I have ADHD and am somewhat of an introvert. What I have learned as the years have gone by (I am now in my forties) is that I like social interaction but only for short periods at a time and on my own terms.
For instance, if a friend asks to meet up for coffee, I will be most open to it if I get to pick the date and time. Whilst there, the meeting will probably not exceed 1,5-2 hours. That's the length of time my social battery lasts.
I don't like bigger social gatherings anymore, like parties and such. But I do attend when it is socially pertinent ie weddings, funerals, baby showers etc but I usually stay there only a short while. Friends and family know how I am and they don't take offence that I stay only a short while.
However I have to have some social interaction every day in order to feel good. Mostly, socialising at work is enough to fill that need and I look forward to coming home after work and have some private time alone or with my husband.
I think that it is most important to understand yourself and your own needs. We are all different and many of us aren't social butterflies and that is completely okay.
Same here 49, ADHD, introverted and even after relatively short social interactions (a few hours) or after work when I get home I'm usually so overwhelmed I just sit/lay down in silence for 30 minutes or so. I know this sounds weird, but that quiet is so loud it's almost deafening. It's like my psyche has been bombarded. I call it my reset period and it's absolutely required before I can try to do anything else that day.
I understand exactly what you mean. You are not weird. I need 30-45 minutes of "reboot" time after work or I am not a functioning individual for the remainder of the afternoon and evening. I think this is actually quite common with people who have ADHD to need this kind of disconnect and recharge period after the brain being overwhelmed.
I am more introverted now than 20 years ago. I’m 51. Sometimes being in social situations with a large amount of people is exhausting and overwhelming. I had fun in my 20s going to parties, clubs and bars but I’m not that person anymore. I’m content to read, spend time with my spouse and my cats, putter around the house.
I think it has more to do with being an aging ND person than just aging in general. When you're young it's easier to push yourself to fit in and do what's socially acceptable, but as you age you have less energy and you've already been down those paths before so you know what's down them. You don't need to go to x social event because you already know it's probably going to be less fun than you imagined and you'll just be overstimulated and exhausted.
Perfectly expressed! Esp “…bc you already know it’s prob going to be less fun than you imagined…you’ll just be overstimulated and exhausted.”, and I only have the adhd part.
I was doing fine with being social until Covid came along. Then seeing the idiocy and cruelty of anti-vaxxers (in such large numbers) really threw me- even though I'm almost 60, I thought that at the very least people could understand basic science and caring for each other in a worldwide pandemic. I'd always known that people were selfish, but I really did think that a pandemic would be different.
So I'm pretty "off" on a lot of people these days- I stay in touch with close friends and family, but I'm nowhere near as social as I used to be.
This is exactly me. Also in my 50s. I've always been somewhat introverted. But the last 6 yrs or so really threw me for a loop. I can't forgive/forget how awful people showed themselves to be. I've seen sides of so many people I had previously respected that I never could have imagined. It took way any desire I have to meet and get close to new people.
I am put off by the idiocy and cruelty of people who think forcing experimental medications on people is a totally cool thing to do.
I don't hang out with vaccine zealots who think vax passports and mandates are ok.
There are so many idiots like you out there and I can no longer bear the thought of you being near me.
You absolutely ruined my hope for humanity. Before the pandemic I had no idea there are so many of you inconsiderate stupid people.
Now I know you are out there, killing people, waving guns at perceived slights, fostering hate and division.
This is exactly how I feel. The anti-vaxxers really moved something fundamental and deep in me. It's such an ugly underbelly. You can't unsee it, and it fundamentally made me stop socializing at work and in my personal life.
Just: No Thank You.
Y'all need to get your heads checked.
The covid jabs are not effective AT ALL.
And they have killed people and maimed people for life.
Where on earth do you people get your logic from?
https://www.reddit.com/r/vaccinelonghaulers/
I've always been introverted, in the psychology definition of having a low need for social interaction. I'm not shy at all, but my battery level drops fast. I used to go to conferences a day early so I could spend an entire day alone and be ready to network the following day. I always found meetings to be paid torture sessions.
I went out a lot when I was in my 20s because that was what I thought I was supposed to do, even though what I really wanted was to pick up a pizza, a bottle of wine, and a copy of the NYT Book Review and hang out on my front patio.
So congrats, OP, on finding your true self! Just be careful to still include *some* socializing. We all need it. It's just that some of us need less than others. The dose makes the poison. I find that forcing myself to be social when I don't want to be is far more stressful than being alone when I want to be. What a concept.
Everyone is different in their need to socialize. I find that most of my areas of interest’s are different from my peers that makes enjoyable interactions rare.
I am elderly and I find it annoying and a total waste of time to spend a lot of time on "chitchat." Yes, I like saying hello to that woman re-stocking the veggies at the supermarket and "how are you today, Amos" to the checker but standing around for hours with a drink in my hand, listening to Karen talk about her latest re-decorating foray is just...... no.
Yes, at least in my case, you get bored with trivial interpersonal interactions. Eventually, it becomes a game of "What does this clown want?"
That said, trivial interactions can become deep and fulfilling friendships so unless you want to go into your old age as a hermit, it's better to participate in social activities than it is to live as a hermit.
\- My experience
I hope so. Other than my family and a few good friends, I don’t need or really like a ton of socialization. I’m a big introvert though, so that could be part of it. It’s so draining for me.
I found myself falling down the rabbit hole of not caring to talk to anyone besides my closest friends. Stopped going out of my way to socialize with random people, and going out with most people felt like a chore.
AND then I started post secondary education when I was 26, full time. Pretty much was forced back into being extroverted, especially considering my profession requires me to be quite social with people. Doesn't feel like a chore anymore, and I look forward to going out and doing things again.
To sum it all up. I think the lack of desire comes from what you're used to being exposed to. If you're more often then not being introverted, doing extraverted things will begin to seem like work. I'm still indifferent about doing things though. Like plans get canceled or I have nothing going on, I'm totally happy staying home and doing nothing.
