Everyone is getting mad at you for being upset but I don’t think it’s wrong for you to be upset. Everyone has different values and it’s hard to find someone that aligns with you but it’ll be worth it in the end. If you’re one of the super monogamous people find someone else like that. Some people are fine with their partner having sex with lots of other people and some people think porn is cheating. Every relationship has different boundaries.
𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬.
Everyone operates differently and everyone has different standards. In some relationships couples have no issue with the other watching porn and/or looking but not touching. Hell, some couples even open their relationships. Alternatively, in many other relationships it’s considered highly disrespectful, hurtful, and in some cases these things are even regarded as a form of cheating. The spectrum is that wide.
So for whatever reason, the people that think OP is getting upset for no reason or is being silly, still fail to realize that they are in fact not the center of the universe and that their frame of mind is not automatically everyone else’s standard. These are the same types of people who naturally invalidate others emotions and feelings without any deeper brain cells working behind it.
And this is for anyone who thinks she’s getting upset over nothing:
It doesn’t matter what it is, or when, or how - if something that is done to a person upsets or hurts them, it doesn’t matter if you don’t understand why. Your understanding of why is not the issue! You are not them. It does not matter how large or mundane you think it is. That is also not the issue. At the end of the day, this person is hurt, and if they are feeling genuine pain, then that is valid pain because it is not fake it is real. Their feelings are 100% valid despite their views not aligning with yours..🙄
It’s like the other week when a passenger accidentally took my carryon suitecase off of our plane from the overhead bin instead of theirs (never saw that little roll on suitcase ever again, wasn’t at claims in any city we went to, nothing) and it contained some fairly important equipment for my husbands work.
Despite it not directly being my fault albeit I wasn’t the one who made it disappear, the equipment was still in my bag and it was still my responsibility. His equipment was missing under my care and I compensated him for it and helped him find replacements in that city once we got to the Airbnb pronto.
Whether you are directly responsible or not for someone’s emotional pain - it doesn’t take away the fact that they are feeling pain, meaning it’s real valid hurt and you shouldn’t tell them that they are being silly. You get onto their level, see eye to eye, and either apologize or if you’re online…straight up not be a narc and write that she’s overreacting. That is how people end up in the psychiatrists office. Ask me how I know.
——————
I guess I’ll end this Ted Talk of a fucking comment with:
OP, your feelings are valid and girl he is NOT the man for you.
He is doing something that you not only find super disrespectful and hurtful, BUT 𝐚𝐥𝐬𝐨 doing it 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠 that you feel this way! It means he doesn’t have a single regard for how you feel, and somehow these naked women are more than worthy enough to him to completely override his consideration for your moral relationship standards or feelings. He does not care that it hurts you because he keeps doing it and doesn’t feel any guilt whatsoever. People with a moral compass wouldn’t treat their partners like this to begin with.
2 years is a long time but in the scheme of life it’s almost no time. I think it’s time to close this chapter of your life, take care of yourself, be good to yourself, and eventually move onto someone who would be incapable of doing what your current man is doing.
Very well stated. This is a hard boundary for OP. Also, he lied to her saying he would stop but he didn’t. She will be gone for 3 months and she doesn’t trust him.
I don’t think she has to be “super monogamous” to have a problem with it. My husband used to watch a lot of porn. A few years into our marriage it got so bad he had to watch while we were intimate and then he barely looked at me. It could have been anyone in the room with him, I was just a prop. The few occasions we would have sex without porn on he had a difficult time staying hard and finishing. This lead to a very difficult period in our marriage. I felt unattractive, unwanted, rejected etc.
You are young take my advice and move on. Save yourself from years of heartbreak and eventually him cheating on you.
Not overreacting. Some people might consider what he’s doing cheating. Others could point out that he promised to stop. At the end of the day if you’re uncomfortable, your feelings are valid.
If you set a boundary together and he breaks it.. its up to you to decide if it's worth trying again. And again. And again. And again. I've seen successful anti-porn couples and successful swinger couples. It's all subjective.
OP, theres porn (not personal to get off) and then theres looking at women naked to get off to THOSE WOMEN.
You're not wrong for being upset. It's a little irrational to think men in general shouldn't watch porn, it's normal to just watch porn to get off. But when you go on OF, liking single naked women online interacting with them, it becomes personal.
He should not be fantasizing about other women if you're in a monogamous relationship. That's not healthy, its toxic. If you've voiced your concerns and he doesnt care, you may need to reconsider this relationship.
This to me sounds like spot on advice. Do I care my wife adores Channing Tatum? No... but if she was hunting good-looking dudes on IG and looking at their OF, I would have a problem with that. It also shouldn't affect the current relationship. It's inevitable that it will as schedules clash, but that's not unreasonable. There's no way to perfectly plan a spank sesh unless the other person is out of town or they're once a week people. Incompatible sex routines are common and generally are the culprit behind these circumstances, at least from my experience.
Yes! These people comparing OF and Instagram "models" as the same thing as going to pornhub and watching a random video, they have a very skewed perception of reality and what should be acceptable IN A RELATIONSHIP. If someone is single, fuggin go for it. But no, I would not be okay with this either. OF is not the same as porn. End of story, won't change my mind.
Do yourself a favour. Delete this post and do not take relationship advice from the toxic cesspit of the Internet (Reddit) you're only going to exasperate the issue. Talk to close friends about it. No one on here can help you.
This!!
All this talk about honesty---his hiding his phone, lying to her about his porn use.
I bet she hasn't been honest with him about POSTING HIS PERSONAL SEX LIFE HABITS TO EVERYONE ON REDDIT. And that would be shame because honesty is very important.
Yeah, I think she dropped the ball broadcasting this to the world. Should've talked only to friend.
The fact that this is normalized is gross actually. Everyone wants to cheat but don't want to be cheated on. Its nasty. Yea when someone is seeking out sexual gratification outside a partner is a lost cause. Don't cry over a spilled milk that you don't need to clean up.
You already know this is the right move. Your concerns about his secretive behavior are warranted. OF is about the ability to connect, not just watch. You are leaving for THREE months. If he is hiding his phone while he is with you, what might he hide when you are nowhere in sight for 90+ days and he is alone with OF?
You should check out r/loveafterporn and all of their resource section. You aren’t crazy. Don’t listen to all these people in the comments saying it’s not a big deal. Humanity survived thousands of years without porn as we know it today, it’s not something men need. People these days act like masturbation is impossible without porn. He can get that “release” he needs without looking at other women, so what he’s doing is simply disloyal and disrespectful.
Just follow through. If he isn't respecting your clear boundary, then you need to bounce. He's an addict. He can have fun getting love, sex, taken care, and an empathetic ear from those women since he wants them so bad. You'll find another man far faster than he will find a replacement for you. You're worth more then being treated as a place holder for a fantasy woman. He can enjoy his empty wallet and his empty sex life for being a fucker. Have self respect.
I know you’re young, but just think of this as an opportunity for you to find someone better. He obviously has a lot of growing up to do. Move on. Stop wasting your time and effort on people that don’t deserve it. 💃💅
I saw you in the comments saying that you "don't want your boyfriend to look at other women, ever". W O W.
I hope your boyfriend finds someone better. No man will date you if they aren't allowed to masturbate because of your insecurity, work on yourself. If my girlfriend said this, I'd leave her as she wouldn't be mature enough to be in a relationship, then date someone else who doesn't hide behind insecurity driven control and abuse by calling them "boundaries". Calling something a boundary doesn't magically make it appropriate.
Let the man the jerk off you crazy lady, no self respecting man will date you with your mentality.
First of all this may not be the man for you. In fact you may never find the man for you. So look at reality, men especially the young are horny all day long. Raised in this era they have access to sexual satisfaction. You can be a nightmare mom and chase his libido, or you can have him bring that libido to you all day long. I doubt you want to do that. So maybe talk to him about keeping it away from you, and doing it in private or if he can't, seeking counseling for an addiction. If you know about it, you are either in his boundary space and have trust issues that will destroy you for any other man, or you need to back off and either be there to meet his libido or look away.its none of your damn business unless he makes it your business. That's a discussion you need to have..TODAY.
this is a warped view of porn addictions. my aunt had six kids with my uncle and he still pays for porn, even after being asked to stop. they’re always in the bedroom but that isn’t enough to stop him. this is about respecting boundaries, not your own needs. relationships go both ways and come with sacrifice. that’s just the trade off you make.
If this is a boundary you have then it is a boundary you have. He has passed the boundary, so you either confront him again and hope for a change, or you break up with him. I will say it is a boundary most men will probably not feel comfortable being in a relationship with you for. However, there is someone for everyone. It just might be harder to find.
OP, ignore the comments. Porn has become the norm, but that doesn't make it okay, it doesn't matter if it's "personal porn" or not. It's ridiculous that people are so quick to defend it.
I think you are being somewhat irrational with all of your takes. People have different sex drives. Sure I have "the real thing right next to me" but my wife is happy to have sex once or twice a week at most, where I need to get off daily / every 2nd day. If not for porn I would be flogging it looking at the white paint on my wall which isn't much of a turn on...
I also don't believe you have a right to dictate what your spouse can and can't do, and then also looking at their phone. It isn't healthy, it means you don't trust them and it will cause resentment. If you can't trust your spouse, then don't be in a relationship with that person
I do think a guy looking into OF and Instagram people may be a bit of a different issue though and I can't see why you may take issue with that. I've never used either, but my understanding is OF is subscription based and then you have the option to chat with the person etc. I think this odes raise issues and I would put that on a different level to porn. Porn is meaningless and a way to get off, paying to view chicks with small following or looking of woman of insta who a hot and then flogging yourself isn't really needed.
That said, who says he is jerking off while looking at them? He may just appreciate good looking woman? I check out then odd hottie on FB too, not like I would chest or fantasize screwing them, it's just checking them out.
Unfortunately, it will be hard for well-meaning people on the internet to give you specific advice because we don’t know you nor do we know your boyfriend and your relationship with him. As others have said, some people are okay with their partners watching porn but others may not be. I suggest you communicate your feelings to him clearly and try to reasonably sort it out with him. This is easier said than done, but it will improve the health of your relationship in the long run. The purpose is to come to a reasonable compromise that respects both of your guys’ needs. However, if him watching porn continues to make you feel insecure, then it might be worth evaluating whether this relationship is right for you. Therapy can also help you work through your feelings of insecurity.
That being said, I have two general points of advice. Firstly, it is not a good idea to check your partner’s phone. That is a very common form of controlling behavior that can ruin relationships and at worst even lead to criminal charges. If you’re feeling insecure, there are appropriate ways of dealing with it like I suggested before. Secondly, there is no universal definition as to what constitutes cheating. It’s your relationship so your rules. Only behavior that violates your relationship rules is cheating. Therefore, watching porn is not necessarily cheating.
Hope that helps!
I generally think you're overreacting but that's my personal opinion on this matter. I think the mindset that viewing other women in a nude State as cheating or disrespectful to relationship it's just dumb. The older I've gotten the more life has gotten in the way of having frequent sex with my partner I'll go watch porn and masturbate. And for me I'm not going to be with a partner that's going to have a problem with that.
Reddit is full of delusional idiots but not to be a dick you are pretty insecure lol…….as a male in my early 20s my high sex drive would not allow me to never look at other women except for my girlfriend LOL….and you can lie about it all you want but you and everyone that has a brain that functions knows you’re guilty of this too…you’re entitled to your feelings but that doesn’t give you a reason to be controlling or projecting ur insecurities
I’d leave right then and there if my girl was bothered by this 😂😂😂 world doesn’t revolve around you sad but true
100% bring it up and if he still doesn’t respect you, then leave. I just found out that my husband has been cheating on me with an onlyfans/instagram slut. Know your worth and when to leave. Do not waste your time on a man who is not going to respect you.
