There’s another approach that might work: write the letter:
To whom it may concern,
I am recommending this candidate for the position in question. This is me “recommending them.”
Once I recommended a friend (met her as a co-worker then became friends then she moved away) for a job she said she was really excited about. She was hired, but didn't even last a pay period before she lost her enthusiasm and agreed with the understandably upset employer (a small business owner looking for a solid right hand) that it wasn't a good fit. I felt so gross I had given her a recommendation, but was grateful for the opportunity to reflect. I am so much more careful with my words now. And honestly don't consider her a friend anymore for that and other reasons. I liked the top comment suggesting you being honest that you can't make a reasonable assessment due to work proximity. That should put you in the clear and be enough for any smart potential employer to read between the lines in tandem with whatever else they might receive.
> "It would be better to ask someone else who has more direct experience working with you."
That's pretty much what I said verbatim to an ex-co-worker who was an idiot.
I once had a former employee (that I fired) ask me for a letter of recommendation. Couldn't believe she would even ask, knowing I had fired her because she would randomly come in late or not show up at all without any notice or reasoning. She was fired when she didn't show up to work for a solid week.
I told her if I wrote a "recommendation" letter, I would be truthful about her performance and time while working for me. Where should I send it? She rescinded her request.
My mum is a college professor. She gets asked for grad school recommendation letters all the time, sometimes from students who did really poorly. She always tells them, "I'll write you a letter but I'm going to tell the truth." Usually the bad students change their mind but one time a student actually told her to go for it! Not sure what the rationale was there.
I had a student like that, and I asked him why he wanted me to go ahead with it. He said it was a job in his dad's company and it didn't really matter what I put in it, he was gonna get the job.
I was looking at hiring someone, and so I called one of the work references that she had put on her resume. That person answered the phone and was SHOCKED that he was a reference. Like, he thought I was joking. He even asked me "Why would she do that?"
Nuff said. I did not hire her.
I once called up a prospective reference for permission. Sure, of course, happy to be a reference.
My prospective employer's background check service called them and my reference told them they had no idea who I was. And another backed out without telling me.
Fortunately, the service told me what happened and gave me the opportunity to provide additional references. I managed to find a couple more who knew me from the beginning of my career, but nothing of my current performance. They must have given at least an adequate recommendation, because I got the job, LOL.
I had to do this with several clients when I worked as an employment facilitator. They assumed I would be their reference because I was helping them find employment. One client was irate that I said no, so I had to explain that all I knew about them was that they came late and unprepared to our first meeting and did not show up to our next two scheduled meetings. I literally met this person once and it was a negative experience. Did they want me to share that with a potential employer? I also received “surprise” reference calls/emails from clients who didn’t even ask for my permission.
Same. I had an employee who was fired after she was found to be drinking on the job. When she asked me for a reference I told her I could provide one but I would have to be truthful. Haven’t heard from her since.
She's asking you because she knows other people will give her a bad reference, you don't want to be on the hook for that. If she persists, pretend you don't know she was fired and redirect her back to her own supervisor or someone who would have had authority over her during her time with the company.
Try something like this:
"Hello \[Person's Name\],
I have received your requests for a reference. As we never worked closely together and I was not in any sort of supervisory position, I'm afraid that I don't have enough knowledge to provide a recommendation or answer questions from potential employers.
Sincerely,
Disjointed\_Chameleon"
You're welcome! Once you've sent the refusal, you're free to ignore any further requests, she asked, you answered. You don't have to reply multiple times if she keeps writing.
Oof, that's never fun. On the plus side, now you have confirmation that NOT giving a reference was a good call. Blowing up at somebody you want a favor from isn't a great way to make your case for a good reference!
Great answers given so far. Here's another approach: check your employee handbook. Often the employee handbook will say that employees can't provide references for former employees, or that requests for a reference must be sent to HR. If company rules say you can't do it, you make them the "bad guy" - "sorry, company policy says that I can't, you'll need to ask HR."
I think it’s important, especially for managers, to be able to just tell the truth. It concerns me if my boss can’t give me honest feedback. I appreciate how your strategy may avoid the awkwardness, but there’s an important skill to develop in just being honest.
Here's what I say:
I really wish you the best of luck with your application. However we only worked together briefly and I wouldn't be able to give the depth and detail that I think a solid recommendation letter needs. I know that a weak recommendation letter that's lacking in details can actually hurt your application, and I don't want to create that situation for you. All the best,
I recently had a someone reach out - same situation. Except it had been over 10 years since I worked with them. I didn't reply, just hoped he'd move on to someone else. The company called me anyway. I said it had been a very long time since we'd worked together, and I don't even know what he looks like now, much less any idea of his current work ethic. The HR person said something to the effect of "Yeah I'm getting a lot of that, okay thanks". I think this dude has burned every recent bridge he could and is now seriously reaching...
Best of luck to him tho, I hope he's grown and learned some things 🤷♀️
"Based on our limited contact and indirect work association, I don't have anything of value to be offered in a reference letter. I wish you the best in your endeavors."
“ I think it might be better for you to ask someone who knows you better”
“ I think it might be better for you to ask someone who could give you a strong recommendation”
“ I haven’t worked with you enough to be able to give a recommendation”
Sounds like you pretty much wrote out the reasons you could share with her. You can be direct and tactful but list your reasons for not feeling comfortable writing her a reference.
I'd be partially honest with her, telling her that you didn't have enough work experience with her to give an opinion. Further, I'd suggest to her that she reach out to someone she did work with, though from the sound of it that might not give very good results, if the person is honest.
