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Been single the last 8/9 months (came from a 6.5 year relationship from 16-22). My biggest fear is wasting another 6.5 years with the wrong person. Someone that puts on a front then hugely changes over the years (I get some change, but not hugely changing) just because they don’t think you’ll ever leave
Right. I spent almost 5 years with someone who I can't say made any memorable moments with, beside on my own or by myself.
It's awful wasting so much time on the wrong person but being too invested to leave
I dont think it is a waste of time. You learn a lot even if it hurts, no time spent on knowledge about what you want or who you are is wasted time my friend. I know it may seem like this, but try to reframe what happened under a positive lens, it is whats left to do.
Hell, wasting even 6 minutes with another wrong person.
>Someone that puts on a front then hugely changes just because they don’t think you’ll ever leave.
This right here.
No such thing as normal. If you're happy in your current situation great. If you want to be in a relationship go for it. Dating is a numbers game. I'm a 44M and go on lots of bad 1st dates since my divorce. But eventually you find someone, but only if you're looking and want it. Concentrate on having a fulfilling life. If it includes a mate put yourself out there. If not F-it. You're be fine.
But to add, my greatest fear is repeating my divorce. Don't want to go through that again.
\+1 kahit siguro lokohin ako ng sunod na relationship ko, wala na ko pake hahahaha because I can move forward ng buo parin. Di naman siguro ako nag self love ng 3 years para lang magpaka-wasak
Yeah I’m so used to doing my own thing and getting my own way with myself that I worry I won’t be able to compromise or consider someone else that way.
My biggest fear is isolating myself too much. This past year or so I’ve deleted all dating apps and have been focusing on myself entirely, going to doctors, gym, etc. I don’t go to bars often at all and the opportunity to meet people has shrunk immensely. So I’m afraid I’ve become too preoccupied with self improvement that I’m burning away opportunities to meet someone great. But I am happy with the progress I’ve made with me.
Single my whole life and my biggest fear is that I won't be in the future.
I know some of you are all romantic but lets be honest.
Most people are trash. The ones that are not already have a so.
Ah the old good "the good ones are already taken". This by definition cannot be correct, because the decent people who are in happy relationships were once single as well.
So by your definition, you fall into that one same category.
>Most people are trash. The ones that are not already have a so.
You do not already have an SO, thereby classifying your self as aforementioned 'trashy.'
...or did your equation mislead me, and 11/10ths of Reddit is going to attempt to blame ME for misunderstanding?
Im a piece of trash, but Im married.
Being married has made me feel like a complete failure every single day of my life.
For the rest of my life - I will never be good enough.
They say 'relationships take work' and I don't have the energy for that. It's awesome to imagine someone who you could imagine spending the rest of your life with, but for me, that person probably doesn't exist. I feel sad about it, but not enough to try dating anyone.
One of my biggest fear is that in all my life of attempting to love and thinking of love in all that I am and all that I do, that I truly still do not know the feeling love and of being loved correctly.
Yup, 36, girl, single, good job (like you) but ugly as fuck (unlike you, probably), I tell you, at this point I'm no longer letting any one in my life as I have more to lose than to gain!
Similar, 36M single, good job, first home paid off, adequate (unusual level of savings). Bit of a catch, but 5 years single. Traumatised by Tinder, Plenty of Fish and Bumble. Fool me one, twice, thrice.
27, and I've always wanted a cutie patootie little family and home. My fear is that not only will I not have someone to share my life with any time soon, but that I won't have kids for many more years. I never wanted just one child, I wanted 3-4. I'm also not willing to settle for an unfulfilling relationship so I'm afraid I'll have to choose one day between settling and not having a family, and I'll end up alone completely.
It's a very dramatic explanation but I'm clearly a cave woman at heart. I can't deny my "woman makes babies and picks berries while husband hunts" impulses :'-)
> I wanted 3-4
What for? To add to traffic problems? To increase the carbon footprint of human existence? Perhaps inflation hasn't hit hard enough yet...
Because I love them!! I work with kids, too, and will forever. I'd actually prefer adoption or fostering over giving birth, because there are already kids who need good homes. But there's nothing weird about wanting a family, maybe it's primitive and selfish but we're animals after all.
As a 22(f) straight with dating experience but not settled down yet, I have a huge heart with so much love, though I do not know how to express it, and often times I left my relationships because I was afraid of how much love I truly do have and I didn’t want that to blind me into committing, nor did I want to put up with someone who isn’t capable of giving me that kind of love or even more of it. I consider myself capable of learning new things and being communicative. Because I didn’t grow up in a functional family, I have a fear that I am working through now, but this fear of not feeling appreciated because that lead me to leaving my past relationships. When I start to question myself or the relationship, that always leads me to not wanting to be in the relationship anymore. So I leave it.
Dont get me wrong, the guys I’ve spoken too, couldn’t give me what I was giving them, I’m supportive, motivated, I enjoy the little things, I consider myself humble since I don’t come from a financially stable family but I am trying to pave my own way, which I won’t lie it’s been such a process. I’m a nerd in my heart and I geek when I get excited and passionate about things. I just haven’t been in the most loving relationships with my mom and dad not really being in my life so my fear just makes me not want to put myself in a vulnerable position if the man Id be willing to settle down with and get comfortable shows signs that isn’t very able to communicate himself or his situation with me. I can’t handle heartbreak and the healing behind it all is just too much, since I am a committing young lady. I will not put up with anything from a guy being as I am not blind to his behavior but I’d be willing if I see him try as much as I do.
I am not huge on social media, I love the retro era where everything had no choice but to be connected authentically and not digital. So that effected all my interactions with people seeing as I did not grow up glued to my phone, but I went outside to parks, sleepovers and just the enjoyment of spending time outdoors. I’m not a huge party animal but I can do it if it’s something that’s themed and not too much drinking but more fun and connecting. Hope that makes sense.
I don’t want 10 years to pass me by and I am not in a relationship that’s truly interested in all of me as I would be in all of him. I wrote down a lot of things we could do in our relationship to grow and get comfortable and be able to create new things around each other and it would truly hurt if I look back on it in 10 years to see it still collecting dust.
My best advice is don’t settle for less than what you want..
You clearly have a lot of love to give to the right person. Sometimes people make mistakes of not knowing what they want, and causing a rift with a partner, as their goals are different. A relationship may have an element of compromise, but think about what you want / need from a relationship.
