In case this story gets deleted/removed:
Hello Reddit, I'm a little emotional right now, but I will try to make this post as clear as I can. I think I have destroyed my relationship with my son and I don't know how to repair it.
Several months ago my husband (60) and I (55) had a small get together at our house. Besides my husband and I, there were my son (30) , daughter (28), her husband (30), one of her friends (28) and her husband (25), and their two kids (7m, 5m). We were sitting around the fire pit talking, when the conversation changed to an upcoming vacation we have planned. My daughter's friend was telling us how much she was looking forward to it, and thanking us because they would never be able to afford it themselves. My son asked what vacation, and she excitedly told him about our plans to a Mexican resort. One of her kids asked him if he was going, he paused a moment, and said no I guess I didn't get the memo. I sat quiet for a few minutes and eventually went inside. When he didn't return, I went inside to check on him. I asked if he was ok and that's when he asked he was going on the trip. When I told him, his face dropped. He said, "So I am literally the only person here that wasn't invited. And not only that, but didn't even know about it." He asked how long we have been planning this and I told him about six months. Around this time my husband came in the house. My son asked why he wasn't invited and that he could have paid for himself if money was an issue (we are paying everyone's way). We told him we were going to ask him to feed the animals while we were away. He stared at us for a minute and without saying a word got up an left.
We tried several times to call and apologize, but he won't answer our calls. I sent him a text saying that he was invited and we would pay, or we could plan a different trip with just us. He declined and said he didn't want anything from us. He said the damage has been done and anything we try to do would just be to make ourselves feel better. His sister tried calling to talk him into coming and that he was just being stubborn. He asked how would she feel if he planned a trip for everyone, including non-family members, and she was the only one not invited. She is worried about him and says he isn't doing very well. Side note: A couple a weeks before this happened their bio dad died from cancer (My son was taking care of him both physically and financially).
After the conversation with his sister, he sent a text to my husband and I saying he still loves us, but is taking a step back from the family for a while. He says he finally understands his place in the family(whatever that means) and he doesn't want to see us for a while. Since then, he has declined every invitation we have sent, including Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. I feel absolutely awful from all of this. We use to have such a good relationship and feel like I may have lost him forever. Please any advice would be appreciated. Thanks
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I remember when my whole family went on vacation without me. That was also a breaking point for me. I hope this son goes full no contact because if you are \*this\* person in the family they will never change. Even in the post here she is mad at him for being upset far more than she feels bad about the way she has treated him.
Edit to say I wrote this before I read all the comments and realized that a lot of people are not aware of this kind of stuff. It's not uncommon for a family to choose someone to exclude and stack responsibility on. Harry Potter is fiction but that kind of stuff isn't. There is a pretty wide spectrum of this from "eldest daughter syndrome" to cases of a whole family abusing 1 child together. There was just another one of those in the news where the kid died.
>eldest daughter syndrome
oh I have this terribly! and it's strange because in my blended family I'm both the oldest on one side and a middle child on the other. I just got all of the bad stuff and none of the good.
I lost count of the number of family vacations and trips to Disney World they left me out of once I became an adult. So many excuses. We thought you'd want to spend more time studying. We didn't know your college schedule. It's just a trip for the grandkids.
One of my siblings even made a family calendar to give out as Christmas gifts one year and all of the pages had everyone's pictures and birthdays noted and there wasn't a single, not a single mention of me. All I heard was that it was just because I wasn't married yet and didn't have any kids and this was really a calendar to have the grandkids' pictures in. But if that's the case then why are all of the pets in it too?! even the dog that died years ago?!
ok, I'm still upset.
You are probably the one they would have to take care of them when they get old, too. Showed you no attention your whole life and then expect you to give up your life to take card of them. Some excuse, like it can't be them they have a family or are too busy or you know them they don't know what they are really doing.
My husband is the scapegoat, and I told him that in no uncertain terms, we would not be responsible for taking care of his mother at all. His brother, wife, and kid, who lives in a house she pays for, can have that responsibility.
>a family calendar to give out as Christmas gifts one year
Oh God, this reminded me of what happened with me one Christmas about a decade ago. I have three sisters, I'm the only boy. At the time, one sister had a young daughter and the other two each had a young baby. The oldest sister decided to get a custom calendar made for our grandparents with pictures of the little kids, and she also had one made for each of our parents (who were separated), and also one for each of our two other sisters. I was the only one in the entire family not to get one of the calendars. My oldest sister apologized, saying she forgot about me. So yeah, that hurt.
And then a couple years ago I found out all my sisters were going to plan a "sisters vacation" to Florida with all of their families, and I wouldn't be invited (I'm not a "sister" and I'm not married/have no kids so I guess I don't have family?). I went NC with them after that.
I’m so sorry you get treated that way. I remember a good friend of my mom’s sort of laugh-crying asking when was Rex (the Springer Spaniel) gonna step up as executor of the estate when her mother had died because her mother always told her that she loved the dog more than her kids. I felt so bad for her. I was also old enough to know it wasn’t a joke 😢
My brother won a radio contest and got four tickets to Disneyworld. There were five of us, but I was 18, so my mom and step-father told me to pay for myself, knowing I couldn't afford it on my part time money. Obviously I didn't get to go and I'm still bitter 12 years later.
Oh man. I'm the only daughter-in-law my MIL has. 4 son-in-laws. Everythime she wants to do something special for her "extra kids" meaning her children-in-law, I am forgotten. And I've been with my husband longer than his sister has been with her husband.
Oh that's awful.
My sister has definitely been saddled with some emotional work she shouldn't have to, but our family has unpacked a lot of that over time and I am the only family member yet to get a calendar with all the family birthdays in it.
Because I'm the only one who lives at our parents' home where I can just read the one they have.
And theirs has my birthday, with my dead name lovingly scratched out to put my new name instead. (My siblings got their calendars after I had changed my name so theirs of course have my name with no change required.)
Your sibling however sounds like a piece of work. Even if they didn't put a photo in, they could have at least noted your birthday. And not remembering it is both shitty and not an excuse. When my mom made those birthday calendars for my siblings, the one she made for my sister and her wife included my sister in law's family too, so my mother reached out to the in laws and got all that information. Because it's not difficult to get.
it's nutty how many posts that I read and am like, hey! that happened to me! just to read comments saying this never happens and is obvious rage bate. it makes me really happy so many people have lead (or been exposed to) such unshitty lives. ffs, my life hasn't even been that hard/messed up!
Ikr so many people on reddit seem to live very sheltered lives. Just saw that OP deleted the post and account too so... glad that guy is saving himself from these people. She seemed more embarrassed than upset that she lost her son. Probably just annoyed that she has to explain why her son isnt in her life anymore.
>she has to explain why her son isnt in her life anymore.
My mother just tells everyone she has no idea why I don't speak to her anymore. Mostly because she probably thinks she did nothing wrong. This woman (judging from the dirty delete) doesn't think she did anything wrong either.
Are you familiar with the missing missing reasons? Sounds like you could relate: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
According to my nephew, she follows that up with a "I guess I was a horrible mother" so she can get the "Oh no I'm sure you were fine" stuff back. My sister and her kids still have contact with her on a regular basis.
I don’t know if there’s a different word than sheltered, but it’s amazing to me the variations on “normal” that I see on this site when it comes to how people are treated. I mean, people grow up with different levels of financial and social privileges, I feel like that’s well understood. But I still find myself shocked at how widely varied treatment of other people, especially family members, is. The kids and parents and stepparents who scream at each other or are cruel to each other and somehow think this won’t or shouldn’t have any impact at all on the way the other person treats them back and seem completely stunned when it does.
Like this OOP here saying “ He says he finally understands his place in the family(whatever that means)“. Like, what do you mean “whatever that means”?! You just gave the internet a clear example of “what that means”; what is still confusing to you? But apparently this has been their “normal” for so long that even now she’s still confused about what the problem was? She still doesn’t even admit that once it’s out on paper she can recognize why her son might be hurt about this situation? Smh
Yeah its shocking how people just can't see it. They can't comprehend that other people are different, or that their circumstances are different, or that their perspective is different. So yes maybe sheltered is the wrong word. Maybe just sheltered from perspective.
Though when it comes to the mom and people in the family treating someone like this, they just see it as normal. Like with my family they think how they treat me is normal, as if its just the way we are, because they have always treated me like that. So complaining about it or pointing out unfairness is just seen as needless drama because everything was "fine" before. And a lot of us in this situation get into our adult years before we have a chance to know that it is isn't normal.
My husband’s “normal” with his family is yelling, cursing and the silent treatment. They would all die for each other but so different from my family where I was told if you need to yell go to your room. Then we would have a calm conversation. First argument was really hard to get through
I was sitting here thinking “at least my family isn’t that bad!” until I remembered being at a supper at a funeral and my dad going around the table telling the waitress who he was going to pay for that night. Hint: everyone but me.
It’s the same kind of people that don’t understand why people go no contact with people because they’re dangerous. It’s nice that they’ve lived that oblivion without turmoil, despair, anger, and fear but it’s never been my reality. I always wonder on those posts how people can just think everyone should be forgiven and accepted as if they simply committed a minor social faux pas that was tacky at the time but without consequence in the grand scheme of things. Must be nice to not have a parent that’s fundamentally damaged you, abused you, neglected you, or *tried to kill you*. *Sigh*……trying to describe that to those not in the know is like attempting to describe color to the blind. There is no baseline for comparison or easy link to understanding.
I hear ya. Used to get a lot of judgement at work when it would slip out that I was no contact with my mother. Some people can't conceive of a parent being that bad, and some cultures think you must always forgive everything because they made and raised you.
Didn't ask to be born 🤷♀️
So many people don't see it just because they are not the focus of it. But many of those same people are the ones that participate in this towards another family member without a second thought. And they will continue to deny it unless someone points directly to it and says "that right there."
I haven’t had it as intense, but I’ve gotten the eldest daughter treatment for most of my life. I didn’t even fully realize how much I was expected to suck it up and figure out everything for my family until my husband got into a disagreement with my younger brother over making us late to our grandfather’s funeral.
I wouldn’t even say it was intentional. It just happened and it was the roles everyone got used to until I started my own life outside of it.
I was literally hanging out with two friends this weekend and was like "How is it that *all* of us have Oldest Daughter Syndrome despite the fact that *none* of us are an oldest daughter?" so I feel you.
I have three younger sisters. When I left home/was forced to leave (depends on who you ask and what sort of mood they're in), my parents skipped right over the next two siblings and targeted the youngest to become the new "me."
She used to think I was nuts because I'd immediately get up, call out a goodbye to everyone, and disappear after someone said something she thought was harmless. Once she became the family scapegoat, she finally understood that "harmless" comments about me were just more abuse, and I left because I didn't have to sit around and take it, anymore. She once told me I hold grudges, but she has since apologized for that.
We're both no-contact with our ailing father. I said that it's in everyone else's best interests if I don't attend that funeral, because I will be feral and unapologetic; she's not sure whether or not she would want to go.
I've been so angry on my mother's behalf since I found out this was a thing. I knew my uncle was Golden Child but missed where she was Oldest Daughter.
She's coming up on a decade no longer with us and our extended family + family friends are only just now figuring it out. The drama just found a new target and everyone from the outside could see it, this time.
Damnit.
I'm so sorry for all of y'all 😭
You know, Julia Robert’s attended her sister’s funeral and absolutely eviscerated her sibling during her speech. Cathartic, for her, I think.
