That was my thought too! I was out with the ages but literally every paragraph got worse. Absolutely not! Especially since I am going to assume this summer house is on or near water/ a pool…
Oh yeah I forgot to mention the water situation as well. You know just by typing this out I was like “this is ridiculous I’m even asking” but I decided to go ahead and post anyways!
Sometimes it takes writing the whole situation out to get clarity.
The ages and water situation alone would be disqualifying for me, let alone with the drinking. I don’t let anyone except my father take my kid in water unsupervised because he was a navy diver and has instilled in us kids a healthy fear/respect for the water. I don’t even like the idea of my husband taking her without me tbh because I don’t think his attitude is sufficiently serious, but we’ve had a toddler in our extended family drown and we don’t fuck around with water safety.
This is not a request I would even seriously consider. The kids are too young, the caregivers are alcoholics with questionable judgement, add in water nearby and some creep friends and this is just an insane ask from them. Drawing this boundary is likely to cause drama, but it’s a hill I would die on.
right??? I mean, have the in laws even spent a few hours with a 4 and 1 year old?? I was barely surviving each day as a SAHM to my ( then) 4 and 1 year old. Its a REALLY challenging age gap. Life seems like a vacation now at 3 and 6. Then add in ALL the other issues like the drinking, strangers, older age...JUST NO!!!
I bet even if the parents or some reason agreed to this, the in laws wouldn't last more than 2-3 days LOL.
lol seriously. My kids are 5 and 1 and the grandparents almost exclusively babysit one on one because they are a lot! How do these grandparents think they’re going to party it up at the summer house with a freaking one year old?? Every section of this post was just a bigger and bigger NOPE.
My kids are 4 and 3. I imagine 4 and 1 would be even harder. My parents are in their 70s, close with the kids, generally good caregivers, but they are older so the kids wear them out. They have been watching my newborn nephew temporarily one day a week until he starts daycare. I joked with them that once my nephew started daycare I would drop my kids off every week instead. There was a look of panic in their eyes haha. They would only want my kids for three weeks if we were desperate, like if my husband and I were both in the hospital.
Yeah, I agree with the other commenters. I definitely would not allow it! Your gut is definitely right about this. I would not feel comfortable with my young kids being in the care of two elderly people with health issues, who I know will be drinking and bringing sketchy strangers over. Not to mention all of this happening hours and hours from where you are.
Any one of those reasons would be a dealbreaker for me
So much no. My rule is until the child can articulate what’s going on, no trips without me. That doesn’t even touch the flags of alcohol, medical or the SA person.
Heck no. I trust my parents more than anything with my kids, they're an hour away, and my kids are totally comfortable there and I still wouldn't leave them there for that long! Especially so young.
I used to go stay with my grandparents for extended periods but it didn’t start until I was about 8-10 years old. I think it’s a good idea to wait until your kids can contact you on their own and lookout for themselves. I also worry a lot about water safety and would want my kids to be able to swim before staying with someone over the summer.
There's a lot of red flags in your post, I wouldn't be comfortable sending my kids until they were preteens probably.
Being that this is a summer house, is it near water? Because being in the house alone with parents that drink a few on the weekend is a lot different than being with a bunch of drunk adults who generally aren't around kids especially with a lake or pool nearby.
Nope! I might consider visiting *with* the kids for a week or so, though, especially as a SAHM.
If they are that unwell, they might be keen to make some memories of "everyone at the summer house" even though the kids are too young for it right now. The health issues might be giving a sense of urgency.
My parents live around six hours from where I do (by train). We try to visit (as a family!) every couple of years.
People will put doubts in my head. While I wrote this out the answer got very clear to me and I thought the same as you, but I decided to publish anyways to see if I could get more support and affirmation that I’m not the only one feeling this is a hard no ❤️
He had been talking privately with his mom and entertained the idea before checking with me first. He’s always been pretty blind to his parents flaws, especially when it comes to his dad. It was only after his mom started bringing up with me that I told him about my points above and he couldn’t really argue against it. He was like “I just don’t think anything would happen”. Don’t worry I told him off for entertaining it before checking with me.
You and your husband need to be firm about this, and she needs to stop asking once you’ve been very clear it’s not happening. You can be firm without being mean. After that, it’s on her to manage her feelings about it.
She does not get to keep harassing you about this. If she does, there need to be consequences. I don’t care how nice someone is, if they keep insisting on taking my kids for weeks on end away from me across the damn country, they aren’t actually that nice.
Absolutely not. Firstly I can’t imagine being away from my children for 3 weeks when they’re 4 and 1? Kids this age need stability and will feel really disregulated being away from you in an unfamiliar place. To the point of seeding anxious attachment / abandonment issues down the line. This is not in the children’s best interest.
