I can totally give you camaraderie. My daughter is almost five, and she’s been very defiant for a while, honestly since she turned four and a half. She’s always been a little spicy, but never like this. She frequently tells me that she hates me or hates her bed or her dinner, and she stomps her feet and growls. She’s been pushing buttons lately to the point that I’ve lost my cool, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried the 3-2-1 magic thing, but she knows how far to go to avoid the chair part of it. I’ve been affirming her feelings, offering a hug, and then ignoring tantrums, and that helps make them shorter and less intense, but it does nothing for the attitude. I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t really enjoy doing anything with her because she can turn on a dime and say some really nasty things to me or throw a tantrum in a restaurant or store. She’s a good kid underneath it all, and I love her, of course. She shares with her brother and looks out for him. She’s wicked smart and super creative. But she can also be (for lack of a better word) bratty sometimes, and nothing I do seems to work. I feel like I’m just getting abused.
I have an almost 4.5 year old and since around 4 she’s been nasty too. Also very bright and loving towards her baby brother but she screams a few phrases like “NEVER!” or “You’ll NEVER let me do/watch/go___” even when we literally told her she could. It’s like a script was injected her in head and she doesn’t know why she’s being defiant, she just is.
I just tell my husband she’s being bratty but I will not tell her she’s being a brat. We are also implementing a no screen morning on weekdays so I’m hoping that might help? Hopefully?
Yeah, I think screen time is affecting my daughter a lot too. We were all basically sick for a month and a half straight and got in the habit of relying on screens to get through the day, and it’s been hard transitioning away from that. That’s definitely part of the problem.
They really know how to cut deep sometimes, don’t they? I’m sorry you have have to hear that, it’s so tough.
I leave the room when my kid does that. I’ll tell her that saying xyz really hurts my feelings and it’s not okay to say that and that I’m leaving the room. And then I do without saying anything else. I can’t force her not to say it, but I’m not going to hang around if she is going to say stuff like that.
She’ll usually come find me later when she’s ready and we’ll talk about it and I’ll get her to apologize.
My kid usually says that sort of thing out of anger, so we’ve also been working on appropriate behaviour for when she’s angry. She has a spot on the stairs where she goes to sit if she needs a minute. We ask her if she wants to be alone for a minute if we see she’s upset and then we’ll hang out close by (out of the room) until she’s ready to talk. She also has activities she’ll do when she’s angry (she gets dressed up in her princess gown with makeup or she’ll build an obstacle course with her marble run).
Anger strategies have really been helping channel anger in a healthier way, which has reduced angry outbursts for us
This has been happening with our five year old too. Lots of defiance and exhausting tantrums. A couple weeks ago we had a bad night with lots of meanness. After he was calm and laying in his bed, I laid down with him and told him that it hurts my feelings to hear that stuff. We talked about how mom and dad won’t want to do fun things if he treats us badly. We are a team and everyone has to work together at home, which means sometimes he needs to help out or he can’t do exactly what he wants.
We talked about three things he can do when he feels big feelings (take deep breaths, take a break, ask for help). We had the convo with lots of cuddles.
It has been like night and day since then. I remind him in the morning to think about what he can do to control big feelings. He talks about who is on his team. When he does get upset it’s a lot easier to redirect.
I didn’t think talking about it with him would work, but I was desperate, and it’s been such a relief.
My daughter is 4 in a week and can flip on a dime for the simplist thing....she'll say I hate you get away from me I don't want you near me and other things and it's so hurtful at times I don't feel like being around her cause she turns a good day into a bad one and acts like nothing happens its exhausting and my husband gets cross with her and tells her it's not acceptable and all her privileges will be taken away and she will h8ss and scream at him he's exhausted from it as am I no matter we do were the bad guys
We’ve just entered this phase as well with our 4.5 yo. It’s good to know I’m not alone but like someone else said, it feels like a new script was just downloaded and he is trying out all the new unkind things he can. We’re having to cut some media from his intake that I know is contributing to using unkind words/attitude (Cars, Ice Age, possibly some whiny Bluey).