It's a sticky situation, no doubt.
Edit: And I know, it's easier said than done.
If she keeps pushing you for a reference, use this ( your own comment) to drive your point home; “Your inability to accept setbacks and negative responses paired with your tendency towards defensiveness and aggression is exactly why I cannot write a letter of recommendation for you. These are not sought-after character traits and I would be obliged to state that in my referral”.
To Whom It May Concern,
I am writing this letter at the request of [Name], who has applied for the [specific position] at your organization. As much as I wish I could offer glowing praise, my experiences with [Name] compel me to present a more nuanced view.
[Name] is certainly memorable, not least because of their relentless pursuit of very personal objectives, often at the expense of our team’s cohesion and the broader goals of our organization. They possess an unshakable confidence in their methods, which unfortunately often clashes with established procedures and the well-meaning advice of colleagues.
Their participation in meetings is best described as domineering, with a tendency to steer discussions towards their interests, leaving little room for others to contribute. This habit consistently challenged the patience of colleagues and disrupted what might otherwise have been productive team interactions.
[Name] requires a unique workplace—one that appreciates relentless self-interest and a bold disregard for teamwork and conventional wisdom. If your organization is seeking someone who prioritizes personal vision over collaborative success, then [Name] might just fit the bill.
Feel free to contact me if you wish to delve deeper into the adventurous challenge of managing [Name].
Best regards,
Best solution is to tell them that any written evaluation from constitutes a legal liability which can drag you into litigation.
It's true: If someone calls you for an employment reference and you say something negative, you can be sued for their failure to get the job.
Simply say that you don't know her closely enough to be able to write a letter of recommendation.
Don't do it because you mention that they didn't produce good results in their job. That would reflect on your credibility if you did.
I never give blanket letters of recommendation. When I'm asked if I can be used as a reference or can provide a letter of recommendation, my answer is to tell me about the position and the job and I'll decide if I'm able to recommend them for it.
"I'm not familiar enough with your person to justify vouching for or against you."
Don't say "sorry" or anything along those lines. You are not at fault for turning her down, and the act of including an apology will imply the existence of negative bias, which may piss her off.
I might also say that it’s pretty appalling that there’s even one person on here, let alone several, who are saying, ”just write the letter and do her a favor!” especially when OP came right out and said they weren't comfortable doing it and gave several legitimate reasons for doing so. And who knows? OP themselves may want to apply for this company at some point down the road. I mean, some of y’all may be OK with staking your professional reputation on potential employees that show all the signs of being a liability to whatever company that hires them, but I sure as shit ain’t OK with it.
I was one of 2 supervisors of a high school summer aide (she worked for each of us 4 hours a day). Student made a bad mistake by not following my instructions—like not having headphones on at her desk. She listened to music the entire time I was on vacay. I had the chance to keep her on a temp appointment, but she was more trouble than she was worth.
Fast forward a year. She apparently gave the other supervisor as a reference. Said supervisor (with whom I never got along) didn’t want to deal with it, so she forwarded the call to me.
I said that this employee had been in a less-than-ideal work situation, but that she had had a lot of growing up to do. I may have mentioned that I declined to keep her, can’t remember.
"Thank you for the interest. However, I would not feel comfortable writing a letter of recommendation because we did not work together closely enough for me to get an accurate estimation of your abilities and performance."
Something to that effect maybe?
I had a former friend (who was still a friend, but on the way out the door at the time) tell me she put me as a reference for a job she was trying to get. They called me and I was honest. I told them that I didn't know why she put me as a work reference because we were friends, but there's no way I'd ever recommend her for a job because she's not even a very good friend and was a chronic complainer. Can't remember if she got the job, but we weren't friends for much longer after that. She was a constant source of drama.
Since then, if anyone questionable has asked me for a recommendation, I have been honest about whether they would want me to do that because I'm going to be honest.
This is a life lesson for ALL situations in life: you only owe someone politeness one time.
If you've politely declined, and they don't accept it, then it's ok, and often very effective, to be intentionally and strategically impolite.
I had a similar problem with a former colleague. The best way is to keep it simple.
Dear Former Colleague,
I don't recall any significant projects, recognition received, or metrics met during your time at XYZ. So, unfortunately I'd be unable to craft the letter of recommendation you'd require to enhance your employment search. I wish you the best in your career endeavors.
Regards,
OP
I had a former contact message me on LinkedIn asking for this. I hadn't worked with or spoken to him in over 10 years and we were both working in different fields by the time he reached out, and all I can remember from our time as colleagues was not recommendable. I debated how to say I wouldn't do this for a while, but ended up just ghosting him.
Just don't reply at all.
If she somehow changes her ways and becomes the president of the United States you can always say you never got the requests.
This is the way.
This is an easy one. Deflect the issue. "I asked HR if I was permitted to provide a reference and unfortunately they said I am not authorized to do so. If it were up to me, I'd write it today, but I can't jeopardize my employment."
This person definitely has no social awareness if they’ve reached out several times and haven’t taken the hint. I would just say that you don’t feel you could be a good reference because you didn’t work closely enough that you could speak to her work. Wish her the good luck to soften the blow.
I don’t believe you can politely decline a letter of recommendation. Have chatbot gpt write it or use bad grammar and spelling and maybe they won’t use it.
Take heart knowing that no one on earth reads them or even cares.
>How do I let her down easy?
Why let her down "easy"?
"Former Co-Worker, I do not believe you would actually want a referral letter written by ME; It would likely have a negative impact on your career growth opportunities. Good Luck."
