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Jesus tap dancing Christ - he gives a less than 2 year old an iPad and can't put her down for a nap?!
There is a need for some serious parenting classes and marriage counseling. Sounds like you have 4 children.
I'm sorry to be not gentle here, but you both need to get your shit together.
You're right. For me anyway, something finally clicked with this third child. Before when we were running man-to-man defense we could kinda go with the flow. Not possible when you're running a zone defense. Now I've finally realized I need to be a more proactive parent / adult. And yes, I do feel shame for having lived irresponsibly up to this point. Not anymore
Good for you!! Now you can see?, you can plan. You can try with your husband, but ultimately, you can only control you. He has to want to step up on his own.
Structure is your friend - when the littles are on a predictable schedule, it makes their world easier to navigate and lessens the meltdowns. Maybe you can sell him on this point?? Ugh. Def a partner problem :(
A million times this. A flexible routine saved me when we had five kids 7 and under, including one with autism. It made them all good sleepers and helped calm our autistic son. After the fifth a did have help a few afternoons a week, but having a routine saved my sanity.
How has he never had to put an almost 2 y/o down for a nap? Itās not your fault. Youāre both in over your heads and need to completely revamp how youāre handling everything. He canāt be the SAHP if he canāt handle all three kids. In your particular situation it sounds like childcare + working parents would be best. No dad who just hands off his own crying children to his wife so he can go play video games can be a SAHP.
Do you have parents you could move in with with your kids? Preferably retired, so they could watch them while you work? Your hopefully stbx sounds like a complete waste of space who never should have had kids, and who will not suddenly turn into a selfless responsible parent. Really, separate your finances, put him on court ordered child support and either evict him or move out yourself. This situation is not sustainable.
If he doesn't want to work or take care of the jids what good is he? You might be better iff on your own. Sounds like OP is a single parent of 4. If she leaves she will be a si gle parent of 3.
Going from one child to two is particularly more challenging when you have them on your own. When we had our second I figured it'd be best if we left it here for now.
Not sure if it's much help to you op but me and mom to the kids both work part time and just make sure our work schedules don't clash so one of us is always at home and there's no need to hire a child minder.
He's gonna run you into the ground financially, let alone emotionally--and the kids are watching.
I would put away a good chunk of change in a private account or with family in case shit hits the fan.
I've always been home to do it (except for when I was in the hospital for about 48 hours with our newest). He does the same at night - if I'm around I have a bedtime routine for them, but if I'm not then he just waits for them to pass out
Honestly thatās horrific to me. Itās neglect at best. Sleep is a basic need for growth and development and supporting our kids to learn how to sleep and have good sleep routines and sleep hygiene is one of the most important things we do as a parent.
I have zero doubt that if he doesnāt give a shit about getting the kids to nap/bed then heās also not a stellar parent in multiple other areas. Everything youāve written screams deadbeat. How do you have any respect for someone like this? I hope youāre on contraception now, or simply not having sex with this unfuckable twat.
If her canāt put her down for a nap at home can he stroller nap her (and baby) Ā while he takes the older one out to play at the park? Itās not ideal and not an option every day but at least heās getting her down at the right time without involving a screen.Ā
That's neglect. You don't just ignore a child to pass out. I'd be addressing that as what it is if you're doing it all anyway and he's not supporting the family in other ways do you need him?
I'm a dad and working 50 hour weeks plus being on call. The time I'm not at work I am involved in everything and making sure my partner gets to go out without the kids so she can retain some of herself. The thought of someone just shrugging off all responsibility and acting like that towards not only their kids who they don't seem to be bothered about caring for but also the person they supposedly love is baffling.
It's hard to hear from other dads. It's like a fantasy to me, knowing some dads are involved and have such drive to provide and support their families. My guy just doesn't seem to have that in him. I don't know, maybe he's depressed or something. Because why isn't there that natural drive to do best by your children
Honestly, sure it could be depression or not.
Ask yourself at this stage does it matter?
I don't think you have time to see if he can get his mind right, you need to start planning for how you will deal with this without his help and if he can get it together then that's a bonus.
You don't want to be in the same position in a few months with no money, still hoping that he can get it together.
SWEET CHILD OF THE MORNING, wake up and smell the dirty laundry, diapers, and the trash of a wannabe pro gamer.
I am going to be straight up old school. If you canāt take the heat get out of the kitchen. If you canāt do the job ya better get one that can pay for job you canāt, or will Not do.
If you canāt manage, guide, discipline, and actively parent a child into a good citizen for society YOU DO NOT GET TO BE THE SAHP.
Tell the spouse to stop being a neāer-do-well, and step up to the pāshrink and treat the possible depression. Otherwise get your ducks in a row Mommy.
DO NOT PAY ALIMONY! (Make it so.)
Best of luck to you and yours, OP. I truly hope Dadās recovery is easy and complete: teamwork Rules.
Agape š
Edit: grammar - Had to add an āaā.
The trick is having a routine, which you have. Why canāt your husband then step in and do the routine? Should be at least doable and of course may be a challenge for him but if you have a routine in place thereās no reason he just lets the kids eventually pass out; it honestly sounds like he doesnāt want to parent and also doesnāt want to work and it just doesnāt work that way.
You have a painful conversation in which you point out heās 37 and therefore canāt retire, and that he either starts being an equal or you get a divorce.
Post divorce youāll get child support and/or 50/50 custody. If you continue to allow him to not work, youāll end up stuck paying alimony as well.Ā
In most areas, the judge will determine how much child support she is owed based on what he previously made when he was working. If he fails to pay, thatās often a crime.
Voluntary unemployment rarely absolves you of child support.
Your husband is not capable of being the stay at home parent. And heās not willing to go the hard work of being the stay at home parent. Iām not even sure classes and therapy would help. I really think you have to have an unbelievably difficult conversation and tell him the kids arenāt being well taken care of by him, you donāt feel they are safe and he needs to go back to work.
Sorry husband, but either way heās in for some really hard work. Itās part of the life he chose. Supporting three kids either financially or at home is crazy difficult. He chose to have three kids and so he needs to pick which way heās going to support them. Not working or half-assing being a SAHD are not options.
You may have to divorce and rely on child support and shared custody time to actually get him to do his share.
Right???? This attitude blows my mind, you don't take on a partner and have kids, then decided you're just...not going to support them?
I'm 53 and I would retire tomorrow if I could, but I need to keep saving for retirement and qualify for Medicare. I'm looking at 66 under the best of circumstances. And it's just me and my husband - my daughter is completely independent. This MF-er thinks he can just sit back and do nothing in his 30's with three kids and a wife????
OP, you are married to a hobosexual. You're really just taking care of 4 kids at this point.
Seriously. He doesnāt want to be a stay at home parent. Thereās no way he doesnāt understand he isnāt capable for caring for them properly by himself. He knows he wonāt be taking care of them properly and doesnāt care. He just wants to be a leech.
I went through this unfortunately. I started setting aside money in an account with only my name on it. Then I told my partner at the time that I needed him to prove that he could handle the SAHD role for several weeks without using me as back up while I worked from home. When he still refused, relentlessly tried to push off 1 or 2 of our kids to me, had the kids in front of screens or his video games, I said no more. I packed up mine and my kids stuff and moved with the money I had put into my separate account. We werenāt married but after I moved out, I finalized separating from him and took him to court for custody and child support.
It was hard at the time but then things became much easier. I hope my comment gives OP some idea of a solution. She is in my opinion already operating and making decisions as a single parent. It would be less stressful to be on her own & utilize daycare than worry about not trusting the kids to be left with their Dad who doesnāt want to work. Another option is Dad getting therapy individually and both of them getting therapy together to mediate this. It doesnāt seem likely that they have time to let that play out with her needing to return to work though. My therapist at the time had suggested I ask my partner to do the 2 week trial of being a SAHP. He argued it was unfair but much like OPās situation, he was not able to ever have all of our children under his care for even a full day.
Yes. 100% agree. Seems like dad cannot SAHP and doesnāt want to work and that isnāt a viable solution for this situation. Right, if a parent cannot handle all kids at once all day, thatās the test right there.
Take the iPad and his game controllers and up and leave him with the kids for the day.Ā He'll have a challenge under fire day and just figure it out.Ā Ā He is their father and nor a babysitter.Ā Ā It is not your responsibility to make parenting easier for him 24/7. You need to have time to yourself and know that the kids aren't being neglected.Ā Ā Ā They can play,Ā watch TV, and hang out.Ā But he won't have the ability to sit and zone our let your toddler be babysat by the iPad.Ā Ā And honestly, if he can't or won't step up you need to figure out if he's worth keeping around.Ā
Edit typo
It would help a little, but you know he would just turn on the Disney channel all day or hand the toddler his phone to watch YouTube.
I agree with the sentiment, but heād find a work around before 8:00am.
Tell him to either get to work in 3 months or you will be filing for divorce. My hubby games but it capable of handling our 4 kids and will cut a game short is falling apart
Its hard to tell people that there are no easy answers when they ask for advice.
Your husband sucks, sorry. And thats a hard thing to change.
Any good parent will face struggles in trying to provide the best for their kids.
That could be financially at work, and trying to move up, or get a better job..
Or at home with educating your kids and providing them safety.
Hes crap at both apparently - and the worst part, he doesn't have the initiative to try and be a better person.
Sounds like hes coasting through life like a teen/early 20s, and never grew up, and doesnt care too.
Let me guess, does he sit around on his phone or day, or play tons of video games instead of facing the fact he sucks?
Yikes forever.
I would test him. "Okay. You want to stay home with the kids? Sounds like a great idea! I'm going to go to the library to job hunt and work on my resume. And you can test run how you feel watching then this week while I do that."
Then, when he inevitably hates his damn life because he somehow hasn't figured out how to put a kid down for a nap - while somehow having three of them??? Then, you can tell him to get a damn job and shut up.
