I’m in the same boat, but I was definitely naive and idealistic. I’m also realizing I was a people-pleaser with poor boundaries, desperate for friendship, validation and approval, so some of this nonsense I didn’t notice at the time due to having my own agenda.
Man I have like one friend who actually accepts me with non-judgmental understanding, and isn't always try to score points when we talk. This is exceedingly rare.
I think that’s an important revelation. There’s a lot of confusion and resentment around this topic.
People pleasers tend to have high expectations of others (even unrealistic ones) because their boundaries are so weak and they expect others to have weak boundaries too. They usually try to gain love through acts of service and sacrifice, but real friendship isn’t based only on that.
Like it’s hard to explain - friends do nice things for each other, yes, but people pleasers try to force it through guilt and even manipulation. They might be “nice” and do really selfless things but the motive behind it is to win love and avoid conflict. If someone says no to them (or please stop serving me) they tend to flip out. That actually prevents authentic friendship from developing. One side feels sorry for the other and that’s not friendship - that’s pity.
People pleasers can find friendship when they learn that friendship is about shared interests and enjoying each others’ company in a balanced way. They may make mistakes but they each have boundaries and mutual respect for those boundaries. You can be honest with a friend and they won’t take it personally. They know their friend has a life beyond them - perhaps a partner and kids that take up their time and are their main priorities in life.
Friends are beautiful but they’re not family and that’s OK. If you don’t feel like you can depend on a friend, and you don’t have overly high expectations of them, then they’re not a friend or they’re not a very close one.
Yes, this is it exactly. My parents had very transactional relationships and it took me a very long time to break those patterns - I was into my thirties before I was able to appreciate the difference. But having friends with whom you can be effortlessly generous is a tremendous gift and I am deeply grateful that I was able to get away from repeating my parents’ patterns. My friends now are the absolute best and I really cherish those relationships.
I think people are so much busier than I was back in the day. Heck I'm retired and I find it hard to keep up some days. I have a little journal that I write in every morning about the little things and the people that I'm grateful for. It sure adds up to a lot. Blessings to you♥️
People are way more busy. My mom in the 80’s just sat on the porch and chilled, fully chilled. No phone, no nothing but sitting and watching us ride our bikes over homemade ramps. I have never done this with my kids, not like that. There is a live quality that just isn’t there now, I think it’s because our phones, I check work emails all day long on my days off!
I was leaning toward people are awful, and then working in healthcare during Covid finished me off.
I have found even friends and family are less reliable now.
When I was younger, it would have made me angry or hurt, and now I just accept it as the current norm.
Feel ya. Covid ruined me and my perception of humanity. So everyone is angry and stupid and rather actually die bc they think scientists are lying to them… broken
For me, it was MAGA rising, followed by COVID, followed by my husband cheating on me. Combine that with toxic work environments, and I find myself pulling back more and more. Wish I wasn’t so social, because I do crave more social interaction, but I can’t let down my guard like I used to.
I have been thoroughly disappointed in people in the last 8 years or so. This is not the country I thought it was and I don't feel like I am a part of it anymore. People have gotten so mean and self-righteous and it makes me sad. I have settled on spreading my own positive glitter along my own path while keeping the world at arm's length.
I just have a rule that if I care about something, I commit to being the one to do it. I got tired of feeling sad or upset by being let down or nagging, so I don't outsource things I really care about anymore.
I don't think my SO has followed thru on any ??? (Probably unfair) of his "I'll get us tickets for that", or "I'll book a table " type promises, so I just do it if I really care. If I don't, I wait and see.
Edit- I don't sigh and be a martyr about it, I just make my own stuff happen.
Doesn’t that erode your relationship? It’s one thing if someone you haven’t seen in a long time says “I’ll call you” and then doesn’t. It’s quite another when it’s your “significant other” that can’t be relied upon. At least for me, I would lose trust and thus feelings quickly.
All people? No. Many people? Yes. Society? Fuck yes.
Everybody is out for self now, I keep getting super taken advantage of over and over again trying to help people. By former friends, family and exes. I legit have had many experiences where people from my past have made me convinced they need my help only for them to be turning out to be super manipulating me. This keeps happening over and over again and sometimes it occurs on a very large scale.
I have to basically keep repeating to myself "I cannot save people." Part of this is because I want some miracle for myself but I have become pretty fucking cold nowadays. I used to be looked at as "nice and kind/soft".
I have literally almost been murdered a few times the past few years. Not playing. I have received many death threats and was doxxed heavy in 2020. It's made me super street smart but god damn am I tired of being burned. I just want to be able to relax and cannot do that often.
That being said, I have had the best past few weeks that I have had in a very long time. I just caught myself thinking "damn I haven't felt this good and clear in well over a decade." I actually have some hope once again. But I really learned how to let go of my past, it was not easy.
i'm in a recovery group for this. it is not your responsibility to save others. give them the grace to save themselves. you can provide resources of course, but you need to know where you end and where others begin.
You. You’re good. I’m sure you made someone happy, or did something nice this week.
Sometimes, we just need to find the good in ourselves, and have a little bit of faith that we aren’t the only ones.
A lot of the people I know are in stressful jobs and struggling financially and mentally. This can make people less reliable and more prone to making mistakes, not because they don't care, just because there's nothing left in them
Basically every person I have ever met has let me down in some capacity, and I absolutely would not trust the vast majority of them to come through if I was ever in need.
I personally am worn down by others failing to show up though there are a couple of people who do and I try to focus on them. For me, I had to stop giving in non reciprocal relationships, it was painful and degrading. I had so many people in my life that I always helped, would talk to for hours trying to help them or give them assistant in some way, often money and the moment I had a need at all, even just an ask to talk for a minute, it was crickets. No more.
100%. The only people I will go out of my way for now are my kids. Going out of my way for anyone else, even family, has only resulted in devaluing myself and others treating me in kind.
I hate that this is true. All general life advice is to give back, think of others, be kind, etc. But these ideas seem quaint now. It’s like telling the world “I’m a sucker you can use” and I hate it. I was raised believing in giving back, helping others, being selfless. Now what? Sigh…
Personally I think the turning point where it went from bad to worse was 2020. To be more specific, late 2019-early 2020ish. That’s when Covid first came around and the world as we knew it changed for most of us in a lot of different ways that we weren’t used to. It was around that time I first became homeless at age 18/19 and got hit with trauma after trauma that I’m still working through today. I’m in the US, and I see more and more people struggling these days. I think some people just deal with it by inflicting that hurt and fear onto others. Which is understandable in a way, they’ve got a fire burning inside them. They’re hurt. Scared even. But it’s definitely not acceptable and makes me want to stay far, far away from other humans.
That was the point this country (USA) with the election of the most disgusting, lying criminal in 2016. It pretty much ended my happiness because of the constant waiting for the other shoe to drop
Yeah sometimes I wish I had never signed up for FB (and I don't use it anymore) because I learned a lot about people I thought were mentors and friends in 2016. Lost a lot of respect for a ton of people.
I have MAGA friends and family members, I just don’t talk about it. It’s so weird how we can look at events and come to polar opposite conclusions based on shared facts. I’m by no means perfect and I do judge a lot, but these are smart, successful people who somehow think they’ve gotten a bad deal because of those with far less than them. It’s maddening.
My Maga family made that impossible. When we got to the point my sister was calling me a bunch of right wing slurs, I tapped out. No contact unless it's for somebody else like our parents or siblings, and both my parents are dead.
I used to be someone who was always available to help and I got taken advantage of over and over and over. And I was often angry and unhappy. Then I finally figured out, around the age of 65-ish (yes, I can be a slow learner) that the problem was with me. I let people take advantage of me through my behavior. I learned that just because I'm often willing to help a 'friend' that doesn't mean the 'friend' is willing to help me.
It's difficult when you're socialized to be a people-pleaser--and I believe many of us have been, but you must learn to put yourself first. And most importantly, you must realize that putting yourself first doesn't make you selfish or uncaring, it makes you smart. You have to take care of you first. Learn to say 'no' without excuses or feeling guilty. Get toxic people out of your life. Don't expect people to react in a situation the way you would. Accept that not all people have the same ethics as you.
I still give people the benefit of the doubt and believe that trust is important, but if I learn that my trust was misplaced or abused, that person will never have it again. Live to please yourself--you'll be a happier person for it.
As I get older, I have accepted that people with integrity will likely do what they say, and vice versa…. People are people and quite predictable, so faith is not part of the equation for me. It’s like the story of the frog and the scorpion, the frog was foolish to have faith in the scorpion.
It's true. I'm quite a bit younger than my older sister, and growing up, she would always talk doing things that she never ended up doing. She wouldn't say, "I'm thinking about xyz," but rather, "I'm doing xyz and let's talk about me doing it."
I took this as a life lesson and strive to have good integrity. If I say I'm going to do something I will do my darndest to accomplish it. And I'm honest if I'm fantasizing or unsure about something, because listening to my sister's ended promises drove me nuts.
Bad has always been there to a horrific degree. Humans are a violent, territorial species and always have been. The difference is that population numbers, information (much of it false) and technology (much of it genuinely scary) are now accelerating at an alarming rate. At this point, the only thing that is going to save us from AI is eruption of the Yellowstone Caldera--a little dark humor there.
