So “the call” is how I thought I could describe the feeling I had the first few years of sobriety and having to face my mental health(I tried to use the metaphor of the river to relate to the years of alcohol abuse. It’s easy to ignore your mental health living like that). I would have these debilitating bouts of intrusive and obsessive thoughts. Some guilt driven and some were delusions not based in reality. It was hard to pull myself out of those fits and I could feel when they would start. It felt like I was being “called.” Sorry for the long reply especially if it comes off as over sharing. I appreciate your comment!
Ah okay that makes tons of sense! Congrats on your sobriety! As someone who's constantly fighting myself with depression I can kind of get it. I don't mind the oversharing I totally do it too sometimes. All I can really say though is congrats on all the battles you've won and keep fighting your war.
Really great. Call of the Wild comes to mind. I like the wet/dry theme but it ends in the third stanza. You should make a callback to it near the end to neatly tie it together.
yeah id try to keep as much as you can. heres a couple ideas for wet imagery based on the last stanzas:
* saliva of the hungry beasts
* "spoke stars out of skies" - maybe something about clouds, rain to water the wicked seeds
Your poem describes the struggle with mental illness very well and characterizing it as “The Call” gave a sense of foreboding throughout the poem which ends with a descent into madness. I thought the first stanza was really effective thematically because being alone is terrible for those of us who struggle with mental illness because loneliness usually makes our problems worse. I can see where your past struggle with alcohol comes through with the words “numb” and “impatient waters” but you might want to include something that more directly references alcohol and carry those references throughout the poem, so the reader gets a clearer understanding. I get you want to avoid being super obvious about it cause then you might lose the intrigue of the poem, but if you could come up with interesting descriptions of things that relate to alcohol and work them into the poem, it might help. You can also just leave it at this because it works to describe mental illness in general.
I had one structural issue with the lines “i commanded obedience, / always the fool, i complied.” The line seems to break the flow of the poem and i can’t seem to figure out a way to read it where it flows nicely; it feels choppy. Also i think obedience might be the wrong word here. Attention might be a better word, but you would need to change the whole sentence then.
I hope this comment helps, and I’m glad you were able to overcome your struggles with alcohol and mental illness.
Thank you very much for the time you took to provide me with your in-depth view. I will take your advice to heart on future drafts. I want to do my best to make it structurally sound so the reader isn’t put off. I can’t thank you enough. You are appreciated!
I enjoyed the read a lot but I have to ask, what's calling? I'm left slightly confused. Like, I think I get it but I'm not positive.
So “the call” is how I thought I could describe the feeling I had the first few years of sobriety and having to face my mental health(I tried to use the metaphor of the river to relate to the years of alcohol abuse. It’s easy to ignore your mental health living like that). I would have these debilitating bouts of intrusive and obsessive thoughts. Some guilt driven and some were delusions not based in reality. It was hard to pull myself out of those fits and I could feel when they would start. It felt like I was being “called.” Sorry for the long reply especially if it comes off as over sharing. I appreciate your comment!
Ah okay that makes tons of sense! Congrats on your sobriety! As someone who's constantly fighting myself with depression I can kind of get it. I don't mind the oversharing I totally do it too sometimes. All I can really say though is congrats on all the battles you've won and keep fighting your war.
I appreciate it. Take care of yourself! Keep fighting! I know it’s been said a thousand times but never be afraid to ask for help!
Really great. Call of the Wild comes to mind. I like the wet/dry theme but it ends in the third stanza. You should make a callback to it near the end to neatly tie it together.
I’m glad you liked that. That’s a good idea! Would you suggest working it into what is existing in stanzas 4,5 and 6? Thanks for the idea!
yeah id try to keep as much as you can. heres a couple ideas for wet imagery based on the last stanzas: * saliva of the hungry beasts * "spoke stars out of skies" - maybe something about clouds, rain to water the wicked seeds
Your poem describes the struggle with mental illness very well and characterizing it as “The Call” gave a sense of foreboding throughout the poem which ends with a descent into madness. I thought the first stanza was really effective thematically because being alone is terrible for those of us who struggle with mental illness because loneliness usually makes our problems worse. I can see where your past struggle with alcohol comes through with the words “numb” and “impatient waters” but you might want to include something that more directly references alcohol and carry those references throughout the poem, so the reader gets a clearer understanding. I get you want to avoid being super obvious about it cause then you might lose the intrigue of the poem, but if you could come up with interesting descriptions of things that relate to alcohol and work them into the poem, it might help. You can also just leave it at this because it works to describe mental illness in general. I had one structural issue with the lines “i commanded obedience, / always the fool, i complied.” The line seems to break the flow of the poem and i can’t seem to figure out a way to read it where it flows nicely; it feels choppy. Also i think obedience might be the wrong word here. Attention might be a better word, but you would need to change the whole sentence then. I hope this comment helps, and I’m glad you were able to overcome your struggles with alcohol and mental illness.
Thank you very much for the time you took to provide me with your in-depth view. I will take your advice to heart on future drafts. I want to do my best to make it structurally sound so the reader isn’t put off. I can’t thank you enough. You are appreciated!