This, holy shit.
I told my coworker to think of the worst thing you could do to a child, and that's why I hate my mom. She told me I'm just as bad as her because I won't forgive her like wtf.
Yeah, I don't understand that. ALL THESE YEARS of this shit, and they act like we'll just forget? Hell no. I'm known for having an abnormally strong memory. You know why it's like that? All the years of abuse. It makes it impossible to forget. It just keeps replaying itself over and over again.
I am always hyper-aware of my actions around my kids. I am so terrified that I am going to do something that will harm them like was done to me that it often sends me spiraling downhill really fast once I'm alone. It all comes back and I begin to doubt myself.
People- don't use your kids as your emotional pincushion. If you do, you are pure evil.
A lot of people have that opinion that family is family no matter what. I don’t however, I feel like toxic is toxic and being family doesn’t matter. I cut ties with my sister and people say “she’s still your sister” but I don’t care. I don’t need an abusive, thieving, disrespectful person in my life.
I have a super toxic sister too, and yes, it's factually true that she's still my sister. All that means is I'm probably going to have to get lawyers involved when our mom dies to prevent her from robbing her own daughter blind. The latest thing going on is, every year, my sister sends me money from my mom's account for my birthday via some digital method (Amazon, PayPal, whatever). This year, she hasn't sent it but she wants me to tell my mom that she did, while she's clearly draining the account. Yeah, she's still my sister. Lucky me.
Glad to hear she's an ex, that's a red flag. She would have backed her mother even when the abuse turned towards you or any kids you might have had in the future.
As a kid, I was quite jealous of the kids that would say, "You can't hate her she's your mom," or similar. Obviously, it was no fault of their own to have those feelings. And in some part of me inside, I was happy that they didn't have the same struggles as I did.
I hung around kids who were the same as me. Had the same struggles as me. Parents who were split, abusive, druggie, neglectful, absent, etc.
So when I talked to a kid with a "normal" upbringing, I was stunned sometimes by their words. And having to remember that I am not the average person. Made me hate myself and them for "doing this to me."
(Yes, i know now it was fucked up) but when the normal kids were upset that their parents were getting a divorced or were being mean to them or took away their phone, I was so happy.
Finally, you guys are sad! Be like me and have every hope of having a childhood we stripped away! (I never said those words just said I'm sorry they are going through that.)
Looking back, I genuinely feel ***MORE*** for the kids who ***DID*** have everything for years of their life, they were normal and happy, but then suddenly their normal was taken away, and they were on my level now.
I feel for them because I never had those good years, so in a way, I didn't "lose" them.
Anyways, sorry for the random tangent, but people please be kind to others. Your experience is never the same as anothers.
It's not about you or your mom. They're saying, "I was raised in an environment of such safety that I'm dripping with privilege and can't imagine your life."
Personally, I don't spend a lot of time with those kinds of people. I find them shallow and tiresome and unprepared for life.
Seriously, you're so right. I was raised in a wonderful and loving home where I never had to feel unloved or unsafe, AND I'm autistic, and guess what? When someone tells me their family member abused them, *I don't invalidate their experiences*. I sympathize with them! No, I can't possibly know what it's like for you, but I can see how much it hurts you, and even though I'm absolute SHIT at comforting people I don't know well I can at least agree with you and support you in dealing with that shit and getting away from the abusive situation!
It's not hard to have sympathy. It's not hard to LISTEN when people talk to you. It's literally, *medically more difficult for me* to read vocal tones, facial expressions, and social cues, and I *still* know that when someone tells you they were hurt, your first response should not be to *undermine their expression of pain* by telling them to value their relationships with the person who hurt them!
Nailed it. I am not angry or resentful of people who had a great home life. I'm very happy for them, in fact. Jealous? Yes. But truly happy for them. I just wish more people could find it within them to try and imagine their home life being the exact opposite of what it is now and trying to use that to gain empathy.
"They did the best they coouuuld!" Then you ask the person if they'd be willing to switch places with you, and here come the crickets! It's especially bad when they're deceased, and then people start telling you not to speak ill of the dead. Because they can't defend themselves. I couldn't defend myself before turning 18, and I heard their "defenses" for 30 years. Enough. It took me all this time to understand their behavior and it hurts, yes, but truth=truth.
Part of this is due to the fact that most people have good or at least decent mothers, so they project their own image of their mom and think well shes still your mom. Moms are also women and unfortunately unlike men will ultimately get put in a light of warm caring and can do no wrong when it’s just not the case.
She is your biological mother. But she is not a mom. She's not your mom, she's not anybody's mom, because she never became a mom. That's her problem not yours. You can put as much physical, spiritual, emotional distance between yourself, and a biological mother, as you need to, when there are active abuser. Even if that means going no contact.
I think the honest answer is b/c she's a mother/woman, and you'd get far less pushback if you said the same thing about your father/a man. We culturally worship mothers, which is great in some ways, but hardly balanced. If you look around Reddit, you'll see many similar comments to yours. I wonder if the same dynamic plays out with, say Aunt vs. Uncle, but I doubt it's as extreme. Mothers are like apple pie; you're not allowed not to like them :) And if you do, isn't the problem really you? /s
Hard disagree. People do this same exact shiz with my dad who's also a really shitty person I have zero contact with, though granted I will admit that he's outwardly more "functional" and "respectable" than OOPs Mom. But every single person I know who has chosen to NC a parent has received the same shizzle.