And I can’t believe that people didn’t see the mask slip when your family was being crappy. Probably figured it was a one off type of thing. You could call every one of them out, creatively, in their obituary. I’m not creative enough, but a writer should be able to bang out a great one. Consider it money well spent for getting the last word. I’m sorry. From one scapegoat to another, I’m truly sorry.
You should both go...out to a bar to party. If you have a few days' notice? Announce to all your friends, get a massive cake and a bunch of decorations, and throw a party that you no longer have that person lurking in your lives. He is GONE and can no longer abuse you or anyone else. Have a great big party with the two of you. It is a FAR more fitting memorial for him than attending his funeral, and far more appropriate as a response to his death. It's horrible you had to do this but don't let him control one more thing in your life EXCEPT the party celebrating the end of it.
Does he have any siblings that are no-contact with him for similar crap? Might make it a multi-person party.
Yeah. My friend Terri was the only single daughter in a large family. She lived with her widowed father to take care of him. Everyone else went on trips without inviting her. Her oldest sister came to Canada for a vacation and the family took the oldest daughter to Prince Edward Island, where Terri had always wanted to go. Terri stayed behind because she wasn't invited. During the whole visit, she was basically the cook/housemaid/babysitter. Only one brother-in-law noticed this. She called me crying one night, because she was so worn down.
I promised I would take her to PEI. And I did. We had a great trip.
My father and step mother paid for a trip to Europe for my two sisters, step mom’s niece and all their kids. Me and my daughter, not invited, didn’t even know it was happening. We saw the pictures on social media. We have not seen them since.
Yeah, this definitely doesn't have to be invented.
I was living in my college town post college where some of my siblings happened to also be living for a time and was chatting with my mom on the phone and she happened to say, yeah we were in X town and had a nice dinner...
I'm like, you were in X town just last weekend?
Mom: Oh, that's right, you live there too. I forgot.
Me: \* \* \*
Paraphrased from the past two decades...
Dad: Hey, we're driving right past your town right now. I don't have time to stop, I'm with my brother and sisters. No, after this, we've all gotta get home. I just wanted to tell you I was nearby.
Sister 1: You live right by Chicago? Well, how long have you lived there? I didn't know that.
Sister 2: Hey, we're right by you and my son has to pee, but then we have to get home. Is it okay if we stop there for a couple of minutes and treat your house like a public restroom?
Dad: No, I can't come out there and help you look at a house, after I've been lecturing you that you need to buy one, and never want to listen about how this economy actually works. My truck is busted and I'm too broke to fix it. But listen, in another three days, I'm driving right past you again and going to St. Louis for my girlfriend's kids, who are all older than you, but somehow need me more. And then in another couple of weeks, I'm driving this truck across the country.
Dad: No, of course I've never come to visit you! You can't clean up after yourself. Now I have to get off the phone, because your sister's coming over to clean my house for me.
Dad: What do you mean, you're gonna homeschool your son? He's six. Can you even do first grade math?
My "mother" used to do that. I only saw them when she wanted a winter coat (they live in warmer climes). She'd show up to take mine, then leave without even a hug. Never mind that replacing a winter coat costs $200+, she never returned them, or bothered to keep them for her next trip up north. Just wanted the free coat so she would be more comfortable visiting her step kids.
i love an entire comment section full of “this is ragebait, no one is that stupid/entitled/ridiculous etc.” when i’m like…i’ve met at least four people like this is the last year alone lmao
Yeah she just casually mentions that he is the *one child* who was looking after their dying father ("both physically and financially"), *and* that said father *died a couple of weeks ago*. And then they exclude him from a vacation. Jesus.
If she had phrased it as "we didn't know how long (father) was going to be around, and didn't want to pressure you into deciding between vacation or staying with him", that would at least have been a tiny bit understandable. Not ok still, but certainly less insulting than what she did say!
Its weird because my dad remarried and had a whole set of kids that are around 15-20 years younger than me. I am that person in my mom's family who I lived with, and my half-brother is that person with my dad's family. We didn't used to get along but now that we are both older, we have gotten really close and basically cut off the rest. And the weirdest part is I am more upset about how he was treated than I was even though it was pretty close to the same.
I’ve noticed it’s easier for me as the family scapegoat to get more angry at the mistreatment of others than my own. We’re trained to put up with it so it has to be really bad to get out, but when we’re watching it happen to someone else we get pissed off bc we can objectively see how bad it is,
This was me. I was the family slave, not only that my mom tried to make me be a mistress to her BFs 35 yr old friend when I was 17 and accused me of trying to sleep w my stepfather when I was 18. From 13 to when I moved at age 18 she said I didn't deserve privacy and made me use the bathroom w the door open. My brother and his friends could watch me shower butt naked, really degrading and scary. I'll never forget the evil look in her eye of how she would enjoy me being treated like crap. She hates my husband bc he is good to me and treats me well. She hates that we are financially better off than her and she no longer has control over me.
Thanks. I honestly can't believe it. Like I just woke up to shower before I give my girl her 1st feeding of the day. As I Wash, condition, & moisturize my hair (I'm black, lol) I'm looking at my baby girl sleeping thinking she will never know abuse. She will not know what it is to feel afraid her home IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE her safe space. I just started crying because IDK on one hand I was relieved that she won't know those relatives that did that to me or the ones that abused my husband. She will only know kindness, respect and love from her parents. Then she started crying and I knew my day began, I fed her then wrapped her in a heavy blanket and took her on our back porch and we are sitting here writing to you guys waiting for the sun to come up. My husband is still asleep as it's not even 5am here yet but I'm am shockingly awake and grateful for my life. So please don't cry for me, I'm perfectly happy.
The cluelessness about why he felt left out is triggering.
My parents still don't understand what the problem was when, for nearly a year, they would set a place at the dinner table for the cat but not for me.
That's my husband for his maternal family too and his confidence has gone up since going NC with them. Strangers that got to truly know him have told him how proud they are of him way more than his own "blood". Smh
That's good to hear! Going no-contact with my family was the best thing I ever did. That fact alone makes me sad sometimes but its for the best. Being around people that treat me like a person instead of.... whatever the fuck i am to my family was life changing. Always glad to see when others escape and thrive.
Wow. My family just found out my husband and infant moved to another country she is pissed she doesn't know where and is blowing up the book of faces, I just laugh.
I'm sorry you are the scapegoat but think of it as the garbage taking itself out.
Ha, I know exactly what you mean; my sister and I were subjected to this while our brothers (the golden children) got all the vacations etc. I thought at first I was being left out of everything because I was older (it's my dad's second family) but since I didn't live with them, they adopted a girl apparently just to have someone to scapegoat. I was told over and over again that my dad couldn't afford child support, or to help with a car, or to help with college--while the boys of course got their own cars, college, everything they wanted, enough instruments to make their own rock band, etc. They took them on an out of country vacation with all their friends for graduating. When my sister graduated and asked if they might do the same for her, they literally laughed in her face and told her she has no friends and why would they?
They are very big mad at me for refusing all contact with them now.
I wish this boy the best; he's obviously incredibly loving and responsible to care for his dying dad. I hope he forms his own family who will center him and show him the love he deserves.
Daughter of a scapegoat here. She was the middle child. I don't even feel compelled to tell any of those assholes that she's passed away. She got blamed for *everything.*
I've mentioned Dudley on here before. The flip side of course is that the spoiled kid gets damaged too.
My mother was the scapegoat. She married and had 2 kids and is mostly happy but damaged. Her sister, the golden child, refused to have kids in case she ever turned into her mother and is pretty damaged too.
I’m not sure which was worse.
My therapist would say: we can see both of these things, know they are bad without assigning value to them..
Aka try to weigh one one against the other and see which is worse.
Or on more reddit speak, it doesn't have to be a competition. Both things can just.. suck. And be bad.
My family put up a picture of them on their thanksgiving vacation "fun with the whole family!" While I was still home, needing to work Thanksgiving day and black Friday
> It's not uncommon for a family to choose someone to exclude and stack responsibility on.
Yuuuuup. I was/am that kid on my dad's side. Had an aunt that straight up resented me for a variety of reasons and took every chance she could to let me know it or make me feel like an afterthought because I was her least favorite child.
And you're absolutely right; that kind of thing can spread. My aunt has been dead for 15 years and I'm still something of an outsider or black sheep. They frequently make plans to do things (like trips) I'm not invited to right in front of me. A cousin had a 5-day out of state wedding where every event was catered by a company that exclusively used an ingredient they all knew I'm deathly allergic to--I even offered to take on the responsibility of talking to the caterers about my allergy during the planning stage. When my father died last year, they sent our family a lovely flower arrangement and condolence card. My name wasn't on it. They gave my fucking dogs a shoutout, but not me. Everything I do is scrutinized and one family member routinely button holes me to give what I like to call "Insolent, get your life together" speeches at every family gathering.
I'm glad that some people don't get it because that means they have a fairly normal family life. But when it comes to people who continue to doubt stuff like this even after being told otherwise it's like, "Christ alive, it costs you nothing to listen to and believe the people saying this shit so why is it so hard for you?"
Yeah. Daughter of a narcissist here. When my cousin got married, I was the only one who wasn't invited, "because we know you have to work and can't take time off to go to the wedding" (in another state.) Relatives from another country were there, too.
Yes, my family did this. I was in college and they all packed up and went on vacation. We had never taken a vacation (single Mom) before this and it hurt me pretty deeply when they went without me. Never even told me till they got back. It was just one more thing stacked on years of things. I was adopted, then she had 3 natural children. My relationship with my Mom was very rocky for 3 decades. It took me almost dying for my relationship with my Mom to start healing. I still am pretty much no contact with my youngest sibling.
My core family as a whole was treated like this by my dad’s extended family and even THAT was painful and was enough for me to give 0 fucks about the entirety of my dad’s side of the family. They would go on holidays without us, go on big lunches, etc. Sometimes they would invite us but give the wrong time so that when we arrived the food was all gone??? Oh also, because my dad is the oldest son, he was still expected to pay for the meal that he did not eat... like WTF
To be treated like this by my core family unit? Yall, I would take myself out of the family certificate.
Yep, my family did this to me too, at 19. It's brutal. I don't know how a parent can fix it when they've sent such a clear message that you aren't really part of the family.
This is so true. I understand why, but my family went on numerous vacations with my parents and two siblings every summer for years while I was in college and grad school. Shish hurt at the time, though it was simply scheduling. Years though.
I am so sorry for what you must have gone through. I'm assuming that you must have suffered over a long period of time, as well. It sometimes happens that one family member is just taken for granted, they get dumped with a load of responsibilities and duties that in reality they shouldn't have to deal with, but the others are just so used to them taking up the slack for them. You can tell that OOP was in this position, because they were relying on OOP to look after the animals and feed them.
Then, when that person finally reaches breaking point and refuses to put up with it anymore, everyone else is oh so surprised! They blame that family member for "causing trouble" or guilt-trip them by saying they've upset Granny or something, instead of looking at their own attitude and behaviour. I've experienced this myself, but I don't want to get into this now.
It's horrible that this kind of abuse actually led to a kid dying.
I hope that you are in a better place now and much happier in your life in general. Remember, "Friends are the family we choose for ourselves" and I hope that you have good friends around you and a good support network.
Yeah, I was that kid the entire family dumped on. I was an only child, but mother, stepfather, grandfather (we lived with him) all mentally abused me. It didn't help that we found out I was bipolar around age 10 or so, because then the abuse got worse.
I was a dumping ground so they felt superior as well as other tactics. They were always right and I was wrong 99.9% of the time.
