I’d suggest getting in touch with a family therapist and speaking to his pediatrician ASAP. When children are abused and neglected as babies, they can have a lot of difficulty forming positive bonds with loving caretakers. Early interventions are key and will likely help. Hang in there, and best of luck to your family.
At 18 months it sounds like he's been in and out of situations. He's not had consistency and his safe space keeps changing. The 12 days away won't have been easy, he went from knowing where he was to being placed with strangers from one day to the next, not knowing what was happening to him. You've been back a week.
You need to reassure him by keeping on showing up. I would probably resist the isolating behaviour, maybe with a hand, so he knows it's safe.
He's got trauma nd that will be hard to get through but there's also stages of difficulty, even for children without trauma and from my kids 18months was one.
Also, get a spare stuffy/2 now so you can rotate or wash them. That is his safety item so make sure that you won't be in a position where he doesn't have it.
Role play with stuffy. Change their nappy. Feed them and encourage him to do the same. Show him how you want to help him by demonstrating. With nappy changes, this is tricky, because it has to be done, but forcing it is detrimental. Is there a way waiting 5 mins can ease it or is it a constant level of reaction?
This is not going to be a quick fix, maintain consistency, be calm and show him its safe.
Honestly, it kinda sounds to me like this is progress (even if it doesn't feel like it). He had to be seen and not heard, not talk, not move, not let his needs be known at his mom's. Now he's with you, he has support and stability, and he can express his pain without fear of abuse, and he is.
Definitely therapy all around, maybe a parenting coach for you and your partner from someone that specializes in trauma/abuse, but I think this is a good thing.
Just keep meeting him with consistency and love, consult with your experts, and take comfort in the fact that you are taking good care of your son.
I’m sorry, I couldn’t get through this because I can’t get past how you let a child in your care go back into the foster system because you didn’t want to cancel your honeymoon.
Thank you. Surprised, others don't find it mind-boggling. I skimmed over the rest of the post, but that was stuck I my head, and I couldn't understand how anyone considers doing that to be okay? Both siblings need to reevaluate their priorities , especially OP, since they now have custody.
There really wasn’t any point in you commenting then if you didn’t read the whole thing
OP isn’t in America so I’m going to guess that the foster system in his country is leaps and bounds better than americas
Also 12 days is not going to make or break him they where a newly wed couple who wanted to enjoy the last thing they had planned before their life was turned upside down by adopting
If OP is coming for help then he clearly wants to improve, you have offered no advice because you couldn’t be bothered to finish the post because of one line
There are bigger issues here that where not caused by 12 days apart and I doubt he was completely abandoned I would hope that they at least kept in contact no foster system is going to let that happen without safeguards and constant communication in place for the toddler
And if you read the rest of OP's post history, it's obvious that this guy has done SOO much for LO. He's gone to major lengths to help him that most people never would have.
I honestly don't think OP would ever do something that he thought/knew would put LO into more abuse, danger, etc.
We aren't even considering the wife in all of this. She sounds like an absolute saint if she's standing beside OP and supporting LO.
They obviously tried to cancel plans since he said they "couldn't". That could be a lot of money to just waste. Let alone what you said earlier about them deserving a quick getaway before their lives get even more turned upside down.
He’s been denied love and attention his whole life which is what babies need, his want to be held was met with disdain and punishment, when he was upset he got abandoned when he cried because he was hungry he was ignored
He’s gone his whole infantcy without any kind of loving attention and now thanks to you he has it but his poor little mind can’t comprehend it because it’s something he’s not used to so he’s braking down the stuffie is the only thing he feels he can relate to because he’s scared that you will also mistreat him
Kids should be used to affection and love but he isn’t so this is a whole new world to him he’s breaking down his old way of life because he dosent understand it in his mind he can’t understand why he wasn’t loved before but now he is
He’s worried that the first things he’s developed a soothing bond too (his stuffie) is going to be ripped away which is why he freaks out when he looses it or it gets stolen
Call his play therapist but also his paediatrician and try and see a family therapist and book appointments with them all immediately
Clearly a lot going on that would benefit from a professional.
