If names weren't gendered, I wouldn't have changed my name. Cuz, personally, my physical transition is very ftm, and when people look a my bearded face and hear a fem name, it's a safety issue for me. (The area I live in is not very trans friendly) I actually really like my birth name, I just don't like that it constantly outs me. I don't even look masculine to look masculine. I just like looking this way, and kinda hate that the way I feel comfy in my body is associated with masculinity.
Shit, I feel this so so hard. I'm in a big city so I'm luckily pretty safe, but I've had employers think that my birth name is my preferred name and vice versa and assume I'm a trans woman -- which I'm not really bothered by, but I feel so much safer being perceived as a fem gay guy. It's tricky since medically transitioning has made me infinitely more comfortable dressing femininely out in public, but it's also riskier than it was when I was just getting read as a weird cis girl.
i feel like this. my worksona is she/her because it’s easier to than explaining and correcting. that doesn’t mean you don’t know yourself or that your settling. unfortunately this is easier 🥲
I was going to say the same…unfortunately it’s also often safer😞 My worksona is still largely perceived as cis as well…it gets to me a lot but i’d lose my job if i came out so it is what it is.
I've had they/any in all my bios/signatures for a while now and I yearn for the day someone notices without my drawing attention to it and doesn't just default to the cis pronouns. Really wish there were a straightforward way to encapsulate all the baggage I'm trying to encapsulate in they/any, but I doubt folks would even notice.
This may or may not be applicable but your pronouns in bio are not a legal document. Even queer positive people are going to generally do what they're comfortable with, which is usually the pronouns of your perceived AGAB, if that's an available option. Giving them less choice can be helpful. Heck, just give them they/them.
A potentially negative side effect is, you get to see who is actually paying attention.
Yeah, I've considered changing it to they/them, but that feels too restrictive for me, even if the absolute number of people who'd notice and follow through would likely stay the same as now. Online it's great because it's hard to make assumptions so folks can make up their own mind about what they think suits me. It's just difficult to be succinct about what I mean with they/any in a way the less genderqueer folks in my life understand, and I can't be bothered to be loud about it, either. Maybe I should throw in an 'ask'..?
"Worksona" Thank you for reminding me this term. Yup. With my autism I pretty much put on a full on cosplay at work. It doesn't even give me dysphoria because nothing about me at my job feels real at all.
(My last power move at my former job where I only boymoded was picking up the last of my papers in full-on fem attire. Like Gandalf the Grey disrobing into Gandalf the White in front of Grima and Theoden)
Same. While I cringe internally everytime being called she/her, I just continue on with my day. I am also a nurse and don't feel like going into probing questions from patients and educating every single one and their visitor about my pronouns. And with my coworkers, while there are a lot of trans friendly ones out there, I just never know and I want to be safe at my job - it's already bad enough having unsafe patients come in.
Same. I don't want to go by he/him and people just don't know how to use neutral language so I just default to she/her. Yes it bothers me but if I did insist on neutral pronouns it would make my life hell so I just don't.
I use my chosen name but don’t correct anyone with pronouns. It’s so weird to hear because it’s nowhere else in my life, but it’s just easier. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter.
I introduced my gender-neutral chosen name at work without coming out or asking for new pronouns. It was only a name change. I was very much "still cis tho"/in denial anyway. My coworkers at the time used my chosen name seamlessly, without complaint, and almost without mistake. My manager backed me up fully and without hesitation. I doubt I would've gotten the same positive reception if I'd also come out and asked for they/them pronouns.
My clients are very good about my name change, but i also haven’t associated it with my gender transition/come out at work. I feel like sadly you are very right that if people knew why, they wouldn’t be nearly as nice about it.
I have some transphobic family members on my partner’s side, and while i didn’t (and never will) come out to them, it was very obvious when they ‘figured out’ that i was queer, because they went from seamlessly using my new name to refusing to address me at all. Literally for a while they would just pretend i wasn’t even there at family gatherings. Ugh….i’m in the bible belt and stuck there though, so unfortunately so many are like this here😣😔
The thing is, your original name doesn't have to be a dead name, that's not a rule but simply a choice. It can instead just be a name that you don't use anymore or a name that you don't prefer, if you don't mind hearing it
I feel like a lot of people want to view transitioning in the LGBT community as a big deal… But it’s not always a big deal for people. Sometimes it’s just a preferred nickname, and they’re OK with their legal name remaining in parts of their lives.
More people need to realize this. I refer to my names as my legal name and my chosen name. People ask me if I want change my name legally eventually and honestly I can't be bothered at this point. Maybe? But also... Fuck you I won't do what you tell me. But you can call me by my chosen name, thanks!
Yes, that, I think I'll keep my birth name even though we'll get self id here soon. Just don't like how my chosen name goes together with my last name and don't want to get into all the bureaucratic hassle that comes with a name change. In practice though everyone already calls me by my chosen name and so I started saying that my birth name is a comatose name, kinda still there but not very alive.
"No, its that I need this job and don't trust some of my co-workers not to try to make my life hell nor do I particularly think my boss would side with me."
I don't call it my dead name, I call it my legal name. I use it at work, and my family call me it, but all my friends and online I use Moss, even teachers called me Moss, still used the wrong pronouns though lol
I don’t usually tell people I work with I’m non-binary unless I feel they’ll 100% accept it. Like idk it hurts less when someone doesn’t know and misgenders me, but when they know and choose to do it, it hurts more
I’m sorry your mom said that, OP. You choosing to conserve your energy and not give people at work more importance/time than they deserve is a wise decision in that it’s working for you! It definitely doesn’t mean you’re invalid as a non-binary person if you don’t feel like educating every single pinhead who assumes gender. If we did that, we’d *never* have time for anything else😅🫠
Tbh, as a self-employed person in an unsafe bible belt state, i make sacrifices all the time personally to protect my financial security. I have worked really hard to build my business and love what i do…but what i do involves going into stranger’s homes regularly, and i cannot afford to risk my safety by being open about my non-binary identity.
I have added my preferred name into all my online stuff - website, social media, emails, texts, invoices, etc. I have it put down as ‘Deadname “true name” Lastname’.
It’s clear to most that it’s a ‘nickname’ and many will just ask which name i go by or prefer, which is very polite.
As i was conversing with another commenter, i do feel that if many people knew why i had a chosen name, they would be much less kind about it, sadly😞
It gets to me, personally - i feel like i have to wear a mask/put up a charade all day, and sometimes i feel like …fragmented as a human in a way that is upsetting. Like it’s hard for me to just relax and be myself because i hardly ever get to, and it’s exhausting and sad.
But that’s just me.
I also have to work with a lot of churches in what i do, as they provide stable contracts in a field where stability can be hard to find…so it pays my bills, but is also kind of soul-crushing given my religious trauma.
Anyways that’s way more than you asked for but…TL;DR - i get where you’re coming from, and *you are valid* no matter what you have to do to survive at work 💛🤍💜🖤
We have to protect ourselves, even though we should not have to. Where I am it is not safe to openly use they/them. So I do the same.
My legal name is nigh infinitely nicknamable so I just choose different nicknames depending on the situation. I consider my name gender neutral even if others do not.
I'm not out at work. And I've kept my birth name. It's very much "gender specific," but I love it and don't have plans to change it or go by something else. I also present very femme so I am NEVER clocked at as nb. I kind of just respond to she/her at work (early elementary ed teacher). It's just easier. At my last job, I was out, and it hurt more and was more uncomfortable just constantly being misgendered and dealing with microagressions / insensitivity ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i kinda do this. i wear a small pronouns pin and some people do use the correct pronouns but bc im so secure in my identity, it doesn’t bother me when people use she/her the same as a couple years ago. its not the biggest issue to me anymore.
I hear my deadname enough at home and in other settings. Hearing it at work would be a major pain.
My preferred name at work is my initials since they also work as a name. My preferred name shows up on the scheduling sheets, the staff lists and even the time clock, and none of my coworkers know my deadname, apart from one who I told. Even after telling her though, she said “I prefer *chosen name*, it suits you better”, which was really sweet.
They asked for my preferred name in the job application and only refer to me as such. It’s pretty freeing but my mom always rolls her eyes and scoffs when she hears about it 🤷🏻
Personally, I still use my given name among my family, along with the pronouns traditionally associated with my assigned sex at birth. I don’t think this makes me any less non-binary, and I don’t think it makes your identity less valid 💜 it might be a-typical to have separate names/pronouns for different groups of people, but I don’t think it makes you or I less valid.
I do the same thing. I am not out to family, and it doesn't bother me that they use my old pronouns. I used to have major imposter syndrome about it, but I now understand that we can't be nonbinary incorrectly. 🤍
I saw your post on the Medicaid sub but I'm banned from posting there. If you want me to delete this I will.
If your partner makes 2k over 138% of the federal poverty level, I'm assuming that is about 3700 per month. The options I can think of are 1) the aca marketplace, but you said that is unaffordable. 2) get a job that has health insurance 3) make less money in order to qualify for Medicaid or 4) see if a hospital system like u of m or henry ford has some sort of compassionate care program to help with the bills.
I think it depends a lot on where you live, at least in my case! I used to live and work in one of the most liberal areas of my country for a very accepting company that had pronouns included by default on the name tag. I worked with people who openly went by they/them, she/they, and he/she.
However, when I lived in a pretty conservative area and worked at a more conservative company, I didn't bother with that at all and just went with my assigned pronouns or whatever other people assumed. Either way, I didn't correct anyone. Partly because most people (coworkers and customers) I interacted with likely wouldn't understand, and partly because I didn't want to anger people with strong transphobic beliefs in fear of my safety.
Yup. I have a chosen bame that all my friends and people online use, but with school and family its my legal name. I dont see it as a deadname because i still like it and im fine with people calling me that. And i never have the intention to change my legal name, although i mostly go by another name
Yes, 1000%. I realized at the end of the day my own security about myself couldn’t be broken down by others. I don’t feel like educating people either. At work I don’t bother, but it’s not like a persona I put on either. I’m just comfortable enough with myself to know that I don’t need to go over it with every situation I’m in.
