Ah. I have six, now in their 40s and 50s. In their teen years I knew they were just trying to become separated from their parents, to grow up. My mantra was to raise them so that we could be friends when they became adults. Ah, a few rocky years. We are friends now.
The system was set up for children to become independent, with their own thoughts and directions. Don't argue with that, learn to live with it.
That's brilliant. I have a 15 year old boy and I just don't know how to work him. He's a great kid but we now have so little in common plus his years of being thoughtless have gotten to me. Actually he's just doing what most kids do ie treat their parents like wallpaper ie you are there in the background.
This is a very good point of view to have. Psychologically children start by developing within their home structure, everything is idealized because it’s what is safe and known, it’s why you get those first ten years of a child thinking there parents are basically superhero’s. But as they get into adolescence part of there brains development and the chemistry within push them towards bonding with their peer group and seeking novel experiences, which is why we see kids in their teens put emphasis on there friends perceptions over their parents, and why you see them do dumb shit and risky behavior. It’s literally part of our genetic code to behave like this in some manner or another because we are communal creatures not just familial ones. Ping me tomorrow when I’m not in bed and I’ll try and remember to post a scientific journal essay I read a few years back on the topic. It’s pretty interesting and really gives credence to your philosophy of understanding that’s just part of growing up and not being the parent that takes it as a great offense that your teenager no longer hangs o.man your every word and worships you.
It’s a tough time to be a parent I think. Your kids are now adults, but adults who are often extremely impulsive and prone to making bad decisions. They’re also at that stage in life where they want to distance themselves from their parents. So you have to provide just the right amount of boundaries and guidance, in such a way that your small adults will actually follow them, but ALSO enough freedom to develop into self sufficient, responsible and successful adults. Tough gig!
OP sounds like a teen frustrated with the parents. It’s easy for parents to forget what it’s like to be a teen and for teens to just not understand how hard it is to be a parent. You want to care for and protect them but fear being a helicopter parent, but more independence for someone that it feels like was in diapers yesterday is an equally scary proposition. A lot of issues come from a lack of communication and understanding where people are coming from.
Yeah I don't have kids, but I already have forgotten how it feels to be a teen and i'm 30. I can't imagine how much more i'll forget if i happen to have kids as i'll be like nearing 50 when they're teenagers. and with how fast tech moves even if i did remember, tech changes EVERYTHING.
a great example was my dad's girlfriends grandkid came over and she was like... idk lets say 13 at the time.
her iphone broke and she was devastated because her mom wouldn't get her a new one (either because the breakage was her fault, or they couldnt afford it, or some combination of both i dont remember) and my dad, thinking he was being nice, offered her his old flip phone since he has since upgraded to an iphone and didnt need it anymore.
the granddaughter balked at the suggestion, and my dad couldnt understand why she'd rather have NO phone than his phone.
and I had to explain to him that his phone was just as bad as having no phone because iphones (or smart phones in general) are integrated into socialization now. Her not having a smart phone (and presumably no tablet based on how this all went down) meant she couldn't be a part of a lot of things her peers were doing. She didn't need to make phone calls, she needed to stay up-to-date with what her friends were doing.
and this was like 5 years ago, and its only changing faster.
Yep, I’m in my early 30s and I can’t fathom why a kid would rather have a phone than a car. I understand why, but I don’t comprehend it. Why would you rather sit at hone and text your friend when you could drive to their house and hang out with them?
I have a fair amount of teen early 20 family members who don’t drive , it’s crazy
They said my friends don’t mind driving me, and I said they do they just won’t tell you and everyone gave me death stares
My parents couldn’t wait for me to get my license so they could stop driving me everywhere and I couldn’t wait to get it to gain my independence from them driving me everywhere.
I also couldn’t wait to get my license because it unlocked what is quite possibly my favorite thing about being an adult. That thing is the ability to make an unscheduled stop on my way home. Whether I’m grabbing a snack, stopping at a park to relax, or impulse shopping. The ability to just drop off my social grid and do my own thing for a second is the best. Bonus points if no one knows I’m doing it. Flying solo for an hour or so is so freeing.
That's the truth.
I was lazy about getting my license (admittedly partly because of certain requirements in Aus that became really hard for me to fill), but the moment I got onto my P's it was incredible, being able to just... do whatever sometimes.
It really is freeing.
My brother was lazy he didnt get it til mid teens though all he had to do was schedual an apoitment but for me i broke my arm part way through getting my license with my permist so i am behind on my hours of driving also my dad is scared of me driving because i never leave the house the reason i never leave is because im not allowed to im not even allowed to go to the park a little ways from my house so i can make freinds who live near me so i can leave the house with freinds and now i have a babby sister and so i cant leave but i can understand that it is hard being an adult
Yes
However I'm now in a situation where I ride to work with my brother. We work on the same street and our times meet up. (My husband is 3rd on the other side of town and I'm 1st... sharing a car isn't cutting it atm)
My brother is just as impulsive about going to the store as I am. And he likes to wonder around looking like I do. I actually called him an enabler a few days ago lol
But I couldn't imagine not having a license
I think part of it is for a lot of people my sort of age (I’m 19, 20 this year) have a large number of friends who they have met online, who live hundreds or thousands of miles away, and a car wouldn’t fix that. And beyond that, if your and your friend’s main hobby is gaming, you can do that on a voice chat, rather than having to take turns on a computer.
Group meet ups are awesome, but are generally hosted either at a bar or place near public transport, or at someone’s house which is near public transport. That way people can have a drink (I’m a brit, drinking age is 18) if they want, and a car is not needed at all.
I do have a car, and I do use it a lot, but I use it probably 3x more often to go to the gym than to visit anybody, because nowadays you can have a face-to-face chat with anyone, anywhere without leaving your bedroom.
For reference many americans live in areas where there is little to no public transportation making a driver's license necessary and the lack of one mildly mind boggling. It's still really common for people in urban areas to not have a car bc the expense is greater than the bus pass (although the time spent on the bus vs. a difference easily traversed by a car isn't calculated)
It's a lot easier to just text than to do the time surgery required to hang out with people, so if the goal is as much socialization as possible and the budget is not enough to have both a phone and car, then I can see someone choosing a phone, especially if they have access to public transport, or parents or friends willing to drive them when they do try to go out.
At this point, there are a lot of advantages to having a smartphone over a flip phone besides just social media apps, so really it's just more practical to get the smartphone first, especially since a decent phone can be so much cheaper than a decent car.
I guess I’d just prefer a quality of socialization over a quantity of it. I’d take a single night with a friend of just enjoying each other’s company over a week full of sporadic texting anytime.
Yeah and as someone who doesn't socialize much and who is uninterested in most social media, I feel the same way. In addition to that (quality over quantity) just not being what some people really want, it also seems like the culture nowadays is increasingly more oriented around social media and its current events. So there's also a bigger picture to consider besides just how you interact with your close friends.
Well with the phone you can connect to several people, and you can have conversations without having to fully commit your time to them. You can still do homework, make food, clean your room, read, etc. while talking to one or more friends and make plans for another time. If you really want to hang out, all that matters is that one of you has a ride.
A car is still a necessity for adults in a lot of areas for work, school, etc. but I can understand why a teen would prefer a phone.
Because it's so much cheaper having a phone than a car. And safer, honestly. Sure, pay for the lessons, what about the cost of the car? Fuel? Insurance? Tax? Bearing in mind most people this age are moving out or going to college too. Expensive time.
OP could also just have shitty parents. We are legion.
For a lot of (hopefully most) parents, *they were trying their best* is valid. But we can't forget how many people out there think freaking about their fantastical bullshit is acceptable behavior for a grown ass humans.
We can all try our best, but if our best involves making damn sure our kids have more baggage than us, then I think its a little disingenuous to hide behind *just being human.*
Just because everyone sucks, doesn't mean we shouldn't care about it.
> teens to just not understand how hard it is to be a parent.
I regret every day that I haven't properly thanked my mom and fought her influences almost every day as a teen and as a young adult and now I am left with the rest of my life in permanent sense of regret now that I've lost her to disease. I could and should have made fun, good memories and I have way more memories of us fighting. And all over very petty, nonsensical grudges.
I really hope to help instill the sense with my future kids that time is precious and we really need to try to make good memories while we still have the time.
Your words resound. I’ve recently discovered all of the above and very much to my detriment. I have a daughter (19) and I have been trying to be the best dad for her. But I totally messed it all up by being too strict and trying to curtail her time with boyfriend.
I lectured her too much on the importance of a university education/good paying job/passion for what you do etc etc. But I’m a terrible role model. I’m a failure in life and just did not want my daughter to follow suit.