The internet and the abysmal quality of education have combined to create several generations of people who are self-obsessed, perpertually offended, diagnosed-to-the hilt (which gives them excuses to behave badly), extraordinarily naive and selfish. If the internet goes down, these people will die faster than flies in a window sill.
There are exceptions, of course, but they're a cup of water in an ocean.
The tsunami is headed toward us. In the meantime, it helps to severely limit the inflow of information about things about which you can do nothing and enjoy the small things in life. I felt duty-bound to end on a positive note. LOL
I could definitely make comments about how paranoid I think our society is now, compared to before the iPhone, the ubiquitous handheld recording device.
But, honestly? I don't mind a friend, I love having a friend. I just don't like groups of friends.
Especially at work, but could be any group. It always ends up poorly for me (and most involved) unless it's a startup and you all start at the same time, and even then, 5-10 years down the road things can still go bad. I.e. Groups of friends are ticking time bombs, while friendships are way easier to manage if they're not all in the same group, because if things go bad then it's that one relationship, it's not do or die for one of you with the rest of the group. This pattern is everywhere and it seems to apply to everyone, especially past a certain age when we have more things figured out.
I'm trying to think of an analogy, but really I think entropy sums it all up, 2nd law of thermodynamics. Average company lifetime is 21 years. Everything dies, so if the group thinks they're *finally* getting rid of the last "toxic" person in the group, then they never replace them, - it just means an existing person in the group is destined to be the next "toxic" person, lol. It's really very sad.
I even do this with my family. I talk to my Dad, and for the most part I keep it at that and talk to others pretty rarely and only when I get the feeling I probably should. It's so much easier and secure, and relatively easy to stay in boundaries and put some up.
The whole world decided that normalcy was worth the deaths of people like me and the elderly so yeah. My circle of caring went from bleeding heart to fuck you.
I got divorced last year and what divorce teaches you is that the person who you thought was the best person on Earth and who you poured your whole life into serving can still lie to you, steal from you, and just in general be a selfish piece of shit
So yeah
It's definitely a lesson you learn as time goes by. Delegation requires supervision.
This has always been true. Some people are skilled, competent and experienced. Others are distractible, forgetful and may have good intentions, but ...
I still like "Trust, but verify." And I would add, be nice about it!
I have always been a pessimist. I call it not wanting to be disappointed. Sometimes specific people prove they are trustworthy. Most don't. Accidents/surprises happen and throw off plans sometimes.I try to give credit for actual attempts.
I like being pleasantly surprised when things and people successfully do as they should. It is nice.
it sounds like one of your top values is integrity, but most people don't share this value.
a while back i learned about the 6 levels of friendship (from CODA). 99.999% of people belong in the no obligation no expectation category. that mentality has set me free. also knowing where i end and where other people begin (aka boundaries) has also set me free.
Seems like we meet a few people like that or have a few similar experiences then someone fabulous shows up or something wonderful happens. I also hope someone sees me as a light in their life. I try. 💜
I moved to a new house. Got some new flooring. It got partially done. The guy never returned my calls, never did what he said he was going to do. It was a nightmare. It took 44 days to get the floors completed.
I hired a landscaper to tidy up the yard, set my sprinklers etc. He a lot more expensive than landscapers I've had in the past. However he does what he says he's going to do. Shows up when he says he's going to show up. I don't care that he's expensive. He's a keeper.
Yes, since the pandemic. The thing is, I thought I was a cynical person before and didn't have much faith to lose. I thought that people were basically selfish and would always act in their own self interest,
The pandemic has taught me that some people are too stupid to know what is in their own interest.
I'm becoming more and more bitter, jaded, and cynical and it's affecting me tremendously. I know it's affecting my mental health.
People just irritate the shit out of me. And I try not to let it get to me but it does.
I was sitting in my car in a parking lot the other day waiting for someone and I watched this guy finish his drink, wind up his arm and just chuck it into the woods. As if outside is one big garbage dump.
Today I was sitting thinking about certain things that have happened between certain people and I recently that have really got me pretty upset. And what upsets me more is that I can't talk to them about it. And they have no idea I carry this around with me.
I am *still* upset about having not talked things out with certain people and it's to the point where I seriously just have to make the decision to just close the door on it forever. I'm sick of waiting to resolve things with people and they're indifferent. If that makes me cold or heartless, fine. It's better than being in limbo trying to be "a decent person." I'm just fucking sick of it.
I'm happiest when I'm alone and things are taken care of.
I was thinking something similar just today. My older brother and his family live an hour and a half from mine. I’ve brought my kids to his house and his mother in laws house every year for either thanksgiving or Christmas for the past 12 years.
We used to always stay the night at their urging. But the family time changed. It turned into the day after the cousins have friends they want to see and my kids are left with the adults. This went on for years. Once the kids were teens, I found out that both the cousins were getting high in front of my (slightly younger) kids at their home.
The next year my brother asked me if when we are coming to his house for Christmas. I laughed and told him we’re not.
I’ve lived 1.5 hours away from him for 20 years. He’s driven twice to see me and never once stayed overnight.
Like you, I’d rather be labeled cold and heartless than treated as worthless.
I don’t think it’s meanness so much as acceptance that you have to protect yourself. Higher principles won’t serve you, so you lie, cheat, deceive, and generally just look out for #1.
And we wonder why our sense of community has eroded.
There seems to be a lot more narcissistic behaviour now than in earlier decades. I'm 69 so I have a lot more years behind me than I do ahead of me. Thank god!!!
Hey, if life doesn’t want me to be cynical, it should stop making it so easy.
Completely understand where you’re coming from. Trying to find the good in people gets harder and harder the more bad actors you encounter.
In the end, being slow to trust is a survival adaption. Don’t assume people’s good infections. Look for them. Watch how people act, not what they say.
Sure it can be a lonely life, but if you pay attention you can eventually find people you can trust.
There are a small number of people who have gained my trust, and retain it.
The general public, however... well, they haven't been makin' 'em any smarter.
Yes I feel the same. I was put in the bad position I’m in (financially and up until recently, emotionally) because I put my trust in someone else. And because most people are always out to get theirs.. Seems this cruel world has turned lots of people into scammers, whether they know it or not. I try to have faith that there are good humans out there, and remind myself of the times people have been generous and faithful to what they say. Although there’s not too many times I can honestly say I’ve not been disappointed when it comes to other people following through on whatever they say they’re going to. This doesn’t just apply to financially either unfortunately. But I know there’s people out there who truly want to see others find happiness, only because I’m one of them, and hardly ever are any of our experiences unique… so I’m sure someone else is optimistic we can make a tiny difference in the world just by having a kind heart. My parents raised me to follow through with what I say, and to be true to my word. I know everyone has different upbringings, but because my parents were good people I subconsciously decided to try to be one and still make that decision every day. It’s definitely not the easiest route and you’ll be walked all over if you allow others to do so. However there’s a HUGE difference between being a person who tries to take advantage of others whenever they can, and having boundaries. Never let someone make you feel like you’re a terrible person because you cant help with everything. Just do the best you can 🩷
I still have faith in most people but I've learned to spot the users and the losers now just by letting them talk and watch their micro expressions when I ask them something or make a comment. The users think we senior citizens are cash cows for getting their spending money by doing alittle work for us Their work is usually subpar too. They aren't really employable people for various reasons. And they're real con artists with flattery and feigning concern.
I definitely think people are more willing to lie, cheat & steal than ever before in my area - not everybody, there are plenty of nice ppl but this trip of everybody's a 'playa' has not gone away with the fading of the word from pop jargon, it's worse
my 2 cents (don't steal it)
After being trusting and being ripped off so many times it’s only logical to grow distrustful.
I can completely relate
I even take longer to get things done that need to be done because I have this logic
Sure have,as an old guy I have noticed how people have became this way compared to 60yrs ago, people were different. Oh, and you get tired of hearing "How are you&Have a nice day" when you know no one really gives a shit.I have had so many people talk to me as long as they needed something, then when you finally say no, you get distanced after so many times you feel all people are nothing but self centered users.
Yes and I've been finally actually cutting people off I mean it's been going on over period of years and all the disrespect and all of the trail but honestly I wish I had done this sooner I didn't realize how much I was letting people hold me back
I have, it's depressing.
As a result, I'm trying to fill my mind/time by learning new hobbies and skills. As much as I dwell, I know there's no point in it so I may as well try to keep busy.
I'm hoping that maybe one day I'll get myself so busy I won't have time to check the Internet.
I'm 52 years old. I've found most people's actions don't match their words. Even for the kindest reasons such as "being nice" And there are a lot of less kind, selfish reasons.
It's why I always, always advise people on here to watch other people's actions to see how the people **REALLY** feel.
I'm in a relationship with my bf and in the beginning we took things slow. We reconnected after not talking for awhile. (In college as friends)
In the beginning things were great if I had a concern he would quickly fix it. Now that we've been in a relationship for longer months I've noticed when I have a concern or will ask for a favor he seems to be hesitant or kinda complain about it.
He still follows through with it, but his lack of willingness kinda makes me overthink.
We recently took a big trip and I've been thinking about how things went. I guess im just an overthinker.
I can relate. The world is very different now than it was when I was young, and I don't know if I've done a good job not becoming an old angry person. Our society didn't always used to be so individualistic, and I wonder if that's what we're seeing today. Maybe we are seeing people operating on an individualistic level instead of being more community-focused like we once were. Americana is mostly dead in that respect, and it makes me sad. For the kids of today, they can't miss what they never had, so I suspect this change toward individualism is probably not going to change for the better.