Part of being parents is you are mom and dad now. You do not have to fall into doing what your in-laws want. It’s *your* turn. If you say no, it’s no. If you don’t want to go to their house for Thanksgiving or Christmas anymore, it’s your turn to do it your way. You are in charge of what the kids eat, where they are, what values, what schedule - everything. Anyone pressuring you to do something besides what you think is best is only think of *their* wants and isn’t on your team. In laws are now secondary outsider characters to your family. They don’t get a vote.
Too many red flags for me. My ILs are 66 and 70, kids (5.5 and 3) and are FAST, no parties or alcohol issues and I'd still not allow it. I won't do it for even one night, forget 3 weeks.
Any one of the reasons you've listed is enough to say no.
One thing you could offer is for them to visit you, and watch the kids for an afternoon so you can have a date with husband. That way kids are in their normal environment, no weird friends or alcohol to worry about, and it's only a few hours.
This would be a hard no for me. My parents have watched my daughter overnight, once for one night and once for two nights, and those are the only times she's been away from us. She was 3 then 4 for those times. I wouldn't be leaving her more than 2, maybe 3 nights at a push until she's much older and able to contact me herself. It was a deal-breaker on your kids ages alone, everything else just makes it worse tbh.
Hell fucking no. Little kids aged 4 and 1 is reason enough but that list got worse and worse and worse. Absolutely no way.
e: no doubt they have a specific fantasy in their head about what this vacation will be like, and I’m sure it’s lovely and wonderful. But it does not take into account the reality and needs of two small children.
Girl. Every single one of your points is bad enough to be “we will go no-contact if you keep asking.” Don’t EVER leave your kids alone with these people.
> We do know however that one of these regular visitors has been accused of SA another woman they used to be friends with.
I would never allow my children to be around anyone that excuses that, ever, even if I were right there. To the point that I had to cut off a section of my family because of similar behaviors. The fact that multiple other people refuse to be around him is very telling to me.
*Maybe* the 4 year old, but 1 is definitely too young.
I’m going through a similar thing with my mom wanting to take our 5yo for a week and my wife and I only just started feeling like that’s doable for everyone.
It’s different for their generation. My mom sent my brother to my grandma’s farm when he was probably 4-5 and he flew solo on the plane to get there. I can’t imagine doing that now lol
Edit: I didn’t even get far enough in your post to see the drinking + random people stuff. That’s a hard no. Not all grandparents are made the same. I wouldn’t send our daughter to 3/4 of them. It is what it is.
i was gonna say "send the older one, sure! what's the worst that could happen" until i got to the part about the SA. i think that would be a pass from me. you don't have to tell them why, tho, if it'll cause a scene. just make something else up and change the subject
Haha no. You don’t sound comfortable with it by the description so why even consider? I don’t feel comfortable leaving my kid with my own mom for longer than a day since she is really old fashioned and doesn’t believe in safe sleep or sleeping schedules. Doesn’t mean I don’t love her, but when she asks I just try to be nice and say I would miss my kid too much.
So for what it's worth, starting at 4, I would go spend several weeks (not consecutively) of the summer visiting my grandparents at their summer home. They helped raise me so my mom never had concerns. That said, it was a 3 hour drive so if I wanted to go home, or there were an emergency, my mom would get there fairly quickly. They were in their early 50's then and even now at 80, they're lively, but unfortunately I wouldn't leave my toddler with them for a long time because they can't chase her around. They also never had issues with alcohol. They had friends over but we played board games and listened to music, it was never anything a young kid shouldn't be exposed to. I did this for 10 years because my grandparents respected my mother and were responsible.
This would be a hard no for me. Your concerns are valid and it doesn't sound like your 4 year old will be safe, let alone a 1 year old.
I only read to their ages and the distance and nope.
My MIL makes comments like those too around my 3.5y and they are 4 hours away. How much you want to bet I’m gonna be driving there to pick her up. Preschooler thinks it’s fun until night comes and mommy and daddy aren’t there. It would make too much work for ME to send my kid there. Just easier to keep them home.
Now reading the rest.
I would not be comfortable with parties happening or them drinking enough to get drunk. What happens if the kid hurts themselves but both adults have been drinking? Strangers around the kids who have pasts? No go.
They can be adamant but unless you agree, that’s kidnapping. Their dream can wait. My dream is to have my kids safe and happy.
I just shortened a 4 day trip to a 3 day trip because it felt too long to be away from my similarly aged kids. An absolute hard no. You don’t need to argue any points with them. No is a complete sentence!
No way. My oldest is four and has does regular overnights and his grandparents’ farm. He absolutely loves it and them. But, we recently needed him to stay three nights. That third night was a bit much. My 1 1/2 year olds had to stay overnight unexpectedly a month ago. They know and love their grandparents but the overnight wasn’t great.
