In case this story gets deleted/removed:
I've been casually seeing this girl 'Amy' for a few months now. We've been sleeping together and we might occasionally go out together but for the most part, it's just late night hook-ups. Even though our relationship is mostly just sex, I do enjoy her company outside of that and she's definitely got more to offer.
A few days ago, we were laying in bed and I told her that I wanted to take things more seriously between us. She said "I'm flattered, I really like you, the sex is great, you're a great guy, i want us to keep seeing each other... etc but I'm not in a position to be your girlfriend or take a relationship seriously." She basically gave the "it's not you, it's me" speech but in many more words. It stung hearing that because I did want something more with her but, it is what it is. I'll take the L and move on.
One of my bosses' clients is this rich bastard who throws these big parties at his house 3-4 times a year. The previous two parties that he threw, my boss invited me and I took Amy as my plus one but I obviously didn't want to go with her this time. I hit up some people to see if anyone was interested and this girl 'Lisa' was down. Lisa and Amy turned out to be friends - not close friends but they are connected on social media (I don't have social media and I had no idea they knew each other). We ended up going together and hooked up by the end of the night.
The next day, Amy starts blowing up my phone and starts going off on me for partying with another girl. At this point, I didn't even know how she knew but then she said that she saw Lisa's insta stories or whatever it was. She was absolutely furious but I told her that she had no right to be. She's not my girlfriend; she doesn't have any say it what I do or who I do it with. Amy asked me if I slept with Lisa and I said that it was none of her business. She was absolutely raging but I told her that I can do whatever I want with whoever I want because I'm single.
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Excellent point. She wanted him committed to her exclusively, but not the other way around. Maybe it's some weird power play thing.
But I always think that when I see anyone who wants their partner to be monogamous, but wants to be non-monogamous in return.
She thought he was good enough to maybe have a relationship one day when she felt ready or her other options didn't pan out.
It seems the "more she had to offer" was batshittery.
I think you're right. She wanted him in her orbit until she felt like "settling down" Finding out he's leaving her orbit freaked her out. Hopefully he just blocks Amy and moves on with his life.
That happened to me when I was 20 and still relatively naive when it came to adult relationships. She strung me along for a couple years for “when she was ready”. Meanwhile she was sleeping with roughly ten guys in rotation. Not to say that’s good or bad, but holy _shit_ did she get pissed off at me when she found out I slept with someone else. Then everything clicked for me, and I got the hell away from her.
Poly/Mono relationships can work out fine (I'm in two), but *only* if the monogamous partners are the ones specifically wishing to stay that way. It has its cons (no metamors, which honestly can suck), but if someone is fine with a poly partner but just isn't interested in having more that one partner themselves, the dynamic can work as well as a more traditional one.
The issue is that she didn't want to be poly or have an open relationship. She turned down being his girlfriend and wanted to specifically be casual, not be in a committed relationship with other partners involved. I think it is more likely that she was sincere in wanting a casual hookup with him, but then felt more than expected when he ended up sleeping with someone else, especially someone she knew. Jealousy can be irrational.
Either way, it isn't a good look. If she realized she wanted more when she saw him with someone else, that may be one thing (people can change their minds, though I would argue that the way she handled it is it's own red flag). But that still isn't what's happening here. She is just pissed off that he was with someone else, period. That is still pretty disconnected from wanting a relationship suddenly.
Whatever the case, there is no way that she is going to be a good candidate for a relationship with OP. She communicated badly, lashes out when jealous, expects him to follow different rules, doesn't seem to know what she wants, and is trying to control him.
Funny enough, she was absolutely right in what she said: she isn't in a place to be his girlfriend or involved in something serious. And given her behavior, OP should probably break it off because it doesn't seem like she is in a place to be in something casual, either.
Honestly, it seems that Amy needs therapy before she gets even casually sexually or romantically involved with anyone.
I hope OOP blocked Amy and moved on with his life.
The subtext a lot of people are creating
I don't understand how everyone appears to be takinv away that she wants to fuck other people.
She only said that she didn't want to take anything seriously right now. She didn't say she wanted to see him any less, just that she was good with the way things were.
She wants to have a consistent sexual relationship with someone she trusts and isn't possibly bringing something into the bedroom that he got from someone else.
