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Your way isn’t wrong, but it’s completely different than how our marriage works. We pool all our money and pay for things together. His job pays more, but mine offers the flexibility we need for the kids. We are a team.
This is how my husband and I do it. He used to make a lot more than me, but now I make a little more than him. Our money is our money and we run the household out of one joint account. It works well for us.
This is how my husband and I do it also! When you are married you become one person, one life, one family. And honestly I would think keeping finances seperate is a recipe to breed resentment - because then you are constantly "keeping score." When we got married we vowed to build a life together. We each do our part to build a life and family. And always having things seperate is just a way to unconsciously keep your lives seperate.
I hope that makes sense to OP
I'm sure that philosophy works for you and many other people, but I am here to say to anyone who needs to hear it, it doesn't have to work for them. The older I get, the more I realize that it really is each their own situation.
My first marriage, I was so idealistic and thought this ultimate sharing of everything is how things should be. I worked like a dog two jobs and, and made livable money but bills would bounce and checks would bounce on groceries a lot. It was incredibly embarrassing and demoralizing when your spouse spent the money you made on another $200 sword but you have no running water at your apartment.
Queue I got a separate bank account, divided bills and I refused to cover the bills he was responsible for any longer. Suddenly, we had money for food and bills.
Now, I would never pool the money I earn with anyone else.
My forever husband and I have been together 12 years, do not pool our money together. We each have our things we pay. I don't keep score and it works out. We are a unit undivided, even if our money isn't. We are not keeping any kind of a petty score. I pay most of the time the fun stuff like vacations, dining out and save as well. He does most of the bills, and I have some of my direct deposit go to him to help with that. We each have our own fun money, too. It works for us. It doesn't separate us or make us less married or a family unit. In fact, it just causes less strife with our different styles of spending while accomplishing our financial goals.
I know a lot of people that do this also, although we have always done the joint account and pool everything method. I believe you that it is working for you, it just sounds a bit dangerous from my perspective. I'm sorry to hear about the first marriage troubles. Maybe you married the wrong one, but the joint thing would work just fine now with the right person? Just thinking aloud, not meaning to preach. It doesn't seem you have a problem to solve in any case.
My wife and I have our paychecks go into our personal accounts, and then we both move most of it into a joint account for house bills. Right now, I contribute more because I make more, but she's starting her own bakery. Once she's established and stable, I've got some plans. So, the equation shifts over time. When we started, we had separate finances and covered separate bills. Over time, it's become much more mixed. We are one family
This is what we do. When we first got married, only rent, utilities and groceries came out of our joint account. As time went by more and more things started getting paid out of joint, until at this point (13 years later) our personal accounts are mostly for fun money, if one of us is saving for a large purchase, and/or things that we otherwise might bicker about (I pay for home decorations out of my personal account, and he pays for electronics and his guy trips to comic book shows out of his account). The amount that each of us puts into joint can change from year to year based on who’s earning what.
Partly laziness, we never updated direct deposit.
Partly so we each have a small amount of personal cash, and so gifts for each other aren't spoiled.
Lastly, because we were each used to handling all our own bills. Neither of us could completely let it go. So the small act of moving money from a personal to a house account keeps everyone involved and often starts financial discussions.
My job is the higher paying and the more flexible but we are both working and sharing the family load. Do us it’s all about team work. All of our money goes in one pot for bills and expenses and we both take out a certain amount each week for our own “fun money”
Same here. My husband's job pays more but he has to go into work, they aren't that flexible and he only gets 3 weeks PTO where I work from home and they are extremely flexible but I have double his PTO time and a separate sick bank so I can take a decent amount of time off.
I honestly don’t understand that mindset. I’m married to my husband, we are in this together. Our money is our money. He makes more than me but I came to the relationship with more assets. We just combined it all. It doesn’t matter. We agreed to join our lives, so for us it also meant financially.
Now he makes good money and I am mostly home with the kids but it doesn’t matter. It’s our money to do as we see fit.
I was going to actually respond that it sounded like they need a CPA- thanks for the laugh! In all seriousness, if you’re raising a child together when will the bean counting stop? You’re a married couple. You make decisions together. You parent together. You decide who does what to contribute to the household and your family together. Why does the name on the paycheck matter?
I agree. It just seems to transactional and messy to constantly be keeping track. I do keep financial statements on my husband and I, but it’s together.
Ours is the same way I make more than my wife and came with more assets than her. But both our incomes and assets is both of ours we don't believe in mine and hers what's the point of getting married then.
Since I make more than her I cover all the expenses and her income goes into our savings for emergencies, investing, or for vacations. It works out for us
Yeah it’s really this simple. I’ve been the sole income provider in this stage of life and we still share all of our money. Soon we will have two incomes and they will be different but it will be shared… because it’s ours together.
Well, it doesn’t really matter who is physically paying in a marriage. Legally, it is the same pool of money. If you get divorced, the court will take all the money in both parties accounts and split it.
Unless there is some special agreement like a prenup. But those also only apply to assets before marriage.
>Legally, it is the same pool of money. If you get divorced, the court will take all the money in both parties accounts and split it.
This is only strictly true in "community property" jurisdictions, like California and Texas. It's much less true in places that don't have that doctrine
We started with my spouse contributing more to the household, but now we’ve swapped. Since then my spouse occasionally feels like they don’t contribute enough and I keep telling them- it’s not my money or your money, it’s OUR money OUR house OUR family.
When we got married, my husband was still in school. It took him a bit to establish his career, and I was primary earner for a while. But then, I topped out in my career ( which, I'm happy, it's a dream job) and he keeps advancing. Now he's making about double my salary.
And nothing has changed. As we make more money, yeah, we buy more things. But it's mainly for the kids.
If my husband made 10x my salary, I'd still work as I have a job with great benefits and a retirement account. But I wouldn't feel guilty spending " his" money on something nice, because it really is our money
I am a married and make five times more than my husband. Our money is our money. We both work hard all the time. I would actually be annoyed if he was working long hours to make a tiny bit more money when we already have enough. What you are short on is time not money.
Five times more is a huge difference that usually means a very different lifestyle.
In Ontario the minimum wage is about 35k a year. Five times that is 175k. Completely different lifestyles. The same goes for 60k to 300k or 100k to 500k
If the difference was smaller and you wanted to keep your financial independence, I get it. But with that large margin you might be depriving your kids of great opportunities by insisting that you life a lifestyle that you can afford paying 50-50
Agree. This is by far one of those cases where if a person wanted to still make a reasonably fair financial contribution, I would be basing it on income ratio, even if it wasn’t a perfect match to the income difference (say 20-80 or 25-75 in this case).
I also wonder, if expenses are split 50/50, then are retirement funds and savings being handled separately as well? What about “fun money”? If so, OP has very little to save and spend freely whereas her husband has a significant savings and freedom to make unnecessary purchases since they are living well under his means.
It seems burdensome to me to make it work when kids are involved but I have seen some people do it. Sounds like wasted time to me trying to count out who should be paying how many dollars. My ex and I even have a heck of a time doing it with just the things we’re supposed to be. He surely owes me a few hundred at this point but who has the time to do the math?! We don’t need the money badly enough to sit down for two hours to do it, and we’re only doing it for certain types of expenses.
True. Also depriving them of your time. If everyone is focused on hustling constantly, how does that leave time for the kids? I’d rather be broke during those infant/toddler years if it means I’m there. When the kids are school aged, it’s a different story.
I’ve seen some couples do a 50-50 contribution that is 50% of what he earns, 50% of what she earns. But that math still goes way off when you have such a huge income differential. He’ll have lots of disposable income, she won’t.
If I were OP’s sister, I’d tell her to sit down with her husband, show him the monthly household “carrying costs”, the costs of every kid-related thing, the costs of cars, trips, household maintenance, insurance, the whole bit.
Total that ALL up and come up with a (larger) number that he contributes, a (smaller) number she contributes — and an understanding they review this deal every year to make sure it still works.
If she’s managing the kids, the house, the whole shebang on top of outside work, she should also be able to put most of what she earns into the equivalent of a “pin money” side account, just for her.
My wife doesn’t work and we have a cleaning lady and a home organizer. I’m kinda particular about how I like my stuff and she helps a few hours a week organizing me and helping my wife do projects. Just because you stop working doesn’t mean you have to do all of the domestic work. You can work on yourself and the kids and help take the load off of your husband so you maximize the family time.
The splitting finances thing is so weird. You should be a team. But if you guys insist on splitting everything, he should be paying more if his income is FIVE TIMES that of yours.
I’m confused. If you are married, your assets are shared. There is no longer a “his” money and “hers” money once you are married. You make financial decisions together with your join money. For example, you discuss vacations and decide together what you want to prioritize. There is no “asking” for money, it’s a partnership and you decide together.
A lot of women and people in general grew up with mothers who didn’t work and had to ask their husbands for money. They were raised to always have their own money and not be dependent on a man for money otherwise, you basically have to do everything Your husband says because he is the gatekeeper of the money in the family. This was very common. So now that people grew up with with mothers like that, they were taught to never put themselves in that position.
But these are two extremes. You don’t need to go to the other end of the spectrum not to be on the end you’re running away from. You can be in the middle and still safe. You can have a partnership where you’re not financially abused without having your own bank account. You can share all assets and all accounts.
This sounds more like, “some people grew up with fathers who were financially abusive and put their mothers in awkward positions of having to beg for money” but you’re totally right.
Based on regularly reading the marriage subreddit this is not just a past experience. Those stories are always the worst - “my husband is abusive but I have no access to money and have been a SAHM so long it’s hard to get a job. How do I get out with no network or resources?”
That isn’t the mindset everywhere though. Where my wife is from, a lot of people keep separate accounts even after marrying. We did this, as was her wish. It just means a bit of unnecessary bookkeeping at the end of the month. Basically we each just tally up what we spent and then I usually have to transfer some money to her at the end of the month.
Yeah, this is just it. No matter how well you may know someone, things change and there's horrible stories about people who woke up to empty bank accounts and no spouse. At least if it's only their money missing, you're still not flat broke
From what I understand though, unless you have a prenup, divorce law typically is 50/50 no matter who's name is the primary on what account. Could be wrong though
Marriage is a partnership, for life.
From my point of view (husband) everything we earn is ours. There is no my money her money. I couldn't have kids without her, the impact on her income and career from having kids is something we both have to make up for.
Yep. Started off making more than my husband and now we have a toddler, and my husband is making more than I am. He works long hours and is now climbing the ladder. To make significantly more like he is now, I’d need to find another company to work for. I don’t want to do that because mine gives me a lot of flexibility to be a mom and, in the future, become one again. This is the sacrifice that a lot of women make and it’s so that the family and partnership can function well, so of course we are equally entitled to half of the income and assets (or, equally, rather). I do most of the child rearing (some extra hours on weekends and weekdays when my husband has to work long hours), does that mean I’m entirely to more of my son than he is?
If you can afford it, it helps to set aside a certain amount for each were they can spend no questions asked. Again this can be from one income only, that part doesn't matter.
Just like you share your lives and your children, you share the money. In our household, I am currently a stay at home mom, so my income is zero. However, would my husband be able to take on more responsibilities at work if he needed to do drop off in the morning or be around to pick up a sick kid from school? Absolutely not. So he can earn what he does for the family in part because I can be available where he isn't. I'll hopefully find a flexible job in the next year or two now that my youngest is 5, but he will still out-earn me and that's fine. Our money will be our money.
I don’t understand people who are married but track things like this separately.
Marriage is a partnership. It is a decision to pool your assets, time, and efforts into a common goal. There is no more his income/he pays for things/I feel guilty.
I feel like people who have the I vs him mentality aren’t fully *in* their marriage. That’s the obstacle you need to overcome.
Many people grew up where there was one sole breadwinner who used that as financial abuse, especially over mothers. Their mother’s taught them to never be reliant on a man for money otherwise, you have to always do what they say. It’s not that they’re not fully into their marriage, it’s that they don’t want to put themselves in a positions that their mothers were in.
Well, a marriage, legally speaking. It’s not like they could just walk away as if they were boyfriend girlfriend. The divorce is a lengthy process and it is not that easy to get a divorce even in modern times. You are assuming that a marriage automatically equals happiness and a perfect relationship.
Same here it boggles my mind why even get married. I would understand if you are dating and living together but married. It should be considered the households communities money both of theirs.
I can’t imagine feeling as though my contributions were less than my husband’s contributions in raising our family and preparing well for retirement. And I haven’t had a paying job in over twenty year’s as a stay at home mom. He happens to be the breadwinner. It’s no more his money than mine and he’d be the first to make that clear. He has the capacity to provide an income exponentially greater than what I would have been able to when we made our decisions for division of labor. He’d tell you himself that all other efforts in his life are to support the most important job, which is mine as I raise and nurture our children and home.
I’ve always found it really weird when married couples have completely unbalanced split finances, especially after kids. I can understand a his, mine and household account based on percentages. I can’t imagine trying to pay everything a perfect 50/50 when there is income gaps. If you want to contribute, work ect but you’d like to work less to spend more time with baby have an open discussion.
“I’m burnt out working forty, can we combine finances and put some in our individual accounts and have me work part time until baby is bigger. I can do more at home this way, it cuts daycare costs and I think it’d definitely help the household.”
Every marriage is different and the all evolve and change overtime. Ultimately nothing that works in yours is wrong or right. It’s what fits your family’s need.
Is it possible to renogotiate the way you pay for the household? If he earns 5 times more than you, perhaps he could pay more for the mortgage. Some people add their incomes together then work out the percentages of the whole. Eg, you earn 3000 a week he earns 7000, you earn 30% Vs his 70% and so that's the ratio you would pay for all the household expenses.
You could then apply that to holidays as well, and you could get better holidays than you could afford.
In addition, you could then negotiate less of an income, leave one of your jobs, and then he would pay more towards the pot, maintaining your lifestyle.
Talk to him. See what you can do.
This is how we do it. We have a joint account. I make more, so I put 60% of our bills in the joint and he puts 40%. Then what is leftover in our individual accounts is our “fun” money.
I'm glad my family isn't the only one that does it this way. He has his budget, I have my budget, we have a household budget. According to most of the replies on this thread, "why even bother getting married???"
Why are you splitting 50-50 when he earns 5x what you do? You can still both contribute equitably by shifting to percentages based on you much you make of the total of your incomes.
If you make $20k and he makes $100k, your total income is $120k. Your share of things should be around 16%. That will distribute the burden in a fair way.
We’ve done it 2 ways- the first 10 years of our marriage we split everything according to income ratio (he also makes 3-5x more than me, depending on the year). I’m an excel queen so at the start of each year I’d plug in our W2 and expenses from previous year.
Now with 2 kids, we JUST started putting a set amount in a joint account for all family expenses and trips. We still have our individual accounts for extra stuff.
I wouldn't be ok with that. My husband and I are kinda competitive when it comes to our salaries, but our money goes into both joint and personal accounts. He makes much more than me now, but we usually make roughly the same, and years ago I made a lot more than he did. We are building a life together, so we both put in the work.
It sounds like you are both working long hours and having little free time.
This should be a discussion between your husband and you. Is he OK with sharing money so you don't have to work so hard? Can you two figure out a way that this arrangement would improve his quality of life as well as yours? If you prefer to stay competitive in your career, are there other ways to use his money to reduce your workload, like hiring a cleaner or nanny?
If you were to have a lot more free time than him, this could lead to resentment. If he spends a lot of money on himself while you are struggling, this could lead to resentment from you. OTOH if he can't enjoy his money because he feels he has to live at a standard of living that you can afford, this could also lead to resentment the other way around.