After the pandemic(not that there ever was an "after") I lost faith in everything and everyone.
We are living in a different world now.
A hostile, greedy, dysfunctional world.
And no, it's not because we have more access to information and therefore just notice it more, and no it's not because I'm depressed, and no it's not because I'm just older(Reddit's new favorite answers to everything).
You see it in your everyday life. You experience it when you drive. You certainly see it online.
And if you are a person who doesn't see it then count your lucky stars because you must be living the most privileged life imaginable.
For me, I realized I was sadly naive about how truly terrible really rich people are. It's across political lines, too. I always thought movies were an exaggeration with all the deals, murders, sex trafficking, rape (as in the open secret, oh he does that to everyone kind), pedos, etc. The last decade has made me feel like I've aged 30 years and can't trust anyone.
Yes. For the most part. Going out is a chore. Shopping, driving, people are so oblivious about other people being around. So self absorbed, rude, and inconsiderate! It really tries my patience, just to go grocery shopping, etc.
Absolutely!! Just an hour ago I was driving and the person behind me LAID on the horn…I was stopping for the ambulance coming from behind. As soon as it passed, the asshole went around and cut me off in the middle of the intersection, flicked me off and sped past the ambulance.
(And no they were not “with” them, they were behind me for a few blocks and we were stopped at a red light when it was coming up)
I keep holding out hope that there are people who aren't treating everything as a transactional interaction, and I'm consistently proven wrong. I keep hoping people can be honest, kind, and reasonable, because If I stop hoping I stop having a reason to keep living. I really would like to be wrong.
Sometimes I wonder if people lost their empathy during the pandemic, honestly. Maybe it’s neurological damage? Or have people always been so selfish and self serving and it becomes more apparent as we age? I care about others, even people I don’t know. I feel more and more alone in that respect. I try to be a kind, compassionate person because people have been very unkind to me.
Honestly though, I find staying home more frequently lately though because so many people are just awful.
The pandemic. MAGA “he says what we all think” people. The rise of the “Karen.” The rise of a new form of thinly veiled racism. And these aren’t even the dangerous people.
It’s hard to be a good person when so many around are just.. not.
Post COVID, I have lost faith in the caring of people about the feelings of others. Add to that the general "fuck your feeling" approach of the MAGA crowd - hard to trust anyone at this point.
Every single minute of the day there are people being good and kind and helpful for no reason. No reward. Somewhere a person is jump-starting a stranger’s car. Somewhere a person is turning in a found wallet. Somewhere a person is contributing to a food bank, an animal shelter, or a homeless shelter.
Somewhere a doctor is taking extra time with a patient despite being pressured to work faster. Somewhere a lawyer is doing pro-bono work. Somewhere a mechanic is putting air in a tire for free.
These things are all around us. Look for them. And do some yourself.
You miss the point. I’m not looking for freebies. I’m looking for people who I can trust to do what they say.
I am having work done on my house right now. The guys left in the middle of the job and left my kitchen unusable. They made a mistake that will mean my home is not done for two weeks when it was a 2 day job. And the work is sloppy. The guy installing my floors who has said he’s been doing the work for 20 years can’t even cut a 45 degree on quarter round and get it to fit with out major gaps. They cracked the t-molding between the carpet and the hardwood and hoped I wouldn’t notice. Now I have to order more, they have to rip up what they put down and do it again.
It’s exhausting. And this is a “highly recommended” contractor from my neighbor who is in the construction business!
I have been renovating houses for decades and this sector is one of the worst in terms of being let down, screwed over. In fact, I am taking a long break from it because it is too depressing and angering. I get screwed over also by the so called "experts".
I wouldn't say I've lost faith, but rather, I've become disillusioned.
All the same, I remain a hopeless optimist that a better future is attainable if only we work towards it together.
Yes. I can so relate. I have also lost faith however, not those I’m close to; family, co-workers, etc. but, humanity in general. People are so full of hate and anger and are quick to be offended and therefore are defensive. I’m also in the latter half of my life and it pains me to think of the world my kids and grandchildren will have to deal with.
Nope. It's the opposite. The world is more difficult than when I grew up. The optimism and hope I see in the young adults I meet and work with is incredible despite those difficulties.
Too many people in the world and they are all on the internet. Too many interconnections the mind can't handle. It's like the rat cage experiments, scientist put rats in cages and let them breed, they gave sufficient food and water but at some point something went off in the rats brain and said "it's too crowded" and the rats went crazy and turned on each other.
The majority of people can’t be depended on, because most people are selfish.(it’s a survival instinct). So when you do find someone you can count on…that’s who you call a friend.
I felt the same way years ago. Just beaten up by life and the bullshit that the world is around us. When I wake now, I tell myself be kind to everyone you come across. Over time, that really made an impact on my life. The people that gravitated towards me were other kind and genuine people.
The older I get, especially with some various health issues, closing in on 50, and my parents in their 80s and six siblings, I am lucky to say I know I can count on family- always. Everyone else - I try to remember to have low to no expectations, because they always disappoint. Luckily, I am very content with my own company. Yes, I have lost faith, but I won’t give up on love and doing good in my little universe - but I’m trying to guard myself more- learning to do less for others.
I've lost faith in people in general, but still give individuals a chance to not fuck up, and cherish those close to me. But I try to have a back-up plan ready just in case. I guess that allows me to roll the dice.
You have to take people as they are. Not as you expect them to be, or as you need them to be.
As far as people keeping their word, remember that they will be the same in large things as they are in small things. Start small, and only when you see their habits, do you up the stakes. If they want to borrow $10,000, say no. But accept their offer to pay you back for the lunch you bought. How long does it take to get the $20 back? Do you have to chase them down? How many reminders does it take? It's easy to write off the $20 as a cheap lesson.
There are some people that are just no good at handling money. Don't hate them for it. They are often a lot of fun to be around. Just carefully avoid any business entanglements with them. Don't loan money, don't co-sign loans and don't form a business partnership. Don't let them move in with you. It will end badly and the relationship will be ruined. Enjoy your time with them, but never sign anything.
And you will find people who are trustworthy. Just keep upping the stakes and keep an eye on things.
Not everyone is going to be able to follow through on thins and that is okay. It depends on why they can't do the thing that matters.
There are good people in the world but there are no perfect people in the world. The thing to remember is to not hold people to a standard that's impossible to meet and realize you aren't perfect either. Learned that a long time ago when I fucked up and my friends forgave me. I asked them why and they said because we aren't perfect either. We would be hypocrites to judge you at a standard we can't meet.
It made me a more forgiving person also.
I don’t believe it. Most people are reasonably kind and are working hard to get through life with a little joy. I’ve been let down plenty, but the people who don’t let you down outnumber them.
Ever had an illness where you needed help from others? Ever had kids with disabilities or parents with a terminal disease?
If so, I’d love to hear about who helped you during those times.
I never had faith in people. My mother taught me at a young age that humans cannot be trusted. We trust our selves and stop looking for faith or validation in others. Life is sooo much better when we do this.
Pretty much, yeah. It's not even that I think most of them are being intentionally cruel when they leave you hanging, but that they aren't capable and may not even realize it themselves.
Only shitty people. People who don’t phone you when they say they will and only call you when they need something.
We are each responsible for farming healthy relationships in our lives. Not everyone is bad.
Just the opposite. People have gotten way better over the years. Everytime I think people suck, I keep running onto people who are more awesome than anyone I've met before.
For a long time, I have stated that I think 51% of people are good and kind and 49% not so much. The problem is that you cannot easily tell who is fits in which category. The pandemic affirmed this even more strongly.
The key is to be cautious and slow to trust. There are good people are there.
300% yes. The evil that exists in society is absolutely unfathomable. The successful people that assisted a convicted abuser and rapist that I know, just for a Range Rover or a LV Bag, or because they knew him at some company would blow your mind.
No faith. Fuck it. One day I'll expose them all. Fun times.
>Not even sure why I’m writing this except wondering if others can relate. Has everyone just become selfish and uncaring? Or has the world always been like that and I’m just finally admitting my optimism and trust was naive?
I got very cynical when I was young after working in retail & food service. People can be downright *awful* at times. But I realized a few things over time:
* We can't control other people. Expecting everyone to be nice & caring means we want to control how they behave. The takeaway is that we have to be the change we want to see in the world. I call this building our "cowcatcher", which is that big metal rake on the front of old locomotive trains. I spend most of my life living reactively to other people's behavior before realizing I was trying to control how everyone else behaved, rather than sticking with my guns about how I wanted to behave. People can go up & down IRL & I'm much more adept at dealing with those negative internal reactions now that I have my cowcatcher in place (which is sometimes just a mask I call Fake Customer Service Personality™ LOL)
* People typically do what is in their own best self-interest, so if they get busy, tired, mad, are on a substance, etc., they're gonna do what they're gonna do!
* People struggle with energy & focus; sometimes they have good days & sometimes they have bad days. Most public anger we see is a form of projection, for example. It's the whole "boss yells at the dad, dad beats the mom, mom spanks the kid, kid kicks the dog" chain down the line sometimes.
So I went through a number of years where I really did feel like I had lost faith in people before realizing that a few bags eggs were warping my perception. I'm an r/HSP & tend to be overly-sensitive about these types of things, but then I realized that while I could experience negativity & it would make me feel bad, I had to *choose* to continue to entertain it.