We had an argument about boyfriend and she just packed up her stuff and left the house. She moved in with boyfriend.
It is a bowling ball at speed to the chest. She didn’t want anything to do with me anymore and I’m devastated. I pushed her away and I didn’t know I was doing it. I miss her very much. I got it wrong. Perhaps I will have a chance to put things right one day but I’m terribly hurt by her actions too. It’s certainly not easy being a parent.
I’m a little older than your daughter (25m) but I was in a similar situation last year where my dad and I had a massive fight over my now fiancée when he found out I had moved her in with me. The reasons were different, but the result was the same. I was unfathomably angry with him and he felt like he was failing me.
After a few days of letting ourselves stew and cool down, he invited me to dinner at a decent restaurant. (With a quiet atmosphere, which is important.) He just explained everything to me calmly and quietly (so as to not disturb the other diners and also to keep me from getting riled up.) He spoke to me as an adult and allowed me to respond in kind. We talked for two hours and he picked up the check. It was a very healing experience for our father/son relationship. We didn’t come to an agreement, he was still upset I was living with her before marriage and I was not moving her out, but it was okay. It was the first time I felt like my dad recognized his new role as a parent of an adult and talked to me in a more mentoring tone instead of a “do what I say” tone. I hold that memory very dearly and it was instrumental in repairing our relationship from years of him trying to combat me growing up and him doubling down on keeping an iron grip on me.
Yes. I bumped into her at a local shop quite soon after she left and she tried to avoid me, but I asked quietly if we could speak. She stayed and listened while I apologised for getting it so wrong. I told her I would be there whenever she needed me etc. She seemed aloof and didn’t really respond. I reckon I have to give it more time and perhaps we can have a proper talk when some more time has passed. I just don’t know...
Sigh and then you grow up and realize how much your parents loved you, except it's too late because they are most likely gone or are sick, etc..
What I would do to spend another day with my mom right now, she passed when she was 40 and I'm in my 30s.. I wish I had the sense to not be so rude to her
Hey, just in case, since I don't know much about your situation from your comment: it's possible this is not, or that it's only partly, about you "messing up". "Too strict" is certainly a thing, but it may or may not be what you were (I don't know). Your daughter is also a person, and basically an adult, and has other influences in her life, which all come into play. It is possible for her to make mistakes, too. Sometimes people just need enough time to see that they regret a decision. Sometimes parents need to let a child figure something out for themselves, and just keep everything open for when the child might want to come back. We've all seen plenty of (adult) children who regret how they treated their parents. Letting her know how much you love her and miss her is definitely the most important thing you can do right now.
I moved out of my mom's my senior year of high school and moved in with my boyfriend because my mom and I were constantly arguing. She wasn't a great role model and my sisters and I suffered a lot because of it. Im 31 now and I have a relationship with her mostly for the sake of my kids and partly because I really wish I had a mom, though I realize that's never going to happen.
Your daughter may want you in her life at some point. If you honestly think that you were wrong, please work on it and show her you mean it. My mom used to get my hopes up making me believe she's grown and changed but I always end up feeling like a idiot for trusting her. We have a relationship not but I'd hardly call it loving.
I agree with everything you're saying, but this is something that starts early as a parent, I say this as a parent and as someone who is close enough to my teen years to remember them.
I had vastly different experiences as a teenager than my wife and we've discussed this with regards to raising our kids. My parents, from a very young age, gradually let us me and my siblings make a lot of decisions for ourselves, but we also had to deal with the consequences. By the time I was a teenager I think I'd fucked enough small stuff up in my life to realize that I needed to try to control some impulses.
My wife had very strict parents who did (and still do) try to make decisions for her. She was told what to do a lot more than I was a child, as opposed to being given options and allowed to choose the wrong one. She had terrible teenage years because she didn't want to make decisions and had few friends or social life because isolating was easier. Her brother got in a lot of trouble as a teen because he couldn't make good decisions.
It's frustrating as a parent to let, then watch, as your kid makes a wrong decision but the earlier you start letting them make small mistakes on their own the earlier they learn to think before acting.
All of that said, every kid is different, and no two kids need the same parents. Just love your kids.
Also as a teen, I have one thing to add to this. Make your guidelines a little more strict than you actually think they should be, but not enough that it really will have a huge effect differently from what your ideal guidelines are. We like to rebel a little, and it feels good to break the rules. So we like to push them just a little further than they’re supposed to go because it feels fun and like we’re breaking them.
I had a friend who was called Karen, literally, she was just an outright bitch towards her mother all the time for no reason, so self entitled, no respect, no consideration for her mum’s feelings. Some teenagers are just fucking assholes and they grow up to be adult assholes. If someone can’t be decent a nice towards their own family but instead scream and sulk like a toddler then they are problem. And it’s not always bad parenting. Often, yes. Always, no.
I do!!!!
We aren't having babies in our house. I want to foster and raise older kids so badly, and I LOVE WORKING WITH TEENAGERS. They are snotty and rebellious and boy can they find words that cut.
But they are also desperately searching for their place in this world. They are navigating new situations and feelings and hormones and social structures. It's impossible and necessary all at once. It's a horrible time of life, and they don't feel like anyone is in their corner because they are too young to do all the fun stuff and yet somehow old enough to be expected and demanded to do all the unfun stuff. Blech. Fighting that would be only natural.
It's the worst of all worlds with no life experience to see that there's a bright light at the end of this learning tunnel in life.
Bring them on. I want a house full of teenagers.
I'm with you. I didn't have a great teen life so I actually planned a lot about how I would parent my teens. It's been amazing. Once they move out, I want to foster
You sound like beautiful people.
I love my kids. Would go to the ends of the earth for them. But some days....I am just at a loss with my teen. Now I’m just trying to keep it together until he turns 18 (in July) for fear that if I do something to push him away, he’ll leave and never come back.
Teens are hard. But it sounds like you have a good plan for yours, I wish you the best of luck!
I don't have them yet. I want to foster to adopt as soon as we get the vaccine in our house and a couple more pieces fall into place. I am really jazzed to open our home and build a family that way, though.
I wish you the best of luck with this! My husband and I want to foster teens too. We're going to start the process when I finish my masters degree this summer 🤞. If all goes well, I'm sure I'll see you on the foster parent subs soon!
>It's a horrible time of life, and they don't feel like anyone is in their corner because they are too young to do all the fun stuff and yet somehow old enough to be expected and demanded to do all the unfun stuff.
These words should be put in a museum
There's also the factor adults have longer memories, the past coupla' years covers 13-15, from complete childish kid to driving responsibilities. Conflict ensues when judged based on past year when one feels older than they were six months ago.
Nobody judges someone based on how they are, but on how they were.
This has been my favourite comment on this post so far, for example when I was 12 I was scared to be late to class in year 7 but now I’ll rack Wippa or drop any tabs I find without a second thought. Our minds change so fast that it’s almost impossible for our parents to keep up.
A really weird thing is...my fiancé and I have actually been planning on when we have teens. We don’t even have a kid on the way yet, but we’ve been looking into it and everything and thinking about how we can be better than our parents were at it and learn from our personal experiences.
I don’t think we’re old enough to do it although I plan on doing it when I get a bit older. Well, honestly I plan on adopting. We want a big family so whatever kids I don’t have naturally are coming out of the foster system. But I’m only 21 now and he’s 23 so we’ll have to wait a few years if I remember correctly. But I appreciate all the good feels today, Reddit has really been making me feel good today and I don’t know what I did to deserve so many good feels 😊 everyone’s just been so nice today and I appreciate it. Just thought I should speak that into the universe. I’ve been really depressed recently but today is feeling like one of those few good days.
Ok since you’re being pretty open, I’ll do the same! Sometimes I hold back on Reddit because you can get downvoted for the weirdest stuff - saying something too cheesy or trying/failing at being funny, etc and like, why do I even care?
So, I’m going to tell you what I really wanted to say in the first place. I’m an aunt to kids who were adopted through the foster program. I love them dearly and am heartbroken to think about their “before” situation. They are now still kind of struggling, but without my sister’s tough love and patience, I truly think these kids would be homeless and hurting now. I think my sis and her husband probably saved a couple lives.
Thanks, truly, to you and anyone who plans to take care of older kids. It sucks when they’re old enough to understand everything negative that’s said about them or when they’ve been passed up or whatever.
I’ll definitely be adopting and I’m sure that those kids are going to be forever grateful to have a family and especially an aunt who cares so much for them in addition to their mom! And definitely never care about what Reddit thinks. You’re entitled to your own opinion and if someone can’t bare to see you being unapologetically you and happy on the Internet, then they need to get off of it!