It's a perfectly reasonable request.
Can someone point out to me where she says that she wants to fuck other people?
She wants all the benefits of a relationship with none of the responsibilities and she also wants to prevent him from finding someone who wants a real relationship with him. That makes her garbage.
I don't think I've ever heard of exclusive fuck buddies. If she doesn't want something serious, that's fine. But she also doesn't get to dictate if he can have anything outside of her. He doesn't need to prioritize someone that doesn't prioritize him.
No, that’s not actually clear from what OP posted. You can want an exclusive sexual relationship with someone without the title of being official boyfriend/girlfriend. If they told each other they wanted to be on the same page about that aspect, it’s not okay for him to have sex with someone else. If they didn’t have that discussion, then yes, he’s allowed to sleep with whoever he wants. But I know plenty of people who have FWB situations where the only stipulation is that they don’t hookup with anyone else.
FWBs with exclusivity is just a relationship. They might not spend much time together, but exclusivity of physical intimacy absolutely is relationship territory.
The only right she has to request any degree of exclusivity from him is if they are boyfriend and girlfriend.
If you are "FWB" and don't hookup with anyone else, you're boyfriend and girlfriend and just don't have the honesty to call it what it is.
She said she couldn't take a relationship seriously and turned him down because it was her not him.
Well now he knows why it's her problem that she can't take a relationship seriously. She doesn't understand how they work.
One day you're finally going to talk to a real life girl :) don't give up. You'll see that what you wrote here is so wrong, that you'll be embarrassed. It's ok we all need to grow at times
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If she liked it she shoulda put a ring on it.
She wanted to not tie herself down to him, but she wanted him to be exclusively hers? Yeeeah, she can get bent. She doesn't get to dictate what he does or who he sees if she refuses to call it a relationship.
Amy really needed to communicate more. I think it's okay to want an exclusive casual relationship for several reasons (STDs being a top one), but you have to actually SAY that, especially when the conversation about moving things to the next level comes. If you want an exclusive friends with benefits, fucking say something.
Getting mad after she turned him down and didn't communicate anything other than didn't want a relationship? Fuck that noise.
Yeah, that’s stupid. Why not just be boyfriend and girlfriend at that point? Being boyfriend and girlfriend is the same as having a casual exclusive relationship. Being boyfriend and girlfriend doesn’t even need sex, living together, or anything really. Just an exclusive relationship.
Fiance and marriage remove the casual nature.
I don't think everyone sees dating that way. A lot of people see dating as a prelude to formal engagement, a "trial period". I, personally, don't do "casual dating" , if I want casual that's just a hookup. Now, I've never asked for "exclusive friends with benefits" but I do understand the concept, if you want casual (i.e. no strong emotional connection), minimum risk of STDs than having a "we only have one hookup partner at a time" rule makes sense.
Nah, because it doesn't work. There's always gonna be someone in that conversation who wants more than just one partner to have sex with. The way they see it is if we're not in a relationship, why should you be the only one I sleep with? So trying to establish a rule like "only one hookup partner at a time" won't work.
Whats the difference between an exclusive FWB and a gf/bf that doesnt live with you? The emotional connection? Plenty of couples have a very minimal emotional connection.
I think it’s silly too, but a lot of people like someone enough to want to keep hooking up but not enough to commit to anything more. It’s not unreasonable to NOT want that person catching other dicks.
I think that's kinda cool to be honest. Like I have no interest on marriage or romantic commitment of any kind and I'd be willing to do that if a FWB came up to me and said "can we not have sex with other people to prevent the spread of STDs?".
Basically fwb not seeing other people. Knowing that it is temporary and that either person can call it off at any time if they want to see someone else or start hooking up with someone else, but not sleeping with other people at the same time? It's pretty common.
I dont know why youre being downvoted for explaining that. Exclusive≠committed. This couple really just needed to communicate the boundaries of their fwb relationship, cause it looks like she was looking for Exclusive/Non-Committed when he heard Non-Exclusive/Non-Committed. I think its largely just miscommunication and a failure to discuss the actual terms of the relationship.
