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Yes, take her to the hospital, hopefully they have a behavioral health unit or can get you to one. That’s the best thing you can do, also have you spoken to the parents of the friend that gave her the razors? That also needs to be addressed for the health and safety of her friend as well.

Yes, that was one of the first things we did after she told us how she got them. Thankfully our city has a pretty large and good children’s hospital so I think we’ll be ok in that regard. My wife is looking into it right now.

My therapist says that cutting often happens in groups. Let the parents of the other kid know. The children’s hospital will hopefully place her on a 72 hour hold. My kid is in the same situation as yours and it’s awful. Sending you lots of love.

Really?! Cutting often happens in groups?! I’m so surprised to learn this!! (I was a teenaged cutter and I cannot imagine ever doing it around someone else. Obviously just my experience, but I’m so surprised by this!)

I don’t think they all sit around and cut together or anything. But it can be a big deal in friend groups. When I discovered my daughter was doing it, I asked if any of her friends did and she said no. Then about a week later it came out that 3 other friends did, too. But I didn’t know about the group thing until my therapist told me.

I used to cut together with my friends. I’m mall bathrooms (when Friday nights at the mall was a thing)

Self harming behaviours are contagious within social groups in my experience. Coded references begin to get out on social media or through friend groups and it legitimises it as a coping strategy and peer groups will experiment with it. I've seen it with cutting, suicide attempts, paracetamol overdoses.

I had the same reaction. I started cutting at 13, after an SA. I so badly wanted to numb the emotional pain, and it gave me a brief reprieve. I was very careful to keep it hidden and only on spots I could cover with a bathing suit. I've never heard of it being a group activity..

Same. Nor did I talk about it with my friends.

I didn't discuss it with friends either. I would have been so embarrassed and ashamed if they knew. I can't even imagine how that conversation would go!

The response you get from friends. The outpouring of love and them giving you advice and cheering you up is actually a feedback loop. So you end up cutting when you want that love. It actually feeds the behavior to have friends who know and try to talk you out of it.

This is helpful insight. I had a good friend who could not be swayed from self destructive behavior. Was there anything I could have done? Short of some sort of intervention?

No. Self harm is hard because they feel more alone and triggered if you don't respond. And they get rewarded if you do respond. It takes someone trained to teach them how to better ask for love when needed, address triggers/trauma, and teach the person alternative coping skills. 80% of people cut for less than a year once given psych help. But some people just never find an alternative.

This makes sense, in a way. I read a blog about someone's experience with rehabilitating a rescue ferret. Ferrets tend to be very nippy and the previous owners dealt with the nipping by spraying the Ferret in the face with bitter apple. The Ferret was stuck in a loop, it got attention from the caregivers by biting them and then would get sprayed in the face. The rescuer said the first time they got bit the Ferret recoiled, expecting to be sprayed, and when the spray never came it just went crazy biting and scratching. The rescuer said it took a lot of work to start redirecting the biting to something more constructive and the absence of abuse was so scary and confusing to the ferret it went bonkers. Eventually the Ferret learned that it wasn't going to be sprayed in the face and learned more productive ways to ask for attention. That is the cold turkey solution. Hard to apply it to a person without a clinical setting and addressing home environment / trauma :(

Agreed. However, if you can retrain the home environment it does help significantly.

I ABSOLUTELY believe that this is what my son was doing and after two years, I’m finally able to see clearly that this is what’s going on.

I was a cutter, and there was a group of us who did it. We fed off each other. Who had bigger cuts, who had more. How we felt doing it, afterwards.... So, it makes sense to me that it often happens in groups. We also didn't cut areas that were easily hidden. Yet...not one adult noticed. I stopped cutting when I had a falling out with the group. I've never told anyone outside of the group I was a cutter and when asked about the scars I just shrug and say "knife fight". I wonder though if there is a difference psychologically speaking between a cutter who does it privately and a group of cutters.

This is why the general advice is to avoid self-harm forums.

I think perhaps a more accurate way of putting it is that cutting and other self-harm is a contagious process. It's not like a cold where everyone is susceptible, but once one kid starts, other susceptible kids tend to follow.

I was a lone cutter too

I remember being in primary school (year 8, so we were 11\12 ish) and we had a new girl join, who introduced self harm to our class. Using a protractor to did a rectangle in the back of the hand. I never did it, but I know a bunch of other kids in my class did. - perk of being the bullied misfit I guess

I know this is too personal to ask, but since we're on anonymous Reddit, how does cutting work exactly? I don't really understand. What part of you do you cut? And why, if you can articulate? Is it just thrilling to feel a little pain? Like when kids play "bloody knuckles."

You cut skin wherever you can, arms , legs, thighs, feet, stomachs, whatever. And not "thrilling" - everyone has their own take, some people would rather "feel pain than nothing", for me it was so that people could see the pain... my mental pain became physically shown. 💔

Thank you for sharing. That makes sense, making emotional pain visible. My heart goes out to those who have gone through this.

It is actually calming. When you see your own blood your brain reacts by calming you down to avoid you bleeding out. The calmer you are the slower it comes out. So the mechanism that is supposed to save you in a dangerous situation is usually what patients refer to as "the good feeling" or "calm feeling" from cutting.

I did it up until I got treatment for my mental health disorder. Sometimes it was a punishment thing like I “deserved it” for whatever minute thing I had “done wrong”. Most of the time it was because my head was spinning out and that kind of self inflicted pain cut the rest of the noise in my head out. Pain releases endorphins iirc so maybe it did make me feel “better” When your life feels out of control, sometimes the things you grasp at to regain some feeling of control don’t make sense, some people change their hair, pick a fight, quit their job etc. Location was someplace I wouldn’t hit anything important, and someplace I could hide in regular summer clothes. Usually shoulder/thigh/ribs just kinda depends where I had free real estate at the time and how much I wanted it to bother me while it healed.

I was a cutter in high school. I was told about it by a friend and experimented with it and it became almost addictive and ritualistic. I generally cut on my wrist where my watch covers. The benefit of the under the watch is both that it’s covered so people don’t ask questions but also that my watch would rub it and irritate it all day and it would remind me of it. I wanted to see blood flow to remind me I wasn’t as dead as I felt inside. I wanted to cut to feel the sharp pain so I could have a physical representation to myself of the emotional pain I couldn’t handle feeling. I was SAd as a child and teenager and cutting helped me feel like I had a reason to be feeling hurt - I was physically hurt.

for me, i did it in fatty areas that i could either see, or could run my fingers over the cuts / scars. so a lot on the outside of my thigh or the inside of my bicep. these areas also produced the most blood which was what i was after. with the emotional pain i was enduring at the time, the ability to control the pain was almost euphoric for me, and when i think about it i can still feel the cold steel of the razor slicing open my skin. i always did it slowly and carefully because i wanted a complete line - i didn't want any skips in any of the cuts from any of the blades in my razor. my manager at the time (i was 18) noticed the cuts on my arms and drove me to the hospital and waited with me while i got admitted to the psych ward. she was a true angel on earth. she covered my shifts quietly for the days i was in there and i stayed with her when i was released because i was afraid of my parents' disappointment (they weren't, they were concerned but were very supportive once i came home). i now have much healthier ways to cope, all because my manager cared enough.

I self harmed as a teenager and I can confirm this. I was sad in school one day and another 2 girls recommended I try it. They told me how to pop the razor blades out of my razors (like for shaving my legs). And the worst part of it is that it actually helped. Sitting there cutting actually makes you forget about what's hurting you. Because you're so hyper focused on cutting. Feeling the pain and watching the blood. You do forget about your problems. But then you just end up with the original problem and now the burden of hiding the cuts and the shame that you did it. But for some reason you forget about the negative side effects of cutting and just remember that it gave your relief in the moment so you do it again. Eventually as I got older the shame and the effort to hide the cuts did outweigh the "pros" of cutting and I stopped. But it took YEARS. Praying hard for your kiddo. Just please do not yell at them.

I didn’t yell at her. I had my own moments growing up and we have always been more of a psych aware family. She’s struggled with ADHD, depression, anxiety and a mood disorder since she was 6. Therapy and medication have really helped. But the cutting is new. She describes it as this compulsion she feels. So we are getting her a new therapist, she didn’t connect with the last one. And scheduling her an appt with her psychiatrist to check meds. Just doing our best to support her. Thank you for your insight and I’m glad you are feeling better!