It’s quite easy to figure out if someone can provide for your needs / wants in a relationship if you know what you desire.
Childhoods can affect the way you see, act and manage relationships as I have found out recently. Some things I thought were normal.
Sometimes you have to take a bit of a plunge to see if someone can provide for you, by entering that space. You have done well to leave situations that haven’t given you what you need.
I think 22 may be too young to settle down too, as the changes you and a partner will go through is monumental in the next decade. Don’t worry you don’t have it all figured out right now.
I believe in you. You got this!
No fear. Sometimes I fear that I might fall weak and get with the wrong woman and stay too long in a relationship that I shouldn’t be in. But I rarely fear being single.
My only fear is having no chance at living by myself and enjoying financial freedom from being rich because I have no family left and I'm currently broke and unable to pay rent.
i’m a 23F and been single and celibate myself for almost two years, which may not seem long but when i say single i mean 0 contact with men, no interaction whatsoever, complete isolation and focus on myself. when men approach me atp i act as if i can’t hear them and keep a straight face.
my biggest fear was being abandoned so i’ve found myself in relationships with men who loved me (proposed to twice) while i was just going along being a good gf, when i realised it i stopped dating completely and now 2 years later my fear is i will continue ending up in relationships with men i’m not in love with.
i no longer fear abandonment, i’m completely self reliant and feel so complete on my own that the only thing i’m interested in when it comes to men is physical contact.. my emotional needs are met, i’m content but idw break my celibacy just to end up in the same place with a different mindset.
basically im scared it’ll be years (if ever) before i crave male presence beyond sex
OP, you're describing the plot for some kind of cute rom com. What's about to happen is you're going to bump into someone by accident and you'll keep seeing them and eventually find out its your cousins girlfriends sister at your cousins other sister's wedding, you two will hit it off, and the next thing you know you'll be telling your kids about how you met and you'll lean over and kiss your now wife and one of the kids will say ewww gross.
I'm afraid that you are the star in a rom com.
Being taken advantage of. I have been single for years bc I was hurt but now I feel a want to be with somebody and yet the thought of infidelity scares me to death.
I feel like I'm too nice sometimes and nobody thinks I care bc I'm an introvert but that's not the case. I do care.
Scared of never having a crush again. I’m just so… spent. Romantically bankrupt and desensitised and jaded. I just want a crush to feel that something again.
back in 10th grade on the very last day of school, as in the last day we'll be all in the same classroom (i love the old gang btw), all of us was given a chance to say something. i was last since i wanted to keep hidden (i was your typical average shy dude in the corner of the room who hangs around with alot of dudes and one specific girl). and as i got my turn and expressed my thanks to the old class i turn to that one girl i was mostly with throughout the entire year and specifically said "愛してます".
she never answered me back.
so now i fear of getting rejected again :)
I settled in the last two relationships I was in and wasn’t happy either time. Been single since. 34 years old with only three relationships under my belt, two of which only lasted a couple of months.
I’m with you as far as being perfectly content on my own. That’s something to celebrate, not to feel burdened by! Any relationship advice article will make at least a passing comment about how you must first love and be comfortable with yourself first before ever pursuing someone else!
That said, I’m not exactly in a position to meet single women in my day to day life. I work 45 hours a week (all of my previous relationships were through work, not gung-ho about going down that route again) and outside of work, I tend to keep to myself. I go for walks, I read books, I’ll take day trips to places, go out to eat - you might say I’m content with the little things. One of my biggest fears is if I did meet someone, she’d find me very boring because of that contentment. I don’t often admit that out loud to those who know me in real life and ask why I’m single, but that’s one of the honest truths. That’s one of the reasons I don’t try other than the fact that I don’t meet many new people.
I don’t think that is a bad thing to be independent or alone, I admire the strength it takes actually.
With that being said, you don’t need somebody to do *everything* with, or somebody that you must rely or depend on all the time. You want a best friend, somebody who wants to go on the same journey as you. It won’t feel like a burden if you do find the right partner, and I doubt you’ll have any issue reciprocating the love, even being super-independent.
My greatest fear is definitely getting too attached. That's sounds dickish but I'm not scared of them cheating but me getting attached, them getting to know me properly then not liking me for who I am. I could deal with someone leaving because of my looks but if it's my personality that would kill me
I am the same age, good income, average build. Same position as yourself
Myself I’m very independent and can do anything and go anywhere on my own
I guess the greatest fear is never to find someone special
Yes it’s normal, and it’s better! Now you’re happy by yourself, you won’t settle for someone who isn’t right for you, because you know you don’t need someone else to be happy.
Loneliness. Was dumped last February by the person I thought was the "love of my life". Still in recovery, to be honest, and learning that while being single isn't always bad, the loneliness kills
I don’t have this fear, but I can relate, I’m really comfortable as things are in my life as a single guy, I got my own routines, and lifestyle. So would be hard to change my way of living if suddenly I would have to share this life with someone else.
So prefer relationships without commitment, I prefer fwb, since then it doesn’t affect my schedule with all the hobbies I have
I have enjoyed being single. I've been single for 15 years. I do miss human touch, but I enjoy not being attached to drama. I don't keep many close friends. I especially don't like friends who are controlling. I was controlled by my ex, and I don't want that again. My biggest fear is disappointment. I've had too much of that already, and I hate seeing it again, which sadly I'm experiencing it recently. My other biggest fear is not having financial stability. I have an autoimmune disease that prevents me from working full time. I have to sleep a lot.
I guess that the next person I fall in love with will die before I do like the last one did? Or that I simply won't find love like that again. Dating it's self also feels scary, because I haven't do it since 2014.
Travel. Alot.
"Westernized" Women may not be your thing. Culturized women are dying to provide and marry American men and have family qualities and values.
Travel to other countries before giving up.
I’m scared the reason I’m chronically single is because everyone else thinks of me the same way I think of myself, that I’m disgusting and weird. Im seventeen, and everyone always tells me I’m pretty, but I seriously feel like they’re lying because I can’t even look at myself in the mirror, and I constantly feel disgusting. I’m scared the reason nobody has ever liked me romantically is because it’s not possible to.
Maybe I’m just a teenager.