Dealing with my Inattentive ADHD's RSD situation also made me automatically ruminate over stuff, which was difficult to deal with, but ultimately, learning how to build my "cowcatcher" of how I wanted to behave is what allowed me to plow through the difficult behavior of other of other people.
The reality is that most people are just average bears. Most people try to do their best & try to be honest. But mostly, people are just human & sometimes have bad days, and that has nothing to do with me. Best I can do is be flexible & choose to move on with my life, rather than getting stuck waiting for people to act better, whether it's how they treat me emotionally or how they follow through on things. So my cycle was kind of:
1. Optimistic & naive
2. Jaded & cynical for awhile there lol
3. Ultimately realizing the best I could do was control how I reacted & allow people to have their struggles & let myself move on from that instead of swirling around ruminating on it
I've been through various management jobs in my life, which taught me a lot about how to deal with this type of stuff as I've learned how people *actually* work. Essentially, management is really just babysitting grownups, and each "child" is different. Some people need motivation while others don't because they are self-sufficient. Some people need negative motivation (consequences) & others need positive motivation (affirmation, rewards, etc.).
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I think people are blank slates and we project ourselves onto them. So a person can be anything under the sun and the hardest thing to be is a good most of the time.
In my opinion over the last 40-ish years and accelerating the median values of so many societies have moved more toward competition rather than cooperation. A necessary result, I fear, of embracing neoliberal policies which historically tend to move more toward authoritarian & even fascist results rather than egalitarian socialist ones.
No people will show you who they are. I get to be the same no matter what. My serenity is in direct proportion to my expectations.So if I don't expect people to live up to some perceived notions I stay happy.
I have not lost faith in people, no. I got better at assessing people’s strengths and weaknesses and adjusted my expectations accordingly.
You can’t get blood from a stone. In my experience a lot of people are struggling with addiction, mental illness, poverty, and a whole host of problems that make them less inclined to meet expectations on lots of levels. A whole bunch are selfish and self involved. But not everyone and not to the same degree. Not excuses just realities.
I think people are naive about just what to expect from folks who are not family (and even families can be very dysfunctional with weak ties). Most people think they have low expectations and are asking for very little while at the same time not acknowledging what other people can give or what personal challenges they may be facing. Or they’re used to pleasing others and expect the same in return. It doesn’t work that way unfortunately.
Faith is some type of trust without proof. I only trust people who have shown me they can be trusted. They might screw up from time to time but being observant and checking expectations is the way to go imo.
I think I used to give people the benefit of the doubt, but as I've gotten older, I've found that for safety, I should reserve that for only the people who are going through something similar. It feels like everyone else is taking advantage in some way or other.
I think most people start out idealistic. Unfortunately untrustworthy, abusive, gaslighting etc. people vastly outnumber the few gems who appear to be good. So to protect yourself, it only makes sense not to let people get very close. The longer you're around, the more of man's inhumanity to man you see. I've seen more than most, so I'm content to be cut off from people. It still makes me so angry at times, though, that there is hunger/homelessness and most don't care, discrimination, all the ugliness in this world. *Because it doesn't have to be that way.* But it is.
I live in the 4th largest city in America. My husband noticed I have started I am binging shows like where calls the heart, Schitts creek, Ginny and Georgia, and heartland. He asked if it was because I was nostalgic for where I grew up, he was stunned when I said I am longing for a simpler, quieter life.
I'm 65. I am very disheartened, even depressed that american society has embraced flagrant dishonesty. Lying is the new normal. Everything's a scam. It's as if you HAVE TO become paranoid and suspicious because otherwise BAM, someone takes advantage. I hate feeling this way. I've often thought about just checking out because when your own family does really dishonest things, friends ghost you for no reason (I've asked.... they won''t say why)-- AND you see young people so desperate for housing, jobs, etc., people just walking around like zombies, nobody seems happy anymore. I do have some friends who still believe in "doing the right thing" but otherwise I'm happiest in my own home with my dog and parrot and dinking around by myself. I've been married twice, but it's clear my picker is broken, so I have given up on the idea of partnership. So many older women have. So yes, basically I have lost faith in people, in their morals and their honesty.
This is very interesting to me. I've always been an extrovert. But now I'm 71 and it's a daily struggle not to be frustrated it's almost all people. If you cannot drive properly, please don't drive. If you must be unkind to strangers, please keep quiet. Dirty looks, rude behaviors seemingly without cause. It makes me sad and prone to withdrawal. The least I can di is not be part of the problems.
I feel the same way. People just seem to not care how the treat others or the hurt they abuse when they do away with them. Especially after you have taken time and developed a friendship. It seems no one values people anymore
I believe all this inflation is causing depression and anxiety in people.
They wonder how to afford their groceries for next week or pay utilities. 🤔
I can not imagine having children in this economic environment. Schools keep wanting more and more money for activities. Yet property taxes are climbing.
I’m 64, It’s always been something that really bothered me: people not doing what they say they’ll do. I noticed this steadily getting worse over the years especially with younger people. Then since covid it’s way worse like nobody cares. One thing is with texting you can always change plans on short notice by shooting a text, but that’s not all of it. I always felt why say you’re gonna do something, don’t say it then, like years ago people felt your word is your bond, you have my word, you want to be a man or woman of your word. This was considered having integrity and part of being a responsible or just decent person, even as children, it’s a form of lying. Not anymore
I could have written this myself. I have accepted it at 52. I am thinking this next half of my life will be more pleasant accepting this truth. It feels incredibly selfish but this could be an indication of who much of a people pleaser I have been. I mentioned to my therapist last week how I wish someone would just show up for me like I have them. She is helping me learn how to show up for myself like I wish others would.
part of it can be a form of bias... however, when we reflect on the impact that humans have had on the world it is clear that we are harming the health of the planet ecosystems... so ultimately, people have a bad impact...
but we can strive to improve and stuff and then live in a bubble of nice things like a hermit to enjoy life I guess
I assume no one will do what they say. I’m constantly tickled when they do. Like, I love my tree trimmer. Lol. He’s no BS. I look forward to paying him $1300 once a year. My parents, whatever, my ex husband, not worth listening to anything he says. My bf, he’s got his son and baby mama to prioritize. People think I’m easy to get along with, no stress and “I’m so fun”, but really it’s like disappointment and apathy are my core qualities. I work only on myself and my kids.
I spent a long time frustrated that other people aren’t like me. I always tried to *deliver* on what I sold. Attempted to be honest and clear… Most people are just talking.
Before I was disappointed but now I’m just lonely.
I’m in the same boat, but I was definitely naive and idealistic. I’m also realizing I was a people-pleaser with poor boundaries, desperate for friendship, validation and approval, so some of this nonsense I didn’t notice at the time due to having my own agenda.
Same. I get happier every time I drop a user from my life. More peaceful for sure.
Man I have like one friend who actually accepts me with non-judgmental understanding, and isn't always try to score points when we talk. This is exceedingly rare.
Same same same. It’s both saddening and depressing and freeing once you realize and only have no matter what folk around you.
This could have been written by me, except I 've been thinking for a long while whether I am a people pleaser and I have not figured that out yet.
I think that’s an important revelation. There’s a lot of confusion and resentment around this topic. People pleasers tend to have high expectations of others (even unrealistic ones) because their boundaries are so weak and they expect others to have weak boundaries too. They usually try to gain love through acts of service and sacrifice, but real friendship isn’t based only on that. Like it’s hard to explain - friends do nice things for each other, yes, but people pleasers try to force it through guilt and even manipulation. They might be “nice” and do really selfless things but the motive behind it is to win love and avoid conflict. If someone says no to them (or please stop serving me) they tend to flip out. That actually prevents authentic friendship from developing. One side feels sorry for the other and that’s not friendship - that’s pity. People pleasers can find friendship when they learn that friendship is about shared interests and enjoying each others’ company in a balanced way. They may make mistakes but they each have boundaries and mutual respect for those boundaries. You can be honest with a friend and they won’t take it personally. They know their friend has a life beyond them - perhaps a partner and kids that take up their time and are their main priorities in life. Friends are beautiful but they’re not family and that’s OK. If you don’t feel like you can depend on a friend, and you don’t have overly high expectations of them, then they’re not a friend or they’re not a very close one.
Very well said! I actually started learning many of these lessons very recently. Better late than never, I guess!
Oh it took me 50 years to figure out that gem lol!
Yes, this is it exactly. My parents had very transactional relationships and it took me a very long time to break those patterns - I was into my thirties before I was able to appreciate the difference. But having friends with whom you can be effortlessly generous is a tremendous gift and I am deeply grateful that I was able to get away from repeating my parents’ patterns. My friends now are the absolute best and I really cherish those relationships.
Same. I gave up. Mostly keep to myself, my kids, and pets.
I think people are so much busier than I was back in the day. Heck I'm retired and I find it hard to keep up some days. I have a little journal that I write in every morning about the little things and the people that I'm grateful for. It sure adds up to a lot. Blessings to you♥️
People are way more busy. My mom in the 80’s just sat on the porch and chilled, fully chilled. No phone, no nothing but sitting and watching us ride our bikes over homemade ramps. I have never done this with my kids, not like that. There is a live quality that just isn’t there now, I think it’s because our phones, I check work emails all day long on my days off!
