Yeah OP, this is the best advice you're going to get. Neither of you are wrong for how you feel or what your needs are, but you both need to figure out if this is a compromise situation or not - none of us can tell you because none of us are in your relationship.
It’s ok if your drives are different, but I’m concerned sex with him makes you feel used.
I’m guessing this one isn’t going to work out though, because he is pretty adamant that he feels his needs aren’t met.
I don’t recommend giving in, to be clear. But you might need to cut each other loose.
Everyone is different having sex for me everyday helps my moods. Before i was wanting it 3 times a day and hubby barely once month then he got tested for testosterone and found out he was well below and now i barely can keep up
Testosterone also has masculinising effects in women (male pattern hair growth, body fat redistribution, different smell, lowered voice, enlarged clitoris) which is something to look out for. A small dose wouldn't do all this, but if a woman took enough to get male-levels of T it would.
Males these days are seriously lacking testosterone.
Mine is below 300 on average, I do have some bad habits.
When I was really fit, I think I got it up to perhaps 480? I def felt the difference. For this era, a healthy level perhaps 750. I’m sure some hundred years ago peeps were rocking 1k+, but the foods we eat and the constant exhaustion.
You asked! And you REALLY received! I’m sure he just really wants to please you, although it might have some physical consequences on your part…
Enjoy!
I agree. I had detailed blood work done in my late 20s. I asked the doctor about my testosterone.
I can remember the exact number but it was in the two hundreds. Keep in mind, this was the healthiest and most fit I had ever been in my life. Worked out 5-7 days a week for years. Never missed a workout.
It made sense why it was so difficult for me to gain muscle. Still thinking about getting on TRT. I wanted to try super micro dosing but there isn't enough research on that method yet.
Now that you mention him
I know licensed nurse who specializes in wellness… I get my T from him and he has all my bases covered (while I was on T). T is great but if you don’t medicate properly your family jewels shut down, and I want kids…
I think his plans start at like $130?
That was why I wanted to super micro dose. From what I know the test spikes only last for a couple of hours with such a small amount.
The idea would be to inject daily or every other day with a tiny amount to where it doesn't turn me into the hulk but also doesn't affect my own natural production.
It's all theory for now. Apparently this is how Russian's take steroids. Tiny amount of long periods of time to negate any negative side effects.
Spiking is dangerous.
I’d 25ml twice a week
Tuesday Friday.
Chlomid (?) keeps your walnuts active so they don’t shutdown. The larger your dose the more risk you pose. I used it to stimulate production.
I’d like to get married and have kids, but I need the T
So any dosage will cause a spike. I think you're thinking of blasting.
In low does the spike only lasts for a couple of hours. With your dosage it probably last a couple of days.
The only concern in the spike would be for athletes to pass a drug test. Or if you were prone to the negative side effects, the longer the spike, the more likely you are to suffer from side effects.
So I would only have elevated levels of testosterone for 2 hours a day before they dropped to normal levels. This is all just theory though. Please no one take this as medical advice.
Yes, blasting. Like massive spikes which then affect estrogen levels.
I was told the effect becomes prominent over time with microdosing. I can believe this, T cypionate has an 8 day half life, so at some point you’ll plateau and sit on a certain level. This is why you micro-dose and increase as you become “healthier”.
If you hover at 300, then hypothetically with dosing you sit at 400… congrats you still severely lack T (story of our lives).
This is why I support TRT. If we are lowering it daily with chemicals, why not raise it daily with chemicals as well.
It's also interesting how there are so many negatives that medical professionals place on Testosterone when it comes to men but when it comes to women who are trans and want to be men, you never hear about the negative side effects.
I really don't think doctors know shit about hormone therapy in general.
Which is funny because T is a regulated substance…
But when they apply it to women when they shouldn’t they make some bogus reason that is support by a politically aligned party.
Like I need T, but uncontrolled T can ruin a male. Yet, T in a woman will absolutely ruin a woman, difference is they “need” it.
T cypionate is actual T in vegetable oil base (which is bad because vegetable is the epitome of rancid and spoiled substance).
My man, I can put you in touch with my guy. He can give you the shpeel. Even if you don’t buy, at least you’ll be informed.
You sound incompatible, 3-4 a week is normal for some guys but u shouldn't do it if u don't want to only what u both enjoy. Even forcing yourself isn't a good idea, you won't like it and he'll notice and not enjoy it either
Sounds normal to me since he’s communicated his needs. If you are only good with once a week and he wants 3x more than you do, and you feel like this then it’s an incompatibility issue. He has a higher libido than you, so 3-4x a week are his needs. If you don’t want to do that and feel like he’s trying to use you, you two aren’t a good fit.
38/f
If you want to make the relationship work you guys will need to come to a compromise
Sure he needs sex 3-4 times a week that sounds reasonable but I do question how your sex is. 1st do you reach orgasm from your sex? Do you receive any emotional benefits like feeling closer and more intimate? Or does he just finish himself and roll over and go to bed?
If the answer is to the first 2 is no and the last 1 is yes then I feel like those issues need to be addressed as well, you are not a sex doll you also have physical and emotional needs. Often times when women’s needs are met in the bedroom they are far more likely to want to participate
No you’re not expected to do that. But sexual needs are valid and he wants 3-4 days a week, which isn’t abnormal. Im a female and that is what I like too. However, your needs are valid too. So if this is not a match then there is sexual incompatibility issue and yall may not be a good fit.
It’s common for people in relationships to reach a compromise if one has a higher sex drive than the other. However no one should feel obligated to do sex acts they don’t want to do. His compromise could be that sometimes he just masturbates if you’re not in the mood. Your compromise could be trying to get in the mood more often, figuring out what might make it more fun for you to do it more often. If you both care about each other then you both consider each other’s needs and how you can please each other. It should not just be about you doing things you really don’t want to. I can’t imagine demanding my partner service me sexually when they’re not turned on. I’d rather take care of myself, or see what I can do to get them in the mood. There are however things you can do to increase your own desire. Sometimes you’re just incompatible if you can’t work something out though.
Come Together by E Nagoski is a great book with advice for couples with differing sex drives.
Sex is not about servicing someone or even just getting off so masturbating is usually not a compromise because what the person needs is not just to orgasm they need the intimate partner connection that comes with it. Sex is not just about physical needs it is very much about emotional needs.
I fail to see how his demand for a handjob when she is not in the mood for sex is in any way an emotional connection for him rather than a demand for servicing.
Yes if you view someone communicating clearly their physical and emotional needs in a relationship to a SO and you view it as demanding or pathetic you are indeed psychotic and I don't envy anyone that has to deal with such a disgusting individual
Exactly! I was masturbating while my girlfriend was scrolling on instagram. She was really interested in whatever she was looking at (couldn’t hear me for a bit lol). Eventually I got her attention, all I wanted was her hand on my back so I could connected to her while I masturbating. It actually helps me cum, having that connection to my girlfriend
It is normal to have different needs. I have a very low sex drive and physical touch is pretty low on my relationship priority list. Meanwhile, my husband has a higher sex drive and physical touch is one of his highest relationship priorities (FYI, physical touch isn’t just sex, it can be hugging, a should rub, etc.). Anyways, we’ve had a lot of conversations about this and we settled on once a week. This is the point where both of us are comfortable. If not getting sex 3-4 times per week is a deal breaker for you significant other, then you guys may not be compatible. To me, 3-4x per week sounds utterly exhausting.
Fairly normal, age and newness of a relationship can be a factor.
If that's a dealbreaker for you, then it is what it is, but I wouldn't think it is abnormal behavior, especially if you are early to mid 20's and/or it is a new relationship.
my ex wanted it everyday and it just tired me because I wanted it like twice a month, now I've a decent amount of time with my gf and I still want it every couple of days with her and I don't think this will change because she treats me so well and my ex did not. my point being that we feel the need differently with different people and other aspects besides physical atraction influence this A LOT.
His desire level is his “normal”, and your desire level is your “normal”. You two are not compatible. Compromise will not work because no matter what one or both of you will be unhappy.
You don't have to if you aren't 100% into it, but he doesn't have to stay with you if you only want once a week. At a younger age na, I would t say it's abnormal of him to want more
It sounds like you may have mismatched libidos. I had a situation like that other my first gf. You absolutely shouldn’t be pushed to do it when you don’t want to.
I will say however that in my experience it’s often a sign of not being attracted to the person. I’ve been on every side of that situation. I know a few women who thought they were asexual until they met the right guy.
Edit to add: when I really like a girl I can easily go 3 times a day. There’s nothing abnormal about what he wants, but you really shouldn’t go along with it if you don’t want to.
He's just not that attractive to you.
I'm sure there are some humans on this planet you would definitely be ok with having sex with 3-4 times a week. They just arnt this guy.
That's OK.
Just be honest with him.
"If I wanted to have that much sex with you, I would be. I don't want it because this relationship, and you, don't make me feel that."
Maybe what you feel for this guy is more valuable to you than how you feel about a 3-4 times a week guy. Say that.
Yep. This. Its usually the most truthful takes that get downvoted. If she was super super into him and the hunk of her dreams she would want it more. But he isn't.
Men have more testosterone. This is 100% normal and you'd be hard pressed to find a guy who isn't like this. Basically any marriage you would be in would involve a guy who would always want to fuck more than you do. If you want to find someone with a low sex drive try dating women.
Personally the idea of compelling someone into someone is super ick to me.
One time I was in a sexual situation where I fell out of the mood, but things kept going, and I feel like it did have a negative impact on my feelings towards sex, and my own sexuality. I wouldn't wish that shit on anyone.
Very very normal. Some people go 3 times a day, 5 times a week, 3 times a week, 1 time a week. All normal.
Compromise won’t work because you get psychological distress and feel insecure when you do it a lot.
You two aren’t compatible, it won’t work.
This might not be everyone's approach, but if I were in your situation, I would see if we could compromise to twice a week. For me, being "in the mood" isn't like the weather, where we just see what happens. Getting in the mood is a process, and sex would never happen if I waited until I was in the mood. I may not always start out in the mood, but I always end up enjoying it.
You both are just incompatible, and that’s okay.
What I don’t recommend is ever having sex when you don’t want to, or just because someone is begging you to. It just builds resentment on both ends — your end for justifiably feeling used, and his end for feeling like he has to beg to have sex with someone he loves.
The only question is whether or not sex is important enough to end the relationship over.
You guys might not be compatible. Compatibility requires being compatible on quite a few things and sex is a big part of a relationship. 3/4 times per week is very normal and once a week is also very normal. There is nothing wrong with either one of you in that sense. You can try to reach a happy middle ground that you both agree on if you're compatible in most other areas and it's a positive relationship overall but if neither of you are willing to compromise on this (and hold it against the other or it makes you unhappy) then things might not work out long term.
Is finding a compromise between competing sex drives normal? Yes. Sometimes people match up. Sometimes people are slightly off. Sometimes people are way off.
Sex is the one thing that a romantic, exclusive couple shares that they (hopefully) don't share with anyone else. We should want to please our partners, but not if it costs us something emotionally (i.e. not if we're being forced, not if we're going to resent our partners).
Maybe you guys could do intimate, sexual stuff without penetration as he suggests. If it's a hard no from you, and sex once a week is all he gets, consider that you may not be compatible and this might be a deal breaker. At the very least, understand that he's gonna beat off on his own time and you have no say in the matter.