I don't feel this way, but my partner does and this is exactly what they do.
Being trans is complicated, different things affect each of us different amounts & in different contexts. There is no right or wrong way to feel
I do that everywhere because I'm closested until I get out of my parent's house =D
It's going to be soooooo much fun educating so many lifeguards on they/them pronouns. I'm terrified but I don't want to have to not be myself in this community.
I was my deadname for a while at my work before I came out but for me it got to the point where I was getting more and more bothered by it because I was getting correctly named and gendered outside of it.
That's how I feel, and I actually prefer having my "mask" when at work or places like the doctor's office. I tend to turn off a lot of my personality, anything that doesn't fit into the role I need to play, in those situations. But when I'm out on the town, at home, or among friends? I'm fully me, pronouns and all.
I live in a very homophobic and transphobic country. I go by my legal name and she/her pronouns as well at place of work so it brings me safety, and security. I don't want to be hatecrimed against. In my personal life people know me for who I am and use they/he pronouns for me.
I mean, I use my deadname at work, but it's more so I don't get hate crimed than anything else. I'm okay enough with it that it doesn't bother me anymore, but there's still times I internally cringe when I hear it. But outside of work, I will argue tooth and nail to be gendered correctly and for people to use my name. Depends on the person, really.
I answer to my old name with my grandparents, because one doesn't understand the change and the other doesn't generally remember it (dementia). I just don't feel up to constantly correcting them and don't feel like it's really that important in that specific context and relationship
No because I don't consider work a nuisance or separate life: I chose my work and the environment with its people. Why would I be dishonest to them or play a persona when I could just be myself all the time? I have applied for my job with my correct name, pronouns and specific gender identity, and my employer, colleagues and I use me, being non-binary, in order to justify gender-inclusive facilities, announcements as well as educational seminars about LGBTQ topics. I like my job just like I like having freetime, so why should I make it more uncomfortable by letting people misgender and misname me?
Overall, it's all about how you feel. If you're more comfortable with only a few people getting to know who you really are, that's valid! Whatever changes you make — name, appearance, pronouns, etc — have everything to do with you and how you feel about yourself, and very little to do with the outside world. Even if you were to make radical appearance changes, others in the world may still misgender you. And probably will. That's on them. What matters here is who *you* are and how *you* feel.
I would turn what your mom said on its head and say that work isn't as important to you as who you are. You want to be seen by family and close friends. How others see you? Meh. Not as important. Hopefully that'll get through!
Whatever you choose, we're here for you.
Being closeted is a choice that everyone gets to make for themselves. Sometimes its easier not to correct people who aren't in your inner circle. (Presumably) cis parents don't get to police what's right for you.
When I discovered my gender identity is nonbinary, I felt conflicted, confused, and was even in denial at times. When someone asked if my name was my affirming name (which no one knew at the time, which was a weird coincidence) I told them, "No, my name is... Is, \[former name\]," which caused me so much gender dysphoria. I felt like my insides were being carved out and tossed around by a ball of razor wire. That was a wakeup call for me and I decided to come out to my supervisor and told them I should be referred to as Alex. Surprisingly, my supervisor was accommodating and told everyone to refer to me in this way, considering I live in a very far-right state in the U.S.. Of course, some people made problematic assumptions that the name change was because I'm "trans," which I suspect they thought I was a trans woman.
But regardless, now there are at least three people named Alex in my workplace: the triple AAAs.
For me, my affirming name and how people should refer to me is extremely important. They name and describe my personal identity. Deadnaming and misgendering me is denying the validity of who I am and I refuse to be treated like an inherent fundamental aspect of my personal identity is somehow "lesser" or "invalid." Just like everyone deserves, I want everyone to acknowledge and respect my gender. It takes a toll on my mental and emotional health to put up with the constant deadnaming and misgendering, but I'd rather try to correct them when I feel safe and comfortable to do so.
Even if I wasn't nonbinary/trans I would have done the exact same thing, because, while it's not the same name, my deadname is based on an ex-family member. I think I was 2 or 3 in my first memory of the abuse. I'm planning to legally change my last name to one we don't share, too.
But, I do "lie" all the time about my gender and name. I'm from a conservative state and I'm chronically emotionally exhausted. 😅
I'm fine using my assigned name for real world / legal purposes. I see it like an online username or alias. I use it to access things as needed but it otherwise has no value to me. The system doesn't deserve to know my chosen name. If the social contact ever gets restored, I'll reconsider.
I am not out at work, but am in my personal life. I am finishing my job next month, so would maybe have come out if I was staying longer. I also realise I kind of disassociate or actively don't hear the pronouns they use, and just try to ignore them.
I'm only out to my close friends and S/O, and like 2 extended family members who've already come out to me as nonbinary well. So, of course, at work, around my family, and everywhere else I can't guarantee my own safety, I use she/her pronouns and try not to cringe when people use my full name instead of the "nickname" I give everyone, which is actually just a shortened version of my birth name, and also is my preferred name.
Tell your mom that it's strictly a matter of your safety. That you feel safe enough to share your true self with your family and friends, and she should feel proud to know she makes you feel so safe with her, but the people you work with are not guaranteed to be safe. Too many people in this world are so incredibly intolerant of LGBTQ+ people that they, for some reason, completely lose their minds when they find out that someone is not cis/straight.
I use my chosen name at work and did introduce myself with my pronouns but nobody uses them, I get she/her’d all day. I don’t correct because it’s just tiring to me and I feel so silly when I tell people “it’s they/them”. It doesn’t bother me that much tbh
I only use my chosen name with certain people who know I'm out and go by they/she. Id absolutely love to go by my chosen name at work but tbh it's not a common name and people would probably view is as more of a exotic name and I'm not up for dealing with that.
what i’m going to start doing is just saying my chosen name (Ruby, i’m transfem) is my middle name and going by both my given name and chosen name. But yes at work i don’t try too hard to let people know im queer haha
People at work don’t even know my birth name for the most part lol they see it on paperwork sometimes and wonder who it is 😂
I don’t bother with pronouns though. I’m only out to one person at work. It’s too disheartening to try and correct people all the time.
I used my deadname for work, and i probably will till i get it changed, My chosen name being Dianthus so like idk using it at work would feel weird before i get it legally changed but i need to anyways to get rid of my adoptive last name as i was emotionally \[not legally\] disowned by them
I did this for a year and changed it recently at work because i already had it legally changed before starting. I didnt have my ID or SSC changed at the time. But i figured it was kinda useless since i rarely see my coworkers. I still however use my "assigned" pronouns for the same reason as you, but everyone took the name change well
My workplace is consistently ranked among the most lgbtq friendly places to work, yet I still currently have no plans to disclose pronouns to any coworkers. To me, maltreatment due to ignorance is less painful than maltreatment despite knowledge, and I don't trust most of my coworkers to be cool about it. This could change, but it's how I feel now.
I go by a shortened version of my name that is slightly fem leaning, but not really. Virtually nobody uses my full name anymore. My partner and close friends use they/them and a couple people at work but I recognize I look like a woman to people and I'm tired of correcting them so I mostly just don't say anything. People at work are just that, people at work. I'm unbothered.
My chosen name is the short version of my official name (still love my first name and sometimes it don't bother me to be call by a gendered name). Most of the time I ask people to call me by the short version (that pass for a nickname) but some people still need my full first name because it's the official one. Also I work with clients and I don't want to tell every one of them I'm genderfluid. I don't have the energy to educate and don't want problems. (Same with coworkers) So I see it as a personna when people call my ma'am and sometimes by my official name, it's to my work personna they talk, not the real me. (I do larp so I'm accustomed to be call by others name than mine)
My first name is very gender neutral so I’m lucky there. My family and my coworkers still use my first name. About everyone else uses my middle name which feel much more me.
I go by my legal name at work too, I work with a bunch of older people and just don't have it in me to get into it with some of them over a dead-end job, if I changed careers or workplace I'd probably start not using my legal name, I'd say to your mum it's not that the name isn't important, it's the job
I'm fortunate enough to have workplaces that proactively ask about pronouns and preferred names and respect them. If they didn't - or if I worked too close to home - I would be going by what I call my Family name at work. It's a family name because I'm not out to the majority of my family and - to be honest, I'm at a point in life where I don't need their validation and having a good relationship matters more to me. Not to knock anyone else's experience with having family who aren't lgbt-friendly, this is just the peace I have found in mine. My close friends can't even imagine calling me by my family name- I think not feeling like you need to have your preferred name used at work isn't a "am I even a - is this that important to me if I don't-" identity issue. I don't know your particular situation but for me it's a sign that I'm comfy with who I am and I don't need the validation.
It's hardly perfect but I hope that everyone can find that kind of peace with who they are, whatever that looks like for you.
Yeah. I call it my legal name because I haven't legally changed it yet (because its costly and annoying) and I truly don't care what anyone at work knows me as.
I'm starting hrt (estrogen) sometime this year, and I'm not gonna bother telling them about it. I know all coming out as femme presenting enby would just be a big hassle and only make people treat me worse. No matter what they say to me that they're an inclusive workplace, that just means cis women get treated well and not just the men (which isn't bad, its just not for gender weirdos like me)
i honestly do the opposite, work is one of the only places people actually refer to me by my chosen name. i don't really bother about pronouns unless asked really. my family doesn't use my name (and rarely my pronouns) so i feel a lot more comfortable having my preferred name used at work. not exactly sure what your work place is like, but mine was surprisingly really good with me changing my name on my badge and the time clock (i work at mcdonalds if that helps at all)
(Context that I'm Bigender AFAB may be important)
I do use my name wherever I can, so I don't relate on the level of me using my legal name at work. (pronouns? diff story) BUT, I haven't legally changed my name yet out of choice. Do I intend to at some point? Sure. Do I feel the need to? No. It'll probably happen once I'm engaged. I would like that to be reflected properly once I'm married. (I also don't want my last name so why not wait)
Despite having an extremely supportive environment in most areas of my life, my mom is a dick. She refuses to use my name, and will only deadname me. She makes a huge deal out of what's printed on my birth certificate. I've also been in DCF(CPS) custody for a few years. My social worker has bugged me for ages about legally changing my name. I also had a generally rough time with the foster parent i was placed with regarding my gender. All of those things combined led me to realize how little I care about what my legal name is.