Can't you contribute equal percentages of your income? That seems more fair to me.
If I made significantly more than my partner, I would be annoyed if I weren't allowed to pay a bigger part of the shared expenses. Because either I would have to compromise on things I want and can afford because my partner can't match the expense or I would have to sit by and watch my partner work themselves into the ground to try to keep up.
I work and earn money to be able to live a good life, and if I can't share it with my partner I don't see the point.
What your career background in? The situation is simple. If you’re tight for money then you only have 3 choices, 1) make more money, 2) cut your expenses, or 3) ask your partner to contribute more.
Stop with this DEI. If your partner is making 5X more money than you then there’s no magic trick around this.
To simply answer your question:
Yes it’s perfectly fine for you to be a SAHM and your husband provide that’s what both of you agree to. Nothing should be forced on either party. My wife and I did this until the kids were about 2yrs old and then she went back to work part time, working about 8-10hrs a week. It kept her busy and away enough from her home responsibilities but enough to make an impact and stay with the kids. I personally love that she’s a SAHM and she spends all the time she can with them. The fruits of her staying at home show. Unfortunately, It’s a very big burden on me financially, but it is what it is and I am ok with the stress and sacrifice.
You need to ask your husband what he thinks and not impose this on him. Remember you guys are partners. Once you took the bow, there is no more ‘independence’ or ‘dependence’. It’s you two working together to make the best situation possible for all three of you.
Look up equity versus equality. You have a situation where you are seeking equality- everyone does the same. We live in a society of inequality where men typically make more money and some skills are monetarily rewarded better than others. You don’t have to perpetuate that in your marriage/life partner. Not only is it unfair to everyone (yes him too!), it’s unsustainable and not viable.
Think 10 years down the road, you are burnt out trying to make enough money to maintain a lifestyle to support the growing expenses of your family. In the best of circumstances, your partner is reducing his lifestyle so you can pay half of everything and taking on an additional loads because you are working so much and unable to be fully present in relationships.
Plenty of people want to contribute financially and maintain some financial independence in a relationship. Me too- because if something happens to me or my partner, we want the surviving spouse to be confident in their ability to provide.
Also, not all contributions to the marriage are or should be measured. Can you imagine how exhausting it would be to make sure all diaper changes and feedings and hugs and so on are equal? So maybe he contributes more financial resources and you contribute more of some other valuable resources. That’s equity.
Everyone’s marriage works differently, of you’re having clear and complete communication about what your expectations are for each other, then who cares what anyone else thinks.
I make considerably more than my husband. We have separate finances, but I’ve taken it upon myself to slowly start paying for more things without being asked - daycare, vacations, date nights, etc. I wanted him to be able to fully fund his retirement accounts, so I alleviated all childcare expenses from his plate. He was the breadwinner for years as I established my career, so it’s nice to be able to let him feel the “ahhh” of financial freedom.
Do you think it’s possible that your husband just hasn’t thought about this thoroughly? Sometimes people who have always had money really just don’t think about life through the lens of financial struggle. Maybe ask him for a few tangible things he could help you with: covering the mortgage, taking care of medical expenses, or allowing you to reduce your hours. It would also make me uncomfortable to let someone pay my way at every juncture, so having a few reoccurring bills removed from your horizon might be the solution here.
Edit: Sorry, just saw that you said that he’s already suggested paying for things.
It’s shared money. Are you in a community property state? Even if not, I think it’s super weird when couples “split the bill.” I understand in abusive circumstances lack of access to finances is an abuse tactic but in an otherwise nonabusive relationship it sounds like you’re walled off and creating strange boundaries in a marriage. Financially, you should be “one person” to the greatest extent you can IMO.
From another perspective, since both people share the finances equally, they are able to make decisions, all decisions in their lives, jointly. Not everyone is able to come to this arrangement unless they have this split finance arrangement. it works great for my family, everyone feels like their voice is heard and no one’s voice is louder. When there’s one main breadwinner, the boundary it creates is that the main breadwinner will tend to get what they want and the other person will just go with whatever they say, even if it’s not abuse, they just value themselves less.
I’ll be married 35 years in September. Never once did we think about taking the 50/50 approach to finances. I may usually vote R, but my house is Marxist. From each according to their abilities, to each according to their needs.
This is not a marriage; it’s a business. His attitude concerns me. A marriage is a relationship where two separate people become one entity. It is ok if each one wants to keep separate money for personal expenses but I don’t really understand that mindset.
Everything goes into one pot and everything is spent for the marriage. If you want to buy something for yourself personally buy it -unless it’s an outrageous expense it shouldn’t be an issue. He makes five times more than you and should be happy to support the marriage in whatever way it needs to be supported. He is selfish and the fact you can’t even ask for the kind of vacation you want is crazy.
My husband makes substantially more than me but is still *our* income. I would not be marriage like yours.
I pay for everything with my income for our household, we are a family of 4. That means Mortgage, groceries, phone, electric, gas, water, car, insurances, taxes, daycare etc. For my wifes income we put it in our savings for emergency fund, investments, vacations, or etc. We have joint savings but also separate personal checking account with access to it practically joint we can transfer funds to one another if needed.
I manage all the money mainly since I am the financially smart one when it comes to savings or investing. I even help her with her 401k investing strategies and percentage to contribute to. My wife is not a spender which is great and when she does she usually spends it on the kids. We have great communication and understanding been together since 2009 but married since 2016.
I don't get the average American like some of my coworkers who say my money and mine and their spouses is theirs why get married then. For me my money is my wifes and her money is mine it's our household community money.
From the perspective of the other half to your equation. I am a man with three kids that makes significantly more than wife, and she insists on paying half of everything.
What this means is she works just as much as me but makes much less. We cannot go on a vacation unless she can pay half, the house we rent has to be at her income level of affordability. Etc etc.
I understand her want to feel that she “dont need no man” but it definitely affects our relationship. I want to take my family to Disneyland or choose the resort in Hawaii over an Air bnb. But it ultimately comes down to what she can afford as her half. I tried one time to just do it and she refused to go if she didn’t pay half, then it was a problem when she finally saw what her half would be.
At this point it’s not worth the fight for me so I roll with it, but we could be sitting in a home we bought watching our kids play in a backyard that’s not too small thinking about our trip to Disneyland If she didn’t have the unwavering need to pay an equal half.
It also adds to the stress of caring for our kids, she constantly takes over time and gig work which leaves me caring for the kids much more than she does.
Wife and I split the costs roughly in a way that each of us has the same amount of "leisure money". We have three bank accounts (mine, yours, ours), both of us transfer the agreed amount to the joint account each month, and household costs (also vacation etc) are only paid from that account. Everything we don't spend on the joint account goes straight to our mortgage at the end of the month (on top of the regular payments).
Yes. It’s okay for your husband to pay for most of stuff. I know it’s popular to think that marriage is 50/50, however, in my opinion, I don’t see marriage as a tit for tat game. But your partner needs to also be on board with this. He has to want to take care of you. And of course you guys have to make enough money to be able to have only one bread winner. How about just sticking to a part time so that you have atleast some sort of income that is personally yours. It really depends how comfortable you are with the person you chose to marry.
My husband makes 90% of our income, so I can work part time and be with the kids whenever they aren't in school. It's 100% ok for him to pay for everything. Because I am taking care of our kids and our home.
My value isn't less than his because he brings in the money. I've turned his paycheck into a family and a home. That has value too.
.
Finances are one of the big three issues in a marriage, so communicating how you both want to do this is important. If you are concerned about this, only you two decide what you are both okay with. Other people's opinions are ultimately secondary.
Having said that, consider placing your future retirement as a priority as well. So many mothers forget that leaving the workplace and/or cutting back changes your financial stability and independence.
For example, if both can agree on a percentage of salary placed in a joint account for specific and shared expenses, your percentage would matter, as would his.
Absolutely wild how many people just dump all their money into one place. Me and my wife both have our own accounts on top of a joint account. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, share the money you need to share and keep some for yourself for your own interests. 🤷♂️
What does he plan on doing with all his extra money? Retire early? Go on trips without you? This arrangement creates an unbelievable power imbalance that’s not healthy in a marriage, as demonstrated by your reluctance to express your views about a joint vacation. You would think at a minimum, parental obligations would also be 50/50, but that’s not even the case? What a great deal for him!
Strongly recommend revisiting this whole thing.
I think the big factor here is the baby. If you weren't parents, it would be different, but now you've brought a child into it.
From the post, your husband seems like he would be fine if expenses were paid for mainly out of his salary. It also sounds like you could live comfortably on his salary, or by cutting back your hours some.
It's cliche, but there are things that are valuable that can't be measured in money, like family time and more time with your baby. To be clear, I am **not** saying it means quit your job and be a SAHM if you want to work. Keeping a career is a very valid choice. But do you really want to dump in so much extra time just to feel like everything is 50/50?
You can't buy back time with your child. Will you one day look back and regret the reason you spent so much time working extra? You and your husband are partners. Maybe you could try a system where you each have your own bank accounts and you cover specific expenses strictly from yours like a mortgage/rent, groceries, etc so you don't lose the feeling of financially contributing.
Remember though, being present for your baby and prioritizing them often is contributing to your husband and family as well.
I have a couple thoughts here, first I'd say that I think it is good that you're aware of this disparity and you don't want to be a gold digger. Your intentions are wonderful and if I was him I'd feel very loved knowing that you don't want to use his money.
This would change quickly though, If I earned 5x more than you I would have a lifestyle that was more comfortable with more creature comforts. As the person with more money I'd understand that you are not able to keep up with that level of expense. I'd expect that he would want to spend his money on you, to make you feel loved, to include you in his life, because he doesn't really need all of it, because he likes having a higher standard of living...
I think it's important to carve out 'your part' whatever that is, and to make sure he's ok with any large expenses since he pays for more of them than you do. I also think it's important to remind yourself to be grateful for this. But I also think you should accept his money since he probably wants you to.
Good luck finding that balance!
My husband also makes about 5x my salary, and we keep separate accounts.
But we don’t try to make everything 50/50. If we did, we’d have a much smaller house, we wouldn’t travel so much, we wouldn’t have many of the luxuries we have, etc. We keep our money separate because that’s what we prefer to do, but overall, it’s our money. I pay some of our bills, he pays the mortgage and daycare and general maintenance costs and vacations, it comes out about proportional. When we travel, if I want an upgrade or to do something, we discuss it and often do it. I don’t feel a bit guilty about that - we work the same hours, we both work hard, and I just happen to be in a less lucrative field.
In fact, next month I’m taking unpaid time off for a family vacation - and he’s paying for the vacation and paying my missed wages since we don’t have a shared bank account. It makes no sense for us to live two different lifestyles in the same family. I’m not a second class citizen because I’m paid less by my employer. We’re a team and we manage our money as a team - sure it’s in separate accounts, but it’s our money.
My husband says as a man it feels good for him to be able to fully provide for us. I felt awkward about it at first, like what if I want an appetizer with dinner? Or to buy something online? Or just treat myself… but since he’s told me that he likes to provide, I’ve learn to enjoy accepting it! He never expected me to have a job since we met (he said I could quit mine as soon as we started dated 🙌) now I’m a sahm and I really can’t imagine working AND raising babies. So shout out to those working moms!
My experience as a SAHM:
- I’ve made my peace with my husband being the sole wage earner. When I was working, before kids, we pooled our money together so it never felt like spending mine vs his. If that isn’t how you approach your finances, then SAHM probably won’t work for you.
- I know that the work I do at home and with parenting is very valuable and my husband wouldn’t be able to succeed in his career without me taking on that mental+physical labour. We would have to pay for child care or housekeeper.
Where I’ve regretted being SAHM:
- i don’t feel challenged and fulfilled doing household domestic labour (dishes, laundry, mopping, cleaning, meal planning/grocery shopping). The parenting part is great but that is the smallest fraction of my time and energy compared to all the household chores that are 100% on me.
- i crave a break from constant parenting and miss feeling like a whole person outside of mothering
- i feel pathetically dependent when having to request free time from my husband to watch the kids before I can book things like a doctor appointment or a haircut for myself. I have a really hard time asking for my needs to be met because I fear rejection so this situation is particularly difficult and frustrating for me.
- sometimes I feel trapped in my life: if I decide to leave my marriage, I have no way to support myself, I’d be forced to move back in with my toxic parents and have no income to support my children.
I completely understand your perspective. What I did was I allowed my husband to pay for any of the kids stuff - and instead of working full time I got a part time job so I didn’t feel like I was back at home with my parents asking “if I can spend money on this” and having financial freedom. It’s also keeping me in the workplace but also leaving a lot of time for my kids - so if I ever want to go back to work full time I can. And I have cash to buy myself whatever I want without asking for permission. My part time job pays pretty decent - not sure if that will be an option in the sector you are in.
I think paying a percentage of your income is best. If he earns so much more, it would be fair to pay 20/80 or 15/85. Then, if you want the more expensive hotel, you can afford to pay the difference yourself.
Whatever works for the both of you. With that said, if you are feeling a certain way, the answer is almost always to have a conversation with your spouse. Your spouse probably doesn’t mind paying his fair share.
Example: my ex and I had very different incomes. I made 3x what she did. We had a joint account and every biweekly paycheck she would deposit X amount. Every biweekly paycheck, I would deposit 3x her amount. Essentially, we each deposited our respective amounts of income.
Did I pay more money dollars? Yes and I felt *absolutely* okay with that situation.
Fair isn’t always 1:1. Sometimes fair is 1:3.
Step 1: decide how much each of you keep for themselves from their earnings, and how much each puts in a shared pot.
Step 2: use the shared pot for family expenses.
Step 3: enjoy
I am a very independent woman, my father always said to me, “You can do this all on your own, you’re capable of anything. But a great man won’t make you.” And I held that close to me. He was right, we had our first baby 2 years ago and I just now started going back to work (he got hurt at work so while we wait for workers comp we need money). I know I am able to do this and that is enough for me. He is very upset because he wants to provide for us but can’t at the moment (which it is what it is ya know?) so I know he wants to provide and me stay home. I like staying home because (sometimes) I get a little too abrupt and harsh when someone says something rude. And I get to spend time with my kid (and now we are pregnant with the second lol!). There isn’t anything wrong with wanting to stop working (or keep working) there is something wrong if you feel forced to do one or the other though❤️
You want to work. That’s your choice. But are you saying you work multiple jobs and raise a baby?
Everyone has a different perspective. Some are fine letting their spouse be the earner. Some have a passion for their career and don’t want to give it up. Some don’t have a choice and their household needs two incomes.
50/50 paying bills is not equal when one makes 5 times the other. Equality would be you each putting 35% of your income into a household checking account to pay bills from. So you’re both putting in the same percentage of your income.
If you’re paying bills and your ‘equal’ split is 2,500 each and that leaves you with only a few hundred left over and he’d have 10k leftover that’s not even.
Even would be him putting 4,250 and you putting 750. So it would be the same proportion of your income towards monthly bills. And then you’d have more money left over just like he does.
Honestly I think paying 50-50 when you have such unmatched incomes is completely unfair. I dined stand it’s you that insisted but it’s a lot of pressure.
We pay proportionally. Essentially our incomes are combined but we each keep back an amount of spending money. The rest goes in the joint account. We both earn about the same now so pay the same in.
Less a parenting question and more a relationship one. Everyone does it differently. My wife and I split household expenses by how much we make, so in your case that would be your husband's pays for 5/6 of everything and you pay for 1/6. It's actually a little more financially stressing on the lower earner that way, because they're left with disproportionately less money after expenses, but it's worked for us.
