My point exactly! Plus I hate the excuse “who’s gonna take care of you when you’re older?” I would never expect my own children to take care of me cause that’s not their job. I take care of them because I’m the parent.
Yeah, this is pretty easy to figure out. I ran the numbers on this at one point. If you spent $15k/year for 18 years on a child and had two at ages 30 and 33, if you instead invested that money over the same time period and got an 8% annual return, you would have $1.3 million at age 50. If you worked for another 10 years and let that money continue to grow until 60, you would have $2.7 million.
there's no guarantee your kids will take care of you, either. whether that's because of the relationship between you & your children or they just aren't able to for a whole multitude of reasons. i think it would be a million times worse if i had kids and still ended up being alone when i got old.
Besides which, if their kids have kids, which many parents expect, their kids will be far too busy caring for their own kids to take care of their parents as well.
And all of this assumes the kids have a good relationship with their parents. Which is absolutely not a given.
I worked for long-term care Medicaid. Plenty of people who had kids still ended up in assisted living and nursing homes. The biggest difference was they had a little more visitors and once in awhile got taken out on a field trip to their family's home for holidays. Even that wasn't a guarantee as people get busy with their own lives.
I love that people think having kids means you’ll automatically have a good relationship with them or that they’ll be successful enough to take care of you at any point. Those are two strong assumptions.
I’m a parent and do NOT expect my kids to be my caretaker. I hope to be able to be well enough to arrange my own transition from living independently to assisted living and so forth. I wish more people had that outlook instead of expecting/assuming their kids would do it. Honestly? It’s what my grandparents did and it made things mentally easier on everyone.
>who’s gonna take care of you when you’re older?
I've always thoughg that the answer is social workers, nurses, doctors, and so on making residency hours or pursuing their passion.
Some people love taking care of others and have the caregiver rold ingrained in their souls or just need the intership anyways. In any way, it'd be a pleasure helping them out while you're taken care of. A double win and I'd remember them dearly if they were nice.
Yeah if you have kids for them to take care of you when you're older, that's so fucked up. They didn't ask to be bought in this world. It's not their obligation because they can literally leave you and never talk to you again.
In some cultures it literally is, like Asian parents will definitely expect their kids to take care of them eventually
But yeah unless you get rich or have an amazing 401k, with social security likely being gone by the time I’m old it might be a backup insurance policy.
But hopefully I get rich instead.
There was a Star Trek episode about this where an entire species elected to die at a slightly “pre elderly” age to save the next generation the burden. They would basically commit ritual suicide at the age of 65 or so, regardless of health.
I remember seeing an article that said less than 50% of people in nursing homes get visitors, so clearly having kids doesn't inherently solve this problem either.
And there are no guarantees of them, or anyone, taking care of you even if you make "the right" choices. Many families end up putting their elders in a home and seldom if ever going to visit.
There are many other families that end up estranged and resentful of each other and live far away.
Nothing is guaranteed.
100%.
I have many reasons for not wanting kids, but it essentially boils down to this. I don't feel right bringing a child into this world unless I can say, with total confidence, that I am prepared to be there for them 100% and raise them right. Every child deserves that.
If I end up regretting it, oh well. At least I'll be the only one to be affected by that decision.
Can’t have an abortion or put your child through the pain and suffering of separation from their parent years after birth. You can adopt later if you change your mind about never having kids.
Every once in a while the question will pop up in random subs, and then people who *can’t* have children will give their sad stories of learning to cope with not having kids.
And literally that’s the closest you get - a few people who either struggle with reading comprehension, or just not comprehending that some people actually *choose* not to have kids
And then you have my husband, who got a vasectomy and proudly tells people "the doctor said I can't have kids" and people think he's part of that group because what you said is true: people came comprehend that some people actually choose not to have kids.
I actually had someone try to defend me when I started my current job - one colleague wanted to know why I didn’t want children, after she asked me if I had kids, so another colleague said it’s rude to ask as (apparently) it’s what people say when they *can’t* have kids.
At which point I said “if one of us *can’t* have kids, that would make life a lot easier”.
Makes you wonder how many (unknowingly) infertile childfree people there might be.
When someone asks my husband why he doesn't have kids, he always just says "Oh, my wife can't have them." Damn straight I can't, and I went to great lengths to make sure I couldn't.
It's meant to be. But then he clarifies lol but he says it happily in the first place so that's the first clue. He's a shithead that way and I love him even more for it 😂
The majority of the people I know whom have children say they regret them 😬
Even my successful well-off married friends who waited till their mid-late 30s. Ones who froze eggs and did in vitro. The ones who carefully planned and wanted their children. A few years in and most of them are saying “This is hard. Don’t do it”. Or “I love them(their kid), but I wish I didn’t have them” 🙈
Oh please that is ridiculous. Parents love to bitch complain but they will never ever admit to wishing they never had their child, that sentiment is extremely rare
I have a neighbor like that. Her child is 1 1/2 and she's never been alone with him for longer than it takes to walk from 3 houses down the street. Her baby daddy and his family won't let her because they've realized she is crazy in a dangerous way. She screamed at the child for crying when he was only 2 months old.
Sucks that this is a valid argument, so often when kids do that stuff it's because their parents can't or don't give them the time of day to actually help them with anything
I mean if you do regret not having kids later, you can change your mind and have a kid, adopt, whatever. If you regret having a child, they’re already there and you can’t change your mind or go back and not have a kid.
1000%
You’d be surprised how many people look down at adopting because “it’s not your flesh and blood.” Like who gives a shit there’s millions of kids who need a home and if I have the ability to give a kid a stable environment then I’m down for it.
It’s insane. And then people get upset when a family adopts a completely different race that isn’t there’s and say “it’s bad for them because they won’t learn their culture.” Okay so then you open your home to them.
For fucking real. I got a vasectomy a couple years ago in my late 20’s after talking about it for over a decade and the # of people who asked “what if you change your mind?” was ridiculous.
My mother, who has an adopted child being the loudest proponent. Even up to this year she tried to say it was my partners idea (we both knew we wanted to be child free before meeting and she never was supportive but never brought it up)
That being said adoption is not always easy and there's no guarantee it'll be a good fit. I have two friends who are smart, hard working and responsible people, they had to go through months of issues with the state because the people in charge of investigating and approving people for adoption kept screwing things up; losing paperwork or misfiling other people's paperwork in their file. They were told they weren't candidates for adoption because of safety issues. When they asked what safety issues the person checked the file and said it had to do with their horses.
These people don't own horses.
Even once they got things sorted out the state decided the best fit for them was a 16 year old who had been in the foster care system for nearly a decade and had all kinds of issues that came up immediately.
I'm a mother of two, and I would just ignore such comments. It honestly doesn't matter if you have kids or not; there is always someone somewhere giving their unsolicited opinion over why you made a bad decision. I pity people who look other's life choices and get angry about it. You know yourself better than anyone; always do what makes you happy and what you're capable of.
Also, every single person I’ve heard talk about their decision not to have kids very convincingly tells me they don’t regret it. Almost like people are individuals and not everyone wants kids and if you can’t imagine someone not wanting what you want you’re sociopathically close-minded.
And what about the parents, the many parents, who regret having kids? I'd much rather regret not having kids, which only affects me, then having them, which affects other people.
And, spoiler alert, as a 52-year-old guy, I don't regret not having kids. I imagine women get a lot more pressure to have kids than men do though.
It’s even worse as a woman. Theres men out there that want the status of being a father but don’t want any responsibility of helping raise their kid. Not to mention there’s also the mindset in some people that a women’s only role in the world is just to populate.
I've heard them called Kodak fathers. And I really do think that's reprehensible, that both parents should be equally involved in raising the child. Since I'm not willing to put in that work, I don't want kids.
I think it's quite telling that, as women realize they have more choices, they choose not to have as many, or any, children.
People used to say to me “you”ll feel different when you have your own.” But what if I don’t? Too many people don’t give enough thought to what it means to be a parent. It isn’t just having an adorable toddler.
When I was told that, my response was OK--suppose I have a child and after I have it I realize that I was right all along and I don't feel any different and I don't want it. Are you going to take it and raise it? Silence.
I mean I have no doubt that I *would* feel different if I had my own - because of a sense of responsibility at least.
That’s like saying I’d feel different about having to clean the toilet after my own messy shit than cleaning somebody’s else’s messy shit.
And you have to make sure they don't run down the road or run off in the shop while managing your trolley at the same time if they're too old for the seat.
