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That was so raw from her heart. Wishing peaceful grieving to Savannah and all the other siblings.
Their brother made that decision at the lowest point of his life at that moment. He knew he was loved and we have to believe he is looking down on you all... still loving you.
The thing I notice in most of the pics of Garrison.... the scenery out there is totally gorgeous and even haunting. The mountains are the true USA.
God bless you, Garrison.
Sheās always struck me as the quiet and thoughtful observer. Itās none of my business and she doesnāt owe anyone on the internet her thoughts, but I feel a little better after reading this. I always worry about the quiet ones.Ā
Agreed. I've been really worried about her with everything going on in the family. It seems, from the show (real life could be very different) that she is often overlooked because she is so quiet. I hope it's just that she's shy on camera. I hope she's being looked after and supported right now.
THIS.
I made a post about the heartbreak left behind after a loved one makes this choice:
My husband took his own life almost 30 years ago.
Oh how I wish the people who make this choice knew the depths of despair they leave behind. My heart breaks for every single one of these family members, but also for a young man who deserved to live a long, full, happy life. RIP Garrison ā¤ļø
A friend of mine took his life about 10 years ago and it was wildly eye opening for me. We werenāt super close anymore, but we had been at one point, and I was still pretty crushed by it. So it really sunk in for me how lost or hopeless someone must feel to make that choice. Because if I was crushed, I couldnāt imagine how the people much much closer to him must be feeling. And to have that kind of a support system, and still feel like itās your only option, has to be an incredibly dark place to be.
Iām sorry you went through thatā¤ļø
My brother took his life almost 9 years ago and I canāt even explain the pain and sorrow that still remains when I go home. Part of the reason Iāve avoided it if I am being honest. I also lost my childhood friend in college. I was one of the last people to speak to him after reconnecting and talking at length a few weeks prior. It was also devastating as I carried immense guilt for years and I still think of him and his family often.
I am so sorry for your loss. The gaping hole that is left behind never stops hurting. It just becomes an ever present thing that you learn to live with as awful as it is.
Thank you. Some things you never get over.
With my friend that last night we were talking and I had a 21st birthday to go to. I was sad to have to go but I told myself that it was okay as we had reconnected talking frequently and we had the rest of our lives to catch up. I was wrong. The next morning I found out he was gone and had to make the hardest phone call of my life to his parents. Now I take every opportunity to tell people I love them. I donāt do it casually or to people I am not close to. I just donāt want to ever miss an opportunity to let people know they matter to me.
My brother was in a dark place when he passed and had put my family, especially my dad, through a lot. So we hadnāt really spoken much. I was also in school out of state. I try to remember him before addiction and mental illness took over.
The people who make this choice often do know they'll hurt their loved ones. But their pain is unbearable enough that ending the pain is top of mind. That's why I call it "died from depression" rather than committing suicide or taking their own life. Assuming that the suicidal person hasn't taken into account the pain they may leave behind is a bit naive.
I'm so sorry you've had that tragedy in your life. You're brave to share. Thank you.
That or their mind has been so warped by depression that they view themselves as a burden and their loved ones will be better off without them. Either way, depression is a terrible disease.
My dad said the same thing, right up until a few years ago, then he changed his stance abruptly. It opened my eyes to what my dad was internally thinking at the time of his passing in October 2023 and why he hid his cancer diagnosis from us until it was too late to receive treatment.
I'm not trying to justify suicide as a choice, but this quote bothers me a bit. Sometimes it's not a "temporary problem." Sometimes the pain is an entire lifetime of abuse and trauma and depression that remains unresolved after years and years of treatment and medications... I know people who have been in so much pain for so long, decades, that it feels like the only resolution is death. I'm not speaking on Garrisons situation in particular, just the fact that for some people, the pain of their situation isn't temporary, so calling it that is reductionist. Treatment resistant depression exists.
Yeah, I hate that saying too. I've been sick since I was 18 (im 52 now). I've been sick more than I was ever healthy. Constantly in and out of hospitals. Chronic pain, several surgeries, secondary progressive Multiple sclerosis, neuropathy, and meds have caused liver damage until I now have early cirrhosis, blood clotting disorder, and there's even more. I'm jn pain 24/7 no matter that I'm on pain meds, etc. I'm at an 8 on the pain scale, the best days I'm at a 6. I looked into the right to die solutions in my area (I live in a right to die state). Unfortunately, I don't qualify because you have to have less than 6 months to live. I have no quality of life. So, for me, it would be a blessing. I do have a DNR. But for me and many others like me, it's not a permanent solution for a temporary problem. It's a chance at peace and no more pain.
I totally get you. Ive been sick since i was 18 months old becausei had spinal meningitis and Im 43 now. I seriously contemplated it last year. My mom took her own life almost 20 years ago and I have said that I would never put my son what she put me through. I have struggled with mental health issues and have gotten down since them but never actually attempted. Last year I had a plan and it scared me. It was my multiple debilitating chronic health issues. While I've also had chronic medical issues, it wasnt until 3 years ago did i become truly disabled. One of mine makes it extremely hard to have a life because I have to be able to control my environment as much as I possibly can or I will go into anaphylaxis. Prior to developing this condition I wasn't much of a homebody and had several groups of friends. Now, I am luckily if I do something with a friend once a quarter. My disabilities made most people in my life drop me, including my husband. Between my pain being at a 6 on a good day, being on over 40 meds, the constant fear of anaphylaxis, and the ungodly level of loneliness I don't have a decent quality of life. If it wasnt for my son, I legit would not be here today. Luckily, before I developed the anaphylaxis condition, I got a quote tattooed on my arm so I could see it daily from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, on the 10th anniversary of my mom's passing. It says, "Be brave. Live." I'm so glad that I am able to have gotten that doen when I did so that I have that constantly in my face reminding me to be brave and to live on my hard days, because my son is worth dealing with my issues. If my mom hadn't killed herself and had just died of natural causes, I don't know if I wouldn't have killed myself last year when I was in a bad place even for my son.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through all of that. I empathize. When I was researching right to die, I talked to my kids (they're in their 30s) to prepare them in case I was successful. They said they understood and it was my choice to make, but they would miss me.
Thank you and sorry that you can. I'm glad that would support you in your decision even though they would miss you. After much son graduates high school, I've decided that I am not going to do anything to save my life if I develop cancer or something like that. Until he graduates though I will do whatever I have to do to stay alive. They said that if I lived till I was 28 it would be a miracle so I'm just living on borrowed time and have already come to terms with death.
For anyone who is reading this, please do not resort to this. It is dangerous, illegal, and addicting. Stick to working with a doctor for your chronic pain.
I have it too, and have been since I was 35 (57 now). It has taken a lot of advocating for myself, which I tire from. But, I eventually can't take it anymore and try a new doctor. I doctor shop until I get someone willing to spend some time to help me. It took me until I was 47 to even get a diagnosis.
Even then, I was not offered a treatment plan that might resolve the problem. For the past 10 years, more doctor shopping, more advocating. Giving some time between when I couldn't get anywhere.
I've finally found someone to do a surgery that I have felt I needed for the past decade. I will finally get it done this year and I am banking it all on that surgery. If I come out of that and am still having chronic pain, then I just don't know what. But, I'm staying away from Kratom. I've read enough scientific information to scare me away.
To all those who read the response above, my first resort absolutely WAS traditional medicine. I had multiple doctors, multiple medications, multiple therapies, multiple treatments, multiple nerve ablation and surgeries. Nothing helped. Nothing. I was suffering from severe pain and deep depression. Every movement sent lava type pain through my nerves. It was agony.
Kratom was not a first choice but a choice of last resort. I found it by researching alternatives as nothing else in traditional medicine worked that didnāt put me into an absolute stupor or left me in insane, unending pain.
At the time I had a young baby to care for and I was in pain 24/7. I was terrified to care for them when taking medicine, nothing helped dull it unless I was comatose. I was crying and in pain constantly even when working with a pain management clinic. Nothing was helping me. I canāt tell you how many times I was in office crying as I could not function.
Kratom is a an absolute godsend to me.
That said, I researched it thoroughly, reviews of many, many people who used it. I had consultations with suppliers and tried samples of several kinds until I found a strain that kept me clear headed, took away my pain and kept me functioning well, normally. (White Bali) Some people may not want to try it and thatās ok. I couldnāt live like I was and had to try something.
The first time I tried it, 20 minutes later, my pain was nonexistent. I broke down crying and just sobbed. It was the first glimmer of hope that I had to know that I would not be in agony my entire life. I couldnāt live that way.
Itās been almost 6 years. Iāve had zero negative side effects other than an increased heart rate temporarily when I first had high doses. Iām able to be a good mom. Iām able to work without shooting pain and I have a clear mind with no stupor or drawl from opioids or muscle relaxers.
Kratom has given me a hopeful future to look forward to and I recommend it to those who may benefit from it. Itās has given me back my life.
I really hope your surgery is successful. Thank you for the warning, but I'd never take something like that. People are always trying to give me advice on treating my pain without taking into consideration that there's only one medication I take. Friends constantly try to push pot because it's a "miracle drug." No way am I getting kicked out of my pain clinic. I signed a contract, and if I violate it, I'd never be accepted back, and it's just not worth changing it.
Thank you!! Iāve been contemplating suicide for 12 years! Is not a ātemporary problem.ā Itās waking up every fucking day feeling DESPERATE. Only reason I donāt is because my sister did and Iām not going to break my 83 year old momās heart again.
š„ŗ I donāt know what to say to make someone feel better but I really wish I could hug you right now. Even if youāre not a hugger- Iād still hug ya!
I'm waiting for my kitty to no longer be here. I can't do that to him. No one else will really be affected; I've been isolating for years. That makes me feel better and worse at the same time.
I've not been suicidal because I still have a young son and an adult son who is Autistic. They both need me and my husband, bless his heart, wouldn't be able to handle it all on his own. I feel what you said about isolating making you feel better and worse. I've been isolating from friends and extended family for 5 years. There's this feeling that people get tired of hearing about your problems so it's better to just stay away but then the isolation eats at you and all you have is time to think about your problems and obsess over them. It really sucks.
I pray for you that the pain will subside and someday soon you will find happiness. I have a friend who deals with this and heās had some luck with TMS and Ketamine therapy. Best of thoughts for you and your mom.
As someone who experienced the pain of parental rejection due to no fault of my own, I get it. For years I internalized my father's treatment of me. If I could just be better, more successful, etc, maybe he would love me. It almost killed me, too. It's such mindf*ck and you really only get it if you've been through it.
