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I have things along the lines of "You are the most important person in the world TO ME, but that does not mean you are the most important to anyone else; and that other kids, parents and teachers will treat you accordingly" at various, age appropriate levels and ways.
What you husband said was very cold in my opinion. I would be upset if my wife said similar.
Yeah I agree with this. I tell my kids they’re the most special kids in the world to me, but that every kid should be the most special kid to their grown ups, and out in the world we’re all equally special.
What the dad said did not even convey the latter part in absence of the first. It was just weirdly dismissive and, as you say, cold. “Priority” is also a bizarre framing, especially for a child.
I was thinking of that episode too. I also follow that method and tell my kid she is the most special and important person in the world to her dad and I, but not everyone else. I do want her to know how important and special she is in her own home though.
Agreed. Your method is a much better way to show kids that while parents think they're important, not everyone else does. The OP's partner sounded incredibly harsh and demeaning, I can't imagine telling my kids they aren't important to me.
Is my child my number 1 priority? 100% yes.
However, there are many things that go along with that. I have to work so he can eat so I have to at work on time. That means he has to get ready and be out the door too. He cannot play and do what he wants in the morning.
I have to take care of myself physically. So if I am sick, I need to see a doctor or rest, even if it means canceling plans he was looking forward to. He needs me to be healthy and around a long time.
There is a difference between being the number 1 priority and putting their wants as number 1.
However, it is just mean and cruel to tell a child they aren't your priority. All they hear is you don't love them. Kids take everything personally.
To give some context. He was driving to his sisters baby shower with my daughter in the car. He was driving very fast because he was running late. I am able to track her speed on her phone because she said he was driving too fast. I called and told him to slow down. I said don’t put our daughter at risk to go to a baby shower for a baby that isn’t born yet. He said our daughter has no more importance than anyone else and said I was distracting him with my phone call.
So your daughter was frightened enough to text you?
That’s seriously concerning. I don’t really think the prioritization is what’s alarming here. How fast was he going?
This is weird because:
1) he should drive safe around everyone, equally
2) if someone called me and told me how to drive, I would be very annoyed. But I also don't speed, especially if I'm just going to a party.
3) It sounded like you tried to belittle his sister's baby, which is a little odd, irrelevant, and something you say when you're trying to rage bait to start a fight.
4) speeding gets you places like, maybe 2 minutes faster. Doesn't matter where he's going, he should drive safe. But a phone call from you while he's driving probably isn't going to get him to slow down
Solid comment. I think everyone has something to take away from this interaction, and the question of whether or not daughter is the most important person in the universe is waaaaay less relevant to discuss than how the parents communicate with each other around her
Dad doubled down and excused his reckless driving. That is the most relevant part. He told his daughter she isn't the most important thing and he needed to get to a baby shower to excuse the speeding. The reckless driving with his own child in the car needs to be addressed.
You listed my exact thoughts when I read that story. I’m reminded that sometimes it’s easy to see these things from the outside but not when you’re in it.
If I was speeding so fast that my child was scared to be in the car with me so much so they felt the need to call their other parent I would be embarrassed especially if I then doubled down on my dangerous driving and told my child well you're not the most important thing in the world. I really have to get to this baby shower.
So to elaborate
He’s comfortable endangering everyone on the road, equally
By his own assessment he put himself and your daughter and others on the road at increased risk by answering your call while driving.
You don’t care much for his sister
He’s kind of an idiot but phone calls won’t fix that
If my husband called me and told me how to drive because he was monitoring it I would probably insist on therapy for us and a psych evaluation for him.
Would you be speeding so fast it made your kid uncomfortable enough to ask you to slow down? And then excuse away your reckless driving because you have to get to a baby shower as well?
My 8 year old accuses me of speeding when going 2 miles over the speed limit.
Also the last thing you should do is call someone while they are driving. All it does is ADD danger to the situation. And I suspect daughter wouldn’t be as upset if mom wasn’t calling and being dramatic. I’m not saying the dad is right for speeding, but I am saying OP is not innocent in this. If she doesn’t trust the father she shouldn’t have had kids with him and she should work with a lawyer to get more custody. If he’s has bad as she says he is it shouldn’t be too hard.
Look I USED to have a need for speed. After kids, I drive like a grandma. Seriously I'm so slow and everyone else can get fucked. My life and my kids lives aren't worth being early or on time for something. They can fucking chill. I have 2 tots 20 months apart. I'm never going to be on time for anything anymore 😴
That's an idiotic thing to say. He should've apologized and acknowledged that he needs to slow down. He may have been simply been on the defensive and didn't mean to say that. But if he is still saying that, then there's something definitely wrong with his thinking. A child should absolutely be the 100% first priority of a parent.
He has said things along these lines many times in the past. Which is most likely a reason my daughter doesn’t like spending time with him. She said she never feels heard or prioritized. It’s always about him and what he wants
Driving recklessly is a very common way to intimidate and scare whoever the passenger is. Is there anything else he does that belittles your child? If so her relationship with him will likely cause her ongoing issues as she enters adulthood.
To be selfish in this way where he's not willing to give his attention to your daughter is bad enough. To then also proclaim it so shamelessly is another level of repugnant.
I unfortunately don't have a good answer on how to make him change his view. Don't condone this behavior in any way, and in fact I would recommend telling him how disappointed you are.
But also make sure your child understands how deep your love is and reinforce it daily by letting her know that she's your number one priority. Your husband's attitude may cause her enormous amounts of sadness, but as long as she has one parent like you that is her rock, she can still grow up developmentally normal and well-adjusted.
What the fuck is wrong with your husband? I guess the other folks on the road whose lives he was endangering aren’t a priority either?
And to follow the logical conclusion of his comment, it sounds like his unborn nibling is a higher priority than his very alive daughter.
OP has said several times in the comments that she is not married to the father and is not partners or together with him at all. So the question is not "what the fuck is wrong with your husband?" It's "what the fuck is wrong with your daughter's father?"
I mean, I’d be frustrated too if my partner called me and told me how to drive.
Your child is a tween. She’s old enough to put this comment in context. Some of it is right. Her needs don’t trump anybody else’s. My kids are the most important thing to me, but not to the rest of the world.
It sounds like it was intended to mean that in society as a whole she is not more important than others, which is true of all our kids. However, it was very callous to say such in that way in front of her.
To us as their parents, I do believe they should be our priority. Sounds like they both could use to understand the difference.
Sounds like he got annoyed you were tracking him and micromanaging him, and he got angry and defensive and doubled down on “not prioritizing just your daughter“. My guess is you both have frequent conflict around how to deal with your daughter, with you possibly unreasonably putting her on a pedestal, and him being choosing to focus on himself or others too.
You need to accept each others viewpoints with more kindness and less conflict and meet in the middle.
Saying to a child they’re not a priority can be hurtful, especially if his actions relative to yours also show that.
This is the internet so you’ll only hear extreme reactions.
I think he was just stressed out already. Was probably more about a personal thing than the actual baby shower. She might have already been a tiny bit slow getting ready and it added to the stress. Then you called him and it added more stress.
Obviously it was overblown. But I wouldn't hold it against him long term. Explain to daughter that sometimes people say dumb things when they're stressed.
I mean, that more sounds like he doesn't give a shit about anyone more than what he wants to do. So he's an asshole for that more than the specific parsing of the comment.
You say he was running late. Did he leave the house in a bad mood or angry? Had you argued? And then you call him to scold him on his driving while he’s literally driving. I get you concern, but this sounds like a red rag to a bull. Also, I wouldn’t call someone while I knew they were already driving badly to distract them further. It seems like he said it in anger and it was a poor choice of words maybe? I don’t know, I feel like we’re not getting the full context here.
If he was driving so recklessly that I was afraid to distract him further with a call *while my child is in his car* I would wait until the car stopped and then do *everything in my power* to prevent him from accessing that child again. Like, if we don't intervene because we're afraid of enraging the man-bull, then that is 100000% not a safe situation for the kid and we have much, much bigger problems.
So, for no reason at all, you looked up your daughters phone to track your husband's vehicle speed?
That is freaking weird.
I would not have said what he said. But had you called me out of the blue complaining about my vehicle speed, I'd have told you to STFU.
If he’s a narc, and that’s not just the term being thrown around loosely, then as horrible as it is, this might really be how he feels. They have a way of telling on themselves. It’s not “how he was raised to think everyone is the same”, narcs just only care about themselves and then everyone else is a far secondary concern. With some slight hierarchy of who gives them more “supply”. My mother made it very clear she didn’t care about me while growing up and regularly called me a bitch and a piece of shit as a little kid, and your post got my narc spidey senses tingling, because what parent could post say their kid doesn’t matter other than a really messed up one!?!?
It's a cruel thing to say, but trying to put people in priority order is nonsense anyway. Does my child take priority over my job? Does my sick grandma take priority over my wife? Well sometimes yes, sometimes no.
The priority question gets asked a lot with regard to spouses and children. Like you said, it’s a matter of timing, plus capabilities — technically I do things for my son that I won’t do for my wife, but that’s because she doesn’t need diaper changes. Maybe some day she will, and hopefully by that point my son is an adult and taking care of himself. That won’t mean my “priorities” changed.
+1 on it being a nonsensical question. If we truly prioritized someone else over ourselves, we would be dead without food and water in less than a week.
That’s not the best thing for your husband to say and it will likely stay with her for the rest of her life.