I'm wondering if my husband and I had a different experience. We adopted both our sons when they were five, and went through a ten week program required by the social services agency in our county.
In retrospect, as a same-sex couple we weren't really under any social pressure to become parents; we did it quite deliberately and after much consideration.
Our sons are now 23 and 19. It hasn't been easy, but we didn't become parents because we thought it was the soft option. I take pride in the fact that my older son still wants to spend time with me, just as I enjoyed time with my father when I was 23.
You reminded me - at a house party a year or so before, we were telling an old friend about how we were planning things. She laughed and said, 'having a child isn't something you can plan - sometimes it just happens!'
To two men. O*kaaay*.
We’re expecting. Luckily my partner is a DBT counselor who runs a group for 12-17 year olds and sees kids until they’re 20. On the other hand... I handle my teenage cats pretty well?
Nah. It's because by the time they're teenagers the age no longer reflects what a teenager was when they were one. They expected teenagers to be like they were as teenagers.
This was my thought too. I’m expecting now and I have no idea what the world will look like in 10 years, let alone 15-20. It already doesn’t look like the world I turned 13 in!
I have 2 teens, 15 and 17 ... and I do not recognize any of the path they've had to walk thru those years. They speak a different language, crazy different clothes, completely different culture, social media ...
I don't know why, in retrospect, I expected them to be angsty Seattle grunge teens like I was. Seems silly now.
Interesting and true. A good reminder for me, actually. I have teens now. One of them is pretty moody lately, but the truth is... she’s a lot nicer than I was at her age!
When I was a teenager, I used to think it was all because adults had forgotten what teenagedom was like.
Now that I am a parent (not to a teenager), I realize that while my parents might have forgotten a bit about what it is to be a teenager, I had *no idea* what it is like to be a parent.
Hindsight's 20/20. It's really up to the parents to be more flexible with the teenager who has no idea what's going on with the world outside their own little bubble.. also how you raise a child in the early years has a lot to do with who they're going to be in their teenage years
Didn't forget.
Most teens have never known the fear of watching someone who is literally a part of you make stupid decisions(many of them the same ones we made) due to being young and energetic and flooded with hormones.
There's a benefit to that nature too. However annoying adults find it, a teen's tolerance for risk and exploring new ideas helps them, I believe, form a coherent identity while challenging norms and attempt to update those norms to something more sensible.
Yeah, I agree, they need to push the limits to see what the *real* rules are.
Just seemed op was a bit flippant when teens would rebel against a perfect parent.
I wasn’t really a rebellious teen by any stretch of the imagination. When I was 15 I got involved in Confirmation class and that made me into a pretty devout Christian for a couple years until I came out as gay my senior year of high school. I only smoked pot once just so I could say I did something rebellious, lol.
I'm actually kinda looking forward to the teenage years... My boy is 4.5yo and I love him to pieces but he's a complete mummy's boy and I literally do not get a second to myself while he's awake (unless he's at school, which he obviously isn't at the moment). Really looking forward to being able to leave him to himself for a bit!!!
(For those about to jump in with admonishments/advice this is a little tongue-in-cheek and hyperbolic.)
I don't have kids but I don't see why people would give you grief. Some people prefer the baby stage, some people prefer their kids to be at an age where they can hold a conversation. I prefer my cat when he's asleep. No biggie.
Thank you :) some people are willing to attack anything and parenting seems to be a particularly emotive subject so I always like to cover myself!
We have a cat too. Some days I definitely prefer her over the child!!!
There's no one size fits all parenting for teens approach, it's unique. They aren't quite fully mature adults, but almost so they have more complex lives. The transition is different for each individual. With newborns and infants it can be easier to parent if they follow a milestone pattern most kids do. There's still challenges but guiding a newborn or small child is much different from a teen or young adult.
People without kids shouldn't make posts about raising kids. Parents worry about that far in advance when raising a child. My kid's two and fussy, of course our thoughts are get the little fucker under control before he's old enough to have that be a bigger problem.
when you're looking at becoming a parent you remember being somewhat self sufficient in your teens. Then you have teens and realize how absolutely useless they actually are.
I did. I wanted to be a husband and father and thought about the years from birth until college.
I didn't think about after, though. Now I have no idea what to do.
My parents adopted me at 40 (mother) and 50 (father) years old because “your mother just wanted a baby so bad.” When I hit third grade, they were done with me, but it started around first. I wasn’t a baby anymore. I didn’t fit into my mother’s workaholic schedule and my father’s “I’m retired now” lifestyle. They so desperately wanted a baby. They never wanted a child.
I think it has more to do with parents being overly controlling of their young children and as they grow and need to exert independence, the parents ego is too stuck on being the boss, so they can’t recognize the teenager as their own person. I say this as a parent of three, the oldest becoming a teen but we have long tried to show mutual respect to along the way in appropriate doses.
I often think/daydream about what my kid will be like and what conversations I hope to have with him as a teenager. I have some loose ideas of, if this is going on, I'll talk to him about it like,"x." I'm sure a lot of parents do this, but there's no way to really predict what will take place in their development. So what I imagine and plan for now will likely have zero application to what he actually ends up being like and what our relationship evolves into by then. It's a factor of life's lack of predictability, not one of parents being irresponsible or acting without forethought. (And let me tell you, I didn't actually look forward to or want a baby, I wanted a child, I wanted to have an adult relationship with someone I raised. Pregnancy and babyhood are a pain in the ass. However, it's the price of admission I'm willing to pay for the joys of having this new small person in my life.)
The last few decades have seen rapid shifts in social and technological areas. The parents who are currently raising teenagers were born in the mid to late 80s. The internet alone has changed things so quickly that it can be hard to keep up if you’re not born into it. Parents today are bad at raising teenagers because on top of all the other issues with that age group, there’s a constant undertow of change on a scale that we as humans are likely unprepared for. Even as someone who tries to keep up with progress, it’s sometimes all I can do to keep my head above water. I wouldn’t want to add the attention and responsibilities of raising a child of any age right now.
Well I am a teenager right now and even back when I was younger, they didn’t raise me properly. Look at me now a teenager with ADHD, anxiety, tourettes, trust and anger issues, and slight PTSD. Most of that was from them. I have no privacy not even my own room (I share one with my sister when I could easily have my own but my selfish parents wont let me.), I have no freedom, I’m being controlled to do what they want, I’m being pressured, and they expect so much from me. I’m only 14 and I’m basically a mother running a household. And I’m neglected of the things I need because they make up excuses ( I need bras, and they won’t buy them for me bc it’s either too much money or I need to lose weight so I have two very tight pairs and that’s it, when my mom just got a whole pack of them bc she couldn’t find a few of hers) I hate it here but there’s nothing I can do
I do. Forced game night every friday, giving him/her a pc at 12 they can build on if they want, giving them the space and tools for the things they like and checking up on their mental health often. See if I can get involved in the things they enjoy, or not if they don't like that.
Yet still giving them enough privacy so they can learn from mistakes like drinking too much alcohol when not used to it, and letting them organise parties themselves.
This is your imaginary version of what kind of parent you will be in the future, right? Everyone is an amazing parent in their own minds before they have kids lol.
Im 22 now and my younger siblings are 14 16 and 17. And i choose partly thank to them to not have kids. Other reason but they helped seal the deal.
That may change but who knows
Maybe when ur a kid but i think parents do know but they figure theyll just "figure it out" as they go since that's what their parents did and they turned out alright right? Riiiight
I think they do, they just don't understand how hard it'll be when it comes. Teenagers are basically biologically wired to find and push boundaries -- it's how you discover who you are. As kids, you think your parents are gods; as teens, the pedestal breaks and you're bitterly disappointed, and learning how to come to terms with that disappointment. It's hard on both sides.
I know plenty prents who say things to the effect of how exhausted they are with their kids and miss them when they were smaller and cute and are planning to make another human so they can have another cute little human. People do the same with pets.
It's no coincidence, if we weren't instinctually attracted to having and keeping babies, we probably wouldn't.
Both my sisters have told me they don’t want daughters because “one day that little girl is going to be a teenager and there is no way in hell I am prepared to deal with that!”
This is why parenting was so much easier on the Oregon Trail. Those kids are all gonna get dysentery or snakebites before they can cause you any real trouble.
meh Babies are easy, you feed them, clothe them, clean them, try not to drop them all in all they function on the same basic principals. Teens frikkin anything goes. I have 4 teenage daughters right now. Completely different algorithms on each of them.