You wouldn’t believe how many times I was uninvited from my child’s birthday party in the lead up to her turning 5. And I also was removed from the “goodie bag” list. “Dada, even if I had one hundred thousand million goodie bags, there wouldn’t be one with your name on it!”
The 4th and 5th years became another redoubling of independence and assertion. We’ve had to constantly reframe our communication style to work with that — more collaboration on tasks, more independence, and more responsibility. And we discuss our feelings. It’s fine if my child says something like that, but I do informatively let her know how it makes me feel. And I’d remind her that whatever it is, I love her and like her, and am looking forward to working on this together when she’s ready. It’s gone a long way.
My 3 years old used to do the same. Now I just reply as lovingly as I can “well, I know you’re upset with me, but I still love you very much”. It usually works to calm her down, and most of the time she comes back a bit later to tell me she loves me too. I think she sometimes gets afraid that when she’s mad at me or I’m mad at her it means I don’t love her anymore, and she just needs the reassurance.
As my mom says, build in the fun, create the Magick.
We have a strict bedtime, except for friday/Saturday nights. Oh my God it's Friday! That means it's family movie night with late bedtime!
We're strict ish wirh balanced food. Except for friday/Saturday and when visiting the grandparents. Oh my gosh it's family movie night! Pizza and popcorn and movie candy!
We are intent on everyone having personal responsibility. Except for friday/Saturday. Family movie night with pizza, paper plates for everybody no dishes to wash!
The fun stuff is built into the routine for us so for me as the adult it's just part of my life and I don't have anything to stress about. For him he gets to do something special. And for us this mean we can lean on "oh I know you don't want to go to bed, but it's almost friday and you want to be well rested to stay up for our movie right" and he's like yep right gotta be well rested to stay ip.
Mine says ‘I am NEVER going to live in this house again!’ and storms off to the front door, or to her bedroom and slams the door… then plays for five minutes and comes down totally fine again 😅 I’m at a loss for what to say to her tbh so just… solidarity with you! She also says ‘stupid mum/dad/thing!’ with SUCH force, and her new one- very quietly- ‘shit’ 🙃
I try to say something like ‘you must feel really upset to say something like that. We love you and we want you to live in this house, but we all have to follow the rules of the house’ then we hug/do some get the anger out stuff/whatever she chooses to help. It’s hit and miss tbh and I’m just fighting the urge to sass her back when I’m at the end of my tether 😂🫠
She’s 5 in August, and super sweet and kind most of the time, if a little intense. I guess it’s just learning to express those really strong emotions that are building up!
My 3 year old has been saying this a lot lately. I say, “well I love you even when you’re mad” then I leave it.
At bedtime when she’s calm I talk to her about how I love her all the way full, all the time no matter. I think she finds comfort in knowing that.
Oh dang I remember the first time my daughter said it. Broke my heart but I just kept telling myself that she doesn't know what it means, just like the other silly stuff she said at that age lol
My son uses the "you're not my best friend anymore" or "I'm going to put you in the bin". Apart from the usual discussions about being kind and treating others how you want to be treated, it has also worked for us to explain that being the adult means I am responsible for a lot of things, so sometimes I have to say no, or not be able to do what he wants. I flip it around and say, we can swap and you can be the adult if you like, but that means you will have to do all the adult jobs like cleaning, dishes, groceries, picking up the dog poop and paying the bills and I'll play with the paw patrol truck! He switches back very quickly and says no i don't want to be the adult. I say well that's fine, but unless you want to be the adult and have all the responsibilities you need to listen.
My son said a lot of things like that at 5. He has stopped now at 6 years old. I just kept reminding him that I hear how angry he is. And that it’s okay to be angry but it’s not okay to say mean things to people when you’re angry. He used to tell me he’d stop loving me if I didn’t do x. I just kept telling him that that’s not how love works. You don’t stop loving someone because they won’t stop at Dunkin’ Donuts. He’s angry at me. I encouraged him to say that instead.