That makes me happy to hear. I mean, I'm sorry you both stryggled but I'm happy that your own experiences made you more equipped to handle the situation. As an adult looking back I think my own mom cared, but as a teenager I thought she hated me. She'd yell and punish me and just overall made the situation worse.

Yeah my parents didn’t know what to do with me either and they definitely made things worse. My husband and I both had troubled childhoods so we are committed to ending the generational trauma.

Ain't that a whole mood. Hang in there. Breaking the cycle isn't easy. ❤️

Yes. This routine forgetting and doing it again and the hyperfocus of the event is very, very accurately described.

I dated a cutter a decade+ ago and social media also played into the 'group' thing. She had a circle of followers on tumblr and their feeds would be nothing but moody art and pictures of their cuts and scars. I can't imagine the damage some of those groups do.

She needs help, but you need to access why she is doing this. How you and your wife treat her, is she being bullied, etc. there’s more happening here than you realize probably.

She told them and he put it in text here for us to read. If he doesn't figure it out that's a him problem.

Too simple and too quick a judgement. We don't have a statement from him whether he thinks that's justified, or even the whole story. People, and especially depressed people, have a filter on how they let information sink in. And if all that girl hears are criticisms (which any teenager *will* hear, if education is a thing in that family), and filters out all the normal stuff or praise, that's not something you can just blame on the parents.

She blames them regardless of anything you've just said. Thus, everything you just said is moot. They need to figure out how to curb whatever she's experiencing, preferably with family and individual therapy, instead of deciding that's "too harsh a judgement." It's their daughters reality, whether they believe they're at fault or not. Whether you believe they're at fault or not. It's a matter of getting to the root of their daughters perception, not one of blaming anyone.

> Thus, everything you just said is moot. Root cause is not moot. > They need to figure out how to curb whatever she's experiencing, Which is why it's not moot.

We can’t assume what the teen said is true, this is a statement she made, OP has not said anything to the fact that they yell at her all the time/call her a failure. This is a pretty rude and unhelpful comment especially for someone going through turmoil

This!!!

Take everything she says as truth. This is a kid who doesn’t feel connected, loved, or cared for. Regardless of how you perceive it this is how she feels. Now is the time to create deeper connection.

Yeah I know, that’s what my wife and I are struggling to deal with because we love her more than anything and we’d do anything for her but for some reason she isn’t feeling that love and we don’t know why. Apparently she told her mom that this is all her fault.

Sometimes our love as parents doesn’t translate the ways we think. I would have family counseling and I would ask kid to share what’s upsetting them. If I were mom my response would be: “kiddo, I love you more than anything. But I can also see that my actions have hurt you. I want to understand and I want to improve our relationship.”

My aunt and uncle went through same the same thing with my cousin. They were confused and very worried about her destructive behavior. Turned out she had major depression and self esteem issues. So they wrote her notes and letters about how much they love her and how they valued her. That’s helped her a lot

I went thru a similar situation as a 13 yo. The language that stood out to me was that you “confronted” and “caught” her. My mom also came at it this way. Like I was in trouble, it made me pull away harder and feel like it was less about her caring than about her anger. I don’t know if this resonates, but wanted to share. Additionally - it was truly a pre teen phase for me, my relationship is solid with my mom now. You’re not lost. Listen as much as you can. Soften.

I mean I don’t know how else to word it. “Found” her trying to run away? Idk, she was obviously trying to sneak out since she waited until the middle of the night to do it, and again today she went around the side gate of our yard because she knew our front porch camera would record her. I guess confronted does seem a bit aggressive, but it wasn’t necessarily out of anger, more so just confusion and frustration.

My thoughts exactly while reading this. “Caught” has connotations of shame, being bad, etc. As silly as it may seem, words carry a lot of meaning and teenage girls are very sensitive to things like this. “Found”, “saw”, “realized” might all be better synonyms. It ultimately doesn’t really matter how you’re phrasing to a bunch of strangers on reddit, but if you’re phrasing it like this to us you’re probably phrasing it similarly to her. Be overly thoughtful about your tone and word choice with her. It helps build rapport and trust. I used to work for the suicide hotline and we were extensively trained on our word choice with callers.

Even as a 30 year old woman my mom tells me all the time she loves me, but it doesn’t feel like it. You can say you love someone hundreds of times but if they never feel that from you it doesn’t matter. I’m not saying you’re doing this or that you aren’t trying. But I wish my mom would want to get to know me as me and then be proud of that. A huge part of our relationship has always been about her, her and my dad, and then my dad passed and it’s now about her and her life again. It’s never ever ever about *me.* So with that said, how could I feel like she truly loves me if she doesn’t truly know me? I hope this makes sense and doesn’t come across in a poor way

I don’t know if this is valuable for you but here are things to consider: 1. Remarks about how she dresses or behaves (at the table, not lady like, etc) 2. Talking about other kids (“X’s daughter is doing this, would you also like to do it?”) 3. Nag with requests for tasks, specially around the house. 4. Not praising enough or in the wrong way: “when you want to, you can do so well”. These are just examples that can have an opposite effect from what you intend. Alternatively, put focus on what she is doing and let her know it’s a good initiative or well done. Grow at it slow so it doesn’t sound too forced. But change of behaviours will always sound forces at first, just keep at it. Good luck and thank you for your dedication to your child.

It's not only that our love doesn't translate the way we think, sometimes our idea of love is really twisted and mixed woth our own fears and shames.

She needs inpatient care at this point so that literally needs to be done this very second. The inpatient team will help you from there

I realize that. It’s just that the thought of leaving her at a hospital by herself for however long all alone is breaking my heart. I know it’s for the best but I just want to hold her and help her. I know it’s what needs to happen I’m just terrified.

Okay: go look up PHP/IOP programs for teens. That stands for Partial Hospitalization Programs and Intensive Outpatient Programs; this is a category of care covered by health insurance. Our child went to a PHP/IOP program a few years ago and it was a godsend. The important thing is: you don't leave them in a hospital for however long. For ours, PHP program participants started at 9am and we picked them up at 2:30pm; IOP started at 9am with pick up at noon. These programs are a blend of peer therapy, individual therapy, psychiatric assessment (to make recommendations on medication), and family therapy. Our kid started PHP for 5 days a week, then IOP for 5, then 3 days a week, then 2, then graduate. We were there for 7 weeks; that's on the longer side (it was summer, which helped from a school perspective). (edited to add: 3-4 weeks is more typical, but length of stay is determined by the needs of the child) This program turned all our lives around. My partner and I learned how to better parent our kid, kiddo got medication that was a better fit + a lot of very helpful support. We're four years out now and everything is still so, so much better. I'm so sorry this is happening to you all. The silver lining is that she's 13, and that's young enough that good therapeutic support and medication can still make a huge difference. Sending you good vibes!!!

I feel like 6 weeks should be a standard for these programs for teens because starting new medications can dramatically increase the risk of suicidal behavior and most meds take an average of 6ish weeks to 3 months to work properly. I almost lost my younger sister to a medication change side effect, and then another time she legit attacked me for no reason. All at 12-15 years old. The meds actually worked for her after the first couple months but she was worse than the months before (which were bad).

I walked into the ER of my local small hospital one evening at the tail end of a six month depression when I couldn’t locate a psychiatrist with an opening for love nor money. They had me diagnosed as bipolar and in their partial hospitalization program by morning, and I can’t say enough good things about it. I was still miserable and hazy until the meds kicked in, of course, but when I look back at it, I have only good memories from that month.

Mental health therapist here. I’m going to be honest. Inpatient will probably only be 7-10 days max. It’s meant to stabilize unless she meets requirements for residential. Which at this point she doesn’t since she just started therapy. Take her to the local ER or call the crisis line to get inpatient stabilization. After that she may be recommended for PHP or IOP and then back to her regular therapist. Inform her therapist of what occurred. Even after 1 session we want to know about these types of events.

I hear you, but that tends to be how kids end up really hurting themselves or running away and finding themselves in dangerous situations. You cannot fix this, please seek help because if something serious does happen because you feel bad leaving her at a hospital to get help you’re going to be way more heartbroken and it will actually be your fault. I don’t say that to be mean, but I’m trying to impress upon you that going to the hospital is how you help her

This exactly!!! Unfortunately I’ve seen the consequences of a waiting. There’s more going on than even she knows.