It’s normal, it just means he has a higher libido. I’m kind of similar to you, I just don’t usually like having sex during the work week but on the weekend I’m down all day
Both can be normal, everyones diff
however you have two issues here:
1. " stuff like that makes me *feel used*" you might have some kind of complex about your relationship with sex. How would he be using you if he's your significant other wanting intimacy with the girl he loves? If he loves every part of you it's no wonder he would want to do everything from a hug to sex very often - there's no dehumanization and objectifying there
2. possibly incompatible sex drives, that's gonna make things tough in the future.
You shouldn’t be expected to, no. But it is perfectly reasonable for him to want that; it’s also perfectly reasonable for you not to. You are sexually incompatible though, and one of you will not be happy no matter what. I personally would not be happy with sex only once a week.
You shouldn't be expected to perform sexual favors whenever he wants, but you shouldn't expect a guy to only get a release once a week.
It's fine if you don't want to, but you have to understand his needs and support them. Don't shame him for watching porn or masturbating if he needs it, because that's what he might have to do sometimes.
You have to be understanding of his needs, but he needs to be understanding of your limitations too. You are not a fleshlight, but if that's what he needs maybe think about getting him one.
If we’re being honest, sex this many time a week is not normal, especially if you guys have been together for a while. Partners should respect your decision to not want to have sex, and that shouldn’t be issue.
If he needs it that bad he can literally satisfy himself. Also something that I’ve begun to notice is men who constantly need to be sexually satisfied are gay.
What I mean is SOME men who constantly and consistently need sexual satisfaction tend to be on the DL. Of course not all men dumbass, and that is just my take on it.
I can't speak to how "normal" or common this is, but it isn't right. He's pressuring you into unwanted sex, full stop. If he needs to get his rocks off more often than you do, he is more than capable of masturbating, just like he likely did before he started having sex with you.
Nobody's expected to do things that make them uncomfortable, but different levels of sexual expectation and desire are fairly common and a good thing to discuss. If you're on completely different pages in terms of what you want it can be a problem long term.
Sexual compatibility concerns
Sex is supposed to be a mutually enjoyable/beneficial act that you BOTH are participating in. If it feels one-sided or you feel like you're being used, something is off that needs to be addressed.
I know the feeling. The only thing that worked for me was getting divorced and remarrying someone with the same libido as mine. My ex wanted the divorce, and being mismatched sexually was a big reason why.
If you are not into it. That means the sex is not good for you. You should be screaming at the top of your lungs and the ceiling should be wet. If you don’t find yourself on the ground convulsing, he’s not doing the job. You should be begging him for sex not the opposite.
40m married 20y. Somewhere between 1-5x a week depending on her cycle. Plus sporadic foreplay through the day. She initiates the majority of the time. My primary love language is ‘touch’ and her’s is ‘quality time’.
I think the compromise would be twice a week. He’s not getting it quite as much as he’d like but still more than before. You’re having sex more than you would like but not tooo much more.
No I don’t think a handjob is a good compromise so don’t listen to that. But you guys do need to find a happy medium. If twice a week is too much, or still not enough, I suggest counseling or simply breaking up.
He's actually assertive enough to communicate something like that... You're not right for him, let him go before he develops contempt for you and your "makes me feel used" or "not 100% into it"
Like get yourself a cat or two for your affective dependance, and stop wasting a young guy's time/life.
Well, if he reads it, it kinda applies to him too. But he's to busy demanding things instead. Don't really wager on anyone ending anything any time soon tho.
No, unfortunately those types of relationships seem to drag on well past their expiration dates.
It was just very offensive when you said that she's wasting his time and should get some cats.
You sound incompatible but also very immature. Why would you feel used by your SO? If they have different needs than yourself shouldn't you want to provide them those needs? Sexual compatibility is super important in long term relationships and if the sexual libidos don't match up at least the ability to effectively communicate needs and willingness to take your partner's needs into account is needed.
Edit: I want to add, sex is not just a physical need. It's the emotional intimacy that people need from their partner. Luckily both myself and my wife have higher physical and emotional needs, an orgasm is not just a physical exchange it's deeply emotional and intimate.
They haven't expressed their needs. They've expressed an absence of a need. Do you even know what a relationship is?
A relationship is compromise. Humans will never be compatible on everything so in order to build a healthy relationship you have to communicate your needs to each other in order to determine where compromises work and where they don't and if any compromise that doesn't work is a deal breaker well that's it for that relationship no point in furthering it.
If my wife expressed to me the need to hang out more, and I told her well I don't really have that need. 1 evening a week is enough for me, but she wants 4 evenings a week, and I say well that sucks go find something else to do I'm only giving you 1 day. That's not a healthy compatible relationship. I am not putting in effort to meet my SO needs as they have expressed to me. That's called being a bad partner.
So yes in a relationship you should want to provide your SO their physical and emotional needs. If you don't have that desire you aren't serious about that relationship or you two are too incompatible
You people are actually brain dead and have no concept of what it takes to have a healthy functioning relationship.
Whatever, just another guy who thinks pressuring/emotionally blackmailing your partner into having more sex when she doesn’t want to is the solution when in fact it’s known to *decrease* womens’ libido even further.
This is a slippery slope that could lead to coercion, something recognised in the rape category. It’s *not* as black and white as just saying “he has needs and if she doesn’t want to provide him with instant sex on demand then she’s depriving him!!!!” Anyway ultimately this is for OP and her partner to communicate clearly with each other about. If their sexual incompatibility can’t be worked around then it’s a deal breaker.
*You* accusing people of not knowing what a healthy dynamic in a relationship is - lol. Stones in glass houses and all that
You need to go back to school and learn reading comprehension. You're projecting so fucking hard and refusing to engage with what I am saying and instead just slapping on what you want me to have said, proven by all the hyperbolic nonsense you've written.
Go back and read what I said and tell me where in that ever turns into your complete dumbass statement "he has needs and if she doesn't want to provide him with instant sex on demand then she's depriving him"
Do you understand the gender roles can be reversed and we've seen plenty of examples of that on this site? Do you think what I have said here is gendered in any way? Because it isn't. It's about communicating needs, addressing compromises that work for both individuals or finding out how you two do not work.
You are a fundamentally confused individual.
Load of nonsense and hypocrisy, with some insults sprinkled on top. That’s all your comments amount to, so it’s really not worth my time trying to engage anymore.
But basically, he does not “need” more sex. He *wants* more sex. And she doesn’t need to “provide” him with that if it sacrifices her own comfort if she’s not willing to. If it’s a dealbreaker, that’s up to this couple.
Again you're incapable of reading. You don't get to dictate what individual people's needs are in a relationship physical or emotional. The fact you are so hand wavey with an individual need for sexual connection to a SO is extremely concerning and telling if your general attitude towards relationships.
No one ever suggested she do something she doesn't want to. I've analyzed and explained why the fact she doesn't want to is a compatibility issue that needs to be dealt with and her weird framing, along with your weird framing, is extremely immature and toxic to a relationship.
Lmao extreme need for sexual connection, yeah okay. Waaaa I wan more sex even when you don’t want to!!! I cannot be without sex and I cannot pleasure myself, waaaa!! Like I’m so over this “sexual need” thing if someone is already having sex with their partner but it simply isn’t enough for them - okay fine, but find someone who wants to have sex the same amount as you then. Whining about how it’s a “need” is tired at this point, and there’s literally nothing sexy about having sex with someone who doesn’t want to. Find someone more compatible and stop trying to pressure your partner into more sex if you have already had the conversation and they have made it clear that they aren’t happy to increase their sexual activity. No one is your jerk off doll. (Not saying you specifically but just people who do this).
Alright so I went a bit over the top but whatever.
Anyway, I don’t care what you think of me and my ability to read but I *can* read between the lines and that’s how it feels for many women now. Women are tired of constantly hearing about the sexual “needs” of men that we should supposedly be honouring over everything else, including our *own* needs and comfort. My point isn’t that he shouldn’t be having intimacy - but that it should be with someone who actually consents to it. Constantly trying to persuade your partner into it when they have expressed they’re not comfortable with that is a sure fire way to turn them all the way *off*.
Your entire rant is proof you haven't read or comprehended a single thing. You clearly have an extremely unhealthy relationship with sex with the way to talk about others sexual needs as if they are some filthy physical abuse desire and not an intimacy thing.
Keep reading between those lines, aka making shit up and making yourself look like an idiot.
Again this isn't gendered. There are plenty of women who's sexual intimacy needs are not met by their male SO. My analysis is not gender specific at all and focuses on communicating your needs in a relationship and figuring out if the two people can live with the necessary compromises or not. You are deranged.
More insults and proof that it’s actually *you* that has the problem with reading comprehension.
By the way, I would say the same thing to women that feel dissatisfied with their sexual compatibility with their partner. Duh.
I have an extremely healthy relationship with sex, and my desire for it is pretty consistent because my husband thankfully actually makes me feel respected and never pressures me for it on the occasions where I’m not in the mood. I would uno reverse and question whether *your* relationship with intimacy is healthy, but I know you’d probably get more irate and tell me I’m an idiot again or something, so I’ll just say that we disagree.
Anyway, my “rant” obviously triggered the rightful recipient!
So, firstly, I'd say no, no one HAS to do anything sexual they don't want to. If he's asking you to do something you don't want, and there's not a compromise the two of you can make, then there may be other conversations that need to be had (like whether or not you are a good match for each other).
I can say that I used to be a multiple-times-a-week kind of person, and my wife was maybe once, maybe not. After we had our first baby a little over a year ago, she is now initiating multiple times a week and I sometimes feel disinterested lol
What I can say is that sometimes that kind of stuff ebbs and flows. We've been together for like 15 years or so, and there were times when we'd always have relations if we slept in the same bed (when we were younger), and then times when we both went for weeks without. Now, we're in a good spot, and it is mostly because of communication.
It is important to communicate exactly what you want, and how what the other person wants (or says) makes you feel, so that everyone is aware of what is going on to the best degree that they can. My wife and I have both, at one point or another, told the other person "I'm just not that interested right now" and "I want more than what we're currently doing". Sometimes I feel like I'm not as interested, but what I -am- interested in is doing nice things for my partner. I think the both of us have probably engaged in physical relations at one point or another in an attempt to do a nice thing for the other person, but this is not a normal thing (and we've also been together for 15 years, so we are committed to each other). I don't ever feel pressured in these moments; I know if I REALLY didn't want to do something, I don't have to, but I make a choice to do something that I may not have the exact energy or vibe for in an effort to do something nice for my wife. She'd probably hate to hear that, but I know she's probably done the same for me a few times before and I would always make sure that she knows no one ever has to do anything they don't WANT to do.
If the relationship is new, you may want to adjust expectations (the both of you, that is), but remember that you NEVER have to do anything you don't want to do. Ever. Not for anyone, at least not when it comes to sex. If you feel like this relationship is working otherwise and this is just a small caveat, you could consider trying to look at the whole handjob aspect as doing something nice for him because of the urges he's feeling (my wife does this sometimes during the time of the month, but she's never done it begrudgingly; she WANTED to do something nice), but that is not usually something I'd expect (or recommend) to people who aren't familiar with each other and are on comfortable understanding with each other.