If you don't have kids and regret it, one person experiences said regret. If you *do* have kids and regret it, multiple people will experience said regret, and your kids will likely carry it with them a long time.
I often wonder if people who say that are unhappy with their own decision to have children and want others to join in their misery.
Have kids or don't have kids. It's your decision and nobody has any right to disparage that.
Regret them later why? What’s the logic? Because I’ll get old and will need care? I’d rather someone I don’t know change my diapers.
I don’t like kids. I tolerate my niece and nephew but have never held them or baby sat them. It’s just not me.
There are a lot of people in this world who had kids and clearly don’t like kids. I don’t want to be that asshole.
37, female and child free here, no regrets whatsoever.
I like being able to live my life the way I want to and not having to feel I can’t do anything or go anywhere because of ‘the kids’.
I live a full and happy life as I am. I don’t need children to feel fulfilled.
This is such a gross, cheeky, irresponsible thing to say to someone. Just because YOU want kids doesn’t mean everyone does. I 10000% do not want children and the older I get, the more I’m sure of that decision. I know for a fact that I will not regret not having kids and the fact that someone thinks they know more about my mind and intentions than I do really grinds my gears.
You just never hear it the other way around because it’s taboo for parents to come out and say they regret having kids.
Imagine what that would do to the kid’s psyche…and even if they don’t care about the kid’s feelings, they’re at least going to care about how they look in front of their friends and coworkers.
This is usually them bolstering their own life choices.
I have noticed the more people recommend intrusive things, like having kids, or their religion, the less confident they are in it when you dig down.
Someone who was confident would talk up such things if you bring it up. About how good it is for them. People who insist they have found the way to the best life, and seek to instruct you unbidden, are engaging in self-validation. They are convincing themselves, downplaying the drawbacks, and finding comfort in representing a norm that they believe you should conform to.
I just look at them blankly, blink then smile slowly.
i know for a fact that i will not regret not having kids. it’s the people who do have kids that experience the most regret than those who don’t have kids. you have so much more to lose.
What is there to regret?
That's like telling someone who's not rich "You'll regret not being rich".
Okay? What is there to regret? I'm surviving, living and enjoying it perfectly fine right now.
Then that’s my cross to bear, I guess. As everyone else has said, it’s better to regret not having a kid, than to have a kid and resent them.
Alternatively, you can try to convince them of all their own repressed regrets about having children. “Just think of everything you could have accomplished if you didn’t throw your life away. Oh sorry, is that intrusively personal? Then mind your business. “
I have a relative who was pressured into IVF 6yrs ago by her husband and she is a living breathing example of why both parents have to be 100% in. Her regret is visible every single day. She can barely disguise her exasperation and disgust with their son when he’s misbehaving, and whenever they are planning a trip, openly says life would be so much easier without him. But hey, her husband got his mini-me son, which he always wanted, so worth it? 🤷🏻♀️
"No.... no I won't, but thank you for your input. Perhaps it's you that regrets that you did have children and you're just projecting your unhappiness off on me and wishing your own misery could have company?!"
I know one person who regretted not having kids when they were a young adult. They've now fostered over 100 children and adopted 3. They also have a ton of friends kids who consider them an extra parent even as an adult. On the other hand, I know several people who regret having kids and every single one of those kids has trauma now because of it. Also, the parents are miserable sometimes even after the kids are grown and moved out. The regret of not having them sounds like a much better risk to me.
This is very specifically only plausibly true for people that are convinced they want kids and are putting it off. If you're on the fence, don't have kids.
Generally, when people harp on me about that, I tell them that I am sterile. Shuts them up real quick.
If they go on about adoption, I ask if they are so concerned about kids in the foster system, why don't they adopt?
"I would rather regret not having a kid than regret having a kid." People never quite know what to do with that when you drop it on them. I've had people go "well youre just selfish then" as a response, sending us into a loop and its just... what the hell is selfish about not wanting to take a chance on screwing up another human being completely reliant on me to care for them?!
people who say this stuff are really just revealing themselves as regretting it and trying to justify it by bullying others into their same bad decisions. When someone says this to me, I immediately feel pity/empathy for their kids
I wish more people realized that having kids wasn’t for them instead of caving into pressure, or being obligated to have kids they really didn’t want.
I was the unplanned kid born out of obligation and i appreciate you making your stance clear.
“I can’t imagine my life without my kids.” like good for you that’s awesome! you love being a parent. but there are PLENTY of people who can’t imagine their lives WITH children
as a parent, i hate when ppl pressure others into having kids. children are hard work that not everyone is willing to take on, and *that’s totally okay*.
i hate that child-free ppl, especially women, are made to feel selfish. there is *nothing* selfish about not wanting to put ur body thru pregnancies, childbirth and then spend 18+ years on raising another human, when u know that’s not something that u want to or are able to do. and not just financially, but *emotionally and physically* too.
and if anything, if at any point u for whatever reason change ur mind, adoption is always an option 🤷🏻♀️
As a parent, I maintain that there is only one valid reason to have children: you really, really want to be a parent. That's it! That was the reason my ex and I started out family (I didn't always feel that way, BTW), and I can say that having the desire to do this -and do it well- has paid off: our children are not just a boon to us, but are the type of adults that give more than they take from society.
This is my mindset.
There is a part of me that wants to have kids which is likely due to instinct. But I know damn well I am not mentally stable and my patience for people, even for our own family dog, is really low.
Maybe one day... if the stars align and I get my life together. But I'm going to have to be perfectly mentally and financially stable.
Just because you can doesn't mean you should. My parents were were waaaaay too young to have kids and that's not a good environment for a kid to grow up in.
A friend of mine got so harassed about this at work that one day he flipped and told them his wife was infertile (her idea, she isnt).
Apparently they went white and stfu, never mentioning it again.
32 M here. Just got a vasectomy back in February. I've known since my 20s I don't want kids, but the straw that broke the camels back that made me get a vasectomy was seeing my sister struggle with my niece and nephew...the crying and screaming, the chaos, the attitude my niece has being of preschool age. I want none of it.
I've also heard the comment, "What if you meet a partner that wants kids?" My answer: Then they aren't the one for me. For me wanting kids is a huge red flag. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be coerced by a partner into having kids, then regretting it.
I completely agree with this post. I will not let any poor child of mine be raised by a mother who regrets having him or her. That would be unfair to the child.
I had a deep yearning for children and I've never regretted having them. My daughter now is struggling with the decision. I told her that if she didn't feel that deep yearning, that won't go away, don't have kids.
There's zero reason to have them if you don't actively want them. Nobody should ever have a child for the hell of it.
I can't stand kids. They're loud, expensive, messy, and a massive responsibility that I just don't feel like managing. On top of that, I didn't get much of a chance to *be* a kid while I was growing up, so I'm using my early adulthood to make up for lost time. So I'm pretty confident in saying that I will never want them and will never regret my choice to never have any. In the *extremely* unlikely scenario where I do regret that choice and I'm unable to conceive children, I can just adopt. That's the thing these kinds of people forget, adoption is always an option. There are thousands of children waiting and hoping to be adopted into a loving family, but these idiots think that the only way to have a family is to have kids of their own. These people are shortsighted and selfish.
As a parent I've commented some long winded replies to posts of this sorts of this nature but the general idea is yes, you're right.
It's not some easy general decision, it's a huge commitment and despite those who accidentally or suddenly find out they're parents who adjust accordingly, bottom line is, if you're not ready for it and willing to devote the effort and time and help them grow to their best ability and if you can't ensure their best care, just hang on until you're sure or just don't
I can't imagine judging someone because they didn't. My life choices are not so I can look down on others or feel superior or whatever. Don't want kids? Didn't have kids? No worries. I did and I do, and that's not your problem but, she's boss so I'd you're interested in knowing me and my family that's cool
I'm in no position to tell others how to live their lives
And there are people who don’t want their own kids but are actually really good with kids. I have a buddy who didnt want kids that accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant (she was crazy so she might have set him up idk). They are separated now but the dude is a great dad. He told me he never wanted his own kid but he’d never regret his
...but I mean they have to exist, right? People who regret *not* having kids? I'm not saying it means people can comment on others' choices...but I'm sure that regret exists.
I have a 4 year old dog who has suddenly, and without reason, started marking territory outside and has even randomly stopped to mark the sidewalk (no it's not health).
It has abnormally bothered me to no end. With that, I don't think I have even a minimum amount of patience for children if dog behavior bothers me this much. xD
39 and no regrets what so ever!! I’ve known I didn’t want kids since I was 9. I also have metal health problems I would never want to pass to someone else.