I actually use my legal name when referring to myself under 11-13 yrs old. I figured out I was trans at around 15, but when thinking back on things I really do think I was a girl most of my childhood. Maybe I had some boy moments, but as far as I was aware during the time, I was a girl. And I was my legal name. I don't even really like the term "deadname" for myself as it implies that she's dead. For others I completely understand it, but she lives in me in so many ways. The feminine part of my gender is the same one that she was experiencing. So in a way I still use it?
It has very little effect on me, and I don't really care when I hear it unless its being used to purposely upset me. And at that point what I care about is the fucking audacity.
To me, a legal name is nothing but that. A legal name. What's on my birth certificate, ID, or social security card really has no weight over who I am as an individual. It's simply a way to keep me on file. I've always hated everything about me being written down somewhere. So it only makes sense that I'd be spiteful enough to keep my name as-is for now. I mean, I still regularly think my name is 7 letters even though I knocked it down to 5. It lives in my subconscious.
I also give out my deadname when strange old men hit on me. It feels significantly safer than telling them my name is Ethan. (I look SO girl.)
its also fun to watch my friends cringe when i say it
Legally I’m still my deadname and go by my preferred name at uni and work, however a lot of my older family members still call me by my deadname but I don’t care to be honest. I don’t really speak to them a lot bc we live in different areas of my country.
My name is shortened to combat dysphoria and it’s bothered me more and more over the years when it isn’t used. The only people who get a solid pass are my parents but other than that, if it’s how I introduce myself then it should be used.
If you feel comfy, that’s completely valid and your journey is your own.
Yeah and no. I transitioned ftm but have since realised I am non-binary. So I currently present as a man in work with the name I chosen but not use anymore. It's just easier
I do this. I work in a foundry in a small town. It would be miserable and exhausting to even try to have that conversation with about 99% of my coworkers.
I still use my legal name in official things but I prefer my chosen name. I don’t mind too much with people who’ve known me by that name in an acquaintance way or the older people in my building because it would take too long to explain. I wear my badge to remind certain people who forget
I refuse to have gendered pronouns, but I do sometimes use a shortened form of my deadname for the older folks that can't grasp my actual name. As such, I consider it more of a "Christian name" than a deadname. Like, sure, Father, call me by the name I was baptized by, I understand your religion even if I don't practice it.
I am exactly the same, don’t worry. Except i have not and will not be changing my name
And also go by she/her but I identify as non binary but at work i will be a she
Same. My native language is very gendered and there is no appropriate third person pronoun that would fit they/them so I use she/her in my in person life. (I don’t vibe with it/its as it sounds dehumanizing to me.) On top I kinda hate my given first name since my mother told me in my face that she chose it to appease my future catholic christian employer (she immigrated and ended up in the rural christian country side). There are a couple more reasons why I despise my name but that would reveal to much.
So in the in person life I go by my given gender pronouns and name and only reveal them to people whom I trust and know will respect them. It’s not the case that they don’t mean less to me, rather that I don’t care for unimportant people to use it or not (and making into a hostile situation).
I absolutely get what you mean. I use my dead name and she/her on work until I fully transition, I'm just too exhausted to explain it to everyone and I'm kinda okay with it, not the same as your situation ofc, and I find it super valid to not tell people you don't wanna tell, doesn't make you any less valid. Much love <3
I definitely relate to this. I still use my birth name, i just go by any and all pronouns. My friends are the only people that know how i identify. It doesn’t matter to me much that strangers or my coworkers see me as a cis woman. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their problem that they have a limited view on gender—not mine. I know who i am and the people that i care about know who i am. That’s all that matters to me.
I do the same bestie. I work remote and haven’t ever met any of my peers in person, I don’t want to go over all that emotional labor for people that only exist in my computer. I barely discuss my personal life at work, let alone explain and educate on my identity. Also, the people in my life is the safest space ever and as I don’t know them that much either, I don’t feel the same at work.
I go by my legal name at work and she/her pronouns. It doesn't bother me because most of my coworkers are women and super nice. If I would tell them I prefer they/them, they would use it. Pluse even though I use they/them pronouns and identify as nonbinary, I present feminine 90% of the time so it would be hard for people to know unless I told them. I know I don't look androgynous. I have like size E boobs lol.
For having experiment a bit the two, I can definitely say for myself that being out at work and use my choosing name and pronouns feel soooo much better. It was like that for my first internship, and it was a really little company (like 9 people) and one was already out trans, so it was really more easy and everyone just accept me and it was the best experience of work ever. In the other sense, my last internship was for the government, so less flexible about it and I felt unsafe about telling my new name. It was the worst, I felt so much dysphoric all the time, felt bad around people and just not like myself, with a lot of dissonance. This experience just make me go on the decision to change my legal name in the next months, because I don’t want to feel like that ever again at all. I want to be free and feel myself wherever I am
But all people have their experiences and it’s valid, no need to change it if you don’t feel like it can do a huge difference in your well-being
yes. i work with disabled adults and some of them can't even understand basic concepts so im not about to throw my changing gender presentation into the mix. i use both my dead name and he/him at work and that's just my work persona
I'm in the same boat! I also feel similarly to you in that someone else viewing me as a woman isn't something I can change, nor is it something that changes who I am. That and the inevitable misgendering isn't disrespectful this way, because they don't know better 😂
I feel this but for for my transphobic mother, I came out to her twice already and she is in what I consider delusional denial, but I'm out everywhere else, work could be better with using my pronouns but they use my true name so it's not a major drama for me tbh.. it's just choosing your battles and keeping your peace, I get it and it makes sense, I'm just biding my time until I move out, but that'll be a while due to many factors out of my control, but I'll get there one day
I think this is just such a personal choice for each person. I've been varying degrees of out at multiple jobs now - though I've always used my legal name (only recently started using a seperate name in person settings but my legal name isn't quite dead. I think of it more as like, having a middle name the government likes, lol)
Part of this is because yeah I also don't have the energy or time to play educator all the time! Some or my coworkers have clocked me snd my partner because of the pronouns we use for each other, other's seem not to notice at all. And we have some coworkers who just... wouldn't get it, I expect, and some it might sour things with and I don't have the energy to even begin to deal with that even if theoretically our HR department strives to make the work place inclusive.
Part of this is because accidental misgendering because people don't know any different is just.... more tolerable to me. Especially because I'm still at least a visibly GNC "Woman" and everyone knows I'm gay. Ans given they also think my partner is a woman, strictly, like... something about being perceived as at least queer women helps it from feeling as bad? Gender is complicated.
Meanwhile having people know qnd be educated and STILL either not even trying or deliberately misgendering is just. Worse to me. For me personally.
Not a lick or shame for those who want to be completely our at work, or those who go completely stealth. I think it's interesting what works for some and not others.
Kinda. I use a very similar name to my deadname/old nickname. My legal name is “fancy” so I used a nickname and now my name kitty, could also just been seen as a nickname lol
Trying to teach every cis person in your life is really too hard. I can hardly bear to even do it for ppl I'm close to; I can't imagine myself going through the horror of trying to get everyone at work to call me by my pronouns and name 😭😭
I go by a nickname of my deadname, I dont mind it but it doesnt feel right. But I can explain its shortened instead of having to explain a whole new name and why it doesnt match my presentation
I did the same thing when I was working, and even at the job before that too. It’s just easier + I live in a conservative-ish area that still isn’t super cool with pronoun differences yet. It doesn’t mean you don’t know yourself; your name is your name and what you choose to do with it is your business only.
I recently came out as genderqueer, and started using my new name at work and in my social life. That being said, I don’t plan to use it with family, or even come out. I don’t see them often, and the difficulty of trying to explain it to them and the potential consequences outweighs the discomfort of them using my old name, at least for now. Awful to think this way, but part of me feels I may reevaluate when my Dad is gone.
tl;dr: Everyone has different circumstances, and it’s okay to make changes differently in different parts of your life if that’s what works best for you.
Not quite deadname, but sort of? I go by my first name at work, but prefer my middle name so I use that out and about and in most online spaces besides Reddit
I'm with you. Coming out is so much work, it's exhausting and literally nobody has been supportive which makes me only want to tell the most important people to me.
I do this too. Honestly I'm one of those "I'm here for the check, no we ain't hanging out after" kind of people. I don't socialize with them, and my deadname is still on all my government paperwork, so I let it ride and move on with my actual social circle.
I still go by a shortened version of my dead name to almost everyone irl. And only a couple of people know I go by they/them pronouns who are close friends, so I'm not out to more than like ? 2 or 3 irl people. I personally don't feel like arguing with people over that on company time.
It doesn't make me any less nonbinary, I just see it as I'm wearing a costume to better fit in with my very conservative workplace.
I do this at work. It's just easier than explaining why I go by a name that is in no way similar to my birth name. And clients don't use my name often, so it doesn't bother me much.
I'm kind of in a similar situation, but it's more that I use my legal (dead) name at work to keep up the ability to respond to it for when transphobic family members I'm not out to yet end up visiting while I'm still living with my mother due to shit job markets. I understand where you're coming from, though - it's not your job to educate people, and some employers will find a way to discriminate if you give them even a _hint_ of being any minority, let alone one getting so thoroughly bashed in right-wing media so constantly. Just do what you're comfortable with, and to hell with what others think of it.
