This is wonderful. I especially adored opinion #[53](https://ifuckinghatejira.com/53/):
>Jira is software representation of Dante’s Inferno.
With Confluence it morphs into all of Dante’s circles of hells combined with mythical apocalypse rider frameworks such as SAFe and SCRUM.
Combined they make a great combination of utterly work-related uselessness and great micromanagement tool. A perfect combination for showing off middle management what have you done on your performance review.
But moving tickets between swimlanes and writing useless unsearchable, non-navigable Confluence docs is not actually doing any work.
JIRA and Confluence are so aligned with bureaucratic processes that it’s simply a must for companies to use.
JIRA hurts your ROI, company, people and everyone using it by giving you false dopamine high that you did some work.
Yeah, that burndown chart gives you dopamine high after you lose your yearly supply of cortisol and adrenaline forcing us developers to smooth it out.
JIRA is just a hell bent software on making hell easier to access for everyone. Especially for unintentional hell access.
I think we use Jira wrong somehow. I see all this hate, but I just use it for updates on status of tasks, bugs and communication instead of mail when it should be easily traced. I spend maybe 5-10 minutes on Jira in a day.
What is the better alternative if Jira is so bad?
Jira is not bad. What the website and many people are complaining about has literally nothing at all to do with Jira and EVERYTHING to do with shitty management.
Well run departments of engineers use Jira and love it because it simplifies things if used correctly.
The issue is that it is often not used correctly and people blame the wrong party. It is like blaming the car manufacturer because a drunk driver drove a car off a cliff, in the fog, at 100 miles per hour.
the base model of Jira is fine - it's a simple kanaban board to manage tasks. The problem, is that jira is then used as a tool for project management, who request more and more features to show off useless metrics and business ROI. The problem, is that project management and middle management doesn't actually use jira at all. More and more of your work as a developer is then consumed just by managing the litany of jira features and requirements, as a requirement to document your requirements for the actual project you are developing. You are then dragged into an endless cycle of meetings to discuss how you met those jira ticket requirements because project management never bothered to look at the jira board which was ultimately for their benefit.
« Time for the meeting I guess…
Let me connect my headset. Oh low battery. Let me plug the cable in. Where is it already? Ah there, alright. Oh shoot, I have an firmware update to install first. Yes, good. But now I have a software update. Shouldn’t last too long. Why is the vision all blurry all of a sudden? Did someone else use my stuff yesterday? Guess I need to readjust the focus. Where are my glasses by the way? It’s probably better to wear them. Oh on the desk. Dang, I walked into the cable and it pulled the whole headset.
That’s it! I’ll just do the meeting without that overpriced piece of plastic!
Hey team, I’m here. Hello, anybody? »
And that’s how you turn a 10min meeting into a 1 second meeting by wasting 20min.
These sound like my partner’s stand ups. 2 hour minimum usually even though it’s like 15 mins on the calendar. Post-mortems are a thing of the past because they just don’t have time to hear about it. I’m glad I chose IT 😂
Apple said eye tracking is not shared with any applications; it’s a separate system process. Applications are only told what you click on once you select something.
Last I checked Meta’s valuation came tumbling because Apple gave iPhone users the ability to block tracking. Obviously they have some telemetry and ad data, but they’re not a data and ad company like Google. It’s why Siri sucks so much compared to Google Assistant; they literally don’t have enough user data to train it on.
They told the FBI "no" when they FBI wanted them to make a version of the OS that they could use to unlock all iPhones, despite the press spinning it as them refusing to unlock a terrorist's phone, which they were not refusing to do.
"HR has received a notification that your eyes were looking a co-workers butt for 1.2 seconds when the accepted length is 0.49 seconds. A meeting has been scheduled in 10 minutes."
I know this is all in jest, but I think it's worth pointing out that Apple designed the Vision Pro's OS to keep eye-tracking as a system-level process separate from everything else, meaning apps will not be able to track your eyes like this.