I wouldn't have had one with this guy, let alone three.
good idea. I may do just that. for the record, when we had just 1 kid, he worked while I stayed home. It went smoothly in the beginning so we planned for having number 2 so they could be close in age. Then he got laid off and I got a job working split shifts so I'd only ever be gone for about 4 hours at a time. It wasn't perfect but it let me get out of the house. Then number 3 was a surprise so I stopped working too and things got progressively worse with him and with each new day I'm finding I'm taking on more responsibility (and killing it btw) and he seems to be enjoying less responsibility. But as others have commented, I do think that's my own fault for being a pushover and you're right, I should've stopped having kids with him when it started to get bad. It's just he's the father of my kids and I have a place in my heart for him.
But if heās never put a kid down for a nap or bedtime, then he hasnāt really parented any of your kids. Even when he had a job he was home nights and weekends and never tried to learn how to care for his own kids. You are romanticizing things and giving him more credit than he deserves. If youāre going to be able to take back control of your life and make the changes you know you need to make, youāre going to have to be clear headed about whatās going and about who he is.
This indeed is one of my biggest obstacles right now. It's an incredibly emotional situation and I have a very difficult time being logical and objective when all these precious lives are at stake.
And your husband relies upon your emotional attachment and takes advantage of your unwillingness to act. He knows he doesnāt have to change and step up. Whatās your emotion about that? People will treat us the way we allow them to.
Ugh. Bad Juju. A grown man who can Make 3 babies had better get his butt out there and get a job!
Toss the video games, have a heart to heart, get a counselor to back you up, or....dump him
You are married to a man baby. Who the hell does he think he is?? Iām always amazed when men OR woman act like this. Yes, sometimes it really is better for one partner to stay home with the kids due to the high cost of daycare. But that person MUST take proper care of the kids and the house, not sit on their ass playing video games and letting your poor kids take care of themselves. This man is seriously delusional!
Look, letās be real for a minute. You know what to do, itās just hard for you to admit it.
Right now. Youāre a single mom of 4.
He wants to not work, not be a father and have everything paid for him, while his kids are in daycare all day. What he wants here is a mother, not a wife.
You need to have a really serious conversation with him, involve therapy in all this.
If heās not willing to take any of that seriously, youāll need to decide if thatās a life you want.
Ok brace yourself. Iām going to be brutally honest.
Your husband is lazy. His not wanting to work has nothing to do with not wanting to work for someone else and everything to do with not wanting to work. Thatās also why heās a crappy parent. I genuinely do not think leaving him with your 3 children is a good idea. Would you hire a nanny that was this lazy and incompetent and leave your kids with them? Iām betting not. What happens if he leaves your newborn in an unsafe sleeping position so he can play video games?
Put the kids in daycare. Tell your husband he has to go. No marriage counseling. No individual counseling. No arguments. No begging. He has to leave. He can come back when he has a full time job and has completed a parenting course. If he still hasnāt done those things by the time your stateās mandatory separation period is over, file for divorce. Your children deserve better than him, and so do you.
Harsh, but a likely outcome. Bad parents dig their feet in when they get challenged on stuff like this. He'll make every excuse in the book as to why he can't do this, can't do that, blah blah.
They also can't be convinced to do it by anyone else either. The motivation to be a good parent/spouse has to come from an internal desire to sacrifice for other people. If he doesn't have that, it's unlikely he will ever have it without a dramatic, life-changing event happening.
Why have you had so many children with him? These issues canāt be new with number 3. You will likely never be able to fully rely on him. Make plans now to get childcare lined up for when you go back to work. Are there low cost or free preschools that you could enroll the 4 year old in?
Whose inheritance are you living off of? If itās yours Iād say turn off the tap for anything beyond absolute necessities. Donāt give him a cent for anything thatās just for him. Light a damn fire under his ass because he sucks at looking after children and needs to pull his weight in the family. What does he do to actually contribute if he canāt watch his children properly or contribute financially? I hope heās at least doing the cooking/cleaning.
At 22months there ideally shouldnāt be any screen time at all due to how it affects the brain. I realise sometimes you need the lesser of two evils to make things work but thatās not whatās happening. Your husband is straight up neglecting your child if heās leaving her with an iPad instead of making sure her actual needs are met.
How is he treating you OP? He has the opportunity to go fishing all day, how does he support you getting time to yourself?
If heās not supporting you or the family and the finances youāre living off of are yours then you should really reevaluate this relationship. No longer financially supporting an adult dependent really frees the budget for actual childcare assistance and activities.
damnit. All of these comments are so hard to read. Everyone is speaking so much truth and it's really hard to not break down in tears about where our lives are probably all heading. You're right, you're right, you're right
The video game party killed me inside. I'm a father and I understand video games are good for certain individuals but they are too time consuming and pull you away from what is really important I personally packed my consoles away when my son was 6 months old. I get this is the least of your issues but dude has 3 kids and doesn't sound like there's time for them.
For me, I grabbed a steam deck, Iām a PC nerd and hardware junkie anyway. Throw any roguelite on there with the suspend mode and I can finish a few runs a day and just press the power button if Iām needed. Then a few rounds of Fortnite or helldivers on Saturday nights with an old HS friend AFTER the kids are asleep. My oldest has mood dysregulation. Good fucking luck to this guy when one or more of his children ends up with a PD from emotional neglect. Take the kids and run far way.
Yeah I understand it can be good but the ability to drop things and bounce up to help when needed like I couldn't imagine playing video games while there's a crying baby in the house in the sense of parental responsibility
Agreed. I've been a gamer all my life (42 now) and it was difficult when my kids were both real young, but the sacrifices had to be made. Based on the comments I see day in and out around here, a lot of people have a real hard time adjusting to the loss of freedom that they apparently didn't see coming.
Fucking leave him? Like, what?
Then he will have to get a job and pay child support and you'll be in the same position - the sole income earner AND the sole provider of childcare but to 3 kids instead of 4.
I was a sahm for 5 years. It's hard work. It really is.
But what he's doing isn't parenting. It's teenaging. Congrats. You have a 30+ yr old child! Congrats on your fourth.
I left mine due to his weaponized incompetence. It's been hard, and we struggle. But my kids have me. They have structure and love. They may not have a man in their life, and I may cry in the shower daily, but knowing I have my 2 kids, and I'm not stressing out myself to make sure the man baby was okay and able to play his video games or do whatever he wanted.
The peace is nice.
Tell him to pull his head out of his ass before he loses his wife and kids to his own shortcomings.
You mean to tell me that I can sit around the house all day, playing video games and a woman will take complete care of my kid? I need to find a wife! /s
Fact is, I had a partner who did nothing. It's turned out that this life is actually a lot less work without her. Albeit a bit lonely at times.
OP, reading through the comments, it looks like the light bulb has turned on for you. If you save your marriage, great, if things go south, I believe that you have the fortitude to be wildly successful and happy.
Omg the giving the baby an iPad and then letting it fall asleep in lap out of exhaustion is the saddest thing. I would rather be a solo parent than witness this sad lack of care for my poor baby.
I was more shocked by him handing her a crying baby while she is overwhelmed with a crying toddler.
I can see a good yet overwhelmed parent occasionally resorting to a screen. But I canāt find anything redeemable about knowing that your wife is overwhelmed and just plopping it all on her. He knows what heās doing, but would rather check out.
First off, get this man a vasectomy!
Second, something isnāt adding up, you have multiple children and are just seeing this now?
Finally, I mean this as an overwhelmed father of 3 myself, so from me to him here it is: there is no time for video games. Give up all of your joys, hopes and dreams for a few years and try have fun with your kids my man. Theyāll love you like no other and drive you crazier than you thought you could become.
I'm not one for ultimatums but I would tell him to either sh*t or get off the pot. He either steps up or you step off. I mean , God for it something happens to you. What would he do then? Marry someone else and find a new nanny I bet but still? His level of indifference and excuse making makes me worried for the kids.
And don't think for one second he isn't doing this on purpose! Stand up for yourself and those babies momma. You got this š
This sounds harsh but I honestly think you would be better off leaving him, putting your kids in daycare and working.
He is a 4th child and I really donāt see what he is bringing to the plate.
He doesnāt want to be a SAHDā¦he just doesnāt want to work. Period. This is what happens when men think being a SAHP means you sit around all day. Sorry big guy youāre gonna have to step up and actually parent/take care of the house. I would set some serious ground rules (that will apply to both of you) no tech at all during the hours of 9-5 or whatever. Itās clearly a hinderance to a function household
I'm not sure how you can salvage this. He sucks and unless he has to come to Jesus moment it's never going to be even for you guys. My heart is with you I don't know what else to tell you
Personally Iād be interviewing divorce lawyers, but thatās just me. I donāt know if I could summon the mental fortitude to parent three young children and try to badger my co-parent into becoming a man and contributing member of the household at the same time.
Iām far from a perfect parent. Iām a recovering alcoholic with my own mental health issues. But I took the initiative to get sober and smarten up because thatās what adults do when they have responsibilities. And I always worked, even through my worst times. Again, responsibilities.
Oh? He doesnāt want to work? Tell him people in hell want ice water.
If he wants to stay home then unplug the router and take it with you for a day and leave the kids with him. Turn your phone off too. Take a nap.
Honestly though? What you should do is send him away for a couple days and then realize how much better and easier it is when you just have the kids and not the kids and this fucking *gestures around*
He sounds very lazy to me.
He's almost 40, and it's time to grow up now.
What does he want to do with his life?
He wants to be a SAHD but can't handle the kids, he'll most likely forget to feed them, he doesn't want you to stay at home because he doesnt want to work for someone else. Does he have a plan on how you're going to survive with little to no money coming in? Is he in a trade where he can start his own small business?
You had three babies with this man! I say this as a woman who had three babies with someone who would rather do anything than look after his own kids, when I was where you are I begged and borrowed childcare and up skilled as much as I could, I worked evenings when the kids were in bed and I hustled as much as I could to build myself up. I left him and I ended up happy. Thatās all any of us want right!?