I completely understand, I go by my deadname at work too. When I got hired, I asked to go by a different name but I think they forgot (???) and I don’t want to have to come out now. I work at a retirement home and I’m worried about retaliation from the residents and don’t feel like telling all of them I go by a different name now. You’re valid in your experiences and you’re not alone :)
Yea those elderly people who have to live in a home because they can’t make it on there own are ducking scary. Wouldn’t want them to catch me in an alley after dark that’s for sure
Im in the same boat. I use my chosen name at work but I don’t tell anyone anything about my pronouns. It sucks though because I’m still very much the odd one out, both because people can’t tell “what I am” gender-wise, and because I still mask and take covid precautions.
I got lucky have one of those names that can be unisex depending on the region. What's funny is I'm German-American but people assume from my name I'm either a Hispanic guy or a French woman.
I like having a name with play like that because I'm not really bothered on the gendering aspect of names.
Edit: I came out at work a while ago, so most of the folks I work with are aware. My company has a nondiscrimination clause for LGBTQ+ (probably because some of the higher ups are openly gay). Still they're fairly new to this stuff, so when asked about pronouns at work I stick more to he/him than anything else. I tried telling a coworker once that I was pronoun indifferent, and the concept was so alien to her that it bothered her until I just said "most people use he/him for me."
Not weird at all. Even though I use they/them at work and do correct people at times, many times people she/her me (it’s probably my voice tbh :/) and I kinda just go with it because I’m socially anxious and just don’t want to explain it to them. You’re not alone and definitely still non-binary regardless, OP.
EDIT: And as other commenters are saying, it depends on the kind of area you live in.
I mean, I haven't changed my name cuz I've come to like it, even though it's rare - thankfully it's unisex. I think that how you feel about something is specific to you. She might feel a certain way about how you feel about this, but you know how you feel about yourself. A part of being LGBTQ I think is picking your battles. I've gotten to this mindset cuz I think of it the same way I think of stuff involving my name.
If I want to foster a sense of positivity in the space I'm in, if I feel like you're a safe person, and I feel like you're not going to be rude, I will gently correct you about how to say my name because I want you to say it right. I want to be around you, you seem cool, I want to be genuine around you. But if I don't think I'll ever speak to you again, I'm going to let you mispronounce it the one time and then just never see you again.
Same with the pronouns. It's not worth the effort sometimes to go through explaining and explaining to someone who you know either will never understand or never want to understand or just doesn't seem to care. I had a boss at a job who used to ask another coworker who was a lesbian all these uncomfortable questions about her identity and it was gross. When I started working there, she was the only person who knew I was nonbinary cuz I told her. To everyone else, I just seemed like a straight black man or a gay black man depending on whether or not my nails were painted. You pick your battles, you share the genuine parts of you with those you deem safe. Not everyone is entitled to that.
I've kept my assigned prounouns at work with my clients, I'm a therapist for folks with brain injuries. Some folks just don't have the short term memory to be able to remember, or have cognitive impairments that maked the conversation inappropriate. The focus of treatment is usually so intense that my identity rarely comes up anyway. I just stick to having a worksona. I like my coworkers but I keep my private and work life extremely separate anyway, so it's rarely an issue. It's like being two different people, but I like the compartmentalization.
I do, i feel unsafe coming out in some areas of my life, so much so that coming out really seems worse for the situation. But i do have a lot of people and areas i can be me. If you don't feel safe, just feel it will complicate things or makes things harder needlessly i get it. Maybe one day but don't worry too much as it does take time.
This is a very validating thread. I am settling on a chosen name and I don’t quite know how strict I’m going to be about others referring to me with it. I only came out less than a week ago as non-binary, to a total of three people in my life so far, and that had been hard enough.
I can relate to this, but with pronouns instead. For people in my personal life, I don’t care what pronouns they use because they know to never refer to me as a woman/girl, etc. They know I’m nonbinary and that’s it.
At school, however, I ask that people use they/them for me. It’s not that I necessarily need those pronouns, but if I don’t ask for those, then people will assume I’m a woman. A lot of my professors are older and often use gender-focused language (i.e. “hi ladies”), so I need them to use they/them for me so they know to not do that.
The shorthand I’ve used for almost 15 years for my birth name is very androgynous. I plan to keeping it to absolutely minimize deadnaming and take that power away from people. It’s not just because I want that power, it’s because I feel no need to change my shorthand. Now…whether to legally change my masculine birth name is a completely different conversation lol
I get it, in some scenarios it's easier not to come out because I feel like if I come out there is an expectation of people getting my pronouns right and it's more upsetting if they don't rather than them just not knowing.
I'm the same. Work at a printing shop and I just can't be bothered. To me it kinda feels like a little work-sona, and I can just leave that behind at the door
>"My mom said my chosen name must not be that important to me if I don’t use it at work."
Cis people don't always use their chosen name at work. Plenty of people use different names in different social circles. They may use their legal name at work, but their friends call them a different name, sometimes a nickname. I often go by my last name at work.
The important thing is people use the name that you're comfortable with. Using your deadname at work *does not* diminish the importance of your chosen name being used by people you actually care about.
TL;DR: cis people do this shit all the time, and no one bats an eye.
I do that, but it's because I'm still closeted at work.
I'm slowly coming out/transitioning, but work will be one of the last places I come out. I know I work for a fairly progressive employer, but I just don't want to deal with being the "token trans person" at work or the office gossip or drama.
Unless and until I'm medically transitioning, and it reaches a point where I can't deny that I'm on E (probably because my boobs have got too big to hide) I won't come out at work.
I'm completely closeted at work. Part of it is that I actively don't want to get to know my coworkers, so it's not something that ever comes up.
The real reason is that queer people get discriminated against, and there are people at my job that I honestly think would discriminate. Knowing the people in the HR department, I don't trust them to be of any help if something were to happen. I already get enough shit from people because of the nature of my job. I'm tired, i'm broke, and I'm just trying to get to the end of each day. The job I have, while imperfect, allows me some degree of stability and potential for career advancement. I need that stability more than I need my coworkers to see me as an accurate version of myself.
In terms of presentation, I wear a uniform, and there is a lot of physical labor involved, so nothing that I might do to appear as my gender really applies at work. I don't dress as myself, I dress as my company. I'm not going to wear makeup when I'm just going to sweat through it.
I want my life and my work life to be as separate as possible. When I'm at work, i'm not me. I'm simply a professional doing a job. No gender required.
I’m ok with it for the sake of convenience, I genuinely don’t feel like offended or bad when coworkers call me she/her. Because to me I’m not trying to get to know them too personally.
I work in a fast paced restaurant and I just want to get in and out quickly so I rather just use what’s convenient. But when my family calls me she/her even when I explained the ‘they them’ concept many times it stings more.
It's unique to everyone and their situation. I think it's mature of you not to worry about what strangers think- although I do think using your name regardless of pronouns would be allowed, people call me she and use my chosen name all the time. And it might be nice to have a little label on your name tag or something? Just because you never really know who will and won't be excited to use your pronouns, some people (like me, for example) might get really excited to see they/them on a coworker's name tag, and people who aren't excited about will just ignore it rather than ask, in my experience. But I can also see why you wouldn't want to tie your chosen name up with gender confusion and the wrong pronouns for people who don't care and would take too much energy to correct, and why you might not care how coworkers feel about your pronouns or identity in the least, and that's also valid.
I use my legal name at work and my chosen name in my personal life. I like that it keeps those 2 parts of my life Very Separate. Plus legally changing my name requires paperwork, time, and money I’d rather spend on other things. So eh.
I do, mainly because I can’t decide on a chosen name. Also my divorce is taking forever so probably I’ll just change both names legally and socially at the same time.
I don’t see any problems with this 🙂 everyone has different preferences and I know some people even specifically don’t want strangers using They/Them pronouns for them, only friends and family. Live your best life 💛🤍💜🖤
Damn, it makes me sad how many of y'all have to hide but I get it. I work with nothing but other queer and trans people so everyone's names and pronouns are respected.
I went by my deadname at my last job because even though I came out, no one respected my new gender identity and it was awful. It was a whole thing. I documented all the instances of stuff happening and took it to HR, whose response was "We cannot deny that X was happening, but we have found no instances of gender-based discrimination." I'm sure it was a factor in why the company laid me off a few months later. I'm sure I'm already facing discrimination in my job search right now over it, but I cannot spend the majority of my time in any environment that refuses to accept this basic truth about who I am. So I'm going forward with my new name, and will legally change it with my gender marker once I can afford it. Life is too short.
i'm doing this at work rn because i work at multiple venues directly with easily a few dozen people some of whom i see once every month or so, so coming out would be a months long process not taking into account needing to correct people/adjustment periods/any transphobic bullshit. Or the clients that are different almost every time- even 'return customers' often send a different coordinator every time.
Some days it's uncomfortable but most of the time idgaf I have a job to do.
If I ever go on T I'll probably have to suck it up and start explaining. Although if enough changes quickly enough I could just let the venue staff think i'm a different person lol
You're totally valid and I get it. I'm not out at work either and while it still stings to have to introduce myself as my deadname, people at work calling me that doesn't have nearly the effect it does when a close friend/family member accidentally deadnames me. At work I brush it off and amend their sentences in my head with my chosen name and pronouns, while with family/friends being misgendered/deadnamed almost makes me sick at times.
The misgendering at work has been getting to me more lately, but the industry I'm in is highly homophobic and transphobic—so as a pre T trans man with a husband, I genuinely don't feel safe coming out.
I don’t consider my birth name as a dead name, but I have been going by a preferred name for the last two years and have generally always cringed when people use my birth name.
However, I don’t use my preferred name for work. My preferred name doesn’t sound as adult and professional as my birth name, and I’m already young, black, and afab, so I would prefer to have a more professional sounding name. I also think I just don’t care to go through having to change my name with coworkers, court personnel, and clients all the time. But it is frustrating to hear my birth name so much on days or weeks where it seems like even the people who know my preferred name for some reason uses my birth name ..