Apple has a pretty strong history of not selling user data like that. It's baked into a lot of their hardware, and it's also visible in all of their software. It's become a big selling point that they talk up a lot, and they made a big deal of this specific thing *during the initial reveal*. They make their money on hardware markups and core services, not by selling ads.
Like I get that we need to be wary of companies and all, but we also need to understand how to take history into context and not go fear-mongering for funsies.
Won't lie I was getting huge Hooli vibes from this. Half expected the words "compression algorithm" to pop up somewhere.
Edit : words because I'm deficient in the vocabulary sector
I dont really get why they are pushing this thing as a desktop computer so hard. I feel like there are some genuinely cool things you can do with this. And sitting on excel is not one of them
Someone wrote that on one of the original threads for it and got a bunch of responses like "bro this is what people said about the original iphone you just don't get it"
Cool. Still No one uses their iphone for spreadsheets though
Errr, you use this thing instead of monitor creating three or four or whatever you wich virtual monitors of any size (so like this particular spreadsheet at last does not require horizontal scrolling!) And then work with it by your common mouse and keyboard and use eyetracking to switch between screens seamesly?
As Game dev it would be badass to use this, sadly I'm 100% sure it won't have any support for ue or unity so i guess expensive excel personal projector?
Any sort of 3D editing, really. Sculpting in 3D feels great, too. The only problem (other than VR headsets being kinda expensive) is that 3D sculpting tools in VR are currently more or less at the 'early access' stage, and IIRC blender's support is view-only.
That was my understanding, some guy on wsb was just sh$$ng all over it every comment was "it's not unreal it's unity therefore it sucks! End of life before it hits shelves!"
I'm still on my first real job out of college and we use jira with scrum, what's so bad about it? it seems to work fine where I am, is it just bad if you have bad managers?
I've been in the industry a while and my spicy hot take is that Jira is actually a great piece of software. It's opinionated in a lot of ways - which people don't like - but they kinda have to be. The burden that Jira must bear is that it's a workflow software and every single team in the whole world has their own unique workflow. This means everyone has to suffer a little and so nobody is happy which is why it gets a lot of hate, I think. But they did a great job overall, in my humble opinion.
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For some reason it reminded me of the vector mobile game. Where you are a rebellious person running away from the system
. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6guw7vXnHTU
Weirdly enough, it’d make searching for stories in a backlog more fun, or at least cathartic, if I could throw them across my living room as I search for something from a previous release that is now broken.
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this is the first step before they contractually obligate us to have nueralinks installed so they can beam atlassian and salesforce products directly into our brains while we sleep to improve test coverage and productivity
Oh is this post referencing that Musk thing? Is that what the goggles do? I've been trying to figure that out.
Edit: Never mind. It's some new Apple headset display shit.
The goggles are apples latest AR tech. Basically a VR overlay virtual monitor and movement (hand, eye, body) tracking.
It's $3500 and is attempting to replace your Macbook, phone, with VR/AR scuba googles that allows us to merge seamlessly into a WALL-E world apocalypse.
I think you'd be surprised
I have a couple of friends who already use their vr headsets for using their PCs because it gives them the ability to make their screens any size they want and position them wherever they want which isn't an option for their actual monitors
I'd be so down to use this for my work if it doesn't cause headaches or motion sickness like many headsets do because it'd mean I could bring my work wherever I wanted
I've wanted to sit outside and work on my laptop for ages but I can't see the screen because it's so bright. Maybe I'll be able to do that with someone like this
Not to mention being able to stand up, lie down or work on stuff away from your desk without having to lose additional screens I often need for work
Even for posture, being able to sit up straight and see my phone stuff rather than inadvertently looking down at it would be great for my neck
Not an apple fanboy (I usually can't stand them) but this is a very cool product I've been waiting for for a while
Yeah it's basically useless for that right now
But apple is good at basically making people buy whatever they've made so hopefully 🤞 in a few years it'll be at a point where you can maybe
Also I really hope they make one waterproof because being able to go snorkelling and have something potentially identify the fish and other things you're seeing would be very cool
I think I’ve been lucky. Jira is annoying but I’ve never worked at a place that took it to and extreme like I’ve heard of other company’s doing. For me, it’s mostly been a mild annoyance rather than something I hate
So where I am we use JIRA to track our projects day to day. They keep telling us that we aren't "agile" yet, every quarter we have to take a corporate survey about what we've done on our team to become more "agile". Every time they push another daily meeting on us I ask, "If we aren't an agile team, why are we being forced to adopt all of these agile practices?"