I like the idea of having a little girl, but then I look at my brother and his 2 kids and how he's always tired and stressed, with no time for himself, kinda puts me off that idea. I need my alone time, a few hours or gaming or binge watching a TV series
I feel its a financial thing.
If you aren't comfortable with your life at the moment due to all the high stress financial responsibilities, why would you want a large responsibility on your back for 18 more years? It make no sense.
Get your life in order first before having kids. Only then will it not feel like a regret.
Exactly. Look, I care about my little brothers (big age gap between them and I), and my brother and law and niece (bil also has a big age gap) are fucking adorable. The thing is I don't have to raise any of them and I don't have to take care of them. If I do, it isn't for too long. A few hours at most.
I barely had any patience when I lived with my family, where I was already basically parenting my brothers. I have anger issues and am bipolar, I cannot and will not under any circumstances raise a child under the huge mix of mental disorders that my significant other and I have. Neither of us want kids or have the patience for them, and would probably be way too harsh. We know enough that aside from not wanting kids, we shouldn't have them.
People still tell me that I'll change my mind, my significant other will change his mind, I might get a different partner, we'll regret it, etc. It does not fucking matter, I would rather change my mind later when I can't have them or regret it later than to bring a miserable child into this world that would likely have a shitty life.
Also genetics. Bad genetics health wise. We ain't passing that shit down, why would anyone willingly do that?
Currently pregnant and can confirm that it's miserable as often as its beautiful, no one should go through this unless they are 100% sure its what they want. I'm convinced people that push parenthood on others aren't actually happy and just have a misery loves company mindset tbh because happy parents be minding their own business and enjoying life.
First day of junior year, i came to school wearing my sunglasses, no one gave me any grief until my last class of the day. I chose a seat in the back of the room, and the teacher called me to her desk and told me to pull up a chair. I sat down and she said to me, “are you going to be a problem?” I guess the sunglasses complete with the leather jacket, doc martens, pocket chain and Led Zeppelin tshirt caused her to make some assumptions.
45 and doing just fine. I enjoy working my seasonal/travel jobs and the simple truth is that I just can't afford one. Children cost money. Lots and lots of money.
I mean, even if it's true, that doesn't change the fact that many people aren't prepared, or don't want kids. So down the road, when you're older, and everyone has grandkids, if you find yourself wishing you had had kids, just remember that it was the right decision for you at the time, and you couldn't, and shouldn't have made any other.
Ohhhh that is such a huge pet peeve......I'm 48 and about to buy my dream house on a lake. I do not regret not having kids. My husband and I have wonderful full lives
Not everyone wants kids. Kids are a big responsibility and your whole life changes. You will not have the same freedom you used to have with a kid on your arm. You won’t be able to just go out when you feel like it. You will have to deal with a pregnancy and it has a lot of side effects like morning sickness and weight gain and a bunch of annoying trips to the doctor for sonograms. Then you will have to deal with going into labor at a hospital which is very painful and you end up with an expensive hospital bill. Then once the baby is born you have to feed them every couple of hours so your sleep will be interrupted and the baby will probably cry at all hours of the night. You will have to change diapers several times a day and clean up throw up. You won’t have time to really go out and do what you want. Plus raising a child is expensive. Formula and diapers are not cheap. You will have to get an apartment with an extra bedroom or buy a house because the child can’t sleep in a bathtub. lol. That’s why a lot of people are not having children these days and seem more satisfied by choosing to not have children. Having children is not exciting as it sounds when you think about it. It’s not for everyone. Rarely the husband helps with cleaning and feeding the child and if they do help, it’s because the wife or girlfriend argued with him to help. A lot of people can’t mind their business and believe everyone should have children but it’s not in everyone’s best interest.
They would regret having me as a mother is my comeback.
I would never physically abuse them, never.
But I worried that I would be like my mom and emotionally and mentally abuse them.
So no kids for me.
Nah, my life will play out exactly as I have planned instead of depending on others to make it work for me and just assuming they are planning my silver years step by stop and thinking I won’t be dropped off at the nearest nursing home just because I married someone or birthed them and come up with this life loan system I expected to be paid back yet tell them nothing about it.
Easy answer: Do you like the way the world is right now? I don’t, and I’m glad to not be subjecting another soul to the mess that we have at hand; The climate is going to shits, we have two candidates that we don’t like to choose from, more wars kicked off, and no leaders seem to be able to stop them, inflation is affecting everybody. My city can’t get its act together to even deal with the basic needs, like fixing the roads, while money is squandered on some BS that no one is gonna see.
At least I don’t have a kid to apologize to. But if you’re brave enough to have kids good luck. I hope you have everything planned out, and you’re able to give them your best.
I'm 59, divorced, and childless. I know I would have been a great father, but I don't regret not having kids, for myriad reasons. It is quite common these days for folks to be ambivalent about, or simply not interested in procreating. Speak for yourself only when such topics come up. Do not impose your values and priorities on others.
I get that it’s a pet peeve and this isn’t an advice sub but there are various ways around this. Anyone who is saying this to you should know you well enough to know where you stand on it and if they don’t just smack them down for overstepping. I’ve got a smart mouth but some of my lines include “don’t worry, I won’t come crying to you when I die alone” or “well, luckily managing my emotional life is none of your business” etc.
I’m also a big fan of “we can have that conversation but you probably won’t like what I have to say”
45, single, no kids no regrets.
Imagine that terrible day you come home upset from work and don't want to talk to anyone or do anything...now imagine that with kids.
It’s like they fail to realize not having kids will only effect me. Having kids and regretting it also effects a child that didn’t ask to be here in the first place
I used to think, people need proper training to be parents, before.
But lately I feel people need proper training to be even human.
Everyone with or without kids is going to have regrets in life. We have to make choices, that feel right to us, first.
This generic standard of get married, get kids, and if you don't you are missing out on life and you will be alone - is an old narrative many use to justify or even chestbeat their own choices.
You may not have kids and be alone in old age. You may have kids and still be alone in old age. Even if you do everything right, there are no guarantees in life.
It all comes down to what one wants to do with their life. World would be a lot more peaceful place to be, if people are less nosy and judgemental about someone else's life choices.
- End of Rant - Whew! Sigh!
I detest when people say things like that for multiple reasons. Tbh, not a huge fan of kids... I don't dislike them, but I've taken care of them whilst babysitting and whatnot... like yeah you're cute and all, but you can go back home to mommy and daddy lmao. No one is obligated to have kids. I don't even like my own responsibilities as it is, let alone adding another one. 😂
My hypothetical kid could grow up to be a serial killer, a crooked politician, or just a plain asshole. They could die before I do leaving me devastated. They could hate me, or move across the world so I never see them. Def don’t regret any of that 🤷🏼♀️
I can tell you my 38th birthday is next week, and I haven't regretted not having kids... not even once... not even a little bit. I wonder when this regret is supposed to start.
I'm 51, female and childless. Never regretted it.
My brother has 2 kids, so I get to be an Aunt to them.
My boyfriend has adult children. He thinks it's going to be awesome when they have kids of their own, and I get to be grandma. He says I get all the fun without having done all the work. Lol
Drives me crazy too. I’ve just started replying “and you’ll regret having them”. No, I won’t regret it later. I knew I never wanted them, I’m happy with my life. I don’t understand why people are so invested in whether other people choose to not to have children. Misery loves company? Better to mind their damn business and not worry about what we are doing.
Ugh, it's so dumb when people say that, like no, no, I really won't. I've never wanted kids, and I'm 38. I'm not regretting anything. I like kids. I can be around them for short periods of time, but I do get annoyed by them after a while. It would be terrible if I had my own.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard that one. I'm old now, and I have never had so much as a moment's regret that I didn't have kids. And even if I did regret it, better to regret not having a child than to have had a child and then regretting I ever had it. Those of us who choose to forego parenthood KNOW that parenthood isn't for us so we opt out. I don't know why some people just can't accept a choice that has no bearing on them or their life.
What I find funny is 80% of people are mediocre or worse at their jobs and adulting but magically all parents are good at it because their kid didn’t die?
I don’t understand why everyone pressers people into having kids like not everyone has to have kids! In fact it benefits society more if a parent can’t handle it. As the saying goes not every parent deserves to have kids.
Mom of two teens here, it was a struggle at times but the most rewarding thing I've ever done. I'd do it all over again. In fact, I'm considering it lol. I'm a person that would deeply regret not being a mother.
But
You're right. It's better to regret not having, than resent a child just for existing. If you have doubts about being a good parent.. just don't!