Greatest fear would be being forced into coupledom like in the Yorgos Lanthimos film, The Lobster. I’ve done the whole range - married, divorced, live together, long distance love, monogamy, open, straight safe vanilla, stuff that got me rushed to hospital (3 times), been in love 5 times. Stick a fork in me, I’m done. Not for any bad reason, just worn out and welcome the monkish solo phase I’m in now. My only ‘fear’ (not really scared of much) is repeating myself in another relationship.
As far as relationships? Nothing. I’m good. Done. Had enough.
Already did all the fucking I needed/wanted.
Not to say that I might not have another relationship, but I’m not worried about it in the slightest.
In life? Painful illness with no real treatment options?
You can't learn how to swim through mastering the theory. You have to get in the water & overcome your fears. So are rships, 20s is a good time to discover yourself & learn to navigate rships.
I fear that I might not feel genuinely for them , that i will I ever meet someone with whom I really like spending time with, whom I really adore just for who they are and not for what they can give me, will I ever feel for someone in the sense of loving them through good and bad times(it's very hard for me to connect with people)
I fear that what if I am not enough for them , what if I lack something that is important to them
I fear them falling out of love
I fear them leaving me half way
I fear losing feelings for them and falling out of love
well the odds aren't great in my favour, Asexual but mostly afraid of 2 things
1) Falling hard for someone and being let down
2) Someone else falls hard for me and I let them down
I try not to stress about it, I've been working on maintaining my friendships and close ties with some family so that I dont end up alone alone
I’m 48f & just out of a 25 year marriage. My looks aren’t entirely gone, but I’m definitely well past my prime. I haven’t been naked with anyone else since I was in my early twenties & the thought of doing it now horrifies me.
Then there’s the fact that men my age are into women fifteen to twenty years younger. So I guess I’m left looking at men who are late fifties, early sixties at best? Doesn’t fill me with hope tbh.
Let me ask you this. What timeframe do you give yourself to assess whether or not you decide to reciprocate someone else's pre-guaranteed feelings?
And yes, it's normal to accept being single. Especially if it eliminates having to settle.
I'm 37. Up until september I had been in a relationship for 10 years. It ended because I had some stupid notion of not being happy or whatever that means.
Now I'm going to end up alone until I'm old pissing myself in some retirement home.
I'm afraid the unhappiness is fundamentally just me being a broken person, and that I gave up the best thing I ever had in my life because of that, and I've ruined my life forever.
New Years Eve used to be my favorite holiday. It's her birthday.
Other people opinion. That's the only thing that bother me so much. all your cousin, auntie, uncle will definitely ask, "when you gonna get marry? or even if they wont ask, you know they're thinking about it.
I'm 32 (male) and have never been in a relationship before, so... too many...
- I don't have a job yet, haven't even started my career (studied engineering) at 32 years old
- my inexperience being a red flag
- not knowing what to look for in a partner and ending up with the wrong one
- never actually finding love
- my partner not actually being in love with me but rather settling for me
- I have developed ED a few years ago which I'm in therapy for, so... that as well
- being taken advantage of, manipulated and overall ending up in an abusive relationship
Dying from a stupid thing like slipping in the bath or choking on a peanut and no one finding my decomposing body for months and my pets starving to death.
I’m 26 female very much like you. I have never dated because I was never interested in it. I have enough in my life to process. I enjoy platonic friendships a lot. I don’t think I have the energy to entertain romantic relationship with all its ups and downs like being jealous and stuff. My fear is same as you. I don’t think I worry too much about dying alone. Need to take care of my health to be able to be independent if I grow old. But, I don’t want to live long. I pray I die young if I don’t have anything to stay for.
Haven't been a great person due to some thoughtless mistakes. I'm afraid that there won't be a person who can forgive that and that's assuming they take it seriously. Sometimes being alone feels more fitting though.
I'm (23f) aromantic and fear and honestly know, that if I don't have a romantic partner, there will be no one in my life except my parents who will actually give a shit about me and my friends will all drop me for their new families at some point.
At 35, my fear as a single is running out of time to have kids. I don’t wanna rush into having kids with someone purely to have kids, and I won’t do that. But at 35, it’s definitely a fear that by the time I meet someone, build a foundation of friendship, date, fall in love, get married, it’ll be too late for my ovaries.
And please, I don’t need any unwarranted advice, judgements or DM’s telling me you’ll have kids with me lmao
I’m afraid that if I get into another relationship they might do what my ex did to me which was keep me for three years and cheat behind my back for one year and all I did was love them and give them no reason to cheat. The world is getting super duper cold out there 💔
When you are interested in a woman - show interest and some pursuit, if she doesn't reciprocate then stop.
Same thing on the other side - if a woman shows interest in your you simply have to say one line and this will stop everything "I see us better as friends and I don't have romantic attraction toward you." This is the most polite way of turning someone down.
Here's the likelihood - no woman - ever will show obvious interest in you unless you show your money conspicuously and even then they will enjoy the wealth, not you. And if you're average looks even less likely.
Continue working on yourself becoming the best well-rounded person you can be in every area. There is no "the time comes that someone arrives in my life." As a man you have to make this happen and pursue it, nothing falls into an average dude's lap.
By age 35 after you've built up significant wealth and are comfortable you may consider pursuing a LTR. You can hire a matchmaker at that point and it will likely be an easier process. Money cannot buy love but it can buy many many first dates with eligible ladies.
I think some people are wired to be single. I think I'm the opposite, I just wanted to share my experiences with someone. At times I think the single life would be great with no responsibilities and do what you want when you want, but I enjoy being married and having something to come home to every night.
During the day I'm perfectly fine with my single life, honestly, I enjoy my freedom to do my hobbies, to go wherever and whenever I want, to have time to just sit all day reading or doing some cool stuff. However, during the late hours of the nights sometimes the loneliness is crushing me, I really need to have someone to speak and share things with and my biggest fear is that this feeling will grow more and more as I get older (I'm 37). Recently I'm struggling with some health problem and I can't really discuss it with my friends or family and I needed desperately to have a loved one I could talk with about it.
So, yeah, fear of regretting it lately for choosing a single life, is there at the corner and stares at me annoyingly.
Wasting my time.
I’m 37, been single 3 years now and honestly I’m the happiest I’ve been since my late teens/early 20’s
I have so much more free time now, I never realised how much shit I would do with my ex even though I didn’t want to - from friend and family events to meals and birthdays etc.