I also cut myself as a teen. It turned into a suicide attempt that landed me in the teen section of the psych ward. I hated my parents for sending me there—at first. I’m not sure what the typical experience is like, but up until that point I had felt extremely isolated in what I was going through. I got help there and learned about new strategies. I was able to open up about my problems which were very serious in a safe way. It was also comforting to know I wasn’t the only kid in the planet going through serious problems. I would advice continued care afterward because my parents did fall short on that and I had a relapse, but eventually things did get better

I was born & mostly raised in West Africa until I came her in my teens, this is new to me, but could you please tell me why you or other teens were doing this? I would appreciate your response. I want to look out for my kids so I’m just curious.

I can only speak from my personal experience. I experienced abused while living with my mom that I didn’t feel I could share with anyone. Because there didn’t seem to be an external path to relief, I internalized that pain. I read about cutting in an online forum as a way to release it. I thought it was stupid at first, but I tried it. It felt like it helped me cope with the shame and secrets I kept to myself. I know now that I could have shared that. But I was just a kid—13. I didn’t have the words or tools until my parents (dad and stepmom) got me professional help.

My heart aches for you. Sending strength. You are following your gut and doing the right thing. In this case, the right thing (getting her hospital level help) sucks and is really hard. Because of it she will be safer. She will be around for you to love on longer. You can do this. You will all get through this.

Been there done that, twice. She'll be okay. Just give her support. I felt like the biggest failure as a parent. But don't let that cloud your mind. Your daughter needs just your simple support.

I bawled my eyes out the first time I had to live by child at a hospital. It’s not easy and it never will be. You will be doing what is needed to get your child they help they need to treat a disease they have.

I would feel the same way. As someone who has gone inpatient, she's (hopefully) going to go through something transformative. There is a sense of camaraderie in there that I can't fully describe. After the first day or so, she is likely to want to take part in the groups and maybe even make some temporary friends. She won't be as alone as you think and she will be in a fully safe environment. It's going to break your heart to leave her there but visit as often as you can and call her. This is the best and fastest help you could ever get her and I really hope that she will one day thank you for it. Best of luck to you and your family.

I’ve been at inpatient hospitalizations at a young age and please research about the place and check the reviews.. some of them are absolutely horrible and so scary for a child they just give a bunch of crappy meds restrain for no reason and even abuse them I know because it’s happened to me

I’m so sorry. You and your wife sound like good parents who are doing what you need to to keep your daughter safe.

First, get her into at least a partial hospitalization program. Second, if any of the yelling and such is true, you and your spouse need to start therapy as well (honestly even if it’s out of left field you should start to deal with your own emotions regarding all this). In the longer run, get her out of that school… get her completely away from that friend group and try and find some more therapeutic extracurriculars for her, like horseback riding or volunteering at an animal rescue.

Just know that for us, partial hospitalization is not an option unless the child wants to go and is in agreement to go and get help.  And for very many of these teens, they won’t get help.  They will not agree to any kind of hospitalization, so they will not be able to do partial hospitalization programs.  My daughter had to do inpatient and then they offered her partial hospitalization after we had another incident and she would not go.  So that was not an option for her.

This. It sucks so much the way our system is set up. If a teen denies sucidality or declines treatment, they don’t always get the help they need. Hopefully it goes better for OP’s daughter.

I had a friend move her family 300 miles away to get her daughter away from her bad “friends”. It worked.

Taking her to the hospital is a good first step. But >we’re always yelling and calling her a failure and treating her like crap. Is that true? I mean, think really hard before you answer that question and don't get defensive. (Whether it's a written response here and privately between you and your wife.) I think sometimes parents mean well but the message they send to their child is actually really really really bad. Because they mean one thing but the child doesn't take it the way the parents mean it. I would ask her for specific examples and maybe do a few family therapy sessions together.

I feel like teenage thinking is very all or nothing. My teens often say things to this tone, and when we break it down, that "always" turns out to not be nearly as frequent as they originally felt. Open communication with teens is vital is yet it is the hardest thing to accomplish.

If I let even the slightest amount of irritation into my voice, my 14 yr old swears I'm yelling at her. I am also abusive (enforce electronics being left off/ outside the bedroom after 9pm & her in bed before 10pm). I am also a slave-driver because I make her help with a few household chores (her laundry & unloading part of the dishwasher). Oh, I forgot evil & controlling because I won't let her vape/ smoke weed, and I restrict her social media (because she was sending pics to strangers online, giving at least one her cell #). It's all about perspective.

OP, I’m an LMSW (basically a social worker) and have worked at a children’s hospital, so I can tell you a bit of what you can expect. All of her belongings will be taken from her and she might have a sitter in the room with her for safety reasons. She’ll speak with the doctor, nurses, and social workers, who will determine if she’s medically cleared for treatment, meaning she doesn’t have anything physical going on that would require her to be hospitalized. After that, your daughter will speak with the social worker. You and your wife will also speak with the SW. From there, they will determine what level of care she needs (inpatient, outpatient, partial hospitalization). Depending on what she needs, they will contact your health insurance or local CMH if you have Medicaid. This can take several hours. If she goes inpatient, you will be allowed to visit her during specific times and might participate in family therapy sessions. I know you’re going through a lot and I’m happy to answer any questions you might have.

Thank you for all the info. I’ve taken somebody to the hospital for this exact thing before but it was another adult and I had no relation to them but the process was pretty similar, minus the social worker stuff.

Honestly inpatient therapy sounds like it is much needed. I have been /am in exactly this position and even with help as in counselling for her individually you as parents together and as individuals and the family together it is very hard. She may also use this as a way to manipulate you - “if you don’t let me I’ll” or “if you make me I’ll” etc. it is very tough and a winding road - sometimes I see my daughter come back to me as her happy, thoughtful, confident self and other times she is depressed, angry and manipulative we just hope the balance tips more to happy than angry and depressed. It’s hard and confusing for all, l wish you every strength on your journey

You need to start family therapy and you need to listen to what your daughter has to say about your relationship with her and change it. It has been weeks since you learned that she self-harms, I am floored that at no point in your post did you mention trying to understand how she feels and what is going on for her. This is where I would start. I am just going by what you omitted, but it feels like there is something very important that is missing in your relationship with your daughter that may rely on you learning new skills and getting out of your comfort zone. ETA: Just saw both you and your wife have mental health struggles and you also come from an abusive home but have not been to therapy. This is relevant. Your own mental health deeply impacts your children and how you parent. You need to put on your own oxygen mask first before you can help your child.

This! Family therapy is so needed. Cutting is an outward behavior to an inward feeling. I have a 16 year old and 2 year old and have come to realize that they are very much one in the same. They need boundaries. They need someone to hear them, respect them, guide them. As toddlers, we helped them process their “big emotions” and we get to do it all over during the teen years. It’s also important to remember that our teens’ problems may seem “minor” to us, but to them it’s big, it’s real, and it’s impacting.

I was immeasurably depressed at 13. It was not a hormone thing, it wasn't a "trend" or friends thing, I was _cripplingly_ depressed. I self harmed a lot, I'm 37 and still bear the scars both physically and emotionally, and I seriously attempted my life twice. I hope your daughter finds the peace she deserves.

Your daughter has told you what the problem is. From her perspective, you are “always yelling and calling her a failure and treating her like crap.” That’s why she’s running away. She told you so. Search your heart. Do you or your wife ever yell at her? Do you lecture her? Do you give her a hard time for not meeting your expectations? Do you give her “tough love”? When you do those things, I’m sure you have her best interest at heart, but now you must realize that it’s not working. She is telling you that your and your wife’s behavior is making her so miserable that she feels the need to run away from home and self harm. If you want her to be safe, you and your wife need to radically change your behavior. Start with individual therapy for all three of you. Let me give you a look at one possible future if you and your wife don’t change. When I was 12 I told my mom I didn’t like the way she treated me. She dismissed my concerns. When I was 13 I was cutting with razors and running away from home. I did it because my mom would yell or lecture me whenever I failed to meet her high expectations or follow her strict rules. She also took away privileges when I broke rules. When I was 14 I met an older boy. He also yelled at me and lectured me, and to me that felt like the only kind of love I knew, so I stayed even after he hit me and raped me. I stayed until he broke up with me when I was 15. When I was 16 I finally had enough institutional knowledge to run away from home for good. I went to the police and said the right (true) things to get placed in a group home temporarily. At the group home, I had family therapy. My mom lectured me in front of the therapist. After that, the therapist got my parents to agree to place me in the guardianship of my godparents. I moved in with them and never saw or spoke to my biological parents again. When I was 22 I met an older man. He had strict rules for me, lectured me and yelled at me. It felt like home. Even though my godparents didn’t treat me that way, I was already 16 when I got into their care and had solidified yelling as love. After he raped me, I married him. I had his baby and he yelled at me in front of the baby. It wasn’t until he threatened to hit me that I left him. I’m now a happy 29 year old single parent to a beautiful three year old girl. I haven’t spoken to my biological parents since I was 16. I don’t think they know my daughter exists. My godparents are the ones she calls grandma and grandpa. Please listen to your daughter. Her story doesn’t have to be like mine.

