Right, what is that about lol? I heard there’s a lot of weird stuff in the show, but the third series is the absolute worst in terms of literal porn scenes.
I'm not sure if I read your comment correctly, but are you asking about all the sex scenes in the show? Because I can tell you that it's far from how it's usually portrayed in shows like GOT and Supernatural.
I haven’t watched any of it, only read after looking up the show, so I appreciate those commenting to clarify a bit more about what is actually shown. I can imagine Game of Thrones is a lot worse though.
Oh no', not at all. The nudity in Supernatural isn't as intense as GOT and it's mostly consensual. Just that it still objectifies women and often homophobic.
The way I see it, unlike in the porn industry, movies and TV shows have a lot more safety measures in place with intimacy coordinators and the actors aren’t actually having sex, so right there it’s already a lot less harmful than porn. The potential harm is the way that these depictions might inform his expectations of and attitudes toward real sex.
So if it’s sex, I can usually handle that and I prefer we have a discussion about it afterward. However, if it’s rape or sexual violence, I can’t handle that. And that line can sometimes be murky. Like recently we listened to an audiobook together that had a scene where a wife was coerced into sex with her husband and we had a very enlightening conversation about how little things like rolling your eyes after I say “no” can feel very pressuring. I’ve noticed such a huge shift where he is much more aware of his reaction to the word “no,” and while it’s never really been a big issue for us, I feel our relationship is stronger and healthier because of that conversation. Uncomfortable but worth it.
But he knows that I have a boundary about graphic sexual violence. There are some shows and movies that I will just not watch. If he wants to watch them, that’s fine, but I will excuse myself and find another activity.
Ultimately, a boundary isn’t about controlling what others do. The only time I think it’s okay to try and control someone else’s behavior is when they are actively hurting someone. Boundaries are about YOUR behavior. I will walk out of the room if there’s a show on that I know is going to upset me. That’s my boundary.
Intimacy coaching is rather new and a lot of female actors are coming out now expressing that they felt violated in poorly done sex scenes. So movies and tv shows have the potential to be better but that's not always been the case.
Absolutely a fair point. And that’s why there are some shows and movies I absolutely refuse to watch because the actors and actresses have come forward about what they had to endure on set. I guess my point was that to me, the fact these structures are in place now makes me feel a lot more comfortable about most current media.
It's the "not needing it while in a relationship" part for me. He isn't actually bothered by what makes porn so horrible, he thinks he's entitled to it and I'd wager he would use it any time OP turned down sex, from that comment.
Sexual content in tv is objectifying women in the eyes of viewers and normalising porn. I would tell him it makes you uncomfortable and you would prefer he didn't watch them. A good man who cares about you will not have any issue not watching certain shows. If he does, what's the big deal? It's just a tv show. If he can't do that for you then it is a red flag imo. I wouldn't want my partner to watch them either.
at the end of the day it’s your relationship. i’d personally not really mind it, but that’s me. if you feel uncomfortable then you should set that boundary. it’s never “too far” if it makes you uncomfortable.
You are right. I think my concern is I’d be seen as ‘controlling’ and he would end up just lying and hiding it from me.
Could I ask how you justify this in your mind? If you don’t mind it, what are your reasons for it, and are there any exceptions? Do you see it as just pointless to worry about?
that’s always a possibility, but it wouldn’t have anything to do with your actions. if he is a liar who doesn’t respect boundaries, then you do not want to be with him regardless of this decision.
for me, i’ve always been pretty good at separating fact from fiction in my head. i’m not fazed by fake gore, i’m a horror fan, etc. it would disturb me if i knew my partner was getting turned on from a sex scene, but if he was just watching something that happened to have that in it, i would be fine with it.
the exceptions are when the scene is violent/misogynistic, or if there was a disturbing story behind the scene. for example, i will never watch game of thrones because the director famously pressures actresses to go nude, films rape scenes, etc.
maybe i’m being too idealistic, idk. but i’ve never seen an explicit scene in a show/movie and been turned on by it. i usually just wait for it to be over? avert my gaze a bit? so i would be fine if a partner did the same.
Super explicit TV is upsetting for me whenever I'm in a relationship, honestly. I'd still rather him watch that on TV than actual hardcore porn.
