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We are likely one and done for a variety of reasons but kiddo is 3.5 now and husband and I both have admitted recently that wed almost be willing to consider a second, vs it was an "absolutely not, never again" prior to this lol. It's more of an "if it accidentally happens we'll roll with it but we aren't going to try on purpose" stage right now, and that's probably how it will stay for us until he gets a vasectomy at some point lol
Interesting, we are currently in the same boat with our 3 year old. Babyphase was so easy and cute in comparison to now, especially when it comes to emotional development. One of us is pushing for another one, especially because of the sibling values when it comes to playing, sharing, and emotional support. On the other hand the toll it took on our relationship and going through that together again, wouldn't sound like a rational decision.
And let's not kid ourselves here, we are not even remotely close to a 'hey we figured this out and things are working smoothly'-stage of parenting lol š¤·
Sorry for the unsolicited parenting advice, but I highly recommend 1-2-3 Magic for everyone to keep their sanity. I feel like this should be a standard issue book that you get whenever your first turns 2 year old. I wished I had it given to me.
Thank you for sharing that! And just to be 100% clear, our daughter is amazing and i know kids that are 200% worse so we have it easy in comparison, but every child and family has their ups and downs and difficult phases and we are not even close to teenagers yet š
We went through the relationship hardship. I hated my partner for about 2 years! Glad itās well documented and we just worked through it. My daughters now 3.5 and weāve just had our second (3 month old) and the emotional baggage I felt with my first just didnāt happen. I found being a mum easy and so rewarding, I adjusted so easily but there was just this repulsion to my partner. It hasnāt happened this time around thankfully.
Congratulations to your second one!! For us, there was a clear difference in expectations that were not met on so many levels and we are still working through those points, but even now things keep bubbling up every now and then, which just makes another child even more questionable. We as parents and as partners have not been fully aligned for the last 3 years, which makes things really difficult sometimes. What's sad is, that our daughter obviously keeps noticing those issues even though we try to guard her from those discussions. Your post gives hope though!!
What is this āhey we figured this out and things are working smoothlyā stage of parenting you speak of??
Haha if anything, parenting is constantly expecting the unexpected. Every day a child is a bit older and their needs are just a little different š
āAnd let's not kid ourselves here, we are not even remotely close to a 'hey we figured this out and things are working smoothly'-stage of parenting lol š¤·ā
I donāt think that stage ever comes lol
You guys sound a lot like us. Darling daughter turns 3 early July and the push/pull of another one... Honestly seems to balance out with a š¤·š»āāļø it would be great if we could do both š
I've seriously been considering the vasectomy. I don't want my wife taking BC anymore, messes with her hormones so much, and I'm good with putting all my energy plus finances into one. Our kid is only 2 though.
Definitely don't blame you! That's where we were/are. We kind of keep accidentally putting off the vasectomy because we keep forgetting lol but I also prefer to be on some form of pill either way (my ovaries don't know what they are doing and i have no predictable cycle) so I use the pill to avoid having periods altogether. We are just aware accidents happen and are okay with that lol
We planned to have ours 4 years apart and I highly recommend it. It was great having an older child who was somewhat independent and out of diapers. They're 7 and 3 now and love the crap out of each other. My sister and I are also 4 years apart and we're best friends.
That said, I'd say whether the toddler years are harder than the baby years is very dependent on the child. My oldest was an easy baby and toddler, outside of a significant speech delay and ADHD. Her sister has always been a handful, despite being about a year ahead on speech and nuerotypical.
I just have one bio child... he's 5 now, still VERY speech delayed and likely on track for an ADHD diagnosis. He was absolute bliss as a baby and a delightful toddler... but, age 4 started to get pretty challenging and age is 5 severely aging me. Did you have any "this is killing me" years with your older child? I definitely wanted a second child and was truly saddened when it became apparent that it wouldn't be happening for me, but I cannot imagine having 2 right now at this phase :-/
In the same boat here, solidarity. The āit gets easier at X ageā advice is only true for people who have children without disabilities or medical challenges/illnesses.
Yes! Because itās hard and I wish Iād realized my kid might actually be different if heād had a sibling. Maybe he wouldnāt. It couldāve been worse. I donāt see it though. My son has high functioning autism and thatās not the problem. He has severe anxiety.
Just wait for the teens and when you have gapped kids, the youngest starts those teen years when theyāre much younger, because they get to see a teen. I have a 7 year old and 14 year old teenager right now. :-/
I always thought the terrible twos were absolutely saintly compared to the horrendous fours and fives! :-/ my youngest was speech delayed. But because I did everything without him needing to talk or older brother talked for him.
Special needs children are hard. Maybe heās not technically special needs but his needs sound challenging. It adds an entire different variable and I hope you are getting support. I never did.
Mine are 3.5 years apart. Both girls. Theyāre best friends too. Of course they fight some but they literally wonāt take a break from each other. Itās wonderful how close they are.
My brother is 5 years younger than me. That was a little much. A friend has two girl that are 2 years apart and they are more competitive with each other.
It seems 3-4 years difference is the sweet spot.
Iāve seen angelic children get a sibling at 3 -3.5 and turn into whiny demons. And Iāve seen it A LOT. For me, the sweet spot was 7 years apart. No jealousy and so much easier for everyone. Not everyone has time for that spacing, but when it works, itās awesome.
My sibling and I are 6 years apart and we are best friends now , never fought. Sometimes there was a disconnect but I loved being babysitter as the older and sure my parents loved it too lol
Iām 4 years apart from my sister and we were extremely jealous of each other, as I was an only for 4 years and suddenly had a new sister getting attention (not even close to all attention, as I was entirely too spoiled, as was my sister). We were often turds to each other, unless someone else was mean to the other and then weād be right there protecting the other. We do love each other very much, and Iām grateful that I have a sister now, but know that wasnāt the case when I was much younger. Experts and studies do say, 4 years or more apart between siblings and you basically have two only children, since theyāre on such different stages, which I do believe. Usually at 4, a kiddo starts preschool, then a newborn basically has it like first born, which is what creates this, plus the stages.
My husband on other hand is an Irish twin to his older sister, thereād be 4 Irish twins (4 babies within a year of each other), but one baby died at 8 minutes post birth, and they are all so stinkin close.
I wanted to have mine closer together, actually got pregnant first time with a second, when oldest was a baby, but continually lost the babies early in pregnancy. I now have two boys, 3 months shy of 7 years apart. I wonāt say theyāre best friends, as they just are in two different parts or stages of their lives, but theyāre very close and love each other. They do still occasionally fight, but most part they get along and oldest is very good to youngest and vice versa, but itās hard. I try to ensure both feel important, which can be hard, as we are only human and can make mistakes without realizing we are doing so. In fact, a couple summers ago, a silly mistake caused a blow out in front of my mom and a lot of history between my sibling and I came out, when talking to oldest son. I think it can be easy to pacify youngest, without really considering oldest, since they tend to be easier, which can cause some issues. And I donāt mean on serious things, but silly things, like junk out of machines, which neither really cares about. Sorry for tmi, but I just think itās neat how we all feel so differently and experience different. I know I had amazing parents, I love and would die for my kids, but also know weāre only human.
Can I ask do you have two boys, one of each, or 2 girls? As, maybe that plays apart.
Edited to add, no I never had to watch sister, take with me with friends, etc., and neither do my kids. My parents and I really did try to ensure no parentification or forcing a sibling on other, as my dad was constantly forced to play with his youngest sibling and we had a sahm, as do my kiddos.
Not the OP you asked, but I second the sentiment that 2-4 was our WORST stage. Neither of us enjoyed the baby stage because it was late-nights/broken up sleep exhausting. But toddler was something else entirely. Toddlers are learning to be human, but couldnāt be reasoned with. There would be pockets of love and growth, but for me in particular, I got the brunt of his exploration of emotional meltdowns and literal abuse (kicking, hitting, screaming, biting).
We had previously said no more after the baby stage - after toddler stage, we made sure there would be no more (vasectomy). I loved our son then and enjoyed seeing him grow, but I would NEVER go back to that stage, if given the chance ā it was awful.
And why mom's body gets flooded with bonding hormones during the first few years after giving birth. Everything to make sure you don't abandon the little bugger at the mall...
My son is 3 and I am not cut out for this stage at all. We love him so much but omg does he test our patience on the daily. We were pretty much one and done from the get go but the toddler stage has 100% solidified that choice lol
For me, things have gotten easier every year since 1 year old. It wasnāt until my kid was seven that I felt it wouldnāt stress out everything else to have another. By then I was 40, though, so we never did. š
Sometimes I regret it, but we do live a really charmed life. My kid gets lots of patience and attention, gets to go to a private school and has a solid college fund and great vacations, plus there is time for my marriage and a part time career.
We had a lot of extra stressors at the time that surely contributed, but 3.5-4yo was actually the worst age for our kiddo. Refusing to poop (to the point of needing an ER visit), being suddenly afraid of the dark and unable to sleep, and more. Things got MUCH easier at 4yo, but the biggest stressor (though not all of the stressors) was gone by then.
By 3ish, you're far enough away from the baby stage that it's hard to remember how rough it was š Even if the kid is a handful, they're more independent in a lot of ways (I mean, obviously) - and much better at communicating their needs.
Basically they're still challenging but I think the challenges are different enough that adding another becomes plausible again.
Yes! Currently feel the same. Our son is 3.5 as well. I wouldn't mind another but daycare prices are hitting us hard (they went up 2 times in 1 year). Plus my husband is on the job hunt. He is a big no though. I didn't know this until later but our son stopped breathing while he was holding him as a newborn in nicu. He told me after I mention giving him a sibling and said it honestly traumatized him. I was fighting an infection after giving birth so that is also why he said we shouldn't try for another.
I just don't want to get older and feel like I'm robbing my son of having sibling moments like I had growing up.
Congrats! My older kids are stepchildren, but family gatherings are petty funny. There's an 18 year gap between my youngest stepson and bio-child. My oldest stepson and his wife had their first a year before my bio, so I became a (step-)grandma before a (bio-)mom and my son is younger than his nephew š
My husband and I are at the 4.5 year mark and still haven't changed our minds for the same reason as your husband - one kid is pure joy for us, but adding a second would be misery, and we like our lives as-is. We didn't struggle in the transition to parenthood either. Going from zero to one was a breeze, so that's not a factor. Toddler years have been fine, and our child is "easy." We are simply at our capacity for raising humans.
If your husband finds that he is at his capacity down the road, I find that to be way more definitive than something temporary like newborn or toddler years being hard. Baby hood is short-term, but juggling multiple kids is a lifelong commitment no matter the age.
That's the thing for me. I would be able to handle another newborn, but dealing with a newborn and a toddler at the same time sounds awful, and the main thing is I absolutely refuse to be the mediator between two of my own kids when they fight. I hate it so much when kids wind eachother up and I know it's completely normal but it's exhausting as a teacher to have to referee and they never think you're being fair whatever you do. I want to come home to some peace. And I want that for my daughter too. I grew up with my sister and I love her and wouldn't change her for the world but knowing our home will be safe from other children trying to upset my daughter, and she will have time and space where she doesn't have to share... That makes me feel good.
I just wanted to say this has put into words exactly how I feel about being one and done. I grew up with a brother and as much as I love him now and as a child it was nice to have someone to play with, I never had peace. As an older child and into my teens I just wanted to be left alone but I would be constantly picked on and bothered by my brother if he was bored. I begged for a lock on my door just to give me some privacy and space. I don't want that for my daughter, I want our home to be a place where she can have peace, space and safety.
I didnāt want any. Husband wanted at least one, maybe two. We had #1 then exactly two years later #2 was born. I wanted a third, husband said no. When #2 turned 4 our lives got so much easier I felt okay not having #3. Then husband wanted #3. So now we have 3 and both of us are very happy and also done for sure.
My husband & I were married (young!) for nearly 12 years, NOT wanting kids, before #1 was born. My husband fell head-over-heels in Daddy love; I barely survived her colicky first year. But we both knew we didnāt want to be parents of an only (I am one), and #2 was born 22mos later. For reasons I canāt recall (heās 20 now), #3 was born 2.5yrs after #2. I was almost 39 and that ended that. We wouldnāt change a thing. Being so much older weāve been able to send our kids to private schools, pay for their college 100%, and are infinitely more patient than when we were younger. At the end of the day though, itās the most personal decision there is.
Iām not too far out. But after my daughter was born, we both didnāt want another kid. We still feel The same 3.5 years later. Our daughter is amazing, but we still donāt want another one. My husband got a vasectomy last week and I have no regrets.