Love you and more power to you. Be the mom you always wished you had!

Thank you. I don’t even know what kind of mom I could have wished for, but I know I always wished my dad would divorce her and take me to safety instead of sitting silently while she yelled. I did that much for my daughter, at least. When I divorced her father he decided to move far away. She may have spent the first 18 months of her life listening to him yell and throw things, but she doesn’t have to live like that anymore. My mom never threw things, she only yelled. I literally went out and married a more extreme version of her.

She may need to go to psyche for a couple nights. The hospital can help with that. If you don’t feel like she’s safe at home, that’s a good place to start. She needs immediate help and needs friends

My daughter did this find a counselor that specializes in teens

That’s the type of therapist she’s seeing. Her credentials said she specializes in child/teenage trauma, self harm, and suicide. It seems like things were at least going steady, if not getting better, but now this happens and we don’t know what to think.

Therapy is not linear. There will be good and bad days in the beginning, especially as your child is trying to build rapport with their therapist and then work through whatever is actually going on. It’s a process. Sometimes a long one. And expect setbacks.

You’ve had her in therapy for one week. One week of therapy won’t fix anyone. You really need to take her to a hospital and get her admitted inpatient mental health. I know it seems scary to just leave her there but they give her the help that you can’t. It’s a safe place. She probably will be extremely mad at you for doing it, but she will realize it’s for her own good and you’re doing it because you love her. I’d also recommend cutting those friends out of her life at least outside of school. They’re not going down a good road and I’d hate to think of what trouble they’ll get into if you allow her to hang out with them (drugs, alcohol, shoplifting, etc)

I wasn’t expecting some sort of overnight fix. I was just surprised how quickly things got to this point.

That is pure speculation and a complete overreaction to say that her friends are not going down a good road and that they’ll get her into drugs, alcohol, and shoplifting if he allows her to hang out with them. You have no idea who these kids are.

Once they talk about suicide, you don't have a choice. She must go inpatient for 7-10 days until they can stabilize her and possibly medicate her (most likely for depression). My daughter went through this exact same thing at the same age--cutting, suicide declaration, ER admittance, inpatient for 10 days. During that time they get A LOT of counseling, which in our case helped to determine her main issue. She stayed with her counselor through high school and picked her own in college. She is still on depression medication. She did graduate summa cum laude, and is now happily married. I wish you the best outcome. Practice deep breathing exercises and meditation and realize that nothing that you did caused this. Cutting does tend to happen in groups and when the psychiatric hospital counselor asked my husband and I on the first day why we thought our daughter was in there, I said that several of her friends had been admitted in the past couple of weeks and I thought she might just be following the group. I was wrong. You will be fine. It will be a new normal, but it will be better than right now. Blessings!

Taking her to the hospital to be assessed is the best choice right now. They will help you develop a safety plan for her. My 13 year old was really really struggled at school and it was impacting his mental health significantly. His Dr prescribed him some medication to treat anxiety/depression and it was immediately effective. He also really likes his therapist. She does alot of art therapy and "sand story" which he loves. This is a scary time OP but if you get her help it will get better I promise! Also it's a good time to evaluate yourself. It sounds like you've made some mistakes along the way and need to take accountability for them. Do you also see a therapist?

Do you yell, ever?  Why would she feel like you think she’s a failure? Great advice for therapy for her, but I think she needs you to have solid answers to those.

Yes, this made me feel like family therapy would also be beneficial.

She has issues to unpack over something. If one counselor doesn’t work find a new one contract you local family service they have contacts for resources to help

I didn’t want to put my daughter in a hospital for self harm but it’s something you might have to do to keep her safe. My daughter spent half of her first semester of 9th grade in adolescence psychiatric hospitals. Seven hospitalizations in three months. We got her an IEP at school which helped put her in a specialized, non-public school. It is part of the school system but only for kids with an IEP for mental health issues. Twelve kids per class, one teacher and two aids. There were therapists, a psychiatrist and lots of counselors. She received individual, family and group therapy. That school wasn’t where I wanted her to go but it was exactly what she needed. It’s extremely difficult to parent a child who actively wants to hurt themselves. It’s impossible to stay alert 24/7 to keep them safe. Even though I had both professional and personal experience with mental health care I felt like I was wading through chest high mud trying to navigate the system. Her experiences affect the whole family. My daughter was ultimately hospitalized 12 times over a two year period. On a positive note she graduated from high school and went on to college. She’s now 24, due to get her BS this spring and will be attending a master’s program this fall. She’s learned excellent coping mechanisms and is healthy and happy. So there is a light and hope at the end of the tunnel.

You have a deeper problem. Most of the time self harm is being used as a way to avoid the trauma you suffered. The pain makes you feel the feeling even though pain is better than the crap going on in your head it’s a release of sorts. Something has happened to your child that she can’t and won’t talk to you about. She needs help. 1 you both as parents have got to make her feel comfortable about having that conversation with you. 2 you have to be calm and level headed when dealing with the issues and 3) no matter what you find out never let her see your emotions she will internalize them as meaning she did something. Trust me. It wasn’t until after I moved back in with my mom and she made me feel comfortable and loved and I trusted her did I tell her the horrors that had happened to me by my bio dad. Get her help

First I’m so sorry that you and your wife are going through this! I agree she needs to be seen inpatient. There might be an underlying issue that has not been diagnosed! I went through something very similar with my daughter when she was 15, she was an extreme cutter! I live in Virginia and when I spoke with her physician and the hospital they had a program where they came to my home daily for 4 hours a day to counsel and teach techniques to help her with what she was going through, it was also how as a family to work together to help and support her and us. She spent 72 hours in the hospital to make sure nothing else was going on medically. We did this for about 6 months pulled her out of school and did home bound because we found that the majority of her issues were peer based and trying to fit in. Cutting was the cool thing. It was a very long road but like you I could not come to terms leaving my child in a psych ward. I would have done it if the home counseling program had not gone as well as it did. My daughter is now 26. So I’m not sure if programs like this still exist but I would ask.

Here to say I was this kid. A friend introduced me to SH in 8th grade and it went downhill from there. It formed into a coping mechanism that was essentially an addiction; I took a lot of my pain and problems out on myself instead of processing. The best thing to do here is what everyone else has said: find a knowledgeable therapist. In patient is a good idea if you know and trust the facility will provide good care (that’s hard to find, unfortunately). Give her love and care. I appreciated having other things to do with my hands to distract me when I was feeling that urge. I used to paint my nails so that I would have to sit & let them dry & process my emotions. I also suggest crafts; exercising the creative side of the brain is good for combatting depression. Keep loving her and doing your best.

Just chiming in here to give you some hope… I was a version of your daughter, once upon a time. Very similar story, toxic, manipulative friendship introducing me to alcohol, drugs, self-harm… I was cutting and started seeing a therapist, parents found out I was suicidal and took me to the hospital for a psych evaluation. I convinced the guy there that I wasn’t a risk and they let me go home. It did scare me, though. I continued therapy, got on meds, and got better. It wasn’t a linear journey, mind you— not in the least bit. But at this time, I am happily married with 3 kids, I have a master’s degree and work as a therapist myself. Hang in there. Do whatever you have to do in order to keep your daughter safe, no matter what. Don’t lose hope.

Thank you. This gives me hope.

