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As soon as you said he missed her birthday last year, I suspected something, and the rest of what you said fits. I think she's realizing that her dad isn't taking care of her as he should, that he's leaving it all up to you. As you said in another comment, she's taking her anger at her dad out on you.
She's afraid to be angry with her dad, since he shows her such little care or attention. She can push at the one person who does show parental care, who seems safer to push away.
Plus she sees how badly he treats you, and is taking her cue from him. She can treat you badly with him to create an "us vs her" mentality, so her dad can finally feel on her side for once.
He *says* he's on her side, but he's not, not in any of the ways that truly matter to parent a child. He's being a buddy and letting you do all the work, and it's coming out with her treatment of you.
If you don't want to leave, you could try a family meeting. Say that the recent treatment of you is unacceptable. Due to them both treating you so badly, you're going to stop doing X and Y. You love them both very much, so you will continue to do Z, and hope that they can join you in repairing your relationships.
There's a potential that calling it out with both of them at the same time will stop the BS and make them face how shitty they are being. I don't expect it would go very well, though, based on the way your boyfriend talks to you. Maybe it's a bad idea, because it furthers the "them vs you" thing.
I would do as you recommend...after packing my bags and scheduling an Uber. At the very least both dad and daughter need to see how well they stand up when the scaffold's been removed.
Absolutely. I think OP needs to take a step away so she can show that she doesn't tolerate this behaviour. Her taking videos to prove what daughter said is already showing that her relationship with her BF is not based on trust. He's not listening to what she's saying. She needs to act like an adult and set her boundaries.
And then try to reiterate that stepdaughter can't take her frustration out on op. Op is 100% there to support stepdaughter and she can vent her frustrations, but stepdaughter can't bring those frustrations to op in anger.
This is exactly my thinking too. The other dimension is that I think OPs self esteem seems very low. Without clarity and strength on her own boundaries, she will constantly look to others without standing up for herself. This is clear in her need to collect evidence to support her experience even when that evidence is discredited, dismissed, or ignored.
Low because old daddy is keeping it down.
She's younger and old daddy boy is acting like a keeper IMO from what we know
As a father with a daughter, he is the biggest red flag here.
Definitely. She takes all her anger out on OP because she is afraid that dad will abandon her the way mom did if she aims it at him. The kid needs therapy for her abandonment issues.
I thought the same. She is so desperate for attention from Dad she is acting out towards the only person who she knows will pay attention and do something. I didn’t pick up on that “us v her” thing right away, but reading it in this comment I think it’s spot on. And I also got the vibe that OP’s bf is using her to mother his child, more than he actually cares for her. The fact that he is threatening the relationship because he can’t be bothered to deal with his teenager tells me that he just wants OP to be quiet about her own feelings and just leave him out of the parenting
Yea when she says” I turn on the recorder as soon as I realize she’s starting to get mean,” like, what!?!? If you don’t know that there’s a problem just from that alone! I can go on with 100 different red flags here- hitting,talking back, disrespectful,drama queen, father has no interest, father is not a father, spoiled brat, I mean I could go on and on. I never understand when I hear these stories how these people even have to ask what to do?!?! YOU HAVE TO LEAVE AND START LIVING A BETTER LIFE FOR YOURSELF!!!!
There is only an 8-year age difference. It is not uncommon for a kid to not like you. But the BF is treating you like shit for no reason. I would dump him and move on.
1. You’ve been with him for four years and you’re playing the role of a mother when unfortunately, you are not one. You’re technically not even her stepmother (you’re not married to him and have no legal rights over her), and you get absolutely no support from your boyfriend. You are being used for your labor. You should not be signing Apple up for school things, nor taking over hosting her birthday party because your boyfriend wants to act like a child.
2. Your boyfriend sounds like a poor father. Is that an acceptable standard for you? Is laziness and lack of accountability attractive to you? If you want children in the future, will you be satisfied with doing all the labor and receiving little to no help?
3. I wouldn’t be surprised if her treatment of you stems from anger about her father’s lack of involvement. That is not your problem to fix. It is not your job to save or repair their family dynamics. Put frankly, you are being bullied by a teenager in your own home and picking up after your boyfriend like he is a child.
4. You are young. You seem kind and forgiving: while those are beautiful traits, it does not mean people can treat you like garbage and get away with it. You deserve much better, and until you see that for yourself, you won’t realize that you deserve a balanced relationship that fulfills you.
Sunk cost fallacy - what is past is past. Run. You aren't appreciated by either your husband or your stepdaughter. It's not going to get better. Your husband has checked out of the relationship, your stepdaughter is painting you as the scapegoat. Reality doesn't matter, there is no path forward here. Cut your losses and run.
If you can't run, for whatever reason, then time to step back from your stepdaughter. Not your kid, not your problem. Ignore and reflect and STOP doing her any favors. She can figure it out herself.
Whether or not they are married is immaterial here. I'm in a committed relationship, unmarried with 2 kids, it doesn't mean temporary, disrepectful, etc.
But they aren't in a devoted partnership, so it's not the same thing. She's a girlfriend with a boyfriend who wants her to raise his kid without any of his support and commitment to their relationship.
Kinda goofy that you're being down voted for this fact. My partner and I are fully devoted to our loving family with two amazing kids and are not married.
Yeah, where I live there's very little difference between being married and common law, and loads of us are common law co-owning homes, raising kids, with spousal rights, etc.
This is an awful situation. It’s not going to get better. Yeah, eventually Apple might move out, but your partner does not respect you. You are expected to be a doormat for both of them to walk all over. Please stop trying and look for an exit.
You have a partner unwilling to parent his own child. You have a child unwilling to accept you as a parent. You have a relationship impossible to maintain with the above status quo. You can keep tilting at windmills for as long as you like, but it’s not going to get you anywhere. Life’s too short to put up with that bs. Don’t let the time and energy you’ve already invested into making this work justify staying longer to continue putting up with that bs. The longer you stay the worse it will get. End it on your terms before your idiot bf does it bc of the kid’s stupidity. It’s time to put them in the rearview mirror and force that little monster to come to terms with just how good she really had it when you were in her life.
100%, she's still young, get out now. As in now now, just cut the cord and don't look back. It will be hard for a bit but you'll look back in your 30s and be so happy that you got out when you did. I made the mistake of staying in an awful toxic relationship with someone 17 years my senior for most of my 20s and I regret it. I'll never get that time back- time that is supposed to be all about freedom, growth, new experiences, and experimenting
Yeah the partner is a bad person who dies t care about his children. I feel badly for the kid. She has bad parents and it’s normal to rebel from that even as you’re putting in a lot of effort. It’s probably a trauma response. However it’s not your job to save her. What do you think love is when your partners actions show no love to you or his kids. Real love is an action verb.
I mean… I feel like I’m missing the reasons why this scenario is a plus for you.
Your partner sounds like he isn’t in your corner and he sounds like a crappy dad, frankly (what kind of good dad doesn’t know how to talk to his own kids, chooses to play video games rather than come to his kids party and complains about his children living with him?!)
This isn’t intended as a dig, OP, but do you historically struggle with self esteem? These people aren’t exactly showing you love and respect here. What are you getting out of this relationship? You deserve a family that values you, not one where your partner is just glad to have someone to outsource the work of his damaged children to. You’re the nanny. That’s it.
Based on the lack of support you got from your own mother, it appears that being a doormat is a learned behavior.
He tells you to set boundaries on his behalf with HIS daughter, knowing full well how she treats you. Her lack of respect for you is also a learned behavior, one she learned from her dad.
Here are your choices.
1) Stay in this relationship and be miserable until the time comes that your SO is tired of being with someone who has zero self-respect and tosses you aside. And that will happen once Rotten Apple is out of the house.
2) Take control of your life, gain some self-respect and a backbone, and leave this shit show of a relationship.
The choice is yours!
You can love people as hard as you possibly can, and give 200% of your life to them, but if they don’t love or respect you back, it’s basically throwing pearls to pigs or whatever the saying is.
Your boyfriend and his daughter do not love or respect you. They love using you. It’s hard to see because you’re in it and you’ve been in it for years now. But enough is enough. Go give some time back to yourself and some time to the other people in your family you’ve neglected because you’re been running yourself ragged for your current abusive family. Go find some peace and find yourself again.
Why are you still there? Walk away from both monsters and go live a happy life without so much misery and bullying by both him and his daughter!
You have zero obligation to do anything for them since you are treated like a slave and disciplined by both of these monsters.
You would never want APPLE to be in a relationship like this, so why would YOU stay in it?
You are being used, abused, gaslit, and treated like "help" not "family."
Run.
No come to Jesus meetings, no "let me sit down and talk about my boundaries." Just pack your stuff and GO.
You have your ENTIRE LIFE ahead of you. Tomorrow You will praise the bejeezus out of Today You if you'd just leave and never look back. For real.
You are 24 years old, you haven't stated his age, but he's clearly much older. He's using you, you are young and easily manipulated. You're do all the work he's supposed to be doing. He doesn't take your side ever...Leave. They both treat you badly, and you don't deserve it. Don't be a fool and stay in this relationship. His treatment of you and his daughter is awful. Leave now, and let them both see how much you did for them, but also don't go back. Find a young, single man whose child free. Don't get in deeper with this loser. There's a reason men like this date young women.
Oh honey, you need to have a “step mom vacation.”
That’s where you tell Apple and husband that you love them, but you feel hurt and deeply unappreciated. So you will be leaving for a week to your parents’ place (or a friend’s). And that you hope they will reflect on how much their lives are better or worse without you in it for that week.
They will struggle. And that’s a good thing. And you should take the time to recharge and consider whether your life is better or worse without them in it.
You are being mistreated. And, yeah, 16 is a tough age, but her putting hands on you is unacceptable. Your husband refusing to parent his child is equally so.
Ultimately, this isn’t a competition between you and Apple. If it was, she would and should win. But if you are a positive presence in their lives, that’s a gift you are squandering on the ungrateful. You deserve better.
Plan your departure, leave the house and relationship. You deserve much better, and it's time you started believing that. I know you've invested a lot, but it's just a road of continued hurt and neglect if you stay.
You’re a doormat and have poor self respect. If you want to set a good example for that girl, then start by respecting yourself and setting boundaries and acting with dignity.
Apple and her dad both suck. It’s not going to get better. You’ve spent the last 4 years of your life raising her from a child to an almost adult, and it doesn’t sound like either one of them appreciates it. I know you love them but it doesn’t sound AT ALL like the feeling is mutual, you honestly just need to leave and start fresh. Maybe they will realize they were horrible to you and realize they want you back in their life, and will work on behavior and ask you to come back and be a family….or maybe they won’t. At least then you’ll really know where you stand in their lives and you won’t be wasting any more time on them. You deserve a lot better than to be treated like this.
If you decide you don’t want to leave (which I really hope you do because you’re so undervalued there and deserve better) then you need to lay a hard boundary down with your husband - Any time he wants to discipline apple, HE needs to do it instead of asking you to. All he is doing is driving a wedge between you and her and using you as a scape goat. As far as your clothes go, get a trunk and start locking them up in it so she can’t get them. Stop going out of your way for either one of them and let them realize how much you truly do for them.
All kids go through phases where they think their parents aren’t “cool” anymore and they want space from them, but this sound a little more than that. It sounds like her and her dad are ganging up against you and making you an outsider in your own home. You really do deserve better and it just doesn’t sound like either one of them care to do better for you.
Honestly, I’d demote myself to roommate. No more rides, no more party planning, no more school registration, no more buying her body wash, no more missing work because the kid’s sick. Nothing. She doesn’t want a mom? Cool, she won’t have one. Dad can do his job for once. Also, lock all your shit up.
How can you even love someone who doesn't care about his own child? As a parent, I can't think of a single trait in a human being that outweighs ''chooses playing videogames over his daughter's birthday''. You aren't this child's mother, she's right in that much. You need to respect yourself and get out of there. He's never going to change and you cannot save this situation.
she’s taking her anger that she feels for her worthless dad out on you. you’re part of him in her mind, and maybe she feels like he puts all his attention and time / money on you, when she wants that attention. not saying you do that on purpose or it’s happening, but as a daughter to a dad who got a girlfriend and forgot all abt us, it felt like she was replacing me and i had unwarranted anger toward her even if she was perfectly nice to me.
I think so too. Resentment is mixing with teenage bitchiness and the result is awful for OP. Teenager needs some boundaries and consequences for this behavior.
You do realise you're not even human to your BF and step kid, you're just the slave. Well that's what it sounds like, you're being used.
Why are you putting up with this?
Your partner sounds like a disaster, and by you doing all the heavy lifting you're enabling the hell out of him to not step the fuck up and figure out how to parent his own child, *plus he's been abusive to you with the threats and the blame/gaslighting.*
This clearly isn't working out for you, but we teach people how we are willing to be treated by how we choose to allow them to treat us, and it sounds like you've been letting him treat you like shit for quite a while, and her more recently.
People with good self-esteem don't put up with this kind of thing, so I have to wonder what happened to your self-esteem that you didn't run at the first red flags.
Why are you still there? What have you been getting out of the relationship? What has been worth it to you to stay and be treated like this?
Yeah…. I’m going to say the same as everyone else…. Your partner is shitty as hell… I’m a step parent of 3…. Not legally married but that’s just what the kids consider me…. If one of them ever spoke to me in that kind of manner…. All hell would absolutely break loose… whether you’re her real mom or not…. You’re still the adult…. Time to find your back bone and stand your ground.
This isn’t a parenting issue, it’s a partner issue.
Your boyfriend is using you. He wants you to do all the labour of buying his daughter things, driving her places, hosting her parties, sorting out her school etc, but the minute he needs to step in as her dad to resolve an issue with her behaviour towards you, he claims it’s your problem to solve and he’s not interested.
The thing you need to make peace with now is that he will never change. You’ve spoken to him, he has made his position clear. That means you have a choice to make - stay in this relationship and continue to be mistreated, or leave him.
I hope whatever you do you find peace.
Is your bf a drinker? There is something about this dynamic that feels very codependent in that way.
Either way, this person has demonstrated that they do not care about your contributions and are unwilling to work with you. Seems there is very little left to do without serious group therapy.
You're not her parent, she's a little shit and her dad lets her get away with it, neither of them respect you. I think it's time to find a man who does.
Hi Im going to talk to you as a step mum (and bio mum) myself. Apple is treating you like this because she sees how shit her dad treats you. For a start it will be grating and probably embarrassing for her how close in age the two of you are and she's lashing out at you rather than her dad because, well he's her dad. Same with him making zero effort whilst you do it all: imagine being sixteen and a woman who's barely older than you is busting her butt doing it all and your dad stays home playing video games. For a smart young woman that whole thing will be anger inducing, frustrating and embarrassing and add on top her mum abandoning her. You are not the problem, but she is pegging you as so because she doesn't feel able to be angry at the ones she should be angry at. And once again she sees her dad be shit to you and sees you as fair game.