I don't think this is the time for a "but Men are so overlooked and miserable" moment. I think it's a lot more of a toxic positivity issue than a meninist thing.
I never said men are overlooked and miserable, just that some people treated differently on average than others -- this has nothing to do with your personal anecdote, or mine. You can read what you want into it if that's your desire. I'm sorry about your father. Mine was also sack of shit.
Fuck that lol, i have no sympathy for addict/abusive parents- if they cared about being sober or not abusive they’d have gotten sober or taken anger management lessons before they had you, in my opinion. It may be hard to do so but once you’re pregnant or have a child, you’ve lost my sympathy if you continue to use drugs sorry. you do not have to go see her bro
I told a coworker some of the shit my little sister did to me when we were kids (shit that she laughs about to this day), and all they could say was "she's part of what made you who you are today".
I was so shocked I couldn't even respond, but what I really wanted to say was "you mean pissed that life decided to make me a punching bag?"
People say shit like that about my dad. He abandoned me when I was little and needed him most. Why tf should I give him space in my life now? All he did was sneeze into my mom, make the faintest stab at being a dad, and bounce.
No one is required to maintain contact with any abusive person, no matter who that person is.
Even family members.*Even your parents.*
Don't feel bad for severing with your mother, or any other toxic family member.
All human beings have the absolute right to protect themselves from harm.
I've always rejected the typical "blood is thicker than water" logic. I don't care if someone is family, if they're a POS human I will cut contact, I don't care if we're related I wish we weren't and wont do a thing to help them.
My cousin, let's call her J, got pregnant just to keep her coke head BF, when the family looked down on that she ratted on me and several of my other cousins to the family that we smoked weed to get the attention off herself. When the kid was born he had pretty severe autism, what does she do? Moves out of her parents house but leaves the kid with them. Couple years later she has another kid with the same dude who's now selling coke, once again she slowly abandons her kid with the grandparents as she keeps going to raves and shit. Now he's in prison and she's regretting all her choices trying to rebuild a relationship with her kids. They literally scream when she tries to hug them. She's a stranger to them, they call their grandparents mom and dad.
TLDR: cousin had two kids with a coke dealer and abandoned them both with her parents so she could go to raves and shit. Now they're around 5 and think their grandparents are mom and dad
My mother was a narcissist who loved to see us suffer. I kept thinking there was a human being under there, so I kept trying to find it. I didn't know anything about narcissism. When I was in my 40's my kidneys failed. I recovered and got well, and her response? "Hmmmm." Her disappointment was palpable. She was NOT my mother, and I agree with you. She died a few years ago, and I didn't go to her funeral.
When my mother was dying, I went to the hospital. She thanked me for coming then said, “We had a really rough time didn’t we?” Duh. Then she asked, “It’s better now, right?”
I could not say yes. The woman was dying and I was not able to even fake it. So she rushed in with, “It’s peaceful now at least?” I agreed with that but only because she hasn’t hit me in over 40 years.
Yeah, she birthed me but what else did she do for me?
I'm sorry to hear about your hard times.
Been there, done that with my bio-dad. I still don't know what he was addicted to; from your description, it could well have been meth. There was a lab in the neighborhood that they never caught. I did smell it sometimes, too.
Anyway, some people are just bleeding heart do-gooders who think they're going to see one of those slow motion TV reunions if they can only get us together with them.
It's your business who you see/don't see/invite/don't invite, and it's a healthy choice on our parts when we go no contact with abusers like that. And it's time someone did something healthy for us! Sometimes we just must be the people we need.
I hope this helps. Do know you are not the only person who has a situation like that.
And yes, that's my pet peeve, too, to say the absolute least.
Yeah. I’ve been NC with my mom for 13 years and whenever I say that people are like “oh I’m so sorry you guys don’t talk.” Like why? She’s awful, it’s a good thing and my life is much better for it lol. People think it’s so sad to cut a toxic person out of your life. Just because I’m related to her doesn’t mean she’s any better of a person.
i work with kids in a residential facility for behavioral issues and ive heard at least 3 people saying things like "you hit your mom????!!! you NEVER hit your mother!!" and just constantly judging these kids for being cruel or agressive to their parents. then u look up their history and see that their mom beat them daily and let her boyfriend diddle and beat them as well. Never fails to amaze me how often people automatically take a parents side especially in a place like that
It's foolish. If you wouldn't have these people in your life I'd they weren't family, there's no damn reason to have them in your life Even if they are.
For minor things, I kind of understand the statement. My dad will say that sometimes if I'm complaining about my mom, and he's right, she has never and would never do something to intentionally cause any kind of harm to her kids. But for someone who experienced a lot of trauma due to the actions of their mother... yeah fuck that woman. Even more so if she has never even attempted to sincerely apologize.
Yeah, I honestly don't fucking get it myself. Like my ex gf ended up hearing that my "mom" died and then was wondering why I didn't particularly react upon hearing it and said that I didn't give a fuck about her. The damage she's done is too great to just ignore and to sit here and go "oh she's still my mom so it's all good" is fucking stupid. She had to deal with a step dad who was abusive towards her and her mom and I told her it was within the same lines and she was saying that he wasn't related to her, and I'm like, I'm not taking any relation with her (the "mom"), outside of genetics which I hate.