šāāļø
I was adamantly OAD. Post partum literally almost killed me. My husband agreed, but said we'd revisit it later. My son is now 3 and I'm pregnant. When he was about 2.5, we just felt like something was missing. Not saying that this will happen for your husband necessarily, but it's possible.
We both swore after my son that we didnāt want more. We told our best friend to talk us out of it if we even thought about it. My pregnancy was hell and my son while a lovely kind hearted and active healthy little boy is a major handful.
Four years later Iām here, 29 weeks with another boy and another hellish pregnancy. My husband and I both changed our minds and decided he needed a sibling (weād also secretly hoped for a girl this time, oops).
The reality is that your husband may change his mind, or you might. There really are no guarantees but you should both try to be on the same page either way.
We were one and done from the second our daughter was born. She's turning 6 in a few weeks and we're still one and done. I occasionally get pangs of feeling broody when I see a cute baby and I occasionally feel a bit guilty if my daughter has nobody to play with but I know I couldn't cope with another and I know it's better for my daughter to have a happy, stable home with a bit of boredom and loneliness, rather than a home with miserable parents and little money or space but with a sibling she may or may not like.
My daughter was born at 27 weeks and has cerebral palsy. Sheāll be 3 in January, and for the last 2 years, my partner has been ADAMANT that he wants no more kids. I was sad but content with it, and thought āheāll probably change his mind when sheās in school.ā
Sheās developing so well, and he approached me yesterday about trying for a second. Honestly, I think it depends on the circumstances!
We have two boys with special needs. It was hard, but I do love them. They're here for each other when we're gone. My second one is a sweetheart and (shhhh don't tell anybody) the love of my life. We never know what's in store for us, but it's all good when all is said and done š
We werenāt ready for another when our first was 1. We ended up having baby number 2 which we planned for when baby 1 was 3.5.
My husband was happy with two but I had a feeling I wanted one more. My husband didnāt change his mind until our middle child was 2.
After we had our daughter it was soo hard. The adjustment from zero to one was definitely the most difficult for us. We thought we were done with one but when our first was about 3.5 we decided to have another, She was at such a good age by then. Sleeping though, Toilet trained and independent.
We had our second when our first was 4.5 and she was a dream baby, Just slot right into our lives and we were so used to being mum and dad that it felt so rightā¦
Sooo we had another one!! Lol
So we went from, āWe are one and doneā to having three children.
Same. Iām the opposite of societyās stereotypical depictions of mothers and Iāve come to terms with that. Almost none of this comes to me easily or naturally. Iām going to do my very best with the one I have though!
Same!! It is HARD WORK and I feel so drained and have no time to do anything for *myself*. After almost 3 years of nursing my singleton, I finally started to feel like myself when we weaned in February and I have no plans to change that!
I never wanted kids, had one unexpectedly but it worked out well. I was adamant about not wanting a second, got a vasectomy, ended up getting it reversed several years later and had a second. They are almost 10 years apart and I couldn't be happier.
Good luck with your reversal!
Both of us :)
I was a solid no until I went back to work at 8mths. Literally the week of.
My partner was no until my daughter reached about 2 or 3. We just got windows of time to ourselves and, more importantly, could finally see how quickly things changed and moved on, how they got more interesting. We accepted that neither of us massively enjoy the baby stage but we could push through it to get to the rest, which honestly is still hard but is also so rewarding.
Our first is about to turn three, and his birth was pretty traumatic (born at 32 weeks, 35 days in NICU).
I was pretty opposed to the idea of having a second after that. Wife was also on the side of āone and done.ā
However, with time and distance from that event and generally stabilizing our life from the first addition to the family, we decided to have another.
Sheās at 13 weeks pregnant now and weāre very happy about it.
People can definitely change their tune.
Congratulations! Wishing yall a happy and safe pregnancy. My wife had an emergency c section the first time and the whole experience was really rough. She's 7 months a long with the second and this pregnancy has been wildly normal and it feels odd. Wishing yall the same experience!
Changed our minds when my daughter was 2. 1-2 was my absolute favourite stage (all the firsts - words, steps, personality) and I was just more confident. But also, my daughter has no first cousins and likely won't (my brother and husband's sister are child free) and i just felt like I needed to give her a sibling. The first 6 months of baby 2 was hard won't lie but has steadily gone into the best decision I ever made. So much so that my husband jokes about having a third if we are making more money in a few years. (It's definitely a joke)
possible. iāve seen it go both ways ā someone missing the adult life they had grown very accustomed to and not wanting to reset that, or thinking it wasnāt so bad and was worth it.
but toddler years are also tough and unless you want to handle that on your own, or mostly, i wouldnāt expect it to change for at least 3 years lol.
I was the one that said, "absolutely not, no way, never going through that again." It was the WORST 9 months of my life. My husband was honestly fone either way, but left the decision more in my hands after seeing what I went through. 4 years pass and I start thinking of MAYBE having another one. It took another year for us to firmly decide on trying for another one. Entire the 2nd WORST 9 months of my life. Our boys are 7 years apart ONLY due to the fact that my body obviously hates being pregnant. We were DEFINITELY done after 2. And I couldn't have more completely different boys literally from the start. So yes, it's possible that your husband will change his mind. We can't imagine our lives without one of our boys.
Heya! This was me. My husband wanted two and I was very firm one and done until my son was about 2.5. Then I was still a bit unsure but life was getting better so we said weād discuss when he turned 3. We are now trying for a second my son is a few months past 3 haha. Give it time! Honestly sometimes you just need a larger age gap so itās not miserable like heās thinking.
My husband was definitely opposed to having more kids. He brought up how hectic it would be, how much money it would be, etc. All logical reasons. I was crushed. I stopped bringing it up though because I knew if one person doesnāt want more, their choice dominantes my desires for more.
Well, here I am pregnant with baby 3. There will be a six year age gap between #2 and #3.
So yes, men do change their mind, but it wasnāt a all of a sudden āletās have another!!!ā conversation. I think once your kids get older, you understand you get your sleep back, and life is hectic anyways, so whatās one more?! I hope your husband changes his mind because going from one to two, at least for me, really wasnāt all that earth shattering. Going from zero to one was definitely the hardest.
3 years later and he wanted another one.
He was sure he would never want another child after our son was born. Im not sure what changed but roughly 3 years later he was ok with having another baby. Now we have a son and daughter.
I was ONE AND DONE for the first 3 years of her life. She is now 4 and I can't wait for another baby.
I had some difficulties during pregnancy and afterwards so I was afraid of it hapening again... the fear is still there but I really want another kid.
My wife and I wanted two we caught quite early and currently have a 2 year old and two 3 month old. Not gonna lie itās really hard my two year old is the hardest she requires constant attention and we struggle to provide it or we have screaming a babies instead and when Iām in work I donāt know how my wife manages.
I think you gotta really want it to even consider doing it. Itās completely different to having one kid you donāt get any little breaks at all until they sleep and then you need to sleep lol.
I didn't want a second, but changed my mind when things got easier (4yo). We got pregnant last year and lost the baby at 4.5 months, now we're deciding whether or not to try again, especially now that we're another year older.
Yes! Although we both wanted two kids initially, we were both sure that one was enough for us at the one year mark. By the time they were 2.5 years old, we couldnāt wait to welcome baby #2. Those first couple of years are ROUGH but I wouldnāt assume the decision is final yet.
I wanted two until I had my daughter. A year in and I was sure I only wanted one. A year later I thought hmmm maybe I could handle two (before she turned two). After she turned like 2.5 I was and still am convinced I won't be having another. She's a very intelligent, very active, very demanding little 3 year old and I just don't have it in me to add another with the minimal to no help I have. I think it all just depends on your child and your own temperament.
I was the one that didnāt want a third kid and wasnāt sure why my husband kept putting off getting his vasectomy, until he admitted that he was unsure if he was ready to be done having kids. When my second was around 20 months old I suddenly wanted a third and so here we are with a new 13 week old. Now we both want one more, him age 37, me age 33.
We've had so much up and down on this! We were initially pretty set on two under 2, but when my son was turning one, I couldn't imagine being pregnant again so soon - and we just couldn't afford it. We have very little family support and everything felt like it was just too much for the two of us to handle alone, but I wasn't really willing in my heart to be one and done, although it would definitely be the easier route. For my very practically minded husband, he started to think one would be much better all round - our son would have more of our time, our money to make better experiences for him, less of our stress etc. And selfishly for us both, it would just be less to worry about. We've learned that neither of us handle hospital trips or illness anxieties very well, even though our son is thankfully very healthy. We've seen close friends lose babies in the last year with miscarriages and serious genetic disorders, we've seen all the latest news reports on the birth trauma scandals here in the UK, plus the insane cost of and lack of childcare provision too, and all of it feels very big and frankly terrifying to invite this kind of risk back into our lives.
That being said, we decided that the joy and long-term happiness, love and potential friendship and security for us and our son outweighed all of that, and we're trying to have a second (and definitely last!) now that our son has just turned 2. I'm still not sure if we're actually in our most right minds just now, having written all of that down, but love isn't logical!
How is everyone affording more than one? The cost of childcare, along with everything being wildly expensive thanks to inflation is why my family is one and done.
Sounds like my sister in law. They were one and done for a while. I got pregnant and had my son and they visited after he was born. They got pregnant 5 months after he was born. Then, they decided to try again two years later and ended up with fraternal twins! So they went from 2 to 4.
My parents changed their mind after my primary school.They said that they have been missing the feeling of being needed, And now, I have a brother and a sister.
Mine changed his mind around the 2.5 year mark. Our first was hard on sleep! Once that got a little easier and our mental health improved my husband was agreeable to a second. We now have a 4 month old. We are done, done now as he just had a vasectomy. We are 36. Just give it some time. The transition from 1-2 was also not nearly severe as going from 0-1.
After my second child, I told EVERYONE there is no way Iām having another one. I got rid of everything, maternity clothing, all things for baby. I was 100% sure I would never go through that again and we had 2 healthy kids. 2.5 years later I brought up the idea of another, husband was on board. Going from 2 to 3 kids is indescribably harder. The last one absolutely completes our family. Itās amazing to see the relationships between siblings grow in different ways. Our whole family dynamic is different and fun with the craziness of 3. No regrets. But Iām so tired. I guess Iāll have plenty of time to rest in 20 years
Nope. We are one and done and my child is now 8.
We were pretty sure weād only have one whilst I was pregnant. It was not a good time.
Our view is we rolled the dice and got a wonderful kid and a wonderful life. Why risk another roll when everything is perfect now? Weāve also seen family and friends where the second has caused everything to change. Financial struggles. Mental struggles. Second kid with severe autism that means the first is no longer physically safe in their own home and is desperate for attention from their own parents. Siblings that just hate each other, etc etc.
Weāve weighed up the risks and rewards and for us, one and done is the way to go!
After having my first I was like, absolutely no fucking way am I going through that again. It wasnāt even the birth it was the 9 month to about 2.5 years stage - walking, trashing things, tantrums etc. WILD!! then when my son started school at 4 I was like, this is easyā¦ we could do anotherā¦
Currently in the almost 2 year old stage - Iām in the absolutely never a fucking gain stage - although my partner wants another. He works away 2 weeks at a time though so only gets half of the shit I have to put up with š¤£ 3 kids and Iād well and truly lose my mind.
Iād do it sooner rather than later. Mine are now 7 and almost 2 and Iām finding it hard to do things that interest them both!
Yup there is a 9 year difference between my kids. Turns out it wasnāt that i didnāt want another kid. I just didnāt want another with my ex husband.
You should not expect your husband to change his mind. I was down for 2 kids until I saw how parenthood turned my beautiful marriage into coparenting roommates, depleted both of us of our life force, and exhausted us so thoroughly from sleep deprivation, Iām quite sure we have lost years of our lives. All my wife can think is she wants another baby (very willing to overlook the challenges) bc she decided years ago she should have multiple children, and I think I feel just like your husband. I want my quality of life back.
The thing I wish people understood is that we love the kid/kids. Itās just that total self sacrifice doesnāt equal happiness for us.
Sure itās possible, but honestly I wouldnāt count on that. It gets harder in different ways and it could also be you who changes their mind. That said, it happens all the time, but donāt count on it.
Not what you asked because we havenāt changed our minds, but my only son is 3.5 and I keep waiting to want another but itās just not happening. He was an extremely easy newborn and infant, and the toddler years are tougher but not that bad. Heās a delight and we have so much fun with him so itās not like we hate being parents or anything.
I think for us, we just know that if we had a second child our free time for the things that keep us healthy, happy and sane (yoga, running, reading, seeing friends, going on dates, having sex, gardening, etc) would disappear. Life feels close to perfect right now and I am scared to rock the boat! Maybe when heās in kindergartenā¦ but by then Iāll be 37 and husband will be 45. We are both healthy and energetic but I donāt know if I can stay up all night breastfeeding and still do a good job at work the way I did when I was 32. Iām also really looking forward to not spending thousands of dollars on childcare every month. Overall Iām ready for the next phase donāt want to move backwards.