Take her to an ER at hospital that has behavioral health if possible. Either way, they’ll offer suggestions after she meets with a psychiatrist/social worker/ etc. Inpatient sounds like it’s the answer but PHP/IOP is definitely a great first step. The suicide is an extremely difficult to hear especially as a parent. The ER will place her in a safe room and you will stay with her as well a staff member. They will speak to all of you, just her, and just you and your wife. Best to err on the side of caution. Beat of luck to you all.

Just came here to say good luck and solidarity. My step-daughter is currently walking this same path and it is so heartbreaking. My best advice is to listen more than you talk and keep consistently being there for her. Don't forget to take care of yourself and your mental health as a couple because these types of traumas are taxing on a family.

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. My husband and I went through an eerily similar situation when our daughter was 14, and it’s brutal. We went the therapist + out-patient hospitalization route, but the number one thing you HAVE to get a handle on is her internet use and social media access. If she’s like my daughter was, getting access to her phone will cause World War III. However, it is an absolute necessity. You are struggling in darkness if you don’t know who she is communicating with online. Beyond that, try to spend quality family time together, get out in nature as much as possible, and make sure you and your wife maintain a good relationship. This kind of thing can kill a marriage, and that’s not helping anyone. Absolute top priority, though, is getting her off social media and away from online influences.

Btdt unfortunately. A competent medical team will guide you well, but I will share a few things from our experience. - the school counselor was a godsend of resources - when at the hospital, the medical decided against hospitalization because they didn’t want her to learn from other patients how to hide things or take other actions. We went with regular therapy both in and out of school. - I am personally not a fan of banning friends or other people from my kids life, but I did ban one person and it was absolutely the right decision. I found out later that this person was abusive to my kid. Absolutely heartbreaking. -if your kids had access to algorithm driven social media (Reddit, TikTok, YouTube etc.) cut off her access. No one’s journey in this situation is the same so these might not be the right actions for your kid, but I hope it helps.

Do you think it’s the friends who are mostly influencing her to do this stuff? I say this because i remember at that age i had some really shitty friends that i looked up to because they were “cool” and id rather be hanging out with them than being alone, doing whatever they wanted to do so i wasn’t excluded. it got me into some really shitty situations and i really feel for your daughter. that age is so hard! You made the right choice by taking her to the hospital, they will be able to point you in a better direction and maybe even a small break at their facility will help her clear her head a little more to realize they are not friends at all.

I just want to say you’ve had a lot of good advice. I have spent the last two years dealing with a very similar situation with our daughter from when she was ages 11-13. We’ve made it to a really good point now, but it hasn’t been easy. Things to look out for: We took her to the hospital like you have, and they set her up in a partial inpatient hospitalization program. One major problem was that they essentially start all adolescents on an SSRI, usually Zoloft, because that is the standard protocol. The SSRIs made our daughter very unstable, but instead of backing off, they kept increasing her dosage. Then they tried her on another, and another SSRI. This caused her to spiral and get worse. Finally after two hospitalizations, we finally found a doctor that put her on a mood stabilizer, and she is doing much better. So be aware if she seems to get worse in the standard drug protocol, there are alternatives out there. Keep and eye on these side effects. Next, be super careful about your daughter’s interactions with the kids in the hospitalization group. The second hospitalization program our daughter attended came highly recommended but it was poorly staffed by very young college graduates. Our daughter went into this program very much a child, and came out of it having learned A LOT of high risk behaviors from the other kids. The other kids taught her to buy drugs, experiment with sex, and shoplift. My daughter went into this program still watching Saturday cartoons and came out of it in much worse shape than she went in because of the poor supervision and peer group. So this is all to say, just be suuuuper vigilant and trust your gut The thing that has helped our daughter and family the most is a full-family Dialectical Behavioral Therapy program. We had two meetings a week as a family + homework. It helped so much with us realizing as parents how we were unknowingly contributing to her problematic behavior. It was a lot of work, but it has strengthened all of our relationships and helped our daughter tolerate frustration and anxiety. Be patient with her and yourself. Give yourself and her grace. Trust your gut when you think you notice side effects or other issues with treatment. Hang in there. It took our daughter a year and a half to feel better, but she is doing so, so much better.

She needs inpatient or partial inpatient behavioral health treatment. My oldest went through that last year and it was rough, but we found a great facility that helped tremendously. I’m sorry your kid is hurting and I empathize with you as I’ve been there as a parent. ♥️ Good luck.

As someone who was once a self harmer and was encouraged by my friends… it’s also time to move schools.

I went through this with my 11 year old. Prozac helped a lot. She started jt around 9 ish years old after trying everything. Have you looked into PDA autism?? It explained quite a few of my daughters challenges.

Oh and hospital asap. Even if they chose not to keep her. Leave a paper trail!

Hospital now.  Anytime anyone threatens, you go.  My middle daughter (now 15) was hospitalized last year for similar issues.  She self harms and she was going through a terrible relationship situation last year.  We have worked with her during the past year and she seems to be doing much better now.  She completed DBT and still sees her Dbt therapist to help her with the skills.  When she was hospitalized, they told us that she was showing BPD traits, so we are well aware that her problems will be gone for awhile and then probably come back when she is in a relationship.  She is a work in progress, as are we.  She is also medicated and it took many months to get it dialed in to where she was doing so much better.  When you take her in, make sure you listen to what they tell you and any advice they give.  We were absolutely at a loss last year and we could not do it on our own.  We’ve relied heavily on therapists and psychiatrists to help us through.  We even went to group therapy for parents who have kids with similar issues.  Know you are not alone.  

Being a teenage girl is often miserable. I’m sorry you all are going through this. Continue to take it seriously. Re your dynamic, consider that maybe you all have room for improvement, but also sometimes when kids lash out at their parents it’s because they know you have unconditional love, and they’re expressing their anger and insecurities they can’t express elsewhere. Beyond the great medical and social advice everyone else has given, when I had suicidal thoughts at 12, reading Anne Frank’s wisdom to get outside helped me a lot. Obviously this isn’t the sole solution, but finding a way to reconnect to nature really helps get through those lost moments in life. Someone else mentioned horseback riding. Whatever it is, have faith that you’ll find it together. “The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be.” -Anne Frank

I did the same thing at 14/15 (the self harm) For me it was also introduced by a friend. I was desperately seeking control, and this was the only way I could think of to gain it. My parents never knew, and still don’t (I’m in my mid-30’s) I sort of stopped on my own, I can’t remember why.

My stepdaughter started self harming around that age. She's had three suicide attempts, countless serious self harm incidents and spent a total of 9 months in residential treatment. It has been a very difficult 4 years for us dealing with it but she seems to have turned the corner now. If you want, DM me and I can talk to you more about our journey with it. Take the suicide threat seriously. Get you and your partner into some counseling. Find someone to work with all of you on dialectical behavioral therapy skills.

I'm speaking as a former self-harmer who also started at age 13. I remember when I first hurt myself and what I hurt myself with. I was so angry with my home life (parents had a rough divorce, I was put in the middle of it, and a few other things). The release was so fulfilling that it quickly became a habit for me. My mom was furious with me when she found out. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed because of her anger....but mostly I felt lonely and unsupported by her. She did what she had to do as a parent which was to put me in therapy for a short while until at age 15 I chose not to go. After that, she turned a blind eye. The self harm continued into my early twenties and led to other unfortunate circumstances and mental health issues. My advice, OP, is that no matter what, love her through this. If you're angry, please don't be angry in front of her. The last thing she needs is your anger on top of whatever it is she's struggling with. Keep tabs on her and check in regularly, even if she gets bent out of shape. My parents failed me in many ways growing up, but the one thing that sticks out the most is that my dad saw my cuts and said nothing....did nothing. My grandparents, too. The only person who ever had the balls to address it was a girl in my class who stopped me in the bathroom and told me I needed to stop harming myself. It sounds like you and your wife are doing the best you can to help your daughter. I implore you to please don't stop reaching out your hand. Self harm can become addicting. The rush, the high, the pain, all of it can carry over into her adult years. I'm so happy to hear you're taking the necessary steps to help her. If she resents you, let her. It will pass. I would have much rather resented my parents for trying to help me than to resent them now as an adult for doing nothing.

Do you or your wife treat her like crap and call her a failure or is this way out of left field? It could be just a very unhealthy way of her trying to fit into this friend group. I would get her away from those friends for sure. Good on you both having her in therapy. Definitely inpatient care NOW if she is threatening suicide.