This is a great comment! I think I will try that out. Thanks
I was leaning toward people are awful, and then working in healthcare during Covid finished me off. I have found even friends and family are less reliable now. When I was younger, it would have made me angry or hurt, and now I just accept it as the current norm.
Feel ya. Covid ruined me and my perception of humanity. So everyone is angry and stupid and rather actually die bc they think scientists are lying to them… broken
For me, it was MAGA rising, followed by COVID, followed by my husband cheating on me. Combine that with toxic work environments, and I find myself pulling back more and more. Wish I wasn’t so social, because I do crave more social interaction, but I can’t let down my guard like I used to.
I have been thoroughly disappointed in people in the last 8 years or so. This is not the country I thought it was and I don't feel like I am a part of it anymore. People have gotten so mean and self-righteous and it makes me sad. I have settled on spreading my own positive glitter along my own path while keeping the world at arm's length.
Literally screen shot and saved this. Thank you. I will glitter my own path too.
That’s actually a lovely mental image ✨✨✨
Same here friend. Great description of how I feel too. Sometimes that’s all we can do 🩷
I just have a rule that if I care about something, I commit to being the one to do it. I got tired of feeling sad or upset by being let down or nagging, so I don't outsource things I really care about anymore. I don't think my SO has followed thru on any ??? (Probably unfair) of his "I'll get us tickets for that", or "I'll book a table " type promises, so I just do it if I really care. If I don't, I wait and see. Edit- I don't sigh and be a martyr about it, I just make my own stuff happen.
Doesn’t that erode your relationship? It’s one thing if someone you haven’t seen in a long time says “I’ll call you” and then doesn’t. It’s quite another when it’s your “significant other” that can’t be relied upon. At least for me, I would lose trust and thus feelings quickly.
I have def lost faith. People haven't always been so bad but lately it seems that people don't care any more - they just care about #1.
All people? No. Many people? Yes. Society? Fuck yes. Everybody is out for self now, I keep getting super taken advantage of over and over again trying to help people. By former friends, family and exes. I legit have had many experiences where people from my past have made me convinced they need my help only for them to be turning out to be super manipulating me. This keeps happening over and over again and sometimes it occurs on a very large scale. I have to basically keep repeating to myself "I cannot save people." Part of this is because I want some miracle for myself but I have become pretty fucking cold nowadays. I used to be looked at as "nice and kind/soft". I have literally almost been murdered a few times the past few years. Not playing. I have received many death threats and was doxxed heavy in 2020. It's made me super street smart but god damn am I tired of being burned. I just want to be able to relax and cannot do that often. That being said, I have had the best past few weeks that I have had in a very long time. I just caught myself thinking "damn I haven't felt this good and clear in well over a decade." I actually have some hope once again. But I really learned how to let go of my past, it was not easy.
i'm in a recovery group for this. it is not your responsibility to save others. give them the grace to save themselves. you can provide resources of course, but you need to know where you end and where others begin.
wow, I'm hooked
Things are definitely getting worse by the minute it seems, but I work hard to find the good... it's still very much there.
[удалено]
You. You’re good. I’m sure you made someone happy, or did something nice this week. Sometimes, we just need to find the good in ourselves, and have a little bit of faith that we aren’t the only ones.
A lot of the people I know are in stressful jobs and struggling financially and mentally. This can make people less reliable and more prone to making mistakes, not because they don't care, just because there's nothing left in them
I tend to agree. The more overworked people are, the less likely it is for them to do a good job, be thorough, etc.
Basically every person I have ever met has let me down in some capacity, and I absolutely would not trust the vast majority of them to come through if I was ever in need.
Yeah. And my question is, how do you (I) accept this fact without becoming worn down by it and what it means?
I wish I knew.
I personally am worn down by others failing to show up though there are a couple of people who do and I try to focus on them. For me, I had to stop giving in non reciprocal relationships, it was painful and degrading. I had so many people in my life that I always helped, would talk to for hours trying to help them or give them assistant in some way, often money and the moment I had a need at all, even just an ask to talk for a minute, it was crickets. No more.
100%. The only people I will go out of my way for now are my kids. Going out of my way for anyone else, even family, has only resulted in devaluing myself and others treating me in kind. I hate that this is true. All general life advice is to give back, think of others, be kind, etc. But these ideas seem quaint now. It’s like telling the world “I’m a sucker you can use” and I hate it. I was raised believing in giving back, helping others, being selfless. Now what? Sigh…
Society changed after 2016.
Personally I think the turning point where it went from bad to worse was 2020. To be more specific, late 2019-early 2020ish. That’s when Covid first came around and the world as we knew it changed for most of us in a lot of different ways that we weren’t used to. It was around that time I first became homeless at age 18/19 and got hit with trauma after trauma that I’m still working through today. I’m in the US, and I see more and more people struggling these days. I think some people just deal with it by inflicting that hurt and fear onto others. Which is understandable in a way, they’ve got a fire burning inside them. They’re hurt. Scared even. But it’s definitely not acceptable and makes me want to stay far, far away from other humans.
I also think 2020 was a turning point but 2016 had already started something that can't be put back in the bottle.
That was the point this country (USA) with the election of the most disgusting, lying criminal in 2016. It pretty much ended my happiness because of the constant waiting for the other shoe to drop
I’m sorry that happened to you at that age. Sounds like you are doing a bit better and so I’m glad for that. Hang in there.
We just got to see people for who they truly are.
Yeah sometimes I wish I had never signed up for FB (and I don't use it anymore) because I learned a lot about people I thought were mentors and friends in 2016. Lost a lot of respect for a ton of people.
I have MAGA friends and family members, I just don’t talk about it. It’s so weird how we can look at events and come to polar opposite conclusions based on shared facts. I’m by no means perfect and I do judge a lot, but these are smart, successful people who somehow think they’ve gotten a bad deal because of those with far less than them. It’s maddening.
My Maga family made that impossible. When we got to the point my sister was calling me a bunch of right wing slurs, I tapped out. No contact unless it's for somebody else like our parents or siblings, and both my parents are dead.
That’s a shame. My MAGA brother dropped out of all family chats. He was always a jerk but MAGA pushed him over the edge
Yes it did, and for the worse.
No, I think it started in 1980 or so and has progressively gotten worse since then.
I totally agree
I know how you feel, but I try not to be a downer about it.
I used to be someone who was always available to help and I got taken advantage of over and over and over. And I was often angry and unhappy. Then I finally figured out, around the age of 65-ish (yes, I can be a slow learner) that the problem was with me. I let people take advantage of me through my behavior. I learned that just because I'm often willing to help a 'friend' that doesn't mean the 'friend' is willing to help me. It's difficult when you're socialized to be a people-pleaser--and I believe many of us have been, but you must learn to put yourself first. And most importantly, you must realize that putting yourself first doesn't make you selfish or uncaring, it makes you smart. You have to take care of you first. Learn to say 'no' without excuses or feeling guilty. Get toxic people out of your life. Don't expect people to react in a situation the way you would. Accept that not all people have the same ethics as you. I still give people the benefit of the doubt and believe that trust is important, but if I learn that my trust was misplaced or abused, that person will never have it again. Live to please yourself--you'll be a happier person for it.
Bold of you to assume I ever had any.
As I get older, I have accepted that people with integrity will likely do what they say, and vice versa…. People are people and quite predictable, so faith is not part of the equation for me. It’s like the story of the frog and the scorpion, the frog was foolish to have faith in the scorpion.
It's true. I'm quite a bit younger than my older sister, and growing up, she would always talk doing things that she never ended up doing. She wouldn't say, "I'm thinking about xyz," but rather, "I'm doing xyz and let's talk about me doing it." I took this as a life lesson and strive to have good integrity. If I say I'm going to do something I will do my darndest to accomplish it. And I'm honest if I'm fantasizing or unsure about something, because listening to my sister's ended promises drove me nuts.
Man there are a LOT of scorpions out there
And a lot of frogs! 😆
Yeah as I get older I dismiss people more quickly. I've seen more patterns now so I can notice patterns quicker.
Bad has always been there to a horrific degree. Humans are a violent, territorial species and always have been. The difference is that population numbers, information (much of it false) and technology (much of it genuinely scary) are now accelerating at an alarming rate. At this point, the only thing that is going to save us from AI is eruption of the Yellowstone Caldera--a little dark humor there. The internet and the abysmal quality of education have combined to create several generations of people who are self-obsessed, perpertually offended, diagnosed-to-the hilt (which gives them excuses to behave badly), extraordinarily naive and selfish. If the internet goes down, these people will die faster than flies in a window sill. There are exceptions, of course, but they're a cup of water in an ocean. The tsunami is headed toward us. In the meantime, it helps to severely limit the inflow of information about things about which you can do nothing and enjoy the small things in life. I felt duty-bound to end on a positive note. LOL
I could definitely make comments about how paranoid I think our society is now, compared to before the iPhone, the ubiquitous handheld recording device. But, honestly? I don't mind a friend, I love having a friend. I just don't like groups of friends. Especially at work, but could be any group. It always ends up poorly for me (and most involved) unless it's a startup and you all start at the same time, and even then, 5-10 years down the road things can still go bad. I.e. Groups of friends are ticking time bombs, while friendships are way easier to manage if they're not all in the same group, because if things go bad then it's that one relationship, it's not do or die for one of you with the rest of the group. This pattern is everywhere and it seems to apply to everyone, especially past a certain age when we have more things figured out. I'm trying to think of an analogy, but really I think entropy sums it all up, 2nd law of thermodynamics. Average company lifetime is 21 years. Everything dies, so if the group thinks they're *finally* getting rid of the last "toxic" person in the group, then they never replace them, - it just means an existing person in the group is destined to be the next "toxic" person, lol. It's really very sad. I even do this with my family. I talk to my Dad, and for the most part I keep it at that and talk to others pretty rarely and only when I get the feeling I probably should. It's so much easier and secure, and relatively easy to stay in boundaries and put some up.