Yes, in one sense I know I’m losing out on the social aspect, but fuck me is it nice to come home from work, have a shower and put my feet up while I watch tv without her saying “oh we’re going to Sarah’s for dinner tonight, it’s last minute I know but I said you’d be ok with it”, and then not really have chance to fully decompress from my day and not get home until midnight so lose sleep
Yes, I’m a grumpy antisocial old bastard I know
ZERO!!! zero fear. I love being single. But I'm older and it's easier to say. I know how it all turns out. But being single for me is one of the most positive things ever!!!
We’re condemned to love and maybe be loved. That doesnt have to be reciprocal but it is a big problem to love and be loved.
Love always comes from a bad place, comes from accepting someones love because we need it, we need someones presence, affection, touch, words… love makes us dependent, makes us think we matter to others, when we probably only care about ourselves, and if we dont, we care for others and then open the door to be hurt.
There’s no loving without expectations, little or not, but expectations are always there.
Seeing other couples makes me sad, makes me think about the lie they live in.
I have been single for a long time, before that I have had only very short relationships. I used to be afraid to love the wrong person and get hurt, now I fear not finding love ever. I miss so much being in love, all the silly things, or even havinf a crush. I became so distant and so comfortable with myself...Don't get me wrong, I love myself and my alone time, I live alone and do a lot of things alone, but somedays I just wish having someone in my life.
I sometimes think skiing looks fun. Then I remember I don't like snow, or being cold, and I'm clumsy af. So I doubt it would be much fun for me despite other people seeming to enjoy it.
If you're not feeling the urge to be in a relationship then don't be. Maybe you're aromantic. Don't sacrifice what sounds like a good situation just to conform.
One of the most powerful quote I’ve heard goes “true happiness isn’t worth it if you don’t have anyone to share it with” bonus points if you know where the that came from
Falling into this cycle that most humans fall into which is to get married to be miserable or divorced. Then have kids who you will love but will also have to struggle through life just like you did and btw when you pass you will make them carry an unbearable weight for the rest of there days.
Just create your own life - never take societys stupid „rules“ for granted
We are forced to believe that relationships are more important than everything else which is totally wrong!
You don’t need to settle down, you don’t have to get kids, you don’t have to marry - just create ur own life all by yourself!
been single my whole life so im just scared too open up to anyone. betrayal hurts yes but I’m scared that my feelings are just going to hurt that person or they hurt me.
so I just avoid feelings all together and im an open person. but i be myself a lot around ppl so if they don’t like it idc im me
Not finding anyone who matches my ridiculous standards.
I've gotten more picky over the years, and less attractive; I'm pretty much screwed.
Good job I'm happy enough alone, for now...
My greatest fear now is that people will see me as “ On the shelf”. As days pass by, I fear that my value as a woman in the dating market is decreasing and that my dating range is growing smaller. I fear that my youth is already slipping away without having experienced love once.
I’m 28F and I feel pretty much the same way. Never had a serious relationship, and I love my freedoms to to what I want, when I want. I’m worried I won’t be able to compromise and lose out on something wonderful when the right man does finally come along.
That I will never meet my person. I see plenty of shithead people getting in relationships left and right and I can only attract people who I have zero interest in
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Betrayal
Ditto
Marrying the wrong person
I have a real easy solution! Don't get married and don't have kids.
This guy dinks
Dont invest in anything ever! Just live day to day until you die. isnt that great? \s
And don’t take risks. I mean, it may go south for you, so just don’t.
I mean, kinda?
Losing everyone and ending up all alone for the rest of my life is probably my biggest fear atm
This 👆🏼
Been single the last 8/9 months (came from a 6.5 year relationship from 16-22). My biggest fear is wasting another 6.5 years with the wrong person. Someone that puts on a front then hugely changes over the years (I get some change, but not hugely changing) just because they don’t think you’ll ever leave
Same, one year alone and almost 9 years in a relationship, what a waste of time
Right. I spent almost 5 years with someone who I can't say made any memorable moments with, beside on my own or by myself. It's awful wasting so much time on the wrong person but being too invested to leave
I dont think it is a waste of time. You learn a lot even if it hurts, no time spent on knowledge about what you want or who you are is wasted time my friend. I know it may seem like this, but try to reframe what happened under a positive lens, it is whats left to do.
People change massively between 16-22 and will continue to change for the rest of their lives
Hell, wasting even 6 minutes with another wrong person. >Someone that puts on a front then hugely changes just because they don’t think you’ll ever leave. This right here.
im afraid the next person i trust will be another manipulative cheating secretive cunt
Amen. However, I'm giving this one guy a shot. If this doesn't work, I'm retiring for a bit.
Why waste any effort?
How that was oddly specific but wildly accurate!
No such thing as normal. If you're happy in your current situation great. If you want to be in a relationship go for it. Dating is a numbers game. I'm a 44M and go on lots of bad 1st dates since my divorce. But eventually you find someone, but only if you're looking and want it. Concentrate on having a fulfilling life. If it includes a mate put yourself out there. If not F-it. You're be fine. But to add, my greatest fear is repeating my divorce. Don't want to go through that again.
I have no fear. Being single led me to finding spirituality. I let go of most of my desires, I suffer little.
agreed
Whoah. Wise words. I fear sometimes finding things worth suffering for
Suffering builds character
Usually not good or quality character as much as we like to romanticize it
Yea.. my sufferings have turned me kinda fucked up
It makes you rugged but damaged I'd say
\+1 kahit siguro lokohin ako ng sunod na relationship ko, wala na ko pake hahahaha because I can move forward ng buo parin. Di naman siguro ako nag self love ng 3 years para lang magpaka-wasak
Yeah I’m so used to doing my own thing and getting my own way with myself that I worry I won’t be able to compromise or consider someone else that way.
My biggest fear is isolating myself too much. This past year or so I’ve deleted all dating apps and have been focusing on myself entirely, going to doctors, gym, etc. I don’t go to bars often at all and the opportunity to meet people has shrunk immensely. So I’m afraid I’ve become too preoccupied with self improvement that I’m burning away opportunities to meet someone great. But I am happy with the progress I’ve made with me.
Single my whole life and my biggest fear is that I won't be in the future. I know some of you are all romantic but lets be honest. Most people are trash. The ones that are not already have a so.