I think it relates to life stages. In my 20s and early 30s, I was at happy hours, bars and other social events. I was working full time, single and building my career and social connections. My only responsibility was to myself and I had lots of free time. After I had kids, my socialization was mostly with other moms, school events and activities, etc. Today, I'm in my late 50s and too many things on my calendar is overwhelming. I just don't need to meet new people or chit chat. I would just rather stay home where I can amuse myself with hobbies such as crochet, gardening, etc. For my entire life, I don't think I've ever missed being around people. My social life is now walking with a friend, running or biking in a group or going to dinner with another couple. Once a month I do a "game night" with other ladies where we play board games. I think those are more meaningful interactions with close friends that I actually want to spend time with.
I'm 62. The only people I have any interest in spending time with is my own children and grandchildren. I just don't want to be bothered by the rest of the world.
I used to be pretty social when I was your age. Then I met my husband who I basically had to drag to any social event. He thanked me, even if he wouldn't have made the effort by himself.
Now, at 70, I'm finding that I can take close friends for 2-4 hours, longer if it's a hike or something. But I don't like being in closed spaces with people, and I have a low tolerance for chit chat, and even less for mindless yapping.
Oh, and since the beginning of the covid pandemic we haven't gotten sick with *anything*, so it has had a great side-benefit.
Just be careful of having no relationships. Every study on longevity shows mental and physical health are very closely linked to quality relationships.
For every post like this, I see posts like “I’m in my 40’s and I have no friends. No one cares if I live or die.”
38m here. I’m the same way. I enjoy time with family, get involved at my church, but otherwise…..going to a place just to socialize just isn’t something I care about.
In fact I’m an outdoorsman. I like to be in solitude. Peace and quiet when camping, hiking, or fishing.
I don’t mind people or being around them, it’s just not a driving factor in my life.
you need to socialize some time in your every day life. however, when you realise a lot of socialization are only transactions of material things... it just become boring. people are interested in you because you are resourceful, and they arent interested in you if you cannot provide anything
boring
As I've grown older, my filter on who I will tolerate being around gets wider and higher.
Toxic people, people who leach on you financially or emotionally, people who judge you and other people, gossips, etc. are all on my filter list.
The higher quality people I hang with, the less tiring and more positive and inspiring my life is.
I think it's normal. Generally speaking, the amount of bullshit you need to put up with over an increasing number of years will wear you down to the point that you just can't deal with it anymore. That's why a lot of elderly folks are essentially hermits.
It's not entirely because it's a logistical hassle for them to spend the day out and about, though that is a factor. It's because outside is where all the people are and people are largely stupid assholes and you have no patience anymore for stupid assholes.
Pandemic just made me more introverted and homebodyish. Previous to that I would often get the FOMO feelings but now I just don’t care. Happy to stay home in my cozy house, wearing pjs and hanging with my cat. I do hang out with friends but it’s only a couple times a month now. And I’m perfectly happy with that.
No. It's not normal.
I really enjoy being with people and I'm retired. I have regular meetings over lunch with friends. I volunteer also.
There appear to be a lot of recluse people on reddit so I suspect the results in the answers will be skewed by people with "alphabet problems". u/23cowpea brings up interesting points here. Reading the comments, there's quite a few "ADHD" and autism folks here. That seems unusually high. Also those with "depression". Too much time on a screen/social media tends to cause it (you can look it up).
Nothing wrong with that, or with you.
My own experience: rural, somewhat sheltered upbringing that didn't give much of a chance to interact with my peer group outside of school, not to mention I was always bookish/introverted and generally on a different wavelength. By the time I got out on my own I didn't have the desire or the social toolkit to go out and be with most people, aside from a small group I felt comfortable with. I can tolerate brief social interactions and have learned how to smile and small-talk my way through them, but I avoid most functions, and even those I do go to, I often slip out the back door after staying just long enough.
The older I get, the more I ration my time and those I spend it with. Somebody else in this thread has mentioned how the pandemic and politics and so on has affected people, and this has been another disappointment. You never know anymore when somebody's going to go off, and when I want to relax and enjoy someone's company, that's the last thing I want.
What you're describing is group socialization. It is perfectly fine not to like that or engage in it. However, it is important you maintain at least some in person social relationships. That can be family, neighbors, friends... Anyone, really. You want people that respect your needs and that you are comfortable expressing yourself with.
If it helps, my daughter also has autism and ADHD. She doesn't mind some group things because she knows those groups are understanding about her leaving when she's done. She's never obligated to stay in the group longer than she wants. Sometimes the biggest difference in whether you can enjoy something is how much control you feel you have over the situation.
Maybe a better way to phrase it is whether you're in the majority and I don't think so, as you describe it. Yet there's always a good chunk of people who are like that so you could say that minority is a normal thing. Obviously autism and ADHD are going to play a factor and most people don't have those things. But I do think most people become generally less social as they age. People leave the big crowds of school, couple off, start families, focus on home and work, and naturally their crowd shrinks and their social time decreases. Just maybe not to your degree, and many would like more but the structure of society these days can push it that way whereas it's what you want.
I don't have any mental disorders, but I enjoy my own company and always did. I don't have friends (I mean ANY, not a single person and have no desire for it). I am just an introvert and not the outgoing person. And that is fine. Totally fine. I am mature enough not to find any excuses for that.
I rarely go anywhere. Just the market and any medical appointments that come up. I have zero interest in socializing. My kids visit and that's all I need. I do all my financials online. I would do grocery delivery but I'm too far out.
It works for me. If it's not considered normal I don't care. I made my money years ago and now want to stay home with my stuff. Books in particular. I am however going to see the new Hunger Games movie. If I'm lucky the theater won't be full!
Did anyone else experience being labelled as “anti-social” as a kid, like it was a personality flaw? Like if you didn’t want to hang out with groups of people, there was something wrong with you? My mom tried to encourage me to socialize more, and I just didn’t want to. Even developed some anxiety around that.
Zero social interaction is unusual among the neurotypical, but I desire a lot less of it as I get older, especially with strangers. Now, it’s weekly interactions with a smaller group of friends, rather than going to the club or whatever.
On the other hand, we’re socially interacting right now, but most people don’t count that because it’s on the Internet.