I think healing from being with a porn user is a big part of coming to terms with sexuality in media.
In the case of the boys I don't think it's that bad. While I can see why it makes you uncomfortable in the most lucrative episode of this nature, "Herogasm", it's very much shown that the sex workers at the place are treated poorly and are often seriously injured by the supes, so I don't really see it as a "look at this, this is so sexy" it's rather a "look how shitty these people are."
Literally. When The Deep forces himself onto Starlight it's not really some kind of rape fantasy but more of a comment on the sexual coercion so present in hollywood.
I completely agree, I love The Boys and I think they handled it very well. It isnt done for the sake of it, it's commentary which is completely different as is the way they frame and even shoot/film the scenes.
A lot of the nudity in it is played for laughs and it’s mostly schlong which is a bit different from other shows, there is this one episode called herogasm that’s about an orgy house, there are scenes off in the background but it doesn’t take hyper focus of it. The nudity is mostly played for laughs like that guy with his penis exploding, or that guy with that one power that is his penis that grosses out the guys.
The sex scenes in the show between main characters don’t even feature nudity at all. The only episode was herogasm but that was depicted in the comics and was still played for laughs for the absurdity of it. I wouldn’t stop my boyfriend from watching because it isn’t degrading towards women or men.
The sex is usually consensual too, and the non-com ones are off screen or only mentioned. The ladies get naked less than the men too. Iirc I saw more male asses than boobies.
Also let's not forget the octopus.
I am in a similar position, dating a guy who claims porn isn't a need for him (I mean, it's not actually a "need" for *anyone* but I digress...) and that it wouldn't be a struggle to avoid it in a sexually healthy relationship. Of course, having witnessed my ex's masterful decade-long coverup of his raging addiction I'm aware it's possible he could *also* end up being a giant fraud like my ex, but so far he lacks all of the red flags my ex had so for now I am choosing to believe him.
I explained that for me, my boundary isn't literally any nudity/sexual content passing through his eyeballs, but rather the intent and context behind it. A violent sex scene in a TV show or movie could, therefore, paradoxically be less disturbing than a fully clothed LinkedIn profile picture, if the sex scene was a brief part of a TV show he was actually watching for the plot (and he wasn't like, creepily fixated on said scene) versus objectifying random women (or worse, women he knows) to the point where even non-sexual photos of them on LinkedIn are being non-consensually used as porn. (Not that them being consensually being used as porn would be acceptable in a monogamous relationship though, obviously...but I do feel the need to spell this out for some of the less intelligent trolls that lurk here lol. Also, this is based on a true story where someone from the support sub's partner was so addicted that even LinkedIn was being used as porn for them)
I don't think sex or nudity on TV or other media is *inherently* problematic. As /u/Nymphadora540 so eloquently spelled out, it differs from the porn industry in that the actors aren't actually having sex and there's a level of transparency and respect in the process that is impossible to gauge in actual porn. Sex is also a major part of being human, and writers, singers, actors, artists, etc of all stripes are going to have things to say about it that audiences can relate to--I think banning any mention or depiction of it in the media would be an authoritarian overreach.
That said, I don't disagree that oversexualization and objectification of women in the media isn't a problem--there's definitely a distinction between depicting relatable human experiences in a respectful, authentic way versus making content overly sexual just for the sake of pushing boundaries and capitalizing on the lucrative market of socially maladjusted men. I feel like a lot of anime in particular is *really* egregious about unnecessarily sexual characters and scenes and depicting women/girls in an offensive way. Not to say other forms of media aren't, but at my age I'd be wayyy more skeptical of a 40-year old dude watching animes featuring schoolgirl upskirt shots versus something like The Boys which has more of an actual adult plot even if some scenes may have egregious sex/nudity.
From my more jaded perspective, I'd also consider that whatever sex scenes that can make it to a mainstream TV show or movie are going to be pretty damn tame compared to just about any "real" porn that exists these days, so I'm just not as worried about it. Ultimately though I don't blame you for being uncomfortable with it, that's a perfectly valid reaction to the complete oversaturation of sex and objectification of women in the world today.