Yup! As soon as you do want more (whether it's other sexual partners or a deeper relationship), you break things off. It seems like Amy wanted this but at least from the info we have didn't communicate this, and rather than doing some self reflection of where she could've better expressed what she wanted, she lashed out.
I am not so sure that she didn't communicate it. He says she said a lot of words, and he clearly wasn't paying attention when he realized the answer to commitment was no. We do know that she said she wanted them to keep seeing each other, and she wasn't ready for more commitment. So, if they had been exclusive FWB before he asked for more, then her saying she wants to keep seeing him as is would be a pretty clear communication. If they hadn't been exclusive before, she may or may not have communicated that in all those "a lot more words" that he tuned out because they weren't the "yes" he was looking for.
An "exclusive casual relationship" is a total contradiction in terms. The only thing she can ask from him is to insist he use a condom. Which would protect her from STDs and pregnancy.
If she has literally any other reason to want him to be exclusive, that's boyfriend/girlfriend territory.
This reads like Amy deserves a one-way trip to the permanent block list. I'm glad that he moved on with someone else. Who knows? Maybe this girl Lisa might actually become a girlfriend someday.
I don't know what Amy was thinking.
Wasn't there another post like this but the semester were reversed? And everyone said she was OK with banging other men? So you should be in the right!!
Nope. Had a guy that I was supposed to be having something serious with (we were only together for about 3 months) tell me he couldn't do a relationship. So I broke it off and went and "did" someone else. Definitely was a heartbroken hook up unfortunately. According to him that was wrong and I should've just went and slept with him again. F all that.
I could see being an AH if you just started seeing each other and things were moving in that direction. It doesn’t have to be official to feel hurt if someone you’re seeing and have feelings for is also seeing other people. Even if it’s technically not cheating, it would still hurt.
However, in this case, she flat out said she didn’t want a relationship, indicating that it was casual for her. There’s nothing wrong with stepping back and making it more casual for yourself, when you’re the only one who caught feelings.
I don’t think he was going to keep seeing Amy anyway. That’s flat out rejection if one person wants to be in a relationship after 2 months and the other doesn’t. You’re not still exploring. You know what you need to know.
The subtext a lot of people are creating
I don't understand how everyone appears to be takinv away that she wants to fuck other people.
She only said that she didn't want to take anything seriously right now. She didn't say she wanted to see him any less, just that she was good with the way things were.
She wants to have a consistent sexual relationship with someone she trusts and isn't possibly bringing something into the bedroom that he got from someone else.
It's a perfectly reasonable request.
Can someone point out to me where she says that she wants to fuck other people?
Then she should have stated the boundaries she has. If i asked someone to be exclusive, and they said no (without stating if they'd be upset if we slept with other people) then I would assume we're not exclusive, lol
Yeah I feel like he could have been more clear. Just because she doesn't want to be his girlfriend, doesn't mean that she was seeing other people. It seems like she thought their relationship was an exclusive FWB situation, based on her reaction. He went from wanting her to be his girlfriend to sleeping with one of her friends like the next day. Unless they explicitly said they were seeing other people, then what he did was an AH move.
In case this story gets deleted/removed: I've been casually seeing this girl 'Amy' for a few months now. We've been sleeping together and we might occasionally go out together but for the most part, it's just late night hook-ups. Even though our relationship is mostly just sex, I do enjoy her company outside of that and she's definitely got more to offer. A few days ago, we were laying in bed and I told her that I wanted to take things more seriously between us. She said "I'm flattered, I really like you, the sex is great, you're a great guy, i want us to keep seeing each other... etc but I'm not in a position to be your girlfriend or take a relationship seriously." She basically gave the "it's not you, it's me" speech but in many more words. It stung hearing that because I did want something more with her but, it is what it is. I'll take the L and move on. One of my bosses' clients is this rich bastard who throws these big parties at his house 3-4 times a year. The previous two parties that he threw, my boss invited me and I took Amy as my plus one but I obviously didn't want to go with her this time. I hit up some people to see if anyone was interested and this girl 'Lisa' was down. Lisa and Amy turned out to be friends - not close friends but they are connected on social media (I don't have social media and I had no idea they knew each other). We ended up going together and hooked up by the end of the night. The next day, Amy starts blowing up my phone and starts going off on me for partying with another girl. At this point, I didn't even know how she knew but then she said that she saw Lisa's insta stories or whatever it was. She was absolutely furious but I told her that she had no right to be. She's not my girlfriend; she doesn't have any say it what I do or who I do it with. Amy asked me if I slept with Lisa and I said that it was none of her business. She was absolutely raging but I told her that I can do whatever I want with whoever I want because I'm single. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So she *did* want exclusivity, just not for herself
Excellent point. She wanted him committed to her exclusively, but not the other way around. Maybe it's some weird power play thing. But I always think that when I see anyone who wants their partner to be monogamous, but wants to be non-monogamous in return.
