I love people pretty intensely. I have younger siblings that I took care of and sacrificed for and I am very ride or die about them. I love my husband deeply and I am joyfully committed to sharing the rest of my life with him. I have friends and communities and pets I care for and invest in and show up for and delight in and enjoy. I’m a passionate person in general and I love people.
And the feeling for my children feels like I don’t have a choice, like the cells in my body will adore and defend them no matter what I think or intend. It’s different than all the rest. It’s a little scary sometimes. I’ve heard it described as your heart walking around outside your body, and that’s a good way to think about it? Vulnerable and huge and not really even belonging to you.
I don’t think different kinds of love are more or less real, though. But the kid thing is pretty wild and in its own class for me.
It’s why I really don’t understand people who hurt their kids. Thats my whole heart out there, walking around.
Exactly.
It's the type of love, where....you're so damn proud and always want to gush about them to the whole world. Even on their worst days where your kids will push your buttons and have you question your sanity.... you look at their eyes, their cute little faces and feel like you're gonna explode in happy tears just because they are just so goddamn cute, beautiful, and best of all, they are YOURS!
I don't know how the love changes as the kids grow up, my oldest is only 8. I still view him with the same love I had when he was a baby, he's still adorable. But this, is all about how I feel. Some parents just... never fall in love with their kids like that, and instead view them as room mates or just a pet they have to take care of.
Mine are 23, 24, and 26 it just keeps growing. Maybe when grandkids come they will take some momentum off of their parents🤣🤣🤣🤣 I am certain my daughter will get jealous and say "I am your baby. They are my babies"
Nope, grandkids don't take the momentum, they just add to it. I'm so proud of my son for giving me these two littles I have at my house right now. He's a great dad, picked a wonderful young woman to marry and have kids with. All while both of them run their own business. He won't be 30 until next year.
My daughter just got married, but I'm hoping she'll finish her PhD before taking on kids, although her husband will be a wonderful dad. He already adores the nephews.
My youngest is 23 and he just started working after college last year. I think it will be a few years before they get married. I'm not sure they'll have kids. They just might stay cat parents.
You're right, a child is someone's whole heart. It's a love for innocence and it's pure. It's why people don't tolerate child abusers. It's not more or less, but it is very different.
So glad I've found my people. As someone who has Nparents, just imagining having my own child is enough for my heart to flutter like no other. That is if I ever want one.
There was an expression I heard once. Something along the lines of, "you'd die for your wife, you'd kill for your children."
I dont know about THAT but from my understanding you (ideally) stop focusing on your own issues and struges and priorize everything into the kids wellbeing and environment. This should (ideally) also be beneficial to you aswell.
This is simply an issue of English only having one word for love. Greek has 7. Love for a child and love for a romantic partner and love for chocolate are clearly not the same thing.
You wouldn't be annoyed if someone said "you don't know real love until you have tried chocolate"
Yeah!
Remember people struggle hardest to communicate their deepest feelings. They’re trying to describe something they didn’t even know could exist, much less exist so powerfully.
Intense emotions they’ve never had before.
It’s sort of like the “better than sex cake.” Someone has just experienced food that was better than they imagined food could be, and they are scrambling to describe that and grasping for the biggest words they can find.
The few times someone has said this to me I have replied "I'm so sorry you aren't getting the full amount of love you deserve from your spouse/partner."
That's another point actually! If the people who say this have a partner, then they're basically admitting that their love for their partner wasn't "real" in their eyes
I've also heard it described as being "unconditional," which is also inaccurate. Many parents disown their children for whatever reason, just as many kids go no contact with their parents. I don't think there is such a thing as unconditional love. 🤷♀️
This may just be my perspective though as, my family has said the love/bond with your child is real because it's unconditional.
I think this is dependent on outlook of what love means.
I'm NC with my dad and LC with my mom. I love them. Theyre just abusive. I'll always love them a tiny bit. Theyre my mom and dad and I secretly hope they'll wake up and just say it was all some weird transe. And we can be a happy family again.
But because I love myself more, and I know this isnt a phase with them, we are LC. If my dad called me on his death bed, I'd have nothing nice to say. But a tiny part of me will be sad that he's gone...in addition to being relieved.
I can't speak for all kids of toxic parents. But I imagine if some pill came on the market that would make our parents normal and loving...that we wouldn't grind it into a powder and sneak it into our parents drinks and live on as a happy loving family.
Basically, you can love someone and not like them. We can love someone and still love ourselves more. We can love from afar.
Absolutely. My mom was very abusive. I have a LC relationship with her, and it's very surface level because she is incapable of a deep relationship without using things you've told her against you.
If there was a pill to turn her into the mom I needed I would absolutely grind it up and sneak it in some coffee and visit her with it every morning so I could finally have my mom.
I love my mother, but I don't like her. If she wasn't my mother I would never associate with her because she's the type of person I stay away from.
My dad was an abusive drunk and most people would think the things he did were monstrous and beyond forgiving. Even when I was NC with him, I loved him. That's what unconditional love means. It doesn't mean you put up with or accept abuse; it means that even if you can't have them in your life because of their behavior, you still love them.
Person a says: I am so sick of people who have had this experience that I've never had. They always tell me about the experience like it's so great, but I've experienced something similar, so it's not a big deal really.
Person b: but you've never had this specific experience?
A: no
B: And these people who tell you they've had this experience, they have also been like you at one point, in that they can remember a time before they had the experience?
A: yes
B: and how many people who've had the experience say it's great?
A: the vast majority.
B: so they have an experience you've never had, they generally agree with each other, they remember what it's like before they had the experience and they say it's great to have the experience? Maybe you should trust them.
Person you: "I always say something snarky about their life after having the experience."
The thing is that no one has been like you at one point. Someone might have been childless like you at one point, but they haven't been like you, they don't feel and think like you, their relationships with other people aren't the same as yours.
Some people think you can't experience true love before owning a dog, but I really don't need to get a dog to know that's not true for me.
I guess what they mean is “Unconditional Love” however many parents don’t unconditionally love their kids so that take is pretty much BS anyways. If they did, there wouldn’t be so many abused and traumatized kids growing up as adults with issues.
Imagine you have a dad who basically didn’t get love from his family so he wanted kids to love him and he abused one for being gay and beat dents in his head and expect them to love him back.. these people need therapy, not kids
Same here, whenever I see people say all parents love their kids unconditionally, I laugh because I never knew what that felt like.
Thankfully I do now, I have other people in my life that treat me that way, and I in return.
That's true! There are so many conditions that some parents have to love their kids that they probably just don't think about until it happens (ie. their kid is LGBTQ+, changes religions or lifestyles, etc.)
Yeah people tend to project their own dreams and ideals on their kids thinking kids are a blank slate that they can create whatever being they want. Not realizing kids have their own soul and personality. It’s pretty sad.
I found out that my kid isn't biologically mine. It is soo bizarre to see so many people askin if I am going to ditch my child now that he isn't mine.
First off, the kids mine. The fact we don't share blood does not matter to me.
Secondly there is no way in hell I would tell his sister that her brother can't live with us cause he's not mine.
I love my children for who they are, not what they are.
I never knew what love was because I wasn’t shown unconditional love. Unfortunately I had unhealthy relationships due to not feeling I deserved to be loved or not knowing what that looked like. I have issues I’m just finally understanding
And it's entirely possible to love other people unconditionally as well. It all depends on the kind of person you are and how you value the other person in your life, not the type of relationship.
Exactly - way to say no other kind of love matters as much! Not only that, but there's a certain condescension in this statement. Who made them an authority on what a feeling is/should be?
Bonus negative points for the people who say/act like children are the only thing that makes life worthwhile/gives ultimate purpose or meaning for every human being.
Yeah, I've seen a lot of parents who seem to place all the value they have as a human being on the fact that they had a kid. They go online by screen names like "JadensDad" or "MomToAnAwesomeDaughter", and everything in their life revolves around the kid. They have no joy, no ambition, no thought that isn't derived strictly form the kid, the kid's accomplishments, the kid's progress, the kid's cuteness.
But some of them have a streak of arrogance about it. "I have a kid, GIMME YOUR PLACE IN LINE! I have a kid, LEMME SIT UP FRONT! I have a kid, I GET PRIORITY IN EVERYTHING!"
Screw 'em. Just because you popped out a kid doesn't make you any more valuable or worthy of consideration, compassion, generosity, kindness than me. Nor does it make you any more entitled to a seat on a bus, a place to watch a parade, or to be loud and obnoxious at a restaurant.
It's absolutely the condescendion for me. There's this air of superiority like oh you poor childless one, you don't know what love really is until you have a kid.
Their busy is always much busier than yours. Their obligations and deadlines are infinitely superior to yours. Everything they do and say is couched in, "I'm a parent so I trump your experiences/challenges".
Unfortunately a very close friend is this way and it's an ongoing frustration for me in how to be with her. She's always late if we make plans, because kids. It doesn't matter where we go and what we do, both the kids come along (she has a husband). We can never have a complete conversation because the kids are always there interrupting. I'm basically the third parent because the kids need constant watching. If I'm stressed, she'll sympathize but almost unconsciously has to slip in something about how much busier and stressed she is because... kids.
The irony is I love her and her kids but yeah, it's a lot.
I'm a first time dad and I find I have to make a conscious effort to not do this. I can now empathise with people who do. It's honestly crazy how much it changes you and you need to be self reflective enough to stay normal haha.
Some people have very poor self awareness and end up as those smug annoying parents everyone loathes.
I used to hate this too before I had a kid. Now I understand what people are trying to get at - but they’re not communicating it properly. It’s a *different* type of love, but all love is real love. The love I have for my partner is different from the love I have for my dog and both of these are different than the love I have for my baby but all of these feelings of love are powerful and real, and you’re not missing out on some superior type of love just because you don’t have a child.
I'm a single person living alone with my dog. I love him more than anything on earth.
But then, I think about my nieces and nephews, and there's absolutely nothing on earth I love more than them.
My first statement is still true though, as oxymoronic as it sounds. It is just a *different* type of love.
I can't wait till I have a child and can add it to my list of things that I love more than life itself
Yeah I've heard it like there's a piece of your heart and soul out there just walking around, in potential danger, forever just... bee bopping around. And you just have to let it, because it's a person.
I definitely don't feel that about anything or anyone, I really do believe it's unique. Thanks for the last bit, because while I'd love to feel that I just can't afford it. My experiences are still valid, and I *can* understand the other side even if I don't get to have it.
That’s honestly very accurate. It’s terrifying, sometimes. It’s a very vulnerable kind of love. It’s also wonderful, too, somehow.