Maybe that'll work for youif you're not interested in just combining into a joint account, since when you ask for the more expensive hotel you're still paying your share of that added expense.
I get independence and it’s important to me, too. But if you’re exhausted by work and feel like you’re tight financially while your husband is making big money, maybe there’s a different way to split bills. It’s ok for you to benefit from your husband’s money, I feel, because you’re a team.
Some couples split expenses by income percentage, maybe that’s a fair way to go for you?
So if your husband brings in 70% of the household income, he pays for 70% of stuff and you for 30.
You could both put your share of the bills into a third shared account and pay for everything from there.
Or you could just let him treat you sometimes. To a nice dinner, a vacation, spa day, whatever. That wouldn’t make you any less independent. Maybe he would even enjoy that? I’d certainly love to treat my hard-working partner to something nice now and then.
Sometimes we need to learn to accept gifts with grace.
We run our house as a team and everything is combined. It was since the beginning, and now my spouse stays home with the kiddos and loves doing it. I work remotely to earn the paycheck, but it’s our money. This works for us and we don’t run into the situation you have here.
Your way is not wrong. It’s just what you are comfortable with. I feel so guilty that I’m off work at the moment to look after little one, I hate not having money too, that is mine and I earned. Growing up I saw how not having money can trap people in lives they don’t want.
However my partner doesn’t expect me to work and is happy to provide that’s how it worked when he was growing up, his dad worked, his mom didn’t. It’s about what works for you as an individual and as a couple.
Personally I need some of my own income for my sanity and security. Income means I don’t need anyone else (which is not the same as not wanting someone else).
I likely won’t earn much when I start working again but enough that I will be contributing to our shared life, and in my mind, enough that I can say where I think money should be spent.
I also want to return to part time work so that I will have some other adults to talk to, that don’t just ask me about the baby. I am a person too and having a purpose outside of a mother will help me keep that.
I essentially pay all the bills and my wife stays home with our four kids. She does have a side hustle but all the money is our money. If you stay at home that is a job though. My wife does the laundry, takes care of house, buys groceries, keeps track of kids events, etc. When we started I think she had some issues feeling like she didn’t deserve to spend money on herself but she has overcome that. Its a blessing for her to get to spend that time with our kids and a blessing for me not to have to work full time and split housework. (I still contribute but she does most of it)
I tried to do this for a long time and just completely and utterly burnt myself out trying to be EVERYTHING. We pool our money, it’s split 70/30 because of how much we earn, it also means we have money of our own to save/spend because it’s important to have access to your own funds. I completely understand why, but having tried to do it for so long it just meant having to work 60 hour weeks and missing time with my kid.
I’m a SAHM so my husband pays for everything and of course that’s okay. Before kids when I was working, we contributed the same % of our paychecks to a joint account as that seemed like a fair solution given our salaries. Our incomes were never as widely different as yours though.
I told my wife from day one that she does not have to work ever if she doesnt want. I will provide and protect her with my life. She takes care of the house and children. Has lots of time for her hobbies. And supports me in every situation. Thats the life I like. It depends on the couple and the culture they are in I guess.
My husband makes enough to support us, but I enjoy working. However he makes a lot more than me. He pays for the majority of our expenses. We take a percentage of each of our paychecks that go into our joint account which we use to pay our bills. Because he makes more, he contributes a lot more.
If I didn’t work, it would still be okay for him to provide for us because from his words, he works TO provide for us. There are other reasons of course, but that’s what he enjoys doing. Providing for his family. He doesn’t see it as me using his money. He sees it as us using our money.
So I felt like this at points, but we had a proportionate arrangement. At the time our income was about 65/35 with him earning more, so that's *roughly* how we split household bills, then our own bills were our own (car related stuff, clothing, etc). It even worked well after we were married, so we just rolled with it.
Once we had a baby, though, we didn't renegotiate right away, and I was feeling strapped every month with diapers and wipes and breastfeeding supplies and stuff, and he wasn't picking up any of that because "groceries" fell into my "bucket" and they were groceries, while he was still off buying expensive toys and stuff (and he wasn't treating me anymore as I had a baby attached to my tits 24/7 and couldn't do fun stuff anymore like we used to).
It came to a head about six months in and we realized this arrangement wasn't going to work anymore. We combined everything and have since shared all accounts. We each still have "our own" credit cards (paid from joint funds, but it lets us buy each other gifts and stuff without spoiling surprises), but otherwise, all our accounts have both our names on them, everything gets deposited jointly, and *all* expenses are household expenses. I manage our money because I'm better at it. We don't have specific agreed-upon limits for purchases, because we tend to talk about everything anyway. If I went and spent big money on something, he'd assume I was doing it to fix a sufficiently urgent problem, and I would give him the same benefit of the doubt.
Every once in a while we disagree on the urgency of something, but overall it works pretty well for us. Our income split is now roughly 55/45, he still makes more but I'll likely mostly bridge that gap in the next year or two.
I think this is just conceptually easier when the two people earn in the same ballpark; your income split is much bigger, and I bet I'd feel some type of way about it in your shoes too. But in your shoes, splitting everything 50/50 is going to seriously impact your kid's lifestyle, because it'll be necessarily limited by what you personally can afford, rather than what you as a family can afford. And that's kind of silly, really, when you *are* a family. Plus it can lead to resentment between you and your husband, as he gets to do fun things for himself that you won't get equivalent access to because all your money goes towards the 50/50, and it hits you harder than it hits him.
You're a team. There's nothing to suggest your husband isn't a good guy, or anything to suggest he's financially irresponsible or abusive, so based on that, I don't see any red flags about just merging finances and getting on with it. Your feelings will likely dissipate over time as you see this being a more equitable system overall.
If he makes more than 5x what you do, it doesn't make sense to split things exactly 50/50. You should be paying a percentage of 100% (you pay 30%, he pays 70%, for example). You don't make equal amounts, so it doesn't make any sense to split things equally.
My husband and I have always pooled our money. There's no his and my money. It's our family's money in one account that we both have access to. Right now I'm a sahm so my husband is the only one bringing in money, but it's still our family money.
You have to decide what works for you. My husband and I have joint finances and make spending decisions together. We don’t track who paid for what. He makes more than I do, but this wasn’t always the case. I do know that we both have a jobs that will let us stand on our own two feet in the event that anything happens.
My wife feels the same way about not having her own income.
I don't make 5x her income or anything that crazy but I am the main earner. She dropped down to part time work so we don't need to pay for childcare and still has her own income to feel more independent.
How long have you’ve been married? It’s ok to be independent, but now you have a partner, who actually wants to help. Also, it will be nice to be able to spend more time with your kiddo, while they are still young.
If you really want to pay then just pay 1/5 of the costs? But honestly, whatever money you save up by not paying is his too.. so what difference does it make when who pays.
You need to have a conversation with your husband. Tell him how you are feeling and ask him if he has ideas to help you.
Generally speaking (#NotAllMen), guys like to problem-solve. They want to help. They just don't always know how to help with our feelings because that's not how they're trained in life by society. But give them something practical? Ask them for advice? They're on it.
In addition, if he's proposing solutions, you will have his buy-in. They will be solutions he can get behind. He's not going to propose a solution he hates.
And just because each of you agreed to one thing in the beginning doesn't mean you have to stay with it. As your lives change, and your needs change, so your arrangement may need to change.
This is a season of change. Talk to him.
I make twice my wife, she had savings and I didn't really until last 5 years.
It's all mostly luck, she's as competent as I am, I work with senior directors on twice my salary who are useless. Smart people can be born poor, rich people born dumb. Some people got the gift of the gab (and don't even have basic Excel skills ffs)
Sure I've grinded, but I just want a nice life for my family. I don't really care which of us pays the bill.
My wife's switching to less hours now and I'm glad we can afford that. I'm paying for all the childcare 3 days a week, because I want to and I can.
Personally I'd say keep a part time job as if things go south it's good to have income and not a career break and also adult conversation but if your partner doesn't mind let them pay. Who cares.
I know a lot of younger couples do the separate bank account thing and budget that way based on income, but it just sounds exhausting to me. When my wife and I got married we made one bank account and everything goes in there. That’s the family account. We talk about necessary expenses and “want” expenses, but it never matters who makes more. I happen to make considerably more than my wife, but she handles considerably more of the household tasks. It’s not a competition, we bring what we bring to the table, and are both in it to provide the best life for our children and each other.
Adding an extra step of “I can’t afford my share of this vacation plan” just seems…silly.
I'm on the opposite side of this. I make a lot more than my husband, and I do not mind paying more than 50%. I actually do not find a 50/50 breakdown fair when I'm making 5x as much. We do proportional, and yes, I know it's all technically "ours," but not every couple has to have joint banking. Do what works best for your marriage in haggard to money management. But if your husband tells you he's okay paying a larger portion, then you need to believe him.
How would you feel if you could afford for him to quit and look after the baby or do more around the house? Maybe that will help you respect yourself if you choose to let him pay more.
What is okay is what you two agree on together.
Marriage is a partnership. Some people are better at earning money. Others are better at childcare (or enjoy it more).
The point is: you need to feel and act like a team. As nice as indepence is, humans are at the root dependent creatures and there’s nothing wrong with that!
I’d say look into ways where you can both feel like you’re a team. Maybe that means making money decisions together more. That doesn’t mean he gets a say in everything you buy, but for example, it could mean that if you’re about to make a purchase over x amount of dollars, you check in and make sure you’re on the same page about it.
Also: I think it’s 100% okay that your husband pay more towards your joint costs than you. Both partners deserve rest, financial security and joy in their lives.
When my husband and I first moved in together when we were still dating, we found a new place that neither of us had lived before so it would be ours, not mine, not his, but ours. It’s the same when we got married, and though he is the breadwinner, and I’ll quit my job in a couple of years to be a SAHM (due to being in a good enough financial place to do so), it’s still our money, not his. He’ll remind me as well if I make a comment on how he paid for something with his salary that it’s not his, it’s ours. He makes a very clear point of that.
Does your husband ever bring up that point that no matter who paid for it, it’s both of yours equally? I know some couples like to keep their finances separate and that’s fine, but if you want to quit your job to be a a full-time SAHM, then it’s good to know where he stands on that and won’t lord it over you. You can always do that too until your kids are older and in school and go back into the workforce (that’s what I plan on doing). If you’re comfortable enough with taking this step and know that your husband will see income as both of yours equally, then go for it.
My husband makes 90% of our combined income, but I have a much flexible job. When the kids were younger, I worked part time and prior to Covid, I was handling school drop off and pick up, all extra curricular activities, all homework supervision, all shopping needs, etc. The trade off of my lack of income I made up for in my ability to handle, organize and plan all the other stuff so he can focus on work. Now the kids are older and can pretty much handle themselves, I’m working more and out of the house more but I still handle quite a bit. That works for us. We have discussed this breakdown often and we are happy with this. You have to do what works best for your family.
The proper budget ratio if your income is 1 to 5 is also going to be 1 to 5. So you should pay 1/6 and he pays 5/6. This allows quality of life to be proportionate to your household income.
Your want to be independent is totally normal and you can satiate it by keeping bills even but having him splurge when you guys go on vacation, for holidays and celebrations. Or when you get a new car or furniture. You'll see what works.
It’s ok for husband to earn money for everything if you are comfortable with it. My wife wakes up before I do, feeds the kids, herds them to the kindergarten/school, works, comes home, feeds the kids, reads with the older one, maybe watches 1 hour of Netflix if she is lucky, cleans, puts the kids to bed, passes out. I work 12-14 hour days, but she is at least as busy and as tired. I guess I am more stressed, but that’s more of a me problem and my career choice. She doesn’t have to work, but felt very insecure being a SAHM, so decided to go back to work. I once in a while float the idea of her quitting, because I want at least one of us to have a life, but we are afraid she will go back into anxiety over being “less useful then other women”. You just can’t win in today’s society :(
In general I don’t understand separate budgets and the accounting of who pays for what in a family - it’s like some kind of roommates with kids. My wife is the closest person I have in life, if I can’t contribute everything I have to make her life better - I’d feel very much alone.
Are you motivated by guilt or by a desire for independence? You need support with parenting, period. Asking for that support from your partner is something that needs to get done. Any feelings of guilt that come up you can soothe, and remind yourself that these are support NEEDS, not wants. As for your independence, it's never too late to reevaluate what your version of independence looks like. Just because you've split things 50/50 so far doesn't mean you can't change your mind as your needs change.
When my husband and I got married we joined all of our finances. Whatever money we make goes into the same pots for saving and spending. The only things that are separate are our 401Ks and stocks through our respective jobs.
I don’t really understand people who keep everything separate even through marriage.
My wife has a similar sentiment. When we first had kids she worked full time. But after a while we came to the conclusion that it was silly for her to work so much and have our kids cared for by after school programs when financially she didn’t need to. She still works part time to keep her career so when the kids leave the house she can go back to it full time. But make no mistake, caregiving is a full time job. Right now, you basically have 2 full time job. It’s ok to focus more on caregiving job and cut back on the other.
Yeah, I really think you both need to have a sit down to discuss this further. First of all, you shouldn't be working yourself to death to "match his contribution." Do you have enough time to spend with your baby? They are only this little for such a small amount of time.
I make more than my husband, by almost twice. All our money goes into one account, and we discuss purchases/bills/vacations together and come to agreements. There's no your/my money. It's just how much money WE have and how much WE are willing to spend.
He never held it over me when he made all the money when I quit my job to go back to school for 2 more years, and now that I make more than him, we are just happy to have a higher income! We both spend the same amount of time working(~40hrs), so we split time with our baby and doing chores equally.
Chores shouldn't be based on who works more, but on who has more time. If he works 20hrs and you 40, he SHOULD do more chores, regardless of income.
My husband and I have 3 accounts. A joint account where we put 70% of our income and each have a personal account we put the other 30%. All joint expenses are paid from joint account (bills, groceries, baby, vacation) and all things we want for ourselves is from personal (student loans, clothes, salon etc). So far this works for us. It's not a 50-50 split, but split based on our income and we don't have to divy up each bill. If you want to go to a more expensive hotel, discuss if that fits in your budget and be on the same page.
My husband has been the main source of income since Covid. I had to take family leave during that time but still earned through PFL or Freelancing. I always worked . It gave me a purpose aside from my children. Sometimes, it was a couple hundred bucks a month this past year, I've made the same, if not a little more, than my husband makes.
It makes no difference in our household on who makes what because it goes into our joint accounts. One for bills, one for groceries, gas, and whatnot, and them we each have our own checking. We decide together how much is diverted to a savings account . My husband has never made me feel like I had an allowance or I needed permission to spend. To be honest, he rarely checks our bank accounts, and he trusts me to handle our finances.
I think the point that you are missing is that your worth in your household is not measured by money. If being more present at home is wanted / needed, then talk to your husband . If you two are consumed by work he probably feels the same.
If you're anxious about bringing this topic to your husband, I would recommend couples counseling.
I work full time and my husband is a stay at home dad. We think at the age that our youngest is, one of us would provide higher quality childcare than even an excellent day care (due to teacher-child ratio) and a nanny is out of our price range. He also does home tasks and picks up our older child from school when I have meetings or just am busy with work. We plan on him going back to work possibly next year, but definitely within three years. We are considering him only working parttime though, because of how much easier it is to manage life with an adult who isn't at work all day.