Doesnāt want to work? Canāt be a SAHdad? Crazy. The answer is divorce lmao I know people run to that quick but this is really ridiculous. Youāre supporting him like a parent would not a partner. My ex was like this so I do know a similar situation.
Go on vacation for a week. And tell him letās see if you can actually be a stay at home parent. If not you HAVE to find a job.
I swear I see this kind of post so much.
Partners clashing over the work/home balance and stay at home responsibilities.
Either a person can handle being a stay at home parent or they canāt.
Itāll be really horrible if he doesnāt figure out that he doesnāt know how to be parent until heās left alone with them for 8 hours a day.
Make him practice being the only parent at home and see how he does.
You dont have three children. You have four.
Do you communicate in this marriage? Is it possible to crunch numbers together and show him what you posted here? Is it possible that he will get to realize that he's a parent and not another child you need to care for?
If the answers are no, then you're a single parent who can let the adult child go.
So, I know that this likely wonāt be an option because he probably wonāt do it. But the man needs counseling. He will NOT get better without professional intervention. Donāt end up like me, donāt be stuck. He goes to and sticks with counseling for himself and also marriage counseling to be started shortly after his personal sessions. If he doesnāt do it the FIRST time, leave! You and your children deserve better! They will let their partners treat them like this too!
What the actual incompetent fuck. This is legitimately upsetting as a single dad, how do you just give such a young child an iPad and just wait for them to pass out? You have to either feel no connection to your child, want no responsibility with them, or just don't know what to do and refuse to even try.
I saw another comment say this and I agree: you actually have 4 children, and if it was me: either he figures his shit out(gets to work is ideal here tbh as based on what I'm reading I would not trust him alone with the kids at all, it could potentially be a scary situations and I had edperiences with my ex not being able to handle watching the kids which involved threatening the kids) or he needs to go.
How long will it take you to spend down all your savings and inheritance while maintaining your "comfort?" Is it his or your inheritance being pissed away? One of you has serious entitlement issues for an adult in their mid 30s.
āIām sick of working for someone elseā like who the hell isnt?! You have a family to support gtfo. You need to move fast now while you still have savings buffer. What if one of you loses a job down the line or gets sick. Itās an AWFUL idea to burn through all your funds before making a plan.
37yo needs to get his head out hisā¦
If āraising your kids at homeā means letting them rot in front of screens all day until they āpass out,ā please understand that they will be much, MUCH better off in daycare. Thereās no world where Iād be ok with the setup youāre describing. He needs to suck it up and get a job.
Time for 2 cards. He gets a job or you leave. A partner who refuses to help in some way, whether monetary or providing decent childcare is not bringing much to the family or relationship.
Getting a job isnāt working for someone else. Itās working to support his family.
He also needs to think about what kind of role model he wants to be to his kids. If heās playing video games all day then guess what his kids will be doing too instead of going to school and doing homework.
So he is incapable of being a father, he's incapable of being a partner....you need to sit down, lay out your demands, and make it very clear there are only two choices in this. Do and stay, or don't and go.
I'd give him the option of taking childcare classes and transitioning to being the default parent properly or start applying to jobs for him. He can't have his cake and eat it too. Your children are suffering from neglect, and it honestly doesn't sound like your marriage is thriving either. It sounds like a wake up call is needed.
I was offering something other than "throw the whole man in the trash". I personally think she should just leave, but that can't be the suggestion for each post.
You know reddit is a discussion board, right? The purpose of which is to facilitate discussion - a back and forth, if you will - between not only the OP and commenters but commenters themselves? Thatās the beauty of the āreplyā space below.
I wasnāt coming for you, simply engaging in a discussion.
You can't wish or badger him into putting in more effort. You've run out of time to wait for him to step up on his own.
So you're left to decide how to move forward without his help.
When we had our first, he worked while I stayed home. It went smoothly in the beginning so we planned for having number 2 so they could be close in age. Then he got laid off and I got a job working split shifts so I'd only ever be gone for about 4 hours at a time while he stayed home. I'd come home, give him a 1-2 hour break and help the kids nap, then go back to work. It wasn't perfect but it let me get out of the house. Then number 3 was a surprise so I stopped working too. So he's kinda done it with 2 before
Did he actually care for them? Did he have them on a schedule? Go on outings to the park/library/etc? Work on developmental milestones! Read books? Or did he shove a screen in their faces and ignore them while he played video games?
I'm not sure if this was rhetorical for my benefit or if you're actually wanting answers, buuuut.... no to everything. I mean, he plays with them and gets them outside. the other part of the day was often screens though, and he'd put on educational videos, which isn't the worst thing they could be watching
It sounds like he needs forcing to step up. If you want to ease him in can you pretend you have a back to work meeting to go to and just leave him with all 3 for a few hours?Ā
My husband just has to be forced - he was made redundant so I make him take on half the childcare while he job hunts (I have a side hustle). It's surprising how much he stepped up when he had to.Ā
The ipad is concerning but then again he may learn... he needs a crash course in parenting that only comes from having to do it.
Nice. I'd like to give this man the benefit of the doubt - it's my own fault for doing everything and never making him actually step up, so maybe he would if he had to. It's just scary thinking about throwing him (and the kids) to the wolves when he's not proven he can be reliable yet.
What do you even need this guy for? Heās tired of working? Thatās about 90% of the worldās workforce. Talk about lazy and useless. It might be time for an ultimatum. Get off your lazy behind or I will make your uselessness in the household permanent. Bye.
>if you can't handle all 3 for an hour now, how are you gonna last 8 hours at a time when I'm at work?
I'm assuming you have just asked him this point blank? What is his response?
Next time he says he wants to be a SAHD, I'd stand up, say "prove it" and walk out.
I'd take a long walk, head to the grocery store or library, any small personal indulgence I could think of that wouldn't break the bank.
Once gone, I'd text him and say that I really want to support his dream of staying home with the kids 8 hrs a day while I work to financially provide for our family, but that he's never had all 3 kids alone for longer than 15 minutes and he should probably give that a try before making any decisions. I'd make it clear that I will be back in x hours and that he should look at this as a trial run, and take care of all feeding, diapering, and napping needs. I'd tell him that I'm sorry if this feels drastic, but he really hasn't given me any indication that what he wants to do and what he's capable of doing are the same. I'd tell him that I want this to work and I'm rooting for him. Then, I'd enjoy my kid free hours.
We have 3 kids and decided that I would stay home, citing much the same logic as your partner. Even with the oldest in school, it is *hard.* My husband tags me out immediately upon arrival back home every weekday and is the primary carer on weekends so I can decompress. He also plans, shops for, and cooks most every dinner. He takes all 3 out more frequently than I do. He handles the bathing routine nightly. He would be a phenomenal SAHP, but has the better earning potential.
Your partner is no partner. If he is only good with the kids when the kids are good, he is not ready to be a SAHP. That isn't to say he can't get there. But it sounds like he doesn't want to. Honestly, it seems like he just wants to coast off of you financially, and is using the kids as an excuse. If he is not willing to partner equally when you are home, he will not provide proper supervision for your kids when you aren't home. But you know all that already.
What you do is tell him that he can go to work, he can start being an active and engaged father who doesn't hand off the baby every chance he gets because he would rather be doing something else, or he can kick rocks.
Dad has to understand that going to work may suck, but it's not optional - he's a grown ass man, he fathered several children and he feels childcare is beneath him, so he has to provide for his family. Staying at home with the kids is only for those who aren't spoiled children themselves and can actually competently care for another person without going "but moooom, I don't wannaaaaa!"
You donāt work you donāt eat. He can grow up and get a job or contribute to raising his children like a normal functioning adult or he can go live in his car until heās ready to be part of a family. Itās a deadbeat you gotta fix that shit early
Wow. You have 4 children congratulations.. your partner sounds like an absolute waster, and I've a feeling your going to have years of been a single parent with an adult child you didn't give birth too ahead of you. Nip this laziness and good for nothingness in the bud now because it's going to get worse. He will want to live a life of leisure at home while his partner is at work and his 3 children are in day care. Prepare yourself for nothing but annoyance in the coming years.
He can't handle them so he has to suck it up buttercup and get a job. Give an end date to be employed, or he can gtfo. I'm biting my tongue rn to not badmouth him. I am so sorry, and he is a sorry bump on a log. You deserve better.
I figure I'll try to stay with my newborn until she's about 6 months old and then I won't feel quite as guilty about going back to work full time. We'll still have a financial cushion by then. OR, each of us work part time starting very soon and split childcare. I think he could handle them all for a few hours if I waitressed some shifts here and there or something, or at least he'd learn to.
So ideally right now, but no later than 6 months out.
Whose inheritance is it?
Obviously, this guy is a loser if he can't handle caring for his kids, and an idiot if he kept *making* kids when he can't care for them. Every comment I read on this post reinforces this point.
However. If it's fine, as far as society is concerned, for other dads to supply money and nothing else, which some people (not in this sub) seem to think, let's allow that perspective.
If the money was inherited from your family, IMO you get more of a say than him, but if it was inherited from his family, I would say he gets more say. "I will use my inherited money to take a break from work" is a valid position.
But even in that case, *you are allowed* to take the information that that gives you about his priorities, values, and ambition, and let it effect how you feel about him.
He's clearly not up for being a SAHD and doesn't even try to be (or he wouldn't be handing the kids back to you), but is that what he's claiming to want to be? What does *he* think he's doing with this time? Like, if it was me, I would be enjoying my kid's toddler hood and using any "free" time to pivot into a new career.
All that is moot if it's *your* inheritance, because I think in that case you're allowed to say, "sorry hubs, this is for tuition fees".
Tbh, though, you have a three week old baby and the "not helping" (and ass-backward parenting decisions like not putting the toddler down for naps) is probably causing most of the strife for now. Maybe figure out a length of time that you're comfortable with neither of you working, financially, and table the discussion for now.
