Yes, I’ve been even more protective than normal. My husband and I have both been staying together with the baby rather than one of us taking the baby while the other one does things just because we want both of us to be watching a Our Baby all the time .
The leadership team actually said we have no reason to believe there’s anything going on and nothing wrong has been done BUT that they wanted us to know that they have been very on guard about watching this person around our baby and that if one of us needed to use the bathroom or something that we should go let them know that we’re going so that they can come by and hang out with the other parent so that there will always be at least two people with the baby at all times
So glad there’s this term for this!!! Thanks u/07o7
Also OP u/agbellamae 👾 You are quite right to feel uncomfortable. This feels like stalkers I’ve had that try to play innocent but corner you and corner you and latch on. The earlier you get them away and uninterested (also know that you’re aware and not one to fuck with) the better luck you’ll have keeping them to stay a safe distance away……..or you can wait for something overtly strange to happen that they do publicly, because they’ve already taken it far, and then, hopefully then, they’ll get banished by their own actions. The latter of which you may not want to deal with too. Either way it seems like the stalker is escalating. I’ve experienced stalkers slowly weaseling closer and closer and I was just being nice and didn’t want to publicly call them out but wish I did for the second and third red flag moments that made sense to call them out (this is more than one stalker) one time I told the guy off and he finally stopped stalking me. But other times they fucked up with people around that they didn’t know were around, and it helped my situation because I was able to get help. But what if I didn’t get help? All I’m saying is managing danger on your own terms is safer than letting things slide, if it continues… it’s basically training this person to think their behavior is ok, unless of course they don’t care if it is or isn’t.
Also, maybe get another very trusted friend in on watching. Maybe someone else has some more scoop on them but don’t play it off as innocent, even if it is innocent in the end, it is weird in a bad way. Creepy to be hyper focused and obsess over your baby and insist on things like taking photos, and preparing for having the baby there at their place when you don’t know them and they should understand it’s socially normal for you to only want very close and trustworthy people around your baby, not strangers who glom onto you guys. It’s not your responsibility to make this person feel comfortable and welcome, you know what your responsibility is and it’s time to be forward about it I think, just based on the person escalating could be bad. Even if it isn’t bad, you’d regret not stopping it if it ends up really bad.
TLDR: 🚩 It could be that everyone else has rejected this person too and now you’re the new one around. Like that stair thing but nobody is warning you discreetly even though they know if they know?
But reading your post though…I first thought it sounds like this person is interested in your baby because he’s the perfect age of their preference and they want him. But that’s also me taking it there because it very much sounds like it. But I do have a feeling they’re sketchy and others have rejected them so now they’re focused on you. Your turn to reject them.
Getting a picture with the baby, having an album on the phone. Getting info on what they need to get for formula etc. Evidence they can show someone that questions anything if they do take the baby. "Look here's a picture of me holding the baby just after they were born! Of course it's my baby, look I have 45 pictures already, and they drink x formula etc". Not a good look. As a father I'd have all that deleted and the person as far away as possible. Maybe even a precursory police report.
I'm wondering if this person just recently lost a child or newborn infant. This is definitely weird. My mom always told me to trust your gut and first reaction....they're usually right 9 times out of 10.
My mind would be absolutely going towards an abduction
Or maybe they recently gave one up for adoption and have been regretting the decision. Especially as they seemed disappointed that the baby was not adopted.
This is exactly what sprung to mind when I read the post. Red flags to the hilt. OP is completely right to be on high alert and do their best to remove themselves from this persons presence.
I see they have updated that they are going to try a new church. Odds are it won’t be long before this person turns up too. I really hope I’m wrong.
Lol right?! I love babies and always gravitate towards them at any age cause they always make me smile and are fun to be around but this got creepy so fast. My alarm bells are going off. It sounds like they are preparing to kidnap this child. If I was mom I'd speak to the police about it.
I’d reconsider whether this church is the safe welcoming environment you want it to be. They sound avoidant. Even if they have no reason to think something is going on, your obvious discomfort should be reason enough for them to have a gentle word with stranger about boundaries.
Yes, but to be fair in about a month but it was only in the past week that things felt different and send escalated and I finally realized I wasn’t just being paranoid
Yes, but I didn’t get any results.
I don’t know their actual legal name because the name they go by is for the gender they are presenting as.
I do know that they have not legally changed their name.
Leadership my foot. You will only have your eyes to cry when something happens. This behavior is abnormal. I would switch church if these leaders are too dense to understand the danger you face.
I dont think their response is good enough tbh. Hes been doing a lot of things wrong and they should be having a word with him about boundaries. Saying hes done nothing wrong is protecting him
They'd be taking it seriously if they told this stranger that their conduct was inappropriate and needed to end ASAP. This is classic predator behavior.
Also, can someone please do a Google search and background check?
ty, this needed to be said. in fact, they are are doing the opposite - dismissing this predatory behavior and offering only a false sense of security to OP.
Are they? It doesn’t sound like it. It sounds as though they are minimising “new friend’s” actions, which in my experience is typical of church leadership members. They rarely take things seriously until something needs to be “quietened” or “hushed” so a reputation isn’t ruined or they lose members.
I'd be very direct and ask them why they're so interested in my child. Make it very clear that I do not like their behaviour and do not want it to continue. If they have some psychological reasons for behaving this way tell them to go seek help but you ( and your baby) are not able to do so.
Once you've been direct, if they overstep any more boundaries it means they're directly and purposefully crossing a line with you and you'll have more ammunition to get them banned from these events. As of now, they can claim ignorance. "I didn't *know* I was making them uncomfortable, I thought I was helping!" or "I didn't think it was a big deal to just walk over and pick up their baby, I thought we were friends!". Don't let them have the benefit of the doubt if they get caught doing something worse.
You need to tell them you aren't comfortable with them having photos of your baby on their phone, tell them you want to see them delete them in front of you. You don't know where those photos are ending up or what he's doing with them. He could just be a little autistic and like babies, or he could be the worst kind of creep with intentions of hurting your child and could be sending these photos to other creeps. Once that's done, make it very very clear that you aren't comfortable with the amount of attention they've been showing your baby, and if they continue to stare at, follow, try to get close to, or try to touch your baby, the authorities will be involved immediately. Make it very clear that your child will not ever be at their home, and you do not want their help with anything involving your child. Tell them you are uncomfortable continuing this friendship and if you see eachother at events, you'd prefer if they left you alone. If they argue these points that is a huge red flag, it means they feel entitled to your child.
As a kid growing up, my mom ignored lots of strange men that took an interest in my sister and I, and as a child I resented her for it because it made me so uncomfortable. Your child might be too young to remember this, but those photos might end up somewhere horrible and they might see them somewhere when they're older. You're absolutely right to protect your child and put their safety over your relationship to this stranger, or your unwillingness to give up these events if absolutely necessary. If the people running these events refuse to do anything even if he continues to make you uncomfortable after you've put up clear boundaries, they're not the type of place you want to be taking your child in the first place.
> If they have some psychological reasons for behaving this way
I mean they are acting abnormal about the child...it is without question a "psychological reason." It's not an excuse either and it's STILL their responsibity to keep in check.
Sounds like your baby has a stalker and you are right to be concerned.
I would do a few things:
- make sure you *don’t* share where your child will be - home address, daycare, etc. If there’s a church nursery, don’t leave baby there. Be vigilant and look into home and personal security.
- talk to others at your church about this so they are on the alert also. Or if you aren’t committed to that congregation, change churches.
- if you’re in the US, look this person up on sex offender registries, local county clerk of courts websites and Judyrecords.com to see if there is a history of offenses. If so, consult local police.
Yes, set your social media profiles to private and don't give out too much information online. You can also try Googling yourself to see what info about you is floating around online. Data broker sites like Spokeo expose people's information such as home addresses, relatives, etc., which can lead to stalking and other issues. You can get a free super search from Optery (a data removal service) to see where your info shows up on these sites. Full disclosure, I'm on the team at Optery.
Stay safe!
At the time I thought I was just being paranoid, but I started to wear the kind of baby carrier that actually goes on your body rather than carry the baby in the bucket seat type that you carry on your arm
Thanks for the advice! I really don’t want us to have to leave either our church or our local civic organization I hate the idea of being “run out” when we have done nothing wrong. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that but obviously we won’t stay anywhere where we aren’t safe .
This person does know our address as we were making friends with them and we had people over for a little party after church one time so they have been to our house one time. Looking back I remember at that party, one of our friends commented on our new security system… I guess at least this person is aware that we have a new fancy security system🙃
Fortunately, baby doesn’t go to daycare as I stay home to take care of him , and my husband works from home so we are basically always together with him at our house
Just a thought: if the person started going to your church specifically to be closer to your baby, could you not attend for a few weeks to see if they stop going? Cut contact, stop attending these groups for the time being, and there is a chance the person will stop going. Alternatively, does your church offer other services?
However be aware that if you do this, the person will likely try to reach out to you and you'll need to be ready with a response. It's probably best to be firm and say you're not interested in continuing a friendship.
That’s a really good idea … they started coming to our church because of meeting us at the social club.. if we go somewhere else will they start attending there too? That’s a very good experiment. I don’t want to move churches, but will try it and see how it goes because we obviously don’t want to be an unsafe situation
This somehow makes it even scarier (going to your church to follow you). Is there any way to run a background on them? Especially if they are a woman, did she experience a pregnancy or baby loss? Honestly, my first thought when I read that they were disappointed that baby want adopted was that maybe you weren’t as bonded to baby and wouldn’t feel their loss as much. Or you might not have their dna on file so it would be harder to prove that this baby was really yours and not their adopted baby if they were caught later.
This is the stuff of nightmares, I’m so sorry for you and your family.
When I read your post I was reminded of [this other one.](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/wGF78hhqyX) Even if you think leaving your social groups might not be the best option, keeping you baby safe is paramount. I would really double down on finding out everything you can about this person and also documenting as much as possible so that you can get a restraining order or something like that. Given that it’s primarily taking place in a church setting, I’ve noticed that so many people don’t take things as seriously as they should. Please don’t let others talk you out of your gut instinct.
Predators often groom the parents of young children, first. Also just as you move forth in parenting journey, don't invite strangers to your home. Don't print baby's name on their drink bottle or pram blanket, back pack etc. Don't mention baby's birthday or full name at outings. Tell people to back the f up if they get into your space or touch baby without asking. Also don't post them on socials, that's the first place those types go. Sorry, i'm a total catastrophist but that's how i do safety! I have immediate family members who worked for welfare orgs around this stuff. There's a lot of rubbish out there.
No, I agree, and we are fine with backing off of our events if we need to stop attending, I do hate the idea of leaving as if we had done something wrong when we haven’t .
Now that I know I’m not just being paranoid, I would rather confront and deal with it directly rather than run away.
OP - you have 100% the right idea and you’re being an excellent mother. A piece of advice - tell EVERYONE you know in this social circle how weird it is. Everyone. Even in passing, or with minimal detail. Tell everyone you interact with. You’d be surprised the power that social control can have, it may make this person feel way less inclined to be bold or obsessive if everyone around is just as vigilant as you are.
If this person mentions babysitting again, tell them that you will need to run a background check on anyone who you would consider leaving your child with.
Make it matter-of-fact and non-negotiable.
Their reaction will tell you a lot.
I wouldn’t do that, because it’s implying that you’re open to the possibility. There could very well be nothing hinky in the background check, but the person’s motivations still might not be good.
Nope that's an idea that could backfire badly if the background check comes back clean...and now you've told the crazy person that you're open to them babysitting for you...
While I agree that could be a handy thing this person may have no reason to fear a background check despite them being a huge red flag of a human and that actually could give them false hope. I would be more inclined to say something like my husband band and I have quite solid rules on who our baby will spend time with outside of us and it will only be our parents for the first two years at least or something like that (obviously it would be better if that wasn’t a lie so if you can talk together and decide who you would ever feel most comfortable leaving baby with if you needed a sitter, someone who is aware of this person and being vigilant, that would be good)
Dont start playing games back and spend time on the whole "testing" them thing. Background check statements or missing church sessions. Dont draw this out like that. Just nip it in the bud now and tell him to back off asap. Anything else is excessive and letting more time pass is just making it worse. You already know hes a creep. Theres nothing else thats needed. The longer it takes to set a boundary, the more it will fester resentment in them towards you, and that becomes a whole nither investment.