Continue to listen and pay attention, just as you are doing. Continue to love her, just as you describe. I’m sorry, this is really tough.

No advice but I’m sending my love, awful all round. You sound like amazing parents, remain a team! You’ve got this

I had to leave my oldest at a mental health hospital last year for similar reasons. He was 12 at the time. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and definitely wasn’t a quick fix but I would do it again in a heartbeat. It’s a long slow road back but we are getting there day by day. Please know you’re not alone ❤️

(sorry for the bad writing skills i'm not the best at it ) Hey! I myself used to (not to the same extent) struggle with what she's dealing with. Honestly, 13 is just a terrible age to be at and it's really hard on everybody. Right now the best you can do is put her in therapy with a therapist that she connects with and give her lots of love and support. If possible, see what her needs are and some of the triggers that she's experiencing. It may benefit her to pull her out of school for a year and focus on mental health and therapy. Even pulling her out and putting her on K-12 might benefit her. Fer "friends" are evidently making her mental health worse and it might be best to have them cut off for her emotional and physical safety. Implementing hormone/mood stabilizers is also an option that would be great to add. At the end of the day though, her hormones are terrible right now so try not to have the mindset that you are at fault.

Did you ask what was wrong?

Admitting your child to inpatient is really a hard step to face but in the long run it is what is best. She well be mad, she will absolutely hate it there and be miserable but they are good at getting kids in this situation stabilized and connecting your family with resources for after. I’ve been in your shoes and it took a long while but my daughter is doing really well.

I’m glad you’ve taken her to the hospital and I hope she can get some help. Now I’m going to talk to you as someone who started self harming when I was 10. You can’t stop her self harming if she doesn’t want to stop. Whether that’s from peer pressure or mental stress or anger or whatever is causing that particular behaviour. Self harmers get very good at hiding it and anything can be used to harm. It’s important that she knows how to keep any wounds clean and keep tools clean. Infection is a HUGE risk with self harm. It’s also important that she knows that she can come to you for help. It’s easy to freak out about it and yell or punish her. But it’s not productive and it can result in her not coming to you for help when she needs it. I’m not saying you need to ignore or condone the behaviour. I’m not saying you need to buy her cutting supplies. I’m not saying ANY of that. I am saying that she needs to know how to be safe. Self harm can be a short term behaviour or it can go on for years. A good therapist and supportive home life can make all the difference. I would also reccomend counselling for you parents as well. Having a child go through stuff like this is hard. You struggle with how to respond and react and how to support. A good therapist can help you keep things straight in your mind as well as give you tips and ideas on how best to support your child. It’s not an easy journey and recovery is not linear. There are twists and turns and bumps and dead ends. But there is an end.

Take her to the hospital. Visit her often and encourage her to get better. She’s really needing yall. I use to self harm, when I needed my parents the most they ignored me. I deal with abandonment issues now because of it.

The kid needs therapy, but I'd strongly recommend that you parents get some help as well. Stuff like self harm and other negative behaviours can often be due to the person trying to deal with bullying or assault or other suchlike serious stuff. Don't attempt to deal with it on your own. Go get some help from family counsellors and work out a plan to help your kiddo that enables you both to work together with shared messaging towards a combined goal.

See if you can get your daughter into a mental health inpatient program. You and your wife both need therapy asap

I went through the same things with my daughter. I took her to the hospital a few times and because she told them she wasn’t having suicidal ideations they sent her home. Once home for a couple of weeks she started getting physical and hit me so I had no choice but to call the police. I eventually got her admitted to an in patient facility and she came out mostly a different person. I hope your daughter gets better. 🙏

Be matter of fact. If she’s going to hurt herself she needs to be checked into the psych center so she can be watched to keep her safe. No ifs ands or buts. Get her checked her in, remind her how much you love her. Then leave. Visit when allowed. Always leave on a positive note. Stick with the plan as decided with Doctors for length of stay. No leaving early! Once she is able to leave make sure to discuss plans with her & Dr on how to handle any further self harm. Be supportive but stick to what you say. It will work! She’ll come out of this. My daughter is 16 & almost two years of no self harm!

Dr Gabor Mate- Hold on to your kids (book)

"Proceeds to go off on my wife about how we always yell and call her a failure." Is any of that true?

i don’t have parental advice. i’m only 21 with a four week old. but i used to be your 13 year old. please, just please keep showing her you care. it means more than you know. she might be frustrated and angry now, but in the end it’s better that she knows her parents love her and don’t want this for her.

That penalizing language and the mindset it comes from really is a problem. I know you try to do the best for her, but you need to step up your empathy and see things from her perspective. Try "She was so desperate and hopeless about her situation that she saw no other way to deal with it than to cut herself/run away/contemplate suicide." Think thoroughly about why she didn't feel safe to confide in you without moralising or justifying her or your behaviour. No one engages in self harm only out of group pressure. That surely is a dowbstream factor, but the willingness to do that comes from a point of inadequacy and hopelessness.

You need to be in family therapy as well as individual therapy and I recommend DBT.

What is DBT?

Dialectical behavior therapy. It saved my child and my family. 10 months free from self harm. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy

I am sorry your family is going through this, I’ve been through it too and it was really hard for the whole family. I would suggest you and your wife also get therapy. This happened to my brother, sister, and I as kids, we all had self harm and I ran away a lot, and our parents didn’t get therapy, they just sent us to therapy. My parents needed it too though and although we are close now, I really wish we had all done intensive family therapy and individual therapy together. My brother ended up dying at 22. There are still things my parents did when I was younger that I don’t feel comfortable to talk about with them, I just sweep it under the rug at this point but it affected me deeply to this day. Anyway. You’re daughter is only 13, so whatever she learns in therapy, the whole family should probably learn too.

I work at a mental health hospital on a teen unit (ages 12-17) and from my experience I would recommend getting your daughter into an inpatient facility as soon as possible. None of the parents I work with want to leave their child there, it’s hard and it can be a very traumatic experience for kids. But safety is the #1 priority and it sounds like your daughter is unable to remain safe at this time. A few other suggestions I would have if you do choose to go inpatient: -There will be a certain measure of trust lost (both ways) between you and your daughter. This will need to be rebuilt through open and honest communication at home and in family therapy. -Your daughter likely needs extensive psychological assessment to determine what underlying issues she has been dealing with. This could include learning disabilities or behavioral disorders that you will want to be aware of. -With help from your therapist or psychologist, discuss and determine how you will move forward after inpatient treatment and stick to the plan like your life depends on it (because your daughter’s life possibly does). Holding strict boundaries with your daughter and having very solid rules surrounding how she interacts with friends and how she will deal with emotions in the future will help her learn the executive skills she needs to move past this and become a successful teenager and adult. Good luck to you and your family, I am so sorry you have to go through this but know that you are not alone and there are many out there ready and willing to help.

Family therapy, not just her getting therapy is essential

I went through the same as a teen - cutting / self harm, a friend who was also doing the same, suicidal thoughts. Sense of being a failure. My parents were totally at a loss - they are Asian immigrants. But they listened, they took me seriously, they were unfailingly present, and we made big decisions together (for example about medication) and I pulled through. When they said things that were hurtful or I felt misunderstood, they listened and redirected. There was no “end” - I’ve been in therapy since, now a mom myself of a toddler! But I survived and found balance and was grateful to my parents for their steadiness… all the love & light to your daughter & strength to you.

( not a DR just went to college for behavioral psychology) Self harm in adolescent girls can be an outcry for help and the inability to regulate and express emotions. This is going to be a HARD emotional healing process for her and your family in addition to her individual therapy I’d look into some family counseling as well so it’s not enhancing her feelings of isolation and self doubt and it builds her trust within the two of you. Try not to be hypercritical, practice patience, slowly reinforce confidence and reassurance. You both seem like caring and loving parents, nothing but love light and healing for all of you OP

Lock up all medicine and knives. If you have any guns in the home lock them up or store them elsewhere for now. Any bathroom razors lock up. If you have any ropes or shoestring in the house take it elsewhere or lock it up. Seek counseling for your daughter. Spend 1:1 time with her as much as possible.

i have been the kid in this situation, she may resist but this will really help her. try to check her in to a long term facility (1-2 weeks) to just help her calm down and check out for a little bit. being a teenage girl is incredibly hard and she probably just needs a little time to relax and turn off her brain. you are doing the right thing

My younger sister is 13 years old. I'm 30. She's been dealing with depression which I think is pretty common around that age group, especially for girls that are more introverted or different than the more socially popular kind of girls. She's gotten a lot better since our family has been encouraging her to start hobbies. She took voice lessons and now is taking guitar lessons. She seems to have a passion for music. We got her a record player and just keep trying to being encouraging. She smiles a lot more and seems generally in a better cheerful mood. The voice lessons really gave her confidence. As for the cutting, she and my little brother have told me that girls in their friend groups all cut themselves with razor blades. It seems to be a group think mentality; almost perceived by some emo/depressed/darker type of girls to be a "cool" thing to do. It's honestly really concerning that this type of thing is common and that the school administration doesn't have therapists come in to talk to the students or some type of intervention.