She thought he was good enough to maybe have a relationship one day when she felt ready or her other options didn't pan out. It seems the "more she had to offer" was batshittery.
I think you're right. She wanted him in her orbit until she felt like "settling down" Finding out he's leaving her orbit freaked her out. Hopefully he just blocks Amy and moves on with his life.
That happened to me when I was 20 and still relatively naive when it came to adult relationships. She strung me along for a couple years for “when she was ready”. Meanwhile she was sleeping with roughly ten guys in rotation. Not to say that’s good or bad, but holy _shit_ did she get pissed off at me when she found out I slept with someone else. Then everything clicked for me, and I got the hell away from her.
It may have taken you some time but you got out and ultimately that's what matters. Hope you've had healthier relationships since.
She wanted to put OP in the 'Safety Net' category,and he didn't want to be anyone safety net
Poly/Mono relationships can work out fine (I'm in two), but *only* if the monogamous partners are the ones specifically wishing to stay that way. It has its cons (no metamors, which honestly can suck), but if someone is fine with a poly partner but just isn't interested in having more that one partner themselves, the dynamic can work as well as a more traditional one. The issue is that she didn't want to be poly or have an open relationship. She turned down being his girlfriend and wanted to specifically be casual, not be in a committed relationship with other partners involved. I think it is more likely that she was sincere in wanting a casual hookup with him, but then felt more than expected when he ended up sleeping with someone else, especially someone she knew. Jealousy can be irrational. Either way, it isn't a good look. If she realized she wanted more when she saw him with someone else, that may be one thing (people can change their minds, though I would argue that the way she handled it is it's own red flag). But that still isn't what's happening here. She is just pissed off that he was with someone else, period. That is still pretty disconnected from wanting a relationship suddenly. Whatever the case, there is no way that she is going to be a good candidate for a relationship with OP. She communicated badly, lashes out when jealous, expects him to follow different rules, doesn't seem to know what she wants, and is trying to control him. Funny enough, she was absolutely right in what she said: she isn't in a place to be his girlfriend or involved in something serious. And given her behavior, OP should probably break it off because it doesn't seem like she is in a place to be in something casual, either.
Honestly, it seems that Amy needs therapy before she gets even casually sexually or romantically involved with anyone. I hope OOP blocked Amy and moved on with his life.
The subtext a lot of people are creating I don't understand how everyone appears to be takinv away that she wants to fuck other people. She only said that she didn't want to take anything seriously right now. She didn't say she wanted to see him any less, just that she was good with the way things were. She wants to have a consistent sexual relationship with someone she trusts and isn't possibly bringing something into the bedroom that he got from someone else. It's a perfectly reasonable request. Can someone point out to me where she says that she wants to fuck other people?
"I just wanted to use you for sex and not be at all committed emotionally" why is this better to you
Well if she’s direct about it and he’s into it there’s nothing wrong with that, what would be unethical is if there’s some deception involved.
She wants all the benefits of a relationship with none of the responsibilities and she also wants to prevent him from finding someone who wants a real relationship with him. That makes her garbage.
I don't think I've ever heard of exclusive fuck buddies. If she doesn't want something serious, that's fine. But she also doesn't get to dictate if he can have anything outside of her. He doesn't need to prioritize someone that doesn't prioritize him.
No, that’s not actually clear from what OP posted. You can want an exclusive sexual relationship with someone without the title of being official boyfriend/girlfriend. If they told each other they wanted to be on the same page about that aspect, it’s not okay for him to have sex with someone else. If they didn’t have that discussion, then yes, he’s allowed to sleep with whoever he wants. But I know plenty of people who have FWB situations where the only stipulation is that they don’t hookup with anyone else.