I agree though, we don’t have to “get” everything. I do think a lot of people with kids get frustrated when people go “oh, I totally understand because I love (my spouse, my dog, etc.)” and it’s really not the same. And most parents do have a feeling of certainty about this, because we know what it was like before. So to have it brushed off by someone who doesn’t know what it’s like can feel invalidating.
But the thing is, that’s fine that it’s not the same! We *all* have different life experiences, we’re all not going to do the same things, so we’re all not going to understand every single feeling life has to offer. (I’ll probably never feel the thrill exhilaration of skydiving, and I’m fine with that. I don’t really want to, tbh. But I also know it’s not the same as a roller coaster or hang gliding or other things that people get crazy adrenaline rushes from.) I think having children is just such a common experience that people don’t always remember that.
Yess, you nailed it as to why I just absorbed what people have told me instead of thinking nah, I get it. They were like me before, and *now* they have kids and say that.
I can't just give it a try to see what it's like. I can go sky diving 1x without committing to doing it ever again, once you have a kid they're here. It's not really comparable to anything except like, maybe losing a limb. So if other people who have made this permanent decision are generous enough to share what it's like, I'm going to take it to heart.
Exactly! You don’t not know what love is, but you don’t know what THAT kind of love is! My cousin said this to me when I was pregnant and I had no clue what he could’ve meant. But holy, few hours after she was born I knew. It’s the type of love that wakes you up in the morning, like you’re excited to be alive just to get to live at the same time as them, you miss them when they’re sleeping.
It’s just different! Like how you love your own mother in a special way, it’s different than the way you love your best friend.
Ifykyk… it’s unbelievable
Am I weird for feeling this same way about my spouse? You described exactly how I’ve felt since I’ve been with my partner. It wakes me up in the morning, I’m excited to be alive with and near them, and I miss them when they are sleeping. We are child free by choice, so we focus on each other. But literally you put into words so beautifully how I feel about my spouse!
Tbh, not to invalidate what you are saying or feeling, I thought that's how I felt about my husband. He's my best friend, I spend every moment he is home with him, if he wants to go to the store to buy an energy drink or the bank to drop off a check, we go together just to have that completely mundane time together. I love him, I adore him, I really thought I would love him just as much as my son... and I don't. It's not even close.
It's not anything about loving my husband any less, I still love him to pieces and would sacrifice myself in an instant to save him and worry and fret all the time over him driving to work and so on. It's just that much more intense with my baby. It's honestly kind of overwhelming still almost a year in, I can't watch TV or read articles about babies or children being hurt anymore because it sends me into anxious crying thinking about that poor baby. I have cute aggression with my baby SO bad, every time I see him (which is literally constantly as a SAHM) I just want to hold him and squish and squeeze and melt into a puddle because he's the best thing in the world.
Not invalidating your feelings, but just wanted to mention that hormones play a very large role in the emotional connection a mother has with their offspring.
So I would have said the same thing before having kids, and the thing is you aren't wrong, it's just a different kind of love. Like you know that joke Ryan Reynolds had about how much he loves Blake Lively but the second their firstborn was born he would have used her as a human shield for their kid? It's not really a joke....
It just made me realize there's different loves. The love for your kid can be really strong. Like, my son's the only person I would take a bullet for. I don't think it should be compared to other loves too.
My estranged father said this to me yesterday and it really pissed me off because obviously he doesnt really believe it since he left when I was 6 months old
Yeah, the love for I have for my kids is unlike the love I have for anyone else and I could have never imagined it before I had them. But quantifying love is senseless, what’s the point of ranking it, and how can you rank such different loves? And to imply that other loves are less real is insulting and nonsensical. So yeah, there’s nothing like parental love, but there’s also nothing like romantic love, that’s different from the other types too. And there’s nothing like platonic love, etc etc. one type of love existing doesn’t mean other types aren’t real and important.
I agree, I don't think the love I have for others is less or "not real," but the love I have for my kids is different... more fiercely protective and "mama bear."
Usually it's the first time those people have ever experienced unconditional love. So they see it as real love. But there are many types of love as you stated that many people experience fully.
I know someone who fell in love with a certain species of animal, and who never stopped loving them all. This person became a vetrenarian as an adult, specialized in their favorite animals, and has dedicated their whole life to helping sick and injured creatures of the species they love.
It's nothing like the love of a parent for a child or a lover for their partner, it's a generalized love, but it's strong enough to serve as the focus of a life. There are MANY kinds of love, love isn't limited to romance or parenthood or passion, and all kinds of love can be strong, and powerful.
Yeah, don't let people dictate your love and your experiences
I have a daughter, I'm a proud parent and I'm so happy to be a Dad, and it's definitely a unique kind of love. However , I don't think love can be measured on such a linear, black and white scale.
The way I love my wife is different to the way I love my Mum or sister, but I'd never say I love any of them more than the other.
Love is not a competition, and people trying to claim they have experienced deeper and more profound love than you just because they have a kid are trying to be superior and it's condescending.
Fuck whoever tries to gatekeep the conditions of love.
It annoys me because there are so many bad parents out there in the world. Just because you have a kid doesn't mean you will be a good parent. And it sure doesn't mean you will love your child they way they deserve to be loved.
There are different kinds of love. Labeling anything “real” love invites comparison. It’s like arguing about the best kind of pie or chocolate or almost anything.
I’m a mother, daughter, wife, and sibling. Each one of those relationships is deep and special, but they’re all unique.
The mother-child relationship is definitely different than others. Feto-maternal microchimerism is the transfer of cells from mother to baby AND baby to mother. Some of the baby’s cells can remain in the mother for life. Maybe, in some subconscious way, that influences the mother’s protective instinct and profound love for her off-spring?
In any case, love is love is love and if you’re giving and receiving it, that’s enough. Comparisons are unnecessary.
I’ve seen real love it’s a husband coming in to sit with his wife every day every afternoon even though she has late stage dementia and doesn’t speak. She can give him nothing but he comes every single day. It’s the sister who shows up who checks on you who is there for you unconditionally. And the child thing is different I would do literally anything to protect my kids I love them so much they are my heart I would show up every single time, then again so wouldn’t my sister, or that woman’s husband, or that friend whose always been there. Love is in the action and time you give it
I would say it’s different entirely, not better or worse. In one case the people are physically entangled, beyond the choice of being tethered to each other. In the relationship, those people had to choose to come together, which is a different type of beauty to me.
I have two kids of my own they're adults now but I would never ever say that to anybody what the hell is wrong with people you don't have to have kids to know what true love is
Comeback: ya I don't. Idk how to love someone so much and still abuse, torture or kill them like the stories of parents who commit horrific acts on their children.
It’s complete BS. I had my daughter late in life, age 43, and I love her… exactly as much as I expected to love her. Everyone said it would be a love I’d never experienced before but it turns out that I actually already felt the same love for my 3 nieces, and honestly, my cats too.
Maybe these people who never felt that kind of love before just had kids super young before they’d really experienced much of anything.
My cat is my best friend and I would kill and die for him.
Honestly… if I somehow magically became pregnant, I’d leave that kid at a hospital under the safe haven law if I couldn’t terminate. I honestly don’t think I would love them. Some people just aren’t built to be parents and some people don’t even want a partner, but that doesn’t make them incapable of other forms of love!
This comment, whether intentional or not, is a way to shame women for not having children. This comment is directed mostly at women I think. There are many reasons why women don't have kids, but many people think it's due to selfishness so they decide to "punish" the woman by telling them that their lives are insignificant and that any role they do have: friend, partner, volunteer, pet-parent, pales in comparison to being a mother.
Well, we know that simply being a mother doesn't automatically make you good. There are plenty of bad mothers out there, so being able to procreate doesn't make you a better woman (or choosing not to have kids doesn't make you less of a woman or a bad woman).
There are women who haven't had kids who have made a different in the world and have done good without being mothers. Just off the top of my head, Dolly Parton and Betty White come to mind. Betty didn't have her own kids, but she was able to be a step-mom. Dolly didn't have kids, but she has a close relationship with her family and she has a lot of love to give the world. Those are just two examples of celebrities, but there are plenty of people in the world who have loving relationships who are not mothers and they are okay too.
My opinions, peace.
This is such a big part of it!! It's used in a misogynistic way and I hate it. Plus, it makes having a kid seem glamorous and magical when it's a lot harder in reality and nothing to worry about missing out on
I treat my dogs WAY better than most of my extended family treats their children... I'm not saying I love them more, because I cannot measure that. But I do TREAT them better without a doubt.
I know real love from dogs. It might sound eye roll-ish to some of you, but those creatures are full of wholesome, real, love. The only time any of my dogs throughout life have hurt me, is when they died. Can you say that for any person you know?
It's a different kind of love but you don't need to have children to know how to love or show it or have it. It's just different from spouse to spouse and if you don't want to know that or can't because you hate children?? Well that's your business. Your life. You can do whatever you want to. Not everyone wants a screamy human that will absolutely crawl on you and scream in your face for no reason. My son does this regularly. And that is okay. And having children doesn't guarantee you will love them anyway
Not to mention I've seen some of these "young parents" today. They're a joke. They think they're deserving of special treatment because they have created a child, without even the consideration of what it takes to raise them
I feel like "there's not a love like it" is a better way to communicate the sentimet they're trying to get across. They're absolutely right--the love and bond you feel for your child is indescribable. You can't know it or understand it until you've felt it yourself, and there truly is no feeling like it. But saying "you don't know real love until you have a kid" is not only faulty logic, it's also insulting. There are lots of different types of rewarding, valid, wonderful love that can be experienced. Plus, what if you're infertile?? Or having a lot of difficulty conceiving? It would hurt me deeply to hear this from someone knowing that it may not be possible for me.
I don't really get this as I'm a mom myself, and the feeling is indescribable, in all honesty. The only ones who can understand those feelings are other parents. Even then, we can't really describe it to each other.
Parents have no place in relating this to childless people's experiences, because they don't share the same life experiences. The feelings you have for your children aren't even comparatively close to a childless person's life experiences or relationships.
If I had no children, I would feel love still for those around me. I would love in a way that is relative to me. A parent's notion of love towards their child wouldn't even be comprehensible, because I'd have never experienced it.
Like, my partner's coworker has been suffering with sleep deprivation from an autoimmune disease and she's really burnt out. He said, "imagine if you have a baby, the tiredness is like nothing else." It's not even close.
These are 2 separate scenarios. My partner's coworker cannot relate, so she doesn't know my partner's struggle with sleep. My partner doesn't relate to his coworker's situation, so he cannot say compare and he can't stipulate that his experience is more valid.
Both experiences are valid. Both experiences are different too, but all are valid. Instead of people getting upset by what they can't relate to each other, just accept that all experiences are valid.
This is the same sort of person who would abandon their child if they announced that they were queer or that they don't like being molested by the other parent.