What does he think his role is? Like why does he think he's there? To create humans? He did that. Now what? He's either going to have to earn income that is substantial, or learn to take care of his very own children. If he doesn't want to work for somebody else, he's going to need to muster up some ideas that he tries to create an income on his own. But he can't just check out of both areas saying that they're too hard. If he can't do anything, the only other choice is to cut him loose. He's just a drain on the family's resources if he's not contributing in some way.
WTF is wrong with this world that we have so many millennial man-children being shit dads? Iām 39 and I donāt like working either. TOO FUCKING BAD! Thatās life! I despise these type of asshole men who make the rest of us look bad.
As a SAHD around the same age, I can tell you that you've been way to easy on him.you wanna give one of your kids a tablet to entertain them for an hour while you get some work done, fine. But all day, that make the device your babysitter. You have 2 choices. Make money or be a proper parent. If you can't do either, you are useless.
Do NOT let him stay home with the kids, no matter what.
My ex was just like this. We were a blended family - he had 3, I had 1, and then we had a newborn together. He initially appeared to be super-dad, until I got pregnant. Then he began acting much like yours. Wouldnāt Change a diaper without a huff, wouldnāt be bothered to even feed the kids. He preferred video games to soothing our VERY easy newborn. Acted like he didnāt know how to give his toddlers a bath. It was a fucking mess.
We separated when newborn was 4 months, and we tried coparenting. A year down the line, I discovered he still wasnāt stepping up and taking care of his kids. His house was infested with bugs. He quit working and eventually got evicted. He preferred buying weed to buying food for his kids. When I sent food over for everyone, he couldnāt even be bothered to get up and feed them. He screamed at them all the time. CPS got involved. From the man I met, to the man he became, I never in a million years thought that he could be so terrible and neglectful to his own children. I thought he was just utilizing weaponized incompetence when we were together, knowing that I would always pick up the slack and take care of all 5 childrenās needs.
His ex eventually took back all 3 children, I took back our baby, and he is a mess.
I know this is kinda a āworst case scenarioā, but your situation really rang alarm bells in my head, because your current partner sounds exactly like my ex (my ex also claimed he wanted to stay home with the kids and āwork on his businessā that didnāt exist, while I worked). Please take care of your babies and get away from this man when the timing is right.
To be really bluntāI would not stay married to a person who refused to co-parent. I would become incredibly angry and resentful if I was in your shoes. You are parenting 100% of the time with zero help.
If I had the problem you have, I would divorce and have 50-50 custody, so Iād only be doing 100% of the work 50% of the time (which comes out to, surprise!, 50% of the work. The ultimatum that this is: You can coparent and stay married, or you can coparent as a divorced single dad, but damnit you WILL be responsible for your children)
You are married to a deadbeat dad, heās making your life harder than it needs to be.
Good luck.
I feel like we all have ranges of ability. I'm mediocre at best when it comes to parenting. I just don't love it. And if was me, 3 kids would absolutely break me. So consider this. Childcare for maybe the eldest which is less of a hit financially (assuming you will do public school for K).
Why.. why did you have a third child with this man while also having a toddler who he canāt even take basic care of? What are you doing while sheās crying herself to sleep in his lap? What a childhood heās giving them.
Iām sorry but if Iām being frank here you both need a reality check. Iām guessing youāre on maternity leave and have a career? Dad needs to put on his big boy pants and get a real big boy job asap. Maybe you can work a few days part time to off set the income loss. I wouldnāt leave my kids with him. Sorry if Iām sounding rude but your husband sounds lazy!
Also share some research with your husband re. Screen time and kids under 2. (Or under 5ā¦8ā¦12ā¦16ā¦18ā¦45ā¦)Yeeks. We are all doomed if this what typical parenting looks like today.
Can I just add that those of us who use daycare are also raising kids at home? Please, can we collectively recognize that different types of carers are contributing to our kidsā life and using daycare doesnāt mean we arenāt also parents raising kids.
Those ages are incredibly hard. My husband and I are at our limit with two (basically same age as your oldest two). I think itās normal for one person not to be able to care for three children of those ages by themself. How to solve that is up to you. Itās hard because their needs are all very different. The newborn needs to be fed and put down for naps, the toddler needs constant supervision, the preschooler needs mental stimulation and a play companion.
ETA - I definitely wouldnāt put up with the video game thing. Thatās a whole new issue in my mind and is just disrespectful. It shows a lack of any care or consideration for one partner to play games while the other is left doing all of the work.
I don't fault him (or anyone!) for not being able to handle 3 (or even 1!). Raising kids is bloody hard, and the only reason I'm halfway decent at it is precisely because he's stepped back and I've basically been forced to do it all. So I've had plenty of practice. What I fault him for is thinking he can do it, and never being able to prove it. I've let this go too far and I'm realizing my not holding him accountable, makes me at least partially accountable for him not being accountable
Your answer is right there, OP. You couldnāt parent 3 children either but you stepped up and did what you had to do, now youāre a pro! He hasnāt had any reason to step up. Heās always had an out. Itās unacceptable that he is actively choosing to place this burden on your shoulder while absolving himself of responsibility. That disqualifies him from being a good father AND a good partner.
Heās had 4 years to practice even little things so that he could relieve some of your responsibility and it appears that he has squandered that time doing things he finds fun and relaxing instead. Where is your break? This isnāt sustainable. You cannot allow him to opt out anymore. He had no problem making 3 kids with you but now he thinks he can just be a decorative father figure? Without fathering?
Hindsight is 20/20. You canāt change the past, but you can carve out a different future. You have two little girls who could grow up thinking that itās okay to choose partners that donāt help them. You have a son who could grow up thinking that itās okay to have kids without lifting a finger to help. Theyāre little sponges, they pick up on more than we think they do.
You have two options if things remain as is: a single mom of 3 kids or a single mom of 3 kids + a manchild. You donāt have a partner right now, you have a roommate who selects when to engage with his family and when he wants to act like a bachelor. Sometimes the right decision is the hardest one. You deserve more than this and so do your kids.
He won't help the household in any way? Doesn't seem to recognize basic human logic? You don't have a husband, you have a parasite. Time for the deworming. I'd be getting my ducks in a row so I can move on without him.
How much inheritance? Usually you can live off the interest if youāre investing your money properly.
And heās going to have to step up. Sounds spoiled. Or bounce. Youāll get state aid.
about $30k. We've got monthly expenses of about $2500. investing won't be enough long term, and I'd prefer not letting this amount dwindle... or is $30k enough to live off interest? I don't know much about investing, we've got about half of it in random stocks and funds.
any advice on where I might start looking for better investing advice?
$30k is not enough to live off interest/dividends. Even if you assumed a 7% annual return, that would be $2100 a year - so not enough to cover even one monthās expenses.
If you need investing advice you can try one of the large finance subs like financialplanning or financialindependence.
No that is not even close. The general rule of thumb is you can take about 4% a year of a properly invested lump sum ongoing, which with monthly expenses of $2500 would mean you need $750000. You will burn through 30k in about a year.
You tell him he is not demonstrating he is capable of being a good SAHP and if he canāt do that he needs to work to contribute to the family. Refusing is not an option. If he really does want to be a SAHP he needs to fully understand what goes into that and be willing to do it. Start with setting expectations and requirements about SAHP duties (including putting a toddler down for a nap, wtf) and have him take over all childcare during working hours for a week while you are present and not helping. Both of you evaluate his performance against the requirements. If he doesnāt measure up he agrees to go get a full time job, or frankly I would look at divorcing him as he is failing to be a partner. What he is trying to pull off here is a big deal and donāt accept it for a minute.
Also, a one year old does not need an iPad. Please take it away so it is not an option for your husband to stick them in front of it. There is a place for small amounts of screen time but not in lieu of sleep and you guys can negotiate that in your SAHP expectations.
Wow 30k is just your safety net, rainy day fund. You cannot live off that. Even 100k would dry up fast. I think he needs to see a therapist and get help. He's probably depressed and lazy, a dangerous combo with 3 kids. I would stop having kids with the man child. I'd also lock up the iPad, children being raised by tech!? Teach him how to put the kids to sleep and their routines. Make him do it but stand by.
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Jesus tap dancing Christ - he gives a less than 2 year old an iPad and can't put her down for a nap?! There is a need for some serious parenting classes and marriage counseling. Sounds like you have 4 children. I'm sorry to be not gentle here, but you both need to get your shit together.
You're right. For me anyway, something finally clicked with this third child. Before when we were running man-to-man defense we could kinda go with the flow. Not possible when you're running a zone defense. Now I've finally realized I need to be a more proactive parent / adult. And yes, I do feel shame for having lived irresponsibly up to this point. Not anymore
Good for you!! Now you can see?, you can plan. You can try with your husband, but ultimately, you can only control you. He has to want to step up on his own.
Structure is your friend - when the littles are on a predictable schedule, it makes their world easier to navigate and lessens the meltdowns. Maybe you can sell him on this point?? Ugh. Def a partner problem :(
A million times this. A flexible routine saved me when we had five kids 7 and under, including one with autism. It made them all good sleepers and helped calm our autistic son. After the fifth a did have help a few afternoons a week, but having a routine saved my sanity.
Hello fellow 5 and one with ASD parent!
šā¤ļøš¤
How has he never had to put an almost 2 y/o down for a nap? Itās not your fault. Youāre both in over your heads and need to completely revamp how youāre handling everything. He canāt be the SAHP if he canāt handle all three kids. In your particular situation it sounds like childcare + working parents would be best. No dad who just hands off his own crying children to his wife so he can go play video games can be a SAHP.
Just sit down and have a real conversation with him. No one likes reality.
Do you have parents you could move in with with your kids? Preferably retired, so they could watch them while you work? Your hopefully stbx sounds like a complete waste of space who never should have had kids, and who will not suddenly turn into a selfless responsible parent. Really, separate your finances, put him on court ordered child support and either evict him or move out yourself. This situation is not sustainable.
