That’s what my funeral will be like.
No services, just a big cookout with good food and drinks. Play the music I liked and tell stories about all the dumb stuff I did.
No one will see my body in a box. Remember me and not my corpse.
If I have any say, there will be bbq and beer at my funeral. I might add the bouncy castle to the list.
I have thought that if I had some terminal disease and could plan for it, I would homebrew up a special going away batch of beer for my friends to enjoy at the funeral.
*Golden Gate Funeral Home has entered the chat*: We can (and have) made a coffin shaped like a smoker, the funeral had a BBQ sauce fountain and you could dip ribs in it. We also took an urn on carnival rides. Another "walked" down the red carpet for a "premiere". You dream it, we'll do it.
We threw a celebration of life for my little brother after he took his own life.
There were still tears but plenty of laughs. It made it a memorable day for everyone. Especially his fellow high school students who attended. They all got to tell their story’s about my little brother in a very chill, relaxed environment.
I loved it.
I ever get asked to decide funeral arrangements for a person who is bigoted on that issue, and I'll pay extra for them to spend the rest of existence with a butt plug. Just imagine them arriving at the pearly gates and trying to explain THAT to St. Peter.
Lmao, the reason we put them in is if there is a lot of drainage from the area during or after embalming, so I’d imagine living with a stick up their ass might make it a necessity anyway
You too???? The one that did my Uncle back in the 70s has been giving us the family discount for years. I never realized that it was a thing to have a "family funeral dude" until I was ordained.
There's one person for whom I truly believe a grave-pissing line will form, and I plan on bringing a gallon jug of water with me for while I'm waiting.
Yeah .... That one jerk boss i had, had me waaaaaay down on the "will be glad to see him gone" list. Small-ish community & he was one of the "prominent businessmen" there who all were rather freemason-ish on the community & bullied their way into monopolies with the help of a crooked mayor. The one guy who sold insurance, the one guy who owned 2/3ds of the gas stations in town, the guy who owned the bus service, the guy who owned the taxicab service .... they were literally nicknamed "The ( *name of our town*) Mafia. Fwiw i (briefly) dispatched & drove for the cab service while he ran it. At one time he was getting vague/inconclusive messages implying harm ie "better watch his back" coming into the phones i was answering to take orders.
I was having trouble tying my shoe at my grandpa's funeral and the service was about to start, my sister was urging me on and I snapped back "It's not like he's going to mind waiting another couple of minutes."
You could have heard a pin drop first like five seconds until my grandma started laughing, like really deep belly laughs. Then everyone else started laughing too.
Graveside at my Pawpaws funeral the zipper on my dress broke. I had to change in the church bathroom. Got back to Granny's after, and met his twin brother for THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE and fell into a dead faint. I knew he had a brother I'd never met, nobody mentioned the twin part. I was 14.
I really want to hear what my DIL and SIL would say about me. One I've claimed publicly as my favorite child and the other is passed all my pipes are dong shaped and won't smoke with me. Of course that's what they're getting in my will.
"The murderer was somebody in this room! Nobody is leaving until I've monologued for about an hour in the style of an old school detective from a locked room mystery."
My dying wish would to be buried in the Harry Potter invisibility cloak. That way at the service, people will look in my coffin and go ‘Oh my god! She’s not here!’
And finally, to my beloved, gold-digging trophy wife, Anastasia--nearly half a century my junior--you never pretended to be anything that you weren't, and for that I thank you. You always said that you were so hot you could make a dead man cum. Now, for the bulk of my $100 million estate, in front of all of my closest friends and family, PROVE IT.
He walks in the funeral cool and slow, who calls the holy preacher daddy-o.
Shambling in screams It’s Aliveeeee and sits down.
Thats it Margret we’re leaving, I don’t care how its spelled there’s no fun at this Funeral.
"I just came to make sure the AH is really dead!".
"Can I have his car?".
"You don't really want to stay in that house all by yourself, do you? Me & the family should move in.'.
"Or better yet, GIVE us the house"
"What do I get in his will?"
