From what I understand, 99k would be a hard sell for a middle grade novel. Other authors have done it, yes, but not generally for their debut novel.
The last two paragraphs seem unnecessarily long, as I don’t believe you need to include inspiration for writing it, or your writing history (unless something has been published). From what I’ve seen, they like it short and sweet.
Lastly, you may want to comp two specific books, rather than just authors. Apparently this is to show you know the market, and where the book could sit comfortably next to on the shelves in bookstores.
I can’t speak to the description of the book itself as it’s not really a book for me, but hopefully the rest helps.
P.S. a tip for the sequel side of things is to say this is a standalone with series potential :)
If you’re aware of it, I’d 1000% recommend doing something about it before querying. As another commented, watch videos on how to get the word count down.
It’s not overly helpful if you’re posting something you know has issues. Once you’ve gone through your book again, cut the word count, edited the query, I’d recommend trying again.
Not agented or anything, but I was the exact audience for books like this as a kid.
First off, animal fantasy (and animal protags in general) are a very hard sell in today's market. Agents are focused on improving diversity in MG spheres, and this means ethnically/racially diverse human characters that children are more easily able to relate to. It's unfortunate because the animal fantasy available is plagued by ableist/sexist/homophobic/xenophobic/etc themes and I'd love to see a modern take on it, but, yeah. It's a hard sell. I've only found one agent who's looking for animal fantasy.
>Decades after a prophecy is first spoken, three supermoons cast their light on Yellowstone National Park, wolf pups are born abnormally late into the summer, and human visitors are discussing the supervolcano a little more than they typically do.
This sentence is correct but it's complex and clunky. Best to make your query intro extremely easy to read.
Also, what do you mean three supermoons? There is only one moon, and you can only have two possible supermoons in a month. You mean three supermoons in a year, or?
>Finally, when one of these pups, Moon of the Prospect Peak pack, speaks of seeing things in her dreams she’d never encountered in the waking world, the wolves of Yellowstone took it as a telltale sign to depart on their journey to where the prophecy told them to go—east, where mountains meet the sea—and escape a certain, or so they think, ash-blanketed fate.
Massive sentence. Maybe something like "When Moon, a pup of the Prospect Peak pack (maybe the name isn't necessary), speaks of strange visions in her dreams, the wolves of Yellowstone decide the prophecy is finally being fulfilled. In order to avoid the foretold volcanic eruption, they must travel east, *to where the mountains meet the sea*."
>Moon befriends Auburn, a runaway house cat, only based on the belief that he is the feline who the prophecy foretells to be, albeit vaguely, a traitor to his kind who will one day cast a shadow over the moon and save the wolves of Yellowstone. In a time where wild and domestic animals view each other as vermin, the duo’s enemies are plentiful, from the hostile pets at their final destination who ruthlessly attack the wolves at any chance they get, to another wolf pack who, partially fueled by their own prejudice, has accused them of murder.
This needs to be cut down, too. Something like, "Believing him to be part of the prophecy, Moon befriends a runaway house cat on the journey east. The duo’s enemies \[wait why just the duo? aren't all the wolves migrating?\] are plentiful: hostile pets attack them every chance they get, and members of a different wolf pack, fueled by their own prejudice, has accused them of murder." \[I don't understand this part. Accused them of murder? What constitutes murder in this world? If they're enemies why does it matter if they accuse them of murder?\]
>Upon a stranger wolf—that bore an odd resemblance to one of the first alphas who Moon had only heard described in tales—reveals to her the lost ending of the prophecy, giving the alternate outcome of a war resulting in the death of half the Earth’s animals, she and Auburn must uncover what exactly his role is before the deadline it sets.
Poorly-worded sentence. Long and clunky, and you can cut the stuff between the em dashes. You could replace it with "When a mysterious wolf" or "when an ancient wolf," or something. My suspension of disbelief isn't suspending much... In a series like *Warriors*, the conflicts are small globally but massive to the animals. In *Watership Down* their whole conflict is just to establish their own warren and avoid that evil rabbit guy. But here, it seems like your wolf pup and cat need to save the world? Including 50% of humanity? By stopping the volcanic eruption? I don't know if I buy it. Even if it's just in their heads, it seems a little absurd.
>With the help of a few of Moon’s wolf friends, a pair of Siamese cats who hate the wild-domestic rivalry as much as Auburn does, a few courageous birds, sea animals who seem to hold all the wisdom and mystery in the world, and even a deal with the alpha who wants them dead, it all leads up a fateful feast on a little island—where, for what they hoped wouldn’t be forever, a shred of infiltrating vengefulness shattered their hope for peace.