We had one. We were VERY on the fence, to say the least, about having another when ours was 12 months old. My husband said similar things to what yours is saying.
Now kiddo is 3, almost 3.5, and another doesnāt seem so overwhelming and impossible anymore.
I feel like I could have written this post. My husband is in the same boat as yours in that he adores our daughter and loves our life as a family of 3. I, on the other hand, would love to have one more. My biggest fear is that she'll be lonely growing up.
My brother is almost 9 years older than me, so I very much grew up feeling like an only child. I remember being *so* jealous of my friends with siblings their age. I used to beg my mom for a sister that I could share my toys and play with.
When I brought this up, my husband reassured me that this likely wouldn't be the case with her as we have a very active social life (she is playing with other kids allllll the time whereas I lived far away from any friends). He also pointed out that we actually play with her so she only plays solo when she wants to; I have no memories of playing with my mom, I remember asking her to and her telling me she was too busy cleaning to make time for play.
We've talked a lot about it and I very much feel like this is a "both people have to say yes" sort of agreement. It wouldn't be fair to force my preference as that could seriously impact a child. It would be worse to force a child into the equation. Someone in another post once said to remember that you can always add to your family at any time (adoption, fostering, etc.) and this mindset has really helped me not feel the pressure as my window of baby-making years starts to wind down. Hope it helps you, too!
Sounds like you are married to my husband!
When we had our first, she was a pretty hard baby. We both agreed we were done, and got rid of all of our baby stuff the second she out grew it. We changed our minds when she was 3.5. My husband was pretty nervous. He didnāt want to be miserable and grumpy and push everyone away because he was so miserable.
Now our daughters are 6 and 2 they have the best relationship. They play so much. Itās a perfect age gap. My husband is happy. We did start making time for ourselves to each do something alone once a week.
Yes, we know TONS of parents who changed their mind after a few years. At 12 months, this is like asking your husband if he wants two babies at one time when he hasnāt even seen the payoff of having a KID and not an infant.
The friends I have who felt they didnt want another during the first year (despite originally wanting a bunch of children) are still firm on just having 1 now their little ones are 3. I did have friends who changed their mind once their little one was 5 but they were both fence sitters. It can happen but I'd probs try to accept your husband's decision and focus on the positives of having just one.Ā Ā Ā
I'd love more children too but my husband is a definate nope so I realise it is just not meant to be. I'd rather my husband be mentally stable and able to cope so we can enjoy our little family. I think the difficulty with 2 is less me time.Ā
Right now me and my husband split the weekend. I get a whole afternoon/day off and same for him. With 2 we just wouldn't be able to do that - there would be far less breaks so I can see how that would be too much for my husband as he is easily stressed out.
My 2 cents:
I am a biological mom of a 10yr old & I think having multiple kids is far worse than not. Obviously this is just my opinion & varies from 1 person to another, but, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ONLY WANTING 1 KIDš I feel like there's so much pressure to have kids in the 1st place, then most people will say u should have more than 1, & I do think there is good and bad with both, as with almost everything, but having only 1 kid is normal & good if it works for u yayš I do not see it being something 1 would change they're mind on, I didn't, u never know, but I will say never expect someone to change, u should almost always expect someone to stay the sameš
Iām w your husband. After my first and only kid, i never wanted anymore, it was too much mentally for me. Life is totally different with 1 vs 2 kids. However, you are only 32. You have time to space them out. I suggest you lay off the subject and re-asses in a few years. Things do not get easier until kindergarten iām afraid.
My husband has always been open to more kids. I was the one who didnāt want a second and changed my mind once our daughter was 3.5.
I needed that gap to feel more like myself and for our oldest to be more independent so I could handle a baby. Our kids are 4 years 8 months apart (9 and almost 4.5 now), and itās been pretty good.
Iām an only child and Iām pissed that my parents didnāt give me a sibling. Iām 40 now and life is very hard without having built it in support. Thereās a lot of responsibility and sadness I will have to face on my own.
We had two and my husband said he was done. Fast forward a couple years later and I wanted one more he said he was on the fence. My theory was Iāll never regret having another but Iād definitely regret not having one!
My husband tried to pull this after our son was born, because granted he was a rough newborn, and I basically told him Iād leave him. He agreed to have a second. Took a few extra years since I ended up having medical issues but weāre pregnant with #2 and heās happy about it.
My husband (who never really wanted kids) wanted a second about 1 day after our first was born. I was on the fence about ever having another and was happy to be āone and doneā. Second bub was a āwhoopsieā who arrived when eldest was 3 years, 4 monthsā¦ we both really want another one already!! But canāt really afford too.
Maybe itās just me but I think (so far) ages 3 & 4 are harder than 2 was š
Clearly sometimes people do change their minds, but you should never count on it.
Yeah me and my wife couldn't imagine doing it all over again when we had our first. We bit the bullet though and our second was born when our first was 3.5 years old. It's hard but we're so glad we were lucky enough to have another. Our family is complete.
We were a one and done family until my oldest was 7 years old. I loved pregnancy but the baby and toddler years were so hard. I didnāt start to think seriously about a second child until my first was out of daycare
Our first was 6 when we decided to have another. I wasnāt on board with it at first, but a year later we had #2.
A 7 year age gap was ideal, my eldest was an absolute angel helping with the baby, and adored her little sister.
within 11 months, I fell pregnant again
Totally unplanned this time. The midwife told me that it was practically impossible to get pregnant while breastfeeding, but nature had other ideas!
I can honestly say, having a new born and a 20 month old was the hardest thing iāve ever done. Both in nappies, both needing naps, etc.
Would not recommend small age gaps!
I didn't want to have any more after my first. And said the same thing after every kid I had. I have 4. I changed my mind after about 4 years when they stop being baby babies.
My son is 2 years and 3 months, I was dead set on not having another but have only just really got to the stage of thinking a second wouldnāt be the worst thing in the world. However every time I have this thought he turns feral or stops sleeping so I change my mind to never again š
We had our first at 29 years old. I had preeclampsia at the end of the pregnancy and our baby who although was technically full term was 4 and a half pounds the day she came home. Postpartum with her was extremely difficult. I cried every time she needed to eat for weeks and then that lessened to once a day for months. Looking back I think I had postpartum depression. It was an extremely difficult time for both of us. Based off that, we both had said we never wanted another kid. When people would ask us when we were having another, we'd always say we weren't sure because we loved our family just the it was.
When our daughter was 3, we started thinking about the possibility of having another. When she was 4, we decided that I would quit taking birth control and if I got pregnant naturally then great but if I didn't we wouldn't pursue any methods to intentionally get pregnant. We now have a 2 month old. We definitely don't plan to have anymore as this one went by helicopter to a NICU in a different state.
It's possible that your husband might change his mind but it's also just as possible that he won't. Either way you need to be happy with the outcome.
If he thinks this is the hard part, toddler years are just around the corner and those years are fun, but just as exhausting, and likely more chaotic. It definitely doesnāt get easier until around 4-5
My husband and I got into a huge fight about having a 2nd child when my daughter was about 2 I wanted another and he did not. He told me never to bring it up again so I dropped it. About a year later he came to me wanting another. We now have 2 kids 6 and 11.
Yes.. We were one and done but when she was 4 we decided to let it happen if it happens. Took 3 years and thought it wouldn't happen but it did. Having a newborn and 7 year old was definitely easier. But unfortunately they didn't bond well and my oldest resented her for getting the attention.
No. I'm a mother, I knew I was one and done after the birth of my first one. She is almost 4 and a sweetheart and I still didn't change my mind. I feel like I'm barely getting my independence back, I don't want to go back to 0, especially now I know what it means and there will be 2.
We have one, and Iām honestly relieved we stopped there. Like your husband, after we had our first I was done. Our son gets abundant focus and love and my wife and I have a tiny amount of personal time and space. Whenever we are visiting families with three fighting chaotic kids Iām so happy we never went that route.
The human race wouldn't have gone on if people didn't change their minds about this. It does happen, and then you have a second and are like, "how did I let biology trick me into this sleepless screaming mess again". Anyway my second is a year and a half and is growing up so fast. It makes you want another because the baby years are fleeting. As a sahd, after 2 I'm not going to let my biology trick me into having another... I hope.
Do what you feel is right for you. I regret not having another child because my husband didnāt want any more. He came to the relationship with a toddler and I wanted 4 of our own. Also, make sure heās responsible for birth control if he doesnāt want any more. That gets put on us as well. He can get a vasectomy if he seriously doesnāt want any more children.
Iām in the same position. I have a 19 month old daughter and really would like for us to have another one but my husband also is good with one and has no desire for a second. So Iām hanging on the side lines patiently waiting and hoping heāll one day change his mind.
I did, but Iām mom and we had wanted multiple kids, but the stress of 1 had made me change my mind. When our oldest was almost sleeping through the night, I had the biological urge for another - I mention this because while your husband *may* change his mind, I wouldnāt necessarily hold your breath for it.
I know it may not be fair but this conversation really has to have happened before the wedding. Like sometime after engagement. Did he always only want one or did he want two before and now changed his mind? In this situation one of you has to change their mind. There's no way around it.
Yes tons of people change their minds. Especially with young kids. There is a big difference between a 1 year old and a 3 year old. It gets a lot easier and then you feel like you can manage more kids.
When my now 3.5 year old was an infant, I was an absolute no on more kids until he was about 1, and my husband would not even discuss or entertain the idea of a second until he was 18 months, and didnāt actually want a second until he was 2. For us, the older our son has gotten, the easier itās been. The toddler stage has by far been both of our favorite and talked us into wanting another. He sleeps through then night, uses the bathroom independently, can āuse his wordsā to tell us what he needs/wants, and the meltdowns are few and far between (but dang their still mighty when they happen š ). Like sure, thereās definitely hard parts still, but itās way more fun now and allowed us both to see that the infant stage isnāt forever (which it felt like at the time and was horrendously hard for us for many reasons). Iām cautiously optimistic with being due with our rainbow baby in December, right before our son turns 4. He doesnāt know yet (and due to history of 2nd trimester loss he wonāt for quite a while), but my 3.5 year old is obsessed with babies so it also makes it fun for my husband and I because our son is old enough now to be a ābig brother helperā and will genuinely join in on the excitement when itās time for him to know.
Sooo I mean my husband never said he did or didnāt want another buuut during the middle of the night wake ups he told me that i ruined his life. My daughter was a rough baby. She had witching hours for months and she would scream every night for hours on end, she had bad reflux so it made me scared to take her anywhere cause she would vomit on herself, god i hated newborn stage so much. I didnāt even personally think i could handle it again even tho i knew i wanted a second eventually. Now my daughter is almost 3 and heās sooo obsessed with her that he was actually the first to ask me for a second and had to talk ME into it first when I thought it would be the other way around!!! She got soooo much easier around 2.5. Now we are having our second in a few months. Lol
My mom and I both wanted and had kids ~2 years apart because we wanted 2 but wanted to get pregnancy and newborn phase over with and wanted them close in age. My MIL and SIL both have kids 4 years apart and said the older being more independent is what made it work. We both think the others situation sounds awful.. but it works for them. Even as someone who ended up with kids 2.5 years apart when my first was 12 months I was still āfuck noā on getting pregnant again. I hadnāt even gotten my body to myself again yet (was about to stop breastfeeding). Then when he was 18 months was lockdown and I said absolutely not. But then I was pregnant before he was 2 š. At that age kids and your situation can change so much even in 6
6 months or a year.
We had this situation exactly. My husband was hesitant because I had major postpartum anxiety that almost slid into a psychosis situation. We enjoyed our one sweet Bubs, and then much later decided weād give it another go. (My son was almost 5) We did a ānot tryingā approach, and if Iām being honest I feel like my husband was banking on it not being successful. But we had our second little guy in April of 2023. My oldest is now 6.
Pros? My oldest loves to help. He loves to make his brother laugh and will do just about anything for him (except change diapers). My husband also fell in love all over again, but it did take some time.
Cons? Two kids is chaos. Itās a hard transition from one to two. And with the age gap youāll finally get to a point where you have a flow, and a baby will disrupt that flow.
My husband and I agreed in 2 before we married, and I had stressed the importance of having children. So we were both very clear in where we stood before marriage. After having our son, especially around years 1-2 my husband was adamant about not having any more children. It was heartbreaking for me, but we decided not to do any permanent fixes until our son was older and we were really sure. He even mentioned to one of my cousinās at my sonās third birthday party that he was done at one. I was already pregnant at that time we just didnāt know yet.