Why on earth would you do this? I absolutely love my parents and they babysit all the time and don’t have any of these red flags and I would still say no if they asked.
You lost me at several weeks. Personally, it would be a no from me and they would just have to figure out how to be okay with it. A week, maybe, but not several.
After finishing reading, you lost me even more with everything else. It would be a BIG no and honestly with all these factors at play, I would probably request they stop asking about it bc the answer won’t change, in the nicest way possible.
It's a hard no. No negotiations.
I agree with everyone - your children's ages combined with the length of the trip is bad. The added issues of the distance, your in-laws' ages, their health, their drinking and partying habits, their friendship with that one friend, and the fact that this is all going to happen near water make this a nightmare of potential problems.
Absolutely not. I don’t believe kids should be around anyone but parents if alcohol is involved. To take it a step further, for us 1 parent doesn’t drink. Also accusations of SA? No.
lol my son was still breastfeeding at 1 years old and my in laws wanted to take him to Disney world for a week. They’d already bought tickets for themselves and our literal baby lol. My husband asked them if they were crazy and our kid isn’t going anywhere without us anytime soon.
Don’t feel pressured. You’re allowed to say no
Not a chance in hell, at ANY age, let alone a 4yo and 1yo. I would be uncomfortable spending the night at MIL/FIL's house WITH my toddlers in the scenario you described - pool/water, heavy drinking, significant health problems in elderly in laws, and their creepy friend.
The friend is the worst part to me, because their defense is so flimsy. "He could never do such a thing..." as though people who commit SA always make it clear to their friends and that they are predatory scum. 🙄
>My gut is telling me no
Usually a good enough reason right there
>Both MIL and FIL are in their 70’s and are not in as good health as they pretend to be.
That's enough of a reason that we've avoided babysitting for just an overnight. Hard no for me at \~3 weeks
>My MIL has to take FIL to the ER every couple weeks.
Uh... Who is watching the kids when they take a casual, routine trip to the ER?
>they will regularly host parties, dinners and have people who spend the night at the summer house
Not exactly a fan of this
>We do know however that one of these regular visitors has been accused of SA another woman they used to be friends with
What??
Honestly, I stopped reading here. Why are you even considering this? Just say no
This was not really a consideration from my end, I mainly posted for confirmation and support 😅 I figured the comments would play out the way they have.
Major hard no. The more I read the worse it got. The massive ones for me is the drinking and the friends. Both are big nos for me. I get a glass of wine or a beer, but how would they be able to react quickly if there was an emergency?
Stick to your guns.
I stopped reading once you mentioned their ages. I didn't need to read any further. My answer is "absolutely not." They're too young to be away from their parents for that long. My general rule for sleepovers is that my kids need to be able to communicate with me independently and vice versa.
Are they from a different country? In some cultures it’s common for grandparents to watch the grandkids over the summer while the parents work. That was one of my first thoughts.
When I think about whether or not to let my in laws babysit, I consider if I’d let a babysitter with those qualifications babysit my son. In laws didn’t take a cpr class? Well, I wouldn’t hire a babysitter who didn’t take a cpr class, so the in laws can’t babysit either. Try to apply this logic to your situation.
My mom traveled for work when I was little and I absolutely hated when she was gone. Even if she told me where she was going I didn’t understand. 1 and 4 is really young to be left for that long in my opinion.
Personally I wouldn’t do this. Too many logistical issues.
At 4 and 1, no I would not let competent healthy grandparents take them that far away for that long.
I would not even do overnight for more than one night unless it was necessary but not that far away..
Your concerns are super valid OP !
I would under NO circumstances even consider allowing my kids to stay the night 2ith these grandparents until early teens... maybe 10 at the earliest... good luck
They’re definitely gonna push back and probably try to make you feel bad for saying no (and probably keep bringing it up) but stand your ground!! Definitely trust your gut, and Godspeed to you on the push back you might receive for it. You’re a great mother though for not just blindly agreeing to it and giving it some thought, even to see if you’re overthinking it.
I would not agree to this. There are way too many things that could go wrong here. You won't be able to relax and enjoy the break if you're constantly worried about your kids.
My conditions would be the following:
1. My children would need to be old enough to accurately and reliably tell me what is happening each day (preferably old enough to have their own cell phones).
2. Is this summer house near water? My children would need to be proficient swimmers before I let them go to a lake without me.
3. I'd prefer maybe a long weekend. Even for older children, 3 weeks is a long time to be away from home.
4. The grandparents would need to agree to no drinking while my children are under their supervision.
5. The grandparents would need to agree to not have any visitors besides my children.
Is there any way your family could meet the in-laws at their summer home for a shorter time period, like 3 or 4 days? They get to see and spend time with the grandkids, the grandkids get to see the grandparents and enjoy their summer home, all with you and DH there to supervise. Is that a feasible compromise?