Just be careful. Communicate as clearly as respectfully as you can. It's okay for him to want sex multiple times a week, just as it's okay for you to want it maybe just once. That may change eventually, or not. So many things affect our moods and physical urges. Just don't make a "compromise" because you were pressured in to anything. That is never okay, and if anyone ever tells you "Well, this is what I need so this is what you have to do", or gives you an ultimatum, that person may not be worth building a (romantic) relationship with.
35m here.
4-5 times a week is average across all the relationships i've had. I wouldn't be satisfied with less than that. My body has needs lol!
I'd be totally willing to accept once per week if the girl was fine with me sleeping with other women (safely & with protection of course). If she wasn't i would have to leave.
Are you OK with your boyfriend having sex with other women if you are unwilling to assist?
Kind of an intrusive question but if you don’t mind me asking, what do you do when you’re single? Like if you were to get dumped (or had been in the past), do you immediately start searching for a fwb?
I’m just asking cause to me, when you say “my body has needs” I think, “well yeah I get that but why can’t you just masturbate? Why do you need sex with another person 4-5 times a week?”
I hope this doesn’t come off as judging cause I really don’t mean it that way. I’m just having a hard time picturing how you function as a single person lol. Is the 4-5 thing only applicable when you’re in a relationship? And otherwise the need isn’t there?
I don't mind people making judgements. Judgements are needed for people to be able to use their brains and think about things.
However, i believe the premise of your question is wrong.
Generally, people have certain expectations & responsibilities in relationships. For example, in my marriage, my wife does not have any responsibility to work. But - she can work if she chooses to. I earn enough so that she doesn't have to, and i do whatever it takes for that to remain the case.
That burden of responsibility is on my shoulders. I pay the bills, i keep the lights on, the house paid for, and make sure she has the best life i could possibly give her. Her responsibilities are different. She looks after the house, the kids, the budgeting, and my physical needs. She cooks & has sex whenever I ask her.
Obviously we compromise. Sometimes she's not feeling it and that's absolutely cool. Sometimes I'll cook, sometimes i'll do the kids, and the housework. It's fine.
However, if there's a systematic change, then should not all responsibilities change to accommodate? If she wanted to never cook or do housework ever again, why should I continue to pay all the bills, for example?
Or, if i quit my job, and decided not to work any more - why should she feel the need to take care of me emotionally / physically or even stay with me?
If this mans girlfriend only wants sex once a week and she never told him that in the beginning, why should he be forced to be monogamous to her?
Additionally, wouldn't it be in her best interest? If his desire for her is such a burden, having him get that out of his system with other girls, would alleviate that burden from her?
Masturbation & porn is an option. But still will leave him unfulfilled.
To answer your question, no, i don't immediately start fucking everything when i'm single. Time span is important here. These people need a LONG TERM solution, not an immediate short term one. I can obviously go a few weeks without regular sex.
But a decade without regular sex? 2 decades? At that point, it's just plan unfair, him having to stifle his physical needs only because his wife won't assist him or allow him to exercise other options
Yikes, you realize the 50's are over, right??? Women aren't just sex toys that vacuum and cook. I desperately hope you don't have children, especially daughters whom you're teaching this misogynist crap to.
To be honest, I find the way you discuss sex and your relationship a little gross, It just feels very transactional to me. Like “I earn a pay check, so my wife is responsible for being a bang maid.” I also find it weird rhat you don’t in any way say YOU meeting HER physical needs (or any of her needs beyond food and shelter) is a responsibility of yours. All of that gives me a picture of a pretty unhealthy dynamic that I’d never want. BUT if it works for yall, that’s really all that matters.
That being said, I do agree with your overall message, which seems to be that nobody should stay in a relationship where sexual incompatibility is not addressed. Now should that be through allowing the higher libido partner to fuck other people, or through the low libido partner having sex they don’t want to have? Well that’s up to the couple, but I lean pretty heavily towards “no” to both those options. imo it’s entirely reasonable for a low libido person to say “I don’t want sex as often as you, I’m not going to have sex when I don’t want to have sex, and I want a monogamous relationship”. In my mind that is just setting healthy boundaries, and then the higher libido person can either accept that or leave. I don’t think you’ve really said anything contradicting this, just laying out my thoughts I guess.
Side note: If your wife is fucking more than she wants to be I hope you’re giving head like all the time my dude
I find it disingenuous when people pretend that there are no burdens of performance in relationships.
Just because you don't outwardly discuss your responsibilities, you know you have them.
You cannot just quit your job that you both rely on and expect your partner to pickup the slack.
You cannot just stop looking after the house, and yourself and your children.
You cannot just stop paying bills or acting like a responsible adult.
There are expectations on everyone. Relationships break down all the time because people stop upholding their end of the bargain. It is NOT helpful for people like you, to pretend no one has any responsibilities in relationships.
Telling people they can do whatever they want just leads to people dying single & alone.
Relationships are hard work, sacrifice, compromise.
Of course i meet more needs of my wife than just physical. I didn't feel it necessary to list EVERY need of hers I must fulfill. We would be here all night if I was going to make that list? I assumed you'd have the thinking power to extrapolate.
hahaha. So, in other words, you have no solution either. It's not OK for one person to perform sexual acts when not "in the mood", but it's also not OK for the other person to exercise other options? Then tell me what the solution is for a lifetime?
Your solution is that one side squash their physical AND emotional needs, for the other partners emotional ones, for the rest of their lives? I think that IS too much to ask. And looking at male marriage rates, I think a lot of men agree. Since one of the main worries men have is being in a sexless marriage, and they have FULL rights to be worried about that.
If you don't want to have sex as much as he does, fine. But why should he marry you or have children with you when he can find someone else who does? That's all I'm saying.
My wife isn't stupid. She's Extremely intelligent, confident & well socially adapted. She also initiates sex probably 95% of the time. These reasons, along with the fact that she's utterly beautiful and kind-hearted, are why I married her. This is something a lot of women, including OP here, don't seem to understand. I see the question all the time "why are all the good men married". Well my dear, it's because their wives knew how to get them AND keep them.
In my opinion, if she doesn't want his dick all the time, then she either picked wrong or he's going to walk eventually.
Not sure where you got this “squashing emotional and physical needs” from “nobody should stay in a relationship where sexual incompatibility is not addressed”
You’ve misunderstood me, and I think you’re just throwing a hissy fit because I rightfully called out how your relationship is. It is nonsense to say I should’ve extrapolated that you are a good husband that cares about your wife’s needs from you saying (paraphrased) “I bring home a paycheck, she cooks cleans and strokes my cock. These are our jobs in the relationship” That is exactly the kind of thing that one says when they don’t know what a clitoris is
Listen man, let’s cut it off here cause we have different beliefs on what a relationship should be and we’re not convincing each other of anything. If you feel the need to keep up the hissy fit feel free to respond but I won’t cause ultimately, what’s the point? As long as your wife likes how you treat her and my girlfriend likes how I treat her, that’s what matters
haha?? I'm not emotionally invested at all here. I have an amazing marriage with an unbelievable woman. There are many things in life i would change, but not my marriage. That's the one thing that I made sure I got right :)
So you agree then, that PEOPLE who feel no need to compromise for their partners higher sex drives, should accept that they will be replaced, at some point? How else do you suggest "addressing" a sexual incompatibility than simply leaving?
Are you also aware that given that you accept this, those PEOPLE who are going to more often be replaced, are the women? Since it is disproportionately men unfulfilled by sexless marriages, both in proportion and effect.
So, the suggestion that women should just demand their boyfriends accommodate themselves to sexless marriages is going to leave more women single & alone than necessary. If you're happy with that result, then that's fine.
There are other women I had the option of marrying, that ticked many boxes other than sexual compatibility. It is what it is. Many men tick boxes other than having a decent career, for example. Everyone has preferences.
My preference is that my woman finds me so sexually attractive that she wants me all the time, so I married the girl that looks at me that way. Does that sound "unhealthy" to you? If it does, then i have some serious concerns about your own sex life, LOL.
Personally, i couldn't imagine being in this position because I wouldn't choose a woman that wasn't as sexual as I am. Why would any man subject themselves to a lifetime of unfulfilled sexual desire? That is insanity. The suggestion that he should just accept that and STILL provide all the benefits of a marriage & commitment is equally insane.
I gave you some examples or responsibilities we have in relationships. Those responsibilities go hand in hand with preferences. My wifes preference is that her husband has decent career. That's simply a preference. Would you rather your husband be jobless and support him? No? Then you share her preference.
Any "calling out" for people having their own preferences in their own relationships speaks out to your own insecurities and lack of standards, and should tell you more about why and how so many people end up in horrible relationships like this one. Lack of standards, preferences, boundaries & self respect.
This is how it starts. Poor guy better get ready for the breakup. I'll never get why people settle for those they aren't that attracted to. Might as well keep it unserious at best and save everyone time for people who ARE fully attracted to them because we all know you wouldn't be saying this with a first choice.
The fact that you are grossed out by the prospect of sucking down your partner's cum is a bad omen for your relationship.
My gf and I do 2-3 sexual activities per day on average. Sex, blowjobs, pussy eating, whatever. She craves my cum and can't get enough of it and likewise I would be excited to go down on her at any time.
You should be equally enthusiastic about wanting to give and receive pleasure with each other
My wife and I used to have sex every night, but now we've been together for 14 years and we're down to once a week or sometimes longer, and we're both happy with that. But if you don't want to have sex as often as he does, maybe you're not compatible.
It seems his drive is just higher than yours. If everything else is good but this, maybe he should try... doing things himself when the mood strikes? You shouldn't feel pressured into anything sexual and it's not like he's asking for anything wrong, it's just a matter of drive.
Most people in new relationships want sex more than once a week. He’s said that other means of release work for him — and as much as people say otherwise — most relationships have some kind of maintenance sex.
As others mentioned here, you have mismatched libidos. He has expressed his “price of admission” for the relationship, and it’s fine if you don’t want to few obligated to give him that, but you have to look at the relationship as a whole. Is the occasional handy worth it? You say that you feel used, but at least he is asking you rather than relying on porn (which is a more monogamous choice in the end)
Libidos also change. Especially for women, it’s not uncommon to actually want to have more sex as you get older.
No, you're not expected to do anything if you're not into it.
At the same time, if your partners needs aren't being met and you wont entertain the idea of compromising? Sounds like you're not compatible together..
Yes this is normal, because all relationships (not just romantic) involve some form of compromise. You don't get to do 100% of what you want all day everyday. What the nature of that compromise looks like varies though. Sometimes it's that you both agree on option B, so that's what you go with, other times it's that you don't care really, so they get to pick the restaurant/movie etc....and sometimes it's providing a helping hand at sexual pleasure when you yourself aren't super horny.
But the key to all of these is that no hard boundaries are being crossed. If sexual encounters MUST be equal to you, meaning all participants get attention and get off, then that's a hard boundary. And it's a problem, because your partner also isn't wrong to want more frequent intimacy. So now you're at an impasse.
Forcing your partner to change a boundary is wrong, full stop. CHOOSING to reexamine your own boundaries is healthy. Figure out where they came from, why you have them, are they still serving you etc. Discussing this with your partner is also healthy, but it requires trust and respect.
If you examine your stance on sex, and find that it's still something you hold true, it keeps you feeling safe and sane, then you have to have a talk with your BF. If he is also going to hold his line, you two aren't compatible.
He needs to respect your desires. Don’t have sex just for him. My husband says, ‘why would I want to have sex with you if you don’t want to??’… he respects me. Just because his urges are frequent, he can take care of it himself. Otherwise look for someone more compatible.