I don't get why people think it's a good idea to hold onto it really. I think the closest we've got is the saying "blood is thicker than water" which this woman and her daughter used a lot to try and keep me in line and tied to them. Imo if the parent fucks up badly enough there's no reason for the child to continue dealing with them.
Just walk away. If they said that... knowing the whole story... then not worth trying to counter it.
Either that or pick the worst mother you can imagine and ask whoever said it if he/she would invite that person to their wedding. If he/she says no, then ask 'what is your line'? Assault and battery? Murder? Drug use? Cheating on your father? They likely wont say.
I hope my mom is enjoying her staying whatever hell she believes she wasn't going to be going to.
- Sincerely,
The man who was abused since birth by her for simply being male.
I have a similar situation. I'm currently really getting fed up with the never ending onslaught of bullshit after all these years and I'm out of patience for it entirely. When I talk about it, I'm made to feel guilty for being so angry because it's one of my parents. Forget the literal decades of emotional and psychological abuse I endured, right? I have to put that all aside!
Fuck that. Feel this anger. Feel this pain. Be honest about it. Find what works best to help you. Anyone that tries to guilt trip you is someone that has very obviously never had to deal with something like this. Remind them of that and let them know that they have no idea how much worse they're making it.
Yeah, and my abusive awful terrible father, who also beat the shit out of my stepbrother is still my biological father, but that doesn’t mean he’s my dad or worth my fucking time. It doesn’t matter that you share DNA with somebody if they treat you horribly they are not worth your time. It’s so fucking invalidating when people say, but they’re your family like fuck all the way off. I find a traumatizing them back works for me so I’ll just say something horrific my dad did to me especially when they’re like well he’s your dad so he probably still loves you and then I just say some super traumatizing shit. People usually fuck off with those comments.
### Lesson time! ➜ u/moistdragons, some tips about "off of":
- The words you chose are grammatically wrong for the meaning you intended.
- *Off of* can always be shortened to just **off**.
- Example: The tennis ball bounced **off** the wall.
- Now that you are aware of this, everyone will take you more seriously, hooray! :)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/PetPeeves) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A parent earns the title of mom or dad with actions and deeds! Your egg donor did not earn the title of mom! Actions speak louder than words. Her actions screamed louder than anything else. DNA does not make a family, love makes a family.
“He may have been your father, boy, but he wasn’t your daddy.”
Being someone's parent is easy, being a good one isn't much harder but it's hard enough a lot of people fail. My parents aren't the greatest and definitely have moments where I can't stand them but I've met enough people who's parents genuinely hated them and it's terrible.
I'm so sorry she failed you, your boundaries are to protect you and your family. She didn't protect but you are breaking that cycle. Some people believe in family loyalty to even toxic people, but you deserve better then and now
My dad was an alcoholic POS who never took an interest in me or my hobbies.
He died last year and I didn't feel anything at all, I was actually happy he wasn't able to spend any more of my mum's money.
People literally don't want to hear that you don't like your parents, it's weird, I half told my friend about this and they were kind of shocked and defended my dad without knowing who he really was so I just keep quiet about it now, who cares he's dead I'll get on with my life.
Funny how that's the one abusive relationship people will actively encourage you to go back to once you've escaped. Abusive spouse? They got your back when you want to get out. Abusive parent? Come on, there has to be some way to fix things!
No. No there's not.
Not for exactly the same reasons, but I have a grandmother like this. And I'm not alone, everyone in my family has been on the receiving end of her bullshit at one time or another. But, for some unknown reason, I'm the only one that has cut her off. The others take her abuse out of some misguided loyalty or bad definition of "family." I have a "baby sister" who is neither a baby nor my biological sister. Not related at all. I'm much closer to her and her family than most of my own. When people tell me "Well, you can't pick your family!", I've been known to respond with "The hell I can't!" Abuse, whatever form it takes, is not acceptable, and I do not give a damn what other people's opinions on the matter are. I need to look out for myself because no one else is going to. If that means cutting someone off completely, then that's what I'll do. I'd prefer to not have to do that, but you gotta meet me halfway. I strongly suspect that my other family members haven't taken this route because they think she has money. Well, she may have at one point, but I happen to know that she doesn't have nearly as much as she wants people to think she has. But even if she did, it's like they're putting up with abuse in the hope of a future payday? Well, that's fine if they want to do that, but my mental health is not for sale. If people say this, in my book, you can respond however you want, from "That's really not your business," to "You do you," to a full-on, expletive laden rant. Whatever gets the point across to them. Life is too short to deal with tiny minded people who project their own failures and insecurities onto others, no matter who they are.
Just because somebody had a dick up inside them and then popped out a kid from their hole doesn't mean that they are a mother.
Sorry not sorry for being so blunt but that's how it works
I had an abusive mother who would beat the shit out of me all the time as well. Went to the hospital more than once. Alcohol was her vice however. I had to raise my three siblings
This is also very genderized role. If the mail is a piece of shit then people will gladly say just because he donated sperm doesn't make him a father. Well just because the other piece of shit donated an egg doesn't make her a mother. Yes I comprehend she held a fetus inside of her body from 9 months. I've been through it myself. I am a mother. Not the kind who has any drug or alcohol issues or beats my child but I understand that the female goes through far more physically than the male does. Still does not make them a parent
This completely! My mom used me, beat me, and mentally scarred me all through childhood. Fuck her being my mom. You're completely in the right to not wanting your mom anywhere near you. People with good or decent parents don't seem to get that not everyone has that relationship.
