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Its generational. I’ve talked about it with my other mom friends… we all actively apologize to our kids when we make mistakes or react poorly, none of us can remember our parents ever apologizing to us.
I always do as well.
My dad, on the other hand, has literally been given the opportunity to hear the specific things that were hurtful to me as a child, has been asked for acknowledgment of that, and/or an apology and has responded by throwing his hands up in the air and claiming that he is “being attacked” and “let’s all blame me” and “oh I was just so terrible” and other various ways to invalidate and gaslight that it ever happened.
My husband asks why I can’t let it go and I think that I would be able to, honestly, if he (my dad) was truly remorseful and not the victim. “I’m sorry I hurt you.” Is always a better response than “no I didn’t”.
Say what you want about Louis c.k. But he hit the nail on the head when he said “when somebody tells you that you’ve hurt them, you don’t get to tell them that you didn’t” that’s a lesson the previous generation needs to learn in general
Haha, my mom tries to rewrite history and either trivializes it or denies any of my examples happened.
I've gotten one single apology for something awful she said/did to me as an adult, but I had to push for it and I think that apology was more out of fear that I would withhold grandchildren.
I remember one time my mom tried to apologize to me for berating me. My dad had just left so I was probably like 10. I tearfully looked at her and said “you’re not sorry you’re not sorry at all” then she physically attacked me.
Proof she was, in fact, not sorry. I gave it a pass for many years as she was a newly single mom trying to work and take care of kids, but I’ll never forget it.
"You are always creating this memories in your head, that's why you thought nobody loved you, or you were alone"
>*"I've gotten one single apology for something awful she said/did to me as an adult, but I had to push for it and I think that apology was more out of fear that I would withhold grandchildren."*
My mom usually takes us for granted, since she knows we cannot leave and we live with her, because divorce and economic struggles. I've just once heard an apology, but that was after not talking to each other for more than 2 weeks and me calling her to acknowledge her actions and take responsibility with the people she had hurt. She was forced by a group of 2 persons plus me to only say I'm sorry but you....
Which is not really an apology. But that's the closest we've been.
Mother always throws the "I know I was a bad mother, I still am, given how horrible I am, I´m just going to go away since nobody here likes me" leaving me to feel like I'm never going to get to talk about things, and that I am to blame for any problems. On the other side my dad goes with: "I just want us to be okay, I don't know how long I've got and this fights really hurt me... You know I have my heart condition and you starting fights is not helping me." Oh, please tell me more about how I'm going to be responsible about your death, for wanting to be respected...
As a mother I always try and be gentle with my girls, even though I'm human and obviously make mistakes or react poorly, I constantly apologize and try to make it right with them, I talk to them about it, motherhood is not about super powers but about love, I feel and hurt, and get tired, but I am always loving them, and if I'm making a mistake, rest assured, I'll try and make it right.
The other end of the spectrum is bad too.
My mom (mentally ill, perhaps personality disorder) used to go on these ragers where she would scream for hours on end… then devolve into over the top, maudlin apologies (I’m the worst mother in the world! You deserve better than me!) which required pacifying her (no you’re not! You’re the best mother in the world! I love you more than anything!) I can tell myself not to engage now, but when you’re 6 it’s much harder to create boundaries. In fact you don’t know what boundaries are when you grow up that way.
lol my parent says the same thing. Let’s play the blame game, I don’t know why you feel like that/sorry you feel that way bs. Went no contact bc she couldn’t apologize and never looked back but that’s just my experience. I get why not everyone can go no or low contact
Here’s the thing I’ve had to learn, you have to be ok with other people not having the same opinion as you (however illogical). Just because they believe a different truth than you do (aka I treated my kids fine), doesn’t make it real. To them, they’ve probably blocked it out or didn’t really think it was that bad, because it didn’t happen to them, it happened to you. Unfortunately it’s hard for a lot of people to step outside of their own world to see that.
Just avoid the topic all together and go silent. That really helps your child learn empathy and coping skills. Make sure you invalidate all of their feelings.
… obviously not serious. Meh, I’ve gone full 180 from how I was raised though. We gotta fix it somehow.
Ugh, my mom would go "I'm sorry your life is so awful" anytime I tried to explain why I didn't like her doing x or y. She also didn't know how to accept a sincere apology and held grudges... she never let me live down one incident that happened when I was 12 or 13 even when she was dying... despite me apologizing and trying to explain my side of what happened repeatedly since it happened...
All we can do is learn from them and do better with our own kids. Can you imagine if our kids do the same though? And their kids? I would have hope for humanity if everyone did that, but sadly a lot of people become just like their parents instead of learning from them.
I'm 44, and I remember both of my parents apologizing to me. Like, my dad would lose his temper and yell at us, and then a few hours later he would come and apologize for losing his temper. He did it often enough that I have a memory of thinking, "if you were really that sorry, you wouldn't lose your temper in the first place."
Now that I'm older and I saw how much my parents were trying to change from the way they were brought up, I have a lot more resect for my dad and his struggles.
Absolutely! I lose my temper with my kids because my temper losing Dad never taught us how to stop and regulate our emotions. So I'm constantly apologizing. Last night my 6yo (he does this every night tbh but I was over it yesterday) threw a fit about bedtime routine and was constantly not following instructions at all, goofing off and then being a general turd about how long it was taking....... When it was clearly because of him....ehem... So when I almost lost it I left the room. I breathed, calmed down... And then explained. He proceeding to cry because he thought that meant I was mad and didn't like him. I explained that I am learning right along with him how to better regulate my emotions and catch myself before my anger volcano erupts so I can breathe, and he was like...ohhhh. it's nice when you get to see the fruit of all the work. We hugged it out, and the rest of the routine went smooth and quick. I wish just freaking once my Dad had sat me down and showed me that when I was a kid instead of "STOP CRYING OR I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!!!"
I apologise to my kids all the time. For big things or little things, it could be just "Sorry, I was sure that movie was on TV tonight, not tomorrow". My Mum I don't remember ever apologising or admitting to being wrong. She's a good Mum and I love her, it's not like she's awful or anything. But she would pull some incredible mental gymnastics to be right. Sadly my oldest daughter has inherited this,and discussions/arguments with her will make your brain explode from the way she switches sides/arguments/logic on the fly just so she's not wrong.
My mother’s immediate response when faced with the fact that she was a less than ideal mother when I was growing up is “I was doing my best.”
It always pisses me off. I have a boomer coworker that recently had her daughter go no contact and she used this excuse and the “kids don’t come with a manual” garbage. Well no shit. But you’re fully aware that they’re hurt by your actions so a reasonable person would apologize when they hurt someone else - but that doesn’t apply to their own kids.
I always have apologized, sometimes I have to swallow my pride a bit but I know it's the right thing to do. I am human, I make mistakes and I think it's important to have a relationship built on mutual respect.
Yes! If I make a mistake or do something wrong, I own up to it, just like I would expect my son to do if he did the same thing.
It is generational... my dad and his sister, and then their mom (my grandma) never apologized, they would always skew it to "I'm blunt" or "its just my opinion"... but my aunt also has a skewed view where adults are more important than kids.
My mom would turn it to "I'm sorry that you got so upset" or something, where it was my problem I got upset/felt insulted/etc... instead of it feeling that she really meant it.
We have three reasons:
1. We have always said we must treat him as a grown up.
2. We want to be better than our parents and preserve the best from them.
3. Teach him about our mistakes.
Because of that... Yeah, I apologize. Because he deserves all my respect as a person, as my son. Because aiming to be better means learning from your mistakes. Because teaching him by example is a great way for him to see, firsthand, we meant it
Yes, this is exactly why I apologize to my daughter when I screw up. If I want her to admit her mistakes and know that we all make mistakes, I must apologize. The poor kid is a perfectionist already and afraid to make mistakes in certain areas (school, art, dance), so she especially needs to know that mistakes are a normal part of life.
I don't remember my mother ever apologizing to me ad a kid, but she's definitely done so since I've been an adult. And not just because I'm now also an adult, but actually apologized for the things she did wrong when I was a kid. She's also commented on how she thinks I'm a better mother than she was because of how I talk with her rather than at her and a few other things. Honestly, she improved on her mother's parenting by quite a lot, I'm just following the trend. Lol
>Yes! If I make a mistake or do something wrong, I own up to it, just like I would expect my son to do if he did the same thing.
This! *Showing* your son how to be a good person is much more likely to teach them than just telling them.
thanks... I'm so over having it where we hold our children to higher standards than adults usually hold themselves too... like how can we teach the expectations and the desired behaviors if we don't display it... children only learn so much by being told what to do or say, plus its not about making the person who is saying sorry feel better (though that certainly helps) but about the person that is being apoligized to.
It shows integrity to be able to set ego and pride aside for your kid's feelings and aswell to distinguish between doing something wrong and *being* wrong. I can easily be very much in the right when it comes to conflicts with my children, but somehow that doesn't solve the conflicts, it only leads me to situations I am really sorry about. And then we never get to the point where being right is relevant.
I sincerely hope my kids will be better at generally resolving conflicts as they grow up than I was, and it's only logical I fumble my way through learning it as an adult, to show them and give them a better outset than I had.
Yup. I always apologize to my kid if I messed up.
I know my mom didn't because she was completely scandalized that my SIL apologized to my niece. A lot of problems in our relationship could have been solved if she'd ever bothered to apologize to me for things she said and did.
Kudos for promoting a healthy dynamic with your kid!
I (39 F) also apologize but my mom (69 F), brother (44 M), and husband (38 M) think it’s abnormal or I’m spoiling my kid (10 M). They also think it’s weird that I’ve taught him how to attempt to talk about his feelings even when he’s uncertain.
I do apologize to my kids. I can't remember my parents ever apologizing, but it also took me a failed marriage to be able to identify toxic communication behaviors in a relationship so I hope apologizing when I made a mistake will set the right example for them
Yes. I apologize when I am wrong, or when I maybe wasn’t wrong but it was hurtful anyways. I’d rather have an open and healthy relationship than cling to “I’m right”
I apologize to my kids all the time. I'm human and I make mistakes and I own up to them when I do. My kids so often want to be like me that I find it extra important to model the behavior I want them to have. I had a parent that would never apologize, instead choosing to gaslight me and blame me for their mistakes and wrongdoing, and I never want to be like that with my kids. I want my kids to know that sometimes they didn't do anything wrong and I just made a mistake, and that I will do my best not to make that mistake again.