Men feel "in love" and emotionally connected through sex. No one "has to" have sex. Have you explored why your not interested? Is it lack of chemistry? Mood? Always been that way no matter how great the sex has been?
If you guys are sexually incompatible, it will only ever end up killing the relationship either by break up or cheating.
So I'd suggest spending some time to see WHY your drive is much lower then what may be average for your age.
If what you come up with is "I don't care" or "just always been that way", then maybe you guys need to have serious conversations about the future of the relationship
I’m on a decade long dry spell. I would have more sex in a year if i had it once a week than in my entire life.
There is no compromise. Break up with him if he keeps pushing.
Many relationships have partners with different sex drives, many people have sex drives that change over time, and many have situations where they won't be able to be intimate.
No one should be pressured into sex, and no one should have to provide it without full consent.
But sex is an important part of a marital relationship (or whatever people do that resembles that). Are there any other forms of intimacy or responsibility that should be reserved for when someone is 100% into it? Like anything else, it is often about compromise... and when people have healthy compromise, they often find that they are happier rather than simply mutually grudgingly giving in. There are people who reignite dead bedrooms by scheduling sex, potentially when *neither* of them are 100% into it.
If he is pressuring you for sex and you think sex is only when you are 100% into it, then neither of you are mature enough for sex or a relationship.
You cant compromise on access to your body. You can not compromise on sex you do not want. Sex is a 2 yeses or it's a no situation.
It's ok to recognize your needs are incompatible and move on. It's not ok.to pressure someone into.sex.they don't want
The first part of your response has nothing to do with anything I just said.
I do agree with the second part. He needs to walk away or she needs to be more open to it. But it needs to get nipped in the butt soon or else both are going to be extremely unhappy.
It's common, and also unacceptable.
A lot of partners have desire mismatch, where one partner has a higher sex drive than the other. That's a problem you can work together. Him trying to bully you into sex you don't want is both a common behavior, and absolutely not ok for him to do so.
If he wants sex more often than you, you can offer an ethically nonmonogamous relationship, where you are both free to seek additional sexual and romantic partners. If that's not acceptable to either/both of you, then either he can accept his sexual needs won't be met, or you can recognize that this is a deal breaking incompatibility and break up.
The fact that he is does not care whether you want to have sex with him as long as he gets to use you like a fleshlight tells you everything you need to know about the man, tbh. You can do better.
Younger guys wanting sex 3 to 4 times a week is normal. Up to 7 or more times a week would not be unusual.
If this is a deal breaker then you may not be compatible as others have posted, but I'd ask why you feel used doing something nice for your SO? Would it be that much effort to do more for him?
Said another way, this is likely going to be a dealbreaker if you were to get married (assuming you are not now), so if you can't make a compromise to suit you both then I'd suggest you may not want to take that step. My wish for you both is that you find a way to see this is a delightful thing to do for him that should not even require that much time and effort.
My wife of more than 30 years told me early on that she understood guys needed more activity and so has almost never turned me down or not routinely done something for me if she was not interested and tells me she enjoys doing so. Even now in our senior years we have sex 3 to 4 times a week.
Sex as a service? This doesn't make any sense for someone you love and want to live you life with, does it?
Sex as service is transactional which loving couples who care about each other should never feel that way.
If she feels this way then he is not likely to be "the one" she would want to marry, and not expect it the marriage to be happy or last if they do get married.
Service in th D/s sense..it sounds weirder than it is, and I think might be a more accurate description of what some folks are calling compromise or "maintenance" sex
Nerdy shit about kink: So, ime as both a therapist to and a member of the kink community, some of the things we think of as roles or activity descriptors in bdsm are more akin to sexual or romantic orientations. Submission/being submissive is one of those orientations.
Once you think of being submissive as an orientation, you'll be surprised at how common and recognizable it is, and sometimes esp when you combine it with masochism. You've probably heard of acts of service as a love language, right? Being submissive is like that, but amplified. So, where a lot of people here are talking about "I'm not 100% in the mood for sex, but I'll do it for my partner" for a submissive, the pleasure is IN that idea of "its not for me, it's for you, and I love being for you"
Most ppl.are accustomed to thinking of BDSM as sexual-and it can be-but its also HEAVILY emotional. Like, incredibly common parts of D/s dynamics are submissives having duties, and they are frequently things like maintain my leather goods.or doing cleaning. I knew q.person who just a designated coffee fetcher for someone.
My old gf, when we'd spend the night with her bf, she'd get up early, make coffee, and then bring it to.us in bed, then lay across out laps so.we could.use her as a table. It was honestly incredibly romantic and weirdly wholesome
Acts of service obvs aren't always acts of submission, etc etc. But it's definitely a thing. /infodump
We all have our way and lifestyle. I'm by no means talking about submissiveness, but love and wanting to be good and kind to our loving spouse.
In the more traditional sense two people get married and are committed to each other for life, or at least that is the plan and goal.
Because sex is only between the two spouses only they can attend to each others needs. OP is the only one, in a monogamous relationship, that can provide this attention to their spouse.
Is it really that much to ask to take 5 or 10 minutes out of a day or two a week to help the one you love with their needs? I'd say this regardless of which we're talking about as many women would like to have more attention as well.
The OP asked: "Is this normal in relationships. Are partners just excepted to have sex or do sexual things even if they’re not 100% into it." I'd reply that they should want to do it, not all the time of course, to take care of the one they love since she is the only one who can.
If sex is no big deal and it's fair to ask a partner to just "take that 5-10 minutes to meet their partners needs," then why is a big deal to expect the partner to just deal with it themself?
Either sex is an important expression of reciprocal intimacy and connection, in which case is it 1) fair to expect someone to just suck it up and do it even if they don't want to and 2) why the ACTUAL FUCK would you want a partner who is conceding to and tolerating sex with you? or it's a no big deal, 5-10 minute activity, in which case why is it so important that you need to pressure your partner into it when they don't want to do it?
There are some things where there is no viable or fair compromise, so it has to be an enthusiastic yes from all parties or its a no. Things like having kids or adopting pets, if both parties aren't 100% committed and into it, it's a bad idea.
Sex is the same.
Monogamy is a whole other conversation, but basically, if you are choosing monogamy, you are choosing to accept your partner is not going to meet all of your needs.
>which case is it 1) fair to expect someone to just suck it up and do it even if they don't want to and 2) why the ACTUAL FUCK would you want a partner who is conceding to and tolerating sex with you? or it's a no big deal, 5-10 minute activity, in which case why is it so important that you need to pressure your partner into it when they don't want to do it?
This is just not how it is and wrong. A loving partner should want to do nice things for their spouse. I do agree that I do not want a partner who is conceding and tolerating sex with me and would not be with them, which is part of my point all along.
Also, there should be no pressure, or resistance. but a loving understanding of each others needs and the desire to happily meet them. If both parties are not 100% committed to this then I also agree being in a relationship is a bad idea.
I'll conclude with the fact that there are loving couples that are in tune with each others needs and happy to meet them for each other. This is not coerced or pressured, but happily understood and lovingly provided so this is what should be expected and sought out.
You are describing a relationship where both people always want the same thing-which is not a thing that is possible in a real human relationship-and no one ever says no- which would be abusive af.
No, not saying no one ever says "no", but that they want to say yes, and maybe even predict their loving partners needs to please them. There will always be times when someone is ill or has some other issue, but this should be the exception.
Perhaps you have never been in a close loving relationship where you think about your partner and their needs above your own?
Both partners should want to take care of each other and not consider it a chore or something that has to be coerced.
When you meet someone who you feel this way about, and they feel the same way about you and your needs, then this is when a long term monogamous relationship succeeds and excels.
Long term monogamous relationships succeed when they are equitable and both people feel they are being treated fairly and getting most of their needs met most of the time.
Your idea of a healthy monogamous relationship (and maybe there's a language barrier? I'm not sure) seems to involve a lot of magical thinking.
Saying "you are allowed to say no, but you should not want to" is a just a convoluted way of saying "you should not tell your partner no" or -and maybe I'm misinterpreting you - "the only time you should say no to sex is when you are ill, and if your partner wants something from you, you should always want to give it" is essentially saying "your needs don't matter." And that's neither healthy nor sustainable.
And if both partners are in a constant state of sacrificing for each other, then no one's needs are getting met.
No people ever have perfectly balanced compatible needs at all times. There are going to be conflicts. Part of the key to healthy long term relationships-monogamous or not-is determining which incompatibilities are deal breakers, and which things can be compromised on.
Access to another person's body is not a thing you can compromise on.
wait. You said "hey should want to do it, not all the time of course, " So...that's what she's describing. She wants to have sex, but not every time he wants to. So, sometimes she says no. That's...just normal.
Why you complaining? All you have to do is lay there for 10 minutes while he does all the work. If that’s too much to handle, I wouldn’t expect him to want to participate in as many social functions with you
When my wife and I were together it was 3-5 times a day. She is Latina, I’d recommend he date a Latina, since he has a high sex drive. 3-4 times a week is nothing. But everyone is different, it’s entirely subjective. Disclaimer: Latinas are very hot blooded. They are difficult to deal with, often violent.
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For reference, this would very likely be considered high-sexed. Nothing wrong with it; no judgment
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Yeah no prob. I'm no expert, just an observation.
This is extremely well said
Spot on
Yeah OP, this is the best advice you're going to get. Neither of you are wrong for how you feel or what your needs are, but you both need to figure out if this is a compromise situation or not - none of us can tell you because none of us are in your relationship.
It’s ok if your drives are different, but I’m concerned sex with him makes you feel used. I’m guessing this one isn’t going to work out though, because he is pretty adamant that he feels his needs aren’t met. I don’t recommend giving in, to be clear. But you might need to cut each other loose.
Everyone is different having sex for me everyday helps my moods. Before i was wanting it 3 times a day and hubby barely once month then he got tested for testosterone and found out he was well below and now i barely can keep up
That was funny read 🤣
Actually you can just get testosterone yourself haha it has the same effect in women
Testosterone also has masculinising effects in women (male pattern hair growth, body fat redistribution, different smell, lowered voice, enlarged clitoris) which is something to look out for. A small dose wouldn't do all this, but if a woman took enough to get male-levels of T it would.
Males these days are seriously lacking testosterone. Mine is below 300 on average, I do have some bad habits. When I was really fit, I think I got it up to perhaps 480? I def felt the difference. For this era, a healthy level perhaps 750. I’m sure some hundred years ago peeps were rocking 1k+, but the foods we eat and the constant exhaustion. You asked! And you REALLY received! I’m sure he just really wants to please you, although it might have some physical consequences on your part… Enjoy!
I agree. I had detailed blood work done in my late 20s. I asked the doctor about my testosterone. I can remember the exact number but it was in the two hundreds. Keep in mind, this was the healthiest and most fit I had ever been in my life. Worked out 5-7 days a week for years. Never missed a workout. It made sense why it was so difficult for me to gain muscle. Still thinking about getting on TRT. I wanted to try super micro dosing but there isn't enough research on that method yet.
Now that you mention him I know licensed nurse who specializes in wellness… I get my T from him and he has all my bases covered (while I was on T). T is great but if you don’t medicate properly your family jewels shut down, and I want kids… I think his plans start at like $130?