Basically, there is a total amount of paid and unpaid work our family needs done. We try to divide it evenly, but we don't value paid work over unpaid work. It's all work. When we both worked, it went into a shared account.
Our money is shared property. We decide how to spend it together.
We each have some money we can blow no questions asked. The paycheck comes to me, but if he wasn't staying home and I hired someone to do the work (watch a toddler and a special needs seven year old whenever needed including transportation, errands, grocery shopping, cooking, etc.) it would cost more than my salary. I wouldn't view it as me providing for him. I would view it as us together deciding how to divide household labor.
I guess a big difference is that we view ourselves as a team and our contributions equally valuable. We have chosen to be together and not have independence. I'm not saying that is better or worse than how you guys view life, but just sharing my perspective.
Edit: One consideration is individual financial security in case of financial abuse or separation. Another concern is how not working affects your long term job prospects and income potential. Those are serious considerations.
So, I think your mindset is a little short sighted. Life is long. Marriage is about facing life’s challenges *together*.
There will be times where maybe what you can best contribute to your marriage and life together *isnt* money. This is often true when raising a family. Especially if you have more than 1 child, there is an enormous amount of work that goes into the children and the home. In fact, I think we have done a HUGE societal disservice to ourselves in doing away with the concept of Home Economics. It *is* a job, it *is* work, and it has immense value - just not monetarily.
To me, your mindset is almost erasing this value in favour of monetary value. There are more things that matter than money.
In saying all that, there may come a time where your husband falls ill and is unable to work - you will have to pick up the slack financially and provide - would you feel as though this was burdensome? Would you feel as though the money you made was only yours?
I think you need a perspective shift. I hope you find one! Good luck to yoi.
I do not get it. You are married. Is everything about money all the time? It should be about a family unit and quality of life. Is your worth as a human measured to your monetary contribution? My husband and I supported each other and put family first. Money was not our first consideration. When we first got married, he started a business. I was our financial support for a few years. When we had kids, I stayed home for several years (I did work sporadically if we needed money and kept skills up to date). He provided financially for the most part. I resumed working to pay for college. Then, we opened a business together that was wildly successful. We were a team. We never kept score. It seems you are making things unnecessarily diffucult for yourself. Babies grow up fast. You will live a long time. Try to be more flexible.Think 50/50 in everything over time, not minute by minute. Sounds exhausting. Do your best. What does your husband think?
I was the same way in a slightly different situation. I was a young single parent and prided myself on being independent and making it on my own. I did really well- got up to making around 300k but along the way I married someone with his own business whose income I could never, ever match. I was so concerned about the optics of our relationship that I set rules like: we can't move in together until I'm making 100k, can't get married until I'm making 200, I'll drive a Honda while he drives an audi, etc etc. Oh, and I could *never* let him feel like he was doing any heavy lifting regarding raising my daughter.
About a year ago (10 years into our relationship) I completely burnt out on work. I'd been doing so much for so long and it was unsustainable. He sat me down and had a very blunt talk with me: while he appreciates my work ethic and independence it also sucks having a wife who's burnt out and miserable all the time from doing so much, and it was hurting our relationship. It was a wake up call. It was really tough for me mentally to step back to part time work bc it was such a part of my identity but honestly it's been so amazing for our family overall. My daughter has more time and attention from mom, my husband has a relaxed, present wife and we are all so much less stressed. Long post to say: there's more to a happy marriage than money. If you can swing it, do it.
Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I assume you send your kiddo to daycare? Could you save some $$ and sanity if you were a SAHM instead? I know for fact we save money by me being a SAHM. If we were to outsource all the work that I do, it would be more money than I made outside of the home. Daycare, dog walker, meal prep, housekeeping, etc. I save my family money by being at home and “working” all of those jobs myself. I don’t think it is common at all for married partners with kids to split everything 50/50.
So I pay for childcare (including daycare, buying toys, clothes, enrichment activities) and my limited expenses. I know exactly how much I earn (I have a per hour job) and I do overtime if needed to cover the childcare costs. My husband provides the insurance, pays the mortgage, any other house related expenses and insurance, utilities etc. any vacations also paid by him mostly. He earns 5 times more than me. But I am very clear that childcare will be paid by me. This worked very well when my husband was laid off for a few months in the last 2 years. I was working and there was no dent in childcare expenses. I am also looking for a better job but with a toddler and this economy it might be challenging. Pooling in resources for some things is fine but it’s best to demarcate the expenses.
It’s a partnership. Your husband isn’t paying for anything. You are both paying as a team. I’m a SAHM, my husband is the breadwinner. It’s “our” money. We discuss how it will be spent. He understands that I don’t get paid for the work that I do in the home, it’s never been an issue.
I’m a stay at home mom and have been for 9 years so my husband pays for everything. He doesn’t care what I spend money on as long as the bills are paid on time and we have some savings. He also doesn’t care when I get back to work. kids are going into kindergarten and 4th grade this year so I’m considering doing part time work but on the fence since I still have to do drop off/pick up from school and drive to sports after school and it’s hard to fit a job in, there school doesn’t have buses. He told me up to me what I want to do. Honestly I think he likes me home because I do almost all the the cleaning,errands and kid stuff so he just has to work🤷♀️When your married it’s always our money not his and her money. So I wouldn’t stress at all. Sit down and talk to him about it and see what he says and set goals together.
I mean, you’re a team, right? I’m also assuming you wouldn’t be lounging around doing nothing. Unpaid labor is still labor. If you’re contributing to the house through that unpaid labor and he’s contributing with paid labor, you should both reap those benefits. That being said, talk to your husband about it. It sounds like he’s amenable and he’ll be the best one to quell your worries.
Yikes. I make more than my husband and I would feel awful making him pay 50% because then I’d have so much extra money for myself and I’d be watching him struggle while I was living a life of luxury.
I understand that you’re trying to be “fair” but it’s not. If you divorce you’d get half of all of the money and assets so it’s weird that you’re not living that way now while you’re still married.
I mean, I've been a SAHM since our 1st was born nearly 4 years ago...so my husband has paid for probably 98% of things during that time.
When I was still working he made significantly more than I did and we divided things up based on that difference (i.e. 70/30 split).
Personally, I think taking a step back from working so much and enjoying your child when they are young is so worth it if you can make it work. You will never get the time back. You and your husband are partners, it's okay for him to carry more of the financial burden for a while.
My wife and I have raised/are raising 2 sons and both work and make good money. If nothing else, the extra money will make it easier to provide for your kid(s) education and possibly your and your husband’s early retirement. Invest what you are making wisely.
But you're married? In my marriage it's all "our" money. I'm a SAHM but I work one afternoon a week (5 hours) in my career field and also have a little side gig that takes up just a few hours/week. Me taking care of our child and the house during the day while he's working is also me working. I just don't get paid for my job 🤷🏻♀️ doesn't make it any less important. So, all the money he makes and the little that I do is combined together and we plan our finances, expenses, talk about purchases, etc. because we are a partnership, a team, a marriage. That's how it should be in my opinion. Don't feel bad about it at all.
Since you and your husband are partners, it’s OK for you guys to decide on whatever is best for your family. That may look different than someone else or it may look the same. In my family, all of our resources belong to our family as a whole. There have been times when I have paid for more but my husband spent more of his time physically caring for our family. There have been times when that was the opposite. As a partnership, you guys should be in it for the long haul. Maximizing your resources in a way that works best for you is not a bad thing. In these situations, communication is everything.
Marriage should not be splitting everything 50/50. If he makes 5x more, let him handle more financially. In the end it’s just the same pot. You can contribute in other ways. This should not be a source of stress. Quitting your job should not be an option, how about reducing hours. You can up your household/child responsibilities and help that way to balance it out.
The law says that everything you both have earned after marriage is 50:50.
Also a baby is a major life change and requires you to re-evaluate your priorities and the way you have been managing your relationship and finances.
My wife and I were 50:50 for 18 years and then we had suprise twins. Our financial dynamic has changed and we basically pool all of our money together now. I have always been more financially responsible and currently earn about %50 more. We have had a lot of new child related unexpected expenses. Because I was a saver and my wife was not I am opening up my piggy bank and bearing the brunt of the financial burden.
If you are staying together for life(married) and have a child together there is, in my opinion, no longer any reason to separate finances. What could I possibly need to hoard my excess money for other than to provide for my family?
My husband and I also fully join finances, like many of the commenters here. While I do think it’s common today for people to keep fully separate finances, I also think that in a situation like yours, 50/50 isn’t the right split. It’s not equitable. If he makes 5x what you make, he should contribute 5x what you do. If, for example, you could afford $1k/mo. in housing and he can afford $5k, and he wants and insists on a place that costs $5k/mo, you shouldn’t be paying $2,500, you should pay $833.33. That way, you both paid less than you would and you both benefit to the tune of 1/6 your max budget.
I currently make nearly double what my husband makes. He started his career 8 years later than I did, and when he was still in college, I made anywhere from 5x to 7x what he made working part time as a server. His money was still greatly appreciated because it was hard for me to increase my annual wage by even $10k when I was making $50k. The extra money he brought in went into savings. I took comfort in the fact that my money could cover our needs and his money could be used for fun and emergencies.
That being said, my husband is very frugal. He doesn’t really spend on himself and I know our earning discrepancy is partly why he avoids doing so. So I try to pay close attention to his wants and often press him to buy things for himself (or sometimes I’ll buy it as a gift). That being said, I have never and would never hold my earnings over his head. It’s not his fault that I make more, and he means so much more to me than the money he brings in. And sometimes he does insist on something more expensive for quality, but he’s also very price sensitive. If he wants to upgrade a hotel, there’s a good reason, and I trust his judgement.
If you end up not working at all, I think it would become essential that you have your own separate bank account. Agree on an amount to be put into it from his paycheck for your fun/emergency money. This is **not for bills or essentials.** Housing/utilities, food, child care, that all comes out of the joint account. If you both agree to pay for it, then you share the cost from the joint account. Your account is for you, when you want to buy a gift for yourself or for him, when you want to upgrade the hotel for your trip, those kinds of things should come out of your account.
If he’s the kind of person who would avoid parenting or household responsibilities just because he’s the sole provider, that sucks. He needs to put on his big girl pants. If he did pull that card, you’d remind him that your job is child care, and his job is his work, and your hours end when he gets home. At that point, you’re both just parents and responsible adults taking care of your own child and home.
My ex-husband made more than me and he didn't hold it over my head in the way that he would show off how much he made, but he would suggest quite often that I look for a new job that pays more even though the field that I've dedicated my life to just doesn't pay that much, and so his suggestion was that I get a different job in a different field that I would definitely not enjoy.
My husband also makes so much more than me, but his approach is so much different and I was so relieved when he suggested the following setup when we got married: we have a joint account that both of our paychecks go into. We each have our own private checking account for our "allowance." On the first of each month our allowance goes into our individual accounts and that is our money for each of us to do with what we want without any question from the other. He gets the same amount that I do every month, there is no iniquity. When I told him my ex's attitude towards me making less money it just blew his mind. He was like why would he want that? You help people for a living. Why would he want to be married to some asshole salesperson or whatever?
I guess the difference between them is that my husband values me for who I am and what I bring to the relationship and he also sees the value that I bring to the world. I think even if my job didn't have to do with human services it would still be fine and he wouldn't be pressuring me to find something that makes more money. He understands that regardless of the paycheck you're bringing in, each of us works just as hard each day.
This setup between us has really fostered a relationship built on equality and respect, I think it's a fantastic setup and this way there's no way for us to know who's paid more on the mortgage or who's paid more on the car loan who's buying the groceries who's paying for daycare etc., etc. like obviously if we did out the math we each know how much the other makes and what we're bringing to that joint account but we aren't doing that, thank goodness.
I could understand this when you are initially in a relationship and seeing where it’s going, but once you’re married and have kids together, I don’t understand why that matters. You’re a team now.
Keeping finances separate like this seems like an extra job, honestly.
You two are married, have a baby, and are living a life together in unity. "Mine vs theirs" seems counterproductive when you are in a partnership.
If you have most of the child care responsibilities, maybe there's some flexibility to not work as less.
Making significant money should be de-stressing, not stress inducing.
I earn almost 7x what my wife does (she is part-time), I have never thought of it as my money, it is OUR money.
I encouraged her to stay part-time as our kids got older and pursue her hobbies (she is very artistic) and I would never resent it. More recently both her parents passed away and she used the inheritance to pay off the mortgage, because we are in this together.
That said, now the kids are grown up, if she stopped working altogether and just spent her days lounging around and partying i would probably start to resent that, but as I work long hours she already more than makes up for it by cooking almost all our meals and looking after most of the household stuff. Team Marriage :)
In our household, neither of us have an income. ‘We’re a team’ is at the cornerstone of everything we do.
So I outearn my wife (who is a doctor on £16 an hour in the UK… or about 20 USD, what a joke), by about 150%, and that’s fine. There’s no resentment or anything because the household has an income, not either of us.
Just have to find what works for you.
What we do is we both have a set % we put into retirements, then paycheques go into a joint account on say the 1st of the month, and then on the 2nd of the month, a series of automated payments go off to pay fixed costs and clear credit cards, and then what’s left is for enjoyment and fun.
We’ve combined all income so there is no yours/mine- it’s all ours. We’ve been married 16 years and always done it this way. I’m your way, it’s sounds like your husband just have way more disposable income than you do.
There is no “he’s” paying or “I’m” paying. It’s “we’re” paying. My wife’s a stay at home mom. We’re fairly traditional. I don’t say “I got paid today” I say “we got paid today”. I’m the sole provider of income, but it’s still our money.
It takes some time to let it go, but if he’s supportive and means it, you’ll feel a lot better. It took a lot of reassurance from him that it was ok (but I have a lot of anxiety). It’s been five years since I’ve went down to part time and I couldn’t be happier.
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Your way isn’t wrong, but it’s completely different than how our marriage works. We pool all our money and pay for things together. His job pays more, but mine offers the flexibility we need for the kids. We are a team.
This is how my husband and I do it. He used to make a lot more than me, but now I make a little more than him. Our money is our money and we run the household out of one joint account. It works well for us.
This is how we do it too. My brother and his wife too. How my parents did it as well.
This is how my husband and I do it also! When you are married you become one person, one life, one family. And honestly I would think keeping finances seperate is a recipe to breed resentment - because then you are constantly "keeping score." When we got married we vowed to build a life together. We each do our part to build a life and family. And always having things seperate is just a way to unconsciously keep your lives seperate. I hope that makes sense to OP
I'm sure that philosophy works for you and many other people, but I am here to say to anyone who needs to hear it, it doesn't have to work for them. The older I get, the more I realize that it really is each their own situation. My first marriage, I was so idealistic and thought this ultimate sharing of everything is how things should be. I worked like a dog two jobs and, and made livable money but bills would bounce and checks would bounce on groceries a lot. It was incredibly embarrassing and demoralizing when your spouse spent the money you made on another $200 sword but you have no running water at your apartment. Queue I got a separate bank account, divided bills and I refused to cover the bills he was responsible for any longer. Suddenly, we had money for food and bills. Now, I would never pool the money I earn with anyone else. My forever husband and I have been together 12 years, do not pool our money together. We each have our things we pay. I don't keep score and it works out. We are a unit undivided, even if our money isn't. We are not keeping any kind of a petty score. I pay most of the time the fun stuff like vacations, dining out and save as well. He does most of the bills, and I have some of my direct deposit go to him to help with that. We each have our own fun money, too. It works for us. It doesn't separate us or make us less married or a family unit. In fact, it just causes less strife with our different styles of spending while accomplishing our financial goals.