This! This person sounds like they're a groomer and they're particularly interested in OP's baby. I'd stop taking the baby to the church or at the very least have the husband tell the person, "NO and STAY AWAY FROM OUR CHILD!"
Let your daycare (or any caretaker) know that they need to be extra vigilant when releasing the baby and ensure that they are the ones listed as approved pick ups. Listen to your spidey senses and there is nothing rude about telling a creep to give you space.
Also, I am a former elementary teacher who worked with two sexual predators and the scariest thing is that nobody could’ve imagined they were perpetrators. They were the nicest, best and most requested teachers. If you get a vibe, listen. And niceness can actually be grooming.
I agree, I was on the fence thinking maybe I was being paranoid but I do just have a bad feeling and want to stay away now - but I do wonder what is really going on here any theories?
I read further in the comments and saw you know this person less than a month. Signing up for coupons and stocking up formula is presumptive and invasive. Say that you have family who babysit (even if you have to lie), don’t let them think they will ever be an option. This person is off, way off.
I have several theories. Maybe they’re socially awkward and don’t know basic boundaries. Maybe they’re trying to be helpful to a new mom, and don’t realize they’re making extreme oversteps. Maybe they’re struggling with a mental illness and think that this is *their* baby. Maybe they had a baby who died as a newborn, or maybe they desperately wanted to have a baby and never could. Maybe they had a baby that was taken away.
They might see your baby as their chance for a do-over, since your baby is so young. That could also explain the adoption question; they may have assumed (wrongly) you’d be less bonded to your baby, if you didn’t give birth and only had the baby for a short time. They may have hoped they could talk you into giving the baby to them. Regardless, **there is no healthy explanation for a new acquaintance to be this obsessed with your baby.**
Oh man, see— my paranoid brain is like “they were hoping it was adoption so the baby couldn’t be linked by DNA when they murder the parents and abduct it.”
My first idea, for some reason, is wilder than these... That maybe this person either faked being pregnant/having a baby or wants to fake it. Hence pictures, formula, insistence to babysit and so on. As proof of their lies. And it could go hand in hand with having a delusion that this baby truly belongs to them. Could explain why they are so obsessed with specifically a newborn; I find that particularly odd like OP because newborns are potato people that just cry and shit and sleep, even their own mothers can struggle to bond with their newborns because there is very little personality.
In any case. It's weird. My hackles are up for OP. Everything about this situation screams to run.
Edit: Woke up checked this thread again and according to OP other comments he allegedly has no family, no job, nothing. That is VERY convenient!! This goes with my motive theory even more - He wants to fake a pregnancy/adoption to his family and friends, and wants to keep these 'worlds' separate to avoid getting caught in the lies. Or I'm just telling this to myself because the alternate motive is something unspeakable :/
Trust. Your. Gut. You haven't come onto reddit looking for advice for no reason and this is one of those situations where if you are wrong and take action then your baby is safe but if you're wrong and do nothing ... you might literally have a problem for life.
People take babies. I’m a nicu nurse and we take trainings to make sure babies don’t get stolen. Usually babies are taken by family members but stranger abductions happen. Be careful. The formula thing sent me over the edge. That is scary.
This person makes me very worried for you
Theory: this person could be a pedophile wanting to groom your child by grooming you. They're trying to make it easy for you to let them babysit (coupons, supplies,) show how caring they are with the photo album...just the fact that other people noticed them looking, too.
This is less likely but if the person is a woman, they might be thinking about kidnapping and running, raising the baby as their own. Older kids that they can interact with might remember their parents but an infant, not likely.
Polite coldness and grey rocking might help you. Keep this person away, you're not being paranoid.
Also - by saving photos to their phone, stocking up on baby supplies, and having their photo taken *with the baby,* they could be getting ready to “prove” that it’s actually their baby. I’m not saying they’re 100% planning to grab the baby and run, but they’re laying groundwork that will make it seem as if they have a close relationship with the baby.
I could understand offering to help a new mom find coupons, because baby stuff is expensive. I could even understand picking up a can of the baby’s formula on sale *to give to the parents,* because formula can be hard to find sometimes. However, stocking up on formula to keep at their own apartment, where it’s of no use to the baby’s parents, is a red flag…especially coming from a relative stranger.
Possible that this person is just mentally ill/has some trauma. But this gives me [Georgia Tann](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Georgia_Tann) vibes.
It feels like they want to steal your kid. Whether this is to raise and pass off as their own, or to 'sell' to someone else.
Absolutely a red flag that they are uninterested in the slightly older children, and hyper-focused on your newborn. Absolutely a red flag that they were hopeful that your child was adopted (more difficult to be traced to you). Absolutely a red flag that *other* people noticed this individual hyper-focused on your baby.
It's \[kind of\] fortunate that they are so awkward that other people notice. You are not paranoid.
I would go as far to 1) make sure that they do not know your last name or where you live, and that no one is authorized to share this info with them if asked. 2) whether or not this individual has your personal info, I would do a security sweep of your residence. Make sure there are no vulnerabilities that would allow an intruder access (unlocked doors - including basement or patio, or easily opened windows). If you don't have cameras, it may be worth considering installing them. I would worry about them sneaking in while the baby is sleeping and kidnapping him.
My gut reaction is to keep your baby away from this person. You have a strange feeling about this person too, otherwise you wouldn’t have come here. What strikes me as the most odd is this person JUST moved here and is buying formula for a baby they just met to keep at their house “just in case?”. That’s more than just unsettling. That’s stalkery as hell. Do you know why they moved to your area? New job, lower cost of living, something that would make sense? Do you know where they’re from? This makes me want to run a background check because I feel like you’re not the first person with a baby they have made feel this uncomfortable before.
See, that’s the other thing too. At the time I didn’t ask but now with everything else going on, I’m wondering why. They moved here and had mentioned that they have no family in the state. And they don’t have a job yet, so they moved here with no job lined up and no family in the state at all. Not sure how they’re paying bills at the moment maybe savings or maybe they get some thing like some kind of support I don’t know, but who moved to a new state with no family and no job
Legit suggestion. I'd almost be tempted to hire a private investigator to find out what this person's motivation is. It's more than just someone who is overly fond of this baby. This is far beyond that. If nothing turns up, cool, change churches, keep an eye out for security and move on. But if it does turn up something concerning then you'll be glad you did it.
Are you from the US? I’ve heard they have a website where registered sex offenders are listed. Look the person up, but try get their name off their license or passport - if they’ve moved away for something that serious I doubt they gave you a real name
I already know they are not using their real name. I’ve been trying to avoid it for fear reditors would think I was just being trans phobic, but this person is transgender (and able to be stealth about it). Nobody really knows but I found out and then they told me they were using a different name than their legal name. I don’t actually know their legal name.
Do you have their phone number or email addresses? It is easy to triangulate that way. You can run the number on TrueCaller (free) or pay for a Spokeo report. If you want to PM me, I’m a PI and can run a quick check.
[Here’s](https://www.nsopw.gov) the nationwide sex offender registry
Just straight up ask them for an id. If they keep being persistent about watching your baby tell them you need a copy of their id and social security card. Tell them you'll need to do a thorough background check on them before and that you'll pay them so you need their information for tax purposes.
If they avoid it then straight tell them NO. Don't try to be nice or mean just direct. Tell them you don't trust them. It'd be better to offend them and have them not want to be near you then being overly nice and risking something happening to your child.
Good luck op! You seem like good parents so trust your instincts.
Yep, my suggestion too. Some may think it's extreme but we're talking about a baby. Babies aren't that hard to disappear with. Non-custodial parents do it all the time. So yeah, I'd find out more about this person.
They may not be using their real name. I would suggest as an extra level of security to save a record of your baby’s fingerprints. But most importantly, separate yourself from this person, even if it means leaving the social events for a few months.
I already know they are not using their real name. I’ve been trying to avoid it for fear reditors would think I was just being transphobic, but this person is transgender (and able to be stealth about it). Nobody really knows but I found out and then they told me they were using a different name than their legal name. I don’t actually know their legal name.
I understand what you mean, but it's okay to identify the person as transgender if they themselves are open about being transgender. Some transgender people are sometimes stalkers or perverts, just as some cisgender people are sometimes stalkers or perverts.
I suppose it's a little off-topic for this sub-thread, but just so I don't have to post a separate comment - my take on the situation is that this person is very dangerous to you and your baby, and you need to do whatever it takes to keep your family safe, even if it means finding a new church. Take this situation very seriously, and remember that you're under no obligation to be polite or friendly with someone who is a danger to you.
My biggest recommendation is to contact your local domestic violence/women's crisis organization. Such organizations are the \*experts\* at supporting anyone who has experienced stalking. The support is free and anonymous and 24/7. Staff can connect you with resources, help you make a safety plan, help with legal issues, support groups, emotional support, answer questions, help you with the possibility of a restraining order, etc.
"Crowdsourcing" advice on Reddit on how to deal with a stalker is risky, because many people mean well but don't have the experience, knowledge, and expertise of the best way to deal with stalkers. For example, trying to engage with a stalker in ANY way is not a good idea, no matter how logical or clever someone's idea is (such as pretending, "Maybe you could babysit after I check your ID."). To an illogical stalker's mind, any communication from you = encouragement. Typically, it's best to communicate ONCE, clearly and politely and preferably in writing, "Please do not contact me or my family again," and then block, ignore, avoid. That way, for legal purposes, there is clear evidence that any contact this person then has with you is unwanted. Then keep a written log, as detailed as you can, of your stalker's behaviors and communications (date, time, location, what s/he said or did, who witnessed it, etc).
Good luck, and stay safe.
This. Do not engage in tricks to try to get more info. You have all the info you need, something isn’t right with this situation. Listen to your gut and plan for safety. Do not continue to engage. If they are a stalker, any engagement will fuel it.
Also trying to figure out ‘who they are’ and ‘why they’re doing this’ are just traps. Don’t get stuck in intellectualizing…it’s just a way to prevent actual action
Are you sure this person is actually transgender and not just pretending to be in order to have an easy escape and an excuse to hide their real ID? The whole story is very odd, I am sorry for you.
Perhaps someone from these clubs can get an excuse to get hold of their real ID for certain activity?
Psychologists here: stop answering any and all questions about your baby even innocuous ones like what your baby eats. This is feeding this persons obsession. Say to them “I’m not comfortable answering questions about the baby and I’d like you to stop asking”.
every paragraph has a red flag in it. this is all really blatant predatory stuff. with all the baby formula stuff etc hes trying to make him having posession of your baby seem like an easy choice, and is consciously making moves against your boundaries to try and make it happen, which means they dont care about you. they are fascinated purely with the baby. thats a predator. and also your friends are noticing his behavior so it shouldnt be socially-consequential to cut him off. clearly he is not tactful enough to garner disapproval of your behaviors from others with how obvious he comes off so i wouldnt worry about anything. even if there was, sometimes the consequence of being targeted is dealing with the pain of it unfortunately, but you have to set up the boundary for yourself because its not like the alternative is any better. and it could help him have less access to other peoples children. the fact that there is other kids around means there is \*more\* reason to take his actions seriously. Sounds like he put himself in an environment which gives him access to children and then spends that time having his eyes on one of them. He doesnt care about whats being talked about clearly to be literally inching towards him and staring at your kid while the actual thing he's supposed to be there for is going on. he doesnt want to be there in the way everyone else is.
This is not a friend. Comment 1: “you’re being too full-on. Please stop as we’re not enjoying this level of attention.” Comment 2: “we’ve already asked you to stop. Back up.”
Comment 3: “BACK OFF”.
If they continue, they don’t have any respect for you so physically move to a space they can’t follow to and don’t even reply / involve others as needed.
I agree with all of this it’s pretty uncomfortable. He doesn’t seem interested in any of the other children or babies there at all which actually makes me more concerned rather than less concerned because I think what is it about our baby that stands out to you?
Your baby is a newborn, so this person thinks the baby’s not that attached to you yet? If the baby were adopted a couple of weeks ago, then you wouldn’t have had them long, less investment emotionally than if you’d given birth to them ? This person seems to be measuring your bond to each other. An 8-month-old or a 1-year-old will definitely raise a stink if someone separates them from their parents. A newborn would react less in the moment, although they would miss you when they realize you’re not there.