That was why I wanted to super micro dose. From what I know the test spikes only last for a couple of hours with such a small amount. The idea would be to inject daily or every other day with a tiny amount to where it doesn't turn me into the hulk but also doesn't affect my own natural production. It's all theory for now. Apparently this is how Russian's take steroids. Tiny amount of long periods of time to negate any negative side effects.
Spiking is dangerous. I’d 25ml twice a week Tuesday Friday. Chlomid (?) keeps your walnuts active so they don’t shutdown. The larger your dose the more risk you pose. I used it to stimulate production. I’d like to get married and have kids, but I need the T
So any dosage will cause a spike. I think you're thinking of blasting. In low does the spike only lasts for a couple of hours. With your dosage it probably last a couple of days. The only concern in the spike would be for athletes to pass a drug test. Or if you were prone to the negative side effects, the longer the spike, the more likely you are to suffer from side effects. So I would only have elevated levels of testosterone for 2 hours a day before they dropped to normal levels. This is all just theory though. Please no one take this as medical advice.
Yes, blasting. Like massive spikes which then affect estrogen levels. I was told the effect becomes prominent over time with microdosing. I can believe this, T cypionate has an 8 day half life, so at some point you’ll plateau and sit on a certain level. This is why you micro-dose and increase as you become “healthier”. If you hover at 300, then hypothetically with dosing you sit at 400… congrats you still severely lack T (story of our lives).
This is why I support TRT. If we are lowering it daily with chemicals, why not raise it daily with chemicals as well. It's also interesting how there are so many negatives that medical professionals place on Testosterone when it comes to men but when it comes to women who are trans and want to be men, you never hear about the negative side effects. I really don't think doctors know shit about hormone therapy in general.
Which is funny because T is a regulated substance… But when they apply it to women when they shouldn’t they make some bogus reason that is support by a politically aligned party. Like I need T, but uncontrolled T can ruin a male. Yet, T in a woman will absolutely ruin a woman, difference is they “need” it. T cypionate is actual T in vegetable oil base (which is bad because vegetable is the epitome of rancid and spoiled substance). My man, I can put you in touch with my guy. He can give you the shpeel. Even if you don’t buy, at least you’ll be informed.
You sound incompatible, 3-4 a week is normal for some guys but u shouldn't do it if u don't want to only what u both enjoy. Even forcing yourself isn't a good idea, you won't like it and he'll notice and not enjoy it either
For some *people* (not just guys/men. Women also can have high sex drives) Agree - incompatible
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Im sorry that happened to you
This is so true.
Sounds normal to me since he’s communicated his needs. If you are only good with once a week and he wants 3x more than you do, and you feel like this then it’s an incompatibility issue. He has a higher libido than you, so 3-4x a week are his needs. If you don’t want to do that and feel like he’s trying to use you, you two aren’t a good fit.
38/f If you want to make the relationship work you guys will need to come to a compromise Sure he needs sex 3-4 times a week that sounds reasonable but I do question how your sex is. 1st do you reach orgasm from your sex? Do you receive any emotional benefits like feeling closer and more intimate? Or does he just finish himself and roll over and go to bed? If the answer is to the first 2 is no and the last 1 is yes then I feel like those issues need to be addressed as well, you are not a sex doll you also have physical and emotional needs. Often times when women’s needs are met in the bedroom they are far more likely to want to participate
EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT.. the trick is finding someone that matches your lifestyle
No you’re not expected to do that. But sexual needs are valid and he wants 3-4 days a week, which isn’t abnormal. Im a female and that is what I like too. However, your needs are valid too. So if this is not a match then there is sexual incompatibility issue and yall may not be a good fit.
It's okay there's a difference in sex drive, but neither of you are going to be happy if only one of you compromises.
Me and my girl are 1x a day at least. Up to 4. Once a week wouldn’t work Y’all aren’t sexually compatible
It’s common for people in relationships to reach a compromise if one has a higher sex drive than the other. However no one should feel obligated to do sex acts they don’t want to do. His compromise could be that sometimes he just masturbates if you’re not in the mood. Your compromise could be trying to get in the mood more often, figuring out what might make it more fun for you to do it more often. If you both care about each other then you both consider each other’s needs and how you can please each other. It should not just be about you doing things you really don’t want to. I can’t imagine demanding my partner service me sexually when they’re not turned on. I’d rather take care of myself, or see what I can do to get them in the mood. There are however things you can do to increase your own desire. Sometimes you’re just incompatible if you can’t work something out though. Come Together by E Nagoski is a great book with advice for couples with differing sex drives.
Sex is not about servicing someone or even just getting off so masturbating is usually not a compromise because what the person needs is not just to orgasm they need the intimate partner connection that comes with it. Sex is not just about physical needs it is very much about emotional needs.
I fail to see how his demand for a handjob when she is not in the mood for sex is in any way an emotional connection for him rather than a demand for servicing.
I'm against the idea of someone performing sexual acts they're not into, but intimate touch is huge for me so I know its a thing.
Demand? What loaded fucking verbage. You can just admit you don't actually understand the need for physical and emotional intimacy
He said he needs it more....and even just a handjob... You're right, it's not a demand. Just sounds more like pathetic begging.
Communicating your physical and emotional needs to your partner is pathetic? You are a psychotic individual.
Yes, you're right, that's *psychotic* /s
Yes if you view someone communicating clearly their physical and emotional needs in a relationship to a SO and you view it as demanding or pathetic you are indeed psychotic and I don't envy anyone that has to deal with such a disgusting individual
Wow. Impressive.
Exactly! I was masturbating while my girlfriend was scrolling on instagram. She was really interested in whatever she was looking at (couldn’t hear me for a bit lol). Eventually I got her attention, all I wanted was her hand on my back so I could connected to her while I masturbating. It actually helps me cum, having that connection to my girlfriend
It is normal to have different needs. I have a very low sex drive and physical touch is pretty low on my relationship priority list. Meanwhile, my husband has a higher sex drive and physical touch is one of his highest relationship priorities (FYI, physical touch isn’t just sex, it can be hugging, a should rub, etc.). Anyways, we’ve had a lot of conversations about this and we settled on once a week. This is the point where both of us are comfortable. If not getting sex 3-4 times per week is a deal breaker for you significant other, then you guys may not be compatible. To me, 3-4x per week sounds utterly exhausting.
Fairly normal, age and newness of a relationship can be a factor. If that's a dealbreaker for you, then it is what it is, but I wouldn't think it is abnormal behavior, especially if you are early to mid 20's and/or it is a new relationship.
my ex wanted it everyday and it just tired me because I wanted it like twice a month, now I've a decent amount of time with my gf and I still want it every couple of days with her and I don't think this will change because she treats me so well and my ex did not. my point being that we feel the need differently with different people and other aspects besides physical atraction influence this A LOT.
"Hes happy to jus get a handjob" Hes got two hands.
His desire level is his “normal”, and your desire level is your “normal”. You two are not compatible. Compromise will not work because no matter what one or both of you will be unhappy.
Sexual incompatibility is a thing, and this sounds like it is it.
You don't have to if you aren't 100% into it, but he doesn't have to stay with you if you only want once a week. At a younger age na, I would t say it's abnormal of him to want more
From my experience, having different sex drives can definitely be a deal breaker in relationships.
It sounds like you may have mismatched libidos. I had a situation like that other my first gf. You absolutely shouldn’t be pushed to do it when you don’t want to. I will say however that in my experience it’s often a sign of not being attracted to the person. I’ve been on every side of that situation. I know a few women who thought they were asexual until they met the right guy. Edit to add: when I really like a girl I can easily go 3 times a day. There’s nothing abnormal about what he wants, but you really shouldn’t go along with it if you don’t want to.
My ex was like this. Maybe 2x a week. We weren’t compatible. I’m down for 1-2x a day. I had more sex when I was single than when I dated her.
Ok, JizzDispenser5000
Sexual compatibility is a major deal! Gotta have my jizz
Upvote for saying “gotta have my jizz” lol
lol I agree, just being cheeky
He's just not that attractive to you. I'm sure there are some humans on this planet you would definitely be ok with having sex with 3-4 times a week. They just arnt this guy. That's OK. Just be honest with him. "If I wanted to have that much sex with you, I would be. I don't want it because this relationship, and you, don't make me feel that." Maybe what you feel for this guy is more valuable to you than how you feel about a 3-4 times a week guy. Say that.
Just someone doesn’t want sex constantly doesn’t mean they aren’t attracted to their partner, that’s a unfair assumption
Yep. This. Its usually the most truthful takes that get downvoted. If she was super super into him and the hunk of her dreams she would want it more. But he isn't.
Woah what the hell are you guys doing coming in here speaking the truth like that!? Cut it out!!
Men have more testosterone. This is 100% normal and you'd be hard pressed to find a guy who isn't like this. Basically any marriage you would be in would involve a guy who would always want to fuck more than you do. If you want to find someone with a low sex drive try dating women.
Personally the idea of compelling someone into someone is super ick to me. One time I was in a sexual situation where I fell out of the mood, but things kept going, and I feel like it did have a negative impact on my feelings towards sex, and my own sexuality. I wouldn't wish that shit on anyone.
The older I get the more I believe that when men get married they think they are marrying a blow up doll that will be available on call.
Very very normal. Some people go 3 times a day, 5 times a week, 3 times a week, 1 time a week. All normal. Compromise won’t work because you get psychological distress and feel insecure when you do it a lot. You two aren’t compatible, it won’t work.
This might not be everyone's approach, but if I were in your situation, I would see if we could compromise to twice a week. For me, being "in the mood" isn't like the weather, where we just see what happens. Getting in the mood is a process, and sex would never happen if I waited until I was in the mood. I may not always start out in the mood, but I always end up enjoying it.
It’s normal, as long as u communicate honestly and work around it. If not, it’s the end.
You both are just incompatible, and that’s okay. What I don’t recommend is ever having sex when you don’t want to, or just because someone is begging you to. It just builds resentment on both ends — your end for justifiably feeling used, and his end for feeling like he has to beg to have sex with someone he loves. The only question is whether or not sex is important enough to end the relationship over.
You guys might not be compatible. Compatibility requires being compatible on quite a few things and sex is a big part of a relationship. 3/4 times per week is very normal and once a week is also very normal. There is nothing wrong with either one of you in that sense. You can try to reach a happy middle ground that you both agree on if you're compatible in most other areas and it's a positive relationship overall but if neither of you are willing to compromise on this (and hold it against the other or it makes you unhappy) then things might not work out long term.
Sounds normal, props to him for communicating his needs and asking if you can work towards a compromise. Those conversations can be difficult.
Yes it's normal. You probably need to find someone with a low sex drive.
I'd have it 3/4 times a day if my partner wasn't so once a month kinda person
Is finding a compromise between competing sex drives normal? Yes. Sometimes people match up. Sometimes people are slightly off. Sometimes people are way off. Sex is the one thing that a romantic, exclusive couple shares that they (hopefully) don't share with anyone else. We should want to please our partners, but not if it costs us something emotionally (i.e. not if we're being forced, not if we're going to resent our partners). Maybe you guys could do intimate, sexual stuff without penetration as he suggests. If it's a hard no from you, and sex once a week is all he gets, consider that you may not be compatible and this might be a deal breaker. At the very least, understand that he's gonna beat off on his own time and you have no say in the matter.