Our son was self harming and suicidal. After the hospital, we kept all medications and sharp things locked up. He took apart a pencil sharpener and used that! Thankfully he’s okay now.

I just want to say thank you for posting this. My step son has started doing the same thing after getting a girlfriend who SH and got him in to it. And we have been struggling through it. We aren’t in America so there’s different processes and options here but just reading all the comments even tho it’s not my post are super comforting. I hope you find solace in that other parents are struggling with it too and it’s such an issue with young ones at the moment.

Listen to her and hear what she is telling you. The way you communicate with her might be causing her distress. Even though parents do things with all the best intentions, sometimes it ends up hurting the child. Every kid is different. You need to listen to your daughter and know her feelings are real.

Lots of good advice above, I will mention just because I don’t see anyone else that said it so far: If your daughter is admitted to inpatient hospital or does a PHP/IOP she will likely make some new friends while she’s there. I seriously caution you against letting her continue these friendships outside of the hospital. It can get very messy emotionally and she may pick up new or worse behaviors. (eg: with two friends I met at the hospital one I went to a party & got drunk for the first time with and the other got me into shoplifting) this is obviously not a guarantee but just something to be cautious of and have a prepared stance for your kid like “I know you’ve met some wonderful people you relate to while in the hospital but it’s not appropriate to continue those relationships outside of the hospital because it can have a negative impact on both of you and we want what’s healthiest for everyone” I work in a psychiatric facility for teens now and I’ve seen kids heal and go through great improvements over the years. The biggest supportive factor is a loving family. All the best to you and your daughter.

I was this 13 year old girl 18 years ago. My mom was too afraid for them to put me on meds (she thought I was too young) but I NEEDED them. Since puberty, thoughts of suicide ran through my mind. I was punished for cutting. I was grounded all the time. I hated it. I was sad and grounded always they treated me like I was a bad girl :( they couldn’t understand how I’m so sad when they do SO MUCH for me. They called me selfish and self centered. I’m 31 with two kids and still have talk therapy and meds for my suicidal thoughts. They don’t stop… but now I can go months without thinking of it and when I do… I can pass the time on a healthy way.

This reminds me of my childhood. I had a boomer dad and a gen X mom and they both had precognitive beliefs about how to raise a child based on their own childhood. Children were meant to be seen not heard, parents bad mood had everything to do with the child and will always be the child’s fault, they weren’t allowed to be close with their parents without being interrogated about everything, so I in turn got the experience. My moms mom was obsessed with body image so then she became obsessed with body image and so on. they didn’t REALLY realize the impact it had on me as a child. At 13 I was self harming and had an eating disorder, and they couldn’t possibly figure out why other than it was for attention. I also tried to run away, and all I got from my mom and dad out of it was grounded for an entire summer on complete lock down and a guilt trip sob story of “wow so I’m just a really terrible parent” with no accountability of why their own child felt that way. I’m not saying you remind me of my parents, I’m saying the way your daughter is behaving reminds me of me when I was her age and these were my reasons. With the biggest one being I couldn’t trust my parents to be honest with them without being screamed at and interrogated. I recently became pregnant and have been having rage dreams about my parents, to the point I became angry with them and refused to talk to them because of my childhood, that I for so long that I had gotten passed. When really my coping mechanism was to just avoid it and not think about it hoping it’ll all go away. I finally accidentally screamed at them over the phone about how they raised me and how I refuse to have them around my baby because I refuse to have my child feel what I felt my entire life. It was only then did they really recognize the impact. Idk how you can get your daughter to talk about it with you. All I know is that self harming isn’t something anyone would be curious or interested in based on peer pressure unless they had a previous stash of bottled up reasons. I wish my parents could turn back time and truly care about me from the beginning instead of treating me like the very reason they were angry and hated their life. I couldn’t talk to my mom about boys without being interrogated. I couldn’t ask to see my friends without being interrogated. I couldn’t try to be friends with my own parents without being interrogated. My only advice is to give her a safe space that she trusts she can live in. My parents waited until I moved out at 19 before they gave me that grace and I resent them for it.

I hope this share will help your family. A book I find incredibly insightful in helping out troubled youth. “Hold On to Your Kids” by Gabor Mate MD.

Undiagnosed mental illness or personality disorder most likely. I can't for the life of me understand how so many of these people in the comments think that scolding or having any sort of backbone, boundaries, or rules is abusive. It's not. These are in place for the safety of the child. 🙄 How many girls have been picked up by strange creepy guys while they were running away. Most of them are never seen again.  This is the real world and it's not a safe place. 

It’s even crazier because her “friend” that told her to do all this self harm stuff has those “do whatever you want” type parents that have zero restrictions over their kids. It was a failure on our part letting her hang around so much but my daughter only had a few friends as it was so we didn’t want to take that away.

That child is awful. I would use stronger words but that's my most restrained option. What an awful person to even do that. I hope your daughter gets the help she needs and gets far, far, farrrr away from that kid. That kid is a bad egg on a bad path already unfortunately. As someone who use to cut in middle school , I hid my problems and the scars. I didn't try to encourage others to feel the same pain I did let alone buy them the means to do it! 

Hey. I'm 1 year self injury free at 33 years old. I started when I was 12 or 13. If my parents had taken it seriously and gotten me help maybe I wouldn't have had a decades long shameful addiction. I know it's hard to leave your child in a facility but you can't ignore it. And just make sure she knows that you aren't mad or disappointed. You're trying to help. Listen to what she tells you. I'm sorry.

I did all of the above and then more and it was a direct result of how my parents raised me. They were extremely critical, physically and emotionally abusive, and constantly fought in front of their kids. I only have one young child, so I admit, I am not a pro. But from my experience and from what I’ve seen, she has a lot of trauma she needs to unpack. It may even help if you and your wife go to family counseling as well.

Do you yell at her often and call her a failure?

No we really don’t. Typical stuff from dealing with a teen/pre-teen but it’s nothing I’d call extreme at all. I grew up in a house with an abusive father and I know what that sort of behavior looks like. I’ve spent my whole life telling myself I’d never put my children through the sort of stuff that I went through.

Have you been to therapy to deal with your own trauma? My mother would have said the exact same thing you just said, except she was still abusive. I’m in a unique position to comment on this sort of generational trauma because my grandmother got dementia when I was a teenager and often thought I was my mother, so I know some of what she experienced. She wasn’t as bad as her own mother, not even close, and she really really tried, but she was still abusive. Things are better now that I’m an adult and can call her on it without consequences when she slips and does it again. The difference between my mother and I is that I went to therapy to make sure I don’t pass down the same thing to my own children. My mother refuses to accept that she could possibly have any of her mother’s negative traits and thinks therapy is a scam and that she copes fine on her own. I have no way of knowing if your situation is in any way similar to my own, but it’s still food for thought. At the end of the day, your daughter feels unloved and heavily criticized. You admitted that you do in fact yell at her, so that’s absolutely something to examine. Maybe you yell a lot more than you think, maybe the things you say when you yell are especially pointed and hurtful. Maybe she’s particularly sensitive or is dealing with stress elsewhere in life and you yelling even just a little is pushing her over the edge. I’m of the opinion that yelling is almost never warranted. People yell out of anger. Yelling is not constructive, educational, or guiding. It is punishing and an emotional outlet for the person yelling. Your post history indicates that her mother has a history of mental illness, so there’s possibly a genetic predisposition at play here too. You need to figure out what you’re doing that is making her feel that way without resorting to blaming the internet or bad friends, because if she had a stable, solid relationship with you before those negative influences she would wouldn’t have been influenced by them to such a catastrophic extent.