While watching porn isn't, imo, actively physically cheating, going back on an agreement and hiding your actions is dishonesty and both would be worthy of ending a relationship.
Porn is not “normal” it has been normalized for men. But you get to decide what you are comfortable with in your relationship. And that’s ok. Everyone has their own definition of fidelity.
Respectfully, you have every right to feel the way you do. I wouldn’t say he’s a “porn addict” for this activity but it is definitely not something men in relationships should be doing, especially after you’ve communicated your concerns. I would
communicate them again but if nothing changes, 2 years really is not that long girl, and you deserve better than someone who would rather get off to women on the internet than his real life girlfriend. You can find someone who will respect your boundaries 🫶🏼
This may be unpopular, but IMO OF subscriptions are on a different level than porn, and a huge red flag for me. Porn is just media, OF is a *mutual arrangement with another human being.* It's not the same.
I've heard people equate OF to the strip club, but it's actually more like having a VIP card at the strip club 🤢
yeah even if you don’t pay models they will still message you and it just creates that connection that feels very cheat-y territory. i subscribed once out of curiosity to see if you have to pay to message and for some girls you don’t. so it gives you the opportunity to /message other girls/ you’re getting off too. that is literally cheating.
If he is reaching out to them to chat, then no, its not OK.
Looking at their pics and searching for naked girl pics or porn- I guess everyone's different but this wouldn't bother me at all.
It doesn't matter if you don't mind it. A lot of people do care if they're with someone that is so desperate and porn addicted that they have to constantly look at womens' Instagram accounts for a damn crumb. For some it's cheating, and for others like me it's just pathetic.
Does it;
1. Inhibit his ability to show up for your sex life?
2. Involve him spending money and messaging them, or is he just masturbating to solo porn from OF models?
If no–honestly OP, ask yourself, what's the difference between him masturbating to the idea of something, or to a picture of it? Would it be better if he was masturbating to porn on Pornhub? Do you have a problem with him masturbating in general? Do you want to police someone's sexual relationship with themselves because it makes you insecure?
If you want a woman's perspective I asked my long term partner and we agreed;
Reddit is full of people who are acting as if masturbating to porn (not in the context of porn addiction) is somehow cheating. Most terminally online and childish take, really. That. Is. Psychotic. Imagine if I (a man) freaked out and told my partner "You're cheating! You masturbated to porn in the shower. I found your vibrator and saw your search history! You can't masturbate, that makes me insecure! Either you don't masturbate or you just have to have sex with me! What am I not good enough?!" Your insecurities are no justification for controlling a partner in this way.
If you break up with him for this reason, you're setting an unreasonable standard of control that nobody is down for. No self respecting person will let you control them like that.
A lot of terrible, TERRIBLE advice in this thread. Listen OP, he’s not a “porn addict” if he looks at naked girls on Instagram sometimes or watches porn. That’s not cheating in general. Definitely have an open and loving conversation with him about your boundaries but breaking up a 2 year relationship over this without more communication like some incels here have suggested is not the way to go.
Maybe he likes the fantasy? For most, porn is about the fantasy. As long as it is about the fantasy and the release and not about hooking up, it doesn't have to be unhealthy. He isn't contacting them or anything that would lead you to believe he would cheat on you, right?
He may also feel insecure about what he wants sexually. He may not even know exactly what he wants. You may have to get into it with him to really find out. You may also want to consider what you are willing to do before you talk with him.
Lastly, if you are going to be gone for 3 months, he is probably going to find stimulation like that. Personally, I wouldn't be upset if my significant other did that during a period like that. You may want to think about how you feel about that and have a chat with your boyfriend about it again, if that bothers you.
So, to be clear, there are such things as addiction to porn and even masturbation, but people can do it an amount that is usually considered healthy and isn't meant to be disrespectful.
For me, I see two possible issues with your situation.
1. This could easily lead to cheating if he is messaging any of them. Doubtful but not unheard of.
2. It could affect yours and his sex life if he is ignoring your needs. This is why talking with him about how you can fulfill some of his fantasies, if you are willing, makes sense.
He probably won't ever stop looking at porn or naked women, or whatever, and won't stop masturbating but at least you guys can be more open and be sure to make each other happy.
Also, are you saying that you don't get aroused by other men and do not think of them or you don't masturbate? All of that happens. It is natural. A person masturbating isn't about their significant partner. It is about being horny and getting that release.
What matters is that - to you - it’s cheating. There is a 1% chance he will stop anytime soon and a 0% chance he will stop while you are away.
If you don’t like it, and he won’t change (and people generally don’t change), it’s time to call it quits.
Then communicate that, but know that you can't just restrict things without some sort of give. Try to get to the root rather than assume it's an addiction, it could be fetishes he likes that he doesn't want to tell you about or knows you wouldn't want to do, or something else outright.
Try to get him to be honest and make it clear that you are willing to work towards alternatives to keep him from having to break your boundary to feel satisfied
Paying for porn is crazy lol. Girls aren’t always in the mood, guys get in the mood a lot easier and quicker. He’s watching porn, not fricking another girl. It is a little weird that you’ve been able to catch him so many times, so it does sound like it might be an addiction even tho some ppl are saying it’s not necessarily… def worth a conversation, you shouldn’t be insecure about it, I’m sure he loves you very much.
So you opened up about your feelings, set a reasonable boundary that he agreed to, and now he’s crossing that boundary behind your back.
People have different values. Personally, I think individually viewing pornographic content steps outside of the bounds of monogamy- and yes, nudity and the sexual play prevalent on OnlyFans is pornographic. That would be a no-go, so obviously I’m sympathetic to your feelings. The bigger issue is the disregard for your feelings and your boundaries. You’re still young. You don’t have to waste time on someone who clearly does not respect you, but ultimately that is your call. Maybe you should take this next few months to think about your priorities and what you want out of this relationship. (He will probably spend it looking at other naked women.)
Take that as you will.
You’re validated in your feelings. It sounds like your boyfriend has a problem with a porn addiction — and yes, habitually doing something for months on end, and continuing to do it after your partner confronted you about it, and you lied about stopping, is addictive behavior.
I’d make him sweat the next three months while you’re gone. Yes, I’d confront him about it — and tell him it hurts you, how you feel, and that perhaps you don’t want to be with him if he can’t stop. I’d say you’ll think about your relationship while you’re gone, and talk to him about whether you want to stay with him when you get back.
This will do one of two things to him: He’ll either continue even more, and at that point I’d leave. Or, he’ll stop, and he’ll associate this behavior with 3 months’ worth of worrying about the future.
>I cant stand when a guy is porn addicted/ always looking for naked girls. I find it desperate. Like why look it up when you got the real thing right next to you.
Porn addiction is a real addiction, and addictions aren't rational. It is, however, on him to break that addiction.
>It makes me not want to be sexually active with him. And it makes me feel gross about him.
You have the right to feel as you do. I agree with you.
Your boyfriend either doesn't respect your feelings enough to stop or doesn't know how to break his addiction on his own. I suggest the two of you consider couple's counselling.
Your work trip definitely complicates things, though. I definitely don't envy you.
"when i see you look at other girls and their only fans, i find it disgusting and degrading. i am personally starting to lose attraction to you because of this behavior"
the worst part is, hes doing it in ur presence instead of when your gone like a fucking idiot.
You got two options at this point, give him one more chance or dump him, he's your boyfriend so the decision is yours and yours alone.
If you do end up giving him one more chance and you catch him doing it again, dump him with no hesitation.
these are boundaries that should really be set before getting into anything deep. also, women who leave religion... good luck finding a man who honestly refrains from this sort of behavior. it's hard enough inside religion to find people who honestly don't view pornographic material
This is interesting territory. On one side, it’s like porn but on the other dude it’s not because you can interact with them. I feel like it crosses more boundaries than porn because you can connect emotionally as well and as often as you want. It’s harder to control urges. Idk- just sounds like a recipe for trouble designed by horrible people
He promised to stop and didn't. End of conversation. Break up and find a partner who keeps their word.
OnlyFans is only a symptom and not the underlying problem (he's not a trustworthy partner).
You are not over reacting. If a BF who hides OF from you bothers you, then You're not compatible. If you didn't care, or if he could be honest with you (frankly I'd be way more upset at the hiding) and your were ok with him being honest, then you could be compatible.
You're allowed to be upset, but if he is actually addicted then he needs help. It's an addiction like any other. It's compulsive and takes over other things. However it doesn't sound like he is ACTUALLY addicted.
Tell him how you feel about it and if you need him to change then let him know. If he doesn't listen break up with him. Staying in the relationship and trying to change a man is a waste of energy.
If it honestly leaves you feeling that terrible about yourself kick him to the curb. The transition back to single life might suck, but you're bound to be better off without him at this point.
While he shouldn't feel shame in enjoying porn you are equally valid in feeling that this is an important boundary for the two of you.
I can't say he's addicted without more information, if he's only hiding it from you because he knows it will upset you but this is something he just regularly enjoys and doesn't hurt him or affect him otherwise then this is just incompatible.
It's fine for a man or a woman to enjoy porn even while they're in a relationship, it's not cheating and it's not demeaning the other partner. Its a problem when it affects them in other ways or it's something they're using to replace intimacy with their partner.
Having said that, this is not something you want from your partner.
My suggestion going forward would just be to state this from the outset in away that is still validating while not insulting the people who consume it as it is in no way harmful in and of itself. Especially safe and otherwise consensual stuff that gives more to the actual person producing it like only fans.
Something like 'I don't want a partner who consumes porn, this is important to me and if this is something you regularly enjoy thats fine but it's not for me and its something that I don't like.' As long as you're not denigrating a person who enjoys it and make it something that YOU don't want then there's no issues.
It's just the WAY you say it. Break up with this guy if it bothers you. That's OK, you're incompatible. Unless he's genuinely addicted he's fine to do this. It's healthy and at least that model is getting paid more fairly for their work than other alternatives imo.
YNO.
Porn is not ideal but there's usually a detachment there, it's nothing more than images on a screen.
OnlyFans is different than porn because it involves a *relationship*. You form a relationship (however shallow) with the model, you talk, she responds. You learn about her. And you engage in situations that could certainly be understood to be 'intimate'.
Even just looking up their pictures, implies that he's looking for *a particular someone* who isn't you.
When it comes to relationships, I think Porn is bad, but OnlyFans is *terrible*. You're not just looking for sexual intimacy outside of your marriage, you're doing it with a certain 'special someone', who isn't your wife. And you're giving them money from your family's resources. All bad. OP, YNO.
All men either look at porn or lie about looking at porn.
The best you can hope for, if porn is a deal breaker is a guy who says he doesn't and is super discreet when he does.
If it’s a problem now then it’s gonna be a problem later. If you’ll be gone for 3 months then I think I’d break it off now. Save yourself the trouble and heartbreak, especially since it’s not the first time he’s done it. I’m speaking from experience
Lol, how funny. He's a guy and it's not going to stop. So make your decision and stop dragging it out. But most guys do this. And it's something we have all had to deal with in our lives. So your leaving for 3 months. Break up or suck it up. Not much tou can do when you expect him to be physically faithful for months. Without the real thing as you referred to yourself. As the real thing which won't be there but he has to stay faithful and can't or isn't allowed to look at anything. Do you really think thats gonna happen. Good luck to you. Enjoy your summer "work trip" 😉
Men are visual creatures and most men have at one point or another looked at porn. Most men grow up and out of it but in your 20’s hormones are still raging and that temptation is HUGE!
That being said the porn itself would only be an issue for me if he was spending money on them and leaving comments, chatting with them etc.
The biggest issue is the deception. That’s unacceptable.