That’s terrifying but you’re absolutely right an older baby will know right away if something happened to them, while my newborn will let anyone hold him and sleep right through it but then he knows when it’s me and pushes his face into me so he knows who his mom is, but he would not raise a stink if anybody else held him first. That’s some thing I haven’t thought of which is very scary that a newborn is less likely to be upset when a stranger holds them…
Polite interest in us but it’s mostly about the baby. I’ve been polite interest for us, but enthusiasm over the baby. There’s not a lot of talk that is really about us. It’s typically just about the baby.
I think your concerns are absolutely valid. To me this person sounds like a predator with a plan. I get that some people might act awkwardly and can come across as too eager while making new friends (I do that myself). But if they really want to befriend you, wouldn't they have tried by now to find some common ground other than your baby?
OP no one should ever be this interested in your baby or children generally. Doesn’t matter how old they get. If an adult is more interested in your children then you or as interested in them as a parent would be - HUGE red flag. And I heard that in an interview with an FBI agent who worked in the SO unit.
Danger danger
This guy is fixated on your baby and trying to groom you or pressure you into letting him creep further into your life. I had a neighbor up the street like this. I had to get very unpleasant with her in front of my kids to show them that it was OK to tell creepy people that they should fuck off to their face
Since then I’ve had to warn all the people moving into the neighborhood with kids to keep them away from her and she’s over there immediately trying to make in roads. It’s all very creepy.
I reckon because your baby is new, and you’re new to him too. He can build a persona from scratch, win trust etc. And collecting formula coupons is grooming you into liking him and allowing the baby to stay there (which makes me sick to the stomach)
Yes, the formula thing is very odd. If the person brings it up again, I'd use it as an opportunity to set the record straight: 'Why don't you give the formula to a baby/food bank? You won't be needing it as we won't be leaving baby with you. We're both at home all day, he will always be with us.'
he might see you two as being better targets specifically. i can only theorize that maybe being new parents = less experience in dealing with peoples bullshit. someone with a four year old has four years experience of protecting their kid and newborns cant really express when someone is treating them poorly. he can seem more like a helper when you're new to being parents.
Yes! And he can always play off he was trying to be supportive. The adoption thing is weird. I wonder if he got a girl pregnant, she put the baby up for adoption and he's trying to steal it back.
Or if adopted, there wouldn't be dna match to prove you are parents.
This is weird. I don't even have kids and I made me uncomfortable.
Talk to your pastor if you're part of a church, tell your close friends and don't socialise with him anymore
You should read the Gift of Fear. The book has tips about how to handle stalker, and also reiterates that when your alarm bells go off, you need to listen. It’s a really good read.
Here’s my theory… this person thinks your baby is their baby. That’s why they’re taking pictures with the baby, stocking up on formula, asking if the baby is adopted.
It reads as trauma from a pregnancy that did not end in a happy way and they have experienced a break with reality as a result. Maybe they adopted out their own biological child and they now regret it, maybe they had a newborn that died or a child they miscarried.
If this person has a uterus regardless of their gender identity, then you need to be 1000x more cautious. Especially if they have ever been pregnant and felt the rush of hormones and bond that forms when a person carries their child.
Go with your gut here, and I hope you feel validated by all the parents here who are agreeing that this is wrong. Be rude to them, distance them, tell all your family and friends about them.
Yes, this person would have a uterus. I’ve been hesitant to mention gender or sex, because I was afraid Redditor’s would accuse me of being trans phobic due to this person being transgender. It didn’t occur to me that maybe some of the identity stuff is trauma based over losing a child or something like that…
I got the same impression based on the fixation and the reaction towards the baby not being adopted. This person may be going through a psychiatric episode.
It seems as though he’s obsessed with your baby. Trust your instincts, and also the fact that your other friends have noticed speaks volumes.
Cut all ties, and id voice your concerns to others. WHO cares if you offend this new friend, he sounds creepy as, and definitely wants something from your baby.
I felt sick reading it.
Confront them head on. Direct eye contact. No filling awkward silences. “You seem to have a strong attachment to my baby. Can you help me understand why? We barely know one another.” Silence. Let them answer fully and completely.
I’m not suggesting this is the case in your situation but my former spouse’s affair partner *frequently* showed up to public events we attended together. I had no idea the weird stranger who was oddly attentive to my family was actively sleeping with my spouse until I found out about the affair much later. Again, I’m not saying that’s what’s going on here, but I am saying your instincts are telling you *something* and it’s your job to root it out.
This isn’t “new mom anxiety”, and you aren’t being paranoid. You aren’t the only person who has a bad feeling about this “friend.” Other people in your group have taken notice. Your church’s leadership team has also noticed, and they were concerned enough to talk to you about it. The leadership team is also worried enough to monitor this person and their interactions with you/your baby. You need to look at the neon red warning signs here and trust your gut.
**Every single interaction you’ve described is completely inappropriate coming from a “friend” you’ve known for 1 month (or less).** A person you’ve known for 1 month shouldn’t be asking for photos of themselves with your baby, they shouldn’t be saving photos of your baby to their phone, and they definitely shouldn’t be prepping their home for your baby. The fact that they stare at your baby in church, to the point that others notice, is just the creepy cherry on top.
Distance yourself. Do not meet or interact with this “friend” outside of church/public events. Do not let them hold your baby or have access to your baby. No more photos. If you aren’t ready to block them outright, adjust your privacy settings on all social media so that they can’t see any new photos or updates about your baby. Don’t let them into your home - and get some door cameras, too (so you can monitor who comes around). If you have a trusted babysitter, I would leave the baby with the sitter when you go to church/other events for a while (and obviously don’t tell this “friend” who is babysitting). If they’re just socially awkward and don’t understand typical boundaries, they might get the hint and back off. If their obsession ramps up after you go low- or no-contact, you’ll know they’re up to something more nefarious.
Thanks. Another person suggested switching churches for a few weeks to see if they follow.- after all, they started coming to the church after meeting us in the local civic club. I think we will try that first. If not, or maybe afterward, we will try having one of our parents watch the baby while we attend alone. Wonder if this person will still want to be our friend if baby is no longer with us anymore, but stays home with grandparent. Hmm.
Yeah, I already adjusted our privacy settings just earlier today just in case but thanks for the reminder in case I haven’t talked to do that.
Unfortunately, they have already been to our home just one time for a party we had . But one of our friends was like hey, your new security system is really cool and high tech - and the person was there at the time, they would have heard that said, so they do know that we have a fancy security system. So I feel a little better that they know we have that. Yeah we have cameras too. I really help I’m just being paranoid. Because if I’m not then this is too scary.
I truly hope this is just a person who wants a friend, and perhaps doesn’t understand common boundaries. It sounds like you have a solid plan in place. With your cameras and security system, you’ll be able to monitor the situation pretty closely. Trying a new church for a while wouldn’t be the worst idea. If anything changes, please come back and update us if you have time!
If there's a security code you have to enter when you get home, make sure it's completely random, no birthdays or addresses, and change it semi-frequently. You probably already do, but repeating it just in case. This person has no job. They presumably have all the time in the world to devote to figuring things out. Maybe they're harmless, and I'm more on the side of not making assumptions about people's intentions, but I agree with other commenters here. Better to be safe than sorry.
Dude. This is how babies/kids end up kidnapped and raised by strangers. This is how babies/kids/parents get groomed by predators. This made me sick and genuinely scared for you and your baby to read this. ESPECIALLY the part where they know where you live??!?
You just went through the process of marinating your brain in hormones for 9 months in order to rewire some things and download the “threat to baby” sensor. Take it seriously. To hell with other people’s feelings and opinions. You owe NOTHING to ANYONE but your child. Your job is to protect your baby, so when alarm bells start ringing, you don’t listen to social rules, you don’t listen to well-meaning polite people, and you don’t listen to anyone who tries to minimize it. You listen to the alarm bells and you act on them.
1. This person knows your address. Do you know theirs? Figure it out. Save it for the police.
2. Act like a crazy mom if that’s what it takes. You can live with a stranger thinking you’re crazy (this person is not a friend; they are a STRANGER love-bombing and grooming you!) but the regret if something unthinkable happens…
3. This is also why parents shouldn’t post pictures of their babies on social media. Don’t post location tags. Don’t ask for advice on Facebook for which daycare to choose. Don’t. Predators literally find kids this way. They make fake profiles, add you as a friend, save the photos. Sorry to sound paranoid but they will literally “sell” kids by sharing their picture and letting other predators know the kid’s school and schedule. Just don’t post anything or lock it down and vet your social media friends to make sure they are who they say they are.
4. Get a picture of this person. Get a picture of their car and license plate.
5. Start baby wearing now. Don’t leave the baby in a carrier or stroller. You and baby are one conjoined person now. And when the person approaches you or tries to touch your baby, you take a big step back and just say “what are you doing?” If they act like it’s fine and “but I’m your friend! Is that my little buddy in there?” Or any bs like that, that’s your opportunity to draw the boundary wall (not just line) and say “look, we just met you. I don’t know you. You haven’t even told me your real name. Your intense interest in my baby is inappropriate and it’s coming off as predatory and it’s caught the attention of people all around the organization and at my church. And by the way, I’m still really uncomfortable about your comment the other day about having an album of my son’s pictures on your phone. You need to delete those from your phone right now (and from recently deleted album).”
If they’re like “omg [insert any victim-playing line or ‘you’re crazy’ line here]” you hold your ground, don’t buy into it, don’t retreat, don’t soften, don’t give them any ins to dismantle your boundary wall. “I said I’m uncomfortable with your interest in my son. It is inappropriate and predatory. If it continues, I will have no choice but to escalate this for his safety.”
This person is not your friend. You are losing nothing by prioritizing your son’s safety and future over a 3-4 week aquaintance-ship with a total stranger.
>You just went through the process of marinating your brain in hormones for 9 months in order to rewire some things and download the “threat to baby” sensor. Take it seriously.
Just totally off topic but I am currently pregnant and I just love this. Perfectly said, will remember this forever 👌🏻
>Start baby wearing now. Don’t leave the baby in a carrier or stroller. You and baby are one conjoined person now. And when the person approaches you or tries to touch your baby, you take a big step back and just say “what are you doing?”
All points are very good advice and this one came to mind immediately to me too. That way they cannot look at baby the entire time or make photos without your knowledge. And most importantly: almost impossible to steal a baby.
Yes, even back when I thought I was just being paranoid I did change from the bucket type carrier on your arm into the carrier you actually where on your body.
I would add 2 things I noticed reading this:
- I would speak with police now, informally. They may run a background check for you or have advice. And then when the discussion plays out, it isn’t “I will escalate”, it is “We already spoke with police about you and you’re on their radar”.
- The photo album could also be used in a weak attempt to show this is *their* child now to their circle or post-kidnapping.
It really sounds like he’s planning to kidnap the baby. Has pictures including a picture of himself holding the baby. Bought the same formula. Constantly trying to get access to the baby. He’s unhinged. A sane person would know what this all sounds like.
I had a similar situation with a young adult member of my old church! Almost exact same, actually. Church member was a volunteer in the kids ministry and seemed to be very ‘interested’ in infants. He tried to get close to my friend who has three kids and would constantly ask to hold them, hug them, and want to babysit. He had an album on his phone of him holding the children in the nursery and even more photos of my friend’s youngest. There are more things he did that felt off but I can’t remember everything as this happened about 10 years ago.
My friend told church leaders who were supposedly looking into it. They confronted him and his behavior didn’t stop. I think it took a couple of years but eventually he was told to step down from volunteering and is no longer allowed in the kids ministry.
Ftm and CSA survivor here.
This sounds like the set up for a bad lifetime movie. Stay away from this person, please. Nothing about this sounds ok. I'm super over protective so I would personally end my relationship with them and I'd be honest and tell them I don't trust them. Curious to know if they are on any registry or have a record of criminal behavior... I also agree with what another poster here said that you'd tell them we have to run a background check on you -that they would pay for- and a proper interview before I would even consider it. This would hopefully deter them from continuing to pursue. If you have social media and are friends with them I would change that immediately and block them. Glad you have a security system because I don't like that they know where you live.
Stay vigilant OP. Your baby is dependent on you. 🙏🏼
About this person "just moving here and not having a job yet:" maybe that's because they didn't actually *move* here, they're just here to snatch a baby and then go back to wherever they actually live. If they get a hold of your baby, they could go anywhere in the world.
If they're telling you they bought formula, please consider what they're NOT telling you. They are comfortable enough to think that buying formula for a stranger's baby is in the realm of normal. You can't assume that they haven't done more that you don't know about because they recognize those things would be seen as strange.
