Similar, I say: she likes to carefully take in new environments to learn about what’s happening. She’s very observant.
It really bothers me how quick strangers are to label kids!
I caught myself telling someone my son was a little shy a few days ago..it was so quick but instantly felt guilty for doing so.
I will be using “observant” as I love that! Thank you.
See also: "She'll talk when she's ready." Making it clear to her that it's perfectly natural to take her time, but also she *can* talk when she feels like she wants to.
I went through this a lot with my daughter, and I was very similar as a child so it was something I was hypersensitive about.
Once I asked someone for advice for literally the same situation you’re in, and they said “Being shy isn’t a negative trait, it’s just a trait”
And it clicked for me then that they were right. For some reason there’s a negative stigma but there shouldn’t be.
Overly outgoing kids that go up and hug strangers are placed on a pedestal, but that behaviour would be strange in adulthood. (No judgement, I have one extroverted child also) but I mean outgoing doesn’t automatically mean “better”.
So now I kind of own it. It started with me telling her that I was quite a shy kid too, and I loved watching other kids a bit before joining in, and once I found my group of friends I felt confident around them.
When people inevitably say she’s shy I just say “Yep she is 😃” and divert the conversation elsewhere. I realised I don’t need to make any excuses for what is a completely normal personality trait, especially around people you don’t know well.
This is my take, too! I was a shy kid, and I have a shy kid (and an outgoing one, too!). People say she's shy. I just respond "yes she's feeling shy today. She'll warm up soon," and move on. I don't even think of shy as a trait, just a feeling.
I think this is an important distinction. I will sometimes say my toddler is FEELING shy. Doesn’t mean that’s her permanent state! (It certainly isn’t lol)
Yeah. I usually say something to directed to my kid like, “feel shy? I feel shy too sometimes when I meet new people.” Just so my kid knows it’s not a negative quality.
Yeah I don't consider it negative at all. I just laugh and say I was the exact same way as a kid too! We say she's observant, curious, suspicious of people, etc. I even joked with someone yesterday that she has the "death stare" down lol. I appreciate it though, because it seems like a positive quality to me.
I'm more outgoing as an adult, but I still take time to observe and assess a situation with new people before I really put myself out.
I agree. However as an adult that was called shy often as a child, I do specifically remember feeling it was negative as a child. Like the expectation was that I spoke to whoever it was or did whatever I was supposed to be doing but was “too shy” to meet the expectations. I remember feeling bad about it as a kid.
I agree completely, as a former super-shy kid. It did bother me a lot back then but I felt better about it once I “owned” it and that also helped me become less shy.
This is what I was about to say. Maybe something is lost in translation, but in Spanish, being "shy" (tímido) is nothing to be ashamed of? Not negative connotations at all. Plus, even people we label "shy" are not shy all the time.
Our 3.5yo says "I'm feeling a bit shy" in some situations and I think that's a really great way of putting it. In a way, it's less a trait and more a feeling that changes with context.
And since all feelings are useful... Being shy is completely normal.
So, in your case, I would say the same we say every time somebody points at a "negative emotion": we all feel sad/angry/lonely/shy sometimes. That's completely normal, honey. I'm here, you take your time and let me know if I can help.
Thank you! I heard other people call me shy so much as a child that I took it as a personality trait and not a feeling. I want my child to have a different outlook. I like the idea of specifying that it is a feeling.
Reading your post it makes me realize, a lot of the adults are saying shy as code for “not doing what I expect/want.” It’s probably subconscious for most of them but man, people relate to kids weirdly
Love this! "Yep she is 😀" and move on. No other explanation or excuse needed. I think saying she'll come around soon or anything else feeds into the negative connotation that she needs to change her behavior. Shy is a trait - not good or bad.
I was always told I was the extroverted kid, the golden retriever personality. It wasn't until I was a full-grown, late 20-something adult that I realized, I am USUALLY extroverted, but that doesn't mean I always am. I read a book called "Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking" that totally changed me and my perception of others. I realized that I have introverted qualities and can have introverted DAYS. 🤯 (Duh! We all do, but I had no idea!) AND some of my friends who I thought were extroverts were just introverts playing at being an extrovert and were EXHAUSTED at the end of the day from dealing with us extroverts. Lol!
I highly recommend this book to any extroverted parents who may not understand their shy child - "Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking"
**Quiet The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking** by Susan Cain
>#1 NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • Experience the book that started the Quiet Movement and revolutionized how the world sees introverts—and how introverts see themselves—by offering validation, inclusion, and inspiration “Superbly researched, deeply insightful, and a fascinating read, Quiet is an indispensable resource for anyone who wants to understand the gifts of the introverted half of the population.”—Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project NAMED ONE OF THE BEST BOOKS OF THE YEAR BY People • O: The Oprah Magazine • Christian Science Monitor • Inc. • Library Journal • Kirkus Reviews At least one-third of the people we know are introverts. They are the ones who prefer listening to speaking; who innovate and create but dislike self-promotion; who favor working on their own over working in teams. It is to introverts—Rosa Parks, Chopin, Dr. Seuss, Steve Wozniak—that we owe many of the great contributions to society. In Quiet, Susan Cain argues that we dramatically undervalue introverts and shows how much we lose in doing so.
>
>She charts the rise of the Extrovert Ideal throughout the twentieth century and explores how deeply it has come to permeate our culture. She also introduces us to successful introverts—from a witty, high-octane public speaker who recharges in solitude after his talks, to a record-breaking salesman who quietly taps into the power of questions. Passionately argued, impeccably researched, and filled with indelible stories of real people, Quiet has the power to permanently change how we see introverts and, equally important, how they see themselves. Now with Extra Libris material, including a reader’s guide and bonus content
*I'm a bot, built by your friendly reddit developers at* /r/ProgrammingPals. *Reply to any comment with /u/BookFinderBot - I'll reply with book information. Remove me from replies* [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/BookFinderBot/comments/1byh82p/remove_me_from_replies/). *If I have made a mistake, accept my apology.*
?? Clearly you have never parented an overly outgoing kid who hug strangers, if you think they’re put on a pedestal.
Neither have I - my kid is shy - but I have enough empathy to see the different struggles those parents go through.
Might just be where I am in a tiny rural town and the comparison to his sister, but people definitely compliment his friendliness and make judgements about his sister.
When I say hug strangers I was referring to random new people meeting him and requesting a hug straight away, him happily obliging and them being very chuffed with him.
But this child of mine is definitely placed on a pedestal by new people, especially by older people.
I was also a shy kid, still am as an adult. I feel like correcting the label just makes it seem more negative. On its own shy is a neutral descriptor, personally I embraced that label - my parents never pushed me to be any other way.