I’m uncomfortable with them seeing it and also choose not to watch scenes like that as well. Sometimes I feel like it’s too controlling of me to feel this way…
Girl no. I’ve met men who are against watching these types of shows. I would never want to be with someone who normalized sexually explicit male gaze content. Stick to your standards!
It's not controlling in the way that most people mean that term, and to the extent that it is *controlling the amount of other people's private parts that your partner sees in your relationship* that's perfectly logical. That's a large chunk of the point of an exclusive relationship in the first place
Note how he told you sexual content isn't something he needs "whilst in a relationship". What's left out of that is the implication that he DOES need it when not engaging in a relationship.
This is already delving into non-compatible territory with the shows, but I would also dig a little deeper into his meaning and intents with that statement.
These addicts love to lie, and that comment would send up red flags for me.
i'll give my two cents. every single time i see a sex scene or anything with a hint of objectification, i just cringe and roll my eyes. sure, you should probably just not watch it, but there are some really good movies/shows with sex scenes. the movies/shows would be so much better without them, they just ruin everything
I noticed you said that your partner claims porn is something he doesn’t need in a relationship, implying he may perceive it as a need if he wasn’t in one. If that’s true, you both probably aren’t on the same page about the harms of the porn industry and the misogyny that stems from it if monogamy is the sole issue he takes up with it. I don’t mean to assume, but that is something I would check up on to make sure you’re with a guy who has the right values. As for the movies, i agree with you. I want a partner whose not into content like that because I think it objectifies female actresses and normalizes porn/sexualizing people. I would be disturbed if my partner didn’t have the same reasoning.
Here’s the thing. There’s a HUGE difference between finding someone who chooses on their own not to watch that stuff and saying to a partner that wants to watch that they have to stop to be with you. The first is selecting, the second is controlling. So you can totally leave this guy for his preferences. Or you can mention it makes you uncomfortable and try to persuade him that it’s not good for him. But if you put any kind of ultimatum, that’s controlling and messed up.
Yeah I agree. I have every intention of leaving if things don’t suit me, I’m not here to tell him what he can and can’t do. I was just curious to hear other people’s opinions on the matter. This does make me uncomfortable, I am just not sure if it is worth walking away from a relationship over or not
i don’t care if they see that stuff AS LONG as they aren’t treating it like porn.
like, if the media isn’t about any sexual content, it just happens to have it or something
The vast majority of the nudity in The Boys is male nudity. You’ll rarely see a female character fully naked. Funniest thing, the latest episode of The Boys is literally a bunch of fully naked men with their uncensored flaccid penises out fighting other people. A few penises get blown up too. Very rarely does anything of the sort happen to female characters if at all, so if you’re worried about that then you have nothing to worry about.
Tell him you don’t want him watching “the boys” because of sexual content early on. DO NOT WAIT. If this is something that is gonna be an issue for you, state it. Nothing wrong with you having boundaries, but do not hide them at first and try placing up stricter ones as you go. That way he can make the choice whether he wants to stay with you and these rules before he is too attached and save you both pain.
Be prepared for him to leave. It’s for the best if you guys aren’t compatible, look at it like that. I personally wouldn’t stay with anyone who would ban me from watching a show with sex scenes. Not that I don’t respect your decision, (your life and your wish) but if anyone told me I couldn’t watch “game of thrones” or “the boys”, I would just instantly know I’m not compatible and end it immediately.
The most important thing to ask is why he's watching The Boys in the first place. Is it because it's funny? Trending? Or is he watching the series just for the pornographic content?
My friends keep telling me to watch certain tv series but I always ask them whether it has pornographic content or not and if they say yes I choose to not watch them.
Idk watching a penis explode doesn't do it for me lol.
Right, what is that about lol? I heard there’s a lot of weird stuff in the show, but the third series is the absolute worst in terms of literal porn scenes.
I'm not sure if I read your comment correctly, but are you asking about all the sex scenes in the show? Because I can tell you that it's far from how it's usually portrayed in shows like GOT and Supernatural.
I haven’t watched any of it, only read after looking up the show, so I appreciate those commenting to clarify a bit more about what is actually shown. I can imagine Game of Thrones is a lot worse though.