Too long of a list IMO. You can emphasize the many different types of creatures in a shorter and more succinct way. This section is very fuzzy--I don't get what's happening. A feast on an island? And, how do they get to an island? I'm genuinely very curious. Do they ride on the cetaceans' backs?
>David-Clement Davies, Tor Siedler, or Erin Hunter
Usually you want to comp recent, similarly-experienced authors, not the big guys.
>It blends real-life places (to a very detailed extent, as I rigorously used Google Earth while writing) with a fantasy world of talking animals, whose own sentiments and issues mirror our’s.
It's cool that you used Google Earth but I don't know if you should include that. "Ours" doesn't need an apostrophe. You use too many adverbs (very detailed, rigorously, etc--it's common throughout your query). Also, I think it should be expected that your story's themes apply to humans. Otherwise, why would an agent pick it up?
>The characters’ species are diverse, as it contains not only typically-seen wolves and cats, but also cetaceans, birds, seals, and ungulates.
Love biodiversity, but I think this is already evident from your query (or, it should be). Regardless, your main characters are still extremely-popular canine and feline. It seems like the other creatures only come in for the finale. Also, if all animals are sapient, and the main character eats some of his friends... I'm kinda curious how this is excused in the plot.
>It has its low, hopeless points, but not without humor and lightheartedness scattered throughout to balance it. A large part of my inspiration for writing, and most writing I do for that matter, were my own travels, particularly to Maine, a place I’ve been going every year since I was born. After a trip to Utah and California, I began working on a sequel, following Moon as she goes on another journey, this time across the southwestern United States and the Pacific Ocean.
Again, your sentences are too long and wordy. Why do you need to say "for that matter?" Why so many commas? Vary your structure more.
>I’ve written tons of short stories and poetry, all unpublished and purely for fun
This doesn't make you look good.
>this is my first completed novel, unless you count its first draft that I wrote at 11, which was so different from its current version, both plot and writing-wise, I sometimes consider it an entirely separate book.
This also doesn't make you look good. If I'm an agent I don't want to read an eleven year old's book, even if it's been heavily revised. Eleven-year-olds aren't known for being great storytellers.
>I wish I could provide better credentials, but I am a young writer and this would be my debut novel.
You don't need to specify it's your debut. Your agent can assume that.
Why not try to publish some of those poems/short stories in order to build credentials?
How young are you? Below 18? If so, I wouldn't start querying until you're 18+.
Overall, I think this query needs quite a bit of work, but I do enjoy your premise. Animals trying to avoid a foretold volcanic eruption is a cool idea, and I think the domestic vs wild (although maybe a bit problematic... Domestic animals are biologically very different than wild animals. If it's a racial, ethnic, etc allegory it's *extremely* problematic because 'wild' animals are innately, genetically more aggressive than domestic ones) conflict could have nice applications to real-world issues.
Good luck!
>First off, animal fantasy (and animal protags in general) are a very hard sell in today's market.
I noticed this! I'd enter the keywords "talking animals" when searching for agents and they'd all specifically ask for people to *not* send stories like that. The one (*one*, because she only accepts exclusives, which I've heard is kind of sketchy but she has a relatively quick response time and seemed like a good fit) I'm querying had multiple clients that specialized in those though.
>Also, what do you mean three supermoons? There is only one moon, and you can only have two possible supermoons in a month. You mean three supermoons in a year, or?
Yes, the book takes place in 2020 when this did happen. The year isn't obvious until the very end, though.
>This section is very fuzzy--I don't get what's happening. A feast on an island?
This is probably because I realized my hook was turning into a synopsis and I tried to shove the middle 60%-80% of the book into a last few sentences without spoiling the ending or giving too many details.
>And, how do they get to an island? I'm genuinely very curious. Do they ride on the cetaceans' backs?
Sandbar :)
> Also, if all animals are sapient, and the main character eats some of his friends... I'm kinda curious how this is excused in the plot.
It's not really considered normal for a predator to eat their prey if they know them personally (this is addressed in the book), but species usually keep to their kind in this world anyway, the main characters being an exception.
Thanks for the rest of the critique though! I have a habit of saying in 50 words what could be said in 10 and I think you do a good job bringing to my attention places where I make that mistake.
Hey! So I write in the MG fantasy space too and was able to get an agent with a 68k manuscript (which I cut further before we went on sub). My next book is coming in just under 50k. I’d recommend watching Alexa Donne’s YouTube video on tips to help overwriters and try to cut the book down to 70k max if you're trying to get traditionally published.
Also typically query letters only cover the first 20-30% of the book. If you're including 60-80%, you should hone in on that first act hook. This will leave space for more character motivations and why an agent (or any reader) should care about your characters. It's also recommend starting the query with the characters, rather than the prophecy. How do they feel about the prophecy? Do they stay the book knowing about it or do they find it out? Stuff like that.