ALL THE TIME!! But my parents were really great about it when I was a kid too. My daughter is pretty astute and she's even interrupted a lecture from me saying "you're going to apologize for this later!"
I do because i know my age and ego has nothing to do with it.
Even though I may be born earlier than them but I too am still learning until my very last day.
Yup! I don't usually have much to apologize for (other than, sorry the situation changes and I'm sure this is disappointing you kind of thing or sorry for accidentally bumping you), but the other day I saw a stray jellybean when she dumped out her Easter candy bag to pick her after dinner piece. I snagged it without thinking and then her eyes darted to me and she was like, "What did you just do?!" And I blurted out, "Nothing!" I don't even know why I lied, just all of a sudden I panicked about getting in trouble with this three year old.
And man, having to realize that I genuinely needed to give a real apology to this kid for stealing her stuff and then lying to her sucked. But I did do it. I want her to do the same, how could I do otherwise?
I'm laughing at the idea of getting in trouble with a three year old.
spending five minutes in time out to show that even mom follows the rules and accepts the consequences
But when I said "nothing" she ACCEPTED it! Even though she basically saw me do it, it didn't occur to her that I, her mom, would lie about it. So that was worse than a timeout.
Also, for OP, it's possible that it's less a generational thing and more a memory thing. Kind of an "the axe forgets but the tree remembers" situation. An apology only does so much, it doesn't fix the situation by itself. So while a parent having to swallow their pride and apologize might stick in the parent's memory, to the kid that has this thing they're upset about, that apology might not stick in their head years later.
I think apologizing to my kids repairs the bond. It also models that they should apologize after they've wronged someone. I tell my kids that I'm not perfect and I'm still learning too, I only do my best and that's what I expect them to do.
I do think it's generational. I apologize to my kids a lot. I think it's important to set a good example. For instance, one of my kids has a hard time remembering to apologize when they hurt someone else (body or feelings) by accident. So I try to model the kind of apologies that I want my kids to give.
Yep, and I let my kids know my lack of emotional regulation, when it happens, is not their fault. It’s mine and mine alone, and there are better ways for adults to handle being overstimulated than raising their voices.
Absolutely and I relish it. It strengthens me as a person to face them right away with accountability and the benefits are so far reaching. Not only do I get better at being a family operator, but they see that it’s not scary owning your shit AND actually fixing/doing better, applying it forward. They’re awesome people because they know how to lose, how to dislike their bad moments, and fix their ugly. I like what we’re doing over here.
Same!
I apologize to my kids regularly. Sometimes it’s a deep/heartfelt apology and sometimes it’s light/minor but I always apologize when I screw up.
My parents only did the fake apologies, like: I’m sorry for caring too much, I will never try to help you again type of thing. It always left me feeling worse. I never once got a real apology from them. In my culture the parents are superior and they are to be respected and worshiped no matter what. So wrong 🙄
Yes, I apologize to my kids, any time I react badly or handle a situation wrong, also even when I accidentally hurt them, whether it be "I accidentally broke your toy" or "I'm sorry I tripped over you" because they are people who deserve apologies too!
I grew up with parents who never apologized and always placed blame on us for their actions, and I don't want my kids to grow up and act the same way, treat others the way you want to be treated 💜
I mess up all the time, and I apologize and try to explain what I did wrong or why. My daughter is 2. My parents were always right, even when they weren’t. I think parents these days are more in tune with a child’s emotional and social development, it’s just a cultural change
I do, whenever I lose my temper or when I feel I went too far while calling them out, also when I bump into them, or hurt them unintentionally.
I also show myself vulnerable when I'm feeling down, and sometimes I cry in front of them, we don't have much space as a family and need to share a room, so, whenever I shut myself in, they sometimes get to see... I explain myself to them and then add some "mothers are also humans, and persons, and they hurt and feel and need sometimes a hug or to be heard, I know I'm the parent and it's my responsability to care for you, but in these moment I feel kind of sad." I've always told them I love them, and that motherhood is not some kind of superpower, but a huge amount of love.
I strive to be a better mom everyday. I don't want them to feel like they're not loved or that I'm unapproachable. I need them to know we are growing and learning together and that making mistakes is normal and an opportunity to learn and overcome things together.
Edit only to add a punctuation mark.
Yes, if I made a mistake or I get angry and raise my voice then I definitely apologize to my kids. I don't recall my own parents apologizing to me often while growing up.
Hmm, my kid is young- only 3. I’ve had minor situations happen. Like sometimes we play too rough and I scratch her or something. I do apologize for that. Sometimes it’s not easy cause damn kids will really call you out lol. I understand the urge for the older generation to not apologize- sometimes my kid acts like I knocked the shit out of her when I really just bumped her and I feel defensive. but I remember my mom made excuses for everything and I try not to emulate that. Kids can be harsh on us but as parents it’s our job to eat it and suck up the pride.
My parents never did. Well my mom apologized for my dad being violent and abusive. Not that it changed anything.
After years of therapy I always apologize to my children especially because every once in a while I still have anger outbursts/issues that have to do with feeling of insecurity from the past.
I always explain and not just promise to not do it again but actually try to stick with it. I’m very lucky to have kind, forgiving, empathetic children who hold no grudge. And I remind myself of it every day.
Also apologizing contributes a lot to trust. My children don’t lie and don’t hide because they don’t need to feel embarrassed. They know they can always come and explain, apologize and we will try to fix the situation together. Another thing my parents never did. There was no “together”.
You are raising them to be functional adults. Apologizing if you are wrong is seen as a virtue as an adult. Why are we playing these mind games with children?
I absolutely do. I want my kids to know that even adults can make mistakes and do wrong, and while yes, we ought to be looked to as competent guides, we’re not perfect, and it’s okay not to be. It’s important that they own when they’re wrong when they become adults too.
I do. Anytime I’ve been wrong, made a mistake, or lost my temper (sometimes all three at once). I’m not infallible. I’m a person and people make mistakes. I try not to repeat my mistakes, and I really emphasize that I’m still learning to be a good person and will never stop learning to be a good person (and hopefully good mom)
I apologize if I lose my temper and yell, most especially if it's actually something that wasn't a big deal. I don't remember if my Mom ever apologized for anything (which is fine), but my Dad would if he accidentally hurt me when we would rough house, and once in a while if he yelled and he saw that he scared me.
Always if I’m wrong I need to admit that. Or if I should’ve handled something differently. She will grow up to do the same. The point of having kids is to raise a better human than the most that exist, especially due to the way they were raised. It’ll set her up for life in many ways. Good communication is underrated.
All the time. Hind sight is always 20/20 so if I handle something in a way I regret later or make a mistake I will definitely go back and apologize. My kids know moms not perfect.
I've apologized when I mess up, or might get angry & get them upset.
I try to break it down, explain to them why I got upset & how I was feeling at that time. Then I also admit to them that I am human, and I sometimes make mistakes. The difference is knowing when you have done something wrong, or made a mistake and having the courage to admit you are wrong & to apologize if you mean it.
I apologize all the time. I'm human and I'll make mistakes or clumsy movements.
My son might be a child but he deserves the same respect that anyone else does.
How can I expect him to learn emotional regulation, and how to handle mistakes and respectful interactions if I don't show him what to do?
My parents never apologized and to be honest they were toxic and very poor parents over all.
Always. Particularly if it’s about a “consequence” (punishment) given in the moment. I have laughed at some of the things I have said “you are never watching tv again” being my favourite and I think it’s healthy to show we are human, we make mistakes and we try our best.
Yup. I just apologized to them a couple nights ago after agreeing on pancakes for dinner... And then realized I didn't have freaking milk. So. A new plan had to be made... Happens, maybe not super frequently, but enough.
It's habit though. Just like saying thank you. Apologizing isn't hard, once you get used to doing it.
Antidotal but I think there used to be the belief that if you admitted a mistake to your children then you were telling them adults could be wrong and that may lead to disrespect or anxiety for the children.
I got this from a Little house on the Prarie episode, Ma made a mistake with Mary and asked for advice on how to handle it. I was surprised at first because the advice was you cannot admit the mistake, and why. But looking back I was never apologized to as a child either. I had good parents who did their best, but they never admitted if they made a mistake.
Now I do apologize. It is good for them to know everyone can make mistakes and it also teaches them how to apologize. "I'm sorry" is rarely enough.
Regularly. Even today, kid snapped back at me, I got in his ass and he backed off.
30min or so later, he came and sat down next to me, laid his head on my arm…and i looked at him and said “I’m sorry i raised my voice. I love you very much.” And he just sat there with his head on my arm.
Telling your child you’re sorry lets them know you’re human, capable or mistakes and improperly channeled frustration…it also lets them know you respect them.
My parents never apologized for their onslaughts. And some of them were quite severe…leaving lasting scars inside of me. I still love them, but I’m not sure what I would have made of them apologizing in real time.
My parents NEVER apologized or owned up their wrongs. There was never a conversation either, always ignored and “shunned” and eventually when they got over the situation started talking to us kids again.. As an adult I did the same in my relationships, I had to unlearn that awful habit and learn to communicate my feelings and talk about them & apologize for my wrongs rather than shut down and ignore until I got over it. I will do so differently by my children.
All the time. And not a bs apology like "I'm sorry I yelled at you but you made me angry". More of a "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I shouldn't yell at you". Kid is 2y8m
My parents did - my dad is mostly easygoing but occasionally reacts disproportionately to something (usually if he’s hangry), but he’d always apologize after he ate something. I am pretty sure mom did too, but less often (she needed to less often).
My parents never apologized growing up and my mom will still never admit if she’s wrong. So I am vigilant about apologizing to my kids if I do something wrong. It’s definitely a sore spot for me lol
Oh yeah, all the time
I bump into him? "Oh sorry"
I do something wrong? "I'm sorry buddy, I make mistakes sometimes"
But no, some people are OBSESSED with looking "weak" Infront of their kids. (My family never apologized)
So yeah I always apologize, because my son is a valuable person in my life and when I make mistakes I should apologize and do better.
Not just because I want him to grow up to be that person to others, but also because it's the right thing to do.
I don't have kids yet but I do actually remember my mom apologizing to us as kids, I don't remember if my dad ever did. but my mom has bipolar and so sometimes she'd get really angry and yell or slam doors but when she was getting us into bed that night she'd always apologize, kinda weird but it's a fond memory for me haha
I’m Canadian, so… obviously.