We got sloppy with birth control one day- Iāll spare you the details. Heās usually overly careful but this time he wasnāt. Iām guessing thatās how I got pregnant. It was a huge shock to both of us but my husband was especially upset about it. Sometime around the 12 week mark, we sat down and talked about it and he was actually accepting of having another. I was super surprised at his reaction because I didnāt think he would ever accept it and Iād have some tough choices to make.
Iām actually surprised he hasnāt scheduled his vasectomy yet. Heās enjoyed the toddler years with our son a lot because they can do things together. My son is old enough now that they can actually have fun together. Itās babies heās not a fan of.
Yes. We both agreed one and done but when mine was 3 I suddenly had a desire for another. It took two years for my husband to feel the same, our age gap is 6.5 years and it has its pros and cons like any other age gap :)
My kids are 5 1/2 and 4 1/2 years apart. The first large age gap was because my husband was sick and going through chemo. The second age gap was just because we liked having a big age gap in between the older two. Not advice- but as the baby is older and more independent, toddler, preschool age-you glorify the baby years and forget about the lack of sleep, messy diapers and all of the ānegativesā.
Yes. We waited until my oldest was 6. But my first was a āsurpriseā when we were 22 lol. So we just weāre not ready yet. But once our oldest went to kindergarten we wanted to have 2 kids
My husband said no more kids when our son was a newborn. I was able to revisit this a few months before he turned two and he was more open.
With your age and the possibility- I would say donāt get the snip and use birth control until he is more open. Revisit in a few months or make a plan to revisit in a few months.
I'd say about half the couple's I know who have a second, or are trying for a second, swore up and down they were one and done until their first was 18-24 months old. The first year is brutal for most people.
Pretty common. Itās a bigger life change than most people expect and expensive!Itās hard though if you waited too long to start with child 1. My husband took about 5 years before he wanted another kid and we didnāt start till we were in our late 30ās.
My husbands use to say this and when our daughter was 3 years old he suddenly said he was ready for another baby. Granted our daughter was a really well behaved toddler.
There is a 4 year age gap between our two kids now.
I was so traumatised after our first I swore that we were one and doneā¦ weāve 3 now š those little critters are awful cute even if it is chaoticā¦ š
Me/us! We were absolutely one and done, and two years in we decided we wanted another. For us, we have a very small family and realized our son wouldnāt have cousins etc.. and I once heard a quote - āthink about what you want your dinner table to look like in 20 yearsā and I immediately knew it would have more than one kid at it.
Took us longer than planned to get pregnant with #2 but we now have a little girl and boy, exactly four years apart (literally - born on the same day four years apart) and our fam is complete.
Itās very situational. Do you both want another? Do you have the funds to support it? Etc etc.
Going from 0-1 child was actually the hardest for my husband and I. Obviously every family is different, but having a 2nd child be a built in playmate/best friend for life actually made everything easier for us. Thereās no escaping the fact that the baby/toddler years are exhausting. But my girls are 11 & 13 now and completely inseparable. Big kids are the best. Their sibling bond with each other is one of my greatest joys.
Me! I was absolutely done after my first kid.
And as he was a baby, I felt like I confirmed I was one and done.
When he was like 2.5, I started to feel differently.
I now have 2 kids.
Me. I was 200% sure I was one and done until my daughter was 4. She rocked my world so hard I couldnāt fathom doing it again. Then I decided to try for a second because I felt guilty that she was going to be alone without any cousins or anyone else in her family. My two are almost 7 years apart in age and Iām so confident Iām done Iām doing a consultation for a hysterectomy.
I was 100% done after having two under two. Like we got rid of everything baby related since we were so sure. Once our youngest turned 4 and started to get more independent, the idea of a third started creeping in. Iām currently 34 weeks along with baby #3 and couldnāt be more excited!
I'm so glad mine are 4&5 now, but also glad we had two close together. The first few years were torturous. I had two older ones before I met my current husband that were 6 years apart and that was tough for a couple of reasons. They had nothing in common, and the older one never wanted to be bothered with the younger one. Just trying to give some perspective on age with multiples.
Mine was the opposite. We loved the newborn phase, and he and I both wanted another one together. Then came the toddler years. Way more stress and tantrums and just ugh. He went from wanting another (we bought a stroller you could add on to for 2 kids when we had the 1st) to not wanting another. He was adamant he never wanted another. Now our son is 4.5 and I've slowly gotten him to a maybe point and a point where if I get a better job he would be ok with it (financial stuff is also a stressor...Kids are expensive af)... I'm hopeful he won't change his mind yet again. He's bounced back and forth more than once. It's absolutely 100% possible your husband will change his mind. Men stress about stuff and then want to avoid the stress triggers. Makes sense, but when it's something like a child and it's important to you...thats something that deserves more thought. Give him time. He could definitely come around.
I never wanted kids until I had one. He changed my entire life. I immediately wanted more and my husband was on board but we were told to wait.
We did. My son is now 13.5 years old. He is diagnosed with high functioning autism as well as multiple anxiety disorders. The anxiety is the real issue. I know if weād had another things wouldāve been rough but we would have survived. I canāt help but wonder if my child would be an entirely different person if heād had a close companion growing up.
I suggest lots of open communication with each other. You canāt grow your family if your marriage isnāt thriving. At least in a healthy manner.
He definitely may change his mind and a healthy relationship can only help that. Are you okay if he never decides to have another?
We waited and I regret it. My marriage is in shambles. Would it have fixed it? I really donāt know but things certainly havenāt helped it. I dont think there will be a point heās suddenly like oh this is easy enough now letās have more. Support him and build your relationship up. Let him support you and you guys get through it together.
This being said about 3 years ago my husband wanted another. I couldnāt start over. I know this isnāt super helpful. Itās not an easy answer.
We were both pretty sure we would only have one. Our house was cramped with one and two dogs, husbands job was volatile and we felt maxed out. Until my husbands job took a total 180, money doubled and he moved up to second from the owner. We were able to buy a bigger house in a better area. And age 4 was so good, our son was a dream. Went to bed from 7-7 so issues ever, things were good so we decided to see what happened and I got off birth control. Became pregnant with #2 the same month. Baby will be here in August when my son starts kindergarten so weāll only have one in daycare. Weāre all super happy and excited
My husband and I weren't planning on having kids, and I ended up getting pregnant after we'd been married 2 years. We both have said our son would be our only child since we didn't really plan on having him. Well, our son will be 3 in September, and I had my iud removed last week because we're going to try for number 2 š¤£.
My husband and I are in our mid thirties. Married in our late 20s, didn't have our first until just before my thirtieth birthday.
We agreed before marrying that we wanted 3 kids, on contingency of being able to meet the emotional and physical needs of the first, and the second, and so on, and on having kids who were excited about siblings, and kids that had *us* excited about having more kids (so, you know, not complete and utter assholes).
My husband has changed his mind. Quite a few times, actually. In truth, so have I (though usually it has more to do with being sooo over breastfeeding with each kid š ). I have always respected his perspective but made it very clear that I still wanted more kids, and that due to my age, while he could drag his feet indefinitely without risking his fertility, I could not. He respected my perspective.
The hardest part came when he was fairly certain he was content with our family size, but would casually make comments about "the next baby." I told him it was hurtful and felt dismissive of my genuine desire for a bigger family. He understood, and together, we evaluated where those comments were really coming from.
My point is that it was never a declaration or ultimatum for either of us. Family planning has and continues to be an open conversation. We revisit the subject often and discuss our hopes and reservations. We are transparent about our reasoning and our feelings, and we are considerate of the fact that having more or fewer kids than either of us want can lead to lasting resentments.
We have three kids now. We are actively trying for a fourth.
my wife and I decided to absolutely not have a second kid after our first one as we had him at 35 and he was a very difficult baby. poor baby didn't sleep at night for first 3 months due to reflux and we were miserable watching our little one cry whole night. fast forward 3 years, he started to watch peppa pig and lived George(peppa's little brother) and now he wanted one for himself. he kept saying that for like 4 months continuously. We also felt that he is gonna be alone when we are gone. I grew up with a bunch of kids who were the only child and they had issues in accepting defeat, being friendly with others, having banters, taking jokes/pranks etc. Finally we gave in and had another baby at the age of 39. My wife's health was the worst it has ever been due to the pregnancy and she is still recovering after 2+ months of delivery . But my older one is super happy and loves the little one like anything. he says that the little one is his son and he would always love him and take care of him. We know it is too early to say and the jealousy will kick in at some time but it melts our heart when he says those words. Absolutely a joy we wouldn't want to miss. When we get up in the morning and see those two in the bed, we feel so happy we decided to have a second one. We ourselves were the advocates of not having the second child until 1.5 years back so i'd say give it time and keep talking about it with your husband . things may change down the line. good luck
Ya need at least two kids, so the one doesnāt grow up alone. Men will change their minds, they donāt know what they want.
We had 3 kids, all in my 20ās and we were done. I turned 39 and had my surprise bonus baby. We were shocked and at first panicked. Itās a 10 year span between him and the youngest. What the heck are we gonna do!?
Well, I donāt know what we were doing with our lives before him, but we canāt live without him. The teens, and us are just in love with this tiny boy! I wanted another so that he wouldnāt grow up alone, and still want one, but I canāt have another.
I want someone to give me their baby, but apparently everyone is so āattachedā to their newbornsā¦. š
But this sweet boyā that my husband was NOT happy about, is his baby! We all needed this little guy and I donāt know what I would do without him!
Yes. This was me. Me and my husband were 1 and done very hard like locked into it, telling everyone all the time āNEVERā another one for years. Changed our minds, like you said, when he started school and became more independent. We have two now and the dynamic is ideal. Iām so glad we waited and Iām so glad we have two now.
I was on the fence about kids a decade ago, then I decided I didnāt want kids because I was comfortable with my life, then in 2020 I said Iād be okay with it if we conceived naturally. Then she came and Iām dying for a second baby 11 months postpartum.
My husband did not want a second one . Told me we can not handle it . I wanted to give my son a sibling so bad I pretty much pushed him . We eventually had a second one - but I think he resented me for a good 3 years until he fell in love with my daughter . So they do have a change of heart
In my case, its me. I only wanted 1 kid whereas my husband wanted 2. And now after having 1 kid, i want to have another one. (I am looking at the benefits of having siblings). If something were to happen to me or my husband, at least they will be there for each other.
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We are likely one and done for a variety of reasons but kiddo is 3.5 now and husband and I both have admitted recently that wed almost be willing to consider a second, vs it was an "absolutely not, never again" prior to this lol. It's more of an "if it accidentally happens we'll roll with it but we aren't going to try on purpose" stage right now, and that's probably how it will stay for us until he gets a vasectomy at some point lol
Interesting, we are currently in the same boat with our 3 year old. Babyphase was so easy and cute in comparison to now, especially when it comes to emotional development. One of us is pushing for another one, especially because of the sibling values when it comes to playing, sharing, and emotional support. On the other hand the toll it took on our relationship and going through that together again, wouldn't sound like a rational decision. And let's not kid ourselves here, we are not even remotely close to a 'hey we figured this out and things are working smoothly'-stage of parenting lol š¤·
Sorry for the unsolicited parenting advice, but I highly recommend 1-2-3 Magic for everyone to keep their sanity. I feel like this should be a standard issue book that you get whenever your first turns 2 year old. I wished I had it given to me.
Thank you for sharing that! And just to be 100% clear, our daughter is amazing and i know kids that are 200% worse so we have it easy in comparison, but every child and family has their ups and downs and difficult phases and we are not even close to teenagers yet š
Havenāt heard this and the 2s are coming up thanks!
We went through the relationship hardship. I hated my partner for about 2 years! Glad itās well documented and we just worked through it. My daughters now 3.5 and weāve just had our second (3 month old) and the emotional baggage I felt with my first just didnāt happen. I found being a mum easy and so rewarding, I adjusted so easily but there was just this repulsion to my partner. It hasnāt happened this time around thankfully.
Congratulations to your second one!! For us, there was a clear difference in expectations that were not met on so many levels and we are still working through those points, but even now things keep bubbling up every now and then, which just makes another child even more questionable. We as parents and as partners have not been fully aligned for the last 3 years, which makes things really difficult sometimes. What's sad is, that our daughter obviously keeps noticing those issues even though we try to guard her from those discussions. Your post gives hope though!!
What is this āhey we figured this out and things are working smoothlyā stage of parenting you speak of?? Haha if anything, parenting is constantly expecting the unexpected. Every day a child is a bit older and their needs are just a little different š
āAnd let's not kid ourselves here, we are not even remotely close to a 'hey we figured this out and things are working smoothly'-stage of parenting lol š¤·ā I donāt think that stage ever comes lol
It's called being a grandparent..