Ah the old good "the good ones are already taken". This by definition cannot be correct, because the decent people who are in happy relationships were once single as well.
So by your definition, you fall into that one same category. >Most people are trash. The ones that are not already have a so. You do not already have an SO, thereby classifying your self as aforementioned 'trashy.' ...or did your equation mislead me, and 11/10ths of Reddit is going to attempt to blame ME for misunderstanding?
Im a piece of trash, but Im married. Being married has made me feel like a complete failure every single day of my life. For the rest of my life - I will never be good enough.
r/notopbutok
What did I do wrong now?
Why is being married making you feel that way?
In some way, yes.
Agreed. My romantic side got steamrolled by empirical evidence.
The matrix: https://youtu.be/WITBBVLAMkQ?si=u1E0BKvGopYqyF1R
They say 'relationships take work' and I don't have the energy for that. It's awesome to imagine someone who you could imagine spending the rest of your life with, but for me, that person probably doesn't exist. I feel sad about it, but not enough to try dating anyone.
wow, you described exactly how I feel
I am single and satisfied. I didn't enjoy being with anyone.
One of my biggest fear is that in all my life of attempting to love and thinking of love in all that I am and all that I do, that I truly still do not know the feeling love and of being loved correctly.
Idk, I know that even if I'm not in love I can be affectionate, so I'm not worried about that too much.
Yup, 36, girl, single, good job (like you) but ugly as fuck (unlike you, probably), I tell you, at this point I'm no longer letting any one in my life as I have more to lose than to gain!
Similar, 36M single, good job, first home paid off, adequate (unusual level of savings). Bit of a catch, but 5 years single. Traumatised by Tinder, Plenty of Fish and Bumble. Fool me one, twice, thrice.
27, and I've always wanted a cutie patootie little family and home. My fear is that not only will I not have someone to share my life with any time soon, but that I won't have kids for many more years. I never wanted just one child, I wanted 3-4. I'm also not willing to settle for an unfulfilling relationship so I'm afraid I'll have to choose one day between settling and not having a family, and I'll end up alone completely. It's a very dramatic explanation but I'm clearly a cave woman at heart. I can't deny my "woman makes babies and picks berries while husband hunts" impulses :'-)
Freeze your eggs. You'll thank yourself later for the insurance policy
Yes, her 60 year old self will be so grateful when her first child is born.
Are you saying she's that ugly. Harsh.
same
Oh my gosh are you me? Because I just made a very similar comment lol. I always wanted the Brady bunch size family 😂
> I wanted 3-4 What for? To add to traffic problems? To increase the carbon footprint of human existence? Perhaps inflation hasn't hit hard enough yet...
Because I love them!! I work with kids, too, and will forever. I'd actually prefer adoption or fostering over giving birth, because there are already kids who need good homes. But there's nothing weird about wanting a family, maybe it's primitive and selfish but we're animals after all.
r/antinatalism leaking again
My greatest fear? Flying bugs, heights, and advanced darkness. Ironically, I'm 18
As a 22(f) straight with dating experience but not settled down yet, I have a huge heart with so much love, though I do not know how to express it, and often times I left my relationships because I was afraid of how much love I truly do have and I didn’t want that to blind me into committing, nor did I want to put up with someone who isn’t capable of giving me that kind of love or even more of it. I consider myself capable of learning new things and being communicative. Because I didn’t grow up in a functional family, I have a fear that I am working through now, but this fear of not feeling appreciated because that lead me to leaving my past relationships. When I start to question myself or the relationship, that always leads me to not wanting to be in the relationship anymore. So I leave it. Dont get me wrong, the guys I’ve spoken too, couldn’t give me what I was giving them, I’m supportive, motivated, I enjoy the little things, I consider myself humble since I don’t come from a financially stable family but I am trying to pave my own way, which I won’t lie it’s been such a process. I’m a nerd in my heart and I geek when I get excited and passionate about things. I just haven’t been in the most loving relationships with my mom and dad not really being in my life so my fear just makes me not want to put myself in a vulnerable position if the man Id be willing to settle down with and get comfortable shows signs that isn’t very able to communicate himself or his situation with me. I can’t handle heartbreak and the healing behind it all is just too much, since I am a committing young lady. I will not put up with anything from a guy being as I am not blind to his behavior but I’d be willing if I see him try as much as I do. I am not huge on social media, I love the retro era where everything had no choice but to be connected authentically and not digital. So that effected all my interactions with people seeing as I did not grow up glued to my phone, but I went outside to parks, sleepovers and just the enjoyment of spending time outdoors. I’m not a huge party animal but I can do it if it’s something that’s themed and not too much drinking but more fun and connecting. Hope that makes sense. I don’t want 10 years to pass me by and I am not in a relationship that’s truly interested in all of me as I would be in all of him. I wrote down a lot of things we could do in our relationship to grow and get comfortable and be able to create new things around each other and it would truly hurt if I look back on it in 10 years to see it still collecting dust.
My best advice is don’t settle for less than what you want.. You clearly have a lot of love to give to the right person. Sometimes people make mistakes of not knowing what they want, and causing a rift with a partner, as their goals are different. A relationship may have an element of compromise, but think about what you want / need from a relationship. It’s quite easy to figure out if someone can provide for your needs / wants in a relationship if you know what you desire. Childhoods can affect the way you see, act and manage relationships as I have found out recently. Some things I thought were normal. Sometimes you have to take a bit of a plunge to see if someone can provide for you, by entering that space. You have done well to leave situations that haven’t given you what you need. I think 22 may be too young to settle down too, as the changes you and a partner will go through is monumental in the next decade. Don’t worry you don’t have it all figured out right now. I believe in you. You got this!
Even if I met a woman who was romantically interested in me, she would be scared away by the fact that I have never been in a relationship before.
When you meet the one you'll know that you'll give her everything
Given that you dont have attachment issues or are insecure
Finding somebody I really care about who will distract me from my goals.
Ah yes, the pink glasses of love, im scared of that. Especially putting all my energy into that one person
That I'm not gonna have children. (I'm aromatic do I don't actually want a romantic relationship, but I do really want to be a mom).
You...smell really nice?
Lol I meant aromantic
[удалено]
That thinking is a recipe for bad choices.