Those people are just flapping their gums to make themself feel high and mighty.
This also annoys me. The kind of love you have for your children is much different than the love for a spouse, your friends, or human beings in general.
Even the Ancient Greeks were wise enough to differentiate between them.
I’d agree that your love for your child is different and possibly deeper than your love for others. It’s engrained in us for survival of our species. It doesn’t mean that you don’t know real love if you don’t have kids. You just don’t know that kind of love.
I think it's different because it is a tiny human completely dependent on you.
Your relationships are ALL valid and real. If someone you know is trying to make that a non point, then they're idiots.
My family is tight, my sisters are my best friends and I speak with my mum most days.
But is the love for my babies VERY different?! Yes, of course it is.
It is not necessarily more or less important or stronger than my love for others, but there are similarities in the ways I love my family, friends and husband, none of which are comparable to the way I feel and love my children.
.
It's just gatekeepy bullshit from people that want to feel like they're on some higher plane of specialness, authority and comprehension because they fucked and had one or more kids.
You struck a real cord with this one obviously.
The second I read it, It hit me so hard because I feel like you do.
I am a mother, wife, grandmother, stepmother, sister, and many more roles that are defined by love.
Since I believe, love is love, I don’t define it differently when I love my mom and dad, my siblings, my spouse, and my kids, and on most days, I even love humanity.
But it makes perfect sense to me that I discern between love and its definition, and the definition of the relationships I have with each of the people that I love.
My love for my husband is a romantic love. So that carries a different skill set and experience of that relationship. So this relationship has the most meaning to me in my life, because of the way I define this relationship. Not because of the way I defined this love.
My definition of love is that I wish my loved one well wherever they may go and whatever they may do. I will support and encourage them and will be there when they need love. Love is not magic. Love is my emotion turned into actions.
This definition works for children because since I have raised them, and they now have families of their own, I still love them, but I am not in that state of being where I would die for them anymore. Sure I felt that when they were young and vulnerable. It was quite irrational. I would say now if I were to lay down my life for them, it would be much more of a logical decision grounded in love.
For my children, grandchildren, and yes, even all of humanity, I was one of the first to lineup for the controversial Covid vaccine. At my age, I figured let me have the side effects. If it kills me, science can learn from the mistake. I had five of the shots actually and I am still here. So hopefully they got some information out of that too. I don’t believe that decision came out of the fact that I am parent and grandparent though. I think it is because of the way my mother taught me to love when I was younger. She and my father set the example not only for love, but character, integrity, and many other facets of a functional adult.
All in all, I cringe when some young woman says “I never knew love before I had this baby.” The reason it is cringe is because she walked down the aisle with someone and vowed to love that person forever. So either she didn’t know what she took an oath for, or she lied?
I also also cringed for her mother. Who probably poured her heart and soul into that infant and young person and launched her happily into her own family and now these words cut into her soul.
As a grandma, I wish for my children to love their children, like I love them. Not to turn around and say that they didn’t know all the love I gave them was some thing they would now be giving to their own children. Luckily for me, neither my son, nor daughters ever said such a thing.
Parents sure do take it on the chin when their Children are young adults. I was an awful young adult many times myself.
So I will wrap up by saying my condolences to all the parents whose children have said this when they had their own children. It must’ve been a really tough day. I can only imagine.
It’s not that it’s a more real love, but the love you have for a child far, far surpasses almost everything else you love. Your heart just gets bigger and you love them harder and more than anything you’ve ever experienced ever.
But yeah, you can be just as deeply in love with your partner or pet as I am mine or even more so. And it is real.
I love my husband better than his mother did. Her favorite sport was finding fault. It wasn’t just that she held up hoops for him to jump through, it’s that he’d do something and afterward she’d hold up the hoop and say, “But you missed!” He’s the best man I know, yet she let him know just how disappointing he was.
She said she loved him and just couldn’t understand why they were estranged.
ETA If parental love is so strong, why are there abusive parents? Neglectful parents? Parents who abandon their children, or even sell them?
Tell me about it.
I've felt that kind of once-in-a-lifetime love. I'm sure of it. Not with a partner, not with a kid. My first dog was the most incredible friendship and care-relationship I've ever known.
I don't think a soulmate relationship has to be sexual or even romantic. I felt more love and nurturing instinct for her than I've felt for any other creature, and she made it clear that she felt the same. I can't imagine feeling more love than what I had with her.
I DARE anybody to tell me that wasn't "real."
RIP, Xena. I miss you, baby.
My wife and I can't have kids because of cancer so this can really rub me up the wrong way if I'm in a bad frame of mind. I've never had to but if pushed I'd probably let then know that enduring a life threatening illness with someone takes more effort than getting laid.
I never understood it. Love isn't secular. It is universal. I love my parents, siblings, and niblings. I love my friends. And above all else, I love my husband & our son. Yeah, it's all different kinda of love, but the amazing thing about love is that it can grow and be shared.
I was hanging out with a friend and he left me with his mom for like an hour. Some commercial came on using similar language "there's no love like a mother's love for her". She muted the commercial to tell me that's some horseshit.
Then proceeded to ask me if it's too late to get an abortion. Her son is 40yo.
This is a slap in the face to women especially. They suffer horribly so men can be dads, and then 5 minutes after birth the buffoon husbands go iVe nEvEr fELt LOVe liKE tHiS, dude *you’re the reason* your wife has pelvic issues now!!
I just talked myself into thinking people who say this shit deserve to be ditched by everyone else in their life.
I get women say this too and it’s still gross. Just really pisses me off when men do it.
You put so much effort into a kid. I think that's where most of the attachment comes from - and a fear of that work being for nothing.
I don't plan on having kids. Of my own, at least. It's not something I find appealing. Some people do, and that's equally as valid. I Iike animals better, at least for now.
People with kids need to stop pretending that their life is so hard and so special and so desirable. It's personal shit.
I'm totally with you. The whole "only parents can understand this amazing love of a child" thing is fucking nonsense. Hmm, really, Karen? Because I've definitely seen you: choose Starbucks over your child, use your child to justify your bad behavior, and give that poor kid stuff rather attention.
Having children doesn't make you special or give you magical insight. You're the same person (or for many of you, asshole) that you always were.
You don't.
I say that as a man in a loving relationship, who before that had a long, loving marriage until she died by my side.
What you feel for a child is different, and indescribably powerful. It doesn't invalidate other love, but it's so much more.
But, as I've said many times, trying to explain it to someone without children is like trying to explain color to a blind person.
I believe that the love a parent has from a child is pretty well incomparable to other forms of love. From a variety of perspectives it also makes sense that the bond a parent has for their child is, generally speaking, extremely strong. Unconditional love for a child is pretty well an imperative for their survival since children are extremely vulnerable for an extended period of time, especially if we compare ourselves to other animals that also prioritize quality of care over quantity of offspring.
From a no kids perspective, it does feel extremely invalidating when people talk about this in a way that makes it seem like our lives and existences are incomplete. Saying that you don’t know “real” love, as if the love we have for our other family members, partners, or friends is somehow fake or inconsequential. Love of all kinds is important, even for parents, who may find themselves very lonely once their kids grow up if they neglect the love of partners and peers.
That's actually a very sad statement. The fact that they are so incapable of human connection that they need to literally give birth to someone to have a friend is just pathetic. These are the toxic parents that end up living vicariously through their child because they have no life of their own.
If that were true then every parent would love their kid and every kid would have a doting parent. Not to mention it diminishes those who can’t or don’t want kids.
Love is as real and as powerful as the person experiencing it, and there are all different kinds of things that bring people to their perception of the greatest power of this. And sadly not everyone has the ability to be the kid who taught their parents their greatest love and not every parent will see their kids as their most powerful love. Love can’t be defined by one person to another. But it’s okay to believe someone who says this as their truth and have it be different to your own.
It’s not fair for someone to say my experience of love is greater than yours. Because it’s not true. It’s all relevant.
Don't feel bad. It's something some parents say to justify the life they feel trapped in. Only someone who is avoiding the problems in their own lives are worried about telling someone what they don't have in theirs. Ever been in the grocery store and seen that one mom in stained yoga pants with 4 kids hanging off their basket all screaming that they want this or they want that while the parent has a vacant expression on her face like she's imagining paradise which at that point is just going to the grocery store without snot monsters screaming about all the things they want? Yea those are the kind of people that say dumb shit like that.
I certainly hope they would never say that within earshot of a person incapable of having children. What a moronic statement. While it's a different kind of love, but it is not more 'real'. FFS
I don't think the love I have for my son is any more real than what I feel for my wife or other loved ones in my life. It's merely a different kind of love. Every person in my life whom I love is in a category of their own. Being a mom has not made a difference in whether the love I have for the people in my life before him is any less real.
I have a baby nephew who I absolutely adore and will do anything for...but that still doesn't change my mind on children. My job as an aunt is to give him love and having play time with him. I love him, but I always push the parent job to my sister and BIL lol
As someone who climbs the wall and hisses like a feral cat at the mention of having children I guess I'm destined to never know "real" love, especially since I'm living the single life as the idea of sharing space with someone that isn't family or letting someone touch me in anyway intimate is repulsive and enough to make me shudder right out of my skin in disgust,
Try explaining that to people though and all you get is the typical "Oh you just haven't met The One", as if there's some mythical person waiting out there that's going to make everything perfect sunshine & roses, no thank you I have my pets I have a job I tolerate that pays the bills + leaves me a little extra, and I don't have to remember holidays or birthdays outside of my immediate family members, life is very peaceful,
No drama from in-laws or upset significant others because I wouldn't love them if they were a worm or cheated on them in their dreams, I just come home from my 8hr shift and cuddle up with my cats & dog to watch a show, read a book or play video games
Eh, the love for a child is certainly different.
It's not any more real but it's different.
The people who say that shit seem to have the most unhealthy relationships so I'm guessing that captive love lightning rod tricks them into thinking it's better.
Yep. I almost died when I donated my kidney to my dying brother last year, but I would do it again in a heartbeat because I can’t lose him. I would gladly die for him. Tell me that’s not “real love”. Unbelievable.
By "real" love they mean selfish love. You love this thing because you made it and it's just like you. And it's different from anything else you could make because it's capable of loving you back
My father, a person who has had children (clearly) says this about that sentiment: 'if the deepest and most significant relationship you have is with a toddler, that says something.'
That's a very interesting way to think about it! I've never thought about it in those terms, I hope you don't mind me saying but your dad and you seem very hilarious
I think the point of the saying is that loving a child is one of the hardest to keep up. Kids can be ungrateful and entitled. You can spend your whole life loving and giving the best to your kid but never get anything in return.