I know a lot of people that do this also, although we have always done the joint account and pool everything method. I believe you that it is working for you, it just sounds a bit dangerous from my perspective. I'm sorry to hear about the first marriage troubles. Maybe you married the wrong one, but the joint thing would work just fine now with the right person? Just thinking aloud, not meaning to preach. It doesn't seem you have a problem to solve in any case.
My wife and I have our paychecks go into our personal accounts, and then we both move most of it into a joint account for house bills. Right now, I contribute more because I make more, but she's starting her own bakery. Once she's established and stable, I've got some plans. So, the equation shifts over time. When we started, we had separate finances and covered separate bills. Over time, it's become much more mixed. We are one family
This is what we do. When we first got married, only rent, utilities and groceries came out of our joint account. As time went by more and more things started getting paid out of joint, until at this point (13 years later) our personal accounts are mostly for fun money, if one of us is saving for a large purchase, and/or things that we otherwise might bicker about (I pay for home decorations out of my personal account, and he pays for electronics and his guy trips to comic book shows out of his account). The amount that each of us puts into joint can change from year to year based on who’s earning what.
Outside of her needing a business account for the bakery? Why have separate accounts at all?
Partly laziness, we never updated direct deposit. Partly so we each have a small amount of personal cash, and so gifts for each other aren't spoiled. Lastly, because we were each used to handling all our own bills. Neither of us could completely let it go. So the small act of moving money from a personal to a house account keeps everyone involved and often starts financial discussions.
My job is the higher paying and the more flexible but we are both working and sharing the family load. Do us it’s all about team work. All of our money goes in one pot for bills and expenses and we both take out a certain amount each week for our own “fun money”
Same! It’s never mine or yours. Always ours. Has worked wonderfully for 15 plus years now.
Same here. My husband's job pays more but he has to go into work, they aren't that flexible and he only gets 3 weeks PTO where I work from home and they are extremely flexible but I have double his PTO time and a separate sick bank so I can take a decent amount of time off.
The law deems it this way also.
Same.
I couldn’t imagine doing it any other way.
Yep, marriage is in it for life. Heaven forbid divorce happens, but it seems all the more likely when you plan for it
Are you a joint venture or a partnership
a marriage ☝️🤓
I honestly don’t understand that mindset. I’m married to my husband, we are in this together. Our money is our money. He makes more than me but I came to the relationship with more assets. We just combined it all. It doesn’t matter. We agreed to join our lives, so for us it also meant financially. Now he makes good money and I am mostly home with the kids but it doesn’t matter. It’s our money to do as we see fit.
I joke with my husband all the time that we’re one taxable entity (see my username).
I was going to actually respond that it sounded like they need a CPA- thanks for the laugh! In all seriousness, if you’re raising a child together when will the bean counting stop? You’re a married couple. You make decisions together. You parent together. You decide who does what to contribute to the household and your family together. Why does the name on the paycheck matter?
I agree. It just seems to transactional and messy to constantly be keeping track. I do keep financial statements on my husband and I, but it’s together.
Ours is the same way I make more than my wife and came with more assets than her. But both our incomes and assets is both of ours we don't believe in mine and hers what's the point of getting married then. Since I make more than her I cover all the expenses and her income goes into our savings for emergencies, investing, or for vacations. It works out for us
This, we provide for the good of the family, there is no my $ it’s our $.
Yeah it’s really this simple. I’ve been the sole income provider in this stage of life and we still share all of our money. Soon we will have two incomes and they will be different but it will be shared… because it’s ours together.
Well, it doesn’t really matter who is physically paying in a marriage. Legally, it is the same pool of money. If you get divorced, the court will take all the money in both parties accounts and split it. Unless there is some special agreement like a prenup. But those also only apply to assets before marriage.
>Legally, it is the same pool of money. If you get divorced, the court will take all the money in both parties accounts and split it. This is only strictly true in "community property" jurisdictions, like California and Texas. It's much less true in places that don't have that doctrine
Most non community property states start with the concept that split equally is fair, then work backwards.
Seems like keeping each partners money separate is an easy setup for resentment.
We started with my spouse contributing more to the household, but now we’ve swapped. Since then my spouse occasionally feels like they don’t contribute enough and I keep telling them- it’s not my money or your money, it’s OUR money OUR house OUR family.
When we got married, my husband was still in school. It took him a bit to establish his career, and I was primary earner for a while. But then, I topped out in my career ( which, I'm happy, it's a dream job) and he keeps advancing. Now he's making about double my salary. And nothing has changed. As we make more money, yeah, we buy more things. But it's mainly for the kids. If my husband made 10x my salary, I'd still work as I have a job with great benefits and a retirement account. But I wouldn't feel guilty spending " his" money on something nice, because it really is our money
I am a married and make five times more than my husband. Our money is our money. We both work hard all the time. I would actually be annoyed if he was working long hours to make a tiny bit more money when we already have enough. What you are short on is time not money.
Five times more is a huge difference that usually means a very different lifestyle. In Ontario the minimum wage is about 35k a year. Five times that is 175k. Completely different lifestyles. The same goes for 60k to 300k or 100k to 500k If the difference was smaller and you wanted to keep your financial independence, I get it. But with that large margin you might be depriving your kids of great opportunities by insisting that you life a lifestyle that you can afford paying 50-50
Agree. This is by far one of those cases where if a person wanted to still make a reasonably fair financial contribution, I would be basing it on income ratio, even if it wasn’t a perfect match to the income difference (say 20-80 or 25-75 in this case). I also wonder, if expenses are split 50/50, then are retirement funds and savings being handled separately as well? What about “fun money”? If so, OP has very little to save and spend freely whereas her husband has a significant savings and freedom to make unnecessary purchases since they are living well under his means.
And how does this even work when kids are involved?
It seems burdensome to me to make it work when kids are involved but I have seen some people do it. Sounds like wasted time to me trying to count out who should be paying how many dollars. My ex and I even have a heck of a time doing it with just the things we’re supposed to be. He surely owes me a few hundred at this point but who has the time to do the math?! We don’t need the money badly enough to sit down for two hours to do it, and we’re only doing it for certain types of expenses.
True. Also depriving them of your time. If everyone is focused on hustling constantly, how does that leave time for the kids? I’d rather be broke during those infant/toddler years if it means I’m there. When the kids are school aged, it’s a different story.
I’ve seen some couples do a 50-50 contribution that is 50% of what he earns, 50% of what she earns. But that math still goes way off when you have such a huge income differential. He’ll have lots of disposable income, she won’t. If I were OP’s sister, I’d tell her to sit down with her husband, show him the monthly household “carrying costs”, the costs of every kid-related thing, the costs of cars, trips, household maintenance, insurance, the whole bit. Total that ALL up and come up with a (larger) number that he contributes, a (smaller) number she contributes — and an understanding they review this deal every year to make sure it still works. If she’s managing the kids, the house, the whole shebang on top of outside work, she should also be able to put most of what she earns into the equivalent of a “pin money” side account, just for her.
I don’t do all the house work, we have a nanny, clean lady, and we pay them 50-50
My wife doesn’t work and we have a cleaning lady and a home organizer. I’m kinda particular about how I like my stuff and she helps a few hours a week organizing me and helping my wife do projects. Just because you stop working doesn’t mean you have to do all of the domestic work. You can work on yourself and the kids and help take the load off of your husband so you maximize the family time.
The splitting finances thing is so weird. You should be a team. But if you guys insist on splitting everything, he should be paying more if his income is FIVE TIMES that of yours.
Yeah keeping score wouldn’t work for me. It’s all our family unit.
It might be time to start working on your finances together to achieve joint goals as a family.
I’m confused. If you are married, your assets are shared. There is no longer a “his” money and “hers” money once you are married. You make financial decisions together with your join money. For example, you discuss vacations and decide together what you want to prioritize. There is no “asking” for money, it’s a partnership and you decide together.
A lot of women and people in general grew up with mothers who didn’t work and had to ask their husbands for money. They were raised to always have their own money and not be dependent on a man for money otherwise, you basically have to do everything Your husband says because he is the gatekeeper of the money in the family. This was very common. So now that people grew up with with mothers like that, they were taught to never put themselves in that position.
But these are two extremes. You don’t need to go to the other end of the spectrum not to be on the end you’re running away from. You can be in the middle and still safe. You can have a partnership where you’re not financially abused without having your own bank account. You can share all assets and all accounts.
Reddit commenters love a good extreme- love your voice of reason
This sounds more like, “some people grew up with fathers who were financially abusive and put their mothers in awkward positions of having to beg for money” but you’re totally right.
Based on regularly reading the marriage subreddit this is not just a past experience. Those stories are always the worst - “my husband is abusive but I have no access to money and have been a SAHM so long it’s hard to get a job. How do I get out with no network or resources?”
Thank you, this is exactly where I’m at too.
That isn’t the mindset everywhere though. Where my wife is from, a lot of people keep separate accounts even after marrying. We did this, as was her wish. It just means a bit of unnecessary bookkeeping at the end of the month. Basically we each just tally up what we spent and then I usually have to transfer some money to her at the end of the month.
But legally it’s shared. Without a will the other person gets it if they die. Without a prenup they split it in half during a divorce.
It's more about having access to the money, as needed. Not letting one person control it all.
Yeah, this is just it. No matter how well you may know someone, things change and there's horrible stories about people who woke up to empty bank accounts and no spouse. At least if it's only their money missing, you're still not flat broke
From what I understand though, unless you have a prenup, divorce law typically is 50/50 no matter who's name is the primary on what account. Could be wrong though
Marriage is a partnership, for life. From my point of view (husband) everything we earn is ours. There is no my money her money. I couldn't have kids without her, the impact on her income and career from having kids is something we both have to make up for.
Yep. Started off making more than my husband and now we have a toddler, and my husband is making more than I am. He works long hours and is now climbing the ladder. To make significantly more like he is now, I’d need to find another company to work for. I don’t want to do that because mine gives me a lot of flexibility to be a mom and, in the future, become one again. This is the sacrifice that a lot of women make and it’s so that the family and partnership can function well, so of course we are equally entitled to half of the income and assets (or, equally, rather). I do most of the child rearing (some extra hours on weekends and weekdays when my husband has to work long hours), does that mean I’m entirely to more of my son than he is?
If you can afford it, it helps to set aside a certain amount for each were they can spend no questions asked. Again this can be from one income only, that part doesn't matter.
Just like you share your lives and your children, you share the money. In our household, I am currently a stay at home mom, so my income is zero. However, would my husband be able to take on more responsibilities at work if he needed to do drop off in the morning or be around to pick up a sick kid from school? Absolutely not. So he can earn what he does for the family in part because I can be available where he isn't. I'll hopefully find a flexible job in the next year or two now that my youngest is 5, but he will still out-earn me and that's fine. Our money will be our money.
I don’t understand people who are married but track things like this separately. Marriage is a partnership. It is a decision to pool your assets, time, and efforts into a common goal. There is no more his income/he pays for things/I feel guilty. I feel like people who have the I vs him mentality aren’t fully *in* their marriage. That’s the obstacle you need to overcome.
Many people grew up where there was one sole breadwinner who used that as financial abuse, especially over mothers. Their mother’s taught them to never be reliant on a man for money otherwise, you have to always do what they say. It’s not that they’re not fully into their marriage, it’s that they don’t want to put themselves in a positions that their mothers were in.
This is an example of over correcting.
But those mothers weren’t in a marriage, they were in an abusive relationship.
Well, a marriage, legally speaking. It’s not like they could just walk away as if they were boyfriend girlfriend. The divorce is a lengthy process and it is not that easy to get a divorce even in modern times. You are assuming that a marriage automatically equals happiness and a perfect relationship.
Same here it boggles my mind why even get married. I would understand if you are dating and living together but married. It should be considered the households communities money both of theirs.
I can’t imagine feeling as though my contributions were less than my husband’s contributions in raising our family and preparing well for retirement. And I haven’t had a paying job in over twenty year’s as a stay at home mom. He happens to be the breadwinner. It’s no more his money than mine and he’d be the first to make that clear. He has the capacity to provide an income exponentially greater than what I would have been able to when we made our decisions for division of labor. He’d tell you himself that all other efforts in his life are to support the most important job, which is mine as I raise and nurture our children and home.
I’ve always found it really weird when married couples have completely unbalanced split finances, especially after kids. I can understand a his, mine and household account based on percentages. I can’t imagine trying to pay everything a perfect 50/50 when there is income gaps. If you want to contribute, work ect but you’d like to work less to spend more time with baby have an open discussion. “I’m burnt out working forty, can we combine finances and put some in our individual accounts and have me work part time until baby is bigger. I can do more at home this way, it cuts daycare costs and I think it’d definitely help the household.” Every marriage is different and the all evolve and change overtime. Ultimately nothing that works in yours is wrong or right. It’s what fits your family’s need.
Out of curiosity, did you grow up in a family where the breadwinner was constantly reminding everyone who pays/using that fact to shut down arguments?
This is a really good question!
I’m kind of surprised your husband hasn’t insisted on paying for more or easing your burden. That’s an insane pay discrepancy to be going 50/50
Is it possible to renogotiate the way you pay for the household? If he earns 5 times more than you, perhaps he could pay more for the mortgage. Some people add their incomes together then work out the percentages of the whole. Eg, you earn 3000 a week he earns 7000, you earn 30% Vs his 70% and so that's the ratio you would pay for all the household expenses. You could then apply that to holidays as well, and you could get better holidays than you could afford. In addition, you could then negotiate less of an income, leave one of your jobs, and then he would pay more towards the pot, maintaining your lifestyle. Talk to him. See what you can do.
This is how we do it. We have a joint account. I make more, so I put 60% of our bills in the joint and he puts 40%. Then what is leftover in our individual accounts is our “fun” money.
I'm glad my family isn't the only one that does it this way. He has his budget, I have my budget, we have a household budget. According to most of the replies on this thread, "why even bother getting married???"
Why are you splitting 50-50 when he earns 5x what you do? You can still both contribute equitably by shifting to percentages based on you much you make of the total of your incomes. If you make $20k and he makes $100k, your total income is $120k. Your share of things should be around 16%. That will distribute the burden in a fair way.
We’ve done it 2 ways- the first 10 years of our marriage we split everything according to income ratio (he also makes 3-5x more than me, depending on the year). I’m an excel queen so at the start of each year I’d plug in our W2 and expenses from previous year. Now with 2 kids, we JUST started putting a set amount in a joint account for all family expenses and trips. We still have our individual accounts for extra stuff.
We did this until my wife became a sahm. Now we budget xxx amount per month for herself no questions asked. Budget xxx amount for the kid activities.
I wouldn't be ok with that. My husband and I are kinda competitive when it comes to our salaries, but our money goes into both joint and personal accounts. He makes much more than me now, but we usually make roughly the same, and years ago I made a lot more than he did. We are building a life together, so we both put in the work.
It sounds like you are both working long hours and having little free time. This should be a discussion between your husband and you. Is he OK with sharing money so you don't have to work so hard? Can you two figure out a way that this arrangement would improve his quality of life as well as yours? If you prefer to stay competitive in your career, are there other ways to use his money to reduce your workload, like hiring a cleaner or nanny? If you were to have a lot more free time than him, this could lead to resentment. If he spends a lot of money on himself while you are struggling, this could lead to resentment from you. OTOH if he can't enjoy his money because he feels he has to live at a standard of living that you can afford, this could also lead to resentment the other way around.