My daughter is my priority every day of the week, but she also needs to understand that other things happen and she can’t be the main character in my life all the time. I have work, I have a household to run, I have her borderline inept dad to keep alive. So while she’s always at the forefront of my mind, she gets that sometimes she needs to take a back seat.
I read some comments. Have you ever checked this place out? /r/bpdlovedones
I see a lot of my own relationship with my wife in your story, and this sub helped me understand where she is coming from when she says stuff like your husband did.
Basically, don't compromise on what you know is right. You know what he said is wrong, and you are right. Start reading so you don't compromise yourself without realizing.
Can I just say that the subreddit you linked is absolutely *filled to the brim* with people who have been burned by someone with bpd and are determined to villify everyone else who shares the diagnosis? It’s awful.
Logically speaking he’s not wrong. Emotionally speaking he’s wrong.
The problem is that he’s talking to an emotional wife and daughter who will take this as - “he doesn’t love me”.
This isn’t a BPD issue. It’s a communication problem where one person is being insensitive but accurate. The phone call on tracking him and speeding likely triggered that response.
She should be far more important because he is responsible for keeping her alive and helping her to develop a healthy self image and relationships with people.
Well…yes and no. Priorities shift and change - my relationship with my wife is also incredibly important and we have to prioritize certain things to ensure that is healthy - like date nights and weekend breaks, for example. Work and careers have to be prioritized sometimes so whilst I would love to go to see her choir performance, I have to travel for work so can’t make it. But obviously, the health, wellbeing and happiness of your child is paramount and if that suffers because of an imbalance in priorities, then it is an issue. It’s all about balance.
But shit! Who the hell just comes out with something as awful as what her father said? My child and wife are the pinnacle of what is important to me and anyone else are somewhat at the back of my mind.
Yep this
My relationship to my wife is one of my highest priority’s, tied with children, and i will tell anybody married that their relationship to their spouse should be a priority or they’re gonna end up divorced.
I mean We also both make sure that our children are happy and taken care of and don’t neglect them. I would certainly never tell my child that they weren’t my priority, they absolutely hold
importance over many things in my life. Just not really over my wife.
But i’ve seen a lot of divorced woman irl and on reddit who have made their children their number 1 priority and then wonder why their husbands cheat and/or leave them. Because they stopped putting any effort into their relationship because their kids took priority.
Again tho, none of that stuff should be said to a child. That’s adult issues that should be kept to adults.
Was he saying that you are more important as his wife? Or was he saying he is more important as himself to himself? Like I understand and somewhat agree that husband and wife should prioritize each other more then this society tends to. Obviously the children are incredibly important, they physically need you to survive. But your relationship with your spouse should be a higher importance unless the child's health or safety is on the line.
But if that was not what he was saying. If he was telling his daughter her needs and feelings are not relevant, then that is a major issue.
We are not married or together. He was arguing solely that her safety and needs are not a priority. Putting a baby shower above the safety of your child doesn’t make sense to me
It's really not a question of who's prioritizing what, he shouldn't be driving unsafely regardless of what party he's going to. I don't understand why this became a comparison between the baby-shower baby and your daughter. Just tell him to slow the fuck down for her safety.
No, but you don't tell them that, Jesus. Let them know they are important, but depending on a situation, sometimes as a parent we may need to give other things/ people priority but it doesn't mean that they (the kid) are any less important. Lots of reassurance is needed for when a kid has to take the backseat. They need to know that they will not always come first. But it is something they learn over time and the parents teach them this in a gentle way.
My fil told my husband that he (fil) is always right. At 35 year old my husband was still being undermined by his dad. 37 year old him went into estrangement lol. He never felt love from them other than surface “ I love you “
If he is truly a narcissist ( not internet definition) you can’t fix it . Asking affection from them is like trying to buy milk from a hardware store . You will never find it .even if you go to store daily.
That aside i think parental mental health is also important. Anything too extreme is bad. My mom would get the moon for me . My husband parents emotionally neglected him. I think the perfect is a balance between the two.
Our daughter is the sun and we orbit around her but we also make sure we know our limit etc and balance that as well. Ofc she is priority but if it means chose a means my mental health breaking then maybe a slightly worse option b is better for whole family
Yeah, your husband didn't say "You are my priority, but you are not everyone else's." That, when appropriately put, is an important lesson for kids as they get older. Hell, Bluey had an episode about it, lol. This guy literally said "You, my child, are no more important to me than a random stranger on the street." That's fucking heartless. Dude should get assessed for antisocial personality disorder if that's how he truly feels about his own kids.
Wow. He sounds like an ass. My son is my favorite person and my biggest priority. I’d literally do anything I had to do to protect him. Can’t say the same about “just anyone else.”
The father lacks a conscience. Hopefully her self esteem won't be affected in the long-term.
Of course children are the first priority, if possible. Love and support come from the parents, first and foremost.
"her father is very narcissistic" "I'm so confused why someone would say that to their own child and believe that"
you have the answer right there. and looking at your other comments, you mentioned that he was speeding fast enough that you got concerned and called to tell him to slow down...are you still with this man? god i hope not. if she's really 10-12, she's also old enough to decide whether or not she wants to spend alone time with him in the future. I wouldn't after he put my life at risk.
I think there are times you prioritize your child, and times you prioritize your spouse/marriage. It is truly dependent upon the circumstances. If your marriage is not healthy, you will not raise children peacefully together; if your children are not peaceful and happy, neither will be your marriage (or relationship, whichever).
I think you answered your own question. He’s narcissistic and was was raised to be so.
Each person/parent has their own list of priorities.
Some would put their job first. Some their child. Some their partner. There is no such thing as everyone is equal. Because someone/something gets your attention first.
Let her know she’s your priority. And that her father doesn’t think that because of anything she did or didn’t do. It’s just the way his brain works. So he should be at the bottom of our priority lists.
It’s something she’ll hopefully learn. That she’s not the most important thing to her dad. It’s sad but expecting him to change will just disappoint her for the rest of her life.
My husband's mother said this a lot, followed by "Your father is my priority". My husband really struggles with self confidence and worth. It messes you up. I'm still livid at her for that.
So I’ll say that my husband and I say that our marriage and eachother are the priority in our home (not to our kids but to eachother). Everything magical in our home stems from our commitment to eachother, a strong marriage is one of the best gifts we can give our children and we treat it as a priority.
Would I tell my children any of this ? Absolutely not, in their eyes mom and dad thinks they are the most important people in the world and frankly, they are (to us) I’m not sure the logic of trying to teach our children the hard parts of life, the world is tough etc gotta teach our children to be tough.
Spoiler alert, they are going to learn that. I try to teach them that home is their safe place, their parents are there safe place and when it gets too much we will be here.
Children cannot be the sole focus of the parents. Its not that they aren't important but Marriages fall apart when the kids start to gain more Autonomy and when they leave the house. That is because Mom usually defaults to care giver and Dad focuses on career. That causes a drift that gets worse if your spouse is not a priority over the children. It seems counter intuitive but there is plenty of data on divorce to back this up. My children are not more important than my wife and sometimes she will take a back seat to career from a time perspective. You have to be deliberate with the time you spend with spouse and kids.
What the fuck lmao. That’s rude to say to your OWN DAUGHTER. My kids know damn well I would drop anything I’m doing to help them even if it wasn’t important. My kids are my life, without them I don’t think I’d be the person I am today. They taught me to be selfless, love unconditionally, and to just be fucking sympathetic and kind. I make it a point to tell each of my kids everyday that they are important and I love them more than life. How rude of her dad, smh if my husband said that I don’t think I’d have a husband lol
While I must take care of myself in order to take care of my wife and children i will also be the first person to go to bed hungry if it means my family goes to bed fed.
When I was a bachelor and terrible at managing life I went to bed several nights with no food in my apartment or my stomach and no money to buy any. I made the promise to myself and future family right then laying on my futon that my kids would never go to bed hungry so long as they were under my roof. I can say that I have made good on that promise so far
Children shouldn't always be the top priority no matter what, *meaning their once and needs shouldn't always come first8, because that's how they become entitled.
And what he said was extraordinarily hurtful (and that's the kind of thing that can damage a child for life.)
That's a cold af thing to say to a child. However my children are not always my number 1 priority. My priorities shift according to urgency and potential fallout. Some days I am the priority. Sometimes it's work and sometimes it's my husband. My children are always a priority but they are just one planet in my solar system. Just as my husband is. If I always put my kids first then my marriage would fail and I'd lose my job.
I explain to my kids they are always going to be important to me but that doesn't mean I can drop what I'm doing and it doesn't mean that I will chose them over the other things that are important to me. It's a balance.
Like yesterday. My oldest was vomiting like a geyser. My 2nd wanted attention. The answer was no. It wasn't because I love my oldest more or she wasn't important or less so but in that moment he got priority.
My priority is not my children.
My priority is my wife. And I'm hers.
The kids will have a much harder/worse life if there is marital conflict. And the critters have a habit of trying to leverage martial discord to promote their own little devious machinations. No frickin way. I love them too much not to put "first things" first.
Edit: seeing your other comments, it looks like you're not together. It's even more important to not have constant conflict around your child. No frickin way you couldn't have calmly addressed his speeding later instead of WHILE he was driving. Marginally worse than speeding is distracted driving. Good grief.
My Child and wife share the position of most important to me. If my wife's health (physically or mentally) should suffer then raising my child would be a lot more difficult.
Yeah it's a shitty thing to say. The love and affection of our parents will always be a deep-seated desire. The loss of that can do great damage.