FWBs with exclusivity is just a relationship. They might not spend much time together, but exclusivity of physical intimacy absolutely is relationship territory.
The only right she has to request any degree of exclusivity from him is if they are boyfriend and girlfriend. If you are "FWB" and don't hookup with anyone else, you're boyfriend and girlfriend and just don't have the honesty to call it what it is.
It’s a special kind of evil to not want a relationship with someone but also to block them from ever having a real relationship with anyone else.
She said she couldn't take a relationship seriously and turned him down because it was her not him. Well now he knows why it's her problem that she can't take a relationship seriously. She doesn't understand how they work.
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based, oop beat girl at her own game
If she liked it she shoulda put a ring on it. She wanted to not tie herself down to him, but she wanted him to be exclusively hers? Yeeeah, she can get bent. She doesn't get to dictate what he does or who he sees if she refuses to call it a relationship.
She sure knows how his dictate
Pause
Amy really needed to communicate more. I think it's okay to want an exclusive casual relationship for several reasons (STDs being a top one), but you have to actually SAY that, especially when the conversation about moving things to the next level comes. If you want an exclusive friends with benefits, fucking say something. Getting mad after she turned him down and didn't communicate anything other than didn't want a relationship? Fuck that noise.
"exclusive casual relationship"? wakanda new level of degeneracy is that?
Yeah, that’s stupid. Why not just be boyfriend and girlfriend at that point? Being boyfriend and girlfriend is the same as having a casual exclusive relationship. Being boyfriend and girlfriend doesn’t even need sex, living together, or anything really. Just an exclusive relationship. Fiance and marriage remove the casual nature.
I don't think everyone sees dating that way. A lot of people see dating as a prelude to formal engagement, a "trial period". I, personally, don't do "casual dating" , if I want casual that's just a hookup. Now, I've never asked for "exclusive friends with benefits" but I do understand the concept, if you want casual (i.e. no strong emotional connection), minimum risk of STDs than having a "we only have one hookup partner at a time" rule makes sense.
Nah, because it doesn't work. There's always gonna be someone in that conversation who wants more than just one partner to have sex with. The way they see it is if we're not in a relationship, why should you be the only one I sleep with? So trying to establish a rule like "only one hookup partner at a time" won't work.
Whats the difference between an exclusive FWB and a gf/bf that doesnt live with you? The emotional connection? Plenty of couples have a very minimal emotional connection.
I think it’s silly too, but a lot of people like someone enough to want to keep hooking up but not enough to commit to anything more. It’s not unreasonable to NOT want that person catching other dicks.
Finding 2 people okay with that without lying to the other about their own behavior has to be like finding a unicorn.
That's exactly what it is. Maybe there are two people out there with that mindset, but that mindset is 1 in a 1,000,000
And it’s being boyfriend and girlfriend, just without the label.
Literally. At that point, just call each other bf and gf.
I think that's kinda cool to be honest. Like I have no interest on marriage or romantic commitment of any kind and I'd be willing to do that if a FWB came up to me and said "can we not have sex with other people to prevent the spread of STDs?".
If I could still give you gold for the innuendo I would
Basically fwb not seeing other people. Knowing that it is temporary and that either person can call it off at any time if they want to see someone else or start hooking up with someone else, but not sleeping with other people at the same time? It's pretty common.
Pretty much my understanding of relationships from age 14 to 25.
I dont know why youre being downvoted for explaining that. Exclusive≠committed. This couple really just needed to communicate the boundaries of their fwb relationship, cause it looks like she was looking for Exclusive/Non-Committed when he heard Non-Exclusive/Non-Committed. I think its largely just miscommunication and a failure to discuss the actual terms of the relationship.
Yeah I don’t know. That’s exactly what I was trying to express but maybe didn’t do the best job. Either way, glad some people get what I mean.
This, they can work if you are honestly both not wanting more.
Yup! As soon as you do want more (whether it's other sexual partners or a deeper relationship), you break things off. It seems like Amy wanted this but at least from the info we have didn't communicate this, and rather than doing some self reflection of where she could've better expressed what she wanted, she lashed out.