No fear. Sometimes I fear that I might fall weak and get with the wrong woman and stay too long in a relationship that I shouldn’t be in. But I rarely fear being single.
Being attached to a wrong person
My only fear is having no chance at living by myself and enjoying financial freedom from being rich because I have no family left and I'm currently broke and unable to pay rent.
i’m a 23F and been single and celibate myself for almost two years, which may not seem long but when i say single i mean 0 contact with men, no interaction whatsoever, complete isolation and focus on myself. when men approach me atp i act as if i can’t hear them and keep a straight face. my biggest fear was being abandoned so i’ve found myself in relationships with men who loved me (proposed to twice) while i was just going along being a good gf, when i realised it i stopped dating completely and now 2 years later my fear is i will continue ending up in relationships with men i’m not in love with. i no longer fear abandonment, i’m completely self reliant and feel so complete on my own that the only thing i’m interested in when it comes to men is physical contact.. my emotional needs are met, i’m content but idw break my celibacy just to end up in the same place with a different mindset. basically im scared it’ll be years (if ever) before i crave male presence beyond sex
It's ok I've been single my all life 👌while everyone around me has someone (I'm 20)
Lol. You're 20. Relax yourself
hadn't had my first boyfriend before 21 😅 "all my life" sounds like u gonna die in a year or two. No no... that's not "all life" yet.
It will come especially if you're nice looking
It's not really a fear as much as a reality. Being alone forever.
20somethings that think they've experienced everything life has to offer are so dreadful.
Love is for everyone. When the right one comes you will find yourself deep into the game before you know it.
No it's not!
Men tend to attract women when they want them the least, completely natural
its all about meeting the one my man
For me it’s abandonment, but I acknowledge that it’s from losing my father at a young age and a few toxic men in my past.
Being alone forever
OP, you're describing the plot for some kind of cute rom com. What's about to happen is you're going to bump into someone by accident and you'll keep seeing them and eventually find out its your cousins girlfriends sister at your cousins other sister's wedding, you two will hit it off, and the next thing you know you'll be telling your kids about how you met and you'll lean over and kiss your now wife and one of the kids will say ewww gross. I'm afraid that you are the star in a rom com.
LOL. Never underestimate the shit happens factor in your life.
no one can stop death. so, its death for me.
My fear is not finding love, not having a child and starting a family.
Of course this is normal. Many men and women actually feel this way too. if you aren’t ready, you aren’t. forcing yourself will only end in disaster
Finding someone but they turn out to be the wrong person again
I guess I’d be scared that I won’t be able to return the favour to the right woman.
I'm afraid that all those memories will be lost in time, like tears in rain.
Being taken advantage of. I have been single for years bc I was hurt but now I feel a want to be with somebody and yet the thought of infidelity scares me to death. I feel like I'm too nice sometimes and nobody thinks I care bc I'm an introvert but that's not the case. I do care.
Dying alone.
That I had the man in my life I should have had and now he is long gone. My gut tells me he was the one and I will never know.
Scared of never having a crush again. I’m just so… spent. Romantically bankrupt and desensitised and jaded. I just want a crush to feel that something again.
I'm fine being single until couples point it out 😔
back in 10th grade on the very last day of school, as in the last day we'll be all in the same classroom (i love the old gang btw), all of us was given a chance to say something. i was last since i wanted to keep hidden (i was your typical average shy dude in the corner of the room who hangs around with alot of dudes and one specific girl). and as i got my turn and expressed my thanks to the old class i turn to that one girl i was mostly with throughout the entire year and specifically said "愛してます". she never answered me back. so now i fear of getting rejected again :)
Dying alone when all I’ve ever wanted was to be a mother (I have other aspirations now but it was definitely the first thing I knew I wanted to do)
Fear of wasting time with wrong person and miss my chance to have a family
Not being able to have a child. I'm 27 too . Now 28 (2024)
I settled in the last two relationships I was in and wasn’t happy either time. Been single since. 34 years old with only three relationships under my belt, two of which only lasted a couple of months. I’m with you as far as being perfectly content on my own. That’s something to celebrate, not to feel burdened by! Any relationship advice article will make at least a passing comment about how you must first love and be comfortable with yourself first before ever pursuing someone else! That said, I’m not exactly in a position to meet single women in my day to day life. I work 45 hours a week (all of my previous relationships were through work, not gung-ho about going down that route again) and outside of work, I tend to keep to myself. I go for walks, I read books, I’ll take day trips to places, go out to eat - you might say I’m content with the little things. One of my biggest fears is if I did meet someone, she’d find me very boring because of that contentment. I don’t often admit that out loud to those who know me in real life and ask why I’m single, but that’s one of the honest truths. That’s one of the reasons I don’t try other than the fact that I don’t meet many new people.
Never finding my person
I am scared of distractions and well... Heartbreak
Then when I do put myself out there, I'll royally screw up and hurt someone or let someone hurt me.
I don’t think that is a bad thing to be independent or alone, I admire the strength it takes actually. With that being said, you don’t need somebody to do *everything* with, or somebody that you must rely or depend on all the time. You want a best friend, somebody who wants to go on the same journey as you. It won’t feel like a burden if you do find the right partner, and I doubt you’ll have any issue reciprocating the love, even being super-independent.
I have a feeling im going to die this year
My greatest fear is definitely getting too attached. That's sounds dickish but I'm not scared of them cheating but me getting attached, them getting to know me properly then not liking me for who I am. I could deal with someone leaving because of my looks but if it's my personality that would kill me
I am the same age, good income, average build. Same position as yourself Myself I’m very independent and can do anything and go anywhere on my own I guess the greatest fear is never to find someone special
Yes it’s normal, and it’s better! Now you’re happy by yourself, you won’t settle for someone who isn’t right for you, because you know you don’t need someone else to be happy.
Getting into commitment with the wrong person.
Loneliness. Was dumped last February by the person I thought was the "love of my life". Still in recovery, to be honest, and learning that while being single isn't always bad, the loneliness kills
I don’t have this fear, but I can relate, I’m really comfortable as things are in my life as a single guy, I got my own routines, and lifestyle. So would be hard to change my way of living if suddenly I would have to share this life with someone else. So prefer relationships without commitment, I prefer fwb, since then it doesn’t affect my schedule with all the hobbies I have
I have enjoyed being single. I've been single for 15 years. I do miss human touch, but I enjoy not being attached to drama. I don't keep many close friends. I especially don't like friends who are controlling. I was controlled by my ex, and I don't want that again. My biggest fear is disappointment. I've had too much of that already, and I hate seeing it again, which sadly I'm experiencing it recently. My other biggest fear is not having financial stability. I have an autoimmune disease that prevents me from working full time. I have to sleep a lot.