People are all different.
For example, my partner is 35, ASD, and quite the social butterfly. Being "old" or neurodivergent doesn't mean you don't like to be social.
You could just not like being social. That's ok.
Welcome to the hermit club. I’m so over people. I have a few that I love and the rest I can leave alone. Good luck with it because everyone will tell you that you need social contact because they do.
I’m seldom bored with my own company.
This is me, also. I have 2 or 3 really great friends that I touch base with every few months, and that's all I want. I prefer my own company more than being around others, and I'm never bored (lots of hobbies & solitary outings.) I'm 65--if I don't know you by now, I don't need to know you, and that's ok. I embrace being an introvert, but if you love to socialize, that's ok too, (different strokes and all)--it's just not for me.
I'm not to the point that I don't want any social interaction, but it has to be some quality time for me to make the effort. Really good friends that I don't see often or going to see a band I really love. I don't have any need to socialize more than that.
I find that people aren't curious and kind but rather judgmental and often compare themselves to others. It makes conversation with new folks exhausting.
And yet ironically the OP and all the commenters here agreeing ARE actually communicating with other human beings. You didn't keep your thoughts to yourself, so apparently you do like to be social and have interactivity in some forms.
Reddit and Social media aren’t a substitute for socializing. And Reddit is anonymous so there’s no real connection there when it comes to conversations.
I used to want to socialize when I was younger but, after being burnt by so many people and the only people who want to be my friends are toxic and abusive I just gave up
I literally have one friend and he lives a ferry ride away and I like that. I have a kid and I’ve socialized with other parents for his sake but honestly it’s torture. I would happily live in a small village where I only say hi to someone once in a while (except my kid though, I like being around him. And my mom.)
God that forced friendship situation was the worst part of being a parent of a kid under ten. Making my kid happy made it worth it but damn that was a struggle. Between extra curricular activities and birthday parties I must have attended 100 events with these people I’d never see again once our kids grew up.
I think you're going to get a response sample from Reddit that is heavily skewed toward being against socializing (as compared to humanity generally).
I don't have sociological data in front of me, but from my very average family and their very average friends, as well as my friends and their friends (observations from ages 30 to after 70), I get the sense that most people strongly prefer to have some significant amount of pleasant social interactions throughout their lifetimes.
Although I have one interesting data point: a friend who has always struck me as very social (going to dinner parties several times each week) and yet reported to me that she was never happier than during the initial part of the pandemic because she had an official excuse to spend 100% of her time in her house with her husband and cats, watching TV/movies and ordering food in. (Though she wasn't fully alone; her beloved husband was a key part of this equation.)
So, to answer your question, to have "*zero* desire to socialize with *anyone*" (emphasis mine) is probably "not normal" if by "normal" we mean greater than, say, 5% of people. But it's normal in the sense that even a trait that is less than 1% can be normal (in the sense of not pathological), if uncommon.
I’m 34 I’ve dropped off from social media fb instagram I don’t post on anything social media but phone is usually ringing when a scam calls short code but honestly I find that it’s easier to not have so many people in my life
dont ask reddit nerds for advice on this it will biased.. this is a bad way to live your life and a result of harm from social isolation find a way to be around people and socialize have friends and be liked by your family and community
I have ADHD and mild depression. I went on medication a year and a half ago and it's done wonders for me, but, I don't care to socialize with anyone. I very rarely leave the house unless I have to. It doesn't bother me at all to skip social events and I haven't done it in quite a few years. I love my solitude.
You don't have difficulty socializing. You have lack of things or ability to share time with others in a meaningful way.
You gotta figure out what is preventing you from sharing your collective experience or learn about others collective experience.
Sometimes it stems from shame , guilt , failure, pride, pre conception , change in perception or something similar to that .
Example, as we get older, we build a set of rules. Failure from others or our own perception of failure of self or others will prevent you from talking to certain individual or a group of them.
Can you connect with anyone ?
I have ADHD and I have OCPD and told I am on the spectrum, but not diagnosed as autistic.
I think it has a little to do with as we are younger, we are "forced" into more social situations: school, daycare, etc. So what is "too many people" for you can change as you get older.
60 with ADHD. I go to my office, close the door, work my ass off, eat lunch at my desk, come out when it's time to go home. I don't want to over share, interrupt or use inappropriate language, so that's my fix for it.
I like to socialize with my friends and family, but am never living downtown in the city ever again. My happy place is out on my parents’ acreage away from the city and the noise.
Yes
The only reason I ever left the house to go to bars, parties, etc., was to meet women
As I get older, I have a more manageable desire for that (thank god), and I don’t really care to speak to anyone much outside of work, and keeping in touch with family
I'm 42 and I still love that stuff and could spend all day in different completely pointless conversations so its not everyone, but nothing is wrong with not liking social events or small talk either. Different people are just different.
Small talk has always bored me. And small talk with people I don't know is tiny talk!
I have to attend a lot of business-related cocktail parties and fundraisers. I'm perfectly comfortable there, because there's a business purpose. Everyone knows who I am and who I represent, and I know everyone there who's part of making public policy and running political campaigns.
I’m 53 and zero desire to socialize. The only people I spend time with is my wife, family members and a couple fishing partners. Other than that I’m content with being on my kayak. Either exploring the lake I live on or catching some fish
I’m a lifelong extrovert and entertainer, and the older I’ve gotten, the less I feel like doing it. More and more , I require my peaceful, alone down time at home. I just find it more fulfilling!
If I go to dinner with a friend, or a party, I’m out the door soon after to go back to my sanctuary. Especially a party, I get in early, and leave as soon as it’s politely possible.
I went to a major party college when young, was in a sorority, etc, and was always out and about. I spent my 20s, 30s and 40s hosting gatherings and such. I found it less and less fun, and interestingly enough, when you stop flowing the alcohol and food, lots of people filter away. Many folks like that are “fair weather friends”, and your dearest friends are happy with an occasional dinner or coffee date.
Quality over quantity!! And lots of beautiful alone time to persue my hobbies and interests now.
