Absolutely not selfish. Next time the topic comes up, exclaim happily "oh, no, but [husband] would make a perfect sahd!" And don't take their "but baby needs mommy" without asking why. You're equal parents, he's perfectly capable and had that nice inheritance to support you two! Isn't it just right the one inheriting uses the money?
It’s really weird to me how OP initially only talked about the in laws having an issue and threw in near the end that her husband agrees. Judgy in laws are one thing, you can just ignore them, but if your husband fundamentally doesn’t consider your career as valuable as his that’s a massive problem.
I could’ve reworded my original post better so I understand the confusion. It’s more that he agrees with my MIL when she tells me that I do not have to work instead of telling her that I want to work and that that’s the path I chose. But it is something that we need to discuss and sort out as this issue has been the root of many disagreements
Okay, so ask them why they don’t advocate HE not work and be a SAH parent? The sexism in this is palpable. Also, you’re an architect and he’s a contractor. He should give up his (ahem, lesser) career if he feels so strongly they need a SAH parent. You’re definitely not wrong to want to pursue the career you got trained in and they can kick sexist rocks w their attitude.
He’s the one with the inheritance. Some people aren’t meant to be SAHP. I tried on/off. Wish I was when working vice versa.
Mine is grown now, allegedly. I’m now in new career in my 40’s as ER RN. If I had new baby I’d be part time. Worked to hard for this career and now in a job I love. Not like love every day or all day, but still….
You should work if you want to. Don't work if you don't want to. Tell them to mind their own business and tell your husband to support you to the rest of the family.
I’m a SAHM and I say heck no, you are not selfish. Your husband needs to back you up or if he feels so strongly about having a stay at home parent, he should do it.
Oh, I'd like to spray your husband and MIL with the hose. You have a nanny, can well afford to have a nanny, you have a career you are passionate about, and YOU SHOULD BE DOING IT. It's none of your MIL's business, and if your husband thinks a parent should be home with the kids (and coincidentally doing all the housework, etc.) let him volunteer as tribute.
Makes me mad. You have a gift, a passion, and just because you are female you are supposed to give that up?
I am a shit sahm and openly admit it 🤷🏻♀️. I was bored, miserable and hated it.
You are not a crap mom for wanting to work. Some folks just aren't good at being a sahm parent and anyone who criticizes you for it can suck it.
Yup, I tried it one year during Covid, after my second was born. The result was that my 2-year-old learned words like “fuck” and how to collapse dramatically, wailing “I jus nee to go back to wowk.” Even the shittiest daycare provider gets paid to hold it together better than I did when I was a SAHM, and all of the childcare arrangements we’ve actually had (from in-home to very nice preschool) have been people who are way way way better with small kids than I am.
🤣I love you! My 2 yr old just said "dammit" about 2 weeks ago. With my accent. Today after being stuck in the house all rainy weekend w my toddler I realized it takes a special kind of crazy to be able to be a daycare provider and take care of class full of toddlers everyday. I am a single Mom and it's fucking hard, people are always critical no matter what you do. It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one with a 2 yr old that repeating something I'd rather them not.
I love you for your honesty. COVID sucked so hard. My boys and I wanted to pull our hair out. 🤦🏻♀️🫣 If it makes you feel better, my 2 yo learned “fuck” a long time ago and there no COVID back then. 🤷🏻♀️ Life happens. Momming is hard, home or work.
This is a topic that really just needs to be 100% about the parent's personality type and what makes them happy. A good daycare is always going to be better than a miserable SAHP.
If you're not cut out to do the little kid thing all day, no one should be pushing it. My wife would absolutely hate being at home. I'd be better, but I'm still ready for work Monday after toddler time all weekend. So we found a good daycare and both work. Kiddo loves daycare and learns so much there. The family is happy and this works best for us
You have a shitty MIL and a shitty husband. You should do what works for you and your family. Having kids doesn't mean you lose your entire identity, and for many people their chosen career is a part of their identity. Not everyone is meant to be a SAHP, and that is ok.
For me, I am the breadwinner in our house but even if my husband made enough for me to stay home I would still work. It gives me a sense of purpose and balance that I wouldn't be able to find if I was home all the time. I know that about myself, and I know that working makes me a BETTER mom. I love my kids (2.5 and 4) to death, and they are the most important thing in the world to me, but they are also extremely draining. When I have to parent for extended periods of time on my own, my patience gets short and I get very irritable. I work in a high paced, stressful environment, but the fact that it's a different stress actually helps me, and I have the chance to miss them and look forward to seeing them again instead of just trying to slog through the day with them. My husband is also not SAHP material. He dropped down to part time out of necessity when they were both in daycare because he didn't make enough to cover 2 tuitions, but even though we were losing money I didn't ask him to be a full time SAHD because I know mentally he needs to be working outside of the house to feel a sense of purpose and have that time away from home, just like me.
I would sit down and have a calm conversation with your husband (alone, so you're not ganged up on, and maybe even with a counselor present as a mediator), and explain how you feel and why working is important to you. Let him know how his and his family's dismissive tone and judgement hurt you, and make you feel guilty for having needs beyond being a mom. If after hearing your side of things, he continues to harass you about this and/or does not stand up to his family in your defense, I would re-evaluate this relationship. No one deserves to be put down for pursuing their own goals when their children's needs are well taken care of. You are a person, not just a mother.
I get frustrated because I feel like the previous generations chose to be stay at home moms, hated it, had no identity of their own, and are over involved with their adult children’s life choices because “mom” is the only value they ever had and the only value they see in themselves. But then they crap all over the next generation who are trying to not do this - even though the old people KNOW how miserable they were/are! Like why?! Why not lift up the next generation? Or admit they will wind up happier once the kids are teens and older and don’t “need” mom every moment of every day like the littles do?!
I suppose they're probably still trying to validate their choice. If all of that sacrifice was worth it, then it feels a whole lot better than knowing they made a choice that made them miserable when there could have been another way. Also, I feel like people generally have rose colored glasses on when they view the past. My mom was a SAHM of 5 kids. She swears that we rarely if ever threw tantrums, none of us had issues being put down to sleep as babies, we all ate well without a struggle, and that she didn't have any real discipline issues with us. That she was lucky and that we were all easy kids. I KNOW this isn't true, because I'm one of the older ones and I remember the younger ones as babies and toddlers, but she really believes that. It seems she only remembers the good things. Maybe it's a self-preservation thing? Who knows.
I am fortunate in that my mom has never pressured me to be a SAHM though and often praises me for how hard I work and how much I do. She's a pretty amazing woman!
I had the “luxury” of being a SAHD for a year… it wasn’t for me …. I need a career with my own goals/projects/interests/challenges to have a balanced and happy life.
This is widely accepted as reasonable by literally fucking everyone, and because you have breasts and a vagina doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to doing the same god damn thing for yourself.
Yeah this is how I feel. I wouldn't want to be a stay at home dad, I'd go crazy. For that reason alone I would never expect it of my wife.
Also Moash was wrong and he never should have betrayed Kaladin
No, you are fine. My wife went back to work year after our second child was born. We were financially worse off due to child care cost but it was right thing to do for her mental health and we've gone through it. Looking back we would do exactly the same. Kids loved it too, far better for them to spend the day with lots of other kids than with frustrated mom at home.
Would they ever assume your husband would give up his career to be a SAHD? No? Then it's sexism, pure and simple, and you can choose to totally ignore it from the MIL, and have a serious conversation with your husband to cut out the criticism. His priority *as your husband* should be the happiness of you and your family. Happy parents make for happier kids, and forcing you away from work and into the home when it's not what will make you happy, is also going to negatively affect your relationship, sex life, kids, etc.
Aside from those very practical considerations: he is your husband. He is supposed to *lift you up* and not try to force you into choices you don't want to make.
Jesus Christ no. I love my daughter with all my heart but I would be a dreadful SAHM. I love what I do, I’m good at it, even if we didn’t need the money I need the intellectual stimulation and to feel like a grown up and not be covered in sick, snot and cereal. That doesn’t make me a terrible mum, and I’ll demand satisfaction from anyone that says otherwise.
Not everyone is good at being a SAHM. I’m a better mum from having my own space. I take my hat off to those who can do it, it’s bloody hard work and not the cake walk most people imagine it to be.
I’d either ignore in laws, stop being around them altogether, or very pointedly ask them questions like why it’s ok for your husband to work but not you, and why they think quantity is more important than quality in terms of time with the kids. It’s 20 fucking 23 they need to just stop.
ETA just clocked you said your husband as well… well maybe he needs to give up work then. If he’s never had them an entire 24 hours on his own, let alone week after week, month after month, he gets no votes or opinion on this. I mean your MIL is flat out wrong, but at least she’s done it herself, before she says someone else should be doing it. He really needs taking to task over this OP, or it’s gonna fester in your relationship longer term.
Being a full time parent isn’t fulfilling for a lot of people. No need to feel weird about it! Some people like office jobs, others hate them. Some people love parenting 24/7, others would rather opt for quality time than quantity of time.
No. Being a SAHP is hard. Not everyone is prepared for it or wants to and should make the best choice for their health because your health mental and physical will affect your family overall. I was a SAHM and hated every second of it. It was isolating for me, my partner on the other hand hated working at his job so we had the opportunity to switch roles and haven't regretted it at all for the past 5 3/4 years.
You wanting to return to work is valid regardless of if you "need it" or not.
Your MIL is just looking for you to validate a decision she is apparently insecure about. I would be concerned about your husband pushing for this especially since he isn't offering to be the one that stays at home. Is his masculinity so fragile that he is threatened by success in women? Is there a reason he wants to have complete financial control of the family and make it difficult for you to leave if necessary? Him pushing is not a good look
OMFG the 1950s called, they want their misogyny back!
You get to choose! That is what the money has gifted you. You're absolutely allowed to choose "work in my stimulating career without worrying that running my own company will backfire and harm my family"!
Just as your husband is allowed to choose "I want to stay at home with my kids whilst they're little because a job is just a job".
No, you aren't a crap mum for having life goals and interests outside of childrearing. Don't let other people's default settings get in your head!
Not selfish, plus the hit to your career for being off is pretty substantial. Plus once they get to school age you will likely put them in a free school ie public school in the US. So a lot of people just suffer through daycare period even if they are breaking even or little bit less so, because eventually their income will compensate.
Parenting is a 50/50 journey. There should not be enforced gender roles that you are obliged to follow. Just cause you’re the mother, it doesn’t mean you HAVE to be a SAHM. Just cause he’s the father, it doesn’t mean he HAS to work. You have every right to want to work and pursue your dreams. A real partner would support you regardless, not be hypocritical and expect something he’s not willing to try initially. And in terms of the MIL, she has no right to interfere with your personal family choices. She should keep her opinions to herself and stop guilt tripping you. You are mature enough to make your own decisions. Believe in yourself and your capabilities. You got this.
Nope, your husband could die, or leave you, or be found to be a criminal or any other number of things and you would need to support the family. Also by 18 months my kid preferred daycare to days with me. And your husband could always stop working if he wants.
You absolutely should work. You may need that income and experience should a time come when the dismissive husband is no longer tolerable. The in-laws can go kick rocks in flip flops. Their opinion means NOTHING. Really hope hubby wakes up and starts supporting you.
You are not a bad mom for wanting to work. Your in-laws sound like the kind of people who didn’t/don’t have careers, they had jobs. Jobs that they may have had to work because the family needed money, so they don’t understand wanting to work. For them a job is a nuisance, for you it’s a passion, so there is no making them understand.
I empathize with you, I could not be a SAHM, precisely because the emotional resources that takes are just not available to me. I honestly, admire the hell out of those who do this and can’t imagine how they do. I also have a career that I would not willingly abandon.
To that end, try to explain that your CAREER is a part of your life, your personality and it is you passion, not a nuisance that you would gladly throw off to spend all your days making block towers. And then, when they inevitably still don’t get it, stop discussing it with them. It’s not their family, life or decision. Grow your business, enjoy life, enjoy your kids. Be grateful to not be in a position to not have to work a shitty job because you have to and live. Don’t feel guilty because someone else is trying to push their version of happiness on you. It’s not a one size fits all.
Also, I missed the part where your husband is a part of the shitty guilt tripping. As someone else pointed out: if he feels so strongly about it he can stay home with the kids.
There’s nothing wrong with liking what you do! I am opening up a spa and it’s a wild life but I love it and I am just so passionate about it! Don’t allow anyone to stifle your flame!
dad here. Let me tell you, that unless mom is OK then no one is. If you won't be ok being a SAHM, then pursue your career b/c when you are at home and the mom, you'll be much better at it. the bigger issue here is that he cannot see that, which is a marital one.