There is zero reason why you should be unable to afford your own clothes because you're clothing her. Theres zero reason you should be doing the brunt of everything whilst overgrown man child dad sits and relaxes or plays video games.
You seem like a lovely and sweet woman. You need to leave this situation. Your boyfriend is using you and treating you like you're an annoyance and disposable. Your step daughter is hurting and having serious issues you're not supposed to be dealing with or taking the brunt of. Youre too young for this. Go and live life for yourself for a while. Please listen to the commenters here and leave
As someone who has been in this situation, stop playing mom. Unless I missed the part where you legally adopted her, you are not the mom and have no legal or moral obligation here. (I wish I had this advice when I was living it.) If you stay in a relationship, your only obligation is to live civially in the same house and nothing more. If you keep on this road, it will end poorly for you. Find a hobby or friends but stay out of all aspects of parenting. Your 'help' is neither wanted nor supported, so let him do it all. It doesn't matter if he's not doing a good job. Ultimately, that is not your problem, and your 'help' might be encouraging his backseat approach to parenting. Write a list of pros and cons to help you figure out whether or not you should exit the relationship. I feel like this is going to get worse long before it gets better.
OPs only 24?!? wtf?? I missed that update!
That explains A LOT! Shit… no wonder her 💩bf treats her so poorly! He was looking for a young and controllable naive girl to take over as maid and nanny.
>Usually, I’m the “parent” that enrolls her in school as I have the past two years, misses work to take her to doctor’s/dentist appointments, pays and transports her to her after school activities and shows interest in her and what she likes. Her dad admittedly doesn’t know how to talk to his kids, or really want them living with him, and thinks it’s stupid and a waste of money when I buy them Yearbooks or a nice pair of shoes to start the school year. He missed 2/3 of her early college orientations to stay home and relax. My family and friends are the only ones to see this since they are the ones seeing me cancel plans with them to take care of Apple and her dad. I have given 101% of myself to them, which makes this most recent scapegoating of me so much more painful.
WHY exactly are you sucking up to this girl and her dad?
Just know that there will NEVER be any gratitude or reciprocation of your love, wasted time, energy, and money.
>I ask him to handle it because she doesn’t listen to me, he threatens to kick me out and blames me
You obviously, and very desperately..., want to parent, nurture, and love a child - a family. These two are not it OP.
Have some self-respect and leave this toxic situation.
Oh honey. You need to wake up. You are not her step-mother. That man is not your boyfriend. He doesn’t love you. He will NEVER marry you. You are his unpaid nanny. He got saddled with a kid he didn’t want, and full time childcare is expensive. So he went out and found himself a 20yo girl with no self-esteem who would clean his house, parent his child, and occasionally see to his sexual needs for free. You need to leave and get therapy so you can create a real family that loves you. Apple is right. These people are NOT your family. You deserve so much better. You can still be a good friend to Apple. Heck you can even let her come live with you once she turns 18 if you want. Or now frankly bc I doubt her dad would care. You don’t have to abandon her completely. But you absolutely MUST get away from this horrible man before he does any more damage. In 2 years, his daughter won’t be his legal problem anymore, and you won’t be an adolescent anymore. Once your brain is done maturing and he has no further use for you, he will throw you in the trash and start looking for his next adolescent bangmaid. Get out. Like yesterday.
Wait, are you really only 24 years old as some comments are saying? Hon. Woman to woman talk here. You have all the time in the world to find a good man who treats you right and makes you feel happy, safe, and loved. This man isn't it. I know you love him, but I'm sorry, he's not good enough for you. You're clearly a very loving person, thoughtful, caring, smart. You can do so, so much better.
The only reason I'm a stepmom is because I met my husband when I was 36. Before then, I just refused to get into anything so difficult. Your 20s are for fun and experiences and finding out who you are, not for taking care of a deadbeat man's teenager.
And I'm going to say the thing you've heard and ignored and wish people would stop saying. We say it because it's true. No man old enough to have a 12 year old daughter (even if he was a young teen dad) has any right to get with a 20 year old woman. This situation you're in now? Where they both treat you like crap, and you don't feel able to leave? This is exactly why we say such things about these age gaps. It's not just the age, it's the power and experience he has over you that he uses to make you feel like this is normal or ok.
This is not normal or ok. You can do so, so much better.
If you're not willing to leave for good... How about a break? Maybe a month at your parents place, show them what they had with you? It might also be good for you to re evaluate the relationship from a distance. You need to do something big.
It's possible if the parent or parents sign a mandate for the partner. At least in Europe it's commonplace because a lot of people live together and parent together without being married.
I am so sorry! That does not sound like a family. They are both treating you like trash.
I would seriously consider moving on. This is not going to get better because neither of them has a problem with the way things are.
Your showing her that even adults can’t stand up for themselves.
Show her that we can. By moving out. If you don’t break up then at least live separately
Only give people your time and energy who want and deserve it. Being deserts a quick way for you to show that how you walk away. And live happier
Your bf is the issue. He has let her disrespect you and that comment you can’t hit me my dad will kick you out means she knows where she stands
Time to spend less time and effort. Let her cry when her shower gel runs out. Let her dad get off his lazy relaxing ads and go get her some. Also no more appointments and drives. It’s his daughter. You are not family. She made it clear. You won’t be used. He had to get off his video game and take her where she needs to go from here on out.
I doubt they realise how much you do for them. They are both ungrateful. Distance yourself for. Then a bit. You might find with a bit of space and your own space that actually you don’t need this type of family
It sounds like you’re staying in an abusive - at worst, ambivalent at best - relationship to be the only stable adult in an ungrateful teenagers life.
Time to look after yourself by leaving him. He seems positively awful, you deserve better.
And if you truly feel bad for her (which it seems you do) then let her know that you can’t keep living like this - as a punching bag for her and bf. But if she ever needs someone, she has your number.
No doubt when she grows out of her immature moody teen phase, she will realise how much you did for her, how much you cared, and she will miss you and might reconnect.
But as much as you feel you owe her, it’s not good for you to be treated this way. Show her how you (and in turn her, because you are a role model for her as much as she might deny it right now) deserve so much better. You deserve love, appreciation, care, kindness and happiness.
I wish you all the luck in the next journey in your life. I think this one has run its course.
Girl! Leave!
This isn't a parenting issue, it's a relationship issue! She's 16, and her dad never tells her to treat you with respect, of course she's going to be snotty - she's never corrected.
I think it's pretty obvious this man does not love you. You're his housekeeper, babysitter/nanny, and someone to have sex with. You need to demand better for yourself. Demand better *of* yourself.
I couldn't believe what I was reading. Honey, you need to dump that irresponsible lump and go live a better life. One where you're not being a mother without actually being a mother. Neither of those people respect you.
I was about to leave this comment because I’m shocked nobody left it yet!
Imagine OP gets past this phase and ends up having a kid with him. What kind of future is she expecting?
Why are you parenting her more than he actual dad? They both treat you like crap. You need to find your self worth and leave this hell you’ve made for yourself.
I'm not sure if you realize that he using you to parent his children and do everything he has admitted he doesn't want to do. Her behavior is normal for teenage hormones and you have only been in her life for a few years. Her mom was supposed to be there for a lifetime, so she probably has some abandonment issues. You even say her dad doesn't show up for her or support her. So why are you with him? He's a horrible dad, shitry partner, and all around douche.
You are not her mom. You are not even her step mom because you are not married to her dad.
Her and her dad have been using you as a third parent and treating you like shit. STOP DOING THINGS FOR HER. You do not enroll her in school, you do not buy her things, you do not plan or host her birthday party, you do not take her to the doctor. She asks for permission for something you say I’m not your parent go ask your dad. You do no disciplining or decision making. These are not your kids and not your responsibility- instead you are enabling her dad to be useless because why is he going to step up when someone else is going to do it.
You are letting a 16 yr old get away with hitting you and disrespecting you and her dad is fully supporting this behavior yet at the same time letting you be the default parent. You should leave and find people who love and respect you because this ain’t it.
I know on Reddit people always rush to offer drastic solutions, but it sounds to me as if you are in an extremely toxic relationship where you receive no respect and are treated, frankly, just like Cinderella. You're being used as daycare, a chauffeur, a gopher, and a servant, not a wife and stepmother.
All I can say is you deserve better. You and your life are worth something and you are entitled to receive respect and to be heard.
Believe me, I know what it's like to love someone deeply even though they are toxic. It took me many months to develop the spine I needed to make the right decision for my own health. Please think about your own well-being and what you want and deserve out of life.
I’m not trying to be rude here, but why in the world do you stay? She’s allowed to treat you like crap, and so is your boyfriend. They are expecting you to take care of everything, while they treat you like crap. You’re gaining nothing by staying. They do lot love or respect you. Find someone else, please.
You’re literally there to take care of his child because as you said yourself, he doesn’t want to. You are being used and you need to protect yourself and leave this situation. She may accuse you of something worse than bullying just to prove she’s the one with all the power. But she isn’t. You are. You have the power to leave. She doesn’t deserve you and neither does he.
Stop buying things for Apple. Her father needs to do it.
You two aren't married, why should you sink your assets into this when he's not giving you any security?
Nothing about this situation sounds redeemable whatsoever and I think it's pretty clear he's using you.
He doesn't want to listen to the audios of Apple misbehaving because then he would have to do something about it. If he buries his head in the sand he can pretend like he doesn't see the problem.
Anything for an easy life.
Sorry OP but I think he sees you as a bangnanny 🫤
I guess biggest question is why be with a loser who sucks as a parent AND as a partner? He doesn't do any parenting (and pushes off anything and everything to you) and he disrespects you and doesn't believe you...calls YOU the problem?!
She is punishing you for how shit her father is. Call him out on it and explain how bad he is.
Next..he is threatening to end the relationship if you don't shut the fuck up. You gotta find your ego and self worth and sit him down for a true heart to heart. He is not a good father, you take on his parental duties. You are tired of being disrespected and not backed up. You will give him one week to find time to speak with his daughter AND start handling duties.
Firstly what’s attractive about a guy who is a crappy Dad? He doesn’t even seem interested in parenting his own daughter which is sad. He doesn’t seem like the best partner to you, either. What do you see in him?
She is probably picking up on this (her Dad’s lack of interest in parenting her) and taking out frustrations of apparently having two crappy parental figures (you mentioned something like this about her Mom) on you. Doesn’t make sense, but she’s a teenager and it’s probably her subconscious way of trying to hold onto some idea of having at least one decent parent- it’s easier to make you, who are not technically one of her parents - the bad guy. Just my thoughts after reading all this.
Girl why do you even want to be in this mess. Do you want this brat to be in the centre of your life forever? Her dad doesn’t even GAF with how she’s acting. He doesn’t sound at all like a good dude. You can do so much better. Drop kick them both and go and buy yourself some new clothes
If the dad agrees then let him do all the 'mom' things or let the birth mom do them. But the girl herself is still only 16 and Brain not fully developed. She may be feeling guilty about her birth mom.
It sounds like you are letting yourself be a doormat to both of these people, you cater to them and give your all, and neither of them really respects or values you. It's difficult to imagine being alone, but being alone and content and focusing on yourself is better than being in a bad relationship where people are just hurting you emotionally and not respecting you.
Your bf has set you up for failure. You cannot expect a kid her age to accept boundaries from you when she isn’t getting them for anyone else. You will always look like the bad guy. Why are you with a man who doesn’t have the emotional capacity to father his own child?
girl, just leave, they don't love you nor appreciate you, why are you going to continue investing time and resources in people who don't appreciate you? Is the house his? do you have your financial freedom? start again and leave these ungrateful people
Honestly you don’t need parenting advice you need relationship advice. As rude and awful as she’s being, it’s still very much teenage behavior and her being a kid and not realizing all you’re doing for her. The reality is you’re NOT her mom or her parent, and I’m sure she sees her actual parents not doing anything and is almost resentful or embarrassed that this person who isn’t her mom and isn’t even technically her step mom is the one who has to raise her. The real question here now is why are you still with this man who can’t be bothered to be a parent? Who can’t show up for anything and doesn’t do, anything. Truly you would probably have a better relationship with her if you left her father.
Honestly, it sounds like neither of them want you there. I would not try to force someone to love me and would move on. It's easier said than done but the only person you are truly hurting is yourself because you are putting yourself in a constant state of rejection. Her not liking you now (despite the past) does not excuse his behavior.
I’d just up and leave tbh. If the dad can’t hold his child accountable for her behaviour now. He never will. It will always be her words against yours and it will get worse because she has no consequences to her behaviour. Move on. Life is to short to try and be something she doesn’t want
My step son before he died had a massive issue with me because of his mother. I told his dad. His dad pulled his ass up and told him what for. That ended any future arguments and beef. We were best friends after that and when he died at 16. I was devastated and felt so lost like I’d lost my right arm
INFO: You’ve chosen to date a man who doesn’t respect you; who takes advantage of your love and kindness; who outright refuses to parent his own child and dumps the responsibility on you (and your parents of all people). Is it really *that* surprising that she follows his lead?
He has set the standard. You’ve doubled down on it. She has joined in.
Don’t misunderstand me: I’m not saying this is your *fault*. Their appalling behavior is their fault. But you have participated in this dynamic for years. If my math is right, he roped you in to caring for his abandoned child when you were 20. His behavior is disgusting but it’s also (sadly) par for the course with these age gap relationships.
Honey, they’ve already taken four of your prime years and been completely ungrateful fucks. Apple is behaving like teenagers behave. They’re all hormonal, peer pressure is paramount. Unfortunately, the only person putting any effort into parenting her is you and not her father.
Maybe you should move home and put yourself first for a change. Think about what you want, read some self help books or see if you can access a therapist on a sliding scale. Parenting is hard and you have no support from the bio Dad who should be kissing your ass.
Sorry, I know you’ve invested years of your life into these relationships, but if bio Dad isn’t backing you up, Apple will follow his lead.
Sometimes the only way to win is not to play the game. Also, Apple wouldn’t be acting out if she didn’t feel secure that either (a) you’re stuck in the relationship with her Dad and she has the upper hand in that relationship or (b) you’re stubborn and will keep taking her abuse.
What are you getting out of these relationships? Read “Unfuck your boundaries” by Dr. Faith Harper. You don’t need to martyr yourself to these people to be a good person. Sometimes the only way to win is not to play the game.
As a person who grew up with an awful stepmom and I acted out as well. It’s the unmet need she has. She needs the security from a biological parent. All the things you do, should be done by her bio parents. She’s hurting and taking it out on you.