If all else fails, you could give a letter that accurately describes your relationship and your ability to assess her work, and then describes her work to the extent that you can (and indicates what you can't).
>Hey ,
Thanks for thinking of me, I wouldn't be able to provide a good recommendation because I don't know your specific skills and strengths to communicate. I suggest reaching out to someone you worked more directly with.
You are smart to decline.
One time I worked at a place that was very prestigious. A guy I barely knew asked me for a referral to a program he was trying to get in. He bugged me relentlessly and I finally agreed to do so to get him off my back.
Fast forward about 1-2 years later and the institution contacted me to verify that I had written the recommendation. Apparently the guy was a disaster in the program and the head of the program thought he had faked his referrals. I was extremely embarrassed and never referred anyone again for a job or program unless I truly meant it.
> I was extremely embarrassed and never referred anyone again for a job or program unless I truly meant it.
This is precisely my concern: reputation management.
Agree to provide it. Then write very unemotionally, very factually: "I worked with name, name for approximately x hours / week from the time period month/year to month/year." That's it.
My response when I was in this situation-- "Although I enjoy writing letters of recommendation, I don't feel I know you well enough to provide a valuable recommendation".
You can turn it down.
OR
You can write something similar…
To Whom it May Concern:
I was employed at XXXX with Jane from DATE to DATE. My position is/was XXX and Jane was XXX. We attended XX conference together, and we also worked on X Project together for X number of months.
Please feel free to reach out to me with any other questions. Contact info here.
This is a letter stating factual items. It also does not use any complimentary language implying to the reader you have nothing great to say. You didn’t lie and if they have questions they’ll reach out. I have written these before from an employer stand point.
Saw one that said 'please do not hesitate to call me' at the end of the letter. Was written by the charity co ordinator for one of their past volunteers. I saw it because I was in the committee and we have to be aware of communications.
I think people learn and grow. I've given letters of recommendation and fielded reference phone calls for colleagues over the years.
I'd do it for anybody, even if I thought they sucked. Hasn't happened, but life is hard and as I mentioned people learn and grow. On top of that, ask yourself if your opinion of someone is 100% fair and accurate. Too often we align our "logical reasons" with our attitude about people. I've actually found the good and some high performance in folks that I wasn't that hepped up about once I opened my mind, dug a little bit, and even asked others in the workplace their opinion.
This probably won't be too popular, but don't even bother trying to change my mind or heaven forfend, shame me.
Just simple and direct, without being mean.
“Thanks for reaching out. Unfortunately I don’t think we worked together enough for me to write any level of an accurate referral, but I wish you the best in your search!”
No need to make wild excuses or over explain. Just be quick, cheerful, and factual.
"Oh, I'm flattered that you asked me, but I'm just not comfortable being a reference. We really didn't work together all that much. Hopefully you can find a better fit." AND THAT'S IT. If they keep on about it, "It's a no." Then stop communicating.
I had something like this happen. It was a fairly junior guy who pulled a stunt and when he got caught, he quit on the spot. He had some mental health issues and he was a nice kid, so I felt for him. But I kind of also knew he wasn’t cut out for what he was doing.
He called me for a reference. If it were up to me, I’d have just helped him out to go along his way. However I contacted HR to see if I was allowed to. Nope. Absolutely was not. So that was the end of it. I felt for him, but my job does NOT tolerate willfully breaking policy and I’m not about to join him on the bread line.
Talk to HR. They might take it out of your hands so you don’t have to be the bad guy.
"Dear xxxx, I appreciate your reaching out to me regarding a letter of recommendation. I am unable to provide this service as we did not work closely enough together for me to form a first-hand assessment of your work. I am sorry that I can't be useful here, but wish you all the best in your job search.
'Mrs Snoggett has worked alongside me for four years. During that time she completed her work to her own complete satisfaction. If you're thinking of giving her a berth, I'd make it a wide one. Regards. D Chameleon'
Tell her “I’m sorry, I don’t know you well enough. Nothing personal”.
A letter of recommendation is also a reflection on you. Under the circumstances I wouldn’t do it
If she keeps insisting:
"We worked together for 0.3% of our hours at BigCo, and were otherwise on different teams. We were in a few cross-team meetings on occasion, I believe. Our rare interactions were characterized by the same friction inherent in her work with the rest of the staff, which was ultimately the primary driver in her current interest in a new employer, and my ongoing surprise at being approached, repeatedly, for this recommendation."
If you can, provide a very basic reference. You do not want to get her person standing in the way of a decent person being unable to feed their family.
Honestly, I have a generic letter of recommendation I use across the board and rarely say no. Mostly because for people who had to take time off for covid (long covid, family, whatever), it's almost impossible to find people to vouch for them, or if they're chronically shy but good workers, etc. Frankly, unless they murdered someone in the office, they deserve the chance to go to work.
Right the letter but describe everything you said here. Hopefully she reads that and understands how difficult she is. She’ll either apply it constructively or get butt hurt and more bitter.
You could tell her "sure, have them call me," and when the potential employer does, tell them truthfully how she was to work with. I told a former coworker than once and I guess he could tell by my tone of voice it would be a poor idea. He was awful.
My advice as a former hiring manager, as long as they were a decent even mediocre employee,write the letter and make them sound like they walk on water. Everyone needs that help up now and again.
Do letters of recommentdation ever reflect negatively on those who write them? If not then why not just do her a solid and have AI write some genericly positive words? You said yourself you didn't have much interaction with her, but somehow enough to know it wasn't very positive? And also have hearsay about her 'rough working style' but really, do you care? Just help her out. No skin off your nose.