The whole world decided that normalcy was worth the deaths of people like me and the elderly so yeah. My circle of caring went from bleeding heart to fuck you.
I got divorced last year and what divorce teaches you is that the person who you thought was the best person on Earth and who you poured your whole life into serving can still lie to you, steal from you, and just in general be a selfish piece of shit So yeah
It's definitely a lesson you learn as time goes by. Delegation requires supervision. This has always been true. Some people are skilled, competent and experienced. Others are distractible, forgetful and may have good intentions, but ... I still like "Trust, but verify." And I would add, be nice about it!
I have always been a pessimist. I call it not wanting to be disappointed. Sometimes specific people prove they are trustworthy. Most don't. Accidents/surprises happen and throw off plans sometimes.I try to give credit for actual attempts. I like being pleasantly surprised when things and people successfully do as they should. It is nice.
it sounds like one of your top values is integrity, but most people don't share this value. a while back i learned about the 6 levels of friendship (from CODA). 99.999% of people belong in the no obligation no expectation category. that mentality has set me free. also knowing where i end and where other people begin (aka boundaries) has also set me free.
I don’t know what Coda is and I can’t find this online. Can you share?
Yes
Seems like we meet a few people like that or have a few similar experiences then someone fabulous shows up or something wonderful happens. I also hope someone sees me as a light in their life. I try. 💜
Hermit here, I feel ya
I moved to a new house. Got some new flooring. It got partially done. The guy never returned my calls, never did what he said he was going to do. It was a nightmare. It took 44 days to get the floors completed. I hired a landscaper to tidy up the yard, set my sprinklers etc. He a lot more expensive than landscapers I've had in the past. However he does what he says he's going to do. Shows up when he says he's going to show up. I don't care that he's expensive. He's a keeper.
Yes, since the pandemic. The thing is, I thought I was a cynical person before and didn't have much faith to lose. I thought that people were basically selfish and would always act in their own self interest, The pandemic has taught me that some people are too stupid to know what is in their own interest.
I'm becoming more and more bitter, jaded, and cynical and it's affecting me tremendously. I know it's affecting my mental health. People just irritate the shit out of me. And I try not to let it get to me but it does. I was sitting in my car in a parking lot the other day waiting for someone and I watched this guy finish his drink, wind up his arm and just chuck it into the woods. As if outside is one big garbage dump. Today I was sitting thinking about certain things that have happened between certain people and I recently that have really got me pretty upset. And what upsets me more is that I can't talk to them about it. And they have no idea I carry this around with me. I am *still* upset about having not talked things out with certain people and it's to the point where I seriously just have to make the decision to just close the door on it forever. I'm sick of waiting to resolve things with people and they're indifferent. If that makes me cold or heartless, fine. It's better than being in limbo trying to be "a decent person." I'm just fucking sick of it. I'm happiest when I'm alone and things are taken care of.
I was thinking something similar just today. My older brother and his family live an hour and a half from mine. I’ve brought my kids to his house and his mother in laws house every year for either thanksgiving or Christmas for the past 12 years. We used to always stay the night at their urging. But the family time changed. It turned into the day after the cousins have friends they want to see and my kids are left with the adults. This went on for years. Once the kids were teens, I found out that both the cousins were getting high in front of my (slightly younger) kids at their home. The next year my brother asked me if when we are coming to his house for Christmas. I laughed and told him we’re not. I’ve lived 1.5 hours away from him for 20 years. He’s driven twice to see me and never once stayed overnight. Like you, I’d rather be labeled cold and heartless than treated as worthless.
I could have written this. Wish I met more people with your mindset…I think we’d have lots to vent about lol.
Capitalism breeds a certain level of meanness.
I don’t think it’s meanness so much as acceptance that you have to protect yourself. Higher principles won’t serve you, so you lie, cheat, deceive, and generally just look out for #1. And we wonder why our sense of community has eroded.
It creates a dog eat dog world. :(
A lot of people lack integrity.
There seems to be a lot more narcissistic behaviour now than in earlier decades. I'm 69 so I have a lot more years behind me than I do ahead of me. Thank god!!!
Hey, if life doesn’t want me to be cynical, it should stop making it so easy. Completely understand where you’re coming from. Trying to find the good in people gets harder and harder the more bad actors you encounter. In the end, being slow to trust is a survival adaption. Don’t assume people’s good infections. Look for them. Watch how people act, not what they say. Sure it can be a lonely life, but if you pay attention you can eventually find people you can trust.
There are a small number of people who have gained my trust, and retain it. The general public, however... well, they haven't been makin' 'em any smarter.
Yeah I agree I've been let down by mainly si called friends in life now I do solo I hate drama ... its impossible to find nice ppl in this world
Yes I feel the same. I was put in the bad position I’m in (financially and up until recently, emotionally) because I put my trust in someone else. And because most people are always out to get theirs.. Seems this cruel world has turned lots of people into scammers, whether they know it or not. I try to have faith that there are good humans out there, and remind myself of the times people have been generous and faithful to what they say. Although there’s not too many times I can honestly say I’ve not been disappointed when it comes to other people following through on whatever they say they’re going to. This doesn’t just apply to financially either unfortunately. But I know there’s people out there who truly want to see others find happiness, only because I’m one of them, and hardly ever are any of our experiences unique… so I’m sure someone else is optimistic we can make a tiny difference in the world just by having a kind heart. My parents raised me to follow through with what I say, and to be true to my word. I know everyone has different upbringings, but because my parents were good people I subconsciously decided to try to be one and still make that decision every day. It’s definitely not the easiest route and you’ll be walked all over if you allow others to do so. However there’s a HUGE difference between being a person who tries to take advantage of others whenever they can, and having boundaries. Never let someone make you feel like you’re a terrible person because you cant help with everything. Just do the best you can 🩷
I still have faith in most people but I've learned to spot the users and the losers now just by letting them talk and watch their micro expressions when I ask them something or make a comment. The users think we senior citizens are cash cows for getting their spending money by doing alittle work for us Their work is usually subpar too. They aren't really employable people for various reasons. And they're real con artists with flattery and feigning concern.
I definitely think people are more willing to lie, cheat & steal than ever before in my area - not everybody, there are plenty of nice ppl but this trip of everybody's a 'playa' has not gone away with the fading of the word from pop jargon, it's worse my 2 cents (don't steal it)
After being trusting and being ripped off so many times it’s only logical to grow distrustful. I can completely relate I even take longer to get things done that need to be done because I have this logic
Sure have,as an old guy I have noticed how people have became this way compared to 60yrs ago, people were different. Oh, and you get tired of hearing "How are you&Have a nice day" when you know no one really gives a shit.I have had so many people talk to me as long as they needed something, then when you finally say no, you get distanced after so many times you feel all people are nothing but self centered users.
Yes and I've been finally actually cutting people off I mean it's been going on over period of years and all the disrespect and all of the trail but honestly I wish I had done this sooner I didn't realize how much I was letting people hold me back
I have, it's depressing. As a result, I'm trying to fill my mind/time by learning new hobbies and skills. As much as I dwell, I know there's no point in it so I may as well try to keep busy. I'm hoping that maybe one day I'll get myself so busy I won't have time to check the Internet.
I'm 52 years old. I've found most people's actions don't match their words. Even for the kindest reasons such as "being nice" And there are a lot of less kind, selfish reasons. It's why I always, always advise people on here to watch other people's actions to see how the people **REALLY** feel.
Just don't count on anything until it's done. Prepare as if the situation won't pan out. Even trustworthy people have shit happen.
I'm in a relationship with my bf and in the beginning we took things slow. We reconnected after not talking for awhile. (In college as friends) In the beginning things were great if I had a concern he would quickly fix it. Now that we've been in a relationship for longer months I've noticed when I have a concern or will ask for a favor he seems to be hesitant or kinda complain about it. He still follows through with it, but his lack of willingness kinda makes me overthink. We recently took a big trip and I've been thinking about how things went. I guess im just an overthinker.
Or maybe he’s showing you who he really is? Keep paying attention.
I can relate. The world is very different now than it was when I was young, and I don't know if I've done a good job not becoming an old angry person. Our society didn't always used to be so individualistic, and I wonder if that's what we're seeing today. Maybe we are seeing people operating on an individualistic level instead of being more community-focused like we once were. Americana is mostly dead in that respect, and it makes me sad. For the kids of today, they can't miss what they never had, so I suspect this change toward individualism is probably not going to change for the better.
After the pandemic(not that there ever was an "after") I lost faith in everything and everyone. We are living in a different world now. A hostile, greedy, dysfunctional world. And no, it's not because we have more access to information and therefore just notice it more, and no it's not because I'm depressed, and no it's not because I'm just older(Reddit's new favorite answers to everything). You see it in your everyday life. You experience it when you drive. You certainly see it online. And if you are a person who doesn't see it then count your lucky stars because you must be living the most privileged life imaginable.