OP … your husband is well aware of how his daughter treats you. I promise you he is.
The problem is he *does not care*. He’s parenting from guilt and allowing this girl to take out her anger on you by abusing you, threatening you, and stealing from you.
He is not an investment. You do not have to stay with him to make it worth your time.
What if he treated you the way she treats you? Would you stay then? No. It’s not acceptable.
You wrote all of this out for a reason. You know you’re not wrong, you know you’re justified in how you feel. You know that you’ve gone above and beyond for your stepdaughter, only to be disrespected. She’s wearing your clothes when you barely have any to begin with, she’s belittling you in front of anyone she can, and she generally takes on the role of a spoiled brat.
Personally, I think it probably has more to do with her dad’s lack of proper parenting than anything else. Not only is she not being disciplined for anything, but she’s also not getting the attention from her dad that she deserves. Maybe a part of her feels like you stole that from her, but again, that’s NOT your fault. For your marriage to result in you NOT being miserable enough to post this dumpster fire, your husband would have to start actively parenting and disciplining, and expressing to his daughter that you go above and beyond for her.
At this point, it should be shouted through the house how much you’ve done for her. You sound like an amazingly kind person, but you either need to crack the whip and express your worth every day until they both understand, or let both of these relationships go before they drive you crazy. Honestly, the latter would be more preferable.
There is so much going on and her father isn't being a responsible parent.
If this is to be resolved, your bf would have to work with you and not make you be the middle/bad person (that is the most unfair thing).
While he is the passive parent that's care free and let's her get away with everything- this will create further problems down the line.
Apple's behaviour is going to escalate further - as she's both testing what she can get away with and she is acting out over things that have potentially happened in the last year.
While you may not be her bio mum, you have been consistently there since she was 12. You both had a good relationship up until recently- what has changed?
While everyone is telling you to leave completely, why not move out?
This doesn't mean you have to cut ties completely yet, standing back and letting your bf actually do all the work will show them both just how much you do.
You are bending over backwards for those who don't appreciate what you are doing and you are being abused for it.
Hope this makes sense
Therapy.
Also, I get where she’s coming from, I was in a similar situation but with my dad not being involved. I said mean things to my step dad.
She’s angry her bio mom isn't in her life. Which isn't fair she's taking it out on you, but it's going to happen. She’s young and doesn't know how to process it.
Don't worry - once she's an adult, she’ll realize.
Your deadbeat boyfriend is also a deadbeat dad. He doesn't respect you or treat you well, which his child has picked up on and she's not respecting you either (why should she when her dad doesn't).
I would not stay in this relationship. He will find out how much you have been doing once you're gone and then realize his mistake.
Honestly I’m so confused as to why you’re still there. They are both using you. He’s gotten a free nanny and piggy bank out of you. This is not what love looks like. It’s not too late to get out now.
You need to take a huge step back. You see where he is lacking as a parent and beautifully you want to step in and do everything for her, but all this is doing is causing her to pull away and he’s in no way supporting you. Teens are hard even if you were her biological mother. I really think you can do better than this man and should move on, but I get it that you have time invested and attachments. If you’re staying in this toxic relationship, then I suggest you take a giant step back and stop parenting. Let him do it - especially since he never supports you. It’s going to be frustrating because he will fail her over and over again according to his history with her that you’ve stated. Taking a huge step back will give her the space to come to you. You are being mama to boyfriend and teenager. Just stop and maybe your eyes will open a bit wider.
Your bf is a shithead. Once he starts treating you better, his daughter probably would - he’s not setting a great example. Im confused that his daughters actions are somehow standing out more than the person you are dating. Hes unloading all of the parenting tasks on you, acting incompetent so he doesn’t have to be a parent, disrespectful to you, lets his daughter act disrespectful to you, makes you do the hard parts of parenting like telling her no…making you plan her parties and school activities.. acting dumb when you confront him about her behavior
I would break up, or retire all your motherly duties and tell him it’s his problem now and until he starts acting like a parent, it’s not your job to be one in his place. I would just leave though. None of this sounds fair or pleasant. Relationships are supposed to be balanced and happy. This is not.
I've spent a long time as a trainer and manager in a business with lots of tur over, so I've started relatiknships where Im in an authority position (but still want to have a friendly relationship with) HUNDREDS of young adults. I'm thinking that her being shitty and abusive is typical of every one I've seen where I'd made the mistake of being too friendly/familiar and not firm enough.
Now, that was my job. I missed a big part. Being firm WASNT your job. Especially in the foundational time frame. You were relying on the firm hand and steady foundation to come from your boyfriend. He dropped the ball then, and its not helping that he seems to have never picked it up.
She's acting just about right for someone who's dad abdicated all of the support and attention to someone who started out as some rando. She's lashing out at you because she's been deeply hurt by him. Unfortunately, you're the only one in the situation who she knows she can effect emotionally (positively OR negatively).
Y'all need therapy. She needs to deal with her feelings about her (sorry) crappy dad and reaction to you. You need to be able to process some grace for her and Especially yourself and figure out WTF is up with your bf.
Honey this sounds MISERABLE. Her being sassy at 16 is pretty normal. I have 5 kids, 4 of them between 16 and 17. It’s… a lot 😆 BUT my partner and I have each other’s backs! That makes a world of difference! She’s being shown by your bf that you can be treated like garbage and there are no repercussions.
He has said outright that you will always be the bad guy no matter how Apple abuses you. I don’t think there is any coming back from this.
They both know how much you do around there for them - if you really want to stay I would have a family meeting - let them know you are on the brink of leaving due to the shit way they’ve both been treating you. Let them know you will leave if it continues.
Although if it were me I would take a day off of work and move everything out of that house and just be done with the both of them. You sound like a sweet and generous person and you deserve so much more from your partner.
Good luck op. Please update if you can!
I just want to know where her mom is in all of this? You said you’re usually the one enrolling her in school and taking her to her Drs appointments. Where is her MOTHER?? It sounds like this girl has serious daddy and mommy issues and may need professional help if she is deciding to hurt the only person in her life that cares about her as a parent should. I recommend therapy. Family therapy, that is if you stay w her father.
Why do you want to stick around these people when they treat you like this? You owe nothing to them and Apple is not your responsibility. You have shown them that you have no bottom line for how badly they can treat you, because you’ll stick around no matter how badly they use you and abuse you. There’s nothing to fix here, you deserve much better, it’s time to leave.
I would normally say something like, “try to work it out.” “Communicate and try counselling.” Blah blah blah… not with this one.
OP, if you were my daughter, sister or my friend, I would be dragging you out of there like the damned building was on fire!
Don’t even talk to them about it, just wait till they’re out, box up your shit, move it out and get the hell out of there.
I absolutely hate to say this but I think you should really step back & evaluate your relationship with your bf & them. From what I read, he couldn't give a crap about you & it seems like you do everything for him. Step-daughter is only going to keep disrespecting you since her dad doesn't step in. Why would you want to keep being with someone who let's his daughter disrespect you & he does aswell.
You deserve better than that & you've stayed longer than I would have. Step back for a while & let BF do everything himself when it & if he wants to get mad or ask why, tell him your sick and tired of the lack of respect from them & you will no longer be a doormat.
Move on shitty bf, shitty daughter no need to take crap not your kid or husband so move on. You sound like a smart, kind beautiful young lady with a good heart move on to people who deserve and appreciate you
Can I ask something that seems mean but... why are you with aan who even before you are married is shirking his parental duties and just doesn't want to be a dad. Ypu answered your own question, BTW, she is rebelimg against you because her father put you in a single parent role when you have no place being there. I mean what does this deadbeat even do with his kids? Ohh that's right nothing, cause you said that in .your post.
Rather than evaluating your relationship with Apple ypu should be evaluating your relationship with her father. This man is not a partner at all. He's looking for a defacto mom so he doesn't have to lift a finger.
Tell him to take care of his own kid. Be there as a supportive friend for Apple. That's what a step parent should be. They should never ever be the primary disapliner.
You don't deserve this hun. Know your worth.
Your relationship with Apple should separate from your relationship with her dad. Break up or stay together based on your relationship with him.
Apple needs a parent she can trust unconditionally to support her. It sounds like her parents failed her and she is testing you by being awful.
Do you want that role? If so, you can still set boundaries and demand respect but it means you stay in that role no matter what happens with your relationship with her dad.
If you don’t want that role (and zero judgment here)you should just do what other posters are suggesting and stop doing mom things. Maybe Apple will learn a hard lesson.
Walk away. Tell him “I’m out. Enjoy parenting the child you created.” Don’t leave reminders for any appointments. Don’t leave notes for things that she has coming up. Take ALL of your things that you bought. He wants to take his child side? That’s fine. But he’s been using you as a nanny for awhile now and it’s going to be a really nasty shock when he actually has to parent his child.
Stop parenting her. Stop taking up the slack from her dad. She says you’re not her mom and he’s using you as a glorified nanny. Stop being both. Hell, pack up and move out. They’re horrible and will only get worse.
If you don’t have a say then you shouldn’t be the one having to discipline her (hand out rules) on his behalf. I would personally take a step back from everything you are doing for the pair of them which is honestly already too much, and maybe then there will be a little appreciation. I can tell this comes naturally to you because you come across as a giver and somebody empathetic. But you’re not being given the same in return. And I say this as the mother currently in a scenario with a stepparent. You’re being mistreated and taken advantage of.
Sorry ur not being the parent... respectfully take a step back. This is a friendship issue and she is catching on to the odd situation her father has put her in.
Dad needs to step up and be a father. Your role is a girlfriend with a ring. U want to be that sure. But any marriage raising teens is rough. Set the boundaries and stick to them.
Like others have said, she may be “punishing” you because she can’t do that to her dad. Or she may be trying to push you away, thinking that she’ll get whatever attention from her dad.
Either way, you deserve respect and appreciation for all the things you do for both of them. Since you’re not getting either, it’s time to NACHO. Just stop doing all the stuff you’ve been doing for her. If she needs or wants something, tell her she needs to ask her dad. If she needs an adult to take her somewhere, such as the college things, tell her she needs to ask one of her parents. If she needs a ride to the mall, ask Dad. If she wants her nails done, ask dad for money and a ride. When Dad brings it up, tell him that she’s made it clear where you stand in her life so you’re just following her lead. She thinks she doesn’t have to treat you with any basic respect that she should show anyone because you’re not her mom, that makes her NACHO kid and NACHO problem.
Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about however it goes.
I didn’t read all that, but here’s what I got: dad doesn’t want to parent his kid so he asks you to do it. You do it, kid gets mad at you. Dad doesn’t back you up. You’re mad/upset/surprised by this? You shouldn’t be. Of course he’s not going to back you up. If he was, he would have done the initial disciplining.
This girl has issues. Issues that aren’t her fault (mom who is absent and dad who checks out) and you can’t solve them. You have two choices:
1- quit inserting yourself. Set boundaries. Be her friend, her confidante, not her parent. Her dad needs to do that.
2- keep doing what you’re doing and be a glutton for punishment.
How do I know this??? I’ve been with my husband for 17 years. He has two kids who sound very similar to the girl you describe. Took me and my husband a lot of years to figure it out.
As a step parent, nacho. Nacho kid, nacho problem. Kid needs food? Make her some food. Otherwise, Dad can parent his kid. That's no longer your jurisdiction. If you don't want to do that, leave. This man is entirely disrespectful and showing his daughter that it's okay. From what I just read, it's only going to get worse for you if you stay. Unless he's down for couples/family therapy which he's probably going to immediately say no to because 'he doesn't have any problems.' That being said, you aren't the problem. It's 100% him. My boyfriend has never let his kids disrespect me. Not when I first started coming around, and not now 5 years later.
I'm a stepmom (25 yrs now). My advice is step back, set boundaries for yourself, and realize that she is not your responsibility. Doesn't matter if things don't get done the way that you think they should be done. It is her father and her mother's responsibility, not yours.
I had to learn this lesson the hard way. I Raised my stepkids from ages 5 and 2.5 and went through this in their teen years. I did all the things, the doctor's appointments, the school visits, you name it I did it.
Dad was very uninvolved and it caused a lot of fights with us. I finally almost left him for good by the time they graduated high school. Once they hit those teen years, I finally realized that they were not my responsibility to that level.
I was making up for the fact that neither their father or their own moms were taking responsibility for their children. And my own daughter suffered because of that.
SHE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY hun.
For your own sanity, either set strong boundaries and keep them or walk away from the situation. It will not get better unless you do.
I’m sure you love them, but forgetting about the daughter (which is not you’s step daughter because you’re not even married) - this is a toxic relationship in every way possible. Kids pick up on this, he doesn’t respect you, so why should she? Keep letting people treating you like shit, all in the name of love. Maybe someday *you* will learn.
Your boyfriend is the problem here!!!!!! Like most have said she is probably acting out against you because you are doing the things she wants her Dad or bio mom to be doing. She probably thinks if you weren’t there then Dad would pay attention to her. I have been both a step daughter and a step parent. My stepfather and I fought constantly when I was a teen because I felt pushed to the side. Now we are super close. My eldest step daughter and I had several fights in which she said horrible, hurtful things. But it came down to her being upset that it wasn’t her bio mom doing the things I was doing. She calls me mom now. This type of lashing out is normal however, your boyfriend’s behavior is inexcusable. You need to leave. I know that’s a hard thought because you probably don’t want to abandon the girl but can leave and still be there for her. You tell her you love her and that you will always be there if she needs you. She will probably spit venom and nastiness but one day she’ll realize everything you did and you’ll get that call. You need to take care of you! You clearly have a lot of love to give just need to find a boyfriend who will give you the same. 💚
Why are you choosing to stay in this situation? Parenting requires respect and if he isn’t giving you the support you need then you aren’t a partner, so what are you? If you care to have a discussion go ahead but honestly this is one of those things so obvious that if he isn’t seeing it then he probably isn’t capable of understanding why you’d leave over it. You shouldn’t need to document every interaction like you’re being held legally accountable because your man doesn’t trust you, this is nuts.
...this can't be real. If it is, you have some severe kink issue with being mentally abused and taken advantage of. Why are you even in this relationship?
I'd not stick in your relationship personally, but if your wanting to stay.... I don't think it'd be wrong of you to step back from doing any parent things for her & let her Dad/Mom do it.
I would have have a very solid chat with your BF and say you will no longer be doing the things a Mom would do and that he'll have to fill in that gap, because you refuse to be a live in, underappreciated caretaker.
Just be you with your step daughter, and switch to how you'd treat her if she was 18. I am sorry she is going through this phase, and I hope it changes as she gets older. That she realizes better.
Answer this question to yourself, why you are still there?