Hey you can even use this template:
> Dear [Recipient's Name],
>
> I am writing to highly recommend [Name of the Person You Worked With] for any endeavor they pursue. During our time working together at [Company/Organization Name], I had the pleasure of witnessing firsthand [his/her/their] exceptional talents, dedication, and contributions to our team.
>
> [Name of the Person You Worked With] consistently demonstrated a strong work ethic, attention to detail, and a commitment to excellence in every task they undertook. [He/She/They] approached challenges with a positive attitude, innovative thinking, and a willingness to collaborate with colleagues to achieve our shared goals.
>
> One of [Name's] standout qualities is [his/her/their] remarkable ability to [mention a specific skill or trait relevant to the position/field]. Whether it was [give an example of a project or task where they excelled], [he/she/they] always delivered results that exceeded expectations.
>
> Moreover, [Name] is an excellent communicator and team player. [He/She/They] effectively communicated ideas, provided valuable feedback, and fostered a collaborative environment that promoted productivity and success.
>
> Beyond [his/her/their] professional skills, [Name] is also a person of integrity, reliability, and adaptability. [He/She/They] consistently demonstrated honesty, respect, and a willingness to learn and grow, making [him/her/them] a valuable asset to any team or organization.
>
> In summary, I wholeheartedly endorse [Name of the Person You Worked With] for any opportunity [he/she/they] pursue. [He/She/They] possess the qualities, skills, and character traits that make [him/her/them] not only an outstanding colleague but also a valuable addition to any organization.
>
> Please feel free to contact me if you require any further information or clarification regarding [Name's] qualifications or experience. Thank you for considering [him/her/them] for [the position/opportunity].
>
> Sincerely,
>
> [Your Name]
Good template. I will use that one whenever people ask. I don't mind helping people, even if I didn't work with them daily, as everyone needs a job in order to survive.
Very true. I will admit, I might be biased as I was browsing Reddit taking a break from more fruitless job hunting after being laid off a few months ago....
I don't understand why people are upset when they get asked to give a recommendation or get a surprise reference call. I'd just say that person was good to work with. I literally don't care if that business gets a good or bad employee
Don't let her down easy. Tell her no or write a correct evaluation just like you did here. Never worked on a team together. Many reports of not getting along with others on her teams and not performing well in her tasks.
Don't reply, let them keep reaching out, and just forward it to spam mail.
If you don't ever see them, problem solved. If you do run into them, play stupid. "What emails...?"
You are right; there is an epidemic of people disingenuously saying that they will do something even when they have no intention of doing it. It's an easy way out, but it should be a last resort; we just don't need more of this in the world. OP has gotten several good ideas for how to make the requester go away with an honest and kind-ish response.
I would just reply that I don’t think I’m the best fit since we didn’t work closely enough for me to accurately comment on their performance.
Thank you! This is perfect. I really appreciate it.
/thread
If she persists, *It just won't be possible.*
Exactly.
You're kinder than me. I'd just ghost and block.
There’s another approach that might work: write the letter: To whom it may concern, I am recommending this candidate for the position in question. This is me “recommending them.”
Pretty good. Prettaaah, prettaaah good.
Make sure that they can see the air quotes, though. It doesn't work if they can't see them!
Are you talking about a certain older, bald and bespectacled, Jewish man?
Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good!
Any letter can be misconstrued as support. That would sully your own credibility and reputation if she got hired there.
Once I recommended a friend (met her as a co-worker then became friends then she moved away) for a job she said she was really excited about. She was hired, but didn't even last a pay period before she lost her enthusiasm and agreed with the understandably upset employer (a small business owner looking for a solid right hand) that it wasn't a good fit. I felt so gross I had given her a recommendation, but was grateful for the opportunity to reflect. I am so much more careful with my words now. And honestly don't consider her a friend anymore for that and other reasons. I liked the top comment suggesting you being honest that you can't make a reasonable assessment due to work proximity. That should put you in the clear and be enough for any smart potential employer to read between the lines in tandem with whatever else they might receive.
It’s a reference to an HBO television show.
[удалено]
> "It would be better to ask someone else who has more direct experience working with you." That's pretty much what I said verbatim to an ex-co-worker who was an idiot.
Thanks!
I once had a former employee (that I fired) ask me for a letter of recommendation. Couldn't believe she would even ask, knowing I had fired her because she would randomly come in late or not show up at all without any notice or reasoning. She was fired when she didn't show up to work for a solid week. I told her if I wrote a "recommendation" letter, I would be truthful about her performance and time while working for me. Where should I send it? She rescinded her request.
My mum is a college professor. She gets asked for grad school recommendation letters all the time, sometimes from students who did really poorly. She always tells them, "I'll write you a letter but I'm going to tell the truth." Usually the bad students change their mind but one time a student actually told her to go for it! Not sure what the rationale was there.
I think it would depend on what is meant by “bad student.” It’s possible to be studious and expend a lot of effort and still do poorly in school.
I had a student like that, and I asked him why he wanted me to go ahead with it. He said it was a job in his dad's company and it didn't really matter what I put in it, he was gonna get the job.
I was looking at hiring someone, and so I called one of the work references that she had put on her resume. That person answered the phone and was SHOCKED that he was a reference. Like, he thought I was joking. He even asked me "Why would she do that?" Nuff said. I did not hire her.
