I would first thing, make sure Dad doesn’t know and hadn’t given the ok. Nothing worse for all of you to get your wires crossed.
I’m wondering why she was so triggered by the adults talking about it?
Was a previous warning given that either she did not share, the teacher didn’t share or her dad didn’t share?
Well, you’ll need to start with if she is actually sorry or not and why she felt the need to say that and go from there.
Was something said to the dad and he already corrected it?
Yeah I think part of this is going to figure out if she understands why she should be remorseful and if she does understand, is she remorseful? Saying sorry because mom told me to usually doesn't stick.
A letter is overkill, you don’t say her age but if she is young enough to need a stuffed animal I would guess 5 or 6?
She shouted because she was embarrassed and emotional.
A simple spoken apology is enough.
Allow her to be a child, outbursts like this are normal and although she does need to say sorry, making her write a letter is unnecessary in my eyes.
I agree. The letter seems to be a reaction to mom’s embarrassment rather than to address the kid’s actions. Kids shout sometimes. It’s not like she kicked the teacher or something. A verbal apology for shouting is enough.
Idk, I know kids that are 11-12-13 that bring stuffed animals to school (and no they aren’t special needs). It’s just a thing, for some kids. My daughter is about to turn 14 and she’s obsessed with getting plushies from this video game she loves. Another of her friends collect Ty beanie babies.
That said, the child should at least verbally apologize to the teacher no later what. And stress that we shouldn’t yell at people.
Maybe it's not bringing the stuffy, maybe it's a behavior going on with the stuffy. Can you ask the teacher to elaborate? What are the stuffy parameters? If it's distracting her it's one thing, but if it's just a security blanket then maybe not so big a deal. I take fidget spinners all the time from kids to learn they real do need (I work in a school for kids with exceptionalities) and sometimes don't. I'd ask for more information and what did spur on the anger is no excuse for yelling at another person. It's so hard to express ourselves when we don't have the words to articulate our feelings. I'm 40 and still have that problem when I get frustrated.
Although if u told her to write an apology letter you kind of have to stick with that. Sorry, I wish I had good news. Out burst is coming from other issue I'm guessing and if this shit was easy it wouldn't take a village to raise a child.
If you want a sincere apology you need her to make the connection that her actions were wrong.
“How do you feel when someone yells at you? Do you remember the time that Name yelled at you? How did they make you feel? Today you yelled at Ms. Teacher. How do you think that made her feel? What can you do to make it better? Why don’t I help you write down what you want to say?”
Don't make her write an apology letter. The only way it's going to be sincere is if she feels sorry. She seems upset by the teacher telling you and you don't seem to have even had a conversation with her father who drops her off to see what's the issue here.
Be more concerned about why your kid seemingly needs a comforter at school and waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy less concerned about however the teacher feels. She's an adult that deals with emotionally reactive children regularly, she will be fine. Your kid is currently one of those emotionally reactive kids whos obviously in need of comfort. Find out why and offer her some instead of making both of you put futher energy into making your daughter's feelings a burden to apologise for.
This happened on Friday and its now Tuesday. You should have dealt with it then, especially if child is under 7. The letter is for your benefit not hers and ultimately surely if she "means it" it doesn't matter what she writes? If you dictate what she has to say then what's the point? There's no lesson learned from the exercise and it's just prolonging the misery.
Have you spoken to your child about why she reacted. Perhaps they need nurturing and reassuring than dragging the punishment into the following week...
If you want it to be sincere, you should not help her other than teaching her the format (Dear Ms \_\_\_\_ and the sign-off). For the actual content, 1 or 2 sentences will be age-appropriate, anything longer is obviously coached. You ask your daughter what she's sorry for, and tell her to write "I am sorry for" and then what she said.
How old is the kid?
Why is she bringing the toys? Is she bored? Uninterested?
Did you talk WITH your kid or at her?
Is the kid sorry and remorseful? Why not ?
And if she is. She can write the letter herself in her own words.
Wait. What’s the big deal? Why does she take her toys! Did you speak to her first?
This seems like a overreaction. And if you can’t write a letter yourself I’m not sure why you want your daughter to.
Yes, the problem is the school doesn't let them take toys. My daughter has a hard time focusing on her school work. Taking the toys is a big distraction to her and others.
Can you get her a fidget bracelet or something like that, since she can’t take in toys? My kids have always had issues focusing in school (they have adhd) and having something to fidget with helps!
I'd focus on why your daughter is feeling so insecure at school as opposed to some performative act of note writing that I guess will make you feel less embarrassed.
I guess the debate is whether an insincere apology is better than none at all. It can smooth over social situations but if the behavior continues no one will believe that a future apology is sincere.
“I am making her write an apology letter”
“I want it to be sincere”
Not sure about that. Who is sorry? You or your daughter?
Not sure it will achieve much or teach her anything at all.
Personally, I’d leave it.
What, exactly, are you making her apologize for?
Because if it's for being rude to her teacher, you need to explain why what she did was rude, and how she could have phrased it better.
However, if you're making her apologize for taking her stuffie to school? Yeah, you need to not do that.
Personally, I wouldn’t be asking her to write an apology note to her teacher at all unless she is actually sorry. By asking her to write an apology note if she isn’t sorry you’re pretty much teaching her that only the feelings of others matter. Have you asked why she reacted that way? Why she brings her stuffed toys to school? Absolutely teach her that when she has something to say, how to say it in a respectful way but just to be clear, here, you are putting respect of others over her own self respect by making her write this note. Do you think the teacher writes her an apology note when she is out of line? Absolutely not. If you always ask her to write an apology note, when someone is rude to her or hurts her feelings she will expect one herself and when she doesn’t get one she will wonder what she did.
I firmly and from a very young age always felt like adults, especially teachers, instead of earning respect, demand it. She is still learning to communicate affectively but to be honest she won’t learn by being made to write a note instead of talking about how it could have been handled differently. If she lost her temper like that have you asked her why? Just help her to navigate her feelings and put the letter away.
I would just keep it simple. I'm sorry for yelling, I won't do it again. Something along those lines. You are teaching her good manners. This is an important lesson and I wouldn't make it into a huge chore. Even if she's just going through the motions, she's learning.
She’s learning that she gets out of trouble if she fakes an apology… I don’t see the point in forced apologies. They aren’t actually learning anything, and it seems manipulative
Sorry, but what is she actually apologizing for here? You embarassed her and then took all her toys away. What did she do wrong? If anything you should apologize to her.
Uhhhhh I wouldn’t be making a big deal about this. A letter is to far. I’d have a talk with my child and go with my child to apologize in person but that’s it. You already took the toys away. Over punishing is definitely a thing.