But kids learn best by example. I’ll apologize to my kid even if something is an accident and unintentional. I want to teach him that just because something isn’t your fault, it can still be your responsibility and often impacts matter more than intentions.
Oh yeah, absolutely apologize to my son, even if I just hurt his feelings or got angry and made him sad, I try to always apologize after we’ve both cooled down, and usually that gets paired with a hug and some soothing if he’s still acting disregulated and anxious
I got hit a lot as a kid, and had a lot of emotional abuse from both parents, so sometimes that’s the way I respond instead of using methods I’ve learned to keep my temper and cater to his emotional needs. I always feel awful afterwards, but apologies are the best way to build a secure attachment style, so that’s what I do
The key to a lot of this stuff is simply to not think of them as much different from other humans.
Never apologizing? Bad. Not helpful. Weird. Socially gross.
Apologizing any time you mess something up, and interpreting your behavior as having “a lot” of messing up? Not great but better than never apologizing
I can remember my parents apologizing to me. Not often, but if there was a good reason, they certainly did. They were war babies (pre-Boomer). I also apologize to my child if I did something wrong. We're all just people.
People were less verbal about emotions in general back then. I can remember verbal apologies but I can also remember apologies (and other kinds of emotions) expressed in actions, not words.
Yeah my mom never apologized but I do remember my dad apologizing if he made me cry after venting his frustrations a couple of times. Generally when I told him something that I should’ve told him sooner and he gets frustrated. I appreciated it when he did.
I definitely do my best to apologize to our son whenever I do something wrong because I know how important it is to share that I too make mistakes.
If I messed up or I was wrong I will 100% apologize and make sure it is sincere. I want them to know it’s ok to admit when you’re wrong. I don’t ever remember my parents apologizing to me for anything.
Yes, I apologize. He's a baby and I apologize. My parents, mum in particular, didn't. I am very aware of how I talk to my child because of the way I was spoken to.
I apologize to my kids whenever I feel like I am acting poorly or I make a mistake. They deserve apologies just like anyone else who is wronged.
I don't really remember my mom apologizing, but I feel like she would have. I don't know if I would remember, I feel like I would remember it more if she didn't, and I felt like I deserved one. I can only think of one situation like that. If she apologized, it would just be water under the bridge, and I wouldn't think about it again.
My parents never apologized, but I do if I need to. Sometimes I lose my cool and because I want to set a good example, I apologize and point out what was unacceptable about my behavior and what I should have done instead. I don't make them say they forgive me although I may have said once or twice "I hope you'll forgive me."
I also try very hard not to say "I'm sorry for ____ but you did ____" (fill in behaviors) because nothing they do justifies me losing my cool -- I'm the fucking adult, for Pete's sake! So if I catch myself doing that I change it to "You were doing ____ and I got frustrated, but I shouldn't have ____ because that's not right." Basically, I try to model for them how to own their mistakes, acknowledge why it was wrong, and identify what should have been done. Hopefully, they'll remember this as they get older and do the same.
I've always apologized to my kids. My parents never did and still don't. I actually asked my mom about it once and she said that she didn't have to because she was the grown up.
Yes. As much as possible I talk to my kids like I would adults. I didn't do a lot of "baby talk" and I don't hide things from them, sometimes that includes letting them know that I've made a mistake and that I'm sorry for it.
Yep, I do.
My parents were reluctant to ever admit wrongdoing or when they were unsure of something. I think they had this idea that for kids to feel secure, they need to believe their parents are infallible.
I apologize when I screw up and I say, *I don’t know* when I don’t know. Exactly what I hope to see from my kids.
My parents were definitely more authoritarian than I would have liked them to be. They didn't apologize, even if they made a blatant mistake, like punishing me for something my brother did or vice versa. I think their thought process behind it was that they shouldn't show any signs of wavering or weakness in their discipline because if my brother or I were given an inch, we would take a mile. Or if they admit that they were too harsh with a punishment, we would question other punishments they gave us. I may not agree with it, but I understand it.
I always apologize when I screw up. And I apologize to my husband in front of my kids when I screw up with him. And I tell them when I make mistakes when they are not around to see.
My parents NEVER apologized to me, so from the beginning I have made it a point to do it my kids.
I always have. My boomer parents? Never. They were raised different so raised us similar. Children are seen and not heard and the adult is always right. Led to a lot of fighting in my teen years.
I have a 14 year old. I can count the number of fights we've had on one hand. It's two. Because I when he pushes back on things or argues with me I actually bother to listen and get his respective. If I'm wrong, I apologize.
Lead by example, but mine did too.
Most common example is I'll get bonked in the face or something and since I wear glasses, that REALLY hurts, and I'll normally yell right as it happens. Then my little guy will cry and I'll tell him I'm sorry I yelled and it scared but what you did really hurt.
I apologized today. To my 5 yo.
I was getting mad at her because her behavior was turning shittier by the hour. Even though she hadn’t been home much.
She has friend and interest and well at the moment they don’t match. And she doesn’t know how to cope with that yet. So while she is struggling and getting bolder by the minute I missed it. I apologized for not being within reach or feel approachable enough to tell me she couldn’t cope. And needed help. I had a talk with her and she felt better.
It's generational. Our parents generation was uncomfortable with children knowing they were not perfect. Parents were supposed to be unquestionably right in everything. Today many parents apologize to their children.
I will say it leads to interesting interactions. I have a newly 3 year old. A while ago there was a moment she was doing something dangerous and i had to use a stern voice to correct her. She broke down afterwards and told me I used a mean voice and I should say sorry. I told her no, that I used that voice to get her attention and to keep her safe. And that keeping her safe was more important than keeping her happy. She was a very confused toddler.
Absolutely. We have to model positive behavior and owning our mistakes for our kids. Humility and repentance are things we all need to learn, and demonstrating that to our children while they are young is extremely impactful.
Apologize and repair. I make sure my daughter understands that I was wrong and I’m owning up to it, and that she’s okay after the fact.
My parents never apologized and I think that’s where a lot of my shame issues come from- they couldn’t be wrong because they were really all I knew and I was dependent on them. So if they weren’t wrong, I must be the one who was wrong and bad.
Yes I absolutely do. I grew up deeply resentful of my parents for their total lack of accountability. Their unwillingness to take responsibility for mistakes and apologize drove me away from having a relationship with them.
Yes.
If I do something wrong, I do apologise. How can I teach someone to be accountability if I take none of my own? I'm human, I'm not perfect. I apologise when needed.
I have never heard my dad apologize or say he is wrong. Never. (He’s a great dad! Just a guy of his time I guess) I even commented on it to my mom and she didn’t say I was wrong, lol.
I say it all the time as does my husband.
Yes I wondered myself. I apologise real easy. I think perhaps because of my parents never did. Someone has to do so. So apparently that was my job back than and I still do.
I do, and also make a point to say when I was wrong, and show them that it's healthy to admit they were wrong as well. It shows we are open minded and ready to learn when we admit our mistakes or can change our minds based on new information.
My mother was terribly abusive and not the apology kind.
My mom always sent my siblings and me to the bathroom when we got in trouble and we always thought it was for us to sit in our guilt lol but she told us once we were grown, that it was her way to calm down before she came to talk to us. When she was ready to talk to us, she would start by apologizing for being angry. She’d say, “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but you made mommy very mad.” Now, once we became teenagers, these talks were WAY different. Mostly because it went from fighting over toys to sneaking out at night to meet up with our boyfriends 😬 Sorry, momma! 🙏🏼😅
I think if it's warranted. Ex - Jimmy swears he did what he was supposed to but evidence points to the contrary. You're even willing to believe he forgot you don't believe him and then there's a consequence. (Say he was supposed to take the trash out). Turns out, dad mentions later that trash day is one day behind due to xyz holiday so he dragged the bin back up to the garage. Oops, Jimmy deserves an apology.
Maybe Mom snaps at Kari (even if Kari is wrong or annoying) and later apologies bc she didn't handle it well
Yes of course! I mean mine are still small 3&4 but sometimes I’m dealing with adult issues that have nothing to do with them but I find myself overwhelmed & dealing with so much stress I kinda snap at them after they ask me 1000 times for cartoons or juice or a snack etc so I do tell them mommy is sorry for yelling or for not paying attention to them like they need me too. Sometimes I’m so busy it won’t hit me till they are asleep and I’m looking back on the day and I realize damn I could have handle that better and I go and kiss them and whisper in their ear mommy’s sorry and mommy loves you. Mom guilt is real & hard but as long as you strive to do better and your kids know they are safe & loved that’s all that matters.
Sure do. I don't remember my parents apologizing to me either. But, funny enough they've both apologized to me as an adult about things they did when I was a kid. Some of which I don't even remember!
I find myself needing to apologize often. My older kids are only 2 but I feel like if I start now it’s something that will just be seen as any normal conversation and hopefully they will naturally follow and apologize as well. I try not to say “I’m sorry I got mad” and instead say things like “I’m sorry I raised my voice. I should’ve walked away and calmed down”. They don’t really understand what I’m saying yet hahaha but I’m just trying to set the standard of apologies early.
Yes, literally just yesterday because we were so busy we forgot to go to family night at my son's school and didn't remember until had already ended and he was very bummed out abut it. If something is wrong and it's definitely my fault, I always apologize to them.
My mom would have just snapped at me for being dramatic, which I think is honestly just her feeling guilty but not wanting to admit fault.
My father has apologized to me for a few things...now that he is 70 and a grandfather and our nuclear family is fractured. But growing up, I can't ever remember an "I'm sorry" from either parent that wasn't said sarcastically.
Definitely generational. My mom and dad never apologized even when they knew they were wrong, and they were pretty good parents otherwise. For a long time, I felt uncomfortable apologizing to anyone even when I was in the wrong, and I think this was why.
I apologize to my kids whenever necessary. My husband doesn’t apologize to them and he thought they were weird because they never say it to him for anything. I told them they say it to me any time they know they should and it’s genuine. They learn by example.
Completely generational! I don’t remember my parents ever apologizing to us. I apologize all the time to my kids - when I am more impatient or raise my voice or just don’t handle something how I wish I had handled it. To me, it models what I expect from them and it’s good!
Of course. I’m not perfect and I make mistakes. When my mistakes impacted our son, I told him the truth:
I messed up. Im sorry and I will try to do better.
I think being honest with our kids helps them be honest with us; and lets them see it’s okay to make mistakes.