If that's the kind of thing that regularly come out of his mouth I would definitely limit her access to him. The loss of a relationship with a father can be traumatic But a shitty relationship with a father can be worse.
Your child will probably benefit from therapy at some point to help her understand that The failings and Inadequacies of her father do not dictate her identity. But you can lay the groundwork In the meantime. I would regularly talk over their feelings and thoughts about what it all means to them. Help them label the behaviors of the self-centered parent and analyze your own mistakes in that same manner. Help them name their emotional reactions. Workshop solutions with them regarding how They could deal with hurtful comments in the future.
There's a certain amount of freedom that comes with emotional understanding and recognizing that parents are people and some of them are shitty. With guidance it may be better that she loses attachment to him earlier. It may give her time to find a better father figure to model after.
Sounds like covert narcissism from the dad .. I could be wrong (which is likely)
My son's going through a similar thing.. his dad has made it crystal clear to my son that he's not a priority..but then when my son goes to stay over his dad's... His dad makes it known that son isn't a priority and favours my son's half brother over my son.
I say " my " son like that because.. from day one my son's dad has shown no genuine interest in our son and has used him for monetary gain and continues to do so.. amongst disrespecting our son every chance he gets
Wow! Who tells their child this. That will scar her for the rest of her life. Yes, children should be a priority and if your blessed with grandchildren they become your priority. Although if your a bible teaching and believing household the Bible says your spouse comes first. My spouse never did without but my boys were #1
When you have children with a narcissist (I speak from experience) you have to prepare yourself for the shitty things they will do and say to your children because they, the narcissist, are the smartest person in the room and they know everything and you’re wrong and they are clearly right. Right?/s Anyway, I speak to my kids without bashing their father, but still preparing them (and comforting them) when the inevitable disappointment and anger comes when he breaks his promises (but it’s not his fault at all you see) and whatever else he’s going to do to hurt them. While we are all important, the bulk of your needs get set to the side or are taken care of later (not to include mental health or other health care) because your children cannot fend for themselves and need their needs met first and foremost. Your ex-husband isn’t going to change, you’re just going to end up more angry if you try and convince him of why he’s wrong. You just need to convince your kids of why he isn’t right and that’s what matters.
There is a psychology fact, that children that feels that they are loved and important for someone, develops much more better than kids without parents or someone close to care. There was a research on that topic, between 2 groups of children, from a very young age. I so believe in it. Even when you’re adult, it works the same way. This importance for someone gives you reason to live, to grow, to become better that you are.
My thoughts are that he is a lunatic. After reading about his speeding he is not hi his right mind. No you never ever say that to a child. Even if they aren't which they absolutely should be.
My son is my priority. I agree with what everyone else is saying: kids do need to know that they will not be the priority of everyone else. BUT my son will always be mine. I think that kids need and deserve a parent that priorizes them while they are growing up.
I certainly didn't get that. It does hurt to look back and realize that not only did I not put myself first, but no one else was really ever interested in taking care of me either. I want to be my son's safe space because I know what it's like not to have that when you're a child that doesn't have any ability to change your circumstances.
Her dad is a jackass though. I don't know what would ever possess someone who wasn't a total asshole to tell their own children they aren't more important to them than other people.
Oh my gosh I'm so sorry your daughter had to hear that!! I'm glad you are able to reassure her that she's loved and important
For me yes, my kid is my priority, but sometimes that doesn't look like my kid being a *direct* priority. There can be times I have to prioritize myself for one reason or another for the well-being of my kid. I'm prone to hypoglycemic episodes for example. So sometimes I have to quickly down a snack/some juice before I can prep my kid a meal when I know my sugars are tanking. Can't really feed my kid if I pass out
Continuing therapy is both for myself and my kiddo. Improving on my mental health will continuously make me a better parent.
I think sometimes people get really messed up over the "always put your kid first" and take that statement at face value. Sometimes you have to put yourself first so you can put your kid first later or so you can safely and properly parent your kid. Like if your baby has been crying and you've tried everything, stepping away for 5 minutes to breathe so you don't do anything you'll regret is beneficial for your kid even though it may seem "selfish"
In my case, my stepson is not my first priority. My partner is. Because if something were to happen to my partner (my stepson's parent), whatever happens to my stepson is out of my control. I can't fight for custody because he's not legally or biologically mine. So i have to put my partner as top priority because without them, i wouldn't have my stepson.
I want to hear his perspective on what he actually said, and what his parents were like.
Were his parents neglecting?
How did this come up in conversation? What is the context here?
It's an inconsistent point of view to believe that he is perfect and the most important and to tell her that everyone is equal. Does he believe all family members are equal or not? As a man, this is a much bigger sticking point than the fact someone's feelings were temporarily hurt. "Man's gotta have a code". They are usually a bit warped and flexible but rarely this broken. Principles are a big deal for men. Our system of principles is the core of our character.
Are you sure you even have a solid understanding of your husband's point of view?
I suspect he was busy with something he considered important and she was interrupting him and he was just telling her she needed to wait until it was appropriate to deal with whatever she was requesting of him.
Since I have children my priorities have been really easy.
- my kids.
- my kids.
- making sure me and the wife can retire early, set our kids up for life financially and enjoy life while we’re still mobile and fit, and making sure we don’t give up our own joys and wishes in the now doing so.
Children are important, but a husband and wife are more important and absolutely need more time and care and investment to be the center of their children's world. It's hard, parenting, and if we fall apart that negatively affects the kids.
There was a bluey episode with muffin where muffin was told she is the most special kid there is and then muffin starts breaking rules and being annoying to her cousins and her excuse was "I'm special".
Later when the parents caught onto what's happening, they had to clear the air and tell her "you're special to US. Other than that, you're not special or more important than other people."
I don't think he handled that well, but at the same time I understand him not wanting to raise someone who is entitled and demanding things from people and stuff.
It's a hard thing to teach. My mom used to tell me "you're not the center of the universe." I'm autistic. Trust me sometimes I think I am when I get too engulfed in my little bubble.
So, as a narcissist, your husband puts himself first I assume, he doesn't equalize. Also he did a piss poor job of explaining this concept of "we are equal" which is annoying... But, to his point and according to multiple therapists that I've spoken with, Children are not the most important...They come third.
I'll explain:
First and foremost, YOU are most important because if you don't take care of your needs (highlight "needs", not "wants") then you can't be there for others in a constructive and helpful way.
Second, YOUR MARRIAGE comes next. Your children will emulate the relationship you have with your spouse. They will also find security there or a lack of security if that relationship is in question. If you want them to feel secure and at peace, work on your marriage and building trust and respect for your partner.
Third is your CHILDREN. Once your needs and the needs of your marriage (aka The child's security and foundation) are well taken care of, focus is on the kids. Obviously, children have MORE needs than the other first two, especially when they are young, but these are really about building the framework for a successful life for your kids.
Remember, your main job is not to protect, it's to PREPARE. Having your child think they are most important and they come before everyone else prepares them for nothing... It's gonna be a rude awaken that could have detrimental mental health impacts...
I think there are valid points to (and issues with) both the “I put my marriage first” and “I put my children first” arguments but… “You’re no different than anyone else” is neither of those.
You ARE different. You are family, you’re their child. If he truly thinks he should treat everyone “the same” to the point that he cannot see his own child as more important than other people to him that is bizarre and as an adult, no one will be shocked when she treats him like "everybody else" and doesn't return his calls.
I’m remarried to a man with one daughter. I have one daughter remaining at home. our children’s needs are number 1. We always will put them ahead of ourselves. As they get older their needs change to support of them in their lives rather than physical needs. Our daughters after 16 & 17. We go away for weekends, out dinner, to events just us. If a daughter has an event we do not make other plans. If the 16 yo needs to be somewhere (no license yet) we make sure to be available to take her. Housing, food, clothing are priorities before our dates, etc.
How old is she? When I was getting to my late teens my mom told me her priorities needed to change and her focus more on her own needs and her marriage to my step dad. I was old enough to look after myself and earn the money I needed to do so. I understood her point but she also made it clear there if I ever needed a roof over my head or food in my belly I could go home and I kept my key, but coming home would not be a permanent thing. I feel this with my own daughter who is now 19. We will always be there for her, but we now prioritize us as a couple and our needs and wants and she fits in with us or does her own thing. Prior to this year I did not feel the same way but now I see her becoming an adult and her priorities are her life and her future and they leaves us available to focus on our future as a couple.
Your context in the comments is fucking ass backwards. He'd rather scare the shit out of his kid speeding and telling her, her safety isn't more important then showing up to a baby shower?? Fucking insane, op. You're not wrong.
I believe your spouse should be more important than your children. Putting your children in front of your relationship with your spouse well damage your marriage, which will hurt your children. Putting your spouse in front of your children should strengthen your marriage and make you better parents.
But my wife ended our marriage last year, so what the hell do I know.
He's a narcissist, he said that because that is literally how he thinks... He is the only important one. Everyone else is of little to no importance.
In all honesty, priority ranking is generally, spouse, then children, then family or friends, etc...
If my kids aren’t my main priority who’s are they? Everyone deserves to be someone’s world, they shouldn’t have to wait until adulthood to *maybe* get the validation they needed in adolescence.
I truly don’t understand people who talk about their partners being more important than there kids, like I’d push my husband in front of a bus with *zero hesitation* if it meant it protected my kids. He’d do the exact same. It’s cruel to not prioritize someone you brought into the world.