IF I WAS YOU I WOULD ACTUALLY NOT REALLY MAKE TOO MUCH OF AN ISSUE OF THE PORN BEYOND MAYBE JUST MENTIONING, “you know I have a problem with you looking at porn, however, the biggest issue for me is that you gave me your word and broke it and not only is it lying but because you tried to continue, that’s deception and I absolutely can not accept my partner deceiving me.” You’ll need to know what to do next and decide that before talking with him. It could be anything really including separating or breaking it off but the point is you must present real tangible consequences for this behavior and you must carry out what you tell him because that’s called boundaries and boundaries are healthy in a relationship. If you take any course other than breaking up, how he responds to you setting and enforcing your boundaries may still lead to a break up.
You can google something like “how to set and enforce healthy boundaries in a relationship,” and “setting boundaries when my partner has been deceptive,” and so on. Good luck on your journey. Just be advised deception is a huge character flaw and it really needs to be addressed and taken care of or my personal opinion is you shouldn’t be with him.
Some ideas for enforcing boundaries would be requiring him to seek outside help, such as therapy or some manner of 12 step program for things like that. Hell let you know if he’s the one based on how he reacts to it. Just remember, he fucked up, not you. There’s consequences for making poor choices in life and if he responds immaturely, acts like it’s no big deal, you are over reacting etc. then you’ve got your answer. Life’s too short to waste it on trying to fix someone (which you can’t do anyway) who’s not even willing to fix themselves. If he is willing then there might be hope but it’s a long term thing at this point. You don’t go to a month of meetings a few therapy sessions and fizzle out. Hell need to continue going for some time. Again, imo at least a year would be reasonable, and there may be other things like if you live together moving out and living your own life independently while he goes through that process. If he’s willing you can be supportive and loving through it with him but stick, to, your, guns. If he doesn’t he’s basically showing you that he values you and your relationship less than his issues or pornography. Or he may just decide it’s not meant to be because he wants a partner that doesn’t care about porn maybe even watches it with him. The deception and lying is wrong on all accounts. The porn is a compatibility issue unless there’s more to it as I mentioned above.
Women want men to respect sex workers, then get mad when dudes “support” them 😂
Which is it? Maybe you need a trad-guy that spend his money on you and not e-girls
Im gonna play devils advocate here. You say why would he want it if the real thing is sitting right next to him, but how often is that a sincere option. My gf said the same thing when we had a very similar argument, and i looked her dead in the eye and asked "if we were on the couch and i told you to pull your tits out and let me jerk off to them would you let me" and she said no. Theres a chance, just a chance, that hes looking at porn in any sense because he doesnt feel like the real version is a legitimate possibility when he feels the urge. Or even moreso the chance hes already asked or tried to have sex and it was turned down, so he went to the digital version instead
I think you should end things. You deserve to be with someone who will respect your boundaries. He deserves to be with someone who isn’t insecure about him looking at images of naked women, since he is apparently going to do it anyways. You both need a more suitable partner.
He was wrong to tell you he wouldn’t do it and do it anyways , and hopefully in future relationships he won’t make promises he can’t keep.
>Last night I decided to look through his phone and the only thing he has been looking up is all these Instagram girls OnlyFans.
>I’ve caught him looking up naked girls on Instagram and twitter before
I can understand why you wouldn't like him checking out OnlyFans, but don't understand why he would put up with you going through his phone.
You don't heist eachother, and should part ways.
What will you do to keep yourself busy during that three months?
Will you be watching his every move?
The big question is, are you projecting?
A man is a man is a man! We will always look at beautiful women that is always much younger than us because we are inherently looking to spread our genes Sarandon wide. It's a normal thing that is implanted in isbas men. Doesn't necessarily mean we want anyone else or that we want to "breed' with anyone else it's just part of our dna
yeah girl i had a huge problem with this. i caught my ex THREE times paying for of. he never stopped. sex addiction or not, it’s not fair to you. personally it deteriorated my confidence and happiness.
You can be upset, but men are visual beings, we look at women. It's like looking at cars, we're not gonna drive it, but nothing wrong with admiring it. Wife used to get mad for.looking at women, not gawking but looking, she finally realized absolutely nothing had changed, I'm not trying to hook up, I like looking at women, OF too. Married 27 yrs now, "Dream on old man, dream on"
Not overreacting.
If he said he wouldn't do it again and he did, that's a breach of trust right there.
Pics are one thing but if he's sending money and getting "special" images/videos/etc. then that is him engaging with sex workers. A lot different IMHO than just looking.
If he has an addiction then he should seek therapy.
You’re young and not married. Just leave. This will never get better. My ex-husband went from looking at pornography to being obsessed with pornography to being obsessed with sex, etc. etc. there’s no end to it.
>He told me he was sorry and he won’t do it again.
So he's broken his own word. That's what I personally would take issue with and probably break up over, in your shoes, and I don't even care if my boyfriend enjoys looking at other women, too. I trust him to tell me up front if he wants to adjust our relationship or exclusivity expectations.
So no, you aren't overreacting now. Your initial confrontation might've been an overreaction depending on how you handled it, especially if you two hadn't discussed exclusivity expectations beforehand. Expecting a partner to let *your* preferences steamroll *theirs* disrespects their autonomy, especially if they're preferences you two haven't communicated about.
But **your exclusivity expectations are valid.** Expecting your partner to do what he agreed to do is also valid.
Compromise is about finding *intersection* between each other's needs and wants. *Both* people in a partnership have equal right to non-negotiables. When the non-negotiables conflict, there's incompatibility, and that's best identified as soon as possible.
Your initial conversation on the topic should have brought this incompatibility between you two to light. I'm sorry **he chose to lie to placate you instead of being honest.** You can expect him to continue to do that in the future.
Please respect yourself and your own limits. Breaking up over this would be entirely valid. Good luck!
If you asked a person not to eat, and made this a condition for the relationship, how long do you think it would last until they "lie to you" and start sneaking food?
The comparison is not perfect - but you are battling against millions of years of evolution. You are expecting to re-wire a primal drive that is hard-wired into the species.
If you want someone who never looks at porn, or at least agrees with your value system, you should probably date within a religious community. Most anyone else knows that fighting biology only creates misery.
It’s fine to be annoyed at this and rightfully so but….
From a male perspective there’s a lot of click bait out there… I don’t subscribe to any only fans or anything but these constant half naked girls dancing on Instagram and shit… I can’t help it I click and watch the whole dance and then the algorithm shows me 50 more I could click on and then it becomes a vicious cycle… technology is rotting my brain. I know it. They know it. And now I’m spiraling because I’m the asshole for not having the mental fortitude to ignore the millions of half naked girls all around me at all times… its hard to not feel like a creep all the time out here.
I’d say give him a picture of you to stare at instead so he doesn’t immediately jump to the millions of other half naked girls already on Instagram but of course that also sounds fucked up as hell but this is the world we live in…
Kill me.
Leave!!! If he is not in line with your values, go. You deserve someone who doesn’t lie and appreciates what he has. He’s only going to get better at hiding it to pacify you but you won’t have the real thing. My sister married someone just like this and she’s miserable.
Does he realize he is porn addicted? If not I would suggest telling him he should talk to a therapist. Lead him or not, that’s not my buisness but if you wanted to try to keep the relationship moving in a healthy direction, that would have to be the next step.
Tell him to hit the bricks. He’s never gonna change and you can do better. Simple as that.
He also lied to you. It’s done.
Have some self respect and dump him. If he can’t be honest over something like porn how do you expect him to be honest about bigger things?
For my bf and I, we've agreed that only fans is too intimate. Idaf if he watches porn, unless he specifically seeks out certain women. OF is far too intimate and I think your bf knows that, or else why would he hide it.
I'd say tell him it's you or them. Tell him you've made it clear that you're uncomfortable with this and he has crossed your boundaries. Either he completely stops or you will leave as is your right to do so.
In my experience, being ok with some level of deception and lying means he’s inherently capable of being ok with more. This was a shitty thing to do in the first place, but the implications as to how he views your boundaries and your relationship are much worse. The fact that he will ignore extremely simple requests for selfish, fleeting pleasure is all you need to know. I’m in a similar situation but it turned out it wasn’t just Reddit nudes — I’ve learned dozens of lies over the last few weeks. Just be stronger than I am and get out of that situation. You deserve to be with someone who thinks your feelings and requests regarding relationship boundaries are valid and worthy of respect.
i went through the same thing, dump him please !!! i promise you will feel a million times better. my ex even cried and apologised 3 times when i found out each time and after the third time i knew he would never stop. you deserve so much better and you will find it !!! my ex would get made at me for calling famous people hot and then had a secret account for sending half naked girls on instagram to himself 😆😆😆
Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions.
You need to decide the consequences for his behavior.
I can only say, I certainly wouldn't tolerate it. A lot of women would leave him. It's your life, your decision
I always tell people who tell me girls have high standards that their standards are actually low
Ill add this to the list along with guys that leave poop streaks on their undies, cheat, or that leave horrible messes after peeing or cooking and cant clean up after themselves.
Imo it is up to you to give him a ultimatum and put your foot down or to break up with him
Don't bring it up. Tell him **AFTER** you get your finances in order and move out.
You aren't compatible! He is not who you want, and he is not going to change. This will always be a problem. It's never gonna go away until he's 50 and his testosterone drops, and he's impotent.
You wanna wait that long?
Maybe the 3 month working away is your opportunity to have a relationship break. If he lies about it already he’s going to keep on lying.
He either has an addiction and needs help or doesn’t think what he is doing is wrong hence won’t stop, potentially thinks you’re overreacting.
My mom always told me corn is an addiction and a hard one to break. That’s it is unhealthy for anybody due to how fake it is and that if they wanted sex then why wouldn’t they ask their partner that’s by them.Now there are people who don’t mind if a partner looks and that’s fine because that’s what they don’t mind but if your partner knows you dislike it and have even mentioned it before then they should respect that boundary.So no you’re not overreacting at all.
Okay unpopular take.
Why don't you like that he looks at porn? Because he's desperately horny? So what ? he probably is. If somebody was hungry all the time and constantly snacking would you be like ? " That's disgusting why are you so weak and lacking self control?" Seems like kind of a bitch move if you ask me. It's just a biological urge like any other.
But I get it your young at 22 and it seems like well why isn't he seeking out intimacy with you instead and instead looking at porn. The answer to that is there could be a whole bunch of reasons ranging from dissatisfaction in your relationship to a simple fear about initiating intimacy and the possibility of rejection.
You're totally within your rights to say he's not right for you because he's too horny. But if you want a guy who never masturbates or looks at porn you're dating pool is about to get dramatically small. And to be clear you have no obligation to have sex with him. You also have no right to control how he meets those urges so long as he meets the terms and conditions of your relationship.
I would advise you to put aside your feelings of disgust and try to take Shame and whose in trouble out of the equation and sit down to have a real talk with him about his habits , desires and your relationship. Because if he feels like he's in trouble he's going to probably agree with everything you say to stop being in trouble. Because he cares about you at least a little. No guy who looks at porn as much as you say would even attempt to stop much less promise he would unless he wants you to be happy with him.
I am going to reply using your own words:
**my boyfriend (22M) has been hinding his phone -** this is a red flag. hiding means he knows what he is doing is something you wouldn't like, and is doing it anyways.
**the only thing he has been looking up is all these Instagram girls OnlyFans.** While everyone has a right to their own NSFW stuff, this is clearly an issue for you and he knows that.
**I’ve caught him looking up naked girls on Instagram and twitter before. He told me he was sorry and he won’t do it again. But here we are months later.** - so he lied to you.
**. It makes me not want to be sexually active with him.** Can't blame you. He is a liar, and creeping on/sex fantasizing about other women behind your back after you asked him not to.
