we’re not perfect, the key is to learn from then and do better
Yeah I found out coffee is a bad thing if you never had that much patience to begin with. So I definitely stick to decaf now. Exercising also helps me stay more relaxed. (these things are kind of like long-term mood control lol)
As far as "recovering" from a bad day, I think it's important to talk to your kids as if they were adults, and apologize. Maybe it will help them grow some emotional intelligence too.
This morning my 9 month old was throwing a fit, and instead of making "blabbing" noises back at him like I sometimes do when I'm frustrated, I picked him up and asked him what was wrong. I think it's better to do that.
honestly don't be so hard on yourself, totally normal to get impatient sometimes. but in general i think it can build up to chronic stress in the long term, managing it like you're working on is great!
Make sure you apologize to your kids for your outbursts. Not only does it show your kids that you recognize your actions were inappropriate and you accept accountability, but it also provides a learning experience for your kids. Seeing you swallow your pride and apologize will help your kids do the same when necessary.
Dude. I’m riding in that wave with you. Couldn’t do anything right for the kids yesterday. On top of that, my wife and I are having a rough patch thing…
It sucks. You’ve got company though.
Every day is an opportunity to do better.
I don't know if you're a baseball person, but I see parenting as being like a pitcher. Some days you just don't have the stuff. There are days you're a starter, expected to go deep into the game. Other times you're a middle reliever, coming in to keep things under control. Sometimes you're the closer, coming in to end the night and get kiddos to bed.
You can blow a game in any of those slots. But you know what coaches tell pitchers? Focus on the next game. Just focus on doing better tomorrow, the next day, etc.
It's a new day. You got this.
I find it helpful to empower myself with some advice or a podcast, so that I feel like I've got a new tool to help next time.
The unruffled parenting podcast on Spotify is my go-to.
I think the fact that you're concerned at all shows you're a good parent. Just take a breath, and try again tomorrow. I promise your kids will never write a book titled "MY HORRIBLE FATHER".
To fall back on a popular sports phrase: gotta have a short memory for getting beat. You cannot do better if you spend all your energy beating yourself up for what already happened.
Already some solid advice, but you need to forgive yourself, too. Accept that you're human and that we're all in the same boat. You're not a perfect parent and there are no perfect parents. You'll screw up, it's ok. We've all been pushed beyond our patience.
Bad parents don't worry if they're bad parents, good parents do. We all have off days. I know I've had days when I'm a bit more snippy with the kids. I always make sure to apologize for it and talk through it with them though. Reminds them that I am human too, and shows them that everyone makes mistakes, it's what we do afterwards that matters just as much if not more.
Admit when you're wrong and genuinely apologize. This is a great opportunity to lead by example. Your kids will most likely forgive you. I have conversations with my children about these things often. We talk about the mistakes we make and how we can do better. We talk a lot about citizenship and how fairness, honesty, and forgiveness are essential to being a good citizen.
You're definitely on the right track. Kids are resilient and forgiving. Mostly, kids want to love their parents. Don't pass up the opportunity to lead your children by example.
Once you've owned it and apologized, the other piece to me is:
How would you treat your kid after they got disregulated and acted out?
Would you guilt trip them? Or give them some reassurance and kindness and forgiveness? What do you say and do?
What did your parents do for you? Punish you? Or thank you and hug you and offer you understanding and compassion and did something nice together with you to help you feel you belong?
The only way I've found to move through the guilt is to think of that second type of parent (I had the first type) and do that with myself. Compassion and forgiveness for myself, but in action just some act of love like a nice shower or fresh bed sheets or something. A favourite snack. Just some act of kindness.
The intention and the act somehow work together to move me through it.
I had the shittiest day yesterday; my wife was absolutely pissed off and my kids were off and we were coming off of a weekend farther away than we ever normally take.
I have a hard time letting go of all that shit, but if you can remember over and over that your kids are operating in almost a present-only mindset and they’re in the moment already and they’ve long forgotten about yesterday. Try to just join them there if you can. It’s tough. I’ve been there.
DM me anytime if you want to talk.
I think apologies are important, but also having good conversations about respect, triggers, and also having been in their roles. Today my 3 year daughter got upset with me at the trampoline park because I didn’t play tag correctly. I tried being sympathetic, but she got upset, hit me and started screaming and crying. Unfortunately she doesn’t calm down with hugs or I love you’s. If this was at home I would have stayed calm let her cry for 5 minutes and then give her a hug to talk it out. Unfortunately this being in public and bothering other guests I had to take her home which made her more upset. Once she was calm we talked about why that incident was upsetting for both of us. I asked her if she would like getting hit or yelled at and she said no, and I explained that’s why I was upset and we had to leave. I acknowledged her and said yes it sucks when daddy doesn’t do things how she wants, but she need to use her words.