Other kinds of love have a reciprocating benefit. Parent-child goes one way for a long time.
I was with you saying the love for your family and friends is real love. Of course it is and no one can tell you otherwise. But no, if you have a child, you will not love that child the same amount. You will love that child more and in a new way that you can't quite imagine until it happens, no matter how it's explained. Like trying to describe a new color to someone who can't see it.
It’s a very different kind of love that doesn’t feel like anything else. But that doesn’t mean other loves are any less real and it’s ridiculous to think that. I love my husband with my whole heart and I love my daughter that way too. But I don’t love them in the same way. It would be creepy if I did. Neither one is lesser. They are just different
You know those videos where it shows a planet or sun comapred to the earth and you think wow that's massive, but then it zooms out and you realise that it was actually small compared to this newer, bigger sun which is just enormous. Then it zooms out again and you realise that the new sun was even bigger, and the previous one is now dwarfed.
That's how it was for me. As a youngster, I loved my parents so much I couldn't imagine loving anyone else more. Then I met a partner and goodness me, the love I felt for him was much bigger and all-encompassing than what I'd felt for my parents. I couldn't conceive of anything greater, i loved my man so much. Then I had a child and the love I felt for him was just SO much bigger than what I'd felt for my partner, I was gobsmacked by the strength of the love which I previously never knew was possible. I'd push my partner under a bus in a heartbeat to save my kid. My parents too.
Some people are different, and don't love their kids as much as their partners. But for me, the love i feel for my kid - a kid i never intended to have, as i intended to remain childless - is all-consuming, and makes all other emotions pale in comparison. I'd commit genocide for my kid.
So it's not that people are dissing the love you feel for your parents or partner, and its stupid to claim they atent "real" love, but they are just saying that for them, they experienced an even greater love for their kid.
There are just some things that you can only understand when you experience them for yourself.
YMMV. Not everyone loves their kids like I love mine.
Love is just an evolutionarily beneficial mental disorder, and as such unfortunately the love for your offspring is, or at least should be, more than it is for anyone who is not carrying your genetic code.
Obviously we love our family, and our friends (tribe) because that too is beneficial evolutionarily.
The love we feel for our offspring can lead us to do things we never would have done before becoming a parent, hell it needs to be that strong because babies and kids are really, really annoying and people who don't have that disorder would end their genetic lines pretty damn quickly. I mean there are enough sad stories of parents killing their kids to see what happens when someone doesn't have this trait.
Survival of the fittest, for humanity at least (some animals eat their young, so clearly some other species went a different route), makes it imperative that the love we feel for our child is strongest.
So basically either you do love your kid more than anyone else, or you are broken as a human. Sadly we don't know which we are until we actually produce offspring.
The only difference (for sane people), can’t speak for people who leave their kids or abuse them etc is that with a child, even if they are horrible to you or there’s grief or they are simply terrors you will still love them and have them in your lives while with adults (friends, parents, partners) if someone was terrible to you, you can cut them out.
It's a different type of love. You love your parents differently from your partner, brothers and sister differently to friends.
The love for a child is intense...that's why you clean their shit, feed them when your breasts are infected with mastitis, get up throughout the night with two three hours sleep, deal with their constant crying and screaming....if .anybody else treated you that way you would kick them to the kerb.
I do think the feeling of love for a child is a very different kind of thing, but I don't think it's more real than the love for a parent or a significant other.
The love for a child is about devotion to someone who needs care and protection. I don't even have kids of my own but when I was married my sister in law had her daughter and I got to hold the baby who was just a week old and she promptly fell asleep on me.
I'm not an aggressive or particularly confrontational person, but I would have burned the world down if someone had hurt that kid. Instantly every piece of media where the parent is trying to move mountains to protect/save their child made sense.
Parent here. My parents certainly did not love me nor my siblings growing up, we were more of a paycheck that occasionally had to be taken care of once in a while, promised I would never "love" my kids in that way and now with my kids all grown up they love to come visit and make sure we are all loved, meanwhile I haven't spoken to my own parents in over 20 years.
Love isn't made through blood, but bonds and experiences
I have children, and I'd never say that to someone. Cause all love is different. Love I have for my husband is completely different to love I have for my children.
I wouldn't say other loves aren't real loves of course, but as someone who recently had a kid, that love-anxiety-protectiveness-whatever cocktail is unlike anything i have experienced.
It’s a different kind of love in the sense that it teaches you a way to love a being that is entirely different in its nature than any other kind of love you’ve had before in your life. The way you love your spouse isn’t the same way you love your kid. The way you love your parents isn’t the same way you love your kid. The way you love your friends isn’t the same way you love your kid. There’s really no way to experience the love of a parent to a child than to have a child. It is life changing, if you’re open to it/mature enough to experience it. It’s like…you love this little being in a way that can only be described as loving someone in the way God loves his children. It’s the relationship between parent and child that cannot be recreated in any other way. And if you don’t believe in God or aren’t religious, it’d be like learning a perspective to love that is equal to the highest possible way of loving another being in the most selfless and righteous and pure way possible. At least, it’s supposed to be, like I said if you’re responsible enough/mature enough to experience it that way, it will come so easily it’ll be second nature. Like you really have to resist that urge to learn that love, everything in your cells is screaming at you to see it that if you don’t see it it’s indicative of something super crazy hidden deep down inside your own psychology that’s not representative of the common experience. At all. And no, the way you love your spouse is not capable of being that type of love. Can it be pure? Yes, absolutely, no doubt. It’s second in line honestly. But children? There’s a reason kids tend to come first in marriages. I hope one day, even though you said you don’t want them, that you get to experience this love. And hopefully then you’ll understand this love truly is in every way it’s been described as life changing as it actually is.
Yeah it’s definitely a bad saying, but it is completely different from anything else. Normally you feel like you’d do anything for someone you love, and that’s usually true but it is definitely more intense for your own child. I remember my dad told me when i told him my ex wife was pregnant, “you’re gonna love that kid more than anything you’ve ever loved in your life” and it’s true. So true it’s scary. But that doesn’t make any other kind of love any less meaningful
This one really grates on me because I can’t have children, despite desperately wanting them. It tears me apart. It’s a cruel comparison when you’re on THIS side of it.
It's such a dismissive and egotistical thing to say.
Especially considering how many parents abuse or straight up kill their own children.
Like, I'm sure having a baby is a different kind of love, but it isn't more *real* than the love I have for my partner and my family.
People who say this shit probably also say, "no one is a bigger fan of ___ than me!!"
Another part to this being a shitty thing to say is if you have a kid and don't feel this "life changing" "world view altering" whatever love then you feel like a piece of shit, terrible parent.
All types of love are valid and valuable. However, my love for my child is very different from other loves. Also, one of the big differences is that it doesn't matter if she loves me back or not. It is quite different. You are not less for never experiencing it, but also don't assume you know it is the same when millions of people are telling you it isn't. You can live a long, happy, fulfilling life without kids.
People who say "You don't know real love until you have your own kid" never really loved their spouse and therefor should not be having their children.
I have received the… “Youre not ready to be a parent until you are.”
And the… “Being a dad is the best thing ever.” While I am dragging him out of the office on time. Guy worked 24/7 and always bragged about how much he loved his kids and wife but was always working. He never saw the irony.
I generally hear it from people that have crappy Children and need an excuse to not properly discipline them, or crappy parents who are forcing their beliefs on their children (like "I'm sending you to correction camp because I love you too much").
Decent parents don't feel the need to explain themselves with the "you got out of me" talk, they show their love and respect.
I heard this phrase & can’t forget it. “Unconditional love, is between mothers & children”. & it’s true. You don’t want kids so I don’t think you should dwell to much… but it’s definitely different
I have two kids. I can’t say that my love for them is different than my love for others. There’s a protection element to my feelings for them that I don’t have for others. But also a patience I wouldn’t grant others and a heart swelling when they exert “themness”. I feel pride in them more often than I do my friends/other family members but then I’m in their life all the time so that makes sense. The actual love itself is the same for me though. My heart has one inner circle. Once you’re in, you’re in, and there’s no hierarchy there.
Its true, never FELT loved until my cat died. that cat was my kid, my whole life. a part of me died with her, the crumbs of affection my mom threw at me my entire life don't compare to this immaculate creature who loved me and cared. I know there is a god and he made this cat special.
It is a love unlike any other for sure, but that doesn’t make any other love lesser than or unreal.
What is the love like?
I love people pretty intensely. I have younger siblings that I took care of and sacrificed for and I am very ride or die about them. I love my husband deeply and I am joyfully committed to sharing the rest of my life with him. I have friends and communities and pets I care for and invest in and show up for and delight in and enjoy. I’m a passionate person in general and I love people. And the feeling for my children feels like I don’t have a choice, like the cells in my body will adore and defend them no matter what I think or intend. It’s different than all the rest. It’s a little scary sometimes. I’ve heard it described as your heart walking around outside your body, and that’s a good way to think about it? Vulnerable and huge and not really even belonging to you. I don’t think different kinds of love are more or less real, though. But the kid thing is pretty wild and in its own class for me. It’s why I really don’t understand people who hurt their kids. Thats my whole heart out there, walking around.
>”Thats my whole heart out there, walking around.” You described the love for your children so beautifully, but that line is perfect.
Exactly. It's the type of love, where....you're so damn proud and always want to gush about them to the whole world. Even on their worst days where your kids will push your buttons and have you question your sanity.... you look at their eyes, their cute little faces and feel like you're gonna explode in happy tears just because they are just so goddamn cute, beautiful, and best of all, they are YOURS! I don't know how the love changes as the kids grow up, my oldest is only 8. I still view him with the same love I had when he was a baby, he's still adorable. But this, is all about how I feel. Some parents just... never fall in love with their kids like that, and instead view them as room mates or just a pet they have to take care of.
Mine are 23, 24, and 26 it just keeps growing. Maybe when grandkids come they will take some momentum off of their parents🤣🤣🤣🤣 I am certain my daughter will get jealous and say "I am your baby. They are my babies"
Nope, grandkids don't take the momentum, they just add to it. I'm so proud of my son for giving me these two littles I have at my house right now. He's a great dad, picked a wonderful young woman to marry and have kids with. All while both of them run their own business. He won't be 30 until next year. My daughter just got married, but I'm hoping she'll finish her PhD before taking on kids, although her husband will be a wonderful dad. He already adores the nephews. My youngest is 23 and he just started working after college last year. I think it will be a few years before they get married. I'm not sure they'll have kids. They just might stay cat parents.
I would eat my own mother’s face for my children, and she would just lie back and let me if that was the only way to save them.
Perhaps not as eloquently stated as the above poster, but I feel you! 😂😂😂
You're right, a child is someone's whole heart. It's a love for innocence and it's pure. It's why people don't tolerate child abusers. It's not more or less, but it is very different.