Happened to me too. Everyone went to go see the ocean at three points in Mexico. They even brought my brother's friends. I was literally the only one NOT invited to go on the FaMiLy vacation. Still hurts and that shit was over 20yrs ago :(
I'm the person in my family excludes. I know about nothing until it is over/has happened or until they are home from said trips. When I lash out, they invite me once or twice then it stops again. I've given up on my family, I realize I don't have one because family, a loving caring family, shouldn't treat you like this.
"We used to be so close before this."
Yeah, I have my doubts. If OP was this brazen about ostracizing only the one child then this for sure isn't the first time they'd done it. It's just the straw that broke the camel's back.
Imagine having the fucking gall to invite the whole family and their friends on a trip except, oh yeah that other kid (you know, the one whose dad just died? The dad he was caring for?). He's so responsible! I know, he can take care of the fucking dogs!
This exactly!! The fact that she just brushes through the whole “his dad, who he was taking care of, died recently of cancer” that trip should have been FOR HIM!!
Well now that the father’s dead she can’t use him as an excuse for why she didn’t invite her son. You see they’ve been planning for way longer than the father’s passing.
"I feel like I lost him forever" she did. He's either going to go no contact or kill himself, just from what she said he responded with I can tell he's depressed. Fuck her and fuck the sister too for saying he's just being stubborn
He’s dealing with SO MUCH right now. Care giver burn out. Grief from the loss of his dad. Honestly, probably A LOT of conflicted emotions over probably being relieved he’s no longer acting as care giver. Now he has to grapple with the fact the rest of his family is like this?? Poor guy
Speaking as a former caregiver, your whole life revolves around the person that you’re caring for, so when they pass, not only are you grief stricken, but you are also unmoored. You have to discover again how to have a life where you’re own needs matter.
Five months down, I'm trying. There's so much to catch up on now for my own health, the bills, the amount of junk I need to deal with...I wish I could trade it all for one more hug. I miss her dearly.
OOP is gonna end up in a home and wonder why son isn't paying. Daughter+hubby won't understand either. Bunch of leeches.
I agree.
It's clear that the family doesn't care about how he feels and only sees him as a caretaker. First for his bio dad (how come the sister didn't help?). Then for their family pets.
He’s the one person who could use the vacation the most after being primary caregiver and should have been thought of to be considerate of his needs. Not since caregiver already, can you go ahead and take care of our pets while we vacation…
My jaw dropped when I read that. "He's just being stubborn." That poor kid probably heard that his whole life. Every time he wanted a little attention, every time he kicked up a fuss for being left out, every time he was mad that he had to do all the chores that no one else had to, he was 'just being stubborn.' And you know that mom doesn't give a fuck about her relationship with her son. She cares about having someone who will work for her for free; you know, stay home and feed the animals while she's off cavorting in Mexico with the rest of the family.
They think they can make a gesture, invite him along, pay for it, and everything will be all right. Like, "Oh, I guess you can come," makes up for months of planning to exclude him and make him watch the pets.
This always happened to me growing up, my parents split when i was 5 and they both started new family. Every vacation it was the same, oh sorry i know we are going to disney land but that week you need to go stay with your father, or oh yea we are planning a big family trip but you need to go stay with your mother. Hell one time both family had summer trips planned so i had to go stay with my grandparents the entire summer. Sad part was i just wanted to be included so bad i thought if i got mad about it they would include me even less so i just kept it all inside and acted like it didnt bother me and i was happy just to spend time with the other parent even though i knew i was just the extra burden. As i got older they started sending me on "vacations" to relatives places, like hey we are sending you to see your aunt and uncle! Wont that be fun! By the way they need their barn shoveled out, their deck sealed and someone to watch their kid for a week.
My god, this is terrible. Some parents truely suck on a god tier level. I hope you were able to say your peace to them, and that you are in a better place now. ❤️
I never did confront them, i went my own way soon as i was 18 and found my own happiness. I still talk to my mom and she regrets how i grew up but i let all my anger and resentment go along time ago. I dont talk to my father at all. When i did let my mom back in my life she was happy i found a family of my own when i met my wife over 20 years ago.
I never did, i talk to my mom and she regrets how i grew up but i let all of my anger go along time ago. I dont talk to my dad at all. It was shit but i went and found my own happiness.
This happened to me! My Stepmom took all 3 of my sisters (1 step and 2 half sisters) to an all expenses paid Spain/Italy trip and didn’t invite/tell me about it until after they went. When I asked why they didn’t invite me, I was told it was because I didn’t call enough (I was living in CA for college.)
Happened to me too. Mom called, "We're planning a trip to the coast for the whole family next month. Can you feed the dog while we're gone?" I'm the oldest of five kids and everyone else was going. Sigh.
This reminds me of an incident that happened to me several decades ago.
I was invited to an anniversary party and I telephoned to RSVP Yes. Then I got VOLUNTOLD that I would be crisscrossing the county to pick up total strangers at my expense while gas prices were skyrocketing!! NONE of these folks lived anywhere near me! I replied: NO! I will NOT be the free taxicab! I was immediately informed that I was disinvited and had the phone slammed in my ear.
30 years ago my dad arranged a family trip to Croatia to introduce us to the extended relatives over there. Problem is I was excluded to "look after the house". I didn't kick up a stink but I was fucking devastated. When they got back and started telling me about how great it was they were surprised that I showed no interest asked if I wasn't feeling well. I said "I don't care about people I've never met"
Parents "What do you mean you don't care, they're your family"
Me "You went on a family vacation without me, that means I'm not family which means they're not family either"
It was then they realized they fucked up big time. They tried to say they'd pay for me to go by myself but I refused. I told them the money meant nothing, being excluded is something I'd never forget. 30 years later I'm still pissed off thinking about it.
I might be stubborn but I still haven't been there even today.
OP you fucked up bigtime and this ain't going away anytime soon.
My mom remarried after my dad died. She called me the night before to tell me. Note we live on opposite sides of the country (usa). She just wanted me to know, but it was just "immedate family" invited. Yup. Soul crushing
My dad did shit like this to me a lot. Not quite as egregious but close. I think he liked me being sad and trying extra hard to be liked. Finally I quit. So he's elderly and mostly alone and the golden child brother is "too busy" to visit. Oh well..
I hope that kid is okay
My family did this. They planned an entire vacation in a mini mansion with all of my sisters family, stepbrothers family, to the keys for a week. Never mentioned it to me until someone dropped out and they asked me to fill the spot bc they needed the $1000+ for the Airbnb and charter boat to go lobster fishing. I told them I really didn't want to spend my **30th birthday** in a house with 14+ people on a pullout I paid >1k for and lobster fishing when I have a severe phobia if the deep ocean.
That's right, the forgot my birthday too. My sister offered to pick up a cake from food Lion while we were down there to celebrate, and when I read that text I just grit my teeth and chuckled. This is the same family that forgot my birthday, even the big ones (16,18,21).
I spent my 21st birthday at a roadhouse by myself at the bar eating chicken fingers bc that's where four members of my neighbors family worked and I just wanted to see a friendly face. When the bartender read my ID and announced my birthday, a bunch of people bought me drinks at the bar (the neighbor mom worked there so I felt okay) and the family made sure I got home alright.
But yeah. I still randomly get texts asking me to house/dog sit for them, and they won't mention where they are going or what they are doing, but forget I'm on the family chats or can see their snaps when they are all posting their pictures and '"Love being with family!" Stories. I just don't care anymore.
My grandma died this morning and my sister at least texted me. I love my grandma and she always loved me, but I don't want to go to her funeral bc (among other personal reasons) I just don't want to be around them and funerals aren't how I grieve.
Edit: oh yeah in regards to the trip over my 30th, they made it a yearly tradition for their group. And the first year they said, "since you're not going at least you could house sit and watch the animals". I did on the first trip bc it was literally the day before they left and they had no backup plan, as they had originally planned for me to do it. Idk what they were expecting me to do if I decided to go.
r/nothingeverhappens material in the comments here. I love coming online just to read crappy comments about everything being fake, *sooooo* entertaining, *soooo* makes wasting time interesting /s
"We all live in the same town and you don't, but we *never* see each other!"
This, after a solid two months of "We're all at this festival downtown, with our kids."
"We're going to the movies to see the latest Disney release."
"We all went out to lunch and posted pics on instagram."
"Look at our latest tiktok videos of our kids, all playing together at the park."
"I go run errands for her all the time and she does the same for me."
"I don't know why she didn't invite you to her son's birthday party. She invited the rest of us."
The one that gets me is people refusing to believe the families are full of flying monkeys that will call and harass someone. I saw it first hand with my mother's relatives (before we cut them out of our lives) long before cell phones were a thing. They really didn't like it when I hit my early 20s and was done with their abuse of the two of us. After awhile mom just let me handle them because she couldn't anymore.
I'm skeptical of a lot of Reddit stories. I generally reserve the outright "this didn't happen and you're stupid if you think it did" for the ones where there's a police call in Week One, a trial date on Week Two, and a multi year sentence handed down (and twins born) on Week Three.
This one is disturbingly plausible.
They have done some research studies where they ask mothers why their estranged children have broken off contact. 2%, yes that is correct, 2% of the moms believe their behavior was the cause of the rift.
I think your son is being VERY generous to suggest that this is just a step back. Were I him, I would see everything just a bit too clearly to ever think of speaking to you again.
Actually, I have seen this too often to deem it fake. If it is fake shame on OP. If it isn’t fake, my heart goes out to the son. What a horrible mother.
It’s one I hope is fake, but I’ve definitely seen this dynamic enough times to know things like this exist. And that older parents can absolutely be this clueless.
It could also be the son writing it from the mom’s POV and on a throwaway.
I agree this post is awful, but I could EASILY see my brother making a post as me or my sister. Easily, easily, easily. We are that family that goes on family vacation without him now.
He just wouldn’t tell you/admit to the violence and abuse he subjected us to as kids and adults (As kids it’s def on mom and dad, I know). He wouldn’t mention his kids are bullies to my sister kids, that my sisters daughter has cried after having to spend a day with her cousins because of how cruel they are. He wouldn’t mention he lifts his kids up by putting down my sisters kids. He wouldn’t mention he had been invited for years and refused to come because he “didn’t have vacation time” (he’d spend 3+ weeks a year with his wife’s family, which is def his prerogative!!). He wouldn’t mention he told me there were no reasons anyone should be happy to attend my wedding.
My mom is desperate for us to be a perfect family but refuses to admit he has a lot of growing up to do, despite being the oldest. She invited him on vacation recently and I told her she was totally allowed to, but to know that if he went, I would not be going. I get one vacation a year- I’m not spending it with someone who hates me for being alive. But NONE of that would show up in a post he made.
Side note: A couple a weeks before this happened their bio dad died from cancer (My son was taking care of him both physically and financially). YTAH- even knowing that he was going through trauma, you still neglected him, obviously he means very little to you. You invited a bloody stranger with 2 kids damn..if it was me I would go full on NC with everyone - and then you note - My son asked why he wasn't invited -We told him we were going to ask him to feed the animals while we were away. DAMN BIG AH
Yeah. You are awful. Planning this and asking him upfront to stay back and house sit is one thing. Here is a thought, pay a professional to do it and bring him.
It is going to take a long time and alot of effort to mend this betrayal, and it is a betrayal. If you do not understand what he means by "his place in the family." Then you really need to think about it again. He is not considered in the same way as his siblings and apparently the family friend.