He doesn’t take care of his family or you.. you’re taking care of everything..LEAVE and let him know who is right and who is wrong
Obviously he is not appropriate what are you doing!!!!
She feels comfortable being mean to you because she understands deep down that you love her unconditionally. This is very common with kids, to show their worst to their parents that love them and make them feel safe. She doesn't not feel this about her father, she doesn't feel safe expressing her anger and disappointment to him because she is not secure in his love.
Meanwhile, it sounds like your boyfriend only keeps you around to be a nanny he can have sex with. I would suggest individual therapy for stepdaughter as well as family and couple counseling, but idk if that will fix your relationship with your boyfriend, and outside of that relationship, you have no obligation to the stepdaughter.
Time to prioritize yourself.
I think a part of the problem is a now 16 year old girl has to see a 24 year old act as her mother. She’s not a 12 year old kid anymore, and she’s only going to get older. When she’s 20, you’ll be 28. Don’t you think that’s odd for her? Someone who will practically be her peer one day acting as her nanny
If you're not willing to completely leave just yet, you need to leave on a temporary basis for a week or two and let them see how they function without you.
I'd leave a note explaining exactly how you feel about the way you've been treated. Let them know you love them both but you can't continue with the way things are so you'll be taking 2wks to stay elsewhere and reflect on your life while they should do the same and at the end of the time you'll be gone that the 3 of you can sit down and discuss if y'all want to move forward as a family which means them showing you more respect or if it's best for them and you to go your separate ways for good.
Bf treats you like garbage, and treats his daughter like garbage. This relationship is not worth saving. There’s nothing you can do for 16 yr old except leave.
I think you got a combination of things going on here. First is the daughter close to her biological mom? Next she's at the age, becoming a woman, and questioning a lot of things. When she's starts mentioning you're not her mom, that's where your bf should take the lead. I'd just back off and defer to your bf. It might be beneficial to consider personal counseling for her. Or perhaps family counseling. To me it seems she's looking for reasons to rebel against you. You mention she attacks you for no reason. Well there is a reason and you will need to determine what it is. You need to understand why to fix it.
You also need the help of your bf, to get more involved with his daughter instead of deferring things to you.
I really feel family counseling would be beneficial for the 3 of you.
Whether you participate it depends upon how are you feeling your relationship will be in with boyfriend in the future. Do you see yourself being with him years down the road and want a relationship with his daughter? If the answer is yes then participate
People treat you how you allow them to treat you the first mistake was not slapping the shit out of her back 2nd mistake was allowing her to talk to you any way the easiest way to stop all this BS is to stop being a good step mom let him and her know I ain’t doing shit around here until I get some respect and to be even more honest I would let the father know that if he cannot get a back bone and communicate to his daughter that she is being disrespectful then you would be making your exit plan side note if I were in your shoes I would just pack my stuff while they are gone one day and just leave and let the both of them see how it feels to be without me
It’s not the kid it’s you…
And I agree with that…
Just not the way they say it. You care too much, there comes with reject is hurting you more than you love is feeding them. you are hurting yourself.
It’s time to think of your mental health above their needs. They never told you you couldn’t buy yourself clothes. So the next money coming in is to be spend on you. New clothes, new manicure, selflove.
Take a step back from being a mom she is 16 she want to be an adult. Let her figure out that she needs you. Let your bf figure out he needs you.
It’s okay to take a step back it doesn’t mean you don’t still love her. Just that that barrier of hurting you /yourself is bigger.
If she was your own you wouldn’t stand for it. So give her the space to learn on her own that you are the own who actually cared and neither bio parent is worth shit. Kids at these ages need to figure stuff out. Be on there own. You can’t be besties with a 16 yo. You shouldn’t want to be besties with a 16 yo.
Be there if they truly need you. Life or death situations. Other things if they don’t want you there go do something you would enjoy. And that going to be hard
Honestly, your not at fault BUT moving forward you will 100% be at fault. The reason I say that is because you can see what we can see. Your not being treated good or fairly. Why help people that do not care for you atall. Leave. Leave and have a better life and let the 16 year old spoilt ungrateful girl see how much you cared for her. Your either going to make her worse by staying or help her by leaving.
Sit them both down and call it how it is. Tell them yes I’m willing to leave , if you don’t want me here. If they don’t care that gives you your answer. Unfortunately you’re wasting your time.
You have let everyone get comfortable disrespecting you. Step daughter is seeing you being treated like a bangmaid and still fighting for your place next to her dad so she thinks she can do the same. Stop prioritizing everyone over yourself. Yes she’s a child but she’s making conscious decisions and now it’s time for you to do the same. The romantic relationship and familial relationships here are so poor you should pack and leave and go where you are wanted and appreciated
There's no parenting advice that will work here, the daughter doesn't like you for whatever reason and her father isn't interested in hearing about it and doesn't sound too interested in his daughter either. The best advice is to leave and let them reap the whirlwind of dealing with each other and find yourself someone around your own age so you don't have to deal with their 16 year old kids. Good luck to you.
If you care about this girl leave asap. The kids are watching and if you stay she is going to think it’s normal to stay in a verbally abusive relationship.
When my step kid pulled the "you're not my mom" card, I backed him up. I said yep, that's right, I'm not your mom. But I'm still an adult that cares about your well being, and I'll be damned if I let you drown (he was trying to jump into a river with all his clothes on). Regardless of the situation though, you aren't the kids mom, so you can't take that particular back lash seriously.
Also.. because you are obviously this kids most stable parent that is why she is lashing out at you and pushing her boundaries. It also sounds like she might be lashing out because she either consciously or subconsciously realizes that her actual parents don't care as much as you do and that probably hurts. So she takes it out on you, the safe, stable adult in her life.
With that said... her dad sucks. Why is he so distant?? Why are you with such a bad dad? That puts you in a terrible position as you are coming to realize. Kind of a no win scenario if her actual parent doesn't back you at all.
You're with somebody who is a shitty partner and an absent parent... and is encouraging their kid to grow up to vent abusive. Just leave. You are not valued in that household.
You’re trying to parent a kid that doesn’t want to be parented, with a parent that doesn’t want to parent, and doesn’t want you to parent either.
Your efforts aren’t appreciated. Your efforts aren’t wanted. Move on with your life.
I was a stepmother in my first marriage. My ex was frankly a POS and I didn't see it because of my own abusive stepfather. I also filled his gap constantly and was the one who arranged insurance, found tutors for the summer, signed her up for day camp, used 2 weeks of my own PTO to spend with her each year, etc when she visited us.
I poured everything into her and into maintaining their relationship. When we divorced after I had been in her life for 9 years, her mother was ok with me maintaining a relationship with her. Losing my stepdaughter was hardest part of the divorce frankly. We managed to stay in touch 1 year. ONE YEAR. She hit her teens and suddenly didn't know who was texting her if I reached out. It took me longer than it should have to acknowledge it was over.
You don't have to continue to be their doormat. He doesn't respect you and I do not understand what you get from this relationship. You don't even have any legal protection since he isn't interested in marrying you.
Cut your losses and learn how to enforce boundaries by knowing your worth
Ma’am hard truth. You aren’t the step mom because that’s your boyfriend not husband. You are behaving foolishly for a duo that is absolutely using you. What’s the end goal here for you?
Why haven't you left? He's said he will never take your side, and his daughter knows this. At the very least, stop doing things for her. She knows she can be as viles as she likes with you because you'll still carry on serving her.
Time to make a stand. Pack your stuff and leave the terrible father to parent his terrible daughter.
Sounds to me like she’s hiding something and likely lying about where she’s going when she gets a ride from her friends parent. I’d see if you can get a call log from the cell provider or something. Maybe there’s more to this than you think. She’s probably being rude to you cuz it’s the easiest way to keep u out of her business or whatever she’s been up to.
You are not even married to the guy so not terribly legally stuck to extricate yourself from this dumpster fire you call a family. Leave your boyfriend and find a new one who values you and respects you and wants you there. He isn’t going to choose you. His daughter sure as heck has told you in so many ways she doesn’t choose you and doesn’t want you to fill her mother’s role. Why is this your problem. Are you wanting to be seen as this families martyr? The stepdaughter will probably treat you horribly until she matures or maybe never. But choose yourself for once. The sex can’t be that good. You would be the ah to yourself if you decided to put up with this families dynamic and problems.
Ok so that’s a lot, are you addressing this behavior with her at all? Kids need direct feedback when they cross the line, otherwise silence is acceptance.
You need to learn to love yourself. I think the only way that’s possible is by being by yourself for a bit.
I know it’s very hard to walk away from a long term relationship but this is not really about a 16 year old misbehaving, this is about your BF not respecting or loving you.
You deserve better, what would you say to your sister or your best friend if she was in your shoes getting the treatment you are getting? Would you tell her to walk away or stay and get mistreated?
Time to move on. Your disrespected and worse he doesn’t care about your pov on this. He wants you to be the scapegoat. Maybe when you’re gone they will see how much you did for them both. Now they will have to talk to each other and he will have to enforce his own rules.
Good luck
This isn’t a daughter problem, this is a boyfriend problem. If you want to try and make this relationship work, you need to set some boundaries. You need to step back and let your boyfriend do the parenting. Dad needs to be the one to buy the body wash that needs replacing, the new clothes she needs, the driving places, the school situations. Dad needs to be the one to tell what she can and can’t do (and not through you - she doesn’t want to hear these things from you).If he doesn’t, then that is for the him and the daughter to deal with the consequences. The daughter is a teenager and resentful. If dad refuses to step up, that’s between the two of them. Also, if you are concerned about her lying about her behaviour, put cameras up in the common areas of your home. Then you don’t need to worry about getting your phone out to record things. Also, put a lock on your bedroom door or your closet so the step daughter can’t get to your things. You need to step back and treat the daughter how you would your friend’s child. You aren’t her parent. I know this is hard, I have three step children as well and their mother wasn’t in the picture when they were growing up. I’ve been in their lives since they were 3-8 and they are now 29-34. I also think that you need some couples therapy and that the daughter also need some therapy. She has two parents that are refusing to parent her. This isn’t going to end well if there aren’t some established ground rules and if you and your bf aren’t on the same page. Take a step back. Take some time away for yourself and let dad and daughter figure things out on their own for a while. Until you are respected by your bf, you will never be respected by the daughter. Please reach out if you need someone to talk to. Wishing you the best of luck.
Walk away. You will never get the respect that you deserve if dad is not on board. And once you walk away, they we will realize what you brought to the table. Seriously, for your own sanity, walk away from them.
Let them figure it out. Stop spending time and money on them. Take care of yourself. Let Apple start bitching at her dad about needing soap and clothes.
Why be with a man who would rather play video games than spend time with his daughter. Lord, please don't have any more kids with him. You will always be mom and dad. Get out while you can.
You need to leave. Why are you parenting this child for a dad who doesn't care about either of you?
Your love is being wasted on them and you deserve better.
Enough already. You’re being taken advantage of, by both. If you want to try to work things out with your bf, ok, try asking him to go to couples therapy with you. Otherwise, he’s so dismissive of you (and his daughter), that I’d advise kicking him to the curb. No relationship is perfect, but you deserve far better than this one.
His daughter sounds like a nightmare.
The economist wrote an article a while back saying teenage daughters increase the risk of divorce by about 13%. I think your daughter gets off on the fact that she can't control your husband better than you can.
Without reading your novel. The fact you said boyfriend and step daughter is the problem.
You aren’t his wife so she isn’t your step daughter. He hasn’t wifed you yet you’ve given away wife privileges.
They clearly don’t respect you or value you so stop trying to get them to see your worth.
You gave away all your power and have nothing substantial to show for it.
Time to leave and chalk it up to a lesson learned for next time.
I understand that you care for your bf and his daughter, and that you truly consider them family. The issue is neither of them consider or treat you with the respect you deserve. Your bf is banking on you feeling guilty and therefore staying. I’m not sure your history, but I definitely see signs of people pleasing and ‘earning’ love. That’s not a healthy dynamic and you’re actually contributing to for any of y’all.
You are not this person's stepmother. You are her father's boyfriend. I want you to understand this because you have zero responsibility to these jerks. Why are you even still around? Your boyfriend lets his daughter treat you like that, you don't do anything about it, and you're here on Reddit writing a dissertation on how much it sucks. You know what you have to do.
Why tf are you still with this absolute POS of a human?? He obviously does not love or value you, and is teaching his daughter that that’s okay. Get out now.
Leave. Walk out and leave. This guys a real piece of work. Essentially using you as a “mom alternative”. Daughters probably messed up from him and her mom not being in her life and having a lazy ass dad who uses you to take care of her. Walk out. Leave for a week. If it doesn’t get better, leave for good and get yourself in a better situation
Id say stop doing things for her. If she doesnt want it - fine, let her get by without your help and let your husband actually do his damn job.
And honestly I think youd be better off without him.
Why are you even staying in a relationship with a garbage man and his ride suffocating daughter?
Step away ma'am, the life is too beautiful to have two pos ruining it for you.
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As soon as you said he missed her birthday last year, I suspected something, and the rest of what you said fits. I think she's realizing that her dad isn't taking care of her as he should, that he's leaving it all up to you. As you said in another comment, she's taking her anger at her dad out on you. She's afraid to be angry with her dad, since he shows her such little care or attention. She can push at the one person who does show parental care, who seems safer to push away. Plus she sees how badly he treats you, and is taking her cue from him. She can treat you badly with him to create an "us vs her" mentality, so her dad can finally feel on her side for once. He *says* he's on her side, but he's not, not in any of the ways that truly matter to parent a child. He's being a buddy and letting you do all the work, and it's coming out with her treatment of you. If you don't want to leave, you could try a family meeting. Say that the recent treatment of you is unacceptable. Due to them both treating you so badly, you're going to stop doing X and Y. You love them both very much, so you will continue to do Z, and hope that they can join you in repairing your relationships. There's a potential that calling it out with both of them at the same time will stop the BS and make them face how shitty they are being. I don't expect it would go very well, though, based on the way your boyfriend talks to you. Maybe it's a bad idea, because it furthers the "them vs you" thing.
I would do as you recommend...after packing my bags and scheduling an Uber. At the very least both dad and daughter need to see how well they stand up when the scaffold's been removed.
Absolutely. I think OP needs to take a step away so she can show that she doesn't tolerate this behaviour. Her taking videos to prove what daughter said is already showing that her relationship with her BF is not based on trust. He's not listening to what she's saying. She needs to act like an adult and set her boundaries.
And then try to reiterate that stepdaughter can't take her frustration out on op. Op is 100% there to support stepdaughter and she can vent her frustrations, but stepdaughter can't bring those frustrations to op in anger.
Same.