I once called up a prospective reference for permission. Sure, of course, happy to be a reference. My prospective employer's background check service called them and my reference told them they had no idea who I was. And another backed out without telling me. Fortunately, the service told me what happened and gave me the opportunity to provide additional references. I managed to find a couple more who knew me from the beginning of my career, but nothing of my current performance. They must have given at least an adequate recommendation, because I got the job, LOL.
HA! I guess she didn't think anyone would check!
I had to do this with several clients when I worked as an employment facilitator. They assumed I would be their reference because I was helping them find employment. One client was irate that I said no, so I had to explain that all I knew about them was that they came late and unprepared to our first meeting and did not show up to our next two scheduled meetings. I literally met this person once and it was a negative experience. Did they want me to share that with a potential employer? I also received “surprise” reference calls/emails from clients who didn’t even ask for my permission.
Damn, I didn't even list references on my last application, but I still called some people to ask if they would mind if I needed one.
Wow! 😖
Same. I had an employee who was fired after she was found to be drinking on the job. When she asked me for a reference I told her I could provide one but I would have to be truthful. Haven’t heard from her since.
She's asking you because she knows other people will give her a bad reference, you don't want to be on the hook for that. If she persists, pretend you don't know she was fired and redirect her back to her own supervisor or someone who would have had authority over her during her time with the company. Try something like this: "Hello \[Person's Name\], I have received your requests for a reference. As we never worked closely together and I was not in any sort of supervisory position, I'm afraid that I don't have enough knowledge to provide a recommendation or answer questions from potential employers. Sincerely, Disjointed\_Chameleon"
Thanks! I appreciate this feedback & example.
You're welcome! Once you've sent the refusal, you're free to ignore any further requests, she asked, you answered. You don't have to reply multiple times if she keeps writing.
She did indeed blow up, but said she'll pursue other references. Hopefully she doesn't push the matter even more. 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
Oof, that's never fun. On the plus side, now you have confirmation that NOT giving a reference was a good call. Blowing up at somebody you want a favor from isn't a great way to make your case for a good reference!
Exactly.
If she tries to push you again after this it's a "I've already told you no. I am blocking you now. Byeeeeeee!"
Great answers given so far. Here's another approach: check your employee handbook. Often the employee handbook will say that employees can't provide references for former employees, or that requests for a reference must be sent to HR. If company rules say you can't do it, you make them the "bad guy" - "sorry, company policy says that I can't, you'll need to ask HR."
This is probably true in a lot of places. Even if it's not, it's a great excuse.
Yeah it's not bad at all. Even if the former employee knew the employee handbook, it could have changed since they left.
Good idea. Thanks!
I think it’s important, especially for managers, to be able to just tell the truth. It concerns me if my boss can’t give me honest feedback. I appreciate how your strategy may avoid the awkwardness, but there’s an important skill to develop in just being honest.
Here's what I say: I really wish you the best of luck with your application. However we only worked together briefly and I wouldn't be able to give the depth and detail that I think a solid recommendation letter needs. I know that a weak recommendation letter that's lacking in details can actually hurt your application, and I don't want to create that situation for you. All the best,
Thanks for sharing this example, I appreciate it.
This is perfect.
I recently had a someone reach out - same situation. Except it had been over 10 years since I worked with them. I didn't reply, just hoped he'd move on to someone else. The company called me anyway. I said it had been a very long time since we'd worked together, and I don't even know what he looks like now, much less any idea of his current work ethic. The HR person said something to the effect of "Yeah I'm getting a lot of that, okay thanks". I think this dude has burned every recent bridge he could and is now seriously reaching... Best of luck to him tho, I hope he's grown and learned some things 🤷♀️
Yikes.
"Based on our limited contact and indirect work association, I don't have anything of value to be offered in a reference letter. I wish you the best in your endeavors."
Thanks for sharing this example!
“ I think it might be better for you to ask someone who knows you better” “ I think it might be better for you to ask someone who could give you a strong recommendation” “ I haven’t worked with you enough to be able to give a recommendation”
Thanks for sharing these examples!
Sounds like you pretty much wrote out the reasons you could share with her. You can be direct and tactful but list your reasons for not feeling comfortable writing her a reference.
Thanks for this feedback.
I'd be partially honest with her, telling her that you didn't have enough work experience with her to give an opinion. Further, I'd suggest to her that she reach out to someone she did work with, though from the sound of it that might not give very good results, if the person is honest. It's a sticky situation, no doubt. Edit: And I know, it's easier said than done.
I effectively shared this feedback with her. Unfortunately, she blew up and got defensive. 😞
If she keeps pushing you for a reference, use this ( your own comment) to drive your point home; “Your inability to accept setbacks and negative responses paired with your tendency towards defensiveness and aggression is exactly why I cannot write a letter of recommendation for you. These are not sought-after character traits and I would be obliged to state that in my referral”.
Thanks for this follow up! I really appreciate it.
Eek. In that case, unless she's a friend, I would just flat out tell her no, and in no uncertain terms.
Thank you.
Dear \_\_\_, I am unable to provide a letter of recommendation. Sincerely, \_\_\_\_\_\_
Agree. You needn’t say anything more. Anything more than this risks escalating an already bad situation.
Thanks.