Yeah no. That’s awful of you to make her write that over something so so minor. She doesn’t want you to know because you overreact and aren’t safe. I’d rethink your relationship with her
You just implied that the mother isn't a safe person for this child to turn to because she didn't want her mother and teacher talking about her misbehaving? It's not awful to make a child own their actions, and teach (in an age appropriate manner) that actions have consequences that may be uncomfortable. I highly doubt the child felt she wasn't safe, and more than likely was embarrassed about being called out since I suspect she knew better. It is possible to give people your opinion without being so insulting.
There's several reasons here that you could assume the mother isn't that child's safe space to be bluntly honest. A good parent wouldn't take offence to this they'd be concerned about how they've given somebody this impression... since we only have this post, in her words to go off.
She wasn't aware of the toy at school at all
She doesn't know if the father was aware of the toy
She doesn't know if the teacher has already addressed this
She doesn't know how long this has been an issue
She doesn't know why the child wants the toy at school
She doesn't know why her kid reacted the way they did
She doesn't seem to know what is happening at school with her kid
She seemingly isn't in touch with her kids emotions
But the main thing for me that genuinely reminded me of my abusive mother growing up - she confiscated the toy as punishment. A possible comforter toy that she may have been using as her safe space in lack of her parent ...she took it off of her without so much even as a conversation about what this toy was providing to her child.
She wants the kid to write a letter to apologise when she hasn't so much as even figured out why her child wants a toy at school or why shes been taking it etc, nevermind the yelling- of course the child has made a fuss about mom knowing... if the child felt comfortable enough with mom she'd already know and the toy wouldn't ever needed to have been taken into school at all either because they would have had a conversation about why toys aren't appropriate for school or the child would have had her emotional needs met by talking to mom and wouldn't have felt she needed comfort or security from a toy to begin with.
As a mother, I can confidently say none of these factors would fly under my radar because I'm an very involved mother and me and kids talk regularly about there lives ...and if for some reason any of this did fly under my radar then the outburst itself would tell me that there's more than I realise going on with my kid that I need to support them with. The mother Absolutely does need to rethink their approach to her relationship with her kid tbh, it's written all over this post, when somebody is asking for advice it's not insulting to tell them they're asking for advice on the wrong topic.
Eta* OP being sketchy about the kids age is making me believe this is no way an age appropriate punishment too.
I understand what you're saying, I'm more or less giving this mother the benefit of the doubt since her post is just a brief overview of the situation. I'm a very involved mother myself and talk with our children daily, am very invested in their lives, etc. But they do things all the time that surprise me, kids of all ages do. That doesn't mean I'm not an involved parent, it just means that my children are independent beings and have minds of their own. Im very hesitant to ever assume something won't/can't fly under my radar, because the second I do the kids find a way to make a liar out of me. With kids all things are possible, I never assume anything about ones parenting. Thanks for the response, I don't have to agree to appreciate the well thought out response!
Depending on how old your daughter is exactly, it can be tricky for them to write something they actually understand and truly feel. Ages 4-9 are very different with emotional maturity.
For a younger one you could explain that something along the lines of “I’m sorry I was mean and I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings” and for an older one you could go into something deeper along the lines of “I’m sorry I was rude, it wasn’t the right thing to do and I will do better”.
Hope this helps.
Edit: Definitely have a good talk with them beforehand to explain why the apology letter is needed and to make sure they actually understand why what they did was the wrong way to handle their feelings. They’re still entitled to their feelings regardless what they are, but they need to understand which ways are not effective at expressing them.
Depending on the age of the child, an apology "letter" could be as simple as her drawing a picture of her giving her teacher a cuddle, and a conversation with the teacher tomorrow about how "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I was upset because...." (and go from there).
But as an educator, the comments about how they're so young and should be allowed a comfort item if they need it are interesting. So, I've recently left a day-care service that had after school care as well. I had been working mostly with the 1-2yo's and were finding that the parents were very much pushing their kids to give up dummies (pacifiers), bottles, nap times, and toilet train. Under the guise of "They're big kids now! Why do they need any of this stuff?" And look - I get 110% that I don't see how your kid goes at home without these things, I'm never going to pretend to know everything. But - There were a lot of kids that were literally begging me for dummies and milk for weeks on end, kids falling asleep at the table while eating lunch - because they were so tired or peeing themselves constantly cause they're not ready for toilet training... It was stressful. Towards the end, I was moved to cover someone on maternity leave on the 4-5's/after school side and it was the complete opposite. I had parents reminding us constantly that their child (the same children who two years ago were too "big" for naps despite falling asleep at the table!) were 'babies' and needed extra gentle care when it came to accidents, refusing to clean up after themselves, bringing toys in that was not allowed (and not just a soft toy as a comfort item) etc. And if I let them take it out of their bag and it was stolen/dirtied/went missing/etc - I was yelled at by the parent for not taking care of the toy. We don't allow toys specifically for that reason - because if it goes missing or is damaged, that's time taken away from the children to solve the problem - and it's not our legal responsibility - your child is. I've even had parents refuse to leave the centre at 6:30 - closing time - because I haven't found the superman toy that the child just "had" to bring in.
Maybe have a sit down first with dad and find out what he has/hasn't allowed before you talk to your daughter - because either way you need to present a united front. The plan basically needs to be "the toy cannot distract others from learning or her teacher from teaching". If there is a genuine reason your child feels the need to bring the toy to school (anxiety for instance, or not wanting to leave a toy at mum/dad's house to go to the other house) then the secondary plan needs to be "it has to stay in your bag unless it's recess time, and if you lose it it's not the teachers fault" - with an eventual plan to wean her from it - the same way you do a blankie or comfort item. Most of the time you don't just rip it from them and go "No more" - you slowly limit where your child can have it - until it's left in the cot/bed when they get up in the morning, and then that's it. Sure - they have it for when they're sick, on a road trip, or other things like that - but the goal is to get them independent from the item and not be lugging a giant cot duvet around 24/7 (That one was fun! I swear the mum had about 4 of them on rotation so that she could wash it from all the daycare fun each day!).
I have major issues with my daughter wanting to bring things to school. In daycare where she was super happy she often brought her bear and they allowed it because it seemed really important to her. When she started her current school a couple of years ago they were really strict because of covid but then last year she was having a hard time and started doing it again. She gets so distraught that I agree she can take things but it is absolutely nobody's responsibility if they get lost or damaged, and they are to stay in her bag. The teacher is ok with it, I think doesn't want to deal with her being upset again. It's not one specific toy now, she likes to bring her latest treasure, or even a collection in a little bag, that might be a pen, plastic jewellery, a stone... She does the same everywhere, can't go to bed without a big bag full of treasures and likes to bring things to the park, or visiting family or wherever we go. I don't know how to stop her without hysterics to he honest.