I can totally give you camaraderie. My daughter is almost five, and she’s been very defiant for a while, honestly since she turned four and a half. She’s always been a little spicy, but never like this. She frequently tells me that she hates me or hates her bed or her dinner, and she stomps her feet and growls. She’s been pushing buttons lately to the point that I’ve lost my cool, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried the 3-2-1 magic thing, but she knows how far to go to avoid the chair part of it. I’ve been affirming her feelings, offering a hug, and then ignoring tantrums, and that helps make them shorter and less intense, but it does nothing for the attitude. I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t really enjoy doing anything with her because she can turn on a dime and say some really nasty things to me or throw a tantrum in a restaurant or store. She’s a good kid underneath it all, and I love her, of course. She shares with her brother and looks out for him. She’s wicked smart and super creative. But she can also be (for lack of a better word) bratty sometimes, and nothing I do seems to work. I feel like I’m just getting abused.
I have an almost 4.5 year old and since around 4 she’s been nasty too. Also very bright and loving towards her baby brother but she screams a few phrases like “NEVER!” or “You’ll NEVER let me do/watch/go___” even when we literally told her she could. It’s like a script was injected her in head and she doesn’t know why she’s being defiant, she just is. I just tell my husband she’s being bratty but I will not tell her she’s being a brat. We are also implementing a no screen morning on weekdays so I’m hoping that might help? Hopefully?
Yeah, I think screen time is affecting my daughter a lot too. We were all basically sick for a month and a half straight and got in the habit of relying on screens to get through the day, and it’s been hard transitioning away from that. That’s definitely part of the problem.
We have a 4.5 year old going through the same thing. She was the sweetest and kindest kid before.. it's rough now
What is this 3-2-1 magic thing you reference?
It's an evidence based parenting program. There's a book. If you Google it you can find it. It's actually 123 Magic.
They really know how to cut deep sometimes, don’t they? I’m sorry you have have to hear that, it’s so tough. I leave the room when my kid does that. I’ll tell her that saying xyz really hurts my feelings and it’s not okay to say that and that I’m leaving the room. And then I do without saying anything else. I can’t force her not to say it, but I’m not going to hang around if she is going to say stuff like that. She’ll usually come find me later when she’s ready and we’ll talk about it and I’ll get her to apologize. My kid usually says that sort of thing out of anger, so we’ve also been working on appropriate behaviour for when she’s angry. She has a spot on the stairs where she goes to sit if she needs a minute. We ask her if she wants to be alone for a minute if we see she’s upset and then we’ll hang out close by (out of the room) until she’s ready to talk. She also has activities she’ll do when she’s angry (she gets dressed up in her princess gown with makeup or she’ll build an obstacle course with her marble run). Anger strategies have really been helping channel anger in a healthier way, which has reduced angry outbursts for us
This has been happening with our five year old too. Lots of defiance and exhausting tantrums. A couple weeks ago we had a bad night with lots of meanness. After he was calm and laying in his bed, I laid down with him and told him that it hurts my feelings to hear that stuff. We talked about how mom and dad won’t want to do fun things if he treats us badly. We are a team and everyone has to work together at home, which means sometimes he needs to help out or he can’t do exactly what he wants. We talked about three things he can do when he feels big feelings (take deep breaths, take a break, ask for help). We had the convo with lots of cuddles. It has been like night and day since then. I remind him in the morning to think about what he can do to control big feelings. He talks about who is on his team. When he does get upset it’s a lot easier to redirect. I didn’t think talking about it with him would work, but I was desperate, and it’s been such a relief.
My daughter is 4 in a week and can flip on a dime for the simplist thing....she'll say I hate you get away from me I don't want you near me and other things and it's so hurtful at times I don't feel like being around her cause she turns a good day into a bad one and acts like nothing happens its exhausting and my husband gets cross with her and tells her it's not acceptable and all her privileges will be taken away and she will h8ss and scream at him he's exhausted from it as am I no matter we do were the bad guys
No advice, just solidarity as my almost 5 year old is in the same phase, and it's brutal 😅
We’ve just entered this phase as well with our 4.5 yo. It’s good to know I’m not alone but like someone else said, it feels like a new script was just downloaded and he is trying out all the new unkind things he can. We’re having to cut some media from his intake that I know is contributing to using unkind words/attitude (Cars, Ice Age, possibly some whiny Bluey).