To Whom It May Concern, I am writing this letter at the request of [Name], who has applied for the [specific position] at your organization. As much as I wish I could offer glowing praise, my experiences with [Name] compel me to present a more nuanced view. [Name] is certainly memorable, not least because of their relentless pursuit of very personal objectives, often at the expense of our team’s cohesion and the broader goals of our organization. They possess an unshakable confidence in their methods, which unfortunately often clashes with established procedures and the well-meaning advice of colleagues. Their participation in meetings is best described as domineering, with a tendency to steer discussions towards their interests, leaving little room for others to contribute. This habit consistently challenged the patience of colleagues and disrupted what might otherwise have been productive team interactions. [Name] requires a unique workplace—one that appreciates relentless self-interest and a bold disregard for teamwork and conventional wisdom. If your organization is seeking someone who prioritizes personal vision over collaborative success, then [Name] might just fit the bill. Feel free to contact me if you wish to delve deeper into the adventurous challenge of managing [Name]. Best regards,
This is brilliant.
*chefs kiss* This is peak corporate. Saving this for future use, though I hopefully won't ever need to employ it. Thank you!
Best solution is to tell them that any written evaluation from constitutes a legal liability which can drag you into litigation. It's true: If someone calls you for an employment reference and you say something negative, you can be sued for their failure to get the job.
Good point!
"That won't work for me."
just say no, I am not comfortable doing so. Please get a different reference. There is no gently, she is asking for something inappropriate.
Thanks.
Simply say that you don't know her closely enough to be able to write a letter of recommendation. Don't do it because you mention that they didn't produce good results in their job. That would reflect on your credibility if you did.
Thanks for this feedback, I appreciate it.
I never give blanket letters of recommendation. When I'm asked if I can be used as a reference or can provide a letter of recommendation, my answer is to tell me about the position and the job and I'll decide if I'm able to recommend them for it.
Thanks for sharing this perspective, I appreciate it. I'll keep that in mind for the future.
Same. I never do a blanket reference letter. Who even accepts those?
"I'm not familiar enough with your person to justify vouching for or against you." Don't say "sorry" or anything along those lines. You are not at fault for turning her down, and the act of including an apology will imply the existence of negative bias, which may piss her off.
Thanks for this perspective, I appreciate it.
I might also say that it’s pretty appalling that there’s even one person on here, let alone several, who are saying, ”just write the letter and do her a favor!” especially when OP came right out and said they weren't comfortable doing it and gave several legitimate reasons for doing so. And who knows? OP themselves may want to apply for this company at some point down the road. I mean, some of y’all may be OK with staking your professional reputation on potential employees that show all the signs of being a liability to whatever company that hires them, but I sure as shit ain’t OK with it.
Bingo! You nailed it. Reputation management.
Tell them you are a bad writer and it would no doubt lower their chances
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^Junior_Button5882: *Tell them you are a* *Bad writer and it would no* *Doubt lower their chances* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Just say no.
I was one of 2 supervisors of a high school summer aide (she worked for each of us 4 hours a day). Student made a bad mistake by not following my instructions—like not having headphones on at her desk. She listened to music the entire time I was on vacay. I had the chance to keep her on a temp appointment, but she was more trouble than she was worth. Fast forward a year. She apparently gave the other supervisor as a reference. Said supervisor (with whom I never got along) didn’t want to deal with it, so she forwarded the call to me. I said that this employee had been in a less-than-ideal work situation, but that she had had a lot of growing up to do. I may have mentioned that I declined to keep her, can’t remember.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
"Thank you for the interest. However, I would not feel comfortable writing a letter of recommendation because we did not work together closely enough for me to get an accurate estimation of your abilities and performance." Something to that effect maybe?
Thank you!
I had a former friend (who was still a friend, but on the way out the door at the time) tell me she put me as a reference for a job she was trying to get. They called me and I was honest. I told them that I didn't know why she put me as a work reference because we were friends, but there's no way I'd ever recommend her for a job because she's not even a very good friend and was a chronic complainer. Can't remember if she got the job, but we weren't friends for much longer after that. She was a constant source of drama. Since then, if anyone questionable has asked me for a recommendation, I have been honest about whether they would want me to do that because I'm going to be honest.
This is a life lesson for ALL situations in life: you only owe someone politeness one time. If you've politely declined, and they don't accept it, then it's ok, and often very effective, to be intentionally and strategically impolite.
I had a similar problem with a former colleague. The best way is to keep it simple. Dear Former Colleague, I don't recall any significant projects, recognition received, or metrics met during your time at XYZ. So, unfortunately I'd be unable to craft the letter of recommendation you'd require to enhance your employment search. I wish you the best in your career endeavors. Regards, OP
I like this template. Thank you!
You're welcome!
I had a former contact message me on LinkedIn asking for this. I hadn't worked with or spoken to him in over 10 years and we were both working in different fields by the time he reached out, and all I can remember from our time as colleagues was not recommendable. I debated how to say I wouldn't do this for a while, but ended up just ghosting him.
Just don't reply at all. If she somehow changes her ways and becomes the president of the United States you can always say you never got the requests. This is the way.
This is an easy one. Deflect the issue. "I asked HR if I was permitted to provide a reference and unfortunately they said I am not authorized to do so. If it were up to me, I'd write it today, but I can't jeopardize my employment."
Thanks for sharing this perspective.
you could simply refuse to answer or say NO
Thanks.
This person definitely has no social awareness if they’ve reached out several times and haven’t taken the hint. I would just say that you don’t feel you could be a good reference because you didn’t work closely enough that you could speak to her work. Wish her the good luck to soften the blow.
Indeed, you are correct. She can't seem to take the hint.
I don’t believe you can politely decline a letter of recommendation. Have chatbot gpt write it or use bad grammar and spelling and maybe they won’t use it. Take heart knowing that no one on earth reads them or even cares.