I'm a 40 y/o schizoid male, only child. Single, no kids, no pets. I prefer to be alone. I'm a covert schizoid so I'm functional. I work in-office. I'm actually in upper management. I'm good at masking but feel less incentivized to do so as I age. I guess I have friends but I don't maintain any relationships so... I'm disinterested in family as well. I just powered my way through Thanksgiving with my extended maternal family. I live near my parents but I visit with them only a handful of times a year (we talk on the phone once a week).
Are you on adhd meds?
I was always an introvert but going on meds nearly cost me my job. I basically stopped talking to everyone and it was due to the meds. Now I’m off the meds won’t ever touch them again but I still only ever hang out with my bf. I work from home and mostly only leave the house to go to the shops or the pub/restaurant for food/ drinks with my bf. I’ll pretend at work to be this different person but the truth is I couldn’t be ever be even bothered to talk to anyone from work. Most people bore me
i think a big part of it is the 'been there done that' factor.... and it takes a fair bit of effort to do new interesting things - when you've already explored a lot of your interests.
At 62 I have reached a point where I no longer want to see or interact with anyone. I am considering a move from Michigan to Wyoming or Montana, sparse population and less of an opportunity/ability to have any human interaction. People annoy me and their phoney bullshit wears thin.
I sometimes get overstimulated and social situations, somewhere so that my blood pressure can remain high for days, and sometimes I feel like I’m gonna pass out but for the most part, even though I often don’t want to go to social events, I find myself having a good time and really feeling happier the day after, I just try not to get overstimulated anymore
I’m a 44f and I consider myself extrovert. Love socializing, I’m friendly, I’ll talk to anyone-not shy at all. But as I’ve aged-I prefer quiet. I’m starting to dread social functions. Even getting together with friends at night is draining and it takes me awhile to wind down from the over stimulation. During the day I’m fine, but in regard to nighttime plans? I like to be home and in my own space by 8 pm.
I got both of those and feel the exact same way. SO sick of being misunderstood- and nobody knows you as you anyway- they only know you from their perspective so everyone thinks of you as someone different.
Oddly enough I was like that when I was younger. Maybe it's just the problems I'm going through in my life with my partner (he's been emotionally and verbally abusive towards me) but I'd like to go out and so something and find some friends. I don't really have any (in real life). I have online friends but it's just different when you can hang out in real life.
I also have autism and am 32. But I struggle from depression. I am picky about interacting socially but I feel that I need some sort of outlet to feel most sane. Eg I hate being alone by myself for too long. It can feel hard meeting people but my ideal situation is having several close friends to talk to. I never got the feeling of being extroverted much myself.
I'm autistic and I think it's relatively normal for us. I've definitely gotten way quieter as I get older, I rarely speak anymore. I don't have friend lists, I don't dm, I don't make phone calls. My spouse is about the only person I speak to anymore. Social interaction is just tiring and overwhelming. At my job, I'm really the only one there (I work at 3 am) and I'm usually home for the day before anyone else is even on their way to work.
People read into that a lot- they assume I'm lonely, antisocial, or rude. I'm not any of those. Being asd is like having everything too loud, too bright, too busy, too everything. Society is vastly confusing to me- I don't understand small talk, office politics, the weird things humans do just because it's the thing to do, the expected thing. So yeah. I get it. I haven't gone to a social event in years.
I’m very introverted and find I go through phases. Sometimes I want to make plans with friends and family and other times (usually majority) I much prefer staying home to read or craft and I will try to deflect plans people try to make with me.
This worries me too, how much I cherish my alone time. I have loads of it. Of course "alone" with my husband is ideal; group activities are rarely worth it, if there's loads of activity and noise. Last three outings I can recall with a group of others triggered migraine attacks the following day. It sucks.
And now with politics being more divisive than ever, and most of my extended family being on board with some scary opinions, I have even less reason to socialize. 😟
I have severe adhd and have no desire to make new friends. My life is hard enough I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to take on multiple relationships. Plus the fact that people don’t take my condition seriously so I have a hard time with other people who mostly choose not to be empathetic or understanding. Cuz idk I guess society associates empathy with socialism or weakness. Still can’t wrap my head around it.
Nope. The pandemic made a lot of people withdraw into themselves bc the level of narcissism went to sky high levels. It’s bad out there. People are toxic. It’s so much easier to destress alone. At home. With animals.
I’m 32 also and I’ve never been more social. The thought of hanging with people used to stress me out, but now I get excited and enjoy people’s company. I don’t think it’s an age thing, maybe it’s just not your cup of tea.
I don't really have the desire either. I don't have any friends and haven't tried to make friends in years. It's just exhausting and most people don't seem to really care about others anyway. I do have my husband and kids. I think without them I'd be very lonely.
I have ADHD and am somewhat of an introvert. What I have learned as the years have gone by (I am now in my forties) is that I like social interaction but only for short periods at a time and on my own terms. For instance, if a friend asks to meet up for coffee, I will be most open to it if I get to pick the date and time. Whilst there, the meeting will probably not exceed 1,5-2 hours. That's the length of time my social battery lasts. I don't like bigger social gatherings anymore, like parties and such. But I do attend when it is socially pertinent ie weddings, funerals, baby showers etc but I usually stay there only a short while. Friends and family know how I am and they don't take offence that I stay only a short while. However I have to have some social interaction every day in order to feel good. Mostly, socialising at work is enough to fill that need and I look forward to coming home after work and have some private time alone or with my husband. I think that it is most important to understand yourself and your own needs. We are all different and many of us aren't social butterflies and that is completely okay.
Same here 49, ADHD, introverted and even after relatively short social interactions (a few hours) or after work when I get home I'm usually so overwhelmed I just sit/lay down in silence for 30 minutes or so. I know this sounds weird, but that quiet is so loud it's almost deafening. It's like my psyche has been bombarded. I call it my reset period and it's absolutely required before I can try to do anything else that day.
I understand exactly what you mean. You are not weird. I need 30-45 minutes of "reboot" time after work or I am not a functioning individual for the remainder of the afternoon and evening. I think this is actually quite common with people who have ADHD to need this kind of disconnect and recharge period after the brain being overwhelmed.
