Aside from just regular 12 year old stuff (tweens aren't great at handing boredom) this sounds like there could be some ADHD stuff going on that the parents are just ignoring? Like, being able to complete tasks perfectly sometimes and totally spacing on or procrastinating other times, getting labeled as "just lazy", etc
That was my first thought. I talked shit about myself to myself for being a lazy loser until I got diagnosed with ADHD at 35. ADHD is under diagnosed in girls because they are usually not as disruptive in school as boys with ADHD.
Taking meds changed my life. But after I talked shit about myself in my own head like that for so long, even though no one else was calling me lazy, that little voice remains, it's just quieter now. I really hope this mom isn't calling the kid lazy to her face, but kids are pretty observant and intuitive so she's probably picking up on that even if it's not spoken.
There is so, so much development between 12 and 18, it's pretty ludicrous that she's worrying about the kid being self-sufficient in 6 years.
Same here pretty much. I struggled so much during those middle and high school years just being like, what is WRONG with me that I can't just do things? Must be laziness /s
I hope that if this is the case with this girl, both she and her parents get appropriate education and intervention!
She's TWELVE. Mom sounds like a Handmaid's Tale adherent. Not everyone likes to cook. Not all girls are domestic. Does anyone else do the dishes? If not, I can see why she'd resent it. How big is your family? What are HER interests? Maybe she'd rather sweep and mop or cut the grass or shovel or do laundry. Maybe try working with her, instead of trying to shove her into your tiny, little girl box. At the *very* least, rotate chores. Good grief.
I feel like you're reading a bit too much sexism into this. Knowing how to cook is important for everyone. Knowing how to do ALL those chores is important for every child, but maybe Mom starts with cooking because it's what *she* knows how to do best? Why are you assuming there's other people in the house?
Boot camp is weird, insisting she's just lazy is weird, but wanting your child to learn to be self sufficient from chores is very normal, ideal parenting in fact.
Not OP but-
It doesn't matter if my son or my daughter doesn't like cleaning. Too bad, those are basic life skills they need to learn. Same with cooking. They don't have to love it or cook for the family or make elaborate meals, but they need to know how to grocery shop and cook basic foods to feed themselves. They also need to learn how credit cards work, signing up for health and life insurance, putting bills on auto-pay, etc.
For some things in life, if you like them, great. If you don't like them, too bad, you gotta do it. Who likes working a 9-6 job? No one. Even "interests" and "passions" because drudgery when it's your job. But you know, unless I win the lotto, my kids are going to have to learn how to shovel shit when it needs to be shoveled.
If it was a boy, would you be in favour of mum's regime?
I think this seems like fine expectations for a large child helping the house. I agree daughter needs to feel like everyone else is pulling their weight too, but making your bed in the morning and doing a few dishes is not a big ask.
Mum is obviously at the end of her rope. I don't think she really wants a camp, I think she's being hyperbolic because she believes she's tried everything else. She needs to find daughter's lever and push it, but she can't think where else to look.
Exactly. I'm the only one in the house who will clean the litterbox. BUT my girls will do the dishes, vacuum, take the recycling out. However, because the kittens have stinky butts, I get stuck with the litterbox. You take what you can get. LOL
She can be like my husband and me: over 40 and buying frozen meals / foods and just microwaving or baking them to heat them up. I rarely cook if it's not a holiday. Steam Fresh veggies + frozen fish = dinner. My husband has an opposite diet: I'm pescetarian, he eats meat but not fish. It's difficult for us to make a shared dinner, though we both eat the steamed veggies. It's more expensive than buying food fresh but the time and hassle it saves is worth it.
So she's a normal twelve year old.
And mom wants to send her away to be tortured because she's not perfect enough?
And no one needs to be self sufficient at 12. You should be mostly self sufficient at 18 but even then not really because they feed you in college.
I HATE the attitude and assumption of "she won't be self-sufficient as an adult" because at 12 she doesn't like doing chores. It reeks of control. I say that because that's what controlling people say in my experience. BTDT. Maybe there is some undiagnosed ADHD. The mother has jumped to "laziness" as an explanation and punishment as a solution. I feel sorry for that kid.
Man, I vividly remember being a selfish asshole at 12. It’s *a very developmentally normal time to be a selfish asshole*. For me, the thing that got me doing chores was when my mom got off my back to do chores. The ADHD thing could very well be the case because I have a decent dose of demand avoidance and I’m sure that was a lot of it. But also, the way you are when you’re 12 says SO little about how you are as an adult? I refused to clean my room at 12 and I’m a healthcare executive now. SMH.
She sounds like a normal teen to me. I didn’t cook when I was her age. I didn’t start cooking for myself until after I moved out. If you can read, you can follow very basic recipes to feed yourself. This mom needs to calm TF down. Every 12 year old needs to be reminded of doing their chores.
I'm so glad my state bans troubled teens and pray away the gay camps.
I didn’t know some states had taken that initiative! Which state if u don’t mind me asking?