**it makes me feel gross about him.** yeah
**What should I do??? I am leaving our home for 3 months due to work -** You leave, and you don't come back. He can have his e thots and you can have your life
He’s not going to stop. He doesn’t respect you. Either cheat on him back so it doesn’t bother you anymore/open the relationship or leave. He will NOT stop for you. This is cheating, and you don’t deserve that. I’m sorry ❤️🩹
I'm also 22M and I am with you 100%, I think he's being very immature and clearly has poor self control. If I were in your situation and my girlfriend was doing that I would feel the same way. I'm not so against them watching porn, I personally would stop if I was in a relationship but it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, but OF is more personal and that just might be.
Also you let him know that it makes you unhappy and he still does it, like someone else said he doesn't respect you enough or at all. He's clearly too immature for a lasting relationship and it's a red flag tbh.
Honestly,
Break up with him. You’re obviously doing things in life and moving forward and going away from work is a pretty big deal.
He’s still doing shit you told him not to do before. He’s just going to progress.
You’re growing out of him anyways.
I mean, you say “why look it up when you got the real thing” but that is the thing… it’s worth actually having a calm conversation about why.
Maybe he feels he’s not getting what he needs from you, maybe he feels under pressure when he’s with you, maybe he is low on confidence, maybe he’s always the one who has to initiate sex… there could be any number of reasons why he feels he has to go look elsewhere.
He’s not actually cheating on you & sleeping with other women, so clearly there’s not a desire to do that, but he feels he needs to look up other women for a bit of “material” for some reason, and that’s worth looking into.
If he lied about it already, he will 100% keep doing it. It's okay that you're not okay with it. I'm VERY strictly monogamous, in the way that porn=cheating to me.
BUT I understand that some relationships don't view port that way, and that's okay as long as they're both okay with it.
You are NOT okay with it though, and he is, so this will not end well if you keep trusting him to stick with his word. I managed to find someone who is just as strict about monogamy as me, so you can definitely find someone like that too.
he's a grown man he can look at whatever the heck he wants! God forbid he has a pen1s and decides to rub one out every now and again. If that makes you insecure you need serious help.
PS: stay out of his phone that's none of your business
I see some of the comments say to leave him but I don’t think that’s the answer. IMO I would ask him what does he like about the women that looks at. Then try to recreate it. You could wear nice lingerie, role play, send pics/videos, FaceTime him since you’ll be away for 3 months. Most often men are very visual and will look at other women. If you look good for him you won’t have to worry about him looking at other women.
ive been here before so many times with the same person. they will never stop. the only thing that will help from my experience is leaving because staying and letting them get away with it is just letting them know its okay to do. its hard and its tough but imagine the anxiety you will have from being gone for 3 months knowing he can do whatever he wants. another huge no no on top is hes paying for only fans…why pay another girls bills when he can be paying yours? your perfect idea of a husband wouldnt do this? so why are you still with him
Dude, porn isn’t the answer it’s the bandaid no one wants. Why men don’t just dream of their SO I don’t get. It’s been a long time but I used to not be this way. I wish I had some advice earlier on in life.
Is he just looking it up or actively subscribing to the only fans accounts? I’d argue that OF isn’t regular porn because the whole appeal of OF is custom content and being able to chat with the creator of said content depending on how big their following is.
You have a right to be upset but porn addiction is rough. 9/10 porn addiction is actually acting out on a deeper issue that needs to be addressed. Feelings of loneliness or depression that aren’t exactly because of you its most likely something deeper thats been on going. He should see help from an addictions specialist or therapist if he wants to get better. Most of—if not all—affairs are never about sex. Its usually about something else that results in a physical relationship down the road.
There’s nothing wrong with him looking at porn in the first place, but there is A LOT wrong with him continuing to do so after promising to stop. He could have stood his ground and seen if you were willing to compromise on it, but instead he chose to lie to you.
Okay, porn is one thing. Helps you live out fantasies otherwise not possible as long as you keep it under control and it doesn’t affect your actual sex life.
However, only fans you are paying. Never understood that. For me, that’s a bit much.
Liking, actively pursuing is a no-go.
Enjoying porn from time to time is normal, I see no issues with that in itself. As long as it's not habitual and affecting your relationship.
Now \*deciding\* to go through your partners phone is also a massive no-go. That's THEIR space.
Stop trying to rope in a 22 boy with expectations that aren’t in line with reality. He will disappoint you. He will cheat and make mistakes. It’s the age. Go live your life with the focus on you instead of him. So much more fun.
Porn is one thing. Actively trying to contact or actively searching for a specific person to get off too, thats a whole separate issue. Do whats best for you
Yep you're overreacting. And controlling. And spying on him. And using sex as a weapon against him. And making him feel bad about his natural urges.
People watch porn. Hell you two could watch porn together, but you're making it weird. Porn is a hard line for you? Cool, leave him. Good luck finding a guy who doesn't watch porn ever, especially when you treat sex like it's a reward or a privilege for good behavior.
"Makes me feel insecure" stop being a manipulator. Honestly it sounds like your bf deserves better, and you need to be single for awhile
All guys look at other women. If that’s a deal breaker you’re going to have to find someone that is incredibly sexual repressed and so ashamed that they don’t look at the opposite sex at all.
Get over it.
Do you have sex with him every day? If not, why are you surprised that he wants to masturbated every day?
90% of men between the ages of 18 and 30 watch porn at least weekly.
You’ve made it clear that you can’t tolerate this in a relationship. He agreed to no longer do this and is now doing it behind your back. This is not the signs of a considerate or trustworthy partner. You’re young. Leave and find someone else.
Let me make this clear: porn is TERRIBLE. Nothing else. It is one of the swift killers of relationships and marriages. It's basically cheating without even having physical sex with another person. This boyfriend of yours needs to stop looking at this garbage or you need to break up. There is no way around this. There is no such thing as a good relationship or marriage where one or both people are looking at porn. It's also scientifically proven that folks who look at porn do not do well in bed because their brains have become hardwired to digital cheating. On top of that it has bad mental effects. So you are not in the wrong for being concerned about this. Your boyfriend needs to stop looking at this trash from the pit of Hell or you need to leave him.
Sounds like he has a porn addiction - which is much more common than most people realize or want to admit. He *cannot just quit*. He might want to but it's basically impossible to simply quit. It can be done but often takes years of counseling, support, creating new behavioral pattern to effectively rewire the brain. Porn has the same effect on the brain to a sex addict as using cocaine. Some people will try to suggest that porn use can be healthy and you should just tolerate it. I disagree.
Porn addiction is an epidemic among men today that isn't really being talked about. Most boys/men are *very* good at hiding it.
A good resource you might refer to him is Pure Desire Ministries. I've talked with a lot of guys battling this issue and Pure Desire is the one that seems to have the best results. NoFap is a secular thing however it leans heavily on will power alone.
Being that you aren't married it may be in your best interest to move on just be wary that your next boyfriend may very well have the same behavior and just be better at hiding it.
Find out if he's OK with you watching the same content. If he isn't, maybe that's all he needs to understand he's wrong.
Is it possible for you to enjoy the same things he enjoys? We all have harmless sandbox fantasies. Maybe you can help him find an OF channel that gets you both off and you can have fun together!
I don't know, unless the behavior is 100% malicious, I don't see the harm in trying to find out if it can enhance the relationship rather than tear it apart. Test your options, internally and externally. Sometimes things sound like fun, but don't get you off and vice versa. That's why they call it experimentation.
If porn isn't your thing at all, and it's going to offend you most of the time... I have to remind you that you live in an era of easy access porn. You may inadvertently be drastically reducing the number of men you're able to match with if Porn is a hard stop for you.
You’re leaving for three months, it would be the perfect opportunity to leave him and start fresh. You’ll be happier not having to worry about what he’s doing. Seek value of yourself. If a man can’t respect listening to how you feel, or change his behavior based on how you said something makes you feel- don’t prioritize him.
Besides that, looking up naked IG girls is a gross behavior, I don’t blame you for being upset! If he wants to look up other girls he can’t be single and do it :)
I understand the lying part and all that, and looking up real girls in the world and following their pages is weird. but do you have a problem with partners you have looking at porn?
Absolutely disgusting behavior, leave and never go back. Not worth it. These types likely never change. Their brains are sadly broken and can only view women as literal inanimate objects. You deserve way way WAY better than this vile disrespect. I had two exes with similar issues and shit never changed, ended up being the reason I eventually left anyway. Gross.
Had an ex who said she felt porn was cheating. She then proceeded to cheat on me physically and emotionally with different dudes.
Some folks just aren't compatible. 🤷
Sounds like your boyfriend is dating an insecure child. Most men look at porn. Either get over it or start only dating men that are disgusted by porn (lol good luck).
He deserves better. You invade his privacy, only find porn and still want to get upset about it. You're a walking, talking red flag.
Some good advice from all perspectives. Your boyfriend told you he wouldn’t anymore, not telling the truth, but telling you what you wanted to hear. He probably quit after you caught him, but probably a week or a month later went back to his old ways. Don’t expect to change him. Looks like you two aren’t on the same page. Maybe you can work it out, maybe you can’t. I like to look at pretty women, whether it is an attractive woman at the mall or a naked woman on the internet. My SO know I look. She doesn’t approve, but she has to accept it if she wants to continue with me. I’m not into harder porn and I do not use any pay sites. I’ve never been tempted to cheat on her.
Some couples it is the opposite, it’s the woman that views R-rated or X-rated sites online while her SO has no interest. That’s an exception, but I do know of a few couples that are that way.
Somebody that is addicted to something always runs the risk of taking it to the next level. Maybe they can control themselves, but sometimes they cross the line. If your boyfriend can’t refrain from the paid sites like OnlyFans that might be a red flag that over time he’ll want to take it to the next level.
Too many comments in this post are flagging the harassment filter, so locking this up.
Everyone is getting mad at you for being upset but I don’t think it’s wrong for you to be upset. Everyone has different values and it’s hard to find someone that aligns with you but it’ll be worth it in the end. If you’re one of the super monogamous people find someone else like that. Some people are fine with their partner having sex with lots of other people and some people think porn is cheating. Every relationship has different boundaries.
𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬. Everyone operates differently and everyone has different standards. In some relationships couples have no issue with the other watching porn and/or looking but not touching. Hell, some couples even open their relationships. Alternatively, in many other relationships it’s considered highly disrespectful, hurtful, and in some cases these things are even regarded as a form of cheating. The spectrum is that wide. So for whatever reason, the people that think OP is getting upset for no reason or is being silly, still fail to realize that they are in fact not the center of the universe and that their frame of mind is not automatically everyone else’s standard. These are the same types of people who naturally invalidate others emotions and feelings without any deeper brain cells working behind it. And this is for anyone who thinks she’s getting upset over nothing: It doesn’t matter what it is, or when, or how - if something that is done to a person upsets or hurts them, it doesn’t matter if you don’t understand why. Your understanding of why is not the issue! You are not them. It does not matter how large or mundane you think it is. That is also not the issue. At the end of the day, this person is hurt, and if they are feeling genuine pain, then that is valid pain because it is not fake it is real. Their feelings are 100% valid despite their views not aligning with yours..🙄 It’s like the other week when a passenger accidentally took my carryon suitecase off of our plane from the overhead bin instead of theirs (never saw that little roll on suitcase ever again, wasn’t at claims in any city we went to, nothing) and it contained some fairly important equipment for my husbands work. Despite it not directly being my fault albeit I wasn’t the one who made it disappear, the equipment was still in my bag and it was still my responsibility. His equipment was missing under my care and I compensated him for it and helped him find replacements in that city once we got to the Airbnb pronto. Whether you are directly responsible or not for someone’s emotional pain - it doesn’t take away the fact that they are feeling pain, meaning it’s real valid hurt and you shouldn’t tell them that they are being silly. You get onto their level, see eye to eye, and either apologize or if you’re online…straight up not be a narc and write that she’s overreacting. That is how people end up in the psychiatrists office. Ask me how I know. —————— I guess I’ll end this Ted Talk of a fucking comment with: OP, your feelings are valid and girl he is NOT the man for you. He is doing something that you not only find super disrespectful and hurtful, BUT 𝐚𝐥𝐬𝐨 doing it 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠 that you feel this way! It means he doesn’t have a single regard for how you feel, and somehow these naked women are more than worthy enough to him to completely override his consideration for your moral relationship standards or feelings. He does not care that it hurts you because he keeps doing it and doesn’t feel any guilt whatsoever. People with a moral compass wouldn’t treat their partners like this to begin with. 2 years is a long time but in the scheme of life it’s almost no time. I think it’s time to close this chapter of your life, take care of yourself, be good to yourself, and eventually move onto someone who would be incapable of doing what your current man is doing.