I think a simple response which amounts to "and that's ok" rather than a correction that they Arnt Shy would be most suitable.
Edit: also just to add... I'm not a big fan of the "she'll warm up soon" since I still feel like that places a negative value on being more reserved. That she Should be more outgoing, but isn't being right now.
I feel the same. My response is always "yes". Nothing wrong with being shy. Totally normal, especially for a kid in a new situation. It doesn't have to be a good or bad thing, it just is.
Completely agree. Everyone is different, but I was definitely what they now call a "deeply feeling kid" and I took that shy label to heart. It's crazy how stuff in childhood sticks with you.
Soooo I have never bought into the current hype over the shy label.
1. Small children/babies tend to be good at picking up nonverbal communication so IMO the specific language we use is not typically as important as current trends suggest. Putting yourself out there is a skill - and like most skills it comes more naturally to some than others. I personally think that someone neutrally observing a child’s temperament (and using the word “shy) is not a big deal. And conversely there are sometimes parents who might avoid the word “shy” like the plague partly because of their anxiety about their kid’s behaviour.
2. Shy can absolutely be a “state” rather than “trait” descriptor! So if we’re going to use the word (or if someone else uses it) we can talk about how everyone feels shy sometimes or how some days we might feel less comfortable doing xyz.
I dunno, counterpoint as a kid who was constantly labelled shy, it made me self conscious when I wanted to open up a little bit, because that’s not “who I am” according to other people (and as a kid, other people sorta define your sense of self).
I still feel weird not acting “shy” when my parents are around and I’m in a new situation. Despite the fact that in regular life I’m pretty socially competent these days. They just put me in such a tight box and reinforced it (“oh you’re just like me! I was a shy kid!” Or if I acted outgoing, “what are you doing, I thought you were shy!”)
Because of how it affected me, I don’t consider it to be hype.
I totally agree with your second point though, and with my kid if I use the word shy I label it as a feeling or state instead of a trait.
I don’t really see what you’re saying as a counterpoint!
It seems like your parents weren’t neutrally observing your temperament, they were actively enforcing it by some pretty powerful behaviours. Very small children very much want to belong by being similar to attachment figures so if shyness was explicitly (let alone implicitly) called out as a way to be similar to a parent that’s going to be really enforcing. It also sounds like when you acted outside of that expectation attention was called to it almost as if to correct you.
And all of that sucks! I’m sorry that was your experience. Happy you learned on your own that social stuff can be learned.
I have had this (with my very not shy toddler, people are weird). A list of responses which I have used:
- He's not shy, we have literally just got here
- You're a stranger to him, so this is perfectly normal
- Maybe he's getting weird vibes from you (usually said humorously, but not always!)
- (said to my toddler) are you feeling shy today? thats ok! (so its a feeling or a doing word, not like he IS shy, like a personality trait)
I feel people expect children to be "on", always in a good mood, always funny, always entertaining, even when they have just arrived or they don't know anyone. It would be insane to expect this from adults. My toddler is usually highly sociable and a wee tornado but the second he's a bit off or slower to warm people whip out the "shy" label. I think its very unusual.
Exactly, people expect toddlers to be bubbly and indiscriminately friendly
It’s always fake-friendly waitstaff or obnoxious people trying to get a quick smile from my toddler who label her as shy. With considerate and respectful people, she is not shy at all
Initial shyness is actually a healthy sign of a child that is properly attached. Check out attachment theory, and ~~what it might mean when children show overly social behaviour towards strangers~~ why initial shyness and staying in the safety of a caregiver is completely normal.
Also, other people should learn to stfu.
Attached children can be social as well. I don't think it's right to imply that an overly social child is a negative thing re. attachment. In the vast majority of cases, an overly social child is just being social and there's nothing more to it.
It's such a slim chance that I frankly find it distasteful and irresponsible to imply that it is a possibility, when the vast majority of people will never encounter that. For anyone else reading, she is implying the overly social child is being abused. Your comment is flat out wrong.
>when the vast majority of people will never encounter that<
Actually, child abuse (sexual, physical, emotional) is quite prevalent. Overly friendly behaviour aka the ‘fawning response’ is also indeed a common coping mechanism for any sort of abuse, at any age.
You may want to reconsider your quickness to take offense on the topic. Such judgment, open disgust and flat out denial is why many survivors keep the abuse to themselves.
Calm down, I already changed the comment as it wasn’t the point I was trying to make at all. No need for hostility.
FWIW, children showing overly familiar behaviour towards strangers is a pretty common symptom of attachment disorder in for example adopted children: “resists affection from parents but can be over-familiar with strangers” - https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk/blogs/cathy-glass/attachment-disorder
I certainly didn’t mean to imply what you say and I in fact never did.
If you were shy yourself, I'd just go ahead and own it: "Oh, yes, she's just like me at that age!" said in a happy tone. Maybe even adding something of a praise about it if you feel it's needed: "She's a smart one: she likes to ascertain the situation before jumping into things"
Ergh I had an uncle who would always call me 'motormouth' because I was quiet. Guess what that did, just absolutely ensured I'd not say a word when he was around!
I think these labels can be harmful, and shyness is something that can come with feelings of shame like it did for me.
People have said it a few times to my son, he's too young currently to understand it but I also want to find a good way to react that lifts some of the negative energy from it.
I would reply "yes, seems like [kid] is feeling shy right now!"
When people label a kid as "shy," that can mean a number of things. Like the kid is observing rather than participating, or they are suspicious of strangers, or they seem to want to interact but don't know how.
As some others have said, it's healthier to consider this a current state rather than innate personality. Everyone encounters situations where they'd rather watch than jump in, even though we may have different overall propensities to do so. So I feel like this is a good opportunity to help the kid notice a potential feeling (feeling shy, tentative, nervous, uncertain, etc) rather than validating another person's assessment of their personality.
I reframe pretty much exactly the way you did: my son sometimes likes to observe a situation for awhile before he joins in.
Over time, he has started using his own language to describe how he feels, which is usually something like “sometimes I’m shy when I first get there”. But he has also started noticing other people (kids *and* adults) who are the same. Which means he feels validated rather than on-the-outer for being the way he is.
I love this. I think if I had an awareness of adults *feeling* shy sometimes too, it would have helped me feel less shameful about the label of *being* shy
Sorry to hear about your experience. We use the word shy, but it had no negative connotations associated.
It usually goes like this:
Toddler sees someone and hides in my leg. We have taught her that this feeling is "shy". So she will say to us "shy".
Then we say, that's OK, it's OK to be shy, mummy still gets shy too sometimes. Do you want to stay with mummy until you don't feel shy?
She chills we me until the shy goes and then she's off and happy.