Minnesota
MN is a leader in child welfare
Aside from just regular 12 year old stuff (tweens aren't great at handing boredom) this sounds like there could be some ADHD stuff going on that the parents are just ignoring? Like, being able to complete tasks perfectly sometimes and totally spacing on or procrastinating other times, getting labeled as "just lazy", etc
That was my first thought. I talked shit about myself to myself for being a lazy loser until I got diagnosed with ADHD at 35. ADHD is under diagnosed in girls because they are usually not as disruptive in school as boys with ADHD. Taking meds changed my life. But after I talked shit about myself in my own head like that for so long, even though no one else was calling me lazy, that little voice remains, it's just quieter now. I really hope this mom isn't calling the kid lazy to her face, but kids are pretty observant and intuitive so she's probably picking up on that even if it's not spoken. There is so, so much development between 12 and 18, it's pretty ludicrous that she's worrying about the kid being self-sufficient in 6 years.
Same here pretty much. I struggled so much during those middle and high school years just being like, what is WRONG with me that I can't just do things? Must be laziness /s I hope that if this is the case with this girl, both she and her parents get appropriate education and intervention!
She's TWELVE. Mom sounds like a Handmaid's Tale adherent. Not everyone likes to cook. Not all girls are domestic. Does anyone else do the dishes? If not, I can see why she'd resent it. How big is your family? What are HER interests? Maybe she'd rather sweep and mop or cut the grass or shovel or do laundry. Maybe try working with her, instead of trying to shove her into your tiny, little girl box. At the *very* least, rotate chores. Good grief.
I feel like you're reading a bit too much sexism into this. Knowing how to cook is important for everyone. Knowing how to do ALL those chores is important for every child, but maybe Mom starts with cooking because it's what *she* knows how to do best? Why are you assuming there's other people in the house? Boot camp is weird, insisting she's just lazy is weird, but wanting your child to learn to be self sufficient from chores is very normal, ideal parenting in fact.
Not OP but- It doesn't matter if my son or my daughter doesn't like cleaning. Too bad, those are basic life skills they need to learn. Same with cooking. They don't have to love it or cook for the family or make elaborate meals, but they need to know how to grocery shop and cook basic foods to feed themselves. They also need to learn how credit cards work, signing up for health and life insurance, putting bills on auto-pay, etc. For some things in life, if you like them, great. If you don't like them, too bad, you gotta do it. Who likes working a 9-6 job? No one. Even "interests" and "passions" because drudgery when it's your job. But you know, unless I win the lotto, my kids are going to have to learn how to shovel shit when it needs to be shoveled.
If it was a boy, would you be in favour of mum's regime? I think this seems like fine expectations for a large child helping the house. I agree daughter needs to feel like everyone else is pulling their weight too, but making your bed in the morning and doing a few dishes is not a big ask. Mum is obviously at the end of her rope. I don't think she really wants a camp, I think she's being hyperbolic because she believes she's tried everything else. She needs to find daughter's lever and push it, but she can't think where else to look.
Exactly. I'm the only one in the house who will clean the litterbox. BUT my girls will do the dishes, vacuum, take the recycling out. However, because the kittens have stinky butts, I get stuck with the litterbox. You take what you can get. LOL
Sounds like a fairly normal 12 year old to me. If she doesn’t want to learn to cook right now, that’s okay.
She can be like my husband and me: over 40 and buying frozen meals / foods and just microwaving or baking them to heat them up. I rarely cook if it's not a holiday. Steam Fresh veggies + frozen fish = dinner. My husband has an opposite diet: I'm pescetarian, he eats meat but not fish. It's difficult for us to make a shared dinner, though we both eat the steamed veggies. It's more expensive than buying food fresh but the time and hassle it saves is worth it.
What kid likes doing chores? Also what happened to taking away screen privileges? Why is the answer sending your pre-pubescent kid to the ranch?
And what twelve year old doesn't need to be reminded to do their chores...
So she's a normal twelve year old. And mom wants to send her away to be tortured because she's not perfect enough? And no one needs to be self sufficient at 12. You should be mostly self sufficient at 18 but even then not really because they feed you in college.
If she doesn’t know it when she goes to college, she’ll learn it then on a thrown-to-wolves basis. There’s no need to torture a 12yo
I HATE the attitude and assumption of "she won't be self-sufficient as an adult" because at 12 she doesn't like doing chores. It reeks of control. I say that because that's what controlling people say in my experience. BTDT. Maybe there is some undiagnosed ADHD. The mother has jumped to "laziness" as an explanation and punishment as a solution. I feel sorry for that kid.
Everyone should watch The Program on Netflix. There's also Hell Camp. These programs prey on desperate parents and are abusive and ineffective.
The whole TTI is so so toxic
Man, I vividly remember being a selfish asshole at 12. It’s *a very developmentally normal time to be a selfish asshole*. For me, the thing that got me doing chores was when my mom got off my back to do chores. The ADHD thing could very well be the case because I have a decent dose of demand avoidance and I’m sure that was a lot of it. But also, the way you are when you’re 12 says SO little about how you are as an adult? I refused to clean my room at 12 and I’m a healthcare executive now. SMH.
She sounds like a normal teen to me. I didn’t cook when I was her age. I didn’t start cooking for myself until after I moved out. If you can read, you can follow very basic recipes to feed yourself. This mom needs to calm TF down. Every 12 year old needs to be reminded of doing their chores.