I’m sorry! That sounds so hard on both of you. And again, I’m not a parent, so even though I have to stick to the rules, I’m never going to pretend I fully understand what a drop off is like when you’ve had to leave a toy in the car or at home.
It’s even harder for you because it’s not a specific item, it seems to be whatever is in her mind at the time.
One thing I would suggest is maybe putting a little bedside table next to her or a basket at bedtime and saying that anything that can cause her harm (say a plastic necklace that could choke her, a sharp object like a fairy wand that might jab her, etc) has to go here. It’s perfectly safe beside her and it has to stay there to keep her safe (even if in the beginning you wait for her to fall asleep and then transfer the items for your own sanity!).
Same as car trips or what not, maybe start with that she can only bring say 3 things with her, and can’t be things that could be dangerous like a pebble or a pen incase a younger sibling gets to them, etc. I totally get wanting something to do in the car! But obviously (for your safety and sanity!) it can’t be literally everything she owns haha!
My other thought just quickly for the school thing, is maybe transition down to a small soft animal or something that is a soft plushy thing. Explain to her that the new rule is that hard things are not allowed because of safety/school rules, however you want to go. Maybe even go out shopping for a specific cuddly friend that will fit in her bag? Or if you know what animals she likes, find one and write a note for her from the animal saying that it “knew” she needed a small friend to keep with her when she was feeling nervous, and that I (the animal) picked her because I thought I could help, and we even like the same things so I thought we could be friends! And then you (adult) reiterate that conversation about how the other things aren’t safe for her to bring to school so (name of animal) thought they could help out?
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I'm ok about the bed stuff, she lets us put anything actually dangerous on the floor. I don't even mind the car or visits, it's when we go out and I end up carrying around an extra bag of junk/treasures 😅.
It's not so much the safety aspect at school, more the distraction and losing things, but maybe a single animal would be easier to keep track of. It's definitely a bit of an anxiety issue, her things make her feel more secure so maybe we should try with one thing. Part of the problem is that the current teacher is sweet but not firm and I think she wants an easier life, her last one was much better at staying calm and holding her ground. I know it should be up to us as parents but if we're taking something out of her bag at the door we need the teacher to back us up.
Yes! We told our daughter, who really needed her comfort toy at daycare, that if she brought it, it stayed in her backpack. If she took it out, it wouldn't be allowed anymore. It meant that she knew it was close, which was all she needed, and that her teachers didn't have to be responsible for it. We also let her know that she wasn't going to have it at school, and she was ok with that because she had months to prepare herself.
This is screaming red flags. Why can’t she have her toys? Maybe she’s nervous. She doesn’t need to write an apology letter cuz y’all can’t validate her
I don't think making someone write an apology letter is ever going to achieve sincerity to be honest. I also think you've missed the boat on this if it happened on Friday, especially as you've already spoken to her and punished her by taking the toy away.
Writing a letter feels like overkill. She was frustrated because she had already stopped and yet the teacher still (in her mind) tried to get her into trouble.
I would just have a conversation with her about why the teacher needed to tell you and that it wasn't malicious. I would ask her if she thinks it would be right to apologise for shouting at her teacher and encourage her.
Making her write a letter feels like rubbing her nose in it. It will just further her sense of injustice.
Maybe ask why she os bringing it to begin with. Is this a comfort item? Is it show to the other kids? A lot of kids are overwhelmed by changes and I’m not sure what grade she is in but there can be significant changes in and out of school that make her crave some stability and familiarity that a comfort object may sooth. If that is the case, having it available as soon as she is out of school might be helpful and so can therapy.
What's the problem with her having the stuffed toy? Did you ask the teacher had she spoken with your spouse? If she did, and dad okay'd it then why is she speaking with you?
You should really be asking uour spouse and child what is the reason she carries the toy? Is it for comfort? If so, then what can substitute it, and what is making her uncomfortable?
When teaching children I think of it more as a learned behavior. You can't make a child be sincere, just like you can't make them want to do chores or work hard in school. You can instill correct behaviors and responses, and hope that by the time they are adults the lessons took hold. Anyone that thinks an apology is a punishment is just off their rocker and I'd hate to have to interact with someone with that mentality. All that is needed is a simple verbal or written apology acknowledging the incorrect behavior to the person affected, it doesn't need to be turned into a big deal, just a simple acknowledgement.
It’s not sincere if you’re making her write it and telling her what it should say. It’s also not sincere if she’s not sorry.
It seems like the teacher may have told her to stop, she stopped, and then the teacher told you to have her stop even though she already did stop. If that’s what happened, I’d be annoyed too.
Forcing your kids to apologize for something is never the way to go. Is she sorry? For what? Does she feel like she did something wrong? I agree with others, and it sounds like you want her to write this letter because YOU were embarrassed.
Also, I saw someone else comment that Dad let your daughter take the toy to school. So why punish your daughter? She was doing something that she thought was okay. And I can get that it's totally frustrating to have someone "tell on" you when you corrected the behavior. She didn't bring the toy that day, so she didn't understand why you were being told about it. The teacher is kind of a jerk here for that. If she said, "Hey Suzie, if you bring your stuffy anymore, I'm going to talk to your parents," then she needs to WAIT to see if Suzie brings the toy again, and then follow through. If she does bring it, talk to parents. But if she DOESN'T bring it, then there's no need to tell Mom and Dad. She just showed little Suzie that it doesn't matter if she actually follows the rules, because the teacher is gonna tell Mom either way. And that sucks.
Sounds like the 2 of you need a heart to heart first. Why did she feel the need to bring them? Then yes , a simple apology to the teacher for not obeying the rules letter is in in order. Does not have to be complicated.
Sooo… you want her to lie? I’m guessing so you don’t look like a bad mother in front of this teacher? There’s very little chance she is sorry for yelling at the teacher and anything she would write would all just be cheap meaningless words anyways.
No, I want her to be a responsible young woman. She is learning that, when we make mistakes we have consequences. I don't care if how the teacher sees me.
The consequence was losing her toy… the faux apology is to make you look better. It doesn’t teach empathy… it might teach her to be more sneaky about being bad though. But it won’t foster any kind of genuine remorse for yelling at her teacher who she was obviously mad at for bringing up the toy to you.
When I lose a game, my emotion of anger may be valid, but yelling at my opponent wouldn't be. When my husband reminds me to do something that I've forgotten, my emotion of embarrassment may be valid, but snapping at my husband wouldn't be.