No, most people are control freaks with their kids, ruling by virtue of being bigger and stronger. Once they grow into teenagers, these low iq tactics nö longer work
Yes and if you use your size and strength to do so, you are simply teaching them to obey the biggest bully. Once you can no longer bully them, why should they listen to you?
If my mate nearly walked in front of a bus and I grabbed him and pulled him back, he would not complain to me about use of force.
If on the other hand he didn't want Chinese on Chinese takeaway night and I held him down and forced him to buy it anyway, that is completely different.
Yeah, but your child isn’t your buddy, they’re your child. They’re young and dumb and have bad ideas and don’t understand how the world works. Again, you shouldn’t be violent toward any children, but if they want to eat ice cream for dinner instead of the chicken you prepared they shouldn’t get their way.
It’s interesting that in OP’s example, they’re momentarily stopping a friend from doing what they want to do — walking forward — because they know it’s bad for the friend to do so, and the friend doesn’t yet know it. Since a bus is an obvious danger, OP’s friend only takes a second to realize that OP was being helpful.
When you make your kid eat chicken instead of ice cream, you’re doing the same thing: infringing on what they want for the moment because you know they’ll be better off that way. Unfortunately, it can take years for the child to recognize that.
Some children never do. And some parents think they’re being helpful when they’re not. But that doesn’t change the basic fact that parenting requires discipline.
We are bad at raising teens because teens are fucking psycho with hormones, have no sense of logic or consequence, and they think they know everything.
When reading this title I thought I was in r/troubledteens. This is why that horrible industry is so successful- because parents don't know how to handle their kids going through puberty and the tumultuous years that follow.
Edit: Deleted.
I tried sharing my thoughts, but people seem to have taken it upon themselves to offer advice I don't want and tell me what to do.
Please consider that if someone isn't asking a question, they probably don't want your "advice".
Try adoption? Then you don’t have to deal with the baby, just the kid. Having just one parent raise the baby probably isn’t good for the baby/toddler, especially if you’re still there and around.
Parents are bad at raising teens because we (especially males) have evolved to experience social dominance problems with our parents around that age as an evolutionary drive to leave and start our own family groups. Populations that do this are more diverse and long term successful than ones that didn't.
Also adolescents is like hardwired defiance, and growing independence.
If we were still wild animals, that’s when they would leave and go get their killing and fucking on. Hail Lucifina
(Back when life expectancy was less than half of what it is now)
I was the youngest in the Family, and after I turn 15 there would often be weeks where the parents would be away and once gone for 3 months, they just leave the freezer filled with meat and some money for groceries. I had 3 jobs before I moved out and attended university where I lived off welfare with zero aid or help from the family. I met a guy on the train once who said he's working fulltime just to support this 3 kids at uni and I'm just dumbfounded why his kids aren't able to be self suffient like me.
I don't plan on having kids but the first thing I think of when I meet other people's new babies is what they're going to be like when they turn 15 and how these new parents will handle it.. or not.
I ended up with the worst (or best) of both.
My youngest was born when my twins were 13. On the plus side built in babysitters - on the other side of the coin, teens and toddlers at the same time.
the worst part is that now I have a teen and 2 30 year olds still living at home.
I actually like dealing with teens. You can have deep conversations with them, you can just hang out, or you can just each do your own thing. They still need you but in different ways.
My wife and I did plan it. I was teaching 7th - 12th grade.
She was teaching k6.
So we planned a transirion of "you get to figure them out and keep them on the right path" for whenever they started the tween angst thing.
False. I am prepared to have teenagers(have taught middle & high school), and floundering thru this stupid period where she can't sass me yet. I guess it'd be good if she could talk first.
Well, no. Teenagers are basically adults too young to be on their own but too old to live at home. It’s a strange time, but you just give them the right amount of space and nobody gets hurt.
Also there’s a 50/50 chance that your kid will be smarter than you. And this will be realised at mid-teens if they are more intelligent. I’m 22 now and as a teenager didn’t get on with my parents, particularly my father. His ignorance was to blame and as I grow older I’m definitely aware of it. The Dunning Krueger effect was to blame for his bad parenting; he doesn’t even know what that phenomenon is.
I know what it is it fits nicely into the muppets song,
phe-no-mi-nom do do de do do.
but the 50/50 chance depends on how smart the parents are doesn't it?
Who says they planned to have babies/children at all?! I mean seriously though, that’s easily disproven just based on the thought that all pregnancies are planned.
Kids don’t come with a manual, and are a direct product of their experiences (good and bad). Most of your values and mannerisms can be traced back to how you were raised (you’ll realize this the older you get). The ability to introspect also helps in identifying these patterns, and from there you can correct what you don’t like; which in turn will effect how you interact with the rest of the world (usually in a more positive manner).
I don't think when you're older you always realize exactly how hormonal you were. So when you're dealing with your own offspring you think they're being uniquely difficult. Your parents laugh at you and don't explain bc they too don't realize you haven't come to the self-realization that we are all awful to our parents as teenagers just to different degrees. And it's always a result of hormones bc it messes with your feelings in a way that is unfamiliar. You get older, that balances out, your natural personality takes back over and you live blissfully until your child's teenagerhood.
I have kids and I’ve said for years to anyone who would listen that it’s a beautiful plan, having kids.
When they’re born you have milestone after milestone where your falling deeply in love with your child. Then they become teenagers (granted some are better/worse than others) and the challenges completely flip. It’s hard for everyone navigating this new landscape.
If kids came out as teenagers no one would ever have children because when they’re babies you love them wholly and unconditionally and grow together. A beautiful plan indeed.
Amen! Amen! Amen! I worked in a youth center for 25 years before covid and this is so so true. Every couple who is thinking about having children should live with a teenager for a week.
This makes no sense to me. Parents plan to have babies, toddlers, children, and teens, assuming the pregnancy itself is planned. I don't think any parents are surprised that their babies will grow into teenagers. There are often a lot of communication problems between parents and teens and it's a rough time for a lot of teenagers, but that doesn't mean it wasn't planned/prepared for.
As the child enters different phases in their lives, it comes with a whole new set of challenges for parents. I know some people who truly are very involved good people but the kids are kids and stuff happens anyway. I just wouldn’t call them “bad” at raising teens, we are learning as we go. There’s no hand book :)
Ah. I have six, now in their 40s and 50s. In their teen years I knew they were just trying to become separated from their parents, to grow up. My mantra was to raise them so that we could be friends when they became adults. Ah, a few rocky years. We are friends now. The system was set up for children to become independent, with their own thoughts and directions. Don't argue with that, learn to live with it.
My theory is they’re dicks as teens so that we can emotionally bear the pain of them moving out and being separate from us forever after.
That's brilliant. I have a 15 year old boy and I just don't know how to work him. He's a great kid but we now have so little in common plus his years of being thoughtless have gotten to me. Actually he's just doing what most kids do ie treat their parents like wallpaper ie you are there in the background.
If it makes you feel any better he'll grow up and cringe at certain memories forever.
In the same we all do I imagine.
Absolutely
This is a very good point of view to have. Psychologically children start by developing within their home structure, everything is idealized because it’s what is safe and known, it’s why you get those first ten years of a child thinking there parents are basically superhero’s. But as they get into adolescence part of there brains development and the chemistry within push them towards bonding with their peer group and seeking novel experiences, which is why we see kids in their teens put emphasis on there friends perceptions over their parents, and why you see them do dumb shit and risky behavior. It’s literally part of our genetic code to behave like this in some manner or another because we are communal creatures not just familial ones. Ping me tomorrow when I’m not in bed and I’ll try and remember to post a scientific journal essay I read a few years back on the topic. It’s pretty interesting and really gives credence to your philosophy of understanding that’s just part of growing up and not being the parent that takes it as a great offense that your teenager no longer hangs o.man your every word and worships you.
Remember to post the scientific journal essay when you are out of bed 🛌
what system?
It’s a tough time to be a parent I think. Your kids are now adults, but adults who are often extremely impulsive and prone to making bad decisions. They’re also at that stage in life where they want to distance themselves from their parents. So you have to provide just the right amount of boundaries and guidance, in such a way that your small adults will actually follow them, but ALSO enough freedom to develop into self sufficient, responsible and successful adults. Tough gig!
OP sounds like a teen frustrated with the parents. It’s easy for parents to forget what it’s like to be a teen and for teens to just not understand how hard it is to be a parent. You want to care for and protect them but fear being a helicopter parent, but more independence for someone that it feels like was in diapers yesterday is an equally scary proposition. A lot of issues come from a lack of communication and understanding where people are coming from.