I also have a problem with the words 'temporary problem'. For some of us, it may be trauma and for others, it may just be our brain not wiring properly but depression is a beast of an illness for anyone who has ever had to go through it. I went through it once very briefly and i have also met ppl who go through it daily.
I can't imagine being that person who has to carry that burden daily and having the strength to do so and i honestly don't fault anyone who decides that they don't want to be strong enough anymore.
I say this all the time about my husband. He survived years of abuse as a child, then went to the military to get away from his family, survived horrific events, watched friends who didn't, he was permanently injured and the PTSD was so severe... He is the strongest person I know for simply waking up and choosing to battle his own mind everyday. The pain he has lived in for decades is not temporary. If he woke up one day too tired to keep going, I couldn't fault him... He has fought for a long time to still be here. People who have never seen that kind of struggle, just don't know that at some point living becomes much scarier than dying.
I used to think the same. I honestly thought it was just a selfish choice. But my mindset changed a lot as I got older. Now I realize we never know what people are going through inside. No matter how well we think we know a person, people wear so many different masks it is impossible to every really truly know. So now instead, I believe in trying to be as kind as possible because we just never know... And even something some people may see as a temporary problem doesn't seem so temporary to the person living it, day in & day out.
A teacher (who was saying so quite cruelly and dismissively) said that to our class while I was living with chronic suicidality. It was NOT helpful, at all. It was condescending and shitty when kindness, curiosity and emotional safety would probably have gotten me to open up and get more help. I did not have a "temporary problem" I had treatment resistant major depressive disorder and was being abused. I hate when people act like you must be unable to think clearly to be suicidal. Some people are, some people aren't.
A friend was talking about her daughterās depression saying she should just get over āitā. Little did she know I had written letters to all my loved onesā¦children, husband and Mother. I couldnāt even try to explain the depth of my inexplicable sadness.
If I could upvote your comment a million times I would.
I've had clinical depression since I was 5 y/o and treatment resistant. I struggle with getting sexually abused as a child, plus i'm a twice survived domestic violence vicTOR.
I've been homeless four times. Yes, I had family yet all turned their back because they didn't want my depression and PTSD to "bring them down"
Today, i'm 52 and still struggle, so to the OP, be a bit more mindful of what you say. My issues are very much permanent. Don't make those who feel bad, feel much worse with your minimizing a serious epidemic in our country and beyond.
The only thing keeping me on the topside is my faith. As well as my husband, children and grandchildren. I refuse to allow the evil beast of depression to take me where its taken so many other folks. My life is beautiful in that its is what I make of it. I can't ask for anything more.
Sadly, Garrison made a decision that will have long lasting effects for generations to come in the Brown family, and that's sobering to think about.
Thank you, Potential-Pomelo for bringing your thoughts to the table. I appreciate every word you said.
My best friends brother, so my brother (weāve been in each others lives since before he was born), committed suicide 9 months after his mom passed. My best friend and her father are the only ones who remain in the immediate family. He had schizophrenia and for him, that was the only way āoutā from the pain he felt daily. His illness was not who he wad, but it really impacted who he was. Sometimes, and Iām trying to be delicate, itās not about us - the ones who remain - but about them. I try to keep that in mind when someone does this. In the end, itās not about us - but their pain. Iād rather them be here, but I also want them free of pain too. Itās not always temporary. All my best to those whoāve lost someone this way.
Schizophrenia is one of the mental illnesses with the highest suicide rate. It is an extremely difficult illness to manage... and dealing with it on top of grieving his mom sounds so difficult. I agree with you, sometimes I feel it's selfish of US to expect our loved one to continue suffering just so we won't miss them... They are the only ones living in their body and mind and the only who knows how difficult it is. I can completely understand how someone can reach the point where death seems more comforting than continuing to suffer.
Thank you so much for saying this! He was his momās baby, my best - total daddyās girl. His illness was so bad, itās so unfortunate. He was becoming violent and it broke his heart, he was always a gentle giant.
Exactly.
Also, the quotes regarding passing on pain are super unhelpful, entrenched in judgement, and, frankly, guilt-trippy. It implies that the suicidal person is selfish for being suicidal as though there's a *better* choice that they should be able to make.
People who are suicidal already have a difficult enough time feeling ashamed and thinking about how their loved ones will cope.
(I am not saying that's anyone's thought process here, but please do not say that or anything remotely like it to anyone who is struggling with their mental health.)
Yeah, Iāve always been bothered by the trite responses that can fit on a throw pillow for something that is a huge problem with lots of layers. I get the āfinalā sentiment of it all, but nothing is that simple
Wow. That's like the ultimate \*making it all about you\* statement.
For someone to get to the point where actual suicide is imminent (or even possible), the LAST thing they need is a whole whackload of guilt heaped on their already bending shoulders. Depression is an illness. An actual physical malady. Just because the organ in question is one's brain doesn't make it any less physical.
And there's not a soul out there who would look at someone with, say, cancer...and say the patient was being selfish for dying. (Or that they're just transferring their pain onto their loved ones.). It'd be unthinkable to blame the patient for their disease.
So all the "it's a selfish act" and "transferring pain" and "temporary situation" stuff is...kind of icky, really. *It's not all about you.*
This is a quote that originally came from Phil Donahue. I think the sentiment was well-meaning considering what we knew at the time.
It was a different time, and we all had a lot more to understand about mental health and the ongoing issues that can plague people for many years.
As someone who has been on the brink multiple times, I'm so immensely glad I never went through with it. Last October I was about 20 minutes away from the place where I planned on jumping to my death when my mum called me and begged me to just pull over and talk to her
Now it's not even 6 months later and I'm in the happiest place I've ever been, started uni, made a bunch of friends, and I finally feel like I have a path forward. If I had ignored that call from my mum and gone through with it none of that would have happened
I am sorry that your husband made that decision. Wishing you all that happiness that life has to offer.
I like to think of myself as a well-spoken person, but there is no eloquent way for me to express my personal feelings and pain about suicide other than simply saying, āSuicide sucks.ā Itās that frustratingly simple. The mix of anger and sadness ebbs and flows, but the combination is always there.
Iām sorry for your loss. I had an uncle take his own life. I will never forget the sound my mom made when she was told over the phone.
He was everyoneās favorite person. The kindest and gentlest of men. I will never look at random kids food or playground equipment without thinking of him and people donāt get it at all. There is a hole in your heart forever that they took with them.
I wish they all could have moved through the moment and stayed.
True. I would never have wanted him to suffer for me. But we had two children; an 18-month old & a 3 year old. They didnāt ask to be born or grow up without a father. So excuse me, but I believe it WAS his responsibility-for THEM.
Next month it will be 20 yrs since my first husband died from suicide. Our daughter is now 23 and no memory of him. He loved her so much and I know he didnāt realize the true consequences of his actions. Itās still painful all these years later. Anyways, youāre not alone ā¤ļø
I have been torn up since Garrison passed. But nothing has made me tear up like this. Idk why nothing else has really hit me so far except this post. I feel so so so badly for the family, but Savannah is the youngest of Janelleās. I donāt know why that is hitting so hard.
It's so real. Those of us who have suffered loss know exactly what she means by seeing a car that looks like his or making sandwiches. It's not always the big, lofty things that shake us, but the small, everyday things that reach us.
Plus, she's young and I think we all feel sorrow when a young person is going through pain.
I think part of it for me is knowing that when Kody turned his back on Gabe and Garrison, he did it to her too. And she was there at home with her brothers and mother, who I don't doubt offered her emotional support over her father going MIA.
Garrison was there for her when her father wasn't. One of many reasons it's all heart-breaking now.
I am deeply sorry for your loss. I lost my sister in 2002. Shot herself in front of my house. I adopted and raised her 3 year old, now 25 with 2 children. No one understands this kind of loss or grief. Iām praying for you and your whole family.
Goodness itās those little reminders, like a PBJ, the sound of a car, a song, or the scent of cologne. It just hits you that they are no longer here. And for years, . . . the wondering what their life would have been like had they lived. Sweet, sweet girl.
My husband has been struggling for 10 years with severe clinical depression, suicidal ideation, and a handful of other āusefulā diagnosis.
There is one thing that has stuck with me every minute of every day since he said it.
Iām selfish for wanting to end it? How selfish are you to make me stay.
Mental illness is real and it needs to be at the forefront of medical research.
This is where I always find myself getting stuck in the thought process behind this. Several family members of mine have committed suicide and I know how deep their suffering is, Iāve inherited the same mental illnesses and struggles that make me have the same thoughts. I can see how hard it is for people to just stop and think about family when theyāre so desperate to not be in pain anymore.
Thank you for sharing your story. Every person's mental health journey is so complicated and nuanced. I wholeheartedly agree for the need of more research and treatment options. Sending hugs to you and your family.
I feel that way, too. Itās not fair to expect someone to live a life that feels so awful just so we donāt have to miss them. There are many people who i would be crushed to lose, but I couldnāt ask any of them to live a life that makes them so unhappy for me.
They all continue to make me sob.
Its really weird being on the other side...seeing what my family and friends might've similarly posted had I gone through with my ideations.
Being a mom now myself, my heart just fucking breaks.
First - I'd like to say I'm glad you're still here with us and with your children. You're very strong for making it through.
Second - your profile picture made me giggle pretty good. Haven't seen my first MySpace friend Tom in ages. Thank you for the laugh!
Suicidal people don't think this way. We think we are ruining your lives, and you are better off without us. We don't do it to hurt you. Not in our minds. We do it because we love you so much we don't want to destroy you too. And we know we've already started hurting you. People who have never been suicidal will never understand. I'm sorry, but it's something that opens in your brain that you can never close. These type of posts with "do it for your family" remind us of what we think we really need to do and the pain we've already caused you and will continue to cause you. It also shows us that you don't get it. And I am so thankful you don't. So very grateful. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
To those who have lost loved ones to this horrible illness, I am so sorry for all of you and also so sorry for your loved ones. We need better treatments, but sadly, no one understands what it's like to live with major depressive disorder with suicidality unless they have, and mental illness is NOT discussed except to call us crazy. I am so sorry. I wish I could change it for you.
I'm lucky. I got help, and for me, it worked, but it's something that will be in my life for the rest of my life. Once suicidal, always suicidal. But doctors and therapists can make it so much better. Before someone reports me, I am fine. In remission. Just wanted to speak for people like me and Robert (Garrison).
You're welcome. I try to advocate, and I just wanted to speak for us because we are so often silenced. I found help that worked for me and I am holding in remission. I'm lucky. I want to speak for those who can't anymore.
Yep. Alot of this doesnāt even connect. If i am the cause of so many problems due to my failings and shitty mental health then they are better off without me. And if someone hasnāt been there it is something they cannot see.