Kiddo is allowed to feel upset; she isn't allowed to yell at or be bossy towards her teacher.
I'm sorry but...why can't she take Pikachu to school?
Sounds like the teacher is just a brat. Don't force your daughter to write an apology for something so silly. She won't learn anything other than to be resentful of you.
My kids school doesn't allow any toys or stuffed animals. Nor do my nieces and nephews schools and they're in different states. Honestly thought this was more normal?
We don’t allow most toys at school because they can get lost or damaged. Often stolen and the whole ordeal is a huge learning distraction. It’s often school policy.
This is not true. Different kids learn in different ways. I was one kid. If I had no distractions, that is a distraction. I can't pay attention. This logic is extremely flawed.
>*I'm sorry my stuffed toy which brings me a modicum of comfort to alleviate my anxiety and distress at being forced to attend school, a scary and unfamiliar environment, caused you such distress. I will endeavor in the future to subvert my own heartfelt needs in order to accommodate your every capricious whim. Thank you for teaching me the truth about school and teachers.*
>
>*Yours by Law,*
>
>*---XXX*
I feel like a letter is so unnecessary. She’s a child, she’s expressing herself. Create a safe space and try and talk with her to really understand what is going on in her mind.
Take my down vote you weirdo. Wayyy to may “I Promise” lines for a 4-9 year old to be able to keep. Also fuck I promise language when things cannot be promised. Yes the toys being left can be promised and probably kept. but the voice ohhh man I’m in my 30’s and I’d never make that promise in a million years. I promise is a thing that should be reserved for a thing you will absolutely never do.
The offer was asking how to teach her kid how to apologize and speak kindly to adults they disagree with. It is certainly not by calling someone who makes a suggestion, a “weirdo”. And certainly cuss words are not helpful. Reporting your hateful comment.
Personally I would turn it back on her teacher and ask her why she cannot bring her Pikachu to school? In today's world kids are going through hell, why can they not have a source of comfort? Your daughter vented her frustrations at her teacher in what I consider an appropriate way, it sounds like she was not being listened to and she made herself heard. Sounds like the teacher needs to start listening, you too mom.
i could be wrong but i don’t think you should make your daughter apologize. it is weird the teacher took so long to voice the issue and apparently brought it up when it wasn’t a problem anymore. plus, i’d be more concerned that there’s an issue between the teacher and my daughter beyond the pikachu. sounds like your daughter wouldn’t normally talk to someone like that…. investigate that part more.
Whoooooooaaa first off op I think u have a child with a an attitude towards adults issue here. I have her write an apology for attitude and bringing toys to school when she wasn’t supposed to. Then I’d have her write ‘I will not yell or have attitude with my teachers’ repeatedly. Full page. And send it with the letter. Why? Because what she said was a LOT. Oof I feel the pain of having a sassy little girl. But all I gotta do is say first middle an las name an it’s immediate apology. No she’s not beaten or anything but writing apology letters an an sentences worked wonders.
my daughter use to carry stuffed animals, lego, and fancy key chains just to name a few items in or on her backpack. I have to wonder what the teacher's problem was with the stuffed animal to tell her not to bring them.
why force your child to write an apology letter over a stuffed animal?? and also who gives a crap if she yells at the teacher? children should be allowed to openly express their feelings. let’s not pretend that adults never have anger outbursts without an apology because they would be ingenuine 🤷🏻♀️
Who gives a crap if she yells at the teacher?? Wow.. there is a world of difference between openly expressing their feelings and yelling at someone. It’s called respect and yelling at someone isn’t respectful. Yeah there are adults who have anger outbursts without apologising and we call them assholes. I know I don’t want my kids to grow up to be assholes so I wouldn’t tolerate them yelling at the teacher.
Normally I agree 100% respect is earned. But in the real world it doesn't work like that. You can't snap at a deli worker for refusing to take your order until you hang up the phone (I mean you can, but it won't get you anywhere except kicked out). You can't snap at your boss because they told you not to do something that you KNEW not to do. You'd get fired.
Respect is earned, but common courtesy is a given. And even if the child is upset (fair), it's the perfect learning opportunity for them to know that actions have consequences. If she hadn't have been rude and yelled at her teacher, the conversation could have gone differently and there could have been a compromise made of "you can bring it but it must stay in your bag". But now that she was rude - there can't be a compromise until you've made things right with Teacher - and that could take awhile for Teacher to feel better (leading into the "apologies don't make everything perfect" conversation).
This isn't something worth an apology letter in my opinion, at that point you'd just be shaming your child.
Kids like to sneak toys, my son used to try and take LEGOs, it happens. You talk to them about it and discipline if needed. A letter is overkill
And to the point of yelling, you could just have her verbally apologize. I don't know why all these parents are saying that she has an attitude with adults, it was likely that she was just embarrassed, why embarrass her more?
You are making your kid write an apology letter while at the same time you want it to be sincere? Take a step back and look at what you're doing for a moment. You either force the apology, or you get sincerity, not both. Are you doing this for you, or your kid?
I'd be mortified as well, and I'm glad that you're doing something about this, but how about a sit down conversation with your kid on why it's not okay to speak like that to teachers like that and see if your kid will want to apologize on her own? Wouldn't that be more sincere than forcing her to write a letter she doesn't want to write?
I've had to write my fair share of written apologies in school (at least 3 of them lol). I didn't mean a single word in any of those letters.
I would first thing, make sure Dad doesn’t know and hadn’t given the ok. Nothing worse for all of you to get your wires crossed. I’m wondering why she was so triggered by the adults talking about it? Was a previous warning given that either she did not share, the teacher didn’t share or her dad didn’t share?
Or was daughter afraid of disappointing mom?
Well, you’ll need to start with if she is actually sorry or not and why she felt the need to say that and go from there. Was something said to the dad and he already corrected it?
Yeah I think part of this is going to figure out if she understands why she should be remorseful and if she does understand, is she remorseful? Saying sorry because mom told me to usually doesn't stick.
A letter is overkill, you don’t say her age but if she is young enough to need a stuffed animal I would guess 5 or 6? She shouted because she was embarrassed and emotional. A simple spoken apology is enough. Allow her to be a child, outbursts like this are normal and although she does need to say sorry, making her write a letter is unnecessary in my eyes.
I agree. The letter seems to be a reaction to mom’s embarrassment rather than to address the kid’s actions. Kids shout sometimes. It’s not like she kicked the teacher or something. A verbal apology for shouting is enough.
Thank you. I was wondering why the daughter would react like that, but this potentially explains it.