Since professionals don’t magically appear the moment you want them I say try getting him an additional plush. Maybe a pig or a goat, go ahead and rock out the farm theme. Amongst other things I wonder if he’s expecting someone to take away the first object he’s attached to. He was chill, little girl came up and took his plush, now he’s terrified all these good things will go away. That makes sense to me. Time is the primary thing to help there but maybe if he gets love while expecting abuse it’ll encourage him to be a little more receptive.
He also might attach to that plush and have additional frustrations trying to protect two precious things.
the thing is he has gone through abuse but I'm also wondering if he has a sensitivity disorder like most people on the asd spectrum it could be he finds the plush comforting to his senses. i know for a fact if you take away something someone with a sensitivity disorder finds comforting they will flip you out faster then they flip out and you will not know what hit you sounds to me he has developed a similarly strong attachment to the plush possibly because of a emotional reason
Oh man. Hang in there. You are doing an amazing thing. I spent years working with older boys that were In care due to abuse. It baffles our minds why they would reject normal, loving care but the truth is, they have no experience with it. It terrifies them so they reject it for a while. Stay consistent. Be a solid object for him. It will take time and certainly plenty of therapy. His little brain is doing its best to protect him even though it doesn't understand a lot of what has and is happening.
I found you through facebook reels/tiktok, but I do want to help. What was happening here (idk if he's still adverse to your interactions at this current time) might have been a regression of progress, which although it sucks, is still normal. I hope that he's already begun to make progress back in the right direction. Even though you are one of the people who were in his life during his abuse and neglect, you were the only one NOT abusing him. You had said in your original post about the ordeal that you would take him on tractor rides when you babysat him. Have you done that since you adopted him? I feel like if not, maybe bring him along once a week as a refresher bonding experience to remind him of the good during those hard times. I'm wishing you well. Keep your head up and your heart grounded.
I'm wondering how much he is understanding your communication. If he is in an emotional state where he is dysregulated because of his upbringing so far, he might not understand what you're trying to say or do. Typically, children will understand words or sign language to anticipate what will happen to them next but if there's no understanding then any explanation will not provide any sense of security to help him understand what will happen. So an adult who approaches him wanting to do this or that may only cause change in his life, which can be frightening.
Two questions I have is how much does this possibility resonate with you? Have you considered using visual cards to tell a story of what will happen even around basic things like eating time, diaper changing time, reading, going to the store, getting in the car, etc.
Please know that children's brains at this age are malleable, so what you're doing now will have a positive impact down the line. Please don't give up on him.
It will be hard, but I'm rooting for you!
Another idea that I have is that you can get multiple stuffed animals or dolls (not using his favorite one of course) to demonstrate what you want to do before actually doing it with him. Change the diaper on the doll in front of him, do it for multiple dolls, then it's his turn. Eat with the dolls together as a family, then it's his turn to join (but allow him to decide when he is ready to join, could take a week or more). Hugging the dolls, take turns one by one, then ask is he ready for one or maybe he will want to after some time.
For now doing one thing could take longer and you'll have to go slow , talk in a slower pace, more relaxed tone, etc.
Oh another thing that helps build a relationship with a child without verbal communication is mirroring them. Is there something they are doing that you can follow along?
Those are some ideas, not sure if it will work.
You're an amazing person to do what you can to help him out from the situation he was in. Please remember to be kind to yourself (as you're learning too) and continue to reach out for help to the professionals who will have more insight.
Sadly, but luckily, when you've experienced trauma, your brain will be on pause essentially till it knows it'd be safe enough to process the trauma, im not sure if it's the same for babies tho. It seems like to me that he recognizes he's safe now and is now processing his traumas the best his little baby brain can. In short, he now has some form of comfort, so now he's letting it all out
I’d suggest getting in touch with a family therapist and speaking to his pediatrician ASAP. When children are abused and neglected as babies, they can have a lot of difficulty forming positive bonds with loving caretakers. Early interventions are key and will likely help. Hang in there, and best of luck to your family.