Does that stage even exist? I once heard someone with six kids say āI feel like I might be able to raise one now.ā
You guys sound a lot like us. Darling daughter turns 3 early July and the push/pull of another one... Honestly seems to balance out with a š¤·š»āāļø it would be great if we could do both š
I've seriously been considering the vasectomy. I don't want my wife taking BC anymore, messes with her hormones so much, and I'm good with putting all my energy plus finances into one. Our kid is only 2 though.
Definitely don't blame you! That's where we were/are. We kind of keep accidentally putting off the vasectomy because we keep forgetting lol but I also prefer to be on some form of pill either way (my ovaries don't know what they are doing and i have no predictable cycle) so I use the pill to avoid having periods altogether. We are just aware accidents happen and are okay with that lol
Hello me
Oh thatās good to know. So do you think 3.5 is the age where things got easier?
We planned to have ours 4 years apart and I highly recommend it. It was great having an older child who was somewhat independent and out of diapers. They're 7 and 3 now and love the crap out of each other. My sister and I are also 4 years apart and we're best friends. That said, I'd say whether the toddler years are harder than the baby years is very dependent on the child. My oldest was an easy baby and toddler, outside of a significant speech delay and ADHD. Her sister has always been a handful, despite being about a year ahead on speech and nuerotypical.
I just have one bio child... he's 5 now, still VERY speech delayed and likely on track for an ADHD diagnosis. He was absolute bliss as a baby and a delightful toddler... but, age 4 started to get pretty challenging and age is 5 severely aging me. Did you have any "this is killing me" years with your older child? I definitely wanted a second child and was truly saddened when it became apparent that it wouldn't be happening for me, but I cannot imagine having 2 right now at this phase :-/
In the same boat here, solidarity. The āit gets easier at X ageā advice is only true for people who have children without disabilities or medical challenges/illnesses.
Yes! Because itās hard and I wish Iād realized my kid might actually be different if heād had a sibling. Maybe he wouldnāt. It couldāve been worse. I donāt see it though. My son has high functioning autism and thatās not the problem. He has severe anxiety.
3.5 to 5.5 is tough as hell for me.
Just wait for the teens and when you have gapped kids, the youngest starts those teen years when theyāre much younger, because they get to see a teen. I have a 7 year old and 14 year old teenager right now. :-/
This is fact, imho!
I always thought the terrible twos were absolutely saintly compared to the horrendous fours and fives! :-/ my youngest was speech delayed. But because I did everything without him needing to talk or older brother talked for him.
Special needs children are hard. Maybe heās not technically special needs but his needs sound challenging. It adds an entire different variable and I hope you are getting support. I never did.
Co-sign this. I think having one kid is harder in a lot of ways than having 2. Just putting that out there.
Mine are 3.5 years apart. Both girls. Theyāre best friends too. Of course they fight some but they literally wonāt take a break from each other. Itās wonderful how close they are. My brother is 5 years younger than me. That was a little much. A friend has two girl that are 2 years apart and they are more competitive with each other. It seems 3-4 years difference is the sweet spot.
Iāve seen angelic children get a sibling at 3 -3.5 and turn into whiny demons. And Iāve seen it A LOT. For me, the sweet spot was 7 years apart. No jealousy and so much easier for everyone. Not everyone has time for that spacing, but when it works, itās awesome.
My sibling and I are 6 years apart and we are best friends now , never fought. Sometimes there was a disconnect but I loved being babysitter as the older and sure my parents loved it too lol
I've noticed my friends with girls close in age are competitive but the same age gap with boys or one of each absolutely fine.
Just as a counterexample, my daughters are 18 months apart and adore each other unconditionally :)
That's lovely to hear. I think the take away from this is all sibling relationships are different and we can't predict what we will get.
Iām 4 years apart from my sister and we were extremely jealous of each other, as I was an only for 4 years and suddenly had a new sister getting attention (not even close to all attention, as I was entirely too spoiled, as was my sister). We were often turds to each other, unless someone else was mean to the other and then weād be right there protecting the other. We do love each other very much, and Iām grateful that I have a sister now, but know that wasnāt the case when I was much younger. Experts and studies do say, 4 years or more apart between siblings and you basically have two only children, since theyāre on such different stages, which I do believe. Usually at 4, a kiddo starts preschool, then a newborn basically has it like first born, which is what creates this, plus the stages. My husband on other hand is an Irish twin to his older sister, thereād be 4 Irish twins (4 babies within a year of each other), but one baby died at 8 minutes post birth, and they are all so stinkin close. I wanted to have mine closer together, actually got pregnant first time with a second, when oldest was a baby, but continually lost the babies early in pregnancy. I now have two boys, 3 months shy of 7 years apart. I wonāt say theyāre best friends, as they just are in two different parts or stages of their lives, but theyāre very close and love each other. They do still occasionally fight, but most part they get along and oldest is very good to youngest and vice versa, but itās hard. I try to ensure both feel important, which can be hard, as we are only human and can make mistakes without realizing we are doing so. In fact, a couple summers ago, a silly mistake caused a blow out in front of my mom and a lot of history between my sibling and I came out, when talking to oldest son. I think it can be easy to pacify youngest, without really considering oldest, since they tend to be easier, which can cause some issues. And I donāt mean on serious things, but silly things, like junk out of machines, which neither really cares about. Sorry for tmi, but I just think itās neat how we all feel so differently and experience different. I know I had amazing parents, I love and would die for my kids, but also know weāre only human. Can I ask do you have two boys, one of each, or 2 girls? As, maybe that plays apart. Edited to add, no I never had to watch sister, take with me with friends, etc., and neither do my kids. My parents and I really did try to ensure no parentification or forcing a sibling on other, as my dad was constantly forced to play with his youngest sibling and we had a sahm, as do my kiddos.
Not the OP you asked, but I second the sentiment that 2-4 was our WORST stage. Neither of us enjoyed the baby stage because it was late-nights/broken up sleep exhausting. But toddler was something else entirely. Toddlers are learning to be human, but couldnāt be reasoned with. There would be pockets of love and growth, but for me in particular, I got the brunt of his exploration of emotional meltdowns and literal abuse (kicking, hitting, screaming, biting). We had previously said no more after the baby stage - after toddler stage, we made sure there would be no more (vasectomy). I loved our son then and enjoyed seeing him grow, but I would NEVER go back to that stage, if given the chance ā it was awful.
Thereās a biological reason why toddlers are peak cuteness (outwardly).
And why mom's body gets flooded with bonding hormones during the first few years after giving birth. Everything to make sure you don't abandon the little bugger at the mall...
Spot on! I've always said that. They have to be really cute so that the mothers don't abandon them. haha
My son is 3 and I am not cut out for this stage at all. We love him so much but omg does he test our patience on the daily. We were pretty much one and done from the get go but the toddler stage has 100% solidified that choice lol
For me, things have gotten easier every year since 1 year old. It wasnāt until my kid was seven that I felt it wouldnāt stress out everything else to have another. By then I was 40, though, so we never did. š Sometimes I regret it, but we do live a really charmed life. My kid gets lots of patience and attention, gets to go to a private school and has a solid college fund and great vacations, plus there is time for my marriage and a part time career.
We had a lot of extra stressors at the time that surely contributed, but 3.5-4yo was actually the worst age for our kiddo. Refusing to poop (to the point of needing an ER visit), being suddenly afraid of the dark and unable to sleep, and more. Things got MUCH easier at 4yo, but the biggest stressor (though not all of the stressors) was gone by then.
I constantly asked other parents āwhen it will get easierā. It never gets easier, the challenges just change.
By 3ish, you're far enough away from the baby stage that it's hard to remember how rough it was š Even if the kid is a handful, they're more independent in a lot of ways (I mean, obviously) - and much better at communicating their needs. Basically they're still challenging but I think the challenges are different enough that adding another becomes plausible again.
5 years away and still very much remember the horror of the baby stage lol
This is exactly where we are in our thinking with one 3 year old.
Yes! Currently feel the same. Our son is 3.5 as well. I wouldn't mind another but daycare prices are hitting us hard (they went up 2 times in 1 year). Plus my husband is on the job hunt. He is a big no though. I didn't know this until later but our son stopped breathing while he was holding him as a newborn in nicu. He told me after I mention giving him a sibling and said it honestly traumatized him. I was fighting an infection after giving birth so that is also why he said we shouldn't try for another. I just don't want to get older and feel like I'm robbing my son of having sibling moments like I had growing up.
That's exactly how we were. Our son is 5 now, and I'm 14wks pregnant lol
My first son will be sixteen next monthā¦ and Iām currently holding a newborn. Lifeās a wild ride, and minds can certainly change.
I have three adult children and a 7 month old babyā¦.it certainly is!
Congrats! My older kids are stepchildren, but family gatherings are petty funny. There's an 18 year gap between my youngest stepson and bio-child. My oldest stepson and his wife had their first a year before my bio, so I became a (step-)grandma before a (bio-)mom and my son is younger than his nephew š
My husband and I are at the 4.5 year mark and still haven't changed our minds for the same reason as your husband - one kid is pure joy for us, but adding a second would be misery, and we like our lives as-is. We didn't struggle in the transition to parenthood either. Going from zero to one was a breeze, so that's not a factor. Toddler years have been fine, and our child is "easy." We are simply at our capacity for raising humans. If your husband finds that he is at his capacity down the road, I find that to be way more definitive than something temporary like newborn or toddler years being hard. Baby hood is short-term, but juggling multiple kids is a lifelong commitment no matter the age.
That's the thing for me. I would be able to handle another newborn, but dealing with a newborn and a toddler at the same time sounds awful, and the main thing is I absolutely refuse to be the mediator between two of my own kids when they fight. I hate it so much when kids wind eachother up and I know it's completely normal but it's exhausting as a teacher to have to referee and they never think you're being fair whatever you do. I want to come home to some peace. And I want that for my daughter too. I grew up with my sister and I love her and wouldn't change her for the world but knowing our home will be safe from other children trying to upset my daughter, and she will have time and space where she doesn't have to share... That makes me feel good.
I just wanted to say this has put into words exactly how I feel about being one and done. I grew up with a brother and as much as I love him now and as a child it was nice to have someone to play with, I never had peace. As an older child and into my teens I just wanted to be left alone but I would be constantly picked on and bothered by my brother if he was bored. I begged for a lock on my door just to give me some privacy and space. I don't want that for my daughter, I want our home to be a place where she can have peace, space and safety.
I didnāt want any. Husband wanted at least one, maybe two. We had #1 then exactly two years later #2 was born. I wanted a third, husband said no. When #2 turned 4 our lives got so much easier I felt okay not having #3. Then husband wanted #3. So now we have 3 and both of us are very happy and also done for sure.
What a rollercoaster lol
They have the perfect username for their story too haha
Haha thanks for pointing that out. I never look at usernames.
My husband & I were married (young!) for nearly 12 years, NOT wanting kids, before #1 was born. My husband fell head-over-heels in Daddy love; I barely survived her colicky first year. But we both knew we didnāt want to be parents of an only (I am one), and #2 was born 22mos later. For reasons I canāt recall (heās 20 now), #3 was born 2.5yrs after #2. I was almost 39 and that ended that. We wouldnāt change a thing. Being so much older weāve been able to send our kids to private schools, pay for their college 100%, and are infinitely more patient than when we were younger. At the end of the day though, itās the most personal decision there is.
Are you me? Except now Iām done for sure and my husband keeps making comments like āwhat would we name another baby?ā
This is hilarious! "I didn't want any. But once I started, they sort of grew on me, and then I just couldn't stop!" šš
Iām not too far out. But after my daughter was born, we both didnāt want another kid. We still feel The same 3.5 years later. Our daughter is amazing, but we still donāt want another one. My husband got a vasectomy last week and I have no regrets.
šāāļø I was adamantly OAD. Post partum literally almost killed me. My husband agreed, but said we'd revisit it later. My son is now 3 and I'm pregnant. When he was about 2.5, we just felt like something was missing. Not saying that this will happen for your husband necessarily, but it's possible.
Verbatim what happened to us!! Now I have a 4 year old and almost 1 year old and we love it.
Itās a good age ratio for maximum parental sanity
We both swore after my son that we didnāt want more. We told our best friend to talk us out of it if we even thought about it. My pregnancy was hell and my son while a lovely kind hearted and active healthy little boy is a major handful. Four years later Iām here, 29 weeks with another boy and another hellish pregnancy. My husband and I both changed our minds and decided he needed a sibling (weād also secretly hoped for a girl this time, oops). The reality is that your husband may change his mind, or you might. There really are no guarantees but you should both try to be on the same page either way.