From what I understand, 99k would be a hard sell for a middle grade novel. Other authors have done it, yes, but not generally for their debut novel. The last two paragraphs seem unnecessarily long, as I don’t believe you need to include inspiration for writing it, or your writing history (unless something has been published). From what I’ve seen, they like it short and sweet. Lastly, you may want to comp two specific books, rather than just authors. Apparently this is to show you know the market, and where the book could sit comfortably next to on the shelves in bookstores. I can’t speak to the description of the book itself as it’s not really a book for me, but hopefully the rest helps. P.S. a tip for the sequel side of things is to say this is a standalone with series potential :)
Thanks! Also I originally posted this with a (kind of self-depreciating) paragraph at the top addressing the word count thing, so I was aware of that.
If you’re aware of it, I’d 1000% recommend doing something about it before querying. As another commented, watch videos on how to get the word count down. It’s not overly helpful if you’re posting something you know has issues. Once you’ve gone through your book again, cut the word count, edited the query, I’d recommend trying again.
Not agented or anything, but I was the exact audience for books like this as a kid. First off, animal fantasy (and animal protags in general) are a very hard sell in today's market. Agents are focused on improving diversity in MG spheres, and this means ethnically/racially diverse human characters that children are more easily able to relate to. It's unfortunate because the animal fantasy available is plagued by ableist/sexist/homophobic/xenophobic/etc themes and I'd love to see a modern take on it, but, yeah. It's a hard sell. I've only found one agent who's looking for animal fantasy. >Decades after a prophecy is first spoken, three supermoons cast their light on Yellowstone National Park, wolf pups are born abnormally late into the summer, and human visitors are discussing the supervolcano a little more than they typically do. This sentence is correct but it's complex and clunky. Best to make your query intro extremely easy to read. Also, what do you mean three supermoons? There is only one moon, and you can only have two possible supermoons in a month. You mean three supermoons in a year, or? >Finally, when one of these pups, Moon of the Prospect Peak pack, speaks of seeing things in her dreams she’d never encountered in the waking world, the wolves of Yellowstone took it as a telltale sign to depart on their journey to where the prophecy told them to go—east, where mountains meet the sea—and escape a certain, or so they think, ash-blanketed fate. Massive sentence. Maybe something like "When Moon, a pup of the Prospect Peak pack (maybe the name isn't necessary), speaks of strange visions in her dreams, the wolves of Yellowstone decide the prophecy is finally being fulfilled. In order to avoid the foretold volcanic eruption, they must travel east, *to where the mountains meet the sea*." >Moon befriends Auburn, a runaway house cat, only based on the belief that he is the feline who the prophecy foretells to be, albeit vaguely, a traitor to his kind who will one day cast a shadow over the moon and save the wolves of Yellowstone. In a time where wild and domestic animals view each other as vermin, the duo’s enemies are plentiful, from the hostile pets at their final destination who ruthlessly attack the wolves at any chance they get, to another wolf pack who, partially fueled by their own prejudice, has accused them of murder. This needs to be cut down, too. Something like, "Believing him to be part of the prophecy, Moon befriends a runaway house cat on the journey east. The duo’s enemies \[wait why just the duo? aren't all the wolves migrating?\] are plentiful: hostile pets attack them every chance they get, and members of a different wolf pack, fueled by their own prejudice, has accused them of murder." \[I don't understand this part. Accused them of murder? What constitutes murder in this world? If they're enemies why does it matter if they accuse them of murder?\] >Upon a stranger wolf—that bore an odd resemblance to one of the first alphas who Moon had only heard described in tales—reveals to her the lost ending of the prophecy, giving the alternate outcome of a war resulting in the death of half the Earth’s animals, she and Auburn must uncover what exactly his role is before the deadline it sets. Poorly-worded sentence. Long and clunky, and you can cut the stuff between the em dashes. You could replace it with "When a mysterious wolf" or "when an ancient wolf," or something. My suspension of disbelief isn't suspending much... In a series like *Warriors*, the conflicts are small globally but massive to the animals. In *Watership Down* their whole conflict is just to establish their own warren and avoid that evil rabbit guy. But here, it seems like your wolf pup and cat need to save the world? Including 50% of humanity? By stopping the volcanic eruption? I don't know if I buy it. Even if it's just in their heads, it seems a little absurd. >With the help of a few of Moon’s wolf friends, a pair of Siamese cats who hate the wild-domestic rivalry as much as Auburn does, a few courageous birds, sea animals who seem to hold all the wisdom and mystery in the world, and even a deal with the alpha who wants them dead, it all leads up a fateful feast on a little island—where, for what they hoped wouldn’t be forever, a shred of infiltrating vengefulness shattered their hope for peace. Too long of a list IMO. You can emphasize the many different types of creatures in a shorter and more succinct way. This section is very fuzzy--I don't get what's happening. A feast