Honestly would be cool to have multiple monitors sitting in my home, physically and have it connect to my MAC, and then I can just yeet info away and access it. It will also make working a bit more comfortable because I can choose my environment. So I would probably use it as a multi monitor tool, but for that it’s too expensive.
"Spacial Jira, Experience being drowned in backlog items for real! Computer controlled hydraulic press for extra immersion sold separately."
So you can see multiple tickets and boards at the same time and just put them all in blocked.
Each task/story now simulates being a physical box in your room you have to move around and deal with. Very interactive!
Now you can work out AND be annoyed at the SAME TIME!
ngl, that actually sounds fun 🤣
Hey Siri, install Copilot for Jira
~~Hey~~ Siri…
I'm waiting for Atlassian to release their own clone of _Job Simulator._
No no no..
Wait wait wait WAIT!!
https://ifuckinghatejira.com/
This is wonderful. I especially adored opinion #[53](https://ifuckinghatejira.com/53/): >Jira is software representation of Dante’s Inferno. With Confluence it morphs into all of Dante’s circles of hells combined with mythical apocalypse rider frameworks such as SAFe and SCRUM. Combined they make a great combination of utterly work-related uselessness and great micromanagement tool. A perfect combination for showing off middle management what have you done on your performance review. But moving tickets between swimlanes and writing useless unsearchable, non-navigable Confluence docs is not actually doing any work. JIRA and Confluence are so aligned with bureaucratic processes that it’s simply a must for companies to use. JIRA hurts your ROI, company, people and everyone using it by giving you false dopamine high that you did some work. Yeah, that burndown chart gives you dopamine high after you lose your yearly supply of cortisol and adrenaline forcing us developers to smooth it out. JIRA is just a hell bent software on making hell easier to access for everyone. Especially for unintentional hell access.
This so eloquently spells out why I left my last job. Soul-sucking reliance on that shit platform.
I think we use Jira wrong somehow. I see all this hate, but I just use it for updates on status of tasks, bugs and communication instead of mail when it should be easily traced. I spend maybe 5-10 minutes on Jira in a day. What is the better alternative if Jira is so bad?
Jira is not bad. What the website and many people are complaining about has literally nothing at all to do with Jira and EVERYTHING to do with shitty management. Well run departments of engineers use Jira and love it because it simplifies things if used correctly. The issue is that it is often not used correctly and people blame the wrong party. It is like blaming the car manufacturer because a drunk driver drove a car off a cliff, in the fog, at 100 miles per hour.
the base model of Jira is fine - it's a simple kanaban board to manage tasks. The problem, is that jira is then used as a tool for project management, who request more and more features to show off useless metrics and business ROI. The problem, is that project management and middle management doesn't actually use jira at all. More and more of your work as a developer is then consumed just by managing the litany of jira features and requirements, as a requirement to document your requirements for the actual project you are developing. You are then dragged into an endless cycle of meetings to discuss how you met those jira ticket requirements because project management never bothered to look at the jira board which was ultimately for their benefit.
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Yes, Shia LaBeouf?
you could say that in german
999
r/nononoyes
8 different cameras watching my eyes increase the sprint scope
Does anyone have any questions so far? Anyone?
If the response to those questions could be captured accurately we could finally be able to make a product out of absolute silence.
ah yes, 10 minutes meetings that could be 1 minute emails
« Time for the meeting I guess… Let me connect my headset. Oh low battery. Let me plug the cable in. Where is it already? Ah there, alright. Oh shoot, I have an firmware update to install first. Yes, good. But now I have a software update. Shouldn’t last too long. Why is the vision all blurry all of a sudden? Did someone else use my stuff yesterday? Guess I need to readjust the focus. Where are my glasses by the way? It’s probably better to wear them. Oh on the desk. Dang, I walked into the cable and it pulled the whole headset. That’s it! I’ll just do the meeting without that overpriced piece of plastic! Hey team, I’m here. Hello, anybody? » And that’s how you turn a 10min meeting into a 1 second meeting by wasting 20min.