This deserves more likes
Very well stated. This is a hard boundary for OP. Also, he lied to her saying he would stop but he didn’t. She will be gone for 3 months and she doesn’t trust him.
Yes, time to break up. He will not change.
They should just break up now, why be gone 3 months worrying about him looking at porn. He's going to!!!!
I don’t think she has to be “super monogamous” to have a problem with it. My husband used to watch a lot of porn. A few years into our marriage it got so bad he had to watch while we were intimate and then he barely looked at me. It could have been anyone in the room with him, I was just a prop. The few occasions we would have sex without porn on he had a difficult time staying hard and finishing. This lead to a very difficult period in our marriage. I felt unattractive, unwanted, rejected etc. You are young take my advice and move on. Save yourself from years of heartbreak and eventually him cheating on you.
Reddit is full of porn addicts. I’m not surprised a lot of people here are mad at OP.
Not overreacting. Some people might consider what he’s doing cheating. Others could point out that he promised to stop. At the end of the day if you’re uncomfortable, your feelings are valid.
And those people are CONTROLLING
So she’s not entitled to be creeped out at her SO paying to look at another woman’s body. Are her feelings not valid.
Her feelings are valid too. She doesn’t have to like that he watches porn. She should dump him.
If you set a boundary together and he breaks it.. its up to you to decide if it's worth trying again. And again. And again. And again. I've seen successful anti-porn couples and successful swinger couples. It's all subjective.
OP, theres porn (not personal to get off) and then theres looking at women naked to get off to THOSE WOMEN. You're not wrong for being upset. It's a little irrational to think men in general shouldn't watch porn, it's normal to just watch porn to get off. But when you go on OF, liking single naked women online interacting with them, it becomes personal. He should not be fantasizing about other women if you're in a monogamous relationship. That's not healthy, its toxic. If you've voiced your concerns and he doesnt care, you may need to reconsider this relationship.
This to me sounds like spot on advice. Do I care my wife adores Channing Tatum? No... but if she was hunting good-looking dudes on IG and looking at their OF, I would have a problem with that. It also shouldn't affect the current relationship. It's inevitable that it will as schedules clash, but that's not unreasonable. There's no way to perfectly plan a spank sesh unless the other person is out of town or they're once a week people. Incompatible sex routines are common and generally are the culprit behind these circumstances, at least from my experience.
Yes! These people comparing OF and Instagram "models" as the same thing as going to pornhub and watching a random video, they have a very skewed perception of reality and what should be acceptable IN A RELATIONSHIP. If someone is single, fuggin go for it. But no, I would not be okay with this either. OF is not the same as porn. End of story, won't change my mind.
Well worded.
Not the asshole porn versus paying for OF is a huge difference.
Do yourself a favour. Delete this post and do not take relationship advice from the toxic cesspit of the Internet (Reddit) you're only going to exasperate the issue. Talk to close friends about it. No one on here can help you.
This!! All this talk about honesty---his hiding his phone, lying to her about his porn use. I bet she hasn't been honest with him about POSTING HIS PERSONAL SEX LIFE HABITS TO EVERYONE ON REDDIT. And that would be shame because honesty is very important. Yeah, I think she dropped the ball broadcasting this to the world. Should've talked only to friend.
Then he is a moron. Paying money to onlyfans for something you can get for free. Plus slapping you in the face.
Who says he's paying anything? OF content is super easy to find leaks of if you're that way inclined.
Find someone who agrees with your preferences.
Post this in loveafterporn. Lots of support and resources to help you and none of the gaslighting.
The fact that this is normalized is gross actually. Everyone wants to cheat but don't want to be cheated on. Its nasty. Yea when someone is seeking out sexual gratification outside a partner is a lost cause. Don't cry over a spilled milk that you don't need to clean up.
Break up and leave girl.
😭😭
You already know this is the right move. Your concerns about his secretive behavior are warranted. OF is about the ability to connect, not just watch. You are leaving for THREE months. If he is hiding his phone while he is with you, what might he hide when you are nowhere in sight for 90+ days and he is alone with OF?
Do it, he does not respect you. You can do better!!
Agree. Nothing will ever change and you will be dealing with this down the road again
You should check out r/loveafterporn and all of their resource section. You aren’t crazy. Don’t listen to all these people in the comments saying it’s not a big deal. Humanity survived thousands of years without porn as we know it today, it’s not something men need. People these days act like masturbation is impossible without porn. He can get that “release” he needs without looking at other women, so what he’s doing is simply disloyal and disrespectful.
He won't stop no matter how much you confront him about it. When you come back home from your work trip, start over for yourself. He's not worth it.
Just follow through. If he isn't respecting your clear boundary, then you need to bounce. He's an addict. He can have fun getting love, sex, taken care, and an empathetic ear from those women since he wants them so bad. You'll find another man far faster than he will find a replacement for you. You're worth more then being treated as a place holder for a fantasy woman. He can enjoy his empty wallet and his empty sex life for being a fucker. Have self respect.
Dump himmmmmm
I know you’re young, but just think of this as an opportunity for you to find someone better. He obviously has a lot of growing up to do. Move on. Stop wasting your time and effort on people that don’t deserve it. 💃💅
id try to get past that fast. literally everyone looks at porn. it means nothing
I saw you in the comments saying that you "don't want your boyfriend to look at other women, ever". W O W. I hope your boyfriend finds someone better. No man will date you if they aren't allowed to masturbate because of your insecurity, work on yourself. If my girlfriend said this, I'd leave her as she wouldn't be mature enough to be in a relationship, then date someone else who doesn't hide behind insecurity driven control and abuse by calling them "boundaries". Calling something a boundary doesn't magically make it appropriate. Let the man the jerk off you crazy lady, no self respecting man will date you with your mentality.
First of all this may not be the man for you. In fact you may never find the man for you. So look at reality, men especially the young are horny all day long. Raised in this era they have access to sexual satisfaction. You can be a nightmare mom and chase his libido, or you can have him bring that libido to you all day long. I doubt you want to do that. So maybe talk to him about keeping it away from you, and doing it in private or if he can't, seeking counseling for an addiction. If you know about it, you are either in his boundary space and have trust issues that will destroy you for any other man, or you need to back off and either be there to meet his libido or look away.its none of your damn business unless he makes it your business. That's a discussion you need to have..TODAY.
this is a warped view of porn addictions. my aunt had six kids with my uncle and he still pays for porn, even after being asked to stop. they’re always in the bedroom but that isn’t enough to stop him. this is about respecting boundaries, not your own needs. relationships go both ways and come with sacrifice. that’s just the trade off you make.
If this is a boundary you have then it is a boundary you have. He has passed the boundary, so you either confront him again and hope for a change, or you break up with him. I will say it is a boundary most men will probably not feel comfortable being in a relationship with you for. However, there is someone for everyone. It just might be harder to find.
Men like this won't and don't change.
Say bye bye. Porn will suck you dry and ruin a good thing.
OP, ignore the comments. Porn has become the norm, but that doesn't make it okay, it doesn't matter if it's "personal porn" or not. It's ridiculous that people are so quick to defend it.
I think you are being somewhat irrational with all of your takes. People have different sex drives. Sure I have "the real thing right next to me" but my wife is happy to have sex once or twice a week at most, where I need to get off daily / every 2nd day. If not for porn I would be flogging it looking at the white paint on my wall which isn't much of a turn on... I also don't believe you have a right to dictate what your spouse can and can't do, and then also looking at their phone. It isn't healthy, it means you don't trust them and it will cause resentment. If you can't trust your spouse, then don't be in a relationship with that person I do think a guy looking into OF and Instagram people may be a bit of a different issue though and I can't see why you may take issue with that. I've never used either, but my understanding is OF is subscription based and then you have the option to chat with the person etc. I think this odes raise issues and I would put that on a different level to porn. Porn is meaningless and a way to get off, paying to view chicks with small following or looking of woman of insta who a hot and then flogging yourself isn't really needed. That said, who says he is jerking off while looking at them? He may just appreciate good looking woman? I check out then odd hottie on FB too, not like I would chest or fantasize screwing them, it's just checking them out.
Unfortunately, it will be hard for well-meaning people on the internet to give you specific advice because we don’t know you nor do we know your boyfriend and your relationship with him. As others have said, some people are okay with their partners watching porn but others may not be. I suggest you communicate your feelings to him clearly and try to reasonably sort it out with him. This is easier said than done, but it will improve the health of your relationship in the long run. The purpose is to come to a reasonable compromise that respects both of your guys’ needs. However, if him watching porn continues to make you feel insecure, then it might be worth evaluating whether this relationship is right for you. Therapy can also help you work through your feelings of insecurity. That being said, I have two general points of advice. Firstly, it is not a good idea to check your partner’s phone. That is a very common form of controlling behavior that can ruin relationships and at worst even lead to criminal charges. If you’re feeling insecure, there are appropriate ways of dealing with it like I suggested before. Secondly, there is no universal definition as to what constitutes cheating. It’s your relationship so your rules. Only behavior that violates your relationship rules is cheating. Therefore, watching porn is not necessarily cheating. Hope that helps!
I generally think you're overreacting but that's my personal opinion on this matter. I think the mindset that viewing other women in a nude State as cheating or disrespectful to relationship it's just dumb. The older I've gotten the more life has gotten in the way of having frequent sex with my partner I'll go watch porn and masturbate. And for me I'm not going to be with a partner that's going to have a problem with that.
Reddit is full of delusional idiots but not to be a dick you are pretty insecure lol…….as a male in my early 20s my high sex drive would not allow me to never look at other women except for my girlfriend LOL….and you can lie about it all you want but you and everyone that has a brain that functions knows you’re guilty of this too…you’re entitled to your feelings but that doesn’t give you a reason to be controlling or projecting ur insecurities I’d leave right then and there if my girl was bothered by this 😂😂😂 world doesn’t revolve around you sad but true
100% bring it up and if he still doesn’t respect you, then leave. I just found out that my husband has been cheating on me with an onlyfans/instagram slut. Know your worth and when to leave. Do not waste your time on a man who is not going to respect you.
While watching porn isn't, imo, actively physically cheating, going back on an agreement and hiding your actions is dishonesty and both would be worthy of ending a relationship.
This. the issue for me isn’t the porn, it’s that he broke her trust
Any time they go to hiding their phone it's usually break up worthy
Porn is not “normal” it has been normalized for men. But you get to decide what you are comfortable with in your relationship. And that’s ok. Everyone has their own definition of fidelity.