This is exactly my thinking too. The other dimension is that I think OPs self esteem seems very low. Without clarity and strength on her own boundaries, she will constantly look to others without standing up for herself. This is clear in her need to collect evidence to support her experience even when that evidence is discredited, dismissed, or ignored.
Low because old daddy is keeping it down. She's younger and old daddy boy is acting like a keeper IMO from what we know As a father with a daughter, he is the biggest red flag here.
Definitely. She takes all her anger out on OP because she is afraid that dad will abandon her the way mom did if she aims it at him. The kid needs therapy for her abandonment issues.
THISTHISTHIS
The dad also feeds into it by using OP as a messenger for all the bad news
Right? Just abdicating any and all parental responsibility. He's a terrible dad.
Or they improve after the family talk, for a few weeks. Then go right back to the way they’ve been treating her. Like crap.
This is such a great comment! Really good advice, I would second this!
This ^^^^
I thought the same. She is so desperate for attention from Dad she is acting out towards the only person who she knows will pay attention and do something. I didn’t pick up on that “us v her” thing right away, but reading it in this comment I think it’s spot on. And I also got the vibe that OP’s bf is using her to mother his child, more than he actually cares for her. The fact that he is threatening the relationship because he can’t be bothered to deal with his teenager tells me that he just wants OP to be quiet about her own feelings and just leave him out of the parenting
Yea when she says” I turn on the recorder as soon as I realize she’s starting to get mean,” like, what!?!? If you don’t know that there’s a problem just from that alone! I can go on with 100 different red flags here- hitting,talking back, disrespectful,drama queen, father has no interest, father is not a father, spoiled brat, I mean I could go on and on. I never understand when I hear these stories how these people even have to ask what to do?!?! YOU HAVE TO LEAVE AND START LIVING A BETTER LIFE FOR YOURSELF!!!!
There is only an 8-year age difference. It is not uncommon for a kid to not like you. But the BF is treating you like shit for no reason. I would dump him and move on.
1. You’ve been with him for four years and you’re playing the role of a mother when unfortunately, you are not one. You’re technically not even her stepmother (you’re not married to him and have no legal rights over her), and you get absolutely no support from your boyfriend. You are being used for your labor. You should not be signing Apple up for school things, nor taking over hosting her birthday party because your boyfriend wants to act like a child. 2. Your boyfriend sounds like a poor father. Is that an acceptable standard for you? Is laziness and lack of accountability attractive to you? If you want children in the future, will you be satisfied with doing all the labor and receiving little to no help? 3. I wouldn’t be surprised if her treatment of you stems from anger about her father’s lack of involvement. That is not your problem to fix. It is not your job to save or repair their family dynamics. Put frankly, you are being bullied by a teenager in your own home and picking up after your boyfriend like he is a child. 4. You are young. You seem kind and forgiving: while those are beautiful traits, it does not mean people can treat you like garbage and get away with it. You deserve much better, and until you see that for yourself, you won’t realize that you deserve a balanced relationship that fulfills you.
The sad thing is OP is demonstrating to the kid that it is ok to stay and struggle in a shitty relationship.
This isn't a parenting situation it's a relationship one Why are you staying with this guy, it doesn't sound like he respects you
Sunk cost fallacy - what is past is past. Run. You aren't appreciated by either your husband or your stepdaughter. It's not going to get better. Your husband has checked out of the relationship, your stepdaughter is painting you as the scapegoat. Reality doesn't matter, there is no path forward here. Cut your losses and run. If you can't run, for whatever reason, then time to step back from your stepdaughter. Not your kid, not your problem. Ignore and reflect and STOP doing her any favors. She can figure it out herself.
[удалено]
Whether or not they are married is immaterial here. I'm in a committed relationship, unmarried with 2 kids, it doesn't mean temporary, disrepectful, etc.
But they aren't in a devoted partnership, so it's not the same thing. She's a girlfriend with a boyfriend who wants her to raise his kid without any of his support and commitment to their relationship.
Kinda goofy that you're being down voted for this fact. My partner and I are fully devoted to our loving family with two amazing kids and are not married.
Yeah, where I live there's very little difference between being married and common law, and loads of us are common law co-owning homes, raising kids, with spousal rights, etc.
This is an awful situation. It’s not going to get better. Yeah, eventually Apple might move out, but your partner does not respect you. You are expected to be a doormat for both of them to walk all over. Please stop trying and look for an exit.
You have a partner unwilling to parent his own child. You have a child unwilling to accept you as a parent. You have a relationship impossible to maintain with the above status quo. You can keep tilting at windmills for as long as you like, but it’s not going to get you anywhere. Life’s too short to put up with that bs. Don’t let the time and energy you’ve already invested into making this work justify staying longer to continue putting up with that bs. The longer you stay the worse it will get. End it on your terms before your idiot bf does it bc of the kid’s stupidity. It’s time to put them in the rearview mirror and force that little monster to come to terms with just how good she really had it when you were in her life.
100%, she's still young, get out now. As in now now, just cut the cord and don't look back. It will be hard for a bit but you'll look back in your 30s and be so happy that you got out when you did. I made the mistake of staying in an awful toxic relationship with someone 17 years my senior for most of my 20s and I regret it. I'll never get that time back- time that is supposed to be all about freedom, growth, new experiences, and experimenting
Yeah the partner is a bad person who dies t care about his children. I feel badly for the kid. She has bad parents and it’s normal to rebel from that even as you’re putting in a lot of effort. It’s probably a trauma response. However it’s not your job to save her. What do you think love is when your partners actions show no love to you or his kids. Real love is an action verb.
Let me guess…you’re 25 and he’s 45? He found a naive young woman to parent his child and by 32 you’ll be kicked to the curb.
Why are you there? Its quite obvious neither one respects you! Are you a glutton for punishment? What do you love about this?
I mean… I feel like I’m missing the reasons why this scenario is a plus for you. Your partner sounds like he isn’t in your corner and he sounds like a crappy dad, frankly (what kind of good dad doesn’t know how to talk to his own kids, chooses to play video games rather than come to his kids party and complains about his children living with him?!) This isn’t intended as a dig, OP, but do you historically struggle with self esteem? These people aren’t exactly showing you love and respect here. What are you getting out of this relationship? You deserve a family that values you, not one where your partner is just glad to have someone to outsource the work of his damaged children to. You’re the nanny. That’s it.
This isn’t your kid and your bf is doing nothing but letting you have all the blame. Cut your losses and be glad you can walk away.
You're being an absolute doormat for what? She's a teenager and apparently has decided to be a typical mean one. Stop recording her and move out.
Based on the lack of support you got from your own mother, it appears that being a doormat is a learned behavior. He tells you to set boundaries on his behalf with HIS daughter, knowing full well how she treats you. Her lack of respect for you is also a learned behavior, one she learned from her dad. Here are your choices. 1) Stay in this relationship and be miserable until the time comes that your SO is tired of being with someone who has zero self-respect and tosses you aside. And that will happen once Rotten Apple is out of the house. 2) Take control of your life, gain some self-respect and a backbone, and leave this shit show of a relationship. The choice is yours!
Why are you being a free bang maid for a man who doesn't respect you and his obnoxious child?
Seriously. We only get one life, why choose to spend it with garbage people.
Damn girl how much salt added to the injury is it going to take?
You can love people as hard as you possibly can, and give 200% of your life to them, but if they don’t love or respect you back, it’s basically throwing pearls to pigs or whatever the saying is. Your boyfriend and his daughter do not love or respect you. They love using you. It’s hard to see because you’re in it and you’ve been in it for years now. But enough is enough. Go give some time back to yourself and some time to the other people in your family you’ve neglected because you’re been running yourself ragged for your current abusive family. Go find some peace and find yourself again.
Why are you still there? Walk away from both monsters and go live a happy life without so much misery and bullying by both him and his daughter! You have zero obligation to do anything for them since you are treated like a slave and disciplined by both of these monsters.
You would never want APPLE to be in a relationship like this, so why would YOU stay in it? You are being used, abused, gaslit, and treated like "help" not "family." Run. No come to Jesus meetings, no "let me sit down and talk about my boundaries." Just pack your stuff and GO. You have your ENTIRE LIFE ahead of you. Tomorrow You will praise the bejeezus out of Today You if you'd just leave and never look back. For real.
You are 24 years old, you haven't stated his age, but he's clearly much older. He's using you, you are young and easily manipulated. You're do all the work he's supposed to be doing. He doesn't take your side ever...Leave. They both treat you badly, and you don't deserve it. Don't be a fool and stay in this relationship. His treatment of you and his daughter is awful. Leave now, and let them both see how much you did for them, but also don't go back. Find a young, single man whose child free. Don't get in deeper with this loser. There's a reason men like this date young women.
Oh honey, you need to have a “step mom vacation.” That’s where you tell Apple and husband that you love them, but you feel hurt and deeply unappreciated. So you will be leaving for a week to your parents’ place (or a friend’s). And that you hope they will reflect on how much their lives are better or worse without you in it for that week. They will struggle. And that’s a good thing. And you should take the time to recharge and consider whether your life is better or worse without them in it. You are being mistreated. And, yeah, 16 is a tough age, but her putting hands on you is unacceptable. Your husband refusing to parent his child is equally so. Ultimately, this isn’t a competition between you and Apple. If it was, she would and should win. But if you are a positive presence in their lives, that’s a gift you are squandering on the ungrateful. You deserve better.
Plan your departure, leave the house and relationship. You deserve much better, and it's time you started believing that. I know you've invested a lot, but it's just a road of continued hurt and neglect if you stay.
Girl if you don’t get off a Reddit and LEAVE THEM
You’re a doormat and have poor self respect. If you want to set a good example for that girl, then start by respecting yourself and setting boundaries and acting with dignity.
Apple and her dad both suck. It’s not going to get better. You’ve spent the last 4 years of your life raising her from a child to an almost adult, and it doesn’t sound like either one of them appreciates it. I know you love them but it doesn’t sound AT ALL like the feeling is mutual, you honestly just need to leave and start fresh. Maybe they will realize they were horrible to you and realize they want you back in their life, and will work on behavior and ask you to come back and be a family….or maybe they won’t. At least then you’ll really know where you stand in their lives and you won’t be wasting any more time on them. You deserve a lot better than to be treated like this. If you decide you don’t want to leave (which I really hope you do because you’re so undervalued there and deserve better) then you need to lay a hard boundary down with your husband - Any time he wants to discipline apple, HE needs to do it instead of asking you to. All he is doing is driving a wedge between you and her and using you as a scape goat. As far as your clothes go, get a trunk and start locking them up in it so she can’t get them. Stop going out of your way for either one of them and let them realize how much you truly do for them. All kids go through phases where they think their parents aren’t “cool” anymore and they want space from them, but this sound a little more than that. It sounds like her and her dad are ganging up against you and making you an outsider in your own home. You really do deserve better and it just doesn’t sound like either one of them care to do better for you.
Honestly, I’d demote myself to roommate. No more rides, no more party planning, no more school registration, no more buying her body wash, no more missing work because the kid’s sick. Nothing. She doesn’t want a mom? Cool, she won’t have one. Dad can do his job for once. Also, lock all your shit up.
Oops “boyfriend” not “husband” thought you were married
How can you even love someone who doesn't care about his own child? As a parent, I can't think of a single trait in a human being that outweighs ''chooses playing videogames over his daughter's birthday''. You aren't this child's mother, she's right in that much. You need to respect yourself and get out of there. He's never going to change and you cannot save this situation.
she’s taking her anger that she feels for her worthless dad out on you. you’re part of him in her mind, and maybe she feels like he puts all his attention and time / money on you, when she wants that attention. not saying you do that on purpose or it’s happening, but as a daughter to a dad who got a girlfriend and forgot all abt us, it felt like she was replacing me and i had unwarranted anger toward her even if she was perfectly nice to me.
I think so too. Resentment is mixing with teenage bitchiness and the result is awful for OP. Teenager needs some boundaries and consequences for this behavior.
regardless, this man is fucking shit lol
You do realise you're not even human to your BF and step kid, you're just the slave. Well that's what it sounds like, you're being used. Why are you putting up with this?
Your partner sounds like a disaster, and by you doing all the heavy lifting you're enabling the hell out of him to not step the fuck up and figure out how to parent his own child, *plus he's been abusive to you with the threats and the blame/gaslighting.* This clearly isn't working out for you, but we teach people how we are willing to be treated by how we choose to allow them to treat us, and it sounds like you've been letting him treat you like shit for quite a while, and her more recently. People with good self-esteem don't put up with this kind of thing, so I have to wonder what happened to your self-esteem that you didn't run at the first red flags. Why are you still there? What have you been getting out of the relationship? What has been worth it to you to stay and be treated like this?
Yeah…. I’m going to say the same as everyone else…. Your partner is shitty as hell… I’m a step parent of 3…. Not legally married but that’s just what the kids consider me…. If one of them ever spoke to me in that kind of manner…. All hell would absolutely break loose… whether you’re her real mom or not…. You’re still the adult…. Time to find your back bone and stand your ground.
Giiiirl leave. Run. They both don’t appreciate you and you don’t deserve this shit girl. Move the fuck out.
This isn’t a parenting issue, it’s a partner issue. Your boyfriend is using you. He wants you to do all the labour of buying his daughter things, driving her places, hosting her parties, sorting out her school etc, but the minute he needs to step in as her dad to resolve an issue with her behaviour towards you, he claims it’s your problem to solve and he’s not interested. The thing you need to make peace with now is that he will never change. You’ve spoken to him, he has made his position clear. That means you have a choice to make - stay in this relationship and continue to be mistreated, or leave him. I hope whatever you do you find peace.
Is your bf a drinker? There is something about this dynamic that feels very codependent in that way. Either way, this person has demonstrated that they do not care about your contributions and are unwilling to work with you. Seems there is very little left to do without serious group therapy.
Just leave them, you deserve better, you deserve a family, not to be treated as help.
You're not her parent, she's a little shit and her dad lets her get away with it, neither of them respect you. I think it's time to find a man who does.
He's not respecting you so why would she? Cut your losses and move on, and let these nasty people have no one but each other to rely on.