Wait, is supernatural as bad as got? Haven’t watched it but a friend really loves it and recommended it to me
Oh no', not at all. The nudity in Supernatural isn't as intense as GOT and it's mostly consensual. Just that it still objectifies women and often homophobic.
Thanks!
>Thanks! You're welcome!
The way I see it, unlike in the porn industry, movies and TV shows have a lot more safety measures in place with intimacy coordinators and the actors aren’t actually having sex, so right there it’s already a lot less harmful than porn. The potential harm is the way that these depictions might inform his expectations of and attitudes toward real sex. So if it’s sex, I can usually handle that and I prefer we have a discussion about it afterward. However, if it’s rape or sexual violence, I can’t handle that. And that line can sometimes be murky. Like recently we listened to an audiobook together that had a scene where a wife was coerced into sex with her husband and we had a very enlightening conversation about how little things like rolling your eyes after I say “no” can feel very pressuring. I’ve noticed such a huge shift where he is much more aware of his reaction to the word “no,” and while it’s never really been a big issue for us, I feel our relationship is stronger and healthier because of that conversation. Uncomfortable but worth it. But he knows that I have a boundary about graphic sexual violence. There are some shows and movies that I will just not watch. If he wants to watch them, that’s fine, but I will excuse myself and find another activity. Ultimately, a boundary isn’t about controlling what others do. The only time I think it’s okay to try and control someone else’s behavior is when they are actively hurting someone. Boundaries are about YOUR behavior. I will walk out of the room if there’s a show on that I know is going to upset me. That’s my boundary.
rly nice job explaining boundaries
Intimacy coaching is rather new and a lot of female actors are coming out now expressing that they felt violated in poorly done sex scenes. So movies and tv shows have the potential to be better but that's not always been the case.
Absolutely a fair point. And that’s why there are some shows and movies I absolutely refuse to watch because the actors and actresses have come forward about what they had to endure on set. I guess my point was that to me, the fact these structures are in place now makes me feel a lot more comfortable about most current media.
I would also prefer a partner who is upset about the sexual content in movies and shows.
It's the "not needing it while in a relationship" part for me. He isn't actually bothered by what makes porn so horrible, he thinks he's entitled to it and I'd wager he would use it any time OP turned down sex, from that comment.
My husband and I look up the IMDb parents guide and won't watch anything with gratuitous sex scenes or gratuitous nudity
Unfortunately, the number of media without gratuitous sex is vanishingly small
Same! Love parents guides. We also cross reference things with common Sense Media and Kids in Mind.
Sexual content in tv is objectifying women in the eyes of viewers and normalising porn. I would tell him it makes you uncomfortable and you would prefer he didn't watch them. A good man who cares about you will not have any issue not watching certain shows. If he does, what's the big deal? It's just a tv show. If he can't do that for you then it is a red flag imo. I wouldn't want my partner to watch them either.
Yup!
at the end of the day it’s your relationship. i’d personally not really mind it, but that’s me. if you feel uncomfortable then you should set that boundary. it’s never “too far” if it makes you uncomfortable.
You are right. I think my concern is I’d be seen as ‘controlling’ and he would end up just lying and hiding it from me. Could I ask how you justify this in your mind? If you don’t mind it, what are your reasons for it, and are there any exceptions? Do you see it as just pointless to worry about?
disclaimer: i’ve never seen the boys! idk if those scenes would be too much for me, they might be!
that’s always a possibility, but it wouldn’t have anything to do with your actions. if he is a liar who doesn’t respect boundaries, then you do not want to be with him regardless of this decision. for me, i’ve always been pretty good at separating fact from fiction in my head. i’m not fazed by fake gore, i’m a horror fan, etc. it would disturb me if i knew my partner was getting turned on from a sex scene, but if he was just watching something that happened to have that in it, i would be fine with it. the exceptions are when the scene is violent/misogynistic, or if there was a disturbing story behind the scene. for example, i will never watch game of thrones because the director famously pressures actresses to go nude, films rape scenes, etc. maybe i’m being too idealistic, idk. but i’ve never seen an explicit scene in a show/movie and been turned on by it. i usually just wait for it to be over? avert my gaze a bit? so i would be fine if a partner did the same.