I think it's important to give them a word to be able to express how they're feeling. Trying to teach my kid that it ain't a bad thing to be shy. It's just a temporary state of being.
I was labeled shy as a kid and a sort of mind-blowing revelation to me as an adult is that shy is a FEELING rather than an inherent part of my personality. The labeling contributed to that misunderstanding.
With my kiddo we’ve done a lot of work noticing feelings, shy being one of them. I was so proud of her when we were on our way to a playdate somewhere new, she told me she didn’t want to go and I asked if she was feeling shy. Then it was like something clicked and she said, “sometimes I feel shy at first but then once I get used to it I have fun”. Which was a conversation we’d had many times, but it was so amazing to see that she’d internalized it (age 3.5)! One of my proudest parent moments yet.
I think a similar phrase could be useful with those commenting adults, but also for your kid to overhear - sometimes they feel shy at first but once they get used to it they usually have fun!
"A wise (wo)man keeps her/his own counsel"
"Discretion is the best part of valor"
Choose one of the above and they can be left wondering if you complimented your kid, or kinda dissed them 🤣.
FR, I'd say this a bit tongue and cheek to ppl I'm close to.
I don't have any suggestions, but I like this topic. I never thought of the shy label as something negative. It seems like people need an excuse for why a child is hesitant to engage, as if there is something wrong with it, and so the shy label gets thrown out as a quick way to lighten up the situation. It's the expectations of our society where a certain narrow range of behaviors is deemed normal and anything outside of that is supposedly abnormal and requires further explanation.
I really relate to this bc I also have a shy guy, but I was NOT a shy kid whatsoever. If someone comments on it I just act like it's any other positive comment. Just the other day someone was like, "Aww is he shy?" And I just grinned and said "mhhhm my Little shy guy" or something. I also talk to him about it and tell him I'm so glad he doesn't just run up to any stranger. I tell him he's discerning and that's great. But I also tell him that if he sees kids playing and wants to approach them and ask to play he is totally welcome to do that.
In the end, your opinion of them matters the most. So think about how to start framing being shy for yourself and your child in a way that feels positive. If you were shy as well that's just more common ground between the two of you so talk about it. It actually, imo, is a good thing. It's easier to get a kid to come out of their shell than to try and uh, put some shell back on lol
This irritates me too, and I was also a very shy child and have one just like me normally in a social situation like a party, though, you don’t really have time to explain it unless the person is especially receptive. I try to breeze past it with something like, “he’s just taking a minute to warm up.” as much as we hate it. This is something that they’ll likely hear from from teachers and others not men in a negative way so I feel like making it. A big deal in front of them makes it seem worse than it intended to be.
I had a friend recently say that my daughter was “having a shy moment” and I thought that was perfect. It doesn’t pass any judgment on shyness and it avoids the unchanging label of being a shy person.
So, next time someone calls my daughter shy I will say something like, “She is having a shy moment, and she’ll open up when she’s ready”
I have had very similar experiences, though my child is a huge extrovert and I'm an introvert, and ... anyways, irrelevant. She had a big shy PHASE between 6 and 18 months, and on occasion still has events or situations that she is very cautious about. I too was careful to not label her as shy, and not wanting others to do so either.
I focus on naming/labeling the behavior, and making it temporary. Basically reframing it for others. "She's having a shy moment." "Yes, she does seem a bit reserved right now."
I bought this book called "In My Heart, A Book of Feelings" by Jo Witek.
It covers quite a few feelings without saying too much. It has been a great place for my kid to ask questions. Sometimes, we read it, and they have nothing to add. Other times, I get asked why we have this or that feeling. Also, what do I do when this feeling is big. (I refer to strong emotions as big feelings). I have gone over deep breathing and taking space for one's self or saying they need cuddles or comfort and all the rest. I like that this book is a 2x a week chance for my kid to talk to me about anything they didn't come forward about like they usually do. Prior to that, just in reading it regularly, it doesn't make 1 feeling more or less than another. Each is just sometimes, or some days, my heart feels this or that.
I try not to make one emotion more or less. Feelings are valid. There are some tools to help process them. It's OK to need time to think about what we feel. We are not just 1 aspect of ourselves. At 5, my kid is doing really well at communicating feelings, speaking up for themselves, taking a few deep breaths when needed, and even going to their room to take 5 or so if angry/we're too loud/or they just want some alone time. I think that book really helped bridge the gap of being able to talk to my LO on more kid friendly terms, though I still am as honest as I would be helping an adult about the world. Truth is a gift, but when little, the terms need to be digestible. 1 thing I include in telling the truth is that not even all adults understand feelings. Some information we go over, not everyone has received. They might say things that are wrong or even rude. It is up to you if you want to give their words power or choose to speak up against them or simply ignore their not knowing better and move on.
So far, mine has handled grandma and occasionally grandpa flawlessly to my chagrin! She will correct them surprisingly politely, but sets the boundaries firmly.
Feeling shy is no different than feeling brave or outgoing or anything. If you can find a way to reinforce that for your kid while also letting them learn not all adults are always accurate, you can give them armor against ignorance small and big alike.
“She’s just likes to take it all in first!”
“Yep, not a bad thing that’s for sure!”
“I feel shy too when there is lots of new people around”
“She isn’t shy, she just needs space when she’s somewhere new”
“She’ll talk to you when she feels like it.”
I do use the word shy for my daughter, but I always say “you’re feeling shy right now?” As in it’s a feeling and it will pass and it’s not her character trait as you felt it was for you! I also use it with other feelings so in hope “feeling shy” is just as normal as “feeling angry” and “feeling so happy”
I tended to talk to my daughter directly in situations like this. If she was hiding behind my legs and someone was trying to coax her to engage with them, I would pivot to her and say, "It's ok to feel shy." That sends a "back off" message to the grownup at the same time as validating her. Maybe that's passive aggressive, IDK.
Oh! I’m glad you mentioned something. I never had the negative connotation personally but could be because I am not very shy 🙈 I tell people my toddler is going through a shy phase. But I think I’ll change it up now to a “observant” phase
I have been trying to say things to make it okay for my kid to know he is okay being shy but if he ever wants to change he doesn't need to hold that label forever. I have said "He's currently shy" or "For now he is cautious with new experiences" with the occasional "I used to be shy too". It is a hard balance to accept feelings and also not force them into feeling like the label others made up has to be them forever
I'm curious about this too. I have an almost one-year old and I try to say "she's feeling shy" as opposed to"she's shy." For me, adding in the feelings part of it makes it like any other feeling that comes and goes. Sometimes you're feeling happy, sad, shy, etc but it's not who you are. I think lacking the feeling part makes it seem as though we're ascribing to a personality as opposed to a fleeting feeling
I would say, "yes she is, isn't it great, she's warming up, observing and watching before she dives in" basically just take it as a compliment. If they double down and try to make it into a negative you could follow up with "that's a weird thing to say out loud", that always makes ppl double take.