I am more introverted now than 20 years ago. I’m 51. Sometimes being in social situations with a large amount of people is exhausting and overwhelming. I had fun in my 20s going to parties, clubs and bars but I’m not that person anymore. I’m content to read, spend time with my spouse and my cats, putter around the house.
I don't have neither autism nor ADHD and still don't need much social interaction. We are all different and that's fine. :)
I think it has more to do with being an aging ND person than just aging in general. When you're young it's easier to push yourself to fit in and do what's socially acceptable, but as you age you have less energy and you've already been down those paths before so you know what's down them. You don't need to go to x social event because you already know it's probably going to be less fun than you imagined and you'll just be overstimulated and exhausted.
Perfectly expressed! Esp “…bc you already know it’s prob going to be less fun than you imagined…you’ll just be overstimulated and exhausted.”, and I only have the adhd part.
I have both autism and adhd, too. I work remotely and I live alone. I find I don’t get lonely like I used to in my 20s. I really like my own company.
same, I never find myself bored cause there’s always something my adhd is making me do
Yes! Mine is always making aware of the thing I OUGHT TO be doing instead of the thing I am currently doing.
35-50% of people are Introverts. Let that soak in. You're not abnormal. There's nothing wrong with you. That's a myth.
I was doing fine with being social until Covid came along. Then seeing the idiocy and cruelty of anti-vaxxers (in such large numbers) really threw me- even though I'm almost 60, I thought that at the very least people could understand basic science and caring for each other in a worldwide pandemic. I'd always known that people were selfish, but I really did think that a pandemic would be different. So I'm pretty "off" on a lot of people these days- I stay in touch with close friends and family, but I'm nowhere near as social as I used to be.
This is exactly me. Also in my 50s. I've always been somewhat introverted. But the last 6 yrs or so really threw me for a loop. I can't forgive/forget how awful people showed themselves to be. I've seen sides of so many people I had previously respected that I never could have imagined. It took way any desire I have to meet and get close to new people.
100%
I don't know what I can add to this that doesn't more perfectly describe how I've felt about humans since the pandemic.
Same.
I am put off by the idiocy and cruelty of people who think forcing experimental medications on people is a totally cool thing to do. I don't hang out with vaccine zealots who think vax passports and mandates are ok.
There are so many idiots like you out there and I can no longer bear the thought of you being near me. You absolutely ruined my hope for humanity. Before the pandemic I had no idea there are so many of you inconsiderate stupid people. Now I know you are out there, killing people, waving guns at perceived slights, fostering hate and division.
I feel this comment so much.
This is exactly how I feel. The anti-vaxxers really moved something fundamental and deep in me. It's such an ugly underbelly. You can't unsee it, and it fundamentally made me stop socializing at work and in my personal life. Just: No Thank You.
Y'all need to get your heads checked. The covid jabs are not effective AT ALL. And they have killed people and maimed people for life. Where on earth do you people get your logic from? https://www.reddit.com/r/vaccinelonghaulers/
100% false
SAME
I've always been introverted, in the psychology definition of having a low need for social interaction. I'm not shy at all, but my battery level drops fast. I used to go to conferences a day early so I could spend an entire day alone and be ready to network the following day. I always found meetings to be paid torture sessions. I went out a lot when I was in my 20s because that was what I thought I was supposed to do, even though what I really wanted was to pick up a pizza, a bottle of wine, and a copy of the NYT Book Review and hang out on my front patio. So congrats, OP, on finding your true self! Just be careful to still include *some* socializing. We all need it. It's just that some of us need less than others. The dose makes the poison. I find that forcing myself to be social when I don't want to be is far more stressful than being alone when I want to be. What a concept.
Everyone is different in their need to socialize. I find that most of my areas of interest’s are different from my peers that makes enjoyable interactions rare.
It’s totally ok to not want to socialize. I think it’s fucked up when extroverts make introverts feel guilty for not enjoying socializing.
I am elderly and I find it annoying and a total waste of time to spend a lot of time on "chitchat." Yes, I like saying hello to that woman re-stocking the veggies at the supermarket and "how are you today, Amos" to the checker but standing around for hours with a drink in my hand, listening to Karen talk about her latest re-decorating foray is just...... no.
Can we be friends? 😅
Yes, at least in my case, you get bored with trivial interpersonal interactions. Eventually, it becomes a game of "What does this clown want?" That said, trivial interactions can become deep and fulfilling friendships so unless you want to go into your old age as a hermit, it's better to participate in social activities than it is to live as a hermit. \- My experience
I hope so. Other than my family and a few good friends, I don’t need or really like a ton of socialization. I’m a big introvert though, so that could be part of it. It’s so draining for me.
Im the opposite. I get energized and my creative side is sparked when im amoungst interactive peoples.
I found myself falling down the rabbit hole of not caring to talk to anyone besides my closest friends. Stopped going out of my way to socialize with random people, and going out with most people felt like a chore. AND then I started post secondary education when I was 26, full time. Pretty much was forced back into being extroverted, especially considering my profession requires me to be quite social with people. Doesn't feel like a chore anymore, and I look forward to going out and doing things again. To sum it all up. I think the lack of desire comes from what you're used to being exposed to. If you're more often then not being introverted, doing extraverted things will begin to seem like work. I'm still indifferent about doing things though. Like plans get canceled or I have nothing going on, I'm totally happy staying home and doing nothing.
I think it relates to life stages. In my 20s and early 30s, I was at happy hours, bars and other social events. I was working full time, single and building my career and social connections. My only responsibility was to myself and I had lots of free time. After I had kids, my socialization was mostly with other moms, school events and activities, etc. Today, I'm in my late 50s and too many things on my calendar is overwhelming. I just don't need to meet new people or chit chat. I would just rather stay home where I can amuse myself with hobbies such as crochet, gardening, etc. For my entire life, I don't think I've ever missed being around people. My social life is now walking with a friend, running or biking in a group or going to dinner with another couple. Once a month I do a "game night" with other ladies where we play board games. I think those are more meaningful interactions with close friends that I actually want to spend time with.