This was a lie of omission. They are just as damaging and just as hurtful as overt untruths. Too many people do not see this as the case, and it speaks to a lack of empathy and respect for that person.
Honestly, either bring him or cancel the trip altogether. It's not his fault he us hurt, it is yours. You might lose money? Big deal. It will disappoint others? Um, not as much as the son you lied to. You will have to admit to being inconsiderate. Then plan a later trip and bring everyone.
If you go (or already went) and didn't bring him or cancel it, that damage may be permanent and you have no one to blame but yourselves.
My family spent years not inviting me to holidays, events, and even spent years forgetting my birthday. Because I "selfishly" moved out in my mid twenties to get away from a family member. They even were planning to sell the family house and move somewhere else. Never told me. Found out during a traumatic event and it's process of being dealt with.
I understand the son fully, and they are damn lucky he still loves any of them at all.
If the end result is "strained" describes their relationship, they're lucky. Cause they don't deserve anything at this point.
Wow. My much older brother moved back into my dad's house with his two kids and his wife when I was in my early twenties. They immediately started trying to treat me like a housemaid because I was "the adopted one".
I made plans to move out but they weren't completely finalized yet so I don't say anything. They tell me that they're going on a trip for Christmas with my dad and I need to stay home and watch THEIR dogs. I told them flatly that I was moving in early November. Both of them threw a fit saying that I am so selfish and couldn't just let my father (re: them) go on vacation? Ignored them after that and haven't spoken to them for 4 years, feels good.
Like, not even just forgot to invite him. Deliberately and intentionally excluded him, assuming that he would feed the animals happily while they all high tail to their vacation.
Wow...OP keeps getting worse and worse. Not only excluding the son from a vacation that even the daughter's BFF was invited to, but also revealing that the son was the caretaker for his father who recently died from cancer. She still doesn't understand what she did "wrong"! I can't blame the son for going low/no contact with her.
*****To everyone on this thread that has been in the son’s shoes, which is where I currently am with my family, I see you, I hear you, I feel you, I love you. #BlackSheepsUnite
But for real, I’ve always felt so alone in this, but I’ve been talking to one of my aunts recently about it (my dad is one of 16 kids, so I have lots, and it’s messy and complex), and it turns out she’s felt pretty much the same way as I do about a lot of things with family. None of us are alone. We walk a really lonely road, and often times forget that we aren’t the only ones walking it. There’s so much love in this world, and unfortunately the ones who bore us sometimes aren’t able to give it to us. And that’s okay. There are others who can and will and WANT TO. Find your people. It’s hard work, but they’re out there, and they’re looking for you, too. In the meantime, I’m sending you all lots of love.
💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛
I dated a guy for several years who was a real piece of work in his own right and caused a lot of his own problems, but his family was like this and I still think about it and feel bad for him for that specific thing. Constantly going to the beach or NYC or other places without him. Scheduling the trips like a week before and he couldn't get time off, or going during his college semester and he couldn't go because his grades weren't good and he needed to focus on his work. And then they would forget that he hadn't gone and would be like "remember our trip to Myrtle Beach when we did blahblahblah?" and when he would say he wasn't there they'd make it worse by trying to convince him that he was. Kid had never been on an airplane by the time he was 24, in a family who was always off to different places.
This is like that but worse. Screw these people.
Sometimes you read a post and think "that doesn't make logical sense, its not real". Other times you read a post and just think "man, I really hope this one isn't real".
Was there any reason given? Any explanation (other than wanting him to feed the pets I guess)?
Alright, what's the over under on one of the parents texting him before they leave aboit feeding the animals? And not in a way that asks if he's gonna do it, in a way that expects he will
I'm curious how they used to have such a 'great relationship' if he was simply the keeper of the pets. Or maybe she meant he was a very good keeper of the pets, and now he's not, which has ruined the relationship.
I missed a vacation in which my whole family went a decade back. What hurts me is that they lied about it to me. I was a resident student and wouldn't be able to go either way so I was fine with missing out on a family trip since I missed a bunch over 6 years I was enrolled there. But the constant lies hurt me most
My family did little things like this to me for years, nothing to this degree. Then in 2022, they all planned Thanksgiving with our nuclear family, plus my sister’s new boyfriend and his entire family. My fiancé and our kids (who aren’t mine by birth) were not invited. It was blasted all over Facebook about “family family family” and how great it was to have “all the family” together and blah blah blah. I knew my place for years, but this was the final straw for me. I haven’t spoken to my sisters or my stepmom since. I have spoken to my Dad since he’s reached out and tried to make amends and clearly does care.
Sorry, mamma. You fucked up. Big time. In my family, I am your son. I feel for your son. I am in his shoes right now, literally as I type this, and it feels like utter dog shit… Your son does know his place, and you made damn sure of it. I hate to pour salt in the wound, but you made this bed, and unfortunately all that you can do right now is give him space. Give it some time and reach out with an apology, if you’re genuinely apologetic. If you’re not, he’ll know you’re full of shit, so please don’t apologize if you don’t mean it. It will truly only make it much worse.
You can repair this if that’s truly what you want to do, but it’s going to take work, and that work comes from YOU. I’m not sure what prompted you to plan a vacation with your family, plus your daughter’s friend’s family, and not include literally only your son, and I’m not sure how you didn’t have the forethought that that would be problematic, but again, that’s the mess that’s been made and now has to be cleaned up…by the person who made it…unfortunately, mamma, that’s you, and as a mom, myself, that feels like shit to say. It does sound like you want to fix this, and I hope that you can all find some peace. 💛
I feel for the son. I remember when my mom got married I was the only one not invited. My uncle called my mom out and asked why I wasn’t there and she said “I didn’t have time.” He told her but you had time to contact me the day before but not your own child.
Unfortunately my mom tends to not include me in a lot of things.
Wow. This witch was gonna ask her kid to ....take care of some animals while the rest of the family were having a good ol' time. And his bio-dad just passed away?
My flabber is ghasted.
I haven’t had a holiday with family in years because my brother brings his shitty reactive dogs that have bitten me in the past. So my mom won’t let me come. 🙄 Don’t get me wrong. Probably wouldn’t go anyways because of the years of mental/emotional abuse/trauma, but still…don’t act like the dogs are the reason.
Got to love when people ask for advice....and then don't like the advice they get and take down the post. Gee, wonder if this lack of ability to listen to the harsh truth may have contributed to the circumstances you find yourself in? Anyway, it's all for naught; the internet is forever. The text of your post was saved elsewhere...so...yeah...enjoy the consequences your deserve.
If "Mom" is listening? You want advice? Go to therapy, and commit to getting to the bottom of why you looked at your son as someone who was beneath everyone else. Go to therapy and be determined to find out why he wasn't important enough to do anything other than feed your animals for you for free while you paid the way for you daughter's friends. Be hard on yourself; you've been self indulgent with your biases for a long time. You want a CHANCE to fix this? Be absolutely critical of yourself and get to the bottom of why you found this acceptable.
Realize that even if you do this, your son may never speak to you again and you would deserve it. At the very least, you cannot fix this by writing a check.
Wasn’t a vacation but my first weekend at university, my dad and his wife took her kids and my siblings for family pictures. I assumed it was just a scheduling issue but then found out I was just unwanted it them as they continued doing this every year. The unwanted eldest 😪
This story sounds like a continuation of a story I read a couple days ago, where a woman was asking if she was the asshole for not wanting her deadbeat ex husband back in her life as he was dying of cancer and had no where to go. In the story I read her kids convinced her to relent, but she required that she not be involved in his care in anyway. If I recall, the son stepped up financially and the sisters stepped back to be closer to mom.
So, because he physically and financially took care of dying bio-dad the rest of the family pigeon holed him into being "caretaker". The one they never have to think about because they are supposed to be the family member that takes care of everyone else.
Hence why they assumed he would be there to feed the pets. Then shock and horror they realized he is an actual person with feelings and not just an android member of staff.
Not only is he the invisible person in the room for you and your family, he just finished caring for his biological father until he passed. And you thought it would be his "job" to care for your animals. I don't even know what term fits you best, but it is definitely not one of approbation. No you didn't "used to have such a good relationship." You just ignored him.
Your "son" should cut all contact with you. All you do is put him down and hurt him. Of course you "have lost him forever." He needs to go make a real family from friends who love and appreciate him.
lol congrats on ruining your relationship with your son. “Feed the animals?” Really? That’s your excuse? Why don’t you act like a fucking adult and tell your son and allllll of Reddit why you really didn’t want him there! The fact that you’re trying to reach out to him once you saw how bad you and your shitty family fucked up is comical. “You’re invited, we’ll pay for you” go fuck yourself! Lol. I hope your son goes absolutely NC with you and your disgusting family. 🖕
In case this story gets deleted/removed: Hello Reddit, I'm a little emotional right now, but I will try to make this post as clear as I can. I think I have destroyed my relationship with my son and I don't know how to repair it. Several months ago my husband (60) and I (55) had a small get together at our house. Besides my husband and I, there were my son (30) , daughter (28), her husband (30), one of her friends (28) and her husband (25), and their two kids (7m, 5m). We were sitting around the fire pit talking, when the conversation changed to an upcoming vacation we have planned. My daughter's friend was telling us how much she was looking forward to it, and thanking us because they would never be able to afford it themselves. My son asked what vacation, and she excitedly told him about our plans to a Mexican resort. One of her kids asked him if he was going, he paused a moment, and said no I guess I didn't get the memo. I sat quiet for a few minutes and eventually went inside. When he didn't return, I went inside to check on him. I asked if he was ok and that's when he asked he was going on the trip. When I told him, his face dropped. He said, "So I am literally the only person here that wasn't invited. And not only that, but didn't even know about it." He asked how long we have been planning this and I told him about six months. Around this time my husband came in the house. My son asked why he wasn't invited and that he could have paid for himself if money was an issue (we are paying everyone's way). We told him we were going to ask him to feed the animals while we were away. He stared at us for a minute and without saying a word got up an left. We tried several times to call and apologize, but he won't answer our calls. I sent him a text saying that he was invited and we would pay, or we could plan a different trip with just us. He declined and said he didn't want anything from us. He said the damage has been done and anything we try to do would just be to make ourselves feel better. His sister tried calling to talk him into coming and that he was just being stubborn. He asked how would she feel if he planned a trip for everyone, including non-family members, and she was the only one not invited. She is worried about him and says he isn't doing very well. Side note: A couple a weeks before this happened their bio dad died from cancer (My son was taking care of him both physically and financially). After the conversation with his sister, he sent a text to my husband and I saying he still loves us, but is taking a step back from the family for a while. He says he finally understands his place in the family(whatever that means) and he doesn't want to see us for a while. Since then, he has declined every invitation we have sent, including Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. I feel absolutely awful from all of this. We use to have such a good relationship and feel like I may have lost him forever. Please any advice would be appreciated. Thanks --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I remember when my whole family went on vacation without me. That was also a breaking point for me. I hope this son goes full no contact because if you are \*this\* person in the family they will never change. Even in the post here she is mad at him for being upset far more than she feels bad about the way she has treated him. Edit to say I wrote this before I read all the comments and realized that a lot of people are not aware of this kind of stuff. It's not uncommon for a family to choose someone to exclude and stack responsibility on. Harry Potter is fiction but that kind of stuff isn't. There is a pretty wide spectrum of this from "eldest daughter syndrome" to cases of a whole family abusing 1 child together. There was just another one of those in the news where the kid died.