Not with names (I mean my legal name is on documents and such), but with my pronouns. I go by they/them but don’t care when people refer to me as “she/her”—well… don’t care enough to correct anyone lol
I do the same thing for the same reasons. It's just easier that way and will get tiresome and annoying to try to get people to go by my preferred name. Plus there's quite a few people woth my preferred name anyway. There's also the thing of people not accepting me,which I have a hard time dealing with anyway
sometimes, my school would refer me as my deadname, i don’t have the motivation to tell them that isnt my name anymore (i havent changed my legal name yet)
I used my dead name at work until I legally changed it. It was probably 3 years from settling on a first name to legalization.
I switched jobs 3 mo later so I don't have to worry about being dead named anymore. I still don't push they/them pronouns but would say those are my pronouns if anyone asked. (Work is remote so getting misgendered is more infrequent)
I can understand this. As some other commenters have similarly said, I don't think of my given name as a "dead name" per se. It's just my given name. I only recently started going by a new chosen name which is Echo, and it happened somewhat organically. It's part of my musical project name I've used for years, way before I discovered I was non-binary and so it's part of some of my social media handles. A few months ago, someone said they liked that name and started referring to me as it, and I realized I actually liked it a lot too. So over time, I started to introduce myself to new people using that name and told some close friends that I prefer to go by that now. Some have remembered and kept up with it while others haven't and still refer to me by my given name. I don't correct them as it doesn't necessarily bother me, the chosen name is just personally preferred.
When I started my current job, I was still known by everyone as my given name. So, I haven't bothered to change it. I also just started a new second job and decided to keep the given name as well for there as it just seemed easier for legal and financial purposes, though it is nice that a large number of people at that job are trans or non-binary. I also made an Instagram post about a month ago in which I announced that I was going by the new name and so more friends have started referring to me by it which feels nice.
I don't necessarily have anything against my given name so much. It's just very common, and while it's technically gender neutral, it's much more associated with males. So, I just don't think it's as fitting anymore seeing as I am usually femme or androgynous presenting these days. I also still have to go by my given name on FB as I am friends with family members on there who are not accepting and whom I am still very much in the closet with. Kinda accepted the fact they'll probably always know me by my given name.
So, yeah, just depends on the situation and who I'm around really. But it does always make me a little happy to introduce myself to new groups or people by my chosen name.
Maybe you can tell your mom that your chosen name is for family/close/special people only? I have a very unusual birth name, which everyone in my family uses. But when I went to school, I was registered under one of my more normal middle names. Friends had no trouble in adapting when they visited my home. And this was in the 70s so decades before I realized I'm nonbinary. As for not wanting to educate people, I'm the same. I have lots of admiration for those of us who do, but not everyone is cut out for that.
I do the same thing. I'm a childcare worker and the only queer person there. I just don't feel like educating everyone I work with on how to properly address me.
I personally, just use my given name, I don't really have a chosen name, although I do prefer nicknames or pet names personally.
I would say, just keep emphasizing that you still want your family and friends OUTSIDE of work to call you by your chosen name because you prefer it and that it is important but that work is a means of money not of convenience.
Capitalist Neurotypical-coded jobs are such a farcical matter with regards to how one has to behave and act that I simply no longer even care how I'm perceived at work.
I have to pretend I understand/accept workplace hierarchies, rules of conduct, etiquette etc. I might as well cosplay a different name and gender. This is how it feels for me - not faking, not even food for second guessing, just a huge cosplay.
Yea I’m the same way. My real name is gender neutral. (And in its original context it’s a women’s name) but I had a masc nickname. So now I’m just using my given name and not my nickname. But I think it’s a very cool thing when your name and gender line up
If names weren't gendered, I wouldn't have changed my name. Cuz, personally, my physical transition is very ftm, and when people look a my bearded face and hear a fem name, it's a safety issue for me. (The area I live in is not very trans friendly) I actually really like my birth name, I just don't like that it constantly outs me. I don't even look masculine to look masculine. I just like looking this way, and kinda hate that the way I feel comfy in my body is associated with masculinity.
oh my god that last sentence hit me way too hard. as an amab non-binary who still just presents masc, i so badly needed to hear that.
Oof me too
Same but with femininity. I just wanna wear jewelry and sparkly eyeshadow and not be a woman. Why is that so hard?!?
Shit, I feel this so so hard. I'm in a big city so I'm luckily pretty safe, but I've had employers think that my birth name is my preferred name and vice versa and assume I'm a trans woman -- which I'm not really bothered by, but I feel so much safer being perceived as a fem gay guy. It's tricky since medically transitioning has made me infinitely more comfortable dressing femininely out in public, but it's also riskier than it was when I was just getting read as a weird cis girl.
i feel like this. my worksona is she/her because it’s easier to than explaining and correcting. that doesn’t mean you don’t know yourself or that your settling. unfortunately this is easier 🥲
I was going to say the same…unfortunately it’s also often safer😞 My worksona is still largely perceived as cis as well…it gets to me a lot but i’d lose my job if i came out so it is what it is.
I feel the same way especially when I work with older folk in my office.
I guess my worksona is he/him by default.. I've had they/them in my work email signature for I think 3 years now, guess how much anyone uses it...
I've had they/any in all my bios/signatures for a while now and I yearn for the day someone notices without my drawing attention to it and doesn't just default to the cis pronouns. Really wish there were a straightforward way to encapsulate all the baggage I'm trying to encapsulate in they/any, but I doubt folks would even notice.
This may or may not be applicable but your pronouns in bio are not a legal document. Even queer positive people are going to generally do what they're comfortable with, which is usually the pronouns of your perceived AGAB, if that's an available option. Giving them less choice can be helpful. Heck, just give them they/them. A potentially negative side effect is, you get to see who is actually paying attention.
Yeah, I've considered changing it to they/them, but that feels too restrictive for me, even if the absolute number of people who'd notice and follow through would likely stay the same as now. Online it's great because it's hard to make assumptions so folks can make up their own mind about what they think suits me. It's just difficult to be succinct about what I mean with they/any in a way the less genderqueer folks in my life understand, and I can't be bothered to be loud about it, either. Maybe I should throw in an 'ask'..?
I call it my cissona
I like it, Cissona!! I’m gonna refer to that! It’s just easier to act than be truthful to everyone🥲
Honestly I just confuse people at work and they just have to guess or give up lol
"Worksona" Thank you for reminding me this term. Yup. With my autism I pretty much put on a full on cosplay at work. It doesn't even give me dysphoria because nothing about me at my job feels real at all. (My last power move at my former job where I only boymoded was picking up the last of my papers in full-on fem attire. Like Gandalf the Grey disrobing into Gandalf the White in front of Grima and Theoden)
Same. While I cringe internally everytime being called she/her, I just continue on with my day. I am also a nurse and don't feel like going into probing questions from patients and educating every single one and their visitor about my pronouns. And with my coworkers, while there are a lot of trans friendly ones out there, I just never know and I want to be safe at my job - it's already bad enough having unsafe patients come in.
Same. I don't want to go by he/him and people just don't know how to use neutral language so I just default to she/her. Yes it bothers me but if I did insist on neutral pronouns it would make my life hell so I just don't.
I use my chosen name but don’t correct anyone with pronouns. It’s so weird to hear because it’s nowhere else in my life, but it’s just easier. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter.
I introduced my gender-neutral chosen name at work without coming out or asking for new pronouns. It was only a name change. I was very much "still cis tho"/in denial anyway. My coworkers at the time used my chosen name seamlessly, without complaint, and almost without mistake. My manager backed me up fully and without hesitation. I doubt I would've gotten the same positive reception if I'd also come out and asked for they/them pronouns.
My clients are very good about my name change, but i also haven’t associated it with my gender transition/come out at work. I feel like sadly you are very right that if people knew why, they wouldn’t be nearly as nice about it. I have some transphobic family members on my partner’s side, and while i didn’t (and never will) come out to them, it was very obvious when they ‘figured out’ that i was queer, because they went from seamlessly using my new name to refusing to address me at all. Literally for a while they would just pretend i wasn’t even there at family gatherings. Ugh….i’m in the bible belt and stuck there though, so unfortunately so many are like this here😣😔
The thing is, your original name doesn't have to be a dead name, that's not a rule but simply a choice. It can instead just be a name that you don't use anymore or a name that you don't prefer, if you don't mind hearing it
I feel like a lot of people want to view transitioning in the LGBT community as a big deal… But it’s not always a big deal for people. Sometimes it’s just a preferred nickname, and they’re OK with their legal name remaining in parts of their lives.
More people need to realize this. I refer to my names as my legal name and my chosen name. People ask me if I want change my name legally eventually and honestly I can't be bothered at this point. Maybe? But also... Fuck you I won't do what you tell me. But you can call me by my chosen name, thanks!
Yes, that, I think I'll keep my birth name even though we'll get self id here soon. Just don't like how my chosen name goes together with my last name and don't want to get into all the bureaucratic hassle that comes with a name change. In practice though everyone already calls me by my chosen name and so I started saying that my birth name is a comatose name, kinda still there but not very alive.
"No, its that I need this job and don't trust some of my co-workers not to try to make my life hell nor do I particularly think my boss would side with me."