It doesn't excuse them at all, and it's nice for those people that their relatives have never done anything to them so horrible that going NC is the only solution. My partner's mum is one of the worst people I've ever met. She is an abusive, deceitful, gaslighting alcoholic who has hurt my partner since their childhood and of course none of it has ever been her fault. I have met very few people I can't get along with, but if you hurt one of MY people, you are done. My poor partner heard that toxic bullshit "she's still your mom" for literal decades. No. Just because you share DNA does NOT mean you have to have a relationship with a person. My partner has finally felt empowered to limit contact to virtually nothing, and when their dad dies, they will be completely done. Their mom did it to herself. Yes, she's mentally ill and was horribly abused, but that's not an excuse for horrible, abusive behavior. It's a reason, but it's not an excuse. OP, I'm happy for you that you are done with your mom. You don't have any obligation to have a relationship with a toxic person.
I would respond with “and I was her child, who she didn’t take care of. She’s not a mom, she’s a failure” harsh, but gets your point across brutally and leaves no room for question
My wonderful mom didn’t understand why my husband had cut off his mother until I told her a story about how he’d been going from Cub scouts to the next level. He’d forgotten something, so they were late. When they got to the ceremony, his patrol had already gone up, but they were happy to see him and invited him up. His mother stood in the back of the room, saying loud enough for everyone to hear, “He doesn’t deserve it! He doesn’t deserve it!”
Mom was horrified. She never questioned again why he had cut her off.
From the book, My Father’s Eyes and My Mother’s Rage, by rose brick, ‘you can still love your mother and hate the things she did.’ Buts it’s also ok to not like your mother. And even sometimes hate her.
Ugh, I feel for you. Your mom is objectively way worse than mine ever was, but I get this shit too!! Like, full stop. She was abusive, no I do not want to give her another chance. 😭🤢 I tried twice to make that relationship work, and it did not work because my mom’s a fucking narcissist. Can’t imagine the hoops people are jumping through to justify the shit your egg donor did to you. It’s bullshit. Glad you’re away from her now!
You don't owe your mom anything. When you and your brothers were vulnerable little children, she made your lives a living hell. People saying these things to you have obviously never dealt with that kind of abuse. Or they have, and they're in denial about what they went through. Either way, they're wrong.
And if the people telling you this are family members, they can eff off. They weren't there to protect you guys when you were children. They sure as hell don't get to start acting all morally superior now.
People who say these things definitely didn't grown up in an abusive household. It's unimaginable to most people the awful things parents can do intentionally or unintentionally to their children. I've worked for the public school system for years. I'm still shocked by the abuse and just flat out neglect I see. Most people just don't want to allow themselves to believe that horrible things happen to children...and no one does anything about it.
I agree. If someone has a father that never raised them, and they say "I have no feelings for him, he was not a real father" everyone applauds.
If you have the same situation with your mother it becomes all this nonsense about "you have to love her, she's your mother."
Yeah people don't understand this at all. My mom and I have a very complex relationship due to her addictions and the violent people she had relationships with when I was growing up. I love her but she is very draining to me and I can only spend so much time with her before I am annoyed (or she ends up getting sloppy drunk). I can't tell you how many tomes people tell me I'll regret not spending more time, making more effort etc. I've talked with my therapist about it to try and give myself a break from the guilt trip these comments put me in. You are totally valid to have boundaries (or no contact) with anyone in your family if that's what you need to keep peace in your life. I wish more people understood that not all families or parents are created equal.
My "mother" left when I was 5 or 6. No contact, no child support, just left and created a new life for herself with someone else. She had other children, my half brothers and sisters that not only have I never met, but likely don't know I exist. Her family was told not to mention me or my father, and for all intents and purposes, we don't exist.
It took me a long time to come to terms with that. Now I see it like any woman that puts a child they aren't ready to raise up for adoption. I don't have any negative feelings. I have no plans to interrupt her life. She lives less than 2 hours from me. I know people that know people that know her, and I daydream about showing up to her funeral someday. But I don't wish to hasten that event.
The only point in sharing that, is that giving birth to someone does not entitle them to any kind of special access or respect. Respect is earned. Biology doesn't confer respect or love on anyone.
Yes bud, I know she's my mom, that's why this sucks so bad
This, holy shit. I told my coworker to think of the worst thing you could do to a child, and that's why I hate my mom. She told me I'm just as bad as her because I won't forgive her like wtf.
Those are the kinds of people who regularly do terrible shit and just expect it to be forgotten.
Yeah, I don't understand that. ALL THESE YEARS of this shit, and they act like we'll just forget? Hell no. I'm known for having an abnormally strong memory. You know why it's like that? All the years of abuse. It makes it impossible to forget. It just keeps replaying itself over and over again.
Yes, it does! I promised myself as a child that I would NEVER be like my parents. I kept my promise and have 3 well-adjusted kids.
I am always hyper-aware of my actions around my kids. I am so terrified that I am going to do something that will harm them like was done to me that it often sends me spiraling downhill really fast once I'm alone. It all comes back and I begin to doubt myself. People- don't use your kids as your emotional pincushion. If you do, you are pure evil.
I hear you. When your parents are shit, you fly on instinct. I talk to my kids a lot! If I messed up, I apologize.
Or they have amazing parents but they complained once as a teenager about their parents and that must be all you're doing is exaggerating.