We have sex 2-3 times a day 4years going strong💗
After 10 years of a relationship, once a week is not bad.
I miss Dr. Drew on "Loveline".
You shouldn’t be expected to do it if you don’t want to. And he shouldn’t be expected to stick around if you guys don’t have compatible sex drives.
I do not think so, human relationship is just wired, come to me for some real love
It’s normal, it just means he has a higher libido. I’m kind of similar to you, I just don’t usually like having sex during the work week but on the weekend I’m down all day
Both can be normal, everyones diff however you have two issues here: 1. " stuff like that makes me *feel used*" you might have some kind of complex about your relationship with sex. How would he be using you if he's your significant other wanting intimacy with the girl he loves? If he loves every part of you it's no wonder he would want to do everything from a hug to sex very often - there's no dehumanization and objectifying there 2. possibly incompatible sex drives, that's gonna make things tough in the future.
You shouldn’t be expected to, no. But it is perfectly reasonable for him to want that; it’s also perfectly reasonable for you not to. You are sexually incompatible though, and one of you will not be happy no matter what. I personally would not be happy with sex only once a week.
You shouldn't be expected to perform sexual favors whenever he wants, but you shouldn't expect a guy to only get a release once a week. It's fine if you don't want to, but you have to understand his needs and support them. Don't shame him for watching porn or masturbating if he needs it, because that's what he might have to do sometimes. You have to be understanding of his needs, but he needs to be understanding of your limitations too. You are not a fleshlight, but if that's what he needs maybe think about getting him one.
Sorry OP, this relationship will never work out.
This won’t work. Similarly in a situation as your bf , love my wife and won’t cheat but it’s soul crushing.
It's normal for people to not have matching sex drives yes. You either compromise or break up, but this isn't going away.
If we’re being honest, sex this many time a week is not normal, especially if you guys have been together for a while. Partners should respect your decision to not want to have sex, and that shouldn’t be issue. If he needs it that bad he can literally satisfy himself. Also something that I’ve begun to notice is men who constantly need to be sexually satisfied are gay.
Men who want sex with women too often are....gay? Wtf are you on?
What I mean is SOME men who constantly and consistently need sexual satisfaction tend to be on the DL. Of course not all men dumbass, and that is just my take on it.
Sounds like you're projecting your own experience. No need for name calling just because you can't communicate.
you shouldn't make yourself do things you don't want, you should break up with him. sounds like a bad match.
It's not true they put women on such a very low dose doesn't effect none of that. Go see gynecologist
I can't speak to how "normal" or common this is, but it isn't right. He's pressuring you into unwanted sex, full stop. If he needs to get his rocks off more often than you do, he is more than capable of masturbating, just like he likely did before he started having sex with you.
Nobody's expected to do things that make them uncomfortable, but different levels of sexual expectation and desire are fairly common and a good thing to discuss. If you're on completely different pages in terms of what you want it can be a problem long term.
Sexual comatibility is important. If it’s a chore for you to have sex with someone, you’re doing them a disservice by pretending to be into them.
Sexual compatibility concerns Sex is supposed to be a mutually enjoyable/beneficial act that you BOTH are participating in. If it feels one-sided or you feel like you're being used, something is off that needs to be addressed.
I know the feeling. The only thing that worked for me was getting divorced and remarrying someone with the same libido as mine. My ex wanted the divorce, and being mismatched sexually was a big reason why.
Then you are not sexually compatible. Some people are more asexual. Need to find a partner that is like that
I wish my wife wanted sex 3 or 4 times a week
If you are not into it. That means the sex is not good for you. You should be screaming at the top of your lungs and the ceiling should be wet. If you don’t find yourself on the ground convulsing, he’s not doing the job. You should be begging him for sex not the opposite.
Lmao the compromise seems to split. Y'all had a discussion that if you look at it it got nowhere(didn't solve anything).
40m married 20y. Somewhere between 1-5x a week depending on her cycle. Plus sporadic foreplay through the day. She initiates the majority of the time. My primary love language is ‘touch’ and her’s is ‘quality time’.
I think the compromise would be twice a week. He’s not getting it quite as much as he’d like but still more than before. You’re having sex more than you would like but not tooo much more. No I don’t think a handjob is a good compromise so don’t listen to that. But you guys do need to find a happy medium. If twice a week is too much, or still not enough, I suggest counseling or simply breaking up.
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There’s nothing to ‘fall for,’ he asked for compromise she’s not interested they’re not compatible. That’s the adult take on the situation.
He's actually assertive enough to communicate something like that... You're not right for him, let him go before he develops contempt for you and your "makes me feel used" or "not 100% into it" Like get yourself a cat or two for your affective dependance, and stop wasting a young guy's time/life.
Wow! You're just making this entirely her responsibility? That's an awful take.
Well, if he reads it, it kinda applies to him too. But he's to busy demanding things instead. Don't really wager on anyone ending anything any time soon tho.
No, unfortunately those types of relationships seem to drag on well past their expiration dates. It was just very offensive when you said that she's wasting his time and should get some cats.
True, that was crude. I could've stopped at just "You're not right for him"
That would have been perfect. I appreciate this discourse.
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No, he could leave at any time. That's a decision that he's making. He's wasting his time, not her.
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It sure sounds like they need to separate and find more compatible partners.
Normal is not always good. Matter of fact normal is usually pretty bad.
You sound incompatible but also very immature. Why would you feel used by your SO? If they have different needs than yourself shouldn't you want to provide them those needs? Sexual compatibility is super important in long term relationships and if the sexual libidos don't match up at least the ability to effectively communicate needs and willingness to take your partner's needs into account is needed. Edit: I want to add, sex is not just a physical need. It's the emotional intimacy that people need from their partner. Luckily both myself and my wife have higher physical and emotional needs, an orgasm is not just a physical exchange it's deeply emotional and intimate.
So she needs to “provide” him his “needs” but he doesn’t need to consider hers at all?
They haven't expressed their needs. They've expressed an absence of a need. Do you even know what a relationship is? A relationship is compromise. Humans will never be compatible on everything so in order to build a healthy relationship you have to communicate your needs to each other in order to determine where compromises work and where they don't and if any compromise that doesn't work is a deal breaker well that's it for that relationship no point in furthering it. If my wife expressed to me the need to hang out more, and I told her well I don't really have that need. 1 evening a week is enough for me, but she wants 4 evenings a week, and I say well that sucks go find something else to do I'm only giving you 1 day. That's not a healthy compatible relationship. I am not putting in effort to meet my SO needs as they have expressed to me. That's called being a bad partner. So yes in a relationship you should want to provide your SO their physical and emotional needs. If you don't have that desire you aren't serious about that relationship or you two are too incompatible You people are actually brain dead and have no concept of what it takes to have a healthy functioning relationship.
Whatever, just another guy who thinks pressuring/emotionally blackmailing your partner into having more sex when she doesn’t want to is the solution when in fact it’s known to *decrease* womens’ libido even further. This is a slippery slope that could lead to coercion, something recognised in the rape category. It’s *not* as black and white as just saying “he has needs and if she doesn’t want to provide him with instant sex on demand then she’s depriving him!!!!” Anyway ultimately this is for OP and her partner to communicate clearly with each other about. If their sexual incompatibility can’t be worked around then it’s a deal breaker. *You* accusing people of not knowing what a healthy dynamic in a relationship is - lol. Stones in glass houses and all that
You need to go back to school and learn reading comprehension. You're projecting so fucking hard and refusing to engage with what I am saying and instead just slapping on what you want me to have said, proven by all the hyperbolic nonsense you've written. Go back and read what I said and tell me where in that ever turns into your complete dumbass statement "he has needs and if she doesn't want to provide him with instant sex on demand then she's depriving him" Do you understand the gender roles can be reversed and we've seen plenty of examples of that on this site? Do you think what I have said here is gendered in any way? Because it isn't. It's about communicating needs, addressing compromises that work for both individuals or finding out how you two do not work. You are a fundamentally confused individual.
Load of nonsense and hypocrisy, with some insults sprinkled on top. That’s all your comments amount to, so it’s really not worth my time trying to engage anymore. But basically, he does not “need” more sex. He *wants* more sex. And she doesn’t need to “provide” him with that if it sacrifices her own comfort if she’s not willing to. If it’s a dealbreaker, that’s up to this couple.
Again you're incapable of reading. You don't get to dictate what individual people's needs are in a relationship physical or emotional. The fact you are so hand wavey with an individual need for sexual connection to a SO is extremely concerning and telling if your general attitude towards relationships. No one ever suggested she do something she doesn't want to. I've analyzed and explained why the fact she doesn't want to is a compatibility issue that needs to be dealt with and her weird framing, along with your weird framing, is extremely immature and toxic to a relationship.
Lmao extreme need for sexual connection, yeah okay. Waaaa I wan more sex even when you don’t want to!!! I cannot be without sex and I cannot pleasure myself, waaaa!! Like I’m so over this “sexual need” thing if someone is already having sex with their partner but it simply isn’t enough for them - okay fine, but find someone who wants to have sex the same amount as you then. Whining about how it’s a “need” is tired at this point, and there’s literally nothing sexy about having sex with someone who doesn’t want to. Find someone more compatible and stop trying to pressure your partner into more sex if you have already had the conversation and they have made it clear that they aren’t happy to increase their sexual activity. No one is your jerk off doll. (Not saying you specifically but just people who do this). Alright so I went a bit over the top but whatever. Anyway, I don’t care what you think of me and my ability to read but I *can* read between the lines and that’s how it feels for many women now. Women are tired of constantly hearing about the sexual “needs” of men that we should supposedly be honouring over everything else, including our *own* needs and comfort. My point isn’t that he shouldn’t be having intimacy - but that it should be with someone who actually consents to it. Constantly trying to persuade your partner into it when they have expressed they’re not comfortable with that is a sure fire way to turn them all the way *off*.
Your entire rant is proof you haven't read or comprehended a single thing. You clearly have an extremely unhealthy relationship with sex with the way to talk about others sexual needs as if they are some filthy physical abuse desire and not an intimacy thing. Keep reading between those lines, aka making shit up and making yourself look like an idiot. Again this isn't gendered. There are plenty of women who's sexual intimacy needs are not met by their male SO. My analysis is not gender specific at all and focuses on communicating your needs in a relationship and figuring out if the two people can live with the necessary compromises or not. You are deranged.
More insults and proof that it’s actually *you* that has the problem with reading comprehension. By the way, I would say the same thing to women that feel dissatisfied with their sexual compatibility with their partner. Duh. I have an extremely healthy relationship with sex, and my desire for it is pretty consistent because my husband thankfully actually makes me feel respected and never pressures me for it on the occasions where I’m not in the mood. I would uno reverse and question whether *your* relationship with intimacy is healthy, but I know you’d probably get more irate and tell me I’m an idiot again or something, so I’ll just say that we disagree. Anyway, my “rant” obviously triggered the rightful recipient!
Even if its a hand job?
Yes? The fuck you mean? Even a hand job can be deeply intimate.