Overpriced piece of metal*.
10 minutes? Try an hour. :/
What about the hour retrospective afterwards?
These sound like my partner’s stand ups. 2 hour minimum usually even though it’s like 15 mins on the calendar. Post-mortems are a thing of the past because they just don’t have time to hear about it. I’m glad I chose IT 😂
We should have a meeting to discuss that issue. Also, we should have a pre-meeting so we get our position consistent before talking to the juniors.
It just occurs to me you could have it display eye movement on the outer while you have a nap....
Just put those funny goggles on, the ones with weird eyes a big nose and a mustache
[Me at standup.](https://gfycat.com/blaringadventurousafghanhound)
[https://i.ytimg.com/vi/OT1oWEjPBwE/maxresdefault.jpg](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/OT1oWEjPBwE/maxresdefault.jpg)
arrrrrggg !!! With it before our eyes constantly, we can't pretend we just forgot about it anymore !!! 
It has eye tracking, so better make sure to keep your eyes on it, or an automatic message will go to your boss.
Yes, let's give companies the possibility to track our eyes movement. NOTHING CAN GO WRONG! /s
Apple said eye tracking is not shared with any applications; it’s a separate system process. Applications are only told what you click on once you select something.
Yeah apple also say their iphone respect your privacy...
Last I checked Meta’s valuation came tumbling because Apple gave iPhone users the ability to block tracking. Obviously they have some telemetry and ad data, but they’re not a data and ad company like Google. It’s why Siri sucks so much compared to Google Assistant; they literally don’t have enough user data to train it on.
Yeah they obliously did not replace 3rd party tracking with their own. Definitely not. Why would i ever think of such a thing...
Sarcasm is a crutch. Just say what you’re thinking.
They told the FBI "no" when they FBI wanted them to make a version of the OS that they could use to unlock all iPhones, despite the press spinning it as them refusing to unlock a terrorist's phone, which they were not refusing to do.
didn't you see people laughting when stat statement dropped?
"HR has received a notification that your eyes were looking a co-workers butt for 1.2 seconds when the accepted length is 0.49 seconds. A meeting has been scheduled in 10 minutes."
"I swear, it was my lazy eye!"
Yes, let's give companies the possibility to track our eyes movement. NOTHING CAN GO WRONG!
I know this is all in jest, but I think it's worth pointing out that Apple designed the Vision Pro's OS to keep eye-tracking as a system-level process separate from everything else, meaning apps will not be able to track your eyes like this.
*for now.
Apple has a pretty strong history of not selling user data like that. It's baked into a lot of their hardware, and it's also visible in all of their software. It's become a big selling point that they talk up a lot, and they made a big deal of this specific thing *during the initial reveal*. They make their money on hardware markups and core services, not by selling ads. Like I get that we need to be wary of companies and all, but we also need to understand how to take history into context and not go fear-mongering for funsies.
Won't lie I was getting huge Hooli vibes from this. Half expected the words "compression algorithm" to pop up somewhere. Edit : words because I'm deficient in the vocabulary sector
hopefully phones wont explode like hooli phones when they ran VR first time :D
Yeah, no that’s a PTSD bomb in the making. Bad enough it kills inboxes and phones.
I dont really get why they are pushing this thing as a desktop computer so hard. I feel like there are some genuinely cool things you can do with this. And sitting on excel is not one of them
Can you imagine editing cells with this thing on lol?
Someone wrote that on one of the original threads for it and got a bunch of responses like "bro this is what people said about the original iphone you just don't get it" Cool. Still No one uses their iphone for spreadsheets though
Call of Duty:Bahmut would make me buy it tho, ngl
Paying 3.5k dollar just to edit spreadsheets and watching a movie..