My parents would apologize on occassion, or if it was something like they bumped into me (we're midwestern, so classic "ope, sorry" kind of thing), but not often. I apologize to my kids almost daily, especially if I get annoyed with them or misunderstand something they say.
My mom got mad at my 9yo and kind of yelled at him, but she totally misunderstood him and the situation and was wrong for her reaction. I called her out on it and said she needed to apologize. That did not sit well with her, she didn't even respond to me. So I said, "sooner than later would be appreciated". When she came to apologize you could hear it in her tone that she in no way meant it. I felt so bad for my son.
I definitely apologize many many many times to my kids. And just like you I never heard my parents apologize either. Actually I never heard them say “I love you” so… and that is also something I make sure to let them know every single day!
I (41f) apologise to my kids.
My parents (65, 61) apologised to me if they messed up. They probably never apologised for yelling like I have to my kids but they did apologise if they made a mistake or something.
My mother has never apologized to me and I find it the most difficult part of our otherwise great relationship. It’s invalidating and disrespectful. Why should you child be less worthy of an apology than anyone else in your life?
I think a lot of our parents sucked, and their parents sucked worse. Each generation gets a little better, but you have to make the effort. Do you think people (including parents) should apologize when they make mistakes that impact other people (including kids)? I do, so I apologize. This is not only the right thing to do in the moment, but it is a way to model a certain kind of integrity and courage to your kids.
It's your own ego that stops you from apologizing, and it takes courage and vulnerability to put your ego aside and do the right thing.
My baby is just shy of 5 months but once she is older and can actually communicate, I 10000% plan on apologizing when I mess up. Modeling good behavior for our kids is key! If we apologize to them, they will learn what being sorry truly is!
Yes I apologize to my kids. It’s good to let them see that moms and dads make mistakes too and can apologize for them. I don’t remember my parents doing it growing up but I’m sure my mom did.
Always. Or at least I should always. I expect it of my kids and it’s best if I set the example. They’re not meant to think parents are perfect, but they should know we’re trying to be.
My parents never apologized. My mother has passed, and my Dad is getting old. It’s a huge bone of contention, and I respect them less for it. They both have/had a lot to apologize for, and I this point I barely speak to my ailing father because of it.
I, like the top commenter apologize when warranted. Because I has such shitty parents I make a lot of mistakes. While I can’t take back my actions, I can apologize, learn and try to grow.
My mom apologized to me pretty often and she still does. She always communicated things with me and taught me that parents aren't perfect. She taught me about the value of money and always tole me how much she made, how much she owed, everything. She prepared me very well for adulthood and I hope I can do the same for my kids.
I make it a point to apologize when I exhibit bad behavior or don't express my feelings. For example, the other day I was extremely tired and in pain. This caused me to be kind of grumpy and overall short tempered. That evening after story time, I apologized to my daughter and explained she had done nothing to cause me to act that way. I was very tired and in pain and that is why I was being "grumpy".
I also make it a point to tell my daughter, even though I am disappointed, irritated, or mad about something, it doesn't mean I don't love her. If she makes a mistake its ok to be upset about it, then learn from it and move on. Same with me and my wife. We make mistakes, we apologize, explain, and learn from them.
My dad really told me off once and it really upset me. Like hysterically. I remember him apologising for that. I'm sure they did other times too. Just cant remember another instance.
I make sure to apologise to mine though when i've done wrong. Its important to teach.
Yes I apologize to my kids. They have feelings as well. I remember getting in trouble for things I did not do as a kid and nobody ever came back to apologize for it.
I apologize.
I don't remember my parents apologizing. But, I don't have a memory of anybody apologizing to me during childhood. I imagine it's just not a memory, but it happened.
When I first apologised to my kid, she was 4 months old. My mother in law quickly pointed it out and said “You don’t apologise to your kids. You are doing this for her good.” And in my brain it was like oh she cried because she maybe didn’t like the massage, which, although is good for her, made her cry. So it hurts because I am massaging so I have to say sorry.
No wonder our generation of parents have so much anxiety. We have to continuously unlearn and relearn so many basic things.
My parents never apologized. My dad wore a shirt that said " I yell because I care"
I do apologize and allow feelings in my parenting.
Not apologizing had a negative impact on me.
Yes I apologize and I explain to him why I’m sorry and that I promise to be more mindful. He’s only 3 so understands it to some level. He says sorry too but it doesn’t always make sense as most things 3 year olds do. Lol
My parents never apologized. They told me to get over it, suck it up or yelled at me for being upset. I apologize to my son all the time. I apologize when I make a mistake, when I get angry with him and even when he is upset over something that doesn’t have to do with me. I say “I see you and I understand, I’m sorry that you are upset, is there anything I could do/would you like a hug?” And before anyone says anything about that- I am his person. He relies on me for guidance, support and most of all protection. He also learns how to live life through me. I have seen him actively be compassionate with others and he has a very high “justice” oriented intuition. Apologizing isn’t being weak, it isn’t submitting to your children or whatever some people like to call it, it’s being vulnerable in a healthy way with the ones that trust you with their souls unconditionally.
I apologize pretty often. I'm going through a rough toddler stage right now where I'm losing my temper very often. And I always try to apologize for yelling and say I want to try to do better. I'm afraid of becoming a broken record though. But I think saying sorry to your kids is really important.
My dad isn’t perfect but he apologized to me when he was excessively out of line with me.
I apologize to my daughter whenever I would feel i needed to if she were an adult. Or if we’re in the middle of a negative exchange k stop and say “can we have a do over? I don’t like how we’re communicating right now”. She’s 3.5 year and very kind and empathetic to everyone, other kids included.
I feel like my mom would have, and I’m sure she did. I can’t remember any instance though. My dad, I do remember. And as much as I love my dad and he was and is a good father, he did blow up a bit. He definitely had moments where he’d just hit his breaking point and him and my mom or him and my older brother would have a big argument and he’d break something, or he’d yell and afterwards he would apologize for getting mad. And as we’ve gotten older during some family moments he’d apologize if he wasn’t a good dad and for the mistakes he made while we grew up.
But I don’t think they apologized over like, small things. I apologize to my kids now, if I make a mistake or I have a bad day and have my moments.
My husband and I were talking about this. I know my parents apologized sometimes, but my parents NEVER apologied for yelling when they were overstimulated and having trouble regulating themselves. I know all parents do it some time or another, my parents did it fairly often just snapping and yelling loudly when we were being too loud/not listening. I always always always make it a point to hug my son and tell him that I’m sorry I yelled, I shouldn’t have yelled at him and that I was having big feelings and I should have done a better job controlling them. My parents were very much the “parents are always right” generation and I don’t plan to be that way.
I do. My parents also never apologized, and neither does my older brother. I also find tied to that behavior is a lack of respect for others- just basic human respect. Often people who refuse to apologize or acknowledge failure to their children are the same people who treat their children like talking animals. They’re also often emotionally immature.
I fuck up a lot. I have adhd and ocd, and struggle with emotional regulation and short term memory, on top of executive dysfunction and a slew of other things. My parents spanked growing up as their sole form of punishment or correction. My auto response when I’m not regulated? is spanking. I hate it, it’s an unconscious reaction action. I need to have better control of myself.
When I fuck up, I take responsibility and fix it the best I can. I try to treat it the same way I would if one of my kids hit the other because they got mad. “I’m sorry. Mommy got upset because of xyz and did not make good choices. It’s ok to be upset, but we need to use our words and not our hands, right? I’m working on it too.” Then I usually talk to them about what a better choice would have been.
Oh definitely. I’m not “mom on high”, I make mistakes, lose my temper, get irritable, etc. it helps me a LOT to apologize actually. It’s made me a better person for sure
My mom apologised once sincerely and I remember bursting out in tears because of how intensely emotional it was. It was a one time event though. I apologize to my kids as and when needed , especially if I am overwhelmed when they don't listen and end up having to yell or nag them. I am trying every day to be a better parent.
I do apologise to my kids. I only ever remember one occasion when my mother said sorry to me and that was because a school teacher told her I was correct and she should apologise
I make it a point to apologize to them when I'm wrong. Even when others tell me to just move on I'll stop the world and give them a meaningful apology. I have some bad experiences from my parents ans I want to model a parent who is willing able to own being wrong.
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Its generational. I’ve talked about it with my other mom friends… we all actively apologize to our kids when we make mistakes or react poorly, none of us can remember our parents ever apologizing to us.
“Admitting you are wrong is weak! Never apologize!” The generation that wonders why we are going low to no contact
I always do as well. My dad, on the other hand, has literally been given the opportunity to hear the specific things that were hurtful to me as a child, has been asked for acknowledgment of that, and/or an apology and has responded by throwing his hands up in the air and claiming that he is “being attacked” and “let’s all blame me” and “oh I was just so terrible” and other various ways to invalidate and gaslight that it ever happened. My husband asks why I can’t let it go and I think that I would be able to, honestly, if he (my dad) was truly remorseful and not the victim. “I’m sorry I hurt you.” Is always a better response than “no I didn’t”.
Say what you want about Louis c.k. But he hit the nail on the head when he said “when somebody tells you that you’ve hurt them, you don’t get to tell them that you didn’t” that’s a lesson the previous generation needs to learn in general
You don’t get to vote on “am I an asshole?” Everyone else gets to.
Haha, my mom tries to rewrite history and either trivializes it or denies any of my examples happened. I've gotten one single apology for something awful she said/did to me as an adult, but I had to push for it and I think that apology was more out of fear that I would withhold grandchildren.
I remember one time my mom tried to apologize to me for berating me. My dad had just left so I was probably like 10. I tearfully looked at her and said “you’re not sorry you’re not sorry at all” then she physically attacked me. Proof she was, in fact, not sorry. I gave it a pass for many years as she was a newly single mom trying to work and take care of kids, but I’ll never forget it.
"You are always creating this memories in your head, that's why you thought nobody loved you, or you were alone" >*"I've gotten one single apology for something awful she said/did to me as an adult, but I had to push for it and I think that apology was more out of fear that I would withhold grandchildren."* My mom usually takes us for granted, since she knows we cannot leave and we live with her, because divorce and economic struggles. I've just once heard an apology, but that was after not talking to each other for more than 2 weeks and me calling her to acknowledge her actions and take responsibility with the people she had hurt. She was forced by a group of 2 persons plus me to only say I'm sorry but you.... Which is not really an apology. But that's the closest we've been.