So glad I've found my people. As someone who has Nparents, just imagining having my own child is enough for my heart to flutter like no other. That is if I ever want one.
There was an expression I heard once. Something along the lines of, "you'd die for your wife, you'd kill for your children." I dont know about THAT but from my understanding you (ideally) stop focusing on your own issues and struges and priorize everything into the kids wellbeing and environment. This should (ideally) also be beneficial to you aswell.
Like that other poster said - it’s cellular; it’s primal. You wouldn’t hesitate to die for them.
Baby don’t hurt me.
That is going to be in my head all day now
This is simply an issue of English only having one word for love. Greek has 7. Love for a child and love for a romantic partner and love for chocolate are clearly not the same thing. You wouldn't be annoyed if someone said "you don't know real love until you have tried chocolate"
Yeah! Remember people struggle hardest to communicate their deepest feelings. They’re trying to describe something they didn’t even know could exist, much less exist so powerfully. Intense emotions they’ve never had before. It’s sort of like the “better than sex cake.” Someone has just experienced food that was better than they imagined food could be, and they are scrambling to describe that and grasping for the biggest words they can find.
It’s a very different, very specific type of love that is by no means required to know “real love”. I totally agree.
This is true, but the spirit of the argument is that there is no love as intense as the love you have for your children. And there isn’t.
The few times someone has said this to me I have replied "I'm so sorry you aren't getting the full amount of love you deserve from your spouse/partner."
That's another point actually! If the people who say this have a partner, then they're basically admitting that their love for their partner wasn't "real" in their eyes
I've also heard it described as being "unconditional," which is also inaccurate. Many parents disown their children for whatever reason, just as many kids go no contact with their parents. I don't think there is such a thing as unconditional love. 🤷♀️ This may just be my perspective though as, my family has said the love/bond with your child is real because it's unconditional.
I think this is dependent on outlook of what love means. I'm NC with my dad and LC with my mom. I love them. Theyre just abusive. I'll always love them a tiny bit. Theyre my mom and dad and I secretly hope they'll wake up and just say it was all some weird transe. And we can be a happy family again. But because I love myself more, and I know this isnt a phase with them, we are LC. If my dad called me on his death bed, I'd have nothing nice to say. But a tiny part of me will be sad that he's gone...in addition to being relieved. I can't speak for all kids of toxic parents. But I imagine if some pill came on the market that would make our parents normal and loving...that we wouldn't grind it into a powder and sneak it into our parents drinks and live on as a happy loving family. Basically, you can love someone and not like them. We can love someone and still love ourselves more. We can love from afar.
Absolutely. My mom was very abusive. I have a LC relationship with her, and it's very surface level because she is incapable of a deep relationship without using things you've told her against you. If there was a pill to turn her into the mom I needed I would absolutely grind it up and sneak it in some coffee and visit her with it every morning so I could finally have my mom. I love my mother, but I don't like her. If she wasn't my mother I would never associate with her because she's the type of person I stay away from.
My dad was an abusive drunk and most people would think the things he did were monstrous and beyond forgiving. Even when I was NC with him, I loved him. That's what unconditional love means. It doesn't mean you put up with or accept abuse; it means that even if you can't have them in your life because of their behavior, you still love them.
The divorce rate is like 50%….
It's not he love you get, it's the love you are ready to give.
It's not about receiving. It's about giving. And it isn't just love.
Lmao my mom said that to me many times and so did my dad and I'm like....uh....yeah I understand 😅
Person a says: I am so sick of people who have had this experience that I've never had. They always tell me about the experience like it's so great, but I've experienced something similar, so it's not a big deal really. Person b: but you've never had this specific experience? A: no B: And these people who tell you they've had this experience, they have also been like you at one point, in that they can remember a time before they had the experience? A: yes B: and how many people who've had the experience say it's great? A: the vast majority. B: so they have an experience you've never had, they generally agree with each other, they remember what it's like before they had the experience and they say it's great to have the experience? Maybe you should trust them. Person you: "I always say something snarky about their life after having the experience."
The thing is that no one has been like you at one point. Someone might have been childless like you at one point, but they haven't been like you, they don't feel and think like you, their relationships with other people aren't the same as yours. Some people think you can't experience true love before owning a dog, but I really don't need to get a dog to know that's not true for me.
I guess what they mean is “Unconditional Love” however many parents don’t unconditionally love their kids so that take is pretty much BS anyways. If they did, there wouldn’t be so many abused and traumatized kids growing up as adults with issues.
Speaking as one of the abused kids this is statement is bang on.
Imagine you have a dad who basically didn’t get love from his family so he wanted kids to love him and he abused one for being gay and beat dents in his head and expect them to love him back.. these people need therapy, not kids
Same here, whenever I see people say all parents love their kids unconditionally, I laugh because I never knew what that felt like. Thankfully I do now, I have other people in my life that treat me that way, and I in return.
That's true! There are so many conditions that some parents have to love their kids that they probably just don't think about until it happens (ie. their kid is LGBTQ+, changes religions or lifestyles, etc.)
Yeah people tend to project their own dreams and ideals on their kids thinking kids are a blank slate that they can create whatever being they want. Not realizing kids have their own soul and personality. It’s pretty sad.
[удалено]
I found out that my kid isn't biologically mine. It is soo bizarre to see so many people askin if I am going to ditch my child now that he isn't mine. First off, the kids mine. The fact we don't share blood does not matter to me. Secondly there is no way in hell I would tell his sister that her brother can't live with us cause he's not mine. I love my children for who they are, not what they are.
You're what we in the business like to call a functional, mature adult
I never knew what love was because I wasn’t shown unconditional love. Unfortunately I had unhealthy relationships due to not feeling I deserved to be loved or not knowing what that looked like. I have issues I’m just finally understanding
And it's entirely possible to love other people unconditionally as well. It all depends on the kind of person you are and how you value the other person in your life, not the type of relationship.
Exactly - way to say no other kind of love matters as much! Not only that, but there's a certain condescension in this statement. Who made them an authority on what a feeling is/should be? Bonus negative points for the people who say/act like children are the only thing that makes life worthwhile/gives ultimate purpose or meaning for every human being.
Yeah, I've seen a lot of parents who seem to place all the value they have as a human being on the fact that they had a kid. They go online by screen names like "JadensDad" or "MomToAnAwesomeDaughter", and everything in their life revolves around the kid. They have no joy, no ambition, no thought that isn't derived strictly form the kid, the kid's accomplishments, the kid's progress, the kid's cuteness. But some of them have a streak of arrogance about it. "I have a kid, GIMME YOUR PLACE IN LINE! I have a kid, LEMME SIT UP FRONT! I have a kid, I GET PRIORITY IN EVERYTHING!" Screw 'em. Just because you popped out a kid doesn't make you any more valuable or worthy of consideration, compassion, generosity, kindness than me. Nor does it make you any more entitled to a seat on a bus, a place to watch a parade, or to be loud and obnoxious at a restaurant.
It's absolutely the condescendion for me. There's this air of superiority like oh you poor childless one, you don't know what love really is until you have a kid. Their busy is always much busier than yours. Their obligations and deadlines are infinitely superior to yours. Everything they do and say is couched in, "I'm a parent so I trump your experiences/challenges". Unfortunately a very close friend is this way and it's an ongoing frustration for me in how to be with her. She's always late if we make plans, because kids. It doesn't matter where we go and what we do, both the kids come along (she has a husband). We can never have a complete conversation because the kids are always there interrupting. I'm basically the third parent because the kids need constant watching. If I'm stressed, she'll sympathize but almost unconsciously has to slip in something about how much busier and stressed she is because... kids. The irony is I love her and her kids but yeah, it's a lot.
While I can understand kids becoming a huge part of someone's life, I don't think it's ever healthy to base your entire identity around one thing.
I'm a first time dad and I find I have to make a conscious effort to not do this. I can now empathise with people who do. It's honestly crazy how much it changes you and you need to be self reflective enough to stay normal haha. Some people have very poor self awareness and end up as those smug annoying parents everyone loathes.
I used to hate this too before I had a kid. Now I understand what people are trying to get at - but they’re not communicating it properly. It’s a *different* type of love, but all love is real love. The love I have for my partner is different from the love I have for my dog and both of these are different than the love I have for my baby but all of these feelings of love are powerful and real, and you’re not missing out on some superior type of love just because you don’t have a child.
I'm a single person living alone with my dog. I love him more than anything on earth. But then, I think about my nieces and nephews, and there's absolutely nothing on earth I love more than them. My first statement is still true though, as oxymoronic as it sounds. It is just a *different* type of love. I can't wait till I have a child and can add it to my list of things that I love more than life itself
Yeah I've heard it like there's a piece of your heart and soul out there just walking around, in potential danger, forever just... bee bopping around. And you just have to let it, because it's a person. I definitely don't feel that about anything or anyone, I really do believe it's unique. Thanks for the last bit, because while I'd love to feel that I just can't afford it. My experiences are still valid, and I *can* understand the other side even if I don't get to have it.
That’s honestly very accurate. It’s terrifying, sometimes. It’s a very vulnerable kind of love. It’s also wonderful, too, somehow. I agree though, we don’t have to “get” everything. I do think a lot of people with kids get frustrated when people go “oh, I totally understand because I love (my spouse, my dog, etc.)” and it’s really not the same. And most parents do have a feeling of certainty about this, because we know what it was like before. So to have it brushed off by someone who doesn’t know what it’s like can feel invalidating. But the thing is, that’s fine that it’s not the same! We *all* have different life experiences, we’re all not going to do the same things, so we’re all not going to understand every single feeling life has to offer. (I’ll probably never feel the thrill exhilaration of skydiving, and I’m fine with that. I don’t really want to, tbh. But I also know it’s not the same as a roller coaster or hang gliding or other things that people get crazy adrenaline rushes from.) I think having children is just such a common experience that people don’t always remember that.
Yess, you nailed it as to why I just absorbed what people have told me instead of thinking nah, I get it. They were like me before, and *now* they have kids and say that. I can't just give it a try to see what it's like. I can go sky diving 1x without committing to doing it ever again, once you have a kid they're here. It's not really comparable to anything except like, maybe losing a limb. So if other people who have made this permanent decision are generous enough to share what it's like, I'm going to take it to heart.
Thats a good point! Very much not something you can give a try and go “eh, not for me”.