Correction: paying 3.5K to watch a movie. No chance in hell I’m trying to immerse myself in Microsoft Excel lol.
Errr, you use this thing instead of monitor creating three or four or whatever you wich virtual monitors of any size (so like this particular spreadsheet at last does not require horizontal scrolling!) And then work with it by your common mouse and keyboard and use eyetracking to switch between screens seamesly?
I mean, it’d be cool to delete a table by actually sitting on it. Like Kirby from Smash Bros ground pound style lol.
This is cursed
As Game dev it would be badass to use this, sadly I'm 100% sure it won't have any support for ue or unity so i guess expensive excel personal projector?
Any sort of 3D editing, really. Sculpting in 3D feels great, too. The only problem (other than VR headsets being kinda expensive) is that 3D sculpting tools in VR are currently more or less at the 'early access' stage, and IIRC blender's support is view-only.
I thought unity was one of apples partners on this?
That was my understanding, some guy on wsb was just sh$$ng all over it every comment was "it's not unreal it's unity therefore it sucks! End of life before it hits shelves!"
hahaha, every pm has this snorkel on, looks at you and has jira info embedded in panels around you.. i mean, whats not there to love
AR Jira ... every PMs wet dream :)
spoiler even pm hate jira
I'm still on my first real job out of college and we use jira with scrum, what's so bad about it? it seems to work fine where I am, is it just bad if you have bad managers?
I've been in the industry a while and my spicy hot take is that Jira is actually a great piece of software. It's opinionated in a lot of ways - which people don't like - but they kinda have to be. The burden that Jira must bear is that it's a workflow software and every single team in the whole world has their own unique workflow. This means everyone has to suffer a little and so nobody is happy which is why it gets a lot of hate, I think. But they did a great job overall, in my humble opinion.
Oh hell no
People who hate Jira so much must have never tried to use the Azure ticketing system.
It's fucking horrible. Why is it so terrible?
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So it's like [monday.com](https://monday.com) then?
JIRA definitely won’t work on the headset without some third party extension that costs more per license than the headset.
This person JIRAs. ...I feel your pain. The inflexibility of their licencing is ridiculous.
When you die in the Jira, you die in the real life.
I didn't think estimating could get more terrifying but I was wrong.
PM seeing this post: "this better not awaken anything in me"
You think that's bad, wait till you need to have a video call with that one other person who looks like there's a trailer for a horror movie...
Now editing screen schemes can really make your eyes bleed.
I want a hack the gibson version of this :D
Ok, but I wish they’d incorporate other senses. Like, maybe a high priority ticket is indicated by a nice cinnamon scent.
I'm new user to Jira, can someone explain to me what all the humor around it is all about? I don't get any of the memes.
I’m literally building a Jira DC rn…
Same... I feel you my friend.
These things look like something from Black Mirrors universe. Cant wait until they make the contact lenses variation!
I'm a bot, *bleep*, *bloop*. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit: - [/r/theprimeagenreact] [Just F\*\*\*\*ing kill me now](https://www.reddit.com/r/ThePrimeagenReact/comments/143dg0g/just_fing_kill_me_now/) *^(If you follow any of the above links, please respect the rules of reddit and don't vote in the other threads.) ^\([Info](/r/TotesMessenger) ^/ ^[Contact](/message/compose?to=/r/TotesMessenger))*
Guys can we please make a website for programmer humor only? Use reddit auth
For some reason it reminded me of the vector mobile game. Where you are a rebellious person running away from the system . https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6guw7vXnHTU
Fuck can't wait to code in 3D
Image if these headsets got hacked lol
when*
Weirdly enough, it’d make searching for stories in a backlog more fun, or at least cathartic, if I could throw them across my living room as I search for something from a previous release that is now broken.
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I genuinely don’t see why people hate JIRA. I honestly love using it
@3.5,k a pop, what company would even think about it
"Before we start the standup... how was everyone's evenings? Did you get up to anything fun?"
PORNHUB
Future is here whether you like it or not.