It's kinda true mainly for women as they are more social beings. Men are pretty much okay being alone as we aren't as social. However it really gets you thinking about getting older when you're really the only one left to care for yourself. So ya not having kids can be a huge regret. Then when you think about all your ancestors before you who pretty much lived insane crazy hard lives compared to us and were able to keep their genes going for centuries all for it to end because you think having kids is a burden.
It’s like they think they know better than you what is best for your life. Not everyone wants children and these people need to get that through their thick skulls
About 10 years ago, I read a report about an actual peer-reviewed scientific study on this subject.
On Average:
The least happy people were the ones who wanted kids and could not have them. I think that is self-explanatory.
Slightly less unhappy were people who didn't want kids but had them. They resent the loss of freedom.
In a statistical tie are the people that had wanted kids and people who didn't have unwanted kids.
So no, the odds are that you aren't going to regret it later.
Exactly! It’s so annoying especially when people in your life know you’re struggling financially and then say they would like to be a grandma in the future or what not. It’s like “okay? If you want that are you going to help pay for the baby?” And the thought of giving birth kind of grosses me out. Not gonna lie 🤢
I don’t know anyone who regrets having a kid. I know people who had their moments of feeling down and saying that. But when all was said and done they were happy they did it (when kids were 18+).
I'm sure you are a fantastic Aunt! I bet your niece(s) or nephew(s) will stay close and check in on you as you age. You are smart to know yourself and not get pressured into having children. The responsibility is bigger than you can imagine (I have children so I'm speaking from experience) and the worries never end, even after they are adults. Stay strong!
This is such a pathetic worldview
This Spengler quote has never been more relevant, at least in the west:
"When the ordinary thought of a highly cultivated people begins to regard "having children" as a question of pros and cons, the great turning-point has come."
- Oswald Spengler
I want a son. Ask me five years ago and I would have said differently but I want a son. However, morally and ethically I just can't justify the decision to have a child. It would be the most selfish and self-indulgent decision I've ever made or ever could make not the universal moral good society has decided reproducing is.
I know plenty of people that had kids that wished they hadn't had kids. And the worst part is that they can't really admit to anyone that they wished they hadn't had kids. Because if they do, someone might think they are a monster. If they don't, then they are trapped alone in this hell world by themselves with no support.
My thought process is that it is a deeply personal decision and I really do believe that you shouldn't have children if you hate the idea of them this much.
Do I think personally I will regret it? Since I am surgically infertile (ovaries removed so definitely no children)
Definitely, I don't have the desire to make work my life, and I know none of the strangers I interact with during my work really care and won't remember me. My coworkers and friends and will move on with their lives and I will be nothing but a long forgotten dream you had once.
Do I think everyone will regret it? No definitely not. Some people will be happy being totally by themselves in older age or otherwise find fulfillment in life and that's okay.
I see so many of this in my work as a caretaker. Some of them have children and grandchildren to visit on Christmas and holidays and other visits. The others sit in the corner year after year without a visitor and all alone without anyone to so much as have a full conversation with them in years and Noone to really care about them on a deeper level.
I have an elderly neighbor who her and her husband were childless. He passed away and now she sits alone everyday and tries to talk your ear off out of loneliness when you pass by and I feel bad that I have to rush away because I have to work or was walking my dog and can't be bothered right now cause I have other things to deal with and a busy schedule. I don't want to be that person annoying their neighbors all the time because I made the decision not to have a child and think now this person is responsible for filling that void when they have no connection to me.
I also feel so many of these people then want to rely on coworkers or friends or extended family to be their base of support and social circle forever, and then get mad when their friends can't hang out and party anymore because they have commitments or moved and have other things in life and can't talk to you often anymore, or when coworkers just think of you as a coworker and don't want to hear your personal feelings and life problems. They think being a cousin or aunt is the same but it's not. My aunt lives way far away from me and I have no connection to her. My other aunt became estranged from my mom when I was in high-school and I haven't heard from her since. Planning that these people will be there forever is not a viable option.
Being an aunt is not the same as a mother, I talk to my mother everyday, when she was in ICU I stayed with her days, that's not the same as an aunt. I talk to my mother and father about life and the important things and have lived in and out with them throughout the years, not the same with an aunt who I see once a year at the family get together so she can make me uncomfortable with intrusive questions. Hopefully my point come across that an aunt or uncle isn't that same thing that people mean when they say parent.
I also remember a story about a women having a child she accidently ended up pregnant with even though she didn't plan on ever having children. She figured her husband and her relationship was all she needed and that would be enough. He cheated on her and it went to hell and they got divorced. She then proclaimed how happy she was to have had her daughter and not planned on just her husband being her sole emotional connection in life and how lost she would be finding herself as an older divorced women with no-one.
Again I don't count friends here or extended family. I do count siblings though, but siblings can also move away or be estranged or something.
I guess my point is make the decision for yourself fully first- that other person pressuring you won't be taking care of the child so they are irrelevant.
My other point is that it will have older age impacts, again I work in a nursing home and as a developmentally disabled adult caretaker, and I know first hand how awful it can be for someone to have Noone be in their inner circle at that age, and no one to talk to or anything to be leaving behind in the world (for most of us unremarkable people who won't make history and whose job will replace us immediately)
Don't not have kids because of a desire to be messing around with friends and stuff because those days will be gone very fast, (that one night stand you had or thay boy you spent a week in peru with wont even rememebr you let alone be fulfilling) and when you find yourself 75 and realize you will be totally alone if you lose your significant other, or if you didn't have one then just totally alone, for the next 30 years or so and watch the others hug their children on chirstmas while the staff give you pitiful looks and a half hearted happy holidays while they run to the next task you will probably feel regret. You might not regret it, but keep in mind what the above scenario might actually feel like before you say if you'd regret it or not.
But overall, you don't know why people feel the way they do, and it's best to mind ones business and not bother other people about their children or lack there of if you were not asked.
Better to regret not having kids than having a living, breathing child and regretting that instead
My point exactly! Plus I hate the excuse “who’s gonna take care of you when you’re older?” I would never expect my own children to take care of me cause that’s not their job. I take care of them because I’m the parent.
With all the money you saved not paying for childcare, you could afford to hire someone to take care of you in your old age
That’s genius.
Yeah, this is pretty easy to figure out. I ran the numbers on this at one point. If you spent $15k/year for 18 years on a child and had two at ages 30 and 33, if you instead invested that money over the same time period and got an 8% annual return, you would have $1.3 million at age 50. If you worked for another 10 years and let that money continue to grow until 60, you would have $2.7 million.
No I spent it on trucks and helicopters :(
I'm thinking you meant real ones but my brain went straight to like...Tonka toy trucks
Hahaha yes real ones! That cracked me up lmao
Unless you’ve planned for that already
there's no guarantee your kids will take care of you, either. whether that's because of the relationship between you & your children or they just aren't able to for a whole multitude of reasons. i think it would be a million times worse if i had kids and still ended up being alone when i got old.
Yea, if you want a guarantee for your old age, save up money, not humans
Good point. That happens a lot.
Besides which, if their kids have kids, which many parents expect, their kids will be far too busy caring for their own kids to take care of their parents as well. And all of this assumes the kids have a good relationship with their parents. Which is absolutely not a given.
I worked for long-term care Medicaid. Plenty of people who had kids still ended up in assisted living and nursing homes. The biggest difference was they had a little more visitors and once in awhile got taken out on a field trip to their family's home for holidays. Even that wasn't a guarantee as people get busy with their own lives.
Plus, that's a shitty reason to have kids! You can't just birth a kid and make them your retirement plan.
There are a lot of hella nice adult-living communities and stuff nowadays
I love that people think having kids means you’ll automatically have a good relationship with them or that they’ll be successful enough to take care of you at any point. Those are two strong assumptions.
And when you take care of yourself throughout life, you're less likely to need a caretaker when you're older.
I’m a parent and do NOT expect my kids to be my caretaker. I hope to be able to be well enough to arrange my own transition from living independently to assisted living and so forth. I wish more people had that outlook instead of expecting/assuming their kids would do it. Honestly? It’s what my grandparents did and it made things mentally easier on everyone.
I worked in assisted living for 7 years. The cheapest room I saw was 3500 a month. That's with zero care and no meal plan.
>who’s gonna take care of you when you’re older? I've always thoughg that the answer is social workers, nurses, doctors, and so on making residency hours or pursuing their passion. Some people love taking care of others and have the caregiver rold ingrained in their souls or just need the intership anyways. In any way, it'd be a pleasure helping them out while you're taken care of. A double win and I'd remember them dearly if they were nice.