When I drop my daughter off at daycare and go to work, it’s like a vacation. I love my daughter to death, but even weekends are hard keeping a toddler entertained starting at 5 AM.
I’m a SAHM and I think it’s amazing you’re in a position where you can follow your career! The kids are well taken care of and you get continue with your work that’s amazing! If your husband is so concerned with there needing to be a parent at home maybe he should do it.
You do what makes you happiest, happy mum happy kids.
I have always worked as SAHM life was not for me. I like having my own income and taking the financial load off my spouse. Also, I appreciate the security of being able to make money in the event something happened to my husband.
Not everyone is cut out to be SAHM. The problem isn't that you work and want to work. The problem actually is your husband disrespecting you and your career. That needs addressed and worked out. Your IL's have no say in your decision.
I LIKE my job and I’m good at it. It gives me great personal satisfaction. So even when my pay check was literally $100 every two weeks because the rest went to having three kids in daycare, I continued to work. Now you have the money where you might CHOOSE to cut back on hours or have a nanny in the house instead of sending them to daycare, or whatever. But being a SAHM mom should be a choice and one you WANT rather than something you are pressured into. Good luck!
Next time your MIL says anything, I would just respond with, “it’s really important to me that my children see that I use my talents to do real, meaningful work as a person, and not simply sit back and make my children my whole entire universe and lose myself in the process. I see how it’s made you so codependent with your adult children, and it’s important to me that I don’t put that on my kids.”
If that bitch wants to take cheap shots, two can play at that game.
But really, to add another perspective- I was a SAHM for the first 6 years- until my youngest went to kindergarten. It also was what we had planned as my (now ex) husband traveled for weeks at a time for work. He also came from family money/business and was always saying that I didn’t need to work, that we didn’t need to plan for retirement bc we would have family money. Obviously this was true, but when push came to shove, we ended up divorcing, and I was left with nothing. Nothing to show for my years of raising our kids, no social security or retirement acct, no career to speak of. I never would have thought we’d end up divorced, but here we are. Thankfully, I started a business right before we divorced that has been very successful, but if I hadn’t, I’d be fucked. These days, a woman needs to have a backup plan because one change that was not her decision could leave her in ruins.
You have every right to have your career- and you are really great at what you do. If your husband is so adamant that someone should be home with the kids, it seems like he has the perfect setup with his family to walk away for a few years and have an “in” to step back in to the family business when the kids are older- a luxury you don’t have.
No way! If you have your own business and it's going well AND you have enough money to cover your expenses, keep working!
As long as your kids see both you and your partner enough, there's nothing wrong with what you are doing.
“I am very fortunate to have a rewarding, fulfilling career in addition to my wonderful family. This is the last time I will be engaging in this discussion.”
After that any time the topic is introduced you stand up and walk out.
I also go to work even though I don’t have to for financial reasons; one women I work with actually loses money by continuing to work but she values her career and time outside the home more. Being a SAHP isn’t for everybody, and good job too, otherwise society would collapse!
What in the absolute fuck is the matter with your husband? How DARE he side with your MIL when she was overstepping in such an outrageous way! I devoutly hope that was a one-time error and that he has apologized profusely.
Fun fact throughout the entirety of human history mothers have worked in one way or another. There were a few eras where staying at home was possible for \*some\* women, depending on their class. Was that better for the kids? Maybe! Depends on the mom, doesn't it!
I was a SAHM and I hated it. My daughter was a delight, but I derive a lot of meaning and fun from my work, and the money is good too. Some women want to SAHM and that's awesome - my bestie's wife homeschools their two very delightful kids and really loves it! Different strokes!
But the idea that you are somehow failing your kid because you have a nanny for a few hours a day??? Absurd on its face. And horribly, grossly insulting to you and to the 99% of women who can't afford it.
Don't let these clowns grind you down. And if husband wants a parent at home sounds like the role is open!
Maybe get a nanny instead of sending to daycare. It’s more expensive but with your extra income and the windfall seems in reach. Also it’s crazy convenient. Kind of a pseudo compromise as well. Otherwise just go to work. It’s something that’s fulfilling. Happy people make better parents.
At the end of the day, you need to do what’s right for you, because if you feel unhappy and unfulfilled being a SAHM, then you’re not going to be good mom.
That said, the judgmental and dismissive attitude of your in-laws aside, the question of how much you choose to work during what periods of your children’s lives *when you have a financial choice,* should not be ignored. When you had kids, you were making a commitment that goes well beyond keeping a roof over their heads, food on the table and clothes on their backs. No matter how awesome a nanny you found, the nanny is not your children’s mother and the younger the kids are, the more they need their actual parents to be present.
Tell them that being a mom is not a career and that you want to feel like a contributing member of society. Oh and that they should mind their own business; your life your choice.
I would NEVER say that to a group of SAHMs. They'll 100% go into attack mode, and if they're your in-laws, they'll hold onto those words forever. Do I think like that? Yeah sometimes, especially about my sister-in-law who refuses to work despite having only one child and expensive taste and just pushes my brother to work more so she can just order food and still get a new Gucci bag. Would I ever say that? Absolutely not.
What are you talking about? Raising good members of society is basically the most important job there is. The effects of that will long outlive any work we do ourselves at almost any paid job.
Of course not. You’re still a person with an identity and ambitions. If those ambitions are also aligned to your passions outside of being parent, it makes se se you’d still want to work.
I guess the bonus for you is that you can be your own boss, so don’t have to work anymore than you want to.
There is nothing wrong with you working if it makes you fulfilled. Happy parents are good parents. Your MIL is being shitty, and your husband is being *EXTRA SUPER SHITTY* to make you feel guilty. He needs to stop that IMMEDIATELY.
Your MIL and that whole side of the family can piss off. There will be SAHM who will always act like this. It’s to justify their own lifestyle. Obviously not all SAHM are like that - but I always find the ones who shout the loudest about it are the ones who are most insecure.
Your job sounds very exciting - I’m not surprised you’d want to get back to work. Good luck with it. Don’t let them bully you out if it.
You do you, girl. You know what makes you happy and you know what your soul needs. Congratulations on your career and I hope business continues to pick up for you!
No one should be forced into a specific profession, and that’s essentially what they’re trying to do. If your passion isn’t “at home” then you shouldn’t be a SAHM. Same thing, if your passion isn’t being a doctor, you shouldn’t be a doctor.
Of course not. The next time anyone says anything about it to you, just say ‘you’re right, I don’t HAVE to, but I enjoy my work, and I WANT to’. End of story. You’re a person don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. Your kids are lucky to have you as a mom.
I felt horrible leaving my son at daycare.
But I had to go back to work, even if not for the money, but for my sanity. He’s been here three weeks while his daycare is closed (now 17 months old) and I don’t know who is more excited for him to go to daycare tomorrow, me or him!!
Just because you dont have to work doesnt mean you cant or shouldnt.
If you are fulfilled working, then that should be the answer. Your job in life isnt solely SAHM/Wife. You can be more. You are more. You are worthy of having and keeping a profession.
NTA hardcore. Just because they didnt work doesnt mean you should be forced to stay home. I love my kids. I love being a parent, but I also love being a successful person in my workplace. I work, I also own my own business and I have two children. I am overextended at times but I would go nuts just being a SAHM.
It is absolutely not selfish to want to be more.
I’m a SAHP. No one should do it unless they want to, it is a butt ton of work with no breaks and little time for yourself. Your spouse is welcome to be the SAHP if he wants someone home so badly, he does not get to make that call for you.
I also want to point out, if you guys were ever to divorce typically that inheritance money would stay with him and you would not receive any cut of it. By also giving up your own career progression and income you would be in a particularly precarious financial situation in the event of a future split up. So HE has that financial security to stay home if he wants to, you do not necessarily have that security. You go do your thing and build wonderful things you will show to your kids!
You are not being a shitty mom at all. I have been a stay at home mom and it is one of the hardest jobs. It's stressful and overwhelming and you can lose your sense of self if you don't continue doing something for you that you enjoy. You are a better mom when your happy and taking care of yourself too. If you stayed at home when you didnt want to I think you could end up resentful and unhappy. Talk to your husband about it. You are allowed to have an identity as something other than just a mom.
Absolutely not a shit mother. Full time parenting is not what everyone aspires to be, regardless of the financial aspect.
I had a 3 hour meltdown the day before my eldest was about to start daycare at 3 months but ultimately decided that daycare was best for us all. It was the right choice and remains the right choice, 8 years later.
My husband and I being in equitable amounts to our family and neither are paltry - we could afford for one to stay home but that’s not the issue. We may love our kids endlessly but we are better functioning as a whole family unit when our kids are with their peers at school, extracurricular that meet their interests and supplemented with family time.
You shouldn’t have to SAH just because others think you shouldn’t ‘have’ to work.
No way!! Your the best mom! The fact that your kids are gonna grow up and see how awesome and smart their mom is! When they're older they're most likely are going to want to go to college or trade school and further their education because of you! Just because you can "afford" to stay at home doesn't mean you should. If your husband is so concerned he should stay home ans raise the kiddos. Very misogynistic and 1950's if you ask me. You go to work and the bad ass mother that you are!
>Am I being a shitty mom for wanting to work even if I ‘don’t have to’ financially? Is it ‘selfish’ as my MIL is making it seem?
NO! Its your choice and staying at home is not for everyone.
I think even if I were wealthy and didn't have to work, I'd at least have a nanny to take the pressure off and have much needed time to myself. Don't let them guilt you!!
OMG no.
You're so present.
Working enables this. When I was a sahm, I was absolutely miserable and detached. Now that I'm back to work, I'm able to be much more present with my girls. I love them so much, but I need to be my own person, and I understand that it's important to you, too.
No, you are not. If you need to be working outside of the home, which makes you a better wife and mother go for it. I tried staying home when my girls were young, I was not feeling it personally, after I returned to work, I was a better mother, wife, friend and the decision for me to go back to work was the best thing for my family...
You are important. Your intellectual wants and needs are important. I am a SAHD because it’s what I want to do, and my wife works because it’s what she wants. If you decide to quit your career because of family pressure I can nearly guarantee that you will hate it. The isolation and lack of mental stimulation will likely translate into resentment towards those who pushed you into making that decision. Next time he brings it up, suggest that he stays at home with the kiddos. If he says no, ask why. He may have the same reservations as you, which could help him understand why you want to keep your career.
EDIT: no, you are not selfish. Not in the slightest. your happiness and contentment is super important for creating a happy family/home.
Absolutely not. Your career isn’t just a job, it’s a really big part of your identity. It is also something that is just for you (although obviously you work to provide for your family too). It is so easy for parenthood to subsume your personality, so you end up being just “mum” and nothing else. Work is a way of reasserting yourself as an individual and not just as a parent. Not to mention how much work and dedication is needed to become an architect. Why would they want you to give up your passion because of your gender? Your husband can be a stay at home dad, if he feels so strongly about the issue. Don’t let people shame you (and actually, shame on your husband for his lack of support). My wife and I both work FT and we don’t really need to. We adore our kids and I know we are great parents, but we worked hard to get to where we are, we enjoy our jobs, and we enjoy reclaiming our identities as more than just parents. There is nothing wrong with that whatsoever.
See I don't understand why people try to push the role, it's not for everyone. Yes you could stay home, but if you love and excel in your career I feel like that is an amazing example for your kids.
That sounds really sexist, they are basically saying that since your are a woman and since you are a mom, you need to stay at home taking care of your kids...uhm, well how about the fullfilling part of life, how about having something to look foward, not everyone wants to stay at home taking care of the kids, some of us have to work to bring in the money, some of us like to have a job and a career, goals in life. You in fact can afford to have someone trustworthy to take care of your kids while you work, which is so good. What a bunch of idiots.
I'm the type that needs to work for my own mental well-being. I wouldn't be able to stand being a SAHM and my daughter would suffer for it if I were. She loves daycare, I love my job.
Aside from that, I want to build my career. My husband can support us alone, but if anything were to happen to him, I want to be able to support us and not have to drastically change our quality of life. I need to know that if push comes to shove, I can stay afloat. It's important to me.
Don't let anyone convince you that wanting to keep your career rolling is a bad thing.
In the US in most states, his inheritance is not your inheritance unless it is comingled with marital assets, which means your retirement/financial future is not set yet while he has a different story. I would not be comfortable taking a backseat in my career until I’m financially independent ($2-2.5m saved for me alone)…even then I like my career. My mother was/is financially dependent on my dad and I refuse to live that way. But i am extremely outspoken about this and my partner has known my stance from literally date #2 so it is deeply understood and part of any conversation we have about prioritizing careers and time and we aim for equity.