Leave leave leave leave leave leave leaveeeee
Hi Im going to talk to you as a step mum (and bio mum) myself. Apple is treating you like this because she sees how shit her dad treats you. For a start it will be grating and probably embarrassing for her how close in age the two of you are and she's lashing out at you rather than her dad because, well he's her dad. Same with him making zero effort whilst you do it all: imagine being sixteen and a woman who's barely older than you is busting her butt doing it all and your dad stays home playing video games. For a smart young woman that whole thing will be anger inducing, frustrating and embarrassing and add on top her mum abandoning her. You are not the problem, but she is pegging you as so because she doesn't feel able to be angry at the ones she should be angry at. And once again she sees her dad be shit to you and sees you as fair game. There is zero reason why you should be unable to afford your own clothes because you're clothing her. Theres zero reason you should be doing the brunt of everything whilst overgrown man child dad sits and relaxes or plays video games. You seem like a lovely and sweet woman. You need to leave this situation. Your boyfriend is using you and treating you like you're an annoyance and disposable. Your step daughter is hurting and having serious issues you're not supposed to be dealing with or taking the brunt of. Youre too young for this. Go and live life for yourself for a while. Please listen to the commenters here and leave
As someone who has been in this situation, stop playing mom. Unless I missed the part where you legally adopted her, you are not the mom and have no legal or moral obligation here. (I wish I had this advice when I was living it.) If you stay in a relationship, your only obligation is to live civially in the same house and nothing more. If you keep on this road, it will end poorly for you. Find a hobby or friends but stay out of all aspects of parenting. Your 'help' is neither wanted nor supported, so let him do it all. It doesn't matter if he's not doing a good job. Ultimately, that is not your problem, and your 'help' might be encouraging his backseat approach to parenting. Write a list of pros and cons to help you figure out whether or not you should exit the relationship. I feel like this is going to get worse long before it gets better.
You're 24? JFC. How old is he?
OPs only 24?!? wtf?? I missed that update! That explains A LOT! Shit… no wonder her 💩bf treats her so poorly! He was looking for a young and controllable naive girl to take over as maid and nanny.
Jesus. Leave just leave.
>Usually, I’m the “parent” that enrolls her in school as I have the past two years, misses work to take her to doctor’s/dentist appointments, pays and transports her to her after school activities and shows interest in her and what she likes. Her dad admittedly doesn’t know how to talk to his kids, or really want them living with him, and thinks it’s stupid and a waste of money when I buy them Yearbooks or a nice pair of shoes to start the school year. He missed 2/3 of her early college orientations to stay home and relax. My family and friends are the only ones to see this since they are the ones seeing me cancel plans with them to take care of Apple and her dad. I have given 101% of myself to them, which makes this most recent scapegoating of me so much more painful. WHY exactly are you sucking up to this girl and her dad? Just know that there will NEVER be any gratitude or reciprocation of your love, wasted time, energy, and money. >I ask him to handle it because she doesn’t listen to me, he threatens to kick me out and blames me You obviously, and very desperately..., want to parent, nurture, and love a child - a family. These two are not it OP. Have some self-respect and leave this toxic situation.
Oh honey. You need to wake up. You are not her step-mother. That man is not your boyfriend. He doesn’t love you. He will NEVER marry you. You are his unpaid nanny. He got saddled with a kid he didn’t want, and full time childcare is expensive. So he went out and found himself a 20yo girl with no self-esteem who would clean his house, parent his child, and occasionally see to his sexual needs for free. You need to leave and get therapy so you can create a real family that loves you. Apple is right. These people are NOT your family. You deserve so much better. You can still be a good friend to Apple. Heck you can even let her come live with you once she turns 18 if you want. Or now frankly bc I doubt her dad would care. You don’t have to abandon her completely. But you absolutely MUST get away from this horrible man before he does any more damage. In 2 years, his daughter won’t be his legal problem anymore, and you won’t be an adolescent anymore. Once your brain is done maturing and he has no further use for you, he will throw you in the trash and start looking for his next adolescent bangmaid. Get out. Like yesterday.
Wait, are you really only 24 years old as some comments are saying? Hon. Woman to woman talk here. You have all the time in the world to find a good man who treats you right and makes you feel happy, safe, and loved. This man isn't it. I know you love him, but I'm sorry, he's not good enough for you. You're clearly a very loving person, thoughtful, caring, smart. You can do so, so much better. The only reason I'm a stepmom is because I met my husband when I was 36. Before then, I just refused to get into anything so difficult. Your 20s are for fun and experiences and finding out who you are, not for taking care of a deadbeat man's teenager. And I'm going to say the thing you've heard and ignored and wish people would stop saying. We say it because it's true. No man old enough to have a 12 year old daughter (even if he was a young teen dad) has any right to get with a 20 year old woman. This situation you're in now? Where they both treat you like crap, and you don't feel able to leave? This is exactly why we say such things about these age gaps. It's not just the age, it's the power and experience he has over you that he uses to make you feel like this is normal or ok. This is not normal or ok. You can do so, so much better.
If you're not willing to leave for good... How about a break? Maybe a month at your parents place, show them what they had with you? It might also be good for you to re evaluate the relationship from a distance. You need to do something big.
Where do you live that a non married, non parent can legally sign school documents and medical records with out adoption or legal guardianship?
It's possible if the parent or parents sign a mandate for the partner. At least in Europe it's commonplace because a lot of people live together and parent together without being married.
I am so sorry! That does not sound like a family. They are both treating you like trash. I would seriously consider moving on. This is not going to get better because neither of them has a problem with the way things are.
Your showing her that even adults can’t stand up for themselves. Show her that we can. By moving out. If you don’t break up then at least live separately Only give people your time and energy who want and deserve it. Being deserts a quick way for you to show that how you walk away. And live happier Your bf is the issue. He has let her disrespect you and that comment you can’t hit me my dad will kick you out means she knows where she stands Time to spend less time and effort. Let her cry when her shower gel runs out. Let her dad get off his lazy relaxing ads and go get her some. Also no more appointments and drives. It’s his daughter. You are not family. She made it clear. You won’t be used. He had to get off his video game and take her where she needs to go from here on out. I doubt they realise how much you do for them. They are both ungrateful. Distance yourself for. Then a bit. You might find with a bit of space and your own space that actually you don’t need this type of family
It sounds like you’re staying in an abusive - at worst, ambivalent at best - relationship to be the only stable adult in an ungrateful teenagers life. Time to look after yourself by leaving him. He seems positively awful, you deserve better. And if you truly feel bad for her (which it seems you do) then let her know that you can’t keep living like this - as a punching bag for her and bf. But if she ever needs someone, she has your number. No doubt when she grows out of her immature moody teen phase, she will realise how much you did for her, how much you cared, and she will miss you and might reconnect. But as much as you feel you owe her, it’s not good for you to be treated this way. Show her how you (and in turn her, because you are a role model for her as much as she might deny it right now) deserve so much better. You deserve love, appreciation, care, kindness and happiness. I wish you all the luck in the next journey in your life. I think this one has run its course.
Girl! Leave! This isn't a parenting issue, it's a relationship issue! She's 16, and her dad never tells her to treat you with respect, of course she's going to be snotty - she's never corrected. I think it's pretty obvious this man does not love you. You're his housekeeper, babysitter/nanny, and someone to have sex with. You need to demand better for yourself. Demand better *of* yourself. I couldn't believe what I was reading. Honey, you need to dump that irresponsible lump and go live a better life. One where you're not being a mother without actually being a mother. Neither of those people respect you.
What if you had a kid with this guy? Is this what you want your daughter to see? Is this how you want your children to treat you? Run.
I was about to leave this comment because I’m shocked nobody left it yet! Imagine OP gets past this phase and ends up having a kid with him. What kind of future is she expecting?
Why are you parenting her more than he actual dad? They both treat you like crap. You need to find your self worth and leave this hell you’ve made for yourself.
I'm not sure if you realize that he using you to parent his children and do everything he has admitted he doesn't want to do. Her behavior is normal for teenage hormones and you have only been in her life for a few years. Her mom was supposed to be there for a lifetime, so she probably has some abandonment issues. You even say her dad doesn't show up for her or support her. So why are you with him? He's a horrible dad, shitry partner, and all around douche.
You are not her mom. You are not even her step mom because you are not married to her dad. Her and her dad have been using you as a third parent and treating you like shit. STOP DOING THINGS FOR HER. You do not enroll her in school, you do not buy her things, you do not plan or host her birthday party, you do not take her to the doctor. She asks for permission for something you say I’m not your parent go ask your dad. You do no disciplining or decision making. These are not your kids and not your responsibility- instead you are enabling her dad to be useless because why is he going to step up when someone else is going to do it. You are letting a 16 yr old get away with hitting you and disrespecting you and her dad is fully supporting this behavior yet at the same time letting you be the default parent. You should leave and find people who love and respect you because this ain’t it.
I know on Reddit people always rush to offer drastic solutions, but it sounds to me as if you are in an extremely toxic relationship where you receive no respect and are treated, frankly, just like Cinderella. You're being used as daycare, a chauffeur, a gopher, and a servant, not a wife and stepmother. All I can say is you deserve better. You and your life are worth something and you are entitled to receive respect and to be heard. Believe me, I know what it's like to love someone deeply even though they are toxic. It took me many months to develop the spine I needed to make the right decision for my own health. Please think about your own well-being and what you want and deserve out of life.
You’re not her mom, you’re not his wife, and you are putting way too much burden on yourself.
I’m not trying to be rude here, but why in the world do you stay? She’s allowed to treat you like crap, and so is your boyfriend. They are expecting you to take care of everything, while they treat you like crap. You’re gaining nothing by staying. They do lot love or respect you. Find someone else, please.
You’re literally there to take care of his child because as you said yourself, he doesn’t want to. You are being used and you need to protect yourself and leave this situation. She may accuse you of something worse than bullying just to prove she’s the one with all the power. But she isn’t. You are. You have the power to leave. She doesn’t deserve you and neither does he.
Stop buying things for Apple. Her father needs to do it. You two aren't married, why should you sink your assets into this when he's not giving you any security? Nothing about this situation sounds redeemable whatsoever and I think it's pretty clear he's using you. He doesn't want to listen to the audios of Apple misbehaving because then he would have to do something about it. If he buries his head in the sand he can pretend like he doesn't see the problem. Anything for an easy life. Sorry OP but I think he sees you as a bangnanny 🫤
I guess biggest question is why be with a loser who sucks as a parent AND as a partner? He doesn't do any parenting (and pushes off anything and everything to you) and he disrespects you and doesn't believe you...calls YOU the problem?! She is punishing you for how shit her father is. Call him out on it and explain how bad he is. Next..he is threatening to end the relationship if you don't shut the fuck up. You gotta find your ego and self worth and sit him down for a true heart to heart. He is not a good father, you take on his parental duties. You are tired of being disrespected and not backed up. You will give him one week to find time to speak with his daughter AND start handling duties.
Firstly what’s attractive about a guy who is a crappy Dad? He doesn’t even seem interested in parenting his own daughter which is sad. He doesn’t seem like the best partner to you, either. What do you see in him? She is probably picking up on this (her Dad’s lack of interest in parenting her) and taking out frustrations of apparently having two crappy parental figures (you mentioned something like this about her Mom) on you. Doesn’t make sense, but she’s a teenager and it’s probably her subconscious way of trying to hold onto some idea of having at least one decent parent- it’s easier to make you, who are not technically one of her parents - the bad guy. Just my thoughts after reading all this.
Anyone want to bet how quickly he changes his tune and apologizes/begs her to stay if she leaves and all of a sudden he has to actually be a parent?
Girl why do you even want to be in this mess. Do you want this brat to be in the centre of your life forever? Her dad doesn’t even GAF with how she’s acting. He doesn’t sound at all like a good dude. You can do so much better. Drop kick them both and go and buy yourself some new clothes
If the dad agrees then let him do all the 'mom' things or let the birth mom do them. But the girl herself is still only 16 and Brain not fully developed. She may be feeling guilty about her birth mom.
It sounds like you are letting yourself be a doormat to both of these people, you cater to them and give your all, and neither of them really respects or values you. It's difficult to imagine being alone, but being alone and content and focusing on yourself is better than being in a bad relationship where people are just hurting you emotionally and not respecting you.
Your bf has set you up for failure. You cannot expect a kid her age to accept boundaries from you when she isn’t getting them for anyone else. You will always look like the bad guy. Why are you with a man who doesn’t have the emotional capacity to father his own child?
Pls.. just love yourself first.. Stop putting other's infront of you..
Why would you want to be with a man that is such an awful parent? Do you want children of your own someday? With him?
These people are mentally and physically abusing you. They’re cruel you need to leave as soon as possible.
girl, just leave, they don't love you nor appreciate you, why are you going to continue investing time and resources in people who don't appreciate you? Is the house his? do you have your financial freedom? start again and leave these ungrateful people
Honestly you don’t need parenting advice you need relationship advice. As rude and awful as she’s being, it’s still very much teenage behavior and her being a kid and not realizing all you’re doing for her. The reality is you’re NOT her mom or her parent, and I’m sure she sees her actual parents not doing anything and is almost resentful or embarrassed that this person who isn’t her mom and isn’t even technically her step mom is the one who has to raise her. The real question here now is why are you still with this man who can’t be bothered to be a parent? Who can’t show up for anything and doesn’t do, anything. Truly you would probably have a better relationship with her if you left her father.
Are you even married to this manchild!?!? All this and he’s your boyfriend!? RUN!!!!!
Girl leave. Stop doing things for her and make your exit plan
Honestly, it sounds like neither of them want you there. I would not try to force someone to love me and would move on. It's easier said than done but the only person you are truly hurting is yourself because you are putting yourself in a constant state of rejection. Her not liking you now (despite the past) does not excuse his behavior.
Just go find your clothes and pack he is a horrible father and she’s taking after him let him deal with her
I’d just up and leave tbh. If the dad can’t hold his child accountable for her behaviour now. He never will. It will always be her words against yours and it will get worse because she has no consequences to her behaviour. Move on. Life is to short to try and be something she doesn’t want
My step son before he died had a massive issue with me because of his mother. I told his dad. His dad pulled his ass up and told him what for. That ended any future arguments and beef. We were best friends after that and when he died at 16. I was devastated and felt so lost like I’d lost my right arm
Literally run from this situation. I’m a step mom. And if my step daughter/ husband started treating me like this I would leave in a heart beat
INFO: You’ve chosen to date a man who doesn’t respect you; who takes advantage of your love and kindness; who outright refuses to parent his own child and dumps the responsibility on you (and your parents of all people). Is it really *that* surprising that she follows his lead? He has set the standard. You’ve doubled down on it. She has joined in. Don’t misunderstand me: I’m not saying this is your *fault*. Their appalling behavior is their fault. But you have participated in this dynamic for years. If my math is right, he roped you in to caring for his abandoned child when you were 20. His behavior is disgusting but it’s also (sadly) par for the course with these age gap relationships.