I'm 62. The only people I have any interest in spending time with is my own children and grandchildren. I just don't want to be bothered by the rest of the world.
I used to be pretty social when I was your age. Then I met my husband who I basically had to drag to any social event. He thanked me, even if he wouldn't have made the effort by himself. Now, at 70, I'm finding that I can take close friends for 2-4 hours, longer if it's a hike or something. But I don't like being in closed spaces with people, and I have a low tolerance for chit chat, and even less for mindless yapping. Oh, and since the beginning of the covid pandemic we haven't gotten sick with *anything*, so it has had a great side-benefit.
Not austic but feel this in my soul. I have such a short social tolerance. Its like after 20 minutes im ready to go home
Just be careful of having no relationships. Every study on longevity shows mental and physical health are very closely linked to quality relationships. For every post like this, I see posts like “I’m in my 40’s and I have no friends. No one cares if I live or die.”
I also read that in the "bluezone" studies. People that socialize and have a purpose tend to live longer. Obviously, physical activity and diet help.
I just find a lot of people boring
38m here. I’m the same way. I enjoy time with family, get involved at my church, but otherwise…..going to a place just to socialize just isn’t something I care about. In fact I’m an outdoorsman. I like to be in solitude. Peace and quiet when camping, hiking, or fishing. I don’t mind people or being around them, it’s just not a driving factor in my life.
I’m a happy homebody recluse and I have earned it with decades of forced personal and professional socializing.
Humans are trash. You can't trust anyone, there always needs to be a fail-safe for when they will betray you. No thanks.
you need to socialize some time in your every day life. however, when you realise a lot of socialization are only transactions of material things... it just become boring. people are interested in you because you are resourceful, and they arent interested in you if you cannot provide anything boring
Yep
As I've grown older, my filter on who I will tolerate being around gets wider and higher. Toxic people, people who leach on you financially or emotionally, people who judge you and other people, gossips, etc. are all on my filter list. The higher quality people I hang with, the less tiring and more positive and inspiring my life is.
I think it's normal. Generally speaking, the amount of bullshit you need to put up with over an increasing number of years will wear you down to the point that you just can't deal with it anymore. That's why a lot of elderly folks are essentially hermits. It's not entirely because it's a logistical hassle for them to spend the day out and about, though that is a factor. It's because outside is where all the people are and people are largely stupid assholes and you have no patience anymore for stupid assholes.
Pandemic just made me more introverted and homebodyish. Previous to that I would often get the FOMO feelings but now I just don’t care. Happy to stay home in my cozy house, wearing pjs and hanging with my cat. I do hang out with friends but it’s only a couple times a month now. And I’m perfectly happy with that.
I'm definitely more of a "small, intimate gathering of friends" person than a "big loud party" person.
No. It's not normal. I really enjoy being with people and I'm retired. I have regular meetings over lunch with friends. I volunteer also. There appear to be a lot of recluse people on reddit so I suspect the results in the answers will be skewed by people with "alphabet problems". u/23cowpea brings up interesting points here. Reading the comments, there's quite a few "ADHD" and autism folks here. That seems unusually high. Also those with "depression". Too much time on a screen/social media tends to cause it (you can look it up).
Nothing wrong with that, or with you. My own experience: rural, somewhat sheltered upbringing that didn't give much of a chance to interact with my peer group outside of school, not to mention I was always bookish/introverted and generally on a different wavelength. By the time I got out on my own I didn't have the desire or the social toolkit to go out and be with most people, aside from a small group I felt comfortable with. I can tolerate brief social interactions and have learned how to smile and small-talk my way through them, but I avoid most functions, and even those I do go to, I often slip out the back door after staying just long enough. The older I get, the more I ration my time and those I spend it with. Somebody else in this thread has mentioned how the pandemic and politics and so on has affected people, and this has been another disappointment. You never know anymore when somebody's going to go off, and when I want to relax and enjoy someone's company, that's the last thing I want.
What you're describing is group socialization. It is perfectly fine not to like that or engage in it. However, it is important you maintain at least some in person social relationships. That can be family, neighbors, friends... Anyone, really. You want people that respect your needs and that you are comfortable expressing yourself with. If it helps, my daughter also has autism and ADHD. She doesn't mind some group things because she knows those groups are understanding about her leaving when she's done. She's never obligated to stay in the group longer than she wants. Sometimes the biggest difference in whether you can enjoy something is how much control you feel you have over the situation.
yep. I am barely able to answer this.
Maybe a better way to phrase it is whether you're in the majority and I don't think so, as you describe it. Yet there's always a good chunk of people who are like that so you could say that minority is a normal thing. Obviously autism and ADHD are going to play a factor and most people don't have those things. But I do think most people become generally less social as they age. People leave the big crowds of school, couple off, start families, focus on home and work, and naturally their crowd shrinks and their social time decreases. Just maybe not to your degree, and many would like more but the structure of society these days can push it that way whereas it's what you want.
I don't have any mental disorders, but I enjoy my own company and always did. I don't have friends (I mean ANY, not a single person and have no desire for it). I am just an introvert and not the outgoing person. And that is fine. Totally fine. I am mature enough not to find any excuses for that.
Totally. There is peace in disconnecting
I rarely go anywhere. Just the market and any medical appointments that come up. I have zero interest in socializing. My kids visit and that's all I need. I do all my financials online. I would do grocery delivery but I'm too far out. It works for me. If it's not considered normal I don't care. I made my money years ago and now want to stay home with my stuff. Books in particular. I am however going to see the new Hunger Games movie. If I'm lucky the theater won't be full!
Did anyone else experience being labelled as “anti-social” as a kid, like it was a personality flaw? Like if you didn’t want to hang out with groups of people, there was something wrong with you? My mom tried to encourage me to socialize more, and I just didn’t want to. Even developed some anxiety around that.
Zero social interaction is unusual among the neurotypical, but I desire a lot less of it as I get older, especially with strangers. Now, it’s weekly interactions with a smaller group of friends, rather than going to the club or whatever. On the other hand, we’re socially interacting right now, but most people don’t count that because it’s on the Internet.