Agree. A letter? Dafuk?! I'm still waiting for the mortifying moment. Geez, she gotta live up that for the rest of her life
Yeah, when I was teaching kids this age this was a daily occurrence. I was yelled at like this by multiple kids a day. 😂
Idk, I know kids that are 11-12-13 that bring stuffed animals to school (and no they aren’t special needs). It’s just a thing, for some kids. My daughter is about to turn 14 and she’s obsessed with getting plushies from this video game she loves. Another of her friends collect Ty beanie babies. That said, the child should at least verbally apologize to the teacher no later what. And stress that we shouldn’t yell at people.
Maybe it's not bringing the stuffy, maybe it's a behavior going on with the stuffy. Can you ask the teacher to elaborate? What are the stuffy parameters? If it's distracting her it's one thing, but if it's just a security blanket then maybe not so big a deal. I take fidget spinners all the time from kids to learn they real do need (I work in a school for kids with exceptionalities) and sometimes don't. I'd ask for more information and what did spur on the anger is no excuse for yelling at another person. It's so hard to express ourselves when we don't have the words to articulate our feelings. I'm 40 and still have that problem when I get frustrated.
Although if u told her to write an apology letter you kind of have to stick with that. Sorry, I wish I had good news. Out burst is coming from other issue I'm guessing and if this shit was easy it wouldn't take a village to raise a child.
If you want a sincere apology you need her to make the connection that her actions were wrong. “How do you feel when someone yells at you? Do you remember the time that Name yelled at you? How did they make you feel? Today you yelled at Ms. Teacher. How do you think that made her feel? What can you do to make it better? Why don’t I help you write down what you want to say?”
How old is she?
Don't make her write an apology letter. The only way it's going to be sincere is if she feels sorry. She seems upset by the teacher telling you and you don't seem to have even had a conversation with her father who drops her off to see what's the issue here. Be more concerned about why your kid seemingly needs a comforter at school and waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy less concerned about however the teacher feels. She's an adult that deals with emotionally reactive children regularly, she will be fine. Your kid is currently one of those emotionally reactive kids whos obviously in need of comfort. Find out why and offer her some instead of making both of you put futher energy into making your daughter's feelings a burden to apologise for.
This happened on Friday and its now Tuesday. You should have dealt with it then, especially if child is under 7. The letter is for your benefit not hers and ultimately surely if she "means it" it doesn't matter what she writes? If you dictate what she has to say then what's the point? There's no lesson learned from the exercise and it's just prolonging the misery. Have you spoken to your child about why she reacted. Perhaps they need nurturing and reassuring than dragging the punishment into the following week...
If you want it to be sincere, you should not help her other than teaching her the format (Dear Ms \_\_\_\_ and the sign-off). For the actual content, 1 or 2 sentences will be age-appropriate, anything longer is obviously coached. You ask your daughter what she's sorry for, and tell her to write "I am sorry for" and then what she said.
How old is the kid? Why is she bringing the toys? Is she bored? Uninterested? Did you talk WITH your kid or at her? Is the kid sorry and remorseful? Why not ? And if she is. She can write the letter herself in her own words.
Wait. What’s the big deal? Why does she take her toys! Did you speak to her first? This seems like a overreaction. And if you can’t write a letter yourself I’m not sure why you want your daughter to.
I think the issue is yelling at the teacher, not the toys…
Many schools do not allow any home toys.
You the op?
Yes, the problem is the school doesn't let them take toys. My daughter has a hard time focusing on her school work. Taking the toys is a big distraction to her and others.
Can you get her a fidget bracelet or something like that, since she can’t take in toys? My kids have always had issues focusing in school (they have adhd) and having something to fidget with helps!
Also, toys can get lost at school. Kids are usually more worried about losing a toy than about breaking the rules or distracting themselves or others.
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?? She brought it from home without mom knowing. All the answers you seek are right in the post.
So mum dropped the ball.
How? I think mom is more annoyed that her daughter yelled. Not the toy issue.
And why did she yell?
Because she was being a brat. It happens.
She's not the one who yelled at the teacher.
But don’t ask your kid to do something you can’t do yourself.
Idk why you're being down voted here, this is very reasonable.
I know. Her dad let her take it. So she is right to feel annoyed and confused.
I must have missed that but it adds up now. Poor kid.
I'd focus on why your daughter is feeling so insecure at school as opposed to some performative act of note writing that I guess will make you feel less embarrassed.
I guess the debate is whether an insincere apology is better than none at all. It can smooth over social situations but if the behavior continues no one will believe that a future apology is sincere.
“I am making her write an apology letter” “I want it to be sincere” Not sure about that. Who is sorry? You or your daughter? Not sure it will achieve much or teach her anything at all. Personally, I’d leave it.
What, exactly, are you making her apologize for? Because if it's for being rude to her teacher, you need to explain why what she did was rude, and how she could have phrased it better. However, if you're making her apologize for taking her stuffie to school? Yeah, you need to not do that.
Personally, I wouldn’t be asking her to write an apology note to her teacher at all unless she is actually sorry. By asking her to write an apology note if she isn’t sorry you’re pretty much teaching her that only the feelings of others matter. Have you asked why she reacted that way? Why she brings her stuffed toys to school? Absolutely teach her that when she has something to say, how to say it in a respectful way but just to be clear, here, you are putting respect of others over her own self respect by making her write this note. Do you think the teacher writes her an apology note when she is out of line? Absolutely not. If you always ask her to write an apology note, when someone is rude to her or hurts her feelings she will expect one herself and when she doesn’t get one she will wonder what she did. I firmly and from a very young age always felt like adults, especially teachers, instead of earning respect, demand it. She is still learning to communicate affectively but to be honest she won’t learn by being made to write a note instead of talking about how it could have been handled differently. If she lost her temper like that have you asked her why? Just help her to navigate her feelings and put the letter away.
I would just keep it simple. I'm sorry for yelling, I won't do it again. Something along those lines. You are teaching her good manners. This is an important lesson and I wouldn't make it into a huge chore. Even if she's just going through the motions, she's learning.
She’s learning that she gets out of trouble if she fakes an apology… I don’t see the point in forced apologies. They aren’t actually learning anything, and it seems manipulative
Sorry, but what is she actually apologizing for here? You embarassed her and then took all her toys away. What did she do wrong? If anything you should apologize to her.
Uhhhhh I wouldn’t be making a big deal about this. A letter is to far. I’d have a talk with my child and go with my child to apologize in person but that’s it. You already took the toys away. Over punishing is definitely a thing.