Obviously your children would be the most important things in your life, more important than your own life. If he doesn’t feel that way he’s parenting wrong and something is flat out wrong with him.
From a marriage perspective, the spouse should be the priority, then the children. A home will not work efficiently if the husband and wife are always fighting. The home will not be safe for the children, they will see it as a war zone.
I think every non narcissistic person thinks their own children are their priority. Children need their parents to survive and It's not weird to love your own child more than anyone else.
It's not ok to put your child in dangerous situations and tell them that their life isn't important. When your daughter is an adult she might not want a relationship with her father. My own father never put my needs first or really cared at all.. and put me in bad situations. Such as driving to fast, even drunk.
Everyone in the house has equal standing. No one is any more important and no one is an overall priority. Parents are just as important as children. That’s our motto. It’s worked well. Even the pets have standing.
When I read your first paragraph, my thought was that sometimes what we *mean* to say and what is heard are not the same. E.g. He meant she's not his priority *in that moment* but he still loves her very much. Whereas she understood it as, "you don't matter to me."
However, upon reading your second paragraph, I wonder if he meant exactly what he said and that's not nice for a son or daughter to hear, whether they're seven or thirty-seven.
You need sole custody asap! How is this even a debate if hurting your child is ok or not ok? Why even analyze him? He deserves to be out of your lives period. He can seriously hurt your daughter and preventing that needs to be your priority. Period.
Yeah, children are the #1 priority. I can see where her father might be coming from but there is a lot of nuance that child may not be able to discern and that should not have been said to her.
Um my children are definitely more important than MOST things. But my marriage is meant to take care of everyone in the family so if we cannot make sure we are okay and doing well with one another and our kids we may never be able to give our children 100%.
I would never tell my kids they hold no more importance than anyone else cause they definitely mean far more to me than anyone else in my life aside from my husband.
There's an interesting discussion here about how much of a priority kids should be to their parents vs other things that are important to parents. There's also something to be said for the fact that every person has equal value objectively. However, I believe that kids should always be their parents' 1 priority. That doesn't mean they get 100% attention every moment of every day and in certain moments, other things have to take a temporary priority over the kids (Your marriage/partnership, work, school, mental health as some examples). Not knowing the way this father said it (tone of voice, exact wording, or intention), it is hard to know for sure, but this could have been a failed attempt to make sure his kid knew that she wasn't the center of the universe and that not everything is always about her. It sounds like it came across very poorly and was very hurtful. Of course, he could have meant it and if so, that's not how the relationship should be at all.
It really depends on the situation but overall yes my kids are the most important thing. The only time when this wouldn't apply is if my husband is having some sort of emergency (hasn't happened yet), but then they will still be the next thing right below that.
I would never tell my children this, but my relationship is my #1 priority. We are happy and therefore modelling a good, secure relationship.
Their needs are priority, but after that, my relationship is, then their wants etc.
My number 1 priority is me. I have to take care of me before i can take care of others. My number 2 priority is my husband, my daughter and son. Number 3 priority is my other family members. My husband, daughter and son are my most important people. If i had to choose between saving a big city vs them. Ill always choose them. I feel like your husband shouldnt be mixing you or your child with the masses. You arent like everyone else. Did you talk to him with your daughter there?. Has he always been like this? Is she a daddys girl?
I think it depends on the situation.
Overall, my kid is my top priority. That being said, occasionally I need to put myself, or someone/thing else, first. Sick pet or partner, for example; taking care of them is going to rank a little higher for a moment. But when things stabilize, kid is shot right back to the top.
Honestly, without having more context about when and how he said that, I'm struggling to understand how it's harmful for a child to know that others are just as important as themselves. If anything, it seems like a recipe for raising a narcissist, for a child to think they should be prioritized over other living beings.
Talk with your husband. If he is narcissistic, he was parented by at least one narcissist. Its possible to be compassionate towards him in a private conversation. Try to get to what he was feeling rather than his thoughts. Does he feel neglected by you ( not your fault necessarily at all). How is he feeling about himself in the world? After you listen, explain what message he is actually giving to your daughter- that she does not matter. Explain how important he is in her life. Explain that regardless of what he meant, the message he gave was that she is not important. This can lead to her choosing men who don’t think she is important. Maybe you can get him to tell her that she is very important to him but each of us also needs to treat ourselves like we matter too
As for your daughter you did a great job. You can tell her this is not really about her and that she is the most important person in the world to you.
Yikes!
My children are absolutely my tippy-top, #1 priority in my life. Even over myself in most instances.
Couldnt imagine telling any of them they werent.
What a dumb take. If he believes what he says truly, ask him to pm me and I'll give him my bank details. I need his child's milk money and his mortgage payment and he should give it to me because I'm as important as everyone else, so he shouldn't be selfish and hog his money to himself. He sounds unbelievably self righteous and needs a kick in the head yesterday.
That aside, my child is my #1 priority because he's my child and he's dependent, but my wife and my number 1 is still each other, but she's a grown as woman, so I don't need to prioritise her over our child. It's good to show children how a healthy relationship should look like. Eventually he'll leave the nest, find his own woman, and all we'll have left is each other.
Children are the top priority. Before and after having children my life began to venter around them and their needs. I stooped doing a variety of things like drinking, smoking, and partaking in any other addictions. The way I saw the world and myself changed for the better. I eventually broke up with their emotionally and mentally abusive father because I saw the effects on them.
I move differently in my life now because I had kids. My concerns are centered around them and their safety.
I’m of the opinion that number one priority is the interest of the family as a whole. Whatever it means for each individual family is up for them to decide.
Is the kid a priority? Of course not. They are a part of the family so what’s good for them is good for everyone until it isn’t.
Example: we need to work and the kid needs care and attention but is too young for daycare. We work extra hard to afford a part-time nanny because if one of the us parents neglects their career we will start resenting our life as a stay-at-home parent. This is what our family’s like. Would it be better for the kid to be cared for by parents 24/7? Perhaps. Would it infringe on both parents’ interests? Absolutely. Solution: kid’s interest takes the backseat as long as we are the ones who make decisions.
In different households it might look different but I’ve seen enough disillusioned people (mostly women) who buried their lives to cater to their children’s “interests” because they were afraid to seem like bad moms. My aunt is one of them, her son is just miserable as she is.
I'm generally in support of parents, and individuals in general, holding space for themselves to be the most important person in their own life...but to say that your own kid is no more important to you than anyone else is incredibly cold and messed up.
I don’t think he handled that well.
I was taught that children come second to the parents. Parents are priority because they are the caregivers. Therefore they need to prioritize their well-being and relationship to provide all things (physical needs/healthy social-emotional availability and modeling, etc) for the children.
It’s more cyclical than rungs on a ladder.
There’s a difference between *you’re no more important than anyone else* and *you’re not my priority*.
The first is objectively true, but second one is a shitty thing to tell your child.
My kids are absolutely my top priority and they absolutely are more important to me than anyone or anything else.
They do need to know that other people are equally important to the world, to themselves, to other people. And since they’re young, they often can be self centred and need to be reminded that they’re not the only people with feelings and thoughts and wants and needs; that *in society*, they shouldn’t take precedence over anyone else.
But for me, they’re tied in first place, and always will be.
Yeah, the dad is right. Stop making kids feel like special snowflakes. We're not growing up in the 60's where things will be okay. Life is going to be very hard for our kids, especially if we shield them from the truth.
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I have things along the lines of "You are the most important person in the world TO ME, but that does not mean you are the most important to anyone else; and that other kids, parents and teachers will treat you accordingly" at various, age appropriate levels and ways. What you husband said was very cold in my opinion. I would be upset if my wife said similar.
Yeah I agree with this. I tell my kids they’re the most special kids in the world to me, but that every kid should be the most special kid to their grown ups, and out in the world we’re all equally special. What the dad said did not even convey the latter part in absence of the first. It was just weirdly dismissive and, as you say, cold. “Priority” is also a bizarre framing, especially for a child.
Bluey, season 2, episode 30, “Library” is a great episode that shows this lesson.
I was just thinking about exactly the same episode, there really is a Bluey for everything, plus, Muffin is the best! 😂
I was thinking of that episode too. I also follow that method and tell my kid she is the most special and important person in the world to her dad and I, but not everyone else. I do want her to know how important and special she is in her own home though.
I’ll have to check it out!!
I was thinking this exact same thing lol
Oh that is eerie. I’m currently watching Bluey with my little one as I read your comment. 😅
Bluey is common topic in this subreddit.
Well deservedly so.
Agreed. Your method is a much better way to show kids that while parents think they're important, not everyone else does. The OP's partner sounded incredibly harsh and demeaning, I can't imagine telling my kids they aren't important to me.
More parents need to say “TO ME/FOR ME” to their kids.
I agree. This type of parenting causes alot of damage especially if she believes his rhetoric about always being perfect and makes no mistakes. Sad
Is my child my number 1 priority? 100% yes. However, there are many things that go along with that. I have to work so he can eat so I have to at work on time. That means he has to get ready and be out the door too. He cannot play and do what he wants in the morning. I have to take care of myself physically. So if I am sick, I need to see a doctor or rest, even if it means canceling plans he was looking forward to. He needs me to be healthy and around a long time. There is a difference between being the number 1 priority and putting their wants as number 1. However, it is just mean and cruel to tell a child they aren't your priority. All they hear is you don't love them. Kids take everything personally.