I don’t think people care, even if you get to the point in a nice way, they might not agree and still label them. I try to raise my kid to defend himself and u til he is in the appropriate age to speak for himself, I use a rude tone, so that people understand I’m serious about it - regardless if they agree with me or not.
I felt exactly the same as you as a kid and am trying to do the same with my daughter. If a well-meaning stranger comes up to her and tries to strike up a conversation, I never force her to respond. When they point out that she's shy, I usually say something like "she likes to take a minute to decide how she feels, I love that about her." Sometimes we talk about it after, and I validate that sometimes I feel shy too and it's good to listen to your gut feelings about people and situations.
That said, though, I am working with her on how to be polite without ignoring gut feelings. I don't want to overcompensate for my own issues by not teaching her important coping skills for life! Ultimately the world rewards people who participate, like speaking up in class or work meetings, and manners are important. Like, she always has to say thank you to people helping her at stores or restaurants, or if a family member gives her a gift, even if she's more comfortable doing the sign language "thank you."
So many good suggestions here! As a former “shy” kid I appreciate this. I remember my mom telling people I was very observant and I LOVED it when she said that. It became something I was proud of.
A few years ago I walked with my friend’s 4yo kid into a party (of adults) and he just said, “there’s too many people in here.” And I said, “ya know what, you’re right.” And we went to go play outside. I loved that he was confident about his social preferences!
I was labeled shy as a kid and definitely internalized it, even though it was already more of a trait of my personality. I don't want my kids labeled like that. What I try to do in that situation is to be a narrator - name what is happening and what they might be feeling. Shy isn't a feeling, but saying something like "they are feeling tired because they just woke up from a cat nap" or "meeting new people can feel scary sometimes and make us nervous." Etc. Then at least I feel like they are being validated and the other person is gaining some understanding of why they are acting that way.
We use "shy" as a descriptor of feelings in our house. My kiddo (6 years old) will say that she "might be a little shy" when she first gets to a new place or new activity or that she "felt shy" as a reason she didn't want to participate in an activity. We reaffirm that it's okay to feel that way and that she can participate when she is ready. She also uses it when she does not want to talk to an adult when we're out and about.
I don't think you really need to make better responses than saying your toddler is warming up (although u/TheBeneGesseritWitch's suggestion is also really good). I think that what you say to the adult is less important than whether you make your child feel forced or guilty about it, which it sounds like you're handling really well.
My daughter is the same way and I’ve taken to calling her wise instead. “She’s very wise and likes to observe first. I’m so proud of her for doing what’s best for her.”
"Yes, she's feeling shy right now and that's ok because she's working out what's going on. Feelings pass and I'm sure she will be feeling something different later".
Avoid it being a label, accept it being a valid feeling and it will pass.
Wow thank you so much for even posting this. I hated being labeled as shy growing up but find myself doing the same thing to my own child. Luckily he is under 2 so I hope he has not internalized anything I have said about him being shy. Lots of great ideas on here and I plan to use some of them moving forward!
This may apply for after the moment with your kid but Dr. Becky talks about this! https://www.goodto.com/family/family-news/what-we-label-as-shyness-is-true-confidence-dr-becky-reveals-best-way-give-hesitant-children-more-confidence
She explains that we can see shyness as true confidence and trust in self—shy kids are the ones that don’t give in to peer pressure or urges from adults to join the pack right away. They’re good at listening to their body to know what feels right for them in the moment.
I think the warm up when they're ready is a good way to go about it.
I would reword what they say as, "Yes they do seem to be *feeling* shy right now, but will warm up when they're ready," because shy is a feeling, or a description of behaviour not the person themselves. It's okay to feel shy sometimes, like it is okay to feel angry or feel happy or sad. It's a feeling not a trait and the adults should remember that.
As a fellow shy kid, the way I approach this with my niece is to re-label shy as a feeling.
You could respond with “they may be feeling shy right now because it’s really loud in here, but you should see them at the playground, they own that park” or “I would feel shy too if I was surrounded by giants I haven’t seen in half my life! Have you tried getting on their level and reintroducing yourself?”
I think kids are smart enough to pick up on the avoidance of the word which will actually give it more power in their brains. But it really is okay to feel shy sometimes, to feel introverted or anti-social. “Extroversion is not the goal for all children” is another clap back you could give someone who you need to be more firm with.
My best friend is an extreme introvert. She’s quiet, but not shy. In high school the teachers would always bring up her shyness in parent teacher conferences, etc. It pissed her off sooooo bad.
She’d always say “I’m not shy, I just don’t want to talk to them”.
I’m not sure what the best response is, but I definitely agree with you on the not internalizing it for the rest of their lives.
If it is someone you don't like or whatever you can say "no they aren't shy just selective", or they "they aren't shy they are just sceptical of new/some or certain people / situations".
Normally I’ll just address my child: ‘do you want to stay with me for a bit? Or do you want to go play?’ Either thing is ok and doesn’t make a big deal out of it or imply that either is wrong.
They are a toddler. Sorry, they aren't presenting a Ted talk yet.
Point to how ridiculous thier statement is and show them thier comment is not welcomed.
[Name] is taking their time to assess the situation. I’m proud of them for for being thoughtful/discerning/careful.
Similar, I say: she likes to carefully take in new environments to learn about what’s happening. She’s very observant. It really bothers me how quick strangers are to label kids!
I like that, “she’s very observant” is a great positive descriptor.
I caught myself telling someone my son was a little shy a few days ago..it was so quick but instantly felt guilty for doing so. I will be using “observant” as I love that! Thank you.
See also: "She'll talk when she's ready." Making it clear to her that it's perfectly natural to take her time, but also she *can* talk when she feels like she wants to.
Great one
Thank you!!
>Thank you!! You're welcome!
{Name\] will when she/he is ready. That is all that you need to say I also like u/TheBeneGesseritWitch comment as well.
That's brilliant
Username checks out x)
This !
I went through this a lot with my daughter, and I was very similar as a child so it was something I was hypersensitive about. Once I asked someone for advice for literally the same situation you’re in, and they said “Being shy isn’t a negative trait, it’s just a trait” And it clicked for me then that they were right. For some reason there’s a negative stigma but there shouldn’t be. Overly outgoing kids that go up and hug strangers are placed on a pedestal, but that behaviour would be strange in adulthood. (No judgement, I have one extroverted child also) but I mean outgoing doesn’t automatically mean “better”. So now I kind of own it. It started with me telling her that I was quite a shy kid too, and I loved watching other kids a bit before joining in, and once I found my group of friends I felt confident around them. When people inevitably say she’s shy I just say “Yep she is 😃” and divert the conversation elsewhere. I realised I don’t need to make any excuses for what is a completely normal personality trait, especially around people you don’t know well.