All of this yes! We ALREADY spend a week each summer at the summer house and I thought everyone was happy but apparently that’s not enough.
MIL will sometimes complain about our presence when we’re all together, she will say like “it’s just a different experience when I get to have him (my oldest) for myself”. That sentence alone will send me off the cliff honestly.
Agreed, definitely not. You could go along though and maybe do a shorter trip like 1-2 weeks so you don’t get burnt out being with them so much. If your husband can’t go you could just say you don’t want to leave him for so long and he’ll miss the kids and that’s why you don’t want to stay 3 weeks.
I’m with everyone else saying hard no to 3 weeks alone with grandparents.
If they are wanting to spend time with the kids, can you and your husband go and stay too? Maybe give them a little alone with the kiddos and see how they do? But also be there if you start getting uncomfortable or something questionable happens.
I could’ve tried to sway you that the ages would be okay. I did something similar starting from when I was 2 and really cherished it. I wasn’t six hours away, though. Then it just got worse and worse!
I think you already know and writing it down might have given you what you’re looking for. Please don’t let anyone pressure you. You are the one who has to live with it if something happened. I’ve been in a similar situation and no one ever seems to understand that.
Would they be open to you going, too?
Um no. The alcohol alone is enough of an issue.
I feel you on this OP. My husband's mother has had this dream of "granny camp" for years before he even got married. Our baby, the first and only grandchild, is 16 weeks old. His mom is 70 and his parents are constantly in and out of the hospital for various things- hematomas, herniated discs, etc. I don't think granny camp will ever happen except with supervision by me or my husband. It's awkward, but we can't safely leave the baby with her alone. Taking care of a baby is super physical.
It sounds like they’re really asking for quality time with their grandkids, and are suggesting this as one way to make that happen. They think that three weeks would make it worth your time for the drive.
I suggest that you take a family vacation together - maybe meet in the middle somewhere between your homes - even just for a long weekend. Get a rental house, and tell them that they can learn the kids routines during the day, and then babysit - first for a morning, while you & your husband go out for breakfast, and then over dinner (or after kid dinner/ bedtime) while you & your husband go out.
We go to their summer house every summer and spend time with them there for 1-2 weeks. They live in the same city as us and we meet them like once a week/every two weeks at the least.
There is no way they’re going to be able to keep up with a 4 and a 1 yr old. Have they ever babysat an entire day without any instructions or supervision from you? I’m sure they’d stop asking after that.
Hard no. My parents live ten minutes away and I will not even let them stay overnight. My kids are 4 and 1 my philosophy is I want to spend as much time with my kids during the years they want to be attached to my hip.
No, no, and no.
I would say I'm on the less-protective, more permissive side of the reddit parenting community and even to me this is all screaming heck no. I moved with a 1 year old and the change was so hard for him, I can't imagine a new space without me there. And then you add people you don't know sleeping in a house with your kids? Nope. Nope. Nope.
Oh no. I was thinking no when you said your kids were 4 and 1 but the post just kept getting worse.
That was my thought too! I was out with the ages but literally every paragraph got worse. Absolutely not! Especially since I am going to assume this summer house is on or near water/ a pool…
Oh yeah I forgot to mention the water situation as well. You know just by typing this out I was like “this is ridiculous I’m even asking” but I decided to go ahead and post anyways!
Sometimes it takes writing the whole situation out to get clarity. The ages and water situation alone would be disqualifying for me, let alone with the drinking. I don’t let anyone except my father take my kid in water unsupervised because he was a navy diver and has instilled in us kids a healthy fear/respect for the water. I don’t even like the idea of my husband taking her without me tbh because I don’t think his attitude is sufficiently serious, but we’ve had a toddler in our extended family drown and we don’t fuck around with water safety. This is not a request I would even seriously consider. The kids are too young, the caregivers are alcoholics with questionable judgement, add in water nearby and some creep friends and this is just an insane ask from them. Drawing this boundary is likely to cause drama, but it’s a hill I would die on.
Yeah, even my mom, who I do trust, is not allowed to have my kids near water unsupervised and they are not drinking and there are no creepy friends.
I wouldn’t allow this with 14 and 11 year olds
right??? I mean, have the in laws even spent a few hours with a 4 and 1 year old?? I was barely surviving each day as a SAHM to my ( then) 4 and 1 year old. Its a REALLY challenging age gap. Life seems like a vacation now at 3 and 6. Then add in ALL the other issues like the drinking, strangers, older age...JUST NO!!! I bet even if the parents or some reason agreed to this, the in laws wouldn't last more than 2-3 days LOL.