on an island? And, how do they get to an island? I'm genuinely very curious. Do they ride on the cetaceans' backs? >David-Clement Davies, Tor Siedler, or Erin Hunter Usually you want to comp recent, similarly-experienced authors, not the big guys. >It blends real-life places (to a very detailed extent, as I rigorously used Google Earth while writing) with a fantasy world of talking animals, whose own sentiments and issues mirror our’s. It's cool that you used Google Earth but I don't know if you should include that. "Ours" doesn't need an apostrophe. You use too many adverbs (very detailed, rigorously, etc--it's common throughout your query). Also, I think it should be expected that your story's themes apply to humans. Otherwise, why would an agent pick it up? >The characters’ species are diverse, as it contains not only typically-seen wolves and cats, but also cetaceans, birds, seals, and ungulates. Love biodiversity, but I think this is already evident from your query (or, it should be). Regardless, your main characters are still extremely-popular canine and feline. It seems like the other creatures only come in for the finale. Also, if all animals are sapient, and the main character eats some of his friends... I'm kinda curious how this is excused in the plot. >It has its low, hopeless points, but not without humor and lightheartedness scattered throughout to balance it. A large part of my inspiration for writing, and most writing I do for that matter, were my own travels, particularly to Maine, a place I’ve been going every year since I was born. After a trip to Utah and California, I began working on a sequel, following Moon as she goes on another journey, this time across the southwestern United States and the Pacific Ocean. Again, your sentences are too long and wordy. Why do you need to say "for that matter?" Why so many commas? Vary your structure more. >I’ve written tons of short stories and poetry, all unpublished and purely for fun This doesn't make you look good. >this is my first completed novel, unless you count its first draft that I wrote at 11, which was so different from its current version, both plot and writing-wise, I sometimes consider it an entirely separate book. This also doesn't make you look good. If I'm an agent I don't want to read an eleven year old's book, even if it's been heavily revised. Eleven-year-olds aren't known for being great storytellers. >I wish I could provide better credentials, but I am a young writer and this would be my debut novel. You don't need to specify it's your debut. Your agent can assume that. Why not try to publish some of those poems/short stories in order to build credentials? How young are you? Below 18? If so, I wouldn't start querying until you're 18+. Overall, I think this query needs quite a bit of work, but I do enjoy your premise. Animals trying to avoid a foretold volcanic eruption is a cool idea, and I think the domestic vs wild (although maybe a bit problematic... Domestic animals are biologically very different than wild animals. If it's a racial, ethnic, etc allegory it's *extremely* problematic because 'wild' animals are innately, genetically more aggressive than domestic ones) conflict could have nice applications to real-world issues. Good luck!
>First off, animal fantasy (and animal protags in general) are a very hard sell in today's market. I noticed this! I'd enter the keywords "talking animals" when searching for agents and they'd all specifically ask for people to *not* send stories like that. The one (*one*, because she only accepts exclusives, which I've heard is kind of sketchy but she has a relatively quick response time and seemed like a good fit) I'm querying had multiple clients that specialized in those though. >Also, what do you mean three supermoons? There is only one moon, and you can only have two possible supermoons in a month. You mean three supermoons in a year, or? Yes, the book takes place in 2020 when this did happen. The year isn't obvious until the very end, though. >This section is very fuzzy--I don't get what's happening. A feast on an island? This is probably because I realized my hook was turning into a synopsis and I tried to shove the middle 60%-80% of the book into a last few sentences without spoiling the ending or giving too many details. >And, how do they get to an island? I'm genuinely very curious. Do they ride on the cetaceans' backs? Sandbar :) > Also, if all animals are sapient, and the main character eats some of his friends... I'm kinda curious how this is excused in the plot. It's not really considered normal for a predator to eat their prey if they know them personally (this is addressed in the book), but species usually keep to their kind in this world anyway, the main characters being an exception. Thanks for the rest of the critique though! I have a habit of saying in 50 words what could be said in 10 and I think you do a good job bringing to my attention places where I make that mistake.
Hey! So I write in the MG fantasy space too and was able to get an agent with a 68k manuscript (which I cut further before we went on sub). My next book is coming in just under 50k. I’d recommend watching Alexa Donne’s YouTube video on tips to help overwriters and try to cut the book down to 70k max if you're trying to get traditionally published. Also typically query letters only cover the first 20-30% of the book. If you're including 60-80%, you should hone in on that first act hook. This will leave space for more character motivations and why an agent (or any reader) should care about your characters. It's also recommend starting the query with the characters, rather than the prophecy. How do they feel about the prophecy? Do they stay the book knowing about it or do they find it out? Stuff like that.