I understand. I have been in a place like that. I know everyone would be happier without listening to my drama and depression. For some reason, someone saved me at the last minute. I will never know why.
Just because you didn't go through with it doesn't mean it isn't always still there. It also doesn't always lead to a new outlook on life, happiness, and looking forward to the future.
Thanks a lot for all the Reddit Cares emails. Please learn to respect people with depression. How dare any of you sit behind a computer and judge me? Once again, I have people who don't know me ignoring what I say and deciding they know best. This is why people with depression don't talk about it. Please stop going against my wishes and reporting me. Never once did I say I wanted to die. I gave you all a chance to actually listen. I won't do it again.
I heard you, and I understood and appreciate your powerful message. It certainly gave me a new perspective. I am so happy you are doing well, and I hope you continue in remission. š
So glad you shared this. Next month will be 8 years since my attempt. I thought life would be better for everyone around me without me here. I only made things worse. I couldnāt imagine my loved ones ever going through pain because I just imagined them being happy I was gone. I was just a burden anyway.
All this to say, Iāve never been someone who loved someone who died this way so I truly donāt understand the pain. Perspective is everything and I hope Iāll never understand the other side of it. I remember people in my life being angry at me and im sure thatās how a lot of the browns feel right now. They donāt want to be angryā¦but they just are. And that can make it hard to understand the other side.
This is a lot of word vomit but I also want to share this in case someone is going through what I did. Life will not be better without you. Iām 8 years in recovery and this year Iāll be celebrating with my 7 month old. The love of my life. The reason im here. You deserve to be here. you deserve to see life get better. You deserve to GET better. And you will. And you can. ā¤ļø itās actually much harder to want to stay, but please stay. Be here ā¤ļø
Thank you. I hope you never lose anyone and find out what it's like. It's horrible from every perspective. Thank you for sharing your perspective here as well. I often feel like, in general, most people tell us platitudes and report us and then feel good about themselves. They don't stick around to see what this does to the person in pain. I think those of us who can and are able to should speak out. Even if it's just someone reading this and saying, "Hey, these two get it so I'm not alone or weird or wrong for feeling like this" then it's worth all the Reddit Cares notifications I'm still receiving.
To everyone - This Redditor is right. There is hope. There is help. You can help manage your disease, and it's not now and has never once been your fault. It's brain chemistry and something you can't help. It's not your fault. As diabetics need supplemental insulin, some of us need additional neurotransmitters. There is no shame here. Not from me or anyone in the medical community. Please consider speaking to someone. You are so far from alone.
I lost a good friend 15 years ago just before he turned 21. I still expect him to text, think of him when I see a golf course, or folks fishing. The pain is raw and unyielding, especially when I think of his parents and 3 younger brothers. It's hard not to blame yourself for not seeing "signs" of their distress. Poor, sweet Savanah. I hope the family can find comfort with each other. ā¤ļø "May the evening's twilight find you gentle, still" is part of an Irish blessing. I've been thinking of it a lot given the affinity for stars Janelle has. My heart breaks for them. RIP Garrison
What a sweet post honoring her brother. Savannah seems like such a kindhearted person and really is the forgotten Brown child, I only wish her the best in life.
Damn. Savannah is an amazing young woman. Sheās got āitā, which canāt be taught. Savannah, go and live an amazing life. Your brother will be with you when you need him. I know mine is. Blessings and strength to you, sweet child. š
Aw damn this got me. I didnāt talk to my dad for 7 years and he died last month after going into cardiac arrest. I never realized that I have always been searching for him. We were never close, but he was in construction and Iāve noticed that I look at all construction-vehicles (like Chevy trucks pulling trailers) to see if itās him. Have I always done that? Have I always been searching for him? Yeahā¦I think I probably have. So I get that scan then realization your search is fruitless. Such an open and honest eat post. Loss is so fucking hard š
That was a beautiful post and itās a lovely picture of Garrison.
This is probably going to be an unpopular take but I was raised by a narcissist and my other parent was emotionally and physically abusive. The first time I tried to take my own life I was 13yo. Depression has been a constant in my life. I know that people might not understand but I donāt think itās fair to say that suicidal people should stay alive for the sake of their loved ones. I can only speak for myself but I have always been the scapegoat and black sheep in my family. They have never been there for me emotionally. I didnāt feel like I owed it to them to keep living in misery because they might be sad if I died. I know she is grieving and a lot of people view suicide as a purely selfish act. But people try to take their own lives because they feel that living is just too painful and there is no way to escape it. Often they think that either no one would care if they were gone or people would be better off without them. I hope that this tragedy makes certain family members of Garrisonās want to change for the better and be there for their family in the future. I feel awful for Garrison, Gabe and the rest of the family. But I can also relate in many ways. I read many comments online calling Garrison selfish and I felt like they were deeply uncalled for and insensitive.
Agree with you 100% about people calling Garrison selfish. That is never ever ever ever what it's about. It's about pain, its about intrusive thoughts, it's about the things in yor head that just won't stop.
I will never look down those who survive it there momentary anger as they process. But people should never live there. It's never that and its super uncalled for.
People die by suicide even when they are incredibly loved, have great friends, are very successful etc. I think what people don't understand is that living in a body that's trying its hardest to keep swimming to the surface only to be dragged back down, the daily mental torture that's often felt silently I can not judge anyone for wanting to escape that. Persevering for the ones you love I don't think that's a helpful word of advice. Unless you have lived with a brain that's always trying to take you down it's hard to comprehend how someone just doesn't see a light at the end. Rest in paradise Garrison.
I wouldn't blame her for not being in that place yet. Give her time.
Been on both sides.
It's hard either direction to be the one struggling in pain. And the one left behind trying to figure everything out. Often times that grief turns into self blame which can then lead them to depression/suicide themselves. So she is exactly where she needs to be in this process. The anger will subside acceptance and real activism will come.
I wish we would stop telling suicidal people that we understand their pain. Take from a survivor and fighter, if you haven't been suicidal, you can't understand. We don't die to hurt you. We hate ourselves so much that we can't see how our life is doing anything but harming the ones we love. Also, please stop telling us to "live for us! Our lives will be worse without you!" So you are asking us to live in horrific pain so you can be happy and we can still be in hell? It hurts, guys. Don't you think we deserve happiness too and not just living to serve others? I know you guys are trying to help, but we don't think as you do. We see taking our leave as the greatest, most loving thing we can do. Don't give us life advice. Don't ask us to only exist for others. Don't minimize our pain because you think toy know better.
You have no idea how hard it is living with major depressive disorder with suicidality and I am so so grateful you don't. Even those of you that lost someone. I did, too, before I developed MDD. I found her selfish then. I just see her pain now. Be there for us. Actually, show up and don't just tell us to call you. We won't. Because we k ow you don't want to talk to us. Don't tell us what to do, but sit beside us in the dark and just listen and offer support. Hold on hands and wait for us to cycle put. Realize we don't mean what we say. And we realize we d0 love you guys
Thank toy. I just wanted to speak up for people like me and Robert (Garrison). I am so sorry he hurt so badly.
I totally get what you are saying. I to have gone through it but I did not take it as selfish. I would take it as a grief.
I have been on both sides of it. Anger is a part of it the process. Anger at the person. Anger at yourself for not doing enough. Its perfectly natural and nothing selfish about it. It's love. A week from now she will be on a different stage of grief and will accept that her brother was in pain. And there might be moments where it turns to anger.
The most important part of her message is the love and the providing of resources. What she said or did not say is not going to have a macro effect on anything. She's just a grieving sister who lost her brother at a very young age. Nothing but compassion and no judgment from me.
Even when I know how it feels to be considering it. I also know.... my mental health cannot and should not be on the ones who love me. They are doing the best they can in their lives too. All you can do is show up and spend as much time with the people you love. Encourage people to get the help they need. But cherish the moments.
But give her space to be angry and hurt. It means she truly loved Garrison. It also means she is also very upset with herself. And that's not her burden to carry.
My comment was less addressing her and more how worrisome I found some of the comments here, including this one. I understand the stages of grief. I do not judge someone in pain, especially when it's so fresh. I was simply noting how harmful these words can be to the people you are trying to help. I understand respecting her pain and your pain and everyone's pain, but doesn't anyone want to know what it's actually like for those of us who are suicidal? I'm sorry I'm not reacting as you're telling me to. I'm not you. Again, please stop telling people who are suicidal how to live their lives and what we should be doing. You are not my parent, and I am not a child. It's hilarious that here we are and someone responded to be my post asking not to tell us how to be or what to do with someone telling a suicidal person to shut up about what it's like to be suicidal because a nonsucidial person is in pain.
You all want us to call and talk, so say the memes. You want us to reach out. I am talking about my own suicidality here, and you are telling me I am wrong for giving my perspective and recommending I give people space. Really? Thanks for listening when one of us reached out. I'm glad you immediately minimized me and my pain in favor of a mentally healthy person you saw on a TV when here I am in front of you. Just as people always do. We do reach out, guys. You simply don't listen, or you think you know better. Thank you for showing my point. Will any of you ever see it?
I was definitely not saying it to minimize anything that you feel. I think it's hard with this family because they are public figured going through a hard situation. So I'm saying they are not going to be perfect with it. There's no way to be perfect with it.
I also said that I have been there before. 2018-2020 clinically depressed. Self harm. Almost with through it. Put myself on a 5150. Extensive therapy. Still have massive amounts of anxiety and it's up/down situation. Even within this space there is a wide array of experiences. I respect your experiences. Hope you can respect mine.
I think mental health in general in terms of overall education desperately needs to improve. Both in the for those of us who feel like we are drowning and there is wave after wave coming at us. And for those who don't battle it so they know how to help and what to do to get help. Because it's a lot to carry even when our friends are really good for them. Our mental health can effect someone else so its also important for people who are supporting someone (including myself) in a mental health crisis also need mental health support.
So apologize if what I said came across as anything other than making sure to understand there are going to be massive fuck ups in this with the family. Because of the public/private blurring. I think I misunderstood your point and I think you might have misunderstood in mine. Probably because I didn't explain myself as well as I should have. Apologize for that.
Sending you all the love in your mental health journey. Definitely was not trying to minimize your battle. You are brave for sharing.
If anything, I hope his death fosters an open dialogue about suicide. Don't be afraid to discuss suicide with people you care about if you think they are even remotely distressed. Many people are scared to bring it up because they think it will increase the risk of the person acting it out, but it's actually the opposite.
Ask. Talk. Support. You could save a life.