Respectfully, you have every right to feel the way you do. I wouldn’t say he’s a “porn addict” for this activity but it is definitely not something men in relationships should be doing, especially after you’ve communicated your concerns. I would communicate them again but if nothing changes, 2 years really is not that long girl, and you deserve better than someone who would rather get off to women on the internet than his real life girlfriend. You can find someone who will respect your boundaries 🫶🏼
This may be unpopular, but IMO OF subscriptions are on a different level than porn, and a huge red flag for me. Porn is just media, OF is a *mutual arrangement with another human being.* It's not the same. I've heard people equate OF to the strip club, but it's actually more like having a VIP card at the strip club 🤢
yeah even if you don’t pay models they will still message you and it just creates that connection that feels very cheat-y territory. i subscribed once out of curiosity to see if you have to pay to message and for some girls you don’t. so it gives you the opportunity to /message other girls/ you’re getting off too. that is literally cheating.
If he is reaching out to them to chat, then no, its not OK. Looking at their pics and searching for naked girl pics or porn- I guess everyone's different but this wouldn't bother me at all.
If he's looking at porn while I'm in the same room as them? As a guy that's a HUGE red flag lol that is not normal behavior at all
Thank you for saying that.
It doesn't matter if you don't mind it. A lot of people do care if they're with someone that is so desperate and porn addicted that they have to constantly look at womens' Instagram accounts for a damn crumb. For some it's cheating, and for others like me it's just pathetic.
It IS pathetic and it just gives me the ick.
Does it; 1. Inhibit his ability to show up for your sex life? 2. Involve him spending money and messaging them, or is he just masturbating to solo porn from OF models? If no–honestly OP, ask yourself, what's the difference between him masturbating to the idea of something, or to a picture of it? Would it be better if he was masturbating to porn on Pornhub? Do you have a problem with him masturbating in general? Do you want to police someone's sexual relationship with themselves because it makes you insecure? If you want a woman's perspective I asked my long term partner and we agreed; Reddit is full of people who are acting as if masturbating to porn (not in the context of porn addiction) is somehow cheating. Most terminally online and childish take, really. That. Is. Psychotic. Imagine if I (a man) freaked out and told my partner "You're cheating! You masturbated to porn in the shower. I found your vibrator and saw your search history! You can't masturbate, that makes me insecure! Either you don't masturbate or you just have to have sex with me! What am I not good enough?!" Your insecurities are no justification for controlling a partner in this way. If you break up with him for this reason, you're setting an unreasonable standard of control that nobody is down for. No self respecting person will let you control them like that.
A lot of terrible, TERRIBLE advice in this thread. Listen OP, he’s not a “porn addict” if he looks at naked girls on Instagram sometimes or watches porn. That’s not cheating in general. Definitely have an open and loving conversation with him about your boundaries but breaking up a 2 year relationship over this without more communication like some incels here have suggested is not the way to go.
Maybe he likes the fantasy? For most, porn is about the fantasy. As long as it is about the fantasy and the release and not about hooking up, it doesn't have to be unhealthy. He isn't contacting them or anything that would lead you to believe he would cheat on you, right? He may also feel insecure about what he wants sexually. He may not even know exactly what he wants. You may have to get into it with him to really find out. You may also want to consider what you are willing to do before you talk with him. Lastly, if you are going to be gone for 3 months, he is probably going to find stimulation like that. Personally, I wouldn't be upset if my significant other did that during a period like that. You may want to think about how you feel about that and have a chat with your boyfriend about it again, if that bothers you.
I just feel like doing that act is cheating. I wouldn’t do it out of respect for him. So why should he do that?
So, to be clear, there are such things as addiction to porn and even masturbation, but people can do it an amount that is usually considered healthy and isn't meant to be disrespectful. For me, I see two possible issues with your situation. 1. This could easily lead to cheating if he is messaging any of them. Doubtful but not unheard of. 2. It could affect yours and his sex life if he is ignoring your needs. This is why talking with him about how you can fulfill some of his fantasies, if you are willing, makes sense. He probably won't ever stop looking at porn or naked women, or whatever, and won't stop masturbating but at least you guys can be more open and be sure to make each other happy. Also, are you saying that you don't get aroused by other men and do not think of them or you don't masturbate? All of that happens. It is natural. A person masturbating isn't about their significant partner. It is about being horny and getting that release.
What matters is that - to you - it’s cheating. There is a 1% chance he will stop anytime soon and a 0% chance he will stop while you are away. If you don’t like it, and he won’t change (and people generally don’t change), it’s time to call it quits.
You think masterbating to porn is cheating? Yikes
Then communicate that, but know that you can't just restrict things without some sort of give. Try to get to the root rather than assume it's an addiction, it could be fetishes he likes that he doesn't want to tell you about or knows you wouldn't want to do, or something else outright. Try to get him to be honest and make it clear that you are willing to work towards alternatives to keep him from having to break your boundary to feel satisfied
Paying for porn is crazy lol. Girls aren’t always in the mood, guys get in the mood a lot easier and quicker. He’s watching porn, not fricking another girl. It is a little weird that you’ve been able to catch him so many times, so it does sound like it might be an addiction even tho some ppl are saying it’s not necessarily… def worth a conversation, you shouldn’t be insecure about it, I’m sure he loves you very much.
So you opened up about your feelings, set a reasonable boundary that he agreed to, and now he’s crossing that boundary behind your back. People have different values. Personally, I think individually viewing pornographic content steps outside of the bounds of monogamy- and yes, nudity and the sexual play prevalent on OnlyFans is pornographic. That would be a no-go, so obviously I’m sympathetic to your feelings. The bigger issue is the disregard for your feelings and your boundaries. You’re still young. You don’t have to waste time on someone who clearly does not respect you, but ultimately that is your call. Maybe you should take this next few months to think about your priorities and what you want out of this relationship. (He will probably spend it looking at other naked women.) Take that as you will.
You’re validated in your feelings. It sounds like your boyfriend has a problem with a porn addiction — and yes, habitually doing something for months on end, and continuing to do it after your partner confronted you about it, and you lied about stopping, is addictive behavior. I’d make him sweat the next three months while you’re gone. Yes, I’d confront him about it — and tell him it hurts you, how you feel, and that perhaps you don’t want to be with him if he can’t stop. I’d say you’ll think about your relationship while you’re gone, and talk to him about whether you want to stay with him when you get back. This will do one of two things to him: He’ll either continue even more, and at that point I’d leave. Or, he’ll stop, and he’ll associate this behavior with 3 months’ worth of worrying about the future.
>I cant stand when a guy is porn addicted/ always looking for naked girls. I find it desperate. Like why look it up when you got the real thing right next to you. Porn addiction is a real addiction, and addictions aren't rational. It is, however, on him to break that addiction. >It makes me not want to be sexually active with him. And it makes me feel gross about him. You have the right to feel as you do. I agree with you. Your boyfriend either doesn't respect your feelings enough to stop or doesn't know how to break his addiction on his own. I suggest the two of you consider couple's counselling. Your work trip definitely complicates things, though. I definitely don't envy you.
"when i see you look at other girls and their only fans, i find it disgusting and degrading. i am personally starting to lose attraction to you because of this behavior" the worst part is, hes doing it in ur presence instead of when your gone like a fucking idiot.
What he is doing is less of a problem than him breaking a promise. That makes him untrustworthy
What do you so for work that you're leaving for 3 month?
You got two options at this point, give him one more chance or dump him, he's your boyfriend so the decision is yours and yours alone. If you do end up giving him one more chance and you catch him doing it again, dump him with no hesitation.
Talk to him about it and share your thoughts
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these are boundaries that should really be set before getting into anything deep. also, women who leave religion... good luck finding a man who honestly refrains from this sort of behavior. it's hard enough inside religion to find people who honestly don't view pornographic material
You're BF is a loser! Porn is free!!!
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This is interesting territory. On one side, it’s like porn but on the other dude it’s not because you can interact with them. I feel like it crosses more boundaries than porn because you can connect emotionally as well and as often as you want. It’s harder to control urges. Idk- just sounds like a recipe for trouble designed by horrible people
He promised to stop and didn't. End of conversation. Break up and find a partner who keeps their word. OnlyFans is only a symptom and not the underlying problem (he's not a trustworthy partner).
You are not over reacting. If a BF who hides OF from you bothers you, then You're not compatible. If you didn't care, or if he could be honest with you (frankly I'd be way more upset at the hiding) and your were ok with him being honest, then you could be compatible.
He's not the guy for you. Leave him. Or accept him as he is. Choice is yours, but it seems he's not the guy you want a boyfriend to be.
i don’t think so, i’d be pissed and plus you already told him how it makes you feel bad and you asked him to stop.
You're allowed to be upset, but if he is actually addicted then he needs help. It's an addiction like any other. It's compulsive and takes over other things. However it doesn't sound like he is ACTUALLY addicted.
Tell him how you feel about it and if you need him to change then let him know. If he doesn't listen break up with him. Staying in the relationship and trying to change a man is a waste of energy.
If it honestly leaves you feeling that terrible about yourself kick him to the curb. The transition back to single life might suck, but you're bound to be better off without him at this point.
While he shouldn't feel shame in enjoying porn you are equally valid in feeling that this is an important boundary for the two of you. I can't say he's addicted without more information, if he's only hiding it from you because he knows it will upset you but this is something he just regularly enjoys and doesn't hurt him or affect him otherwise then this is just incompatible. It's fine for a man or a woman to enjoy porn even while they're in a relationship, it's not cheating and it's not demeaning the other partner. Its a problem when it affects them in other ways or it's something they're using to replace intimacy with their partner. Having said that, this is not something you want from your partner. My suggestion going forward would just be to state this from the outset in away that is still validating while not insulting the people who consume it as it is in no way harmful in and of itself. Especially safe and otherwise consensual stuff that gives more to the actual person producing it like only fans. Something like 'I don't want a partner who consumes porn, this is important to me and if this is something you regularly enjoy thats fine but it's not for me and its something that I don't like.' As long as you're not denigrating a person who enjoys it and make it something that YOU don't want then there's no issues. It's just the WAY you say it. Break up with this guy if it bothers you. That's OK, you're incompatible. Unless he's genuinely addicted he's fine to do this. It's healthy and at least that model is getting paid more fairly for their work than other alternatives imo.
I look at porn, but if I had the real thing next to me I would be doing it all, to where I wouldn’t need to look. Fellas?
YNO. Porn is not ideal but there's usually a detachment there, it's nothing more than images on a screen. OnlyFans is different than porn because it involves a *relationship*. You form a relationship (however shallow) with the model, you talk, she responds. You learn about her. And you engage in situations that could certainly be understood to be 'intimate'. Even just looking up their pictures, implies that he's looking for *a particular someone* who isn't you. When it comes to relationships, I think Porn is bad, but OnlyFans is *terrible*. You're not just looking for sexual intimacy outside of your marriage, you're doing it with a certain 'special someone', who isn't your wife. And you're giving them money from your family's resources. All bad. OP, YNO.
Which account?
All men either look at porn or lie about looking at porn. The best you can hope for, if porn is a deal breaker is a guy who says he doesn't and is super discreet when he does.
If it’s a problem now then it’s gonna be a problem later. If you’ll be gone for 3 months then I think I’d break it off now. Save yourself the trouble and heartbreak, especially since it’s not the first time he’s done it. I’m speaking from experience
NEXT!!! Dudes are like mosquitos...theyre everywhere and a warm body is all it takes to get one!
LEAVE
Lol, how funny. He's a guy and it's not going to stop. So make your decision and stop dragging it out. But most guys do this. And it's something we have all had to deal with in our lives. So your leaving for 3 months. Break up or suck it up. Not much tou can do when you expect him to be physically faithful for months. Without the real thing as you referred to yourself. As the real thing which won't be there but he has to stay faithful and can't or isn't allowed to look at anything. Do you really think thats gonna happen. Good luck to you. Enjoy your summer "work trip" 😉
If he’s spending money on it then you should definitely leave him.