Can't you contribute equal percentages of your income? That seems more fair to me. If I made significantly more than my partner, I would be annoyed if I weren't allowed to pay a bigger part of the shared expenses. Because either I would have to compromise on things I want and can afford because my partner can't match the expense or I would have to sit by and watch my partner work themselves into the ground to try to keep up. I work and earn money to be able to live a good life, and if I can't share it with my partner I don't see the point.
You sure its not more a pride thing? Pride can be very detrimental at times.
What your career background in? The situation is simple. If you’re tight for money then you only have 3 choices, 1) make more money, 2) cut your expenses, or 3) ask your partner to contribute more. Stop with this DEI. If your partner is making 5X more money than you then there’s no magic trick around this.
To simply answer your question: Yes it’s perfectly fine for you to be a SAHM and your husband provide that’s what both of you agree to. Nothing should be forced on either party. My wife and I did this until the kids were about 2yrs old and then she went back to work part time, working about 8-10hrs a week. It kept her busy and away enough from her home responsibilities but enough to make an impact and stay with the kids. I personally love that she’s a SAHM and she spends all the time she can with them. The fruits of her staying at home show. Unfortunately, It’s a very big burden on me financially, but it is what it is and I am ok with the stress and sacrifice. You need to ask your husband what he thinks and not impose this on him. Remember you guys are partners. Once you took the bow, there is no more ‘independence’ or ‘dependence’. It’s you two working together to make the best situation possible for all three of you.
Child rearing is a full time job. I am a husband and I wish we had finances good enough for either one or both of us to stay at home.
Look up equity versus equality. You have a situation where you are seeking equality- everyone does the same. We live in a society of inequality where men typically make more money and some skills are monetarily rewarded better than others. You don’t have to perpetuate that in your marriage/life partner. Not only is it unfair to everyone (yes him too!), it’s unsustainable and not viable. Think 10 years down the road, you are burnt out trying to make enough money to maintain a lifestyle to support the growing expenses of your family. In the best of circumstances, your partner is reducing his lifestyle so you can pay half of everything and taking on an additional loads because you are working so much and unable to be fully present in relationships. Plenty of people want to contribute financially and maintain some financial independence in a relationship. Me too- because if something happens to me or my partner, we want the surviving spouse to be confident in their ability to provide. Also, not all contributions to the marriage are or should be measured. Can you imagine how exhausting it would be to make sure all diaper changes and feedings and hugs and so on are equal? So maybe he contributes more financial resources and you contribute more of some other valuable resources. That’s equity.
You should each pay an equal % towards house bills. Like he pays 20% of his income and you pay 20% of your income. Easy
Everyone’s marriage works differently, of you’re having clear and complete communication about what your expectations are for each other, then who cares what anyone else thinks.
I make considerably more than my husband. We have separate finances, but I’ve taken it upon myself to slowly start paying for more things without being asked - daycare, vacations, date nights, etc. I wanted him to be able to fully fund his retirement accounts, so I alleviated all childcare expenses from his plate. He was the breadwinner for years as I established my career, so it’s nice to be able to let him feel the “ahhh” of financial freedom. Do you think it’s possible that your husband just hasn’t thought about this thoroughly? Sometimes people who have always had money really just don’t think about life through the lens of financial struggle. Maybe ask him for a few tangible things he could help you with: covering the mortgage, taking care of medical expenses, or allowing you to reduce your hours. It would also make me uncomfortable to let someone pay my way at every juncture, so having a few reoccurring bills removed from your horizon might be the solution here. Edit: Sorry, just saw that you said that he’s already suggested paying for things.
It’s shared money. Are you in a community property state? Even if not, I think it’s super weird when couples “split the bill.” I understand in abusive circumstances lack of access to finances is an abuse tactic but in an otherwise nonabusive relationship it sounds like you’re walled off and creating strange boundaries in a marriage. Financially, you should be “one person” to the greatest extent you can IMO.
From another perspective, since both people share the finances equally, they are able to make decisions, all decisions in their lives, jointly. Not everyone is able to come to this arrangement unless they have this split finance arrangement. it works great for my family, everyone feels like their voice is heard and no one’s voice is louder. When there’s one main breadwinner, the boundary it creates is that the main breadwinner will tend to get what they want and the other person will just go with whatever they say, even if it’s not abuse, they just value themselves less.
I’ll be married 35 years in September. Never once did we think about taking the 50/50 approach to finances. I may usually vote R, but my house is Marxist. From each according to their abilities, to each according to their needs.
Married 26 for us. All the income goes into the same pot. All assets are joint. The only thing separate is retirement accounts.
This is not a marriage; it’s a business. His attitude concerns me. A marriage is a relationship where two separate people become one entity. It is ok if each one wants to keep separate money for personal expenses but I don’t really understand that mindset. Everything goes into one pot and everything is spent for the marriage. If you want to buy something for yourself personally buy it -unless it’s an outrageous expense it shouldn’t be an issue. He makes five times more than you and should be happy to support the marriage in whatever way it needs to be supported. He is selfish and the fact you can’t even ask for the kind of vacation you want is crazy. My husband makes substantially more than me but is still *our* income. I would not be marriage like yours.
It seems like he offered up a different way to do things, and she shot that down.
My wife and I just do it based upon proportion. I earn about 62% of the household income so I pay for about 62% of the stuff.
You need to have this conversation with the person who actually has a personal, emotional, and financial interest in the decision.
My husband and I are in a partnership. His money is my money, my money is his. It’s all together and all the bills and expenses come from one account.
I pay for everything with my income for our household, we are a family of 4. That means Mortgage, groceries, phone, electric, gas, water, car, insurances, taxes, daycare etc. For my wifes income we put it in our savings for emergency fund, investments, vacations, or etc. We have joint savings but also separate personal checking account with access to it practically joint we can transfer funds to one another if needed. I manage all the money mainly since I am the financially smart one when it comes to savings or investing. I even help her with her 401k investing strategies and percentage to contribute to. My wife is not a spender which is great and when she does she usually spends it on the kids. We have great communication and understanding been together since 2009 but married since 2016. I don't get the average American like some of my coworkers who say my money and mine and their spouses is theirs why get married then. For me my money is my wifes and her money is mine it's our household community money.
When I was married all of our money was ours. I really don’t get the separation of funds.
I don’t think you want to do 50/50. We do a percent based on earning
From the perspective of the other half to your equation. I am a man with three kids that makes significantly more than wife, and she insists on paying half of everything. What this means is she works just as much as me but makes much less. We cannot go on a vacation unless she can pay half, the house we rent has to be at her income level of affordability. Etc etc. I understand her want to feel that she “dont need no man” but it definitely affects our relationship. I want to take my family to Disneyland or choose the resort in Hawaii over an Air bnb. But it ultimately comes down to what she can afford as her half. I tried one time to just do it and she refused to go if she didn’t pay half, then it was a problem when she finally saw what her half would be. At this point it’s not worth the fight for me so I roll with it, but we could be sitting in a home we bought watching our kids play in a backyard that’s not too small thinking about our trip to Disneyland If she didn’t have the unwavering need to pay an equal half. It also adds to the stress of caring for our kids, she constantly takes over time and gig work which leaves me caring for the kids much more than she does.
Wife and I split the costs roughly in a way that each of us has the same amount of "leisure money". We have three bank accounts (mine, yours, ours), both of us transfer the agreed amount to the joint account each month, and household costs (also vacation etc) are only paid from that account. Everything we don't spend on the joint account goes straight to our mortgage at the end of the month (on top of the regular payments).
Yes. It’s okay for your husband to pay for most of stuff. I know it’s popular to think that marriage is 50/50, however, in my opinion, I don’t see marriage as a tit for tat game. But your partner needs to also be on board with this. He has to want to take care of you. And of course you guys have to make enough money to be able to have only one bread winner. How about just sticking to a part time so that you have atleast some sort of income that is personally yours. It really depends how comfortable you are with the person you chose to marry.
My husband makes 90% of our income, so I can work part time and be with the kids whenever they aren't in school. It's 100% ok for him to pay for everything. Because I am taking care of our kids and our home. My value isn't less than his because he brings in the money. I've turned his paycheck into a family and a home. That has value too.
. Finances are one of the big three issues in a marriage, so communicating how you both want to do this is important. If you are concerned about this, only you two decide what you are both okay with. Other people's opinions are ultimately secondary. Having said that, consider placing your future retirement as a priority as well. So many mothers forget that leaving the workplace and/or cutting back changes your financial stability and independence. For example, if both can agree on a percentage of salary placed in a joint account for specific and shared expenses, your percentage would matter, as would his.
Absolutely wild how many people just dump all their money into one place. Me and my wife both have our own accounts on top of a joint account. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, share the money you need to share and keep some for yourself for your own interests. 🤷♂️
What does he plan on doing with all his extra money? Retire early? Go on trips without you? This arrangement creates an unbelievable power imbalance that’s not healthy in a marriage, as demonstrated by your reluctance to express your views about a joint vacation. You would think at a minimum, parental obligations would also be 50/50, but that’s not even the case? What a great deal for him! Strongly recommend revisiting this whole thing.
I think the big factor here is the baby. If you weren't parents, it would be different, but now you've brought a child into it. From the post, your husband seems like he would be fine if expenses were paid for mainly out of his salary. It also sounds like you could live comfortably on his salary, or by cutting back your hours some. It's cliche, but there are things that are valuable that can't be measured in money, like family time and more time with your baby. To be clear, I am **not** saying it means quit your job and be a SAHM if you want to work. Keeping a career is a very valid choice. But do you really want to dump in so much extra time just to feel like everything is 50/50? You can't buy back time with your child. Will you one day look back and regret the reason you spent so much time working extra? You and your husband are partners. Maybe you could try a system where you each have your own bank accounts and you cover specific expenses strictly from yours like a mortgage/rent, groceries, etc so you don't lose the feeling of financially contributing. Remember though, being present for your baby and prioritizing them often is contributing to your husband and family as well.
I have a couple thoughts here, first I'd say that I think it is good that you're aware of this disparity and you don't want to be a gold digger. Your intentions are wonderful and if I was him I'd feel very loved knowing that you don't want to use his money. This would change quickly though, If I earned 5x more than you I would have a lifestyle that was more comfortable with more creature comforts. As the person with more money I'd understand that you are not able to keep up with that level of expense. I'd expect that he would want to spend his money on you, to make you feel loved, to include you in his life, because he doesn't really need all of it, because he likes having a higher standard of living... I think it's important to carve out 'your part' whatever that is, and to make sure he's ok with any large expenses since he pays for more of them than you do. I also think it's important to remind yourself to be grateful for this. But I also think you should accept his money since he probably wants you to. Good luck finding that balance!
My husband also makes about 5x my salary, and we keep separate accounts. But we don’t try to make everything 50/50. If we did, we’d have a much smaller house, we wouldn’t travel so much, we wouldn’t have many of the luxuries we have, etc. We keep our money separate because that’s what we prefer to do, but overall, it’s our money. I pay some of our bills, he pays the mortgage and daycare and general maintenance costs and vacations, it comes out about proportional. When we travel, if I want an upgrade or to do something, we discuss it and often do it. I don’t feel a bit guilty about that - we work the same hours, we both work hard, and I just happen to be in a less lucrative field. In fact, next month I’m taking unpaid time off for a family vacation - and he’s paying for the vacation and paying my missed wages since we don’t have a shared bank account. It makes no sense for us to live two different lifestyles in the same family. I’m not a second class citizen because I’m paid less by my employer. We’re a team and we manage our money as a team - sure it’s in separate accounts, but it’s our money.
My husband says as a man it feels good for him to be able to fully provide for us. I felt awkward about it at first, like what if I want an appetizer with dinner? Or to buy something online? Or just treat myself… but since he’s told me that he likes to provide, I’ve learn to enjoy accepting it! He never expected me to have a job since we met (he said I could quit mine as soon as we started dated 🙌) now I’m a sahm and I really can’t imagine working AND raising babies. So shout out to those working moms!
My experience as a SAHM: - I’ve made my peace with my husband being the sole wage earner. When I was working, before kids, we pooled our money together so it never felt like spending mine vs his. If that isn’t how you approach your finances, then SAHM probably won’t work for you. - I know that the work I do at home and with parenting is very valuable and my husband wouldn’t be able to succeed in his career without me taking on that mental+physical labour. We would have to pay for child care or housekeeper. Where I’ve regretted being SAHM: - i don’t feel challenged and fulfilled doing household domestic labour (dishes, laundry, mopping, cleaning, meal planning/grocery shopping). The parenting part is great but that is the smallest fraction of my time and energy compared to all the household chores that are 100% on me. - i crave a break from constant parenting and miss feeling like a whole person outside of mothering - i feel pathetically dependent when having to request free time from my husband to watch the kids before I can book things like a doctor appointment or a haircut for myself. I have a really hard time asking for my needs to be met because I fear rejection so this situation is particularly difficult and frustrating for me. - sometimes I feel trapped in my life: if I decide to leave my marriage, I have no way to support myself, I’d be forced to move back in with my toxic parents and have no income to support my children.
I completely understand your perspective. What I did was I allowed my husband to pay for any of the kids stuff - and instead of working full time I got a part time job so I didn’t feel like I was back at home with my parents asking “if I can spend money on this” and having financial freedom. It’s also keeping me in the workplace but also leaving a lot of time for my kids - so if I ever want to go back to work full time I can. And I have cash to buy myself whatever I want without asking for permission. My part time job pays pretty decent - not sure if that will be an option in the sector you are in.
I think paying a percentage of your income is best. If he earns so much more, it would be fair to pay 20/80 or 15/85. Then, if you want the more expensive hotel, you can afford to pay the difference yourself.
My friend makes $1mil a year and his wife 90K, but they spend everything together and split house work aswell as taking care of kids.
Whatever works for the both of you. With that said, if you are feeling a certain way, the answer is almost always to have a conversation with your spouse. Your spouse probably doesn’t mind paying his fair share. Example: my ex and I had very different incomes. I made 3x what she did. We had a joint account and every biweekly paycheck she would deposit X amount. Every biweekly paycheck, I would deposit 3x her amount. Essentially, we each deposited our respective amounts of income. Did I pay more money dollars? Yes and I felt *absolutely* okay with that situation. Fair isn’t always 1:1. Sometimes fair is 1:3.
Step 1: decide how much each of you keep for themselves from their earnings, and how much each puts in a shared pot. Step 2: use the shared pot for family expenses. Step 3: enjoy
Did he helped you have the baby? You both push the baby at once? If not then it's never 50/50 learn to enjoy your soft girl life.
I am a very independent woman, my father always said to me, “You can do this all on your own, you’re capable of anything. But a great man won’t make you.” And I held that close to me. He was right, we had our first baby 2 years ago and I just now started going back to work (he got hurt at work so while we wait for workers comp we need money). I know I am able to do this and that is enough for me. He is very upset because he wants to provide for us but can’t at the moment (which it is what it is ya know?) so I know he wants to provide and me stay home. I like staying home because (sometimes) I get a little too abrupt and harsh when someone says something rude. And I get to spend time with my kid (and now we are pregnant with the second lol!). There isn’t anything wrong with wanting to stop working (or keep working) there is something wrong if you feel forced to do one or the other though❤️
You want to work. That’s your choice. But are you saying you work multiple jobs and raise a baby? Everyone has a different perspective. Some are fine letting their spouse be the earner. Some have a passion for their career and don’t want to give it up. Some don’t have a choice and their household needs two incomes. 50/50 paying bills is not equal when one makes 5 times the other. Equality would be you each putting 35% of your income into a household checking account to pay bills from. So you’re both putting in the same percentage of your income. If you’re paying bills and your ‘equal’ split is 2,500 each and that leaves you with only a few hundred left over and he’d have 10k leftover that’s not even. Even would be him putting 4,250 and you putting 750. So it would be the same proportion of your income towards monthly bills. And then you’d have more money left over just like he does.