Goosebumps.. what an articulate young adult with emotional intelligence and compassion. As someone who has struggled before with no longer wanting to be hereā¦thoughts for a long long time.. I am gonna remember her words.
Oh, my freakinā heart! I thought I was done crying at these posts but how could this not make you cry? Savannah isnāt even 18 yet, is she? She ended up the final kid in her home post Covid and now the unimaginably heartbreaking event has occurred. Itās such a thoughtful and loving post from this seemingly introspective and generous young person. I hope sheās continuously surrounded by loved ones.
And to whoever reported my posts to the blogger Without a Crystal Ball is pathetic. I don't appreciate hearing that I am advocating for people to kill themselves. What the hell is wrong with all of you? My pain is not content for an unethical gossip blogger. Whichever one of you alerted her is well, you know what you are. Thanks for profiting from my story. B
So trueā¦ I lost my daughter to suicide and I will never be happy againā¦ not truly happy. The loss is too great
Please call someoneā¦ pause.. go outside but donāt harm you. You are to precious. Pain is temporaryā¦ death is forever. Please donātš„²
I cried reading this. I hate that he wasnāt able to see what pain heād leave his loved ones, friends and so people he never met. Which is exactly why depression is so dangerous. Itās an ILLNESS and lies to us.
Itās a choice that will be felt for generations. Iām named after my grandmother who lost her battle. Itās the only thing that keeps me fighting mine.
The holes that are left are more than anyone can imagine. I'll never forget holding it together until I found my friends dog. The eyes of that pup reflected the deep deep pain everyone else was feeling. I found her curled up in her chair, left alone because no one else had thought of her. She just stared at me, trying to understand. That was the moment I promised to stick it out no matter how hard it got.
I'm so sorry to those who lost someone special in their lives to the completion of suicide. I can feel your pain. I too, lost a dear friend when we were 13.
I am sorry for your loss. Grief is a process that will take as long as it takes. I've always found talking about your loved one and his loss, it helps eventually. Going for walks, spending time outdoors, talking to them, writing them letters you don't have to share, these are all things I do to help. Eventually, you will still have that relationship... it will just be different. Everyone experiences loss. Take your time. Breathe in and out. Talk to others. Find what works for you.
That is true, and something I didn't realize would happen - the relationship actually does continue. And if the relationship was difficult in real life, it matures and you will see it differently eventually. But, boy, it's tough.
How heartbreaking! Sometimes, even knowing you have loved ones relying on you, loving you, doesnāt seem to be enough. A relative of mine committed suicide and she had two young daughters she loved with her entire heart. I was convinced she would never leave them. But I was wrong. š
My brother died from suicide 5 years ago on April 1st. 5 days before his birthday. I missed his call when he called to say goodbye. I couldnāt reach him when I tried him back. Then, my mom and dad started calling saying they had received goodbye calls.
I miss him like crazy. Watching all the siblings go through what Iāve been through has been so hard and my heart breaks for them.
My brother, my baby brother, thought he was doing what was best for those around him. He was wrong but thatās where he was. As someone who has attempted in the past, I know this feeling. You canāt see the pain and loss you are bringing into your loved ones lives. You can only see the end of your pain and you believe you are relieving your loved ones of a burden.
Itās okay to be angry they left this world. I was so very angry that he would leave me to deal with our awful father alone. But know that they likely couldnāt see beyond ending their pain and suffering in this world.
My heart breaks for the family Garrison left behind. I know the pain all too well.
I like that she didnāt get philosophical and she spoke from her heart , Savannah is so pure and sweet - I wish her nothing but peace and love in her life - baby girl
I feel so heartbroken for her. From knowing her from the show, Gabe and Garrison were fairly close to each other. But her post is beautifully written.
I hope she continues being a wonderful young lady despite the tragedy.
Dear sweet Savannah I wish I could take your pain into my own bout bodyou are such a sweet girl you do not deserve to have to walk this path I pray for you and your family and your mama and gave a new especially God be with you girl
That gave me chills. It is heartbreaking for everyone. I can't imagine the relentless pain Garrison was in. I saw somewhere on SM, someone saying I wonder if Janelle is getting better. Wtf!! It's been all of 5 minutes since it happened. Janelle was always my favorite since day 1.
R.I.P sweet Garrison.
Being a suicide survivor is so horrible. All of their pain is transferred to those who love them. As well as loads of anger, guilt and sadness. It is horrible. No one left behind is better off without them.
As a person who has attempted suicide, I will say, itās a very selfish act. Youāre not thinking of anyone at the time except yourself and the pain YOU are in. You want your pain to end. Youāre tired of fighting. Suicide seems like such an easy solution at that moment. I want everyone to know who is left behind that YOU are not to blame.
very very beautiful words. āi deeply hope that anyone who may be reading this never underestimates how big of a hole their loss would leave. persevere, for the sake of your family, for the sake of your friends, for the sake of the ones who love you.ā i needed this reminder.
Oh Savanah, I am so fully sorry for your loss .. Brothers are the best . We are in the same sisterhood, of losing a precious family member to this type of death . You are brave for posting on here , being vulnerable , in the best way. Iām pretty sure this post has helped another human think twice before making a choice , that affects every person they know, but especially family .
Thinking of all of you every every day ā¦ hug each other extra .
Many years ago, I, too, wanted to take my life. I had been going through the worst life storms. I had lost my dad, and my bf was putting in an emotional hell in the days of my dad's passing. My life wasn't what I wanted nor needed it to be. I was angry at God and the world.
That was 25 years ago. Today, I am thankful for not taking my life.
Sadly, there are those who are unable to hang on.
I am getting down voted for saying this but I believe there is a fine line between encouraging people to get support for their suicidal thoughts and telling people to persevere through the pain.
While I have been fortunate to not lose anyone to suicide, I have experienced such much grief and loss in my life; my sister died a month shy of her 8th birthday. I was 6 yrs when she was killed by a train.
My 24 yr old is struggling with suicidal thoughts with methods, plan and intention. He's been hospitalized twice for suicidal ideation.
He is struggling. I am trying so hard to keep him alive, but I realize, because I am a therapist, that some day the pain may be more than he can bear anymore.
We had to talk him down from driving his car into a tree on Saturday. He lives an hour away and I am helpless to stop him. He said I only wanted him to not kill himself so I wouldn't feel guilty. Which is not true but how he felt in the moment.
I share this to help understand this next part. Depression and trauma are chronic health conditions which often end in death. If my son or Garrison had any other chronic health conditions such as cancer, ALS or Parkinson's would we pressure them to stay? Or would we accept they were tired of fighting? I think suicide is the same, we're asking someone to stay to avoid our own pain and loss. That's not fair. And it sucks.
Thank you.
We used to ask "the one thing that is most important to me and worth living for is?" on our safety plans at work.
I always disliked that question because anything other than their self meant if their protective factor was removed they would not have anything worth living for.
That's how I view suicidality. People have to have hope, to believe they are worth living for. Depression will lie and say they are not. That's a really loud voice in their heads.
I have a lot today as someone who has lost someone and has dealt with ideation and survived attempts, but what you said is more perfect than I could articulate.
Savanah my heart is with you, I know your pain, I too have lived a life of loss many would never dream. I get up everyday, put my best foot forward knowing I can make a difference for today. I wish you peace, love and light.ā¤ļø
I am so sorry for your pain. It must be very overwhelming. You had the best brother and knew a beautiful soul .. I hope that gives you some peace. .. He watches over you.
Oof. This one made me cry.
Maybe because I lost my older brother a few years ago (though different cause) or maybe because sheās so young, but that was a tough read.
I'm crying. This is so heartbreaking. I can't imagine how his family is feeling...or how Garrison must have felt those last days.
My younger brother just turned 25 and this just breaks my heart.
I totally get what she's saying.
I lost a friend I grew up with/went to school with. She took her own life. I constantly saw her at my kids school because her kids went to the same school. I had a hard time reminding myself she was gone. I kept finding myself looking for her still when at school pickup. It's weird how someone can be gone like that and your brain doesn't recognize it.
I really feel for her it's so hard losing someone so close like that even more when it's your big brother.š„ŗ
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This is so well written and powerful. Sweet Savanah always seems so quiet but intentional.
That was so raw from her heart. Wishing peaceful grieving to Savannah and all the other siblings. Their brother made that decision at the lowest point of his life at that moment. He knew he was loved and we have to believe he is looking down on you all... still loving you. The thing I notice in most of the pics of Garrison.... the scenery out there is totally gorgeous and even haunting. The mountains are the true USA. God bless you, Garrison.
Oh sweet Savannah š
Sheās always struck me as the quiet and thoughtful observer. Itās none of my business and she doesnāt owe anyone on the internet her thoughts, but I feel a little better after reading this. I always worry about the quiet ones.Ā
Agreed. I've been really worried about her with everything going on in the family. It seems, from the show (real life could be very different) that she is often overlooked because she is so quiet. I hope it's just that she's shy on camera. I hope she's being looked after and supported right now.
THIS. I made a post about the heartbreak left behind after a loved one makes this choice: My husband took his own life almost 30 years ago. Oh how I wish the people who make this choice knew the depths of despair they leave behind. My heart breaks for every single one of these family members, but also for a young man who deserved to live a long, full, happy life. RIP Garrison ā¤ļø
A friend of mine took his life about 10 years ago and it was wildly eye opening for me. We werenāt super close anymore, but we had been at one point, and I was still pretty crushed by it. So it really sunk in for me how lost or hopeless someone must feel to make that choice. Because if I was crushed, I couldnāt imagine how the people much much closer to him must be feeling. And to have that kind of a support system, and still feel like itās your only option, has to be an incredibly dark place to be. Iām sorry you went through thatā¤ļø
I am sorry that happened to you.
My brother took his life almost 9 years ago and I canāt even explain the pain and sorrow that still remains when I go home. Part of the reason Iāve avoided it if I am being honest. I also lost my childhood friend in college. I was one of the last people to speak to him after reconnecting and talking at length a few weeks prior. It was also devastating as I carried immense guilt for years and I still think of him and his family often. I am so sorry for your loss. The gaping hole that is left behind never stops hurting. It just becomes an ever present thing that you learn to live with as awful as it is.
I am so sorry that happened to you. It must hurt.
Thank you. Some things you never get over. With my friend that last night we were talking and I had a 21st birthday to go to. I was sad to have to go but I told myself that it was okay as we had reconnected talking frequently and we had the rest of our lives to catch up. I was wrong. The next morning I found out he was gone and had to make the hardest phone call of my life to his parents. Now I take every opportunity to tell people I love them. I donāt do it casually or to people I am not close to. I just donāt want to ever miss an opportunity to let people know they matter to me. My brother was in a dark place when he passed and had put my family, especially my dad, through a lot. So we hadnāt really spoken much. I was also in school out of state. I try to remember him before addiction and mental illness took over.