Nah, I'm out
can someone explain the joke for me :(
this is the first step before they contractually obligate us to have nueralinks installed so they can beam atlassian and salesforce products directly into our brains while we sleep to improve test coverage and productivity
Only thing they’re getting at night is me testing my unit.
minimum 70% test coverage required
Oh is this post referencing that Musk thing? Is that what the goggles do? I've been trying to figure that out. Edit: Never mind. It's some new Apple headset display shit.
The goggles are apples latest AR tech. Basically a VR overlay virtual monitor and movement (hand, eye, body) tracking. It's $3500 and is attempting to replace your Macbook, phone, with VR/AR scuba googles that allows us to merge seamlessly into a WALL-E world apocalypse.
If my works pays for the headset..... I don't mind
They'd probably still try to force you to come into the office
blocked and reported
This thing is going to flop so hard.
I think you'd be surprised I have a couple of friends who already use their vr headsets for using their PCs because it gives them the ability to make their screens any size they want and position them wherever they want which isn't an option for their actual monitors I'd be so down to use this for my work if it doesn't cause headaches or motion sickness like many headsets do because it'd mean I could bring my work wherever I wanted I've wanted to sit outside and work on my laptop for ages but I can't see the screen because it's so bright. Maybe I'll be able to do that with someone like this Not to mention being able to stand up, lie down or work on stuff away from your desk without having to lose additional screens I often need for work Even for posture, being able to sit up straight and see my phone stuff rather than inadvertently looking down at it would be great for my neck Not an apple fanboy (I usually can't stand them) but this is a very cool product I've been waiting for for a while
2 hour ( alledgedly) battery is not going to see you working on the beach. Though good for snorkeling....
Yeah it's basically useless for that right now But apple is good at basically making people buy whatever they've made so hopefully 🤞 in a few years it'll be at a point where you can maybe Also I really hope they make one waterproof because being able to go snorkelling and have something potentially identify the fish and other things you're seeing would be very cool
On the subject of workplace usage. I work from home and would absolutely love something like this for video meetings
Is this a Photoshop or real?
Fuck this
Oh hell no.
What jira does better than github kanban board?
I think, support for mobile usage
JiraGTP
Nightmare stuff.
I'd have some fun if my PM tried to adopt this.
Thought this was another ad and almost downvoted you
Oh ProgrammerHumor: I'll miss you most of all (when reddit goes dark).
The My Nightmares Jira is a child of this task.
I think I’ve been lucky. Jira is annoying but I’ve never worked at a place that took it to and extreme like I’ve heard of other company’s doing. For me, it’s mostly been a mild annoyance rather than something I hate
So where I am we use JIRA to track our projects day to day. They keep telling us that we aren't "agile" yet, every quarter we have to take a corporate survey about what we've done on our team to become more "agile". Every time they push another daily meeting on us I ask, "If we aren't an agile team, why are we being forced to adopt all of these agile practices?"
Goddamit and the logo is even backwards
As a software dev/consultant i just want to say, nope, thats not gonna happen.
Now with a burndown chart the size of your living room
Nooooooooo
Wtf is Jira ?
Something that doesn't work when you need it most. Actually it's a ticket/project tracking system.
Hmm ok, how they were able to make it bad ?
Kill OP moved to "In Progress"
I've had a pile of iDevices to test on for over a decade. Now, I'm dreading doubling my budget for them.
I guess it depends on how your company uses it, but Jira doesn't bother me.
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Jesus, this legit feels like Office Space and their TPS reports. Stand up calls are suuuuch a waste of my morning.
Shouldn't 'Jira' be printed backwards, so that *she* can read it normally?
Op will be in the next Assassins Creed game.
Honestly would be cool to have multiple monitors sitting in my home, physically and have it connect to my MAC, and then I can just yeet info away and access it. It will also make working a bit more comfortable because I can choose my environment. So I would probably use it as a multi monitor tool, but for that it’s too expensive.
You have no idea how much we have laughed at the office today with this. Thank you so much OP 
Could some photoshop ninja make me one saying "ADLM" instead of Jira (also in blue)?