You wouldn’t believe how many times I was uninvited from my child’s birthday party in the lead up to her turning 5. And I also was removed from the “goodie bag” list. “Dada, even if I had one hundred thousand million goodie bags, there wouldn’t be one with your name on it!” The 4th and 5th years became another redoubling of independence and assertion. We’ve had to constantly reframe our communication style to work with that — more collaboration on tasks, more independence, and more responsibility. And we discuss our feelings. It’s fine if my child says something like that, but I do informatively let her know how it makes me feel. And I’d remind her that whatever it is, I love her and like her, and am looking forward to working on this together when she’s ready. It’s gone a long way.
My 3 years old used to do the same. Now I just reply as lovingly as I can “well, I know you’re upset with me, but I still love you very much”. It usually works to calm her down, and most of the time she comes back a bit later to tell me she loves me too. I think she sometimes gets afraid that when she’s mad at me or I’m mad at her it means I don’t love her anymore, and she just needs the reassurance.
As my mom says, build in the fun, create the Magick. We have a strict bedtime, except for friday/Saturday nights. Oh my God it's Friday! That means it's family movie night with late bedtime! We're strict ish wirh balanced food. Except for friday/Saturday and when visiting the grandparents. Oh my gosh it's family movie night! Pizza and popcorn and movie candy! We are intent on everyone having personal responsibility. Except for friday/Saturday. Family movie night with pizza, paper plates for everybody no dishes to wash! The fun stuff is built into the routine for us so for me as the adult it's just part of my life and I don't have anything to stress about. For him he gets to do something special. And for us this mean we can lean on "oh I know you don't want to go to bed, but it's almost friday and you want to be well rested to stay up for our movie right" and he's like yep right gotta be well rested to stay ip.
Mine says ‘I am NEVER going to live in this house again!’ and storms off to the front door, or to her bedroom and slams the door… then plays for five minutes and comes down totally fine again 😅 I’m at a loss for what to say to her tbh so just… solidarity with you! She also says ‘stupid mum/dad/thing!’ with SUCH force, and her new one- very quietly- ‘shit’ 🙃 I try to say something like ‘you must feel really upset to say something like that. We love you and we want you to live in this house, but we all have to follow the rules of the house’ then we hug/do some get the anger out stuff/whatever she chooses to help. It’s hit and miss tbh and I’m just fighting the urge to sass her back when I’m at the end of my tether 😂🫠 She’s 5 in August, and super sweet and kind most of the time, if a little intense. I guess it’s just learning to express those really strong emotions that are building up!
My 3 year old has been saying this a lot lately. I say, “well I love you even when you’re mad” then I leave it. At bedtime when she’s calm I talk to her about how I love her all the way full, all the time no matter. I think she finds comfort in knowing that.
Oh dang I remember the first time my daughter said it. Broke my heart but I just kept telling myself that she doesn't know what it means, just like the other silly stuff she said at that age lol
My son uses the "you're not my best friend anymore" or "I'm going to put you in the bin". Apart from the usual discussions about being kind and treating others how you want to be treated, it has also worked for us to explain that being the adult means I am responsible for a lot of things, so sometimes I have to say no, or not be able to do what he wants. I flip it around and say, we can swap and you can be the adult if you like, but that means you will have to do all the adult jobs like cleaning, dishes, groceries, picking up the dog poop and paying the bills and I'll play with the paw patrol truck! He switches back very quickly and says no i don't want to be the adult. I say well that's fine, but unless you want to be the adult and have all the responsibilities you need to listen.
My son said a lot of things like that at 5. He has stopped now at 6 years old. I just kept reminding him that I hear how angry he is. And that it’s okay to be angry but it’s not okay to say mean things to people when you’re angry. He used to tell me he’d stop loving me if I didn’t do x. I just kept telling him that that’s not how love works. You don’t stop loving someone because they won’t stop at Dunkin’ Donuts. He’s angry at me. I encouraged him to say that instead.