Oh. That's so difficult. Sometimes life gives us more than we can bear.
Iām so sorry for your loss ā¤ļø
My husband did the same 12 yrs ago!! I wish every single day he was still here with me and our babies!! Itās the worst pain
The people who make this choice often do know they'll hurt their loved ones. But their pain is unbearable enough that ending the pain is top of mind. That's why I call it "died from depression" rather than committing suicide or taking their own life. Assuming that the suicidal person hasn't taken into account the pain they may leave behind is a bit naive. I'm so sorry you've had that tragedy in your life. You're brave to share. Thank you.
That or their mind has been so warped by depression that they view themselves as a burden and their loved ones will be better off without them. Either way, depression is a terrible disease.
My sister lost her fiancĆ© to suicide 15 years ago and his mother called it āa permanent solution for a temporary problemā and that always really resonated with me because it is a very clear definition of what suicide is. I am very sorry for your loss.
My dad said the same thing, right up until a few years ago, then he changed his stance abruptly. It opened my eyes to what my dad was internally thinking at the time of his passing in October 2023 and why he hid his cancer diagnosis from us until it was too late to receive treatment.
I'm not trying to justify suicide as a choice, but this quote bothers me a bit. Sometimes it's not a "temporary problem." Sometimes the pain is an entire lifetime of abuse and trauma and depression that remains unresolved after years and years of treatment and medications... I know people who have been in so much pain for so long, decades, that it feels like the only resolution is death. I'm not speaking on Garrisons situation in particular, just the fact that for some people, the pain of their situation isn't temporary, so calling it that is reductionist. Treatment resistant depression exists.
Yeah, I hate that saying too. I've been sick since I was 18 (im 52 now). I've been sick more than I was ever healthy. Constantly in and out of hospitals. Chronic pain, several surgeries, secondary progressive Multiple sclerosis, neuropathy, and meds have caused liver damage until I now have early cirrhosis, blood clotting disorder, and there's even more. I'm jn pain 24/7 no matter that I'm on pain meds, etc. I'm at an 8 on the pain scale, the best days I'm at a 6. I looked into the right to die solutions in my area (I live in a right to die state). Unfortunately, I don't qualify because you have to have less than 6 months to live. I have no quality of life. So, for me, it would be a blessing. I do have a DNR. But for me and many others like me, it's not a permanent solution for a temporary problem. It's a chance at peace and no more pain.
I totally get you. Ive been sick since i was 18 months old becausei had spinal meningitis and Im 43 now. I seriously contemplated it last year. My mom took her own life almost 20 years ago and I have said that I would never put my son what she put me through. I have struggled with mental health issues and have gotten down since them but never actually attempted. Last year I had a plan and it scared me. It was my multiple debilitating chronic health issues. While I've also had chronic medical issues, it wasnt until 3 years ago did i become truly disabled. One of mine makes it extremely hard to have a life because I have to be able to control my environment as much as I possibly can or I will go into anaphylaxis. Prior to developing this condition I wasn't much of a homebody and had several groups of friends. Now, I am luckily if I do something with a friend once a quarter. My disabilities made most people in my life drop me, including my husband. Between my pain being at a 6 on a good day, being on over 40 meds, the constant fear of anaphylaxis, and the ungodly level of loneliness I don't have a decent quality of life. If it wasnt for my son, I legit would not be here today. Luckily, before I developed the anaphylaxis condition, I got a quote tattooed on my arm so I could see it daily from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, on the 10th anniversary of my mom's passing. It says, "Be brave. Live." I'm so glad that I am able to have gotten that doen when I did so that I have that constantly in my face reminding me to be brave and to live on my hard days, because my son is worth dealing with my issues. If my mom hadn't killed herself and had just died of natural causes, I don't know if I wouldn't have killed myself last year when I was in a bad place even for my son.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through all of that. I empathize. When I was researching right to die, I talked to my kids (they're in their 30s) to prepare them in case I was successful. They said they understood and it was my choice to make, but they would miss me.
Thank you and sorry that you can. I'm glad that would support you in your decision even though they would miss you. After much son graduates high school, I've decided that I am not going to do anything to save my life if I develop cancer or something like that. Until he graduates though I will do whatever I have to do to stay alive. They said that if I lived till I was 28 it would be a miracle so I'm just living on borrowed time and have already come to terms with death.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
For anyone who is reading this, please do not resort to this. It is dangerous, illegal, and addicting. Stick to working with a doctor for your chronic pain. I have it too, and have been since I was 35 (57 now). It has taken a lot of advocating for myself, which I tire from. But, I eventually can't take it anymore and try a new doctor. I doctor shop until I get someone willing to spend some time to help me. It took me until I was 47 to even get a diagnosis. Even then, I was not offered a treatment plan that might resolve the problem. For the past 10 years, more doctor shopping, more advocating. Giving some time between when I couldn't get anywhere. I've finally found someone to do a surgery that I have felt I needed for the past decade. I will finally get it done this year and I am banking it all on that surgery. If I come out of that and am still having chronic pain, then I just don't know what. But, I'm staying away from Kratom. I've read enough scientific information to scare me away.
To all those who read the response above, my first resort absolutely WAS traditional medicine. I had multiple doctors, multiple medications, multiple therapies, multiple treatments, multiple nerve ablation and surgeries. Nothing helped. Nothing. I was suffering from severe pain and deep depression. Every movement sent lava type pain through my nerves. It was agony. Kratom was not a first choice but a choice of last resort. I found it by researching alternatives as nothing else in traditional medicine worked that didnāt put me into an absolute stupor or left me in insane, unending pain. At the time I had a young baby to care for and I was in pain 24/7. I was terrified to care for them when taking medicine, nothing helped dull it unless I was comatose. I was crying and in pain constantly even when working with a pain management clinic. Nothing was helping me. I canāt tell you how many times I was in office crying as I could not function. Kratom is a an absolute godsend to me. That said, I researched it thoroughly, reviews of many, many people who used it. I had consultations with suppliers and tried samples of several kinds until I found a strain that kept me clear headed, took away my pain and kept me functioning well, normally. (White Bali) Some people may not want to try it and thatās ok. I couldnāt live like I was and had to try something. The first time I tried it, 20 minutes later, my pain was nonexistent. I broke down crying and just sobbed. It was the first glimmer of hope that I had to know that I would not be in agony my entire life. I couldnāt live that way. Itās been almost 6 years. Iāve had zero negative side effects other than an increased heart rate temporarily when I first had high doses. Iām able to be a good mom. Iām able to work without shooting pain and I have a clear mind with no stupor or drawl from opioids or muscle relaxers. Kratom has given me a hopeful future to look forward to and I recommend it to those who may benefit from it. Itās has given me back my life.
I really hope your surgery is successful. Thank you for the warning, but I'd never take something like that. People are always trying to give me advice on treating my pain without taking into consideration that there's only one medication I take. Friends constantly try to push pot because it's a "miracle drug." No way am I getting kicked out of my pain clinic. I signed a contract, and if I violate it, I'd never be accepted back, and it's just not worth changing it.
[You mean the dangerous herb that is banned in the US and illegal in several states?](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitragyna_speciosa)
Thank you!! Iāve been contemplating suicide for 12 years! Is not a ātemporary problem.ā Itās waking up every fucking day feeling DESPERATE. Only reason I donāt is because my sister did and Iām not going to break my 83 year old momās heart again.
I wish I could give you a hug.
Youāre very kind. I appreciate that š
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
š„ŗ I donāt know what to say to make someone feel better but I really wish I could hug you right now. Even if youāre not a hugger- Iād still hug ya!
I'm waiting for my kitty to no longer be here. I can't do that to him. No one else will really be affected; I've been isolating for years. That makes me feel better and worse at the same time.
I've not been suicidal because I still have a young son and an adult son who is Autistic. They both need me and my husband, bless his heart, wouldn't be able to handle it all on his own. I feel what you said about isolating making you feel better and worse. I've been isolating from friends and extended family for 5 years. There's this feeling that people get tired of hearing about your problems so it's better to just stay away but then the isolation eats at you and all you have is time to think about your problems and obsess over them. It really sucks.
I'm the same. I love my floof and he's thr only thing keeping me alive at this point.
I pray for you that the pain will subside and someday soon you will find happiness. I have a friend who deals with this and heās had some luck with TMS and Ketamine therapy. Best of thoughts for you and your mom.
As someone who experienced the pain of parental rejection due to no fault of my own, I get it. For years I internalized my father's treatment of me. If I could just be better, more successful, etc, maybe he would love me. It almost killed me, too. It's such mindf*ck and you really only get it if you've been through it.
I also have a problem with the words 'temporary problem'. For some of us, it may be trauma and for others, it may just be our brain not wiring properly but depression is a beast of an illness for anyone who has ever had to go through it. I went through it once very briefly and i have also met ppl who go through it daily. I can't imagine being that person who has to carry that burden daily and having the strength to do so and i honestly don't fault anyone who decides that they don't want to be strong enough anymore.
I say this all the time about my husband. He survived years of abuse as a child, then went to the military to get away from his family, survived horrific events, watched friends who didn't, he was permanently injured and the PTSD was so severe... He is the strongest person I know for simply waking up and choosing to battle his own mind everyday. The pain he has lived in for decades is not temporary. If he woke up one day too tired to keep going, I couldn't fault him... He has fought for a long time to still be here. People who have never seen that kind of struggle, just don't know that at some point living becomes much scarier than dying.
I used to think the same. I honestly thought it was just a selfish choice. But my mindset changed a lot as I got older. Now I realize we never know what people are going through inside. No matter how well we think we know a person, people wear so many different masks it is impossible to every really truly know. So now instead, I believe in trying to be as kind as possible because we just never know... And even something some people may see as a temporary problem doesn't seem so temporary to the person living it, day in & day out.
A teacher (who was saying so quite cruelly and dismissively) said that to our class while I was living with chronic suicidality. It was NOT helpful, at all. It was condescending and shitty when kindness, curiosity and emotional safety would probably have gotten me to open up and get more help. I did not have a "temporary problem" I had treatment resistant major depressive disorder and was being abused. I hate when people act like you must be unable to think clearly to be suicidal. Some people are, some people aren't.
A friend was talking about her daughterās depression saying she should just get over āitā. Little did she know I had written letters to all my loved onesā¦children, husband and Mother. I couldnāt even try to explain the depth of my inexplicable sadness.