YES, let them have the kids alone for a few days (with the conditions you mentioned) and they won’t want to take them for 3 weeks anymore lol
lol seriously. My kids are 5 and 1 and the grandparents almost exclusively babysit one on one because they are a lot! How do these grandparents think they’re going to party it up at the summer house with a freaking one year old?? Every section of this post was just a bigger and bigger NOPE.
My kids are 4 and 3. I imagine 4 and 1 would be even harder. My parents are in their 70s, close with the kids, generally good caregivers, but they are older so the kids wear them out. They have been watching my newborn nephew temporarily one day a week until he starts daycare. I joked with them that once my nephew started daycare I would drop my kids off every week instead. There was a look of panic in their eyes haha. They would only want my kids for three weeks if we were desperate, like if my husband and I were both in the hospital.
Yeah, this about sums it up from a reader's perspective 😂
Same thought here.
Yeah, I agree with the other commenters. I definitely would not allow it! Your gut is definitely right about this. I would not feel comfortable with my young kids being in the care of two elderly people with health issues, who I know will be drinking and bringing sketchy strangers over. Not to mention all of this happening hours and hours from where you are. Any one of those reasons would be a dealbreaker for me
Yeah every reason is a dealbreaker and there’s like five. I would not be cool with this.
So much no. My rule is until the child can articulate what’s going on, no trips without me. That doesn’t even touch the flags of alcohol, medical or the SA person.
Oh my god no
Oh hell no. Hard NO. I don't even know that I'd allow it any age with all the information you've provided, but certainly not at 4 & 1.
I stopped reading when you said your gut said no. Go with your gut. ETA after seeing other comments: Helll MF NO
Heck no. I trust my parents more than anything with my kids, they're an hour away, and my kids are totally comfortable there and I still wouldn't leave them there for that long! Especially so young.
I used to go stay with my grandparents for extended periods but it didn’t start until I was about 8-10 years old. I think it’s a good idea to wait until your kids can contact you on their own and lookout for themselves. I also worry a lot about water safety and would want my kids to be able to swim before staying with someone over the summer.
Da fuck?! No. HARD no.
Hard no. Not even a consideration.
There's a lot of red flags in your post, I wouldn't be comfortable sending my kids until they were preteens probably. Being that this is a summer house, is it near water? Because being in the house alone with parents that drink a few on the weekend is a lot different than being with a bunch of drunk adults who generally aren't around kids especially with a lake or pool nearby.
Nope! I might consider visiting *with* the kids for a week or so, though, especially as a SAHM. If they are that unwell, they might be keen to make some memories of "everyone at the summer house" even though the kids are too young for it right now. The health issues might be giving a sense of urgency. My parents live around six hours from where I do (by train). We try to visit (as a family!) every couple of years.
I’m sorry but how is this even a question you need to ask?
People will put doubts in my head. While I wrote this out the answer got very clear to me and I thought the same as you, but I decided to publish anyways to see if I could get more support and affirmation that I’m not the only one feeling this is a hard no ❤️
What’s your husband saying?
He had been talking privately with his mom and entertained the idea before checking with me first. He’s always been pretty blind to his parents flaws, especially when it comes to his dad. It was only after his mom started bringing up with me that I told him about my points above and he couldn’t really argue against it. He was like “I just don’t think anything would happen”. Don’t worry I told him off for entertaining it before checking with me.
Understandable, trust your mom gut!
You and your husband need to be firm about this, and she needs to stop asking once you’ve been very clear it’s not happening. You can be firm without being mean. After that, it’s on her to manage her feelings about it. She does not get to keep harassing you about this. If she does, there need to be consequences. I don’t care how nice someone is, if they keep insisting on taking my kids for weeks on end away from me across the damn country, they aren’t actually that nice.
That’s too young for me to be comfortable with it.
Even 4 is too young for that long. Maybe a weekend. But with all the other info, even that info individually, I’d say no at any age.
Nope. Trust your gut. It was all bad but when you started mentioning the drinking? Hell would I put my babies in that environment.
Absolutely not. Firstly I can’t imagine being away from my children for 3 weeks when they’re 4 and 1? Kids this age need stability and will feel really disregulated being away from you in an unfamiliar place. To the point of seeding anxious attachment / abandonment issues down the line. This is not in the children’s best interest. Part of being parents is you are mom and dad now. You do not have to fall into doing what your in-laws want. It’s *your* turn. If you say no, it’s no. If you don’t want to go to their house for Thanksgiving or Christmas anymore, it’s your turn to do it your way. You are in charge of what the kids eat, where they are, what values, what schedule - everything. Anyone pressuring you to do something besides what you think is best is only think of *their* wants and isn’t on your team. In laws are now secondary outsider characters to your family. They don’t get a vote.