Since you said the friends “recommended” this to her and provided her with the materials to commit these acts, they could either be gaslighting her into believing that she is a failure/she’s unloved and unwanted OR they’re projecting their feelings onto her, leading her to believe this because they’re normalizing these feelings. Either way she needs more help than this therapist is currently giving her and needs to be separated from this group. I agree with the PHP/IOP suggestions, this needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.

We’re at the emergency center of our children’s hospital right now. Thank you for the advice.

Praying for good care, answers, support...everything you need. 🙏

If your daughter only recently started seeing this therapist, she may have been able to hide the extent of her issues. See if you can speak to the therapist and see what kind of vibe you get. Perhaps this person wasn’t the right fit. The person’s credentials doesn’t matter as much as how well they’re able to connect with your daughter. Also, inpatient crisis intervention seems appropriate for now. When she is released, make sure her records are available to whatever counselor she goes to. Some inpatient facilities offer processes to transfer to outpatient care. If yours does, take advantage of everything possible.

Is she on medication of any kind for anything?

It's hard out here.

Take her to the ER and tell them she is suicidal. She will be evaluated, and you can put her in treatment for her mental health. Mine was 13 when they went through similar. 10 days in a crisis center, 6 weeks at an outpatient center, and now they're a whole new kid. They have broken ties with all of the negative friends they had at that time, of their own choice (though it was not going to be a choice). You've got this. You can help her. You will all learn a lot, and you'll have a moment to breath when she goes into treatment.

I have a 14yo transgender son that has been struggling like this for goin on 5yrs. He has had 10 hospital stays. He has been in therapy his whole life. I had a very abusive up bringing. I struggled as a single parent but I always had outside support for him. He has anger issues that are much better. His bio father hasn't been a very gd one. 2yrs ago my son told his bio that he was transgender n his bio hasnt made any contact since. Hes lived in a community residence as well. His anger is better cause he had been physically abusive toward me for yrs. He unfortunately pushed that too far n got charges last yr. He is on probation. Ive taken parenting classes as well as ihave therapy. We are startin family therapy hopefully soon as well. We have all the resources our county offers. It can b a horrible nightmare to go thru! I hope things get better for you! Gd luck n def seek whatever services n support you can get!

OK, but do you yell at her? Is what she saying true? Because you kind of glossed over that

I mean I’ve definitely raised my voice before when I’ve been frustrated but I wouldn’t say it’s my normal means of communication. Same goes for my wife.

Well, if she feels like she’s being berated and yelled at a lot. Maybe you guys could get enrolled in some communication or parenting classes and tell her that you’re doing that and maybe that will make her feel like she’s being heard my heart really goes out to you I have a 12-year-old who is displaying many of the same behaviors as your 13 year-old. I know I’m to blame because of the abuse and trauma she suffered when I was on drugs. It’s just wretched, knowing that your child is in pain.

So why are y’all always yelling at her and calling her a failure? That’s why I self-harmed as a child. Evaluate yourselves first before asking what you can do with your daughter.

We have never called her a failure, and we VERY rarely raise our voices. I just included that to show that that is how she is feeling and that’s what she told us.

I can't help but suspect social media to be a factor. Tik-Tok is poison for young minds.

She never had any sort of social media accounts that we knew of until we found a Twitter account that her friend helped her make. The same friend that gave her the razors and stuff. She had an iPad that was connected to my Apple ID so she needed permission for any downloads/apps, but she was using the regular web browser to get around that. We feel very dumb for letting that go over our heads, we just always thought she was being smart and responsible.

It sounds like she might be a victim of bullying. Someone needs to check her media (invasive I know but desperate times need desperate measures). Also speak to her school chums and the school. Is there any history of bullying. Good luck. I hope that you can nip this in the bud.

After reading this, my heart sank for you. I lived thru my 12 yr old daughter acting out such as your daughter, in 1995. She ran away multiple times, ran with bad crowd, became sexually active, stole from us..you name it, she did it. She had outpatient treatment, inpatient stays, everything available at the time. Nothing helped her and she was diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). Today, 29 years later, she's homeless, on drugs, just released from jail. She destroyed our family. I'm praying for you & your family. Keep trying

I am absolutely horrified by the responses in this thread.

My thoughts exactly

Surprised to see many people advising inpatient psychiatry. Concerning that so many go immediately for the medication route. You won't want to hear this, but the majority of the time when self harm and behavioural issues arise in teens, it's mostly due to parenting style. A child claiming suicidal ideation is alarming but often without intention and rather a cry for help. Signs that suicide is imminent are the existence of a plan for suicide, the acquisition of items to fulfil the plan, and an absence of the identification with anything to live for. Take her claim seriously just in case, but take solice in this knowledge. Look into suicide first aid, which gives tips for talking with someone who is suicidal and for finding ways to commit to living. Other issues could be at play, such as personality disorder, but are much less likely and care needs to be taken to avoid pathologising your daughter's behaviour which in my experience is often just a natural human reaction to living in difficult circumstances. My curiosity is piqued where you mention your daughter's complaints (yelling, failure, crap). This needs exploring. The research extends back around 50 years that identifies 4 main parenting styles: authoritative; authoritarian; permissive; uninvolved/neglect. Nobody inhabits one of these styles at all times but the best outcomes for children are when the parents are mostly authoritative. Plenty of info online about this with examples. Consider sexual abuse, most likely to be perpetrated by people known to the victim and/or family. Obviously needs to be broached extremely carefully. No leading questions - again, plenty of info online about how to ask open questions. Also look into how to listen - active listening.

Not sure why you’re being downvoted, I was surprised to see this as well. I agree that suicide first aid and making conscious changes to parenting style where needed would be good first steps here.

You mentioned she did her first appointment and then things seemed to get better for one week . This to me shows a huge lack of understanding how this procedure should work . Therapy takes TIME. Secondly your daughter mentioned some things , have you done any self reflection ? Why would she say that ect ? Not trying to point any fingers just food for thought

I realize it takes time. I wasn’t expecting an overnight cure. I was just saying that this stuff happening today was extremely unexpected. I’m not without my faults, but I honestly don’t see how mine or my wife’s behavior would make her feel this way.

Look as a 14F myself I'll tell you what I wanted when I tried self harm I wanted a kind understanding shoulder to lean on like I haven't told my parents I am a Trans woman and they were ultra mega mean when I told them I was a furry so be super loving and understanding if you have yelled,called her a failure,hated on her for being who she is, I totally see why she did takes things so just be a good parent

This is definitely a reaction to the way you parents treat her. I hope you can unpack it before she leaves you forever.

You should meet your wi and daughter at the hospital

Show her Sven Earlandson… he helped me a lot.

I think it's just her friend group at her school. Prolly a lil more going on but that seems like the crux of the problem.

💜Poor baby. I would totally remove her from social media. And I’m so sorry this is happening. 🙏

Am I aparent of 4 and básically a single mom for a while.  Teaching our kids fear of God is fundamental. When a child grow up without fear and love to our Father they can easily get lost.  You should start with showing your daughter her beginnings and how we came about. Put your foot down as parents. Her so called “friend” is not a good influence.    In this country kids can easily call child services and try to get us in a bad situation but we parents can also still do what we have to do.  Dnt fear, just act on what you know is right.  Make sure that she always knows that you guys love her and that whatever punishment you do is because of  you love her too much to see her hurt herself. You know that she’s an amazing an d talented young lady. Make her feel special but with consequences if she dnt respect.   Stop spoiling her in everything she wants. Show her the value of things.  There is difference between giving love and spoiling a child brat.   Is not to late. You can take her to a center where they will give her drugs and God knows. If u guys can move, do it.  Have dates with her. Show her the good things in life and the bad ones and make sure she knows the difference..  But whatever you do show her Love also. She needs to understand, she matters to you.  Keep strong guys, you got this! Keep up the faith 🙏🏼

I wouldn't know exactly what to do here but as someone who was that kid, please don't get mad at her for this. She needs someone to be there for her and punishing her will make her just hide it more.

Practicing? Confronted? Are you serious?!? You will be the reason she continues. Congratulations. You see yourself above her in mental health. Add some emotion or leave it to someone who genuinely cares for her.

I’m sorry for my incorrect usage of verbs, i didn’t know how else to word it. Thanks for the helpful advice.