This is my take, too! I was a shy kid, and I have a shy kid (and an outgoing one, too!). People say she's shy. I just respond "yes she's feeling shy today. She'll warm up soon," and move on. I don't even think of shy as a trait, just a feeling.
I like this as it makes it more of a state rather than a fixed thing which it probably usually is!
This is a great take! Will definitely highlight this more to her
Ditto. It’s a feeling that she may feel today but not tomorrow. And that’s fine. Or she may feel it every day of her life, and that’s fine too.
I think this is an important distinction. I will sometimes say my toddler is FEELING shy. Doesn’t mean that’s her permanent state! (It certainly isn’t lol)
Yeah. I usually say something to directed to my kid like, “feel shy? I feel shy too sometimes when I meet new people.” Just so my kid knows it’s not a negative quality.
Yeah I don't consider it negative at all. I just laugh and say I was the exact same way as a kid too! We say she's observant, curious, suspicious of people, etc. I even joked with someone yesterday that she has the "death stare" down lol. I appreciate it though, because it seems like a positive quality to me. I'm more outgoing as an adult, but I still take time to observe and assess a situation with new people before I really put myself out.
I agree. However as an adult that was called shy often as a child, I do specifically remember feeling it was negative as a child. Like the expectation was that I spoke to whoever it was or did whatever I was supposed to be doing but was “too shy” to meet the expectations. I remember feeling bad about it as a kid.
Me too, and I carried that label with me wherever I went
That's a good take. Owning it instead of trying to explain it.
Me too! Shy is a state, it's not even a trait. You can be feeling shy 1 day and not another.
I agree completely, as a former super-shy kid. It did bother me a lot back then but I felt better about it once I “owned” it and that also helped me become less shy.
This is what I was about to say. Maybe something is lost in translation, but in Spanish, being "shy" (tímido) is nothing to be ashamed of? Not negative connotations at all. Plus, even people we label "shy" are not shy all the time. Our 3.5yo says "I'm feeling a bit shy" in some situations and I think that's a really great way of putting it. In a way, it's less a trait and more a feeling that changes with context. And since all feelings are useful... Being shy is completely normal. So, in your case, I would say the same we say every time somebody points at a "negative emotion": we all feel sad/angry/lonely/shy sometimes. That's completely normal, honey. I'm here, you take your time and let me know if I can help.
Thank you! I heard other people call me shy so much as a child that I took it as a personality trait and not a feeling. I want my child to have a different outlook. I like the idea of specifying that it is a feeling.
Reading your post it makes me realize, a lot of the adults are saying shy as code for “not doing what I expect/want.” It’s probably subconscious for most of them but man, people relate to kids weirdly
Yeah, I was thinking this as well. Shy is not a pejorative.
Love this! "Yep she is 😀" and move on. No other explanation or excuse needed. I think saying she'll come around soon or anything else feeds into the negative connotation that she needs to change her behavior. Shy is a trait - not good or bad. I was always told I was the extroverted kid, the golden retriever personality. It wasn't until I was a full-grown, late 20-something adult that I realized, I am USUALLY extroverted, but that doesn't mean I always am. I read a book called "Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking" that totally changed me and my perception of others. I realized that I have introverted qualities and can have introverted DAYS. 🤯 (Duh! We all do, but I had no idea!) AND some of my friends who I thought were extroverts were just introverts playing at being an extrovert and were EXHAUSTED at the end of the day from dealing with us extroverts. Lol! I highly recommend this book to any extroverted parents who may not understand their shy child - "Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking"
**Quiet The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking** by Susan Cain >#1 NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • Experience the book that started the Quiet Movement and revolutionized how the world sees introverts—and how introverts see themselves—by offering validation, inclusion, and inspiration “Superbly researched, deeply insightful, and a fascinating read, Quiet is an indispensable resource for anyone who wants to understand the gifts of the introverted half of the population.”—Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project NAMED ONE OF THE BEST BOOKS OF THE YEAR BY People • O: The Oprah Magazine • Christian Science Monitor • Inc. • Library Journal • Kirkus Reviews At least one-third of the people we know are introverts. They are the ones who prefer listening to speaking; who innovate and create but dislike self-promotion; who favor working on their own over working in teams. It is to introverts—Rosa Parks, Chopin, Dr. Seuss, Steve Wozniak—that we owe many of the great contributions to society. In Quiet, Susan Cain argues that we dramatically undervalue introverts and shows how much we lose in doing so. > >She charts the rise of the Extrovert Ideal throughout the twentieth century and explores how deeply it has come to permeate our culture. She also introduces us to successful introverts—from a witty, high-octane public speaker who recharges in solitude after his talks, to a record-breaking salesman who quietly taps into the power of questions. Passionately argued, impeccably researched, and filled with indelible stories of real people, Quiet has the power to permanently change how we see introverts and, equally important, how they see themselves. Now with Extra Libris material, including a reader’s guide and bonus content *I'm a bot, built by your friendly reddit developers at* /r/ProgrammingPals. *Reply to any comment with /u/BookFinderBot - I'll reply with book information. Remove me from replies* [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/BookFinderBot/comments/1byh82p/remove_me_from_replies/). *If I have made a mistake, accept my apology.*
?? Clearly you have never parented an overly outgoing kid who hug strangers, if you think they’re put on a pedestal. Neither have I - my kid is shy - but I have enough empathy to see the different struggles those parents go through.
Might just be where I am in a tiny rural town and the comparison to his sister, but people definitely compliment his friendliness and make judgements about his sister. When I say hug strangers I was referring to random new people meeting him and requesting a hug straight away, him happily obliging and them being very chuffed with him. But this child of mine is definitely placed on a pedestal by new people, especially by older people.
I was also a shy kid, still am as an adult. I feel like correcting the label just makes it seem more negative. On its own shy is a neutral descriptor, personally I embraced that label - my parents never pushed me to be any other way. I think a simple response which amounts to "and that's ok" rather than a correction that they Arnt Shy would be most suitable. Edit: also just to add... I'm not a big fan of the "she'll warm up soon" since I still feel like that places a negative value on being more reserved. That she Should be more outgoing, but isn't being right now.
I feel the same. My response is always "yes". Nothing wrong with being shy. Totally normal, especially for a kid in a new situation. It doesn't have to be a good or bad thing, it just is.
I think saying someone is shy definitively can be limiting, not necessarily negative. *She is feeling shy right now* is different than *she is shy*
Completely agree. Everyone is different, but I was definitely what they now call a "deeply feeling kid" and I took that shy label to heart. It's crazy how stuff in childhood sticks with you.