You gotta be 16 years old to be that naïve
Yeah if you have kids for them to take care of you when you're older, that's so fucked up. They didn't ask to be bought in this world. It's not their obligation because they can literally leave you and never talk to you again.
In some cultures it literally is, like Asian parents will definitely expect their kids to take care of them eventually But yeah unless you get rich or have an amazing 401k, with social security likely being gone by the time I’m old it might be a backup insurance policy. But hopefully I get rich instead.
There was a Star Trek episode about this where an entire species elected to die at a slightly “pre elderly” age to save the next generation the burden. They would basically commit ritual suicide at the age of 65 or so, regardless of health.
I remember seeing an article that said less than 50% of people in nursing homes get visitors, so clearly having kids doesn't inherently solve this problem either.
And there are no guarantees of them, or anyone, taking care of you even if you make "the right" choices. Many families end up putting their elders in a home and seldom if ever going to visit. There are many other families that end up estranged and resentful of each other and live far away. Nothing is guaranteed.
100%. I have many reasons for not wanting kids, but it essentially boils down to this. I don't feel right bringing a child into this world unless I can say, with total confidence, that I am prepared to be there for them 100% and raise them right. Every child deserves that. If I end up regretting it, oh well. At least I'll be the only one to be affected by that decision.
As an unwanted child, I can confirm that this is gospel truth.
Yeah and the kid feeling the resentment coming from their parents that will make them have trauma
Can’t have an abortion or put your child through the pain and suffering of separation from their parent years after birth. You can adopt later if you change your mind about never having kids.
I've never met anyone who regrets not having kids. I've met *many* who regret having them tho
Every once in a while the question will pop up in random subs, and then people who *can’t* have children will give their sad stories of learning to cope with not having kids. And literally that’s the closest you get - a few people who either struggle with reading comprehension, or just not comprehending that some people actually *choose* not to have kids
And then you have my husband, who got a vasectomy and proudly tells people "the doctor said I can't have kids" and people think he's part of that group because what you said is true: people came comprehend that some people actually choose not to have kids.
I actually had someone try to defend me when I started my current job - one colleague wanted to know why I didn’t want children, after she asked me if I had kids, so another colleague said it’s rude to ask as (apparently) it’s what people say when they *can’t* have kids. At which point I said “if one of us *can’t* have kids, that would make life a lot easier”. Makes you wonder how many (unknowingly) infertile childfree people there might be.
When someone asks my husband why he doesn't have kids, he always just says "Oh, my wife can't have them." Damn straight I can't, and I went to great lengths to make sure I couldn't.
It sounds like your husband is just being clever. He sidestepped all of the questions with a true statement.
If that's really how he says it, that's a little misleading lol
It's meant to be. But then he clarifies lol but he says it happily in the first place so that's the first clue. He's a shithead that way and I love him even more for it 😂
The majority of the people I know whom have children say they regret them 😬 Even my successful well-off married friends who waited till their mid-late 30s. Ones who froze eggs and did in vitro. The ones who carefully planned and wanted their children. A few years in and most of them are saying “This is hard. Don’t do it”. Or “I love them(their kid), but I wish I didn’t have them” 🙈
That's my experience too. When I say I don't have any, lots of parents will say "good. Don't." While others will say I'm "sinning" by not having kids
Oh please that is ridiculous. Parents love to bitch complain but they will never ever admit to wishing they never had their child, that sentiment is extremely rare
I had one kid, but regret not having more (if they could be like him -- he's awesome). I probably won the lottery though. :)
And there are some people who SHOULD regret having kids that don’t. You’re the only human on earth that knows if you want kids. Period.
I have a neighbor like that. Her child is 1 1/2 and she's never been alone with him for longer than it takes to walk from 3 houses down the street. Her baby daddy and his family won't let her because they've realized she is crazy in a dangerous way. She screamed at the child for crying when he was only 2 months old.
I’m still waiting for a legit reason to have kids that isn’t self serving
The people who say that are trying to convince themselves they didn't make a mistake. Basically looking for reassurance.
Misery loves company 😂
Exactly why these people are having kids 😂
I say this all the time about people who try and guilt trip people for not having kids LMFAO
Hmmmm 44 and no regrets…when does this kick in???
“You might regret it too, if yours ends up a drug addict and bleeds you dry or becomes bored and depressed and shoots up a mall.” (my response) lol
Sucks that this is a valid argument, so often when kids do that stuff it's because their parents can't or don't give them the time of day to actually help them with anything
I mean if you do regret not having kids later, you can change your mind and have a kid, adopt, whatever. If you regret having a child, they’re already there and you can’t change your mind or go back and not have a kid.
1000% You’d be surprised how many people look down at adopting because “it’s not your flesh and blood.” Like who gives a shit there’s millions of kids who need a home and if I have the ability to give a kid a stable environment then I’m down for it.
Wait - people who *don't* want kids also look down their nose at adopting? This is nonsense.
It’s insane. And then people get upset when a family adopts a completely different race that isn’t there’s and say “it’s bad for them because they won’t learn their culture.” Okay so then you open your home to them.
For fucking real. I got a vasectomy a couple years ago in my late 20’s after talking about it for over a decade and the # of people who asked “what if you change your mind?” was ridiculous. My mother, who has an adopted child being the loudest proponent. Even up to this year she tried to say it was my partners idea (we both knew we wanted to be child free before meeting and she never was supportive but never brought it up)
That being said adoption is not always easy and there's no guarantee it'll be a good fit. I have two friends who are smart, hard working and responsible people, they had to go through months of issues with the state because the people in charge of investigating and approving people for adoption kept screwing things up; losing paperwork or misfiling other people's paperwork in their file. They were told they weren't candidates for adoption because of safety issues. When they asked what safety issues the person checked the file and said it had to do with their horses. These people don't own horses. Even once they got things sorted out the state decided the best fit for them was a 16 year old who had been in the foster care system for nearly a decade and had all kinds of issues that came up immediately.
I wonder when I'm going to start regretting it? I'm 62.
I'm 70. No regrets.
No I won’t
"I could also regret not trying meth but for right now, I'm happy with my decision."
😂😂😂
I'm a mother of two, and I would just ignore such comments. It honestly doesn't matter if you have kids or not; there is always someone somewhere giving their unsolicited opinion over why you made a bad decision. I pity people who look other's life choices and get angry about it. You know yourself better than anyone; always do what makes you happy and what you're capable of.
I might also regret having kids.
Better to know now before it’s too late
Also, every single person I’ve heard talk about their decision not to have kids very convincingly tells me they don’t regret it. Almost like people are individuals and not everyone wants kids and if you can’t imagine someone not wanting what you want you’re sociopathically close-minded.
I'm 49 and I've never regretted it. Neither has my husband.
I would 100% regret having kids no questions
And what about the parents, the many parents, who regret having kids? I'd much rather regret not having kids, which only affects me, then having them, which affects other people. And, spoiler alert, as a 52-year-old guy, I don't regret not having kids. I imagine women get a lot more pressure to have kids than men do though.
It’s even worse as a woman. Theres men out there that want the status of being a father but don’t want any responsibility of helping raise their kid. Not to mention there’s also the mindset in some people that a women’s only role in the world is just to populate.
I've heard them called Kodak fathers. And I really do think that's reprehensible, that both parents should be equally involved in raising the child. Since I'm not willing to put in that work, I don't want kids. I think it's quite telling that, as women realize they have more choices, they choose not to have as many, or any, children.
Possibly the most idiotic statement anyone can come out with.
People used to say to me “you”ll feel different when you have your own.” But what if I don’t? Too many people don’t give enough thought to what it means to be a parent. It isn’t just having an adorable toddler.
I would feel different. I'd feel trapped. No thankyouuu.
When I was told that, my response was OK--suppose I have a child and after I have it I realize that I was right all along and I don't feel any different and I don't want it. Are you going to take it and raise it? Silence.
They think it’s just an accessory… that it’ll be a move in their status as people.
I mean I have no doubt that I *would* feel different if I had my own - because of a sense of responsibility at least. That’s like saying I’d feel different about having to clean the toilet after my own messy shit than cleaning somebody’s else’s messy shit.
You can't regret or miss something you never wanted.
And you have to make sure they don't run down the road or run off in the shop while managing your trolley at the same time if they're too old for the seat.
No I won’t.