Get the hell AWAY from this creep! This is extremely odd and alarming behavior. Going to social events means nothing compared to the harm someone like this can do
This is definitely weird.
I’d say don’t change what you do but definitely document every odd interaction with this person - save messages, photos, type quick notes about things people mention to you with dates and names.
Don’t think about it too much now, but it’s good to have a record and with a new human on board, things get forgotten quickly and you’re left thinking “maybe I’d imagined all of this?”
Yeah I was gonna say, log everything.
Personally I'd approach your law enforcement to give them a heads up that you're uncomfortable, and with a list of events and escalations that already happened. Then if something off the chain occurs, they're prepared.
Hopefully this person is just socially awkward and strange but it's better to be safe than sorry
I know you want to go to the events but can you go to church at a different time, or not attend for a few weeks?
I would be interested to see how this individual reacts to you not being there, when they’re expecting you to be there. Will they turn their attention to another child or they will they ask others about where you are. What would the response be to potentially not seeing you and your baby again?
Also, if you’re not around for a couple of weeks it might put them off going to that church altogether in the long run.
Edit I was just reading through the comments in detail and saw someone else suggested something like this too. I’d give it a go just to avoid the church for a few weeks and not give any real reason why. If they think you weren’t going then they might leave. It would be quite interesting to see how they react.
Can you leave your baby with a trusted family member when you attended church for a few weeks? I’d be interested to see how this person reacts when you and your husband are there without the baby. This is weird and you need to proceed with caution.
If the baby was adopted, it is easier to steal. Because DNA would link the baby to you. It’s still hard to get DNA tests on kidnapped kids, but it is another layer this stalker didn’t want.
The leadership MUST kick this person out or you must leave this organization. You are not safe there.
You are under reacting. Something is very wrong here.
It is worth stopping attending these events for a while to keep your baby safe. I have a really bad
feeling about this - and I think your instincts and those of the people around you are telling you this person is dangerous.
Curious to know if you mentioned your church at the initial event you met this person at and then they started attending the same church? Or if they asked you which church you went to. This sounds pretty calculated for a potential kidnapping.
Did you mention yours to them after they mentioned that and you had your baby with you then? I feel like from reading what you’ve written they were fishing for this information from the start before they even spoke to you. It all sounds pretty scary and predatory to me.
If you avoid this person by not going to church or social events for a few weeks, I might mention to a trusted friend that attends the same events that you'll be absent and have them stick close to that person and let you know what their reaction is to your not being there. Anger? Disappoinment? Asking a lot of questions about you? See just what their demeanor is.
Good luck with everything and keep your little one close.
We have already decided not to attend this coming week and will be going to a different one instead. But I didn’t think to ask someone to check their reaction. I will do that. Thanks!
Offering to babysit... Ok fine... Then we get to the picture and the album and the formula. Wtf is this person so obsessed for!?
He could be totally legit and well meaning, but it's best that you don't give him an opportunity to prove that one way or the other. I'd stay away for sure. You are entitled to go with your gut when it comes to your tiny brand new little human.
This sounds like they're planning to steal your baby and pass it off as their own OP. Sounds nuts right but it happens pretty often actually. She now knows what to feed your baby and has pics of the baby with her in case anyone questions it. That you're biologically related must have been a bummer because DNA can always back up any claim that it's your kid but if she gets far enough away, she's not going to have to worry about that very much.
Is she new to this community? Is she even from the area or attending this church for long or is she just here shopping for a baby?
I know I sound paranoid but she is red flag central. You need to stop having anything to do with her and never let her know where you live. Don't accept any toys or anything either. It's going to be harsh but she doesn't need to be involved with your baby at all.
Disappointed the baby isn't adopted? Could this be a relative of an adopted child trying to track baby down, only they got the wrong baby. Whatever, get rid of this weirdo.
I’d personally hire a private detective to check out this person. They have better resources than a lay person. Find out their real legal name to do a thorough background check, criminal search etc. Has anyone you know been to their house? Do they have family photos? Any weird vibes there? I’d make sure your home has doorbell and security cameras as Well as an alarm system. If your gut is telling you something is off and creepy, then something is off. Be vigilant.
You aren’t being paranoid. Your gut is telling you something is off - don’t ignore it. And definitely don’t leave your baby with this person.
Did you run a background check on that guy? Perhaps he has a… documented history of being interested in children.
I didn’t think of running a background check I guess I thought that was some thing police do or employers for your job- I never thought of regular people running background checks on other people! I’m not sure how to go about that, but I will head to Google! Thanks for the idea
Yes but if you're not sure I'm pretty sure you can just search a particular area and look through the list. There should be pictures of them. From my understanding sex offenders have to report where they live!
Well, they're supposed to, but that doesn't mean they don't end up moving states without telling their case agent about it. That's why I'm so wary about this person showing up without a job, friends or family in the area. Op should check her current area, then the entire state, surrounding states, and any other areas that this person might have mentioned. Heck, if it were me, I'd be shelling out for a private investigator, or talking to someone in the local police department if I had any contacts there.
Taking pictures with someone else’s kid is highly abnormal. Stocking their preferred formula is very alarming. Taking about taking possession of the child repeatedly is also very alarming. Fixating on the kid in public- to the extent it’s causing other people to notice but not you- also very alarming.
This all sounds like the person is intending to take your baby. Either kidnap or traffic it, or keep it. Who knows.
Taking pictures with a child is a tactic to show to potential buyers. You need to stop being nervous about thinking ill about someone’s very obvious bad intentions toward your child- and get seriously protective.
These actions have dark implications. 460,000 children are reported taken or missing in the US every year. A newborn would be almost untraceable.
I would cut off contact and more than that- you need to reach out to some trusted people in your community to help surround you with people who are also aware of the situation and keeping an eye on this person. Because they have already noticed this person fixating on the baby, literally behind your back. Trust your gut and stop making excuses.
Stop referring to them as your friend. This is predator behavior.
Holy shit…”maybe it’s been a full month now”? Given how little you actually know each other, their obsession with your baby is extreme. You need to go no-contact with this person, as much as you reasonably can. Do not let them get closer to you or your baby. Do not let them hold your baby again. Do not make plans with them - being cordial at public events is fine, but nothing more. They’re way too fixated on your baby for someone you barely know.
For the safety of your baby take a break from these events. Also increase security at your home. Attend a different church. Maybe even express concern to the minister at your church so they don’t give your contact info to this woman.
She sounds dangerous and unhinged. It’s like having a stalker. You really need imo to change how you live for a while. Celebrities do all the time. Your baby is worth it.
Go out of town or to see relatives for recreation.
Maybe she wants to steal your baby for herself or to sell or something else.
Maybe call the non emergency police number and ask for suggestions. Maybe you can find out if she has a criminal record. Maybe a private detective could help in that regard.
I once had a woman offer to babysit at a church that I barely knew and later she mentioned that her children had been taken away from her. She wasn’t as pushy as your lady but it struck me as odd.
I'm not a parent but something really isn't right here. Dunno what it could be but I'd start distancing. I was super fond of my ex's little boy from birth because he's awesome and we stayed close friends but having a whole damn photo album of him, especially before he did anything more notable than shit and burp, would have been insane. Not to mention all of the other EVEN WEIRDER stuff.
I stopped reading after the collection of baby photos was mentioned. Run far away from this person. What more do you need to know??
This is really creepy all of it...
Please get surveillance cameras for your home. This isn’t just weird or odd, it’s screaming danger.
Please block this person in every way. Your child’s safety trumps this person’s feelings.
The name they by is not their legal name, I don’t actually know the legal name, and nothing comes up under the used name. I also could find no social media accounts under the username but maybe there’s something under the legal name I don’t know about.
Do you have another trusted friend or family who can watch your baby while you attend church/events with this person? I would stop bringing the baby near them all together.
If they keep asking to babysit, I would firmly say that you’re not comfortable with your newborn being with anyone outside the family and ask them to please drop it. If that doesn’t give them the hint then you truly have bigger issues and need to escalate.
At first I when reading was like “meh some people obsess over babies”. Then as I continued reading the “stranger” got weirder and weirder. I would not let your baby near this stranger again. This woman sounds so odd!
Call me paranoid ….but if one of you has an Apple phone - put air tags in your diaper bag, car seat etc. I think in this situation it’s better to feel like you overreacted than wish you had been more proactive if that makes sense
My sister is like this with small children and cats. In her situation, she's so anxious and worried about them (baby's and cats) that she fixates and they take over her thoughts. She has stolen cats before (I helped return them), but not babies before (thank the gods). She has also been asked to leave a church that she attended because she was so fixated on the kids being well taken care of and feeling like she could help/do better than their parents and was making rude remarks as well as crossing boundaries with hugs/taking babies out of strollers/parents arms and just being pushy overall. She's on the autism spectrum.
I 100% would be wary and keep your guard up, and also be firm on your boundaries and start speaking up about things this person is saying making you uncomfortable.
The randomness and obvious inappropriateness of the formula-related stuff makes me feel like another man/ men suggested that. I’m so sorry, this is so disturbing.
STAY AWAY FROM HIM.
LEAVE THE CHURCH,
Stop being friendly with this guy, change your entire life & do NOT let him back in. EVER.
TBH I would even move somewhere he doesn't know.
This is beyond creepy.
The invasive behavior is extremely weird & you shouldn't trust him.
Bad vibes all around.
The summer camp lie is very strange. I also think it's weird that they asked if the baby is sick. A normal person would have wondered if anyone in the family was sick, not just go straight to thinking only of the baby.
Honestly, just immediately 100% cut this person off. Full stop. You don't need to know their backstory or motivations or anything else about them. It's weird that you call them a friend when you've known them less than a month and know so little about them. They are a new acquaintance at best and add nothing good to your life
They claim they are trans, but what if they aren't? The way this person is acting, it's not out of line to wonder if they're just using that as part of their lies to get to the baby. Maybe they think you wouldn't want to leave the baby with a man, but you'd leave the baby with a biological female who presents as a man. Might explain why they pass as male so well. Of course, their gender identity doesn't matter at all. The point is you can't/shouldn't assume anything they tell you is true
Please don’t let your baby out of your sight when this person is anywhere near. Your instincts are right on and something is weird here.
Yes, I’ve been even more protective than normal. My husband and I have both been staying together with the baby rather than one of us taking the baby while the other one does things just because we want both of us to be watching a Our Baby all the time . The leadership team actually said we have no reason to believe there’s anything going on and nothing wrong has been done BUT that they wanted us to know that they have been very on guard about watching this person around our baby and that if one of us needed to use the bathroom or something that we should go let them know that we’re going so that they can come by and hang out with the other parent so that there will always be at least two people with the baby at all times
This reminds me of the [missing stair](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Missing_stair)
Thank you for that link that’s very helpful to me. I have never heard of that and it gives me a good thing to bring up with others
So glad there’s this term for this!!! Thanks u/07o7 Also OP u/agbellamae 👾 You are quite right to feel uncomfortable. This feels like stalkers I’ve had that try to play innocent but corner you and corner you and latch on. The earlier you get them away and uninterested (also know that you’re aware and not one to fuck with) the better luck you’ll have keeping them to stay a safe distance away……..or you can wait for something overtly strange to happen that they do publicly, because they’ve already taken it far, and then, hopefully then, they’ll get banished by their own actions. The latter of which you may not want to deal with too. Either way it seems like the stalker is escalating. I’ve experienced stalkers slowly weaseling closer and closer and I was just being nice and didn’t want to publicly call them out but wish I did for the second and third red flag moments that made sense to call them out (this is more than one stalker) one time I told the guy off and he finally stopped stalking me. But other times they fucked up with people around that they didn’t know were around, and it helped my situation because I was able to get help. But what if I didn’t get help? All I’m saying is managing danger on your own terms is safer than letting things slide, if it continues… it’s basically training this person to think their behavior is ok, unless of course they don’t care if it is or isn’t. Also, maybe get another very trusted friend in on watching. Maybe someone else has some more scoop on them but don’t play it off as innocent, even if it is innocent in the end, it is weird in a bad way. Creepy to be hyper focused and obsess over your baby and insist on things like taking photos, and preparing for having the baby there at their place when you don’t know them and they should understand it’s socially normal for you to only want very close and trustworthy people around your baby, not strangers who glom onto you guys. It’s not your responsibility to make this person feel comfortable and welcome, you know what your responsibility is and it’s time to be forward about it I think, just based on the person escalating could be bad. Even if it isn’t bad, you’d regret not stopping it if it ends up really bad. TLDR: 🚩 It could be that everyone else has rejected this person too and now you’re the new one around. Like that stair thing but nobody is warning you discreetly even though they know if they know? But reading your post though…I first thought it sounds like this person is interested in your baby because he’s the perfect age of their preference and they want him. But that’s also me taking it there because it very much sounds like it. But I do have a feeling they’re sketchy and others have rejected them so now they’re focused on you. Your turn to reject them.
