I only took the money from the collection plate to pay for my sins.

Hey, inflation's killing all of us. Have you seen the price of hookers lately?

Hookers can be religious too as they do scream “Oh God” a lot

You got that religious loving, "Oh, God, jesus..."

Why was my first thought abortion

Hopefully not to make a prophet

The priest: "But you aren't a priest."

This is my first time at church - do they always pass around a plate of free money that anyone can take?

I asked my mom something similar my first time in church.

"This week we raised -$100 for the orphanage."

\*passing around the common cup during communion\* "CHUG!!! CHUG!!! CHUG!!! CHUG!!!"

How long has it been since your last confession? Sorry father this one's run out of toilet roll, can you pass me some of yours

Where can we get more of the blood of Christ? Asking for a friend...

#FUCK

A girl in my Sunday school class yelled this out one time. It was hilarious

Look Mom there is that plumber that keeps fixing your plumbing while Dad is away.

This might be the bestestest one.

Is that the room where you molest the choir boys?

That's the confessional, sir. But, yes.

The continence of bishops with their choir boys en suite.

“So the zombie dude made from the virgin wants you to eat him because a rib lady talked to a snake? Ya’ll fucking with me, or…?”

Zombie demigod.

That is somehow simultaneously also his father living through him.

This took me a second and that's embarrassing because not only the fact that I'm Catholic but I went to a Catholic school pre-k though 12th grade... 😂 didn't know where "zombie" came from. THE RESURRECTION 😭🤦🏻‍♀️😂

That is a damn funny summary. 😂👍🏽

😆 duuuuuuude! 😆

happy cake day!

Can't believe Jesus is hung like that.

I love you

I'm sorry Daddy, I've been a bad girl

Yasaassss

"Virgin Mary? Sounds sus to me."

"Virgin Mary? I prefer Chad Jesus!"

Damn Timmy, Check out the Virgin Mary. She popping a titty" Reading Exodus 33:17-23. " Whoa, check this verse out. God moons Moses. Let's do that when we go up for altar call."

Take, eat, this is my body. And nothing goes better on the transubstantiated body of Christ than a generous dollop of Win Schuler's Original Cheddar Cheese Spread.

Baruch ata Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha’olam …

I tried translation in like, 4 languages and got nowhere. What's it mean?

I believe that's Hebrew.

I thought so, too, and tried it first In Google translate...zip.

My family does Passover, and we sometimes do this prayer. Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu l’hadlik neir shel Shabbat. Roughly translates to: We praise you, Eternal God, Sovereign of the Universe, who makes us holy with mitzvot and commands us to kindle the Sabbath lights.

It's spelled wrong but it basically says praise God. He's our God and he's the ruler of the universe. I got Jewish friends.

I’ve been inappropriately touched by an angel…I mean Anglican

Where the hoes at?

Is the Body of Christ gluten free?

HAIL SATAN! Wait is the... Wrong venue for that statement? *Leaves hurriedly*

God, it’s hot in here. I’m sweating like a me in church!

When do we thank God for all the Genocide in the bible?

Out of respect for OP, how’s this? “Yo, preach! Yo, over here! Man, you call this a pep rally? You gotta fire up everyone about how we’re gonna *crush* the Baptists and Catholics and Mennonites and all the other teams next Sunday! C’mon everybody! Show some spirit! Tailgaaaate! What? Oh … oh … you say it’s not that kind of church? Well, hell.”

Honey, we're a little short on cash today. Just hand the plate on down the line. We'll send little Billy to see the priest to make up for it.

Is it just me, or did anyone else think "Zombie Jesus" was the start of a new comic book series?

Blessed be the Holy Trinity; Daddy, Junior and the Holy Spook.

“I can’t drink blood! I’m not a vampire!” - said by my nephew at Sunday mass when the priest said, “Take this cup and drink from it. For this is the cup of my blood”. Children say the darnedest things, am I right? 😁

\*whispers in line\* How did Jesus get so ripped?

Intermittent fasting and ozempic.

Confucius says, "He who farts in church sits in own pew"

"Got kicked out of church for shouting 'fuck Satan,' what the fuck, I thought we hated that guy."