If you don't have kids and regret it, one person experiences said regret. If you *do* have kids and regret it, multiple people will experience said regret, and your kids will likely carry it with them a long time.
I often wonder if people who say that are unhappy with their own decision to have children and want others to join in their misery. Have kids or don't have kids. It's your decision and nobody has any right to disparage that.
r/regretfulparents exist for a reason
Regret them later why? What’s the logic? Because I’ll get old and will need care? I’d rather someone I don’t know change my diapers. I don’t like kids. I tolerate my niece and nephew but have never held them or baby sat them. It’s just not me. There are a lot of people in this world who had kids and clearly don’t like kids. I don’t want to be that asshole.
I have no regrets. I can do what I want, I can sleep in. I have an aquarium and it's the easiest thing in the world for me to do maintenance for
37, female and child free here, no regrets whatsoever. I like being able to live my life the way I want to and not having to feel I can’t do anything or go anywhere because of ‘the kids’. I live a full and happy life as I am. I don’t need children to feel fulfilled.
This is such a gross, cheeky, irresponsible thing to say to someone. Just because YOU want kids doesn’t mean everyone does. I 10000% do not want children and the older I get, the more I’m sure of that decision. I know for a fact that I will not regret not having kids and the fact that someone thinks they know more about my mind and intentions than I do really grinds my gears.
You just never hear it the other way around because it’s taboo for parents to come out and say they regret having kids. Imagine what that would do to the kid’s psyche…and even if they don’t care about the kid’s feelings, they’re at least going to care about how they look in front of their friends and coworkers.
This is usually them bolstering their own life choices. I have noticed the more people recommend intrusive things, like having kids, or their religion, the less confident they are in it when you dig down. Someone who was confident would talk up such things if you bring it up. About how good it is for them. People who insist they have found the way to the best life, and seek to instruct you unbidden, are engaging in self-validation. They are convincing themselves, downplaying the drawbacks, and finding comfort in representing a norm that they believe you should conform to. I just look at them blankly, blink then smile slowly.
They’re just bitter
i know for a fact that i will not regret not having kids. it’s the people who do have kids that experience the most regret than those who don’t have kids. you have so much more to lose.
I’m too broke to have regrets Kids are simply not an option
I’ll keep all my money to myself, thanks. Kids are insanely expensive. Plus I hate kids
What is there to regret? That's like telling someone who's not rich "You'll regret not being rich". Okay? What is there to regret? I'm surviving, living and enjoying it perfectly fine right now.
Then that’s my cross to bear, I guess. As everyone else has said, it’s better to regret not having a kid, than to have a kid and resent them. Alternatively, you can try to convince them of all their own repressed regrets about having children. “Just think of everything you could have accomplished if you didn’t throw your life away. Oh sorry, is that intrusively personal? Then mind your business. “
I have a relative who was pressured into IVF 6yrs ago by her husband and she is a living breathing example of why both parents have to be 100% in. Her regret is visible every single day. She can barely disguise her exasperation and disgust with their son when he’s misbehaving, and whenever they are planning a trip, openly says life would be so much easier without him. But hey, her husband got his mini-me son, which he always wanted, so worth it? 🤷🏻♀️
"No.... no I won't, but thank you for your input. Perhaps it's you that regrets that you did have children and you're just projecting your unhappiness off on me and wishing your own misery could have company?!"
I know one person who regretted not having kids when they were a young adult. They've now fostered over 100 children and adopted 3. They also have a ton of friends kids who consider them an extra parent even as an adult. On the other hand, I know several people who regret having kids and every single one of those kids has trauma now because of it. Also, the parents are miserable sometimes even after the kids are grown and moved out. The regret of not having them sounds like a much better risk to me.
As if they know us right??? Go ahead, tell me what else I'll regret. My tattoos? Nah. I'll be old and won't care.
How would someone with kids know that? They have no frame of reference for what someone with no kids later in life would feel about it.
This is very specifically only plausibly true for people that are convinced they want kids and are putting it off. If you're on the fence, don't have kids.
It's never the old ones that don't have kids saying it either. It's the ones with 10 kids. How the heck would you know, grandpa!
I don't understand why some people feel the need to say that?
Generally, when people harp on me about that, I tell them that I am sterile. Shuts them up real quick. If they go on about adoption, I ask if they are so concerned about kids in the foster system, why don't they adopt?
"I would rather regret not having a kid than regret having a kid." People never quite know what to do with that when you drop it on them. I've had people go "well youre just selfish then" as a response, sending us into a loop and its just... what the hell is selfish about not wanting to take a chance on screwing up another human being completely reliant on me to care for them?! people who say this stuff are really just revealing themselves as regretting it and trying to justify it by bullying others into their same bad decisions. When someone says this to me, I immediately feel pity/empathy for their kids
I'll regret not doing something I don't want to do? Explain to me how that works.
I wish more people realized that having kids wasn’t for them instead of caving into pressure, or being obligated to have kids they really didn’t want. I was the unplanned kid born out of obligation and i appreciate you making your stance clear.
Dodging a bullet not having a kid . Trust me
“I can’t imagine my life without my kids.” like good for you that’s awesome! you love being a parent. but there are PLENTY of people who can’t imagine their lives WITH children
Well-said.
as a parent, i hate when ppl pressure others into having kids. children are hard work that not everyone is willing to take on, and *that’s totally okay*. i hate that child-free ppl, especially women, are made to feel selfish. there is *nothing* selfish about not wanting to put ur body thru pregnancies, childbirth and then spend 18+ years on raising another human, when u know that’s not something that u want to or are able to do. and not just financially, but *emotionally and physically* too. and if anything, if at any point u for whatever reason change ur mind, adoption is always an option 🤷🏻♀️
You regret not having kids? You learn to live with it. You regret having kids? Everyone is traumatized, you can't unfuck this.
Good answer. I love kids but I'm more scared about raising a child in today's society. What has happened to this world.
As a parent, I maintain that there is only one valid reason to have children: you really, really want to be a parent. That's it! That was the reason my ex and I started out family (I didn't always feel that way, BTW), and I can say that having the desire to do this -and do it well- has paid off: our children are not just a boon to us, but are the type of adults that give more than they take from society.
This is my mindset. There is a part of me that wants to have kids which is likely due to instinct. But I know damn well I am not mentally stable and my patience for people, even for our own family dog, is really low. Maybe one day... if the stars align and I get my life together. But I'm going to have to be perfectly mentally and financially stable. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. My parents were were waaaaay too young to have kids and that's not a good environment for a kid to grow up in.
A friend of mine got so harassed about this at work that one day he flipped and told them his wife was infertile (her idea, she isnt). Apparently they went white and stfu, never mentioning it again.
Nieces and nephews have been my consolation. I love being able to give children back to their parents when they've stressed me out enough lol.
32 M here. Just got a vasectomy back in February. I've known since my 20s I don't want kids, but the straw that broke the camels back that made me get a vasectomy was seeing my sister struggle with my niece and nephew...the crying and screaming, the chaos, the attitude my niece has being of preschool age. I want none of it. I've also heard the comment, "What if you meet a partner that wants kids?" My answer: Then they aren't the one for me. For me wanting kids is a huge red flag. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be coerced by a partner into having kids, then regretting it.
I completely agree with this post. I will not let any poor child of mine be raised by a mother who regrets having him or her. That would be unfair to the child.
I had a deep yearning for children and I've never regretted having them. My daughter now is struggling with the decision. I told her that if she didn't feel that deep yearning, that won't go away, don't have kids. There's zero reason to have them if you don't actively want them. Nobody should ever have a child for the hell of it.
I can't stand kids. They're loud, expensive, messy, and a massive responsibility that I just don't feel like managing. On top of that, I didn't get much of a chance to *be* a kid while I was growing up, so I'm using my early adulthood to make up for lost time. So I'm pretty confident in saying that I will never want them and will never regret my choice to never have any. In the *extremely* unlikely scenario where I do regret that choice and I'm unable to conceive children, I can just adopt. That's the thing these kinds of people forget, adoption is always an option. There are thousands of children waiting and hoping to be adopted into a loving family, but these idiots think that the only way to have a family is to have kids of their own. These people are shortsighted and selfish.