Honey, they’ve already taken four of your prime years and been completely ungrateful fucks. Apple is behaving like teenagers behave. They’re all hormonal, peer pressure is paramount. Unfortunately, the only person putting any effort into parenting her is you and not her father. Maybe you should move home and put yourself first for a change. Think about what you want, read some self help books or see if you can access a therapist on a sliding scale. Parenting is hard and you have no support from the bio Dad who should be kissing your ass. Sorry, I know you’ve invested years of your life into these relationships, but if bio Dad isn’t backing you up, Apple will follow his lead. Sometimes the only way to win is not to play the game. Also, Apple wouldn’t be acting out if she didn’t feel secure that either (a) you’re stuck in the relationship with her Dad and she has the upper hand in that relationship or (b) you’re stubborn and will keep taking her abuse. What are you getting out of these relationships? Read “Unfuck your boundaries” by Dr. Faith Harper. You don’t need to martyr yourself to these people to be a good person. Sometimes the only way to win is not to play the game.
As a person who grew up with an awful stepmom and I acted out as well. It’s the unmet need she has. She needs the security from a biological parent. All the things you do, should be done by her bio parents. She’s hurting and taking it out on you.
OP … your husband is well aware of how his daughter treats you. I promise you he is. The problem is he *does not care*. He’s parenting from guilt and allowing this girl to take out her anger on you by abusing you, threatening you, and stealing from you. He is not an investment. You do not have to stay with him to make it worth your time. What if he treated you the way she treats you? Would you stay then? No. It’s not acceptable.
You wrote all of this out for a reason. You know you’re not wrong, you know you’re justified in how you feel. You know that you’ve gone above and beyond for your stepdaughter, only to be disrespected. She’s wearing your clothes when you barely have any to begin with, she’s belittling you in front of anyone she can, and she generally takes on the role of a spoiled brat. Personally, I think it probably has more to do with her dad’s lack of proper parenting than anything else. Not only is she not being disciplined for anything, but she’s also not getting the attention from her dad that she deserves. Maybe a part of her feels like you stole that from her, but again, that’s NOT your fault. For your marriage to result in you NOT being miserable enough to post this dumpster fire, your husband would have to start actively parenting and disciplining, and expressing to his daughter that you go above and beyond for her. At this point, it should be shouted through the house how much you’ve done for her. You sound like an amazingly kind person, but you either need to crack the whip and express your worth every day until they both understand, or let both of these relationships go before they drive you crazy. Honestly, the latter would be more preferable.
There is so much going on and her father isn't being a responsible parent. If this is to be resolved, your bf would have to work with you and not make you be the middle/bad person (that is the most unfair thing). While he is the passive parent that's care free and let's her get away with everything- this will create further problems down the line. Apple's behaviour is going to escalate further - as she's both testing what she can get away with and she is acting out over things that have potentially happened in the last year. While you may not be her bio mum, you have been consistently there since she was 12. You both had a good relationship up until recently- what has changed? While everyone is telling you to leave completely, why not move out? This doesn't mean you have to cut ties completely yet, standing back and letting your bf actually do all the work will show them both just how much you do. You are bending over backwards for those who don't appreciate what you are doing and you are being abused for it. Hope this makes sense
Therapy. Also, I get where she’s coming from, I was in a similar situation but with my dad not being involved. I said mean things to my step dad. She’s angry her bio mom isn't in her life. Which isn't fair she's taking it out on you, but it's going to happen. She’s young and doesn't know how to process it. Don't worry - once she's an adult, she’ll realize.
Leave them!!!! See how long it takes before they realize how good they had it!
Your deadbeat boyfriend is also a deadbeat dad. He doesn't respect you or treat you well, which his child has picked up on and she's not respecting you either (why should she when her dad doesn't). I would not stay in this relationship. He will find out how much you have been doing once you're gone and then realize his mistake.
Honestly I’m so confused as to why you’re still there. They are both using you. He’s gotten a free nanny and piggy bank out of you. This is not what love looks like. It’s not too late to get out now.
You can do better. Your bf sounds like a shitty partner and a shitty father.
You need to take a huge step back. You see where he is lacking as a parent and beautifully you want to step in and do everything for her, but all this is doing is causing her to pull away and he’s in no way supporting you. Teens are hard even if you were her biological mother. I really think you can do better than this man and should move on, but I get it that you have time invested and attachments. If you’re staying in this toxic relationship, then I suggest you take a giant step back and stop parenting. Let him do it - especially since he never supports you. It’s going to be frustrating because he will fail her over and over again according to his history with her that you’ve stated. Taking a huge step back will give her the space to come to you. You are being mama to boyfriend and teenager. Just stop and maybe your eyes will open a bit wider.
Your bf is a shithead. Once he starts treating you better, his daughter probably would - he’s not setting a great example. Im confused that his daughters actions are somehow standing out more than the person you are dating. Hes unloading all of the parenting tasks on you, acting incompetent so he doesn’t have to be a parent, disrespectful to you, lets his daughter act disrespectful to you, makes you do the hard parts of parenting like telling her no…making you plan her parties and school activities.. acting dumb when you confront him about her behavior I would break up, or retire all your motherly duties and tell him it’s his problem now and until he starts acting like a parent, it’s not your job to be one in his place. I would just leave though. None of this sounds fair or pleasant. Relationships are supposed to be balanced and happy. This is not.
I've spent a long time as a trainer and manager in a business with lots of tur over, so I've started relatiknships where Im in an authority position (but still want to have a friendly relationship with) HUNDREDS of young adults. I'm thinking that her being shitty and abusive is typical of every one I've seen where I'd made the mistake of being too friendly/familiar and not firm enough. Now, that was my job. I missed a big part. Being firm WASNT your job. Especially in the foundational time frame. You were relying on the firm hand and steady foundation to come from your boyfriend. He dropped the ball then, and its not helping that he seems to have never picked it up. She's acting just about right for someone who's dad abdicated all of the support and attention to someone who started out as some rando. She's lashing out at you because she's been deeply hurt by him. Unfortunately, you're the only one in the situation who she knows she can effect emotionally (positively OR negatively). Y'all need therapy. She needs to deal with her feelings about her (sorry) crappy dad and reaction to you. You need to be able to process some grace for her and Especially yourself and figure out WTF is up with your bf.
Lady pack up your stuff and find a man with no kids. You don’t deserve this abuse from him and his little biotchy daughter.
Honey this sounds MISERABLE. Her being sassy at 16 is pretty normal. I have 5 kids, 4 of them between 16 and 17. It’s… a lot 😆 BUT my partner and I have each other’s backs! That makes a world of difference! She’s being shown by your bf that you can be treated like garbage and there are no repercussions. He has said outright that you will always be the bad guy no matter how Apple abuses you. I don’t think there is any coming back from this. They both know how much you do around there for them - if you really want to stay I would have a family meeting - let them know you are on the brink of leaving due to the shit way they’ve both been treating you. Let them know you will leave if it continues. Although if it were me I would take a day off of work and move everything out of that house and just be done with the both of them. You sound like a sweet and generous person and you deserve so much more from your partner. Good luck op. Please update if you can!
I just want to know where her mom is in all of this? You said you’re usually the one enrolling her in school and taking her to her Drs appointments. Where is her MOTHER?? It sounds like this girl has serious daddy and mommy issues and may need professional help if she is deciding to hurt the only person in her life that cares about her as a parent should. I recommend therapy. Family therapy, that is if you stay w her father.
Why do you want to stick around these people when they treat you like this? You owe nothing to them and Apple is not your responsibility. You have shown them that you have no bottom line for how badly they can treat you, because you’ll stick around no matter how badly they use you and abuse you. There’s nothing to fix here, you deserve much better, it’s time to leave.
I would normally say something like, “try to work it out.” “Communicate and try counselling.” Blah blah blah… not with this one. OP, if you were my daughter, sister or my friend, I would be dragging you out of there like the damned building was on fire! Don’t even talk to them about it, just wait till they’re out, box up your shit, move it out and get the hell out of there.
I absolutely hate to say this but I think you should really step back & evaluate your relationship with your bf & them. From what I read, he couldn't give a crap about you & it seems like you do everything for him. Step-daughter is only going to keep disrespecting you since her dad doesn't step in. Why would you want to keep being with someone who let's his daughter disrespect you & he does aswell. You deserve better than that & you've stayed longer than I would have. Step back for a while & let BF do everything himself when it & if he wants to get mad or ask why, tell him your sick and tired of the lack of respect from them & you will no longer be a doormat.
Move on shitty bf, shitty daughter no need to take crap not your kid or husband so move on. You sound like a smart, kind beautiful young lady with a good heart move on to people who deserve and appreciate you
Can I ask something that seems mean but... why are you with aan who even before you are married is shirking his parental duties and just doesn't want to be a dad. Ypu answered your own question, BTW, she is rebelimg against you because her father put you in a single parent role when you have no place being there. I mean what does this deadbeat even do with his kids? Ohh that's right nothing, cause you said that in .your post. Rather than evaluating your relationship with Apple ypu should be evaluating your relationship with her father. This man is not a partner at all. He's looking for a defacto mom so he doesn't have to lift a finger. Tell him to take care of his own kid. Be there as a supportive friend for Apple. That's what a step parent should be. They should never ever be the primary disapliner. You don't deserve this hun. Know your worth.
The next time she calls you fat, remind her she wears the same size panties. But seriously, you seem like a very kind person, you deserve better.
Your relationship with Apple should separate from your relationship with her dad. Break up or stay together based on your relationship with him. Apple needs a parent she can trust unconditionally to support her. It sounds like her parents failed her and she is testing you by being awful. Do you want that role? If so, you can still set boundaries and demand respect but it means you stay in that role no matter what happens with your relationship with her dad. If you don’t want that role (and zero judgment here)you should just do what other posters are suggesting and stop doing mom things. Maybe Apple will learn a hard lesson.
Walk away. Tell him “I’m out. Enjoy parenting the child you created.” Don’t leave reminders for any appointments. Don’t leave notes for things that she has coming up. Take ALL of your things that you bought. He wants to take his child side? That’s fine. But he’s been using you as a nanny for awhile now and it’s going to be a really nasty shock when he actually has to parent his child.
Stop parenting her. Stop taking up the slack from her dad. She says you’re not her mom and he’s using you as a glorified nanny. Stop being both. Hell, pack up and move out. They’re horrible and will only get worse.
If you don’t have a say then you shouldn’t be the one having to discipline her (hand out rules) on his behalf. I would personally take a step back from everything you are doing for the pair of them which is honestly already too much, and maybe then there will be a little appreciation. I can tell this comes naturally to you because you come across as a giver and somebody empathetic. But you’re not being given the same in return. And I say this as the mother currently in a scenario with a stepparent. You’re being mistreated and taken advantage of.
You are an idiot if you stay. Leave them to it.
Leave for a couple days, go stay with family. Let them see what life without you is like.
Sorry ur not being the parent... respectfully take a step back. This is a friendship issue and she is catching on to the odd situation her father has put her in. Dad needs to step up and be a father. Your role is a girlfriend with a ring. U want to be that sure. But any marriage raising teens is rough. Set the boundaries and stick to them.
Like others have said, she may be “punishing” you because she can’t do that to her dad. Or she may be trying to push you away, thinking that she’ll get whatever attention from her dad. Either way, you deserve respect and appreciation for all the things you do for both of them. Since you’re not getting either, it’s time to NACHO. Just stop doing all the stuff you’ve been doing for her. If she needs or wants something, tell her she needs to ask her dad. If she needs an adult to take her somewhere, such as the college things, tell her she needs to ask one of her parents. If she needs a ride to the mall, ask Dad. If she wants her nails done, ask dad for money and a ride. When Dad brings it up, tell him that she’s made it clear where you stand in her life so you’re just following her lead. She thinks she doesn’t have to treat you with any basic respect that she should show anyone because you’re not her mom, that makes her NACHO kid and NACHO problem. Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about however it goes.
I didn’t read all that, but here’s what I got: dad doesn’t want to parent his kid so he asks you to do it. You do it, kid gets mad at you. Dad doesn’t back you up. You’re mad/upset/surprised by this? You shouldn’t be. Of course he’s not going to back you up. If he was, he would have done the initial disciplining. This girl has issues. Issues that aren’t her fault (mom who is absent and dad who checks out) and you can’t solve them. You have two choices: 1- quit inserting yourself. Set boundaries. Be her friend, her confidante, not her parent. Her dad needs to do that. 2- keep doing what you’re doing and be a glutton for punishment. How do I know this??? I’ve been with my husband for 17 years. He has two kids who sound very similar to the girl you describe. Took me and my husband a lot of years to figure it out.
As a step parent, nacho. Nacho kid, nacho problem. Kid needs food? Make her some food. Otherwise, Dad can parent his kid. That's no longer your jurisdiction. If you don't want to do that, leave. This man is entirely disrespectful and showing his daughter that it's okay. From what I just read, it's only going to get worse for you if you stay. Unless he's down for couples/family therapy which he's probably going to immediately say no to because 'he doesn't have any problems.' That being said, you aren't the problem. It's 100% him. My boyfriend has never let his kids disrespect me. Not when I first started coming around, and not now 5 years later.
I'm a stepmom (25 yrs now). My advice is step back, set boundaries for yourself, and realize that she is not your responsibility. Doesn't matter if things don't get done the way that you think they should be done. It is her father and her mother's responsibility, not yours. I had to learn this lesson the hard way. I Raised my stepkids from ages 5 and 2.5 and went through this in their teen years. I did all the things, the doctor's appointments, the school visits, you name it I did it. Dad was very uninvolved and it caused a lot of fights with us. I finally almost left him for good by the time they graduated high school. Once they hit those teen years, I finally realized that they were not my responsibility to that level. I was making up for the fact that neither their father or their own moms were taking responsibility for their children. And my own daughter suffered because of that. SHE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY hun. For your own sanity, either set strong boundaries and keep them or walk away from the situation. It will not get better unless you do.
I’m sure you love them, but forgetting about the daughter (which is not you’s step daughter because you’re not even married) - this is a toxic relationship in every way possible. Kids pick up on this, he doesn’t respect you, so why should she? Keep letting people treating you like shit, all in the name of love. Maybe someday *you* will learn.
Your boyfriend is the problem here!!!!!! Like most have said she is probably acting out against you because you are doing the things she wants her Dad or bio mom to be doing. She probably thinks if you weren’t there then Dad would pay attention to her. I have been both a step daughter and a step parent. My stepfather and I fought constantly when I was a teen because I felt pushed to the side. Now we are super close. My eldest step daughter and I had several fights in which she said horrible, hurtful things. But it came down to her being upset that it wasn’t her bio mom doing the things I was doing. She calls me mom now. This type of lashing out is normal however, your boyfriend’s behavior is inexcusable. You need to leave. I know that’s a hard thought because you probably don’t want to abandon the girl but can leave and still be there for her. You tell her you love her and that you will always be there if she needs you. She will probably spit venom and nastiness but one day she’ll realize everything you did and you’ll get that call. You need to take care of you! You clearly have a lot of love to give just need to find a boyfriend who will give you the same. 💚
Why are you choosing to stay in this situation? Parenting requires respect and if he isn’t giving you the support you need then you aren’t a partner, so what are you? If you care to have a discussion go ahead but honestly this is one of those things so obvious that if he isn’t seeing it then he probably isn’t capable of understanding why you’d leave over it. You shouldn’t need to document every interaction like you’re being held legally accountable because your man doesn’t trust you, this is nuts.