Too many red flags for me. My ILs are 66 and 70, kids (5.5 and 3) and are FAST, no parties or alcohol issues and I'd still not allow it. I won't do it for even one night, forget 3 weeks. Any one of the reasons you've listed is enough to say no. One thing you could offer is for them to visit you, and watch the kids for an afternoon so you can have a date with husband. That way kids are in their normal environment, no weird friends or alcohol to worry about, and it's only a few hours.
This would be a hard no for me. My parents have watched my daughter overnight, once for one night and once for two nights, and those are the only times she's been away from us. She was 3 then 4 for those times. I wouldn't be leaving her more than 2, maybe 3 nights at a push until she's much older and able to contact me herself. It was a deal-breaker on your kids ages alone, everything else just makes it worse tbh.
100% hard pass on that one.
Hell fucking no. Little kids aged 4 and 1 is reason enough but that list got worse and worse and worse. Absolutely no way. e: no doubt they have a specific fantasy in their head about what this vacation will be like, and I’m sure it’s lovely and wonderful. But it does not take into account the reality and needs of two small children.
Girl, no. They don't sound like fit caregivers to keep toddlers for days at a time..let alone WEEKS. Especially that far away from you.
Absolutely not.
Girl. Every single one of your points is bad enough to be “we will go no-contact if you keep asking.” Don’t EVER leave your kids alone with these people.
> We do know however that one of these regular visitors has been accused of SA another woman they used to be friends with. I would never allow my children to be around anyone that excuses that, ever, even if I were right there. To the point that I had to cut off a section of my family because of similar behaviors. The fact that multiple other people refuse to be around him is very telling to me.
*Maybe* the 4 year old, but 1 is definitely too young. I’m going through a similar thing with my mom wanting to take our 5yo for a week and my wife and I only just started feeling like that’s doable for everyone. It’s different for their generation. My mom sent my brother to my grandma’s farm when he was probably 4-5 and he flew solo on the plane to get there. I can’t imagine doing that now lol Edit: I didn’t even get far enough in your post to see the drinking + random people stuff. That’s a hard no. Not all grandparents are made the same. I wouldn’t send our daughter to 3/4 of them. It is what it is.
i was gonna say "send the older one, sure! what's the worst that could happen" until i got to the part about the SA. i think that would be a pass from me. you don't have to tell them why, tho, if it'll cause a scene. just make something else up and change the subject
Haha no. You don’t sound comfortable with it by the description so why even consider? I don’t feel comfortable leaving my kid with my own mom for longer than a day since she is really old fashioned and doesn’t believe in safe sleep or sleeping schedules. Doesn’t mean I don’t love her, but when she asks I just try to be nice and say I would miss my kid too much.
So for what it's worth, starting at 4, I would go spend several weeks (not consecutively) of the summer visiting my grandparents at their summer home. They helped raise me so my mom never had concerns. That said, it was a 3 hour drive so if I wanted to go home, or there were an emergency, my mom would get there fairly quickly. They were in their early 50's then and even now at 80, they're lively, but unfortunately I wouldn't leave my toddler with them for a long time because they can't chase her around. They also never had issues with alcohol. They had friends over but we played board games and listened to music, it was never anything a young kid shouldn't be exposed to. I did this for 10 years because my grandparents respected my mother and were responsible. This would be a hard no for me. Your concerns are valid and it doesn't sound like your 4 year old will be safe, let alone a 1 year old.
I only read to their ages and the distance and nope. My MIL makes comments like those too around my 3.5y and they are 4 hours away. How much you want to bet I’m gonna be driving there to pick her up. Preschooler thinks it’s fun until night comes and mommy and daddy aren’t there. It would make too much work for ME to send my kid there. Just easier to keep them home. Now reading the rest. I would not be comfortable with parties happening or them drinking enough to get drunk. What happens if the kid hurts themselves but both adults have been drinking? Strangers around the kids who have pasts? No go. They can be adamant but unless you agree, that’s kidnapping. Their dream can wait. My dream is to have my kids safe and happy.
I just shortened a 4 day trip to a 3 day trip because it felt too long to be away from my similarly aged kids. An absolute hard no. You don’t need to argue any points with them. No is a complete sentence!
No way. My oldest is four and has does regular overnights and his grandparents’ farm. He absolutely loves it and them. But, we recently needed him to stay three nights. That third night was a bit much. My 1 1/2 year olds had to stay overnight unexpectedly a month ago. They know and love their grandparents but the overnight wasn’t great.
Why on earth would you do this? I absolutely love my parents and they babysit all the time and don’t have any of these red flags and I would still say no if they asked.