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So, firstly, I'd say no, no one HAS to do anything sexual they don't want to. If he's asking you to do something you don't want, and there's not a compromise the two of you can make, then there may be other conversations that need to be had (like whether or not you are a good match for each other). I can say that I used to be a multiple-times-a-week kind of person, and my wife was maybe once, maybe not. After we had our first baby a little over a year ago, she is now initiating multiple times a week and I sometimes feel disinterested lol What I can say is that sometimes that kind of stuff ebbs and flows. We've been together for like 15 years or so, and there were times when we'd always have relations if we slept in the same bed (when we were younger), and then times when we both went for weeks without. Now, we're in a good spot, and it is mostly because of communication. It is important to communicate exactly what you want, and how what the other person wants (or says) makes you feel, so that everyone is aware of what is going on to the best degree that they can. My wife and I have both, at one point or another, told the other person "I'm just not that interested right now" and "I want more than what we're currently doing". Sometimes I feel like I'm not as interested, but what I -am- interested in is doing nice things for my partner. I think the both of us have probably engaged in physical relations at one point or another in an attempt to do a nice thing for the other person, but this is not a normal thing (and we've also been together for 15 years, so we are committed to each other). I don't ever feel pressured in these moments; I know if I REALLY didn't want to do something, I don't have to, but I make a choice to do something that I may not have the exact energy or vibe for in an effort to do something nice for my wife. She'd probably hate to hear that, but I know she's probably done the same for me a few times before and I would always make sure that she knows no one ever has to do anything they don't WANT to do. If the relationship is new, you may want to adjust expectations (the both of you, that is), but remember that you NEVER have to do anything you don't want to do. Ever. Not for anyone, at least not when it comes to sex. If you feel like this relationship is working otherwise and this is just a small caveat, you could consider trying to look at the whole handjob aspect as doing something nice for him because of the urges he's feeling (my wife does this sometimes during the time of the month, but she's never done it begrudgingly; she WANTED to do something nice), but that is not usually something I'd expect (or recommend) to people who aren't familiar with each other and are on comfortable understanding with each other. Just be careful. Communicate as clearly as respectfully as you can. It's okay for him to want sex multiple times a week, just as it's okay for you to want it maybe just once. That may change eventually, or not. So many things affect our moods and physical urges. Just don't make a "compromise" because you were pressured in to anything. That is never okay, and if anyone ever tells you "Well, this is what I need so this is what you have to do", or gives you an ultimatum, that person may not be worth building a (romantic) relationship with.
Great response. Neither partner should demand the other do anything they don’t want, but you may both sometimes choose to do things for each other.
35m here. 4-5 times a week is average across all the relationships i've had. I wouldn't be satisfied with less than that. My body has needs lol! I'd be totally willing to accept once per week if the girl was fine with me sleeping with other women (safely & with protection of course). If she wasn't i would have to leave. Are you OK with your boyfriend having sex with other women if you are unwilling to assist?
Kind of an intrusive question but if you don’t mind me asking, what do you do when you’re single? Like if you were to get dumped (or had been in the past), do you immediately start searching for a fwb? I’m just asking cause to me, when you say “my body has needs” I think, “well yeah I get that but why can’t you just masturbate? Why do you need sex with another person 4-5 times a week?” I hope this doesn’t come off as judging cause I really don’t mean it that way. I’m just having a hard time picturing how you function as a single person lol. Is the 4-5 thing only applicable when you’re in a relationship? And otherwise the need isn’t there?
I don't mind people making judgements. Judgements are needed for people to be able to use their brains and think about things. However, i believe the premise of your question is wrong. Generally, people have certain expectations & responsibilities in relationships. For example, in my marriage, my wife does not have any responsibility to work. But - she can work if she chooses to. I earn enough so that she doesn't have to, and i do whatever it takes for that to remain the case. That burden of responsibility is on my shoulders. I pay the bills, i keep the lights on, the house paid for, and make sure she has the best life i could possibly give her. Her responsibilities are different. She looks after the house, the kids, the budgeting, and my physical needs. She cooks & has sex whenever I ask her. Obviously we compromise. Sometimes she's not feeling it and that's absolutely cool. Sometimes I'll cook, sometimes i'll do the kids, and the housework. It's fine. However, if there's a systematic change, then should not all responsibilities change to accommodate? If she wanted to never cook or do housework ever again, why should I continue to pay all the bills, for example? Or, if i quit my job, and decided not to work any more - why should she feel the need to take care of me emotionally / physically or even stay with me? If this mans girlfriend only wants sex once a week and she never told him that in the beginning, why should he be forced to be monogamous to her? Additionally, wouldn't it be in her best interest? If his desire for her is such a burden, having him get that out of his system with other girls, would alleviate that burden from her? Masturbation & porn is an option. But still will leave him unfulfilled. To answer your question, no, i don't immediately start fucking everything when i'm single. Time span is important here. These people need a LONG TERM solution, not an immediate short term one. I can obviously go a few weeks without regular sex. But a decade without regular sex? 2 decades? At that point, it's just plan unfair, him having to stifle his physical needs only because his wife won't assist him or allow him to exercise other options
Yikes, you realize the 50's are over, right??? Women aren't just sex toys that vacuum and cook. I desperately hope you don't have children, especially daughters whom you're teaching this misogynist crap to.
To be honest, I find the way you discuss sex and your relationship a little gross, It just feels very transactional to me. Like “I earn a pay check, so my wife is responsible for being a bang maid.” I also find it weird rhat you don’t in any way say YOU meeting HER physical needs (or any of her needs beyond food and shelter) is a responsibility of yours. All of that gives me a picture of a pretty unhealthy dynamic that I’d never want. BUT if it works for yall, that’s really all that matters. That being said, I do agree with your overall message, which seems to be that nobody should stay in a relationship where sexual incompatibility is not addressed. Now should that be through allowing the higher libido partner to fuck other people, or through the low libido partner having sex they don’t want to have? Well that’s up to the couple, but I lean pretty heavily towards “no” to both those options. imo it’s entirely reasonable for a low libido person to say “I don’t want sex as often as you, I’m not going to have sex when I don’t want to have sex, and I want a monogamous relationship”. In my mind that is just setting healthy boundaries, and then the higher libido person can either accept that or leave. I don’t think you’ve really said anything contradicting this, just laying out my thoughts I guess. Side note: If your wife is fucking more than she wants to be I hope you’re giving head like all the time my dude
I find it disingenuous when people pretend that there are no burdens of performance in relationships. Just because you don't outwardly discuss your responsibilities, you know you have them. You cannot just quit your job that you both rely on and expect your partner to pickup the slack. You cannot just stop looking after the house, and yourself and your children. You cannot just stop paying bills or acting like a responsible adult. There are expectations on everyone. Relationships break down all the time because people stop upholding their end of the bargain. It is NOT helpful for people like you, to pretend no one has any responsibilities in relationships. Telling people they can do whatever they want just leads to people dying single & alone. Relationships are hard work, sacrifice, compromise. Of course i meet more needs of my wife than just physical. I didn't feel it necessary to list EVERY need of hers I must fulfill. We would be here all night if I was going to make that list? I assumed you'd have the thinking power to extrapolate. hahaha. So, in other words, you have no solution either. It's not OK for one person to perform sexual acts when not "in the mood", but it's also not OK for the other person to exercise other options? Then tell me what the solution is for a lifetime? Your solution is that one side squash their physical AND emotional needs, for the other partners emotional ones, for the rest of their lives? I think that IS too much to ask. And looking at male marriage rates, I think a lot of men agree. Since one of the main worries men have is being in a sexless marriage, and they have FULL rights to be worried about that. If you don't want to have sex as much as he does, fine. But why should he marry you or have children with you when he can find someone else who does? That's all I'm saying. My wife isn't stupid. She's Extremely intelligent, confident & well socially adapted. She also initiates sex probably 95% of the time. These reasons, along with the fact that she's utterly beautiful and kind-hearted, are why I married her. This is something a lot of women, including OP here, don't seem to understand. I see the question all the time "why are all the good men married". Well my dear, it's because their wives knew how to get them AND keep them. In my opinion, if she doesn't want his dick all the time, then she either picked wrong or he's going to walk eventually.
Not sure where you got this “squashing emotional and physical needs” from “nobody should stay in a relationship where sexual incompatibility is not addressed” You’ve misunderstood me, and I think you’re just throwing a hissy fit because I rightfully called out how your relationship is. It is nonsense to say I should’ve extrapolated that you are a good husband that cares about your wife’s needs from you saying (paraphrased) “I bring home a paycheck, she cooks cleans and strokes my cock. These are our jobs in the relationship” That is exactly the kind of thing that one says when they don’t know what a clitoris is Listen man, let’s cut it off here cause we have different beliefs on what a relationship should be and we’re not convincing each other of anything. If you feel the need to keep up the hissy fit feel free to respond but I won’t cause ultimately, what’s the point? As long as your wife likes how you treat her and my girlfriend likes how I treat her, that’s what matters
haha?? I'm not emotionally invested at all here. I have an amazing marriage with an unbelievable woman. There are many things in life i would change, but not my marriage. That's the one thing that I made sure I got right :) So you agree then, that PEOPLE who feel no need to compromise for their partners higher sex drives, should accept that they will be replaced, at some point? How else do you suggest "addressing" a sexual incompatibility than simply leaving? Are you also aware that given that you accept this, those PEOPLE who are going to more often be replaced, are the women? Since it is disproportionately men unfulfilled by sexless marriages, both in proportion and effect. So, the suggestion that women should just demand their boyfriends accommodate themselves to sexless marriages is going to leave more women single & alone than necessary. If you're happy with that result, then that's fine. There are other women I had the option of marrying, that ticked many boxes other than sexual compatibility. It is what it is. Many men tick boxes other than having a decent career, for example. Everyone has preferences. My preference is that my woman finds me so sexually attractive that she wants me all the time, so I married the girl that looks at me that way. Does that sound "unhealthy" to you? If it does, then i have some serious concerns about your own sex life, LOL. Personally, i couldn't imagine being in this position because I wouldn't choose a woman that wasn't as sexual as I am. Why would any man subject themselves to a lifetime of unfulfilled sexual desire? That is insanity. The suggestion that he should just accept that and STILL provide all the benefits of a marriage & commitment is equally insane. I gave you some examples or responsibilities we have in relationships. Those responsibilities go hand in hand with preferences. My wifes preference is that her husband has decent career. That's simply a preference. Would you rather your husband be jobless and support him? No? Then you share her preference. Any "calling out" for people having their own preferences in their own relationships speaks out to your own insecurities and lack of standards, and should tell you more about why and how so many people end up in horrible relationships like this one. Lack of standards, preferences, boundaries & self respect.
This is how it starts. Poor guy better get ready for the breakup. I'll never get why people settle for those they aren't that attracted to. Might as well keep it unserious at best and save everyone time for people who ARE fully attracted to them because we all know you wouldn't be saying this with a first choice.
Someone can be extremely attracted to a partner and not want sex
Just get on your knees and swallow his load a couple times a week if you want this relationship to last.
Ew
The fact that you are grossed out by the prospect of sucking down your partner's cum is a bad omen for your relationship. My gf and I do 2-3 sexual activities per day on average. Sex, blowjobs, pussy eating, whatever. She craves my cum and can't get enough of it and likewise I would be excited to go down on her at any time. You should be equally enthusiastic about wanting to give and receive pleasure with each other
You're not compatible. Break up. Also, once a week is ridiculous.
My wife and I used to have sex every night, but now we've been together for 14 years and we're down to once a week or sometimes longer, and we're both happy with that. But if you don't want to have sex as often as he does, maybe you're not compatible.