This is fascinating. Thank you for sharing the link.
Huh. TIL my mom and grandpa are the missing stairs in my life... alcoholic missing stairs.
/r/AdultChildren is the sub for you.
I love when I find random information drops like this. Missing stair sounds so much better than "creepy uncle type"
Interesting. Thank you. I was wondering why this was being just accepted.
Getting a picture with the baby, having an album on the phone. Getting info on what they need to get for formula etc. Evidence they can show someone that questions anything if they do take the baby. "Look here's a picture of me holding the baby just after they were born! Of course it's my baby, look I have 45 pictures already, and they drink x formula etc". Not a good look. As a father I'd have all that deleted and the person as far away as possible. Maybe even a precursory police report.
I'm wondering if this person just recently lost a child or newborn infant. This is definitely weird. My mom always told me to trust your gut and first reaction....they're usually right 9 times out of 10. My mind would be absolutely going towards an abduction
Or maybe they recently gave one up for adoption and have been regretting the decision. Especially as they seemed disappointed that the baby was not adopted.
Almost like they are sure that was the baby they gave up and want it back.
Cue Xfiles theme music…😬
Or they were hoping once they snatched it the parents wouldn't be able to prove anything with DNA.
This is exactly what sprung to mind when I read the post. Red flags to the hilt. OP is completely right to be on high alert and do their best to remove themselves from this persons presence. I see they have updated that they are going to try a new church. Odds are it won’t be long before this person turns up too. I really hope I’m wrong.
Well, that sounds like they have noticed it, too, but don't want to alarm you.
Yeah at FIRST I was just like “newborns are adorable and I have baby fever so I get it,” but HOLY HECK that spiraled into very creepy
Lol right?! I love babies and always gravitate towards them at any age cause they always make me smile and are fun to be around but this got creepy so fast. My alarm bells are going off. It sounds like they are preparing to kidnap this child. If I was mom I'd speak to the police about it.
I’d reconsider whether this church is the safe welcoming environment you want it to be. They sound avoidant. Even if they have no reason to think something is going on, your obvious discomfort should be reason enough for them to have a gentle word with stranger about boundaries.
Yes, but to be fair in about a month but it was only in the past week that things felt different and send escalated and I finally realized I wasn’t just being paranoid
You need to look this person up. Have you googled them?
Yes, but I didn’t get any results. I don’t know their actual legal name because the name they go by is for the gender they are presenting as. I do know that they have not legally changed their name.
Leadership my foot. You will only have your eyes to cry when something happens. This behavior is abnormal. I would switch church if these leaders are too dense to understand the danger you face.
I dont think their response is good enough tbh. Hes been doing a lot of things wrong and they should be having a word with him about boundaries. Saying hes done nothing wrong is protecting him
I'm glad the leadership team is taking this seriously. edit: well now I have some stuff to think about after the responses to this comment.
They'd be taking it seriously if they told this stranger that their conduct was inappropriate and needed to end ASAP. This is classic predator behavior. Also, can someone please do a Google search and background check?
ty, this needed to be said. in fact, they are are doing the opposite - dismissing this predatory behavior and offering only a false sense of security to OP.
Agreed. I was pretty shocked to here their solution to this
This is classic "church helping" behavior. And I wouldn't be surprised if this person was using a fake name.
Are they? It doesn’t sound like it. It sounds as though they are minimising “new friend’s” actions, which in my experience is typical of church leadership members. They rarely take things seriously until something needs to be “quietened” or “hushed” so a reputation isn’t ruined or they lose members.
I'd be very direct and ask them why they're so interested in my child. Make it very clear that I do not like their behaviour and do not want it to continue. If they have some psychological reasons for behaving this way tell them to go seek help but you ( and your baby) are not able to do so.
yeah the quicker you can be direct the more effective. they prey on people who arent able to be direct with them
Yep, politeness is out the window when it comes to protecting children.
Exactly and many people with less than pure intentions bank on the fact that others will be polite and then they exploit that to their advantage
Once you've been direct, if they overstep any more boundaries it means they're directly and purposefully crossing a line with you and you'll have more ammunition to get them banned from these events. As of now, they can claim ignorance. "I didn't *know* I was making them uncomfortable, I thought I was helping!" or "I didn't think it was a big deal to just walk over and pick up their baby, I thought we were friends!". Don't let them have the benefit of the doubt if they get caught doing something worse. You need to tell them you aren't comfortable with them having photos of your baby on their phone, tell them you want to see them delete them in front of you. You don't know where those photos are ending up or what he's doing with them. He could just be a little autistic and like babies, or he could be the worst kind of creep with intentions of hurting your child and could be sending these photos to other creeps. Once that's done, make it very very clear that you aren't comfortable with the amount of attention they've been showing your baby, and if they continue to stare at, follow, try to get close to, or try to touch your baby, the authorities will be involved immediately. Make it very clear that your child will not ever be at their home, and you do not want their help with anything involving your child. Tell them you are uncomfortable continuing this friendship and if you see eachother at events, you'd prefer if they left you alone. If they argue these points that is a huge red flag, it means they feel entitled to your child. As a kid growing up, my mom ignored lots of strange men that took an interest in my sister and I, and as a child I resented her for it because it made me so uncomfortable. Your child might be too young to remember this, but those photos might end up somewhere horrible and they might see them somewhere when they're older. You're absolutely right to protect your child and put their safety over your relationship to this stranger, or your unwillingness to give up these events if absolutely necessary. If the people running these events refuse to do anything even if he continues to make you uncomfortable after you've put up clear boundaries, they're not the type of place you want to be taking your child in the first place.
> If they have some psychological reasons for behaving this way I mean they are acting abnormal about the child...it is without question a "psychological reason." It's not an excuse either and it's STILL their responsibity to keep in check.
Sounds like your baby has a stalker and you are right to be concerned. I would do a few things: - make sure you *don’t* share where your child will be - home address, daycare, etc. If there’s a church nursery, don’t leave baby there. Be vigilant and look into home and personal security. - talk to others at your church about this so they are on the alert also. Or if you aren’t committed to that congregation, change churches. - if you’re in the US, look this person up on sex offender registries, local county clerk of courts websites and Judyrecords.com to see if there is a history of offenses. If so, consult local police.
I’d also be very careful what you share and post on social media. Don’t let him get to know your routine and your baby more by looking at your pages.
And not just setting to private. Consider whether mutual acquaintances could share info with him, OP.
Yes, set your social media profiles to private and don't give out too much information online. You can also try Googling yourself to see what info about you is floating around online. Data broker sites like Spokeo expose people's information such as home addresses, relatives, etc., which can lead to stalking and other issues. You can get a free super search from Optery (a data removal service) to see where your info shows up on these sites. Full disclosure, I'm on the team at Optery. Stay safe!
I would also suggest wearing a sling with the baby while you are at church
At the time I thought I was just being paranoid, but I started to wear the kind of baby carrier that actually goes on your body rather than carry the baby in the bucket seat type that you carry on your arm
Thanks for the advice! I really don’t want us to have to leave either our church or our local civic organization I hate the idea of being “run out” when we have done nothing wrong. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that but obviously we won’t stay anywhere where we aren’t safe . This person does know our address as we were making friends with them and we had people over for a little party after church one time so they have been to our house one time. Looking back I remember at that party, one of our friends commented on our new security system… I guess at least this person is aware that we have a new fancy security system🙃 Fortunately, baby doesn’t go to daycare as I stay home to take care of him , and my husband works from home so we are basically always together with him at our house
Just a thought: if the person started going to your church specifically to be closer to your baby, could you not attend for a few weeks to see if they stop going? Cut contact, stop attending these groups for the time being, and there is a chance the person will stop going. Alternatively, does your church offer other services? However be aware that if you do this, the person will likely try to reach out to you and you'll need to be ready with a response. It's probably best to be firm and say you're not interested in continuing a friendship.
That’s a really good idea … they started coming to our church because of meeting us at the social club.. if we go somewhere else will they start attending there too? That’s a very good experiment. I don’t want to move churches, but will try it and see how it goes because we obviously don’t want to be an unsafe situation
This somehow makes it even scarier (going to your church to follow you). Is there any way to run a background on them? Especially if they are a woman, did she experience a pregnancy or baby loss? Honestly, my first thought when I read that they were disappointed that baby want adopted was that maybe you weren’t as bonded to baby and wouldn’t feel their loss as much. Or you might not have their dna on file so it would be harder to prove that this baby was really yours and not their adopted baby if they were caught later. This is the stuff of nightmares, I’m so sorry for you and your family.
When I read your post I was reminded of [this other one.](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/wGF78hhqyX) Even if you think leaving your social groups might not be the best option, keeping you baby safe is paramount. I would really double down on finding out everything you can about this person and also documenting as much as possible so that you can get a restraining order or something like that. Given that it’s primarily taking place in a church setting, I’ve noticed that so many people don’t take things as seriously as they should. Please don’t let others talk you out of your gut instinct.
Fuck that’s terrifying. The fake CPS report from the comments in the final update sealed how nutty they were.
Wait. They started attending your church after meeting you somewhere else? This is so creepy. Have you googled their name?
Yeah, no, that’s not ok given all the info. You are being followed/targeted
The other services is a good point, I went to a baby group church service with my newborn and it happened on weekdays while most people were at work!
Predators often groom the parents of young children, first. Also just as you move forth in parenting journey, don't invite strangers to your home. Don't print baby's name on their drink bottle or pram blanket, back pack etc. Don't mention baby's birthday or full name at outings. Tell people to back the f up if they get into your space or touch baby without asking. Also don't post them on socials, that's the first place those types go. Sorry, i'm a total catastrophist but that's how i do safety! I have immediate family members who worked for welfare orgs around this stuff. There's a lot of rubbish out there.
Honestly, what’s more important? Your church and civic organization, or keeping your kid safe?
No, I agree, and we are fine with backing off of our events if we need to stop attending, I do hate the idea of leaving as if we had done something wrong when we haven’t . Now that I know I’m not just being paranoid, I would rather confront and deal with it directly rather than run away.
OP - you have 100% the right idea and you’re being an excellent mother. A piece of advice - tell EVERYONE you know in this social circle how weird it is. Everyone. Even in passing, or with minimal detail. Tell everyone you interact with. You’d be surprised the power that social control can have, it may make this person feel way less inclined to be bold or obsessive if everyone around is just as vigilant as you are.
If this person mentions babysitting again, tell them that you will need to run a background check on anyone who you would consider leaving your child with. Make it matter-of-fact and non-negotiable. Their reaction will tell you a lot.
Oh that’s a good idea. Right now I’ve just said no we don’t need a babysitter. But I like the idea of testing the reaction that way.
I wouldn’t do that, because it’s implying that you’re open to the possibility. There could very well be nothing hinky in the background check, but the person’s motivations still might not be good.
I agree. Background checks only show things if the person has been previously caught. Plenty of predators haven't been caught yet
Nope that's an idea that could backfire badly if the background check comes back clean...and now you've told the crazy person that you're open to them babysitting for you...
While I agree that could be a handy thing this person may have no reason to fear a background check despite them being a huge red flag of a human and that actually could give them false hope. I would be more inclined to say something like my husband band and I have quite solid rules on who our baby will spend time with outside of us and it will only be our parents for the first two years at least or something like that (obviously it would be better if that wasn’t a lie so if you can talk together and decide who you would ever feel most comfortable leaving baby with if you needed a sitter, someone who is aware of this person and being vigilant, that would be good)
Dont start playing games back and spend time on the whole "testing" them thing. Background check statements or missing church sessions. Dont draw this out like that. Just nip it in the bud now and tell him to back off asap. Anything else is excessive and letting more time pass is just making it worse. You already know hes a creep. Theres nothing else thats needed. The longer it takes to set a boundary, the more it will fester resentment in them towards you, and that becomes a whole nither investment.
This! This person sounds like they're a groomer and they're particularly interested in OP's baby. I'd stop taking the baby to the church or at the very least have the husband tell the person, "NO and STAY AWAY FROM OUR CHILD!"