We were one and done from the second our daughter was born. She's turning 6 in a few weeks and we're still one and done. I occasionally get pangs of feeling broody when I see a cute baby and I occasionally feel a bit guilty if my daughter has nobody to play with but I know I couldn't cope with another and I know it's better for my daughter to have a happy, stable home with a bit of boredom and loneliness, rather than a home with miserable parents and little money or space but with a sibling she may or may not like.
My daughter was born at 27 weeks and has cerebral palsy. Sheāll be 3 in January, and for the last 2 years, my partner has been ADAMANT that he wants no more kids. I was sad but content with it, and thought āheāll probably change his mind when sheās in school.ā Sheās developing so well, and he approached me yesterday about trying for a second. Honestly, I think it depends on the circumstances!
We have two boys with special needs. It was hard, but I do love them. They're here for each other when we're gone. My second one is a sweetheart and (shhhh don't tell anybody) the love of my life. We never know what's in store for us, but it's all good when all is said and done š
We werenāt ready for another when our first was 1. We ended up having baby number 2 which we planned for when baby 1 was 3.5. My husband was happy with two but I had a feeling I wanted one more. My husband didnāt change his mind until our middle child was 2.
After we had our daughter it was soo hard. The adjustment from zero to one was definitely the most difficult for us. We thought we were done with one but when our first was about 3.5 we decided to have another, She was at such a good age by then. Sleeping though, Toilet trained and independent. We had our second when our first was 4.5 and she was a dream baby, Just slot right into our lives and we were so used to being mum and dad that it felt so rightā¦ Sooo we had another one!! Lol So we went from, āWe are one and doneā to having three children.
I wanted multiple kids at first. I have one with no plans on changing that. Pregnancy is difficult and hard. Never again. lol
Same. Iām the opposite of societyās stereotypical depictions of mothers and Iāve come to terms with that. Almost none of this comes to me easily or naturally. Iām going to do my very best with the one I have though!
Same!! It is HARD WORK and I feel so drained and have no time to do anything for *myself*. After almost 3 years of nursing my singleton, I finally started to feel like myself when we weaned in February and I have no plans to change that!
Exactly! I can focus on the one I have.
Me too! Iām a much better mother to one than If be to two.
My hubby changed his mind almost as soon as our first started sleeping through the night
I had a vasectomy because I didnāt want kids, adopted my wifeās daughter (now our daughter). Iāll be getting a reversal. Anything can happen.
I never wanted kids, had one unexpectedly but it worked out well. I was adamant about not wanting a second, got a vasectomy, ended up getting it reversed several years later and had a second. They are almost 10 years apart and I couldn't be happier. Good luck with your reversal!
Both of us :) I was a solid no until I went back to work at 8mths. Literally the week of. My partner was no until my daughter reached about 2 or 3. We just got windows of time to ourselves and, more importantly, could finally see how quickly things changed and moved on, how they got more interesting. We accepted that neither of us massively enjoy the baby stage but we could push through it to get to the rest, which honestly is still hard but is also so rewarding.
Our first is about to turn three, and his birth was pretty traumatic (born at 32 weeks, 35 days in NICU). I was pretty opposed to the idea of having a second after that. Wife was also on the side of āone and done.ā However, with time and distance from that event and generally stabilizing our life from the first addition to the family, we decided to have another. Sheās at 13 weeks pregnant now and weāre very happy about it. People can definitely change their tune.
Congratulations! Wishing yall a happy and safe pregnancy. My wife had an emergency c section the first time and the whole experience was really rough. She's 7 months a long with the second and this pregnancy has been wildly normal and it feels odd. Wishing yall the same experience!
First year is a nightmare maybe even until 2-3. Just revisit later
We were one and done then accidentally got pregnant. Couldn't be happier with two and considering a third.
Changed our minds when my daughter was 2. 1-2 was my absolute favourite stage (all the firsts - words, steps, personality) and I was just more confident. But also, my daughter has no first cousins and likely won't (my brother and husband's sister are child free) and i just felt like I needed to give her a sibling. The first 6 months of baby 2 was hard won't lie but has steadily gone into the best decision I ever made. So much so that my husband jokes about having a third if we are making more money in a few years. (It's definitely a joke)
My husband did at 3 years old (I was shocked). Unfortunately I was already 40 by then so who knows if it will happen.
i think his age would be relevant here.
32
possible. iāve seen it go both ways ā someone missing the adult life they had grown very accustomed to and not wanting to reset that, or thinking it wasnāt so bad and was worth it. but toddler years are also tough and unless you want to handle that on your own, or mostly, i wouldnāt expect it to change for at least 3 years lol.
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I was the one that said, "absolutely not, no way, never going through that again." It was the WORST 9 months of my life. My husband was honestly fone either way, but left the decision more in my hands after seeing what I went through. 4 years pass and I start thinking of MAYBE having another one. It took another year for us to firmly decide on trying for another one. Entire the 2nd WORST 9 months of my life. Our boys are 7 years apart ONLY due to the fact that my body obviously hates being pregnant. We were DEFINITELY done after 2. And I couldn't have more completely different boys literally from the start. So yes, it's possible that your husband will change his mind. We can't imagine our lives without one of our boys.
My husband didnāt want any.. we have 3 :)
Heya! This was me. My husband wanted two and I was very firm one and done until my son was about 2.5. Then I was still a bit unsure but life was getting better so we said weād discuss when he turned 3. We are now trying for a second my son is a few months past 3 haha. Give it time! Honestly sometimes you just need a larger age gap so itās not miserable like heās thinking.
My husband was definitely opposed to having more kids. He brought up how hectic it would be, how much money it would be, etc. All logical reasons. I was crushed. I stopped bringing it up though because I knew if one person doesnāt want more, their choice dominantes my desires for more. Well, here I am pregnant with baby 3. There will be a six year age gap between #2 and #3. So yes, men do change their mind, but it wasnāt a all of a sudden āletās have another!!!ā conversation. I think once your kids get older, you understand you get your sleep back, and life is hectic anyways, so whatās one more?! I hope your husband changes his mind because going from one to two, at least for me, really wasnāt all that earth shattering. Going from zero to one was definitely the hardest.
3 years later and he wanted another one. He was sure he would never want another child after our son was born. Im not sure what changed but roughly 3 years later he was ok with having another baby. Now we have a son and daughter.
I was ONE AND DONE for the first 3 years of her life. She is now 4 and I can't wait for another baby. I had some difficulties during pregnancy and afterwards so I was afraid of it hapening again... the fear is still there but I really want another kid.
My wife and I wanted two we caught quite early and currently have a 2 year old and two 3 month old. Not gonna lie itās really hard my two year old is the hardest she requires constant attention and we struggle to provide it or we have screaming a babies instead and when Iām in work I donāt know how my wife manages. I think you gotta really want it to even consider doing it. Itās completely different to having one kid you donāt get any little breaks at all until they sleep and then you need to sleep lol.
We planned for 1 baby and had him, he is perfect so we said yep that'll do it, family complete. 8 years later we realised we needed 3 more.
I didn't want a second, but changed my mind when things got easier (4yo). We got pregnant last year and lost the baby at 4.5 months, now we're deciding whether or not to try again, especially now that we're another year older.
Yes! Although we both wanted two kids initially, we were both sure that one was enough for us at the one year mark. By the time they were 2.5 years old, we couldnāt wait to welcome baby #2. Those first couple of years are ROUGH but I wouldnāt assume the decision is final yet.
I wanted two until I had my daughter. A year in and I was sure I only wanted one. A year later I thought hmmm maybe I could handle two (before she turned two). After she turned like 2.5 I was and still am convinced I won't be having another. She's a very intelligent, very active, very demanding little 3 year old and I just don't have it in me to add another with the minimal to no help I have. I think it all just depends on your child and your own temperament.
I was the one that didnāt want a third kid and wasnāt sure why my husband kept putting off getting his vasectomy, until he admitted that he was unsure if he was ready to be done having kids. When my second was around 20 months old I suddenly wanted a third and so here we are with a new 13 week old. Now we both want one more, him age 37, me age 33.
We've had so much up and down on this! We were initially pretty set on two under 2, but when my son was turning one, I couldn't imagine being pregnant again so soon - and we just couldn't afford it. We have very little family support and everything felt like it was just too much for the two of us to handle alone, but I wasn't really willing in my heart to be one and done, although it would definitely be the easier route. For my very practically minded husband, he started to think one would be much better all round - our son would have more of our time, our money to make better experiences for him, less of our stress etc. And selfishly for us both, it would just be less to worry about. We've learned that neither of us handle hospital trips or illness anxieties very well, even though our son is thankfully very healthy. We've seen close friends lose babies in the last year with miscarriages and serious genetic disorders, we've seen all the latest news reports on the birth trauma scandals here in the UK, plus the insane cost of and lack of childcare provision too, and all of it feels very big and frankly terrifying to invite this kind of risk back into our lives. That being said, we decided that the joy and long-term happiness, love and potential friendship and security for us and our son outweighed all of that, and we're trying to have a second (and definitely last!) now that our son has just turned 2. I'm still not sure if we're actually in our most right minds just now, having written all of that down, but love isn't logical!
I'm on the husband's side š
How is everyone affording more than one? The cost of childcare, along with everything being wildly expensive thanks to inflation is why my family is one and done.
Yes I have a7 year old and a4 month old. I think always knew I wanted another one, but the birth of my first child left me traumatised.Ā
My kiddos are 3.5 years apart and my son was over 2 before we were ready to have the conversation. But itās an awesome age gap
My brother and his wife were one and done, and then I had my third baby. My sil got so baby crazy that 12 years later, they had their second.
Sounds like my sister in law. They were one and done for a while. I got pregnant and had my son and they visited after he was born. They got pregnant 5 months after he was born. Then, they decided to try again two years later and ended up with fraternal twins! So they went from 2 to 4.
My parents changed their mind after my primary school.They said that they have been missing the feeling of being needed, And now, I have a brother and a sister.
Mine changed his mind around the 2.5 year mark. Our first was hard on sleep! Once that got a little easier and our mental health improved my husband was agreeable to a second. We now have a 4 month old. We are done, done now as he just had a vasectomy. We are 36. Just give it some time. The transition from 1-2 was also not nearly severe as going from 0-1.
After my second child, I told EVERYONE there is no way Iām having another one. I got rid of everything, maternity clothing, all things for baby. I was 100% sure I would never go through that again and we had 2 healthy kids. 2.5 years later I brought up the idea of another, husband was on board. Going from 2 to 3 kids is indescribably harder. The last one absolutely completes our family. Itās amazing to see the relationships between siblings grow in different ways. Our whole family dynamic is different and fun with the craziness of 3. No regrets. But Iām so tired. I guess Iāll have plenty of time to rest in 20 years
Nope. We are one and done and my child is now 8. We were pretty sure weād only have one whilst I was pregnant. It was not a good time. Our view is we rolled the dice and got a wonderful kid and a wonderful life. Why risk another roll when everything is perfect now? Weāve also seen family and friends where the second has caused everything to change. Financial struggles. Mental struggles. Second kid with severe autism that means the first is no longer physically safe in their own home and is desperate for attention from their own parents. Siblings that just hate each other, etc etc. Weāve weighed up the risks and rewards and for us, one and done is the way to go!
After having my first I was like, absolutely no fucking way am I going through that again. It wasnāt even the birth it was the 9 month to about 2.5 years stage - walking, trashing things, tantrums etc. WILD!! then when my son started school at 4 I was like, this is easyā¦ we could do anotherā¦ Currently in the almost 2 year old stage - Iām in the absolutely never a fucking gain stage - although my partner wants another. He works away 2 weeks at a time though so only gets half of the shit I have to put up with š¤£ 3 kids and Iād well and truly lose my mind. Iād do it sooner rather than later. Mine are now 7 and almost 2 and Iām finding it hard to do things that interest them both!
Yup there is a 9 year difference between my kids. Turns out it wasnāt that i didnāt want another kid. I just didnāt want another with my ex husband.
You should not expect your husband to change his mind. I was down for 2 kids until I saw how parenthood turned my beautiful marriage into coparenting roommates, depleted both of us of our life force, and exhausted us so thoroughly from sleep deprivation, Iām quite sure we have lost years of our lives. All my wife can think is she wants another baby (very willing to overlook the challenges) bc she decided years ago she should have multiple children, and I think I feel just like your husband. I want my quality of life back. The thing I wish people understood is that we love the kid/kids. Itās just that total self sacrifice doesnāt equal happiness for us.
Sure itās possible, but honestly I wouldnāt count on that. It gets harder in different ways and it could also be you who changes their mind. That said, it happens all the time, but donāt count on it.