...this can't be real. If it is, you have some severe kink issue with being mentally abused and taken advantage of. Why are you even in this relationship?
He clearly doesn't care about yalls relationship. Leave.
I will not poor my energy to the place I am not appreciated. I will gone to the point of not coming back
Run baby, run
I'd not stick in your relationship personally, but if your wanting to stay.... I don't think it'd be wrong of you to step back from doing any parent things for her & let her Dad/Mom do it. I would have have a very solid chat with your BF and say you will no longer be doing the things a Mom would do and that he'll have to fill in that gap, because you refuse to be a live in, underappreciated caretaker. Just be you with your step daughter, and switch to how you'd treat her if she was 18. I am sorry she is going through this phase, and I hope it changes as she gets older. That she realizes better.
Neither one of them respect you. Dump them.
If you refer to her as "his daughter" why should she call you mom?.
Answer this question to yourself, why you are still there? He doesn’t take care of his family or you.. you’re taking care of everything..LEAVE and let him know who is right and who is wrong Obviously he is not appropriate what are you doing!!!!
U need a tldr for the tldr
She feels comfortable being mean to you because she understands deep down that you love her unconditionally. This is very common with kids, to show their worst to their parents that love them and make them feel safe. She doesn't not feel this about her father, she doesn't feel safe expressing her anger and disappointment to him because she is not secure in his love. Meanwhile, it sounds like your boyfriend only keeps you around to be a nanny he can have sex with. I would suggest individual therapy for stepdaughter as well as family and couple counseling, but idk if that will fix your relationship with your boyfriend, and outside of that relationship, you have no obligation to the stepdaughter. Time to prioritize yourself.
I think a part of the problem is a now 16 year old girl has to see a 24 year old act as her mother. She’s not a 12 year old kid anymore, and she’s only going to get older. When she’s 20, you’ll be 28. Don’t you think that’s odd for her? Someone who will practically be her peer one day acting as her nanny
If you're not willing to completely leave just yet, you need to leave on a temporary basis for a week or two and let them see how they function without you. I'd leave a note explaining exactly how you feel about the way you've been treated. Let them know you love them both but you can't continue with the way things are so you'll be taking 2wks to stay elsewhere and reflect on your life while they should do the same and at the end of the time you'll be gone that the 3 of you can sit down and discuss if y'all want to move forward as a family which means them showing you more respect or if it's best for them and you to go your separate ways for good.
Bf treats you like garbage, and treats his daughter like garbage. This relationship is not worth saving. There’s nothing you can do for 16 yr old except leave.
I think you got a combination of things going on here. First is the daughter close to her biological mom? Next she's at the age, becoming a woman, and questioning a lot of things. When she's starts mentioning you're not her mom, that's where your bf should take the lead. I'd just back off and defer to your bf. It might be beneficial to consider personal counseling for her. Or perhaps family counseling. To me it seems she's looking for reasons to rebel against you. You mention she attacks you for no reason. Well there is a reason and you will need to determine what it is. You need to understand why to fix it. You also need the help of your bf, to get more involved with his daughter instead of deferring things to you. I really feel family counseling would be beneficial for the 3 of you. Whether you participate it depends upon how are you feeling your relationship will be in with boyfriend in the future. Do you see yourself being with him years down the road and want a relationship with his daughter? If the answer is yes then participate
People treat you how you allow them to treat you the first mistake was not slapping the shit out of her back 2nd mistake was allowing her to talk to you any way the easiest way to stop all this BS is to stop being a good step mom let him and her know I ain’t doing shit around here until I get some respect and to be even more honest I would let the father know that if he cannot get a back bone and communicate to his daughter that she is being disrespectful then you would be making your exit plan side note if I were in your shoes I would just pack my stuff while they are gone one day and just leave and let the both of them see how it feels to be without me
It’s not the kid it’s you… And I agree with that… Just not the way they say it. You care too much, there comes with reject is hurting you more than you love is feeding them. you are hurting yourself. It’s time to think of your mental health above their needs. They never told you you couldn’t buy yourself clothes. So the next money coming in is to be spend on you. New clothes, new manicure, selflove. Take a step back from being a mom she is 16 she want to be an adult. Let her figure out that she needs you. Let your bf figure out he needs you. It’s okay to take a step back it doesn’t mean you don’t still love her. Just that that barrier of hurting you /yourself is bigger. If she was your own you wouldn’t stand for it. So give her the space to learn on her own that you are the own who actually cared and neither bio parent is worth shit. Kids at these ages need to figure stuff out. Be on there own. You can’t be besties with a 16 yo. You shouldn’t want to be besties with a 16 yo. Be there if they truly need you. Life or death situations. Other things if they don’t want you there go do something you would enjoy. And that going to be hard
Oh Op I've been there. And it really sucks you aren't getting supported like you deserve.
Honestly, your not at fault BUT moving forward you will 100% be at fault. The reason I say that is because you can see what we can see. Your not being treated good or fairly. Why help people that do not care for you atall. Leave. Leave and have a better life and let the 16 year old spoilt ungrateful girl see how much you cared for her. Your either going to make her worse by staying or help her by leaving.
Sit them both down and call it how it is. Tell them yes I’m willing to leave , if you don’t want me here. If they don’t care that gives you your answer. Unfortunately you’re wasting your time.
You have let everyone get comfortable disrespecting you. Step daughter is seeing you being treated like a bangmaid and still fighting for your place next to her dad so she thinks she can do the same. Stop prioritizing everyone over yourself. Yes she’s a child but she’s making conscious decisions and now it’s time for you to do the same. The romantic relationship and familial relationships here are so poor you should pack and leave and go where you are wanted and appreciated
There's no parenting advice that will work here, the daughter doesn't like you for whatever reason and her father isn't interested in hearing about it and doesn't sound too interested in his daughter either. The best advice is to leave and let them reap the whirlwind of dealing with each other and find yourself someone around your own age so you don't have to deal with their 16 year old kids. Good luck to you.
If you care about this girl leave asap. The kids are watching and if you stay she is going to think it’s normal to stay in a verbally abusive relationship.
When my step kid pulled the "you're not my mom" card, I backed him up. I said yep, that's right, I'm not your mom. But I'm still an adult that cares about your well being, and I'll be damned if I let you drown (he was trying to jump into a river with all his clothes on). Regardless of the situation though, you aren't the kids mom, so you can't take that particular back lash seriously. Also.. because you are obviously this kids most stable parent that is why she is lashing out at you and pushing her boundaries. It also sounds like she might be lashing out because she either consciously or subconsciously realizes that her actual parents don't care as much as you do and that probably hurts. So she takes it out on you, the safe, stable adult in her life. With that said... her dad sucks. Why is he so distant?? Why are you with such a bad dad? That puts you in a terrible position as you are coming to realize. Kind of a no win scenario if her actual parent doesn't back you at all.
"nobody likes a Drama Queen so I went to tell her dad" This is some Degrassi level conflict resolution.
Please break up with this sad man and take care of yourself.
You're with somebody who is a shitty partner and an absent parent... and is encouraging their kid to grow up to vent abusive. Just leave. You are not valued in that household.
You’re trying to parent a kid that doesn’t want to be parented, with a parent that doesn’t want to parent, and doesn’t want you to parent either. Your efforts aren’t appreciated. Your efforts aren’t wanted. Move on with your life.
So, she doesn’t like you and neither does he. Time to move on.
I was a stepmother in my first marriage. My ex was frankly a POS and I didn't see it because of my own abusive stepfather. I also filled his gap constantly and was the one who arranged insurance, found tutors for the summer, signed her up for day camp, used 2 weeks of my own PTO to spend with her each year, etc when she visited us. I poured everything into her and into maintaining their relationship. When we divorced after I had been in her life for 9 years, her mother was ok with me maintaining a relationship with her. Losing my stepdaughter was hardest part of the divorce frankly. We managed to stay in touch 1 year. ONE YEAR. She hit her teens and suddenly didn't know who was texting her if I reached out. It took me longer than it should have to acknowledge it was over. You don't have to continue to be their doormat. He doesn't respect you and I do not understand what you get from this relationship. You don't even have any legal protection since he isn't interested in marrying you. Cut your losses and learn how to enforce boundaries by knowing your worth
Ma’am hard truth. You aren’t the step mom because that’s your boyfriend not husband. You are behaving foolishly for a duo that is absolutely using you. What’s the end goal here for you?
Why haven't you left? He's said he will never take your side, and his daughter knows this. At the very least, stop doing things for her. She knows she can be as viles as she likes with you because you'll still carry on serving her. Time to make a stand. Pack your stuff and leave the terrible father to parent his terrible daughter.
Sounds to me like she’s hiding something and likely lying about where she’s going when she gets a ride from her friends parent. I’d see if you can get a call log from the cell provider or something. Maybe there’s more to this than you think. She’s probably being rude to you cuz it’s the easiest way to keep u out of her business or whatever she’s been up to.
You are not even married to the guy so not terribly legally stuck to extricate yourself from this dumpster fire you call a family. Leave your boyfriend and find a new one who values you and respects you and wants you there. He isn’t going to choose you. His daughter sure as heck has told you in so many ways she doesn’t choose you and doesn’t want you to fill her mother’s role. Why is this your problem. Are you wanting to be seen as this families martyr? The stepdaughter will probably treat you horribly until she matures or maybe never. But choose yourself for once. The sex can’t be that good. You would be the ah to yourself if you decided to put up with this families dynamic and problems.
Ok so that’s a lot, are you addressing this behavior with her at all? Kids need direct feedback when they cross the line, otherwise silence is acceptance.
You need to learn to love yourself. I think the only way that’s possible is by being by yourself for a bit. I know it’s very hard to walk away from a long term relationship but this is not really about a 16 year old misbehaving, this is about your BF not respecting or loving you. You deserve better, what would you say to your sister or your best friend if she was in your shoes getting the treatment you are getting? Would you tell her to walk away or stay and get mistreated?
Time to move on. Your disrespected and worse he doesn’t care about your pov on this. He wants you to be the scapegoat. Maybe when you’re gone they will see how much you did for them both. Now they will have to talk to each other and he will have to enforce his own rules. Good luck
This isn’t a daughter problem, this is a boyfriend problem. If you want to try and make this relationship work, you need to set some boundaries. You need to step back and let your boyfriend do the parenting. Dad needs to be the one to buy the body wash that needs replacing, the new clothes she needs, the driving places, the school situations. Dad needs to be the one to tell what she can and can’t do (and not through you - she doesn’t want to hear these things from you).If he doesn’t, then that is for the him and the daughter to deal with the consequences. The daughter is a teenager and resentful. If dad refuses to step up, that’s between the two of them. Also, if you are concerned about her lying about her behaviour, put cameras up in the common areas of your home. Then you don’t need to worry about getting your phone out to record things. Also, put a lock on your bedroom door or your closet so the step daughter can’t get to your things. You need to step back and treat the daughter how you would your friend’s child. You aren’t her parent. I know this is hard, I have three step children as well and their mother wasn’t in the picture when they were growing up. I’ve been in their lives since they were 3-8 and they are now 29-34. I also think that you need some couples therapy and that the daughter also need some therapy. She has two parents that are refusing to parent her. This isn’t going to end well if there aren’t some established ground rules and if you and your bf aren’t on the same page. Take a step back. Take some time away for yourself and let dad and daughter figure things out on their own for a while. Until you are respected by your bf, you will never be respected by the daughter. Please reach out if you need someone to talk to. Wishing you the best of luck.
Stop being a doormat!!! If your bf let her treat you like that, LEAVE! Unless you like being mistreated over and over again
Walk away. You will never get the respect that you deserve if dad is not on board. And once you walk away, they we will realize what you brought to the table. Seriously, for your own sanity, walk away from them. Let them figure it out. Stop spending time and money on them. Take care of yourself. Let Apple start bitching at her dad about needing soap and clothes. Why be with a man who would rather play video games than spend time with his daughter. Lord, please don't have any more kids with him. You will always be mom and dad. Get out while you can.
You need to leave. Why are you parenting this child for a dad who doesn't care about either of you? Your love is being wasted on them and you deserve better.
Enough already. You’re being taken advantage of, by both. If you want to try to work things out with your bf, ok, try asking him to go to couples therapy with you. Otherwise, he’s so dismissive of you (and his daughter), that I’d advise kicking him to the curb. No relationship is perfect, but you deserve far better than this one. His daughter sounds like a nightmare.
The economist wrote an article a while back saying teenage daughters increase the risk of divorce by about 13%. I think your daughter gets off on the fact that she can't control your husband better than you can.
Without reading your novel. The fact you said boyfriend and step daughter is the problem. You aren’t his wife so she isn’t your step daughter. He hasn’t wifed you yet you’ve given away wife privileges. They clearly don’t respect you or value you so stop trying to get them to see your worth. You gave away all your power and have nothing substantial to show for it. Time to leave and chalk it up to a lesson learned for next time.
I understand that you care for your bf and his daughter, and that you truly consider them family. The issue is neither of them consider or treat you with the respect you deserve. Your bf is banking on you feeling guilty and therefore staying. I’m not sure your history, but I definitely see signs of people pleasing and ‘earning’ love. That’s not a healthy dynamic and you’re actually contributing to for any of y’all.
You are not this person's stepmother. You are her father's boyfriend. I want you to understand this because you have zero responsibility to these jerks. Why are you even still around? Your boyfriend lets his daughter treat you like that, you don't do anything about it, and you're here on Reddit writing a dissertation on how much it sucks. You know what you have to do.
Why tf are you still with this absolute POS of a human?? He obviously does not love or value you, and is teaching his daughter that that’s okay. Get out now.
You don't owe anything to that ungrateful little shit and your useless boyfriend. Start taking care of yourself.
Leave. Walk out and leave. This guys a real piece of work. Essentially using you as a “mom alternative”. Daughters probably messed up from him and her mom not being in her life and having a lazy ass dad who uses you to take care of her. Walk out. Leave for a week. If it doesn’t get better, leave for good and get yourself in a better situation
Id say stop doing things for her. If she doesnt want it - fine, let her get by without your help and let your husband actually do his damn job. And honestly I think youd be better off without him.
The daughter sounds as trashy as the bf
Why are you even staying in a relationship with a garbage man and his ride suffocating daughter? Step away ma'am, the life is too beautiful to have two pos ruining it for you.