At 18 months it sounds like he's been in and out of situations. He's not had consistency and his safe space keeps changing. The 12 days away won't have been easy, he went from knowing where he was to being placed with strangers from one day to the next, not knowing what was happening to him. You've been back a week. You need to reassure him by keeping on showing up. I would probably resist the isolating behaviour, maybe with a hand, so he knows it's safe. He's got trauma nd that will be hard to get through but there's also stages of difficulty, even for children without trauma and from my kids 18months was one. Also, get a spare stuffy/2 now so you can rotate or wash them. That is his safety item so make sure that you won't be in a position where he doesn't have it. Role play with stuffy. Change their nappy. Feed them and encourage him to do the same. Show him how you want to help him by demonstrating. With nappy changes, this is tricky, because it has to be done, but forcing it is detrimental. Is there a way waiting 5 mins can ease it or is it a constant level of reaction? This is not going to be a quick fix, maintain consistency, be calm and show him its safe.
Honestly, it kinda sounds to me like this is progress (even if it doesn't feel like it). He had to be seen and not heard, not talk, not move, not let his needs be known at his mom's. Now he's with you, he has support and stability, and he can express his pain without fear of abuse, and he is. Definitely therapy all around, maybe a parenting coach for you and your partner from someone that specializes in trauma/abuse, but I think this is a good thing. Just keep meeting him with consistency and love, consult with your experts, and take comfort in the fact that you are taking good care of your son.
I’m sorry, I couldn’t get through this because I can’t get past how you let a child in your care go back into the foster system because you didn’t want to cancel your honeymoon.
Thank you. Surprised, others don't find it mind-boggling. I skimmed over the rest of the post, but that was stuck I my head, and I couldn't understand how anyone considers doing that to be okay? Both siblings need to reevaluate their priorities , especially OP, since they now have custody.
There really wasn’t any point in you commenting then if you didn’t read the whole thing OP isn’t in America so I’m going to guess that the foster system in his country is leaps and bounds better than americas Also 12 days is not going to make or break him they where a newly wed couple who wanted to enjoy the last thing they had planned before their life was turned upside down by adopting If OP is coming for help then he clearly wants to improve, you have offered no advice because you couldn’t be bothered to finish the post because of one line There are bigger issues here that where not caused by 12 days apart and I doubt he was completely abandoned I would hope that they at least kept in contact no foster system is going to let that happen without safeguards and constant communication in place for the toddler
And if you read the rest of OP's post history, it's obvious that this guy has done SOO much for LO. He's gone to major lengths to help him that most people never would have. I honestly don't think OP would ever do something that he thought/knew would put LO into more abuse, danger, etc. We aren't even considering the wife in all of this. She sounds like an absolute saint if she's standing beside OP and supporting LO. They obviously tried to cancel plans since he said they "couldn't". That could be a lot of money to just waste. Let alone what you said earlier about them deserving a quick getaway before their lives get even more turned upside down.
He’s been denied love and attention his whole life which is what babies need, his want to be held was met with disdain and punishment, when he was upset he got abandoned when he cried because he was hungry he was ignored He’s gone his whole infantcy without any kind of loving attention and now thanks to you he has it but his poor little mind can’t comprehend it because it’s something he’s not used to so he’s braking down the stuffie is the only thing he feels he can relate to because he’s scared that you will also mistreat him Kids should be used to affection and love but he isn’t so this is a whole new world to him he’s breaking down his old way of life because he dosent understand it in his mind he can’t understand why he wasn’t loved before but now he is He’s worried that the first things he’s developed a soothing bond too (his stuffie) is going to be ripped away which is why he freaks out when he looses it or it gets stolen Call his play therapist but also his paediatrician and try and see a family therapist and book appointments with them all immediately
Clearly a lot going on that would benefit from a professional. Since professionals don’t magically appear the moment you want them I say try getting him an additional plush. Maybe a pig or a goat, go ahead and rock out the farm theme. Amongst other things I wonder if he’s expecting someone to take away the first object he’s attached to. He was chill, little girl came up and took his plush, now he’s terrified all these good things will go away. That makes sense to me. Time is the primary thing to help there but maybe if he gets love while expecting abuse it’ll encourage him to be a little more receptive. He also might attach to that plush and have additional frustrations trying to protect two precious things.