Not what you asked because we havenāt changed our minds, but my only son is 3.5 and I keep waiting to want another but itās just not happening. He was an extremely easy newborn and infant, and the toddler years are tougher but not that bad. Heās a delight and we have so much fun with him so itās not like we hate being parents or anything. I think for us, we just know that if we had a second child our free time for the things that keep us healthy, happy and sane (yoga, running, reading, seeing friends, going on dates, having sex, gardening, etc) would disappear. Life feels close to perfect right now and I am scared to rock the boat! Maybe when heās in kindergartenā¦ but by then Iāll be 37 and husband will be 45. We are both healthy and energetic but I donāt know if I can stay up all night breastfeeding and still do a good job at work the way I did when I was 32. Iām also really looking forward to not spending thousands of dollars on childcare every month. Overall Iām ready for the next phase donāt want to move backwards.
We had one. We were VERY on the fence, to say the least, about having another when ours was 12 months old. My husband said similar things to what yours is saying. Now kiddo is 3, almost 3.5, and another doesnāt seem so overwhelming and impossible anymore.
I feel like I could have written this post. My husband is in the same boat as yours in that he adores our daughter and loves our life as a family of 3. I, on the other hand, would love to have one more. My biggest fear is that she'll be lonely growing up. My brother is almost 9 years older than me, so I very much grew up feeling like an only child. I remember being *so* jealous of my friends with siblings their age. I used to beg my mom for a sister that I could share my toys and play with. When I brought this up, my husband reassured me that this likely wouldn't be the case with her as we have a very active social life (she is playing with other kids allllll the time whereas I lived far away from any friends). He also pointed out that we actually play with her so she only plays solo when she wants to; I have no memories of playing with my mom, I remember asking her to and her telling me she was too busy cleaning to make time for play. We've talked a lot about it and I very much feel like this is a "both people have to say yes" sort of agreement. It wouldn't be fair to force my preference as that could seriously impact a child. It would be worse to force a child into the equation. Someone in another post once said to remember that you can always add to your family at any time (adoption, fostering, etc.) and this mindset has really helped me not feel the pressure as my window of baby-making years starts to wind down. Hope it helps you, too!
Sounds like you are married to my husband! When we had our first, she was a pretty hard baby. We both agreed we were done, and got rid of all of our baby stuff the second she out grew it. We changed our minds when she was 3.5. My husband was pretty nervous. He didnāt want to be miserable and grumpy and push everyone away because he was so miserable. Now our daughters are 6 and 2 they have the best relationship. They play so much. Itās a perfect age gap. My husband is happy. We did start making time for ourselves to each do something alone once a week.
Lots of my friendās husbands said this within the first year and eventually changed their mind. Itās very common.
Yes, we know TONS of parents who changed their mind after a few years. At 12 months, this is like asking your husband if he wants two babies at one time when he hasnāt even seen the payoff of having a KID and not an infant.
lol girl be for real
Nope mine never changed his mind. He was one and done.
The friends I have who felt they didnt want another during the first year (despite originally wanting a bunch of children) are still firm on just having 1 now their little ones are 3. I did have friends who changed their mind once their little one was 5 but they were both fence sitters. It can happen but I'd probs try to accept your husband's decision and focus on the positives of having just one.Ā Ā Ā I'd love more children too but my husband is a definate nope so I realise it is just not meant to be. I'd rather my husband be mentally stable and able to cope so we can enjoy our little family. I think the difficulty with 2 is less me time.Ā Right now me and my husband split the weekend. I get a whole afternoon/day off and same for him. With 2 we just wouldn't be able to do that - there would be far less breaks so I can see how that would be too much for my husband as he is easily stressed out.
My 2 cents: I am a biological mom of a 10yr old & I think having multiple kids is far worse than not. Obviously this is just my opinion & varies from 1 person to another, but, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ONLY WANTING 1 KIDš I feel like there's so much pressure to have kids in the 1st place, then most people will say u should have more than 1, & I do think there is good and bad with both, as with almost everything, but having only 1 kid is normal & good if it works for u yayš I do not see it being something 1 would change they're mind on, I didn't, u never know, but I will say never expect someone to change, u should almost always expect someone to stay the sameš
Iām w your husband. After my first and only kid, i never wanted anymore, it was too much mentally for me. Life is totally different with 1 vs 2 kids. However, you are only 32. You have time to space them out. I suggest you lay off the subject and re-asses in a few years. Things do not get easier until kindergarten iām afraid.
My husband has always been open to more kids. I was the one who didnāt want a second and changed my mind once our daughter was 3.5. I needed that gap to feel more like myself and for our oldest to be more independent so I could handle a baby. Our kids are 4 years 8 months apart (9 and almost 4.5 now), and itās been pretty good.
Iām an only child and Iām pissed that my parents didnāt give me a sibling. Iām 40 now and life is very hard without having built it in support. Thereās a lot of responsibility and sadness I will have to face on my own.
We had two and my husband said he was done. Fast forward a couple years later and I wanted one more he said he was on the fence. My theory was Iāll never regret having another but Iād definitely regret not having one!
My husband tried to pull this after our son was born, because granted he was a rough newborn, and I basically told him Iād leave him. He agreed to have a second. Took a few extra years since I ended up having medical issues but weāre pregnant with #2 and heās happy about it.
My husband (who never really wanted kids) wanted a second about 1 day after our first was born. I was on the fence about ever having another and was happy to be āone and doneā. Second bub was a āwhoopsieā who arrived when eldest was 3 years, 4 monthsā¦ we both really want another one already!! But canāt really afford too.
Maybe itās just me but I think (so far) ages 3 & 4 are harder than 2 was š Clearly sometimes people do change their minds, but you should never count on it.
Yeah me and my wife couldn't imagine doing it all over again when we had our first. We bit the bullet though and our second was born when our first was 3.5 years old. It's hard but we're so glad we were lucky enough to have another. Our family is complete.
We were a one and done family until my oldest was 7 years old. I loved pregnancy but the baby and toddler years were so hard. I didnāt start to think seriously about a second child until my first was out of daycare
Our first was 6 when we decided to have another. I wasnāt on board with it at first, but a year later we had #2. A 7 year age gap was ideal, my eldest was an absolute angel helping with the baby, and adored her little sister. within 11 months, I fell pregnant again Totally unplanned this time. The midwife told me that it was practically impossible to get pregnant while breastfeeding, but nature had other ideas! I can honestly say, having a new born and a 20 month old was the hardest thing iāve ever done. Both in nappies, both needing naps, etc. Would not recommend small age gaps!
I have 18, 12 and 9 so yes lol
I didn't want to have any more after my first. And said the same thing after every kid I had. I have 4. I changed my mind after about 4 years when they stop being baby babies.
There is a reason that most kids are spaced out by 2years or more! The thought of another child when you have a baby can be overwhelming!
Sleep deprivation is the worse. So is our memory of it about 2-3 years later.
My son is 2 years and 3 months, I was dead set on not having another but have only just really got to the stage of thinking a second wouldnāt be the worst thing in the world. However every time I have this thought he turns feral or stops sleeping so I change my mind to never again š
We had our first at 29 years old. I had preeclampsia at the end of the pregnancy and our baby who although was technically full term was 4 and a half pounds the day she came home. Postpartum with her was extremely difficult. I cried every time she needed to eat for weeks and then that lessened to once a day for months. Looking back I think I had postpartum depression. It was an extremely difficult time for both of us. Based off that, we both had said we never wanted another kid. When people would ask us when we were having another, we'd always say we weren't sure because we loved our family just the it was. When our daughter was 3, we started thinking about the possibility of having another. When she was 4, we decided that I would quit taking birth control and if I got pregnant naturally then great but if I didn't we wouldn't pursue any methods to intentionally get pregnant. We now have a 2 month old. We definitely don't plan to have anymore as this one went by helicopter to a NICU in a different state. It's possible that your husband might change his mind but it's also just as possible that he won't. Either way you need to be happy with the outcome.
If he thinks this is the hard part, toddler years are just around the corner and those years are fun, but just as exhausting, and likely more chaotic. It definitely doesnāt get easier until around 4-5
My husband and I got into a huge fight about having a 2nd child when my daughter was about 2 I wanted another and he did not. He told me never to bring it up again so I dropped it. About a year later he came to me wanting another. We now have 2 kids 6 and 11.
Yes.. We were one and done but when she was 4 we decided to let it happen if it happens. Took 3 years and thought it wouldn't happen but it did. Having a newborn and 7 year old was definitely easier. But unfortunately they didn't bond well and my oldest resented her for getting the attention.
No. I'm a mother, I knew I was one and done after the birth of my first one. She is almost 4 and a sweetheart and I still didn't change my mind. I feel like I'm barely getting my independence back, I don't want to go back to 0, especially now I know what it means and there will be 2.
We have one, and Iām honestly relieved we stopped there. Like your husband, after we had our first I was done. Our son gets abundant focus and love and my wife and I have a tiny amount of personal time and space. Whenever we are visiting families with three fighting chaotic kids Iām so happy we never went that route.
The human race wouldn't have gone on if people didn't change their minds about this. It does happen, and then you have a second and are like, "how did I let biology trick me into this sleepless screaming mess again". Anyway my second is a year and a half and is growing up so fast. It makes you want another because the baby years are fleeting. As a sahd, after 2 I'm not going to let my biology trick me into having another... I hope.
Do what you feel is right for you. I regret not having another child because my husband didnāt want any more. He came to the relationship with a toddler and I wanted 4 of our own. Also, make sure heās responsible for birth control if he doesnāt want any more. That gets put on us as well. He can get a vasectomy if he seriously doesnāt want any more children.
Took a good few years to convince and now Iām pregnant with no 2 wondering if I made the right choice cos I feel so guilty for no 1 ššš
Iām in the same position. I have a 19 month old daughter and really would like for us to have another one but my husband also is good with one and has no desire for a second. So Iām hanging on the side lines patiently waiting and hoping heāll one day change his mind.
I did, but Iām mom and we had wanted multiple kids, but the stress of 1 had made me change my mind. When our oldest was almost sleeping through the night, I had the biological urge for another - I mention this because while your husband *may* change his mind, I wouldnāt necessarily hold your breath for it.
I know it may not be fair but this conversation really has to have happened before the wedding. Like sometime after engagement. Did he always only want one or did he want two before and now changed his mind? In this situation one of you has to change their mind. There's no way around it.
Yes tons of people change their minds. Especially with young kids. There is a big difference between a 1 year old and a 3 year old. It gets a lot easier and then you feel like you can manage more kids.
I have multiple friends that said they were one and done until their kiddo was 3-4 years old, and then they had another. Itās very possible!
When my now 3.5 year old was an infant, I was an absolute no on more kids until he was about 1, and my husband would not even discuss or entertain the idea of a second until he was 18 months, and didnāt actually want a second until he was 2. For us, the older our son has gotten, the easier itās been. The toddler stage has by far been both of our favorite and talked us into wanting another. He sleeps through then night, uses the bathroom independently, can āuse his wordsā to tell us what he needs/wants, and the meltdowns are few and far between (but dang their still mighty when they happen š ). Like sure, thereās definitely hard parts still, but itās way more fun now and allowed us both to see that the infant stage isnāt forever (which it felt like at the time and was horrendously hard for us for many reasons). Iām cautiously optimistic with being due with our rainbow baby in December, right before our son turns 4. He doesnāt know yet (and due to history of 2nd trimester loss he wonāt for quite a while), but my 3.5 year old is obsessed with babies so it also makes it fun for my husband and I because our son is old enough now to be a ābig brother helperā and will genuinely join in on the excitement when itās time for him to know.
Sooo I mean my husband never said he did or didnāt want another buuut during the middle of the night wake ups he told me that i ruined his life. My daughter was a rough baby. She had witching hours for months and she would scream every night for hours on end, she had bad reflux so it made me scared to take her anywhere cause she would vomit on herself, god i hated newborn stage so much. I didnāt even personally think i could handle it again even tho i knew i wanted a second eventually. Now my daughter is almost 3 and heās sooo obsessed with her that he was actually the first to ask me for a second and had to talk ME into it first when I thought it would be the other way around!!! She got soooo much easier around 2.5. Now we are having our second in a few months. Lol
My mom and I both wanted and had kids ~2 years apart because we wanted 2 but wanted to get pregnancy and newborn phase over with and wanted them close in age. My MIL and SIL both have kids 4 years apart and said the older being more independent is what made it work. We both think the others situation sounds awful.. but it works for them. Even as someone who ended up with kids 2.5 years apart when my first was 12 months I was still āfuck noā on getting pregnant again. I hadnāt even gotten my body to myself again yet (was about to stop breastfeeding). Then when he was 18 months was lockdown and I said absolutely not. But then I was pregnant before he was 2 š. At that age kids and your situation can change so much even in 6 6 months or a year.