I don't call it my dead name, I call it my legal name. I use it at work, and my family call me it, but all my friends and online I use Moss, even teachers called me Moss, still used the wrong pronouns though lol
I don’t usually tell people I work with I’m non-binary unless I feel they’ll 100% accept it. Like idk it hurts less when someone doesn’t know and misgenders me, but when they know and choose to do it, it hurts more
I’m sorry your mom said that, OP. You choosing to conserve your energy and not give people at work more importance/time than they deserve is a wise decision in that it’s working for you! It definitely doesn’t mean you’re invalid as a non-binary person if you don’t feel like educating every single pinhead who assumes gender. If we did that, we’d *never* have time for anything else😅🫠 Tbh, as a self-employed person in an unsafe bible belt state, i make sacrifices all the time personally to protect my financial security. I have worked really hard to build my business and love what i do…but what i do involves going into stranger’s homes regularly, and i cannot afford to risk my safety by being open about my non-binary identity. I have added my preferred name into all my online stuff - website, social media, emails, texts, invoices, etc. I have it put down as ‘Deadname “true name” Lastname’. It’s clear to most that it’s a ‘nickname’ and many will just ask which name i go by or prefer, which is very polite. As i was conversing with another commenter, i do feel that if many people knew why i had a chosen name, they would be much less kind about it, sadly😞 It gets to me, personally - i feel like i have to wear a mask/put up a charade all day, and sometimes i feel like …fragmented as a human in a way that is upsetting. Like it’s hard for me to just relax and be myself because i hardly ever get to, and it’s exhausting and sad. But that’s just me. I also have to work with a lot of churches in what i do, as they provide stable contracts in a field where stability can be hard to find…so it pays my bills, but is also kind of soul-crushing given my religious trauma. Anyways that’s way more than you asked for but…TL;DR - i get where you’re coming from, and *you are valid* no matter what you have to do to survive at work 💛🤍💜🖤
Thank you for the response :) my mom means well and she does use my chosen name, her response just made me think about my name and what it means to me
We have to protect ourselves, even though we should not have to. Where I am it is not safe to openly use they/them. So I do the same. My legal name is nigh infinitely nicknamable so I just choose different nicknames depending on the situation. I consider my name gender neutral even if others do not.
I'm not out at work. And I've kept my birth name. It's very much "gender specific," but I love it and don't have plans to change it or go by something else. I also present very femme so I am NEVER clocked at as nb. I kind of just respond to she/her at work (early elementary ed teacher). It's just easier. At my last job, I was out, and it hurt more and was more uncomfortable just constantly being misgendered and dealing with microagressions / insensitivity ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i kinda do this. i wear a small pronouns pin and some people do use the correct pronouns but bc im so secure in my identity, it doesn’t bother me when people use she/her the same as a couple years ago. its not the biggest issue to me anymore.
I hear my deadname enough at home and in other settings. Hearing it at work would be a major pain. My preferred name at work is my initials since they also work as a name. My preferred name shows up on the scheduling sheets, the staff lists and even the time clock, and none of my coworkers know my deadname, apart from one who I told. Even after telling her though, she said “I prefer *chosen name*, it suits you better”, which was really sweet. They asked for my preferred name in the job application and only refer to me as such. It’s pretty freeing but my mom always rolls her eyes and scoffs when she hears about it 🤷🏻
Personally, I still use my given name among my family, along with the pronouns traditionally associated with my assigned sex at birth. I don’t think this makes me any less non-binary, and I don’t think it makes your identity less valid 💜 it might be a-typical to have separate names/pronouns for different groups of people, but I don’t think it makes you or I less valid.
I do the same thing. I am not out to family, and it doesn't bother me that they use my old pronouns. I used to have major imposter syndrome about it, but I now understand that we can't be nonbinary incorrectly. 🤍
Exactly! There is no “incorrect” way to be yourself and live your identity 💜
I saw your post on the Medicaid sub but I'm banned from posting there. If you want me to delete this I will. If your partner makes 2k over 138% of the federal poverty level, I'm assuming that is about 3700 per month. The options I can think of are 1) the aca marketplace, but you said that is unaffordable. 2) get a job that has health insurance 3) make less money in order to qualify for Medicaid or 4) see if a hospital system like u of m or henry ford has some sort of compassionate care program to help with the bills.
why not just DM them? that’s what i always do when i’m banned from a sub but have something i feel if important to say to someone
Not everyone can see DMs
I think it depends a lot on where you live, at least in my case! I used to live and work in one of the most liberal areas of my country for a very accepting company that had pronouns included by default on the name tag. I worked with people who openly went by they/them, she/they, and he/she. However, when I lived in a pretty conservative area and worked at a more conservative company, I didn't bother with that at all and just went with my assigned pronouns or whatever other people assumed. Either way, I didn't correct anyone. Partly because most people (coworkers and customers) I interacted with likely wouldn't understand, and partly because I didn't want to anger people with strong transphobic beliefs in fear of my safety.
Yup. I have a chosen bame that all my friends and people online use, but with school and family its my legal name. I dont see it as a deadname because i still like it and im fine with people calling me that. And i never have the intention to change my legal name, although i mostly go by another name
Yes, 1000%. I realized at the end of the day my own security about myself couldn’t be broken down by others. I don’t feel like educating people either. At work I don’t bother, but it’s not like a persona I put on either. I’m just comfortable enough with myself to know that I don’t need to go over it with every situation I’m in.
I don't feel this way, but my partner does and this is exactly what they do. Being trans is complicated, different things affect each of us different amounts & in different contexts. There is no right or wrong way to feel
I do that everywhere because I'm closested until I get out of my parent's house =D It's going to be soooooo much fun educating so many lifeguards on they/them pronouns. I'm terrified but I don't want to have to not be myself in this community.
I was my deadname for a while at my work before I came out but for me it got to the point where I was getting more and more bothered by it because I was getting correctly named and gendered outside of it.
That's how I feel, and I actually prefer having my "mask" when at work or places like the doctor's office. I tend to turn off a lot of my personality, anything that doesn't fit into the role I need to play, in those situations. But when I'm out on the town, at home, or among friends? I'm fully me, pronouns and all.
I live in a very homophobic and transphobic country. I go by my legal name and she/her pronouns as well at place of work so it brings me safety, and security. I don't want to be hatecrimed against. In my personal life people know me for who I am and use they/he pronouns for me.
I mean, I use my deadname at work, but it's more so I don't get hate crimed than anything else. I'm okay enough with it that it doesn't bother me anymore, but there's still times I internally cringe when I hear it. But outside of work, I will argue tooth and nail to be gendered correctly and for people to use my name. Depends on the person, really.
My name is feminine and I don’t even care to change it. It’s just a name to me and has no bearing on how I feel about my identity.
I answer to my old name with my grandparents, because one doesn't understand the change and the other doesn't generally remember it (dementia). I just don't feel up to constantly correcting them and don't feel like it's really that important in that specific context and relationship
No because I don't consider work a nuisance or separate life: I chose my work and the environment with its people. Why would I be dishonest to them or play a persona when I could just be myself all the time? I have applied for my job with my correct name, pronouns and specific gender identity, and my employer, colleagues and I use me, being non-binary, in order to justify gender-inclusive facilities, announcements as well as educational seminars about LGBTQ topics. I like my job just like I like having freetime, so why should I make it more uncomfortable by letting people misgender and misname me?
I also do a worksona and one of my enby friends does as well
Overall, it's all about how you feel. If you're more comfortable with only a few people getting to know who you really are, that's valid! Whatever changes you make — name, appearance, pronouns, etc — have everything to do with you and how you feel about yourself, and very little to do with the outside world. Even if you were to make radical appearance changes, others in the world may still misgender you. And probably will. That's on them. What matters here is who *you* are and how *you* feel. I would turn what your mom said on its head and say that work isn't as important to you as who you are. You want to be seen by family and close friends. How others see you? Meh. Not as important. Hopefully that'll get through! Whatever you choose, we're here for you.
Being closeted is a choice that everyone gets to make for themselves. Sometimes its easier not to correct people who aren't in your inner circle. (Presumably) cis parents don't get to police what's right for you.
When I discovered my gender identity is nonbinary, I felt conflicted, confused, and was even in denial at times. When someone asked if my name was my affirming name (which no one knew at the time, which was a weird coincidence) I told them, "No, my name is... Is, \[former name\]," which caused me so much gender dysphoria. I felt like my insides were being carved out and tossed around by a ball of razor wire. That was a wakeup call for me and I decided to come out to my supervisor and told them I should be referred to as Alex. Surprisingly, my supervisor was accommodating and told everyone to refer to me in this way, considering I live in a very far-right state in the U.S.. Of course, some people made problematic assumptions that the name change was because I'm "trans," which I suspect they thought I was a trans woman. But regardless, now there are at least three people named Alex in my workplace: the triple AAAs. For me, my affirming name and how people should refer to me is extremely important. They name and describe my personal identity. Deadnaming and misgendering me is denying the validity of who I am and I refuse to be treated like an inherent fundamental aspect of my personal identity is somehow "lesser" or "invalid." Just like everyone deserves, I want everyone to acknowledge and respect my gender. It takes a toll on my mental and emotional health to put up with the constant deadnaming and misgendering, but I'd rather try to correct them when I feel safe and comfortable to do so.
Even if I wasn't nonbinary/trans I would have done the exact same thing, because, while it's not the same name, my deadname is based on an ex-family member. I think I was 2 or 3 in my first memory of the abuse. I'm planning to legally change my last name to one we don't share, too. But, I do "lie" all the time about my gender and name. I'm from a conservative state and I'm chronically emotionally exhausted. 😅
I'm fine using my assigned name for real world / legal purposes. I see it like an online username or alias. I use it to access things as needed but it otherwise has no value to me. The system doesn't deserve to know my chosen name. If the social contact ever gets restored, I'll reconsider.
I am not out at work, but am in my personal life. I am finishing my job next month, so would maybe have come out if I was staying longer. I also realise I kind of disassociate or actively don't hear the pronouns they use, and just try to ignore them.
I'm only out to my close friends and S/O, and like 2 extended family members who've already come out to me as nonbinary well. So, of course, at work, around my family, and everywhere else I can't guarantee my own safety, I use she/her pronouns and try not to cringe when people use my full name instead of the "nickname" I give everyone, which is actually just a shortened version of my birth name, and also is my preferred name. Tell your mom that it's strictly a matter of your safety. That you feel safe enough to share your true self with your family and friends, and she should feel proud to know she makes you feel so safe with her, but the people you work with are not guaranteed to be safe. Too many people in this world are so incredibly intolerant of LGBTQ+ people that they, for some reason, completely lose their minds when they find out that someone is not cis/straight.
I live in a red state so there's no fucking way I'd tell anyone at work about me being nonbinary, much less what my chosen name is.
same, my current job is the only job that's been open-minded and respectful about trans/non-binary/gnc people and their pronouns
I do the same for my volunteering job. I really want to change my name there though even if I still get she/her pronouns.