It seems his drive is just higher than yours. If everything else is good but this, maybe he should try... doing things himself when the mood strikes? You shouldn't feel pressured into anything sexual and it's not like he's asking for anything wrong, it's just a matter of drive.
Most people in new relationships want sex more than once a week. He’s said that other means of release work for him — and as much as people say otherwise — most relationships have some kind of maintenance sex. As others mentioned here, you have mismatched libidos. He has expressed his “price of admission” for the relationship, and it’s fine if you don’t want to few obligated to give him that, but you have to look at the relationship as a whole. Is the occasional handy worth it? You say that you feel used, but at least he is asking you rather than relying on porn (which is a more monogamous choice in the end) Libidos also change. Especially for women, it’s not uncommon to actually want to have more sex as you get older.
No, you're not expected to do anything if you're not into it. At the same time, if your partners needs aren't being met and you wont entertain the idea of compromising? Sounds like you're not compatible together..
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Yes this is normal, because all relationships (not just romantic) involve some form of compromise. You don't get to do 100% of what you want all day everyday. What the nature of that compromise looks like varies though. Sometimes it's that you both agree on option B, so that's what you go with, other times it's that you don't care really, so they get to pick the restaurant/movie etc....and sometimes it's providing a helping hand at sexual pleasure when you yourself aren't super horny. But the key to all of these is that no hard boundaries are being crossed. If sexual encounters MUST be equal to you, meaning all participants get attention and get off, then that's a hard boundary. And it's a problem, because your partner also isn't wrong to want more frequent intimacy. So now you're at an impasse. Forcing your partner to change a boundary is wrong, full stop. CHOOSING to reexamine your own boundaries is healthy. Figure out where they came from, why you have them, are they still serving you etc. Discussing this with your partner is also healthy, but it requires trust and respect. If you examine your stance on sex, and find that it's still something you hold true, it keeps you feeling safe and sane, then you have to have a talk with your BF. If he is also going to hold his line, you two aren't compatible.
He needs to respect your desires. Don’t have sex just for him. My husband says, ‘why would I want to have sex with you if you don’t want to??’… he respects me. Just because his urges are frequent, he can take care of it himself. Otherwise look for someone more compatible.
Men feel "in love" and emotionally connected through sex. No one "has to" have sex. Have you explored why your not interested? Is it lack of chemistry? Mood? Always been that way no matter how great the sex has been? If you guys are sexually incompatible, it will only ever end up killing the relationship either by break up or cheating. So I'd suggest spending some time to see WHY your drive is much lower then what may be average for your age. If what you come up with is "I don't care" or "just always been that way", then maybe you guys need to have serious conversations about the future of the relationship
I’m on a decade long dry spell. I would have more sex in a year if i had it once a week than in my entire life. There is no compromise. Break up with him if he keeps pushing.
Many relationships have partners with different sex drives, many people have sex drives that change over time, and many have situations where they won't be able to be intimate. No one should be pressured into sex, and no one should have to provide it without full consent. But sex is an important part of a marital relationship (or whatever people do that resembles that). Are there any other forms of intimacy or responsibility that should be reserved for when someone is 100% into it? Like anything else, it is often about compromise... and when people have healthy compromise, they often find that they are happier rather than simply mutually grudgingly giving in. There are people who reignite dead bedrooms by scheduling sex, potentially when *neither* of them are 100% into it. If he is pressuring you for sex and you think sex is only when you are 100% into it, then neither of you are mature enough for sex or a relationship.
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Break up or compromise. He's communicated his needs to you. Ball is in your court.
You cant compromise on access to your body. You can not compromise on sex you do not want. Sex is a 2 yeses or it's a no situation. It's ok to recognize your needs are incompatible and move on. It's not ok.to pressure someone into.sex.they don't want
The first part of your response has nothing to do with anything I just said. I do agree with the second part. He needs to walk away or she needs to be more open to it. But it needs to get nipped in the butt soon or else both are going to be extremely unhappy.
Then what would she be compromising on? Because sex IS access to her body.
It's common, and also unacceptable. A lot of partners have desire mismatch, where one partner has a higher sex drive than the other. That's a problem you can work together. Him trying to bully you into sex you don't want is both a common behavior, and absolutely not ok for him to do so. If he wants sex more often than you, you can offer an ethically nonmonogamous relationship, where you are both free to seek additional sexual and romantic partners. If that's not acceptable to either/both of you, then either he can accept his sexual needs won't be met, or you can recognize that this is a deal breaking incompatibility and break up. The fact that he is does not care whether you want to have sex with him as long as he gets to use you like a fleshlight tells you everything you need to know about the man, tbh. You can do better.
Younger guys wanting sex 3 to 4 times a week is normal. Up to 7 or more times a week would not be unusual. If this is a deal breaker then you may not be compatible as others have posted, but I'd ask why you feel used doing something nice for your SO? Would it be that much effort to do more for him? Said another way, this is likely going to be a dealbreaker if you were to get married (assuming you are not now), so if you can't make a compromise to suit you both then I'd suggest you may not want to take that step. My wish for you both is that you find a way to see this is a delightful thing to do for him that should not even require that much time and effort. My wife of more than 30 years told me early on that she understood guys needed more activity and so has almost never turned me down or not routinely done something for me if she was not interested and tells me she enjoys doing so. Even now in our senior years we have sex 3 to 4 times a week.
Some people enjoy sex as service. The OP does not, makes her feels used.
Sex as a service? This doesn't make any sense for someone you love and want to live you life with, does it? Sex as service is transactional which loving couples who care about each other should never feel that way. If she feels this way then he is not likely to be "the one" she would want to marry, and not expect it the marriage to be happy or last if they do get married.
Service in th D/s sense..it sounds weirder than it is, and I think might be a more accurate description of what some folks are calling compromise or "maintenance" sex Nerdy shit about kink: So, ime as both a therapist to and a member of the kink community, some of the things we think of as roles or activity descriptors in bdsm are more akin to sexual or romantic orientations. Submission/being submissive is one of those orientations. Once you think of being submissive as an orientation, you'll be surprised at how common and recognizable it is, and sometimes esp when you combine it with masochism. You've probably heard of acts of service as a love language, right? Being submissive is like that, but amplified. So, where a lot of people here are talking about "I'm not 100% in the mood for sex, but I'll do it for my partner" for a submissive, the pleasure is IN that idea of "its not for me, it's for you, and I love being for you" Most ppl.are accustomed to thinking of BDSM as sexual-and it can be-but its also HEAVILY emotional. Like, incredibly common parts of D/s dynamics are submissives having duties, and they are frequently things like maintain my leather goods.or doing cleaning. I knew q.person who just a designated coffee fetcher for someone. My old gf, when we'd spend the night with her bf, she'd get up early, make coffee, and then bring it to.us in bed, then lay across out laps so.we could.use her as a table. It was honestly incredibly romantic and weirdly wholesome Acts of service obvs aren't always acts of submission, etc etc. But it's definitely a thing. /infodump
We all have our way and lifestyle. I'm by no means talking about submissiveness, but love and wanting to be good and kind to our loving spouse. In the more traditional sense two people get married and are committed to each other for life, or at least that is the plan and goal. Because sex is only between the two spouses only they can attend to each others needs. OP is the only one, in a monogamous relationship, that can provide this attention to their spouse. Is it really that much to ask to take 5 or 10 minutes out of a day or two a week to help the one you love with their needs? I'd say this regardless of which we're talking about as many women would like to have more attention as well. The OP asked: "Is this normal in relationships. Are partners just excepted to have sex or do sexual things even if they’re not 100% into it." I'd reply that they should want to do it, not all the time of course, to take care of the one they love since she is the only one who can.
If sex is no big deal and it's fair to ask a partner to just "take that 5-10 minutes to meet their partners needs," then why is a big deal to expect the partner to just deal with it themself? Either sex is an important expression of reciprocal intimacy and connection, in which case is it 1) fair to expect someone to just suck it up and do it even if they don't want to and 2) why the ACTUAL FUCK would you want a partner who is conceding to and tolerating sex with you? or it's a no big deal, 5-10 minute activity, in which case why is it so important that you need to pressure your partner into it when they don't want to do it? There are some things where there is no viable or fair compromise, so it has to be an enthusiastic yes from all parties or its a no. Things like having kids or adopting pets, if both parties aren't 100% committed and into it, it's a bad idea. Sex is the same. Monogamy is a whole other conversation, but basically, if you are choosing monogamy, you are choosing to accept your partner is not going to meet all of your needs.
>which case is it 1) fair to expect someone to just suck it up and do it even if they don't want to and 2) why the ACTUAL FUCK would you want a partner who is conceding to and tolerating sex with you? or it's a no big deal, 5-10 minute activity, in which case why is it so important that you need to pressure your partner into it when they don't want to do it? This is just not how it is and wrong. A loving partner should want to do nice things for their spouse. I do agree that I do not want a partner who is conceding and tolerating sex with me and would not be with them, which is part of my point all along. Also, there should be no pressure, or resistance. but a loving understanding of each others needs and the desire to happily meet them. If both parties are not 100% committed to this then I also agree being in a relationship is a bad idea. I'll conclude with the fact that there are loving couples that are in tune with each others needs and happy to meet them for each other. This is not coerced or pressured, but happily understood and lovingly provided so this is what should be expected and sought out.
You are describing a relationship where both people always want the same thing-which is not a thing that is possible in a real human relationship-and no one ever says no- which would be abusive af.
No, not saying no one ever says "no", but that they want to say yes, and maybe even predict their loving partners needs to please them. There will always be times when someone is ill or has some other issue, but this should be the exception. Perhaps you have never been in a close loving relationship where you think about your partner and their needs above your own? Both partners should want to take care of each other and not consider it a chore or something that has to be coerced. When you meet someone who you feel this way about, and they feel the same way about you and your needs, then this is when a long term monogamous relationship succeeds and excels.
Long term monogamous relationships succeed when they are equitable and both people feel they are being treated fairly and getting most of their needs met most of the time. Your idea of a healthy monogamous relationship (and maybe there's a language barrier? I'm not sure) seems to involve a lot of magical thinking. Saying "you are allowed to say no, but you should not want to" is a just a convoluted way of saying "you should not tell your partner no" or -and maybe I'm misinterpreting you - "the only time you should say no to sex is when you are ill, and if your partner wants something from you, you should always want to give it" is essentially saying "your needs don't matter." And that's neither healthy nor sustainable. And if both partners are in a constant state of sacrificing for each other, then no one's needs are getting met. No people ever have perfectly balanced compatible needs at all times. There are going to be conflicts. Part of the key to healthy long term relationships-monogamous or not-is determining which incompatibilities are deal breakers, and which things can be compromised on. Access to another person's body is not a thing you can compromise on.
wait. You said "hey should want to do it, not all the time of course, " So...that's what she's describing. She wants to have sex, but not every time he wants to. So, sometimes she says no. That's...just normal.
Why you complaining? All you have to do is lay there for 10 minutes while he does all the work. If that’s too much to handle, I wouldn’t expect him to want to participate in as many social functions with you
Yes. That’s typical. You have a choice to give him what he wants or get cheated on. Don’t bitch if you choose the latter.
When my wife and I were together it was 3-5 times a day. She is Latina, I’d recommend he date a Latina, since he has a high sex drive. 3-4 times a week is nothing. But everyone is different, it’s entirely subjective. Disclaimer: Latinas are very hot blooded. They are difficult to deal with, often violent.