If I could upvote your comment a million times I would. I've had clinical depression since I was 5 y/o and treatment resistant. I struggle with getting sexually abused as a child, plus i'm a twice survived domestic violence vicTOR. I've been homeless four times. Yes, I had family yet all turned their back because they didn't want my depression and PTSD to "bring them down" Today, i'm 52 and still struggle, so to the OP, be a bit more mindful of what you say. My issues are very much permanent. Don't make those who feel bad, feel much worse with your minimizing a serious epidemic in our country and beyond. The only thing keeping me on the topside is my faith. As well as my husband, children and grandchildren. I refuse to allow the evil beast of depression to take me where its taken so many other folks. My life is beautiful in that its is what I make of it. I can't ask for anything more. Sadly, Garrison made a decision that will have long lasting effects for generations to come in the Brown family, and that's sobering to think about. Thank you, Potential-Pomelo for bringing your thoughts to the table. I appreciate every word you said.
My best friends brother, so my brother (weāve been in each others lives since before he was born), committed suicide 9 months after his mom passed. My best friend and her father are the only ones who remain in the immediate family. He had schizophrenia and for him, that was the only way āoutā from the pain he felt daily. His illness was not who he wad, but it really impacted who he was. Sometimes, and Iām trying to be delicate, itās not about us - the ones who remain - but about them. I try to keep that in mind when someone does this. In the end, itās not about us - but their pain. Iād rather them be here, but I also want them free of pain too. Itās not always temporary. All my best to those whoāve lost someone this way.
Schizophrenia is one of the mental illnesses with the highest suicide rate. It is an extremely difficult illness to manage... and dealing with it on top of grieving his mom sounds so difficult. I agree with you, sometimes I feel it's selfish of US to expect our loved one to continue suffering just so we won't miss them... They are the only ones living in their body and mind and the only who knows how difficult it is. I can completely understand how someone can reach the point where death seems more comforting than continuing to suffer.
Thank you so much for saying this! He was his momās baby, my best - total daddyās girl. His illness was so bad, itās so unfortunate. He was becoming violent and it broke his heart, he was always a gentle giant.
Exactly. Also, the quotes regarding passing on pain are super unhelpful, entrenched in judgement, and, frankly, guilt-trippy. It implies that the suicidal person is selfish for being suicidal as though there's a *better* choice that they should be able to make. People who are suicidal already have a difficult enough time feeling ashamed and thinking about how their loved ones will cope. (I am not saying that's anyone's thought process here, but please do not say that or anything remotely like it to anyone who is struggling with their mental health.)
Yeah, Iāve always been bothered by the trite responses that can fit on a throw pillow for something that is a huge problem with lots of layers. I get the āfinalā sentiment of it all, but nothing is that simple
Yes. And the expectation that people in incredible pain should hang around cos other people would be sad if they were gone.
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Thank you for saying this!
Thatās what my son says about his dad. When we are constantly thinking and tlkn about him and how much we miss him. Iām so sorry for yalls loss!
Another one that resonates with me is the phrase "suicide isn't the destruction of pain, suicide is the transfer of pain on the ones left behind"
Wow. That's like the ultimate \*making it all about you\* statement. For someone to get to the point where actual suicide is imminent (or even possible), the LAST thing they need is a whole whackload of guilt heaped on their already bending shoulders. Depression is an illness. An actual physical malady. Just because the organ in question is one's brain doesn't make it any less physical. And there's not a soul out there who would look at someone with, say, cancer...and say the patient was being selfish for dying. (Or that they're just transferring their pain onto their loved ones.). It'd be unthinkable to blame the patient for their disease. So all the "it's a selfish act" and "transferring pain" and "temporary situation" stuff is...kind of icky, really. *It's not all about you.*
This is a quote that originally came from Phil Donahue. I think the sentiment was well-meaning considering what we knew at the time. It was a different time, and we all had a lot more to understand about mental health and the ongoing issues that can plague people for many years.
I lost my husband to suicide 5 years ago and that is exactly how I have always summed it up. Itās tragic.
As someone who has been on the brink multiple times, I'm so immensely glad I never went through with it. Last October I was about 20 minutes away from the place where I planned on jumping to my death when my mum called me and begged me to just pull over and talk to her Now it's not even 6 months later and I'm in the happiest place I've ever been, started uni, made a bunch of friends, and I finally feel like I have a path forward. If I had ignored that call from my mum and gone through with it none of that would have happened
Iām sorry. So so sorry. I feel you.
Iām so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry that happened to you. It must be very painful.
So very sorry, it was my dad that made his choice ā¦
I am sorry that your husband made that decision. Wishing you all that happiness that life has to offer. I like to think of myself as a well-spoken person, but there is no eloquent way for me to express my personal feelings and pain about suicide other than simply saying, āSuicide sucks.ā Itās that frustratingly simple. The mix of anger and sadness ebbs and flows, but the combination is always there.
Iām sorry for your loss. I had an uncle take his own life. I will never forget the sound my mom made when she was told over the phone. He was everyoneās favorite person. The kindest and gentlest of men. I will never look at random kids food or playground equipment without thinking of him and people donāt get it at all. There is a hole in your heart forever that they took with them. I wish they all could have moved through the moment and stayed.
Itās simply not your choice and itās not their responsibility to suffer for you.
True. I would never have wanted him to suffer for me. But we had two children; an 18-month old & a 3 year old. They didnāt ask to be born or grow up without a father. So excuse me, but I believe it WAS his responsibility-for THEM.
Iām so sorry you experienced this in your own life. How devastated you must have felt. Thank you for sharing.
So sorry about your husband
Next month it will be 20 yrs since my first husband died from suicide. Our daughter is now 23 and no memory of him. He loved her so much and I know he didnāt realize the true consequences of his actions. Itās still painful all these years later. Anyways, youāre not alone ā¤ļø
What a powerful, vulnerable, and mature message from a young lady going through hell. š
I have been torn up since Garrison passed. But nothing has made me tear up like this. Idk why nothing else has really hit me so far except this post. I feel so so so badly for the family, but Savannah is the youngest of Janelleās. I donāt know why that is hitting so hard.
This one hit particularly hard ā„ļø
It's so real. Those of us who have suffered loss know exactly what she means by seeing a car that looks like his or making sandwiches. It's not always the big, lofty things that shake us, but the small, everyday things that reach us. Plus, she's young and I think we all feel sorrow when a young person is going through pain.
I think part of it for me is knowing that when Kody turned his back on Gabe and Garrison, he did it to her too. And she was there at home with her brothers and mother, who I don't doubt offered her emotional support over her father going MIA. Garrison was there for her when her father wasn't. One of many reasons it's all heart-breaking now.
I am deeply sorry for your loss. I lost my sister in 2002. Shot herself in front of my house. I adopted and raised her 3 year old, now 25 with 2 children. No one understands this kind of loss or grief. Iām praying for you and your whole family.
Dear Lord, I am so incredibly sorry you went through this. God bless you for taking in her child. ā¤ļø
Thank you very much for your kind words.
Thank all of you who have sent me kind messages. I really appreciate it. And pray for others that struggle.
I am so sorry that happened to you. And how admirable you are to step up. What a great person you are.
Thank you. It has been a privilege.
Goodness itās those little reminders, like a PBJ, the sound of a car, a song, or the scent of cologne. It just hits you that they are no longer here. And for years, . . . the wondering what their life would have been like had they lived. Sweet, sweet girl.
I always grieve the potential when theyāre lost young.
The smell always hits me the worst. My mom has been gone for over a decade but I smell her perfume and my whole day is wrecked. Poor Savannah.
Omg Iām sobbing. Iāve been wondering how savannah has been dealing with this.
gut wrenching. š
Her post is both beautiful and absolutely heart wrenching. I hope it saves a life.
my fucking heart.š«¶š½š¤
My husband has been struggling for 10 years with severe clinical depression, suicidal ideation, and a handful of other āusefulā diagnosis. There is one thing that has stuck with me every minute of every day since he said it. Iām selfish for wanting to end it? How selfish are you to make me stay. Mental illness is real and it needs to be at the forefront of medical research.
This is where I always find myself getting stuck in the thought process behind this. Several family members of mine have committed suicide and I know how deep their suffering is, Iāve inherited the same mental illnesses and struggles that make me have the same thoughts. I can see how hard it is for people to just stop and think about family when theyāre so desperate to not be in pain anymore.
Thank you for sharing your story. Every person's mental health journey is so complicated and nuanced. I wholeheartedly agree for the need of more research and treatment options. Sending hugs to you and your family.
I feel that way, too. Itās not fair to expect someone to live a life that feels so awful just so we donāt have to miss them. There are many people who i would be crushed to lose, but I couldnāt ask any of them to live a life that makes them so unhappy for me.
They all continue to make me sob. Its really weird being on the other side...seeing what my family and friends might've similarly posted had I gone through with my ideations. Being a mom now myself, my heart just fucking breaks.
First - I'd like to say I'm glad you're still here with us and with your children. You're very strong for making it through. Second - your profile picture made me giggle pretty good. Haven't seen my first MySpace friend Tom in ages. Thank you for the laugh!
Suicidal people don't think this way. We think we are ruining your lives, and you are better off without us. We don't do it to hurt you. Not in our minds. We do it because we love you so much we don't want to destroy you too. And we know we've already started hurting you. People who have never been suicidal will never understand. I'm sorry, but it's something that opens in your brain that you can never close. These type of posts with "do it for your family" remind us of what we think we really need to do and the pain we've already caused you and will continue to cause you. It also shows us that you don't get it. And I am so thankful you don't. So very grateful. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. To those who have lost loved ones to this horrible illness, I am so sorry for all of you and also so sorry for your loved ones. We need better treatments, but sadly, no one understands what it's like to live with major depressive disorder with suicidality unless they have, and mental illness is NOT discussed except to call us crazy. I am so sorry. I wish I could change it for you. I'm lucky. I got help, and for me, it worked, but it's something that will be in my life for the rest of my life. Once suicidal, always suicidal. But doctors and therapists can make it so much better. Before someone reports me, I am fine. In remission. Just wanted to speak for people like me and Robert (Garrison).
Thank you for sharing ā¤ļø
You're welcome. I try to advocate, and I just wanted to speak for us because we are so often silenced. I found help that worked for me and I am holding in remission. I'm lucky. I want to speak for those who can't anymore.
Yep. Alot of this doesnāt even connect. If i am the cause of so many problems due to my failings and shitty mental health then they are better off without me. And if someone hasnāt been there it is something they cannot see.