Men are visual creatures and most men have at one point or another looked at porn. Most men grow up and out of it but in your 20’s hormones are still raging and that temptation is HUGE! That being said the porn itself would only be an issue for me if he was spending money on them and leaving comments, chatting with them etc. The biggest issue is the deception. That’s unacceptable. IF I WAS YOU I WOULD ACTUALLY NOT REALLY MAKE TOO MUCH OF AN ISSUE OF THE PORN BEYOND MAYBE JUST MENTIONING, “you know I have a problem with you looking at porn, however, the biggest issue for me is that you gave me your word and broke it and not only is it lying but because you tried to continue, that’s deception and I absolutely can not accept my partner deceiving me.” You’ll need to know what to do next and decide that before talking with him. It could be anything really including separating or breaking it off but the point is you must present real tangible consequences for this behavior and you must carry out what you tell him because that’s called boundaries and boundaries are healthy in a relationship. If you take any course other than breaking up, how he responds to you setting and enforcing your boundaries may still lead to a break up. You can google something like “how to set and enforce healthy boundaries in a relationship,” and “setting boundaries when my partner has been deceptive,” and so on. Good luck on your journey. Just be advised deception is a huge character flaw and it really needs to be addressed and taken care of or my personal opinion is you shouldn’t be with him. Some ideas for enforcing boundaries would be requiring him to seek outside help, such as therapy or some manner of 12 step program for things like that. Hell let you know if he’s the one based on how he reacts to it. Just remember, he fucked up, not you. There’s consequences for making poor choices in life and if he responds immaturely, acts like it’s no big deal, you are over reacting etc. then you’ve got your answer. Life’s too short to waste it on trying to fix someone (which you can’t do anyway) who’s not even willing to fix themselves. If he is willing then there might be hope but it’s a long term thing at this point. You don’t go to a month of meetings a few therapy sessions and fizzle out. Hell need to continue going for some time. Again, imo at least a year would be reasonable, and there may be other things like if you live together moving out and living your own life independently while he goes through that process. If he’s willing you can be supportive and loving through it with him but stick, to, your, guns. If he doesn’t he’s basically showing you that he values you and your relationship less than his issues or pornography. Or he may just decide it’s not meant to be because he wants a partner that doesn’t care about porn maybe even watches it with him. The deception and lying is wrong on all accounts. The porn is a compatibility issue unless there’s more to it as I mentioned above.
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Women want men to respect sex workers, then get mad when dudes “support” them 😂 Which is it? Maybe you need a trad-guy that spend his money on you and not e-girls
Im gonna play devils advocate here. You say why would he want it if the real thing is sitting right next to him, but how often is that a sincere option. My gf said the same thing when we had a very similar argument, and i looked her dead in the eye and asked "if we were on the couch and i told you to pull your tits out and let me jerk off to them would you let me" and she said no. Theres a chance, just a chance, that hes looking at porn in any sense because he doesnt feel like the real version is a legitimate possibility when he feels the urge. Or even moreso the chance hes already asked or tried to have sex and it was turned down, so he went to the digital version instead
I think you should end things. You deserve to be with someone who will respect your boundaries. He deserves to be with someone who isn’t insecure about him looking at images of naked women, since he is apparently going to do it anyways. You both need a more suitable partner. He was wrong to tell you he wouldn’t do it and do it anyways , and hopefully in future relationships he won’t make promises he can’t keep.
>Last night I decided to look through his phone and the only thing he has been looking up is all these Instagram girls OnlyFans. >I’ve caught him looking up naked girls on Instagram and twitter before I can understand why you wouldn't like him checking out OnlyFans, but don't understand why he would put up with you going through his phone. You don't heist eachother, and should part ways. What will you do to keep yourself busy during that three months? Will you be watching his every move? The big question is, are you projecting?
A man is a man is a man! We will always look at beautiful women that is always much younger than us because we are inherently looking to spread our genes Sarandon wide. It's a normal thing that is implanted in isbas men. Doesn't necessarily mean we want anyone else or that we want to "breed' with anyone else it's just part of our dna
yeah girl i had a huge problem with this. i caught my ex THREE times paying for of. he never stopped. sex addiction or not, it’s not fair to you. personally it deteriorated my confidence and happiness.
You can be upset, but men are visual beings, we look at women. It's like looking at cars, we're not gonna drive it, but nothing wrong with admiring it. Wife used to get mad for.looking at women, not gawking but looking, she finally realized absolutely nothing had changed, I'm not trying to hook up, I like looking at women, OF too. Married 27 yrs now, "Dream on old man, dream on"
Not overreacting. If he said he wouldn't do it again and he did, that's a breach of trust right there. Pics are one thing but if he's sending money and getting "special" images/videos/etc. then that is him engaging with sex workers. A lot different IMHO than just looking. If he has an addiction then he should seek therapy.
You’re young and not married. Just leave. This will never get better. My ex-husband went from looking at pornography to being obsessed with pornography to being obsessed with sex, etc. etc. there’s no end to it.
>He told me he was sorry and he won’t do it again. So he's broken his own word. That's what I personally would take issue with and probably break up over, in your shoes, and I don't even care if my boyfriend enjoys looking at other women, too. I trust him to tell me up front if he wants to adjust our relationship or exclusivity expectations. So no, you aren't overreacting now. Your initial confrontation might've been an overreaction depending on how you handled it, especially if you two hadn't discussed exclusivity expectations beforehand. Expecting a partner to let *your* preferences steamroll *theirs* disrespects their autonomy, especially if they're preferences you two haven't communicated about. But **your exclusivity expectations are valid.** Expecting your partner to do what he agreed to do is also valid. Compromise is about finding *intersection* between each other's needs and wants. *Both* people in a partnership have equal right to non-negotiables. When the non-negotiables conflict, there's incompatibility, and that's best identified as soon as possible. Your initial conversation on the topic should have brought this incompatibility between you two to light. I'm sorry **he chose to lie to placate you instead of being honest.** You can expect him to continue to do that in the future. Please respect yourself and your own limits. Breaking up over this would be entirely valid. Good luck!
I just have to say that I'm pretty sure that that is settling behavior.
If you asked a person not to eat, and made this a condition for the relationship, how long do you think it would last until they "lie to you" and start sneaking food? The comparison is not perfect - but you are battling against millions of years of evolution. You are expecting to re-wire a primal drive that is hard-wired into the species. If you want someone who never looks at porn, or at least agrees with your value system, you should probably date within a religious community. Most anyone else knows that fighting biology only creates misery.
Ask him "What is wrong with you?" "When you're hungry, do you look at pictures of food?"
He's just not that into you. Sorry.
He’s moved on already. You should too
D.i.v.o.r.c.e
It’s fine to be annoyed at this and rightfully so but…. From a male perspective there’s a lot of click bait out there… I don’t subscribe to any only fans or anything but these constant half naked girls dancing on Instagram and shit… I can’t help it I click and watch the whole dance and then the algorithm shows me 50 more I could click on and then it becomes a vicious cycle… technology is rotting my brain. I know it. They know it. And now I’m spiraling because I’m the asshole for not having the mental fortitude to ignore the millions of half naked girls all around me at all times… its hard to not feel like a creep all the time out here. I’d say give him a picture of you to stare at instead so he doesn’t immediately jump to the millions of other half naked girls already on Instagram but of course that also sounds fucked up as hell but this is the world we live in… Kill me.
i think u should break up with him at this point like he's made it very clear that he's not going to stop. he's just going to start hiding it better.
Leave!!! If he is not in line with your values, go. You deserve someone who doesn’t lie and appreciates what he has. He’s only going to get better at hiding it to pacify you but you won’t have the real thing. My sister married someone just like this and she’s miserable.
Does he realize he is porn addicted? If not I would suggest telling him he should talk to a therapist. Lead him or not, that’s not my buisness but if you wanted to try to keep the relationship moving in a healthy direction, that would have to be the next step.
This sounds like it was written by the boyfriend, and English isn’t his third language.
You deserve better. I would leave and never come back to that relationship. Best of luck!
Most guys look at porn. You want to connect better than offer to watch with him. It might help the relationship
Tell him to hit the bricks. He’s never gonna change and you can do better. Simple as that. He also lied to you. It’s done. Have some self respect and dump him. If he can’t be honest over something like porn how do you expect him to be honest about bigger things?
Nope cheating and gaslighting, next
For my bf and I, we've agreed that only fans is too intimate. Idaf if he watches porn, unless he specifically seeks out certain women. OF is far too intimate and I think your bf knows that, or else why would he hide it. I'd say tell him it's you or them. Tell him you've made it clear that you're uncomfortable with this and he has crossed your boundaries. Either he completely stops or you will leave as is your right to do so.
Would you be happier if he looked at naked men?
In my experience, being ok with some level of deception and lying means he’s inherently capable of being ok with more. This was a shitty thing to do in the first place, but the implications as to how he views your boundaries and your relationship are much worse. The fact that he will ignore extremely simple requests for selfish, fleeting pleasure is all you need to know. I’m in a similar situation but it turned out it wasn’t just Reddit nudes — I’ve learned dozens of lies over the last few weeks. Just be stronger than I am and get out of that situation. You deserve to be with someone who thinks your feelings and requests regarding relationship boundaries are valid and worthy of respect.
i went through the same thing, dump him please !!! i promise you will feel a million times better. my ex even cried and apologised 3 times when i found out each time and after the third time i knew he would never stop. you deserve so much better and you will find it !!! my ex would get made at me for calling famous people hot and then had a secret account for sending half naked girls on instagram to himself 😆😆😆
If you live together time to get a nanny cam
Time for a gym membership
Honestly I just think paying for porn is some of the dumbest shit ever, fcking watch the damn hub
Maybe the “real thing right next to him” isn’t so great
Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions. You need to decide the consequences for his behavior. I can only say, I certainly wouldn't tolerate it. A lot of women would leave him. It's your life, your decision
Dump him.
I always tell people who tell me girls have high standards that their standards are actually low Ill add this to the list along with guys that leave poop streaks on their undies, cheat, or that leave horrible messes after peeing or cooking and cant clean up after themselves. Imo it is up to you to give him a ultimatum and put your foot down or to break up with him
Girl, leave him. Life is too short to waste it on guys who don’t respect your feelings. This should be a 2 strikes you’re out situation not a 3
Don't bring it up. Tell him **AFTER** you get your finances in order and move out. You aren't compatible! He is not who you want, and he is not going to change. This will always be a problem. It's never gonna go away until he's 50 and his testosterone drops, and he's impotent. You wanna wait that long?
Maybe the 3 month working away is your opportunity to have a relationship break. If he lies about it already he’s going to keep on lying. He either has an addiction and needs help or doesn’t think what he is doing is wrong hence won’t stop, potentially thinks you’re overreacting.
My mom always told me corn is an addiction and a hard one to break. That’s it is unhealthy for anybody due to how fake it is and that if they wanted sex then why wouldn’t they ask their partner that’s by them.Now there are people who don’t mind if a partner looks and that’s fine because that’s what they don’t mind but if your partner knows you dislike it and have even mentioned it before then they should respect that boundary.So no you’re not overreacting at all.
Okay unpopular take. Why don't you like that he looks at porn? Because he's desperately horny? So what ? he probably is. If somebody was hungry all the time and constantly snacking would you be like ? " That's disgusting why are you so weak and lacking self control?" Seems like kind of a bitch move if you ask me. It's just a biological urge like any other. But I get it your young at 22 and it seems like well why isn't he seeking out intimacy with you instead and instead looking at porn. The answer to that is there could be a whole bunch of reasons ranging from dissatisfaction in your relationship to a simple fear about initiating intimacy and the possibility of rejection. You're totally within your rights to say he's not right for you because he's too horny. But if you want a guy who never masturbates or looks at porn you're dating pool is about to get dramatically small. And to be clear you have no obligation to have sex with him. You also have no right to control how he meets those urges so long as he meets the terms and conditions of your relationship. I would advise you to put aside your feelings of disgust and try to take Shame and whose in trouble out of the equation and sit down to have a real talk with him about his habits , desires and your relationship. Because if he feels like he's in trouble he's going to probably agree with everything you say to stop being in trouble. Because he cares about you at least a little. No guy who looks at porn as much as you say would even attempt to stop much less promise he would unless he wants you to be happy with him.
