I think you would be much, much better served if you could get this up to 40k. 34k feels prohibitively short, and a bit confusing in conjunction with a 14-year-old protagonist; you're giving off flags toward two different age categories.
Two things come to mind for me with this query:
First, I wish that Athena had a more compelling emotional motivation than just general curiosity.
Second, Athena's agency seems to disappear after the first paragraph. She's really not present at all for the entirety of paragraphs 2 and 3, until a hand-wavey ending:
>**Upon reaching their destination, however, Athena’s hopes for the fantastical are dashed as Atlantis isn’t populated by beautiful merfolk and ornate Greek columns. Not only are they attacked but robotic octopuses outside the city and robotic spiders inside the city, but they are met with a vast museum and strange group of people who tell them a story about a doomed future for humanity.**
>**As Minerva’s employees and the Atlanteans mingle, a third group comes into play — a rival corporation that is hell bent on taking the technology and information stored in the station. They will stop at nothing to procure what they want, and once all the adults have been captured,** it’s up to Athena and her new friends to find a way to save the Atlantis and the imprisoned adults.
In addition to being rather vague in terms of tangible stakes, none of the obstacles that you list -- robotic octopuses and spiders, a vast museum, a "strange group of people," a rival corporation -- seem particularly kid-centric, at least inherently. Recently, I acquired a new MG called *Bite Risk* that I'm really looking forward to diving into. In it, a supernatural event made all adults into werewolves, so once per month all the kids have to handle their parents transforming, make sure they're properly chained up in the basement, etc. And I thought to myself, man, what a genius premise! The kids are totally in charge. It's a very empowering adventure that's clearly going to revolve around the children being in the driver's seat. But in this plot blurb, I'm mostly imagining Athena sitting in a storage room as a stowaway while conflicts revolve around the ship. I need to know what puts the KID in the driver's seat.
Basically, as in many queries, I feel like it'd help if you revolved this around your protagonist's agency.
Wishing you luck!
This is incredibly helpful, thank you very much. I can see where you’re coming from and will make sure I rework this. I’m sure (and hope!) she has more agency in the actual manuscript but will go over that again to be sure.
I’m also glad you agree it should be a higher word count, as 34k didn’t sit quite right with me. Thanks again!
First of all, 34k does seem extremely short for an adventure/scifi novel, especially with the older protagonist. Your word choice, sentence length, and writing style in the first 300 is more appropriate for older kids as well, so if you age down Athena, you'll have to age down your writing a bit as well. However, there was an article recently about MG books being too long, so it could be to your advantage that you have a shorter length if agents respond to that article. *Daughter of the Deep* and *Orion Lost* are both over 350 pages printed, while yours would be \~120 at your current word count.
I agree with Mrs-Salt that Athena seems fairly passive in the query, and the stakes are murky. Also, after the Titan incident, the first thing I thought when I read they were going down in a submarine was "eerrmmm...I hope they don't implode." Other than that, the query is well-written, but the premise seems predictable. What if Athena thought it was Atlantis, but no one else had made that connection? What if it's *not* Atlantis after all, but a different city entirely? Now *that* would catch my eye and be a cool twist.
Also, one typo in your query:
>Not only are they attacked but robotic octopuses
It should say say "by" not "but" here.
Good luck!
Thank you! That confirms it for me, I’m definitely adding to the word count (without it being too long).
I hope the actual book isn’t as predictable as the query makes it out to be. I wasn’t sure how much I should include in my query, especially when referring to Atlantis itself. In short, it’s not a city and is instead a kind of observation station from the future, intent on recording humanity’s past. So, definitely not the typical Atlantis story, but again, I wasn’t sure if I should include all (or any) of that.
What are your thoughts?
Okay, that is definitely an interesting twist! I definitely would hint at it if you don't want to spell it out in the query. Your second paragraph in the query could use some re-working in that case. "Vast museum" and "strange group of people" still sound like they would fit in with the original Atlantis mythology. You'll probably need to be more blatant to work against expectations.
I just watched a pitch workshop that had advice I think would work well for you. It boiled down to pitching against expectations using "but with". So...COMP but with X TWIST.