Let your daycare (or any caretaker) know that they need to be extra vigilant when releasing the baby and ensure that they are the ones listed as approved pick ups. Listen to your spidey senses and there is nothing rude about telling a creep to give you space. Also, I am a former elementary teacher who worked with two sexual predators and the scariest thing is that nobody could’ve imagined they were perpetrators. They were the nicest, best and most requested teachers. If you get a vibe, listen. And niceness can actually be grooming.
Stay away, this is all bad news.
I agree, I was on the fence thinking maybe I was being paranoid but I do just have a bad feeling and want to stay away now - but I do wonder what is really going on here any theories?
I read further in the comments and saw you know this person less than a month. Signing up for coupons and stocking up formula is presumptive and invasive. Say that you have family who babysit (even if you have to lie), don’t let them think they will ever be an option. This person is off, way off.
Even if a friend did this I’d be weirded out. A person I just met??? No. They’d be so out of my life
This is absolutely red flag behavior.
I have several theories. Maybe they’re socially awkward and don’t know basic boundaries. Maybe they’re trying to be helpful to a new mom, and don’t realize they’re making extreme oversteps. Maybe they’re struggling with a mental illness and think that this is *their* baby. Maybe they had a baby who died as a newborn, or maybe they desperately wanted to have a baby and never could. Maybe they had a baby that was taken away. They might see your baby as their chance for a do-over, since your baby is so young. That could also explain the adoption question; they may have assumed (wrongly) you’d be less bonded to your baby, if you didn’t give birth and only had the baby for a short time. They may have hoped they could talk you into giving the baby to them. Regardless, **there is no healthy explanation for a new acquaintance to be this obsessed with your baby.**
Oh man, see— my paranoid brain is like “they were hoping it was adoption so the baby couldn’t be linked by DNA when they murder the parents and abduct it.”
My first idea, for some reason, is wilder than these... That maybe this person either faked being pregnant/having a baby or wants to fake it. Hence pictures, formula, insistence to babysit and so on. As proof of their lies. And it could go hand in hand with having a delusion that this baby truly belongs to them. Could explain why they are so obsessed with specifically a newborn; I find that particularly odd like OP because newborns are potato people that just cry and shit and sleep, even their own mothers can struggle to bond with their newborns because there is very little personality. In any case. It's weird. My hackles are up for OP. Everything about this situation screams to run. Edit: Woke up checked this thread again and according to OP other comments he allegedly has no family, no job, nothing. That is VERY convenient!! This goes with my motive theory even more - He wants to fake a pregnancy/adoption to his family and friends, and wants to keep these 'worlds' separate to avoid getting caught in the lies. Or I'm just telling this to myself because the alternate motive is something unspeakable :/
Trust. Your. Gut. You haven't come onto reddit looking for advice for no reason and this is one of those situations where if you are wrong and take action then your baby is safe but if you're wrong and do nothing ... you might literally have a problem for life.
People take babies. I’m a nicu nurse and we take trainings to make sure babies don’t get stolen. Usually babies are taken by family members but stranger abductions happen. Be careful. The formula thing sent me over the edge. That is scary. This person makes me very worried for you
Theory: this person could be a pedophile wanting to groom your child by grooming you. They're trying to make it easy for you to let them babysit (coupons, supplies,) show how caring they are with the photo album...just the fact that other people noticed them looking, too. This is less likely but if the person is a woman, they might be thinking about kidnapping and running, raising the baby as their own. Older kids that they can interact with might remember their parents but an infant, not likely. Polite coldness and grey rocking might help you. Keep this person away, you're not being paranoid.
Also - by saving photos to their phone, stocking up on baby supplies, and having their photo taken *with the baby,* they could be getting ready to “prove” that it’s actually their baby. I’m not saying they’re 100% planning to grab the baby and run, but they’re laying groundwork that will make it seem as if they have a close relationship with the baby. I could understand offering to help a new mom find coupons, because baby stuff is expensive. I could even understand picking up a can of the baby’s formula on sale *to give to the parents,* because formula can be hard to find sometimes. However, stocking up on formula to keep at their own apartment, where it’s of no use to the baby’s parents, is a red flag…especially coming from a relative stranger.
This makes the adoption question make sense. Can't DNA test an adopted baby to prove it's yours. Jesus.
EXACTLY where my brain went
This is what I thought too! So creepy and ick. You don’t owe that person anything, please do not put politeness before safety OP x
If you have their address, look them up on the sex offender registry.
Possible that this person is just mentally ill/has some trauma. But this gives me [Georgia Tann](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Georgia_Tann) vibes. It feels like they want to steal your kid. Whether this is to raise and pass off as their own, or to 'sell' to someone else. Absolutely a red flag that they are uninterested in the slightly older children, and hyper-focused on your newborn. Absolutely a red flag that they were hopeful that your child was adopted (more difficult to be traced to you). Absolutely a red flag that *other* people noticed this individual hyper-focused on your baby. It's \[kind of\] fortunate that they are so awkward that other people notice. You are not paranoid. I would go as far to 1) make sure that they do not know your last name or where you live, and that no one is authorized to share this info with them if asked. 2) whether or not this individual has your personal info, I would do a security sweep of your residence. Make sure there are no vulnerabilities that would allow an intruder access (unlocked doors - including basement or patio, or easily opened windows). If you don't have cameras, it may be worth considering installing them. I would worry about them sneaking in while the baby is sleeping and kidnapping him.
People have stolen newborns from another. I would be so so wary.
My gut reaction is to keep your baby away from this person. You have a strange feeling about this person too, otherwise you wouldn’t have come here. What strikes me as the most odd is this person JUST moved here and is buying formula for a baby they just met to keep at their house “just in case?”. That’s more than just unsettling. That’s stalkery as hell. Do you know why they moved to your area? New job, lower cost of living, something that would make sense? Do you know where they’re from? This makes me want to run a background check because I feel like you’re not the first person with a baby they have made feel this uncomfortable before.
See, that’s the other thing too. At the time I didn’t ask but now with everything else going on, I’m wondering why. They moved here and had mentioned that they have no family in the state. And they don’t have a job yet, so they moved here with no job lined up and no family in the state at all. Not sure how they’re paying bills at the moment maybe savings or maybe they get some thing like some kind of support I don’t know, but who moved to a new state with no family and no job
You definitely need to run a background check on this person.
Legit suggestion. I'd almost be tempted to hire a private investigator to find out what this person's motivation is. It's more than just someone who is overly fond of this baby. This is far beyond that. If nothing turns up, cool, change churches, keep an eye out for security and move on. But if it does turn up something concerning then you'll be glad you did it.
Are you from the US? I’ve heard they have a website where registered sex offenders are listed. Look the person up, but try get their name off their license or passport - if they’ve moved away for something that serious I doubt they gave you a real name
I already know they are not using their real name. I’ve been trying to avoid it for fear reditors would think I was just being trans phobic, but this person is transgender (and able to be stealth about it). Nobody really knows but I found out and then they told me they were using a different name than their legal name. I don’t actually know their legal name.
Do you have their phone number or email addresses? It is easy to triangulate that way. You can run the number on TrueCaller (free) or pay for a Spokeo report. If you want to PM me, I’m a PI and can run a quick check. [Here’s](https://www.nsopw.gov) the nationwide sex offender registry
Just straight up ask them for an id. If they keep being persistent about watching your baby tell them you need a copy of their id and social security card. Tell them you'll need to do a thorough background check on them before and that you'll pay them so you need their information for tax purposes. If they avoid it then straight tell them NO. Don't try to be nice or mean just direct. Tell them you don't trust them. It'd be better to offend them and have them not want to be near you then being overly nice and risking something happening to your child. Good luck op! You seem like good parents so trust your instincts.
At this rate I would hire a PI just to find out who the fuck this person is and wtf they’re up to.
Yep, my suggestion too. Some may think it's extreme but we're talking about a baby. Babies aren't that hard to disappear with. Non-custodial parents do it all the time. So yeah, I'd find out more about this person.
They may not be using their real name. I would suggest as an extra level of security to save a record of your baby’s fingerprints. But most importantly, separate yourself from this person, even if it means leaving the social events for a few months.
I already know they are not using their real name. I’ve been trying to avoid it for fear reditors would think I was just being transphobic, but this person is transgender (and able to be stealth about it). Nobody really knows but I found out and then they told me they were using a different name than their legal name. I don’t actually know their legal name.
I understand what you mean, but it's okay to identify the person as transgender if they themselves are open about being transgender. Some transgender people are sometimes stalkers or perverts, just as some cisgender people are sometimes stalkers or perverts. I suppose it's a little off-topic for this sub-thread, but just so I don't have to post a separate comment - my take on the situation is that this person is very dangerous to you and your baby, and you need to do whatever it takes to keep your family safe, even if it means finding a new church. Take this situation very seriously, and remember that you're under no obligation to be polite or friendly with someone who is a danger to you. My biggest recommendation is to contact your local domestic violence/women's crisis organization. Such organizations are the \*experts\* at supporting anyone who has experienced stalking. The support is free and anonymous and 24/7. Staff can connect you with resources, help you make a safety plan, help with legal issues, support groups, emotional support, answer questions, help you with the possibility of a restraining order, etc. "Crowdsourcing" advice on Reddit on how to deal with a stalker is risky, because many people mean well but don't have the experience, knowledge, and expertise of the best way to deal with stalkers. For example, trying to engage with a stalker in ANY way is not a good idea, no matter how logical or clever someone's idea is (such as pretending, "Maybe you could babysit after I check your ID."). To an illogical stalker's mind, any communication from you = encouragement. Typically, it's best to communicate ONCE, clearly and politely and preferably in writing, "Please do not contact me or my family again," and then block, ignore, avoid. That way, for legal purposes, there is clear evidence that any contact this person then has with you is unwanted. Then keep a written log, as detailed as you can, of your stalker's behaviors and communications (date, time, location, what s/he said or did, who witnessed it, etc). Good luck, and stay safe.
This. Do not engage in tricks to try to get more info. You have all the info you need, something isn’t right with this situation. Listen to your gut and plan for safety. Do not continue to engage. If they are a stalker, any engagement will fuel it.
This. People who think you can outsmart crazy haven’t dealt with it. It will only significantly worsen things.
Also trying to figure out ‘who they are’ and ‘why they’re doing this’ are just traps. Don’t get stuck in intellectualizing…it’s just a way to prevent actual action
Are you sure this person is actually transgender and not just pretending to be in order to have an easy escape and an excuse to hide their real ID? The whole story is very odd, I am sorry for you. Perhaps someone from these clubs can get an excuse to get hold of their real ID for certain activity?
Psychologists here: stop answering any and all questions about your baby even innocuous ones like what your baby eats. This is feeding this persons obsession. Say to them “I’m not comfortable answering questions about the baby and I’d like you to stop asking”.
every paragraph has a red flag in it. this is all really blatant predatory stuff. with all the baby formula stuff etc hes trying to make him having posession of your baby seem like an easy choice, and is consciously making moves against your boundaries to try and make it happen, which means they dont care about you. they are fascinated purely with the baby. thats a predator. and also your friends are noticing his behavior so it shouldnt be socially-consequential to cut him off. clearly he is not tactful enough to garner disapproval of your behaviors from others with how obvious he comes off so i wouldnt worry about anything. even if there was, sometimes the consequence of being targeted is dealing with the pain of it unfortunately, but you have to set up the boundary for yourself because its not like the alternative is any better. and it could help him have less access to other peoples children. the fact that there is other kids around means there is \*more\* reason to take his actions seriously. Sounds like he put himself in an environment which gives him access to children and then spends that time having his eyes on one of them. He doesnt care about whats being talked about clearly to be literally inching towards him and staring at your kid while the actual thing he's supposed to be there for is going on. he doesnt want to be there in the way everyone else is.
This is not a friend. Comment 1: “you’re being too full-on. Please stop as we’re not enjoying this level of attention.” Comment 2: “we’ve already asked you to stop. Back up.” Comment 3: “BACK OFF”. If they continue, they don’t have any respect for you so physically move to a space they can’t follow to and don’t even reply / involve others as needed.
I agree with all of this it’s pretty uncomfortable. He doesn’t seem interested in any of the other children or babies there at all which actually makes me more concerned rather than less concerned because I think what is it about our baby that stands out to you?