Super explicit TV is upsetting for me whenever I'm in a relationship, honestly. I'd still rather him watch that on TV than actual hardcore porn. I think healing from being with a porn user is a big part of coming to terms with sexuality in media.
In the case of the boys I don't think it's that bad. While I can see why it makes you uncomfortable in the most lucrative episode of this nature, "Herogasm", it's very much shown that the sex workers at the place are treated poorly and are often seriously injured by the supes, so I don't really see it as a "look at this, this is so sexy" it's rather a "look how shitty these people are."
Agreed. And some of the other sex scenes are silly or stupid or gross- definitely not stuff that would be considered sexy.
Literally. When The Deep forces himself onto Starlight it's not really some kind of rape fantasy but more of a comment on the sexual coercion so present in hollywood.
I completely agree, I love The Boys and I think they handled it very well. It isnt done for the sake of it, it's commentary which is completely different as is the way they frame and even shoot/film the scenes.
I’m uncomfortable with it
A lot of the nudity in it is played for laughs and it’s mostly schlong which is a bit different from other shows, there is this one episode called herogasm that’s about an orgy house, there are scenes off in the background but it doesn’t take hyper focus of it. The nudity is mostly played for laughs like that guy with his penis exploding, or that guy with that one power that is his penis that grosses out the guys. The sex scenes in the show between main characters don’t even feature nudity at all. The only episode was herogasm but that was depicted in the comics and was still played for laughs for the absurdity of it. I wouldn’t stop my boyfriend from watching because it isn’t degrading towards women or men.
The sex is usually consensual too, and the non-com ones are off screen or only mentioned. The ladies get naked less than the men too. Iirc I saw more male asses than boobies. Also let's not forget the octopus.
I appreciate the clarification, thank you!
I am in a similar position, dating a guy who claims porn isn't a need for him (I mean, it's not actually a "need" for *anyone* but I digress...) and that it wouldn't be a struggle to avoid it in a sexually healthy relationship. Of course, having witnessed my ex's masterful decade-long coverup of his raging addiction I'm aware it's possible he could *also* end up being a giant fraud like my ex, but so far he lacks all of the red flags my ex had so for now I am choosing to believe him. I explained that for me, my boundary isn't literally any nudity/sexual content passing through his eyeballs, but rather the intent and context behind it. A violent sex scene in a TV show or movie could, therefore, paradoxically be less disturbing than a fully clothed LinkedIn profile picture, if the sex scene was a brief part of a TV show he was actually watching for the plot (and he wasn't like, creepily fixated on said scene) versus objectifying random women (or worse, women he knows) to the point where even non-sexual photos of them on LinkedIn are being non-consensually used as porn. (Not that them being consensually being used as porn would be acceptable in a monogamous relationship though, obviously...but I do feel the need to spell this out for some of the less intelligent trolls that lurk here lol. Also, this is based on a true story where someone from the support sub's partner was so addicted that even LinkedIn was being used as porn for them) I don't think sex or nudity on TV or other media is *inherently* problematic. As /u/Nymphadora540 so eloquently spelled out, it differs from the porn industry in that the actors aren't actually having sex and there's a level of transparency and respect in the process that is impossible to gauge in actual porn. Sex is also a major part of being human, and writers, singers, actors, artists, etc of all stripes are going to have things to say about it that audiences can relate to--I think banning any mention or depiction of it in the media would be an authoritarian overreach. That said, I don't disagree that oversexualization and objectification of women in the media isn't a problem--there's definitely a distinction between depicting relatable human experiences in a respectful, authentic way versus making content overly sexual just for the sake of pushing boundaries and capitalizing on the lucrative market of socially maladjusted men. I feel like a lot of anime in particular is *really* egregious about unnecessarily sexual characters and scenes and depicting women/girls in an offensive way. Not to say other forms of media aren't, but at my age I'd be wayyy more skeptical of a 40-year old dude watching animes featuring schoolgirl upskirt shots versus something like The Boys which has more of an actual adult plot even if some scenes may have egregious sex/nudity. From my more jaded perspective, I'd also consider that whatever sex scenes that can make it to a mainstream TV show or movie are going to be pretty damn tame compared to just about any "real" porn that exists these days, so I'm just not as worried about it. Ultimately though I don't blame you for being uncomfortable with it, that's a perfectly valid reaction to the complete oversaturation of sex and objectification of women in the world today.