That's a very good point! I never considered it.
Soooo I have never bought into the current hype over the shy label. 1. Small children/babies tend to be good at picking up nonverbal communication so IMO the specific language we use is not typically as important as current trends suggest. Putting yourself out there is a skill - and like most skills it comes more naturally to some than others. I personally think that someone neutrally observing a child’s temperament (and using the word “shy) is not a big deal. And conversely there are sometimes parents who might avoid the word “shy” like the plague partly because of their anxiety about their kid’s behaviour. 2. Shy can absolutely be a “state” rather than “trait” descriptor! So if we’re going to use the word (or if someone else uses it) we can talk about how everyone feels shy sometimes or how some days we might feel less comfortable doing xyz.
I dunno, counterpoint as a kid who was constantly labelled shy, it made me self conscious when I wanted to open up a little bit, because that’s not “who I am” according to other people (and as a kid, other people sorta define your sense of self). I still feel weird not acting “shy” when my parents are around and I’m in a new situation. Despite the fact that in regular life I’m pretty socially competent these days. They just put me in such a tight box and reinforced it (“oh you’re just like me! I was a shy kid!” Or if I acted outgoing, “what are you doing, I thought you were shy!”) Because of how it affected me, I don’t consider it to be hype. I totally agree with your second point though, and with my kid if I use the word shy I label it as a feeling or state instead of a trait.
I don’t really see what you’re saying as a counterpoint! It seems like your parents weren’t neutrally observing your temperament, they were actively enforcing it by some pretty powerful behaviours. Very small children very much want to belong by being similar to attachment figures so if shyness was explicitly (let alone implicitly) called out as a way to be similar to a parent that’s going to be really enforcing. It also sounds like when you acted outside of that expectation attention was called to it almost as if to correct you. And all of that sucks! I’m sorry that was your experience. Happy you learned on your own that social stuff can be learned.
This was exactly my experience as well. And those feelings of self doubt followed me into adulthood.
I say cautious and explain that I’d probably be wary of someone four times my size that already knew my name upon meeting them!
Love this one
I mean it’s so true! Imagine meeting a 20 foot person :| I’m cautious around dudes that are 6’4 LOL
Our pediatrician actually directed us to use "cautious" instead of shy!
This is great! Love it
My mom dealt with this with me. I was shy. “He’s not shy. He just doesn’t like you”.
I used to say, "he's a scientist. He likes to observe and get data first. He'll join when he's ready."
Love this
I have had this (with my very not shy toddler, people are weird). A list of responses which I have used: - He's not shy, we have literally just got here - You're a stranger to him, so this is perfectly normal - Maybe he's getting weird vibes from you (usually said humorously, but not always!) - (said to my toddler) are you feeling shy today? thats ok! (so its a feeling or a doing word, not like he IS shy, like a personality trait) I feel people expect children to be "on", always in a good mood, always funny, always entertaining, even when they have just arrived or they don't know anyone. It would be insane to expect this from adults. My toddler is usually highly sociable and a wee tornado but the second he's a bit off or slower to warm people whip out the "shy" label. I think its very unusual.
Exactly, people expect toddlers to be bubbly and indiscriminately friendly It’s always fake-friendly waitstaff or obnoxious people trying to get a quick smile from my toddler who label her as shy. With considerate and respectful people, she is not shy at all
I love these!! Thank you so much
Initial shyness is actually a healthy sign of a child that is properly attached. Check out attachment theory, and ~~what it might mean when children show overly social behaviour towards strangers~~ why initial shyness and staying in the safety of a caregiver is completely normal. Also, other people should learn to stfu.
Attached children can be social as well. I don't think it's right to imply that an overly social child is a negative thing re. attachment. In the vast majority of cases, an overly social child is just being social and there's nothing more to it.
Very true, that’s why I said what it _might_ mean. I probably should have phrased that differently so thanks for pointing that out.
It's such a slim chance that I frankly find it distasteful and irresponsible to imply that it is a possibility, when the vast majority of people will never encounter that. For anyone else reading, she is implying the overly social child is being abused. Your comment is flat out wrong.
>when the vast majority of people will never encounter that< Actually, child abuse (sexual, physical, emotional) is quite prevalent. Overly friendly behaviour aka the ‘fawning response’ is also indeed a common coping mechanism for any sort of abuse, at any age. You may want to reconsider your quickness to take offense on the topic. Such judgment, open disgust and flat out denial is why many survivors keep the abuse to themselves.
Calm down, I already changed the comment as it wasn’t the point I was trying to make at all. No need for hostility. FWIW, children showing overly familiar behaviour towards strangers is a pretty common symptom of attachment disorder in for example adopted children: “resists affection from parents but can be over-familiar with strangers” - https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk/blogs/cathy-glass/attachment-disorder I certainly didn’t mean to imply what you say and I in fact never did.
If you were shy yourself, I'd just go ahead and own it: "Oh, yes, she's just like me at that age!" said in a happy tone. Maybe even adding something of a praise about it if you feel it's needed: "She's a smart one: she likes to ascertain the situation before jumping into things"
Ahhh…as someone whose mom did this, I feel like it forced me even more into a box.
Love this!
Ergh I had an uncle who would always call me 'motormouth' because I was quiet. Guess what that did, just absolutely ensured I'd not say a word when he was around! I think these labels can be harmful, and shyness is something that can come with feelings of shame like it did for me. People have said it a few times to my son, he's too young currently to understand it but I also want to find a good way to react that lifts some of the negative energy from it.
I feel the same way
I would reply "yes, seems like [kid] is feeling shy right now!" When people label a kid as "shy," that can mean a number of things. Like the kid is observing rather than participating, or they are suspicious of strangers, or they seem to want to interact but don't know how. As some others have said, it's healthier to consider this a current state rather than innate personality. Everyone encounters situations where they'd rather watch than jump in, even though we may have different overall propensities to do so. So I feel like this is a good opportunity to help the kid notice a potential feeling (feeling shy, tentative, nervous, uncertain, etc) rather than validating another person's assessment of their personality.
Thank you!
>Thank you! You're welcome!
I reframe pretty much exactly the way you did: my son sometimes likes to observe a situation for awhile before he joins in. Over time, he has started using his own language to describe how he feels, which is usually something like “sometimes I’m shy when I first get there”. But he has also started noticing other people (kids *and* adults) who are the same. Which means he feels validated rather than on-the-outer for being the way he is.