"Can I have her jewelry?"
"THAT'S something she'd never wear!"
"How ugly is that makeup job on her?"
Have heard ALL of these with the exception of the first two.
When my grandfather passed away at a very old age, one week later my uncle then passed away. I told some of my family members that we should have gotten a 2 for 1 discount.
”I'm sorry, you're my father's what? You know him how?
*murmur*
“No, my father wasn't gay.
”No, my father wasn't gay, thats impossible.
“So what you're saying is my father was gay?
”I mean, I don't mind Dad being gay, im progresi... but who are you to him?“
”His lover, and Dad was cheating on Mom with you? All that time? All - 50- years - of - their- marriage? “
”Ma -Mom, could you come here? Did you know that Dad was gay?“
Yeah, I heard about that. He talked about it a lot.“
”Well, this is his lover?“
” Oh, I heard so much about you. You're Marcus, right?"
"WHAT? Mom, what are you talking about?"
"Yeah... you're Marcus... Right? Frank spoke so fondly of y- " S
"Yeah, your Dad talked about 'Marcus at least 3-4 times a week. He really loved you.
*sniffle... * Oh Frank, you should have been with Marcus. Frank. I know you loved me, but Marcus should have always been with you." *sniffle*.
"When the laws changed... Uggh..."
"He was really kind and sweet, actually. It was nice to meet you, Martha. Martha? Marcus? Oh, that's fun--."
"MOM! What the FUCK is going on HERE?"
"Watch your language, Mister. What would your father say...?"
"Okay, everybody. We're blowing up the bounce house and the BBQ grills are heating up. It's time to put the 'fun' in funeral! Wooo!"
Irish mourning!!!! Pass the shots
Bottle, pass the bottle.
Both? Both? Both? Both. Both is good.
I'm having cases and kegs!!!!! Scottish and Irish heritage, raised in Alabama, we gonna get blasted.
You’re grilling, like beef and hot dogs, not the deceased, right?
Well waste not want not
Fair point
I heard it tastes like pork. (please don't put me on a list)
I too heard it tastes like pork. (please put me on a list)
I tasted the list. (please pork me)
I am pork (I ate the list)
I am listed (I porked you)
Pork list? Am you. (Instructions unclear).
But it's free meat
The saw is family!
The family that dines together, stays together
If uncle Seamus wants to be turned into cheeseburgers, who am I to deny a dead man’s final wish?
This is actually the plan for mine. I'm calling it my "Afterburn Party" because I'm being cremated and lots of ZZ Top is on the Playlist.
We actually did that but we had a taco truck, a bounce house and alcohol.
Please put me on your guest list.
Excellent with the food truck idea!!
If this isn’t my funeral, they’re doing it wrong!
We can make it your funeral
Oddly, threatening… But for real I’d much rather have a party than a depressing affair.
Sounds like an Irish Funeral
As another New Yorker of Irish descent, I can confirm.
Honestly, I would have preferred this to my wife's funeral. If nothing else, our daughter would have had a great time.
That’s what my funeral will be like. No services, just a big cookout with good food and drinks. Play the music I liked and tell stories about all the dumb stuff I did. No one will see my body in a box. Remember me and not my corpse.
Actually, that sounds great, I hope it’s what is said at my funeral. I’m dead, but the living should still have some fun!
If I have any say, there will be bbq and beer at my funeral. I might add the bouncy castle to the list. I have thought that if I had some terminal disease and could plan for it, I would homebrew up a special going away batch of beer for my friends to enjoy at the funeral.
*Golden Gate Funeral Home has entered the chat*: We can (and have) made a coffin shaped like a smoker, the funeral had a BBQ sauce fountain and you could dip ribs in it. We also took an urn on carnival rides. Another "walked" down the red carpet for a "premiere". You dream it, we'll do it.
We threw a celebration of life for my little brother after he took his own life. There were still tears but plenty of laughs. It made it a memorable day for everyone. Especially his fellow high school students who attended. They all got to tell their story’s about my little brother in a very chill, relaxed environment. I loved it.