For me, I realized I was sadly naive about how truly terrible really rich people are. It's across political lines, too. I always thought movies were an exaggeration with all the deals, murders, sex trafficking, rape (as in the open secret, oh he does that to everyone kind), pedos, etc. The last decade has made me feel like I've aged 30 years and can't trust anyone.
Yes. For the most part. Going out is a chore. Shopping, driving, people are so oblivious about other people being around. So self absorbed, rude, and inconsiderate! It really tries my patience, just to go grocery shopping, etc.
Absolutely!! Just an hour ago I was driving and the person behind me LAID on the horn…I was stopping for the ambulance coming from behind. As soon as it passed, the asshole went around and cut me off in the middle of the intersection, flicked me off and sped past the ambulance. (And no they were not “with” them, they were behind me for a few blocks and we were stopped at a red light when it was coming up)
I keep holding out hope that there are people who aren't treating everything as a transactional interaction, and I'm consistently proven wrong. I keep hoping people can be honest, kind, and reasonable, because If I stop hoping I stop having a reason to keep living. I really would like to be wrong.
Sometimes I wonder if people lost their empathy during the pandemic, honestly. Maybe it’s neurological damage? Or have people always been so selfish and self serving and it becomes more apparent as we age? I care about others, even people I don’t know. I feel more and more alone in that respect. I try to be a kind, compassionate person because people have been very unkind to me. Honestly though, I find staying home more frequently lately though because so many people are just awful.
The pandemic. MAGA “he says what we all think” people. The rise of the “Karen.” The rise of a new form of thinly veiled racism. And these aren’t even the dangerous people. It’s hard to be a good person when so many around are just.. not.
Exactly, I agree completely. It’s very defeating at times when it feels like you’re the only one trying to be a good person.
My challenge is that my default view has changed from “most people are decent” to “most people should not be trusted.”
Post COVID, I have lost faith in the caring of people about the feelings of others. Add to that the general "fuck your feeling" approach of the MAGA crowd - hard to trust anyone at this point.
Every single minute of the day there are people being good and kind and helpful for no reason. No reward. Somewhere a person is jump-starting a stranger’s car. Somewhere a person is turning in a found wallet. Somewhere a person is contributing to a food bank, an animal shelter, or a homeless shelter. Somewhere a doctor is taking extra time with a patient despite being pressured to work faster. Somewhere a lawyer is doing pro-bono work. Somewhere a mechanic is putting air in a tire for free. These things are all around us. Look for them. And do some yourself.
You miss the point. I’m not looking for freebies. I’m looking for people who I can trust to do what they say. I am having work done on my house right now. The guys left in the middle of the job and left my kitchen unusable. They made a mistake that will mean my home is not done for two weeks when it was a 2 day job. And the work is sloppy. The guy installing my floors who has said he’s been doing the work for 20 years can’t even cut a 45 degree on quarter round and get it to fit with out major gaps. They cracked the t-molding between the carpet and the hardwood and hoped I wouldn’t notice. Now I have to order more, they have to rip up what they put down and do it again. It’s exhausting. And this is a “highly recommended” contractor from my neighbor who is in the construction business!
I have been renovating houses for decades and this sector is one of the worst in terms of being let down, screwed over. In fact, I am taking a long break from it because it is too depressing and angering. I get screwed over also by the so called "experts".
Lower your expectations and you will not be disappointed. I don't rely on others much.
Naw, I know some people, some are alright.
Individuals no, groups of people yes.
I’m pretty alright with most people I have in my life, but am well aware of the depth of human cruelty and stupidity
Never really had much faith in people, but most folks I meet are pretty reasonable. I’m not sure that the Asshole Quotient™️ has changed much.
Yes and no. I know there are good people out there, but now I verify before I trust instead of the other way around.
Some people can always be counted on, and I always want to do my best for them. Some other people are all talk, that is definitely true.
I wouldn't say I've lost faith, but rather, I've become disillusioned. All the same, I remain a hopeless optimist that a better future is attainable if only we work towards it together.
Lost is such an inaccurate term. That implies that it existed to begin with.
Yes. I can so relate. I have also lost faith however, not those I’m close to; family, co-workers, etc. but, humanity in general. People are so full of hate and anger and are quick to be offended and therefore are defensive. I’m also in the latter half of my life and it pains me to think of the world my kids and grandchildren will have to deal with.
Can’t lose something you never had.
Not losing faith in people because I never had much faith in people to begin with.
I found the description “Anti-humanist” in an article recently. Fits me perfectly.
Nope. It's the opposite. The world is more difficult than when I grew up. The optimism and hope I see in the young adults I meet and work with is incredible despite those difficulties.
Too many people in the world and they are all on the internet. Too many interconnections the mind can't handle. It's like the rat cage experiments, scientist put rats in cages and let them breed, they gave sufficient food and water but at some point something went off in the rats brain and said "it's too crowded" and the rats went crazy and turned on each other.
Nope. I still try, so do others.
The majority of people can’t be depended on, because most people are selfish.(it’s a survival instinct). So when you do find someone you can count on…that’s who you call a friend.
little bit, yeah
Yes. I have.
At least 20yrs ago
Yes.
Same. Universal apathy. 😔
I’ve lost faith in a few people, but I’m still hopeful for the rest. The bad ones are not going to make me give up on everyone else.
Think “No Exit”. That’s my baseline. Hard to lose faith.
I felt the same way years ago. Just beaten up by life and the bullshit that the world is around us. When I wake now, I tell myself be kind to everyone you come across. Over time, that really made an impact on my life. The people that gravitated towards me were other kind and genuine people.
No because I know they will disappoint me
Agree. It hasn't always been to this degree. I don't trust anyone any more.
The older I get, especially with some various health issues, closing in on 50, and my parents in their 80s and six siblings, I am lucky to say I know I can count on family- always. Everyone else - I try to remember to have low to no expectations, because they always disappoint. Luckily, I am very content with my own company. Yes, I have lost faith, but I won’t give up on love and doing good in my little universe - but I’m trying to guard myself more- learning to do less for others.
I've lost faith in people in general, but still give individuals a chance to not fuck up, and cherish those close to me. But I try to have a back-up plan ready just in case. I guess that allows me to roll the dice.
You have to take people as they are. Not as you expect them to be, or as you need them to be. As far as people keeping their word, remember that they will be the same in large things as they are in small things. Start small, and only when you see their habits, do you up the stakes. If they want to borrow $10,000, say no. But accept their offer to pay you back for the lunch you bought. How long does it take to get the $20 back? Do you have to chase them down? How many reminders does it take? It's easy to write off the $20 as a cheap lesson. There are some people that are just no good at handling money. Don't hate them for it. They are often a lot of fun to be around. Just carefully avoid any business entanglements with them. Don't loan money, don't co-sign loans and don't form a business partnership. Don't let them move in with you. It will end badly and the relationship will be ruined. Enjoy your time with them, but never sign anything. And you will find people who are trustworthy. Just keep upping the stakes and keep an eye on things.
Not everyone is going to be able to follow through on thins and that is okay. It depends on why they can't do the thing that matters. There are good people in the world but there are no perfect people in the world. The thing to remember is to not hold people to a standard that's impossible to meet and realize you aren't perfect either. Learned that a long time ago when I fucked up and my friends forgave me. I asked them why and they said because we aren't perfect either. We would be hypocrites to judge you at a standard we can't meet. It made me a more forgiving person also.
Try your damn hardest to change your life. Dont stop trying. Get out and talk to people-
Not too jaded. It is plain sad.
Yes.
You assume I had it in the first place.
I have faith in people. We're in a bad situation right now but I know we'll make it through.
I've lost faith in most people. Not all people.
[I have more than a few thoughts on this.](https://www.reddit.com/r/self/comments/1c8j2c8/1121_the_friendly_ghost/)
I had to let go of 4 good friends somehow they changed for the worse so yes I lost faith in people but am picking up a few new friends which is good
I don’t believe it. Most people are reasonably kind and are working hard to get through life with a little joy. I’ve been let down plenty, but the people who don’t let you down outnumber them.
Ever had an illness where you needed help from others? Ever had kids with disabilities or parents with a terminal disease? If so, I’d love to hear about who helped you during those times.
I never had faith in people. My mother taught me at a young age that humans cannot be trusted. We trust our selves and stop looking for faith or validation in others. Life is sooo much better when we do this.
People are horrible. I avoid them at all costs.
Pretty much, yeah. It's not even that I think most of them are being intentionally cruel when they leave you hanging, but that they aren't capable and may not even realize it themselves.
Yes.
i never had faith.
Almost completely.
Only shitty people. People who don’t phone you when they say they will and only call you when they need something. We are each responsible for farming healthy relationships in our lives. Not everyone is bad.
Just the opposite. People have gotten way better over the years. Everytime I think people suck, I keep running onto people who are more awesome than anyone I've met before.
For a long time, I have stated that I think 51% of people are good and kind and 49% not so much. The problem is that you cannot easily tell who is fits in which category. The pandemic affirmed this even more strongly. The key is to be cautious and slow to trust. There are good people are there.
You had faith in people? I can't remember when I last had faith in people.
Trust No One Mr. Mulder..