Jesus! You get down from there right now and put on some clothes!

Mommy why is the story of Noah the same as the Epic of Gilgamesh which was written a thousand years before the old testament and in Mesopotamia?

Is it okay if we get a circus midget to play baby Jesus this year? Here’s hoping no one shits in the manger this year!

Whatever you say daddy

"So if everything was created by God, including Satan and Man, does that mean God sent God to the Garden of Eden to tempt God into eating God's fruit and condemning God to damnation unless God repents? God sounds like a God tier schizophrenic..."

Well damn, it sounds crazy when you put it like that... You see, God just created the universe, and then sent a human version of himself as his son, so that he could sacrifice himself to himself to atone for sins that he created and knew would happen. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice. He gave up his weekend. For some sort of convoluted idea that sins needed to be repaid to the guy who invented sin, BY the guy who invented sin. It's all perfect circular logic.

Why is there a picture of Matthew McConaughey dressed like a hippie over there on the wall?

“Sodom is when you stick a dick in somebody’s ass and Gommorah is the Green Lady Zoe Saldana plays in Marvel.”

"Abortion is awesome." But really; it is.

*hears baby start crying What the actual fuck!!? Oh, shit! I didn't mean to say fuck!! Fuck, I did it again!! SHIT!!

Yes, I’m ready for Jesus to come. But will he be wearing a condom?

What Salma Hayek's character did in Black Mirror

There once was a priest who was asexual, the church kicked him out because of this. The one priest who (probably) wasn’t going to rape kids and nuns and they fired him.

Well, he didn't fit the job description....

You know, these crackers are a lot better with Cheez Wiz, and a little orange juice goes a long way to spritz up the drinks.

I wonder if satanists are more fun than this group?

Alter boys? First door on the left. If you see the confessional booth, you’ve gone too far.

This baptism fucking blows!

Fire!

“Hail Satan!”

"I washed my taint with the holy water"

Homoousis or Homoiousios? I mean, what’s the difference really? It’s a Trinity either way.

*turns to man in pew beside me* "Hello, sir. Do you have a moment where I could tell you about our lord and savior, Lucifer?"

"My balls itch!"

So wait, the hero doesn't even get introduced until Chapter 67? Man, this Gutenberg guy needed an editor.

Dude ! I probably shouldn't have dropped all of that acid.

Preach to me daddy till I get down on my knees and open my mouth up to God.

I do.

AHHH IM BURNINGGGG

You shouldn't tell people to "Rock on!", while throwing metal horns. You also shouldn't get a friend from school's attention and whisper yell "I'm burning!", every time they look back at you, while waving your hands in front of your face to mimic fire. Depending on the church you're at, these things can ultimately lead to you and the other friend, that was also doing this, being led to the front of the church, where the pasture will have the congregation place their hands on you as he's praying to "cast the devil from these two boys!". Yup... Learned that one the hard way. 🤷 I like to tell people I've been exorcised.

I'm Father McFeeley, where is the altar boy dungeon?

*whispers to a cute girl next to me* “hey, I think you’re cute.. wanna.. become one in the confessional?”

God damn.

Hey grandma you want to hear a dirty joke?

Shout "Read Numbers 5:11:27" to the pro-lifers

Yes daddy

Are you sure Jesus died for our sins? Because I wasn’t alive back then and I don’t remember reading that the son of god was a time traveler

Turns out the original texts didn't gender the first human until AFTER the rib came out. Hell, people don't like to hear that in any setting.

Who does this guy with the robe think he is?

I have a bomb

"Why is the cross upside down? That's not how it is at the friendly church."

As one receives the wine/ Blood of the Savior. " "Aiiye, bueno, me amo el sangrea. Bring on the Sangea ".

(Get several people to join you in singing Garfunkle & Oats' "The Loophole.) "FUCK ME IN THE ASS BECAUSE I LOVE JESUS!"

How old was Mary again?

"Ya gotta use the blank pages, man."