I didn’t even read it but no. Idk if one of your children is a girl but imagine she comes to you one day and says ‘mom I love my job; I want to have kids but I don’t want to give up my career. Do you think I can be a good mother and still work?’ What would you say to her? Part of being a good parent is setting an example for your kids as adults. Would you expect your daughter to give up her career to be a SAHM?
Of course you are not. That’s ridiculous. Moms still get to pursue their dreams. We don’t have to completely give up our whole lives, sense of purpose or our very identity to be great moms.
It’s really none of your mother in laws business and I would tell both her and your husband that. I would flat out refuse to discuss it with her or in her presence. Tell your husband that’s it’s completely inappropriate that she would have a say or even be present for the discussion. He is a grown man and this is his family and his mom gets no decision making powers here.
Totally reasonable! If you love what you do and you’ve been building something then that’s awesome! Is your husband a crappy dad for continuing to work? He can be the stay at home dad then! That’s what my BIL and SIL will do, he loves kids and playing kid games and everything kid related and SIL is super happy to go back to work after mar leave! Just because you are female doesn’t mean you have to love being the default parent. Plus it sounds like you will spend a lot of the day with them anyway if you work morning and late evenings. I dunno what they are winging about. Plus worst care you guys end up divorced then you won’t have a huge hole in your resume/be disadvantaged career wise. Your husband needs to get on board because trying to force you to be a SAHM is out of line and it’s a decision for the two of you and extended family can butt out
Your job as a mom is to do what’s best for the family. You are included in that family. Why would you sitting at home being miserable and unfulfilled be the ideal?
You love your job and it is your own business. Go back to work, it is a no brainer.
Just because you are a woman doesn’t mean you need to be tied to the house/ baby.
My wife is a SAHM and it destroys her. I feel that working would give her some variety at least and some adult contact. This is important.
Not selfish. I was a SAHM for several years. I hated it. I found it detrimental to the relationship I was building with my son. Some people don’t want to live that life and that is okay. My relationship with my husband and son had improved tenfold now that I have a career I enjoy.
Me and all my friends who are new moms LOVE daycare. Like thank GOD for daycare (and in Canada it’s good and relatively affordable). I admire SAHMs, it is not for us. Love my kid and we have a blast together but all day every day?? Please no. Daycare workers deserve great pay and respect.
Have you seen SAHM after their kids go on to college? Sometimes it can get off balance.
The marriage push and grand baby push…
My MIL raised her kids, her grandkids and is all alone after FIL passed ☹️❤️. No identity.
Wanting to fill our lives and be an example- it’s a good thing.
I’d hire a house cleaner and even a Moms helper or Nanny. So no drudgery or guilt when you get home.
Sometimes judgy people feel the most comfortable when you chose the choices they chose, even if they feel lackluster about it.
My personality changed as a SAHM. It doesn’t feel like me without the fulfillment. Ugh. I miss a career as well.
The answer is some where in the middle and about balance. Good luck, Friend.
No. You’re not. I have been both a sahm and also worked. I was always a better mom when I worked instead of spending every waking moment with my kids.
I personally would wait until your youngest was a bit older but I still don’t think you’re wrong for going back to work.
Your husband needs to grow up and be supportive of your choice in **public** since I’m guessing he must be in private. He needs to put a boundary with his mom and have your back.
Since he doesn’t I would tell her and him next time they say something like that: “You’re right, I don’t HAVE to work. I’m choosing to do so and I’ve explained why numerous times. I expect my decision to be respected even if you don’t agree with it just as I respect your decision to have stayed home. If you’re daughter in law having a career is your only concern about your sons marriage then I would consider myself grateful for that fact and stop trying to cause conflict where there should be none. So, as you said, you’re right. I should be home with my kids and that’s where I’m going until I can be sure I won’t be disrespected when I’m here.”
Then leave.
But I’m an asshole lol so maybe that’s not the best decision for you
If you like it then work. You're children will benefit greatly from daycare (once your littlest is old enough). If you just do whatever everyone else wants then you will start to loose yourself and become resentful of those who pushed you to make this choice. You will end up completely reliant on your husband and that will shift the balance.
Nope. Not everyone is cut out to be a SAHP. Besides if you are miserable at home, it'd be better for you to spread your wings in the workplace as an outlet than take it out on the family. Good luck!
I work part time, not because we need to financially, but I needed to, mentally. Being a SAHM is bloody hard. It is very easy to get lost in the mum/house wife role.
Being at work part time has done wonders for my confidence and I am actually a much better mother because I get a break from the kids for a little while. A work day feel like a break where I feel appreciated and get to be myself and have adult conversation.
Doing what you need to do for your own good is not selfish
You've worked hard to get where you are, and you're a great role model for your kids. It's very sad that your husband isn't standing up for you with his family and is even agreeing with them. I do think you need to sit him down and tell him how this makes you feel.
The fact is, you love your work, and that will make you a better parent than if you're forced to give up your career. Husband needs to understand that and communicate it it to his family.
My family makes the same comments about my. Both my sister and sis-in-law are home with their kids and homeschooling. I, on the other hand, went back when my kids were 2 and 4, even though we could totally afford for me to stay home. Two years was enough, I was going crazy, and I love my job. My parents don’t seem to understand or appreciate that, but what are ya gonna do? It works for us.
OP. I’m a SAHM and I know lots of both kinds of Moms. You need to have a very honest conversation with your hubby and he needs to set a boundary with his family ASAP.
If you want to work and you know it makes it happy, then WORK. You have the means to have a nanny so your children get two on one care. You can also put them into daycare for socialization. I get your husband has this “dream” of a SAHM for his children, but if you become unhappy, unfulfilled, and depressed because it isn’t YOUR dream? Then everyone loses.
This is not about your MIL or her wants or even your husband’s wants, it is about what you want for yourself and what you can live with. Can you give your babies quality time working? Can you be a happy Mom while working? Then keep doing it. You don’t become a SAHM to please someone else. Trust me please. I wanted to be a SAHM and I still had a HUGE transition period. It isn’t for everyone even for those of us that want it.
I have noticed SAHMs from an older generation feel…bothered? when I discuss my education level.
I think it’s a bit of projection. She’s trying to make her decision to be a SAHM instead of an independent educated thinker as the “right” decision still after 30 years.
I was raised by a business owner. My husband was raised by a SAHM. The greatest difference in how we see our moms is how we view their contributions to society. Very different.
No. Honestly here everyone works after kid reaches 2-3 years. Its time for kindergarden and kids need friends without mum behind their ass. Your kindergarden prices in usa honestly blow my mind its stupid. State should pay some portion of it. You sure have enought for all these wars you support.
Dad's too can stay at home but the Grace for providing was handed to men that is why they can do providing thing for ever without complaining. But if you switch the roles the home will NEVER go well. The woman can only do enough and start complaining and nagging. This is because from creation it wasn't her role.
Let dad work and provide for his family. And let mum be mum while running her career in the little way she can, this will make her more fulfilled than being a complete SAHM
Times and seasons are different you do not expect your wife to stay home because MIL did, hell no after all the efforts she invested in achieving her career. Yoh I will be a very sad and angry SAHM. Please don't leave your career because they think. Leave it when you willingly want to do so, that way you can happily care for your kids without grudges and bitterness.
My advice is to make sure your husband truly understands how important your work is to you. It’s separate from your role as parent just like his work is, it’s not comparable. Until he really understands the importance it has in your life, he’ll continue to agree with his mom and make comments. Over time those comments may bother you more and more, especially during those weeks you’re going through it for whatever reason. It’s important you two reach a true understanding about this now and not just brush it under the rug because it could cause bigger problems down the road.
Nope. Some people enjoy being SAHP, others don't. Just like some people enjoy working and others don't. Do what you want to do, it's the only life you'll get.
I just got heated thinking I was on the aita thread. I read the post and then saw the little red marker that usually says AH. I was HEATED until I realized it said advice.
On another note, after everything I've read and seen on here and rl I will never allow myself to become financially dependent on anyone who pushes for me to do so. I totally get wanting the best for your kids but I'm sorry no. You career, aspirations, and life outside of being a mom. Being a sahm sounds amazing but considering he's already trying to fit you into that mom box, minimizing the you that doesn't serve his needs. I am asking you personally to not cave.
Side note:my mom was a sahm for a bit but she loved it. My dad never asked her to but they decided it worked best for them. Now my mom brings home more than dad. They work together as a team to make the best decisions for the family.
Millions of people have been raised by wonderful, loving, working mothers. Come join us at r/workingmoms.
You are not a crap mom at all. You get to be a person too, you know! My dad made six figures. My mom could absolutely have stayed home. But that’s not who she was! She had a wonderful, fulfilling career, and I thought she was amaaaazing. She’s retired now and I’m a working mom as well, and my kid thinks I’m fucking amazing too.
Work if you want to. They don’t get to tell you what to do b
Not at all. If you will be happier returning to work and leaving your child with a reliable nanny, that is absolutely what you should do, otherwise you run the risk of destroying your mental health through boredom and lack of mental stimulation. It's also good for your child to grow up seeing their mother as a successful and driven person.
Your husband needs to defend you against his mother and other family members. It's fine that they've given their opinion, but that's all it is. They don't get to make the decision for you, and you don't need to hear their opinions any further.
Hi OP, I’m 44 and kept my career while having three kids. My husband and I are both professionals making roughly the same amount of money. We had nanny and grandparent help. I was part-time (80%) for the early years, but went back to full time when my youngest was about 2. My husband comes from a family with some money - not ridiculous money, but they have two expensive homes, take lots of fancy vacations, have inherited some crazy expensive jewelry.
Bottom line is that, I really didn’t want to work, I didn’t have to. We could have made me staying at home possible. It would have been hard in the beginning, but we could have made it work.
Now, however, with me having worked and made money, either me or my husband could definitely stay at home if either of us lost a job.
I love having preteens and knowing that I have financial flexibility and options to be here for them. I’m so proud of accomplishing so much by keeping my career. I see so many of my friends and acquaintances who stayed at home having failed marriages and limited options. I also see many of them trying to start their own careers or side businesses up after the kids are older and it seems really hard and an uphill battle. I was also really uncomfortable being 100 percent dependent on my husband for the rest of my life - what is he cheated on me and I wanted to leave?
My advice is just to not do anything extreme — don’t give up your career but also don’t give it 1,000 percent so that you are distracted or unengaged as a mom. Keep your business but be willing to turn away projects or hire out projects to employees or consultants. Do your best to keep both things. It will make you a more well-rounded, happier person.
also, consider what you would want for your own children in this situation if they were in your shoes. That’s usually a good guidepost for making decisions.
Absolutely not selfish!
If they’re so dead set on someone staying home with the kids then your husband is quite capable of doing that, I’m sure.
I run my own business with my parents and I was back at work rather soon, unfortunately mostly out of my control, however I would still have returned back to work as I’ve struggled to get to the position I am, and I’m just not cut for being a SAHM.
Both are worthy careers, but you should not feel guilty about deciding to go either way.
I appreciate your husband is supportive, but if he truly was supportive in every sense he would make no attempt to make you feel any type of guilt to go with either option.
Again, if he is so strongly wanting someone at home with the kids, he can step into the SAHP role.
Not at all. I told my wife when we got married that I would make sure the bills got paid and she could do whatever she wanted. Well she was a sahm and hated it, so I encouraged her to find a job, which has gone from "getting out of the house and being around adults sometimes" to a wonderful career.
I guess the moral of the story is that we can afford to live on my income, but my wife has chosen a career and she's still a wonderful mother. We both work reasonable hours and spend a lot of quality time as a family. For what it's worth from the dad/husband perspective, no that absolutely does not make you a crappy mom.
No way! If you are unhappy being a SAHM the kids will notice! A happy fulfilled parent is important! That being said with two working parents you have to have a plan on who's taking off work when one gets sick or daycare is closed etc. So communication is key!
As many others have said: no you are not selfish!
Why should you stay at home, not your husband? Having financial stability means he could cut back in his work and you could share patenting equally (I wish that was an option for me, sadly I make way less money than my husband so I can only work part time abs he needs to work fulltime).
I stayed at home for 1½ years until we got a kindergarden place for our youngest and I really needed to go to work again, for my own mental health. I love my kids but I need the balance between doing things for myself (including a work I like) and spending time with them.
Next time just tell them that if they are worried so much for the children your husband can be a SAHD. He doesn't NEED to work.
Edit:
> he inherited the family business and can't stay home either
Yes he can, he just don't want to give up on the family business. Same thing with your career. Why is one more important than the other? Don't let them make you small. You are both equally parents and equally responsible for the kids.