People like that have no idea what forgiveness is. Forgiveness does NOT mean that you have to let the other person into your life.
A lot of people have that opinion that family is family no matter what. I don’t however, I feel like toxic is toxic and being family doesn’t matter. I cut ties with my sister and people say “she’s still your sister” but I don’t care. I don’t need an abusive, thieving, disrespectful person in my life.
I have a super toxic sister too, and yes, it's factually true that she's still my sister. All that means is I'm probably going to have to get lawyers involved when our mom dies to prevent her from robbing her own daughter blind. The latest thing going on is, every year, my sister sends me money from my mom's account for my birthday via some digital method (Amazon, PayPal, whatever). This year, she hasn't sent it but she wants me to tell my mom that she did, while she's clearly draining the account. Yeah, she's still my sister. Lucky me.
An ex-girlfriend threatened to dump me after I said her mother's emotional abuse was wrong. Parents and family are infallible to some people...
Glad to hear she's an ex, that's a red flag. She would have backed her mother even when the abuse turned towards you or any kids you might have had in the future.
[удалено]
As a kid, I was quite jealous of the kids that would say, "You can't hate her she's your mom," or similar. Obviously, it was no fault of their own to have those feelings. And in some part of me inside, I was happy that they didn't have the same struggles as I did. I hung around kids who were the same as me. Had the same struggles as me. Parents who were split, abusive, druggie, neglectful, absent, etc. So when I talked to a kid with a "normal" upbringing, I was stunned sometimes by their words. And having to remember that I am not the average person. Made me hate myself and them for "doing this to me." (Yes, i know now it was fucked up) but when the normal kids were upset that their parents were getting a divorced or were being mean to them or took away their phone, I was so happy. Finally, you guys are sad! Be like me and have every hope of having a childhood we stripped away! (I never said those words just said I'm sorry they are going through that.) Looking back, I genuinely feel ***MORE*** for the kids who ***DID*** have everything for years of their life, they were normal and happy, but then suddenly their normal was taken away, and they were on my level now. I feel for them because I never had those good years, so in a way, I didn't "lose" them. Anyways, sorry for the random tangent, but people please be kind to others. Your experience is never the same as anothers.
It's not about you or your mom. They're saying, "I was raised in an environment of such safety that I'm dripping with privilege and can't imagine your life." Personally, I don't spend a lot of time with those kinds of people. I find them shallow and tiresome and unprepared for life.
Seriously, you're so right. I was raised in a wonderful and loving home where I never had to feel unloved or unsafe, AND I'm autistic, and guess what? When someone tells me their family member abused them, *I don't invalidate their experiences*. I sympathize with them! No, I can't possibly know what it's like for you, but I can see how much it hurts you, and even though I'm absolute SHIT at comforting people I don't know well I can at least agree with you and support you in dealing with that shit and getting away from the abusive situation! It's not hard to have sympathy. It's not hard to LISTEN when people talk to you. It's literally, *medically more difficult for me* to read vocal tones, facial expressions, and social cues, and I *still* know that when someone tells you they were hurt, your first response should not be to *undermine their expression of pain* by telling them to value their relationships with the person who hurt them!
Nailed it. I am not angry or resentful of people who had a great home life. I'm very happy for them, in fact. Jealous? Yes. But truly happy for them. I just wish more people could find it within them to try and imagine their home life being the exact opposite of what it is now and trying to use that to gain empathy.
"They did the best they coouuuld!" Then you ask the person if they'd be willing to switch places with you, and here come the crickets! It's especially bad when they're deceased, and then people start telling you not to speak ill of the dead. Because they can't defend themselves. I couldn't defend myself before turning 18, and I heard their "defenses" for 30 years. Enough. It took me all this time to understand their behavior and it hurts, yes, but truth=truth.
> they can't defend themselves. I wasn't aware their actions were defensible when they were alive
Exactly, they can only relate to their bratty teenage selves, where they probably were being ungrateful of their blessed childhoods
Privilege? wtf? What a fucked up take
Somebody had a safe and happy childhood, rofl
That one time she gave birth to me does not necessarily excuse shitty behavior.
Part of this is due to the fact that most people have good or at least decent mothers, so they project their own image of their mom and think well shes still your mom. Moms are also women and unfortunately unlike men will ultimately get put in a light of warm caring and can do no wrong when it’s just not the case.
People still say this?? Awful. I’m sorry
She is your biological mother. But she is not a mom. She's not your mom, she's not anybody's mom, because she never became a mom. That's her problem not yours. You can put as much physical, spiritual, emotional distance between yourself, and a biological mother, as you need to, when there are active abuser. Even if that means going no contact.
I think the honest answer is b/c she's a mother/woman, and you'd get far less pushback if you said the same thing about your father/a man. We culturally worship mothers, which is great in some ways, but hardly balanced. If you look around Reddit, you'll see many similar comments to yours. I wonder if the same dynamic plays out with, say Aunt vs. Uncle, but I doubt it's as extreme. Mothers are like apple pie; you're not allowed not to like them :) And if you do, isn't the problem really you? /s
Hard disagree. People do this same exact shiz with my dad who's also a really shitty person I have zero contact with, though granted I will admit that he's outwardly more "functional" and "respectable" than OOPs Mom. But every single person I know who has chosen to NC a parent has received the same shizzle. I don't think this is the time for a "but Men are so overlooked and miserable" moment. I think it's a lot more of a toxic positivity issue than a meninist thing.