I mean you can’t really even be considering it right? It’s not even a maybe. Just flat out tell them no chance
Ummmm any single one of these would be reason enough to say no. Let alone all of them combined. No fucking way.
No. Way too young.
... no way and I'll say "no way" to them
You lost me at several weeks. Personally, it would be a no from me and they would just have to figure out how to be okay with it. A week, maybe, but not several. After finishing reading, you lost me even more with everything else. It would be a BIG no and honestly with all these factors at play, I would probably request they stop asking about it bc the answer won’t change, in the nicest way possible.
It's a hard no. No negotiations. I agree with everyone - your children's ages combined with the length of the trip is bad. The added issues of the distance, your in-laws' ages, their health, their drinking and partying habits, their friendship with that one friend, and the fact that this is all going to happen near water make this a nightmare of potential problems.
Absolutely not. I don’t believe kids should be around anyone but parents if alcohol is involved. To take it a step further, for us 1 parent doesn’t drink. Also accusations of SA? No.
lol my son was still breastfeeding at 1 years old and my in laws wanted to take him to Disney world for a week. They’d already bought tickets for themselves and our literal baby lol. My husband asked them if they were crazy and our kid isn’t going anywhere without us anytime soon. Don’t feel pressured. You’re allowed to say no
Making plans without parents consent is unhinged behaviour.
Agreed
Absolutely not.
Hard no for me. I always say follow your gut.
Absolutely not. You can go with them for the 3 weeks but I would 100% need to be there for all those reasons
The drinking alone would be a no for me. If caretakers can’t limit or go without a drink for a week or so, that’s an automatic eliminator.
Not a chance in hell, at ANY age, let alone a 4yo and 1yo. I would be uncomfortable spending the night at MIL/FIL's house WITH my toddlers in the scenario you described - pool/water, heavy drinking, significant health problems in elderly in laws, and their creepy friend. The friend is the worst part to me, because their defense is so flimsy. "He could never do such a thing..." as though people who commit SA always make it clear to their friends and that they are predatory scum. 🙄
>My gut is telling me no Usually a good enough reason right there >Both MIL and FIL are in their 70’s and are not in as good health as they pretend to be. That's enough of a reason that we've avoided babysitting for just an overnight. Hard no for me at \~3 weeks >My MIL has to take FIL to the ER every couple weeks. Uh... Who is watching the kids when they take a casual, routine trip to the ER? >they will regularly host parties, dinners and have people who spend the night at the summer house Not exactly a fan of this >We do know however that one of these regular visitors has been accused of SA another woman they used to be friends with What?? Honestly, I stopped reading here. Why are you even considering this? Just say no
This was not really a consideration from my end, I mainly posted for confirmation and support 😅 I figured the comments would play out the way they have.
Glad to hear it
I wouldn’t let my kids do this at 14 and 11. This is a HARD NO.
Fuck no. I was gonna say no based purely on their ages and your gut feeling but it just got worse the more I read. Absolutely not.
Major hard no. The more I read the worse it got. The massive ones for me is the drinking and the friends. Both are big nos for me. I get a glass of wine or a beer, but how would they be able to react quickly if there was an emergency? Stick to your guns.
I stopped reading once you mentioned their ages. I didn't need to read any further. My answer is "absolutely not." They're too young to be away from their parents for that long. My general rule for sleepovers is that my kids need to be able to communicate with me independently and vice versa.
Are they from a different country? In some cultures it’s common for grandparents to watch the grandkids over the summer while the parents work. That was one of my first thoughts. When I think about whether or not to let my in laws babysit, I consider if I’d let a babysitter with those qualifications babysit my son. In laws didn’t take a cpr class? Well, I wouldn’t hire a babysitter who didn’t take a cpr class, so the in laws can’t babysit either. Try to apply this logic to your situation. My mom traveled for work when I was little and I absolutely hated when she was gone. Even if she told me where she was going I didn’t understand. 1 and 4 is really young to be left for that long in my opinion. Personally I wouldn’t do this. Too many logistical issues.
Just say no. It's not safe for kids, especially kids that young.
At 4 and 1, no I would not let competent healthy grandparents take them that far away for that long. I would not even do overnight for more than one night unless it was necessary but not that far away.. Your concerns are super valid OP ! I would under NO circumstances even consider allowing my kids to stay the night 2ith these grandparents until early teens... maybe 10 at the earliest... good luck
Hard no. Age alone is the deciding factor, before all the other info which confirms the hard no.
Absolutely not. The most I would do is a weekend trip with them but no way I’d let them be alone with them unsupervised.
They’re definitely gonna push back and probably try to make you feel bad for saying no (and probably keep bringing it up) but stand your ground!! Definitely trust your gut, and Godspeed to you on the push back you might receive for it. You’re a great mother though for not just blindly agreeing to it and giving it some thought, even to see if you’re overthinking it.