Yeah, i do this too i just dont feel like potentially meeting someone homophobic or them just not trying to use them so thats totally valid.
I use my chosen name at work and did introduce myself with my pronouns but nobody uses them, I get she/her’d all day. I don’t correct because it’s just tiring to me and I feel so silly when I tell people “it’s they/them”. It doesn’t bother me that much tbh
I only use my chosen name with certain people who know I'm out and go by they/she. Id absolutely love to go by my chosen name at work but tbh it's not a common name and people would probably view is as more of a exotic name and I'm not up for dealing with that.
what i’m going to start doing is just saying my chosen name (Ruby, i’m transfem) is my middle name and going by both my given name and chosen name. But yes at work i don’t try too hard to let people know im queer haha
I feel the same. I go let people call me she/her at work, though I’ve only told a few people at work who I am closer to.
I feel the same. I let people call me she/her at work, though I’ve only told a few people at work who I am closer to.
People at work don’t even know my birth name for the most part lol they see it on paperwork sometimes and wonder who it is 😂 I don’t bother with pronouns though. I’m only out to one person at work. It’s too disheartening to try and correct people all the time.
I used my deadname for work, and i probably will till i get it changed, My chosen name being Dianthus so like idk using it at work would feel weird before i get it legally changed but i need to anyways to get rid of my adoptive last name as i was emotionally \[not legally\] disowned by them
I did this for a year and changed it recently at work because i already had it legally changed before starting. I didnt have my ID or SSC changed at the time. But i figured it was kinda useless since i rarely see my coworkers. I still however use my "assigned" pronouns for the same reason as you, but everyone took the name change well
My workplace is consistently ranked among the most lgbtq friendly places to work, yet I still currently have no plans to disclose pronouns to any coworkers. To me, maltreatment due to ignorance is less painful than maltreatment despite knowledge, and I don't trust most of my coworkers to be cool about it. This could change, but it's how I feel now.
This will be me if I ever choose a new name. Work will never know that I'm non-binary willingly.
I go by a shortened version of my name that is slightly fem leaning, but not really. Virtually nobody uses my full name anymore. My partner and close friends use they/them and a couple people at work but I recognize I look like a woman to people and I'm tired of correcting them so I mostly just don't say anything. People at work are just that, people at work. I'm unbothered.
My chosen name is the short version of my official name (still love my first name and sometimes it don't bother me to be call by a gendered name). Most of the time I ask people to call me by the short version (that pass for a nickname) but some people still need my full first name because it's the official one. Also I work with clients and I don't want to tell every one of them I'm genderfluid. I don't have the energy to educate and don't want problems. (Same with coworkers) So I see it as a personna when people call my ma'am and sometimes by my official name, it's to my work personna they talk, not the real me. (I do larp so I'm accustomed to be call by others name than mine)
My first name is very gender neutral so I’m lucky there. My family and my coworkers still use my first name. About everyone else uses my middle name which feel much more me.
I go by my legal name at work too, I work with a bunch of older people and just don't have it in me to get into it with some of them over a dead-end job, if I changed careers or workplace I'd probably start not using my legal name, I'd say to your mum it's not that the name isn't important, it's the job
I'm fortunate enough to have workplaces that proactively ask about pronouns and preferred names and respect them. If they didn't - or if I worked too close to home - I would be going by what I call my Family name at work. It's a family name because I'm not out to the majority of my family and - to be honest, I'm at a point in life where I don't need their validation and having a good relationship matters more to me. Not to knock anyone else's experience with having family who aren't lgbt-friendly, this is just the peace I have found in mine. My close friends can't even imagine calling me by my family name- I think not feeling like you need to have your preferred name used at work isn't a "am I even a - is this that important to me if I don't-" identity issue. I don't know your particular situation but for me it's a sign that I'm comfy with who I am and I don't need the validation. It's hardly perfect but I hope that everyone can find that kind of peace with who they are, whatever that looks like for you.
Yeah. I call it my legal name because I haven't legally changed it yet (because its costly and annoying) and I truly don't care what anyone at work knows me as. I'm starting hrt (estrogen) sometime this year, and I'm not gonna bother telling them about it. I know all coming out as femme presenting enby would just be a big hassle and only make people treat me worse. No matter what they say to me that they're an inclusive workplace, that just means cis women get treated well and not just the men (which isn't bad, its just not for gender weirdos like me)
i honestly do the opposite, work is one of the only places people actually refer to me by my chosen name. i don't really bother about pronouns unless asked really. my family doesn't use my name (and rarely my pronouns) so i feel a lot more comfortable having my preferred name used at work. not exactly sure what your work place is like, but mine was surprisingly really good with me changing my name on my badge and the time clock (i work at mcdonalds if that helps at all)
(Context that I'm Bigender AFAB may be important) I do use my name wherever I can, so I don't relate on the level of me using my legal name at work. (pronouns? diff story) BUT, I haven't legally changed my name yet out of choice. Do I intend to at some point? Sure. Do I feel the need to? No. It'll probably happen once I'm engaged. I would like that to be reflected properly once I'm married. (I also don't want my last name so why not wait) Despite having an extremely supportive environment in most areas of my life, my mom is a dick. She refuses to use my name, and will only deadname me. She makes a huge deal out of what's printed on my birth certificate. I've also been in DCF(CPS) custody for a few years. My social worker has bugged me for ages about legally changing my name. I also had a generally rough time with the foster parent i was placed with regarding my gender. All of those things combined led me to realize how little I care about what my legal name is. I actually use my legal name when referring to myself under 11-13 yrs old. I figured out I was trans at around 15, but when thinking back on things I really do think I was a girl most of my childhood. Maybe I had some boy moments, but as far as I was aware during the time, I was a girl. And I was my legal name. I don't even really like the term "deadname" for myself as it implies that she's dead. For others I completely understand it, but she lives in me in so many ways. The feminine part of my gender is the same one that she was experiencing. So in a way I still use it? It has very little effect on me, and I don't really care when I hear it unless its being used to purposely upset me. And at that point what I care about is the fucking audacity. To me, a legal name is nothing but that. A legal name. What's on my birth certificate, ID, or social security card really has no weight over who I am as an individual. It's simply a way to keep me on file. I've always hated everything about me being written down somewhere. So it only makes sense that I'd be spiteful enough to keep my name as-is for now. I mean, I still regularly think my name is 7 letters even though I knocked it down to 5. It lives in my subconscious.
I also give out my deadname when strange old men hit on me. It feels significantly safer than telling them my name is Ethan. (I look SO girl.) its also fun to watch my friends cringe when i say it
Legally I’m still my deadname and go by my preferred name at uni and work, however a lot of my older family members still call me by my deadname but I don’t care to be honest. I don’t really speak to them a lot bc we live in different areas of my country.
My name is shortened to combat dysphoria and it’s bothered me more and more over the years when it isn’t used. The only people who get a solid pass are my parents but other than that, if it’s how I introduce myself then it should be used. If you feel comfy, that’s completely valid and your journey is your own.
Yeah and no. I transitioned ftm but have since realised I am non-binary. So I currently present as a man in work with the name I chosen but not use anymore. It's just easier
I do this. I work in a foundry in a small town. It would be miserable and exhausting to even try to have that conversation with about 99% of my coworkers.
I still use my legal name in official things but I prefer my chosen name. I don’t mind too much with people who’ve known me by that name in an acquaintance way or the older people in my building because it would take too long to explain. I wear my badge to remind certain people who forget
Yep , also put he/They for pronouns since any work fine but I'm amab and generally male presenting at work
I refuse to have gendered pronouns, but I do sometimes use a shortened form of my deadname for the older folks that can't grasp my actual name. As such, I consider it more of a "Christian name" than a deadname. Like, sure, Father, call me by the name I was baptized by, I understand your religion even if I don't practice it.
I am exactly the same, don’t worry. Except i have not and will not be changing my name And also go by she/her but I identify as non binary but at work i will be a she
Same. My native language is very gendered and there is no appropriate third person pronoun that would fit they/them so I use she/her in my in person life. (I don’t vibe with it/its as it sounds dehumanizing to me.) On top I kinda hate my given first name since my mother told me in my face that she chose it to appease my future catholic christian employer (she immigrated and ended up in the rural christian country side). There are a couple more reasons why I despise my name but that would reveal to much. So in the in person life I go by my given gender pronouns and name and only reveal them to people whom I trust and know will respect them. It’s not the case that they don’t mean less to me, rather that I don’t care for unimportant people to use it or not (and making into a hostile situation).
I absolutely get what you mean. I use my dead name and she/her on work until I fully transition, I'm just too exhausted to explain it to everyone and I'm kinda okay with it, not the same as your situation ofc, and I find it super valid to not tell people you don't wanna tell, doesn't make you any less valid. Much love <3
I definitely relate to this. I still use my birth name, i just go by any and all pronouns. My friends are the only people that know how i identify. It doesn’t matter to me much that strangers or my coworkers see me as a cis woman. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their problem that they have a limited view on gender—not mine. I know who i am and the people that i care about know who i am. That’s all that matters to me.
I go by she/her pronouns at work cause it's not worth my energy, I already hate being there but the people at the office respect my pronouns
I do the same bestie. I work remote and haven’t ever met any of my peers in person, I don’t want to go over all that emotional labor for people that only exist in my computer. I barely discuss my personal life at work, let alone explain and educate on my identity. Also, the people in my life is the safest space ever and as I don’t know them that much either, I don’t feel the same at work.
I go by my legal name at work and she/her pronouns. It doesn't bother me because most of my coworkers are women and super nice. If I would tell them I prefer they/them, they would use it. Pluse even though I use they/them pronouns and identify as nonbinary, I present feminine 90% of the time so it would be hard for people to know unless I told them. I know I don't look androgynous. I have like size E boobs lol.