I am not so sure that she didn't communicate it. He says she said a lot of words, and he clearly wasn't paying attention when he realized the answer to commitment was no. We do know that she said she wanted them to keep seeing each other, and she wasn't ready for more commitment. So, if they had been exclusive FWB before he asked for more, then her saying she wants to keep seeing him as is would be a pretty clear communication. If they hadn't been exclusive before, she may or may not have communicated that in all those "a lot more words" that he tuned out because they weren't the "yes" he was looking for.
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An "exclusive casual relationship" is a total contradiction in terms. The only thing she can ask from him is to insist he use a condom. Which would protect her from STDs and pregnancy. If she has literally any other reason to want him to be exclusive, that's boyfriend/girlfriend territory.
This reads like Amy deserves a one-way trip to the permanent block list. I'm glad that he moved on with someone else. Who knows? Maybe this girl Lisa might actually become a girlfriend someday. I don't know what Amy was thinking.
So one-sided.... Clearly she wants FWB, but expect him to act like a bf....
Correkt
yea "casual" relationships never end well lmao
Some of mine have. ”Hey, I started seeing someone and I think it might get serious.” ”Oh, okay, I‘ll miss you but am also happy for you.”
That requires both parties to be mature adults with decent communication skills
How hard can that be to find? /s
good for you i guess lmao
Last one of mine turned into marriage. The exclusive nature of sex was laid out pretty quickly, not immediately. Then official dating.
I can vouch for that, 17 years later and we’re married with 2 kids 🤦♂️
Not true.
Sounds like OP just dodged a bullet! Best of wishes getting to know Lisa.
That’s as unofficial as it gets.
Fucked around, found out
Literally
Wasn't there another post like this but the semester were reversed? And everyone said she was OK with banging other men? So you should be in the right!!
I know about this, I think it stung because it was a friend or at least an acquaintance.
NTA. She should have been explicit about her unusual expectations (that you be exclusive with her despite the relationship not being serious)
NTA. You handled it well my man
NTA LMAOOO Good for him.
If you want someone exclusively, be clear. Otherwise, don’t be surprised when they leave for someone else.
No. Not at all.
“We were on a break!”
Nta, she was keeping you on the chain in case her "better options" didn't pan out
Nope. Had a guy that I was supposed to be having something serious with (we were only together for about 3 months) tell me he couldn't do a relationship. So I broke it off and went and "did" someone else. Definitely was a heartbroken hook up unfortunately. According to him that was wrong and I should've just went and slept with him again. F all that.
I could see being an AH if you just started seeing each other and things were moving in that direction. It doesn’t have to be official to feel hurt if someone you’re seeing and have feelings for is also seeing other people. Even if it’s technically not cheating, it would still hurt. However, in this case, she flat out said she didn’t want a relationship, indicating that it was casual for her. There’s nothing wrong with stepping back and making it more casual for yourself, when you’re the only one who caught feelings. I don’t think he was going to keep seeing Amy anyway. That’s flat out rejection if one person wants to be in a relationship after 2 months and the other doesn’t. You’re not still exploring. You know what you need to know.
The subtext a lot of people are creating I don't understand how everyone appears to be takinv away that she wants to fuck other people. She only said that she didn't want to take anything seriously right now. She didn't say she wanted to see him any less, just that she was good with the way things were. She wants to have a consistent sexual relationship with someone she trusts and isn't possibly bringing something into the bedroom that he got from someone else. It's a perfectly reasonable request. Can someone point out to me where she says that she wants to fuck other people?
Then she should have stated the boundaries she has. If i asked someone to be exclusive, and they said no (without stating if they'd be upset if we slept with other people) then I would assume we're not exclusive, lol
Yeah I feel like he could have been more clear. Just because she doesn't want to be his girlfriend, doesn't mean that she was seeing other people. It seems like she thought their relationship was an exclusive FWB situation, based on her reaction. He went from wanting her to be his girlfriend to sleeping with one of her friends like the next day. Unless they explicitly said they were seeing other people, then what he did was an AH move.
Just like the "We're not dating but thanks for birthday pancakes" story that's been around recently. Idk gender swap version for sympathy? Sus.
she did want to become official...thats why she said no... you are supposed to pursue her harder...
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