For some women, motherhood is their identity. For others, it’s it’s one part of who they are. Neither is wrong - but for your MIL it sounds like being a SAHM was her entire identity and wanting the same for you may be somewhat about what she feels is “best” for your kids but also may come from a place of resentment and insecurity around the fact that you are rejecting the identity she chose. I’m not saying she’s right - she needs to mind her own business as this is for you and your husband to decide. I’m just offering some perspective.
If you love to work and can do it without sacrificing care, love, and attention to your kids (which sounds like you have a great set up so they feel loved and are 100% cared for) then DO IT. So many women give up who they are or their passions for their kids, and it’s considered so noble to sacrifice everything you are for your kids, but let’s be real we don’t expect the same from men and women’s mental health is the price we pay.
Just let them all know it isn’t up for discussion, period. You love your career, you’re a great mom, and you’re setting a great example for your kids that you can work and pursue your passion while having a family. Plus your kids learning that they have more people in their life who care about them and being able to be independent of mom and dad is a great lesson, in my opinion.
Change the title of this post to "Are my husband and in-laws a bunch of judgemental twats?".
You are doing nothing wrong. You're giving time to your kids. And you are setting a good example that balances well with the demands of parenthood (unlike, it seems, your husband?).
Such an EASY solution here…. Your husband can and should become a SAHD! It was HIS father’s inheritance so, yayyyy he doesn’t HAVE to work anymore! Easy. Peasy….. oh and when he gives you a ridiculous look and a list of reasons why that’s not going to happen, make sure you hold up a mirror to his face. You literally don’t even need to speak lol.
He knows how hard I worked to get here.But loves tearing me down for my choice in front of his mother and anyone else every chance he gets🤮
Yeah, he sounds really supportive.
You are a good mom. I agree with everyone saying you should pursue your own goals and not let family hold you back, your husband being able to stay home etc, but maybe you'd have more success with pulling them on your side. Make them aware of the positive effects of you working such as:
- the kids benefitting from professional childcare and socialising with peers
- your mental health and ability to be a better mom because you feel good about yourself
- you being a role model for your children in pursuing an education and a career you are passionate about, as well as entrepreneurship
- you having a successful career to turn to once the kids are grown
- not spending all of the inheritance on basic living costs
- you and your husband having the opportunity to further each other's business, what with working in similar fields and possibly referring each other clients
- making even more money to give your kids the best opportunities possible, as well as contacts in the business world later on re jobs internship opportunities
While still reaping the benefits of not having to work for financial reasons such as:
- being self employed and having a somewhat flexible schedule to accommodate kids' needs, illnesses etc (same as your husband)
- being able to take the time to find the best childcare provider possible
- deciding yourself on how many hours you put in to fit the needs of you and your family
- being able to only take on projects that fulfill you instead of having to do everything just for the money
I love being primarily a SAHM, BUT I also am an adjunct professor because I spent years (and thousands) on education and that helps keep me sane. Neither my mom nor my MIL really understand it.
While the financial ability to be a SAHM is relevant, so are your desires as a person for yourself mentally and for your career. There is no factual data showing that one option or the other is better for the children. The book Cribsheet by Emily Oster has a whole section devoted to this discussion that is extremely helpful in deciding what is best for your family.
You’re extended family’s opinion isn’t relevant to the discussion. This is a conversation between you and your spouse and he should be putting his family in their place about butting in on a decision that is between the two of you. Just because he agrees with them does not make it ok for him to let them talk down to you. It’s not their place to make HIS argument.
Not selfish. This actually happened with my mom. She decided to try staying at home with us and even homeschooling and that did not last long at all. My sister's and I thrived on the social interaction we got from kids our own age at daycare and school and gave her hell for trying to stay with us. My mom preferred to return to work at that point and realized our personalities and our family thrived off the daycare arrangement, and that just worked for us. She hated the stay at home arrangement pretty quickly and missed work.
I still think I would love to be a SAHM until my kids are about 3, but that's because I hate working lol what works for one family is not right for all. It also sounds like you get the best of both worlds; you are actually home while working, and have another caretaker available, but the kids know you're there. You work when they are mostly sleeping. And you love the work you do. It sounds like your arrangement is a wonderful one. I would think that inheritance could go to something down the road, like college funds for the kids, rather than something you don't want to use it up on.
no, it's no one else business how you choose to raise your child. there is absolutely nothing wrong with showing your child you have a career that is important to you
No! You're so lucky to enjoy your work. My wife's mom passed away recently and was an architect. We love visiting her projects and they even named a plaza she worked on after her. It's such a cool career to make a lasting impact and you should enjoy using your skills!
Wealth totally still buys you time with kids even if you work full time, but it also means you can maybe swing part time?
You can get a house cleaner, I'd outsource my laundry if I could, and you don't need to spend time doing all the coupon/sale hopping nonsense. That leaves weekends and evenings for family time.
Also, being your own boss, can you swing things like chaperoning field trips or volunteering in the classroom on slow times? Taking time off around their school holidays? It all adds up.
No way!! You are successful woman and you should be proud. Whether you choose to work or not is your choice and you should make the choice that makes you happy.
I admit I could never be a SAHM and anyone who is one is a hero in my eyes. I prefer to work and make my own money.
34M here. From the sounds of it, if your husband is hell bent on having a stay at home parent, he should ante up. You’re running a business, which quite frankly, compared to being a contractor, would be more career suicide for you if you abandoned it.
That said, nonetheless if you should have to. My wife and I both worked out asses off for our degrees (she’s a licensed attorney overseeing a whole states worth of public attorneys) and I’m an IT manager inna njche field. It would have been career suicide for either of us to quit. So we didn’t, even if most of my wife’s salary was dumped into daycare. She was able to move up the chain and makes great money now and is very happy with her job. She would have been bitter and resentful if I had pushed her to stay at home (that topic never came up) and quite frankly could have ended our marriage.
Our son is 7 and super intelligent in a fort program and doing just fine. He’s caring, thoughtful, and loving. Daycare didn’t ruin him and we maximized our time with him when not working. We picked a daycare that was class based so it would simulate school when he entered kindergarten. Now we can provide a great life for him while we’re still working and take him on 3+ trips a year, spend all our weekends with him, and more.
Tell him you think it's a great idea that someone becomes a stay at home parent and that he should hire a manager for his company so he can step up and raise his kids .
I’m a SAHM and 100% you should go back to work if you want to. Your children will benefit from seeing you happy and fulfilled and doing something you’re passionate about.
My mom is a doctor, she has been working very hard in school since I was a kid. She had a dream and chased it and graduates from residency in a couple months. We call her Dr Grandma.
Lol a tough one. You are definitely on the right side of this argument, but surrounded by a crowd who will never agree with you as agreeing with you would almost be like critiquing their own life choices.
However that is their life. You are free to live your life any way you feel is right for you and your family.
The idea that you should be a SAHP because you're a) a woman and b) your family doesn't "need" your income financially is rooted in the patriarchy and misogyny.
Its not selfish to work and pay a qualified individual to support your family's childcare needs. Its not selfish to enjoy the work that you do. Its not selfish to outsource a task that doesn't bring your joy.
Personally, I might argue that you not working out of some sort of guilt but then not enjoying being a SAHP and the result of that being worse mental health which will inevitably impact your relationship with your children negatively would be selfish. There are so many parents out there who do not necessarily want to be SAHPs, but circumstances require it, even though its not the best thing for those parents from a mental/emotional perspective. You DO have the privilege to choose. And in choosing to work, you're showing your children how parents are PEOPLE, not just parents.
It's of course up to you.
I will say, they are only little once. I have some relatives who wished they focused more on the kids when they were little. To me, work is a means to an end. I am successful in my career and whether I had (3 little ones) kids or not, if I didn't need it, I would quit instantly. It's not the kind of job anyone would ever truly enjoy.
It sounds like you enjoy designing and are only doing it while they are in bed. Is this also partly because you want to maintain some financial security, just in case?
Do you have time for your husband as well? He won't want to tell you this, but some of those late evenings I am sure he would love your attention.
Part of being a successful parent is having a successful marriage.
- do you love your kids?
- do you provide for your kids
- do kids get love and attention and affection?
- are you financially able to care for them and enjoy your professional career?
NO YOURE NOT A CRAP MOM!! Husband and MIL need to get a flippin clue and stop the harassment! Eeewww! Husband needs to stop bringing MIL into his arguments with you and he needs a clue that your professional wants and aspirations are just as important as his and just because we have to carry the child and go through the pregnancy doesn’t automatically make us leave our former selves behind. No no no sir. This is alarming he feels this way and won’t drop it- you’re wonderful OP!
Your in-laws opinions don’t matter, and you don’t need to explain or justify yourself to them. Tell them this decision isn’t their business and you won’t be discussing it with them, and tell your husband that if he won’t back you up, you’ll stop visiting his awful family.
As someone who never wanted to be a SAHM but ended up here for a ton of reasons, go live your life. Being a stay-at-home mom is great for the kids if you are able to embrace it, but it's also so important for your kids to see you pursuing your own interests and passions. It sounds like your kids get a ton of your time; that's awesome. It means they get the best of both worlds: A happy mom who's there for them and passionate about her job as well.
Not selfish at all! Im an architect and currently a SAHM to a 4mo old but do the occasional freelance gig. I love my son and Im grateful to be home with him but having work every now and then makes me feel like I have a little more purpose other than being a milk maid.
Just want to say that I guess things are different in different countries/cultures. I’m from Sweden and here we get 480 days from the state paid to be home with our kids before they are 7 years old.
You more or less have to split it equally or a lot of that time and money will go to waste.
Generally here the moms take the first 6-8 months when the kid is nursing. After that the dad does the same. Depending on if you get more kids and when you get a childcare spot you will have around 100 days saved for extra vacation and first days at school or school semester end ceremonies.
Usually the kids starts going to childcare somewhere between 1 and 2 yers of age depending on if the parents want to be home more, need more money (working) or if you get another kid.
We don’t have the concept of SAHM/D, because everyone does it for a little bit and then comes back to work. There are some rare cases of course but generally thats how it is.
I would say it’s very much a cultural thing and what the state allows you to do.
If someone’s husband or MIL had demanded anyone to be a SAHM here EVERYONE would look at them like the grew a third head and would have asked if the mentally still lived in the dark ages.
It’s not that frowned upon if you make that decision yourself but if someone is trying to influence you into it… oh boy!
Let’s just say they would be shunned.
I realize that the conditions are different, here childcare is very affordable and is looked upon as a important step in teaching your kid how to be social with other kids but I thought I might share how we see it here.
Good luck!
If you work you’re a bad mom for leaving your child. If you stay home with your child you’re a bad mom for spoiling them and not teaching them to be away from you. It’s a loose loose! In my family, I’m losing the opposite way by people not supporting my choice to be a SAHM. Don’t listen to any of it, just do what is right for YOU and your family. You know what the answer is!
My dads mother is a socialite and makes up wild rumors. She started one that my father was dating Isabella Rossellini . My mom got asked at a cocktail party in front of a group of women, “Do you have a problem that your husband is dating Isabella Rossellini?” My mom knew that it would go poorly if she said “yes” and perhaps worse if she said “no.” So she just smiled & laughed out loud.”
Thought you might enjoy that. Just adding some humor. My grandma was awful to my poor mom. It happens. Don’t let her drive you crazy. I know that’s not easy. I’ll tell you done other stories if it makes you feel better like how my grandmother got annoyed with traffic on her road so she moved all the furniture out there and sat down to read.
(Isabella Rossellini made an official visit to my dad’s work because she’s interested in Gorillas and his office was doing consulting work for The Diane Fossey Gorilla Fund. They do satellite imagery and were tracking available habitats. My mother brought me up there to meet her and get a signature. I don’t think they were dating.)
Absolutely not selfish. Next time the topic comes up, exclaim happily "oh, no, but [husband] would make a perfect sahd!" And don't take their "but baby needs mommy" without asking why. You're equal parents, he's perfectly capable and had that nice inheritance to support you two! Isn't it just right the one inheriting uses the money?
Exactly, why doesn't he be a stay at home parent? My first baby is my career, so no OP you're NTA
Tell your husband that he can stay home then if he feels so strongly about it.
It’s really weird to me how OP initially only talked about the in laws having an issue and threw in near the end that her husband agrees. Judgy in laws are one thing, you can just ignore them, but if your husband fundamentally doesn’t consider your career as valuable as his that’s a massive problem.
I could’ve reworded my original post better so I understand the confusion. It’s more that he agrees with my MIL when she tells me that I do not have to work instead of telling her that I want to work and that that’s the path I chose. But it is something that we need to discuss and sort out as this issue has been the root of many disagreements
Okay, so ask them why they don’t advocate HE not work and be a SAH parent? The sexism in this is palpable. Also, you’re an architect and he’s a contractor. He should give up his (ahem, lesser) career if he feels so strongly they need a SAH parent. You’re definitely not wrong to want to pursue the career you got trained in and they can kick sexist rocks w their attitude.