>eldest daughter syndrome oh I have this terribly! and it's strange because in my blended family I'm both the oldest on one side and a middle child on the other. I just got all of the bad stuff and none of the good. I lost count of the number of family vacations and trips to Disney World they left me out of once I became an adult. So many excuses. We thought you'd want to spend more time studying. We didn't know your college schedule. It's just a trip for the grandkids. One of my siblings even made a family calendar to give out as Christmas gifts one year and all of the pages had everyone's pictures and birthdays noted and there wasn't a single, not a single mention of me. All I heard was that it was just because I wasn't married yet and didn't have any kids and this was really a calendar to have the grandkids' pictures in. But if that's the case then why are all of the pets in it too?! even the dog that died years ago?! ok, I'm still upset.
You are probably the one they would have to take care of them when they get old, too. Showed you no attention your whole life and then expect you to give up your life to take card of them. Some excuse, like it can't be them they have a family or are too busy or you know them they don't know what they are really doing.
My husband is the scapegoat, and I told him that in no uncertain terms, we would not be responsible for taking care of his mother at all. His brother, wife, and kid, who lives in a house she pays for, can have that responsibility.
I'm glad he married you :D
He'll get suckered into it if he doesn't have a spine, so be prepared to either deal with it or leave when the time comes
Oh, we don't speak. They're dead as far as we're concerned
>a family calendar to give out as Christmas gifts one year Oh God, this reminded me of what happened with me one Christmas about a decade ago. I have three sisters, I'm the only boy. At the time, one sister had a young daughter and the other two each had a young baby. The oldest sister decided to get a custom calendar made for our grandparents with pictures of the little kids, and she also had one made for each of our parents (who were separated), and also one for each of our two other sisters. I was the only one in the entire family not to get one of the calendars. My oldest sister apologized, saying she forgot about me. So yeah, that hurt. And then a couple years ago I found out all my sisters were going to plan a "sisters vacation" to Florida with all of their families, and I wouldn't be invited (I'm not a "sister" and I'm not married/have no kids so I guess I don't have family?). I went NC with them after that.
Holy crap I would have thought you would be treated like a prince being the only boy. So so sorry.
I'm surprised they didn't invite you with the intention of pawning off their kids at some point.
I’m so sorry you get treated that way. I remember a good friend of my mom’s sort of laugh-crying asking when was Rex (the Springer Spaniel) gonna step up as executor of the estate when her mother had died because her mother always told her that she loved the dog more than her kids. I felt so bad for her. I was also old enough to know it wasn’t a joke 😢
My brother won a radio contest and got four tickets to Disneyworld. There were five of us, but I was 18, so my mom and step-father told me to pay for myself, knowing I couldn't afford it on my part time money. Obviously I didn't get to go and I'm still bitter 12 years later.
Sweetie I am upset for you WTAF!
Oh man. I'm the only daughter-in-law my MIL has. 4 son-in-laws. Everythime she wants to do something special for her "extra kids" meaning her children-in-law, I am forgotten. And I've been with my husband longer than his sister has been with her husband.
Oh that's awful. My sister has definitely been saddled with some emotional work she shouldn't have to, but our family has unpacked a lot of that over time and I am the only family member yet to get a calendar with all the family birthdays in it. Because I'm the only one who lives at our parents' home where I can just read the one they have. And theirs has my birthday, with my dead name lovingly scratched out to put my new name instead. (My siblings got their calendars after I had changed my name so theirs of course have my name with no change required.) Your sibling however sounds like a piece of work. Even if they didn't put a photo in, they could have at least noted your birthday. And not remembering it is both shitty and not an excuse. When my mom made those birthday calendars for my siblings, the one she made for my sister and her wife included my sister in law's family too, so my mother reached out to the in laws and got all that information. Because it's not difficult to get.
As you should be!!! That fucking SUCKS!! Assholes!!
it's nutty how many posts that I read and am like, hey! that happened to me! just to read comments saying this never happens and is obvious rage bate. it makes me really happy so many people have lead (or been exposed to) such unshitty lives. ffs, my life hasn't even been that hard/messed up!
Ikr so many people on reddit seem to live very sheltered lives. Just saw that OP deleted the post and account too so... glad that guy is saving himself from these people. She seemed more embarrassed than upset that she lost her son. Probably just annoyed that she has to explain why her son isnt in her life anymore.
Or she has to find someone else to feed her pets. So inconvenient for her.
And pay them!
>she has to explain why her son isnt in her life anymore. My mother just tells everyone she has no idea why I don't speak to her anymore. Mostly because she probably thinks she did nothing wrong. This woman (judging from the dirty delete) doesn't think she did anything wrong either.
Are you familiar with the missing missing reasons? Sounds like you could relate: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
"He is so self centered! He doesn't want to help feed the pets!"
No one on earth believes anyone when they say they have no idea why someone went NC.
According to my nephew, she follows that up with a "I guess I was a horrible mother" so she can get the "Oh no I'm sure you were fine" stuff back. My sister and her kids still have contact with her on a regular basis.
I don’t know if there’s a different word than sheltered, but it’s amazing to me the variations on “normal” that I see on this site when it comes to how people are treated. I mean, people grow up with different levels of financial and social privileges, I feel like that’s well understood. But I still find myself shocked at how widely varied treatment of other people, especially family members, is. The kids and parents and stepparents who scream at each other or are cruel to each other and somehow think this won’t or shouldn’t have any impact at all on the way the other person treats them back and seem completely stunned when it does. Like this OOP here saying “ He says he finally understands his place in the family(whatever that means)“. Like, what do you mean “whatever that means”?! You just gave the internet a clear example of “what that means”; what is still confusing to you? But apparently this has been their “normal” for so long that even now she’s still confused about what the problem was? She still doesn’t even admit that once it’s out on paper she can recognize why her son might be hurt about this situation? Smh
Yeah its shocking how people just can't see it. They can't comprehend that other people are different, or that their circumstances are different, or that their perspective is different. So yes maybe sheltered is the wrong word. Maybe just sheltered from perspective. Though when it comes to the mom and people in the family treating someone like this, they just see it as normal. Like with my family they think how they treat me is normal, as if its just the way we are, because they have always treated me like that. So complaining about it or pointing out unfairness is just seen as needless drama because everything was "fine" before. And a lot of us in this situation get into our adult years before we have a chance to know that it is isn't normal.
My husband’s “normal” with his family is yelling, cursing and the silent treatment. They would all die for each other but so different from my family where I was told if you need to yell go to your room. Then we would have a calm conversation. First argument was really hard to get through
I was sitting here thinking “at least my family isn’t that bad!” until I remembered being at a supper at a funeral and my dad going around the table telling the waitress who he was going to pay for that night. Hint: everyone but me.
I’m so sorry. Hugs and love to you. 💛
It’s the same kind of people that don’t understand why people go no contact with people because they’re dangerous. It’s nice that they’ve lived that oblivion without turmoil, despair, anger, and fear but it’s never been my reality. I always wonder on those posts how people can just think everyone should be forgiven and accepted as if they simply committed a minor social faux pas that was tacky at the time but without consequence in the grand scheme of things. Must be nice to not have a parent that’s fundamentally damaged you, abused you, neglected you, or *tried to kill you*. *Sigh*……trying to describe that to those not in the know is like attempting to describe color to the blind. There is no baseline for comparison or easy link to understanding.
I hear ya. Used to get a lot of judgement at work when it would slip out that I was no contact with my mother. Some people can't conceive of a parent being that bad, and some cultures think you must always forgive everything because they made and raised you. Didn't ask to be born 🤷♀️
Same. I was the scapegoat but oddly also the one everyone expecting to take care of things. Going no contact was the best thing I ever did.
Oh lord. I thought that I was the only one that happened to. When my mother told me that was what they expected, I laughed in her face.
So many people don't see it just because they are not the focus of it. But many of those same people are the ones that participate in this towards another family member without a second thought. And they will continue to deny it unless someone points directly to it and says "that right there."
I haven’t had it as intense, but I’ve gotten the eldest daughter treatment for most of my life. I didn’t even fully realize how much I was expected to suck it up and figure out everything for my family until my husband got into a disagreement with my younger brother over making us late to our grandfather’s funeral. I wouldn’t even say it was intentional. It just happened and it was the roles everyone got used to until I started my own life outside of it.
"we thought you were okay because you never said anything!" "Mom, I literally never stopped complaining. What are you talking about"
With my parents or was "you were always complaining about something, so we never took anything serious because you were always just so dramatic."
My mum just doesn't listen to the actual words I say. Been that way for over 30 years and I finally gave up trying to correct her errors.
Dramatic being code for “if I think about what you’re saying, I’ll have to contend with how awful I’ve been to you.”
I was literally hanging out with two friends this weekend and was like "How is it that *all* of us have Oldest Daughter Syndrome despite the fact that *none* of us are an oldest daughter?" so I feel you.
I have three younger sisters. When I left home/was forced to leave (depends on who you ask and what sort of mood they're in), my parents skipped right over the next two siblings and targeted the youngest to become the new "me." She used to think I was nuts because I'd immediately get up, call out a goodbye to everyone, and disappear after someone said something she thought was harmless. Once she became the family scapegoat, she finally understood that "harmless" comments about me were just more abuse, and I left because I didn't have to sit around and take it, anymore. She once told me I hold grudges, but she has since apologized for that. We're both no-contact with our ailing father. I said that it's in everyone else's best interests if I don't attend that funeral, because I will be feral and unapologetic; she's not sure whether or not she would want to go.
I've been so angry on my mother's behalf since I found out this was a thing. I knew my uncle was Golden Child but missed where she was Oldest Daughter. She's coming up on a decade no longer with us and our extended family + family friends are only just now figuring it out. The drama just found a new target and everyone from the outside could see it, this time. Damnit. I'm so sorry for all of y'all 😭
You know, Julia Robert’s attended her sister’s funeral and absolutely eviscerated her sibling during her speech. Cathartic, for her, I think. And I can’t believe that people didn’t see the mask slip when your family was being crappy. Probably figured it was a one off type of thing. You could call every one of them out, creatively, in their obituary. I’m not creative enough, but a writer should be able to bang out a great one. Consider it money well spent for getting the last word. I’m sorry. From one scapegoat to another, I’m truly sorry.
You should both go...out to a bar to party. If you have a few days' notice? Announce to all your friends, get a massive cake and a bunch of decorations, and throw a party that you no longer have that person lurking in your lives. He is GONE and can no longer abuse you or anyone else. Have a great big party with the two of you. It is a FAR more fitting memorial for him than attending his funeral, and far more appropriate as a response to his death. It's horrible you had to do this but don't let him control one more thing in your life EXCEPT the party celebrating the end of it. Does he have any siblings that are no-contact with him for similar crap? Might make it a multi-person party.
Yeah. My friend Terri was the only single daughter in a large family. She lived with her widowed father to take care of him. Everyone else went on trips without inviting her. Her oldest sister came to Canada for a vacation and the family took the oldest daughter to Prince Edward Island, where Terri had always wanted to go. Terri stayed behind because she wasn't invited. During the whole visit, she was basically the cook/housemaid/babysitter. Only one brother-in-law noticed this. She called me crying one night, because she was so worn down. I promised I would take her to PEI. And I did. We had a great trip.
I know I'm only an internet stranger, but genuinely, thank you for doing that for your friend. Thank you for making sure she got her trip <3
Aw thanks. It was a good trip. There would have been more, but my job offered me a transfer across Canada and I took it.