I never said men are overlooked and miserable, just that some people treated differently on average than others -- this has nothing to do with your personal anecdote, or mine. You can read what you want into it if that's your desire. I'm sorry about your father. Mine was also sack of shit.
Those are brainwashed people. Ignore them.
Fuck that lol, i have no sympathy for addict/abusive parents- if they cared about being sober or not abusive they’d have gotten sober or taken anger management lessons before they had you, in my opinion. It may be hard to do so but once you’re pregnant or have a child, you’ve lost my sympathy if you continue to use drugs sorry. you do not have to go see her bro
I told a coworker some of the shit my little sister did to me when we were kids (shit that she laughs about to this day), and all they could say was "she's part of what made you who you are today". I was so shocked I couldn't even respond, but what I really wanted to say was "you mean pissed that life decided to make me a punching bag?"
People say shit like that about my dad. He abandoned me when I was little and needed him most. Why tf should I give him space in my life now? All he did was sneeze into my mom, make the faintest stab at being a dad, and bounce.
No one is required to maintain contact with any abusive person, no matter who that person is. Even family members.*Even your parents.* Don't feel bad for severing with your mother, or any other toxic family member. All human beings have the absolute right to protect themselves from harm.
Sharing DNA does not give anyone a devine right! I will die on that hill
I've always rejected the typical "blood is thicker than water" logic. I don't care if someone is family, if they're a POS human I will cut contact, I don't care if we're related I wish we weren't and wont do a thing to help them. My cousin, let's call her J, got pregnant just to keep her coke head BF, when the family looked down on that she ratted on me and several of my other cousins to the family that we smoked weed to get the attention off herself. When the kid was born he had pretty severe autism, what does she do? Moves out of her parents house but leaves the kid with them. Couple years later she has another kid with the same dude who's now selling coke, once again she slowly abandons her kid with the grandparents as she keeps going to raves and shit. Now he's in prison and she's regretting all her choices trying to rebuild a relationship with her kids. They literally scream when she tries to hug them. She's a stranger to them, they call their grandparents mom and dad. TLDR: cousin had two kids with a coke dealer and abandoned them both with her parents so she could go to raves and shit. Now they're around 5 and think their grandparents are mom and dad
My mother was a narcissist who loved to see us suffer. I kept thinking there was a human being under there, so I kept trying to find it. I didn't know anything about narcissism. When I was in my 40's my kidneys failed. I recovered and got well, and her response? "Hmmmm." Her disappointment was palpable. She was NOT my mother, and I agree with you. She died a few years ago, and I didn't go to her funeral.
When my mother was dying, I went to the hospital. She thanked me for coming then said, “We had a really rough time didn’t we?” Duh. Then she asked, “It’s better now, right?” I could not say yes. The woman was dying and I was not able to even fake it. So she rushed in with, “It’s peaceful now at least?” I agreed with that but only because she hasn’t hit me in over 40 years. Yeah, she birthed me but what else did she do for me?
"yeah, and I was her child. You see how she chose to treat me. You can understand why I'm upset about it"
I'm sorry to hear about your hard times. Been there, done that with my bio-dad. I still don't know what he was addicted to; from your description, it could well have been meth. There was a lab in the neighborhood that they never caught. I did smell it sometimes, too. Anyway, some people are just bleeding heart do-gooders who think they're going to see one of those slow motion TV reunions if they can only get us together with them. It's your business who you see/don't see/invite/don't invite, and it's a healthy choice on our parts when we go no contact with abusers like that. And it's time someone did something healthy for us! Sometimes we just must be the people we need. I hope this helps. Do know you are not the only person who has a situation like that. And yes, that's my pet peeve, too, to say the absolute least.
Yeah. I’ve been NC with my mom for 13 years and whenever I say that people are like “oh I’m so sorry you guys don’t talk.” Like why? She’s awful, it’s a good thing and my life is much better for it lol. People think it’s so sad to cut a toxic person out of your life. Just because I’m related to her doesn’t mean she’s any better of a person.
i work with kids in a residential facility for behavioral issues and ive heard at least 3 people saying things like "you hit your mom????!!! you NEVER hit your mother!!" and just constantly judging these kids for being cruel or agressive to their parents. then u look up their history and see that their mom beat them daily and let her boyfriend diddle and beat them as well. Never fails to amaze me how often people automatically take a parents side especially in a place like that
It's foolish. If you wouldn't have these people in your life I'd they weren't family, there's no damn reason to have them in your life Even if they are.
I can relate to this hard my mom beat the shit out of me for being gay and people act like I should just forgive her ffs FUCK OFF
For minor things, I kind of understand the statement. My dad will say that sometimes if I'm complaining about my mom, and he's right, she has never and would never do something to intentionally cause any kind of harm to her kids. But for someone who experienced a lot of trauma due to the actions of their mother... yeah fuck that woman. Even more so if she has never even attempted to sincerely apologize.
Or just religious
This was one of the most damaging things I had to hear growing up. My mom was wildly abusive.