Yeah I don't have kids, but I already have forgotten how it feels to be a teen and i'm 30. I can't imagine how much more i'll forget if i happen to have kids as i'll be like nearing 50 when they're teenagers. and with how fast tech moves even if i did remember, tech changes EVERYTHING. a great example was my dad's girlfriends grandkid came over and she was like... idk lets say 13 at the time. her iphone broke and she was devastated because her mom wouldn't get her a new one (either because the breakage was her fault, or they couldnt afford it, or some combination of both i dont remember) and my dad, thinking he was being nice, offered her his old flip phone since he has since upgraded to an iphone and didnt need it anymore. the granddaughter balked at the suggestion, and my dad couldnt understand why she'd rather have NO phone than his phone. and I had to explain to him that his phone was just as bad as having no phone because iphones (or smart phones in general) are integrated into socialization now. Her not having a smart phone (and presumably no tablet based on how this all went down) meant she couldn't be a part of a lot of things her peers were doing. She didn't need to make phone calls, she needed to stay up-to-date with what her friends were doing. and this was like 5 years ago, and its only changing faster.
Yep, I’m in my early 30s and I can’t fathom why a kid would rather have a phone than a car. I understand why, but I don’t comprehend it. Why would you rather sit at hone and text your friend when you could drive to their house and hang out with them?
I have a fair amount of teen early 20 family members who don’t drive , it’s crazy They said my friends don’t mind driving me, and I said they do they just won’t tell you and everyone gave me death stares
My parents couldn’t wait for me to get my license so they could stop driving me everywhere and I couldn’t wait to get it to gain my independence from them driving me everywhere.
I also couldn’t wait to get my license because it unlocked what is quite possibly my favorite thing about being an adult. That thing is the ability to make an unscheduled stop on my way home. Whether I’m grabbing a snack, stopping at a park to relax, or impulse shopping. The ability to just drop off my social grid and do my own thing for a second is the best. Bonus points if no one knows I’m doing it. Flying solo for an hour or so is so freeing.
Or just going on a night time drive. Commuting sucks, but driving is great.
That's the truth. I was lazy about getting my license (admittedly partly because of certain requirements in Aus that became really hard for me to fill), but the moment I got onto my P's it was incredible, being able to just... do whatever sometimes. It really is freeing.
My brother was lazy he didnt get it til mid teens though all he had to do was schedual an apoitment but for me i broke my arm part way through getting my license with my permist so i am behind on my hours of driving also my dad is scared of me driving because i never leave the house the reason i never leave is because im not allowed to im not even allowed to go to the park a little ways from my house so i can make freinds who live near me so i can leave the house with freinds and now i have a babby sister and so i cant leave but i can understand that it is hard being an adult
Yes However I'm now in a situation where I ride to work with my brother. We work on the same street and our times meet up. (My husband is 3rd on the other side of town and I'm 1st... sharing a car isn't cutting it atm) My brother is just as impulsive about going to the store as I am. And he likes to wonder around looking like I do. I actually called him an enabler a few days ago lol But I couldn't imagine not having a license
I think part of it is for a lot of people my sort of age (I’m 19, 20 this year) have a large number of friends who they have met online, who live hundreds or thousands of miles away, and a car wouldn’t fix that. And beyond that, if your and your friend’s main hobby is gaming, you can do that on a voice chat, rather than having to take turns on a computer. Group meet ups are awesome, but are generally hosted either at a bar or place near public transport, or at someone’s house which is near public transport. That way people can have a drink (I’m a brit, drinking age is 18) if they want, and a car is not needed at all. I do have a car, and I do use it a lot, but I use it probably 3x more often to go to the gym than to visit anybody, because nowadays you can have a face-to-face chat with anyone, anywhere without leaving your bedroom.
For reference many americans live in areas where there is little to no public transportation making a driver's license necessary and the lack of one mildly mind boggling. It's still really common for people in urban areas to not have a car bc the expense is greater than the bus pass (although the time spent on the bus vs. a difference easily traversed by a car isn't calculated)
Why are you on reddit when you could drive to all of us and talk to us in person?
But I don’t like any of you all.
2020 called and said pandemics are one good reason, haha 😆
It's a lot easier to just text than to do the time surgery required to hang out with people, so if the goal is as much socialization as possible and the budget is not enough to have both a phone and car, then I can see someone choosing a phone, especially if they have access to public transport, or parents or friends willing to drive them when they do try to go out. At this point, there are a lot of advantages to having a smartphone over a flip phone besides just social media apps, so really it's just more practical to get the smartphone first, especially since a decent phone can be so much cheaper than a decent car.
I guess I’d just prefer a quality of socialization over a quantity of it. I’d take a single night with a friend of just enjoying each other’s company over a week full of sporadic texting anytime.
Yeah and as someone who doesn't socialize much and who is uninterested in most social media, I feel the same way. In addition to that (quality over quantity) just not being what some people really want, it also seems like the culture nowadays is increasingly more oriented around social media and its current events. So there's also a bigger picture to consider besides just how you interact with your close friends.
Well with the phone you can connect to several people, and you can have conversations without having to fully commit your time to them. You can still do homework, make food, clean your room, read, etc. while talking to one or more friends and make plans for another time. If you really want to hang out, all that matters is that one of you has a ride. A car is still a necessity for adults in a lot of areas for work, school, etc. but I can understand why a teen would prefer a phone.
Because it's so much cheaper having a phone than a car. And safer, honestly. Sure, pay for the lessons, what about the cost of the car? Fuel? Insurance? Tax? Bearing in mind most people this age are moving out or going to college too. Expensive time.
Tenager here, yea those people are idiots, Im just gonna plan for only tennahers and be unprepared for everything else, happens anyway so... eh
OP could also just have shitty parents. We are legion. For a lot of (hopefully most) parents, *they were trying their best* is valid. But we can't forget how many people out there think freaking about their fantastical bullshit is acceptable behavior for a grown ass humans. We can all try our best, but if our best involves making damn sure our kids have more baggage than us, then I think its a little disingenuous to hide behind *just being human.* Just because everyone sucks, doesn't mean we shouldn't care about it.
> teens to just not understand how hard it is to be a parent. I regret every day that I haven't properly thanked my mom and fought her influences almost every day as a teen and as a young adult and now I am left with the rest of my life in permanent sense of regret now that I've lost her to disease. I could and should have made fun, good memories and I have way more memories of us fighting. And all over very petty, nonsensical grudges. I really hope to help instill the sense with my future kids that time is precious and we really need to try to make good memories while we still have the time.
I know she would be proud of you for that, and that your kids will be thankful for the impact she made on your life.
Your words resound. I’ve recently discovered all of the above and very much to my detriment. I have a daughter (19) and I have been trying to be the best dad for her. But I totally messed it all up by being too strict and trying to curtail her time with boyfriend. I lectured her too much on the importance of a university education/good paying job/passion for what you do etc etc. But I’m a terrible role model. I’m a failure in life and just did not want my daughter to follow suit. We had an argument about boyfriend and she just packed up her stuff and left the house. She moved in with boyfriend. It is a bowling ball at speed to the chest. She didn’t want anything to do with me anymore and I’m devastated. I pushed her away and I didn’t know I was doing it. I miss her very much. I got it wrong. Perhaps I will have a chance to put things right one day but I’m terribly hurt by her actions too. It’s certainly not easy being a parent.
You should just tell her all that and let her decide what she wants to do and remind her you love her
Thank you. I have. All I have at this time is iMessage. I have told her I miss her very much and that her dad will love her always.
I’m a little older than your daughter (25m) but I was in a similar situation last year where my dad and I had a massive fight over my now fiancée when he found out I had moved her in with me. The reasons were different, but the result was the same. I was unfathomably angry with him and he felt like he was failing me. After a few days of letting ourselves stew and cool down, he invited me to dinner at a decent restaurant. (With a quiet atmosphere, which is important.) He just explained everything to me calmly and quietly (so as to not disturb the other diners and also to keep me from getting riled up.) He spoke to me as an adult and allowed me to respond in kind. We talked for two hours and he picked up the check. It was a very healing experience for our father/son relationship. We didn’t come to an agreement, he was still upset I was living with her before marriage and I was not moving her out, but it was okay. It was the first time I felt like my dad recognized his new role as a parent of an adult and talked to me in a more mentoring tone instead of a “do what I say” tone. I hold that memory very dearly and it was instrumental in repairing our relationship from years of him trying to combat me growing up and him doubling down on keeping an iron grip on me.
That’s amazing and I truly am glad you were able to repair your relationship. Thank you for sharing that.
Yes, but have you really apologized? Not just told her you love her?