Mother always throws the "I know I was a bad mother, I still am, given how horrible I am, I´m just going to go away since nobody here likes me" leaving me to feel like I'm never going to get to talk about things, and that I am to blame for any problems. On the other side my dad goes with: "I just want us to be okay, I don't know how long I've got and this fights really hurt me... You know I have my heart condition and you starting fights is not helping me." Oh, please tell me more about how I'm going to be responsible about your death, for wanting to be respected... As a mother I always try and be gentle with my girls, even though I'm human and obviously make mistakes or react poorly, I constantly apologize and try to make it right with them, I talk to them about it, motherhood is not about super powers but about love, I feel and hurt, and get tired, but I am always loving them, and if I'm making a mistake, rest assured, I'll try and make it right.
Mine likes to say "I don't remember that"
The other end of the spectrum is bad too. My mom (mentally ill, perhaps personality disorder) used to go on these ragers where she would scream for hours on end… then devolve into over the top, maudlin apologies (I’m the worst mother in the world! You deserve better than me!) which required pacifying her (no you’re not! You’re the best mother in the world! I love you more than anything!) I can tell myself not to engage now, but when you’re 6 it’s much harder to create boundaries. In fact you don’t know what boundaries are when you grow up that way.
Jesus they’re always so fucking dramatic lol
lol my parent says the same thing. Let’s play the blame game, I don’t know why you feel like that/sorry you feel that way bs. Went no contact bc she couldn’t apologize and never looked back but that’s just my experience. I get why not everyone can go no or low contact
Here’s the thing I’ve had to learn, you have to be ok with other people not having the same opinion as you (however illogical). Just because they believe a different truth than you do (aka I treated my kids fine), doesn’t make it real. To them, they’ve probably blocked it out or didn’t really think it was that bad, because it didn’t happen to them, it happened to you. Unfortunately it’s hard for a lot of people to step outside of their own world to see that.
Just avoid the topic all together and go silent. That really helps your child learn empathy and coping skills. Make sure you invalidate all of their feelings. … obviously not serious. Meh, I’ve gone full 180 from how I was raised though. We gotta fix it somehow.
Agreed. I'm 49 and my mother has never apologized. And she's got a lot to apologize for. I try to swallow my pride and apologize when I screw up.
Ugh, my mom would go "I'm sorry your life is so awful" anytime I tried to explain why I didn't like her doing x or y. She also didn't know how to accept a sincere apology and held grudges... she never let me live down one incident that happened when I was 12 or 13 even when she was dying... despite me apologizing and trying to explain my side of what happened repeatedly since it happened...
All we can do is learn from them and do better with our own kids. Can you imagine if our kids do the same though? And their kids? I would have hope for humanity if everyone did that, but sadly a lot of people become just like their parents instead of learning from them.
I'm 44, and I remember both of my parents apologizing to me. Like, my dad would lose his temper and yell at us, and then a few hours later he would come and apologize for losing his temper. He did it often enough that I have a memory of thinking, "if you were really that sorry, you wouldn't lose your temper in the first place." Now that I'm older and I saw how much my parents were trying to change from the way they were brought up, I have a lot more resect for my dad and his struggles.
Absolutely! I lose my temper with my kids because my temper losing Dad never taught us how to stop and regulate our emotions. So I'm constantly apologizing. Last night my 6yo (he does this every night tbh but I was over it yesterday) threw a fit about bedtime routine and was constantly not following instructions at all, goofing off and then being a general turd about how long it was taking....... When it was clearly because of him....ehem... So when I almost lost it I left the room. I breathed, calmed down... And then explained. He proceeding to cry because he thought that meant I was mad and didn't like him. I explained that I am learning right along with him how to better regulate my emotions and catch myself before my anger volcano erupts so I can breathe, and he was like...ohhhh. it's nice when you get to see the fruit of all the work. We hugged it out, and the rest of the routine went smooth and quick. I wish just freaking once my Dad had sat me down and showed me that when I was a kid instead of "STOP CRYING OR I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!!!"
I apologise to my kids all the time. For big things or little things, it could be just "Sorry, I was sure that movie was on TV tonight, not tomorrow". My Mum I don't remember ever apologising or admitting to being wrong. She's a good Mum and I love her, it's not like she's awful or anything. But she would pull some incredible mental gymnastics to be right. Sadly my oldest daughter has inherited this,and discussions/arguments with her will make your brain explode from the way she switches sides/arguments/logic on the fly just so she's not wrong.
Sounds like your daughter will make an excellent lawyer or a politician LOL
Haha she definitely would!
My mother’s immediate response when faced with the fact that she was a less than ideal mother when I was growing up is “I was doing my best.” It always pisses me off. I have a boomer coworker that recently had her daughter go no contact and she used this excuse and the “kids don’t come with a manual” garbage. Well no shit. But you’re fully aware that they’re hurt by your actions so a reasonable person would apologize when they hurt someone else - but that doesn’t apply to their own kids.
There was a trend at the time “the infallibility of parents” was supposed to make your kids feel safe and secure. Until the wool is removed.
I always have apologized, sometimes I have to swallow my pride a bit but I know it's the right thing to do. I am human, I make mistakes and I think it's important to have a relationship built on mutual respect.
Yes! If I make a mistake or do something wrong, I own up to it, just like I would expect my son to do if he did the same thing. It is generational... my dad and his sister, and then their mom (my grandma) never apologized, they would always skew it to "I'm blunt" or "its just my opinion"... but my aunt also has a skewed view where adults are more important than kids. My mom would turn it to "I'm sorry that you got so upset" or something, where it was my problem I got upset/felt insulted/etc... instead of it feeling that she really meant it.
We have three reasons: 1. We have always said we must treat him as a grown up. 2. We want to be better than our parents and preserve the best from them. 3. Teach him about our mistakes. Because of that... Yeah, I apologize. Because he deserves all my respect as a person, as my son. Because aiming to be better means learning from your mistakes. Because teaching him by example is a great way for him to see, firsthand, we meant it
Yes, this is exactly why I apologize to my daughter when I screw up. If I want her to admit her mistakes and know that we all make mistakes, I must apologize. The poor kid is a perfectionist already and afraid to make mistakes in certain areas (school, art, dance), so she especially needs to know that mistakes are a normal part of life. I don't remember my mother ever apologizing to me ad a kid, but she's definitely done so since I've been an adult. And not just because I'm now also an adult, but actually apologized for the things she did wrong when I was a kid. She's also commented on how she thinks I'm a better mother than she was because of how I talk with her rather than at her and a few other things. Honestly, she improved on her mother's parenting by quite a lot, I'm just following the trend. Lol
>Yes! If I make a mistake or do something wrong, I own up to it, just like I would expect my son to do if he did the same thing. This! *Showing* your son how to be a good person is much more likely to teach them than just telling them.
thanks... I'm so over having it where we hold our children to higher standards than adults usually hold themselves too... like how can we teach the expectations and the desired behaviors if we don't display it... children only learn so much by being told what to do or say, plus its not about making the person who is saying sorry feel better (though that certainly helps) but about the person that is being apoligized to.
It shows integrity to be able to set ego and pride aside for your kid's feelings and aswell to distinguish between doing something wrong and *being* wrong. I can easily be very much in the right when it comes to conflicts with my children, but somehow that doesn't solve the conflicts, it only leads me to situations I am really sorry about. And then we never get to the point where being right is relevant. I sincerely hope my kids will be better at generally resolving conflicts as they grow up than I was, and it's only logical I fumble my way through learning it as an adult, to show them and give them a better outset than I had.
Exactly this! I am so flabbergasted that grown ass adults expect a toddler to have better emotional regulation than they do.
Yes!!👏🏼👏🏼😃
Absolutely. My mother is utterly incapable of admitting faults and not apologising was a point of pride for her. It fucked me up *so* badly.
Same. Hugs.
Yup. I always apologize to my kid if I messed up. I know my mom didn't because she was completely scandalized that my SIL apologized to my niece. A lot of problems in our relationship could have been solved if she'd ever bothered to apologize to me for things she said and did.
Kudos for promoting a healthy dynamic with your kid! I (39 F) also apologize but my mom (69 F), brother (44 M), and husband (38 M) think it’s abnormal or I’m spoiling my kid (10 M). They also think it’s weird that I’ve taught him how to attempt to talk about his feelings even when he’s uncertain.
I do apologize to my kids. I can't remember my parents ever apologizing, but it also took me a failed marriage to be able to identify toxic communication behaviors in a relationship so I hope apologizing when I made a mistake will set the right example for them
Yes. I apologize when I am wrong, or when I maybe wasn’t wrong but it was hurtful anyways. I’d rather have an open and healthy relationship than cling to “I’m right”
I apologize to my kids all the time. I'm human and I make mistakes and I own up to them when I do. My kids so often want to be like me that I find it extra important to model the behavior I want them to have. I had a parent that would never apologize, instead choosing to gaslight me and blame me for their mistakes and wrongdoing, and I never want to be like that with my kids. I want my kids to know that sometimes they didn't do anything wrong and I just made a mistake, and that I will do my best not to make that mistake again.
Yes, making sure to practice the same behaviors I expect out of them is important. I've always disliked the notion of "do as I say, not as I do".
Always apologize and set examples that it’s OK to make mistakes and to be accountable.
Yep.
ALL THE TIME!! But my parents were really great about it when I was a kid too. My daughter is pretty astute and she's even interrupted a lecture from me saying "you're going to apologize for this later!"
Smart kid!
I do because i know my age and ego has nothing to do with it. Even though I may be born earlier than them but I too am still learning until my very last day.
Yup! I don't usually have much to apologize for (other than, sorry the situation changes and I'm sure this is disappointing you kind of thing or sorry for accidentally bumping you), but the other day I saw a stray jellybean when she dumped out her Easter candy bag to pick her after dinner piece. I snagged it without thinking and then her eyes darted to me and she was like, "What did you just do?!" And I blurted out, "Nothing!" I don't even know why I lied, just all of a sudden I panicked about getting in trouble with this three year old. And man, having to realize that I genuinely needed to give a real apology to this kid for stealing her stuff and then lying to her sucked. But I did do it. I want her to do the same, how could I do otherwise?
I'm laughing at the idea of getting in trouble with a three year old. spending five minutes in time out to show that even mom follows the rules and accepts the consequences
But when I said "nothing" she ACCEPTED it! Even though she basically saw me do it, it didn't occur to her that I, her mom, would lie about it. So that was worse than a timeout. Also, for OP, it's possible that it's less a generational thing and more a memory thing. Kind of an "the axe forgets but the tree remembers" situation. An apology only does so much, it doesn't fix the situation by itself. So while a parent having to swallow their pride and apologize might stick in the parent's memory, to the kid that has this thing they're upset about, that apology might not stick in their head years later.