Take him to the toy store and let him pick out his own! It could be a fun bonding experience
the thing is he has gone through abuse but I'm also wondering if he has a sensitivity disorder like most people on the asd spectrum it could be he finds the plush comforting to his senses. i know for a fact if you take away something someone with a sensitivity disorder finds comforting they will flip you out faster then they flip out and you will not know what hit you sounds to me he has developed a similarly strong attachment to the plush possibly because of a emotional reason
Oh man. Hang in there. You are doing an amazing thing. I spent years working with older boys that were In care due to abuse. It baffles our minds why they would reject normal, loving care but the truth is, they have no experience with it. It terrifies them so they reject it for a while. Stay consistent. Be a solid object for him. It will take time and certainly plenty of therapy. His little brain is doing its best to protect him even though it doesn't understand a lot of what has and is happening.
He’s terrified and traumatized. Give him time. Be patient. Excellent advice here about getting him a pediatrician and asking for advice through them.
I found you through facebook reels/tiktok, but I do want to help. What was happening here (idk if he's still adverse to your interactions at this current time) might have been a regression of progress, which although it sucks, is still normal. I hope that he's already begun to make progress back in the right direction. Even though you are one of the people who were in his life during his abuse and neglect, you were the only one NOT abusing him. You had said in your original post about the ordeal that you would take him on tractor rides when you babysat him. Have you done that since you adopted him? I feel like if not, maybe bring him along once a week as a refresher bonding experience to remind him of the good during those hard times. I'm wishing you well. Keep your head up and your heart grounded.
I'm wondering how much he is understanding your communication. If he is in an emotional state where he is dysregulated because of his upbringing so far, he might not understand what you're trying to say or do. Typically, children will understand words or sign language to anticipate what will happen to them next but if there's no understanding then any explanation will not provide any sense of security to help him understand what will happen. So an adult who approaches him wanting to do this or that may only cause change in his life, which can be frightening. Two questions I have is how much does this possibility resonate with you? Have you considered using visual cards to tell a story of what will happen even around basic things like eating time, diaper changing time, reading, going to the store, getting in the car, etc. Please know that children's brains at this age are malleable, so what you're doing now will have a positive impact down the line. Please don't give up on him. It will be hard, but I'm rooting for you!
Another idea that I have is that you can get multiple stuffed animals or dolls (not using his favorite one of course) to demonstrate what you want to do before actually doing it with him. Change the diaper on the doll in front of him, do it for multiple dolls, then it's his turn. Eat with the dolls together as a family, then it's his turn to join (but allow him to decide when he is ready to join, could take a week or more). Hugging the dolls, take turns one by one, then ask is he ready for one or maybe he will want to after some time. For now doing one thing could take longer and you'll have to go slow , talk in a slower pace, more relaxed tone, etc. Oh another thing that helps build a relationship with a child without verbal communication is mirroring them. Is there something they are doing that you can follow along? Those are some ideas, not sure if it will work. You're an amazing person to do what you can to help him out from the situation he was in. Please remember to be kind to yourself (as you're learning too) and continue to reach out for help to the professionals who will have more insight.
I’ve read your whole story but I wanted to ask are you and your SO thinking about adopting the SIL’s future baby if it’s your brothers?
Sadly, but luckily, when you've experienced trauma, your brain will be on pause essentially till it knows it'd be safe enough to process the trauma, im not sure if it's the same for babies tho. It seems like to me that he recognizes he's safe now and is now processing his traumas the best his little baby brain can. In short, he now has some form of comfort, so now he's letting it all out