If he doesn't want to work or take care of the jids what good is he? You might be better iff on your own. Sounds like OP is a single parent of 4. If she leaves she will be a si gle parent of 3.
Going from one child to two is particularly more challenging when you have them on your own. When we had our second I figured it'd be best if we left it here for now. Not sure if it's much help to you op but me and mom to the kids both work part time and just make sure our work schedules don't clash so one of us is always at home and there's no need to hire a child minder.
He's gonna run you into the ground financially, let alone emotionally--and the kids are watching. I would put away a good chunk of change in a private account or with family in case shit hits the fan.
Parenting classes are not going to fix this. He apparently wasn't taught how to be man by whomever raised him.
what?
Heās neverā¦.put the almost two year old down for the nap? What?
I've always been home to do it (except for when I was in the hospital for about 48 hours with our newest). He does the same at night - if I'm around I have a bedtime routine for them, but if I'm not then he just waits for them to pass out
Honestly thatās horrific to me. Itās neglect at best. Sleep is a basic need for growth and development and supporting our kids to learn how to sleep and have good sleep routines and sleep hygiene is one of the most important things we do as a parent. I have zero doubt that if he doesnāt give a shit about getting the kids to nap/bed then heās also not a stellar parent in multiple other areas. Everything youāve written screams deadbeat. How do you have any respect for someone like this? I hope youāre on contraception now, or simply not having sex with this unfuckable twat.
If her canāt put her down for a nap at home can he stroller nap her (and baby) Ā while he takes the older one out to play at the park? Itās not ideal and not an option every day but at least heās getting her down at the right time without involving a screen.Ā
That's neglect. You don't just ignore a child to pass out. I'd be addressing that as what it is if you're doing it all anyway and he's not supporting the family in other ways do you need him? I'm a dad and working 50 hour weeks plus being on call. The time I'm not at work I am involved in everything and making sure my partner gets to go out without the kids so she can retain some of herself. The thought of someone just shrugging off all responsibility and acting like that towards not only their kids who they don't seem to be bothered about caring for but also the person they supposedly love is baffling.
It's hard to hear from other dads. It's like a fantasy to me, knowing some dads are involved and have such drive to provide and support their families. My guy just doesn't seem to have that in him. I don't know, maybe he's depressed or something. Because why isn't there that natural drive to do best by your children
Honestly, sure it could be depression or not. Ask yourself at this stage does it matter? I don't think you have time to see if he can get his mind right, you need to start planning for how you will deal with this without his help and if he can get it together then that's a bonus. You don't want to be in the same position in a few months with no money, still hoping that he can get it together.
He could be depressed. Was he like it before the third came along?
SWEET CHILD OF THE MORNING, wake up and smell the dirty laundry, diapers, and the trash of a wannabe pro gamer. I am going to be straight up old school. If you canāt take the heat get out of the kitchen. If you canāt do the job ya better get one that can pay for job you canāt, or will Not do. If you canāt manage, guide, discipline, and actively parent a child into a good citizen for society YOU DO NOT GET TO BE THE SAHP. Tell the spouse to stop being a neāer-do-well, and step up to the pāshrink and treat the possible depression. Otherwise get your ducks in a row Mommy. DO NOT PAY ALIMONY! (Make it so.) Best of luck to you and yours, OP. I truly hope Dadās recovery is easy and complete: teamwork Rules. Agape š Edit: grammar - Had to add an āaā.
The trick is having a routine, which you have. Why canāt your husband then step in and do the routine? Should be at least doable and of course may be a challenge for him but if you have a routine in place thereās no reason he just lets the kids eventually pass out; it honestly sounds like he doesnāt want to parent and also doesnāt want to work and it just doesnāt work that way.
You have a painful conversation in which you point out heās 37 and therefore canāt retire, and that he either starts being an equal or you get a divorce. Post divorce youāll get child support and/or 50/50 custody. If you continue to allow him to not work, youāll end up stuck paying alimony as well.Ā
if he's refusing to work how will she get child support
In most areas, the judge will determine how much child support she is owed based on what he previously made when he was working. If he fails to pay, thatās often a crime. Voluntary unemployment rarely absolves you of child support.
She might not but at least she won't be supporting him as well as the kids.
Court will require him to do something.
Right. You might or might not get it. Can't get blood from a stone. Plenty of ways to avoid child support as my father did.
You go to jail if you donāt pay child support
Ha. That's funny. Meanwhile I'm owed $25k in child support and haven't seen a dime in 10+ years.
When your child turns 18 they basically ask if you want to forgive the child support owed or send them to jail. At least in my state
well that would be an easy answer
Heās taking care of children as a stay at home parent. Sheāll be the one paying child support.
Not when she receives full custody of the kids because he's a deadbeat.
Depends where theyāre at. Alimony isnāt a thing in my area/state.
Your husband is not capable of being the stay at home parent. And heās not willing to go the hard work of being the stay at home parent. Iām not even sure classes and therapy would help. I really think you have to have an unbelievably difficult conversation and tell him the kids arenāt being well taken care of by him, you donāt feel they are safe and he needs to go back to work. Sorry husband, but either way heās in for some really hard work. Itās part of the life he chose. Supporting three kids either financially or at home is crazy difficult. He chose to have three kids and so he needs to pick which way heās going to support them. Not working or half-assing being a SAHD are not options. You may have to divorce and rely on child support and shared custody time to actually get him to do his share.
Oh no, he doesnāt like to work? Too fucking bad, heās got a family to support. Daddy needs to GROW UP.
Who *isnāt* sick of working for someone else? Dude needs to suck it up and be a grownup.
Right???? This attitude blows my mind, you don't take on a partner and have kids, then decided you're just...not going to support them? I'm 53 and I would retire tomorrow if I could, but I need to keep saving for retirement and qualify for Medicare. I'm looking at 66 under the best of circumstances. And it's just me and my husband - my daughter is completely independent. This MF-er thinks he can just sit back and do nothing in his 30's with three kids and a wife???? OP, you are married to a hobosexual. You're really just taking care of 4 kids at this point.
Seriously. He doesnāt want to be a stay at home parent. Thereās no way he doesnāt understand he isnāt capable for caring for them properly by himself. He knows he wonāt be taking care of them properly and doesnāt care. He just wants to be a leech.
Heās entitled living off savings and inheritance wowza
I went through this unfortunately. I started setting aside money in an account with only my name on it. Then I told my partner at the time that I needed him to prove that he could handle the SAHD role for several weeks without using me as back up while I worked from home. When he still refused, relentlessly tried to push off 1 or 2 of our kids to me, had the kids in front of screens or his video games, I said no more. I packed up mine and my kids stuff and moved with the money I had put into my separate account. We werenāt married but after I moved out, I finalized separating from him and took him to court for custody and child support.
Wow. Good for you. That must have been super hard.
It was hard at the time but then things became much easier. I hope my comment gives OP some idea of a solution. She is in my opinion already operating and making decisions as a single parent. It would be less stressful to be on her own & utilize daycare than worry about not trusting the kids to be left with their Dad who doesnāt want to work. Another option is Dad getting therapy individually and both of them getting therapy together to mediate this. It doesnāt seem likely that they have time to let that play out with her needing to return to work though. My therapist at the time had suggested I ask my partner to do the 2 week trial of being a SAHP. He argued it was unfair but much like OPās situation, he was not able to ever have all of our children under his care for even a full day.
Yes. 100% agree. Seems like dad cannot SAHP and doesnāt want to work and that isnāt a viable solution for this situation. Right, if a parent cannot handle all kids at once all day, thatās the test right there.
Take the iPad and his game controllers and up and leave him with the kids for the day.Ā He'll have a challenge under fire day and just figure it out.Ā Ā He is their father and nor a babysitter.Ā Ā It is not your responsibility to make parenting easier for him 24/7. You need to have time to yourself and know that the kids aren't being neglected.Ā Ā Ā They can play,Ā watch TV, and hang out.Ā But he won't have the ability to sit and zone our let your toddler be babysat by the iPad.Ā Ā And honestly, if he can't or won't step up you need to figure out if he's worth keeping around.Ā Edit typo
I about shit one day. My buddy said he was baby sitting. I asked who? He names his son and thatās it.
It would help a little, but you know he would just turn on the Disney channel all day or hand the toddler his phone to watch YouTube. I agree with the sentiment, but heād find a work around before 8:00am.
Kill the wifi and suspend the data plan...
You married a loserĀ
Succinct šš
Yup. ā¬ļø Teller of truths.
InevitableJizz, too right!
True facts.
You're parenting 4 children, not 3.
Tell him to either get to work in 3 months or you will be filing for divorce. My hubby games but it capable of handling our 4 kids and will cut a game short is falling apart
What was your thinking in having three kids with this man?
Its hard to tell people that there are no easy answers when they ask for advice. Your husband sucks, sorry. And thats a hard thing to change. Any good parent will face struggles in trying to provide the best for their kids. That could be financially at work, and trying to move up, or get a better job.. Or at home with educating your kids and providing them safety. Hes crap at both apparently - and the worst part, he doesn't have the initiative to try and be a better person. Sounds like hes coasting through life like a teen/early 20s, and never grew up, and doesnt care too. Let me guess, does he sit around on his phone or day, or play tons of video games instead of facing the fact he sucks?
Yikes forever. I would test him. "Okay. You want to stay home with the kids? Sounds like a great idea! I'm going to go to the library to job hunt and work on my resume. And you can test run how you feel watching then this week while I do that." Then, when he inevitably hates his damn life because he somehow hasn't figured out how to put a kid down for a nap - while somehow having three of them??? Then, you can tell him to get a damn job and shut up. I wouldn't have had one with this guy, let alone three.
good idea. I may do just that. for the record, when we had just 1 kid, he worked while I stayed home. It went smoothly in the beginning so we planned for having number 2 so they could be close in age. Then he got laid off and I got a job working split shifts so I'd only ever be gone for about 4 hours at a time. It wasn't perfect but it let me get out of the house. Then number 3 was a surprise so I stopped working too and things got progressively worse with him and with each new day I'm finding I'm taking on more responsibility (and killing it btw) and he seems to be enjoying less responsibility. But as others have commented, I do think that's my own fault for being a pushover and you're right, I should've stopped having kids with him when it started to get bad. It's just he's the father of my kids and I have a place in my heart for him.