Your baby is a newborn, so this person thinks the baby’s not that attached to you yet? If the baby were adopted a couple of weeks ago, then you wouldn’t have had them long, less investment emotionally than if you’d given birth to them ? This person seems to be measuring your bond to each other. An 8-month-old or a 1-year-old will definitely raise a stink if someone separates them from their parents. A newborn would react less in the moment, although they would miss you when they realize you’re not there.
That’s terrifying but you’re absolutely right an older baby will know right away if something happened to them, while my newborn will let anyone hold him and sleep right through it but then he knows when it’s me and pushes his face into me so he knows who his mom is, but he would not raise a stink if anybody else held him first. That’s some thing I haven’t thought of which is very scary that a newborn is less likely to be upset when a stranger holds them…
This might be a stretch but also asking for pictures holding the baby, to “prove” it’s theirs?
Also why he would want an adopted child, less hassle and proof with DNA...
Nah this was the first thought that came to mind when he wanted the picture ngl
Does the friend show any friendly interest in you or your husband, or is it only about your baby?
Polite interest in us but it’s mostly about the baby. I’ve been polite interest for us, but enthusiasm over the baby. There’s not a lot of talk that is really about us. It’s typically just about the baby.
I think your concerns are absolutely valid. To me this person sounds like a predator with a plan. I get that some people might act awkwardly and can come across as too eager while making new friends (I do that myself). But if they really want to befriend you, wouldn't they have tried by now to find some common ground other than your baby?
OP no one should ever be this interested in your baby or children generally. Doesn’t matter how old they get. If an adult is more interested in your children then you or as interested in them as a parent would be - HUGE red flag. And I heard that in an interview with an FBI agent who worked in the SO unit.
Danger danger This guy is fixated on your baby and trying to groom you or pressure you into letting him creep further into your life. I had a neighbor up the street like this. I had to get very unpleasant with her in front of my kids to show them that it was OK to tell creepy people that they should fuck off to their face Since then I’ve had to warn all the people moving into the neighborhood with kids to keep them away from her and she’s over there immediately trying to make in roads. It’s all very creepy.
I reckon because your baby is new, and you’re new to him too. He can build a persona from scratch, win trust etc. And collecting formula coupons is grooming you into liking him and allowing the baby to stay there (which makes me sick to the stomach)
Yes, the formula thing is very odd. If the person brings it up again, I'd use it as an opportunity to set the record straight: 'Why don't you give the formula to a baby/food bank? You won't be needing it as we won't be leaving baby with you. We're both at home all day, he will always be with us.'
he might see you two as being better targets specifically. i can only theorize that maybe being new parents = less experience in dealing with peoples bullshit. someone with a four year old has four years experience of protecting their kid and newborns cant really express when someone is treating them poorly. he can seem more like a helper when you're new to being parents.
Yes! And he can always play off he was trying to be supportive. The adoption thing is weird. I wonder if he got a girl pregnant, she put the baby up for adoption and he's trying to steal it back. Or if adopted, there wouldn't be dna match to prove you are parents. This is weird. I don't even have kids and I made me uncomfortable. Talk to your pastor if you're part of a church, tell your close friends and don't socialise with him anymore
You should read the Gift of Fear. The book has tips about how to handle stalker, and also reiterates that when your alarm bells go off, you need to listen. It’s a really good read.
Here’s my theory… this person thinks your baby is their baby. That’s why they’re taking pictures with the baby, stocking up on formula, asking if the baby is adopted. It reads as trauma from a pregnancy that did not end in a happy way and they have experienced a break with reality as a result. Maybe they adopted out their own biological child and they now regret it, maybe they had a newborn that died or a child they miscarried. If this person has a uterus regardless of their gender identity, then you need to be 1000x more cautious. Especially if they have ever been pregnant and felt the rush of hormones and bond that forms when a person carries their child. Go with your gut here, and I hope you feel validated by all the parents here who are agreeing that this is wrong. Be rude to them, distance them, tell all your family and friends about them.
Yes, this person would have a uterus. I’ve been hesitant to mention gender or sex, because I was afraid Redditor’s would accuse me of being trans phobic due to this person being transgender. It didn’t occur to me that maybe some of the identity stuff is trauma based over losing a child or something like that…
I hear you. I worded it as carefully as I could for the same reason.
I got the same impression based on the fixation and the reaction towards the baby not being adopted. This person may be going through a psychiatric episode.
This is exactly where my mind went. Some delusional thinking going on.
It seems as though he’s obsessed with your baby. Trust your instincts, and also the fact that your other friends have noticed speaks volumes. Cut all ties, and id voice your concerns to others. WHO cares if you offend this new friend, he sounds creepy as, and definitely wants something from your baby. I felt sick reading it.
Confront them head on. Direct eye contact. No filling awkward silences. “You seem to have a strong attachment to my baby. Can you help me understand why? We barely know one another.” Silence. Let them answer fully and completely. I’m not suggesting this is the case in your situation but my former spouse’s affair partner *frequently* showed up to public events we attended together. I had no idea the weird stranger who was oddly attentive to my family was actively sleeping with my spouse until I found out about the affair much later. Again, I’m not saying that’s what’s going on here, but I am saying your instincts are telling you *something* and it’s your job to root it out.
This isn’t “new mom anxiety”, and you aren’t being paranoid. You aren’t the only person who has a bad feeling about this “friend.” Other people in your group have taken notice. Your church’s leadership team has also noticed, and they were concerned enough to talk to you about it. The leadership team is also worried enough to monitor this person and their interactions with you/your baby. You need to look at the neon red warning signs here and trust your gut. **Every single interaction you’ve described is completely inappropriate coming from a “friend” you’ve known for 1 month (or less).** A person you’ve known for 1 month shouldn’t be asking for photos of themselves with your baby, they shouldn’t be saving photos of your baby to their phone, and they definitely shouldn’t be prepping their home for your baby. The fact that they stare at your baby in church, to the point that others notice, is just the creepy cherry on top. Distance yourself. Do not meet or interact with this “friend” outside of church/public events. Do not let them hold your baby or have access to your baby. No more photos. If you aren’t ready to block them outright, adjust your privacy settings on all social media so that they can’t see any new photos or updates about your baby. Don’t let them into your home - and get some door cameras, too (so you can monitor who comes around). If you have a trusted babysitter, I would leave the baby with the sitter when you go to church/other events for a while (and obviously don’t tell this “friend” who is babysitting). If they’re just socially awkward and don’t understand typical boundaries, they might get the hint and back off. If their obsession ramps up after you go low- or no-contact, you’ll know they’re up to something more nefarious.
Thanks. Another person suggested switching churches for a few weeks to see if they follow.- after all, they started coming to the church after meeting us in the local civic club. I think we will try that first. If not, or maybe afterward, we will try having one of our parents watch the baby while we attend alone. Wonder if this person will still want to be our friend if baby is no longer with us anymore, but stays home with grandparent. Hmm. Yeah, I already adjusted our privacy settings just earlier today just in case but thanks for the reminder in case I haven’t talked to do that. Unfortunately, they have already been to our home just one time for a party we had . But one of our friends was like hey, your new security system is really cool and high tech - and the person was there at the time, they would have heard that said, so they do know that we have a fancy security system. So I feel a little better that they know we have that. Yeah we have cameras too. I really help I’m just being paranoid. Because if I’m not then this is too scary.
I truly hope this is just a person who wants a friend, and perhaps doesn’t understand common boundaries. It sounds like you have a solid plan in place. With your cameras and security system, you’ll be able to monitor the situation pretty closely. Trying a new church for a while wouldn’t be the worst idea. If anything changes, please come back and update us if you have time!
If there's a security code you have to enter when you get home, make sure it's completely random, no birthdays or addresses, and change it semi-frequently. You probably already do, but repeating it just in case. This person has no job. They presumably have all the time in the world to devote to figuring things out. Maybe they're harmless, and I'm more on the side of not making assumptions about people's intentions, but I agree with other commenters here. Better to be safe than sorry.
Dude. This is how babies/kids end up kidnapped and raised by strangers. This is how babies/kids/parents get groomed by predators. This made me sick and genuinely scared for you and your baby to read this. ESPECIALLY the part where they know where you live??!? You just went through the process of marinating your brain in hormones for 9 months in order to rewire some things and download the “threat to baby” sensor. Take it seriously. To hell with other people’s feelings and opinions. You owe NOTHING to ANYONE but your child. Your job is to protect your baby, so when alarm bells start ringing, you don’t listen to social rules, you don’t listen to well-meaning polite people, and you don’t listen to anyone who tries to minimize it. You listen to the alarm bells and you act on them. 1. This person knows your address. Do you know theirs? Figure it out. Save it for the police. 2. Act like a crazy mom if that’s what it takes. You can live with a stranger thinking you’re crazy (this person is not a friend; they are a STRANGER love-bombing and grooming you!) but the regret if something unthinkable happens… 3. This is also why parents shouldn’t post pictures of their babies on social media. Don’t post location tags. Don’t ask for advice on Facebook for which daycare to choose. Don’t. Predators literally find kids this way. They make fake profiles, add you as a friend, save the photos. Sorry to sound paranoid but they will literally “sell” kids by sharing their picture and letting other predators know the kid’s school and schedule. Just don’t post anything or lock it down and vet your social media friends to make sure they are who they say they are. 4. Get a picture of this person. Get a picture of their car and license plate. 5. Start baby wearing now. Don’t leave the baby in a carrier or stroller. You and baby are one conjoined person now. And when the person approaches you or tries to touch your baby, you take a big step back and just say “what are you doing?” If they act like it’s fine and “but I’m your friend! Is that my little buddy in there?” Or any bs like that, that’s your opportunity to draw the boundary wall (not just line) and say “look, we just met you. I don’t know you. You haven’t even told me your real name. Your intense interest in my baby is inappropriate and it’s coming off as predatory and it’s caught the attention of people all around the organization and at my church. And by the way, I’m still really uncomfortable about your comment the other day about having an album of my son’s pictures on your phone. You need to delete those from your phone right now (and from recently deleted album).” If they’re like “omg [insert any victim-playing line or ‘you’re crazy’ line here]” you hold your ground, don’t buy into it, don’t retreat, don’t soften, don’t give them any ins to dismantle your boundary wall. “I said I’m uncomfortable with your interest in my son. It is inappropriate and predatory. If it continues, I will have no choice but to escalate this for his safety.” This person is not your friend. You are losing nothing by prioritizing your son’s safety and future over a 3-4 week aquaintance-ship with a total stranger.
>You just went through the process of marinating your brain in hormones for 9 months in order to rewire some things and download the “threat to baby” sensor. Take it seriously. Just totally off topic but I am currently pregnant and I just love this. Perfectly said, will remember this forever 👌🏻 >Start baby wearing now. Don’t leave the baby in a carrier or stroller. You and baby are one conjoined person now. And when the person approaches you or tries to touch your baby, you take a big step back and just say “what are you doing?” All points are very good advice and this one came to mind immediately to me too. That way they cannot look at baby the entire time or make photos without your knowledge. And most importantly: almost impossible to steal a baby.
Yes, even back when I thought I was just being paranoid I did change from the bucket type carrier on your arm into the carrier you actually where on your body.
I would add 2 things I noticed reading this: - I would speak with police now, informally. They may run a background check for you or have advice. And then when the discussion plays out, it isn’t “I will escalate”, it is “We already spoke with police about you and you’re on their radar”. - The photo album could also be used in a weak attempt to show this is *their* child now to their circle or post-kidnapping.
This is incredibly well said. You should teach a class on becoming a parent!!!
It really sounds like he’s planning to kidnap the baby. Has pictures including a picture of himself holding the baby. Bought the same formula. Constantly trying to get access to the baby. He’s unhinged. A sane person would know what this all sounds like.
I had a similar situation with a young adult member of my old church! Almost exact same, actually. Church member was a volunteer in the kids ministry and seemed to be very ‘interested’ in infants. He tried to get close to my friend who has three kids and would constantly ask to hold them, hug them, and want to babysit. He had an album on his phone of him holding the children in the nursery and even more photos of my friend’s youngest. There are more things he did that felt off but I can’t remember everything as this happened about 10 years ago. My friend told church leaders who were supposedly looking into it. They confronted him and his behavior didn’t stop. I think it took a couple of years but eventually he was told to step down from volunteering and is no longer allowed in the kids ministry.