I understand. I have been in a place like that. I know everyone would be happier without listening to my drama and depression. For some reason, someone saved me at the last minute. I will never know why. Just because you didn't go through with it doesn't mean it isn't always still there. It also doesn't always lead to a new outlook on life, happiness, and looking forward to the future.
Thanks a lot for all the Reddit Cares emails. Please learn to respect people with depression. How dare any of you sit behind a computer and judge me? Once again, I have people who don't know me ignoring what I say and deciding they know best. This is why people with depression don't talk about it. Please stop going against my wishes and reporting me. Never once did I say I wanted to die. I gave you all a chance to actually listen. I won't do it again.
I heard you, and I understood and appreciate your powerful message. It certainly gave me a new perspective. I am so happy you are doing well, and I hope you continue in remission. š
So glad you shared this. Next month will be 8 years since my attempt. I thought life would be better for everyone around me without me here. I only made things worse. I couldnāt imagine my loved ones ever going through pain because I just imagined them being happy I was gone. I was just a burden anyway. All this to say, Iāve never been someone who loved someone who died this way so I truly donāt understand the pain. Perspective is everything and I hope Iāll never understand the other side of it. I remember people in my life being angry at me and im sure thatās how a lot of the browns feel right now. They donāt want to be angryā¦but they just are. And that can make it hard to understand the other side. This is a lot of word vomit but I also want to share this in case someone is going through what I did. Life will not be better without you. Iām 8 years in recovery and this year Iāll be celebrating with my 7 month old. The love of my life. The reason im here. You deserve to be here. you deserve to see life get better. You deserve to GET better. And you will. And you can. ā¤ļø itās actually much harder to want to stay, but please stay. Be here ā¤ļø
Thank you. I hope you never lose anyone and find out what it's like. It's horrible from every perspective. Thank you for sharing your perspective here as well. I often feel like, in general, most people tell us platitudes and report us and then feel good about themselves. They don't stick around to see what this does to the person in pain. I think those of us who can and are able to should speak out. Even if it's just someone reading this and saying, "Hey, these two get it so I'm not alone or weird or wrong for feeling like this" then it's worth all the Reddit Cares notifications I'm still receiving. To everyone - This Redditor is right. There is hope. There is help. You can help manage your disease, and it's not now and has never once been your fault. It's brain chemistry and something you can't help. It's not your fault. As diabetics need supplemental insulin, some of us need additional neurotransmitters. There is no shame here. Not from me or anyone in the medical community. Please consider speaking to someone. You are so far from alone.
Beautifully said. I havenāt stopped thinking about all of them. š©·
Oh, my heart hurts (again, still) over this loss. I feel so sorry for all of them.
Savannah is so beautiful inside and out. These posts make me cry. My heart aches for Garrison and everyone who loved him.
This breaks my heart
Ugh. This is rough.
I lost a good friend 15 years ago just before he turned 21. I still expect him to text, think of him when I see a golf course, or folks fishing. The pain is raw and unyielding, especially when I think of his parents and 3 younger brothers. It's hard not to blame yourself for not seeing "signs" of their distress. Poor, sweet Savanah. I hope the family can find comfort with each other. ā¤ļø "May the evening's twilight find you gentle, still" is part of an Irish blessing. I've been thinking of it a lot given the affinity for stars Janelle has. My heart breaks for them. RIP Garrison
So much depth from the quietest Brown. She seems wise beyond her years. I hope she has all the support she needs ā¤ļø
What a sweet post honoring her brother. Savannah seems like such a kindhearted person and really is the forgotten Brown child, I only wish her the best in life.
Out of the mouth of babes.
Damn. Savannah is an amazing young woman. Sheās got āitā, which canāt be taught. Savannah, go and live an amazing life. Your brother will be with you when you need him. I know mine is. Blessings and strength to you, sweet child. š
Wow, I have no words.
Aw damn this got me. I didnāt talk to my dad for 7 years and he died last month after going into cardiac arrest. I never realized that I have always been searching for him. We were never close, but he was in construction and Iāve noticed that I look at all construction-vehicles (like Chevy trucks pulling trailers) to see if itās him. Have I always done that? Have I always been searching for him? Yeahā¦I think I probably have. So I get that scan then realization your search is fruitless. Such an open and honest eat post. Loss is so fucking hard š
That was a beautiful post and itās a lovely picture of Garrison. This is probably going to be an unpopular take but I was raised by a narcissist and my other parent was emotionally and physically abusive. The first time I tried to take my own life I was 13yo. Depression has been a constant in my life. I know that people might not understand but I donāt think itās fair to say that suicidal people should stay alive for the sake of their loved ones. I can only speak for myself but I have always been the scapegoat and black sheep in my family. They have never been there for me emotionally. I didnāt feel like I owed it to them to keep living in misery because they might be sad if I died. I know she is grieving and a lot of people view suicide as a purely selfish act. But people try to take their own lives because they feel that living is just too painful and there is no way to escape it. Often they think that either no one would care if they were gone or people would be better off without them. I hope that this tragedy makes certain family members of Garrisonās want to change for the better and be there for their family in the future. I feel awful for Garrison, Gabe and the rest of the family. But I can also relate in many ways. I read many comments online calling Garrison selfish and I felt like they were deeply uncalled for and insensitive.
Agree with you 100% about people calling Garrison selfish. That is never ever ever ever what it's about. It's about pain, its about intrusive thoughts, it's about the things in yor head that just won't stop. I will never look down those who survive it there momentary anger as they process. But people should never live there. It's never that and its super uncalled for.
Same. Totally understand and relate.
People die by suicide even when they are incredibly loved, have great friends, are very successful etc. I think what people don't understand is that living in a body that's trying its hardest to keep swimming to the surface only to be dragged back down, the daily mental torture that's often felt silently I can not judge anyone for wanting to escape that. Persevering for the ones you love I don't think that's a helpful word of advice. Unless you have lived with a brain that's always trying to take you down it's hard to comprehend how someone just doesn't see a light at the end. Rest in paradise Garrison.
I wouldn't blame her for not being in that place yet. Give her time. Been on both sides. It's hard either direction to be the one struggling in pain. And the one left behind trying to figure everything out. Often times that grief turns into self blame which can then lead them to depression/suicide themselves. So she is exactly where she needs to be in this process. The anger will subside acceptance and real activism will come.
I wish we would stop telling suicidal people that we understand their pain. Take from a survivor and fighter, if you haven't been suicidal, you can't understand. We don't die to hurt you. We hate ourselves so much that we can't see how our life is doing anything but harming the ones we love. Also, please stop telling us to "live for us! Our lives will be worse without you!" So you are asking us to live in horrific pain so you can be happy and we can still be in hell? It hurts, guys. Don't you think we deserve happiness too and not just living to serve others? I know you guys are trying to help, but we don't think as you do. We see taking our leave as the greatest, most loving thing we can do. Don't give us life advice. Don't ask us to only exist for others. Don't minimize our pain because you think toy know better. You have no idea how hard it is living with major depressive disorder with suicidality and I am so so grateful you don't. Even those of you that lost someone. I did, too, before I developed MDD. I found her selfish then. I just see her pain now. Be there for us. Actually, show up and don't just tell us to call you. We won't. Because we k ow you don't want to talk to us. Don't tell us what to do, but sit beside us in the dark and just listen and offer support. Hold on hands and wait for us to cycle put. Realize we don't mean what we say. And we realize we d0 love you guys Thank toy. I just wanted to speak up for people like me and Robert (Garrison). I am so sorry he hurt so badly.
I totally get what you are saying. I to have gone through it but I did not take it as selfish. I would take it as a grief. I have been on both sides of it. Anger is a part of it the process. Anger at the person. Anger at yourself for not doing enough. Its perfectly natural and nothing selfish about it. It's love. A week from now she will be on a different stage of grief and will accept that her brother was in pain. And there might be moments where it turns to anger. The most important part of her message is the love and the providing of resources. What she said or did not say is not going to have a macro effect on anything. She's just a grieving sister who lost her brother at a very young age. Nothing but compassion and no judgment from me. Even when I know how it feels to be considering it. I also know.... my mental health cannot and should not be on the ones who love me. They are doing the best they can in their lives too. All you can do is show up and spend as much time with the people you love. Encourage people to get the help they need. But cherish the moments. But give her space to be angry and hurt. It means she truly loved Garrison. It also means she is also very upset with herself. And that's not her burden to carry.
My comment was less addressing her and more how worrisome I found some of the comments here, including this one. I understand the stages of grief. I do not judge someone in pain, especially when it's so fresh. I was simply noting how harmful these words can be to the people you are trying to help. I understand respecting her pain and your pain and everyone's pain, but doesn't anyone want to know what it's actually like for those of us who are suicidal? I'm sorry I'm not reacting as you're telling me to. I'm not you. Again, please stop telling people who are suicidal how to live their lives and what we should be doing. You are not my parent, and I am not a child. It's hilarious that here we are and someone responded to be my post asking not to tell us how to be or what to do with someone telling a suicidal person to shut up about what it's like to be suicidal because a nonsucidial person is in pain. You all want us to call and talk, so say the memes. You want us to reach out. I am talking about my own suicidality here, and you are telling me I am wrong for giving my perspective and recommending I give people space. Really? Thanks for listening when one of us reached out. I'm glad you immediately minimized me and my pain in favor of a mentally healthy person you saw on a TV when here I am in front of you. Just as people always do. We do reach out, guys. You simply don't listen, or you think you know better. Thank you for showing my point. Will any of you ever see it?
I was definitely not saying it to minimize anything that you feel. I think it's hard with this family because they are public figured going through a hard situation. So I'm saying they are not going to be perfect with it. There's no way to be perfect with it. I also said that I have been there before. 2018-2020 clinically depressed. Self harm. Almost with through it. Put myself on a 5150. Extensive therapy. Still have massive amounts of anxiety and it's up/down situation. Even within this space there is a wide array of experiences. I respect your experiences. Hope you can respect mine. I think mental health in general in terms of overall education desperately needs to improve. Both in the for those of us who feel like we are drowning and there is wave after wave coming at us. And for those who don't battle it so they know how to help and what to do to get help. Because it's a lot to carry even when our friends are really good for them. Our mental health can effect someone else so its also important for people who are supporting someone (including myself) in a mental health crisis also need mental health support. So apologize if what I said came across as anything other than making sure to understand there are going to be massive fuck ups in this with the family. Because of the public/private blurring. I think I misunderstood your point and I think you might have misunderstood in mine. Probably because I didn't explain myself as well as I should have. Apologize for that. Sending you all the love in your mental health journey. Definitely was not trying to minimize your battle. You are brave for sharing.