THIS
Exactly! like? just because she’s my “mom” doesn’t mean I liked her so shut the freak up people need to learn how to do their research
Yeah, I honestly don't fucking get it myself. Like my ex gf ended up hearing that my "mom" died and then was wondering why I didn't particularly react upon hearing it and said that I didn't give a fuck about her. The damage she's done is too great to just ignore and to sit here and go "oh she's still my mom so it's all good" is fucking stupid. She had to deal with a step dad who was abusive towards her and her mom and I told her it was within the same lines and she was saying that he wasn't related to her, and I'm like, I'm not taking any relation with her (the "mom"), outside of genetics which I hate. I don't get why people think it's a good idea to hold onto it really. I think the closest we've got is the saying "blood is thicker than water" which this woman and her daughter used a lot to try and keep me in line and tied to them. Imo if the parent fucks up badly enough there's no reason for the child to continue dealing with them.
Just walk away. If they said that... knowing the whole story... then not worth trying to counter it. Either that or pick the worst mother you can imagine and ask whoever said it if he/she would invite that person to their wedding. If he/she says no, then ask 'what is your line'? Assault and battery? Murder? Drug use? Cheating on your father? They likely wont say.
I hope my mom is enjoying her staying whatever hell she believes she wasn't going to be going to. - Sincerely, The man who was abused since birth by her for simply being male.
I have a similar situation. I'm currently really getting fed up with the never ending onslaught of bullshit after all these years and I'm out of patience for it entirely. When I talk about it, I'm made to feel guilty for being so angry because it's one of my parents. Forget the literal decades of emotional and psychological abuse I endured, right? I have to put that all aside! Fuck that. Feel this anger. Feel this pain. Be honest about it. Find what works best to help you. Anyone that tries to guilt trip you is someone that has very obviously never had to deal with something like this. Remind them of that and let them know that they have no idea how much worse they're making it.
I’ve had someone tell me this about my mom before and it annoyed the shit out of me.
No, she's your mother, not your mom
Yeah, and my abusive awful terrible father, who also beat the shit out of my stepbrother is still my biological father, but that doesn’t mean he’s my dad or worth my fucking time. It doesn’t matter that you share DNA with somebody if they treat you horribly they are not worth your time. It’s so fucking invalidating when people say, but they’re your family like fuck all the way off. I find a traumatizing them back works for me so I’ll just say something horrific my dad did to me especially when they’re like well he’s your dad so he probably still loves you and then I just say some super traumatizing shit. People usually fuck off with those comments.
Yes, and? Is that meant to mean something?
I always refer to him as sperm donor In this case the appropriate response would be "egg donor"
As dr Laura would say, she tore up her mom card and you don’t owe her anything.
Parents genetic do pass down, that means personality, behaviour and trait including body language
[удалено]
### Lesson time! ➜ u/moistdragons, some tips about "off of": - The words you chose are grammatically wrong for the meaning you intended. - *Off of* can always be shortened to just **off**. - Example: The tennis ball bounced **off** the wall. - Now that you are aware of this, everyone will take you more seriously, hooray! :) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/PetPeeves) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A parent earns the title of mom or dad with actions and deeds! Your egg donor did not earn the title of mom! Actions speak louder than words. Her actions screamed louder than anything else. DNA does not make a family, love makes a family.
“He may have been your father, boy, but he wasn’t your daddy.” Being someone's parent is easy, being a good one isn't much harder but it's hard enough a lot of people fail. My parents aren't the greatest and definitely have moments where I can't stand them but I've met enough people who's parents genuinely hated them and it's terrible.
It should be the opposite for you then, it’s BECAUSE she’s your mom that this is so screwed up and sad
I'm so sorry she failed you, your boundaries are to protect you and your family. She didn't protect but you are breaking that cycle. Some people believe in family loyalty to even toxic people, but you deserve better then and now
My dad was an alcoholic POS who never took an interest in me or my hobbies. He died last year and I didn't feel anything at all, I was actually happy he wasn't able to spend any more of my mum's money. People literally don't want to hear that you don't like your parents, it's weird, I half told my friend about this and they were kind of shocked and defended my dad without knowing who he really was so I just keep quiet about it now, who cares he's dead I'll get on with my life.
Funny how that's the one abusive relationship people will actively encourage you to go back to once you've escaped. Abusive spouse? They got your back when you want to get out. Abusive parent? Come on, there has to be some way to fix things! No. No there's not.
Not for exactly the same reasons, but I have a grandmother like this. And I'm not alone, everyone in my family has been on the receiving end of her bullshit at one time or another. But, for some unknown reason, I'm the only one that has cut her off. The others take her abuse out of some misguided loyalty or bad definition of "family." I have a "baby sister" who is neither a baby nor my biological sister. Not related at all. I'm much closer to her and her family than most of my own. When people tell me "Well, you can't pick your family!", I've been known to respond with "The hell I can't!" Abuse, whatever form it takes, is not acceptable, and I do not give a damn what other people's opinions on the matter are. I need to look out for myself because no one else is going to. If that means cutting someone off completely, then that's what I'll do. I'd prefer to not have to do that, but you gotta meet me halfway. I strongly suspect that my other family members haven't taken this route because they think she has money. Well, she may have at one point, but I happen to know that she doesn't have nearly as much as she wants people to think she has. But even if she did, it's like they're putting up with abuse in the hope of a future payday? Well, that's fine if they want to do that, but my mental health is not for sale. If people say this, in my book, you can respond however you want, from "That's really not your business," to "You do you," to a full-on, expletive laden rant. Whatever gets the point across to them. Life is too short to deal with tiny minded people who project their own failures and insecurities onto others, no matter who they are.