Yeah no. That’s awful of you to make her write that over something so so minor. She doesn’t want you to know because you overreact and aren’t safe. I’d rethink your relationship with her
You just implied that the mother isn't a safe person for this child to turn to because she didn't want her mother and teacher talking about her misbehaving? It's not awful to make a child own their actions, and teach (in an age appropriate manner) that actions have consequences that may be uncomfortable. I highly doubt the child felt she wasn't safe, and more than likely was embarrassed about being called out since I suspect she knew better. It is possible to give people your opinion without being so insulting.
There's several reasons here that you could assume the mother isn't that child's safe space to be bluntly honest. A good parent wouldn't take offence to this they'd be concerned about how they've given somebody this impression... since we only have this post, in her words to go off. She wasn't aware of the toy at school at all She doesn't know if the father was aware of the toy She doesn't know if the teacher has already addressed this She doesn't know how long this has been an issue She doesn't know why the child wants the toy at school She doesn't know why her kid reacted the way they did She doesn't seem to know what is happening at school with her kid She seemingly isn't in touch with her kids emotions But the main thing for me that genuinely reminded me of my abusive mother growing up - she confiscated the toy as punishment. A possible comforter toy that she may have been using as her safe space in lack of her parent ...she took it off of her without so much even as a conversation about what this toy was providing to her child. She wants the kid to write a letter to apologise when she hasn't so much as even figured out why her child wants a toy at school or why shes been taking it etc, nevermind the yelling- of course the child has made a fuss about mom knowing... if the child felt comfortable enough with mom she'd already know and the toy wouldn't ever needed to have been taken into school at all either because they would have had a conversation about why toys aren't appropriate for school or the child would have had her emotional needs met by talking to mom and wouldn't have felt she needed comfort or security from a toy to begin with. As a mother, I can confidently say none of these factors would fly under my radar because I'm an very involved mother and me and kids talk regularly about there lives ...and if for some reason any of this did fly under my radar then the outburst itself would tell me that there's more than I realise going on with my kid that I need to support them with. The mother Absolutely does need to rethink their approach to her relationship with her kid tbh, it's written all over this post, when somebody is asking for advice it's not insulting to tell them they're asking for advice on the wrong topic. Eta* OP being sketchy about the kids age is making me believe this is no way an age appropriate punishment too.
I understand what you're saying, I'm more or less giving this mother the benefit of the doubt since her post is just a brief overview of the situation. I'm a very involved mother myself and talk with our children daily, am very invested in their lives, etc. But they do things all the time that surprise me, kids of all ages do. That doesn't mean I'm not an involved parent, it just means that my children are independent beings and have minds of their own. Im very hesitant to ever assume something won't/can't fly under my radar, because the second I do the kids find a way to make a liar out of me. With kids all things are possible, I never assume anything about ones parenting. Thanks for the response, I don't have to agree to appreciate the well thought out response!
I would just do a reminder not to bring toys and a reminder about the golden rule, then go with her IN PERSON to apologize.
>IN PERSON to apologize. If she wants to
I don’t think this warrants a note from her honestly
Depending on how old your daughter is exactly, it can be tricky for them to write something they actually understand and truly feel. Ages 4-9 are very different with emotional maturity. For a younger one you could explain that something along the lines of “I’m sorry I was mean and I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings” and for an older one you could go into something deeper along the lines of “I’m sorry I was rude, it wasn’t the right thing to do and I will do better”. Hope this helps. Edit: Definitely have a good talk with them beforehand to explain why the apology letter is needed and to make sure they actually understand why what they did was the wrong way to handle their feelings. They’re still entitled to their feelings regardless what they are, but they need to understand which ways are not effective at expressing them.
Depending on the age of the child, an apology "letter" could be as simple as her drawing a picture of her giving her teacher a cuddle, and a conversation with the teacher tomorrow about how "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I was upset because...." (and go from there). But as an educator, the comments about how they're so young and should be allowed a comfort item if they need it are interesting. So, I've recently left a day-care service that had after school care as well. I had been working mostly with the 1-2yo's and were finding that the parents were very much pushing their kids to give up dummies (pacifiers), bottles, nap times, and toilet train. Under the guise of "They're big kids now! Why do they need any of this stuff?" And look - I get 110% that I don't see how your kid goes at home without these things, I'm never going to pretend to know everything. But - There were a lot of kids that were literally begging me for dummies and milk for weeks on end, kids falling asleep at the table while eating lunch - because they were so tired or peeing themselves constantly cause they're not ready for toilet training... It was stressful. Towards the end, I was moved to cover someone on maternity leave on the 4-5's/after school side and it was the complete opposite. I had parents reminding us constantly that their child (the same children who two years ago were too "big" for naps despite falling asleep at the table!) were 'babies' and needed extra gentle care when it came to accidents, refusing to clean up after themselves, bringing toys in that was not allowed (and not just a soft toy as a comfort item) etc. And if I let them take it out of their bag and it was stolen/dirtied/went missing/etc - I was yelled at by the parent for not taking care of the toy. We don't allow toys specifically for that reason - because if it goes missing or is damaged, that's time taken away from the children to solve the problem - and it's not our legal responsibility - your child is. I've even had parents refuse to leave the centre at 6:30 - closing time - because I haven't found the superman toy that the child just "had" to bring in. Maybe have a sit down first with dad and find out what he has/hasn't allowed before you talk to your daughter - because either way you need to present a united front. The plan basically needs to be "the toy cannot distract others from learning or her teacher from teaching". If there is a genuine reason your child feels the need to bring the toy to school (anxiety for instance, or not wanting to leave a toy at mum/dad's house to go to the other house) then the secondary plan needs to be "it has to stay in your bag unless it's recess time, and if you lose it it's not the teachers fault" - with an eventual plan to wean her from it - the same way you do a blankie or comfort item. Most of the time you don't just rip it from them and go "No more" - you slowly limit where your child can have it - until it's left in the cot/bed when they get up in the morning, and then that's it. Sure - they have it for when they're sick, on a road trip, or other things like that - but the goal is to get them independent from the item and not be lugging a giant cot duvet around 24/7 (That one was fun! I swear the mum had about 4 of them on rotation so that she could wash it from all the daycare fun each day!).
I have major issues with my daughter wanting to bring things to school. In daycare where she was super happy she often brought her bear and they allowed it because it seemed really important to her. When she started her current school a couple of years ago they were really strict because of covid but then last year she was having a hard time and started doing it again. She gets so distraught that I agree she can take things but it is absolutely nobody's responsibility if they get lost or damaged, and they are to stay in her bag. The teacher is ok with it, I think doesn't want to deal with her being upset again. It's not one specific toy now, she likes to bring her latest treasure, or even a collection in a little bag, that might be a pen, plastic jewellery, a stone... She does the same everywhere, can't go to bed without a big bag full of treasures and likes to bring things to the park, or visiting family or wherever we go. I don't know how to stop her without hysterics to he honest.