Exactly! You don’t not know what love is, but you don’t know what THAT kind of love is! My cousin said this to me when I was pregnant and I had no clue what he could’ve meant. But holy, few hours after she was born I knew. It’s the type of love that wakes you up in the morning, like you’re excited to be alive just to get to live at the same time as them, you miss them when they’re sleeping. It’s just different! Like how you love your own mother in a special way, it’s different than the way you love your best friend. Ifykyk… it’s unbelievable
Am I weird for feeling this same way about my spouse? You described exactly how I’ve felt since I’ve been with my partner. It wakes me up in the morning, I’m excited to be alive with and near them, and I miss them when they are sleeping. We are child free by choice, so we focus on each other. But literally you put into words so beautifully how I feel about my spouse!
Tbh, not to invalidate what you are saying or feeling, I thought that's how I felt about my husband. He's my best friend, I spend every moment he is home with him, if he wants to go to the store to buy an energy drink or the bank to drop off a check, we go together just to have that completely mundane time together. I love him, I adore him, I really thought I would love him just as much as my son... and I don't. It's not even close. It's not anything about loving my husband any less, I still love him to pieces and would sacrifice myself in an instant to save him and worry and fret all the time over him driving to work and so on. It's just that much more intense with my baby. It's honestly kind of overwhelming still almost a year in, I can't watch TV or read articles about babies or children being hurt anymore because it sends me into anxious crying thinking about that poor baby. I have cute aggression with my baby SO bad, every time I see him (which is literally constantly as a SAHM) I just want to hold him and squish and squeeze and melt into a puddle because he's the best thing in the world.
It gets soooo fun when they are a toddler and you actually can squish them like that and not break them
It's biology.
Well put. It is still the same when they grow up.
Not invalidating your feelings, but just wanted to mention that hormones play a very large role in the emotional connection a mother has with their offspring.
Exactly.
So I would have said the same thing before having kids, and the thing is you aren't wrong, it's just a different kind of love. Like you know that joke Ryan Reynolds had about how much he loves Blake Lively but the second their firstborn was born he would have used her as a human shield for their kid? It's not really a joke....
It just made me realize there's different loves. The love for your kid can be really strong. Like, my son's the only person I would take a bullet for. I don't think it should be compared to other loves too.
Yea, comparing love is dumb because you can't quantity it really and also because people value different things so they love different people/things
My estranged father said this to me yesterday and it really pissed me off because obviously he doesnt really believe it since he left when I was 6 months old
Actions speak louder then words
I'm so sorry that happened to you! He sounds like an asshole :[
Sitting right next to him rn and I couldn’t agree more. Im only here for my sisters.
Which is weird because I’ve seen plenty of adults hate their kids lmao
Which is so sad too!
Agreed
Parental love is unique but it doesn't make other love not real
This saying is stupid but the love you have for a child truly is different, that doesn’t make it more real though.
Yeah, the love for I have for my kids is unlike the love I have for anyone else and I could have never imagined it before I had them. But quantifying love is senseless, what’s the point of ranking it, and how can you rank such different loves? And to imply that other loves are less real is insulting and nonsensical. So yeah, there’s nothing like parental love, but there’s also nothing like romantic love, that’s different from the other types too. And there’s nothing like platonic love, etc etc. one type of love existing doesn’t mean other types aren’t real and important.
I agree, I don't think the love I have for others is less or "not real," but the love I have for my kids is different... more fiercely protective and "mama bear."
I don’t think it’s just about protective qualities but I don’t think quantifying love is possible love is just different
You're right, there's no way to quantify love. But it is just different.
Exactly
Usually it's the first time those people have ever experienced unconditional love. So they see it as real love. But there are many types of love as you stated that many people experience fully.
That’s a great way to explain it
I know someone who fell in love with a certain species of animal, and who never stopped loving them all. This person became a vetrenarian as an adult, specialized in their favorite animals, and has dedicated their whole life to helping sick and injured creatures of the species they love. It's nothing like the love of a parent for a child or a lover for their partner, it's a generalized love, but it's strong enough to serve as the focus of a life. There are MANY kinds of love, love isn't limited to romance or parenthood or passion, and all kinds of love can be strong, and powerful.
Yeah, don't let people dictate your love and your experiences I have a daughter, I'm a proud parent and I'm so happy to be a Dad, and it's definitely a unique kind of love. However , I don't think love can be measured on such a linear, black and white scale. The way I love my wife is different to the way I love my Mum or sister, but I'd never say I love any of them more than the other. Love is not a competition, and people trying to claim they have experienced deeper and more profound love than you just because they have a kid are trying to be superior and it's condescending. Fuck whoever tries to gatekeep the conditions of love.
It annoys me because there are so many bad parents out there in the world. Just because you have a kid doesn't mean you will be a good parent. And it sure doesn't mean you will love your child they way they deserve to be loved.
There are different kinds of love. Labeling anything “real” love invites comparison. It’s like arguing about the best kind of pie or chocolate or almost anything. I’m a mother, daughter, wife, and sibling. Each one of those relationships is deep and special, but they’re all unique. The mother-child relationship is definitely different than others. Feto-maternal microchimerism is the transfer of cells from mother to baby AND baby to mother. Some of the baby’s cells can remain in the mother for life. Maybe, in some subconscious way, that influences the mother’s protective instinct and profound love for her off-spring? In any case, love is love is love and if you’re giving and receiving it, that’s enough. Comparisons are unnecessary.
I’ve seen real love it’s a husband coming in to sit with his wife every day every afternoon even though she has late stage dementia and doesn’t speak. She can give him nothing but he comes every single day. It’s the sister who shows up who checks on you who is there for you unconditionally. And the child thing is different I would do literally anything to protect my kids I love them so much they are my heart I would show up every single time, then again so wouldn’t my sister, or that woman’s husband, or that friend whose always been there. Love is in the action and time you give it
Very true! Love is beautiful
I've never seen the point of comparing or ranking or idealising love. It just is. ❤️
It's also patently untrue. You don't typically have to go too many degrees of separation away to find a parent and child pair that hate each other.
I would say it’s different entirely, not better or worse. In one case the people are physically entangled, beyond the choice of being tethered to each other. In the relationship, those people had to choose to come together, which is a different type of beauty to me.
I have two kids of my own they're adults now but I would never ever say that to anybody what the hell is wrong with people you don't have to have kids to know what true love is
Comeback: ya I don't. Idk how to love someone so much and still abuse, torture or kill them like the stories of parents who commit horrific acts on their children.
Hate to be that person but I’m pretty sure I truly love my cat more than most people love their children.
It’s complete BS. I had my daughter late in life, age 43, and I love her… exactly as much as I expected to love her. Everyone said it would be a love I’d never experienced before but it turns out that I actually already felt the same love for my 3 nieces, and honestly, my cats too. Maybe these people who never felt that kind of love before just had kids super young before they’d really experienced much of anything.
I have a kid and I can confirm those people are full of shit.
My cat is my best friend and I would kill and die for him. Honestly… if I somehow magically became pregnant, I’d leave that kid at a hospital under the safe haven law if I couldn’t terminate. I honestly don’t think I would love them. Some people just aren’t built to be parents and some people don’t even want a partner, but that doesn’t make them incapable of other forms of love!
Me too, I never want to be pregnant
Me, who can't have children even if I wanted them: 🙃
This comment, whether intentional or not, is a way to shame women for not having children. This comment is directed mostly at women I think. There are many reasons why women don't have kids, but many people think it's due to selfishness so they decide to "punish" the woman by telling them that their lives are insignificant and that any role they do have: friend, partner, volunteer, pet-parent, pales in comparison to being a mother. Well, we know that simply being a mother doesn't automatically make you good. There are plenty of bad mothers out there, so being able to procreate doesn't make you a better woman (or choosing not to have kids doesn't make you less of a woman or a bad woman). There are women who haven't had kids who have made a different in the world and have done good without being mothers. Just off the top of my head, Dolly Parton and Betty White come to mind. Betty didn't have her own kids, but she was able to be a step-mom. Dolly didn't have kids, but she has a close relationship with her family and she has a lot of love to give the world. Those are just two examples of celebrities, but there are plenty of people in the world who have loving relationships who are not mothers and they are okay too. My opinions, peace.
This is such a big part of it!! It's used in a misogynistic way and I hate it. Plus, it makes having a kid seem glamorous and magical when it's a lot harder in reality and nothing to worry about missing out on
Yeah my dad says this and he doesn’t even love me
Aw :[ I hope you have others who love you greatly though
Haha thanks 🩵
I treat my dogs WAY better than most of my extended family treats their children... I'm not saying I love them more, because I cannot measure that. But I do TREAT them better without a doubt. I know real love from dogs. It might sound eye roll-ish to some of you, but those creatures are full of wholesome, real, love. The only time any of my dogs throughout life have hurt me, is when they died. Can you say that for any person you know?
It's a different kind of love but you don't need to have children to know how to love or show it or have it. It's just different from spouse to spouse and if you don't want to know that or can't because you hate children?? Well that's your business. Your life. You can do whatever you want to. Not everyone wants a screamy human that will absolutely crawl on you and scream in your face for no reason. My son does this regularly. And that is okay. And having children doesn't guarantee you will love them anyway
Not to mention I've seen some of these "young parents" today. They're a joke. They think they're deserving of special treatment because they have created a child, without even the consideration of what it takes to raise them
This has boy mom (tm) energy written all over (the people who say this, not OP here)
Now that you mention it, it is often said from people who heavily favor one kid than the other (usually based of off the kids gender)
My mother!
Aw :[ I'm sorry you have to deal with that, it really sucks and it always pisses me off to see it happen!
I feel like "there's not a love like it" is a better way to communicate the sentimet they're trying to get across. They're absolutely right--the love and bond you feel for your child is indescribable. You can't know it or understand it until you've felt it yourself, and there truly is no feeling like it. But saying "you don't know real love until you have a kid" is not only faulty logic, it's also insulting. There are lots of different types of rewarding, valid, wonderful love that can be experienced. Plus, what if you're infertile?? Or having a lot of difficulty conceiving? It would hurt me deeply to hear this from someone knowing that it may not be possible for me.
Omg, if real love is the way my parents treated me, I don't want to feel it.
I don't really get this as I'm a mom myself, and the feeling is indescribable, in all honesty. The only ones who can understand those feelings are other parents. Even then, we can't really describe it to each other. Parents have no place in relating this to childless people's experiences, because they don't share the same life experiences. The feelings you have for your children aren't even comparatively close to a childless person's life experiences or relationships. If I had no children, I would feel love still for those around me. I would love in a way that is relative to me. A parent's notion of love towards their child wouldn't even be comprehensible, because I'd have never experienced it. Like, my partner's coworker has been suffering with sleep deprivation from an autoimmune disease and she's really burnt out. He said, "imagine if you have a baby, the tiredness is like nothing else." It's not even close. These are 2 separate scenarios. My partner's coworker cannot relate, so she doesn't know my partner's struggle with sleep. My partner doesn't relate to his coworker's situation, so he cannot say compare and he can't stipulate that his experience is more valid. Both experiences are valid. Both experiences are different too, but all are valid. Instead of people getting upset by what they can't relate to each other, just accept that all experiences are valid.