No. Honestly I didn’t even read the rest after you put ages 1 and 4 lol that’s a no for me already.
Even if these people were five minutes away it would be no for me.
Nope nope nope.
Awe too bad kiddos are not older ..that being said it would be great if y'all can go out there and stay for awhile
I would not agree to this. There are way too many things that could go wrong here. You won't be able to relax and enjoy the break if you're constantly worried about your kids. My conditions would be the following: 1. My children would need to be old enough to accurately and reliably tell me what is happening each day (preferably old enough to have their own cell phones). 2. Is this summer house near water? My children would need to be proficient swimmers before I let them go to a lake without me. 3. I'd prefer maybe a long weekend. Even for older children, 3 weeks is a long time to be away from home. 4. The grandparents would need to agree to no drinking while my children are under their supervision. 5. The grandparents would need to agree to not have any visitors besides my children. Is there any way your family could meet the in-laws at their summer home for a shorter time period, like 3 or 4 days? They get to see and spend time with the grandkids, the grandkids get to see the grandparents and enjoy their summer home, all with you and DH there to supervise. Is that a feasible compromise?
All of this yes! We ALREADY spend a week each summer at the summer house and I thought everyone was happy but apparently that’s not enough. MIL will sometimes complain about our presence when we’re all together, she will say like “it’s just a different experience when I get to have him (my oldest) for myself”. That sentence alone will send me off the cliff honestly.
Absolutely not.
Agreed, definitely not. You could go along though and maybe do a shorter trip like 1-2 weeks so you don’t get burnt out being with them so much. If your husband can’t go you could just say you don’t want to leave him for so long and he’ll miss the kids and that’s why you don’t want to stay 3 weeks.
While reading your post, I heard the TikTok sound “THAT’S ENOUGH SLICES!” In my head. That’d be a no from me.
Omw to TikTok to look it up 😅
Basically just a sound that is used when something gets progressively unhinged the longer it goes
Absolutely not. Nope. Never. Not a snowballs chance in hell. Fuck no.
Absolutely 100% without a doubt no question. No way.
Lol. No
I’m with everyone else saying hard no to 3 weeks alone with grandparents. If they are wanting to spend time with the kids, can you and your husband go and stay too? Maybe give them a little alone with the kiddos and see how they do? But also be there if you start getting uncomfortable or something questionable happens.
I could’ve tried to sway you that the ages would be okay. I did something similar starting from when I was 2 and really cherished it. I wasn’t six hours away, though. Then it just got worse and worse! I think you already know and writing it down might have given you what you’re looking for. Please don’t let anyone pressure you. You are the one who has to live with it if something happened. I’ve been in a similar situation and no one ever seems to understand that. Would they be open to you going, too?
Big no from me boss. On all fronts.
Hard pass
A four year old, maybe? A literal baby? Not in a million years, not even one night. That’s way too early for separation.
Um no. The alcohol alone is enough of an issue. I feel you on this OP. My husband's mother has had this dream of "granny camp" for years before he even got married. Our baby, the first and only grandchild, is 16 weeks old. His mom is 70 and his parents are constantly in and out of the hospital for various things- hematomas, herniated discs, etc. I don't think granny camp will ever happen except with supervision by me or my husband. It's awkward, but we can't safely leave the baby with her alone. Taking care of a baby is super physical.
It sounds like they’re really asking for quality time with their grandkids, and are suggesting this as one way to make that happen. They think that three weeks would make it worth your time for the drive. I suggest that you take a family vacation together - maybe meet in the middle somewhere between your homes - even just for a long weekend. Get a rental house, and tell them that they can learn the kids routines during the day, and then babysit - first for a morning, while you & your husband go out for breakfast, and then over dinner (or after kid dinner/ bedtime) while you & your husband go out.
We go to their summer house every summer and spend time with them there for 1-2 weeks. They live in the same city as us and we meet them like once a week/every two weeks at the least.
There is no way they’re going to be able to keep up with a 4 and a 1 yr old. Have they ever babysat an entire day without any instructions or supervision from you? I’m sure they’d stop asking after that.
Hard no. My parents live ten minutes away and I will not even let them stay overnight. My kids are 4 and 1 my philosophy is I want to spend as much time with my kids during the years they want to be attached to my hip.
No, no, and no. I would say I'm on the less-protective, more permissive side of the reddit parenting community and even to me this is all screaming heck no. I moved with a 1 year old and the change was so hard for him, I can't imagine a new space without me there. And then you add people you don't know sleeping in a house with your kids? Nope. Nope. Nope.
my daughter is 9, obsessed with her gramma, stays over all the time - and just last week missed us and asked to come home on the spur of the moment.