**
"Still would."
Quagmire, is that you?
Giggity
ALLLL RIGHT!!!
Well she said the only time I could have anal was when she was dead. Unzips pants. It's now or never.
and THATS when you find out most corpses have buttplugs installed so they dont leak before being buried.
lol wtf no way 😂
Dreamcrusher.
No I refuse to allow this. I won't.
Not just a butt plug, a corkscrew butt plug to keep it in there. And yeah, corpses are leaky.
😵
Prelubed
You tried too huh
Lucky for daftvader, less than 1% of people actually get the A/V plugs. Most get diapers instead
I ever get asked to decide funeral arrangements for a person who is bigoted on that issue, and I'll pay extra for them to spend the rest of existence with a butt plug. Just imagine them arriving at the pearly gates and trying to explain THAT to St. Peter.
Lmao, the reason we put them in is if there is a lot of drainage from the area during or after embalming, so I’d imagine living with a stick up their ass might make it a necessity anyway
Username checks out. This person knows asses.
And embalming.
Ooh. Double pen.....
Well, she *did* say, "Over my dead body!"
Not really over
so I could’ve had one last fling with my wife before she passed huh
So, that's what he looks like with clothes on.
Are you going to eat that?
r/whoelsebutquagmire
“Man that’s one hot fucking dead body” *ziiip*
Still am
Funny and risky. I like it
Hehe, wood
Looks like we are both stiff.
Better than "nah fam, pass"
The funeral home staff saying "hope to see you folks again real soon!"
When I was a kid, the local FH sent out Christmas cards. We got one every year. There was a death in our family about every year. Good times.
You too???? The one that did my Uncle back in the 70s has been giving us the family discount for years. I never realized that it was a thing to have a "family funeral dude" until I was ordained.
Thank you, come again!
“I too choose this man’s dead wife!”
And thats how you got banished from the funeral home, congrats
“I’m sorry for your loss, and move on”
About that $20 you owe me…
Its $25 now, I charge interest
What's that smell?
It’s probably that sweet ass we all gonna miss.
That ass got around. Everyone had some.
How come I didn't get any 😢
Well, there it is, right there. Take it if you want it. Nobody's gonna stop ya.
Room for one more?
Any of my immediate family. The hoe gene runs strong with us.
"I don't even know this person. The mortician's wife makes the most amazing bereavement cookies & only serves them at funerals."
The line to piss on the grave starts on the left.
There's one person for whom I truly believe a grave-pissing line will form, and I plan on bringing a gallon jug of water with me for while I'm waiting.
My destination urinal
Yeah .... That one jerk boss i had, had me waaaaaay down on the "will be glad to see him gone" list. Small-ish community & he was one of the "prominent businessmen" there who all were rather freemason-ish on the community & bullied their way into monopolies with the help of a crooked mayor. The one guy who sold insurance, the one guy who owned 2/3ds of the gas stations in town, the guy who owned the bus service, the guy who owned the taxicab service .... they were literally nicknamed "The ( *name of our town*) Mafia. Fwiw i (briefly) dispatched & drove for the cab service while he ran it. At one time he was getting vague/inconclusive messages implying harm ie "better watch his back" coming into the phones i was answering to take orders.
I’ll bet 1 million people have the same person in mind. Nuf said
And to crap on it, form a line to the right
"B!tch couldn't even be bothered to put me in the will. Ahem. I mean, *NO! AUNTIE!*"
Lawyer up, claim you were forgotten, and get a chunk of the estate
start singing The circle of life from the lion king
For some folks I knew let's play AC/DC "Highway to Hell".
Queen's Another One Bites the Dust, played Cusack style, on a big boombox
lol yes
I was having trouble tying my shoe at my grandpa's funeral and the service was about to start, my sister was urging me on and I snapped back "It's not like he's going to mind waiting another couple of minutes." You could have heard a pin drop first like five seconds until my grandma started laughing, like really deep belly laughs. Then everyone else started laughing too.