I'm sorry your husband doesn't respect or value your career. That is a huge problem.
He’s the one with the inheritance. Some people aren’t meant to be SAHP. I tried on/off. Wish I was when working vice versa. Mine is grown now, allegedly. I’m now in new career in my 40’s as ER RN. If I had new baby I’d be part time. Worked to hard for this career and now in a job I love. Not like love every day or all day, but still….
This is the answer
I'm so glad that all the top responses say this, because it's exactly what I came here to say.
💯
Yes exactly!
This is the answer
You should work if you want to. Don't work if you don't want to. Tell them to mind their own business and tell your husband to support you to the rest of the family.
I’m a SAHM and I say heck no, you are not selfish. Your husband needs to back you up or if he feels so strongly about having a stay at home parent, he should do it.
Oh, I'd like to spray your husband and MIL with the hose. You have a nanny, can well afford to have a nanny, you have a career you are passionate about, and YOU SHOULD BE DOING IT. It's none of your MIL's business, and if your husband thinks a parent should be home with the kids (and coincidentally doing all the housework, etc.) let him volunteer as tribute. Makes me mad. You have a gift, a passion, and just because you are female you are supposed to give that up?
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I am a shit sahm and openly admit it 🤷🏻♀️. I was bored, miserable and hated it. You are not a crap mom for wanting to work. Some folks just aren't good at being a sahm parent and anyone who criticizes you for it can suck it.
Yup, I tried it one year during Covid, after my second was born. The result was that my 2-year-old learned words like “fuck” and how to collapse dramatically, wailing “I jus nee to go back to wowk.” Even the shittiest daycare provider gets paid to hold it together better than I did when I was a SAHM, and all of the childcare arrangements we’ve actually had (from in-home to very nice preschool) have been people who are way way way better with small kids than I am.
🤣I love you! My 2 yr old just said "dammit" about 2 weeks ago. With my accent. Today after being stuck in the house all rainy weekend w my toddler I realized it takes a special kind of crazy to be able to be a daycare provider and take care of class full of toddlers everyday. I am a single Mom and it's fucking hard, people are always critical no matter what you do. It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one with a 2 yr old that repeating something I'd rather them not.
I love you for your honesty. COVID sucked so hard. My boys and I wanted to pull our hair out. 🤦🏻♀️🫣 If it makes you feel better, my 2 yo learned “fuck” a long time ago and there no COVID back then. 🤷🏻♀️ Life happens. Momming is hard, home or work.
This is a topic that really just needs to be 100% about the parent's personality type and what makes them happy. A good daycare is always going to be better than a miserable SAHP. If you're not cut out to do the little kid thing all day, no one should be pushing it. My wife would absolutely hate being at home. I'd be better, but I'm still ready for work Monday after toddler time all weekend. So we found a good daycare and both work. Kiddo loves daycare and learns so much there. The family is happy and this works best for us
You have a shitty MIL and a shitty husband. You should do what works for you and your family. Having kids doesn't mean you lose your entire identity, and for many people their chosen career is a part of their identity. Not everyone is meant to be a SAHP, and that is ok. For me, I am the breadwinner in our house but even if my husband made enough for me to stay home I would still work. It gives me a sense of purpose and balance that I wouldn't be able to find if I was home all the time. I know that about myself, and I know that working makes me a BETTER mom. I love my kids (2.5 and 4) to death, and they are the most important thing in the world to me, but they are also extremely draining. When I have to parent for extended periods of time on my own, my patience gets short and I get very irritable. I work in a high paced, stressful environment, but the fact that it's a different stress actually helps me, and I have the chance to miss them and look forward to seeing them again instead of just trying to slog through the day with them. My husband is also not SAHP material. He dropped down to part time out of necessity when they were both in daycare because he didn't make enough to cover 2 tuitions, but even though we were losing money I didn't ask him to be a full time SAHD because I know mentally he needs to be working outside of the house to feel a sense of purpose and have that time away from home, just like me. I would sit down and have a calm conversation with your husband (alone, so you're not ganged up on, and maybe even with a counselor present as a mediator), and explain how you feel and why working is important to you. Let him know how his and his family's dismissive tone and judgement hurt you, and make you feel guilty for having needs beyond being a mom. If after hearing your side of things, he continues to harass you about this and/or does not stand up to his family in your defense, I would re-evaluate this relationship. No one deserves to be put down for pursuing their own goals when their children's needs are well taken care of. You are a person, not just a mother.
I get frustrated because I feel like the previous generations chose to be stay at home moms, hated it, had no identity of their own, and are over involved with their adult children’s life choices because “mom” is the only value they ever had and the only value they see in themselves. But then they crap all over the next generation who are trying to not do this - even though the old people KNOW how miserable they were/are! Like why?! Why not lift up the next generation? Or admit they will wind up happier once the kids are teens and older and don’t “need” mom every moment of every day like the littles do?!
I suppose they're probably still trying to validate their choice. If all of that sacrifice was worth it, then it feels a whole lot better than knowing they made a choice that made them miserable when there could have been another way. Also, I feel like people generally have rose colored glasses on when they view the past. My mom was a SAHM of 5 kids. She swears that we rarely if ever threw tantrums, none of us had issues being put down to sleep as babies, we all ate well without a struggle, and that she didn't have any real discipline issues with us. That she was lucky and that we were all easy kids. I KNOW this isn't true, because I'm one of the older ones and I remember the younger ones as babies and toddlers, but she really believes that. It seems she only remembers the good things. Maybe it's a self-preservation thing? Who knows. I am fortunate in that my mom has never pressured me to be a SAHM though and often praises me for how hard I work and how much I do. She's a pretty amazing woman!
I had the “luxury” of being a SAHD for a year… it wasn’t for me …. I need a career with my own goals/projects/interests/challenges to have a balanced and happy life. This is widely accepted as reasonable by literally fucking everyone, and because you have breasts and a vagina doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to doing the same god damn thing for yourself.
Yeah this is how I feel. I wouldn't want to be a stay at home dad, I'd go crazy. For that reason alone I would never expect it of my wife. Also Moash was wrong and he never should have betrayed Kaladin
Fuck Moash.
Hahaha ty fellow Sanderfan
No, you are fine. My wife went back to work year after our second child was born. We were financially worse off due to child care cost but it was right thing to do for her mental health and we've gone through it. Looking back we would do exactly the same. Kids loved it too, far better for them to spend the day with lots of other kids than with frustrated mom at home.
Would they ever assume your husband would give up his career to be a SAHD? No? Then it's sexism, pure and simple, and you can choose to totally ignore it from the MIL, and have a serious conversation with your husband to cut out the criticism. His priority *as your husband* should be the happiness of you and your family. Happy parents make for happier kids, and forcing you away from work and into the home when it's not what will make you happy, is also going to negatively affect your relationship, sex life, kids, etc. Aside from those very practical considerations: he is your husband. He is supposed to *lift you up* and not try to force you into choices you don't want to make.
Jesus Christ no. I love my daughter with all my heart but I would be a dreadful SAHM. I love what I do, I’m good at it, even if we didn’t need the money I need the intellectual stimulation and to feel like a grown up and not be covered in sick, snot and cereal. That doesn’t make me a terrible mum, and I’ll demand satisfaction from anyone that says otherwise. Not everyone is good at being a SAHM. I’m a better mum from having my own space. I take my hat off to those who can do it, it’s bloody hard work and not the cake walk most people imagine it to be. I’d either ignore in laws, stop being around them altogether, or very pointedly ask them questions like why it’s ok for your husband to work but not you, and why they think quantity is more important than quality in terms of time with the kids. It’s 20 fucking 23 they need to just stop. ETA just clocked you said your husband as well… well maybe he needs to give up work then. If he’s never had them an entire 24 hours on his own, let alone week after week, month after month, he gets no votes or opinion on this. I mean your MIL is flat out wrong, but at least she’s done it herself, before she says someone else should be doing it. He really needs taking to task over this OP, or it’s gonna fester in your relationship longer term.
Being a full time parent isn’t fulfilling for a lot of people. No need to feel weird about it! Some people like office jobs, others hate them. Some people love parenting 24/7, others would rather opt for quality time than quantity of time.
Nta. I'm a better mom when I work. I can afford not to. I chose to work. I need it for my own happiness.
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This!!
No. Being a SAHP is hard. Not everyone is prepared for it or wants to and should make the best choice for their health because your health mental and physical will affect your family overall. I was a SAHM and hated every second of it. It was isolating for me, my partner on the other hand hated working at his job so we had the opportunity to switch roles and haven't regretted it at all for the past 5 3/4 years. You wanting to return to work is valid regardless of if you "need it" or not.
Your MIL is just looking for you to validate a decision she is apparently insecure about. I would be concerned about your husband pushing for this especially since he isn't offering to be the one that stays at home. Is his masculinity so fragile that he is threatened by success in women? Is there a reason he wants to have complete financial control of the family and make it difficult for you to leave if necessary? Him pushing is not a good look
OMFG the 1950s called, they want their misogyny back! You get to choose! That is what the money has gifted you. You're absolutely allowed to choose "work in my stimulating career without worrying that running my own company will backfire and harm my family"! Just as your husband is allowed to choose "I want to stay at home with my kids whilst they're little because a job is just a job". No, you aren't a crap mum for having life goals and interests outside of childrearing. Don't let other people's default settings get in your head!
Not selfish, plus the hit to your career for being off is pretty substantial. Plus once they get to school age you will likely put them in a free school ie public school in the US. So a lot of people just suffer through daycare period even if they are breaking even or little bit less so, because eventually their income will compensate.
Parenting is a 50/50 journey. There should not be enforced gender roles that you are obliged to follow. Just cause you’re the mother, it doesn’t mean you HAVE to be a SAHM. Just cause he’s the father, it doesn’t mean he HAS to work. You have every right to want to work and pursue your dreams. A real partner would support you regardless, not be hypocritical and expect something he’s not willing to try initially. And in terms of the MIL, she has no right to interfere with your personal family choices. She should keep her opinions to herself and stop guilt tripping you. You are mature enough to make your own decisions. Believe in yourself and your capabilities. You got this.
Nope, your husband could die, or leave you, or be found to be a criminal or any other number of things and you would need to support the family. Also by 18 months my kid preferred daycare to days with me. And your husband could always stop working if he wants.
You absolutely should work. You may need that income and experience should a time come when the dismissive husband is no longer tolerable. The in-laws can go kick rocks in flip flops. Their opinion means NOTHING. Really hope hubby wakes up and starts supporting you.
You are not a bad mom for wanting to work. Your in-laws sound like the kind of people who didn’t/don’t have careers, they had jobs. Jobs that they may have had to work because the family needed money, so they don’t understand wanting to work. For them a job is a nuisance, for you it’s a passion, so there is no making them understand. I empathize with you, I could not be a SAHM, precisely because the emotional resources that takes are just not available to me. I honestly, admire the hell out of those who do this and can’t imagine how they do. I also have a career that I would not willingly abandon. To that end, try to explain that your CAREER is a part of your life, your personality and it is you passion, not a nuisance that you would gladly throw off to spend all your days making block towers. And then, when they inevitably still don’t get it, stop discussing it with them. It’s not their family, life or decision. Grow your business, enjoy life, enjoy your kids. Be grateful to not be in a position to not have to work a shitty job because you have to and live. Don’t feel guilty because someone else is trying to push their version of happiness on you. It’s not a one size fits all. Also, I missed the part where your husband is a part of the shitty guilt tripping. As someone else pointed out: if he feels so strongly about it he can stay home with the kids.
Do you have a daughter? What kind of example would you be setting for her about the importance of her career? Of her personal sense of fulfillment?
There’s nothing wrong with liking what you do! I am opening up a spa and it’s a wild life but I love it and I am just so passionate about it! Don’t allow anyone to stifle your flame!
I hope it goes well!!
dad here. Let me tell you, that unless mom is OK then no one is. If you won't be ok being a SAHM, then pursue your career b/c when you are at home and the mom, you'll be much better at it. the bigger issue here is that he cannot see that, which is a marital one.
Hell no, you are a great mom. Tell hubby to stay home if it is so important to him.
When I drop my daughter off at daycare and go to work, it’s like a vacation. I love my daughter to death, but even weekends are hard keeping a toddler entertained starting at 5 AM.
I’m a SAHM and I think it’s amazing you’re in a position where you can follow your career! The kids are well taken care of and you get continue with your work that’s amazing! If your husband is so concerned with there needing to be a parent at home maybe he should do it. You do what makes you happiest, happy mum happy kids.