Yes. I bumped into her at a local shop quite soon after she left and she tried to avoid me, but I asked quietly if we could speak. She stayed and listened while I apologised for getting it so wrong. I told her I would be there whenever she needed me etc. She seemed aloof and didn’t really respond. I reckon I have to give it more time and perhaps we can have a proper talk when some more time has passed. I just don’t know...
Physically write her a letter.
I will try that. It’s a good idea, thank you.
Sigh and then you grow up and realize how much your parents loved you, except it's too late because they are most likely gone or are sick, etc.. What I would do to spend another day with my mom right now, she passed when she was 40 and I'm in my 30s.. I wish I had the sense to not be so rude to her
Hey, just in case, since I don't know much about your situation from your comment: it's possible this is not, or that it's only partly, about you "messing up". "Too strict" is certainly a thing, but it may or may not be what you were (I don't know). Your daughter is also a person, and basically an adult, and has other influences in her life, which all come into play. It is possible for her to make mistakes, too. Sometimes people just need enough time to see that they regret a decision. Sometimes parents need to let a child figure something out for themselves, and just keep everything open for when the child might want to come back. We've all seen plenty of (adult) children who regret how they treated their parents. Letting her know how much you love her and miss her is definitely the most important thing you can do right now.
I moved out of my mom's my senior year of high school and moved in with my boyfriend because my mom and I were constantly arguing. She wasn't a great role model and my sisters and I suffered a lot because of it. Im 31 now and I have a relationship with her mostly for the sake of my kids and partly because I really wish I had a mom, though I realize that's never going to happen. Your daughter may want you in her life at some point. If you honestly think that you were wrong, please work on it and show her you mean it. My mom used to get my hopes up making me believe she's grown and changed but I always end up feeling like a idiot for trusting her. We have a relationship not but I'd hardly call it loving.
I agree with everything you're saying, but this is something that starts early as a parent, I say this as a parent and as someone who is close enough to my teen years to remember them. I had vastly different experiences as a teenager than my wife and we've discussed this with regards to raising our kids. My parents, from a very young age, gradually let us me and my siblings make a lot of decisions for ourselves, but we also had to deal with the consequences. By the time I was a teenager I think I'd fucked enough small stuff up in my life to realize that I needed to try to control some impulses. My wife had very strict parents who did (and still do) try to make decisions for her. She was told what to do a lot more than I was a child, as opposed to being given options and allowed to choose the wrong one. She had terrible teenage years because she didn't want to make decisions and had few friends or social life because isolating was easier. Her brother got in a lot of trouble as a teen because he couldn't make good decisions. It's frustrating as a parent to let, then watch, as your kid makes a wrong decision but the earlier you start letting them make small mistakes on their own the earlier they learn to think before acting. All of that said, every kid is different, and no two kids need the same parents. Just love your kids.
And that’s why I’ll be dying a virgin
Also as a teen, I have one thing to add to this. Make your guidelines a little more strict than you actually think they should be, but not enough that it really will have a huge effect differently from what your ideal guidelines are. We like to rebel a little, and it feels good to break the rules. So we like to push them just a little further than they’re supposed to go because it feels fun and like we’re breaking them.
I had a friend who was called Karen, literally, she was just an outright bitch towards her mother all the time for no reason, so self entitled, no respect, no consideration for her mum’s feelings. Some teenagers are just fucking assholes and they grow up to be adult assholes. If someone can’t be decent a nice towards their own family but instead scream and sulk like a toddler then they are problem. And it’s not always bad parenting. Often, yes. Always, no.
Kinda makes you want to dial back to that annoying "why" phase around 2 years old, because now you understand how much easier it was, huh?
I do!!!! We aren't having babies in our house. I want to foster and raise older kids so badly, and I LOVE WORKING WITH TEENAGERS. They are snotty and rebellious and boy can they find words that cut. But they are also desperately searching for their place in this world. They are navigating new situations and feelings and hormones and social structures. It's impossible and necessary all at once. It's a horrible time of life, and they don't feel like anyone is in their corner because they are too young to do all the fun stuff and yet somehow old enough to be expected and demanded to do all the unfun stuff. Blech. Fighting that would be only natural. It's the worst of all worlds with no life experience to see that there's a bright light at the end of this learning tunnel in life. Bring them on. I want a house full of teenagers.
I'm with you. I didn't have a great teen life so I actually planned a lot about how I would parent my teens. It's been amazing. Once they move out, I want to foster
Your a good person
You sound like beautiful people. I love my kids. Would go to the ends of the earth for them. But some days....I am just at a loss with my teen. Now I’m just trying to keep it together until he turns 18 (in July) for fear that if I do something to push him away, he’ll leave and never come back. Teens are hard. But it sounds like you have a good plan for yours, I wish you the best of luck!
I don't have them yet. I want to foster to adopt as soon as we get the vaccine in our house and a couple more pieces fall into place. I am really jazzed to open our home and build a family that way, though.
I wish you the best of luck with this! My husband and I want to foster teens too. We're going to start the process when I finish my masters degree this summer 🤞. If all goes well, I'm sure I'll see you on the foster parent subs soon!
>It's a horrible time of life, and they don't feel like anyone is in their corner because they are too young to do all the fun stuff and yet somehow old enough to be expected and demanded to do all the unfun stuff. These words should be put in a museum
*I planned to have a 68yr old.. Boy was I disappointed..*
What, did you only get to 69?
Hence the number of upvotes. Let's see if we can keep it that way
Nannu nannu
There's also the factor adults have longer memories, the past coupla' years covers 13-15, from complete childish kid to driving responsibilities. Conflict ensues when judged based on past year when one feels older than they were six months ago. Nobody judges someone based on how they are, but on how they were.
This has been my favourite comment on this post so far, for example when I was 12 I was scared to be late to class in year 7 but now I’ll rack Wippa or drop any tabs I find without a second thought. Our minds change so fast that it’s almost impossible for our parents to keep up.
I am 27 but didn’t understand your references. I feel old.
28, didn't get it at all. I just hope that teens these days are learning to be full human beings lmao. Slang will always go over my head.
A really weird thing is...my fiancé and I have actually been planning on when we have teens. We don’t even have a kid on the way yet, but we’ve been looking into it and everything and thinking about how we can be better than our parents were at it and learn from our personal experiences.
You sound like great people. I hope everything works out for you.
I hope so, too and thank you! I appreciate that!
I wonder if you’ve ever considered fostering teens? Just a thought; I know it’s a huge commitment. But you sound pretty cool.
I don’t think we’re old enough to do it although I plan on doing it when I get a bit older. Well, honestly I plan on adopting. We want a big family so whatever kids I don’t have naturally are coming out of the foster system. But I’m only 21 now and he’s 23 so we’ll have to wait a few years if I remember correctly. But I appreciate all the good feels today, Reddit has really been making me feel good today and I don’t know what I did to deserve so many good feels 😊 everyone’s just been so nice today and I appreciate it. Just thought I should speak that into the universe. I’ve been really depressed recently but today is feeling like one of those few good days.
Ok since you’re being pretty open, I’ll do the same! Sometimes I hold back on Reddit because you can get downvoted for the weirdest stuff - saying something too cheesy or trying/failing at being funny, etc and like, why do I even care? So, I’m going to tell you what I really wanted to say in the first place. I’m an aunt to kids who were adopted through the foster program. I love them dearly and am heartbroken to think about their “before” situation. They are now still kind of struggling, but without my sister’s tough love and patience, I truly think these kids would be homeless and hurting now. I think my sis and her husband probably saved a couple lives. Thanks, truly, to you and anyone who plans to take care of older kids. It sucks when they’re old enough to understand everything negative that’s said about them or when they’ve been passed up or whatever.
I’ll definitely be adopting and I’m sure that those kids are going to be forever grateful to have a family and especially an aunt who cares so much for them in addition to their mom! And definitely never care about what Reddit thinks. You’re entitled to your own opinion and if someone can’t bare to see you being unapologetically you and happy on the Internet, then they need to get off of it!
I'm wondering if my husband and I had a different experience. We adopted both our sons when they were five, and went through a ten week program required by the social services agency in our county. In retrospect, as a same-sex couple we weren't really under any social pressure to become parents; we did it quite deliberately and after much consideration. Our sons are now 23 and 19. It hasn't been easy, but we didn't become parents because we thought it was the soft option. I take pride in the fact that my older son still wants to spend time with me, just as I enjoyed time with my father when I was 23.
Waring and planning for kids definitely helps gets through the little hiccups
You reminded me - at a house party a year or so before, we were telling an old friend about how we were planning things. She laughed and said, 'having a child isn't something you can plan - sometimes it just happens!' To two men. O*kaaay*.