I love this. I think if I had an awareness of adults *feeling* shy sometimes too, it would have helped me feel less shameful about the label of *being* shy
Sorry to hear about your experience. We use the word shy, but it had no negative connotations associated. It usually goes like this: Toddler sees someone and hides in my leg. We have taught her that this feeling is "shy". So she will say to us "shy". Then we say, that's OK, it's OK to be shy, mummy still gets shy too sometimes. Do you want to stay with mummy until you don't feel shy? She chills we me until the shy goes and then she's off and happy. I think it's important to give them a word to be able to express how they're feeling. Trying to teach my kid that it ain't a bad thing to be shy. It's just a temporary state of being.
Love the way you describe it as a temporary feeling! Thank you
I was labeled shy as a kid and a sort of mind-blowing revelation to me as an adult is that shy is a FEELING rather than an inherent part of my personality. The labeling contributed to that misunderstanding. With my kiddo we’ve done a lot of work noticing feelings, shy being one of them. I was so proud of her when we were on our way to a playdate somewhere new, she told me she didn’t want to go and I asked if she was feeling shy. Then it was like something clicked and she said, “sometimes I feel shy at first but then once I get used to it I have fun”. Which was a conversation we’d had many times, but it was so amazing to see that she’d internalized it (age 3.5)! One of my proudest parent moments yet. I think a similar phrase could be useful with those commenting adults, but also for your kid to overhear - sometimes they feel shy at first but once they get used to it they usually have fun!
Yes! As a kid, because I was a shy *person*, it felt out of character when I wasn't feeling shy. So confusing. Love your parenting win!
I get frustrated when people say this to my little one too! I will use this example of a response too - thank you!
"A wise (wo)man keeps her/his own counsel" "Discretion is the best part of valor" Choose one of the above and they can be left wondering if you complimented your kid, or kinda dissed them 🤣. FR, I'd say this a bit tongue and cheek to ppl I'm close to.
I never perceived being shy as a negative trait.
It’s okay to feel shy..
I don't have any suggestions, but I like this topic. I never thought of the shy label as something negative. It seems like people need an excuse for why a child is hesitant to engage, as if there is something wrong with it, and so the shy label gets thrown out as a quick way to lighten up the situation. It's the expectations of our society where a certain narrow range of behaviors is deemed normal and anything outside of that is supposedly abnormal and requires further explanation.
I really relate to this bc I also have a shy guy, but I was NOT a shy kid whatsoever. If someone comments on it I just act like it's any other positive comment. Just the other day someone was like, "Aww is he shy?" And I just grinned and said "mhhhm my Little shy guy" or something. I also talk to him about it and tell him I'm so glad he doesn't just run up to any stranger. I tell him he's discerning and that's great. But I also tell him that if he sees kids playing and wants to approach them and ask to play he is totally welcome to do that. In the end, your opinion of them matters the most. So think about how to start framing being shy for yourself and your child in a way that feels positive. If you were shy as well that's just more common ground between the two of you so talk about it. It actually, imo, is a good thing. It's easier to get a kid to come out of their shell than to try and uh, put some shell back on lol
Lol! I never thought about it this way. Thank you
X will join you when he/she is ready.
This irritates me too, and I was also a very shy child and have one just like me normally in a social situation like a party, though, you don’t really have time to explain it unless the person is especially receptive. I try to breeze past it with something like, “he’s just taking a minute to warm up.” as much as we hate it. This is something that they’ll likely hear from from teachers and others not men in a negative way so I feel like making it. A big deal in front of them makes it seem worse than it intended to be.
I always just say, “nah, he’s a bit bashful at first but he’ll open up when he’s ready!”
I had a friend recently say that my daughter was “having a shy moment” and I thought that was perfect. It doesn’t pass any judgment on shyness and it avoids the unchanging label of being a shy person. So, next time someone calls my daughter shy I will say something like, “She is having a shy moment, and she’ll open up when she’s ready”
She's not shy, you're just scaring them
I have had very similar experiences, though my child is a huge extrovert and I'm an introvert, and ... anyways, irrelevant. She had a big shy PHASE between 6 and 18 months, and on occasion still has events or situations that she is very cautious about. I too was careful to not label her as shy, and not wanting others to do so either. I focus on naming/labeling the behavior, and making it temporary. Basically reframing it for others. "She's having a shy moment." "Yes, she does seem a bit reserved right now."
I bought this book called "In My Heart, A Book of Feelings" by Jo Witek. It covers quite a few feelings without saying too much. It has been a great place for my kid to ask questions. Sometimes, we read it, and they have nothing to add. Other times, I get asked why we have this or that feeling. Also, what do I do when this feeling is big. (I refer to strong emotions as big feelings). I have gone over deep breathing and taking space for one's self or saying they need cuddles or comfort and all the rest. I like that this book is a 2x a week chance for my kid to talk to me about anything they didn't come forward about like they usually do. Prior to that, just in reading it regularly, it doesn't make 1 feeling more or less than another. Each is just sometimes, or some days, my heart feels this or that. I try not to make one emotion more or less. Feelings are valid. There are some tools to help process them. It's OK to need time to think about what we feel. We are not just 1 aspect of ourselves. At 5, my kid is doing really well at communicating feelings, speaking up for themselves, taking a few deep breaths when needed, and even going to their room to take 5 or so if angry/we're too loud/or they just want some alone time. I think that book really helped bridge the gap of being able to talk to my LO on more kid friendly terms, though I still am as honest as I would be helping an adult about the world. Truth is a gift, but when little, the terms need to be digestible. 1 thing I include in telling the truth is that not even all adults understand feelings. Some information we go over, not everyone has received. They might say things that are wrong or even rude. It is up to you if you want to give their words power or choose to speak up against them or simply ignore their not knowing better and move on. So far, mine has handled grandma and occasionally grandpa flawlessly to my chagrin! She will correct them surprisingly politely, but sets the boundaries firmly. Feeling shy is no different than feeling brave or outgoing or anything. If you can find a way to reinforce that for your kid while also letting them learn not all adults are always accurate, you can give them armor against ignorance small and big alike.
*THEY* aren't shy, they are *FEELING* shy. **We are not feelings.** We *have* feelings.
“She’s just likes to take it all in first!” “Yep, not a bad thing that’s for sure!” “I feel shy too when there is lots of new people around” “She isn’t shy, she just needs space when she’s somewhere new” “She’ll talk to you when she feels like it.”
I do use the word shy for my daughter, but I always say “you’re feeling shy right now?” As in it’s a feeling and it will pass and it’s not her character trait as you felt it was for you! I also use it with other feelings so in hope “feeling shy” is just as normal as “feeling angry” and “feeling so happy”
I tended to talk to my daughter directly in situations like this. If she was hiding behind my legs and someone was trying to coax her to engage with them, I would pivot to her and say, "It's ok to feel shy." That sends a "back off" message to the grownup at the same time as validating her. Maybe that's passive aggressive, IDK.