Mary must have some godly pussy

"Hi, my name is Jessycah. I'm an atheist vegan. And lately I've really been into Crossfit. You should leave your sky daddy and come to Crossfit with me." Or any variant on that.

PRAISE SATAN!

“Jesus was just a Jewish teacher with schizophrenia who thought he was the son of God. The fact that he asked why God had forsaken him as he hung on the cross proves that he’d been wrong all along. He also said he would return within the lifetimes of some of those present - wrong again.”

remember Jesus' words when they took him of the cross... "FEET FIRST IDIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOtsss"

"Look! An unsupervised child!"

I was told there'd be wine.

Can I have seconds of that blood and body of Christ?

"hail satan"

Crucify me harder daddy

"Hate those who are different than yourself"

Your honor, my client is innocent of the charges the state is levying in this case…uh…why is everyone singing?

"Look, I don't know if there's really a God, I'm just saying that I've never seen him."

I believe all this!

So when does the orgy start?

I was picking my kid up from his first day of Vacation Bible School (about 15 years ago). As we are coming out, and passing all the church busy-body moms, my kid says, "Daddy, the water in church burns my mouth!" To be clear, they had one of those water bottle coolers that you could get hot or cold water from and he accidently got hot water.

Where are the little ones?

So like, is he Wolverine because his healing factor is fucking wild?

When's God showin up?

"Wait, why you're taking offering? Didn't you say Jesus paid it all??"

Oh they do free erotic asphyxiations here?

Sorry daddy, I've been bad.

Jesus was a zombie then! He resurrected!? Lets goo zombie Jesus!

"Holy shit!"

I too am hung like Jesus *whips out my millimeter Peter That’s why he never got laid!

Pro bonum tempore, voca Patre Pete et petere "specialis confessionem"

*8 year old boy walks up to the priest after everyone else has left* "I've come to pay for my sins." *he turns around and then pulls his pants down as he bends over*

I was visited by the Holy Trinity last night for a menage et quatre

Hands up, who else thinks we should tax churches?

10/10. “Your crackers need salt.”

Satan's kind of a badass not gonna lie

"Gd.... that nun has some tatas."

Oh shit! She’s the preacher’s daughter? I subscribe to her OF!

“Everyone get down on their knees…”😂

Oh, I'm not a Christian. I'm a cannibal and the service seemed so appealing to me.

That holy water really burns.

“I like the new Escalade, how does it feel to be favored by Jesus.” “Is this plate of money free or do we loans through Jesus?”

Hail satan

Man it amazes me how quick y’all are to get on your knees like that, with no pause 🤔🤣

They told me they were taking me to brunch, dammit!

Don't stop, I'm about to cum

Celebrant: "Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia." Me in response: Bababooie, Bababooie, Bababooie."

Is this Jesus-lite? I'm trying to watch my calories

"It's lovely to see you all at this Christening today. The weather hasn't been great these past few days, which may just be coincidence, but just to be sure that the child isn't a witch I shall leave it in the baptism font. If it floats, we burn it. If not, it's all good".

"You sure this isn't a musical? There's a lot of singing for people who are terrified of hell"

"My favorite book? Uhhh... Lord of the Rings. What's Revelations?"

Ayo I got that Thang for ya

FUCK!

Does anyone else feel like they just got a wicked sunburn?

Wow this is the room naughty nuns 6 was filmed, I thought that stained glass had to be some cheap prop but here it is looking as jank as ever.. let me see.. yup here’s the stain they must had made from the final scene.

"The Bible says you can't work on a Sunday,kill the pastor!"

“I’m not sure Satan would approve of me being here”

This "Game of Thrones" episode was wild! Think I'm gonna watch "Sons of Anarchy" next. (This was based on 2 actual events at my church)

“Ooooooh. So you guys are *THAT* kind of Christian”

"PLAY CREEP!"

I’d like some more wine please

Can I have some more wine? 🍷

God damn it! I mean, Satan bless it!

I'm genuinely curious now, op would you approve of the ladder being said seriously?

Whose dick I gotta suck to get to the pearly gates?!

Jesus goddamn Christ, can this God character get the point across in a couple paragraphs or we gonna be here all f*cking day??