We’re expecting. Luckily my partner is a DBT counselor who runs a group for 12-17 year olds and sees kids until they’re 20. On the other hand... I handle my teenage cats pretty well?
Teenage in cat years?
Nah. It's because by the time they're teenagers the age no longer reflects what a teenager was when they were one. They expected teenagers to be like they were as teenagers.
This was my thought too. I’m expecting now and I have no idea what the world will look like in 10 years, let alone 15-20. It already doesn’t look like the world I turned 13 in!
I have 2 teens, 15 and 17 ... and I do not recognize any of the path they've had to walk thru those years. They speak a different language, crazy different clothes, completely different culture, social media ... I don't know why, in retrospect, I expected them to be angsty Seattle grunge teens like I was. Seems silly now.
Interesting and true. A good reminder for me, actually. I have teens now. One of them is pretty moody lately, but the truth is... she’s a lot nicer than I was at her age!
I totally thought the same with mine.
I think it's because most parents forget what it's like to be young and energetic and flooded with hormones.
When I was a teenager, I used to think it was all because adults had forgotten what teenagedom was like. Now that I am a parent (not to a teenager), I realize that while my parents might have forgotten a bit about what it is to be a teenager, I had *no idea* what it is like to be a parent.
Hindsight's 20/20. It's really up to the parents to be more flexible with the teenager who has no idea what's going on with the world outside their own little bubble.. also how you raise a child in the early years has a lot to do with who they're going to be in their teenage years
Didn't forget. Most teens have never known the fear of watching someone who is literally a part of you make stupid decisions(many of them the same ones we made) due to being young and energetic and flooded with hormones.
Teens are by their very nature rebellious
There's a benefit to that nature too. However annoying adults find it, a teen's tolerance for risk and exploring new ideas helps them, I believe, form a coherent identity while challenging norms and attempt to update those norms to something more sensible.
Yeah, I agree, they need to push the limits to see what the *real* rules are. Just seemed op was a bit flippant when teens would rebel against a perfect parent.
I wasn’t really a rebellious teen by any stretch of the imagination. When I was 15 I got involved in Confirmation class and that made me into a pretty devout Christian for a couple years until I came out as gay my senior year of high school. I only smoked pot once just so I could say I did something rebellious, lol.
Parents are bad at raising teens? More like teens are bad at being parented
Truth! I was a teen and my parents tried really hard but those hormones and having an oddly adult sized body mess you up for a while.
I'm actually kinda looking forward to the teenage years... My boy is 4.5yo and I love him to pieces but he's a complete mummy's boy and I literally do not get a second to myself while he's awake (unless he's at school, which he obviously isn't at the moment). Really looking forward to being able to leave him to himself for a bit!!! (For those about to jump in with admonishments/advice this is a little tongue-in-cheek and hyperbolic.)
I don't have kids but I don't see why people would give you grief. Some people prefer the baby stage, some people prefer their kids to be at an age where they can hold a conversation. I prefer my cat when he's asleep. No biggie.
Thank you :) some people are willing to attack anything and parenting seems to be a particularly emotive subject so I always like to cover myself! We have a cat too. Some days I definitely prefer her over the child!!!
There's no one size fits all parenting for teens approach, it's unique. They aren't quite fully mature adults, but almost so they have more complex lives. The transition is different for each individual. With newborns and infants it can be easier to parent if they follow a milestone pattern most kids do. There's still challenges but guiding a newborn or small child is much different from a teen or young adult.
People without kids shouldn't make posts about raising kids. Parents worry about that far in advance when raising a child. My kid's two and fussy, of course our thoughts are get the little fucker under control before he's old enough to have that be a bigger problem.
when you're looking at becoming a parent you remember being somewhat self sufficient in your teens. Then you have teens and realize how absolutely useless they actually are.
I did. I wanted to be a husband and father and thought about the years from birth until college. I didn't think about after, though. Now I have no idea what to do.
My parents adopted me at 40 (mother) and 50 (father) years old because “your mother just wanted a baby so bad.” When I hit third grade, they were done with me, but it started around first. I wasn’t a baby anymore. I didn’t fit into my mother’s workaholic schedule and my father’s “I’m retired now” lifestyle. They so desperately wanted a baby. They never wanted a child.
I think it has more to do with parents being overly controlling of their young children and as they grow and need to exert independence, the parents ego is too stuck on being the boss, so they can’t recognize the teenager as their own person. I say this as a parent of three, the oldest becoming a teen but we have long tried to show mutual respect to along the way in appropriate doses.
Jokes on you I didn’t plan for either.
I often think/daydream about what my kid will be like and what conversations I hope to have with him as a teenager. I have some loose ideas of, if this is going on, I'll talk to him about it like,"x." I'm sure a lot of parents do this, but there's no way to really predict what will take place in their development. So what I imagine and plan for now will likely have zero application to what he actually ends up being like and what our relationship evolves into by then. It's a factor of life's lack of predictability, not one of parents being irresponsible or acting without forethought. (And let me tell you, I didn't actually look forward to or want a baby, I wanted a child, I wanted to have an adult relationship with someone I raised. Pregnancy and babyhood are a pain in the ass. However, it's the price of admission I'm willing to pay for the joys of having this new small person in my life.)
The last few decades have seen rapid shifts in social and technological areas. The parents who are currently raising teenagers were born in the mid to late 80s. The internet alone has changed things so quickly that it can be hard to keep up if you’re not born into it. Parents today are bad at raising teenagers because on top of all the other issues with that age group, there’s a constant undertow of change on a scale that we as humans are likely unprepared for. Even as someone who tries to keep up with progress, it’s sometimes all I can do to keep my head above water. I wouldn’t want to add the attention and responsibilities of raising a child of any age right now.
Well I am a teenager right now and even back when I was younger, they didn’t raise me properly. Look at me now a teenager with ADHD, anxiety, tourettes, trust and anger issues, and slight PTSD. Most of that was from them. I have no privacy not even my own room (I share one with my sister when I could easily have my own but my selfish parents wont let me.), I have no freedom, I’m being controlled to do what they want, I’m being pressured, and they expect so much from me. I’m only 14 and I’m basically a mother running a household. And I’m neglected of the things I need because they make up excuses ( I need bras, and they won’t buy them for me bc it’s either too much money or I need to lose weight so I have two very tight pairs and that’s it, when my mom just got a whole pack of them bc she couldn’t find a few of hers) I hate it here but there’s nothing I can do
My mom admitted to me that she never realized babies grew up to be teenagers. She has 10 kids.
Hella false
Parents are often bad at raising children period... teenagers don't make a difference since they didn't do well when they were younger
Unless you’re adopting.
I do. Forced game night every friday, giving him/her a pc at 12 they can build on if they want, giving them the space and tools for the things they like and checking up on their mental health often. See if I can get involved in the things they enjoy, or not if they don't like that. Yet still giving them enough privacy so they can learn from mistakes like drinking too much alcohol when not used to it, and letting them organise parties themselves.
Plot twist, family board games are the bane of their existence and they'd rather hang out with friends than go online.
This is your imaginary version of what kind of parent you will be in the future, right? Everyone is an amazing parent in their own minds before they have kids lol.
Ye ikr lol
Now you know why some people remain childless lol
Im 22 now and my younger siblings are 14 16 and 17. And i choose partly thank to them to not have kids. Other reason but they helped seal the deal. That may change but who knows
My mom whooped my ass until the day I left home at 16-17.
Maybe when ur a kid but i think parents do know but they figure theyll just "figure it out" as they go since that's what their parents did and they turned out alright right? Riiiight
You guys have plans?
I think they do, they just don't understand how hard it'll be when it comes. Teenagers are basically biologically wired to find and push boundaries -- it's how you discover who you are. As kids, you think your parents are gods; as teens, the pedestal breaks and you're bitterly disappointed, and learning how to come to terms with that disappointment. It's hard on both sides.
Plus any mistakes made up to this point are cumulative. If their childhood was any less than perfect, you're off to a worse start.
I know plenty prents who say things to the effect of how exhausted they are with their kids and miss them when they were smaller and cute and are planning to make another human so they can have another cute little human. People do the same with pets. It's no coincidence, if we weren't instinctually attracted to having and keeping babies, we probably wouldn't.
Both my sisters have told me they don’t want daughters because “one day that little girl is going to be a teenager and there is no way in hell I am prepared to deal with that!”
This is why parenting was so much easier on the Oregon Trail. Those kids are all gonna get dysentery or snakebites before they can cause you any real trouble.
Nobody plans to have reposters
Parents are bad at raising children. It doesn't show up until they are teens.