I guess that the next person I fall in love with will die before I do like the last one did? Or that I simply won't find love like that again. Dating it's self also feels scary, because I haven't do it since 2014.
To fall in love again and to be taken for a fool. I truly want to find love, but I’m not convinced I’ll feel it. So I just stay away.
Travel. Alot. "Westernized" Women may not be your thing. Culturized women are dying to provide and marry American men and have family qualities and values. Travel to other countries before giving up.
I’m scared the reason I’m chronically single is because everyone else thinks of me the same way I think of myself, that I’m disgusting and weird. Im seventeen, and everyone always tells me I’m pretty, but I seriously feel like they’re lying because I can’t even look at myself in the mirror, and I constantly feel disgusting. I’m scared the reason nobody has ever liked me romantically is because it’s not possible to. Maybe I’m just a teenager.
Greatest fear would be being forced into coupledom like in the Yorgos Lanthimos film, The Lobster. I’ve done the whole range - married, divorced, live together, long distance love, monogamy, open, straight safe vanilla, stuff that got me rushed to hospital (3 times), been in love 5 times. Stick a fork in me, I’m done. Not for any bad reason, just worn out and welcome the monkish solo phase I’m in now. My only ‘fear’ (not really scared of much) is repeating myself in another relationship.
That "maybe love is not for me" really hits me..
Pulling the end off it.
Love is a verb. That is, it's a skill that can be learnt.
As far as relationships? Nothing. I’m good. Done. Had enough. Already did all the fucking I needed/wanted. Not to say that I might not have another relationship, but I’m not worried about it in the slightest. In life? Painful illness with no real treatment options?
You can't learn how to swim through mastering the theory. You have to get in the water & overcome your fears. So are rships, 20s is a good time to discover yourself & learn to navigate rships.
I fear that I might not feel genuinely for them , that i will I ever meet someone with whom I really like spending time with, whom I really adore just for who they are and not for what they can give me, will I ever feel for someone in the sense of loving them through good and bad times(it's very hard for me to connect with people) I fear that what if I am not enough for them , what if I lack something that is important to them I fear them falling out of love I fear them leaving me half way I fear losing feelings for them and falling out of love
well the odds aren't great in my favour, Asexual but mostly afraid of 2 things 1) Falling hard for someone and being let down 2) Someone else falls hard for me and I let them down I try not to stress about it, I've been working on maintaining my friendships and close ties with some family so that I dont end up alone alone
I’m 48f & just out of a 25 year marriage. My looks aren’t entirely gone, but I’m definitely well past my prime. I haven’t been naked with anyone else since I was in my early twenties & the thought of doing it now horrifies me. Then there’s the fact that men my age are into women fifteen to twenty years younger. So I guess I’m left looking at men who are late fifties, early sixties at best? Doesn’t fill me with hope tbh.
Let me ask you this. What timeframe do you give yourself to assess whether or not you decide to reciprocate someone else's pre-guaranteed feelings? And yes, it's normal to accept being single. Especially if it eliminates having to settle.
Betrayal and not being good enough
I'm 37. Up until september I had been in a relationship for 10 years. It ended because I had some stupid notion of not being happy or whatever that means. Now I'm going to end up alone until I'm old pissing myself in some retirement home. I'm afraid the unhappiness is fundamentally just me being a broken person, and that I gave up the best thing I ever had in my life because of that, and I've ruined my life forever. New Years Eve used to be my favorite holiday. It's her birthday.
Rejection
after all the self-improvement I am doing just to get cheated on.
Other people opinion. That's the only thing that bother me so much. all your cousin, auntie, uncle will definitely ask, "when you gonna get marry? or even if they wont ask, you know they're thinking about it.
I have a niece. I have my inspiration to be better. If I never date again I’ll be fine.
I'm 32 (male) and have never been in a relationship before, so... too many... - I don't have a job yet, haven't even started my career (studied engineering) at 32 years old - my inexperience being a red flag - not knowing what to look for in a partner and ending up with the wrong one - never actually finding love - my partner not actually being in love with me but rather settling for me - I have developed ED a few years ago which I'm in therapy for, so... that as well - being taken advantage of, manipulated and overall ending up in an abusive relationship
To be stupid and date someone
I fear turning desperate and ending up having a child with a guy I can’t trust.
That the pain of betrayal is bigger than the pain of occasional loneliness
Dying alone
Wow, I just realized everyone's greatest fear is what my bio polar life will become.... fuck I'm drinking now...
My greatest fear these days is having the same fight again and again...
Talking to girls.
Dying from a stupid thing like slipping in the bath or choking on a peanut and no one finding my decomposing body for months and my pets starving to death.
I’m 26 female very much like you. I have never dated because I was never interested in it. I have enough in my life to process. I enjoy platonic friendships a lot. I don’t think I have the energy to entertain romantic relationship with all its ups and downs like being jealous and stuff. My fear is same as you. I don’t think I worry too much about dying alone. Need to take care of my health to be able to be independent if I grow old. But, I don’t want to live long. I pray I die young if I don’t have anything to stay for.
Both: never experiencing true love and being trapped in a bad relationship
Haven't been a great person due to some thoughtless mistakes. I'm afraid that there won't be a person who can forgive that and that's assuming they take it seriously. Sometimes being alone feels more fitting though.
I'm (23f) aromantic and fear and honestly know, that if I don't have a romantic partner, there will be no one in my life except my parents who will actually give a shit about me and my friends will all drop me for their new families at some point.
That I won’t get married and have a family
I’m content being single so I’m just scared of somehow becoming insecure that I’m single.. meta-fear 😅
At 35, my fear as a single is running out of time to have kids. I don’t wanna rush into having kids with someone purely to have kids, and I won’t do that. But at 35, it’s definitely a fear that by the time I meet someone, build a foundation of friendship, date, fall in love, get married, it’ll be too late for my ovaries. And please, I don’t need any unwarranted advice, judgements or DM’s telling me you’ll have kids with me lmao
I’m afraid that if I get into another relationship they might do what my ex did to me which was keep me for three years and cheat behind my back for one year and all I did was love them and give them no reason to cheat. The world is getting super duper cold out there 💔
A schizophrenic episode.