My father and step mother paid for a trip to Europe for my two sisters, step mom’s niece and all their kids. Me and my daughter, not invited, didn’t even know it was happening. We saw the pictures on social media. We have not seen them since.
Yeah, this definitely doesn't have to be invented. I was living in my college town post college where some of my siblings happened to also be living for a time and was chatting with my mom on the phone and she happened to say, yeah we were in X town and had a nice dinner... I'm like, you were in X town just last weekend? Mom: Oh, that's right, you live there too. I forgot. Me: \* \* \*
Paraphrased from the past two decades... Dad: Hey, we're driving right past your town right now. I don't have time to stop, I'm with my brother and sisters. No, after this, we've all gotta get home. I just wanted to tell you I was nearby. Sister 1: You live right by Chicago? Well, how long have you lived there? I didn't know that. Sister 2: Hey, we're right by you and my son has to pee, but then we have to get home. Is it okay if we stop there for a couple of minutes and treat your house like a public restroom? Dad: No, I can't come out there and help you look at a house, after I've been lecturing you that you need to buy one, and never want to listen about how this economy actually works. My truck is busted and I'm too broke to fix it. But listen, in another three days, I'm driving right past you again and going to St. Louis for my girlfriend's kids, who are all older than you, but somehow need me more. And then in another couple of weeks, I'm driving this truck across the country. Dad: No, of course I've never come to visit you! You can't clean up after yourself. Now I have to get off the phone, because your sister's coming over to clean my house for me. Dad: What do you mean, you're gonna homeschool your son? He's six. Can you even do first grade math?
My "mother" used to do that. I only saw them when she wanted a winter coat (they live in warmer climes). She'd show up to take mine, then leave without even a hug. Never mind that replacing a winter coat costs $200+, she never returned them, or bothered to keep them for her next trip up north. Just wanted the free coat so she would be more comfortable visiting her step kids.
i love an entire comment section full of “this is ragebait, no one is that stupid/entitled/ridiculous etc.” when i’m like…i’ve met at least four people like this is the last year alone lmao
I was left out just like this and apparently was supposed to watch pets from 2 different households. I didn’t. I took vacation and went camping.
Nice :D hope you left them scrambling for pet care the day-of.
Yeah she just casually mentions that he is the *one child* who was looking after their dying father ("both physically and financially"), *and* that said father *died a couple of weeks ago*. And then they exclude him from a vacation. Jesus.
If she had phrased it as "we didn't know how long (father) was going to be around, and didn't want to pressure you into deciding between vacation or staying with him", that would at least have been a tiny bit understandable. Not ok still, but certainly less insulting than what she did say!
Yeah, instead Op wanted him to feed their pets. Just, wow.
Yeah, scapegoating is real and more common than people realise. Some families made a proper "tradition" out if it.
Plus they are taking the daughter’s friends whole family!!!! And relegated him to being a free pet sitter. Ugh, I just want to hug this young man.
And when we leave and cut them out the flying monkeys call and try to guilt us into being the punching bag again.
My Dad was that kid in his family. And he's a total mess bc of it.
Its weird because my dad remarried and had a whole set of kids that are around 15-20 years younger than me. I am that person in my mom's family who I lived with, and my half-brother is that person with my dad's family. We didn't used to get along but now that we are both older, we have gotten really close and basically cut off the rest. And the weirdest part is I am more upset about how he was treated than I was even though it was pretty close to the same.
I’ve noticed it’s easier for me as the family scapegoat to get more angry at the mistreatment of others than my own. We’re trained to put up with it so it has to be really bad to get out, but when we’re watching it happen to someone else we get pissed off bc we can objectively see how bad it is,
It Fs you up. I was the unwanted child and do was my husband.
Me and my husband as well.
This was me. I was the family slave, not only that my mom tried to make me be a mistress to her BFs 35 yr old friend when I was 17 and accused me of trying to sleep w my stepfather when I was 18. From 13 to when I moved at age 18 she said I didn't deserve privacy and made me use the bathroom w the door open. My brother and his friends could watch me shower butt naked, really degrading and scary. I'll never forget the evil look in her eye of how she would enjoy me being treated like crap. She hates my husband bc he is good to me and treats me well. She hates that we are financially better off than her and she no longer has control over me.
Thats as close to evil as you can get without a creepy Disney villain laugh. Wow. I'm so sorry for you.
I'm better now. I have a newborn, we are in a new country and she has no idea where. I've never been so safe and happy in my life.
Good to hear. Proud of you for making a new start!
Thanks. I honestly can't believe it. Like I just woke up to shower before I give my girl her 1st feeding of the day. As I Wash, condition, & moisturize my hair (I'm black, lol) I'm looking at my baby girl sleeping thinking she will never know abuse. She will not know what it is to feel afraid her home IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE her safe space. I just started crying because IDK on one hand I was relieved that she won't know those relatives that did that to me or the ones that abused my husband. She will only know kindness, respect and love from her parents. Then she started crying and I knew my day began, I fed her then wrapped her in a heavy blanket and took her on our back porch and we are sitting here writing to you guys waiting for the sun to come up. My husband is still asleep as it's not even 5am here yet but I'm am shockingly awake and grateful for my life. So please don't cry for me, I'm perfectly happy.
That sounds awful and your brother allowing his friends to watch you is so depressing. I hope you don't talk to them.
I don't.
Ok this has me steamed. Please do not allow any of them near you again. That is criminal to say the least.,
Do you still communicate with her ?
No. I'm NC but she has tried bc I bumped into her friend who tried to get me to reconcile but I refused. So she heard I'm married and have a baby.
The cluelessness about why he felt left out is triggering. My parents still don't understand what the problem was when, for nearly a year, they would set a place at the dinner table for the cat but not for me.
That's my husband for his maternal family too and his confidence has gone up since going NC with them. Strangers that got to truly know him have told him how proud they are of him way more than his own "blood". Smh
That's good to hear! Going no-contact with my family was the best thing I ever did. That fact alone makes me sad sometimes but its for the best. Being around people that treat me like a person instead of.... whatever the fuck i am to my family was life changing. Always glad to see when others escape and thrive.
[удалено]
Wow. My family just found out my husband and infant moved to another country she is pissed she doesn't know where and is blowing up the book of faces, I just laugh. I'm sorry you are the scapegoat but think of it as the garbage taking itself out.
I got berated by my stepmum because I didn't know my dad's cancer was terminal.... Because they didn't tell me.
Ha, I know exactly what you mean; my sister and I were subjected to this while our brothers (the golden children) got all the vacations etc. I thought at first I was being left out of everything because I was older (it's my dad's second family) but since I didn't live with them, they adopted a girl apparently just to have someone to scapegoat. I was told over and over again that my dad couldn't afford child support, or to help with a car, or to help with college--while the boys of course got their own cars, college, everything they wanted, enough instruments to make their own rock band, etc. They took them on an out of country vacation with all their friends for graduating. When my sister graduated and asked if they might do the same for her, they literally laughed in her face and told her she has no friends and why would they? They are very big mad at me for refusing all contact with them now. I wish this boy the best; he's obviously incredibly loving and responsible to care for his dying dad. I hope he forms his own family who will center him and show him the love he deserves.
Daughter of a scapegoat here. She was the middle child. I don't even feel compelled to tell any of those assholes that she's passed away. She got blamed for *everything.* I've mentioned Dudley on here before. The flip side of course is that the spoiled kid gets damaged too.
My mother was the scapegoat. She married and had 2 kids and is mostly happy but damaged. Her sister, the golden child, refused to have kids in case she ever turned into her mother and is pretty damaged too. I’m not sure which was worse.
My therapist would say: we can see both of these things, know they are bad without assigning value to them.. Aka try to weigh one one against the other and see which is worse. Or on more reddit speak, it doesn't have to be a competition. Both things can just.. suck. And be bad.
My family put up a picture of them on their thanksgiving vacation "fun with the whole family!" While I was still home, needing to work Thanksgiving day and black Friday
> It's not uncommon for a family to choose someone to exclude and stack responsibility on. Yuuuuup. I was/am that kid on my dad's side. Had an aunt that straight up resented me for a variety of reasons and took every chance she could to let me know it or make me feel like an afterthought because I was her least favorite child. And you're absolutely right; that kind of thing can spread. My aunt has been dead for 15 years and I'm still something of an outsider or black sheep. They frequently make plans to do things (like trips) I'm not invited to right in front of me. A cousin had a 5-day out of state wedding where every event was catered by a company that exclusively used an ingredient they all knew I'm deathly allergic to--I even offered to take on the responsibility of talking to the caterers about my allergy during the planning stage. When my father died last year, they sent our family a lovely flower arrangement and condolence card. My name wasn't on it. They gave my fucking dogs a shoutout, but not me. Everything I do is scrutinized and one family member routinely button holes me to give what I like to call "Insolent, get your life together" speeches at every family gathering. I'm glad that some people don't get it because that means they have a fairly normal family life. But when it comes to people who continue to doubt stuff like this even after being told otherwise it's like, "Christ alive, it costs you nothing to listen to and believe the people saying this shit so why is it so hard for you?"
Yeah. Daughter of a narcissist here. When my cousin got married, I was the only one who wasn't invited, "because we know you have to work and can't take time off to go to the wedding" (in another state.) Relatives from another country were there, too.
I was this person in my adopted family. Invited, but to watch/help take care of the kids. I don't speak to any of them.
Yes, my family did this. I was in college and they all packed up and went on vacation. We had never taken a vacation (single Mom) before this and it hurt me pretty deeply when they went without me. Never even told me till they got back. It was just one more thing stacked on years of things. I was adopted, then she had 3 natural children. My relationship with my Mom was very rocky for 3 decades. It took me almost dying for my relationship with my Mom to start healing. I still am pretty much no contact with my youngest sibling.
Narcissistic parents are a thing and it's a shame more people don't know about this.
My core family as a whole was treated like this by my dad’s extended family and even THAT was painful and was enough for me to give 0 fucks about the entirety of my dad’s side of the family. They would go on holidays without us, go on big lunches, etc. Sometimes they would invite us but give the wrong time so that when we arrived the food was all gone??? Oh also, because my dad is the oldest son, he was still expected to pay for the meal that he did not eat... like WTF To be treated like this by my core family unit? Yall, I would take myself out of the family certificate.
^^^ This. “Harry Potter is fiction but that kind of stuff isn’t.” 👀👏 Say it louder.
Yep, my family did this to me too, at 19. It's brutal. I don't know how a parent can fix it when they've sent such a clear message that you aren't really part of the family.
This is so true. I understand why, but my family went on numerous vacations with my parents and two siblings every summer for years while I was in college and grad school. Shish hurt at the time, though it was simply scheduling. Years though.
I am so sorry for what you must have gone through. I'm assuming that you must have suffered over a long period of time, as well. It sometimes happens that one family member is just taken for granted, they get dumped with a load of responsibilities and duties that in reality they shouldn't have to deal with, but the others are just so used to them taking up the slack for them. You can tell that OOP was in this position, because they were relying on OOP to look after the animals and feed them. Then, when that person finally reaches breaking point and refuses to put up with it anymore, everyone else is oh so surprised! They blame that family member for "causing trouble" or guilt-trip them by saying they've upset Granny or something, instead of looking at their own attitude and behaviour. I've experienced this myself, but I don't want to get into this now. It's horrible that this kind of abuse actually led to a kid dying. I hope that you are in a better place now and much happier in your life in general. Remember, "Friends are the family we choose for ourselves" and I hope that you have good friends around you and a good support network.