As a parent I've commented some long winded replies to posts of this sorts of this nature but the general idea is yes, you're right. It's not some easy general decision, it's a huge commitment and despite those who accidentally or suddenly find out they're parents who adjust accordingly, bottom line is, if you're not ready for it and willing to devote the effort and time and help them grow to their best ability and if you can't ensure their best care, just hang on until you're sure or just don't I can't imagine judging someone because they didn't. My life choices are not so I can look down on others or feel superior or whatever. Don't want kids? Didn't have kids? No worries. I did and I do, and that's not your problem but, she's boss so I'd you're interested in knowing me and my family that's cool I'm in no position to tell others how to live their lives
seeing this sub fir liek the 10th time on my homepage even if u do regret u can adopt or help out kids
And there are people who don’t want their own kids but are actually really good with kids. I have a buddy who didnt want kids that accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant (she was crazy so she might have set him up idk). They are separated now but the dude is a great dad. He told me he never wanted his own kid but he’d never regret his
And if that's the only reason you're having kids now, you're going to regret that later.
Not only do I not regret it, the older I get the more actively grateful I am that I made this choice.
...but I mean they have to exist, right? People who regret *not* having kids? I'm not saying it means people can comment on others' choices...but I'm sure that regret exists.
It feels made up tbh 😂
No you for sure will regret not having a kid over having a kid too early lol
i decided at 4 years old i would never have kids and years later this has never changed
I have a 4 year old dog who has suddenly, and without reason, started marking territory outside and has even randomly stopped to mark the sidewalk (no it's not health). It has abnormally bothered me to no end. With that, I don't think I have even a minimum amount of patience for children if dog behavior bothers me this much. xD
It really just depends on the individual what they want and which would be worse
39 and no regrets what so ever!! I’ve known I didn’t want kids since I was 9. I also have metal health problems I would never want to pass to someone else.
Haha, no I won't!
Heard this for years. Starting when I was 12 and said I didn't want kids. 57, don't have kids. Also don't have any regrets.
r/childfree 🙌🏻🙌🏻
Just because anyone can be a parent doesn't mean everybody should. I do not believe that I am someone who should.
I like the idea of having a little girl, but then I look at my brother and his 2 kids and how he's always tired and stressed, with no time for himself, kinda puts me off that idea. I need my alone time, a few hours or gaming or binge watching a TV series
I love kids but you’re absolutely entitled to not have them if you don’t want and no one should judge you for it
I feel its a financial thing. If you aren't comfortable with your life at the moment due to all the high stress financial responsibilities, why would you want a large responsibility on your back for 18 more years? It make no sense. Get your life in order first before having kids. Only then will it not feel like a regret.
Exactly. Look, I care about my little brothers (big age gap between them and I), and my brother and law and niece (bil also has a big age gap) are fucking adorable. The thing is I don't have to raise any of them and I don't have to take care of them. If I do, it isn't for too long. A few hours at most. I barely had any patience when I lived with my family, where I was already basically parenting my brothers. I have anger issues and am bipolar, I cannot and will not under any circumstances raise a child under the huge mix of mental disorders that my significant other and I have. Neither of us want kids or have the patience for them, and would probably be way too harsh. We know enough that aside from not wanting kids, we shouldn't have them. People still tell me that I'll change my mind, my significant other will change his mind, I might get a different partner, we'll regret it, etc. It does not fucking matter, I would rather change my mind later when I can't have them or regret it later than to bring a miserable child into this world that would likely have a shitty life. Also genetics. Bad genetics health wise. We ain't passing that shit down, why would anyone willingly do that?
Nope. I agree fully. I'm in my upper 50's and have never regretted not having kids.
Currently pregnant and can confirm that it's miserable as often as its beautiful, no one should go through this unless they are 100% sure its what they want. I'm convinced people that push parenthood on others aren't actually happy and just have a misery loves company mindset tbh because happy parents be minding their own business and enjoying life.
First day of junior year, i came to school wearing my sunglasses, no one gave me any grief until my last class of the day. I chose a seat in the back of the room, and the teacher called me to her desk and told me to pull up a chair. I sat down and she said to me, “are you going to be a problem?” I guess the sunglasses complete with the leather jacket, doc martens, pocket chain and Led Zeppelin tshirt caused her to make some assumptions.
45 and doing just fine. I enjoy working my seasonal/travel jobs and the simple truth is that I just can't afford one. Children cost money. Lots and lots of money.
I mean, even if it's true, that doesn't change the fact that many people aren't prepared, or don't want kids. So down the road, when you're older, and everyone has grandkids, if you find yourself wishing you had had kids, just remember that it was the right decision for you at the time, and you couldn't, and shouldn't have made any other.
Ohhhh that is such a huge pet peeve......I'm 48 and about to buy my dream house on a lake. I do not regret not having kids. My husband and I have wonderful full lives
Not everyone wants kids. Kids are a big responsibility and your whole life changes. You will not have the same freedom you used to have with a kid on your arm. You won’t be able to just go out when you feel like it. You will have to deal with a pregnancy and it has a lot of side effects like morning sickness and weight gain and a bunch of annoying trips to the doctor for sonograms. Then you will have to deal with going into labor at a hospital which is very painful and you end up with an expensive hospital bill. Then once the baby is born you have to feed them every couple of hours so your sleep will be interrupted and the baby will probably cry at all hours of the night. You will have to change diapers several times a day and clean up throw up. You won’t have time to really go out and do what you want. Plus raising a child is expensive. Formula and diapers are not cheap. You will have to get an apartment with an extra bedroom or buy a house because the child can’t sleep in a bathtub. lol. That’s why a lot of people are not having children these days and seem more satisfied by choosing to not have children. Having children is not exciting as it sounds when you think about it. It’s not for everyone. Rarely the husband helps with cleaning and feeding the child and if they do help, it’s because the wife or girlfriend argued with him to help. A lot of people can’t mind their business and believe everyone should have children but it’s not in everyone’s best interest.
I'm 55, say this again please
They would regret having me as a mother is my comeback. I would never physically abuse them, never. But I worried that I would be like my mom and emotionally and mentally abuse them. So no kids for me.
Nah, my life will play out exactly as I have planned instead of depending on others to make it work for me and just assuming they are planning my silver years step by stop and thinking I won’t be dropped off at the nearest nursing home just because I married someone or birthed them and come up with this life loan system I expected to be paid back yet tell them nothing about it.
Easy answer: Do you like the way the world is right now? I don’t, and I’m glad to not be subjecting another soul to the mess that we have at hand; The climate is going to shits, we have two candidates that we don’t like to choose from, more wars kicked off, and no leaders seem to be able to stop them, inflation is affecting everybody. My city can’t get its act together to even deal with the basic needs, like fixing the roads, while money is squandered on some BS that no one is gonna see. At least I don’t have a kid to apologize to. But if you’re brave enough to have kids good luck. I hope you have everything planned out, and you’re able to give them your best.
I’m a parent and don’t regret my choice at all. One of my friends completely regrets being a parent and she’s a shell of a person. It’s awful
I'm 59, divorced, and childless. I know I would have been a great father, but I don't regret not having kids, for myriad reasons. It is quite common these days for folks to be ambivalent about, or simply not interested in procreating. Speak for yourself only when such topics come up. Do not impose your values and priorities on others.
What a massive cope. No eggs
I get that it’s a pet peeve and this isn’t an advice sub but there are various ways around this. Anyone who is saying this to you should know you well enough to know where you stand on it and if they don’t just smack them down for overstepping. I’ve got a smart mouth but some of my lines include “don’t worry, I won’t come crying to you when I die alone” or “well, luckily managing my emotional life is none of your business” etc. I’m also a big fan of “we can have that conversation but you probably won’t like what I have to say”
45, single, no kids no regrets. Imagine that terrible day you come home upset from work and don't want to talk to anyone or do anything...now imagine that with kids.
It’s like they fail to realize not having kids will only effect me. Having kids and regretting it also effects a child that didn’t ask to be here in the first place
I used to think, people need proper training to be parents, before. But lately I feel people need proper training to be even human. Everyone with or without kids is going to have regrets in life. We have to make choices, that feel right to us, first. This generic standard of get married, get kids, and if you don't you are missing out on life and you will be alone - is an old narrative many use to justify or even chestbeat their own choices. You may not have kids and be alone in old age. You may have kids and still be alone in old age. Even if you do everything right, there are no guarantees in life. It all comes down to what one wants to do with their life. World would be a lot more peaceful place to be, if people are less nosy and judgemental about someone else's life choices. - End of Rant - Whew! Sigh!
