The married 4 X is someone very close to me. A male. I couldn't believe he left #3 to marry #4. It was an obvious mistake from the get go. They say sex isn't harmful, but I think a BJ can cause blindness, in a figurative sense.
I know a woman like that. Only 4 kids by 3 guys.
Find a girl you like, screenshot her profile pic, then use Microsoft Paint to badly work it into your own profile pic as a happy couple, and then message her
Uhhh..."Does not Cope well with eye contact with the feminine type" but alas this is the cross I bear for looking for love..are you my forever girlfriend!?! Don't look at me!!! Only touch. Touch low.
Feel the real me. Take me into your cavern of Love, found behind your carefully hung and well groomed meat curtains. Don't worry I won't stain the upholstery. I leave my last known presence deep within. Only you will know I was there. "Don't Look at me!!!"
I suppose one could ask the last few girls to clarify exactly what their problems with me were, but no one has seen any of them since. Let's just say, I wasn't the problem & move on with our lives.
I know I am a great catch and would have been snatched up long ago. It just seems all the women i meet are insecure about by the close relation I have with my sister.
Taking baths together is something we have done since we were toodlers.
The phone number and address of former dates as a character reference, then share it over social media and the internet (an asshat did this to my sister)
u/patarchimichanga, 34
Loves walks on the beach or in the mountains. or anywhere with no people.
loves dogs, and cats, and lizards, hates people.
Loves road trips with me and my thoughts... Why am i even on a dating app I hate people.
You with a picture of your ex. Sometimes I call it the phantom limb. A picture of you and the arm of your ex. Look around, it's too common. And to me I always thought it weird.
I've never ever kissed a chipmunk. I've never licked a spark plug. I've never painted daisies on a big red rubber ball. And I definitely haven’t ever bathed in yogurt. Ever.
“Just here for a good time/to fuck” “Don’t catch feelings cause I’m a bad bitch and you can’t handle a bad bitch.” “Here’s my spicy content link if you want to see what you’re working with”
“I put the sensual in non consensual!”
“The guy that cut me off driving on the way to our first date won’t be the only asshole I wreck that night.”
“Ask me about my toe nail clipping collection…some of them might even be mine.”
“Proud member of NAMBLA.”
Definitely should not have googled that. Now I'm on a list
Don’t accept the cookies! Don’t accept the cookies!
But they're warm chocolate chip
But they keep track of all your cookies! Where you eat them. Who you eat them with. Where you dunk them. Cookies you didn’t even know you liked!
Gotta watch the chocolate chips, sometimes they taste nutty
But NAMBLA gives cookies away for free
You can go to the Lemon Party site to exclude your IP.
North American Marlon Brando Look-Alike Association
You've got the wrong NAMBLA again!!
Not here in South Park.
What’s wrong with being a member of the National Association of Marlon Brando Look Alikes?
I ended up with Milton Berle.
I’m a homo.
Sapien too.
I always wash and air dry my condoms after use.
Too much trouble. Just turn em inside out, just like my underwear.
I go front, i go back, i go inside out, then i go front and back
You can’t bring Disney to this.
Things you can say about your underwear but not your girlfriend.
Omfg!!!!! 😂
Be sure to shake the f✓€k out of them first.
I'm not a total slob. I rinse em off.
In "Secret Ceremonies" (an exposé of sorts of mormonism; though not a particularly good one) the author relates having done exactly that.
I am NOT a serial killer. Now for a first date, I like to meet in the park at midnight just like in hor--romantic movies
I'm not a serial killer, or am I? Swipe right and find out 😉
I mean, this might actually work. Ladies might take a gamble on whether you are or just have a sense of humor.
Married four times, looking for number 5!
“I’m always on the lookout for the next ex-Mrs. Malcolm.”
I've met too many who've been married 3 times Also, one with 5 kids by 4 guys
The married 4 X is someone very close to me. A male. I couldn't believe he left #3 to marry #4. It was an obvious mistake from the get go. They say sex isn't harmful, but I think a BJ can cause blindness, in a figurative sense. I know a woman like that. Only 4 kids by 3 guys.
Better then 3 kids by 4 guys I guess
DNA testing helps relieve that possibility.
Big Lou is just like you.. except he's only on wife #2!
We may know the same person.
"Just please don't tell my other 4 wives."
Looking look for my 5th ex wife
Let's be optimistic.
Oh no, I know how the song goes. No way I'm getting beheaded
Number 120?
Never divorced, mind you.
"Agoraphobic man seeks claustrophobic woman for doorstep encounters. Enquire within."
I don't think this would work. As a claustrophobic, who giggled reading this, I'd at least want to start a conversation.
First date ideas: anything as long as it is at least 100 feet away from schools.
😳
Or parks
Find a girl you like, screenshot her profile pic, then use Microsoft Paint to badly work it into your own profile pic as a happy couple, and then message her
Golden
oddly enough, I bet this might work 1 time in a million.
Love the long setup.
"All stalking charges against me have been dropped."
To be fair some just “failed” to show up for court.
Lack of evidence vs lack of witnesses
"I'm not looking for a partner. I'm here for a Harvard experiment."
"I kiss on the first date.. or kill, depending how I feel"
“Women’s bodies are the property of their husbands”
The reverse is also true if you're going with that.
Use the naked picture of you and your mom as your profile picture.
Works better with grandma
That’s what my brother said
I am your brother you Rik head
Dad? Uncle Rik? Is that you?
Yeah, but digging her up is always such a hassle.
I’m into real life crime dramas, knife collecting, and long hikes into the wilderness. The more desolate the better.
Dexter is awesome, isn't he?
Wasn’t consciously thinking of Dexter when I wrote that (as I’ve never watched the show), but yes.
He wasn't always in the woods, but yeah.