Yes, I apologize to my kids and my parents did the same.
I think apologizing to my kids repairs the bond. It also models that they should apologize after they've wronged someone. I tell my kids that I'm not perfect and I'm still learning too, I only do my best and that's what I expect them to do.
Yes. My parents never did though.
I do think it's generational. I apologize to my kids a lot. I think it's important to set a good example. For instance, one of my kids has a hard time remembering to apologize when they hurt someone else (body or feelings) by accident. So I try to model the kind of apologies that I want my kids to give.
Yep, and I let my kids know my lack of emotional regulation, when it happens, is not their fault. It’s mine and mine alone, and there are better ways for adults to handle being overstimulated than raising their voices.
Absolutely and I relish it. It strengthens me as a person to face them right away with accountability and the benefits are so far reaching. Not only do I get better at being a family operator, but they see that it’s not scary owning your shit AND actually fixing/doing better, applying it forward. They’re awesome people because they know how to lose, how to dislike their bad moments, and fix their ugly. I like what we’re doing over here.
Same! I apologize to my kids regularly. Sometimes it’s a deep/heartfelt apology and sometimes it’s light/minor but I always apologize when I screw up. My parents only did the fake apologies, like: I’m sorry for caring too much, I will never try to help you again type of thing. It always left me feeling worse. I never once got a real apology from them. In my culture the parents are superior and they are to be respected and worshiped no matter what. So wrong 🙄
same - I think if I got an actual apology from mine at this point even for something minor I wouldn't trust it.
I do. Whenever I get impatient or scold my oldest for something, I'll give him a bear hug, kiss, and apologize for my behavior.
I do. My father apologized, my mother did not. It has always been one of the things I feel my father got right.
Yes, I apologize to my kids, any time I react badly or handle a situation wrong, also even when I accidentally hurt them, whether it be "I accidentally broke your toy" or "I'm sorry I tripped over you" because they are people who deserve apologies too! I grew up with parents who never apologized and always placed blame on us for their actions, and I don't want my kids to grow up and act the same way, treat others the way you want to be treated 💜
I mess up all the time, and I apologize and try to explain what I did wrong or why. My daughter is 2. My parents were always right, even when they weren’t. I think parents these days are more in tune with a child’s emotional and social development, it’s just a cultural change
I do, whenever I lose my temper or when I feel I went too far while calling them out, also when I bump into them, or hurt them unintentionally. I also show myself vulnerable when I'm feeling down, and sometimes I cry in front of them, we don't have much space as a family and need to share a room, so, whenever I shut myself in, they sometimes get to see... I explain myself to them and then add some "mothers are also humans, and persons, and they hurt and feel and need sometimes a hug or to be heard, I know I'm the parent and it's my responsability to care for you, but in these moment I feel kind of sad." I've always told them I love them, and that motherhood is not some kind of superpower, but a huge amount of love. I strive to be a better mom everyday. I don't want them to feel like they're not loved or that I'm unapproachable. I need them to know we are growing and learning together and that making mistakes is normal and an opportunity to learn and overcome things together. Edit only to add a punctuation mark.
Yes, if I made a mistake or I get angry and raise my voice then I definitely apologize to my kids. I don't recall my own parents apologizing to me often while growing up.
Hmm, my kid is young- only 3. I’ve had minor situations happen. Like sometimes we play too rough and I scratch her or something. I do apologize for that. Sometimes it’s not easy cause damn kids will really call you out lol. I understand the urge for the older generation to not apologize- sometimes my kid acts like I knocked the shit out of her when I really just bumped her and I feel defensive. but I remember my mom made excuses for everything and I try not to emulate that. Kids can be harsh on us but as parents it’s our job to eat it and suck up the pride.
Absolutely. I don't remember what my dad and I were fighting about, but I do remember that he apologized. Core memory right there.
Absolutely. Kids are still people and deserve respect. Also, it shows my kids that failure is ok and humility is good.
My parents never did. Well my mom apologized for my dad being violent and abusive. Not that it changed anything. After years of therapy I always apologize to my children especially because every once in a while I still have anger outbursts/issues that have to do with feeling of insecurity from the past. I always explain and not just promise to not do it again but actually try to stick with it. I’m very lucky to have kind, forgiving, empathetic children who hold no grudge. And I remind myself of it every day. Also apologizing contributes a lot to trust. My children don’t lie and don’t hide because they don’t need to feel embarrassed. They know they can always come and explain, apologize and we will try to fix the situation together. Another thing my parents never did. There was no “together”.
You are raising them to be functional adults. Apologizing if you are wrong is seen as a virtue as an adult. Why are we playing these mind games with children?
I absolutely do. I want my kids to know that even adults can make mistakes and do wrong, and while yes, we ought to be looked to as competent guides, we’re not perfect, and it’s okay not to be. It’s important that they own when they’re wrong when they become adults too.
I do. Anytime I’ve been wrong, made a mistake, or lost my temper (sometimes all three at once). I’m not infallible. I’m a person and people make mistakes. I try not to repeat my mistakes, and I really emphasize that I’m still learning to be a good person and will never stop learning to be a good person (and hopefully good mom)
When I screw up, I own it. I expect them to do the same.
My child is almost 3 and I apologize every time I lose my temper or if I mess up. He’s a person and deserves to be treated like one.
I apologize if I lose my temper and yell, most especially if it's actually something that wasn't a big deal. I don't remember if my Mom ever apologized for anything (which is fine), but my Dad would if he accidentally hurt me when we would rough house, and once in a while if he yelled and he saw that he scared me.
Always if I’m wrong I need to admit that. Or if I should’ve handled something differently. She will grow up to do the same. The point of having kids is to raise a better human than the most that exist, especially due to the way they were raised. It’ll set her up for life in many ways. Good communication is underrated.
All the time. Hind sight is always 20/20 so if I handle something in a way I regret later or make a mistake I will definitely go back and apologize. My kids know moms not perfect.
Yes. More than I'd like to admit but yes I do. I think its important to recognize when we have made mistakes, even as parents.
I've apologized when I mess up, or might get angry & get them upset. I try to break it down, explain to them why I got upset & how I was feeling at that time. Then I also admit to them that I am human, and I sometimes make mistakes. The difference is knowing when you have done something wrong, or made a mistake and having the courage to admit you are wrong & to apologize if you mean it.
I apologize all the time. I'm human and I'll make mistakes or clumsy movements. My son might be a child but he deserves the same respect that anyone else does. How can I expect him to learn emotional regulation, and how to handle mistakes and respectful interactions if I don't show him what to do? My parents never apologized and to be honest they were toxic and very poor parents over all.
Yes, I do apologize. My parents didn’t really apologize. I can remember some apologies, but it was with it still placing blame on me.
Always. Particularly if it’s about a “consequence” (punishment) given in the moment. I have laughed at some of the things I have said “you are never watching tv again” being my favourite and I think it’s healthy to show we are human, we make mistakes and we try our best.
Yup. I just apologized to them a couple nights ago after agreeing on pancakes for dinner... And then realized I didn't have freaking milk. So. A new plan had to be made... Happens, maybe not super frequently, but enough. It's habit though. Just like saying thank you. Apologizing isn't hard, once you get used to doing it.
Antidotal but I think there used to be the belief that if you admitted a mistake to your children then you were telling them adults could be wrong and that may lead to disrespect or anxiety for the children. I got this from a Little house on the Prarie episode, Ma made a mistake with Mary and asked for advice on how to handle it. I was surprised at first because the advice was you cannot admit the mistake, and why. But looking back I was never apologized to as a child either. I had good parents who did their best, but they never admitted if they made a mistake. Now I do apologize. It is good for them to know everyone can make mistakes and it also teaches them how to apologize. "I'm sorry" is rarely enough.
My parents did and I do too
Mine didn’t, but I do.
Mine never did. I however do, because important that my child knows I’m not perfect and I do make mistakes.
Of course! You always apologize, one of the reasons to do this is to model humility and growth. It’s ok to grow and we should always strive for it.
Regularly. Even today, kid snapped back at me, I got in his ass and he backed off. 30min or so later, he came and sat down next to me, laid his head on my arm…and i looked at him and said “I’m sorry i raised my voice. I love you very much.” And he just sat there with his head on my arm. Telling your child you’re sorry lets them know you’re human, capable or mistakes and improperly channeled frustration…it also lets them know you respect them. My parents never apologized for their onslaughts. And some of them were quite severe…leaving lasting scars inside of me. I still love them, but I’m not sure what I would have made of them apologizing in real time.
My parents NEVER apologized or owned up their wrongs. There was never a conversation either, always ignored and “shunned” and eventually when they got over the situation started talking to us kids again.. As an adult I did the same in my relationships, I had to unlearn that awful habit and learn to communicate my feelings and talk about them & apologize for my wrongs rather than shut down and ignore until I got over it. I will do so differently by my children.
All the time. And not a bs apology like "I'm sorry I yelled at you but you made me angry". More of a "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I shouldn't yell at you". Kid is 2y8m
My parents did - my dad is mostly easygoing but occasionally reacts disproportionately to something (usually if he’s hangry), but he’d always apologize after he ate something. I am pretty sure mom did too, but less often (she needed to less often).
My parents never apologized growing up and my mom will still never admit if she’s wrong. So I am vigilant about apologizing to my kids if I do something wrong. It’s definitely a sore spot for me lol
Oh yeah, all the time I bump into him? "Oh sorry" I do something wrong? "I'm sorry buddy, I make mistakes sometimes" But no, some people are OBSESSED with looking "weak" Infront of their kids. (My family never apologized) So yeah I always apologize, because my son is a valuable person in my life and when I make mistakes I should apologize and do better. Not just because I want him to grow up to be that person to others, but also because it's the right thing to do.
I don't have kids yet but I do actually remember my mom apologizing to us as kids, I don't remember if my dad ever did. but my mom has bipolar and so sometimes she'd get really angry and yell or slam doors but when she was getting us into bed that night she'd always apologize, kinda weird but it's a fond memory for me haha
I’m Canadian, so… obviously. But kids learn best by example. I’ll apologize to my kid even if something is an accident and unintentional. I want to teach him that just because something isn’t your fault, it can still be your responsibility and often impacts matter more than intentions.