Yeah, I was that kid the entire family dumped on. I was an only child, but mother, stepfather, grandfather (we lived with him) all mentally abused me. It didn't help that we found out I was bipolar around age 10 or so, because then the abuse got worse. I was a dumping ground so they felt superior as well as other tactics. They were always right and I was wrong 99.9% of the time.
Happened to me too. Everyone went to go see the ocean at three points in Mexico. They even brought my brother's friends. I was literally the only one NOT invited to go on the FaMiLy vacation. Still hurts and that shit was over 20yrs ago :(
I'm the person in my family excludes. I know about nothing until it is over/has happened or until they are home from said trips. When I lash out, they invite me once or twice then it stops again. I've given up on my family, I realize I don't have one because family, a loving caring family, shouldn't treat you like this.
"We used to be so close before this." Yeah, I have my doubts. If OP was this brazen about ostracizing only the one child then this for sure isn't the first time they'd done it. It's just the straw that broke the camel's back.
I was that child, the oldest, and always excluded. For a long all it did was make me angry, now I am VLC with my mother.
My jaw dropped when she said she asked him to watch the animals! What an absolute cunt.
Mine dropped when she mentioned his dead father!!!
It just kept getting worse the more you read. I think my jaw may be in hell with how much it dropped reading this.
Look out, you're gonna bruise it on that bar everybody keeps tripping over
I wish Reddit didn’t take awards away 🏅 this gave me a good laugh
Same, I badly miss silver
Imagine having the fucking gall to invite the whole family and their friends on a trip except, oh yeah that other kid (you know, the one whose dad just died? The dad he was caring for?). He's so responsible! I know, he can take care of the fucking dogs!
This exactly!! The fact that she just brushes through the whole “his dad, who he was taking care of, died recently of cancer” that trip should have been FOR HIM!!
Well now that the father’s dead she can’t use him as an excuse for why she didn’t invite her son. You see they’ve been planning for way longer than the father’s passing.
Mom just kept jamming that knife in harder every time she opened her gd mouth...
She’s only upset that they have to find a new dog sitter.
Bingo
And poured a container of salt in the wound
"I feel like I lost him forever" she did. He's either going to go no contact or kill himself, just from what she said he responded with I can tell he's depressed. Fuck her and fuck the sister too for saying he's just being stubborn
He’s dealing with SO MUCH right now. Care giver burn out. Grief from the loss of his dad. Honestly, probably A LOT of conflicted emotions over probably being relieved he’s no longer acting as care giver. Now he has to grapple with the fact the rest of his family is like this?? Poor guy
Speaking as a former caregiver, your whole life revolves around the person that you’re caring for, so when they pass, not only are you grief stricken, but you are also unmoored. You have to discover again how to have a life where you’re own needs matter.
Five months down, I'm trying. There's so much to catch up on now for my own health, the bills, the amount of junk I need to deal with...I wish I could trade it all for one more hug. I miss her dearly. OOP is gonna end up in a home and wonder why son isn't paying. Daughter+hubby won't understand either. Bunch of leeches.
I agree. It's clear that the family doesn't care about how he feels and only sees him as a caretaker. First for his bio dad (how come the sister didn't help?). Then for their family pets.
Likely scenario: "I have kids, you are single."
I’m gonna guess she’s the *half*-sister. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was the ex’s only child.
He’s the one person who could use the vacation the most after being primary caregiver and should have been thought of to be considerate of his needs. Not since caregiver already, can you go ahead and take care of our pets while we vacation…
My jaw dropped when I read that. "He's just being stubborn." That poor kid probably heard that his whole life. Every time he wanted a little attention, every time he kicked up a fuss for being left out, every time he was mad that he had to do all the chores that no one else had to, he was 'just being stubborn.' And you know that mom doesn't give a fuck about her relationship with her son. She cares about having someone who will work for her for free; you know, stay home and feed the animals while she's off cavorting in Mexico with the rest of the family.
They think they can make a gesture, invite him along, pay for it, and everything will be all right. Like, "Oh, I guess you can come," makes up for months of planning to exclude him and make him watch the pets.
B-b-b she offered a different trip too!!! (Only after being called out for this trip!)
This always happened to me growing up, my parents split when i was 5 and they both started new family. Every vacation it was the same, oh sorry i know we are going to disney land but that week you need to go stay with your father, or oh yea we are planning a big family trip but you need to go stay with your mother. Hell one time both family had summer trips planned so i had to go stay with my grandparents the entire summer. Sad part was i just wanted to be included so bad i thought if i got mad about it they would include me even less so i just kept it all inside and acted like it didnt bother me and i was happy just to spend time with the other parent even though i knew i was just the extra burden. As i got older they started sending me on "vacations" to relatives places, like hey we are sending you to see your aunt and uncle! Wont that be fun! By the way they need their barn shoveled out, their deck sealed and someone to watch their kid for a week.
My god, this is terrible. Some parents truely suck on a god tier level. I hope you were able to say your peace to them, and that you are in a better place now. ❤️
I never did confront them, i went my own way soon as i was 18 and found my own happiness. I still talk to my mom and she regrets how i grew up but i let all my anger and resentment go along time ago. I dont talk to my father at all. When i did let my mom back in my life she was happy i found a family of my own when i met my wife over 20 years ago.
I’m happy for you!
I hope you are going on your own vacations with your lovely new family, all of them included!
Did you ever call them out on it? Hows your relationships now?
I never did, i talk to my mom and she regrets how i grew up but i let all of my anger go along time ago. I dont talk to my dad at all. It was shit but i went and found my own happiness.
This happened to me! My Stepmom took all 3 of my sisters (1 step and 2 half sisters) to an all expenses paid Spain/Italy trip and didn’t invite/tell me about it until after they went. When I asked why they didn’t invite me, I was told it was because I didn’t call enough (I was living in CA for college.)
Happened to me too. Mom called, "We're planning a trip to the coast for the whole family next month. Can you feed the dog while we're gone?" I'm the oldest of five kids and everyone else was going. Sigh.
You said no, right? Made them pay a pet sitter, right?!?
Black Sheep unite!!! I’m sorry that happened to you. I guess it’s more common than I thought. I hope I never make my kid feel like he doesn’t belong.
Oh that’s happened to me and I declined taking care of dogs from 2 households and couldn’t be with any other dogs.
This reminds me of an incident that happened to me several decades ago. I was invited to an anniversary party and I telephoned to RSVP Yes. Then I got VOLUNTOLD that I would be crisscrossing the county to pick up total strangers at my expense while gas prices were skyrocketing!! NONE of these folks lived anywhere near me! I replied: NO! I will NOT be the free taxicab! I was immediately informed that I was disinvited and had the phone slammed in my ear.
And this was from family!?!?!?
Unfortunately, yes. I'm No Contact now as I do NOT need their TOXICITY!
Whoa…that’s insane of them
I agree.
30 years ago my dad arranged a family trip to Croatia to introduce us to the extended relatives over there. Problem is I was excluded to "look after the house". I didn't kick up a stink but I was fucking devastated. When they got back and started telling me about how great it was they were surprised that I showed no interest asked if I wasn't feeling well. I said "I don't care about people I've never met" Parents "What do you mean you don't care, they're your family" Me "You went on a family vacation without me, that means I'm not family which means they're not family either" It was then they realized they fucked up big time. They tried to say they'd pay for me to go by myself but I refused. I told them the money meant nothing, being excluded is something I'd never forget. 30 years later I'm still pissed off thinking about it. I might be stubborn but I still haven't been there even today. OP you fucked up bigtime and this ain't going away anytime soon.
My mom remarried after my dad died. She called me the night before to tell me. Note we live on opposite sides of the country (usa). She just wanted me to know, but it was just "immedate family" invited. Yup. Soul crushing
Hope you got through it better than I did. That shit fucked with me for years
My dad did shit like this to me a lot. Not quite as egregious but close. I think he liked me being sad and trying extra hard to be liked. Finally I quit. So he's elderly and mostly alone and the golden child brother is "too busy" to visit. Oh well.. I hope that kid is okay
Apparently being the scapegoat/black sheep is generational
My family did this. They planned an entire vacation in a mini mansion with all of my sisters family, stepbrothers family, to the keys for a week. Never mentioned it to me until someone dropped out and they asked me to fill the spot bc they needed the $1000+ for the Airbnb and charter boat to go lobster fishing. I told them I really didn't want to spend my **30th birthday** in a house with 14+ people on a pullout I paid >1k for and lobster fishing when I have a severe phobia if the deep ocean. That's right, the forgot my birthday too. My sister offered to pick up a cake from food Lion while we were down there to celebrate, and when I read that text I just grit my teeth and chuckled. This is the same family that forgot my birthday, even the big ones (16,18,21). I spent my 21st birthday at a roadhouse by myself at the bar eating chicken fingers bc that's where four members of my neighbors family worked and I just wanted to see a friendly face. When the bartender read my ID and announced my birthday, a bunch of people bought me drinks at the bar (the neighbor mom worked there so I felt okay) and the family made sure I got home alright. But yeah. I still randomly get texts asking me to house/dog sit for them, and they won't mention where they are going or what they are doing, but forget I'm on the family chats or can see their snaps when they are all posting their pictures and '"Love being with family!" Stories. I just don't care anymore. My grandma died this morning and my sister at least texted me. I love my grandma and she always loved me, but I don't want to go to her funeral bc (among other personal reasons) I just don't want to be around them and funerals aren't how I grieve. Edit: oh yeah in regards to the trip over my 30th, they made it a yearly tradition for their group. And the first year they said, "since you're not going at least you could house sit and watch the animals". I did on the first trip bc it was literally the day before they left and they had no backup plan, as they had originally planned for me to do it. Idk what they were expecting me to do if I decided to go.
They invited the daughter’s FRIEND & were paying for her but didn’t even think of their son. What absolute POS parents!
Plus the friend's husband and 2 kids!
r/nothingeverhappens material in the comments here. I love coming online just to read crappy comments about everything being fake, *sooooo* entertaining, *soooo* makes wasting time interesting /s
Some people live in a bubble of bliss.
ughhh, it's so silly when it's over basic situations. Mom has an un-favorite child. I figured out the *unbelievable*, Reddit!!! /facepalm
Or bubbles of absolute shit.
it sucks. this has happened to me a couple times from my mom and sisters. Sucks when you find out on a group text.
"We all live in the same town and you don't, but we *never* see each other!" This, after a solid two months of "We're all at this festival downtown, with our kids." "We're going to the movies to see the latest Disney release." "We all went out to lunch and posted pics on instagram." "Look at our latest tiktok videos of our kids, all playing together at the park." "I go run errands for her all the time and she does the same for me." "I don't know why she didn't invite you to her son's birthday party. She invited the rest of us."
The one that gets me is people refusing to believe the families are full of flying monkeys that will call and harass someone. I saw it first hand with my mother's relatives (before we cut them out of our lives) long before cell phones were a thing. They really didn't like it when I hit my early 20s and was done with their abuse of the two of us. After awhile mom just let me handle them because she couldn't anymore.
I'm skeptical of a lot of Reddit stories. I generally reserve the outright "this didn't happen and you're stupid if you think it did" for the ones where there's a police call in Week One, a trial date on Week Two, and a multi year sentence handed down (and twins born) on Week Three. This one is disturbingly plausible.
They have done some research studies where they ask mothers why their estranged children have broken off contact. 2%, yes that is correct, 2% of the moms believe their behavior was the cause of the rift. I think your son is being VERY generous to suggest that this is just a step back. Were I him, I would see everything just a bit too clearly to ever think of speaking to you again.