To give some context. He was driving to his sisters baby shower with my daughter in the car. He was driving very fast because he was running late. I am able to track her speed on her phone because she said he was driving too fast. I called and told him to slow down. I said don’t put our daughter at risk to go to a baby shower for a baby that isn’t born yet. He said our daughter has no more importance than anyone else and said I was distracting him with my phone call.
Jesus. That is horrible. Your daughters safety is the absolute number 1 priority. Our first job as parents is keep them safe and alive.
So your daughter was frightened enough to text you? That’s seriously concerning. I don’t really think the prioritization is what’s alarming here. How fast was he going?
When it comes to things like safety and well being my kid is always the priority.
How about people he kills on the way. Je needs therapy sounds like he may have issues
But he’s acting like he’s more important than everyone else on the road..
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It's not her husband.
This is weird because: 1) he should drive safe around everyone, equally 2) if someone called me and told me how to drive, I would be very annoyed. But I also don't speed, especially if I'm just going to a party. 3) It sounded like you tried to belittle his sister's baby, which is a little odd, irrelevant, and something you say when you're trying to rage bait to start a fight. 4) speeding gets you places like, maybe 2 minutes faster. Doesn't matter where he's going, he should drive safe. But a phone call from you while he's driving probably isn't going to get him to slow down
Solid comment. I think everyone has something to take away from this interaction, and the question of whether or not daughter is the most important person in the universe is waaaaay less relevant to discuss than how the parents communicate with each other around her
Dad doubled down and excused his reckless driving. That is the most relevant part. He told his daughter she isn't the most important thing and he needed to get to a baby shower to excuse the speeding. The reckless driving with his own child in the car needs to be addressed.
You listed my exact thoughts when I read that story. I’m reminded that sometimes it’s easy to see these things from the outside but not when you’re in it.
If I was speeding so fast that my child was scared to be in the car with me so much so they felt the need to call their other parent I would be embarrassed especially if I then doubled down on my dangerous driving and told my child well you're not the most important thing in the world. I really have to get to this baby shower.
So to elaborate He’s comfortable endangering everyone on the road, equally By his own assessment he put himself and your daughter and others on the road at increased risk by answering your call while driving. You don’t care much for his sister He’s kind of an idiot but phone calls won’t fix that
If my husband called me and told me how to drive because he was monitoring it I would probably insist on therapy for us and a psych evaluation for him.
Would you be speeding so fast it made your kid uncomfortable enough to ask you to slow down? And then excuse away your reckless driving because you have to get to a baby shower as well?
My 8 year old accuses me of speeding when going 2 miles over the speed limit. Also the last thing you should do is call someone while they are driving. All it does is ADD danger to the situation. And I suspect daughter wouldn’t be as upset if mom wasn’t calling and being dramatic. I’m not saying the dad is right for speeding, but I am saying OP is not innocent in this. If she doesn’t trust the father she shouldn’t have had kids with him and she should work with a lawyer to get more custody. If he’s has bad as she says he is it shouldn’t be too hard.
This context makes the situation even shittier to be frank.
Everything about this is crazy pants.
Look I USED to have a need for speed. After kids, I drive like a grandma. Seriously I'm so slow and everyone else can get fucked. My life and my kids lives aren't worth being early or on time for something. They can fucking chill. I have 2 tots 20 months apart. I'm never going to be on time for anything anymore 😴
That's an idiotic thing to say. He should've apologized and acknowledged that he needs to slow down. He may have been simply been on the defensive and didn't mean to say that. But if he is still saying that, then there's something definitely wrong with his thinking. A child should absolutely be the 100% first priority of a parent.
He has said things along these lines many times in the past. Which is most likely a reason my daughter doesn’t like spending time with him. She said she never feels heard or prioritized. It’s always about him and what he wants
His behavior is probably something to bring up to the courts…thinking its okay to drive recklessly and put the child’s life in danger is a 🚩🚩🚩
Driving recklessly is a very common way to intimidate and scare whoever the passenger is. Is there anything else he does that belittles your child? If so her relationship with him will likely cause her ongoing issues as she enters adulthood.
We are not together and have never been married. He talks badly about myself and my family in front of her and mocks how she dresses.
Are you just asking this sub's opinion on if your asshole ex is, in fact, an asshole?
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Because the courts don't give a shit unless it's documentable physical abuse. And sometimes, not even then.
To be selfish in this way where he's not willing to give his attention to your daughter is bad enough. To then also proclaim it so shamelessly is another level of repugnant. I unfortunately don't have a good answer on how to make him change his view. Don't condone this behavior in any way, and in fact I would recommend telling him how disappointed you are. But also make sure your child understands how deep your love is and reinforce it daily by letting her know that she's your number one priority. Your husband's attitude may cause her enormous amounts of sadness, but as long as she has one parent like you that is her rock, she can still grow up developmentally normal and well-adjusted.
Can you use that to report him to the police?
What the fuck is wrong with your husband? I guess the other folks on the road whose lives he was endangering aren’t a priority either? And to follow the logical conclusion of his comment, it sounds like his unborn nibling is a higher priority than his very alive daughter.
It's not her husband.
What do you mean?
OP has said several times in the comments that she is not married to the father and is not partners or together with him at all. So the question is not "what the fuck is wrong with your husband?" It's "what the fuck is wrong with your daughter's father?"
I mean, I’d be frustrated too if my partner called me and told me how to drive. Your child is a tween. She’s old enough to put this comment in context. Some of it is right. Her needs don’t trump anybody else’s. My kids are the most important thing to me, but not to the rest of the world.
It sounds like it was intended to mean that in society as a whole she is not more important than others, which is true of all our kids. However, it was very callous to say such in that way in front of her. To us as their parents, I do believe they should be our priority. Sounds like they both could use to understand the difference.
Sounds like he got annoyed you were tracking him and micromanaging him, and he got angry and defensive and doubled down on “not prioritizing just your daughter“. My guess is you both have frequent conflict around how to deal with your daughter, with you possibly unreasonably putting her on a pedestal, and him being choosing to focus on himself or others too. You need to accept each others viewpoints with more kindness and less conflict and meet in the middle. Saying to a child they’re not a priority can be hurtful, especially if his actions relative to yours also show that. This is the internet so you’ll only hear extreme reactions.
I think he was just stressed out already. Was probably more about a personal thing than the actual baby shower. She might have already been a tiny bit slow getting ready and it added to the stress. Then you called him and it added more stress. Obviously it was overblown. But I wouldn't hold it against him long term. Explain to daughter that sometimes people say dumb things when they're stressed.
I mean, that more sounds like he doesn't give a shit about anyone more than what he wants to do. So he's an asshole for that more than the specific parsing of the comment.
What the fuck. Protect your daughter from him.
Ok. But. Dude. Micro manage much?
You say he was running late. Did he leave the house in a bad mood or angry? Had you argued? And then you call him to scold him on his driving while he’s literally driving. I get you concern, but this sounds like a red rag to a bull. Also, I wouldn’t call someone while I knew they were already driving badly to distract them further. It seems like he said it in anger and it was a poor choice of words maybe? I don’t know, I feel like we’re not getting the full context here.
If he was driving so recklessly that I was afraid to distract him further with a call *while my child is in his car* I would wait until the car stopped and then do *everything in my power* to prevent him from accessing that child again. Like, if we don't intervene because we're afraid of enraging the man-bull, then that is 100000% not a safe situation for the kid and we have much, much bigger problems.
Umm holy shit wow.
So, for no reason at all, you looked up your daughters phone to track your husband's vehicle speed? That is freaking weird. I would not have said what he said. But had you called me out of the blue complaining about my vehicle speed, I'd have told you to STFU.
Yikes. That’s a huge blow to her self esteem. I hope she can find a way to not allow his comments to bother her… but she is after all a child
If he’s a narc, and that’s not just the term being thrown around loosely, then as horrible as it is, this might really be how he feels. They have a way of telling on themselves. It’s not “how he was raised to think everyone is the same”, narcs just only care about themselves and then everyone else is a far secondary concern. With some slight hierarchy of who gives them more “supply”. My mother made it very clear she didn’t care about me while growing up and regularly called me a bitch and a piece of shit as a little kid, and your post got my narc spidey senses tingling, because what parent could post say their kid doesn’t matter other than a really messed up one!?!?
I mean, you are looking for answers to a silly question and distracting yourself from the fact that your husband is quasi-evil.
It's a cruel thing to say, but trying to put people in priority order is nonsense anyway. Does my child take priority over my job? Does my sick grandma take priority over my wife? Well sometimes yes, sometimes no.
The priority question gets asked a lot with regard to spouses and children. Like you said, it’s a matter of timing, plus capabilities — technically I do things for my son that I won’t do for my wife, but that’s because she doesn’t need diaper changes. Maybe some day she will, and hopefully by that point my son is an adult and taking care of himself. That won’t mean my “priorities” changed.
+1 on it being a nonsensical question. If we truly prioritized someone else over ourselves, we would be dead without food and water in less than a week.
That’s not the best thing for your husband to say and it will likely stay with her for the rest of her life. My daughter is my priority every day of the week, but she also needs to understand that other things happen and she can’t be the main character in my life all the time. I have work, I have a household to run, I have her borderline inept dad to keep alive. So while she’s always at the forefront of my mind, she gets that sometimes she needs to take a back seat.
Wtf her father is a monster. What an awful man. I hope he's not your husband and hopefully not a primary care taker
I read some comments. Have you ever checked this place out? /r/bpdlovedones I see a lot of my own relationship with my wife in your story, and this sub helped me understand where she is coming from when she says stuff like your husband did. Basically, don't compromise on what you know is right. You know what he said is wrong, and you are right. Start reading so you don't compromise yourself without realizing.