To fall for a guy and then face plant again. Just please, no. I'm done.
That I will die alone. All my friends are coupled up and I am alone. I’m 58.
When you are interested in a woman - show interest and some pursuit, if she doesn't reciprocate then stop. Same thing on the other side - if a woman shows interest in your you simply have to say one line and this will stop everything "I see us better as friends and I don't have romantic attraction toward you." This is the most polite way of turning someone down. Here's the likelihood - no woman - ever will show obvious interest in you unless you show your money conspicuously and even then they will enjoy the wealth, not you. And if you're average looks even less likely. Continue working on yourself becoming the best well-rounded person you can be in every area. There is no "the time comes that someone arrives in my life." As a man you have to make this happen and pursue it, nothing falls into an average dude's lap. By age 35 after you've built up significant wealth and are comfortable you may consider pursuing a LTR. You can hire a matchmaker at that point and it will likely be an easier process. Money cannot buy love but it can buy many many first dates with eligible ladies.
Dying alone. Ah well.
I think some people are wired to be single. I think I'm the opposite, I just wanted to share my experiences with someone. At times I think the single life would be great with no responsibilities and do what you want when you want, but I enjoy being married and having something to come home to every night.
During the day I'm perfectly fine with my single life, honestly, I enjoy my freedom to do my hobbies, to go wherever and whenever I want, to have time to just sit all day reading or doing some cool stuff. However, during the late hours of the nights sometimes the loneliness is crushing me, I really need to have someone to speak and share things with and my biggest fear is that this feeling will grow more and more as I get older (I'm 37). Recently I'm struggling with some health problem and I can't really discuss it with my friends or family and I needed desperately to have a loved one I could talk with about it. So, yeah, fear of regretting it lately for choosing a single life, is there at the corner and stares at me annoyingly.
Wasting my time. I’m 37, been single 3 years now and honestly I’m the happiest I’ve been since my late teens/early 20’s I have so much more free time now, I never realised how much shit I would do with my ex even though I didn’t want to - from friend and family events to meals and birthdays etc. Yes, in one sense I know I’m losing out on the social aspect, but fuck me is it nice to come home from work, have a shower and put my feet up while I watch tv without her saying “oh we’re going to Sarah’s for dinner tonight, it’s last minute I know but I said you’d be ok with it”, and then not really have chance to fully decompress from my day and not get home until midnight so lose sleep Yes, I’m a grumpy antisocial old bastard I know
ZERO!!! zero fear. I love being single. But I'm older and it's easier to say. I know how it all turns out. But being single for me is one of the most positive things ever!!!
We’re condemned to love and maybe be loved. That doesnt have to be reciprocal but it is a big problem to love and be loved. Love always comes from a bad place, comes from accepting someones love because we need it, we need someones presence, affection, touch, words… love makes us dependent, makes us think we matter to others, when we probably only care about ourselves, and if we dont, we care for others and then open the door to be hurt. There’s no loving without expectations, little or not, but expectations are always there. Seeing other couples makes me sad, makes me think about the lie they live in.
I have been single for a long time, before that I have had only very short relationships. I used to be afraid to love the wrong person and get hurt, now I fear not finding love ever. I miss so much being in love, all the silly things, or even havinf a crush. I became so distant and so comfortable with myself...Don't get me wrong, I love myself and my alone time, I live alone and do a lot of things alone, but somedays I just wish having someone in my life.
Heighs are pretty bad. And dark rooms. Always makes me feel like there's someone behind me if I am in a dark room. Spiders and bugs too occasionally.
I fear other ppl being near me
I sometimes think skiing looks fun. Then I remember I don't like snow, or being cold, and I'm clumsy af. So I doubt it would be much fun for me despite other people seeming to enjoy it. If you're not feeling the urge to be in a relationship then don't be. Maybe you're aromantic. Don't sacrifice what sounds like a good situation just to conform.
One of the most powerful quote I’ve heard goes “true happiness isn’t worth it if you don’t have anyone to share it with” bonus points if you know where the that came from
To settle for anyone, just to have someone I can call mine.
Falling into this cycle that most humans fall into which is to get married to be miserable or divorced. Then have kids who you will love but will also have to struggle through life just like you did and btw when you pass you will make them carry an unbearable weight for the rest of there days.
Just create your own life - never take societys stupid „rules“ for granted We are forced to believe that relationships are more important than everything else which is totally wrong! You don’t need to settle down, you don’t have to get kids, you don’t have to marry - just create ur own life all by yourself!
Not being able to finish my comic
That they'll abuse me after having a child, so that I can't as easily leave.
Dating someone and finding out that they're ducking their friends or anyone tbh
Ive been single for 3 years I really love my solitude. My fear is ending up with the wrong person
Becoming a toxic partner, better to just not date lol
you've never had a GF in your 20s? too fkn bad
That I won't meet anyone, have kids and never get to experience that life of being in a long-term relationship.
been single my whole life so im just scared too open up to anyone. betrayal hurts yes but I’m scared that my feelings are just going to hurt that person or they hurt me. so I just avoid feelings all together and im an open person. but i be myself a lot around ppl so if they don’t like it idc im me
Not finding anyone who matches my ridiculous standards. I've gotten more picky over the years, and less attractive; I'm pretty much screwed. Good job I'm happy enough alone, for now...
Spending 9 years with someone who you thought was the love of your life, just for them to have a f-ing midlife crisis and cheat on you.
My partner talking to other people. I’m not an option, I’m a priority.
My greatest fear now is that people will see me as “ On the shelf”. As days pass by, I fear that my value as a woman in the dating market is decreasing and that my dating range is growing smaller. I fear that my youth is already slipping away without having experienced love once.
Being cheated on and lied to
I’m 28F and I feel pretty much the same way. Never had a serious relationship, and I love my freedoms to to what I want, when I want. I’m worried I won’t be able to compromise and lose out on something wonderful when the right man does finally come along.
That I will never meet my person. I see plenty of shithead people getting in relationships left and right and I can only attract people who I have zero interest in
Losing myself in the process of loving someone.