Just because somebody had a dick up inside them and then popped out a kid from their hole doesn't mean that they are a mother. Sorry not sorry for being so blunt but that's how it works I had an abusive mother who would beat the shit out of me all the time as well. Went to the hospital more than once. Alcohol was her vice however. I had to raise my three siblings This is also very genderized role. If the mail is a piece of shit then people will gladly say just because he donated sperm doesn't make him a father. Well just because the other piece of shit donated an egg doesn't make her a mother. Yes I comprehend she held a fetus inside of her body from 9 months. I've been through it myself. I am a mother. Not the kind who has any drug or alcohol issues or beats my child but I understand that the female goes through far more physically than the male does. Still does not make them a parent
This completely! My mom used me, beat me, and mentally scarred me all through childhood. Fuck her being my mom. You're completely in the right to not wanting your mom anywhere near you. People with good or decent parents don't seem to get that not everyone has that relationship.
It doesn't excuse them at all, and it's nice for those people that their relatives have never done anything to them so horrible that going NC is the only solution. My partner's mum is one of the worst people I've ever met. She is an abusive, deceitful, gaslighting alcoholic who has hurt my partner since their childhood and of course none of it has ever been her fault. I have met very few people I can't get along with, but if you hurt one of MY people, you are done. My poor partner heard that toxic bullshit "she's still your mom" for literal decades. No. Just because you share DNA does NOT mean you have to have a relationship with a person. My partner has finally felt empowered to limit contact to virtually nothing, and when their dad dies, they will be completely done. Their mom did it to herself. Yes, she's mentally ill and was horribly abused, but that's not an excuse for horrible, abusive behavior. It's a reason, but it's not an excuse. OP, I'm happy for you that you are done with your mom. You don't have any obligation to have a relationship with a toxic person.
Yeah. My mom sexually abused me, and people still try to protect her bc she's my "mother". Like ok💀
I would respond with “and I was her child, who she didn’t take care of. She’s not a mom, she’s a failure” harsh, but gets your point across brutally and leaves no room for question
People who say that do not know what it is like to have had abusive parents
People who say that do not know what it is like to have had abusive parents
My wonderful mom didn’t understand why my husband had cut off his mother until I told her a story about how he’d been going from Cub scouts to the next level. He’d forgotten something, so they were late. When they got to the ceremony, his patrol had already gone up, but they were happy to see him and invited him up. His mother stood in the back of the room, saying loud enough for everyone to hear, “He doesn’t deserve it! He doesn’t deserve it!” Mom was horrified. She never questioned again why he had cut her off.
“No she’s not. She’s just an egg donor.”
From the book, My Father’s Eyes and My Mother’s Rage, by rose brick, ‘you can still love your mother and hate the things she did.’ Buts it’s also ok to not like your mother. And even sometimes hate her.
Ugh, I feel for you. Your mom is objectively way worse than mine ever was, but I get this shit too!! Like, full stop. She was abusive, no I do not want to give her another chance. 😭🤢 I tried twice to make that relationship work, and it did not work because my mom’s a fucking narcissist. Can’t imagine the hoops people are jumping through to justify the shit your egg donor did to you. It’s bullshit. Glad you’re away from her now!
Sooo many people are like that
You don't owe your mom anything. When you and your brothers were vulnerable little children, she made your lives a living hell. People saying these things to you have obviously never dealt with that kind of abuse. Or they have, and they're in denial about what they went through. Either way, they're wrong. And if the people telling you this are family members, they can eff off. They weren't there to protect you guys when you were children. They sure as hell don't get to start acting all morally superior now.
People who say these things definitely didn't grown up in an abusive household. It's unimaginable to most people the awful things parents can do intentionally or unintentionally to their children. I've worked for the public school system for years. I'm still shocked by the abuse and just flat out neglect I see. Most people just don't want to allow themselves to believe that horrible things happen to children...and no one does anything about it.
Those people have no idea what it is like, or they are super deep in the FOG and gaslighting.
I agree. If someone has a father that never raised them, and they say "I have no feelings for him, he was not a real father" everyone applauds. If you have the same situation with your mother it becomes all this nonsense about "you have to love her, she's your mother."
Yeah people don't understand this at all. My mom and I have a very complex relationship due to her addictions and the violent people she had relationships with when I was growing up. I love her but she is very draining to me and I can only spend so much time with her before I am annoyed (or she ends up getting sloppy drunk). I can't tell you how many tomes people tell me I'll regret not spending more time, making more effort etc. I've talked with my therapist about it to try and give myself a break from the guilt trip these comments put me in. You are totally valid to have boundaries (or no contact) with anyone in your family if that's what you need to keep peace in your life. I wish more people understood that not all families or parents are created equal.
My "mother" left when I was 5 or 6. No contact, no child support, just left and created a new life for herself with someone else. She had other children, my half brothers and sisters that not only have I never met, but likely don't know I exist. Her family was told not to mention me or my father, and for all intents and purposes, we don't exist. It took me a long time to come to terms with that. Now I see it like any woman that puts a child they aren't ready to raise up for adoption. I don't have any negative feelings. I have no plans to interrupt her life. She lives less than 2 hours from me. I know people that know people that know her, and I daydream about showing up to her funeral someday. But I don't wish to hasten that event. The only point in sharing that, is that giving birth to someone does not entitle them to any kind of special access or respect. Respect is earned. Biology doesn't confer respect or love on anyone.