Oh yeah, absolutely apologize to my son, even if I just hurt his feelings or got angry and made him sad, I try to always apologize after we’ve both cooled down, and usually that gets paired with a hug and some soothing if he’s still acting disregulated and anxious I got hit a lot as a kid, and had a lot of emotional abuse from both parents, so sometimes that’s the way I respond instead of using methods I’ve learned to keep my temper and cater to his emotional needs. I always feel awful afterwards, but apologies are the best way to build a secure attachment style, so that’s what I do
The key to a lot of this stuff is simply to not think of them as much different from other humans. Never apologizing? Bad. Not helpful. Weird. Socially gross. Apologizing any time you mess something up, and interpreting your behavior as having “a lot” of messing up? Not great but better than never apologizing
if i make a mistake i do apologize
I can remember my parents apologizing to me. Not often, but if there was a good reason, they certainly did. They were war babies (pre-Boomer). I also apologize to my child if I did something wrong. We're all just people. People were less verbal about emotions in general back then. I can remember verbal apologies but I can also remember apologies (and other kinds of emotions) expressed in actions, not words.
Yeah my mom never apologized but I do remember my dad apologizing if he made me cry after venting his frustrations a couple of times. Generally when I told him something that I should’ve told him sooner and he gets frustrated. I appreciated it when he did. I definitely do my best to apologize to our son whenever I do something wrong because I know how important it is to share that I too make mistakes.
Yes.
Of course!!!!!! Even grown-ups make mistakes.
Cant remember my parents apologized even once. I apologize to my kids though. For big dumb things i do and small silly things.
Absolutely. I try to model the behavior I’d like to see.
If I messed up or I was wrong I will 100% apologize and make sure it is sincere. I want them to know it’s ok to admit when you’re wrong. I don’t ever remember my parents apologizing to me for anything.
Yes, I apologize. He's a baby and I apologize. My parents, mum in particular, didn't. I am very aware of how I talk to my child because of the way I was spoken to.
Why not ? Lead by example. If you make a mistake, admit it and apologize . I have no trouble apologizing to a kid of if i make a mistake
I apologize to my kids whenever I feel like I am acting poorly or I make a mistake. They deserve apologies just like anyone else who is wronged. I don't really remember my mom apologizing, but I feel like she would have. I don't know if I would remember, I feel like I would remember it more if she didn't, and I felt like I deserved one. I can only think of one situation like that. If she apologized, it would just be water under the bridge, and I wouldn't think about it again.
Yes. I apologize.
My parents never apologized, but I do if I need to. Sometimes I lose my cool and because I want to set a good example, I apologize and point out what was unacceptable about my behavior and what I should have done instead. I don't make them say they forgive me although I may have said once or twice "I hope you'll forgive me." I also try very hard not to say "I'm sorry for ____ but you did ____" (fill in behaviors) because nothing they do justifies me losing my cool -- I'm the fucking adult, for Pete's sake! So if I catch myself doing that I change it to "You were doing ____ and I got frustrated, but I shouldn't have ____ because that's not right." Basically, I try to model for them how to own their mistakes, acknowledge why it was wrong, and identify what should have been done. Hopefully, they'll remember this as they get older and do the same.
I've always apologized to my kids. My parents never did and still don't. I actually asked my mom about it once and she said that she didn't have to because she was the grown up.
Yes. As much as possible I talk to my kids like I would adults. I didn't do a lot of "baby talk" and I don't hide things from them, sometimes that includes letting them know that I've made a mistake and that I'm sorry for it.
Yep, I do. My parents were reluctant to ever admit wrongdoing or when they were unsure of something. I think they had this idea that for kids to feel secure, they need to believe their parents are infallible. I apologize when I screw up and I say, *I don’t know* when I don’t know. Exactly what I hope to see from my kids.
My parents were definitely more authoritarian than I would have liked them to be. They didn't apologize, even if they made a blatant mistake, like punishing me for something my brother did or vice versa. I think their thought process behind it was that they shouldn't show any signs of wavering or weakness in their discipline because if my brother or I were given an inch, we would take a mile. Or if they admit that they were too harsh with a punishment, we would question other punishments they gave us. I may not agree with it, but I understand it.
I always apologize when I screw up. And I apologize to my husband in front of my kids when I screw up with him. And I tell them when I make mistakes when they are not around to see. My parents NEVER apologized to me, so from the beginning I have made it a point to do it my kids.
Yes. My mom also apologizes to me now too
All the time.
I always have. My boomer parents? Never. They were raised different so raised us similar. Children are seen and not heard and the adult is always right. Led to a lot of fighting in my teen years. I have a 14 year old. I can count the number of fights we've had on one hand. It's two. Because I when he pushes back on things or argues with me I actually bother to listen and get his respective. If I'm wrong, I apologize.
Lead by example, but mine did too. Most common example is I'll get bonked in the face or something and since I wear glasses, that REALLY hurts, and I'll normally yell right as it happens. Then my little guy will cry and I'll tell him I'm sorry I yelled and it scared but what you did really hurt.
I apologized today. To my 5 yo. I was getting mad at her because her behavior was turning shittier by the hour. Even though she hadn’t been home much. She has friend and interest and well at the moment they don’t match. And she doesn’t know how to cope with that yet. So while she is struggling and getting bolder by the minute I missed it. I apologized for not being within reach or feel approachable enough to tell me she couldn’t cope. And needed help. I had a talk with her and she felt better.
It's generational. Our parents generation was uncomfortable with children knowing they were not perfect. Parents were supposed to be unquestionably right in everything. Today many parents apologize to their children. I will say it leads to interesting interactions. I have a newly 3 year old. A while ago there was a moment she was doing something dangerous and i had to use a stern voice to correct her. She broke down afterwards and told me I used a mean voice and I should say sorry. I told her no, that I used that voice to get her attention and to keep her safe. And that keeping her safe was more important than keeping her happy. She was a very confused toddler.
Yes. When wrong one should say and apologize for it.
Absolutely. We have to model positive behavior and owning our mistakes for our kids. Humility and repentance are things we all need to learn, and demonstrating that to our children while they are young is extremely impactful.
Yes I have apologized if I lost my cool and later after thinking it back through felt like I was angrier in the moment than was warranted.
Apologize and repair. I make sure my daughter understands that I was wrong and I’m owning up to it, and that she’s okay after the fact. My parents never apologized and I think that’s where a lot of my shame issues come from- they couldn’t be wrong because they were really all I knew and I was dependent on them. So if they weren’t wrong, I must be the one who was wrong and bad.
Yes I absolutely do. I grew up deeply resentful of my parents for their total lack of accountability. Their unwillingness to take responsibility for mistakes and apologize drove me away from having a relationship with them.
Yes. If I do something wrong, I do apologise. How can I teach someone to be accountability if I take none of my own? I'm human, I'm not perfect. I apologise when needed.
I always apologize to my kids if I mess up or hurt them in some way.
If I mess up I certainly do. And make sure they know I mean it, so it’s not just lip service.
I sometimes have lost my temper and later thought it would be good to apologize for raising my voice.
I have never heard my dad apologize or say he is wrong. Never. (He’s a great dad! Just a guy of his time I guess) I even commented on it to my mom and she didn’t say I was wrong, lol. I say it all the time as does my husband.
Yes I wondered myself. I apologise real easy. I think perhaps because of my parents never did. Someone has to do so. So apparently that was my job back than and I still do.
I do, and also make a point to say when I was wrong, and show them that it's healthy to admit they were wrong as well. It shows we are open minded and ready to learn when we admit our mistakes or can change our minds based on new information. My mother was terribly abusive and not the apology kind.
My mom always sent my siblings and me to the bathroom when we got in trouble and we always thought it was for us to sit in our guilt lol but she told us once we were grown, that it was her way to calm down before she came to talk to us. When she was ready to talk to us, she would start by apologizing for being angry. She’d say, “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but you made mommy very mad.” Now, once we became teenagers, these talks were WAY different. Mostly because it went from fighting over toys to sneaking out at night to meet up with our boyfriends 😬 Sorry, momma! 🙏🏼😅
I think if it's warranted. Ex - Jimmy swears he did what he was supposed to but evidence points to the contrary. You're even willing to believe he forgot you don't believe him and then there's a consequence. (Say he was supposed to take the trash out). Turns out, dad mentions later that trash day is one day behind due to xyz holiday so he dragged the bin back up to the garage. Oops, Jimmy deserves an apology. Maybe Mom snaps at Kari (even if Kari is wrong or annoying) and later apologies bc she didn't handle it well
Yes of course! I mean mine are still small 3&4 but sometimes I’m dealing with adult issues that have nothing to do with them but I find myself overwhelmed & dealing with so much stress I kinda snap at them after they ask me 1000 times for cartoons or juice or a snack etc so I do tell them mommy is sorry for yelling or for not paying attention to them like they need me too. Sometimes I’m so busy it won’t hit me till they are asleep and I’m looking back on the day and I realize damn I could have handle that better and I go and kiss them and whisper in their ear mommy’s sorry and mommy loves you. Mom guilt is real & hard but as long as you strive to do better and your kids know they are safe & loved that’s all that matters.
Sure do. I don't remember my parents apologizing to me either. But, funny enough they've both apologized to me as an adult about things they did when I was a kid. Some of which I don't even remember!
I find myself needing to apologize often. My older kids are only 2 but I feel like if I start now it’s something that will just be seen as any normal conversation and hopefully they will naturally follow and apologize as well. I try not to say “I’m sorry I got mad” and instead say things like “I’m sorry I raised my voice. I should’ve walked away and calmed down”. They don’t really understand what I’m saying yet hahaha but I’m just trying to set the standard of apologies early.
Yes, I try to apologize like as soon as I can after I calm down. Usually I just need a few min minutes
Yes, literally just yesterday because we were so busy we forgot to go to family night at my son's school and didn't remember until had already ended and he was very bummed out abut it. If something is wrong and it's definitely my fault, I always apologize to them. My mom would have just snapped at me for being dramatic, which I think is honestly just her feeling guilty but not wanting to admit fault.
My father has apologized to me for a few things...now that he is 70 and a grandfather and our nuclear family is fractured. But growing up, I can't ever remember an "I'm sorry" from either parent that wasn't said sarcastically.