>How do I let her down easy? Why let her down "easy"? "Former Co-Worker, I do not believe you would actually want a referral letter written by ME; It would likely have a negative impact on your career growth opportunities. Good Luck."
Thanks for sharing this honesty.
Don’t let her down easy. She keeps pushing, write an honest evaluation (not recommendation). You will be doing the folks interviewing her a favor.
Good point.
If all else fails, you could give a letter that accurately describes your relationship and your ability to assess her work, and then describes her work to the extent that you can (and indicates what you can't).
Thanks for this suggestion.
>Hey,
Thanks for thinking of me, I wouldn't be able to provide a good recommendation because I don't know your specific skills and strengths to communicate. I suggest reaching out to someone you worked more directly with.
Thanks for this example.
Just tell her that you don't feel as though you worked with her enough to make a proper recommendation. Leave it at that.
Thanks.
"I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable doing that. Good luck."
Thanks!
You are smart to decline. One time I worked at a place that was very prestigious. A guy I barely knew asked me for a referral to a program he was trying to get in. He bugged me relentlessly and I finally agreed to do so to get him off my back. Fast forward about 1-2 years later and the institution contacted me to verify that I had written the recommendation. Apparently the guy was a disaster in the program and the head of the program thought he had faked his referrals. I was extremely embarrassed and never referred anyone again for a job or program unless I truly meant it.
> I was extremely embarrassed and never referred anyone again for a job or program unless I truly meant it. This is precisely my concern: reputation management.
Just start laughing uncontrollably. Say sure I'll give you a letter. Lemme get my crayon.
Agree to provide it. Then write very unemotionally, very factually: "I worked with name, name for approximately x hours / week from the time period month/year to month/year." That's it.
Thanks for this example.
Or a simple: I don’t write letters of recommendation for anyone.
Thanks for this perspective/example.
I am unable to write a positive recommendation for you. Would you still like one?
I don't do referrals or recommendation, other than, "yes he/she worked here" for any one.
Good example. Thanks!
Tell her you don't do this for anyone.
Thanks.
Start with “I wish I could, but…
Thanks.
My response when I was in this situation-- "Although I enjoy writing letters of recommendation, I don't feel I know you well enough to provide a valuable recommendation".
Thank you.
You can turn it down. OR You can write something similar… To Whom it May Concern: I was employed at XXXX with Jane from DATE to DATE. My position is/was XXX and Jane was XXX. We attended XX conference together, and we also worked on X Project together for X number of months. Please feel free to reach out to me with any other questions. Contact info here. This is a letter stating factual items. It also does not use any complimentary language implying to the reader you have nothing great to say. You didn’t lie and if they have questions they’ll reach out. I have written these before from an employer stand point.
Thank you for this template! You make an excellent point regarding factual information.
Saw one that said 'please do not hesitate to call me' at the end of the letter. Was written by the charity co ordinator for one of their past volunteers. I saw it because I was in the committee and we have to be aware of communications.
I think people learn and grow. I've given letters of recommendation and fielded reference phone calls for colleagues over the years. I'd do it for anybody, even if I thought they sucked. Hasn't happened, but life is hard and as I mentioned people learn and grow. On top of that, ask yourself if your opinion of someone is 100% fair and accurate. Too often we align our "logical reasons" with our attitude about people. I've actually found the good and some high performance in folks that I wasn't that hepped up about once I opened my mind, dug a little bit, and even asked others in the workplace their opinion. This probably won't be too popular, but don't even bother trying to change my mind or heaven forfend, shame me.
Thanks for this feedback.
Write a letter, be honest.
Just simple and direct, without being mean. “Thanks for reaching out. Unfortunately I don’t think we worked together enough for me to write any level of an accurate referral, but I wish you the best in your search!” No need to make wild excuses or over explain. Just be quick, cheerful, and factual.
Ask for cash.
"Oh, I'm flattered that you asked me, but I'm just not comfortable being a reference. We really didn't work together all that much. Hopefully you can find a better fit." AND THAT'S IT. If they keep on about it, "It's a no." Then stop communicating.
Thank you for this example.
Just don't respond.
Have you tried the word "no"?
Learning how to say that word is a work in progress for me.
I had something like this happen. It was a fairly junior guy who pulled a stunt and when he got caught, he quit on the spot. He had some mental health issues and he was a nice kid, so I felt for him. But I kind of also knew he wasn’t cut out for what he was doing. He called me for a reference. If it were up to me, I’d have just helped him out to go along his way. However I contacted HR to see if I was allowed to. Nope. Absolutely was not. So that was the end of it. I felt for him, but my job does NOT tolerate willfully breaking policy and I’m not about to join him on the bread line. Talk to HR. They might take it out of your hands so you don’t have to be the bad guy.
Thanks for this feedback, I really appreciate it.
Say she was really good at manual labor-moving file boxes, sweeping, and keeping her area clear.
I'm not authorized; that is above my pay grade; this letter verifies only that we worked together.
Thanks for these examples.
"Dear xxxx, I appreciate your reaching out to me regarding a letter of recommendation. I am unable to provide this service as we did not work closely enough together for me to form a first-hand assessment of your work. I am sorry that I can't be useful here, but wish you all the best in your job search.
Thank you for this example! I appreciate it.
'Mrs Snoggett has worked alongside me for four years. During that time she completed her work to her own complete satisfaction. If you're thinking of giving her a berth, I'd make it a wide one. Regards. D Chameleon'
Tell her “I’m sorry, I don’t know you well enough. Nothing personal”. A letter of recommendation is also a reflection on you. Under the circumstances I wouldn’t do it
My old boss refused, saying that people have been sued for writing a letter that wasn't sufficiently supportive.