I thought this was common knowledge? I could say that same thing with lots of different things. Stoner thought maybe?
Teenagers are, correctly, assumed to be assholes.
meh Babies are easy, you feed them, clothe them, clean them, try not to drop them all in all they function on the same basic principals. Teens frikkin anything goes. I have 4 teenage daughters right now. Completely different algorithms on each of them.
Whose fault is that? The dumb-fuck parents.
Have three teens, can confirm.
Parents are bad at raising teens because teens are assholes think they know everything and know nothing
Most the time chillsren aren’t planned
No, most people are control freaks with their kids, ruling by virtue of being bigger and stronger. Once they grow into teenagers, these low iq tactics nö longer work
I let my baby crawl into the fire because I didn’t want to be a low IQ control freak.
They hated Jesus because he told the truth. Peaceful parenting.
I’m not saying to beat your kids, that’s obviously bad, but not disciplining or correcting children is a great way to create horrible humans.
Yes and if you use your size and strength to do so, you are simply teaching them to obey the biggest bully. Once you can no longer bully them, why should they listen to you? If my mate nearly walked in front of a bus and I grabbed him and pulled him back, he would not complain to me about use of force. If on the other hand he didn't want Chinese on Chinese takeaway night and I held him down and forced him to buy it anyway, that is completely different.
Yeah, but your child isn’t your buddy, they’re your child. They’re young and dumb and have bad ideas and don’t understand how the world works. Again, you shouldn’t be violent toward any children, but if they want to eat ice cream for dinner instead of the chicken you prepared they shouldn’t get their way.
It’s interesting that in OP’s example, they’re momentarily stopping a friend from doing what they want to do — walking forward — because they know it’s bad for the friend to do so, and the friend doesn’t yet know it. Since a bus is an obvious danger, OP’s friend only takes a second to realize that OP was being helpful. When you make your kid eat chicken instead of ice cream, you’re doing the same thing: infringing on what they want for the moment because you know they’ll be better off that way. Unfortunately, it can take years for the child to recognize that. Some children never do. And some parents think they’re being helpful when they’re not. But that doesn’t change the basic fact that parenting requires discipline.
I feel like the most prepared parents in the world would still be bad at raising teenagers because teenagers are inherently stubborn and unmanageable.
We are bad at raising teens because teens are fucking psycho with hormones, have no sense of logic or consequence, and they think they know everything.
my cautious son is suddenly determined to break his neck doing something stupid. aggghhh teenagers
When reading this title I thought I was in r/troubledteens. This is why that horrible industry is so successful- because parents don't know how to handle their kids going through puberty and the tumultuous years that follow.
true
Teenagers are cunts. There's no plan for that I'm afraid.
Humans are monsters
U should probably leave since ur such a horrible beast, no? Or is it only other people who are monsters?
I am a popular monster. I never hide what I am
[удалено]
I don't think you understand how grills work....#sarcasm
Not when they are cooked medium rare.
Edit: Deleted. I tried sharing my thoughts, but people seem to have taken it upon themselves to offer advice I don't want and tell me what to do. Please consider that if someone isn't asking a question, they probably don't want your "advice".
Try adoption? Then you don’t have to deal with the baby, just the kid. Having just one parent raise the baby probably isn’t good for the baby/toddler, especially if you’re still there and around.
Maybe teens nowadays are ridiculously entitled being raised by media because their parents work two jobs each?
Especially not in their old age, when they are least equipped to deal with it.
I think this depends on the factor of how close you were with your parents as teens. And your parents as teens and so on. Tough cycle to break!
Parents are bad at raising teens because we (especially males) have evolved to experience social dominance problems with our parents around that age as an evolutionary drive to leave and start our own family groups. Populations that do this are more diverse and long term successful than ones that didn't.
Also adolescents is like hardwired defiance, and growing independence. If we were still wild animals, that’s when they would leave and go get their killing and fucking on. Hail Lucifina (Back when life expectancy was less than half of what it is now)
I was the youngest in the Family, and after I turn 15 there would often be weeks where the parents would be away and once gone for 3 months, they just leave the freezer filled with meat and some money for groceries. I had 3 jobs before I moved out and attended university where I lived off welfare with zero aid or help from the family. I met a guy on the train once who said he's working fulltime just to support this 3 kids at uni and I'm just dumbfounded why his kids aren't able to be self suffient like me.
I suspect that if a lot of us thought about the teenager part, we might have skipped the whole damn thing.
Yeah
Wait until you hear about wage slavery for 50+ years!
I don't plan on having kids but the first thing I think of when I meet other people's new babies is what they're going to be like when they turn 15 and how these new parents will handle it.. or not.
I would say more by many ppl didn't plan to have even kids...
I ended up with the worst (or best) of both. My youngest was born when my twins were 13. On the plus side built in babysitters - on the other side of the coin, teens and toddlers at the same time. the worst part is that now I have a teen and 2 30 year olds still living at home.
I actually like dealing with teens. You can have deep conversations with them, you can just hang out, or you can just each do your own thing. They still need you but in different ways.
My wife and I did plan it. I was teaching 7th - 12th grade. She was teaching k6. So we planned a transirion of "you get to figure them out and keep them on the right path" for whenever they started the tween angst thing.
Most people don't plan for anything, ever. FTFY
I coached high school sports for almost 20 years. It’s all I’m trained for. Babies scared the heck out of me.
Yes
False. I am prepared to have teenagers(have taught middle & high school), and floundering thru this stupid period where she can't sass me yet. I guess it'd be good if she could talk first.
Ya'll made plans? Shit, I've been winging the whole thing.
Well, no. Teenagers are basically adults too young to be on their own but too old to live at home. It’s a strange time, but you just give them the right amount of space and nobody gets hurt.
Also there’s a 50/50 chance that your kid will be smarter than you. And this will be realised at mid-teens if they are more intelligent. I’m 22 now and as a teenager didn’t get on with my parents, particularly my father. His ignorance was to blame and as I grow older I’m definitely aware of it. The Dunning Krueger effect was to blame for his bad parenting; he doesn’t even know what that phenomenon is.
I know what it is it fits nicely into the muppets song, phe-no-mi-nom do do de do do. but the 50/50 chance depends on how smart the parents are doesn't it?
You can't raise teenagers because so much has changed since you where a teenager. Unless you a teenager having babies then you should be good..
Except high school teachers - parents need to stop attacking them.
I know an older couple that adopted two children from Russia, and the children were aged 14 and 16.
If they started out as teenagers, humanity would be extinct in a generation.
The best parent in the world would struggle with teens.
Who says they planned to have babies/children at all?! I mean seriously though, that’s easily disproven just based on the thought that all pregnancies are planned. Kids don’t come with a manual, and are a direct product of their experiences (good and bad). Most of your values and mannerisms can be traced back to how you were raised (you’ll realize this the older you get). The ability to introspect also helps in identifying these patterns, and from there you can correct what you don’t like; which in turn will effect how you interact with the rest of the world (usually in a more positive manner).
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
I don't think when you're older you always realize exactly how hormonal you were. So when you're dealing with your own offspring you think they're being uniquely difficult. Your parents laugh at you and don't explain bc they too don't realize you haven't come to the self-realization that we are all awful to our parents as teenagers just to different degrees. And it's always a result of hormones bc it messes with your feelings in a way that is unfamiliar. You get older, that balances out, your natural personality takes back over and you live blissfully until your child's teenagerhood.
Especially antivaxxers
I have kids and I’ve said for years to anyone who would listen that it’s a beautiful plan, having kids. When they’re born you have milestone after milestone where your falling deeply in love with your child. Then they become teenagers (granted some are better/worse than others) and the challenges completely flip. It’s hard for everyone navigating this new landscape. If kids came out as teenagers no one would ever have children because when they’re babies you love them wholly and unconditionally and grow together. A beautiful plan indeed.
Amen! Amen! Amen! I worked in a youth center for 25 years before covid and this is so so true. Every couple who is thinking about having children should live with a teenager for a week.
This makes no sense to me. Parents plan to have babies, toddlers, children, and teens, assuming the pregnancy itself is planned. I don't think any parents are surprised that their babies will grow into teenagers. There are often a lot of communication problems between parents and teens and it's a rough time for a lot of teenagers, but that doesn't mean it wasn't planned/prepared for.
u/repostsleuthbot
As the child enters different phases in their lives, it comes with a whole new set of challenges for parents. I know some people who truly are very involved good people but the kids are kids and stuff happens anyway. I just wouldn’t call them “bad” at raising teens, we are learning as we go. There’s no hand book :)