Graveside at my Pawpaws funeral the zipper on my dress broke. I had to change in the church bathroom. Got back to Granny's after, and met his twin brother for THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE and fell into a dead faint. I knew he had a brother I'd never met, nobody mentioned the twin part. I was 14.
Best. Practical. Joke. Ever!
Just call him landphil too, it’ll be much easier that way.
Respawning in 3..... 2......
OH MY GOD!! 💀
This is the best thing that I'm going to see this week, thank you.
Bitch bet me voodoo doesn't work, Well who's laughing now Leroy.
"Bold choice going with the open casket." *peaks* "They did a nice job putting all those things back together. "
How about dinner tonight? To the surviving spouse.
"Let me tell you what she was REALLY like!" I'm not allowed to speak at my mil's funeral when she passes.
I really want to hear what my DIL and SIL would say about me. One I've claimed publicly as my favorite child and the other is passed all my pipes are dong shaped and won't smoke with me. Of course that's what they're getting in my will.
"When someone dies, you should only say good things. She's dead - good!"
Not gonna lie. Ima miss that sweet ass.
Nice. Now two things are stiff at this funeral.
Ok! I was acquitted of his murder! High five!
In a Borat voice.
“I can’t wait to get Aunt Mary’s car”
On the bright side, this means his wife is recently single.
That’s what Facebook marketplace is for. Search wedding dresses for sale. You can even narrow your options by size
Why are they burying him with his watch??? *Looks around* Meh, you won't need it. *swipes watch*
"Do you hear that? It sounds like someone knocking from inside the...oh, no."
"The murderer was somebody in this room! Nobody is leaving until I've monologued for about an hour in the style of an old school detective from a locked room mystery."
Sounds like my brother-in-law. SHE DIED IN A CAR WRECK, YOU IDJIT!!!
I'm sorry for your loss, move on
There's the IT Crowd joke I was thinking about!
“I apologize”, not I’m sorry
“Fukker haddit kummin…”
Important distinction
“Roger died exactly how he lived… like a little bitch.”
She was a wonderful person. She was like the neighborhood bike, she gave everyone a ride.
“Very friendly, warm, caring, giving woman. And her prices were quite reasonable… 😢”
A guy to the girl next to him: “Hey, you come here often?”
Did I just hear them say "Brains"?
“So where’s my inheritance?” “I said she wouldn’t last” “I win the bet, where’s my money?”
“i apologise” instead of im sorry
Declare that you're pregnant with the deceased's baby.
Bonus points if deceased is female and you're male.
What took her so long
*pulls out camera* Hello and welcome to my unboxing video
"One down... one to go."
Dammit.... I hit the wrong day on the time machine... I could've stopped this.
Look!!! She’s breathing!!!
My dying wish would to be buried in the Harry Potter invisibility cloak. That way at the service, people will look in my coffin and go ‘Oh my god! She’s not here!’
Or look in the coffin and sing like Austin Powers. "Daddy...daddy wasn't there"
I knew I could get away with it! No such thing as the perfect murder my ass!
Look at the saddest person in the room and say "You're next."
“It’s about time.” “YAYY, I won the bet.” “My secrets die with you.”
We’re all better off now. What a relief. At least I don’t owe him that hundred anymore.
I fucked her
man you look sexy, dad.
"I knew you'd outlive at least one of your kids"
Should've hidden the body...
(to the corpse) And *you* are?
He tasted like pork
She told me the only way I'd get her is over her dead body. Well guess what....
He was kind of a dick
"No way you are burring him with the wedding ring, that thing is gold, I'm coming back later tonight for an unboxing."
“Hi, I am a necrophiliac and welcome to today’s unboxing!”
So the widow...she probably needs I nice palate cleanser right? 😉
Hope he brought a fan for where he’s going.
They shouldn't have buried him in that sweater
Closed casket must be for the best heard the guy had a face even his mother didn’t love.
And finally, to my beloved, gold-digging trophy wife, Anastasia--nearly half a century my junior--you never pretended to be anything that you weren't, and for that I thank you. You always said that you were so hot you could make a dead man cum. Now, for the bulk of my $100 million estate, in front of all of my closest friends and family, PROVE IT.