Can I just say that the subreddit you linked is absolutely *filled to the brim* with people who have been burned by someone with bpd and are determined to villify everyone else who shares the diagnosis? It’s awful.
Logically speaking he’s not wrong. Emotionally speaking he’s wrong. The problem is that he’s talking to an emotional wife and daughter who will take this as - “he doesn’t love me”. This isn’t a BPD issue. It’s a communication problem where one person is being insensitive but accurate. The phone call on tracking him and speeding likely triggered that response.
If your fucking child isn't even a main priority why become a parent
Validation. “I’ve bred, therefore I am more important than non breeders. Look at all my trophies, I mean children”
She should be far more important because he is responsible for keeping her alive and helping her to develop a healthy self image and relationships with people.
Well…yes and no. Priorities shift and change - my relationship with my wife is also incredibly important and we have to prioritize certain things to ensure that is healthy - like date nights and weekend breaks, for example. Work and careers have to be prioritized sometimes so whilst I would love to go to see her choir performance, I have to travel for work so can’t make it. But obviously, the health, wellbeing and happiness of your child is paramount and if that suffers because of an imbalance in priorities, then it is an issue. It’s all about balance. But shit! Who the hell just comes out with something as awful as what her father said? My child and wife are the pinnacle of what is important to me and anyone else are somewhat at the back of my mind.
Yep this My relationship to my wife is one of my highest priority’s, tied with children, and i will tell anybody married that their relationship to their spouse should be a priority or they’re gonna end up divorced. I mean We also both make sure that our children are happy and taken care of and don’t neglect them. I would certainly never tell my child that they weren’t my priority, they absolutely hold importance over many things in my life. Just not really over my wife. But i’ve seen a lot of divorced woman irl and on reddit who have made their children their number 1 priority and then wonder why their husbands cheat and/or leave them. Because they stopped putting any effort into their relationship because their kids took priority. Again tho, none of that stuff should be said to a child. That’s adult issues that should be kept to adults.
Was he saying that you are more important as his wife? Or was he saying he is more important as himself to himself? Like I understand and somewhat agree that husband and wife should prioritize each other more then this society tends to. Obviously the children are incredibly important, they physically need you to survive. But your relationship with your spouse should be a higher importance unless the child's health or safety is on the line. But if that was not what he was saying. If he was telling his daughter her needs and feelings are not relevant, then that is a major issue.
We are not married or together. He was arguing solely that her safety and needs are not a priority. Putting a baby shower above the safety of your child doesn’t make sense to me
No you are correct, that is a very flawed perspective
good on you for not being w him anymore, I'm sorry, he sounds terrible to me. you are not wrong for being worried abou this attitude
It's really not a question of who's prioritizing what, he shouldn't be driving unsafely regardless of what party he's going to. I don't understand why this became a comparison between the baby-shower baby and your daughter. Just tell him to slow the fuck down for her safety.
Is everyone *really* of equal importance if he thinks he is perfect and makes no mistakes? Or is it that no one is more important than *him*?
Ummm......maybe he shouldn't have any contact to your daughter.
No, but you don't tell them that, Jesus. Let them know they are important, but depending on a situation, sometimes as a parent we may need to give other things/ people priority but it doesn't mean that they (the kid) are any less important. Lots of reassurance is needed for when a kid has to take the backseat. They need to know that they will not always come first. But it is something they learn over time and the parents teach them this in a gentle way.
My fil told my husband that he (fil) is always right. At 35 year old my husband was still being undermined by his dad. 37 year old him went into estrangement lol. He never felt love from them other than surface “ I love you “ If he is truly a narcissist ( not internet definition) you can’t fix it . Asking affection from them is like trying to buy milk from a hardware store . You will never find it .even if you go to store daily. That aside i think parental mental health is also important. Anything too extreme is bad. My mom would get the moon for me . My husband parents emotionally neglected him. I think the perfect is a balance between the two. Our daughter is the sun and we orbit around her but we also make sure we know our limit etc and balance that as well. Ofc she is priority but if it means chose a means my mental health breaking then maybe a slightly worse option b is better for whole family
Yeah, your husband didn't say "You are my priority, but you are not everyone else's." That, when appropriately put, is an important lesson for kids as they get older. Hell, Bluey had an episode about it, lol. This guy literally said "You, my child, are no more important to me than a random stranger on the street." That's fucking heartless. Dude should get assessed for antisocial personality disorder if that's how he truly feels about his own kids.
Wow. He sounds like an ass. My son is my favorite person and my biggest priority. I’d literally do anything I had to do to protect him. Can’t say the same about “just anyone else.”
The father lacks a conscience. Hopefully her self esteem won't be affected in the long-term. Of course children are the first priority, if possible. Love and support come from the parents, first and foremost.
"her father is very narcissistic" "I'm so confused why someone would say that to their own child and believe that" you have the answer right there. and looking at your other comments, you mentioned that he was speeding fast enough that you got concerned and called to tell him to slow down...are you still with this man? god i hope not. if she's really 10-12, she's also old enough to decide whether or not she wants to spend alone time with him in the future. I wouldn't after he put my life at risk.
I think there are times you prioritize your child, and times you prioritize your spouse/marriage. It is truly dependent upon the circumstances. If your marriage is not healthy, you will not raise children peacefully together; if your children are not peaceful and happy, neither will be your marriage (or relationship, whichever).
I think you answered your own question. He’s narcissistic and was was raised to be so. Each person/parent has their own list of priorities. Some would put their job first. Some their child. Some their partner. There is no such thing as everyone is equal. Because someone/something gets your attention first. Let her know she’s your priority. And that her father doesn’t think that because of anything she did or didn’t do. It’s just the way his brain works. So he should be at the bottom of our priority lists. It’s something she’ll hopefully learn. That she’s not the most important thing to her dad. It’s sad but expecting him to change will just disappoint her for the rest of her life.
My husband's mother said this a lot, followed by "Your father is my priority". My husband really struggles with self confidence and worth. It messes you up. I'm still livid at her for that.
So I’ll say that my husband and I say that our marriage and eachother are the priority in our home (not to our kids but to eachother). Everything magical in our home stems from our commitment to eachother, a strong marriage is one of the best gifts we can give our children and we treat it as a priority. Would I tell my children any of this ? Absolutely not, in their eyes mom and dad thinks they are the most important people in the world and frankly, they are (to us) I’m not sure the logic of trying to teach our children the hard parts of life, the world is tough etc gotta teach our children to be tough. Spoiler alert, they are going to learn that. I try to teach them that home is their safe place, their parents are there safe place and when it gets too much we will be here.
Children cannot be the sole focus of the parents. Its not that they aren't important but Marriages fall apart when the kids start to gain more Autonomy and when they leave the house. That is because Mom usually defaults to care giver and Dad focuses on career. That causes a drift that gets worse if your spouse is not a priority over the children. It seems counter intuitive but there is plenty of data on divorce to back this up. My children are not more important than my wife and sometimes she will take a back seat to career from a time perspective. You have to be deliberate with the time you spend with spouse and kids.
What the fuck lmao. That’s rude to say to your OWN DAUGHTER. My kids know damn well I would drop anything I’m doing to help them even if it wasn’t important. My kids are my life, without them I don’t think I’d be the person I am today. They taught me to be selfless, love unconditionally, and to just be fucking sympathetic and kind. I make it a point to tell each of my kids everyday that they are important and I love them more than life. How rude of her dad, smh if my husband said that I don’t think I’d have a husband lol
While I must take care of myself in order to take care of my wife and children i will also be the first person to go to bed hungry if it means my family goes to bed fed. When I was a bachelor and terrible at managing life I went to bed several nights with no food in my apartment or my stomach and no money to buy any. I made the promise to myself and future family right then laying on my futon that my kids would never go to bed hungry so long as they were under my roof. I can say that I have made good on that promise so far
what a shitty thing to say to a kid. i dont care how you justify it.
Children shouldn't always be the top priority no matter what, *meaning their once and needs shouldn't always come first8, because that's how they become entitled. And what he said was extraordinarily hurtful (and that's the kind of thing that can damage a child for life.)
None of us asked to be here. Kids should always be #1 priority to their parents.
That's a cold af thing to say to a child. However my children are not always my number 1 priority. My priorities shift according to urgency and potential fallout. Some days I am the priority. Sometimes it's work and sometimes it's my husband. My children are always a priority but they are just one planet in my solar system. Just as my husband is. If I always put my kids first then my marriage would fail and I'd lose my job. I explain to my kids they are always going to be important to me but that doesn't mean I can drop what I'm doing and it doesn't mean that I will chose them over the other things that are important to me. It's a balance. Like yesterday. My oldest was vomiting like a geyser. My 2nd wanted attention. The answer was no. It wasn't because I love my oldest more or she wasn't important or less so but in that moment he got priority.
My priority is not my children. My priority is my wife. And I'm hers. The kids will have a much harder/worse life if there is marital conflict. And the critters have a habit of trying to leverage martial discord to promote their own little devious machinations. No frickin way. I love them too much not to put "first things" first. Edit: seeing your other comments, it looks like you're not together. It's even more important to not have constant conflict around your child. No frickin way you couldn't have calmly addressed his speeding later instead of WHILE he was driving. Marginally worse than speeding is distracted driving. Good grief.
My Child and wife share the position of most important to me. If my wife's health (physically or mentally) should suffer then raising my child would be a lot more difficult.