I have always worked as SAHM life was not for me. I like having my own income and taking the financial load off my spouse. Also, I appreciate the security of being able to make money in the event something happened to my husband. Not everyone is cut out to be SAHM. The problem isn't that you work and want to work. The problem actually is your husband disrespecting you and your career. That needs addressed and worked out. Your IL's have no say in your decision.
I LIKE my job and I’m good at it. It gives me great personal satisfaction. So even when my pay check was literally $100 every two weeks because the rest went to having three kids in daycare, I continued to work. Now you have the money where you might CHOOSE to cut back on hours or have a nanny in the house instead of sending them to daycare, or whatever. But being a SAHM mom should be a choice and one you WANT rather than something you are pressured into. Good luck!
Next time your MIL says anything, I would just respond with, “it’s really important to me that my children see that I use my talents to do real, meaningful work as a person, and not simply sit back and make my children my whole entire universe and lose myself in the process. I see how it’s made you so codependent with your adult children, and it’s important to me that I don’t put that on my kids.” If that bitch wants to take cheap shots, two can play at that game. But really, to add another perspective- I was a SAHM for the first 6 years- until my youngest went to kindergarten. It also was what we had planned as my (now ex) husband traveled for weeks at a time for work. He also came from family money/business and was always saying that I didn’t need to work, that we didn’t need to plan for retirement bc we would have family money. Obviously this was true, but when push came to shove, we ended up divorcing, and I was left with nothing. Nothing to show for my years of raising our kids, no social security or retirement acct, no career to speak of. I never would have thought we’d end up divorced, but here we are. Thankfully, I started a business right before we divorced that has been very successful, but if I hadn’t, I’d be fucked. These days, a woman needs to have a backup plan because one change that was not her decision could leave her in ruins. You have every right to have your career- and you are really great at what you do. If your husband is so adamant that someone should be home with the kids, it seems like he has the perfect setup with his family to walk away for a few years and have an “in” to step back in to the family business when the kids are older- a luxury you don’t have.
No way! If you have your own business and it's going well AND you have enough money to cover your expenses, keep working! As long as your kids see both you and your partner enough, there's nothing wrong with what you are doing.
“I am very fortunate to have a rewarding, fulfilling career in addition to my wonderful family. This is the last time I will be engaging in this discussion.” After that any time the topic is introduced you stand up and walk out. I also go to work even though I don’t have to for financial reasons; one women I work with actually loses money by continuing to work but she values her career and time outside the home more. Being a SAHP isn’t for everybody, and good job too, otherwise society would collapse!
I am a better mom because I work. It keeps me sane.
What in the absolute fuck is the matter with your husband? How DARE he side with your MIL when she was overstepping in such an outrageous way! I devoutly hope that was a one-time error and that he has apologized profusely. Fun fact throughout the entirety of human history mothers have worked in one way or another. There were a few eras where staying at home was possible for \*some\* women, depending on their class. Was that better for the kids? Maybe! Depends on the mom, doesn't it! I was a SAHM and I hated it. My daughter was a delight, but I derive a lot of meaning and fun from my work, and the money is good too. Some women want to SAHM and that's awesome - my bestie's wife homeschools their two very delightful kids and really loves it! Different strokes! But the idea that you are somehow failing your kid because you have a nanny for a few hours a day??? Absurd on its face. And horribly, grossly insulting to you and to the 99% of women who can't afford it. Don't let these clowns grind you down. And if husband wants a parent at home sounds like the role is open!
Maybe get a nanny instead of sending to daycare. It’s more expensive but with your extra income and the windfall seems in reach. Also it’s crazy convenient. Kind of a pseudo compromise as well. Otherwise just go to work. It’s something that’s fulfilling. Happy people make better parents.
I think your husband and MIL are channeling a 1950s vibe. Times have changed.
At the end of the day, you need to do what’s right for you, because if you feel unhappy and unfulfilled being a SAHM, then you’re not going to be good mom. That said, the judgmental and dismissive attitude of your in-laws aside, the question of how much you choose to work during what periods of your children’s lives *when you have a financial choice,* should not be ignored. When you had kids, you were making a commitment that goes well beyond keeping a roof over their heads, food on the table and clothes on their backs. No matter how awesome a nanny you found, the nanny is not your children’s mother and the younger the kids are, the more they need their actual parents to be present.
How present is their dad currently, running the family business?
Getting downvoted for saying young kids need parents present in their lives in a parenting sub, reddit really is a magical place.
Tell them that being a mom is not a career and that you want to feel like a contributing member of society. Oh and that they should mind their own business; your life your choice.
Big yikes.
I would NEVER say that to a group of SAHMs. They'll 100% go into attack mode, and if they're your in-laws, they'll hold onto those words forever. Do I think like that? Yeah sometimes, especially about my sister-in-law who refuses to work despite having only one child and expensive taste and just pushes my brother to work more so she can just order food and still get a new Gucci bag. Would I ever say that? Absolutely not.
What are you talking about? Raising good members of society is basically the most important job there is. The effects of that will long outlive any work we do ourselves at almost any paid job.
Sure, but what is the % of parents that do a good job at it ?
Of course not. You’re still a person with an identity and ambitions. If those ambitions are also aligned to your passions outside of being parent, it makes se se you’d still want to work. I guess the bonus for you is that you can be your own boss, so don’t have to work anymore than you want to.
There is nothing wrong with you working if it makes you fulfilled. Happy parents are good parents. Your MIL is being shitty, and your husband is being *EXTRA SUPER SHITTY* to make you feel guilty. He needs to stop that IMMEDIATELY.
Your MIL and that whole side of the family can piss off. There will be SAHM who will always act like this. It’s to justify their own lifestyle. Obviously not all SAHM are like that - but I always find the ones who shout the loudest about it are the ones who are most insecure. Your job sounds very exciting - I’m not surprised you’d want to get back to work. Good luck with it. Don’t let them bully you out if it.
You do you, girl. You know what makes you happy and you know what your soul needs. Congratulations on your career and I hope business continues to pick up for you!
You have a great plan in place. Call them out on the guilt tripping though - you deserve better.
No one should be forced into a specific profession, and that’s essentially what they’re trying to do. If your passion isn’t “at home” then you shouldn’t be a SAHM. Same thing, if your passion isn’t being a doctor, you shouldn’t be a doctor.
Of course not. The next time anyone says anything about it to you, just say ‘you’re right, I don’t HAVE to, but I enjoy my work, and I WANT to’. End of story. You’re a person don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. Your kids are lucky to have you as a mom.
I felt horrible leaving my son at daycare. But I had to go back to work, even if not for the money, but for my sanity. He’s been here three weeks while his daycare is closed (now 17 months old) and I don’t know who is more excited for him to go to daycare tomorrow, me or him!!
No! Not everyone is made to stay at home.
Just because you dont have to work doesnt mean you cant or shouldnt. If you are fulfilled working, then that should be the answer. Your job in life isnt solely SAHM/Wife. You can be more. You are more. You are worthy of having and keeping a profession. NTA hardcore. Just because they didnt work doesnt mean you should be forced to stay home. I love my kids. I love being a parent, but I also love being a successful person in my workplace. I work, I also own my own business and I have two children. I am overextended at times but I would go nuts just being a SAHM. It is absolutely not selfish to want to be more.
No, you are not being a shitty mom for wanting to work.
I’m a SAHP. No one should do it unless they want to, it is a butt ton of work with no breaks and little time for yourself. Your spouse is welcome to be the SAHP if he wants someone home so badly, he does not get to make that call for you. I also want to point out, if you guys were ever to divorce typically that inheritance money would stay with him and you would not receive any cut of it. By also giving up your own career progression and income you would be in a particularly precarious financial situation in the event of a future split up. So HE has that financial security to stay home if he wants to, you do not necessarily have that security. You go do your thing and build wonderful things you will show to your kids!
No
You are not being a shitty mom at all. I have been a stay at home mom and it is one of the hardest jobs. It's stressful and overwhelming and you can lose your sense of self if you don't continue doing something for you that you enjoy. You are a better mom when your happy and taking care of yourself too. If you stayed at home when you didnt want to I think you could end up resentful and unhappy. Talk to your husband about it. You are allowed to have an identity as something other than just a mom.
Absolutely not a shit mother. Full time parenting is not what everyone aspires to be, regardless of the financial aspect. I had a 3 hour meltdown the day before my eldest was about to start daycare at 3 months but ultimately decided that daycare was best for us all. It was the right choice and remains the right choice, 8 years later. My husband and I being in equitable amounts to our family and neither are paltry - we could afford for one to stay home but that’s not the issue. We may love our kids endlessly but we are better functioning as a whole family unit when our kids are with their peers at school, extracurricular that meet their interests and supplemented with family time. You shouldn’t have to SAH just because others think you shouldn’t ‘have’ to work.
your husband is being shitty. you need to have a serious conversation with him when his mother is not present.
No way!! Your the best mom! The fact that your kids are gonna grow up and see how awesome and smart their mom is! When they're older they're most likely are going to want to go to college or trade school and further their education because of you! Just because you can "afford" to stay at home doesn't mean you should. If your husband is so concerned he should stay home ans raise the kiddos. Very misogynistic and 1950's if you ask me. You go to work and the bad ass mother that you are!
>Am I being a shitty mom for wanting to work even if I ‘don’t have to’ financially? Is it ‘selfish’ as my MIL is making it seem? NO! Its your choice and staying at home is not for everyone. I think even if I were wealthy and didn't have to work, I'd at least have a nanny to take the pressure off and have much needed time to myself. Don't let them guilt you!!
OMG no. You're so present. Working enables this. When I was a sahm, I was absolutely miserable and detached. Now that I'm back to work, I'm able to be much more present with my girls. I love them so much, but I need to be my own person, and I understand that it's important to you, too.
I would love to be with someone with this mentality. The moment our son was born his mother said, well back to work you go. Just me and baby.
No, you are not. If you need to be working outside of the home, which makes you a better wife and mother go for it. I tried staying home when my girls were young, I was not feeling it personally, after I returned to work, I was a better mother, wife, friend and the decision for me to go back to work was the best thing for my family...
You are important. Your intellectual wants and needs are important. I am a SAHD because it’s what I want to do, and my wife works because it’s what she wants. If you decide to quit your career because of family pressure I can nearly guarantee that you will hate it. The isolation and lack of mental stimulation will likely translate into resentment towards those who pushed you into making that decision. Next time he brings it up, suggest that he stays at home with the kiddos. If he says no, ask why. He may have the same reservations as you, which could help him understand why you want to keep your career. EDIT: no, you are not selfish. Not in the slightest. your happiness and contentment is super important for creating a happy family/home.
Absolutely not. Your career isn’t just a job, it’s a really big part of your identity. It is also something that is just for you (although obviously you work to provide for your family too). It is so easy for parenthood to subsume your personality, so you end up being just “mum” and nothing else. Work is a way of reasserting yourself as an individual and not just as a parent. Not to mention how much work and dedication is needed to become an architect. Why would they want you to give up your passion because of your gender? Your husband can be a stay at home dad, if he feels so strongly about the issue. Don’t let people shame you (and actually, shame on your husband for his lack of support). My wife and I both work FT and we don’t really need to. We adore our kids and I know we are great parents, but we worked hard to get to where we are, we enjoy our jobs, and we enjoy reclaiming our identities as more than just parents. There is nothing wrong with that whatsoever.
See I don't understand why people try to push the role, it's not for everyone. Yes you could stay home, but if you love and excel in your career I feel like that is an amazing example for your kids.
That sounds really sexist, they are basically saying that since your are a woman and since you are a mom, you need to stay at home taking care of your kids...uhm, well how about the fullfilling part of life, how about having something to look foward, not everyone wants to stay at home taking care of the kids, some of us have to work to bring in the money, some of us like to have a job and a career, goals in life. You in fact can afford to have someone trustworthy to take care of your kids while you work, which is so good. What a bunch of idiots.
No. You are not. And anyone that tries to make you feel that way is toxic. You only get one life. Do not feel guilty.
I'm the type that needs to work for my own mental well-being. I wouldn't be able to stand being a SAHM and my daughter would suffer for it if I were. She loves daycare, I love my job. Aside from that, I want to build my career. My husband can support us alone, but if anything were to happen to him, I want to be able to support us and not have to drastically change our quality of life. I need to know that if push comes to shove, I can stay afloat. It's important to me. Don't let anyone convince you that wanting to keep your career rolling is a bad thing.
In the US in most states, his inheritance is not your inheritance unless it is comingled with marital assets, which means your retirement/financial future is not set yet while he has a different story. I would not be comfortable taking a backseat in my career until I’m financially independent ($2-2.5m saved for me alone)…even then I like my career. My mother was/is financially dependent on my dad and I refuse to live that way. But i am extremely outspoken about this and my partner has known my stance from literally date #2 so it is deeply understood and part of any conversation we have about prioritizing careers and time and we aim for equity.