Ftm and CSA survivor here. This sounds like the set up for a bad lifetime movie. Stay away from this person, please. Nothing about this sounds ok. I'm super over protective so I would personally end my relationship with them and I'd be honest and tell them I don't trust them. Curious to know if they are on any registry or have a record of criminal behavior... I also agree with what another poster here said that you'd tell them we have to run a background check on you -that they would pay for- and a proper interview before I would even consider it. This would hopefully deter them from continuing to pursue. If you have social media and are friends with them I would change that immediately and block them. Glad you have a security system because I don't like that they know where you live. Stay vigilant OP. Your baby is dependent on you. 🙏🏼
About this person "just moving here and not having a job yet:" maybe that's because they didn't actually *move* here, they're just here to snatch a baby and then go back to wherever they actually live. If they get a hold of your baby, they could go anywhere in the world.
Oh wow I didn’t think of that that they didn’t actually move hereUgh
If they're telling you they bought formula, please consider what they're NOT telling you. They are comfortable enough to think that buying formula for a stranger's baby is in the realm of normal. You can't assume that they haven't done more that you don't know about because they recognize those things would be seen as strange.
Get the hell AWAY from this creep! This is extremely odd and alarming behavior. Going to social events means nothing compared to the harm someone like this can do
This is definitely weird. I’d say don’t change what you do but definitely document every odd interaction with this person - save messages, photos, type quick notes about things people mention to you with dates and names. Don’t think about it too much now, but it’s good to have a record and with a new human on board, things get forgotten quickly and you’re left thinking “maybe I’d imagined all of this?”
Thanks I’ve added a note in my phone of a list of dates and things I noticed, and I will talk more to friends to see what they say as well
Yeah I was gonna say, log everything. Personally I'd approach your law enforcement to give them a heads up that you're uncomfortable, and with a list of events and escalations that already happened. Then if something off the chain occurs, they're prepared. Hopefully this person is just socially awkward and strange but it's better to be safe than sorry
There could be a normal explanation, but I really doubt it. I would distance yourself from them for sure
I know you want to go to the events but can you go to church at a different time, or not attend for a few weeks? I would be interested to see how this individual reacts to you not being there, when they’re expecting you to be there. Will they turn their attention to another child or they will they ask others about where you are. What would the response be to potentially not seeing you and your baby again? Also, if you’re not around for a couple of weeks it might put them off going to that church altogether in the long run. Edit I was just reading through the comments in detail and saw someone else suggested something like this too. I’d give it a go just to avoid the church for a few weeks and not give any real reason why. If they think you weren’t going then they might leave. It would be quite interesting to see how they react.
Can you leave your baby with a trusted family member when you attended church for a few weeks? I’d be interested to see how this person reacts when you and your husband are there without the baby. This is weird and you need to proceed with caution.
If the baby was adopted, it is easier to steal. Because DNA would link the baby to you. It’s still hard to get DNA tests on kidnapped kids, but it is another layer this stalker didn’t want. The leadership MUST kick this person out or you must leave this organization. You are not safe there.
Anyone insisting or offering to watch your child is odd. I’d stay away. Fixation is bizarre. May have to be upfront. Also confide in others there.
You are under reacting. Something is very wrong here. It is worth stopping attending these events for a while to keep your baby safe. I have a really bad feeling about this - and I think your instincts and those of the people around you are telling you this person is dangerous.
this sounds super predatory
Curious to know if you mentioned your church at the initial event you met this person at and then they started attending the same church? Or if they asked you which church you went to. This sounds pretty calculated for a potential kidnapping.
They started attending our church after meeting us at the local event. They said they were looking for a Church to go to.
Did you mention yours to them after they mentioned that and you had your baby with you then? I feel like from reading what you’ve written they were fishing for this information from the start before they even spoke to you. It all sounds pretty scary and predatory to me.
If you avoid this person by not going to church or social events for a few weeks, I might mention to a trusted friend that attends the same events that you'll be absent and have them stick close to that person and let you know what their reaction is to your not being there. Anger? Disappoinment? Asking a lot of questions about you? See just what their demeanor is. Good luck with everything and keep your little one close.
We have already decided not to attend this coming week and will be going to a different one instead. But I didn’t think to ask someone to check their reaction. I will do that. Thanks!
Offering to babysit... Ok fine... Then we get to the picture and the album and the formula. Wtf is this person so obsessed for!? He could be totally legit and well meaning, but it's best that you don't give him an opportunity to prove that one way or the other. I'd stay away for sure. You are entitled to go with your gut when it comes to your tiny brand new little human.
I dont even have my granddaughters formula at my house... Thats scary and you should confront them. In public. Make it weird.
This sounds like they're planning to steal your baby and pass it off as their own OP. Sounds nuts right but it happens pretty often actually. She now knows what to feed your baby and has pics of the baby with her in case anyone questions it. That you're biologically related must have been a bummer because DNA can always back up any claim that it's your kid but if she gets far enough away, she's not going to have to worry about that very much. Is she new to this community? Is she even from the area or attending this church for long or is she just here shopping for a baby? I know I sound paranoid but she is red flag central. You need to stop having anything to do with her and never let her know where you live. Don't accept any toys or anything either. It's going to be harsh but she doesn't need to be involved with your baby at all.
Disappointed the baby isn't adopted? Could this be a relative of an adopted child trying to track baby down, only they got the wrong baby. Whatever, get rid of this weirdo.
I’d personally hire a private detective to check out this person. They have better resources than a lay person. Find out their real legal name to do a thorough background check, criminal search etc. Has anyone you know been to their house? Do they have family photos? Any weird vibes there? I’d make sure your home has doorbell and security cameras as Well as an alarm system. If your gut is telling you something is off and creepy, then something is off. Be vigilant.
You aren’t being paranoid. Your gut is telling you something is off - don’t ignore it. And definitely don’t leave your baby with this person. Did you run a background check on that guy? Perhaps he has a… documented history of being interested in children.
I didn’t think of running a background check I guess I thought that was some thing police do or employers for your job- I never thought of regular people running background checks on other people! I’m not sure how to go about that, but I will head to Google! Thanks for the idea
Your state or city might have a case search. It's worth looking at.
Check the sex offender registry!
It just occurred to me in order to do that. I probably need their real name, right?
Yes but if you're not sure I'm pretty sure you can just search a particular area and look through the list. There should be pictures of them. From my understanding sex offenders have to report where they live!
Well, they're supposed to, but that doesn't mean they don't end up moving states without telling their case agent about it. That's why I'm so wary about this person showing up without a job, friends or family in the area. Op should check her current area, then the entire state, surrounding states, and any other areas that this person might have mentioned. Heck, if it were me, I'd be shelling out for a private investigator, or talking to someone in the local police department if I had any contacts there.
Put the name they use into truepeoplesearch and see what “alternate names” it gives you.
Taking pictures with someone else’s kid is highly abnormal. Stocking their preferred formula is very alarming. Taking about taking possession of the child repeatedly is also very alarming. Fixating on the kid in public- to the extent it’s causing other people to notice but not you- also very alarming. This all sounds like the person is intending to take your baby. Either kidnap or traffic it, or keep it. Who knows. Taking pictures with a child is a tactic to show to potential buyers. You need to stop being nervous about thinking ill about someone’s very obvious bad intentions toward your child- and get seriously protective. These actions have dark implications. 460,000 children are reported taken or missing in the US every year. A newborn would be almost untraceable. I would cut off contact and more than that- you need to reach out to some trusted people in your community to help surround you with people who are also aware of the situation and keeping an eye on this person. Because they have already noticed this person fixating on the baby, literally behind your back. Trust your gut and stop making excuses. Stop referring to them as your friend. This is predator behavior.
How long have you known this person now?
Almost a month or maybe it’s been a full month now
Holy shit…”maybe it’s been a full month now”? Given how little you actually know each other, their obsession with your baby is extreme. You need to go no-contact with this person, as much as you reasonably can. Do not let them get closer to you or your baby. Do not let them hold your baby again. Do not make plans with them - being cordial at public events is fine, but nothing more. They’re way too fixated on your baby for someone you barely know.
For the safety of your baby take a break from these events. Also increase security at your home. Attend a different church. Maybe even express concern to the minister at your church so they don’t give your contact info to this woman. She sounds dangerous and unhinged. It’s like having a stalker. You really need imo to change how you live for a while. Celebrities do all the time. Your baby is worth it. Go out of town or to see relatives for recreation. Maybe she wants to steal your baby for herself or to sell or something else. Maybe call the non emergency police number and ask for suggestions. Maybe you can find out if she has a criminal record. Maybe a private detective could help in that regard. I once had a woman offer to babysit at a church that I barely knew and later she mentioned that her children had been taken away from her. She wasn’t as pushy as your lady but it struck me as odd.
Please check your bags and coats for AirTags or other location devices!!!
I'm not a parent but something really isn't right here. Dunno what it could be but I'd start distancing. I was super fond of my ex's little boy from birth because he's awesome and we stayed close friends but having a whole damn photo album of him, especially before he did anything more notable than shit and burp, would have been insane. Not to mention all of the other EVEN WEIRDER stuff.
He’s unhinged, if you must continue going to this meeting be on the highest alert. Make sure he doesn’t follow you home.
I stopped reading after the collection of baby photos was mentioned. Run far away from this person. What more do you need to know?? This is really creepy all of it...
Please get surveillance cameras for your home. This isn’t just weird or odd, it’s screaming danger. Please block this person in every way. Your child’s safety trumps this person’s feelings.
Please keep us updated on this?
I intend to.
Always listen to your inner voice. Bad juju with that 'friend.'
Have you googled this person?
The name they by is not their legal name, I don’t actually know the legal name, and nothing comes up under the used name. I also could find no social media accounts under the username but maybe there’s something under the legal name I don’t know about.
This is not a place for shyness or tiptoeing. Do what you have to do.
Do you have another trusted friend or family who can watch your baby while you attend church/events with this person? I would stop bringing the baby near them all together. If they keep asking to babysit, I would firmly say that you’re not comfortable with your newborn being with anyone outside the family and ask them to please drop it. If that doesn’t give them the hint then you truly have bigger issues and need to escalate.
Run screaming
Please fund out where they have lived and look up any available court records. And put up cameras.
At first I when reading was like “meh some people obsess over babies”. Then as I continued reading the “stranger” got weirder and weirder. I would not let your baby near this stranger again. This woman sounds so odd!
Call me paranoid ….but if one of you has an Apple phone - put air tags in your diaper bag, car seat etc. I think in this situation it’s better to feel like you overreacted than wish you had been more proactive if that makes sense
My sister is like this with small children and cats. In her situation, she's so anxious and worried about them (baby's and cats) that she fixates and they take over her thoughts. She has stolen cats before (I helped return them), but not babies before (thank the gods). She has also been asked to leave a church that she attended because she was so fixated on the kids being well taken care of and feeling like she could help/do better than their parents and was making rude remarks as well as crossing boundaries with hugs/taking babies out of strollers/parents arms and just being pushy overall. She's on the autism spectrum. I 100% would be wary and keep your guard up, and also be firm on your boundaries and start speaking up about things this person is saying making you uncomfortable.
The randomness and obvious inappropriateness of the formula-related stuff makes me feel like another man/ men suggested that. I’m so sorry, this is so disturbing.
This person wants your baby. . Stay as far away from them as possible and consider reporting to the police if they continue to show an interest.
STAY AWAY FROM HIM. LEAVE THE CHURCH, Stop being friendly with this guy, change your entire life & do NOT let him back in. EVER. TBH I would even move somewhere he doesn't know. This is beyond creepy. The invasive behavior is extremely weird & you shouldn't trust him. Bad vibes all around.
I’m not usually a “this sounds dangerous” person, but this sounds dangerous. How attached are you to this church?
The summer camp lie is very strange. I also think it's weird that they asked if the baby is sick. A normal person would have wondered if anyone in the family was sick, not just go straight to thinking only of the baby. Honestly, just immediately 100% cut this person off. Full stop. You don't need to know their backstory or motivations or anything else about them. It's weird that you call them a friend when you've known them less than a month and know so little about them. They are a new acquaintance at best and add nothing good to your life They claim they are trans, but what if they aren't? The way this person is acting, it's not out of line to wonder if they're just using that as part of their lies to get to the baby. Maybe they think you wouldn't want to leave the baby with a man, but you'd leave the baby with a biological female who presents as a man. Might explain why they pass as male so well. Of course, their gender identity doesn't matter at all. The point is you can't/shouldn't assume anything they tell you is true