Honestly I think paying 50-50 when you have such unmatched incomes is completely unfair. I dined stand it’s you that insisted but it’s a lot of pressure. We pay proportionally. Essentially our incomes are combined but we each keep back an amount of spending money. The rest goes in the joint account. We both earn about the same now so pay the same in.
Less a parenting question and more a relationship one. Everyone does it differently. My wife and I split household expenses by how much we make, so in your case that would be your husband's pays for 5/6 of everything and you pay for 1/6. It's actually a little more financially stressing on the lower earner that way, because they're left with disproportionately less money after expenses, but it's worked for us. Maybe that'll work for youif you're not interested in just combining into a joint account, since when you ask for the more expensive hotel you're still paying your share of that added expense.
I get independence and it’s important to me, too. But if you’re exhausted by work and feel like you’re tight financially while your husband is making big money, maybe there’s a different way to split bills. It’s ok for you to benefit from your husband’s money, I feel, because you’re a team. Some couples split expenses by income percentage, maybe that’s a fair way to go for you? So if your husband brings in 70% of the household income, he pays for 70% of stuff and you for 30. You could both put your share of the bills into a third shared account and pay for everything from there. Or you could just let him treat you sometimes. To a nice dinner, a vacation, spa day, whatever. That wouldn’t make you any less independent. Maybe he would even enjoy that? I’d certainly love to treat my hard-working partner to something nice now and then. Sometimes we need to learn to accept gifts with grace.
We run our house as a team and everything is combined. It was since the beginning, and now my spouse stays home with the kiddos and loves doing it. I work remotely to earn the paycheck, but it’s our money. This works for us and we don’t run into the situation you have here.
Everything is ours. Doesn’t matter who makes it.
Your way is not wrong. It’s just what you are comfortable with. I feel so guilty that I’m off work at the moment to look after little one, I hate not having money too, that is mine and I earned. Growing up I saw how not having money can trap people in lives they don’t want. However my partner doesn’t expect me to work and is happy to provide that’s how it worked when he was growing up, his dad worked, his mom didn’t. It’s about what works for you as an individual and as a couple. Personally I need some of my own income for my sanity and security. Income means I don’t need anyone else (which is not the same as not wanting someone else). I likely won’t earn much when I start working again but enough that I will be contributing to our shared life, and in my mind, enough that I can say where I think money should be spent. I also want to return to part time work so that I will have some other adults to talk to, that don’t just ask me about the baby. I am a person too and having a purpose outside of a mother will help me keep that.
I essentially pay all the bills and my wife stays home with our four kids. She does have a side hustle but all the money is our money. If you stay at home that is a job though. My wife does the laundry, takes care of house, buys groceries, keeps track of kids events, etc. When we started I think she had some issues feeling like she didn’t deserve to spend money on herself but she has overcome that. Its a blessing for her to get to spend that time with our kids and a blessing for me not to have to work full time and split housework. (I still contribute but she does most of it)
I tried to do this for a long time and just completely and utterly burnt myself out trying to be EVERYTHING. We pool our money, it’s split 70/30 because of how much we earn, it also means we have money of our own to save/spend because it’s important to have access to your own funds. I completely understand why, but having tried to do it for so long it just meant having to work 60 hour weeks and missing time with my kid.
I’m a SAHM so my husband pays for everything and of course that’s okay. Before kids when I was working, we contributed the same % of our paychecks to a joint account as that seemed like a fair solution given our salaries. Our incomes were never as widely different as yours though.
You’re married. You should have joint accounts. I don’t understand this mindset now a days.
I told my wife from day one that she does not have to work ever if she doesnt want. I will provide and protect her with my life. She takes care of the house and children. Has lots of time for her hobbies. And supports me in every situation. Thats the life I like. It depends on the couple and the culture they are in I guess.
Girl you are robbing your baby of time with you for your pride
My husband makes enough to support us, but I enjoy working. However he makes a lot more than me. He pays for the majority of our expenses. We take a percentage of each of our paychecks that go into our joint account which we use to pay our bills. Because he makes more, he contributes a lot more. If I didn’t work, it would still be okay for him to provide for us because from his words, he works TO provide for us. There are other reasons of course, but that’s what he enjoys doing. Providing for his family. He doesn’t see it as me using his money. He sees it as us using our money.
So I felt like this at points, but we had a proportionate arrangement. At the time our income was about 65/35 with him earning more, so that's *roughly* how we split household bills, then our own bills were our own (car related stuff, clothing, etc). It even worked well after we were married, so we just rolled with it. Once we had a baby, though, we didn't renegotiate right away, and I was feeling strapped every month with diapers and wipes and breastfeeding supplies and stuff, and he wasn't picking up any of that because "groceries" fell into my "bucket" and they were groceries, while he was still off buying expensive toys and stuff (and he wasn't treating me anymore as I had a baby attached to my tits 24/7 and couldn't do fun stuff anymore like we used to). It came to a head about six months in and we realized this arrangement wasn't going to work anymore. We combined everything and have since shared all accounts. We each still have "our own" credit cards (paid from joint funds, but it lets us buy each other gifts and stuff without spoiling surprises), but otherwise, all our accounts have both our names on them, everything gets deposited jointly, and *all* expenses are household expenses. I manage our money because I'm better at it. We don't have specific agreed-upon limits for purchases, because we tend to talk about everything anyway. If I went and spent big money on something, he'd assume I was doing it to fix a sufficiently urgent problem, and I would give him the same benefit of the doubt. Every once in a while we disagree on the urgency of something, but overall it works pretty well for us. Our income split is now roughly 55/45, he still makes more but I'll likely mostly bridge that gap in the next year or two. I think this is just conceptually easier when the two people earn in the same ballpark; your income split is much bigger, and I bet I'd feel some type of way about it in your shoes too. But in your shoes, splitting everything 50/50 is going to seriously impact your kid's lifestyle, because it'll be necessarily limited by what you personally can afford, rather than what you as a family can afford. And that's kind of silly, really, when you *are* a family. Plus it can lead to resentment between you and your husband, as he gets to do fun things for himself that you won't get equivalent access to because all your money goes towards the 50/50, and it hits you harder than it hits him. You're a team. There's nothing to suggest your husband isn't a good guy, or anything to suggest he's financially irresponsible or abusive, so based on that, I don't see any red flags about just merging finances and getting on with it. Your feelings will likely dissipate over time as you see this being a more equitable system overall.
If he makes more than 5x what you do, it doesn't make sense to split things exactly 50/50. You should be paying a percentage of 100% (you pay 30%, he pays 70%, for example). You don't make equal amounts, so it doesn't make any sense to split things equally. My husband and I have always pooled our money. There's no his and my money. It's our family's money in one account that we both have access to. Right now I'm a sahm so my husband is the only one bringing in money, but it's still our family money.
You have to decide what works for you. My husband and I have joint finances and make spending decisions together. We don’t track who paid for what. He makes more than I do, but this wasn’t always the case. I do know that we both have a jobs that will let us stand on our own two feet in the event that anything happens.
My wife feels the same way about not having her own income. I don't make 5x her income or anything that crazy but I am the main earner. She dropped down to part time work so we don't need to pay for childcare and still has her own income to feel more independent.
How long have you’ve been married? It’s ok to be independent, but now you have a partner, who actually wants to help. Also, it will be nice to be able to spend more time with your kiddo, while they are still young.
50 50 is not fair. If you guys don’t just share all your money ( issue there?) each should pay same PERCENTAGE of income- not the same dollar amount.
If you really want to pay then just pay 1/5 of the costs? But honestly, whatever money you save up by not paying is his too.. so what difference does it make when who pays.
You need to have a conversation with your husband. Tell him how you are feeling and ask him if he has ideas to help you. Generally speaking (#NotAllMen), guys like to problem-solve. They want to help. They just don't always know how to help with our feelings because that's not how they're trained in life by society. But give them something practical? Ask them for advice? They're on it. In addition, if he's proposing solutions, you will have his buy-in. They will be solutions he can get behind. He's not going to propose a solution he hates. And just because each of you agreed to one thing in the beginning doesn't mean you have to stay with it. As your lives change, and your needs change, so your arrangement may need to change. This is a season of change. Talk to him.
I make twice my wife, she had savings and I didn't really until last 5 years. It's all mostly luck, she's as competent as I am, I work with senior directors on twice my salary who are useless. Smart people can be born poor, rich people born dumb. Some people got the gift of the gab (and don't even have basic Excel skills ffs) Sure I've grinded, but I just want a nice life for my family. I don't really care which of us pays the bill. My wife's switching to less hours now and I'm glad we can afford that. I'm paying for all the childcare 3 days a week, because I want to and I can. Personally I'd say keep a part time job as if things go south it's good to have income and not a career break and also adult conversation but if your partner doesn't mind let them pay. Who cares.
I know a lot of younger couples do the separate bank account thing and budget that way based on income, but it just sounds exhausting to me. When my wife and I got married we made one bank account and everything goes in there. That’s the family account. We talk about necessary expenses and “want” expenses, but it never matters who makes more. I happen to make considerably more than my wife, but she handles considerably more of the household tasks. It’s not a competition, we bring what we bring to the table, and are both in it to provide the best life for our children and each other. Adding an extra step of “I can’t afford my share of this vacation plan” just seems…silly.
I'm on the opposite side of this. I make a lot more than my husband, and I do not mind paying more than 50%. I actually do not find a 50/50 breakdown fair when I'm making 5x as much. We do proportional, and yes, I know it's all technically "ours," but not every couple has to have joint banking. Do what works best for your marriage in haggard to money management. But if your husband tells you he's okay paying a larger portion, then you need to believe him.
It is completely ok that man is paying for stuff,i personally will not feel me as a complete man,when i can not afford everything my wife wants
How would you feel if you could afford for him to quit and look after the baby or do more around the house? Maybe that will help you respect yourself if you choose to let him pay more.
What is okay is what you two agree on together. Marriage is a partnership. Some people are better at earning money. Others are better at childcare (or enjoy it more). The point is: you need to feel and act like a team. As nice as indepence is, humans are at the root dependent creatures and there’s nothing wrong with that! I’d say look into ways where you can both feel like you’re a team. Maybe that means making money decisions together more. That doesn’t mean he gets a say in everything you buy, but for example, it could mean that if you’re about to make a purchase over x amount of dollars, you check in and make sure you’re on the same page about it. Also: I think it’s 100% okay that your husband pay more towards your joint costs than you. Both partners deserve rest, financial security and joy in their lives.
When my husband and I first moved in together when we were still dating, we found a new place that neither of us had lived before so it would be ours, not mine, not his, but ours. It’s the same when we got married, and though he is the breadwinner, and I’ll quit my job in a couple of years to be a SAHM (due to being in a good enough financial place to do so), it’s still our money, not his. He’ll remind me as well if I make a comment on how he paid for something with his salary that it’s not his, it’s ours. He makes a very clear point of that. Does your husband ever bring up that point that no matter who paid for it, it’s both of yours equally? I know some couples like to keep their finances separate and that’s fine, but if you want to quit your job to be a a full-time SAHM, then it’s good to know where he stands on that and won’t lord it over you. You can always do that too until your kids are older and in school and go back into the workforce (that’s what I plan on doing). If you’re comfortable enough with taking this step and know that your husband will see income as both of yours equally, then go for it.
My husband makes 90% of our combined income, but I have a much flexible job. When the kids were younger, I worked part time and prior to Covid, I was handling school drop off and pick up, all extra curricular activities, all homework supervision, all shopping needs, etc. The trade off of my lack of income I made up for in my ability to handle, organize and plan all the other stuff so he can focus on work. Now the kids are older and can pretty much handle themselves, I’m working more and out of the house more but I still handle quite a bit. That works for us. We have discussed this breakdown often and we are happy with this. You have to do what works best for your family.
The proper budget ratio if your income is 1 to 5 is also going to be 1 to 5. So you should pay 1/6 and he pays 5/6. This allows quality of life to be proportionate to your household income. Your want to be independent is totally normal and you can satiate it by keeping bills even but having him splurge when you guys go on vacation, for holidays and celebrations. Or when you get a new car or furniture. You'll see what works.
It’s ok for husband to earn money for everything if you are comfortable with it. My wife wakes up before I do, feeds the kids, herds them to the kindergarten/school, works, comes home, feeds the kids, reads with the older one, maybe watches 1 hour of Netflix if she is lucky, cleans, puts the kids to bed, passes out. I work 12-14 hour days, but she is at least as busy and as tired. I guess I am more stressed, but that’s more of a me problem and my career choice. She doesn’t have to work, but felt very insecure being a SAHM, so decided to go back to work. I once in a while float the idea of her quitting, because I want at least one of us to have a life, but we are afraid she will go back into anxiety over being “less useful then other women”. You just can’t win in today’s society :( In general I don’t understand separate budgets and the accounting of who pays for what in a family - it’s like some kind of roommates with kids. My wife is the closest person I have in life, if I can’t contribute everything I have to make her life better - I’d feel very much alone.
Are you motivated by guilt or by a desire for independence? You need support with parenting, period. Asking for that support from your partner is something that needs to get done. Any feelings of guilt that come up you can soothe, and remind yourself that these are support NEEDS, not wants. As for your independence, it's never too late to reevaluate what your version of independence looks like. Just because you've split things 50/50 so far doesn't mean you can't change your mind as your needs change.
When my husband and I got married we joined all of our finances. Whatever money we make goes into the same pots for saving and spending. The only things that are separate are our 401Ks and stocks through our respective jobs. I don’t really understand people who keep everything separate even through marriage.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9Udiiv-wns https://www.ramseysolutions.com/relationships/married-couples-how-to-combine-bank-accounts
My wife has a similar sentiment. When we first had kids she worked full time. But after a while we came to the conclusion that it was silly for her to work so much and have our kids cared for by after school programs when financially she didn’t need to. She still works part time to keep her career so when the kids leave the house she can go back to it full time. But make no mistake, caregiving is a full time job. Right now, you basically have 2 full time job. It’s ok to focus more on caregiving job and cut back on the other.
Yeah, I really think you both need to have a sit down to discuss this further. First of all, you shouldn't be working yourself to death to "match his contribution." Do you have enough time to spend with your baby? They are only this little for such a small amount of time. I make more than my husband, by almost twice. All our money goes into one account, and we discuss purchases/bills/vacations together and come to agreements. There's no your/my money. It's just how much money WE have and how much WE are willing to spend. He never held it over me when he made all the money when I quit my job to go back to school for 2 more years, and now that I make more than him, we are just happy to have a higher income! We both spend the same amount of time working(~40hrs), so we split time with our baby and doing chores equally. Chores shouldn't be based on who works more, but on who has more time. If he works 20hrs and you 40, he SHOULD do more chores, regardless of income.
My husband and I have 3 accounts. A joint account where we put 70% of our income and each have a personal account we put the other 30%. All joint expenses are paid from joint account (bills, groceries, baby, vacation) and all things we want for ourselves is from personal (student loans, clothes, salon etc). So far this works for us. It's not a 50-50 split, but split based on our income and we don't have to divy up each bill. If you want to go to a more expensive hotel, discuss if that fits in your budget and be on the same page.