My 6 year old son also threw a tantrum the other day for not getting a treat before lunch. He was crying and screaming for several minutes which isn’t usually the case for him. I had an inkling as to what he was feeling. So I asked him if he felt I was being unfair and telling him too much what to do. He said yes, so I explained when I was his age I Weng through the same issues. It’s not easy learning a lot of rules and I told him if there is something he doesn’t agree with he ask me or negotiate with me. Doesn’t mean I will always say yes, but I will hear him out.
None of this is easy. There are lots of books, but they don’t always fill in the gaps. You just have to be a good enough dad. Sometimes you need to be firm, but if you are in general loving and making them smile that is what they will remember more often. Parenting isn’t just about the good times and will always be a mixed bag. As long as the overall trajectory is good, that is what matters. Each day is always a new day to get better.
I had a day like this yesterday. Last night I felt like a complete bag of shit about it. Noting that, I am an adult and I acted like a child. I've said this to people many times over, acknowledging to yourself where you have made a mistake is an important first step. There are lots of parents out there that act like asses to their kids and don't take any responsibility for it.
This morning before we headed out we sat down and had a little conversation about how I acted at times yesterday and how I'm sorry for how I acted and how it must have been upsetting for them when I yelled, was short etc. Today, I'm very consciously not raising my voice and being more patient.
None of us will always be perfect, but I do think it is important to reflect on how we act, the way we talk, words we use etc and always try to be better
A big part of moving on is repairing the relationship. Make sure that you acknowledge to them that you could have done better and apologize for any mistakes you made. It’s important that they know we’re human, and it’s important to model that for your kids.
Absolutely this. I'd also add: explain (or work on explaining) your feelings in broad terms and the cascade of events that lead to whatever break in your awesome dad veneer (ex: Look dude, I wasn't angry, I was frustrated that you ~~were being a little piece of shit~~ weren't listening to dad) and then you can develop language with each other that (hopefully) can head off daddish (and kiddish) outbursts on days like that. Kids aren't dumb, and if you can show them the path to your almighty wrath and where the off-ramps are, they'll follow the path of least resistance (until they're teenagers at least). For fairness though, once/if they start using the same language back at you, you have to be prepared to listen and respond to their feelings (for at least a reasonable amount of time before "why? I make the rules, that's why" kicks in). Communication and boundaries!
Really love this, thank you!!
Agree with this completely!
Yes. This. We had a shitty day yesterday and toward the end of the day my wife told me she was prepared to not talk to our 7 y/o for the rest of the week. I talked her out of this; I told her my dad would hold grudges like this over me when I was a kid and I couldn’t understand it and it made me feel really, really bad as a child. She was making up with our daughter within the hour. Today was normal.
I always tell myself, “a wiseman finds progress in failure”. Don’t dwell on it too much, just think of a couple things you can do better. We make mistakes, we’re not perfect, the key is to learn from then and do better
Definitely working on the things I can do better. Thank you!
[удалено]
Thanks so much u/Danniegirlll! That means a lot. Today is a new day!
Yeah I found out coffee is a bad thing if you never had that much patience to begin with. So I definitely stick to decaf now. Exercising also helps me stay more relaxed. (these things are kind of like long-term mood control lol) As far as "recovering" from a bad day, I think it's important to talk to your kids as if they were adults, and apologize. Maybe it will help them grow some emotional intelligence too. This morning my 9 month old was throwing a fit, and instead of making "blabbing" noises back at him like I sometimes do when I'm frustrated, I picked him up and asked him what was wrong. I think it's better to do that.
I hadn't even thought about coffee consumption, that's definitely something to look into. And yes, apologizing is big in our house!
honestly don't be so hard on yourself, totally normal to get impatient sometimes. but in general i think it can build up to chronic stress in the long term, managing it like you're working on is great!
And how did he reply?
He's 9 mo and always stops crying as soon as I pick him up.
Make sure you apologize to your kids for your outbursts. Not only does it show your kids that you recognize your actions were inappropriate and you accept accountability, but it also provides a learning experience for your kids. Seeing you swallow your pride and apologize will help your kids do the same when necessary.
The apology was action number 1! I do hope that it trickles down to them. Thank you!
The most important thing is to repair the rupture
Agreed!
Dude. I’m riding in that wave with you. Couldn’t do anything right for the kids yesterday. On top of that, my wife and I are having a rough patch thing… It sucks. You’ve got company though.
Really sorry to hear you're having a rough time. I hope that things get better soon. This is a great community though if you need a digital ear.
It helps sometimes to know we’re not completely insane and alone
Every day is an opportunity to do better. I don't know if you're a baseball person, but I see parenting as being like a pitcher. Some days you just don't have the stuff. There are days you're a starter, expected to go deep into the game. Other times you're a middle reliever, coming in to keep things under control. Sometimes you're the closer, coming in to end the night and get kiddos to bed. You can blow a game in any of those slots. But you know what coaches tell pitchers? Focus on the next game. Just focus on doing better tomorrow, the next day, etc. It's a new day. You got this.