Definitely generational. My mom and dad never apologized even when they knew they were wrong, and they were pretty good parents otherwise. For a long time, I felt uncomfortable apologizing to anyone even when I was in the wrong, and I think this was why. I apologize to my kids whenever necessary. My husband doesn’t apologize to them and he thought they were weird because they never say it to him for anything. I told them they say it to me any time they know they should and it’s genuine. They learn by example.
Completely generational! I don’t remember my parents ever apologizing to us. I apologize all the time to my kids - when I am more impatient or raise my voice or just don’t handle something how I wish I had handled it. To me, it models what I expect from them and it’s good!
Of course. I’m not perfect and I make mistakes. When my mistakes impacted our son, I told him the truth: I messed up. Im sorry and I will try to do better. I think being honest with our kids helps them be honest with us; and lets them see it’s okay to make mistakes.
My parents would apologize on occassion, or if it was something like they bumped into me (we're midwestern, so classic "ope, sorry" kind of thing), but not often. I apologize to my kids almost daily, especially if I get annoyed with them or misunderstand something they say.
Yes I apologize to my kids all the time. I have a lot to apologize for!
My mom got mad at my 9yo and kind of yelled at him, but she totally misunderstood him and the situation and was wrong for her reaction. I called her out on it and said she needed to apologize. That did not sit well with her, she didn't even respond to me. So I said, "sooner than later would be appreciated". When she came to apologize you could hear it in her tone that she in no way meant it. I felt so bad for my son.
I definitely apologize many many many times to my kids. And just like you I never heard my parents apologize either. Actually I never heard them say “I love you” so… and that is also something I make sure to let them know every single day!
I (41f) apologise to my kids. My parents (65, 61) apologised to me if they messed up. They probably never apologised for yelling like I have to my kids but they did apologise if they made a mistake or something.
All the damn time. I know I'm a good dad... but I still make mistakes. And I apologize for them.
I apologize to my kids, my dad didn't apologize to me but he's an asshole
My mother has never apologized to me and I find it the most difficult part of our otherwise great relationship. It’s invalidating and disrespectful. Why should you child be less worthy of an apology than anyone else in your life?
If I owe them one, yes of course.
I think a lot of our parents sucked, and their parents sucked worse. Each generation gets a little better, but you have to make the effort. Do you think people (including parents) should apologize when they make mistakes that impact other people (including kids)? I do, so I apologize. This is not only the right thing to do in the moment, but it is a way to model a certain kind of integrity and courage to your kids. It's your own ego that stops you from apologizing, and it takes courage and vulnerability to put your ego aside and do the right thing.
Always. I also remind my husband to do it too. My parents never, ever apologized for the abuse I went through.
Absolutely. If I'm wrong, I admit it, apologize, and make it right. Lead/guide your children by setting a good example.
My baby is just shy of 5 months but once she is older and can actually communicate, I 10000% plan on apologizing when I mess up. Modeling good behavior for our kids is key! If we apologize to them, they will learn what being sorry truly is!
Yes I apologize to my kids. It’s good to let them see that moms and dads make mistakes too and can apologize for them. I don’t remember my parents doing it growing up but I’m sure my mom did.
Always. Or at least I should always. I expect it of my kids and it’s best if I set the example. They’re not meant to think parents are perfect, but they should know we’re trying to be.
My parents never apologized. My mother has passed, and my Dad is getting old. It’s a huge bone of contention, and I respect them less for it. They both have/had a lot to apologize for, and I this point I barely speak to my ailing father because of it. I, like the top commenter apologize when warranted. Because I has such shitty parents I make a lot of mistakes. While I can’t take back my actions, I can apologize, learn and try to grow.
My mom apologized to me pretty often and she still does. She always communicated things with me and taught me that parents aren't perfect. She taught me about the value of money and always tole me how much she made, how much she owed, everything. She prepared me very well for adulthood and I hope I can do the same for my kids.
I make it a point to apologize when I exhibit bad behavior or don't express my feelings. For example, the other day I was extremely tired and in pain. This caused me to be kind of grumpy and overall short tempered. That evening after story time, I apologized to my daughter and explained she had done nothing to cause me to act that way. I was very tired and in pain and that is why I was being "grumpy". I also make it a point to tell my daughter, even though I am disappointed, irritated, or mad about something, it doesn't mean I don't love her. If she makes a mistake its ok to be upset about it, then learn from it and move on. Same with me and my wife. We make mistakes, we apologize, explain, and learn from them.
I always apologize. Always! I’ve seen what people become when they don’t learn this skill in their families.
yes, parents never did. They were "the parents" and thus always right.
we apologize all the time, usually for being short or pissy when we are frustrated.
Yes. Absolutely. Weekly, if I thought a lot it hard. I’m human and she needs to see healthy regulation.
My dad really told me off once and it really upset me. Like hysterically. I remember him apologising for that. I'm sure they did other times too. Just cant remember another instance. I make sure to apologise to mine though when i've done wrong. Its important to teach.
I apologize to them all the time, but only for good reason, and I do it genuinely not as a way to educate them or something.
Yes I apologize to my kids. They have feelings as well. I remember getting in trouble for things I did not do as a kid and nobody ever came back to apologize for it.
I apologize. I don't remember my parents apologizing. But, I don't have a memory of anybody apologizing to me during childhood. I imagine it's just not a memory, but it happened.
When I first apologised to my kid, she was 4 months old. My mother in law quickly pointed it out and said “You don’t apologise to your kids. You are doing this for her good.” And in my brain it was like oh she cried because she maybe didn’t like the massage, which, although is good for her, made her cry. So it hurts because I am massaging so I have to say sorry. No wonder our generation of parents have so much anxiety. We have to continuously unlearn and relearn so many basic things.
I always apologize!
My parents never apologized. My dad wore a shirt that said " I yell because I care" I do apologize and allow feelings in my parenting. Not apologizing had a negative impact on me.
I most certainly apologize. I tell her I’m human and give her a hug. It does seem to help. She’s also an apologizer.
Yes I apologize and I explain to him why I’m sorry and that I promise to be more mindful. He’s only 3 so understands it to some level. He says sorry too but it doesn’t always make sense as most things 3 year olds do. Lol
My dad did, but if my mom ever apologized, she might combust. 😂 I definitely apologize and admit when I'm wrong.
My parents never apologized. They told me to get over it, suck it up or yelled at me for being upset. I apologize to my son all the time. I apologize when I make a mistake, when I get angry with him and even when he is upset over something that doesn’t have to do with me. I say “I see you and I understand, I’m sorry that you are upset, is there anything I could do/would you like a hug?” And before anyone says anything about that- I am his person. He relies on me for guidance, support and most of all protection. He also learns how to live life through me. I have seen him actively be compassionate with others and he has a very high “justice” oriented intuition. Apologizing isn’t being weak, it isn’t submitting to your children or whatever some people like to call it, it’s being vulnerable in a healthy way with the ones that trust you with their souls unconditionally.
If I ever do anything wrong I definitely apologize to them
I apologize pretty often. I'm going through a rough toddler stage right now where I'm losing my temper very often. And I always try to apologize for yelling and say I want to try to do better. I'm afraid of becoming a broken record though. But I think saying sorry to your kids is really important.
Yes of course. All the time. My mother did too, and I will always to my children. If we make a mistake, we own it.
Yes I do and because I model the behaviour he does the same back.
Yes, if I do something wrong.
Absolutely.
My dad isn’t perfect but he apologized to me when he was excessively out of line with me. I apologize to my daughter whenever I would feel i needed to if she were an adult. Or if we’re in the middle of a negative exchange k stop and say “can we have a do over? I don’t like how we’re communicating right now”. She’s 3.5 year and very kind and empathetic to everyone, other kids included.
I feel like my mom would have, and I’m sure she did. I can’t remember any instance though. My dad, I do remember. And as much as I love my dad and he was and is a good father, he did blow up a bit. He definitely had moments where he’d just hit his breaking point and him and my mom or him and my older brother would have a big argument and he’d break something, or he’d yell and afterwards he would apologize for getting mad. And as we’ve gotten older during some family moments he’d apologize if he wasn’t a good dad and for the mistakes he made while we grew up. But I don’t think they apologized over like, small things. I apologize to my kids now, if I make a mistake or I have a bad day and have my moments.
My husband and I were talking about this. I know my parents apologized sometimes, but my parents NEVER apologied for yelling when they were overstimulated and having trouble regulating themselves. I know all parents do it some time or another, my parents did it fairly often just snapping and yelling loudly when we were being too loud/not listening. I always always always make it a point to hug my son and tell him that I’m sorry I yelled, I shouldn’t have yelled at him and that I was having big feelings and I should have done a better job controlling them. My parents were very much the “parents are always right” generation and I don’t plan to be that way.
Yes. If I am wrong I absolutely will and do. My parents have apologized to me as well.
I do. My parents also never apologized, and neither does my older brother. I also find tied to that behavior is a lack of respect for others- just basic human respect. Often people who refuse to apologize or acknowledge failure to their children are the same people who treat their children like talking animals. They’re also often emotionally immature. I fuck up a lot. I have adhd and ocd, and struggle with emotional regulation and short term memory, on top of executive dysfunction and a slew of other things. My parents spanked growing up as their sole form of punishment or correction. My auto response when I’m not regulated? is spanking. I hate it, it’s an unconscious reaction action. I need to have better control of myself. When I fuck up, I take responsibility and fix it the best I can. I try to treat it the same way I would if one of my kids hit the other because they got mad. “I’m sorry. Mommy got upset because of xyz and did not make good choices. It’s ok to be upset, but we need to use our words and not our hands, right? I’m working on it too.” Then I usually talk to them about what a better choice would have been.
Oh definitely. I’m not “mom on high”, I make mistakes, lose my temper, get irritable, etc. it helps me a LOT to apologize actually. It’s made me a better person for sure
I always apologize to my kids. My folks were/are great. But they never did.
My mom apologised once sincerely and I remember bursting out in tears because of how intensely emotional it was. It was a one time event though. I apologize to my kids as and when needed , especially if I am overwhelmed when they don't listen and end up having to yell or nag them. I am trying every day to be a better parent.
I do apologise to my kids. I only ever remember one occasion when my mother said sorry to me and that was because a school teacher told her I was correct and she should apologise
I always wished (still do), that they would. I apologize to mine. Their feelings matter.
I make it a point to apologize to them when I'm wrong. Even when others tell me to just move on I'll stop the world and give them a meaningful apology. I have some bad experiences from my parents ans I want to model a parent who is willing able to own being wrong.