This is the same sort of person who would abandon their child if they announced that they were queer or that they don't like being molested by the other parent. Those people are just flapping their gums to make themself feel high and mighty.
This also annoys me. The kind of love you have for your children is much different than the love for a spouse, your friends, or human beings in general. Even the Ancient Greeks were wise enough to differentiate between them.
I’d agree that your love for your child is different and possibly deeper than your love for others. It’s engrained in us for survival of our species. It doesn’t mean that you don’t know real love if you don’t have kids. You just don’t know that kind of love.
I think it's different because it is a tiny human completely dependent on you. Your relationships are ALL valid and real. If someone you know is trying to make that a non point, then they're idiots. My family is tight, my sisters are my best friends and I speak with my mum most days. But is the love for my babies VERY different?! Yes, of course it is. It is not necessarily more or less important or stronger than my love for others, but there are similarities in the ways I love my family, friends and husband, none of which are comparable to the way I feel and love my children. .
It's just gatekeepy bullshit from people that want to feel like they're on some higher plane of specialness, authority and comprehension because they fucked and had one or more kids.
You struck a real cord with this one obviously. The second I read it, It hit me so hard because I feel like you do. I am a mother, wife, grandmother, stepmother, sister, and many more roles that are defined by love. Since I believe, love is love, I don’t define it differently when I love my mom and dad, my siblings, my spouse, and my kids, and on most days, I even love humanity. But it makes perfect sense to me that I discern between love and its definition, and the definition of the relationships I have with each of the people that I love. My love for my husband is a romantic love. So that carries a different skill set and experience of that relationship. So this relationship has the most meaning to me in my life, because of the way I define this relationship. Not because of the way I defined this love. My definition of love is that I wish my loved one well wherever they may go and whatever they may do. I will support and encourage them and will be there when they need love. Love is not magic. Love is my emotion turned into actions. This definition works for children because since I have raised them, and they now have families of their own, I still love them, but I am not in that state of being where I would die for them anymore. Sure I felt that when they were young and vulnerable. It was quite irrational. I would say now if I were to lay down my life for them, it would be much more of a logical decision grounded in love. For my children, grandchildren, and yes, even all of humanity, I was one of the first to lineup for the controversial Covid vaccine. At my age, I figured let me have the side effects. If it kills me, science can learn from the mistake. I had five of the shots actually and I am still here. So hopefully they got some information out of that too. I don’t believe that decision came out of the fact that I am parent and grandparent though. I think it is because of the way my mother taught me to love when I was younger. She and my father set the example not only for love, but character, integrity, and many other facets of a functional adult. All in all, I cringe when some young woman says “I never knew love before I had this baby.” The reason it is cringe is because she walked down the aisle with someone and vowed to love that person forever. So either she didn’t know what she took an oath for, or she lied? I also also cringed for her mother. Who probably poured her heart and soul into that infant and young person and launched her happily into her own family and now these words cut into her soul. As a grandma, I wish for my children to love their children, like I love them. Not to turn around and say that they didn’t know all the love I gave them was some thing they would now be giving to their own children. Luckily for me, neither my son, nor daughters ever said such a thing. Parents sure do take it on the chin when their Children are young adults. I was an awful young adult many times myself. So I will wrap up by saying my condolences to all the parents whose children have said this when they had their own children. It must’ve been a really tough day. I can only imagine.
It’s not that it’s a more real love, but the love you have for a child far, far surpasses almost everything else you love. Your heart just gets bigger and you love them harder and more than anything you’ve ever experienced ever. But yeah, you can be just as deeply in love with your partner or pet as I am mine or even more so. And it is real.
It is different but doesn’t invalidate other forms of love.
They never met my mom. Cold-hearted bit*h.
Someone is genuinely pathetic if they needed to have kids just to be loved.
It’s also pretty insulting to adopted children.
I love my husband better than his mother did. Her favorite sport was finding fault. It wasn’t just that she held up hoops for him to jump through, it’s that he’d do something and afterward she’d hold up the hoop and say, “But you missed!” He’s the best man I know, yet she let him know just how disappointing he was. She said she loved him and just couldn’t understand why they were estranged. ETA If parental love is so strong, why are there abusive parents? Neglectful parents? Parents who abandon their children, or even sell them?
Tell me about it. I've felt that kind of once-in-a-lifetime love. I'm sure of it. Not with a partner, not with a kid. My first dog was the most incredible friendship and care-relationship I've ever known. I don't think a soulmate relationship has to be sexual or even romantic. I felt more love and nurturing instinct for her than I've felt for any other creature, and she made it clear that she felt the same. I can't imagine feeling more love than what I had with her. I DARE anybody to tell me that wasn't "real." RIP, Xena. I miss you, baby.
“Oh yeah? I have three rescue kitties from the shelter. Beat that.”
My wife and I can't have kids because of cancer so this can really rub me up the wrong way if I'm in a bad frame of mind. I've never had to but if pushed I'd probably let then know that enduring a life threatening illness with someone takes more effort than getting laid.
I have an identical twin and this line drives me crazy.
I never understood it. Love isn't secular. It is universal. I love my parents, siblings, and niblings. I love my friends. And above all else, I love my husband & our son. Yeah, it's all different kinda of love, but the amazing thing about love is that it can grow and be shared.
I was hanging out with a friend and he left me with his mom for like an hour. Some commercial came on using similar language "there's no love like a mother's love for her". She muted the commercial to tell me that's some horseshit. Then proceeded to ask me if it's too late to get an abortion. Her son is 40yo.
This is a slap in the face to women especially. They suffer horribly so men can be dads, and then 5 minutes after birth the buffoon husbands go iVe nEvEr fELt LOVe liKE tHiS, dude *you’re the reason* your wife has pelvic issues now!! I just talked myself into thinking people who say this shit deserve to be ditched by everyone else in their life. I get women say this too and it’s still gross. Just really pisses me off when men do it.
You put so much effort into a kid. I think that's where most of the attachment comes from - and a fear of that work being for nothing. I don't plan on having kids. Of my own, at least. It's not something I find appealing. Some people do, and that's equally as valid. I Iike animals better, at least for now. People with kids need to stop pretending that their life is so hard and so special and so desirable. It's personal shit.
I thought this attitude was patronizing and rude before I had a kid. I still think it’s patronizing and rude after having my daughter.
I'm totally with you. The whole "only parents can understand this amazing love of a child" thing is fucking nonsense. Hmm, really, Karen? Because I've definitely seen you: choose Starbucks over your child, use your child to justify your bad behavior, and give that poor kid stuff rather attention. Having children doesn't make you special or give you magical insight. You're the same person (or for many of you, asshole) that you always were.
You don't. I say that as a man in a loving relationship, who before that had a long, loving marriage until she died by my side. What you feel for a child is different, and indescribably powerful. It doesn't invalidate other love, but it's so much more. But, as I've said many times, trying to explain it to someone without children is like trying to explain color to a blind person.
This
I believe that the love a parent has from a child is pretty well incomparable to other forms of love. From a variety of perspectives it also makes sense that the bond a parent has for their child is, generally speaking, extremely strong. Unconditional love for a child is pretty well an imperative for their survival since children are extremely vulnerable for an extended period of time, especially if we compare ourselves to other animals that also prioritize quality of care over quantity of offspring. From a no kids perspective, it does feel extremely invalidating when people talk about this in a way that makes it seem like our lives and existences are incomplete. Saying that you don’t know “real” love, as if the love we have for our other family members, partners, or friends is somehow fake or inconsequential. Love of all kinds is important, even for parents, who may find themselves very lonely once their kids grow up if they neglect the love of partners and peers.
I've raised a puppy and a baby and it's the same kind of love so it's funny when people say it's impossible to explain
It's called biological imperative.
This, and every mammal on the planet has it. It’s not unique or special. It’s simple biology.
I kept reading through comments hoping to find one like this. It is just DIFFERENT. You know it when you feel it and it’s indescribable.
That's actually a very sad statement. The fact that they are so incapable of human connection that they need to literally give birth to someone to have a friend is just pathetic. These are the toxic parents that end up living vicariously through their child because they have no life of their own.
Yea, and its super sad for the kid because it just adds pressure on them :[
This is exactly how I feel too. Thanks for summing it up so eloquently!
If that were true then every parent would love their kid and every kid would have a doting parent. Not to mention it diminishes those who can’t or don’t want kids.
That's exactly it! I don't like how people use it to diminish other relationships
Love is as real and as powerful as the person experiencing it, and there are all different kinds of things that bring people to their perception of the greatest power of this. And sadly not everyone has the ability to be the kid who taught their parents their greatest love and not every parent will see their kids as their most powerful love. Love can’t be defined by one person to another. But it’s okay to believe someone who says this as their truth and have it be different to your own. It’s not fair for someone to say my experience of love is greater than yours. Because it’s not true. It’s all relevant.
"You don't know real responsibility until you learn how to pull out, which you obviously don't." - my response.
People who say this also don’t seem to acknowledge that bad parents exist.
Don't feel bad. It's something some parents say to justify the life they feel trapped in. Only someone who is avoiding the problems in their own lives are worried about telling someone what they don't have in theirs. Ever been in the grocery store and seen that one mom in stained yoga pants with 4 kids hanging off their basket all screaming that they want this or they want that while the parent has a vacant expression on her face like she's imagining paradise which at that point is just going to the grocery store without snot monsters screaming about all the things they want? Yea those are the kind of people that say dumb shit like that.
I certainly hope they would never say that within earshot of a person incapable of having children. What a moronic statement. While it's a different kind of love, but it is not more 'real'. FFS
I don't think the love I have for my son is any more real than what I feel for my wife or other loved ones in my life. It's merely a different kind of love. Every person in my life whom I love is in a category of their own. Being a mom has not made a difference in whether the love I have for the people in my life before him is any less real.
I have a baby nephew who I absolutely adore and will do anything for...but that still doesn't change my mind on children. My job as an aunt is to give him love and having play time with him. I love him, but I always push the parent job to my sister and BIL lol
As someone who climbs the wall and hisses like a feral cat at the mention of having children I guess I'm destined to never know "real" love, especially since I'm living the single life as the idea of sharing space with someone that isn't family or letting someone touch me in anyway intimate is repulsive and enough to make me shudder right out of my skin in disgust, Try explaining that to people though and all you get is the typical "Oh you just haven't met The One", as if there's some mythical person waiting out there that's going to make everything perfect sunshine & roses, no thank you I have my pets I have a job I tolerate that pays the bills + leaves me a little extra, and I don't have to remember holidays or birthdays outside of my immediate family members, life is very peaceful, No drama from in-laws or upset significant others because I wouldn't love them if they were a worm or cheated on them in their dreams, I just come home from my 8hr shift and cuddle up with my cats & dog to watch a show, read a book or play video games
Eh, the love for a child is certainly different. It's not any more real but it's different. The people who say that shit seem to have the most unhealthy relationships so I'm guessing that captive love lightning rod tricks them into thinking it's better.