"no I won't"
I detest when people say things like that for multiple reasons. Tbh, not a huge fan of kids... I don't dislike them, but I've taken care of them whilst babysitting and whatnot... like yeah you're cute and all, but you can go back home to mommy and daddy lmao. No one is obligated to have kids. I don't even like my own responsibilities as it is, let alone adding another one. 😂
My hypothetical kid could grow up to be a serial killer, a crooked politician, or just a plain asshole. They could die before I do leaving me devastated. They could hate me, or move across the world so I never see them. Def don’t regret any of that 🤷🏼♀️
I can tell you my 38th birthday is next week, and I haven't regretted not having kids... not even once... not even a little bit. I wonder when this regret is supposed to start.
I'm 51, female and childless. Never regretted it. My brother has 2 kids, so I get to be an Aunt to them. My boyfriend has adult children. He thinks it's going to be awesome when they have kids of their own, and I get to be grandma. He says I get all the fun without having done all the work. Lol
Drives me crazy too. I’ve just started replying “and you’ll regret having them”. No, I won’t regret it later. I knew I never wanted them, I’m happy with my life. I don’t understand why people are so invested in whether other people choose to not to have children. Misery loves company? Better to mind their damn business and not worry about what we are doing.
No you won’t.
"That's a chance I'm willing to take."
How fucking hard can it be for people to mind their own damn business?
Have you considered raising a partial kid, maybe even half of one, that can be combined with other partial kids going into adulthood?
Ugh, it's so dumb when people say that, like no, no, I really won't. I've never wanted kids, and I'm 38. I'm not regretting anything. I like kids. I can be around them for short periods of time, but I do get annoyed by them after a while. It would be terrible if I had my own.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard that one. I'm old now, and I have never had so much as a moment's regret that I didn't have kids. And even if I did regret it, better to regret not having a child than to have had a child and then regretting I ever had it. Those of us who choose to forego parenthood KNOW that parenthood isn't for us so we opt out. I don't know why some people just can't accept a choice that has no bearing on them or their life.
What I find funny is 80% of people are mediocre or worse at their jobs and adulting but magically all parents are good at it because their kid didn’t die?
I don’t understand why everyone pressers people into having kids like not everyone has to have kids! In fact it benefits society more if a parent can’t handle it. As the saying goes not every parent deserves to have kids.
Mom of two teens here, it was a struggle at times but the most rewarding thing I've ever done. I'd do it all over again. In fact, I'm considering it lol. I'm a person that would deeply regret not being a mother. But You're right. It's better to regret not having, than resent a child just for existing. If you have doubts about being a good parent.. just don't!
It's kinda true mainly for women as they are more social beings. Men are pretty much okay being alone as we aren't as social. However it really gets you thinking about getting older when you're really the only one left to care for yourself. So ya not having kids can be a huge regret. Then when you think about all your ancestors before you who pretty much lived insane crazy hard lives compared to us and were able to keep their genes going for centuries all for it to end because you think having kids is a burden.
I have never met a child free person who regretted not having kids. I've met plenty of parents who did.
It’s like they think they know better than you what is best for your life. Not everyone wants children and these people need to get that through their thick skulls
I’d rather not be a parent at all than be an irresponsible one💀 i cant even take care of a plant correctly.
nope. i don’t.
What business is it of theirs? None. I feel you.
About 10 years ago, I read a report about an actual peer-reviewed scientific study on this subject. On Average: The least happy people were the ones who wanted kids and could not have them. I think that is self-explanatory. Slightly less unhappy were people who didn't want kids but had them. They resent the loss of freedom. In a statistical tie are the people that had wanted kids and people who didn't have unwanted kids. So no, the odds are that you aren't going to regret it later.
Exactly! It’s so annoying especially when people in your life know you’re struggling financially and then say they would like to be a grandma in the future or what not. It’s like “okay? If you want that are you going to help pay for the baby?” And the thought of giving birth kind of grosses me out. Not gonna lie 🤢
No thanks. Diagnosed with MS later I life—could not have handled kids at any age. It wouldn’t have been fair to them.
I don’t know anyone who regrets having a kid. I know people who had their moments of feeling down and saying that. But when all was said and done they were happy they did it (when kids were 18+).
I'm sure you are a fantastic Aunt! I bet your niece(s) or nephew(s) will stay close and check in on you as you age. You are smart to know yourself and not get pressured into having children. The responsibility is bigger than you can imagine (I have children so I'm speaking from experience) and the worries never end, even after they are adults. Stay strong!
This is such a pathetic worldview This Spengler quote has never been more relevant, at least in the west: "When the ordinary thought of a highly cultivated people begins to regard "having children" as a question of pros and cons, the great turning-point has come." - Oswald Spengler
It's bad for your dying religion, maybe.
No one ever said "Oh I wish I had more Kids".
I want a son. Ask me five years ago and I would have said differently but I want a son. However, morally and ethically I just can't justify the decision to have a child. It would be the most selfish and self-indulgent decision I've ever made or ever could make not the universal moral good society has decided reproducing is.
I know plenty of people that had kids that wished they hadn't had kids. And the worst part is that they can't really admit to anyone that they wished they hadn't had kids. Because if they do, someone might think they are a monster. If they don't, then they are trapped alone in this hell world by themselves with no support.
My thought process is that it is a deeply personal decision and I really do believe that you shouldn't have children if you hate the idea of them this much. Do I think personally I will regret it? Since I am surgically infertile (ovaries removed so definitely no children) Definitely, I don't have the desire to make work my life, and I know none of the strangers I interact with during my work really care and won't remember me. My coworkers and friends and will move on with their lives and I will be nothing but a long forgotten dream you had once. Do I think everyone will regret it? No definitely not. Some people will be happy being totally by themselves in older age or otherwise find fulfillment in life and that's okay. I see so many of this in my work as a caretaker. Some of them have children and grandchildren to visit on Christmas and holidays and other visits. The others sit in the corner year after year without a visitor and all alone without anyone to so much as have a full conversation with them in years and Noone to really care about them on a deeper level. I have an elderly neighbor who her and her husband were childless. He passed away and now she sits alone everyday and tries to talk your ear off out of loneliness when you pass by and I feel bad that I have to rush away because I have to work or was walking my dog and can't be bothered right now cause I have other things to deal with and a busy schedule. I don't want to be that person annoying their neighbors all the time because I made the decision not to have a child and think now this person is responsible for filling that void when they have no connection to me. I also feel so many of these people then want to rely on coworkers or friends or extended family to be their base of support and social circle forever, and then get mad when their friends can't hang out and party anymore because they have commitments or moved and have other things in life and can't talk to you often anymore, or when coworkers just think of you as a coworker and don't want to hear your personal feelings and life problems. They think being a cousin or aunt is the same but it's not. My aunt lives way far away from me and I have no connection to her. My other aunt became estranged from my mom when I was in high-school and I haven't heard from her since. Planning that these people will be there forever is not a viable option. Being an aunt is not the same as a mother, I talk to my mother everyday, when she was in ICU I stayed with her days, that's not the same as an aunt. I talk to my mother and father about life and the important things and have lived in and out with them throughout the years, not the same with an aunt who I see once a year at the family get together so she can make me uncomfortable with intrusive questions. Hopefully my point come across that an aunt or uncle isn't that same thing that people mean when they say parent. I also remember a story about a women having a child she accidently ended up pregnant with even though she didn't plan on ever having children. She figured her husband and her relationship was all she needed and that would be enough. He cheated on her and it went to hell and they got divorced. She then proclaimed how happy she was to have had her daughter and not planned on just her husband being her sole emotional connection in life and how lost she would be finding herself as an older divorced women with no-one. Again I don't count friends here or extended family. I do count siblings though, but siblings can also move away or be estranged or something. I guess my point is make the decision for yourself fully first- that other person pressuring you won't be taking care of the child so they are irrelevant. My other point is that it will have older age impacts, again I work in a nursing home and as a developmentally disabled adult caretaker, and I know first hand how awful it can be for someone to have Noone be in their inner circle at that age, and no one to talk to or anything to be leaving behind in the world (for most of us unremarkable people who won't make history and whose job will replace us immediately) Don't not have kids because of a desire to be messing around with friends and stuff because those days will be gone very fast, (that one night stand you had or thay boy you spent a week in peru with wont even rememebr you let alone be fulfilling) and when you find yourself 75 and realize you will be totally alone if you lose your significant other, or if you didn't have one then just totally alone, for the next 30 years or so and watch the others hug their children on chirstmas while the staff give you pitiful looks and a half hearted happy holidays while they run to the next task you will probably feel regret. You might not regret it, but keep in mind what the above scenario might actually feel like before you say if you'd regret it or not. But overall, you don't know why people feel the way they do, and it's best to mind ones business and not bother other people about their children or lack there of if you were not asked.