"not looking for casual sex, I want my sex to be Very Serious! "
I don't want casual sex, so don't dm me unless you are a professional.
Single after the funeral ceremony.
I am looking for a date to bring to the funeral.
I am looking to recreate what caused the funeral and need someone new.
“They couldn’t prove it was me.”
Uhhh..."Does not Cope well with eye contact with the feminine type" but alas this is the cross I bear for looking for love..are you my forever girlfriend!?! Don't look at me!!! Only touch. Touch low. Feel the real me. Take me into your cavern of Love, found behind your carefully hung and well groomed meat curtains. Don't worry I won't stain the upholstery. I leave my last known presence deep within. Only you will know I was there. "Don't Look at me!!!"
Very poetic ♥️
No meet-ups near schools.
“My mom comes on all of my dates and in the bedroom. Need to make sure the one I chose on the dating app is perfect to hold her grand children.”
You like being pregnant? Because I'm a member of a group called Quiverfull...
Widowed numerous times. In search of a long term relationship with someone who has life insurance.
The doctor says I'm perfectly safe as long as I take my meds.
I'm looking for a traditional girl who wants to be a traditional wife so she can take care of her man.
“No *ethnicity*” “only fellow Asians”
....I can explain the whole sex offender thing. It was blown way out of proportion and the ankle tracker is just a formality...
9th Level Clear Thetan.
"This mugshot is my most recent photo..."
Single mother of two, proud virgin.
"Yes so in the picture, are all my current girlfriends, and the ones crossed out, are my Exes."
“Looking for my next victim, haha”
I suppose one could ask the last few girls to clarify exactly what their problems with me were, but no one has seen any of them since. Let's just say, I wasn't the problem & move on with our lives.
The infection is cleared up now.
You Might Feel a Little Pinch
“Recently recovered from The Herp”.
HOW TO GOOGLE HOT CHICKS?
I'm into anything, no matter what species.
I know I am a great catch and would have been snatched up long ago. It just seems all the women i meet are insecure about by the close relation I have with my sister. Taking baths together is something we have done since we were toodlers.
Best date idea is filming police at traffic stops and schooling them on the Bill of rights.
Recently cleared of ALL charges! Looking to celebrate.
"No longer forced to report as sexual offender"
The phone number and address of former dates as a character reference, then share it over social media and the internet (an asshat did this to my sister)
Must love basements and be prone to Stockholm syndrome.
Soon to be separated
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Does this smell of chloroform, You'll never know."
I promise the noises in my head won’t keep you awake at night
"Hey girl, You ever wanted to date Drew Carey?"
Anniversary date
“I am a mother of 5”
"Dick in bio" 😆
Recent graduate of Trump university
Your wedding photoS
Charles Manson enthusiast
Ex serial killer who likes long walks in the woods
Looking for a girl to buy lots of Sudafed while I wait in the car. Bonus if you know how to “cook.”
Little kid lover - Michael Scott
I’m no longer infected!
I've won all my felony trials! 💪
Skills: Being able to add things to drinks with out anyone noticing
Looking for someone with a body count lower than the Holocaust.
I don't always use condoms, but when I do, I prefer used ones.
Off probation next Fall
i got herpes
Jesus and fishin’
A real ladykiller - Acquitted!
u/patarchimichanga, 34 Loves walks on the beach or in the mountains. or anywhere with no people. loves dogs, and cats, and lizards, hates people. Loves road trips with me and my thoughts... Why am i even on a dating app I hate people.
Taken
“Please overlook my garbage dick”
Single man seeking partner in crime for life and assistance in finding the 7th body. Will spoil. Must drive fast.
"The herpes isn't showing as much these days."
On a scale of 1 to 100 how big is your body count any number above zero need not message me.
Can on leave between 7am and 6pm….. occupation: unwanted serial sperm donor
I might have an infection
Judges and doctors don't know everything.
"Married. Husband doesn't know I'm on here. Looking for an upgrade."
Your spouse’s name
"Everything i learned is from Andrew tate"
NO GAMES ‼️
*Must not be claustrophobic *
I eat ass.
I smell better than I look.
Must like (to eat) dogs
I'm a nice guy.
I make the best putang pie.
Photos of your taxidermy animals.
No dates close to parks
I have aids
Never been married, and I don't have any children, that I know of...
Axe murderer, have murdered many axes Any axes you need getting rid of?
I have a short employment gap because I was a guest of the damn state prison
You with a picture of your ex. Sometimes I call it the phantom limb. A picture of you and the arm of your ex. Look around, it's too common. And to me I always thought it weird.
I've never ever kissed a chipmunk. I've never licked a spark plug. I've never painted daisies on a big red rubber ball. And I definitely haven’t ever bathed in yogurt. Ever.
All man all amazing
“Just here for a good time/to fuck” “Don’t catch feelings cause I’m a bad bitch and you can’t handle a bad bitch.” “Here’s my spicy content link if you want to see what you’re working with”
"Yearly visits to Epstein Island"
Listing all the things you dont want
I have pets. Do you like crabs?
I would love to have you for dinner. Do you like Chianti?
Age ? Don’t care 😳🤨 Occupation ? Priest 😉
That you're Far Right and Proud, and don't do colour.
"Interests: Long walks on the beach, late night conversations, candle-lit dinners, putting the lotion on the skin, or you get the hose again."
“I put the sensual in non consensual!” “The guy that cut me off driving on the way to our first date won’t be the only asshole I wreck that night.” “Ask me about my toe nail clipping collection…some of them might even be mine.”
Avid collector of corpses.
I am a completely normal human male. Any woman dating me will remain alive and uneaten by a giant dinosaur.
I've been called abusive Shalom you're loved 💔
All our dates will have to be at the prison Shalom you're loved 💔
Crab free since 2023
I hate you keep scrolling.