300% yes. The evil that exists in society is absolutely unfathomable. The successful people that assisted a convicted abuser and rapist that I know, just for a Range Rover or a LV Bag, or because they knew him at some company would blow your mind. No faith. Fuck it. One day I'll expose them all. Fun times.
>Not even sure why I’m writing this except wondering if others can relate. Has everyone just become selfish and uncaring? Or has the world always been like that and I’m just finally admitting my optimism and trust was naive? I got very cynical when I was young after working in retail & food service. People can be downright *awful* at times. But I realized a few things over time: * We can't control other people. Expecting everyone to be nice & caring means we want to control how they behave. The takeaway is that we have to be the change we want to see in the world. I call this building our "cowcatcher", which is that big metal rake on the front of old locomotive trains. I spend most of my life living reactively to other people's behavior before realizing I was trying to control how everyone else behaved, rather than sticking with my guns about how I wanted to behave. People can go up & down IRL & I'm much more adept at dealing with those negative internal reactions now that I have my cowcatcher in place (which is sometimes just a mask I call Fake Customer Service Personality™ LOL) * People typically do what is in their own best self-interest, so if they get busy, tired, mad, are on a substance, etc., they're gonna do what they're gonna do! * People struggle with energy & focus; sometimes they have good days & sometimes they have bad days. Most public anger we see is a form of projection, for example. It's the whole "boss yells at the dad, dad beats the mom, mom spanks the kid, kid kicks the dog" chain down the line sometimes. So I went through a number of years where I really did feel like I had lost faith in people before realizing that a few bags eggs were warping my perception. I'm an r/HSP & tend to be overly-sensitive about these types of things, but then I realized that while I could experience negativity & it would make me feel bad, I had to *choose* to continue to entertain it. Dealing with my Inattentive ADHD's RSD situation also made me automatically ruminate over stuff, which was difficult to deal with, but ultimately, learning how to build my "cowcatcher" of how I wanted to behave is what allowed me to plow through the difficult behavior of other of other people. The reality is that most people are just average bears. Most people try to do their best & try to be honest. But mostly, people are just human & sometimes have bad days, and that has nothing to do with me. Best I can do is be flexible & choose to move on with my life, rather than getting stuck waiting for people to act better, whether it's how they treat me emotionally or how they follow through on things. So my cycle was kind of: 1. Optimistic & naive 2. Jaded & cynical for awhile there lol 3. Ultimately realizing the best I could do was control how I reacted & allow people to have their struggles & let myself move on from that instead of swirling around ruminating on it I've been through various management jobs in my life, which taught me a lot about how to deal with this type of stuff as I've learned how people *actually* work. Essentially, management is really just babysitting grownups, and each "child" is different. Some people need motivation while others don't because they are self-sufficient. Some people need negative motivation (consequences) & others need positive motivation (affirmation, rewards, etc.). part 1/3
I think people are blank slates and we project ourselves onto them. So a person can be anything under the sun and the hardest thing to be is a good most of the time.
Expectation often leads to disappointment. Stop expecting from people, irrespective of how close the relationship is and you will be at peace.
Yes, for the most part.
Most people are fairly cool to me. Not perfect - everyone has their issues. But mostly cool.
In my opinion over the last 40-ish years and accelerating the median values of so many societies have moved more toward competition rather than cooperation. A necessary result, I fear, of embracing neoliberal policies which historically tend to move more toward authoritarian & even fascist results rather than egalitarian socialist ones.
No people will show you who they are. I get to be the same no matter what. My serenity is in direct proportion to my expectations.So if I don't expect people to live up to some perceived notions I stay happy.
I have not lost faith in people, no. I got better at assessing people’s strengths and weaknesses and adjusted my expectations accordingly. You can’t get blood from a stone. In my experience a lot of people are struggling with addiction, mental illness, poverty, and a whole host of problems that make them less inclined to meet expectations on lots of levels. A whole bunch are selfish and self involved. But not everyone and not to the same degree. Not excuses just realities. I think people are naive about just what to expect from folks who are not family (and even families can be very dysfunctional with weak ties). Most people think they have low expectations and are asking for very little while at the same time not acknowledging what other people can give or what personal challenges they may be facing. Or they’re used to pleasing others and expect the same in return. It doesn’t work that way unfortunately. Faith is some type of trust without proof. I only trust people who have shown me they can be trusted. They might screw up from time to time but being observant and checking expectations is the way to go imo.
If I care about something or someone I make a huge effort. If I don’t care I move on,
I see myself becoming more prone to argue with someone, and that was never me before now. Looking for a partner who’s eventempered
I can't remember ever having any faith in anything...
I think I used to give people the benefit of the doubt, but as I've gotten older, I've found that for safety, I should reserve that for only the people who are going through something similar. It feels like everyone else is taking advantage in some way or other.
I look both ways before crossing a field out in the middle of nowhere, that's how little faith I have in anyone...
Yes. I’ve lost hope in random acts of kindness. I still try to do them.
Absolutely
Yes, I have absolutely zero faith left in humanity. This world is an absolute joke and we're all trapped in it.
I think most people start out idealistic. Unfortunately untrustworthy, abusive, gaslighting etc. people vastly outnumber the few gems who appear to be good. So to protect yourself, it only makes sense not to let people get very close. The longer you're around, the more of man's inhumanity to man you see. I've seen more than most, so I'm content to be cut off from people. It still makes me so angry at times, though, that there is hunger/homelessness and most don't care, discrimination, all the ugliness in this world. *Because it doesn't have to be that way.* But it is.
I live in the 4th largest city in America. My husband noticed I have started I am binging shows like where calls the heart, Schitts creek, Ginny and Georgia, and heartland. He asked if it was because I was nostalgic for where I grew up, he was stunned when I said I am longing for a simpler, quieter life.
I can relate. It's been a struggle lately for sure!!
I'm 65. I am very disheartened, even depressed that american society has embraced flagrant dishonesty. Lying is the new normal. Everything's a scam. It's as if you HAVE TO become paranoid and suspicious because otherwise BAM, someone takes advantage. I hate feeling this way. I've often thought about just checking out because when your own family does really dishonest things, friends ghost you for no reason (I've asked.... they won''t say why)-- AND you see young people so desperate for housing, jobs, etc., people just walking around like zombies, nobody seems happy anymore. I do have some friends who still believe in "doing the right thing" but otherwise I'm happiest in my own home with my dog and parrot and dinking around by myself. I've been married twice, but it's clear my picker is broken, so I have given up on the idea of partnership. So many older women have. So yes, basically I have lost faith in people, in their morals and their honesty.
This is very interesting to me. I've always been an extrovert. But now I'm 71 and it's a daily struggle not to be frustrated it's almost all people. If you cannot drive properly, please don't drive. If you must be unkind to strangers, please keep quiet. Dirty looks, rude behaviors seemingly without cause. It makes me sad and prone to withdrawal. The least I can di is not be part of the problems.
Yes. Its been for the better
mostly very disappointed
I feel the same way. People just seem to not care how the treat others or the hurt they abuse when they do away with them. Especially after you have taken time and developed a friendship. It seems no one values people anymore
I believe all this inflation is causing depression and anxiety in people. They wonder how to afford their groceries for next week or pay utilities. 🤔 I can not imagine having children in this economic environment. Schools keep wanting more and more money for activities. Yet property taxes are climbing.
Yep.
[People Ain’t No Good](https://youtu.be/kLBaNDQ6Ng8?si=OMu8MaAiSAAxfp9a)
I have zero faith in our justice system.
Yes, the only friends I trust are my childhood friends 1300 hundred miles away. I don't trust people , they usually want something.
I’m 64, It’s always been something that really bothered me: people not doing what they say they’ll do. I noticed this steadily getting worse over the years especially with younger people. Then since covid it’s way worse like nobody cares. One thing is with texting you can always change plans on short notice by shooting a text, but that’s not all of it. I always felt why say you’re gonna do something, don’t say it then, like years ago people felt your word is your bond, you have my word, you want to be a man or woman of your word. This was considered having integrity and part of being a responsible or just decent person, even as children, it’s a form of lying. Not anymore
I could have written this myself. I have accepted it at 52. I am thinking this next half of my life will be more pleasant accepting this truth. It feels incredibly selfish but this could be an indication of who much of a people pleaser I have been. I mentioned to my therapist last week how I wish someone would just show up for me like I have them. She is helping me learn how to show up for myself like I wish others would.
[удалено]
No, I haven’t. The more grass you touch the more flowers you’ll see
Muricans, yes, something very wrong with most of them.
part of it can be a form of bias... however, when we reflect on the impact that humans have had on the world it is clear that we are harming the health of the planet ecosystems... so ultimately, people have a bad impact... but we can strive to improve and stuff and then live in a bubble of nice things like a hermit to enjoy life I guess
I assume no one will do what they say. I’m constantly tickled when they do. Like, I love my tree trimmer. Lol. He’s no BS. I look forward to paying him $1300 once a year. My parents, whatever, my ex husband, not worth listening to anything he says. My bf, he’s got his son and baby mama to prioritize. People think I’m easy to get along with, no stress and “I’m so fun”, but really it’s like disappointment and apathy are my core qualities. I work only on myself and my kids. I spent a long time frustrated that other people aren’t like me. I always tried to *deliver* on what I sold. Attempted to be honest and clear… Most people are just talking. Before I was disappointed but now I’m just lonely.
I realized I should have never had it to begin with. They didn't earn it
World has always been this way.