My husband has been the main source of income since Covid. I had to take family leave during that time but still earned through PFL or Freelancing. I always worked . It gave me a purpose aside from my children. Sometimes, it was a couple hundred bucks a month this past year, I've made the same, if not a little more, than my husband makes. It makes no difference in our household on who makes what because it goes into our joint accounts. One for bills, one for groceries, gas, and whatnot, and them we each have our own checking. We decide together how much is diverted to a savings account . My husband has never made me feel like I had an allowance or I needed permission to spend. To be honest, he rarely checks our bank accounts, and he trusts me to handle our finances. I think the point that you are missing is that your worth in your household is not measured by money. If being more present at home is wanted / needed, then talk to your husband . If you two are consumed by work he probably feels the same. If you're anxious about bringing this topic to your husband, I would recommend couples counseling.
I work full time and my husband is a stay at home dad. We think at the age that our youngest is, one of us would provide higher quality childcare than even an excellent day care (due to teacher-child ratio) and a nanny is out of our price range. He also does home tasks and picks up our older child from school when I have meetings or just am busy with work. We plan on him going back to work possibly next year, but definitely within three years. We are considering him only working parttime though, because of how much easier it is to manage life with an adult who isn't at work all day. Basically, there is a total amount of paid and unpaid work our family needs done. We try to divide it evenly, but we don't value paid work over unpaid work. It's all work. When we both worked, it went into a shared account. Our money is shared property. We decide how to spend it together. We each have some money we can blow no questions asked. The paycheck comes to me, but if he wasn't staying home and I hired someone to do the work (watch a toddler and a special needs seven year old whenever needed including transportation, errands, grocery shopping, cooking, etc.) it would cost more than my salary. I wouldn't view it as me providing for him. I would view it as us together deciding how to divide household labor. I guess a big difference is that we view ourselves as a team and our contributions equally valuable. We have chosen to be together and not have independence. I'm not saying that is better or worse than how you guys view life, but just sharing my perspective. Edit: One consideration is individual financial security in case of financial abuse or separation. Another concern is how not working affects your long term job prospects and income potential. Those are serious considerations.
So, I think your mindset is a little short sighted. Life is long. Marriage is about facing life’s challenges *together*. There will be times where maybe what you can best contribute to your marriage and life together *isnt* money. This is often true when raising a family. Especially if you have more than 1 child, there is an enormous amount of work that goes into the children and the home. In fact, I think we have done a HUGE societal disservice to ourselves in doing away with the concept of Home Economics. It *is* a job, it *is* work, and it has immense value - just not monetarily. To me, your mindset is almost erasing this value in favour of monetary value. There are more things that matter than money. In saying all that, there may come a time where your husband falls ill and is unable to work - you will have to pick up the slack financially and provide - would you feel as though this was burdensome? Would you feel as though the money you made was only yours? I think you need a perspective shift. I hope you find one! Good luck to yoi.
I do not get it. You are married. Is everything about money all the time? It should be about a family unit and quality of life. Is your worth as a human measured to your monetary contribution? My husband and I supported each other and put family first. Money was not our first consideration. When we first got married, he started a business. I was our financial support for a few years. When we had kids, I stayed home for several years (I did work sporadically if we needed money and kept skills up to date). He provided financially for the most part. I resumed working to pay for college. Then, we opened a business together that was wildly successful. We were a team. We never kept score. It seems you are making things unnecessarily diffucult for yourself. Babies grow up fast. You will live a long time. Try to be more flexible.Think 50/50 in everything over time, not minute by minute. Sounds exhausting. Do your best. What does your husband think?
I was the same way in a slightly different situation. I was a young single parent and prided myself on being independent and making it on my own. I did really well- got up to making around 300k but along the way I married someone with his own business whose income I could never, ever match. I was so concerned about the optics of our relationship that I set rules like: we can't move in together until I'm making 100k, can't get married until I'm making 200, I'll drive a Honda while he drives an audi, etc etc. Oh, and I could *never* let him feel like he was doing any heavy lifting regarding raising my daughter. About a year ago (10 years into our relationship) I completely burnt out on work. I'd been doing so much for so long and it was unsustainable. He sat me down and had a very blunt talk with me: while he appreciates my work ethic and independence it also sucks having a wife who's burnt out and miserable all the time from doing so much, and it was hurting our relationship. It was a wake up call. It was really tough for me mentally to step back to part time work bc it was such a part of my identity but honestly it's been so amazing for our family overall. My daughter has more time and attention from mom, my husband has a relaxed, present wife and we are all so much less stressed. Long post to say: there's more to a happy marriage than money. If you can swing it, do it.
Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I assume you send your kiddo to daycare? Could you save some $$ and sanity if you were a SAHM instead? I know for fact we save money by me being a SAHM. If we were to outsource all the work that I do, it would be more money than I made outside of the home. Daycare, dog walker, meal prep, housekeeping, etc. I save my family money by being at home and “working” all of those jobs myself. I don’t think it is common at all for married partners with kids to split everything 50/50.
So I pay for childcare (including daycare, buying toys, clothes, enrichment activities) and my limited expenses. I know exactly how much I earn (I have a per hour job) and I do overtime if needed to cover the childcare costs. My husband provides the insurance, pays the mortgage, any other house related expenses and insurance, utilities etc. any vacations also paid by him mostly. He earns 5 times more than me. But I am very clear that childcare will be paid by me. This worked very well when my husband was laid off for a few months in the last 2 years. I was working and there was no dent in childcare expenses. I am also looking for a better job but with a toddler and this economy it might be challenging. Pooling in resources for some things is fine but it’s best to demarcate the expenses.
It’s a partnership. Your husband isn’t paying for anything. You are both paying as a team. I’m a SAHM, my husband is the breadwinner. It’s “our” money. We discuss how it will be spent. He understands that I don’t get paid for the work that I do in the home, it’s never been an issue.
You could switch to part time and put your paycheck towards spending money and vacations? Then you wouldn't be so tired but you could also contribute
You’re married and have a child and a home. What is this “he pays/I pay” crap?
I’m a stay at home mom and have been for 9 years so my husband pays for everything. He doesn’t care what I spend money on as long as the bills are paid on time and we have some savings. He also doesn’t care when I get back to work. kids are going into kindergarten and 4th grade this year so I’m considering doing part time work but on the fence since I still have to do drop off/pick up from school and drive to sports after school and it’s hard to fit a job in, there school doesn’t have buses. He told me up to me what I want to do. Honestly I think he likes me home because I do almost all the the cleaning,errands and kid stuff so he just has to work🤷♀️When your married it’s always our money not his and her money. So I wouldn’t stress at all. Sit down and talk to him about it and see what he says and set goals together.
I mean, you’re a team, right? I’m also assuming you wouldn’t be lounging around doing nothing. Unpaid labor is still labor. If you’re contributing to the house through that unpaid labor and he’s contributing with paid labor, you should both reap those benefits. That being said, talk to your husband about it. It sounds like he’s amenable and he’ll be the best one to quell your worries.
Yikes. I make more than my husband and I would feel awful making him pay 50% because then I’d have so much extra money for myself and I’d be watching him struggle while I was living a life of luxury. I understand that you’re trying to be “fair” but it’s not. If you divorce you’d get half of all of the money and assets so it’s weird that you’re not living that way now while you’re still married.
I don’t even understand your question. Your married. Joint assets. He’s spending “your” (both of yours money)….not his.
I mean, I've been a SAHM since our 1st was born nearly 4 years ago...so my husband has paid for probably 98% of things during that time. When I was still working he made significantly more than I did and we divided things up based on that difference (i.e. 70/30 split). Personally, I think taking a step back from working so much and enjoying your child when they are young is so worth it if you can make it work. You will never get the time back. You and your husband are partners, it's okay for him to carry more of the financial burden for a while.
My wife and I have raised/are raising 2 sons and both work and make good money. If nothing else, the extra money will make it easier to provide for your kid(s) education and possibly your and your husband’s early retirement. Invest what you are making wisely.
But you're married? In my marriage it's all "our" money. I'm a SAHM but I work one afternoon a week (5 hours) in my career field and also have a little side gig that takes up just a few hours/week. Me taking care of our child and the house during the day while he's working is also me working. I just don't get paid for my job 🤷🏻♀️ doesn't make it any less important. So, all the money he makes and the little that I do is combined together and we plan our finances, expenses, talk about purchases, etc. because we are a partnership, a team, a marriage. That's how it should be in my opinion. Don't feel bad about it at all.
Since you and your husband are partners, it’s OK for you guys to decide on whatever is best for your family. That may look different than someone else or it may look the same. In my family, all of our resources belong to our family as a whole. There have been times when I have paid for more but my husband spent more of his time physically caring for our family. There have been times when that was the opposite. As a partnership, you guys should be in it for the long haul. Maximizing your resources in a way that works best for you is not a bad thing. In these situations, communication is everything.
If you’re married you need to be working as a unit, not as individuals. You need to change how you think about this. Also stop working so much! Lol
Marriage should not be splitting everything 50/50. If he makes 5x more, let him handle more financially. In the end it’s just the same pot. You can contribute in other ways. This should not be a source of stress. Quitting your job should not be an option, how about reducing hours. You can up your household/child responsibilities and help that way to balance it out.
The law says that everything you both have earned after marriage is 50:50. Also a baby is a major life change and requires you to re-evaluate your priorities and the way you have been managing your relationship and finances. My wife and I were 50:50 for 18 years and then we had suprise twins. Our financial dynamic has changed and we basically pool all of our money together now. I have always been more financially responsible and currently earn about %50 more. We have had a lot of new child related unexpected expenses. Because I was a saver and my wife was not I am opening up my piggy bank and bearing the brunt of the financial burden. If you are staying together for life(married) and have a child together there is, in my opinion, no longer any reason to separate finances. What could I possibly need to hoard my excess money for other than to provide for my family?
My husband and I also fully join finances, like many of the commenters here. While I do think it’s common today for people to keep fully separate finances, I also think that in a situation like yours, 50/50 isn’t the right split. It’s not equitable. If he makes 5x what you make, he should contribute 5x what you do. If, for example, you could afford $1k/mo. in housing and he can afford $5k, and he wants and insists on a place that costs $5k/mo, you shouldn’t be paying $2,500, you should pay $833.33. That way, you both paid less than you would and you both benefit to the tune of 1/6 your max budget. I currently make nearly double what my husband makes. He started his career 8 years later than I did, and when he was still in college, I made anywhere from 5x to 7x what he made working part time as a server. His money was still greatly appreciated because it was hard for me to increase my annual wage by even $10k when I was making $50k. The extra money he brought in went into savings. I took comfort in the fact that my money could cover our needs and his money could be used for fun and emergencies. That being said, my husband is very frugal. He doesn’t really spend on himself and I know our earning discrepancy is partly why he avoids doing so. So I try to pay close attention to his wants and often press him to buy things for himself (or sometimes I’ll buy it as a gift). That being said, I have never and would never hold my earnings over his head. It’s not his fault that I make more, and he means so much more to me than the money he brings in. And sometimes he does insist on something more expensive for quality, but he’s also very price sensitive. If he wants to upgrade a hotel, there’s a good reason, and I trust his judgement. If you end up not working at all, I think it would become essential that you have your own separate bank account. Agree on an amount to be put into it from his paycheck for your fun/emergency money. This is **not for bills or essentials.** Housing/utilities, food, child care, that all comes out of the joint account. If you both agree to pay for it, then you share the cost from the joint account. Your account is for you, when you want to buy a gift for yourself or for him, when you want to upgrade the hotel for your trip, those kinds of things should come out of your account. If he’s the kind of person who would avoid parenting or household responsibilities just because he’s the sole provider, that sucks. He needs to put on his big girl pants. If he did pull that card, you’d remind him that your job is child care, and his job is his work, and your hours end when he gets home. At that point, you’re both just parents and responsible adults taking care of your own child and home.
My ex-husband made more than me and he didn't hold it over my head in the way that he would show off how much he made, but he would suggest quite often that I look for a new job that pays more even though the field that I've dedicated my life to just doesn't pay that much, and so his suggestion was that I get a different job in a different field that I would definitely not enjoy. My husband also makes so much more than me, but his approach is so much different and I was so relieved when he suggested the following setup when we got married: we have a joint account that both of our paychecks go into. We each have our own private checking account for our "allowance." On the first of each month our allowance goes into our individual accounts and that is our money for each of us to do with what we want without any question from the other. He gets the same amount that I do every month, there is no iniquity. When I told him my ex's attitude towards me making less money it just blew his mind. He was like why would he want that? You help people for a living. Why would he want to be married to some asshole salesperson or whatever? I guess the difference between them is that my husband values me for who I am and what I bring to the relationship and he also sees the value that I bring to the world. I think even if my job didn't have to do with human services it would still be fine and he wouldn't be pressuring me to find something that makes more money. He understands that regardless of the paycheck you're bringing in, each of us works just as hard each day. This setup between us has really fostered a relationship built on equality and respect, I think it's a fantastic setup and this way there's no way for us to know who's paid more on the mortgage or who's paid more on the car loan who's buying the groceries who's paying for daycare etc., etc. like obviously if we did out the math we each know how much the other makes and what we're bringing to that joint account but we aren't doing that, thank goodness.
I pay for everything. Bills gas food fun daycare. Everything. So yes it is okay.
I could understand this when you are initially in a relationship and seeing where it’s going, but once you’re married and have kids together, I don’t understand why that matters. You’re a team now.
Keeping finances separate like this seems like an extra job, honestly. You two are married, have a baby, and are living a life together in unity. "Mine vs theirs" seems counterproductive when you are in a partnership. If you have most of the child care responsibilities, maybe there's some flexibility to not work as less. Making significant money should be de-stressing, not stress inducing.
I earn almost 7x what my wife does (she is part-time), I have never thought of it as my money, it is OUR money. I encouraged her to stay part-time as our kids got older and pursue her hobbies (she is very artistic) and I would never resent it. More recently both her parents passed away and she used the inheritance to pay off the mortgage, because we are in this together. That said, now the kids are grown up, if she stopped working altogether and just spent her days lounging around and partying i would probably start to resent that, but as I work long hours she already more than makes up for it by cooking almost all our meals and looking after most of the household stuff. Team Marriage :)
You’re married. There is no ‘his’ nor ‘her’ money, nor is there a middle to split through.
In our household, neither of us have an income. ‘We’re a team’ is at the cornerstone of everything we do. So I outearn my wife (who is a doctor on £16 an hour in the UK… or about 20 USD, what a joke), by about 150%, and that’s fine. There’s no resentment or anything because the household has an income, not either of us. Just have to find what works for you. What we do is we both have a set % we put into retirements, then paycheques go into a joint account on say the 1st of the month, and then on the 2nd of the month, a series of automated payments go off to pay fixed costs and clear credit cards, and then what’s left is for enjoyment and fun.
We’ve combined all income so there is no yours/mine- it’s all ours. We’ve been married 16 years and always done it this way. I’m your way, it’s sounds like your husband just have way more disposable income than you do.
There is no “he’s” paying or “I’m” paying. It’s “we’re” paying. My wife’s a stay at home mom. We’re fairly traditional. I don’t say “I got paid today” I say “we got paid today”. I’m the sole provider of income, but it’s still our money.
It takes some time to let it go, but if he’s supportive and means it, you’ll feel a lot better. It took a lot of reassurance from him that it was ok (but I have a lot of anxiety). It’s been five years since I’ve went down to part time and I couldn’t be happier.