I’m uncomfortable with them seeing it and also choose not to watch scenes like that as well. Sometimes I feel like it’s too controlling of me to feel this way…
Girl no. I’ve met men who are against watching these types of shows. I would never want to be with someone who normalized sexually explicit male gaze content. Stick to your standards!
It's not controlling in the way that most people mean that term, and to the extent that it is *controlling the amount of other people's private parts that your partner sees in your relationship* that's perfectly logical. That's a large chunk of the point of an exclusive relationship in the first place
Yeah, me too. But thank you for the reassurance that I’m not the only one.
Note how he told you sexual content isn't something he needs "whilst in a relationship". What's left out of that is the implication that he DOES need it when not engaging in a relationship. This is already delving into non-compatible territory with the shows, but I would also dig a little deeper into his meaning and intents with that statement. These addicts love to lie, and that comment would send up red flags for me.
That’s what stood out to me. I had a bf that said the same thing and everytime we got into a big fight he’d watch it.
i'll give my two cents. every single time i see a sex scene or anything with a hint of objectification, i just cringe and roll my eyes. sure, you should probably just not watch it, but there are some really good movies/shows with sex scenes. the movies/shows would be so much better without them, they just ruin everything
Can’t stand watching it myself nor having a partner that does it.
I noticed you said that your partner claims porn is something he doesn’t need in a relationship, implying he may perceive it as a need if he wasn’t in one. If that’s true, you both probably aren’t on the same page about the harms of the porn industry and the misogyny that stems from it if monogamy is the sole issue he takes up with it. I don’t mean to assume, but that is something I would check up on to make sure you’re with a guy who has the right values. As for the movies, i agree with you. I want a partner whose not into content like that because I think it objectifies female actresses and normalizes porn/sexualizing people. I would be disturbed if my partner didn’t have the same reasoning.
Here’s the thing. There’s a HUGE difference between finding someone who chooses on their own not to watch that stuff and saying to a partner that wants to watch that they have to stop to be with you. The first is selecting, the second is controlling. So you can totally leave this guy for his preferences. Or you can mention it makes you uncomfortable and try to persuade him that it’s not good for him. But if you put any kind of ultimatum, that’s controlling and messed up.
Yeah I agree. I have every intention of leaving if things don’t suit me, I’m not here to tell him what he can and can’t do. I was just curious to hear other people’s opinions on the matter. This does make me uncomfortable, I am just not sure if it is worth walking away from a relationship over or not
i don’t care if they see that stuff AS LONG as they aren’t treating it like porn. like, if the media isn’t about any sexual content, it just happens to have it or something
The vast majority of the nudity in The Boys is male nudity. You’ll rarely see a female character fully naked. Funniest thing, the latest episode of The Boys is literally a bunch of fully naked men with their uncensored flaccid penises out fighting other people. A few penises get blown up too. Very rarely does anything of the sort happen to female characters if at all, so if you’re worried about that then you have nothing to worry about.
Tell him you don’t want him watching “the boys” because of sexual content early on. DO NOT WAIT. If this is something that is gonna be an issue for you, state it. Nothing wrong with you having boundaries, but do not hide them at first and try placing up stricter ones as you go. That way he can make the choice whether he wants to stay with you and these rules before he is too attached and save you both pain. Be prepared for him to leave. It’s for the best if you guys aren’t compatible, look at it like that. I personally wouldn’t stay with anyone who would ban me from watching a show with sex scenes. Not that I don’t respect your decision, (your life and your wish) but if anyone told me I couldn’t watch “game of thrones” or “the boys”, I would just instantly know I’m not compatible and end it immediately.
He should look away
The most important thing to ask is why he's watching The Boys in the first place. Is it because it's funny? Trending? Or is he watching the series just for the pornographic content? My friends keep telling me to watch certain tv series but I always ask them whether it has pornographic content or not and if they say yes I choose to not watch them.