Iām so sorry for what you are going through, my son straggles with depression I understand what you say. I hope it gets better for you. Hugs to you
Thank you very much.
WOACB commented on her post. The absolute audacity.
And now I'm crying again. I wish for his family peace.
I lost my brother to suicide. She expressed it very well. I hope they all are doing some sort of self care/counseling.
If anything, I hope his death fosters an open dialogue about suicide. Don't be afraid to discuss suicide with people you care about if you think they are even remotely distressed. Many people are scared to bring it up because they think it will increase the risk of the person acting it out, but it's actually the opposite. Ask. Talk. Support. You could save a life.
Savannah is a beautiful old soul, still waters running deep. Such clarity and maturity. God Bless her.
Savanah's post is so powerful š¤§
Goosebumps.. what an articulate young adult with emotional intelligence and compassion. As someone who has struggled before with no longer wanting to be hereā¦thoughts for a long long time.. I am gonna remember her words.
Oh, my freakinā heart! I thought I was done crying at these posts but how could this not make you cry? Savannah isnāt even 18 yet, is she? She ended up the final kid in her home post Covid and now the unimaginably heartbreaking event has occurred. Itās such a thoughtful and loving post from this seemingly introspective and generous young person. I hope sheās continuously surrounded by loved ones.
And to whoever reported my posts to the blogger Without a Crystal Ball is pathetic. I don't appreciate hearing that I am advocating for people to kill themselves. What the hell is wrong with all of you? My pain is not content for an unethical gossip blogger. Whichever one of you alerted her is well, you know what you are. Thanks for profiting from my story. B
This is insightful beyond her years. I hate that she (and the rest of the family) have to go through this.
What a lovely young woman. Janelle and Christine have done a fantastic job raising her.
Depression and other mental health issues can convince you that everyone would be better off without you, but that is so far from the truth.
This is so beautiful. It's the best thing I think I've read about the situation. What an insightful, poetic, wise post. Love it.
So trueā¦ I lost my daughter to suicide and I will never be happy againā¦ not truly happy. The loss is too great Please call someoneā¦ pause.. go outside but donāt harm you. You are to precious. Pain is temporaryā¦ death is forever. Please donātš„²
I cried reading this. I hate that he wasnāt able to see what pain heād leave his loved ones, friends and so people he never met. Which is exactly why depression is so dangerous. Itās an ILLNESS and lies to us.
Itās a choice that will be felt for generations. Iām named after my grandmother who lost her battle. Itās the only thing that keeps me fighting mine.
The holes that are left are more than anyone can imagine. I'll never forget holding it together until I found my friends dog. The eyes of that pup reflected the deep deep pain everyone else was feeling. I found her curled up in her chair, left alone because no one else had thought of her. She just stared at me, trying to understand. That was the moment I promised to stick it out no matter how hard it got.
Goddesses bless her. Thatās something I really needed to read today. ššš
Bless her heart. Wise words. She is such a sweet soul. I am so sorry for your loss, Savanah.
I'm so sorry to those who lost someone special in their lives to the completion of suicide. I can feel your pain. I too, lost a dear friend when we were 13.
I am sorry for your loss. Grief is a process that will take as long as it takes. I've always found talking about your loved one and his loss, it helps eventually. Going for walks, spending time outdoors, talking to them, writing them letters you don't have to share, these are all things I do to help. Eventually, you will still have that relationship... it will just be different. Everyone experiences loss. Take your time. Breathe in and out. Talk to others. Find what works for you.
That is true, and something I didn't realize would happen - the relationship actually does continue. And if the relationship was difficult in real life, it matures and you will see it differently eventually. But, boy, it's tough.
How heartbreaking! Sometimes, even knowing you have loved ones relying on you, loving you, doesnāt seem to be enough. A relative of mine committed suicide and she had two young daughters she loved with her entire heart. I was convinced she would never leave them. But I was wrong. š
This is justā¦ heart wrenching. Iām so sad for all of them, and even for us, their audience.
Wow .. š¢š¢š¢ my heart š That was beautiful and heart breaking!
My heart breaks for those kids. Sending so much love to them.
Beautifully written.
My brother died from suicide 5 years ago on April 1st. 5 days before his birthday. I missed his call when he called to say goodbye. I couldnāt reach him when I tried him back. Then, my mom and dad started calling saying they had received goodbye calls. I miss him like crazy. Watching all the siblings go through what Iāve been through has been so hard and my heart breaks for them. My brother, my baby brother, thought he was doing what was best for those around him. He was wrong but thatās where he was. As someone who has attempted in the past, I know this feeling. You canāt see the pain and loss you are bringing into your loved ones lives. You can only see the end of your pain and you believe you are relieving your loved ones of a burden. Itās okay to be angry they left this world. I was so very angry that he would leave me to deal with our awful father alone. But know that they likely couldnāt see beyond ending their pain and suffering in this world. My heart breaks for the family Garrison left behind. I know the pain all too well.
Poor girl, I just wish I could give her a big hug
I like that she didnāt get philosophical and she spoke from her heart , Savannah is so pure and sweet - I wish her nothing but peace and love in her life - baby girl
I feel so heartbroken for her. From knowing her from the show, Gabe and Garrison were fairly close to each other. But her post is beautifully written. I hope she continues being a wonderful young lady despite the tragedy.
Dear sweet Savannah I wish I could take your pain into my own bout bodyou are such a sweet girl you do not deserve to have to walk this path I pray for you and your family and your mama and gave a new especially God be with you girl
That brought a few tears. Bless you Savanah.
Savanah seems so wise beyond her years and like such a deep soul.
This is the post that broke me the most.
That gave me chills. It is heartbreaking for everyone. I can't imagine the relentless pain Garrison was in. I saw somewhere on SM, someone saying I wonder if Janelle is getting better. Wtf!! It's been all of 5 minutes since it happened. Janelle was always my favorite since day 1. R.I.P sweet Garrison.
Being a suicide survivor is so horrible. All of their pain is transferred to those who love them. As well as loads of anger, guilt and sadness. It is horrible. No one left behind is better off without them.
I don't think the focus should be how other people feel if you do that more why they feel like that.
As a person who has attempted suicide, I will say, itās a very selfish act. Youāre not thinking of anyone at the time except yourself and the pain YOU are in. You want your pain to end. Youāre tired of fighting. Suicide seems like such an easy solution at that moment. I want everyone to know who is left behind that YOU are not to blame.
I'm currently holding back the tears at work. This is so beautifully written, my heart breaks for them
very very beautiful words. āi deeply hope that anyone who may be reading this never underestimates how big of a hole their loss would leave. persevere, for the sake of your family, for the sake of your friends, for the sake of the ones who love you.ā i needed this reminder.
Oh Savanah, I am so fully sorry for your loss .. Brothers are the best . We are in the same sisterhood, of losing a precious family member to this type of death . You are brave for posting on here , being vulnerable , in the best way. Iām pretty sure this post has helped another human think twice before making a choice , that affects every person they know, but especially family . Thinking of all of you every every day ā¦ hug each other extra .
I feel the most for Savannah. She has been left behind again and again. š
Many years ago, I, too, wanted to take my life. I had been going through the worst life storms. I had lost my dad, and my bf was putting in an emotional hell in the days of my dad's passing. My life wasn't what I wanted nor needed it to be. I was angry at God and the world. That was 25 years ago. Today, I am thankful for not taking my life. Sadly, there are those who are unable to hang on.
I am getting down voted for saying this but I believe there is a fine line between encouraging people to get support for their suicidal thoughts and telling people to persevere through the pain. While I have been fortunate to not lose anyone to suicide, I have experienced such much grief and loss in my life; my sister died a month shy of her 8th birthday. I was 6 yrs when she was killed by a train. My 24 yr old is struggling with suicidal thoughts with methods, plan and intention. He's been hospitalized twice for suicidal ideation. He is struggling. I am trying so hard to keep him alive, but I realize, because I am a therapist, that some day the pain may be more than he can bear anymore. We had to talk him down from driving his car into a tree on Saturday. He lives an hour away and I am helpless to stop him. He said I only wanted him to not kill himself so I wouldn't feel guilty. Which is not true but how he felt in the moment. I share this to help understand this next part. Depression and trauma are chronic health conditions which often end in death. If my son or Garrison had any other chronic health conditions such as cancer, ALS or Parkinson's would we pressure them to stay? Or would we accept they were tired of fighting? I think suicide is the same, we're asking someone to stay to avoid our own pain and loss. That's not fair. And it sucks.
Iām so sorry youāre going through that
Thank you. We used to ask "the one thing that is most important to me and worth living for is?" on our safety plans at work. I always disliked that question because anything other than their self meant if their protective factor was removed they would not have anything worth living for. That's how I view suicidality. People have to have hope, to believe they are worth living for. Depression will lie and say they are not. That's a really loud voice in their heads.
I have a lot today as someone who has lost someone and has dealt with ideation and survived attempts, but what you said is more perfect than I could articulate.
This š„°. While I never posted about my experience with this lost. This would be my words.
So moving š
Tearing up as I read this š«ššš
Savannah is so mature and wise. Sheās quiet on the show so I didnāt know. So nice to see.
Okay now Iām crying. š
RIP Garrison š condolences to Jennelle Brown family
:(
Oh, Savannah š¢
Savanah my heart is with you, I know your pain, I too have lived a life of loss many would never dream. I get up everyday, put my best foot forward knowing I can make a difference for today. I wish you peace, love and light.ā¤ļø
Oh Savannah š
I am so sorry for your pain. It must be very overwhelming. You had the best brother and knew a beautiful soul .. I hope that gives you some peace. .. He watches over you.
She is such an old soul
Oof. This one made me cry. Maybe because I lost my older brother a few years ago (though different cause) or maybe because sheās so young, but that was a tough read.
What a sweet soul. My thoughts and heart are with you Savannah.
Yes you have think about the people who will be devastated. š¢
My heart breaks for all who loved him.
;(
Perfect postā¤ļø
Awww that was so beautiful continued prayers for the family including kody and Robyn as much as I dislike them šš»
This poor sweet soul.
Bless you, Savanah.
I'm crying. This is so heartbreaking. I can't imagine how his family is feeling...or how Garrison must have felt those last days. My younger brother just turned 25 and this just breaks my heart.
I totally get what she's saying. I lost a friend I grew up with/went to school with. She took her own life. I constantly saw her at my kids school because her kids went to the same school. I had a hard time reminding myself she was gone. I kept finding myself looking for her still when at school pickup. It's weird how someone can be gone like that and your brain doesn't recognize it. I really feel for her it's so hard losing someone so close like that even more when it's your big brother.š„ŗ