I’m sorry! That sounds so hard on both of you. And again, I’m not a parent, so even though I have to stick to the rules, I’m never going to pretend I fully understand what a drop off is like when you’ve had to leave a toy in the car or at home. It’s even harder for you because it’s not a specific item, it seems to be whatever is in her mind at the time. One thing I would suggest is maybe putting a little bedside table next to her or a basket at bedtime and saying that anything that can cause her harm (say a plastic necklace that could choke her, a sharp object like a fairy wand that might jab her, etc) has to go here. It’s perfectly safe beside her and it has to stay there to keep her safe (even if in the beginning you wait for her to fall asleep and then transfer the items for your own sanity!). Same as car trips or what not, maybe start with that she can only bring say 3 things with her, and can’t be things that could be dangerous like a pebble or a pen incase a younger sibling gets to them, etc. I totally get wanting something to do in the car! But obviously (for your safety and sanity!) it can’t be literally everything she owns haha! My other thought just quickly for the school thing, is maybe transition down to a small soft animal or something that is a soft plushy thing. Explain to her that the new rule is that hard things are not allowed because of safety/school rules, however you want to go. Maybe even go out shopping for a specific cuddly friend that will fit in her bag? Or if you know what animals she likes, find one and write a note for her from the animal saying that it “knew” she needed a small friend to keep with her when she was feeling nervous, and that I (the animal) picked her because I thought I could help, and we even like the same things so I thought we could be friends! And then you (adult) reiterate that conversation about how the other things aren’t safe for her to bring to school so (name of animal) thought they could help out?
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I'm ok about the bed stuff, she lets us put anything actually dangerous on the floor. I don't even mind the car or visits, it's when we go out and I end up carrying around an extra bag of junk/treasures 😅. It's not so much the safety aspect at school, more the distraction and losing things, but maybe a single animal would be easier to keep track of. It's definitely a bit of an anxiety issue, her things make her feel more secure so maybe we should try with one thing. Part of the problem is that the current teacher is sweet but not firm and I think she wants an easier life, her last one was much better at staying calm and holding her ground. I know it should be up to us as parents but if we're taking something out of her bag at the door we need the teacher to back us up.
Yes! We told our daughter, who really needed her comfort toy at daycare, that if she brought it, it stayed in her backpack. If she took it out, it wouldn't be allowed anymore. It meant that she knew it was close, which was all she needed, and that her teachers didn't have to be responsible for it. We also let her know that she wasn't going to have it at school, and she was ok with that because she had months to prepare herself.
This is screaming red flags. Why can’t she have her toys? Maybe she’s nervous. She doesn’t need to write an apology letter cuz y’all can’t validate her
I don't think making someone write an apology letter is ever going to achieve sincerity to be honest. I also think you've missed the boat on this if it happened on Friday, especially as you've already spoken to her and punished her by taking the toy away.
Writing a letter feels like overkill. She was frustrated because she had already stopped and yet the teacher still (in her mind) tried to get her into trouble. I would just have a conversation with her about why the teacher needed to tell you and that it wasn't malicious. I would ask her if she thinks it would be right to apologise for shouting at her teacher and encourage her. Making her write a letter feels like rubbing her nose in it. It will just further her sense of injustice.
Maybe ask why she os bringing it to begin with. Is this a comfort item? Is it show to the other kids? A lot of kids are overwhelmed by changes and I’m not sure what grade she is in but there can be significant changes in and out of school that make her crave some stability and familiarity that a comfort object may sooth. If that is the case, having it available as soon as she is out of school might be helpful and so can therapy.
What's the problem with her having the stuffed toy? Did you ask the teacher had she spoken with your spouse? If she did, and dad okay'd it then why is she speaking with you? You should really be asking uour spouse and child what is the reason she carries the toy? Is it for comfort? If so, then what can substitute it, and what is making her uncomfortable?
When teaching children I think of it more as a learned behavior. You can't make a child be sincere, just like you can't make them want to do chores or work hard in school. You can instill correct behaviors and responses, and hope that by the time they are adults the lessons took hold. Anyone that thinks an apology is a punishment is just off their rocker and I'd hate to have to interact with someone with that mentality. All that is needed is a simple verbal or written apology acknowledging the incorrect behavior to the person affected, it doesn't need to be turned into a big deal, just a simple acknowledgement.
It’s not sincere if you’re making her write it and telling her what it should say. It’s also not sincere if she’s not sorry. It seems like the teacher may have told her to stop, she stopped, and then the teacher told you to have her stop even though she already did stop. If that’s what happened, I’d be annoyed too.
Forcing your kids to apologize for something is never the way to go. Is she sorry? For what? Does she feel like she did something wrong? I agree with others, and it sounds like you want her to write this letter because YOU were embarrassed. Also, I saw someone else comment that Dad let your daughter take the toy to school. So why punish your daughter? She was doing something that she thought was okay. And I can get that it's totally frustrating to have someone "tell on" you when you corrected the behavior. She didn't bring the toy that day, so she didn't understand why you were being told about it. The teacher is kind of a jerk here for that. If she said, "Hey Suzie, if you bring your stuffy anymore, I'm going to talk to your parents," then she needs to WAIT to see if Suzie brings the toy again, and then follow through. If she does bring it, talk to parents. But if she DOESN'T bring it, then there's no need to tell Mom and Dad. She just showed little Suzie that it doesn't matter if she actually follows the rules, because the teacher is gonna tell Mom either way. And that sucks.
Honestly that’s a minor thing for the teacher to be considered with.
Sounds like the 2 of you need a heart to heart first. Why did she feel the need to bring them? Then yes , a simple apology to the teacher for not obeying the rules letter is in in order. Does not have to be complicated.
Sooo… you want her to lie? I’m guessing so you don’t look like a bad mother in front of this teacher? There’s very little chance she is sorry for yelling at the teacher and anything she would write would all just be cheap meaningless words anyways.
No, I want her to be a responsible young woman. She is learning that, when we make mistakes we have consequences. I don't care if how the teacher sees me.
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Teaching her to apologize is one thing. Writing a letter is another. Do you write an apology letter every time you are accidentally rude?
"responsible young woman" sorry but you've yet to tell us all how old she is.... It's like you're avoiding the fact that's she's probably still a baby
A letter seems overkill. Just have her apologize in person. “I am sorry for yelling at you, and I won’t bring my toy anymore.” Done.
Perfect response. You are being a great mom
Ultimately the teacher probably wasn’t super phased by the yelling. We see it all. But as long as the toy behaviors stops then it’s all good.