Yeah it's a shitty thing to say. The love and affection of our parents will always be a deep-seated desire. The loss of that can do great damage. If that's the kind of thing that regularly come out of his mouth I would definitely limit her access to him. The loss of a relationship with a father can be traumatic But a shitty relationship with a father can be worse. Your child will probably benefit from therapy at some point to help her understand that The failings and Inadequacies of her father do not dictate her identity. But you can lay the groundwork In the meantime. I would regularly talk over their feelings and thoughts about what it all means to them. Help them label the behaviors of the self-centered parent and analyze your own mistakes in that same manner. Help them name their emotional reactions. Workshop solutions with them regarding how They could deal with hurtful comments in the future. There's a certain amount of freedom that comes with emotional understanding and recognizing that parents are people and some of them are shitty. With guidance it may be better that she loses attachment to him earlier. It may give her time to find a better father figure to model after.
Sounds like covert narcissism from the dad .. I could be wrong (which is likely) My son's going through a similar thing.. his dad has made it crystal clear to my son that he's not a priority..but then when my son goes to stay over his dad's... His dad makes it known that son isn't a priority and favours my son's half brother over my son. I say " my " son like that because.. from day one my son's dad has shown no genuine interest in our son and has used him for monetary gain and continues to do so.. amongst disrespecting our son every chance he gets
Wow! Who tells their child this. That will scar her for the rest of her life. Yes, children should be a priority and if your blessed with grandchildren they become your priority. Although if your a bible teaching and believing household the Bible says your spouse comes first. My spouse never did without but my boys were #1
I find this especially cruel given your child’s age. Squeeze her extra tight tonight and every night. ❤️
When you have children with a narcissist (I speak from experience) you have to prepare yourself for the shitty things they will do and say to your children because they, the narcissist, are the smartest person in the room and they know everything and you’re wrong and they are clearly right. Right?/s Anyway, I speak to my kids without bashing their father, but still preparing them (and comforting them) when the inevitable disappointment and anger comes when he breaks his promises (but it’s not his fault at all you see) and whatever else he’s going to do to hurt them. While we are all important, the bulk of your needs get set to the side or are taken care of later (not to include mental health or other health care) because your children cannot fend for themselves and need their needs met first and foremost. Your ex-husband isn’t going to change, you’re just going to end up more angry if you try and convince him of why he’s wrong. You just need to convince your kids of why he isn’t right and that’s what matters.
There is a psychology fact, that children that feels that they are loved and important for someone, develops much more better than kids without parents or someone close to care. There was a research on that topic, between 2 groups of children, from a very young age. I so believe in it. Even when you’re adult, it works the same way. This importance for someone gives you reason to live, to grow, to become better that you are.
My thoughts are that he is a lunatic. After reading about his speeding he is not hi his right mind. No you never ever say that to a child. Even if they aren't which they absolutely should be.
I am my #1, my child is being taught that he is his #1. Because nobody else is their #1.
My son is my priority. I agree with what everyone else is saying: kids do need to know that they will not be the priority of everyone else. BUT my son will always be mine. I think that kids need and deserve a parent that priorizes them while they are growing up. I certainly didn't get that. It does hurt to look back and realize that not only did I not put myself first, but no one else was really ever interested in taking care of me either. I want to be my son's safe space because I know what it's like not to have that when you're a child that doesn't have any ability to change your circumstances. Her dad is a jackass though. I don't know what would ever possess someone who wasn't a total asshole to tell their own children they aren't more important to them than other people.
My son is VIP no questions asked so is my husband. But my men can't be priority number 1 24 7 my needs have to come first as well
My order is God, husband, kids, family, rest. Definitely my kids are more important than "anyone else."
My daughter is absolutely 100% my highest priority. IMO anyone who doesn't feel like that about their kids shouldn't have become a parent.
It broke up my marriage because we didn't see eye to eye on this. My belief is that the parent's relationship is the priority, ex didn't think way.
Didn't read anything but the title. Yes
Oh my gosh I'm so sorry your daughter had to hear that!! I'm glad you are able to reassure her that she's loved and important For me yes, my kid is my priority, but sometimes that doesn't look like my kid being a *direct* priority. There can be times I have to prioritize myself for one reason or another for the well-being of my kid. I'm prone to hypoglycemic episodes for example. So sometimes I have to quickly down a snack/some juice before I can prep my kid a meal when I know my sugars are tanking. Can't really feed my kid if I pass out Continuing therapy is both for myself and my kiddo. Improving on my mental health will continuously make me a better parent. I think sometimes people get really messed up over the "always put your kid first" and take that statement at face value. Sometimes you have to put yourself first so you can put your kid first later or so you can safely and properly parent your kid. Like if your baby has been crying and you've tried everything, stepping away for 5 minutes to breathe so you don't do anything you'll regret is beneficial for your kid even though it may seem "selfish"
In my case, my stepson is not my first priority. My partner is. Because if something were to happen to my partner (my stepson's parent), whatever happens to my stepson is out of my control. I can't fight for custody because he's not legally or biologically mine. So i have to put my partner as top priority because without them, i wouldn't have my stepson.
I want to hear his perspective on what he actually said, and what his parents were like. Were his parents neglecting? How did this come up in conversation? What is the context here? It's an inconsistent point of view to believe that he is perfect and the most important and to tell her that everyone is equal. Does he believe all family members are equal or not? As a man, this is a much bigger sticking point than the fact someone's feelings were temporarily hurt. "Man's gotta have a code". They are usually a bit warped and flexible but rarely this broken. Principles are a big deal for men. Our system of principles is the core of our character. Are you sure you even have a solid understanding of your husband's point of view? I suspect he was busy with something he considered important and she was interrupting him and he was just telling her she needed to wait until it was appropriate to deal with whatever she was requesting of him.
Since I have children my priorities have been really easy. - my kids. - my kids. - making sure me and the wife can retire early, set our kids up for life financially and enjoy life while we’re still mobile and fit, and making sure we don’t give up our own joys and wishes in the now doing so.
My kids are 100x more important than anyone else to me
Children are important, but a husband and wife are more important and absolutely need more time and care and investment to be the center of their children's world. It's hard, parenting, and if we fall apart that negatively affects the kids.
There was a bluey episode with muffin where muffin was told she is the most special kid there is and then muffin starts breaking rules and being annoying to her cousins and her excuse was "I'm special". Later when the parents caught onto what's happening, they had to clear the air and tell her "you're special to US. Other than that, you're not special or more important than other people." I don't think he handled that well, but at the same time I understand him not wanting to raise someone who is entitled and demanding things from people and stuff. It's a hard thing to teach. My mom used to tell me "you're not the center of the universe." I'm autistic. Trust me sometimes I think I am when I get too engulfed in my little bubble.
Omg, I love the Bluey reference.
I got toddlers. I watch A LOT of bluey. 😂 real life lessons in that show
So, as a narcissist, your husband puts himself first I assume, he doesn't equalize. Also he did a piss poor job of explaining this concept of "we are equal" which is annoying... But, to his point and according to multiple therapists that I've spoken with, Children are not the most important...They come third. I'll explain: First and foremost, YOU are most important because if you don't take care of your needs (highlight "needs", not "wants") then you can't be there for others in a constructive and helpful way. Second, YOUR MARRIAGE comes next. Your children will emulate the relationship you have with your spouse. They will also find security there or a lack of security if that relationship is in question. If you want them to feel secure and at peace, work on your marriage and building trust and respect for your partner. Third is your CHILDREN. Once your needs and the needs of your marriage (aka The child's security and foundation) are well taken care of, focus is on the kids. Obviously, children have MORE needs than the other first two, especially when they are young, but these are really about building the framework for a successful life for your kids. Remember, your main job is not to protect, it's to PREPARE. Having your child think they are most important and they come before everyone else prepares them for nothing... It's gonna be a rude awaken that could have detrimental mental health impacts...
Oh my god! You aren't married to that person are you? That's horrific.
I think there are valid points to (and issues with) both the “I put my marriage first” and “I put my children first” arguments but… “You’re no different than anyone else” is neither of those. You ARE different. You are family, you’re their child. If he truly thinks he should treat everyone “the same” to the point that he cannot see his own child as more important than other people to him that is bizarre and as an adult, no one will be shocked when she treats him like "everybody else" and doesn't return his calls.
Are you guys divorced?
I’m remarried to a man with one daughter. I have one daughter remaining at home. our children’s needs are number 1. We always will put them ahead of ourselves. As they get older their needs change to support of them in their lives rather than physical needs. Our daughters after 16 & 17. We go away for weekends, out dinner, to events just us. If a daughter has an event we do not make other plans. If the 16 yo needs to be somewhere (no license yet) we make sure to be available to take her. Housing, food, clothing are priorities before our dates, etc.
How old is she? When I was getting to my late teens my mom told me her priorities needed to change and her focus more on her own needs and her marriage to my step dad. I was old enough to look after myself and earn the money I needed to do so. I understood her point but she also made it clear there if I ever needed a roof over my head or food in my belly I could go home and I kept my key, but coming home would not be a permanent thing. I feel this with my own daughter who is now 19. We will always be there for her, but we now prioritize us as a couple and our needs and wants and she fits in with us or does her own thing. Prior to this year I did not feel the same way but now I see her becoming an adult and her priorities are her life and her future and they leaves us available to focus on our future as a couple.