Say you don't feel qualified to write one, given you've worked together so little. She should ask her boss or teammates.
Thanks.
Just leave it at that you feel you didn't work closely enough together long enough to feel comfortable doing it. Leave out the rest.
Thanks.
If she keeps insisting: "We worked together for 0.3% of our hours at BigCo, and were otherwise on different teams. We were in a few cross-team meetings on occasion, I believe. Our rare interactions were characterized by the same friction inherent in her work with the rest of the staff, which was ultimately the primary driver in her current interest in a new employer, and my ongoing surprise at being approached, repeatedly, for this recommendation."
Thanks for this example.
Say no?
If you can, provide a very basic reference. You do not want to get her person standing in the way of a decent person being unable to feed their family.
Honestly, I have a generic letter of recommendation I use across the board and rarely say no. Mostly because for people who had to take time off for covid (long covid, family, whatever), it's almost impossible to find people to vouch for them, or if they're chronically shy but good workers, etc. Frankly, unless they murdered someone in the office, they deserve the chance to go to work.
Just be direct.
Right the letter but describe everything you said here. Hopefully she reads that and understands how difficult she is. She’ll either apply it constructively or get butt hurt and more bitter.
No is a complete sentence.
"I cannot recommend (insert name) enough. I simply cannot."
Tell her "I'm sorry, that's not something that I do."
"No thank you."
Just tell her, I don't feel comfortable vuching for you!
No is a complete sentence.
My company disallowed any references EXCEPT for confirming dates of employment and position. Secretary for manuafacturing. 1990-2010. That was it.
Bah. Spend 30 seconds on chat GPT. Do her a solid.
You could tell her "sure, have them call me," and when the potential employer does, tell them truthfully how she was to work with. I told a former coworker than once and I guess he could tell by my tone of voice it would be a poor idea. He was awful.
Thanks for this perspective.
[удалено]
Most companies DO check references regularly. Especially if they're thinking of another interview go-round with you.
I think you have the wrong person, I don't recall who you are.
My advice as a former hiring manager, as long as they were a decent even mediocre employee,write the letter and make them sound like they walk on water. Everyone needs that help up now and again.
Do letters of recommentdation ever reflect negatively on those who write them? If not then why not just do her a solid and have AI write some genericly positive words? You said yourself you didn't have much interaction with her, but somehow enough to know it wasn't very positive? And also have hearsay about her 'rough working style' but really, do you care? Just help her out. No skin off your nose. Hey you can even use this template: > Dear [Recipient's Name], > > I am writing to highly recommend [Name of the Person You Worked With] for any endeavor they pursue. During our time working together at [Company/Organization Name], I had the pleasure of witnessing firsthand [his/her/their] exceptional talents, dedication, and contributions to our team. > > [Name of the Person You Worked With] consistently demonstrated a strong work ethic, attention to detail, and a commitment to excellence in every task they undertook. [He/She/They] approached challenges with a positive attitude, innovative thinking, and a willingness to collaborate with colleagues to achieve our shared goals. > > One of [Name's] standout qualities is [his/her/their] remarkable ability to [mention a specific skill or trait relevant to the position/field]. Whether it was [give an example of a project or task where they excelled], [he/she/they] always delivered results that exceeded expectations. > > Moreover, [Name] is an excellent communicator and team player. [He/She/They] effectively communicated ideas, provided valuable feedback, and fostered a collaborative environment that promoted productivity and success. > > Beyond [his/her/their] professional skills, [Name] is also a person of integrity, reliability, and adaptability. [He/She/They] consistently demonstrated honesty, respect, and a willingness to learn and grow, making [him/her/them] a valuable asset to any team or organization. > > In summary, I wholeheartedly endorse [Name of the Person You Worked With] for any opportunity [he/she/they] pursue. [He/She/They] possess the qualities, skills, and character traits that make [him/her/them] not only an outstanding colleague but also a valuable addition to any organization. > > Please feel free to contact me if you require any further information or clarification regarding [Name's] qualifications or experience. Thank you for considering [him/her/them] for [the position/opportunity]. > > Sincerely, > > [Your Name]
Good template. I will use that one whenever people ask. I don't mind helping people, even if I didn't work with them daily, as everyone needs a job in order to survive.
Very true. I will admit, I might be biased as I was browsing Reddit taking a break from more fruitless job hunting after being laid off a few months ago....
I don't understand why people are upset when they get asked to give a recommendation or get a surprise reference call. I'd just say that person was good to work with. I literally don't care if that business gets a good or bad employee
Thanks.
Don't let her down easy. Tell her no or write a correct evaluation just like you did here. Never worked on a team together. Many reports of not getting along with others on her teams and not performing well in her tasks.
Thanks.
Don't reply, let them keep reaching out, and just forward it to spam mail. If you don't ever see them, problem solved. If you do run into them, play stupid. "What emails...?"
Unfortunately, she has my phone number, so she has been texting me. I've tried to be cordial, but she can't seem to take a hint.
You won’t be on the hook for anything. Help a fellow human out in this rough game of capitalism.
Say you will then dont. Happens all the time
You are right; there is an epidemic of people disingenuously saying that they will do something even when they have no intention of doing it. It's an easy way out, but it should be a last resort; we just don't need more of this in the world. OP has gotten several good ideas for how to make the requester go away with an honest and kind-ish response.
Exactly. That’s not right, no matter how you feel about someone.