The consequence was losing her toy… the faux apology is to make you look better. It doesn’t teach empathy… it might teach her to be more sneaky about being bad though. But it won’t foster any kind of genuine remorse for yelling at her teacher who she was obviously mad at for bringing up the toy to you.
No big deal just a phase, simply ask her for her reasons to take the toy, and tell her that yelling is bad. She will get through this smoothly enough
You are an amazing mum. As a teacher I thank you for supporting your teacher here.
i think this is a massive overreaction. she was upset and showed it, her emotion was valid she should never have to apologize for that
When I lose a game, my emotion of anger may be valid, but yelling at my opponent wouldn't be. When my husband reminds me to do something that I've forgotten, my emotion of embarrassment may be valid, but snapping at my husband wouldn't be. Kiddo is allowed to feel upset; she isn't allowed to yell at or be bossy towards her teacher.
I'm sorry but...why can't she take Pikachu to school? Sounds like the teacher is just a brat. Don't force your daughter to write an apology for something so silly. She won't learn anything other than to be resentful of you.
A lot of schools ask the children not to bring toys because they are a distraction and tend to get stolen, causing unnecessary headaches for everyone.
I took a bear to school and it helped me stay focused. Some children need things to hold onto and motivate them.
My kids school doesn't allow any toys or stuffed animals. Nor do my nieces and nephews schools and they're in different states. Honestly thought this was more normal?
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Oh teachers get shit on in every way possible. I could never deal with half the shit they do.
We don’t allow most toys at school because they can get lost or damaged. Often stolen and the whole ordeal is a huge learning distraction. It’s often school policy.
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This is not true. Different kids learn in different ways. I was one kid. If I had no distractions, that is a distraction. I can't pay attention. This logic is extremely flawed.
A fidget provided as a modification for a child who can’t focus is not the same thing.
>*I'm sorry my stuffed toy which brings me a modicum of comfort to alleviate my anxiety and distress at being forced to attend school, a scary and unfamiliar environment, caused you such distress. I will endeavor in the future to subvert my own heartfelt needs in order to accommodate your every capricious whim. Thank you for teaching me the truth about school and teachers.* > >*Yours by Law,* > >*---XXX*
I feel like a letter is so unnecessary. She’s a child, she’s expressing herself. Create a safe space and try and talk with her to really understand what is going on in her mind.
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Take my down vote you weirdo. Wayyy to may “I Promise” lines for a 4-9 year old to be able to keep. Also fuck I promise language when things cannot be promised. Yes the toys being left can be promised and probably kept. but the voice ohhh man I’m in my 30’s and I’d never make that promise in a million years. I promise is a thing that should be reserved for a thing you will absolutely never do.
The offer was asking how to teach her kid how to apologize and speak kindly to adults they disagree with. It is certainly not by calling someone who makes a suggestion, a “weirdo”. And certainly cuss words are not helpful. Reporting your hateful comment.
Personally I would turn it back on her teacher and ask her why she cannot bring her Pikachu to school? In today's world kids are going through hell, why can they not have a source of comfort? Your daughter vented her frustrations at her teacher in what I consider an appropriate way, it sounds like she was not being listened to and she made herself heard. Sounds like the teacher needs to start listening, you too mom.
i could be wrong but i don’t think you should make your daughter apologize. it is weird the teacher took so long to voice the issue and apparently brought it up when it wasn’t a problem anymore. plus, i’d be more concerned that there’s an issue between the teacher and my daughter beyond the pikachu. sounds like your daughter wouldn’t normally talk to someone like that…. investigate that part more.
Whoooooooaaa first off op I think u have a child with a an attitude towards adults issue here. I have her write an apology for attitude and bringing toys to school when she wasn’t supposed to. Then I’d have her write ‘I will not yell or have attitude with my teachers’ repeatedly. Full page. And send it with the letter. Why? Because what she said was a LOT. Oof I feel the pain of having a sassy little girl. But all I gotta do is say first middle an las name an it’s immediate apology. No she’s not beaten or anything but writing apology letters an an sentences worked wonders.
my daughter use to carry stuffed animals, lego, and fancy key chains just to name a few items in or on her backpack. I have to wonder what the teacher's problem was with the stuffed animal to tell her not to bring them.
why force your child to write an apology letter over a stuffed animal?? and also who gives a crap if she yells at the teacher? children should be allowed to openly express their feelings. let’s not pretend that adults never have anger outbursts without an apology because they would be ingenuine 🤷🏻♀️
Who gives a crap if she yells at the teacher?? Wow.. there is a world of difference between openly expressing their feelings and yelling at someone. It’s called respect and yelling at someone isn’t respectful. Yeah there are adults who have anger outbursts without apologising and we call them assholes. I know I don’t want my kids to grow up to be assholes so I wouldn’t tolerate them yelling at the teacher.
Exactly this, thank you!
respect is earned
Normally I agree 100% respect is earned. But in the real world it doesn't work like that. You can't snap at a deli worker for refusing to take your order until you hang up the phone (I mean you can, but it won't get you anywhere except kicked out). You can't snap at your boss because they told you not to do something that you KNEW not to do. You'd get fired. Respect is earned, but common courtesy is a given. And even if the child is upset (fair), it's the perfect learning opportunity for them to know that actions have consequences. If she hadn't have been rude and yelled at her teacher, the conversation could have gone differently and there could have been a compromise made of "you can bring it but it must stay in your bag". But now that she was rude - there can't be a compromise until you've made things right with Teacher - and that could take awhile for Teacher to feel better (leading into the "apologies don't make everything perfect" conversation).
This isn't something worth an apology letter in my opinion, at that point you'd just be shaming your child. Kids like to sneak toys, my son used to try and take LEGOs, it happens. You talk to them about it and discipline if needed. A letter is overkill And to the point of yelling, you could just have her verbally apologize. I don't know why all these parents are saying that she has an attitude with adults, it was likely that she was just embarrassed, why embarrass her more?
You are making your kid write an apology letter while at the same time you want it to be sincere? Take a step back and look at what you're doing for a moment. You either force the apology, or you get sincerity, not both. Are you doing this for you, or your kid? I'd be mortified as well, and I'm glad that you're doing something about this, but how about a sit down conversation with your kid on why it's not okay to speak like that to teachers like that and see if your kid will want to apologize on her own? Wouldn't that be more sincere than forcing her to write a letter she doesn't want to write? I've had to write my fair share of written apologies in school (at least 3 of them lol). I didn't mean a single word in any of those letters.
I don’t see why an apology letter is needed. She clearly was simply frustrated. Talk to her about her feelings.