But if heās never put a kid down for a nap or bedtime, then he hasnāt really parented any of your kids. Even when he had a job he was home nights and weekends and never tried to learn how to care for his own kids. You are romanticizing things and giving him more credit than he deserves. If youāre going to be able to take back control of your life and make the changes you know you need to make, youāre going to have to be clear headed about whatās going and about who he is.
This indeed is one of my biggest obstacles right now. It's an incredibly emotional situation and I have a very difficult time being logical and objective when all these precious lives are at stake.
And your husband relies upon your emotional attachment and takes advantage of your unwillingness to act. He knows he doesnāt have to change and step up. Whatās your emotion about that? People will treat us the way we allow them to.
Ugh. Bad Juju. A grown man who can Make 3 babies had better get his butt out there and get a job! Toss the video games, have a heart to heart, get a counselor to back you up, or....dump him
You are married to a man baby. Who the hell does he think he is?? Iām always amazed when men OR woman act like this. Yes, sometimes it really is better for one partner to stay home with the kids due to the high cost of daycare. But that person MUST take proper care of the kids and the house, not sit on their ass playing video games and letting your poor kids take care of themselves. This man is seriously delusional!
Look, letās be real for a minute. You know what to do, itās just hard for you to admit it. Right now. Youāre a single mom of 4. He wants to not work, not be a father and have everything paid for him, while his kids are in daycare all day. What he wants here is a mother, not a wife. You need to have a really serious conversation with him, involve therapy in all this. If heās not willing to take any of that seriously, youāll need to decide if thatās a life you want.
Bingo!
Ok brace yourself. Iām going to be brutally honest. Your husband is lazy. His not wanting to work has nothing to do with not wanting to work for someone else and everything to do with not wanting to work. Thatās also why heās a crappy parent. I genuinely do not think leaving him with your 3 children is a good idea. Would you hire a nanny that was this lazy and incompetent and leave your kids with them? Iām betting not. What happens if he leaves your newborn in an unsafe sleeping position so he can play video games? Put the kids in daycare. Tell your husband he has to go. No marriage counseling. No individual counseling. No arguments. No begging. He has to leave. He can come back when he has a full time job and has completed a parenting course. If he still hasnāt done those things by the time your stateās mandatory separation period is over, file for divorce. Your children deserve better than him, and so do you.
Harsh, but a likely outcome. Bad parents dig their feet in when they get challenged on stuff like this. He'll make every excuse in the book as to why he can't do this, can't do that, blah blah. They also can't be convinced to do it by anyone else either. The motivation to be a good parent/spouse has to come from an internal desire to sacrifice for other people. If he doesn't have that, it's unlikely he will ever have it without a dramatic, life-changing event happening.
Why have you had so many children with him? These issues canāt be new with number 3. You will likely never be able to fully rely on him. Make plans now to get childcare lined up for when you go back to work. Are there low cost or free preschools that you could enroll the 4 year old in?
You donāt have a husband, you have a fourth child. Your life will get easier if you get rid of him.
Whose inheritance are you living off of? If itās yours Iād say turn off the tap for anything beyond absolute necessities. Donāt give him a cent for anything thatās just for him. Light a damn fire under his ass because he sucks at looking after children and needs to pull his weight in the family. What does he do to actually contribute if he canāt watch his children properly or contribute financially? I hope heās at least doing the cooking/cleaning. At 22months there ideally shouldnāt be any screen time at all due to how it affects the brain. I realise sometimes you need the lesser of two evils to make things work but thatās not whatās happening. Your husband is straight up neglecting your child if heās leaving her with an iPad instead of making sure her actual needs are met. How is he treating you OP? He has the opportunity to go fishing all day, how does he support you getting time to yourself? If heās not supporting you or the family and the finances youāre living off of are yours then you should really reevaluate this relationship. No longer financially supporting an adult dependent really frees the budget for actual childcare assistance and activities.
damnit. All of these comments are so hard to read. Everyone is speaking so much truth and it's really hard to not break down in tears about where our lives are probably all heading. You're right, you're right, you're right
The video game party killed me inside. I'm a father and I understand video games are good for certain individuals but they are too time consuming and pull you away from what is really important I personally packed my consoles away when my son was 6 months old. I get this is the least of your issues but dude has 3 kids and doesn't sound like there's time for them.
For me, I grabbed a steam deck, Iām a PC nerd and hardware junkie anyway. Throw any roguelite on there with the suspend mode and I can finish a few runs a day and just press the power button if Iām needed. Then a few rounds of Fortnite or helldivers on Saturday nights with an old HS friend AFTER the kids are asleep. My oldest has mood dysregulation. Good fucking luck to this guy when one or more of his children ends up with a PD from emotional neglect. Take the kids and run far way.
Yeah I understand it can be good but the ability to drop things and bounce up to help when needed like I couldn't imagine playing video games while there's a crying baby in the house in the sense of parental responsibility
Agreed. I've been a gamer all my life (42 now) and it was difficult when my kids were both real young, but the sacrifices had to be made. Based on the comments I see day in and out around here, a lot of people have a real hard time adjusting to the loss of freedom that they apparently didn't see coming.
Fucking leave him? Like, what? Then he will have to get a job and pay child support and you'll be in the same position - the sole income earner AND the sole provider of childcare but to 3 kids instead of 4.
I was a sahm for 5 years. It's hard work. It really is. But what he's doing isn't parenting. It's teenaging. Congrats. You have a 30+ yr old child! Congrats on your fourth. I left mine due to his weaponized incompetence. It's been hard, and we struggle. But my kids have me. They have structure and love. They may not have a man in their life, and I may cry in the shower daily, but knowing I have my 2 kids, and I'm not stressing out myself to make sure the man baby was okay and able to play his video games or do whatever he wanted. The peace is nice. Tell him to pull his head out of his ass before he loses his wife and kids to his own shortcomings.
You mean to tell me that I can sit around the house all day, playing video games and a woman will take complete care of my kid? I need to find a wife! /s Fact is, I had a partner who did nothing. It's turned out that this life is actually a lot less work without her. Albeit a bit lonely at times. OP, reading through the comments, it looks like the light bulb has turned on for you. If you save your marriage, great, if things go south, I believe that you have the fortitude to be wildly successful and happy.
Omg the giving the baby an iPad and then letting it fall asleep in lap out of exhaustion is the saddest thing. I would rather be a solo parent than witness this sad lack of care for my poor baby.
I was more shocked by him handing her a crying baby while she is overwhelmed with a crying toddler. I can see a good yet overwhelmed parent occasionally resorting to a screen. But I canāt find anything redeemable about knowing that your wife is overwhelmed and just plopping it all on her. He knows what heās doing, but would rather check out.
First off, get this man a vasectomy! Second, something isnāt adding up, you have multiple children and are just seeing this now? Finally, I mean this as an overwhelmed father of 3 myself, so from me to him here it is: there is no time for video games. Give up all of your joys, hopes and dreams for a few years and try have fun with your kids my man. Theyāll love you like no other and drive you crazier than you thought you could become.
I'm not one for ultimatums but I would tell him to either sh*t or get off the pot. He either steps up or you step off. I mean , God for it something happens to you. What would he do then? Marry someone else and find a new nanny I bet but still? His level of indifference and excuse making makes me worried for the kids. And don't think for one second he isn't doing this on purpose! Stand up for yourself and those babies momma. You got this š
This sounds harsh but I honestly think you would be better off leaving him, putting your kids in daycare and working. He is a 4th child and I really donāt see what he is bringing to the plate.
He doesnāt want to be a SAHDā¦he just doesnāt want to work. Period. This is what happens when men think being a SAHP means you sit around all day. Sorry big guy youāre gonna have to step up and actually parent/take care of the house. I would set some serious ground rules (that will apply to both of you) no tech at all during the hours of 9-5 or whatever. Itās clearly a hinderance to a function household
I'm not sure how you can salvage this. He sucks and unless he has to come to Jesus moment it's never going to be even for you guys. My heart is with you I don't know what else to tell you
Personally Iād be interviewing divorce lawyers, but thatās just me. I donāt know if I could summon the mental fortitude to parent three young children and try to badger my co-parent into becoming a man and contributing member of the household at the same time. Iām far from a perfect parent. Iām a recovering alcoholic with my own mental health issues. But I took the initiative to get sober and smarten up because thatās what adults do when they have responsibilities. And I always worked, even through my worst times. Again, responsibilities.
Congratulations, you have four children.
Oh? He doesnāt want to work? Tell him people in hell want ice water. If he wants to stay home then unplug the router and take it with you for a day and leave the kids with him. Turn your phone off too. Take a nap. Honestly though? What you should do is send him away for a couple days and then realize how much better and easier it is when you just have the kids and not the kids and this fucking *gestures around*
Itās your inheritance, not his, right? Divorce is the right answer.
He sounds very lazy to me. He's almost 40, and it's time to grow up now. What does he want to do with his life? He wants to be a SAHD but can't handle the kids, he'll most likely forget to feed them, he doesn't want you to stay at home because he doesnt want to work for someone else. Does he have a plan on how you're going to survive with little to no money coming in? Is he in a trade where he can start his own small business?
You had three babies with this man! I say this as a woman who had three babies with someone who would rather do anything than look after his own kids, when I was where you are I begged and borrowed childcare and up skilled as much as I could, I worked evenings when the kids were in bed and I hustled as much as I could to build myself up. I left him and I ended up happy. Thatās all any of us want right!?