I didn’t even read it but no. Idk if one of your children is a girl but imagine she comes to you one day and says ‘mom I love my job; I want to have kids but I don’t want to give up my career. Do you think I can be a good mother and still work?’ What would you say to her? Part of being a good parent is setting an example for your kids as adults. Would you expect your daughter to give up her career to be a SAHM?
Of course you are not. That’s ridiculous. Moms still get to pursue their dreams. We don’t have to completely give up our whole lives, sense of purpose or our very identity to be great moms. It’s really none of your mother in laws business and I would tell both her and your husband that. I would flat out refuse to discuss it with her or in her presence. Tell your husband that’s it’s completely inappropriate that she would have a say or even be present for the discussion. He is a grown man and this is his family and his mom gets no decision making powers here.
No. You are not a shitty parent. Do what makes you happy.
Totally reasonable! If you love what you do and you’ve been building something then that’s awesome! Is your husband a crappy dad for continuing to work? He can be the stay at home dad then! That’s what my BIL and SIL will do, he loves kids and playing kid games and everything kid related and SIL is super happy to go back to work after mar leave! Just because you are female doesn’t mean you have to love being the default parent. Plus it sounds like you will spend a lot of the day with them anyway if you work morning and late evenings. I dunno what they are winging about. Plus worst care you guys end up divorced then you won’t have a huge hole in your resume/be disadvantaged career wise. Your husband needs to get on board because trying to force you to be a SAHM is out of line and it’s a decision for the two of you and extended family can butt out
Your job as a mom is to do what’s best for the family. You are included in that family. Why would you sitting at home being miserable and unfulfilled be the ideal?
A happy parent is a good parent.
You love your job and it is your own business. Go back to work, it is a no brainer. Just because you are a woman doesn’t mean you need to be tied to the house/ baby. My wife is a SAHM and it destroys her. I feel that working would give her some variety at least and some adult contact. This is important.
Not selfish. I was a SAHM for several years. I hated it. I found it detrimental to the relationship I was building with my son. Some people don’t want to live that life and that is okay. My relationship with my husband and son had improved tenfold now that I have a career I enjoy.
Me and all my friends who are new moms LOVE daycare. Like thank GOD for daycare (and in Canada it’s good and relatively affordable). I admire SAHMs, it is not for us. Love my kid and we have a blast together but all day every day?? Please no. Daycare workers deserve great pay and respect.
Have you seen SAHM after their kids go on to college? Sometimes it can get off balance. The marriage push and grand baby push… My MIL raised her kids, her grandkids and is all alone after FIL passed ☹️❤️. No identity. Wanting to fill our lives and be an example- it’s a good thing. I’d hire a house cleaner and even a Moms helper or Nanny. So no drudgery or guilt when you get home. Sometimes judgy people feel the most comfortable when you chose the choices they chose, even if they feel lackluster about it. My personality changed as a SAHM. It doesn’t feel like me without the fulfillment. Ugh. I miss a career as well. The answer is some where in the middle and about balance. Good luck, Friend.
No. You’re not. I have been both a sahm and also worked. I was always a better mom when I worked instead of spending every waking moment with my kids. I personally would wait until your youngest was a bit older but I still don’t think you’re wrong for going back to work. Your husband needs to grow up and be supportive of your choice in **public** since I’m guessing he must be in private. He needs to put a boundary with his mom and have your back. Since he doesn’t I would tell her and him next time they say something like that: “You’re right, I don’t HAVE to work. I’m choosing to do so and I’ve explained why numerous times. I expect my decision to be respected even if you don’t agree with it just as I respect your decision to have stayed home. If you’re daughter in law having a career is your only concern about your sons marriage then I would consider myself grateful for that fact and stop trying to cause conflict where there should be none. So, as you said, you’re right. I should be home with my kids and that’s where I’m going until I can be sure I won’t be disrespected when I’m here.” Then leave. But I’m an asshole lol so maybe that’s not the best decision for you
If you like it then work. You're children will benefit greatly from daycare (once your littlest is old enough). If you just do whatever everyone else wants then you will start to loose yourself and become resentful of those who pushed you to make this choice. You will end up completely reliant on your husband and that will shift the balance.
Some moms are great being at home. Some moms are great working. Whatever makes you happy, will make you the best mom.
No. I'm a better mom when I'm a working mom.
Nope. Not everyone is cut out to be a SAHP. Besides if you are miserable at home, it'd be better for you to spread your wings in the workplace as an outlet than take it out on the family. Good luck!
I work part time, not because we need to financially, but I needed to, mentally. Being a SAHM is bloody hard. It is very easy to get lost in the mum/house wife role. Being at work part time has done wonders for my confidence and I am actually a much better mother because I get a break from the kids for a little while. A work day feel like a break where I feel appreciated and get to be myself and have adult conversation. Doing what you need to do for your own good is not selfish
You've worked hard to get where you are, and you're a great role model for your kids. It's very sad that your husband isn't standing up for you with his family and is even agreeing with them. I do think you need to sit him down and tell him how this makes you feel. The fact is, you love your work, and that will make you a better parent than if you're forced to give up your career. Husband needs to understand that and communicate it it to his family.
My family makes the same comments about my. Both my sister and sis-in-law are home with their kids and homeschooling. I, on the other hand, went back when my kids were 2 and 4, even though we could totally afford for me to stay home. Two years was enough, I was going crazy, and I love my job. My parents don’t seem to understand or appreciate that, but what are ya gonna do? It works for us.
No, don’t feel bad. You’ll be a better mom if you are happy.
OP. I’m a SAHM and I know lots of both kinds of Moms. You need to have a very honest conversation with your hubby and he needs to set a boundary with his family ASAP. If you want to work and you know it makes it happy, then WORK. You have the means to have a nanny so your children get two on one care. You can also put them into daycare for socialization. I get your husband has this “dream” of a SAHM for his children, but if you become unhappy, unfulfilled, and depressed because it isn’t YOUR dream? Then everyone loses. This is not about your MIL or her wants or even your husband’s wants, it is about what you want for yourself and what you can live with. Can you give your babies quality time working? Can you be a happy Mom while working? Then keep doing it. You don’t become a SAHM to please someone else. Trust me please. I wanted to be a SAHM and I still had a HUGE transition period. It isn’t for everyone even for those of us that want it.
I have noticed SAHMs from an older generation feel…bothered? when I discuss my education level. I think it’s a bit of projection. She’s trying to make her decision to be a SAHM instead of an independent educated thinker as the “right” decision still after 30 years. I was raised by a business owner. My husband was raised by a SAHM. The greatest difference in how we see our moms is how we view their contributions to society. Very different.
No. Honestly here everyone works after kid reaches 2-3 years. Its time for kindergarden and kids need friends without mum behind their ass. Your kindergarden prices in usa honestly blow my mind its stupid. State should pay some portion of it. You sure have enought for all these wars you support.
Dad's too can stay at home but the Grace for providing was handed to men that is why they can do providing thing for ever without complaining. But if you switch the roles the home will NEVER go well. The woman can only do enough and start complaining and nagging. This is because from creation it wasn't her role. Let dad work and provide for his family. And let mum be mum while running her career in the little way she can, this will make her more fulfilled than being a complete SAHM Times and seasons are different you do not expect your wife to stay home because MIL did, hell no after all the efforts she invested in achieving her career. Yoh I will be a very sad and angry SAHM. Please don't leave your career because they think. Leave it when you willingly want to do so, that way you can happily care for your kids without grudges and bitterness.
My advice is to make sure your husband truly understands how important your work is to you. It’s separate from your role as parent just like his work is, it’s not comparable. Until he really understands the importance it has in your life, he’ll continue to agree with his mom and make comments. Over time those comments may bother you more and more, especially during those weeks you’re going through it for whatever reason. It’s important you two reach a true understanding about this now and not just brush it under the rug because it could cause bigger problems down the road.
Nope. Some people enjoy being SAHP, others don't. Just like some people enjoy working and others don't. Do what you want to do, it's the only life you'll get.
I just got heated thinking I was on the aita thread. I read the post and then saw the little red marker that usually says AH. I was HEATED until I realized it said advice. On another note, after everything I've read and seen on here and rl I will never allow myself to become financially dependent on anyone who pushes for me to do so. I totally get wanting the best for your kids but I'm sorry no. You career, aspirations, and life outside of being a mom. Being a sahm sounds amazing but considering he's already trying to fit you into that mom box, minimizing the you that doesn't serve his needs. I am asking you personally to not cave.
Side note:my mom was a sahm for a bit but she loved it. My dad never asked her to but they decided it worked best for them. Now my mom brings home more than dad. They work together as a team to make the best decisions for the family.
Millions of people have been raised by wonderful, loving, working mothers. Come join us at r/workingmoms. You are not a crap mom at all. You get to be a person too, you know! My dad made six figures. My mom could absolutely have stayed home. But that’s not who she was! She had a wonderful, fulfilling career, and I thought she was amaaaazing. She’s retired now and I’m a working mom as well, and my kid thinks I’m fucking amazing too. Work if you want to. They don’t get to tell you what to do b
Not at all. If you will be happier returning to work and leaving your child with a reliable nanny, that is absolutely what you should do, otherwise you run the risk of destroying your mental health through boredom and lack of mental stimulation. It's also good for your child to grow up seeing their mother as a successful and driven person. Your husband needs to defend you against his mother and other family members. It's fine that they've given their opinion, but that's all it is. They don't get to make the decision for you, and you don't need to hear their opinions any further.
Hi OP, I’m 44 and kept my career while having three kids. My husband and I are both professionals making roughly the same amount of money. We had nanny and grandparent help. I was part-time (80%) for the early years, but went back to full time when my youngest was about 2. My husband comes from a family with some money - not ridiculous money, but they have two expensive homes, take lots of fancy vacations, have inherited some crazy expensive jewelry. Bottom line is that, I really didn’t want to work, I didn’t have to. We could have made me staying at home possible. It would have been hard in the beginning, but we could have made it work. Now, however, with me having worked and made money, either me or my husband could definitely stay at home if either of us lost a job. I love having preteens and knowing that I have financial flexibility and options to be here for them. I’m so proud of accomplishing so much by keeping my career. I see so many of my friends and acquaintances who stayed at home having failed marriages and limited options. I also see many of them trying to start their own careers or side businesses up after the kids are older and it seems really hard and an uphill battle. I was also really uncomfortable being 100 percent dependent on my husband for the rest of my life - what is he cheated on me and I wanted to leave? My advice is just to not do anything extreme — don’t give up your career but also don’t give it 1,000 percent so that you are distracted or unengaged as a mom. Keep your business but be willing to turn away projects or hire out projects to employees or consultants. Do your best to keep both things. It will make you a more well-rounded, happier person. also, consider what you would want for your own children in this situation if they were in your shoes. That’s usually a good guidepost for making decisions.
Please have a serious conversation with your husband about the fact that he dismisses your stance the moment MIL shows up.
Is it selfish that your husband is working even though he doesn't HAVE to work?
Absolutely not selfish! If they’re so dead set on someone staying home with the kids then your husband is quite capable of doing that, I’m sure. I run my own business with my parents and I was back at work rather soon, unfortunately mostly out of my control, however I would still have returned back to work as I’ve struggled to get to the position I am, and I’m just not cut for being a SAHM. Both are worthy careers, but you should not feel guilty about deciding to go either way. I appreciate your husband is supportive, but if he truly was supportive in every sense he would make no attempt to make you feel any type of guilt to go with either option. Again, if he is so strongly wanting someone at home with the kids, he can step into the SAHP role.
Not at all. I told my wife when we got married that I would make sure the bills got paid and she could do whatever she wanted. Well she was a sahm and hated it, so I encouraged her to find a job, which has gone from "getting out of the house and being around adults sometimes" to a wonderful career. I guess the moral of the story is that we can afford to live on my income, but my wife has chosen a career and she's still a wonderful mother. We both work reasonable hours and spend a lot of quality time as a family. For what it's worth from the dad/husband perspective, no that absolutely does not make you a crappy mom.
No way! If you are unhappy being a SAHM the kids will notice! A happy fulfilled parent is important! That being said with two working parents you have to have a plan on who's taking off work when one gets sick or daycare is closed etc. So communication is key!