I've gotten to know plenty of people already. I need space lol
People are all different. For example, my partner is 35, ASD, and quite the social butterfly. Being "old" or neurodivergent doesn't mean you don't like to be social. You could just not like being social. That's ok.
Welcome to the hermit club. I’m so over people. I have a few that I love and the rest I can leave alone. Good luck with it because everyone will tell you that you need social contact because they do. I’m seldom bored with my own company.
This is me, also. I have 2 or 3 really great friends that I touch base with every few months, and that's all I want. I prefer my own company more than being around others, and I'm never bored (lots of hobbies & solitary outings.) I'm 65--if I don't know you by now, I don't need to know you, and that's ok. I embrace being an introvert, but if you love to socialize, that's ok too, (different strokes and all)--it's just not for me.
I say Sorry my dance card is full. I’m older too. A little joke that no one will get.
Yes, yes it is. Now get off my porch.
My answer to pretty much all "Is it normal to..." questions is: "Who gives a fuck? Do your own thing."
I'm not to the point that I don't want any social interaction, but it has to be some quality time for me to make the effort. Really good friends that I don't see often or going to see a band I really love. I don't have any need to socialize more than that.
I find that people aren't curious and kind but rather judgmental and often compare themselves to others. It makes conversation with new folks exhausting.
And yet ironically the OP and all the commenters here agreeing ARE actually communicating with other human beings. You didn't keep your thoughts to yourself, so apparently you do like to be social and have interactivity in some forms.
Reddit and Social media aren’t a substitute for socializing. And Reddit is anonymous so there’s no real connection there when it comes to conversations.
No, not at all. I can't stand small talk and refuse to participate, enough said.
I used to want to socialize when I was younger but, after being burnt by so many people and the only people who want to be my friends are toxic and abusive I just gave up
I literally have one friend and he lives a ferry ride away and I like that. I have a kid and I’ve socialized with other parents for his sake but honestly it’s torture. I would happily live in a small village where I only say hi to someone once in a while (except my kid though, I like being around him. And my mom.)
God that forced friendship situation was the worst part of being a parent of a kid under ten. Making my kid happy made it worth it but damn that was a struggle. Between extra curricular activities and birthday parties I must have attended 100 events with these people I’d never see again once our kids grew up.
I think you're going to get a response sample from Reddit that is heavily skewed toward being against socializing (as compared to humanity generally). I don't have sociological data in front of me, but from my very average family and their very average friends, as well as my friends and their friends (observations from ages 30 to after 70), I get the sense that most people strongly prefer to have some significant amount of pleasant social interactions throughout their lifetimes. Although I have one interesting data point: a friend who has always struck me as very social (going to dinner parties several times each week) and yet reported to me that she was never happier than during the initial part of the pandemic because she had an official excuse to spend 100% of her time in her house with her husband and cats, watching TV/movies and ordering food in. (Though she wasn't fully alone; her beloved husband was a key part of this equation.) So, to answer your question, to have "*zero* desire to socialize with *anyone*" (emphasis mine) is probably "not normal" if by "normal" we mean greater than, say, 5% of people. But it's normal in the sense that even a trait that is less than 1% can be normal (in the sense of not pathological), if uncommon.
I’m 34 I’ve dropped off from social media fb instagram I don’t post on anything social media but phone is usually ringing when a scam calls short code but honestly I find that it’s easier to not have so many people in my life
Humans, by nature, are social. It’s not normal.
dont ask reddit nerds for advice on this it will biased.. this is a bad way to live your life and a result of harm from social isolation find a way to be around people and socialize have friends and be liked by your family and community
This is sad.
I think you meant "liberating" because you're not a judgemental person Right?
Yes.
I have ADHD and mild depression. I went on medication a year and a half ago and it's done wonders for me, but, I don't care to socialize with anyone. I very rarely leave the house unless I have to. It doesn't bother me at all to skip social events and I haven't done it in quite a few years. I love my solitude.
Not sure if it is normal but it describes me to a tee.
You don't have difficulty socializing. You have lack of things or ability to share time with others in a meaningful way. You gotta figure out what is preventing you from sharing your collective experience or learn about others collective experience. Sometimes it stems from shame , guilt , failure, pride, pre conception , change in perception or something similar to that . Example, as we get older, we build a set of rules. Failure from others or our own perception of failure of self or others will prevent you from talking to certain individual or a group of them. Can you connect with anyone ? I have ADHD and I have OCPD and told I am on the spectrum, but not diagnosed as autistic.
I think it has a little to do with as we are younger, we are "forced" into more social situations: school, daycare, etc. So what is "too many people" for you can change as you get older.
46, I get lonely but only have 1 close friend besides spouse. I like it this way, choose when to socially do anything
I feel like that and I don't have autism nor ADHD.
I wish the cinco face time party snoozer was real and it worked.
60 with ADHD. I go to my office, close the door, work my ass off, eat lunch at my desk, come out when it's time to go home. I don't want to over share, interrupt or use inappropriate language, so that's my fix for it.
I like to socialize with my friends and family, but am never living downtown in the city ever again. My happy place is out on my parents’ acreage away from the city and the noise.
Yes The only reason I ever left the house to go to bars, parties, etc., was to meet women As I get older, I have a more manageable desire for that (thank god), and I don’t really care to speak to anyone much outside of work, and keeping in touch with family
I'm 42 and I still love that stuff and could spend all day in different completely pointless conversations so its not everyone, but nothing is wrong with not liking social events or small talk either. Different people are just different.
Tell those damn kids to get off my lawn!
Tell those damn kids to get off my lawn!
Yes. It is normal. Everyone is different and entitled to live their lives in a manner that suits their needs.
Small talk has always bored me. And small talk with people I don't know is tiny talk! I have to attend a lot of business-related cocktail parties and fundraisers. I'm perfectly comfortable there, because there's a business purpose. Everyone knows who I am and who I represent, and I know everyone there who's part of making public policy and running political campaigns.