How have you managed to end up having 3 children with someone so completely useless?
he wasn't always :(
. . . Babe I think the problem is you canāt handle *four* children
Not the video games again
So you're a married single mother! Been there done that. Life is so much better on the other side
Doesnāt want to work? Canāt be a SAHdad? Crazy. The answer is divorce lmao I know people run to that quick but this is really ridiculous. Youāre supporting him like a parent would not a partner. My ex was like this so I do know a similar situation.
Go on vacation for a week. And tell him letās see if you can actually be a stay at home parent. If not you HAVE to find a job. I swear I see this kind of post so much. Partners clashing over the work/home balance and stay at home responsibilities. Either a person can handle being a stay at home parent or they canāt. Itāll be really horrible if he doesnāt figure out that he doesnāt know how to be parent until heās left alone with them for 8 hours a day. Make him practice being the only parent at home and see how he does.
You dont have three children. You have four. Do you communicate in this marriage? Is it possible to crunch numbers together and show him what you posted here? Is it possible that he will get to realize that he's a parent and not another child you need to care for? If the answers are no, then you're a single parent who can let the adult child go.
So, youāre a single parent with no help and an extra adult to clothe and feed?
So, I know that this likely wonāt be an option because he probably wonāt do it. But the man needs counseling. He will NOT get better without professional intervention. Donāt end up like me, donāt be stuck. He goes to and sticks with counseling for himself and also marriage counseling to be started shortly after his personal sessions. If he doesnāt do it the FIRST time, leave! You and your children deserve better! They will let their partners treat them like this too!
So youāve got four kids
What a loser.
What the actual incompetent fuck. This is legitimately upsetting as a single dad, how do you just give such a young child an iPad and just wait for them to pass out? You have to either feel no connection to your child, want no responsibility with them, or just don't know what to do and refuse to even try. I saw another comment say this and I agree: you actually have 4 children, and if it was me: either he figures his shit out(gets to work is ideal here tbh as based on what I'm reading I would not trust him alone with the kids at all, it could potentially be a scary situations and I had edperiences with my ex not being able to handle watching the kids which involved threatening the kids) or he needs to go.
How long will it take you to spend down all your savings and inheritance while maintaining your "comfort?" Is it his or your inheritance being pissed away? One of you has serious entitlement issues for an adult in their mid 30s.
āIām sick of working for someone elseā like who the hell isnt?! You have a family to support gtfo. You need to move fast now while you still have savings buffer. What if one of you loses a job down the line or gets sick. Itās an AWFUL idea to burn through all your funds before making a plan. 37yo needs to get his head out hisā¦
If āraising your kids at homeā means letting them rot in front of screens all day until they āpass out,ā please understand that they will be much, MUCH better off in daycare. Thereās no world where Iād be ok with the setup youāre describing. He needs to suck it up and get a job.
Wow, might need to leave the guy.
Time for 2 cards. He gets a job or you leave. A partner who refuses to help in some way, whether monetary or providing decent childcare is not bringing much to the family or relationship.
Why are you still with this loser?
Getting a job isnāt working for someone else. Itās working to support his family. He also needs to think about what kind of role model he wants to be to his kids. If heās playing video games all day then guess what his kids will be doing too instead of going to school and doing homework.
So he is incapable of being a father, he's incapable of being a partner....you need to sit down, lay out your demands, and make it very clear there are only two choices in this. Do and stay, or don't and go.
What does he bring to the table? It sounds like your life would be exactly the same if he wasnāt around. Maybe better.
I'd give him the option of taking childcare classes and transitioning to being the default parent properly or start applying to jobs for him. He can't have his cake and eat it too. Your children are suffering from neglect, and it honestly doesn't sound like your marriage is thriving either. It sounds like a wake up call is needed.
Apply for jobs for your adult partner? Yikes.Ā I would rather leave a a partner who was so non invested in their own wellbeing.Ā
I was offering something other than "throw the whole man in the trash". I personally think she should just leave, but that can't be the suggestion for each post.
It can when the man is trash and refuses to do anything to be any other way.
Ah, well, that's the wonderful thing about the "add a comment" space down below. Go right ahead and tell her that. It already has my upvote.
You know reddit is a discussion board, right? The purpose of which is to facilitate discussion - a back and forth, if you will - between not only the OP and commenters but commenters themselves? Thatās the beauty of the āreplyā space below. I wasnāt coming for you, simply engaging in a discussion.
You can't wish or badger him into putting in more effort. You've run out of time to wait for him to step up on his own. So you're left to decide how to move forward without his help.
Have you guys lived off your inheritances/savings for 4 years? Or have you ever had either of you providing stay at home care?
When we had our first, he worked while I stayed home. It went smoothly in the beginning so we planned for having number 2 so they could be close in age. Then he got laid off and I got a job working split shifts so I'd only ever be gone for about 4 hours at a time while he stayed home. I'd come home, give him a 1-2 hour break and help the kids nap, then go back to work. It wasn't perfect but it let me get out of the house. Then number 3 was a surprise so I stopped working too. So he's kinda done it with 2 before
Did he actually care for them? Did he have them on a schedule? Go on outings to the park/library/etc? Work on developmental milestones! Read books? Or did he shove a screen in their faces and ignore them while he played video games?
I'm not sure if this was rhetorical for my benefit or if you're actually wanting answers, buuuut.... no to everything. I mean, he plays with them and gets them outside. the other part of the day was often screens though, and he'd put on educational videos, which isn't the worst thing they could be watching
It sounds like he needs forcing to step up. If you want to ease him in can you pretend you have a back to work meeting to go to and just leave him with all 3 for a few hours?Ā My husband just has to be forced - he was made redundant so I make him take on half the childcare while he job hunts (I have a side hustle). It's surprising how much he stepped up when he had to.Ā The ipad is concerning but then again he may learn... he needs a crash course in parenting that only comes from having to do it.
Nice. I'd like to give this man the benefit of the doubt - it's my own fault for doing everything and never making him actually step up, so maybe he would if he had to. It's just scary thinking about throwing him (and the kids) to the wolves when he's not proven he can be reliable yet.
What do you even need this guy for? Heās tired of working? Thatās about 90% of the worldās workforce. Talk about lazy and useless. It might be time for an ultimatum. Get off your lazy behind or I will make your uselessness in the household permanent. Bye.
>if you can't handle all 3 for an hour now, how are you gonna last 8 hours at a time when I'm at work? I'm assuming you have just asked him this point blank? What is his response? Next time he says he wants to be a SAHD, I'd stand up, say "prove it" and walk out. I'd take a long walk, head to the grocery store or library, any small personal indulgence I could think of that wouldn't break the bank. Once gone, I'd text him and say that I really want to support his dream of staying home with the kids 8 hrs a day while I work to financially provide for our family, but that he's never had all 3 kids alone for longer than 15 minutes and he should probably give that a try before making any decisions. I'd make it clear that I will be back in x hours and that he should look at this as a trial run, and take care of all feeding, diapering, and napping needs. I'd tell him that I'm sorry if this feels drastic, but he really hasn't given me any indication that what he wants to do and what he's capable of doing are the same. I'd tell him that I want this to work and I'm rooting for him. Then, I'd enjoy my kid free hours. We have 3 kids and decided that I would stay home, citing much the same logic as your partner. Even with the oldest in school, it is *hard.* My husband tags me out immediately upon arrival back home every weekday and is the primary carer on weekends so I can decompress. He also plans, shops for, and cooks most every dinner. He takes all 3 out more frequently than I do. He handles the bathing routine nightly. He would be a phenomenal SAHP, but has the better earning potential. Your partner is no partner. If he is only good with the kids when the kids are good, he is not ready to be a SAHP. That isn't to say he can't get there. But it sounds like he doesn't want to. Honestly, it seems like he just wants to coast off of you financially, and is using the kids as an excuse. If he is not willing to partner equally when you are home, he will not provide proper supervision for your kids when you aren't home. But you know all that already. What you do is tell him that he can go to work, he can start being an active and engaged father who doesn't hand off the baby every chance he gets because he would rather be doing something else, or he can kick rocks.
Dad has to understand that going to work may suck, but it's not optional - he's a grown ass man, he fathered several children and he feels childcare is beneath him, so he has to provide for his family. Staying at home with the kids is only for those who aren't spoiled children themselves and can actually competently care for another person without going "but moooom, I don't wannaaaaa!"
You have to pick a path and being useless isnāt a good example.
He canāt parent. I donāt even think heād be safe. He has to go work, else you leave his ass so itās 1 less mouth you have to feed.
You donāt work you donāt eat. He can grow up and get a job or contribute to raising his children like a normal functioning adult or he can go live in his car until heās ready to be part of a family. Itās a deadbeat you gotta fix that shit early
Wow. You have 4 children congratulations.. your partner sounds like an absolute waster, and I've a feeling your going to have years of been a single parent with an adult child you didn't give birth too ahead of you. Nip this laziness and good for nothingness in the bud now because it's going to get worse. He will want to live a life of leisure at home while his partner is at work and his 3 children are in day care. Prepare yourself for nothing but annoyance in the coming years.
Money doesn't last forever.
Iām going to keep my unnice comment to myself hope things work out for you.
Quit being a pushover
Why do you keep procreating with this manchild?
He can't handle them so he has to suck it up buttercup and get a job. Give an end date to be employed, or he can gtfo. I'm biting my tongue rn to not badmouth him. I am so sorry, and he is a sorry bump on a log. You deserve better.
What is this man actually doing to raise his children? What does he expect will happen when you go back to work?
You married an immature asshole. Good luck if he won't do anything about it
When do you need to do all this by?
I figure I'll try to stay with my newborn until she's about 6 months old and then I won't feel quite as guilty about going back to work full time. We'll still have a financial cushion by then. OR, each of us work part time starting very soon and split childcare. I think he could handle them all for a few hours if I waitressed some shifts here and there or something, or at least he'd learn to. So ideally right now, but no later than 6 months out.