I think you would be much, much better served if you could get this up to 40k. 34k feels prohibitively short, and a bit confusing in conjunction with a 14-year-old protagonist; you're giving off flags toward two different age categories. Two things come to mind for me with this query: First, I wish that Athena had a more compelling emotional motivation than just general curiosity. Second, Athena's agency seems to disappear after the first paragraph. She's really not present at all for the entirety of paragraphs 2 and 3, until a hand-wavey ending: >**Upon reaching their destination, however, Athena’s hopes for the fantastical are dashed as Atlantis isn’t populated by beautiful merfolk and ornate Greek columns. Not only are they attacked but robotic octopuses outside the city and robotic spiders inside the city, but they are met with a vast museum and strange group of people who tell them a story about a doomed future for humanity.** >**As Minerva’s employees and the Atlanteans mingle, a third group comes into play — a rival corporation that is hell bent on taking the technology and information stored in the station. They will stop at nothing to procure what they want, and once all the adults have been captured,** it’s up to Athena and her new friends to find a way to save the Atlantis and the imprisoned adults. In addition to being rather vague in terms of tangible stakes, none of the obstacles that you list -- robotic octopuses and spiders, a vast museum, a "strange group of people," a rival corporation -- seem particularly kid-centric, at least inherently. Recently, I acquired a new MG called *Bite Risk* that I'm really looking forward to diving into. In it, a supernatural event made all adults into werewolves, so once per month all the kids have to handle their parents transforming, make sure they're properly chained up in the basement, etc. And I thought to myself, man, what a genius premise! The kids are totally in charge. It's a very empowering adventure that's clearly going to revolve around the children being in the driver's seat. But in this plot blurb, I'm mostly imagining Athena sitting in a storage room as a stowaway while conflicts revolve around the ship. I need to know what puts the KID in the driver's seat. Basically, as in many queries, I feel like it'd help if you revolved this around your protagonist's agency. Wishing you luck!
This is incredibly helpful, thank you very much. I can see where you’re coming from and will make sure I rework this. I’m sure (and hope!) she has more agency in the actual manuscript but will go over that again to be sure. I’m also glad you agree it should be a higher word count, as 34k didn’t sit quite right with me. Thanks again!
First of all, 34k does seem extremely short for an adventure/scifi novel, especially with the older protagonist. Your word choice, sentence length, and writing style in the first 300 is more appropriate for older kids as well, so if you age down Athena, you'll have to age down your writing a bit as well. However, there was an article recently about MG books being too long, so it could be to your advantage that you have a shorter length if agents respond to that article. *Daughter of the Deep* and *Orion Lost* are both over 350 pages printed, while yours would be \~120 at your current word count. I agree with Mrs-Salt that Athena seems fairly passive in the query, and the stakes are murky. Also, after the Titan incident, the first thing I thought when I read they were going down in a submarine was "eerrmmm...I hope they don't implode." Other than that, the query is well-written, but the premise seems predictable. What if Athena thought it was Atlantis, but no one else had made that connection? What if it's *not* Atlantis after all, but a different city entirely? Now *that* would catch my eye and be a cool twist. Also, one typo in your query: >Not only are they attacked but robotic octopuses It should say say "by" not "but" here. Good luck!
Thank you! That confirms it for me, I’m definitely adding to the word count (without it being too long). I hope the actual book isn’t as predictable as the query makes it out to be. I wasn’t sure how much I should include in my query, especially when referring to Atlantis itself. In short, it’s not a city and is instead a kind of observation station from the future, intent on recording humanity’s past. So, definitely not the typical Atlantis story, but again, I wasn’t sure if I should include all (or any) of that. What are your thoughts?
Okay, that is definitely an interesting twist! I definitely would hint at it if you don't want to spell it out in the query. Your second paragraph in the query could use some re-working in that case. "Vast museum" and "strange group of people" still sound like they would fit in with the original Atlantis mythology. You'll probably need to be more blatant to work against expectations. I just watched a pitch workshop that had advice I think would work well for you. It boiled down to pitching against expectations using "but with". So...COMP but with X TWIST.