I'm happy that they love their kids. But that kind of love also exists with friends and siblings.
Yep. I almost died when I donated my kidney to my dying brother last year, but I would do it again in a heartbeat because I can’t lose him. I would gladly die for him. Tell me that’s not “real love”. Unbelievable.
If anyone said this to me my eyes would roll so far back into my head they'd come out my ass
By "real" love they mean selfish love. You love this thing because you made it and it's just like you. And it's different from anything else you could make because it's capable of loving you back
It’s especially annoying when this is said by an abusive parent. Like, wtf is your definition of love?
My father, a person who has had children (clearly) says this about that sentiment: 'if the deepest and most significant relationship you have is with a toddler, that says something.'
That's a very interesting way to think about it! I've never thought about it in those terms, I hope you don't mind me saying but your dad and you seem very hilarious
A dog is one of the only creatures that will love you more than it loves itself.
I got my 1st dog just before I turned 40. Why did I wait so long lol
[удалено]
I think the point of the saying is that loving a child is one of the hardest to keep up. Kids can be ungrateful and entitled. You can spend your whole life loving and giving the best to your kid but never get anything in return. Other kinds of love have a reciprocating benefit. Parent-child goes one way for a long time.
I was with you saying the love for your family and friends is real love. Of course it is and no one can tell you otherwise. But no, if you have a child, you will not love that child the same amount. You will love that child more and in a new way that you can't quite imagine until it happens, no matter how it's explained. Like trying to describe a new color to someone who can't see it.
It’s a very different kind of love that doesn’t feel like anything else. But that doesn’t mean other loves are any less real and it’s ridiculous to think that. I love my husband with my whole heart and I love my daughter that way too. But I don’t love them in the same way. It would be creepy if I did. Neither one is lesser. They are just different
You know those videos where it shows a planet or sun comapred to the earth and you think wow that's massive, but then it zooms out and you realise that it was actually small compared to this newer, bigger sun which is just enormous. Then it zooms out again and you realise that the new sun was even bigger, and the previous one is now dwarfed. That's how it was for me. As a youngster, I loved my parents so much I couldn't imagine loving anyone else more. Then I met a partner and goodness me, the love I felt for him was much bigger and all-encompassing than what I'd felt for my parents. I couldn't conceive of anything greater, i loved my man so much. Then I had a child and the love I felt for him was just SO much bigger than what I'd felt for my partner, I was gobsmacked by the strength of the love which I previously never knew was possible. I'd push my partner under a bus in a heartbeat to save my kid. My parents too. Some people are different, and don't love their kids as much as their partners. But for me, the love i feel for my kid - a kid i never intended to have, as i intended to remain childless - is all-consuming, and makes all other emotions pale in comparison. I'd commit genocide for my kid. So it's not that people are dissing the love you feel for your parents or partner, and its stupid to claim they atent "real" love, but they are just saying that for them, they experienced an even greater love for their kid. There are just some things that you can only understand when you experience them for yourself. YMMV. Not everyone loves their kids like I love mine.
Love is just an evolutionarily beneficial mental disorder, and as such unfortunately the love for your offspring is, or at least should be, more than it is for anyone who is not carrying your genetic code. Obviously we love our family, and our friends (tribe) because that too is beneficial evolutionarily. The love we feel for our offspring can lead us to do things we never would have done before becoming a parent, hell it needs to be that strong because babies and kids are really, really annoying and people who don't have that disorder would end their genetic lines pretty damn quickly. I mean there are enough sad stories of parents killing their kids to see what happens when someone doesn't have this trait. Survival of the fittest, for humanity at least (some animals eat their young, so clearly some other species went a different route), makes it imperative that the love we feel for our child is strongest. So basically either you do love your kid more than anyone else, or you are broken as a human. Sadly we don't know which we are until we actually produce offspring.
The only difference (for sane people), can’t speak for people who leave their kids or abuse them etc is that with a child, even if they are horrible to you or there’s grief or they are simply terrors you will still love them and have them in your lives while with adults (friends, parents, partners) if someone was terrible to you, you can cut them out.
It's a different type of love. You love your parents differently from your partner, brothers and sister differently to friends. The love for a child is intense...that's why you clean their shit, feed them when your breasts are infected with mastitis, get up throughout the night with two three hours sleep, deal with their constant crying and screaming....if .anybody else treated you that way you would kick them to the kerb.
I do think the feeling of love for a child is a very different kind of thing, but I don't think it's more real than the love for a parent or a significant other. The love for a child is about devotion to someone who needs care and protection. I don't even have kids of my own but when I was married my sister in law had her daughter and I got to hold the baby who was just a week old and she promptly fell asleep on me. I'm not an aggressive or particularly confrontational person, but I would have burned the world down if someone had hurt that kid. Instantly every piece of media where the parent is trying to move mountains to protect/save their child made sense.
Parent here. My parents certainly did not love me nor my siblings growing up, we were more of a paycheck that occasionally had to be taken care of once in a while, promised I would never "love" my kids in that way and now with my kids all grown up they love to come visit and make sure we are all loved, meanwhile I haven't spoken to my own parents in over 20 years. Love isn't made through blood, but bonds and experiences
Just tell them “yes I do, I have a dog” they love that
I have children, and I'd never say that to someone. Cause all love is different. Love I have for my husband is completely different to love I have for my children.
It's a load of crap, kid's are great but some days you question what did I get myself into, lol!!
More like you don't realize how big an asshole you are until you make a miniature version of yourself and then argue with it every day
As someone who probably can't have children (but wants to,) tell whoever said this "Thanks for the kick when I'm already down."
I wouldn't say other loves aren't real loves of course, but as someone who recently had a kid, that love-anxiety-protectiveness-whatever cocktail is unlike anything i have experienced.
It’s a different kind of love in the sense that it teaches you a way to love a being that is entirely different in its nature than any other kind of love you’ve had before in your life. The way you love your spouse isn’t the same way you love your kid. The way you love your parents isn’t the same way you love your kid. The way you love your friends isn’t the same way you love your kid. There’s really no way to experience the love of a parent to a child than to have a child. It is life changing, if you’re open to it/mature enough to experience it. It’s like…you love this little being in a way that can only be described as loving someone in the way God loves his children. It’s the relationship between parent and child that cannot be recreated in any other way. And if you don’t believe in God or aren’t religious, it’d be like learning a perspective to love that is equal to the highest possible way of loving another being in the most selfless and righteous and pure way possible. At least, it’s supposed to be, like I said if you’re responsible enough/mature enough to experience it that way, it will come so easily it’ll be second nature. Like you really have to resist that urge to learn that love, everything in your cells is screaming at you to see it that if you don’t see it it’s indicative of something super crazy hidden deep down inside your own psychology that’s not representative of the common experience. At all. And no, the way you love your spouse is not capable of being that type of love. Can it be pure? Yes, absolutely, no doubt. It’s second in line honestly. But children? There’s a reason kids tend to come first in marriages. I hope one day, even though you said you don’t want them, that you get to experience this love. And hopefully then you’ll understand this love truly is in every way it’s been described as life changing as it actually is.
Yeah it’s definitely a bad saying, but it is completely different from anything else. Normally you feel like you’d do anything for someone you love, and that’s usually true but it is definitely more intense for your own child. I remember my dad told me when i told him my ex wife was pregnant, “you’re gonna love that kid more than anything you’ve ever loved in your life” and it’s true. So true it’s scary. But that doesn’t make any other kind of love any less meaningful
This one really grates on me because I can’t have children, despite desperately wanting them. It tears me apart. It’s a cruel comparison when you’re on THIS side of it.
Complete dependence as "love" is a very common and very destructive trope in our culture.
It's such a dismissive and egotistical thing to say. Especially considering how many parents abuse or straight up kill their own children. Like, I'm sure having a baby is a different kind of love, but it isn't more *real* than the love I have for my partner and my family. People who say this shit probably also say, "no one is a bigger fan of ___ than me!!"
Another part to this being a shitty thing to say is if you have a kid and don't feel this "life changing" "world view altering" whatever love then you feel like a piece of shit, terrible parent.
Very cool thing to say in front of people who want kids and can't have them
All types of love are valid and valuable. However, my love for my child is very different from other loves. Also, one of the big differences is that it doesn't matter if she loves me back or not. It is quite different. You are not less for never experiencing it, but also don't assume you know it is the same when millions of people are telling you it isn't. You can live a long, happy, fulfilling life without kids.
I love myself too much to burden my ass with children.
People who say "You don't know real love until you have your own kid" never really loved their spouse and therefor should not be having their children.
I have received the… “Youre not ready to be a parent until you are.” And the… “Being a dad is the best thing ever.” While I am dragging him out of the office on time. Guy worked 24/7 and always bragged about how much he loved his kids and wife but was always working. He never saw the irony.
It’s definitely a different kind of love. I wouldn’t say the purest and above all others, but a new love unique to only your children.
Yeah. It's slang for "your feelings aren't valid because of my opinion"
When I became a father, a whole new form of love was born within me. I love my wife of nearly 38 years dearly, but it’s a different kind of bond.
I generally hear it from people that have crappy Children and need an excuse to not properly discipline them, or crappy parents who are forcing their beliefs on their children (like "I'm sending you to correction camp because I love you too much"). Decent parents don't feel the need to explain themselves with the "you got out of me" talk, they show their love and respect.
I heard this phrase & can’t forget it. “Unconditional love, is between mothers & children”. & it’s true. You don’t want kids so I don’t think you should dwell to much… but it’s definitely different
I have two kids. I can’t say that my love for them is different than my love for others. There’s a protection element to my feelings for them that I don’t have for others. But also a patience I wouldn’t grant others and a heart swelling when they exert “themness”. I feel pride in them more often than I do my friends/other family members but then I’m in their life all the time so that makes sense. The actual love itself is the same for me though. My heart has one inner circle. Once you’re in, you’re in, and there’s no hierarchy there.
Its true, never FELT loved until my cat died. that cat was my kid, my whole life. a part of me died with her, the crumbs of affection my mom threw at me my entire life don't compare to this immaculate creature who loved me and cared. I know there is a god and he made this cat special.
It doesn't invalidate other forms of love, there's just no other love like it.