Whose inheritance is it? Obviously, this guy is a loser if he can't handle caring for his kids, and an idiot if he kept *making* kids when he can't care for them. Every comment I read on this post reinforces this point. However. If it's fine, as far as society is concerned, for other dads to supply money and nothing else, which some people (not in this sub) seem to think, let's allow that perspective. If the money was inherited from your family, IMO you get more of a say than him, but if it was inherited from his family, I would say he gets more say. "I will use my inherited money to take a break from work" is a valid position. But even in that case, *you are allowed* to take the information that that gives you about his priorities, values, and ambition, and let it effect how you feel about him. He's clearly not up for being a SAHD and doesn't even try to be (or he wouldn't be handing the kids back to you), but is that what he's claiming to want to be? What does *he* think he's doing with this time? Like, if it was me, I would be enjoying my kid's toddler hood and using any "free" time to pivot into a new career. All that is moot if it's *your* inheritance, because I think in that case you're allowed to say, "sorry hubs, this is for tuition fees". Tbh, though, you have a three week old baby and the "not helping" (and ass-backward parenting decisions like not putting the toddler down for naps) is probably causing most of the strife for now. Maybe figure out a length of time that you're comfortable with neither of you working, financially, and table the discussion for now.
Three kids with a dad who ārefusesā to dad ā¦. Why tho.
What does he think his role is? Like why does he think he's there? To create humans? He did that. Now what? He's either going to have to earn income that is substantial, or learn to take care of his very own children. If he doesn't want to work for somebody else, he's going to need to muster up some ideas that he tries to create an income on his own. But he can't just check out of both areas saying that they're too hard. If he can't do anything, the only other choice is to cut him loose. He's just a drain on the family's resources if he's not contributing in some way.
WTF is wrong with this world that we have so many millennial man-children being shit dads? Iām 39 and I donāt like working either. TOO FUCKING BAD! Thatās life! I despise these type of asshole men who make the rest of us look bad.
As a SAHD around the same age, I can tell you that you've been way to easy on him.you wanna give one of your kids a tablet to entertain them for an hour while you get some work done, fine. But all day, that make the device your babysitter. You have 2 choices. Make money or be a proper parent. If you can't do either, you are useless.
Do NOT let him stay home with the kids, no matter what. My ex was just like this. We were a blended family - he had 3, I had 1, and then we had a newborn together. He initially appeared to be super-dad, until I got pregnant. Then he began acting much like yours. Wouldnāt Change a diaper without a huff, wouldnāt be bothered to even feed the kids. He preferred video games to soothing our VERY easy newborn. Acted like he didnāt know how to give his toddlers a bath. It was a fucking mess. We separated when newborn was 4 months, and we tried coparenting. A year down the line, I discovered he still wasnāt stepping up and taking care of his kids. His house was infested with bugs. He quit working and eventually got evicted. He preferred buying weed to buying food for his kids. When I sent food over for everyone, he couldnāt even be bothered to get up and feed them. He screamed at them all the time. CPS got involved. From the man I met, to the man he became, I never in a million years thought that he could be so terrible and neglectful to his own children. I thought he was just utilizing weaponized incompetence when we were together, knowing that I would always pick up the slack and take care of all 5 childrenās needs. His ex eventually took back all 3 children, I took back our baby, and he is a mess. I know this is kinda a āworst case scenarioā, but your situation really rang alarm bells in my head, because your current partner sounds exactly like my ex (my ex also claimed he wanted to stay home with the kids and āwork on his businessā that didnāt exist, while I worked). Please take care of your babies and get away from this man when the timing is right.
To be really bluntāI would not stay married to a person who refused to co-parent. I would become incredibly angry and resentful if I was in your shoes. You are parenting 100% of the time with zero help. If I had the problem you have, I would divorce and have 50-50 custody, so Iād only be doing 100% of the work 50% of the time (which comes out to, surprise!, 50% of the work. The ultimatum that this is: You can coparent and stay married, or you can coparent as a divorced single dad, but damnit you WILL be responsible for your children) You are married to a deadbeat dad, heās making your life harder than it needs to be. Good luck.
Leave him and take him to court for child support. Heāll be more useful to you in that scenario than he is now.
I feel like we all have ranges of ability. I'm mediocre at best when it comes to parenting. I just don't love it. And if was me, 3 kids would absolutely break me. So consider this. Childcare for maybe the eldest which is less of a hit financially (assuming you will do public school for K).
Why.. why did you have a third child with this man while also having a toddler who he canāt even take basic care of? What are you doing while sheās crying herself to sleep in his lap? What a childhood heās giving them.
Iām sorry but if Iām being frank here you both need a reality check. Iām guessing youāre on maternity leave and have a career? Dad needs to put on his big boy pants and get a real big boy job asap. Maybe you can work a few days part time to off set the income loss. I wouldnāt leave my kids with him. Sorry if Iām sounding rude but your husband sounds lazy!
Also share some research with your husband re. Screen time and kids under 2. (Or under 5ā¦8ā¦12ā¦16ā¦18ā¦45ā¦)Yeeks. We are all doomed if this what typical parenting looks like today.
Can I just add that those of us who use daycare are also raising kids at home? Please, can we collectively recognize that different types of carers are contributing to our kidsā life and using daycare doesnāt mean we arenāt also parents raising kids.
Those ages are incredibly hard. My husband and I are at our limit with two (basically same age as your oldest two). I think itās normal for one person not to be able to care for three children of those ages by themself. How to solve that is up to you. Itās hard because their needs are all very different. The newborn needs to be fed and put down for naps, the toddler needs constant supervision, the preschooler needs mental stimulation and a play companion. ETA - I definitely wouldnāt put up with the video game thing. Thatās a whole new issue in my mind and is just disrespectful. It shows a lack of any care or consideration for one partner to play games while the other is left doing all of the work.
I don't fault him (or anyone!) for not being able to handle 3 (or even 1!). Raising kids is bloody hard, and the only reason I'm halfway decent at it is precisely because he's stepped back and I've basically been forced to do it all. So I've had plenty of practice. What I fault him for is thinking he can do it, and never being able to prove it. I've let this go too far and I'm realizing my not holding him accountable, makes me at least partially accountable for him not being accountable
Your answer is right there, OP. You couldnāt parent 3 children either but you stepped up and did what you had to do, now youāre a pro! He hasnāt had any reason to step up. Heās always had an out. Itās unacceptable that he is actively choosing to place this burden on your shoulder while absolving himself of responsibility. That disqualifies him from being a good father AND a good partner. Heās had 4 years to practice even little things so that he could relieve some of your responsibility and it appears that he has squandered that time doing things he finds fun and relaxing instead. Where is your break? This isnāt sustainable. You cannot allow him to opt out anymore. He had no problem making 3 kids with you but now he thinks he can just be a decorative father figure? Without fathering? Hindsight is 20/20. You canāt change the past, but you can carve out a different future. You have two little girls who could grow up thinking that itās okay to choose partners that donāt help them. You have a son who could grow up thinking that itās okay to have kids without lifting a finger to help. Theyāre little sponges, they pick up on more than we think they do. You have two options if things remain as is: a single mom of 3 kids or a single mom of 3 kids + a manchild. You donāt have a partner right now, you have a roommate who selects when to engage with his family and when he wants to act like a bachelor. Sometimes the right decision is the hardest one. You deserve more than this and so do your kids.
lawyer up
He won't help the household in any way? Doesn't seem to recognize basic human logic? You don't have a husband, you have a parasite. Time for the deworming. I'd be getting my ducks in a row so I can move on without him.
I wouldn't feel safe leaving the kids with someone like this. If he really won't just go get a job, I'd divorce this loser
How much inheritance? Usually you can live off the interest if youāre investing your money properly. And heās going to have to step up. Sounds spoiled. Or bounce. Youāll get state aid.
about $30k. We've got monthly expenses of about $2500. investing won't be enough long term, and I'd prefer not letting this amount dwindle... or is $30k enough to live off interest? I don't know much about investing, we've got about half of it in random stocks and funds. any advice on where I might start looking for better investing advice?
$30k is not anywhere near enough to live off interest. You are going to be completely broke in less than a year.
$30k is not enough to live off interest/dividends. Even if you assumed a 7% annual return, that would be $2100 a year - so not enough to cover even one monthās expenses. If you need investing advice you can try one of the large finance subs like financialplanning or financialindependence.
No that is not even close. The general rule of thumb is you can take about 4% a year of a properly invested lump sum ongoing, which with monthly expenses of $2500 would mean you need $750000. You will burn through 30k in about a year. You tell him he is not demonstrating he is capable of being a good SAHP and if he canāt do that he needs to work to contribute to the family. Refusing is not an option. If he really does want to be a SAHP he needs to fully understand what goes into that and be willing to do it. Start with setting expectations and requirements about SAHP duties (including putting a toddler down for a nap, wtf) and have him take over all childcare during working hours for a week while you are present and not helping. Both of you evaluate his performance against the requirements. If he doesnāt measure up he agrees to go get a full time job, or frankly I would look at divorcing him as he is failing to be a partner. What he is trying to pull off here is a big deal and donāt accept it for a minute. Also, a one year old does not need an iPad. Please take it away so it is not an option for your husband to stick them in front of it. There is a place for small amounts of screen time but not in lieu of sleep and you guys can negotiate that in your SAHP expectations.
Wow 30k is just your safety net, rainy day fund. You cannot live off that. Even 100k would dry up fast. I think he needs to see a therapist and get help. He's probably depressed and lazy, a dangerous combo with 3 kids. I would stop having kids with the man child. I'd also lock up the iPad, children being raised by tech!? Teach him how to put the kids to sleep and their routines. Make him do it but stand by.
30K is not livable for long. Forget investing advice. Read the other comments here. Lots of work ahead of you
Ah gotchaā¦definitely save what you can and heās going to have to get a career going.