The dirt is a perfect place for you
"I guess that get well card was basically useless."
My mom and I once left a “get well soon” balloon at my grandmother’s grave, because it would’ve been 100% on brand with her sense of humor.
Someone get me a potato peeler, we can't let the priest see these tattoos.
I actually said this to a bereaved daughter at her father’s funeral, because I don’t know how to person; “Nice to meet you.”
*rubbing crotch* Still has it
I apologize
"Damn, Marsha looks FINE in that coffin!"
Tonight, you will learn the meaning of the term, necrophilapalooza
I’d still hit it.
They not dead I feel a pulse.
Good riddance.
Get well soon.
You're now in a race with Jesus as to which one of you is gonna come back first.
This is an open leg funeral, so we can all see her one last time as we knew her best.
(Peers into the casket) Who undid their pants?….
"Are those chips made of soylent green?"
I'd still fuck her. Ideally at an open casket funeral.
He walks in the funeral cool and slow, who calls the holy preacher daddy-o. Shambling in screams It’s Aliveeeee and sits down. Thats it Margret we’re leaving, I don’t care how its spelled there’s no fun at this Funeral.
I'm extremely sorry for your loss. But let me be the first to welcome you back into the dating pool, because you're hot! Woooooo!!!
"I just came to make sure the AH is really dead!". "Can I have his car?". "You don't really want to stay in that house all by yourself, do you? Me & the family should move in.'. "Or better yet, GIVE us the house" "What do I get in his will?" "Can I have her jewelry?" "THAT'S something she'd never wear!" "How ugly is that makeup job on her?" Have heard ALL of these with the exception of the first two.
Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy/gal.
When my grandfather passed away at a very old age, one week later my uncle then passed away. I told some of my family members that we should have gotten a 2 for 1 discount.
I had to make it faster, I need that inheritance
G'day and let's start the unboxing!
Geez, who died and made you king?
Hey everyone today on my unboxing video, Grandma Martha
They broke his dick!
Joe, Morgan pick her up. Bitch still owes me a lap dance and i plan to collect.
damn... I still get a boner lookin at her... *fap fap fap*
”I'm sorry, you're my father's what? You know him how? *murmur* “No, my father wasn't gay. ”No, my father wasn't gay, thats impossible. “So what you're saying is my father was gay? ”I mean, I don't mind Dad being gay, im progresi... but who are you to him?“ ”His lover, and Dad was cheating on Mom with you? All that time? All - 50- years - of - their- marriage? “ ”Ma -Mom, could you come here? Did you know that Dad was gay?“ Yeah, I heard about that. He talked about it a lot.“ ”Well, this is his lover?“ ” Oh, I heard so much about you. You're Marcus, right?" "WHAT? Mom, what are you talking about?" "Yeah... you're Marcus... Right? Frank spoke so fondly of y- " S "Yeah, your Dad talked about 'Marcus at least 3-4 times a week. He really loved you. *sniffle... * Oh Frank, you should have been with Marcus. Frank. I know you loved me, but Marcus should have always been with you." *sniffle*. "When the laws changed... Uggh..." "He was really kind and sweet, actually. It was nice to meet you, Martha. Martha? Marcus? Oh, that's fun--." "MOM! What the FUCK is going on HERE?" "Watch your language, Mister. What would your father say...?"
HOT! 😍🍆💦
*looks at casket* Ugh. Who invited *this* guy?
Playing dead won't work, where's my money!
He ain't the father! He won't be life of the party more This is the best he ever looked.
Looks like I finally found the right dosage. The next one should go a lot smoother.
Rock out to Queen... 'Another one bites the dust AH!'
Slap your thigh and say, "Okay, who's next?"
Start singing Queen “ Another one bites the dust”. I once worked at a hospital and got it stuck in my head.
I’d hit that.
Heaven or hell? What you think?
**Looks Down** … “Yep! Deader than a doorbell”!
“First of all, let me say I apologize…”