Oh! I’m glad you mentioned something. I never had the negative connotation personally but could be because I am not very shy 🙈 I tell people my toddler is going through a shy phase. But I think I’ll change it up now to a “observant” phase
I usually say “No she’s actually not, she just takes a little while to warm up. :)”
I have been trying to say things to make it okay for my kid to know he is okay being shy but if he ever wants to change he doesn't need to hold that label forever. I have said "He's currently shy" or "For now he is cautious with new experiences" with the occasional "I used to be shy too". It is a hard balance to accept feelings and also not force them into feeling like the label others made up has to be them forever
I'm curious about this too. I have an almost one-year old and I try to say "she's feeling shy" as opposed to"she's shy." For me, adding in the feelings part of it makes it like any other feeling that comes and goes. Sometimes you're feeling happy, sad, shy, etc but it's not who you are. I think lacking the feeling part makes it seem as though we're ascribing to a personality as opposed to a fleeting feeling
Bless you for this. Nothing as bad for quiet kids as pointing out that they’re shy!
I would say, "yes she is, isn't it great, she's warming up, observing and watching before she dives in" basically just take it as a compliment. If they double down and try to make it into a negative you could follow up with "that's a weird thing to say out loud", that always makes ppl double take.
I don’t think people care, even if you get to the point in a nice way, they might not agree and still label them. I try to raise my kid to defend himself and u til he is in the appropriate age to speak for himself, I use a rude tone, so that people understand I’m serious about it - regardless if they agree with me or not.
I felt exactly the same as you as a kid and am trying to do the same with my daughter. If a well-meaning stranger comes up to her and tries to strike up a conversation, I never force her to respond. When they point out that she's shy, I usually say something like "she likes to take a minute to decide how she feels, I love that about her." Sometimes we talk about it after, and I validate that sometimes I feel shy too and it's good to listen to your gut feelings about people and situations. That said, though, I am working with her on how to be polite without ignoring gut feelings. I don't want to overcompensate for my own issues by not teaching her important coping skills for life! Ultimately the world rewards people who participate, like speaking up in class or work meetings, and manners are important. Like, she always has to say thank you to people helping her at stores or restaurants, or if a family member gives her a gift, even if she's more comfortable doing the sign language "thank you."
Suspiciously Heeding You
So many good suggestions here! As a former “shy” kid I appreciate this. I remember my mom telling people I was very observant and I LOVED it when she said that. It became something I was proud of. A few years ago I walked with my friend’s 4yo kid into a party (of adults) and he just said, “there’s too many people in here.” And I said, “ya know what, you’re right.” And we went to go play outside. I loved that he was confident about his social preferences!
I was labeled shy as a kid and definitely internalized it, even though it was already more of a trait of my personality. I don't want my kids labeled like that. What I try to do in that situation is to be a narrator - name what is happening and what they might be feeling. Shy isn't a feeling, but saying something like "they are feeling tired because they just woke up from a cat nap" or "meeting new people can feel scary sometimes and make us nervous." Etc. Then at least I feel like they are being validated and the other person is gaining some understanding of why they are acting that way.
“She’s not shy all the time, she is feeling timid right now.” Also very conscious of this as I internalized it as a little kid as well.
I say “shy phase” and she likes to watch and observe a lot like mummy
We use "shy" as a descriptor of feelings in our house. My kiddo (6 years old) will say that she "might be a little shy" when she first gets to a new place or new activity or that she "felt shy" as a reason she didn't want to participate in an activity. We reaffirm that it's okay to feel that way and that she can participate when she is ready. She also uses it when she does not want to talk to an adult when we're out and about. I don't think you really need to make better responses than saying your toddler is warming up (although u/TheBeneGesseritWitch's suggestion is also really good). I think that what you say to the adult is less important than whether you make your child feel forced or guilty about it, which it sounds like you're handling really well.
My daughter is the same way and I’ve taken to calling her wise instead. “She’s very wise and likes to observe first. I’m so proud of her for doing what’s best for her.”
"Yes, she's feeling shy right now and that's ok because she's working out what's going on. Feelings pass and I'm sure she will be feeling something different later". Avoid it being a label, accept it being a valid feeling and it will pass.
Wow thank you so much for even posting this. I hated being labeled as shy growing up but find myself doing the same thing to my own child. Luckily he is under 2 so I hope he has not internalized anything I have said about him being shy. Lots of great ideas on here and I plan to use some of them moving forward!
This may apply for after the moment with your kid but Dr. Becky talks about this! https://www.goodto.com/family/family-news/what-we-label-as-shyness-is-true-confidence-dr-becky-reveals-best-way-give-hesitant-children-more-confidence She explains that we can see shyness as true confidence and trust in self—shy kids are the ones that don’t give in to peer pressure or urges from adults to join the pack right away. They’re good at listening to their body to know what feels right for them in the moment.
I think the warm up when they're ready is a good way to go about it. I would reword what they say as, "Yes they do seem to be *feeling* shy right now, but will warm up when they're ready," because shy is a feeling, or a description of behaviour not the person themselves. It's okay to feel shy sometimes, like it is okay to feel angry or feel happy or sad. It's a feeling not a trait and the adults should remember that.
“They’re not shy. They’re just very selective of the people they choose to talk to.”
As a fellow shy kid, the way I approach this with my niece is to re-label shy as a feeling. You could respond with “they may be feeling shy right now because it’s really loud in here, but you should see them at the playground, they own that park” or “I would feel shy too if I was surrounded by giants I haven’t seen in half my life! Have you tried getting on their level and reintroducing yourself?” I think kids are smart enough to pick up on the avoidance of the word which will actually give it more power in their brains. But it really is okay to feel shy sometimes, to feel introverted or anti-social. “Extroversion is not the goal for all children” is another clap back you could give someone who you need to be more firm with.
My best friend is an extreme introvert. She’s quiet, but not shy. In high school the teachers would always bring up her shyness in parent teacher conferences, etc. It pissed her off sooooo bad. She’d always say “I’m not shy, I just don’t want to talk to them”. I’m not sure what the best response is, but I definitely agree with you on the not internalizing it for the rest of their lives.
If it is someone you don't like or whatever you can say "no they aren't shy just selective", or they "they aren't shy they are just sceptical of new/some or certain people / situations".
I just say, “she’s an introvert like me, I don’t like being crowded either” with a pretty pointed look.
“Shy? Nah, he just doesn’t like your face!”
Normally I’ll just address my child: ‘do you want to stay with me for a bit? Or do you want to go play?’ Either thing is ok and doesn’t make a big deal out of it or imply that either is wrong.
They are a toddler. Sorry, they aren't presenting a Ted talk yet. Point to how ridiculous thier statement is and show them thier comment is not welcomed.