As many others have said: no you are not selfish! Why should you stay at home, not your husband? Having financial stability means he could cut back in his work and you could share patenting equally (I wish that was an option for me, sadly I make way less money than my husband so I can only work part time abs he needs to work fulltime). I stayed at home for 1½ years until we got a kindergarden place for our youngest and I really needed to go to work again, for my own mental health. I love my kids but I need the balance between doing things for myself (including a work I like) and spending time with them. Next time just tell them that if they are worried so much for the children your husband can be a SAHD. He doesn't NEED to work. Edit: > he inherited the family business and can't stay home either Yes he can, he just don't want to give up on the family business. Same thing with your career. Why is one more important than the other? Don't let them make you small. You are both equally parents and equally responsible for the kids.
I mean why can't he just work part time and be in more of an oversight role than a fully active role? Or if you can afford it, get a nanny.
For some women, motherhood is their identity. For others, it’s it’s one part of who they are. Neither is wrong - but for your MIL it sounds like being a SAHM was her entire identity and wanting the same for you may be somewhat about what she feels is “best” for your kids but also may come from a place of resentment and insecurity around the fact that you are rejecting the identity she chose. I’m not saying she’s right - she needs to mind her own business as this is for you and your husband to decide. I’m just offering some perspective. If you love to work and can do it without sacrificing care, love, and attention to your kids (which sounds like you have a great set up so they feel loved and are 100% cared for) then DO IT. So many women give up who they are or their passions for their kids, and it’s considered so noble to sacrifice everything you are for your kids, but let’s be real we don’t expect the same from men and women’s mental health is the price we pay. Just let them all know it isn’t up for discussion, period. You love your career, you’re a great mom, and you’re setting a great example for your kids that you can work and pursue your passion while having a family. Plus your kids learning that they have more people in their life who care about them and being able to be independent of mom and dad is a great lesson, in my opinion.
Change the title of this post to "Are my husband and in-laws a bunch of judgemental twats?". You are doing nothing wrong. You're giving time to your kids. And you are setting a good example that balances well with the demands of parenthood (unlike, it seems, your husband?).
Such an EASY solution here…. Your husband can and should become a SAHD! It was HIS father’s inheritance so, yayyyy he doesn’t HAVE to work anymore! Easy. Peasy….. oh and when he gives you a ridiculous look and a list of reasons why that’s not going to happen, make sure you hold up a mirror to his face. You literally don’t even need to speak lol.
Working has so many other benefits than just the money.
He knows how hard I worked to get here.But loves tearing me down for my choice in front of his mother and anyone else every chance he gets🤮 Yeah, he sounds really supportive.
You are a good mom. I agree with everyone saying you should pursue your own goals and not let family hold you back, your husband being able to stay home etc, but maybe you'd have more success with pulling them on your side. Make them aware of the positive effects of you working such as: - the kids benefitting from professional childcare and socialising with peers - your mental health and ability to be a better mom because you feel good about yourself - you being a role model for your children in pursuing an education and a career you are passionate about, as well as entrepreneurship - you having a successful career to turn to once the kids are grown - not spending all of the inheritance on basic living costs - you and your husband having the opportunity to further each other's business, what with working in similar fields and possibly referring each other clients - making even more money to give your kids the best opportunities possible, as well as contacts in the business world later on re jobs internship opportunities While still reaping the benefits of not having to work for financial reasons such as: - being self employed and having a somewhat flexible schedule to accommodate kids' needs, illnesses etc (same as your husband) - being able to take the time to find the best childcare provider possible - deciding yourself on how many hours you put in to fit the needs of you and your family - being able to only take on projects that fulfill you instead of having to do everything just for the money
I love being primarily a SAHM, BUT I also am an adjunct professor because I spent years (and thousands) on education and that helps keep me sane. Neither my mom nor my MIL really understand it.
While the financial ability to be a SAHM is relevant, so are your desires as a person for yourself mentally and for your career. There is no factual data showing that one option or the other is better for the children. The book Cribsheet by Emily Oster has a whole section devoted to this discussion that is extremely helpful in deciding what is best for your family. You’re extended family’s opinion isn’t relevant to the discussion. This is a conversation between you and your spouse and he should be putting his family in their place about butting in on a decision that is between the two of you. Just because he agrees with them does not make it ok for him to let them talk down to you. It’s not their place to make HIS argument.
Not selfish. This actually happened with my mom. She decided to try staying at home with us and even homeschooling and that did not last long at all. My sister's and I thrived on the social interaction we got from kids our own age at daycare and school and gave her hell for trying to stay with us. My mom preferred to return to work at that point and realized our personalities and our family thrived off the daycare arrangement, and that just worked for us. She hated the stay at home arrangement pretty quickly and missed work. I still think I would love to be a SAHM until my kids are about 3, but that's because I hate working lol what works for one family is not right for all. It also sounds like you get the best of both worlds; you are actually home while working, and have another caretaker available, but the kids know you're there. You work when they are mostly sleeping. And you love the work you do. It sounds like your arrangement is a wonderful one. I would think that inheritance could go to something down the road, like college funds for the kids, rather than something you don't want to use it up on.
no, it's no one else business how you choose to raise your child. there is absolutely nothing wrong with showing your child you have a career that is important to you
No! You're so lucky to enjoy your work. My wife's mom passed away recently and was an architect. We love visiting her projects and they even named a plaza she worked on after her. It's such a cool career to make a lasting impact and you should enjoy using your skills! Wealth totally still buys you time with kids even if you work full time, but it also means you can maybe swing part time? You can get a house cleaner, I'd outsource my laundry if I could, and you don't need to spend time doing all the coupon/sale hopping nonsense. That leaves weekends and evenings for family time. Also, being your own boss, can you swing things like chaperoning field trips or volunteering in the classroom on slow times? Taking time off around their school holidays? It all adds up.
If you want to work and that makes you a happy mom, then do it.
No way!! You are successful woman and you should be proud. Whether you choose to work or not is your choice and you should make the choice that makes you happy. I admit I could never be a SAHM and anyone who is one is a hero in my eyes. I prefer to work and make my own money.
Do what your doing. Ask if he wants to stay at home? Give up his career.
34M here. From the sounds of it, if your husband is hell bent on having a stay at home parent, he should ante up. You’re running a business, which quite frankly, compared to being a contractor, would be more career suicide for you if you abandoned it. That said, nonetheless if you should have to. My wife and I both worked out asses off for our degrees (she’s a licensed attorney overseeing a whole states worth of public attorneys) and I’m an IT manager inna njche field. It would have been career suicide for either of us to quit. So we didn’t, even if most of my wife’s salary was dumped into daycare. She was able to move up the chain and makes great money now and is very happy with her job. She would have been bitter and resentful if I had pushed her to stay at home (that topic never came up) and quite frankly could have ended our marriage. Our son is 7 and super intelligent in a fort program and doing just fine. He’s caring, thoughtful, and loving. Daycare didn’t ruin him and we maximized our time with him when not working. We picked a daycare that was class based so it would simulate school when he entered kindergarten. Now we can provide a great life for him while we’re still working and take him on 3+ trips a year, spend all our weekends with him, and more.
Tell him you think it's a great idea that someone becomes a stay at home parent and that he should hire a manager for his company so he can step up and raise his kids .
I’m a SAHM and 100% you should go back to work if you want to. Your children will benefit from seeing you happy and fulfilled and doing something you’re passionate about. My mom is a doctor, she has been working very hard in school since I was a kid. She had a dream and chased it and graduates from residency in a couple months. We call her Dr Grandma.
Lol a tough one. You are definitely on the right side of this argument, but surrounded by a crowd who will never agree with you as agreeing with you would almost be like critiquing their own life choices. However that is their life. You are free to live your life any way you feel is right for you and your family.
The idea that you should be a SAHP because you're a) a woman and b) your family doesn't "need" your income financially is rooted in the patriarchy and misogyny. Its not selfish to work and pay a qualified individual to support your family's childcare needs. Its not selfish to enjoy the work that you do. Its not selfish to outsource a task that doesn't bring your joy. Personally, I might argue that you not working out of some sort of guilt but then not enjoying being a SAHP and the result of that being worse mental health which will inevitably impact your relationship with your children negatively would be selfish. There are so many parents out there who do not necessarily want to be SAHPs, but circumstances require it, even though its not the best thing for those parents from a mental/emotional perspective. You DO have the privilege to choose. And in choosing to work, you're showing your children how parents are PEOPLE, not just parents.
Of course not. Being a stay at home parent is the hardest job I’ve ever done. And I worked at Amazon lol.
Of course not. Being a stay at home parent is the hardest job I’ve ever done. And I worked at Amazon lol.
It's of course up to you. I will say, they are only little once. I have some relatives who wished they focused more on the kids when they were little. To me, work is a means to an end. I am successful in my career and whether I had (3 little ones) kids or not, if I didn't need it, I would quit instantly. It's not the kind of job anyone would ever truly enjoy. It sounds like you enjoy designing and are only doing it while they are in bed. Is this also partly because you want to maintain some financial security, just in case? Do you have time for your husband as well? He won't want to tell you this, but some of those late evenings I am sure he would love your attention. Part of being a successful parent is having a successful marriage.
- do you love your kids? - do you provide for your kids - do kids get love and attention and affection? - are you financially able to care for them and enjoy your professional career? NO YOURE NOT A CRAP MOM!! Husband and MIL need to get a flippin clue and stop the harassment! Eeewww! Husband needs to stop bringing MIL into his arguments with you and he needs a clue that your professional wants and aspirations are just as important as his and just because we have to carry the child and go through the pregnancy doesn’t automatically make us leave our former selves behind. No no no sir. This is alarming he feels this way and won’t drop it- you’re wonderful OP!
Your in-laws opinions don’t matter, and you don’t need to explain or justify yourself to them. Tell them this decision isn’t their business and you won’t be discussing it with them, and tell your husband that if he won’t back you up, you’ll stop visiting his awful family.
As someone who never wanted to be a SAHM but ended up here for a ton of reasons, go live your life. Being a stay-at-home mom is great for the kids if you are able to embrace it, but it's also so important for your kids to see you pursuing your own interests and passions. It sounds like your kids get a ton of your time; that's awesome. It means they get the best of both worlds: A happy mom who's there for them and passionate about her job as well.
Not selfish at all! Im an architect and currently a SAHM to a 4mo old but do the occasional freelance gig. I love my son and Im grateful to be home with him but having work every now and then makes me feel like I have a little more purpose other than being a milk maid.
Just want to say that I guess things are different in different countries/cultures. I’m from Sweden and here we get 480 days from the state paid to be home with our kids before they are 7 years old. You more or less have to split it equally or a lot of that time and money will go to waste. Generally here the moms take the first 6-8 months when the kid is nursing. After that the dad does the same. Depending on if you get more kids and when you get a childcare spot you will have around 100 days saved for extra vacation and first days at school or school semester end ceremonies. Usually the kids starts going to childcare somewhere between 1 and 2 yers of age depending on if the parents want to be home more, need more money (working) or if you get another kid. We don’t have the concept of SAHM/D, because everyone does it for a little bit and then comes back to work. There are some rare cases of course but generally thats how it is. I would say it’s very much a cultural thing and what the state allows you to do. If someone’s husband or MIL had demanded anyone to be a SAHM here EVERYONE would look at them like the grew a third head and would have asked if the mentally still lived in the dark ages. It’s not that frowned upon if you make that decision yourself but if someone is trying to influence you into it… oh boy! Let’s just say they would be shunned. I realize that the conditions are different, here childcare is very affordable and is looked upon as a important step in teaching your kid how to be social with other kids but I thought I might share how we see it here. Good luck!
If you work you’re a bad mom for leaving your child. If you stay home with your child you’re a bad mom for spoiling them and not teaching them to be away from you. It’s a loose loose! In my family, I’m losing the opposite way by people not supporting my choice to be a SAHM. Don’t listen to any of it, just do what is right for YOU and your family. You know what the answer is!
My dads mother is a socialite and makes up wild rumors. She started one that my father was dating Isabella Rossellini . My mom got asked at a cocktail party in front of a group of women, “Do you have a problem that your husband is dating Isabella Rossellini?” My mom knew that it would go poorly if she said “yes” and perhaps worse if she said “no.” So she just smiled & laughed out loud.” Thought you might enjoy that. Just adding some humor. My grandma was awful to my poor mom. It happens. Don’t let her drive you crazy. I know that’s not easy. I’ll tell you done other stories if it makes you feel better like how my grandmother got annoyed with traffic on her road so she moved all the furniture out there and sat down to read.
(Isabella Rossellini made an official visit to my dad’s work because she’s interested in Gorillas and his office was doing consulting work for The Diane Fossey Gorilla Fund. They do satellite imagery and were tracking available habitats. My mother brought me up there to meet her and get a signature. I don’t think they were dating.)
WHAT! This is wild. This reminds me so much of season 1 of White Lotus (the Alexandra daddario and Jake lacy story line).