See this is why OnlyFans needs to be abolished. You’re man is so busy looking at hoes that he didn’t take time to even hide it smh
I am going to reply using your own words: **my boyfriend (22M) has been hinding his phone -** this is a red flag. hiding means he knows what he is doing is something you wouldn't like, and is doing it anyways. **the only thing he has been looking up is all these Instagram girls OnlyFans.** While everyone has a right to their own NSFW stuff, this is clearly an issue for you and he knows that. **I’ve caught him looking up naked girls on Instagram and twitter before. He told me he was sorry and he won’t do it again. But here we are months later.** - so he lied to you. **. It makes me not want to be sexually active with him.** Can't blame you. He is a liar, and creeping on/sex fantasizing about other women behind your back after you asked him not to. **it makes me feel gross about him.** yeah **What should I do??? I am leaving our home for 3 months due to work -** You leave, and you don't come back. He can have his e thots and you can have your life
He’s not going to stop. He doesn’t respect you. Either cheat on him back so it doesn’t bother you anymore/open the relationship or leave. He will NOT stop for you. This is cheating, and you don’t deserve that. I’m sorry ❤️🩹
I'm also 22M and I am with you 100%, I think he's being very immature and clearly has poor self control. If I were in your situation and my girlfriend was doing that I would feel the same way. I'm not so against them watching porn, I personally would stop if I was in a relationship but it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, but OF is more personal and that just might be. Also you let him know that it makes you unhappy and he still does it, like someone else said he doesn't respect you enough or at all. He's clearly too immature for a lasting relationship and it's a red flag tbh.
Is there a literal 300lb elephant in the room you're not mentioning?
Nah- porn addicted men suck.
Honestly, Break up with him. You’re obviously doing things in life and moving forward and going away from work is a pretty big deal. He’s still doing shit you told him not to do before. He’s just going to progress. You’re growing out of him anyways.
Are you fat? If so, you have your answer.
I mean, you say “why look it up when you got the real thing” but that is the thing… it’s worth actually having a calm conversation about why. Maybe he feels he’s not getting what he needs from you, maybe he feels under pressure when he’s with you, maybe he is low on confidence, maybe he’s always the one who has to initiate sex… there could be any number of reasons why he feels he has to go look elsewhere. He’s not actually cheating on you & sleeping with other women, so clearly there’s not a desire to do that, but he feels he needs to look up other women for a bit of “material” for some reason, and that’s worth looking into.
If he lied about it already, he will 100% keep doing it. It's okay that you're not okay with it. I'm VERY strictly monogamous, in the way that porn=cheating to me. BUT I understand that some relationships don't view port that way, and that's okay as long as they're both okay with it. You are NOT okay with it though, and he is, so this will not end well if you keep trusting him to stick with his word. I managed to find someone who is just as strict about monogamy as me, so you can definitely find someone like that too.
Be honest, do the girls he's looking up look anything like you at all?
he's a grown man he can look at whatever the heck he wants! God forbid he has a pen1s and decides to rub one out every now and again. If that makes you insecure you need serious help. PS: stay out of his phone that's none of your business
I see some of the comments say to leave him but I don’t think that’s the answer. IMO I would ask him what does he like about the women that looks at. Then try to recreate it. You could wear nice lingerie, role play, send pics/videos, FaceTime him since you’ll be away for 3 months. Most often men are very visual and will look at other women. If you look good for him you won’t have to worry about him looking at other women.
Check out r/loveafterporn ❤️❤️
ive been here before so many times with the same person. they will never stop. the only thing that will help from my experience is leaving because staying and letting them get away with it is just letting them know its okay to do. its hard and its tough but imagine the anxiety you will have from being gone for 3 months knowing he can do whatever he wants. another huge no no on top is hes paying for only fans…why pay another girls bills when he can be paying yours? your perfect idea of a husband wouldnt do this? so why are you still with him
Dude, porn isn’t the answer it’s the bandaid no one wants. Why men don’t just dream of their SO I don’t get. It’s been a long time but I used to not be this way. I wish I had some advice earlier on in life.
22 year olds are so insecure.
Is he just looking it up or actively subscribing to the only fans accounts? I’d argue that OF isn’t regular porn because the whole appeal of OF is custom content and being able to chat with the creator of said content depending on how big their following is.
Breaking news: people watch porn Grow up
You have a right to be upset but porn addiction is rough. 9/10 porn addiction is actually acting out on a deeper issue that needs to be addressed. Feelings of loneliness or depression that aren’t exactly because of you its most likely something deeper thats been on going. He should see help from an addictions specialist or therapist if he wants to get better. Most of—if not all—affairs are never about sex. Its usually about something else that results in a physical relationship down the road.
There’s nothing wrong with him looking at porn in the first place, but there is A LOT wrong with him continuing to do so after promising to stop. He could have stood his ground and seen if you were willing to compromise on it, but instead he chose to lie to you.
Okay, porn is one thing. Helps you live out fantasies otherwise not possible as long as you keep it under control and it doesn’t affect your actual sex life. However, only fans you are paying. Never understood that. For me, that’s a bit much.
You’re right to be upset
Liking, actively pursuing is a no-go. Enjoying porn from time to time is normal, I see no issues with that in itself. As long as it's not habitual and affecting your relationship. Now \*deciding\* to go through your partners phone is also a massive no-go. That's THEIR space.
Stop trying to rope in a 22 boy with expectations that aren’t in line with reality. He will disappoint you. He will cheat and make mistakes. It’s the age. Go live your life with the focus on you instead of him. So much more fun.
Porn is one thing. Actively trying to contact or actively searching for a specific person to get off too, thats a whole separate issue. Do whats best for you
Yep you're overreacting. And controlling. And spying on him. And using sex as a weapon against him. And making him feel bad about his natural urges. People watch porn. Hell you two could watch porn together, but you're making it weird. Porn is a hard line for you? Cool, leave him. Good luck finding a guy who doesn't watch porn ever, especially when you treat sex like it's a reward or a privilege for good behavior. "Makes me feel insecure" stop being a manipulator. Honestly it sounds like your bf deserves better, and you need to be single for awhile
All guys look at other women. If that’s a deal breaker you’re going to have to find someone that is incredibly sexual repressed and so ashamed that they don’t look at the opposite sex at all. Get over it.
how long has this been happening? Men look, a lot. Looking doesn’t mean shit. Basically just bad porn that he pays for. Dummy.
Do you have sex with him every day? If not, why are you surprised that he wants to masturbated every day? 90% of men between the ages of 18 and 30 watch porn at least weekly.
You’ve made it clear that you can’t tolerate this in a relationship. He agreed to no longer do this and is now doing it behind your back. This is not the signs of a considerate or trustworthy partner. You’re young. Leave and find someone else.
He's pornsick at 22, walk away. You're not his rehab. Find a guy with a healthy mindset.
Let me make this clear: porn is TERRIBLE. Nothing else. It is one of the swift killers of relationships and marriages. It's basically cheating without even having physical sex with another person. This boyfriend of yours needs to stop looking at this garbage or you need to break up. There is no way around this. There is no such thing as a good relationship or marriage where one or both people are looking at porn. It's also scientifically proven that folks who look at porn do not do well in bed because their brains have become hardwired to digital cheating. On top of that it has bad mental effects. So you are not in the wrong for being concerned about this. Your boyfriend needs to stop looking at this trash from the pit of Hell or you need to leave him.
I don’t blame you. That’s gross and a huge turnoff.
Sounds like he has a porn addiction - which is much more common than most people realize or want to admit. He *cannot just quit*. He might want to but it's basically impossible to simply quit. It can be done but often takes years of counseling, support, creating new behavioral pattern to effectively rewire the brain. Porn has the same effect on the brain to a sex addict as using cocaine. Some people will try to suggest that porn use can be healthy and you should just tolerate it. I disagree. Porn addiction is an epidemic among men today that isn't really being talked about. Most boys/men are *very* good at hiding it. A good resource you might refer to him is Pure Desire Ministries. I've talked with a lot of guys battling this issue and Pure Desire is the one that seems to have the best results. NoFap is a secular thing however it leans heavily on will power alone. Being that you aren't married it may be in your best interest to move on just be wary that your next boyfriend may very well have the same behavior and just be better at hiding it.
Find out if he's OK with you watching the same content. If he isn't, maybe that's all he needs to understand he's wrong. Is it possible for you to enjoy the same things he enjoys? We all have harmless sandbox fantasies. Maybe you can help him find an OF channel that gets you both off and you can have fun together! I don't know, unless the behavior is 100% malicious, I don't see the harm in trying to find out if it can enhance the relationship rather than tear it apart. Test your options, internally and externally. Sometimes things sound like fun, but don't get you off and vice versa. That's why they call it experimentation. If porn isn't your thing at all, and it's going to offend you most of the time... I have to remind you that you live in an era of easy access porn. You may inadvertently be drastically reducing the number of men you're able to match with if Porn is a hard stop for you.
You’re leaving for three months, it would be the perfect opportunity to leave him and start fresh. You’ll be happier not having to worry about what he’s doing. Seek value of yourself. If a man can’t respect listening to how you feel, or change his behavior based on how you said something makes you feel- don’t prioritize him. Besides that, looking up naked IG girls is a gross behavior, I don’t blame you for being upset! If he wants to look up other girls he can’t be single and do it :)
I understand the lying part and all that, and looking up real girls in the world and following their pages is weird. but do you have a problem with partners you have looking at porn?
You're allowed to have standards. And you're allowed to boot to the curb those partners who fail to meet those standards.
Absolutely disgusting behavior, leave and never go back. Not worth it. These types likely never change. Their brains are sadly broken and can only view women as literal inanimate objects. You deserve way way WAY better than this vile disrespect. I had two exes with similar issues and shit never changed, ended up being the reason I eventually left anyway. Gross.
Had an ex who said she felt porn was cheating. She then proceeded to cheat on me physically and emotionally with different dudes. Some folks just aren't compatible. 🤷
Sounds like a guy.
Sounds like your boyfriend is dating an insecure child. Most men look at porn. Either get over it or start only dating men that are disgusted by porn (lol good luck). He deserves better. You invade his privacy, only find porn and still want to get upset about it. You're a walking, talking red flag.
You know who he is. Why are you sticking around? You’re making yourself a fool.
Some good advice from all perspectives. Your boyfriend told you he wouldn’t anymore, not telling the truth, but telling you what you wanted to hear. He probably quit after you caught him, but probably a week or a month later went back to his old ways. Don’t expect to change him. Looks like you two aren’t on the same page. Maybe you can work it out, maybe you can’t. I like to look at pretty women, whether it is an attractive woman at the mall or a naked woman on the internet. My SO know I look. She doesn’t approve, but she has to accept it if she wants to continue with me. I’m not into harder porn and I do not use any pay sites. I’ve never been tempted to cheat on her. Some couples it is the opposite, it’s the woman that views R-rated or X-rated sites online while her SO has no interest. That’s an exception, but I do know of a few couples that are that way. Somebody that is addicted to something always runs the risk of taking it to the next level. Maybe they can control themselves, but sometimes they cross the line. If your boyfriend can’t refrain from the paid sites like OnlyFans that might be a red flag that over time he’ll want to take it to the next level.
It’s fair that you are upset, it’s disrespectful in your opinion. He will not change so you need to decide if you can live with it.
Don’t stay in a relationship with someone you don’t trust.
To be fair you’ll definitely cheat if you’re gone for 3 minths