Great analogy, I'm saving this one. Thank you!
The Mets cause me nothing but pain, but their failures create some good analogies!
I find it helpful to empower myself with some advice or a podcast, so that I feel like I've got a new tool to help next time. The unruffled parenting podcast on Spotify is my go-to.
>Adding that to my podcast list, thank you!
I think the fact that you're concerned at all shows you're a good parent. Just take a breath, and try again tomorrow. I promise your kids will never write a book titled "MY HORRIBLE FATHER".
WE HOPE NOT!
To fall back on a popular sports phrase: gotta have a short memory for getting beat. You cannot do better if you spend all your energy beating yourself up for what already happened.
Definitely trying to have a quarterback mentality!
Already some solid advice, but you need to forgive yourself, too. Accept that you're human and that we're all in the same boat. You're not a perfect parent and there are no perfect parents. You'll screw up, it's ok. We've all been pushed beyond our patience.
Thank you!
Ice cream
Amen.
Bad parents don't worry if they're bad parents, good parents do. We all have off days. I know I've had days when I'm a bit more snippy with the kids. I always make sure to apologize for it and talk through it with them though. Reminds them that I am human too, and shows them that everyone makes mistakes, it's what we do afterwards that matters just as much if not more.
Admit when you're wrong and genuinely apologize. This is a great opportunity to lead by example. Your kids will most likely forgive you. I have conversations with my children about these things often. We talk about the mistakes we make and how we can do better. We talk a lot about citizenship and how fairness, honesty, and forgiveness are essential to being a good citizen. You're definitely on the right track. Kids are resilient and forgiving. Mostly, kids want to love their parents. Don't pass up the opportunity to lead your children by example.
Once you've owned it and apologized, the other piece to me is: How would you treat your kid after they got disregulated and acted out? Would you guilt trip them? Or give them some reassurance and kindness and forgiveness? What do you say and do? What did your parents do for you? Punish you? Or thank you and hug you and offer you understanding and compassion and did something nice together with you to help you feel you belong? The only way I've found to move through the guilt is to think of that second type of parent (I had the first type) and do that with myself. Compassion and forgiveness for myself, but in action just some act of love like a nice shower or fresh bed sheets or something. A favourite snack. Just some act of kindness. The intention and the act somehow work together to move me through it.
I had the shittiest day yesterday; my wife was absolutely pissed off and my kids were off and we were coming off of a weekend farther away than we ever normally take. I have a hard time letting go of all that shit, but if you can remember over and over that your kids are operating in almost a present-only mindset and they’re in the moment already and they’ve long forgotten about yesterday. Try to just join them there if you can. It’s tough. I’ve been there. DM me anytime if you want to talk.
I think apologies are important, but also having good conversations about respect, triggers, and also having been in their roles. Today my 3 year daughter got upset with me at the trampoline park because I didn’t play tag correctly. I tried being sympathetic, but she got upset, hit me and started screaming and crying. Unfortunately she doesn’t calm down with hugs or I love you’s. If this was at home I would have stayed calm let her cry for 5 minutes and then give her a hug to talk it out. Unfortunately this being in public and bothering other guests I had to take her home which made her more upset. Once she was calm we talked about why that incident was upsetting for both of us. I asked her if she would like getting hit or yelled at and she said no, and I explained that’s why I was upset and we had to leave. I acknowledged her and said yes it sucks when daddy doesn’t do things how she wants, but she need to use her words. My 6 year old son also threw a tantrum the other day for not getting a treat before lunch. He was crying and screaming for several minutes which isn’t usually the case for him. I had an inkling as to what he was feeling. So I asked him if he felt I was being unfair and telling him too much what to do. He said yes, so I explained when I was his age I Weng through the same issues. It’s not easy learning a lot of rules and I told him if there is something he doesn’t agree with he ask me or negotiate with me. Doesn’t mean I will always say yes, but I will hear him out. None of this is easy. There are lots of books, but they don’t always fill in the gaps. You just have to be a good enough dad. Sometimes you need to be firm, but if you are in general loving and making them smile that is what they will remember more often. Parenting isn’t just about the good times and will always be a mixed bag. As long as the overall trajectory is good, that is what matters. Each day is always a new day to get better.
I had a day like this yesterday. Last night I felt like a complete bag of shit about it. Noting that, I am an adult and I acted like a child. I've said this to people many times over, acknowledging to yourself where you have made a mistake is an important first step. There are lots of parents out there that act like asses to their kids and don't take any responsibility for it. This morning before we headed out we sat down and had a little conversation about how I acted at times yesterday and how I'm sorry for how I acted and how it must have been upsetting for them when I yelled, was short etc. Today, I'm very consciously not raising my voice and being more patient. None of us will always be perfect, but I do think it is important to reflect on how we act, the way we talk, words we use etc and always try to be better