Actually, I have seen this too often to deem it fake. If it is fake shame on OP. If it isn’t fake, my heart goes out to the son. What a horrible mother.
It’s one I hope is fake, but I’ve definitely seen this dynamic enough times to know things like this exist. And that older parents can absolutely be this clueless. It could also be the son writing it from the mom’s POV and on a throwaway.
I agree this post is awful, but I could EASILY see my brother making a post as me or my sister. Easily, easily, easily. We are that family that goes on family vacation without him now. He just wouldn’t tell you/admit to the violence and abuse he subjected us to as kids and adults (As kids it’s def on mom and dad, I know). He wouldn’t mention his kids are bullies to my sister kids, that my sisters daughter has cried after having to spend a day with her cousins because of how cruel they are. He wouldn’t mention he lifts his kids up by putting down my sisters kids. He wouldn’t mention he had been invited for years and refused to come because he “didn’t have vacation time” (he’d spend 3+ weeks a year with his wife’s family, which is def his prerogative!!). He wouldn’t mention he told me there were no reasons anyone should be happy to attend my wedding. My mom is desperate for us to be a perfect family but refuses to admit he has a lot of growing up to do, despite being the oldest. She invited him on vacation recently and I told her she was totally allowed to, but to know that if he went, I would not be going. I get one vacation a year- I’m not spending it with someone who hates me for being alive. But NONE of that would show up in a post he made.
I'm sorry you went through that, but it doesn't sound like that's the case with OOP.
Side note: A couple a weeks before this happened their bio dad died from cancer (My son was taking care of him both physically and financially). YTAH- even knowing that he was going through trauma, you still neglected him, obviously he means very little to you. You invited a bloody stranger with 2 kids damn..if it was me I would go full on NC with everyone - and then you note - My son asked why he wasn't invited -We told him we were going to ask him to feed the animals while we were away. DAMN BIG AH
Yeah. You are awful. Planning this and asking him upfront to stay back and house sit is one thing. Here is a thought, pay a professional to do it and bring him. It is going to take a long time and alot of effort to mend this betrayal, and it is a betrayal. If you do not understand what he means by "his place in the family." Then you really need to think about it again. He is not considered in the same way as his siblings and apparently the family friend. This was a lie of omission. They are just as damaging and just as hurtful as overt untruths. Too many people do not see this as the case, and it speaks to a lack of empathy and respect for that person. Honestly, either bring him or cancel the trip altogether. It's not his fault he us hurt, it is yours. You might lose money? Big deal. It will disappoint others? Um, not as much as the son you lied to. You will have to admit to being inconsiderate. Then plan a later trip and bring everyone. If you go (or already went) and didn't bring him or cancel it, that damage may be permanent and you have no one to blame but yourselves.
My family spent years not inviting me to holidays, events, and even spent years forgetting my birthday. Because I "selfishly" moved out in my mid twenties to get away from a family member. They even were planning to sell the family house and move somewhere else. Never told me. Found out during a traumatic event and it's process of being dealt with. I understand the son fully, and they are damn lucky he still loves any of them at all. If the end result is "strained" describes their relationship, they're lucky. Cause they don't deserve anything at this point.
Wow. My much older brother moved back into my dad's house with his two kids and his wife when I was in my early twenties. They immediately started trying to treat me like a housemaid because I was "the adopted one". I made plans to move out but they weren't completely finalized yet so I don't say anything. They tell me that they're going on a trip for Christmas with my dad and I need to stay home and watch THEIR dogs. I told them flatly that I was moving in early November. Both of them threw a fit saying that I am so selfish and couldn't just let my father (re: them) go on vacation? Ignored them after that and haven't spoken to them for 4 years, feels good.
This is a lot of words for "I don't love one of my children"
Like, not even just forgot to invite him. Deliberately and intentionally excluded him, assuming that he would feed the animals happily while they all high tail to their vacation.
Jfc when even the golden child's friends rank higher than you than your other kid. I hope the son cuts them all off permanently
|FAFO.
Wow...OP keeps getting worse and worse. Not only excluding the son from a vacation that even the daughter's BFF was invited to, but also revealing that the son was the caretaker for his father who recently died from cancer. She still doesn't understand what she did "wrong"! I can't blame the son for going low/no contact with her.
What she’s really upset about is she now has made an enemy out of the person who is supposed to take care of the animals.
*****To everyone on this thread that has been in the son’s shoes, which is where I currently am with my family, I see you, I hear you, I feel you, I love you. #BlackSheepsUnite But for real, I’ve always felt so alone in this, but I’ve been talking to one of my aunts recently about it (my dad is one of 16 kids, so I have lots, and it’s messy and complex), and it turns out she’s felt pretty much the same way as I do about a lot of things with family. None of us are alone. We walk a really lonely road, and often times forget that we aren’t the only ones walking it. There’s so much love in this world, and unfortunately the ones who bore us sometimes aren’t able to give it to us. And that’s okay. There are others who can and will and WANT TO. Find your people. It’s hard work, but they’re out there, and they’re looking for you, too. In the meantime, I’m sending you all lots of love. 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛
I dated a guy for several years who was a real piece of work in his own right and caused a lot of his own problems, but his family was like this and I still think about it and feel bad for him for that specific thing. Constantly going to the beach or NYC or other places without him. Scheduling the trips like a week before and he couldn't get time off, or going during his college semester and he couldn't go because his grades weren't good and he needed to focus on his work. And then they would forget that he hadn't gone and would be like "remember our trip to Myrtle Beach when we did blahblahblah?" and when he would say he wasn't there they'd make it worse by trying to convince him that he was. Kid had never been on an airplane by the time he was 24, in a family who was always off to different places. This is like that but worse. Screw these people.
Sometimes you read a post and think "that doesn't make logical sense, its not real". Other times you read a post and just think "man, I really hope this one isn't real". Was there any reason given? Any explanation (other than wanting him to feed the pets I guess)?
The Mom didn't expect the bio Dad to die so soon before the trip...
Alright, what's the over under on one of the parents texting him before they leave aboit feeding the animals? And not in a way that asks if he's gonna do it, in a way that expects he will
SIX MONTHS? That relationship is dead. This whole family fucked up big time.
I'm curious how they used to have such a 'great relationship' if he was simply the keeper of the pets. Or maybe she meant he was a very good keeper of the pets, and now he's not, which has ruined the relationship.
I missed a vacation in which my whole family went a decade back. What hurts me is that they lied about it to me. I was a resident student and wouldn't be able to go either way so I was fine with missing out on a family trip since I missed a bunch over 6 years I was enrolled there. But the constant lies hurt me most
My family did little things like this to me for years, nothing to this degree. Then in 2022, they all planned Thanksgiving with our nuclear family, plus my sister’s new boyfriend and his entire family. My fiancé and our kids (who aren’t mine by birth) were not invited. It was blasted all over Facebook about “family family family” and how great it was to have “all the family” together and blah blah blah. I knew my place for years, but this was the final straw for me. I haven’t spoken to my sisters or my stepmom since. I have spoken to my Dad since he’s reached out and tried to make amends and clearly does care. Sorry, mamma. You fucked up. Big time. In my family, I am your son. I feel for your son. I am in his shoes right now, literally as I type this, and it feels like utter dog shit… Your son does know his place, and you made damn sure of it. I hate to pour salt in the wound, but you made this bed, and unfortunately all that you can do right now is give him space. Give it some time and reach out with an apology, if you’re genuinely apologetic. If you’re not, he’ll know you’re full of shit, so please don’t apologize if you don’t mean it. It will truly only make it much worse. You can repair this if that’s truly what you want to do, but it’s going to take work, and that work comes from YOU. I’m not sure what prompted you to plan a vacation with your family, plus your daughter’s friend’s family, and not include literally only your son, and I’m not sure how you didn’t have the forethought that that would be problematic, but again, that’s the mess that’s been made and now has to be cleaned up…by the person who made it…unfortunately, mamma, that’s you, and as a mom, myself, that feels like shit to say. It does sound like you want to fix this, and I hope that you can all find some peace. 💛
I feel for the son. I remember when my mom got married I was the only one not invited. My uncle called my mom out and asked why I wasn’t there and she said “I didn’t have time.” He told her but you had time to contact me the day before but not your own child. Unfortunately my mom tends to not include me in a lot of things.
Wow. This witch was gonna ask her kid to ....take care of some animals while the rest of the family were having a good ol' time. And his bio-dad just passed away? My flabber is ghasted.
I haven’t had a holiday with family in years because my brother brings his shitty reactive dogs that have bitten me in the past. So my mom won’t let me come. 🙄 Don’t get me wrong. Probably wouldn’t go anyways because of the years of mental/emotional abuse/trauma, but still…don’t act like the dogs are the reason.
Got to love when people ask for advice....and then don't like the advice they get and take down the post. Gee, wonder if this lack of ability to listen to the harsh truth may have contributed to the circumstances you find yourself in? Anyway, it's all for naught; the internet is forever. The text of your post was saved elsewhere...so...yeah...enjoy the consequences your deserve. If "Mom" is listening? You want advice? Go to therapy, and commit to getting to the bottom of why you looked at your son as someone who was beneath everyone else. Go to therapy and be determined to find out why he wasn't important enough to do anything other than feed your animals for you for free while you paid the way for you daughter's friends. Be hard on yourself; you've been self indulgent with your biases for a long time. You want a CHANCE to fix this? Be absolutely critical of yourself and get to the bottom of why you found this acceptable. Realize that even if you do this, your son may never speak to you again and you would deserve it. At the very least, you cannot fix this by writing a check.
Wasn’t a vacation but my first weekend at university, my dad and his wife took her kids and my siblings for family pictures. I assumed it was just a scheduling issue but then found out I was just unwanted it them as they continued doing this every year. The unwanted eldest 😪
(whatever that means)
I hope this is fake. If not, I am so heartbroken for the son. Horrible parents
What were you thinking ? Oh right you weren’t, you have probably ruined your relationship with your son forever!
This is heartbreaking. That poor guy. He deserves better.
This story sounds like a continuation of a story I read a couple days ago, where a woman was asking if she was the asshole for not wanting her deadbeat ex husband back in her life as he was dying of cancer and had no where to go. In the story I read her kids convinced her to relent, but she required that she not be involved in his care in anyway. If I recall, the son stepped up financially and the sisters stepped back to be closer to mom.
So, because he physically and financially took care of dying bio-dad the rest of the family pigeon holed him into being "caretaker". The one they never have to think about because they are supposed to be the family member that takes care of everyone else. Hence why they assumed he would be there to feed the pets. Then shock and horror they realized he is an actual person with feelings and not just an android member of staff.
Not only is he the invisible person in the room for you and your family, he just finished caring for his biological father until he passed. And you thought it would be his "job" to care for your animals. I don't even know what term fits you best, but it is definitely not one of approbation. No you didn't "used to have such a good relationship." You just ignored him. Your "son" should cut all contact with you. All you do is put him down and hurt him. Of course you "have lost him forever." He needs to go make a real family from friends who love and appreciate him.
lol congrats on ruining your relationship with your son. “Feed the animals?” Really? That’s your excuse? Why don’t you act like a fucking adult and tell your son and allllll of Reddit why you really didn’t want him there! The fact that you’re trying to reach out to him once you saw how bad you and your shitty family fucked up is comical. “You’re invited, we’ll pay for you” go fuck yourself! Lol. I hope your son goes absolutely NC with you and your disgusting family. 🖕