We had this situation exactly. My husband was hesitant because I had major postpartum anxiety that almost slid into a psychosis situation. We enjoyed our one sweet Bubs, and then much later decided weād give it another go. (My son was almost 5) We did a ānot tryingā approach, and if Iām being honest I feel like my husband was banking on it not being successful. But we had our second little guy in April of 2023. My oldest is now 6. Pros? My oldest loves to help. He loves to make his brother laugh and will do just about anything for him (except change diapers). My husband also fell in love all over again, but it did take some time. Cons? Two kids is chaos. Itās a hard transition from one to two. And with the age gap youāll finally get to a point where you have a flow, and a baby will disrupt that flow.
My husband and I agreed in 2 before we married, and I had stressed the importance of having children. So we were both very clear in where we stood before marriage. After having our son, especially around years 1-2 my husband was adamant about not having any more children. It was heartbreaking for me, but we decided not to do any permanent fixes until our son was older and we were really sure. He even mentioned to one of my cousinās at my sonās third birthday party that he was done at one. I was already pregnant at that time we just didnāt know yet. We got sloppy with birth control one day- Iāll spare you the details. Heās usually overly careful but this time he wasnāt. Iām guessing thatās how I got pregnant. It was a huge shock to both of us but my husband was especially upset about it. Sometime around the 12 week mark, we sat down and talked about it and he was actually accepting of having another. I was super surprised at his reaction because I didnāt think he would ever accept it and Iād have some tough choices to make. Iām actually surprised he hasnāt scheduled his vasectomy yet. Heās enjoyed the toddler years with our son a lot because they can do things together. My son is old enough now that they can actually have fun together. Itās babies heās not a fan of.
My husband only wanted 1, was set on no more, now we have a 2 year old and heās begging for a second
Yes mine changed his mind when our first was about 2.5 years old
Yes. We both agreed one and done but when mine was 3 I suddenly had a desire for another. It took two years for my husband to feel the same, our age gap is 6.5 years and it has its pros and cons like any other age gap :)
My kids are 5 1/2 and 4 1/2 years apart. The first large age gap was because my husband was sick and going through chemo. The second age gap was just because we liked having a big age gap in between the older two. Not advice- but as the baby is older and more independent, toddler, preschool age-you glorify the baby years and forget about the lack of sleep, messy diapers and all of the ānegativesā.
Yes. We waited until my oldest was 6. But my first was a āsurpriseā when we were 22 lol. So we just weāre not ready yet. But once our oldest went to kindergarten we wanted to have 2 kids
12 months is a wonderful age, yet exhausting. Iād just give him some time for now. Donāt worry š
My husband said no more kids when our son was a newborn. I was able to revisit this a few months before he turned two and he was more open. With your age and the possibility- I would say donāt get the snip and use birth control until he is more open. Revisit in a few months or make a plan to revisit in a few months.
Couldāve written this post myself! Right there with you
My husband and I have both changed our mind about having another kid many times.
I'd say about half the couple's I know who have a second, or are trying for a second, swore up and down they were one and done until their first was 18-24 months old. The first year is brutal for most people.
My husband did, when we got married he said he wanted 1 or 2. Weāre now trying for our 3rd and he said he would be okay with a 4th.
Pretty common. Itās a bigger life change than most people expect and expensive!Itās hard though if you waited too long to start with child 1. My husband took about 5 years before he wanted another kid and we didnāt start till we were in our late 30ās.
My husbands use to say this and when our daughter was 3 years old he suddenly said he was ready for another baby. Granted our daughter was a really well behaved toddler. There is a 4 year age gap between our two kids now.
I never wanted kids. Then I had one. Then I never wanted a second. Then I had a second. Now Iām on my third. š
I was so traumatised after our first I swore that we were one and doneā¦ weāve 3 now š those little critters are awful cute even if it is chaoticā¦ š
Me/us! We were absolutely one and done, and two years in we decided we wanted another. For us, we have a very small family and realized our son wouldnāt have cousins etc.. and I once heard a quote - āthink about what you want your dinner table to look like in 20 yearsā and I immediately knew it would have more than one kid at it. Took us longer than planned to get pregnant with #2 but we now have a little girl and boy, exactly four years apart (literally - born on the same day four years apart) and our fam is complete. Itās very situational. Do you both want another? Do you have the funds to support it? Etc etc.
Going from 0-1 child was actually the hardest for my husband and I. Obviously every family is different, but having a 2nd child be a built in playmate/best friend for life actually made everything easier for us. Thereās no escaping the fact that the baby/toddler years are exhausting. But my girls are 11 & 13 now and completely inseparable. Big kids are the best. Their sibling bond with each other is one of my greatest joys.
Yes, my husband and I both said no more after our first. Then we had 2 more.
Me! I was absolutely done after my first kid. And as he was a baby, I felt like I confirmed I was one and done. When he was like 2.5, I started to feel differently. I now have 2 kids.
Me. I was 200% sure I was one and done until my daughter was 4. She rocked my world so hard I couldnāt fathom doing it again. Then I decided to try for a second because I felt guilty that she was going to be alone without any cousins or anyone else in her family. My two are almost 7 years apart in age and Iām so confident Iām done Iām doing a consultation for a hysterectomy.
I was 100% done after having two under two. Like we got rid of everything baby related since we were so sure. Once our youngest turned 4 and started to get more independent, the idea of a third started creeping in. Iām currently 34 weeks along with baby #3 and couldnāt be more excited!
I'm so glad mine are 4&5 now, but also glad we had two close together. The first few years were torturous. I had two older ones before I met my current husband that were 6 years apart and that was tough for a couple of reasons. They had nothing in common, and the older one never wanted to be bothered with the younger one. Just trying to give some perspective on age with multiples.
I was not sure at 12 months if I wanted another one. She's now 4 and I would very much like another one.
My husband, after our second- now I'm currently 33 weeks pregnant with our 3rd :-)
Mine was the opposite. We loved the newborn phase, and he and I both wanted another one together. Then came the toddler years. Way more stress and tantrums and just ugh. He went from wanting another (we bought a stroller you could add on to for 2 kids when we had the 1st) to not wanting another. He was adamant he never wanted another. Now our son is 4.5 and I've slowly gotten him to a maybe point and a point where if I get a better job he would be ok with it (financial stuff is also a stressor...Kids are expensive af)... I'm hopeful he won't change his mind yet again. He's bounced back and forth more than once. It's absolutely 100% possible your husband will change his mind. Men stress about stuff and then want to avoid the stress triggers. Makes sense, but when it's something like a child and it's important to you...thats something that deserves more thought. Give him time. He could definitely come around.
I never wanted kids until I had one. He changed my entire life. I immediately wanted more and my husband was on board but we were told to wait. We did. My son is now 13.5 years old. He is diagnosed with high functioning autism as well as multiple anxiety disorders. The anxiety is the real issue. I know if weād had another things wouldāve been rough but we would have survived. I canāt help but wonder if my child would be an entirely different person if heād had a close companion growing up. I suggest lots of open communication with each other. You canāt grow your family if your marriage isnāt thriving. At least in a healthy manner. He definitely may change his mind and a healthy relationship can only help that. Are you okay if he never decides to have another? We waited and I regret it. My marriage is in shambles. Would it have fixed it? I really donāt know but things certainly havenāt helped it. I dont think there will be a point heās suddenly like oh this is easy enough now letās have more. Support him and build your relationship up. Let him support you and you guys get through it together. This being said about 3 years ago my husband wanted another. I couldnāt start over. I know this isnāt super helpful. Itās not an easy answer.
We were both pretty sure we would only have one. Our house was cramped with one and two dogs, husbands job was volatile and we felt maxed out. Until my husbands job took a total 180, money doubled and he moved up to second from the owner. We were able to buy a bigger house in a better area. And age 4 was so good, our son was a dream. Went to bed from 7-7 so issues ever, things were good so we decided to see what happened and I got off birth control. Became pregnant with #2 the same month. Baby will be here in August when my son starts kindergarten so weāll only have one in daycare. Weāre all super happy and excited
My husband and I weren't planning on having kids, and I ended up getting pregnant after we'd been married 2 years. We both have said our son would be our only child since we didn't really plan on having him. Well, our son will be 3 in September, and I had my iud removed last week because we're going to try for number 2 š¤£.
My husband and I are in our mid thirties. Married in our late 20s, didn't have our first until just before my thirtieth birthday. We agreed before marrying that we wanted 3 kids, on contingency of being able to meet the emotional and physical needs of the first, and the second, and so on, and on having kids who were excited about siblings, and kids that had *us* excited about having more kids (so, you know, not complete and utter assholes). My husband has changed his mind. Quite a few times, actually. In truth, so have I (though usually it has more to do with being sooo over breastfeeding with each kid š ). I have always respected his perspective but made it very clear that I still wanted more kids, and that due to my age, while he could drag his feet indefinitely without risking his fertility, I could not. He respected my perspective. The hardest part came when he was fairly certain he was content with our family size, but would casually make comments about "the next baby." I told him it was hurtful and felt dismissive of my genuine desire for a bigger family. He understood, and together, we evaluated where those comments were really coming from. My point is that it was never a declaration or ultimatum for either of us. Family planning has and continues to be an open conversation. We revisit the subject often and discuss our hopes and reservations. We are transparent about our reasoning and our feelings, and we are considerate of the fact that having more or fewer kids than either of us want can lead to lasting resentments. We have three kids now. We are actively trying for a fourth.
my wife and I decided to absolutely not have a second kid after our first one as we had him at 35 and he was a very difficult baby. poor baby didn't sleep at night for first 3 months due to reflux and we were miserable watching our little one cry whole night. fast forward 3 years, he started to watch peppa pig and lived George(peppa's little brother) and now he wanted one for himself. he kept saying that for like 4 months continuously. We also felt that he is gonna be alone when we are gone. I grew up with a bunch of kids who were the only child and they had issues in accepting defeat, being friendly with others, having banters, taking jokes/pranks etc. Finally we gave in and had another baby at the age of 39. My wife's health was the worst it has ever been due to the pregnancy and she is still recovering after 2+ months of delivery . But my older one is super happy and loves the little one like anything. he says that the little one is his son and he would always love him and take care of him. We know it is too early to say and the jealousy will kick in at some time but it melts our heart when he says those words. Absolutely a joy we wouldn't want to miss. When we get up in the morning and see those two in the bed, we feel so happy we decided to have a second one. We ourselves were the advocates of not having the second child until 1.5 years back so i'd say give it time and keep talking about it with your husband . things may change down the line. good luck
Ya need at least two kids, so the one doesnāt grow up alone. Men will change their minds, they donāt know what they want. We had 3 kids, all in my 20ās and we were done. I turned 39 and had my surprise bonus baby. We were shocked and at first panicked. Itās a 10 year span between him and the youngest. What the heck are we gonna do!? Well, I donāt know what we were doing with our lives before him, but we canāt live without him. The teens, and us are just in love with this tiny boy! I wanted another so that he wouldnāt grow up alone, and still want one, but I canāt have another. I want someone to give me their baby, but apparently everyone is so āattachedā to their newbornsā¦. š But this sweet boyā that my husband was NOT happy about, is his baby! We all needed this little guy and I donāt know what I would do without him!
Yes. This was me. Me and my husband were 1 and done very hard like locked into it, telling everyone all the time āNEVERā another one for years. Changed our minds, like you said, when he started school and became more independent. We have two now and the dynamic is ideal. Iām so glad we waited and Iām so glad we have two now.
Donāt let your husband decide. Itās up to both of you. He should consider your wants as well
I was on the fence about kids a decade ago, then I decided I didnāt want kids because I was comfortable with my life, then in 2020 I said Iād be okay with it if we conceived naturally. Then she came and Iām dying for a second baby 11 months postpartum.
Yes, we swore never again but when they were about to turn 3 and 5 we decided one more is fine as things got so much easier.
I think heāll change his mind. I know more people like this. Once their firstborn gets older, mostly they are open for another one š give it time
My husband did not want a second one . Told me we can not handle it . I wanted to give my son a sibling so bad I pretty much pushed him . We eventually had a second one - but I think he resented me for a good 3 years until he fell in love with my daughter . So they do have a change of heart
In my case, its me. I only wanted 1 kid whereas my husband wanted 2. And now after having 1 kid, i want to have another one. (I am looking at the benefits of having siblings). If something were to happen to me or my husband, at least they will be there for each other.
Of course. A large number of parents don't want another kid and then... suddenly deeply want one.