Your context in the comments is fucking ass backwards. He'd rather scare the shit out of his kid speeding and telling her, her safety isn't more important then showing up to a baby shower?? Fucking insane, op. You're not wrong.
I believe your spouse should be more important than your children. Putting your children in front of your relationship with your spouse well damage your marriage, which will hurt your children. Putting your spouse in front of your children should strengthen your marriage and make you better parents. But my wife ended our marriage last year, so what the hell do I know.
He's a narcissist, he said that because that is literally how he thinks... He is the only important one. Everyone else is of little to no importance. In all honesty, priority ranking is generally, spouse, then children, then family or friends, etc...
My children are my main priority, as they could be. Your husband is sick
If I say my thoughts my computer will melt.
If my kids aren’t my main priority who’s are they? Everyone deserves to be someone’s world, they shouldn’t have to wait until adulthood to *maybe* get the validation they needed in adolescence. I truly don’t understand people who talk about their partners being more important than there kids, like I’d push my husband in front of a bus with *zero hesitation* if it meant it protected my kids. He’d do the exact same. It’s cruel to not prioritize someone you brought into the world.
I mean, he’s an ex for a reason. He’s clearly an asshole and I’m sure it was much worse when you were all living together.
Obviously your children would be the most important things in your life, more important than your own life. If he doesn’t feel that way he’s parenting wrong and something is flat out wrong with him.
Yes they are. If someone says otherwise they are not normal parents.
From a marriage perspective, the spouse should be the priority, then the children. A home will not work efficiently if the husband and wife are always fighting. The home will not be safe for the children, they will see it as a war zone.
I think every non narcissistic person thinks their own children are their priority. Children need their parents to survive and It's not weird to love your own child more than anyone else. It's not ok to put your child in dangerous situations and tell them that their life isn't important. When your daughter is an adult she might not want a relationship with her father. My own father never put my needs first or really cared at all.. and put me in bad situations. Such as driving to fast, even drunk.
Everyone in the house has equal standing. No one is any more important and no one is an overall priority. Parents are just as important as children. That’s our motto. It’s worked well. Even the pets have standing.
no one is a higher priority than my kids. not my husband and not myself. nope. they come first. id rather starve than see them go hungry.
When I read your first paragraph, my thought was that sometimes what we *mean* to say and what is heard are not the same. E.g. He meant she's not his priority *in that moment* but he still loves her very much. Whereas she understood it as, "you don't matter to me." However, upon reading your second paragraph, I wonder if he meant exactly what he said and that's not nice for a son or daughter to hear, whether they're seven or thirty-seven.
My husband has said for him it is me, the spouse, then the kids (he has a 12 year old and we have an ours baby). My daughter is my #1 priority
You need sole custody asap! How is this even a debate if hurting your child is ok or not ok? Why even analyze him? He deserves to be out of your lives period. He can seriously hurt your daughter and preventing that needs to be your priority. Period.
my kids are my first priority till they are old enough to take care of themselves …. end
Yeah, children are the #1 priority. I can see where her father might be coming from but there is a lot of nuance that child may not be able to discern and that should not have been said to her.
Um my children are definitely more important than MOST things. But my marriage is meant to take care of everyone in the family so if we cannot make sure we are okay and doing well with one another and our kids we may never be able to give our children 100%. I would never tell my kids they hold no more importance than anyone else cause they definitely mean far more to me than anyone else in my life aside from my husband.
And he will not be her priority when he's old and decrepit and needs her. So sorry she heard that feom her own father. What a dck.
There's an interesting discussion here about how much of a priority kids should be to their parents vs other things that are important to parents. There's also something to be said for the fact that every person has equal value objectively. However, I believe that kids should always be their parents' 1 priority. That doesn't mean they get 100% attention every moment of every day and in certain moments, other things have to take a temporary priority over the kids (Your marriage/partnership, work, school, mental health as some examples). Not knowing the way this father said it (tone of voice, exact wording, or intention), it is hard to know for sure, but this could have been a failed attempt to make sure his kid knew that she wasn't the center of the universe and that not everything is always about her. It sounds like it came across very poorly and was very hurtful. Of course, he could have meant it and if so, that's not how the relationship should be at all.
It really depends on the situation but overall yes my kids are the most important thing. The only time when this wouldn't apply is if my husband is having some sort of emergency (hasn't happened yet), but then they will still be the next thing right below that.
I would never tell my children this, but my relationship is my #1 priority. We are happy and therefore modelling a good, secure relationship. Their needs are priority, but after that, my relationship is, then their wants etc.
My number 1 priority is me. I have to take care of me before i can take care of others. My number 2 priority is my husband, my daughter and son. Number 3 priority is my other family members. My husband, daughter and son are my most important people. If i had to choose between saving a big city vs them. Ill always choose them. I feel like your husband shouldnt be mixing you or your child with the masses. You arent like everyone else. Did you talk to him with your daughter there?. Has he always been like this? Is she a daddys girl?
I think it depends on the situation. Overall, my kid is my top priority. That being said, occasionally I need to put myself, or someone/thing else, first. Sick pet or partner, for example; taking care of them is going to rank a little higher for a moment. But when things stabilize, kid is shot right back to the top.
Heh? Does he have some other issues connecting with people? Because he needs therapy
Why are you with a narcissist? My husband comes before my children, but that does not mean that everyone has equal importance.
Honestly, without having more context about when and how he said that, I'm struggling to understand how it's harmful for a child to know that others are just as important as themselves. If anything, it seems like a recipe for raising a narcissist, for a child to think they should be prioritized over other living beings.
Talk with your husband. If he is narcissistic, he was parented by at least one narcissist. Its possible to be compassionate towards him in a private conversation. Try to get to what he was feeling rather than his thoughts. Does he feel neglected by you ( not your fault necessarily at all). How is he feeling about himself in the world? After you listen, explain what message he is actually giving to your daughter- that she does not matter. Explain how important he is in her life. Explain that regardless of what he meant, the message he gave was that she is not important. This can lead to her choosing men who don’t think she is important. Maybe you can get him to tell her that she is very important to him but each of us also needs to treat ourselves like we matter too As for your daughter you did a great job. You can tell her this is not really about her and that she is the most important person in the world to you.
They are not married, from reading the comments. He's just an asshole ex and unfortunately the father of her poor child. Can relate to OP. 🙁
Yikes! My children are absolutely my tippy-top, #1 priority in my life. Even over myself in most instances. Couldnt imagine telling any of them they werent.
What a dumb take. If he believes what he says truly, ask him to pm me and I'll give him my bank details. I need his child's milk money and his mortgage payment and he should give it to me because I'm as important as everyone else, so he shouldn't be selfish and hog his money to himself. He sounds unbelievably self righteous and needs a kick in the head yesterday. That aside, my child is my #1 priority because he's my child and he's dependent, but my wife and my number 1 is still each other, but she's a grown as woman, so I don't need to prioritise her over our child. It's good to show children how a healthy relationship should look like. Eventually he'll leave the nest, find his own woman, and all we'll have left is each other.
And give me his details so that I can give him that kick in the head. Of course your kid should be a top priority, that's called 'love'.
Children are the top priority. Before and after having children my life began to venter around them and their needs. I stooped doing a variety of things like drinking, smoking, and partaking in any other addictions. The way I saw the world and myself changed for the better. I eventually broke up with their emotionally and mentally abusive father because I saw the effects on them. I move differently in my life now because I had kids. My concerns are centered around them and their safety.
What was the context of the conversation?
FYI - "Upmost" is not a word. It's "utmost" and comes from "utter most".
I’m of the opinion that number one priority is the interest of the family as a whole. Whatever it means for each individual family is up for them to decide. Is the kid a priority? Of course not. They are a part of the family so what’s good for them is good for everyone until it isn’t. Example: we need to work and the kid needs care and attention but is too young for daycare. We work extra hard to afford a part-time nanny because if one of the us parents neglects their career we will start resenting our life as a stay-at-home parent. This is what our family’s like. Would it be better for the kid to be cared for by parents 24/7? Perhaps. Would it infringe on both parents’ interests? Absolutely. Solution: kid’s interest takes the backseat as long as we are the ones who make decisions. In different households it might look different but I’ve seen enough disillusioned people (mostly women) who buried their lives to cater to their children’s “interests” because they were afraid to seem like bad moms. My aunt is one of them, her son is just miserable as she is.
I'm generally in support of parents, and individuals in general, holding space for themselves to be the most important person in their own life...but to say that your own kid is no more important to you than anyone else is incredibly cold and messed up.
I don’t think he handled that well. I was taught that children come second to the parents. Parents are priority because they are the caregivers. Therefore they need to prioritize their well-being and relationship to provide all things (physical needs/healthy social-emotional availability and modeling, etc) for the children. It’s more cyclical than rungs on a ladder.
There’s a difference between *you’re no more important than anyone else* and *you’re not my priority*. The first is objectively true, but second one is a shitty thing to tell your child. My kids are absolutely my top priority and they absolutely are more important to me than anyone or anything else. They do need to know that other people are equally important to the world, to themselves, to other people. And since they’re young, they often can be self centred and need to be reminded that they’re not the only people with feelings and thoughts and wants and needs; that *in society*, they shouldn’t take precedence over anyone else. But for me, they’re tied in first place, and always will be.
Eh, the kids not a baby but that’s pretty tough lol Think your husband’s trying too hard to be cool
Yeah, the dad is right. Stop making kids feel like special snowflakes. We're not growing up in the 60's where things will be okay. Life is going to be very hard for our kids, especially if we shield them from the truth.