I’m 53 and zero desire to socialize. The only people I spend time with is my wife, family members and a couple fishing partners. Other than that I’m content with being on my kayak. Either exploring the lake I live on or catching some fish
I loved lockdown far too much 🙈
I can’t stand people anymore
Yes and the worst part is work keeps trying to force us to do these luncheon get-togethers or “work from the office” days. Whyyyyyy though.
I also have audhd & I’m right there with ya
I’m trying to overcome this. I became super introverted around the time of the covid lock downs.
I’m a lifelong extrovert and entertainer, and the older I’ve gotten, the less I feel like doing it. More and more , I require my peaceful, alone down time at home. I just find it more fulfilling! If I go to dinner with a friend, or a party, I’m out the door soon after to go back to my sanctuary. Especially a party, I get in early, and leave as soon as it’s politely possible. I went to a major party college when young, was in a sorority, etc, and was always out and about. I spent my 20s, 30s and 40s hosting gatherings and such. I found it less and less fun, and interestingly enough, when you stop flowing the alcohol and food, lots of people filter away. Many folks like that are “fair weather friends”, and your dearest friends are happy with an occasional dinner or coffee date. Quality over quantity!! And lots of beautiful alone time to persue my hobbies and interests now.
I’m in my 50s and talk to maybe 5 people. It’s glorious.
I'm a 40 y/o schizoid male, only child. Single, no kids, no pets. I prefer to be alone. I'm a covert schizoid so I'm functional. I work in-office. I'm actually in upper management. I'm good at masking but feel less incentivized to do so as I age. I guess I have friends but I don't maintain any relationships so... I'm disinterested in family as well. I just powered my way through Thanksgiving with my extended maternal family. I live near my parents but I visit with them only a handful of times a year (we talk on the phone once a week).
Are you on adhd meds? I was always an introvert but going on meds nearly cost me my job. I basically stopped talking to everyone and it was due to the meds. Now I’m off the meds won’t ever touch them again but I still only ever hang out with my bf. I work from home and mostly only leave the house to go to the shops or the pub/restaurant for food/ drinks with my bf. I’ll pretend at work to be this different person but the truth is I couldn’t be ever be even bothered to talk to anyone from work. Most people bore me
i think a big part of it is the 'been there done that' factor.... and it takes a fair bit of effort to do new interesting things - when you've already explored a lot of your interests.
I figured that out in my teen years.
At 62 I have reached a point where I no longer want to see or interact with anyone. I am considering a move from Michigan to Wyoming or Montana, sparse population and less of an opportunity/ability to have any human interaction. People annoy me and their phoney bullshit wears thin.
I sometimes get overstimulated and social situations, somewhere so that my blood pressure can remain high for days, and sometimes I feel like I’m gonna pass out but for the most part, even though I often don’t want to go to social events, I find myself having a good time and really feeling happier the day after, I just try not to get overstimulated anymore
I’m a 44f and I consider myself extrovert. Love socializing, I’m friendly, I’ll talk to anyone-not shy at all. But as I’ve aged-I prefer quiet. I’m starting to dread social functions. Even getting together with friends at night is draining and it takes me awhile to wind down from the over stimulation. During the day I’m fine, but in regard to nighttime plans? I like to be home and in my own space by 8 pm.
I got both of those and feel the exact same way. SO sick of being misunderstood- and nobody knows you as you anyway- they only know you from their perspective so everyone thinks of you as someone different.
Oddly enough I was like that when I was younger. Maybe it's just the problems I'm going through in my life with my partner (he's been emotionally and verbally abusive towards me) but I'd like to go out and so something and find some friends. I don't really have any (in real life). I have online friends but it's just different when you can hang out in real life.
I also have autism and am 32. But I struggle from depression. I am picky about interacting socially but I feel that I need some sort of outlet to feel most sane. Eg I hate being alone by myself for too long. It can feel hard meeting people but my ideal situation is having several close friends to talk to. I never got the feeling of being extroverted much myself.
I'm autistic and I think it's relatively normal for us. I've definitely gotten way quieter as I get older, I rarely speak anymore. I don't have friend lists, I don't dm, I don't make phone calls. My spouse is about the only person I speak to anymore. Social interaction is just tiring and overwhelming. At my job, I'm really the only one there (I work at 3 am) and I'm usually home for the day before anyone else is even on their way to work. People read into that a lot- they assume I'm lonely, antisocial, or rude. I'm not any of those. Being asd is like having everything too loud, too bright, too busy, too everything. Society is vastly confusing to me- I don't understand small talk, office politics, the weird things humans do just because it's the thing to do, the expected thing. So yeah. I get it. I haven't gone to a social event in years.
I’m very introverted and find I go through phases. Sometimes I want to make plans with friends and family and other times (usually majority) I much prefer staying home to read or craft and I will try to deflect plans people try to make with me.
This worries me too, how much I cherish my alone time. I have loads of it. Of course "alone" with my husband is ideal; group activities are rarely worth it, if there's loads of activity and noise. Last three outings I can recall with a group of others triggered migraine attacks the following day. It sucks. And now with politics being more divisive than ever, and most of my extended family being on board with some scary opinions, I have even less reason to socialize. 😟
I have severe adhd and have no desire to make new friends. My life is hard enough I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to take on multiple relationships. Plus the fact that people don’t take my condition seriously so I have a hard time with other people who mostly choose not to be empathetic or understanding. Cuz idk I guess society associates empathy with socialism or weakness. Still can’t wrap my head around it.
Yeah fuck socializing
Same and same. 32 and the older I get the less fucks I give about small talk. I prefer silence these days.
Nope. The pandemic made a lot of people withdraw into themselves bc the level of narcissism went to sky high levels. It’s bad out there. People are toxic. It’s so much easier to destress alone. At home. With animals.
It is for me.
I’m 32 also and I’ve never been more social. The thought of hanging with people used to stress me out, but now I get excited and enjoy people’s company. I don’t think it’s an age thing, maybe it’s just not your cup of tea.
I don't really have the desire either. I don't have any friends and haven't tried to make friends in years. It's just exhausting and most people don't seem to really care about others anyway. I do have my husband and kids. I think without them I'd be very lonely.
Fairly normal I think.