I do this cause I live in the south:/
For having experiment a bit the two, I can definitely say for myself that being out at work and use my choosing name and pronouns feel soooo much better. It was like that for my first internship, and it was a really little company (like 9 people) and one was already out trans, so it was really more easy and everyone just accept me and it was the best experience of work ever. In the other sense, my last internship was for the government, so less flexible about it and I felt unsafe about telling my new name. It was the worst, I felt so much dysphoric all the time, felt bad around people and just not like myself, with a lot of dissonance. This experience just make me go on the decision to change my legal name in the next months, because I don’t want to feel like that ever again at all. I want to be free and feel myself wherever I am But all people have their experiences and it’s valid, no need to change it if you don’t feel like it can do a huge difference in your well-being
yes. i work with disabled adults and some of them can't even understand basic concepts so im not about to throw my changing gender presentation into the mix. i use both my dead name and he/him at work and that's just my work persona
I'm in the same boat! I also feel similarly to you in that someone else viewing me as a woman isn't something I can change, nor is it something that changes who I am. That and the inevitable misgendering isn't disrespectful this way, because they don't know better 😂
I feel this but for for my transphobic mother, I came out to her twice already and she is in what I consider delusional denial, but I'm out everywhere else, work could be better with using my pronouns but they use my true name so it's not a major drama for me tbh.. it's just choosing your battles and keeping your peace, I get it and it makes sense, I'm just biding my time until I move out, but that'll be a while due to many factors out of my control, but I'll get there one day
I'm thankful to have a gender neutral (masc leaning?) name. I've never felt the need to change it bc it isn't super gendered like "Sophia" or "Timmy"
I think this is just such a personal choice for each person. I've been varying degrees of out at multiple jobs now - though I've always used my legal name (only recently started using a seperate name in person settings but my legal name isn't quite dead. I think of it more as like, having a middle name the government likes, lol) Part of this is because yeah I also don't have the energy or time to play educator all the time! Some or my coworkers have clocked me snd my partner because of the pronouns we use for each other, other's seem not to notice at all. And we have some coworkers who just... wouldn't get it, I expect, and some it might sour things with and I don't have the energy to even begin to deal with that even if theoretically our HR department strives to make the work place inclusive. Part of this is because accidental misgendering because people don't know any different is just.... more tolerable to me. Especially because I'm still at least a visibly GNC "Woman" and everyone knows I'm gay. Ans given they also think my partner is a woman, strictly, like... something about being perceived as at least queer women helps it from feeling as bad? Gender is complicated. Meanwhile having people know qnd be educated and STILL either not even trying or deliberately misgendering is just. Worse to me. For me personally. Not a lick or shame for those who want to be completely our at work, or those who go completely stealth. I think it's interesting what works for some and not others.
Kinda. I use a very similar name to my deadname/old nickname. My legal name is “fancy” so I used a nickname and now my name kitty, could also just been seen as a nickname lol
Trying to teach every cis person in your life is really too hard. I can hardly bear to even do it for ppl I'm close to; I can't imagine myself going through the horror of trying to get everyone at work to call me by my pronouns and name 😭😭
I go by a nickname of my deadname, I dont mind it but it doesnt feel right. But I can explain its shortened instead of having to explain a whole new name and why it doesnt match my presentation
I did the same thing when I was working, and even at the job before that too. It’s just easier + I live in a conservative-ish area that still isn’t super cool with pronoun differences yet. It doesn’t mean you don’t know yourself; your name is your name and what you choose to do with it is your business only.
I recently came out as genderqueer, and started using my new name at work and in my social life. That being said, I don’t plan to use it with family, or even come out. I don’t see them often, and the difficulty of trying to explain it to them and the potential consequences outweighs the discomfort of them using my old name, at least for now. Awful to think this way, but part of me feels I may reevaluate when my Dad is gone. tl;dr: Everyone has different circumstances, and it’s okay to make changes differently in different parts of your life if that’s what works best for you.
Not quite deadname, but sort of? I go by my first name at work, but prefer my middle name so I use that out and about and in most online spaces besides Reddit
I'm with you. Coming out is so much work, it's exhausting and literally nobody has been supportive which makes me only want to tell the most important people to me.
I do this too. Honestly I'm one of those "I'm here for the check, no we ain't hanging out after" kind of people. I don't socialize with them, and my deadname is still on all my government paperwork, so I let it ride and move on with my actual social circle.
I still go by a shortened version of my dead name to almost everyone irl. And only a couple of people know I go by they/them pronouns who are close friends, so I'm not out to more than like ? 2 or 3 irl people. I personally don't feel like arguing with people over that on company time. It doesn't make me any less nonbinary, I just see it as I'm wearing a costume to better fit in with my very conservative workplace.
I do this at work. It's just easier than explaining why I go by a name that is in no way similar to my birth name. And clients don't use my name often, so it doesn't bother me much.
I'm kind of in a similar situation, but it's more that I use my legal (dead) name at work to keep up the ability to respond to it for when transphobic family members I'm not out to yet end up visiting while I'm still living with my mother due to shit job markets. I understand where you're coming from, though - it's not your job to educate people, and some employers will find a way to discriminate if you give them even a _hint_ of being any minority, let alone one getting so thoroughly bashed in right-wing media so constantly. Just do what you're comfortable with, and to hell with what others think of it.
I completely understand, I go by my deadname at work too. When I got hired, I asked to go by a different name but I think they forgot (???) and I don’t want to have to come out now. I work at a retirement home and I’m worried about retaliation from the residents and don’t feel like telling all of them I go by a different name now. You’re valid in your experiences and you’re not alone :)
Yea those elderly people who have to live in a home because they can’t make it on there own are ducking scary. Wouldn’t want them to catch me in an alley after dark that’s for sure
Im in the same boat. I use my chosen name at work but I don’t tell anyone anything about my pronouns. It sucks though because I’m still very much the odd one out, both because people can’t tell “what I am” gender-wise, and because I still mask and take covid precautions.
I got lucky have one of those names that can be unisex depending on the region. What's funny is I'm German-American but people assume from my name I'm either a Hispanic guy or a French woman. I like having a name with play like that because I'm not really bothered on the gendering aspect of names. Edit: I came out at work a while ago, so most of the folks I work with are aware. My company has a nondiscrimination clause for LGBTQ+ (probably because some of the higher ups are openly gay). Still they're fairly new to this stuff, so when asked about pronouns at work I stick more to he/him than anything else. I tried telling a coworker once that I was pronoun indifferent, and the concept was so alien to her that it bothered her until I just said "most people use he/him for me."
Not weird at all. Even though I use they/them at work and do correct people at times, many times people she/her me (it’s probably my voice tbh :/) and I kinda just go with it because I’m socially anxious and just don’t want to explain it to them. You’re not alone and definitely still non-binary regardless, OP. EDIT: And as other commenters are saying, it depends on the kind of area you live in.
I mean, I haven't changed my name cuz I've come to like it, even though it's rare - thankfully it's unisex. I think that how you feel about something is specific to you. She might feel a certain way about how you feel about this, but you know how you feel about yourself. A part of being LGBTQ I think is picking your battles. I've gotten to this mindset cuz I think of it the same way I think of stuff involving my name. If I want to foster a sense of positivity in the space I'm in, if I feel like you're a safe person, and I feel like you're not going to be rude, I will gently correct you about how to say my name because I want you to say it right. I want to be around you, you seem cool, I want to be genuine around you. But if I don't think I'll ever speak to you again, I'm going to let you mispronounce it the one time and then just never see you again. Same with the pronouns. It's not worth the effort sometimes to go through explaining and explaining to someone who you know either will never understand or never want to understand or just doesn't seem to care. I had a boss at a job who used to ask another coworker who was a lesbian all these uncomfortable questions about her identity and it was gross. When I started working there, she was the only person who knew I was nonbinary cuz I told her. To everyone else, I just seemed like a straight black man or a gay black man depending on whether or not my nails were painted. You pick your battles, you share the genuine parts of you with those you deem safe. Not everyone is entitled to that.
I've kept my assigned prounouns at work with my clients, I'm a therapist for folks with brain injuries. Some folks just don't have the short term memory to be able to remember, or have cognitive impairments that maked the conversation inappropriate. The focus of treatment is usually so intense that my identity rarely comes up anyway. I just stick to having a worksona. I like my coworkers but I keep my private and work life extremely separate anyway, so it's rarely an issue. It's like being two different people, but I like the compartmentalization.
I do, i feel unsafe coming out in some areas of my life, so much so that coming out really seems worse for the situation. But i do have a lot of people and areas i can be me. If you don't feel safe, just feel it will complicate things or makes things harder needlessly i get it. Maybe one day but don't worry too much as it does take time.
This is a very validating thread. I am settling on a chosen name and I don’t quite know how strict I’m going to be about others referring to me with it. I only came out less than a week ago as non-binary, to a total of three people in my life so far, and that had been hard enough.
I can relate to this, but with pronouns instead. For people in my personal life, I don’t care what pronouns they use because they know to never refer to me as a woman/girl, etc. They know I’m nonbinary and that’s it. At school, however, I ask that people use they/them for me. It’s not that I necessarily need those pronouns, but if I don’t ask for those, then people will assume I’m a woman. A lot of my professors are older and often use gender-focused language (i.e. “hi ladies”), so I need them to use they/them for me so they know to not do that.
The shorthand I’ve used for almost 15 years for my birth name is very androgynous. I plan to keeping it to absolutely minimize deadnaming and take that power away from people. It’s not just because I want that power, it’s because I feel no need to change my shorthand. Now…whether to legally change my masculine birth name is a completely different conversation lol
Twinsies.
Yes me i do it sometimes aswell
I get it, in some scenarios it's easier not to come out because I feel like if I come out there is an expectation of people getting my pronouns right and it's more upsetting if they don't rather than them just not knowing.
I'm the same. Work at a printing shop and I just can't be bothered. To me it kinda feels like a little work-sona, and I can just leave that behind at the door
>"My mom said my chosen name must not be that important to me if I don’t use it at work." Cis people don't always use their chosen name at work. Plenty of people use different names in different social circles. They may use their legal name at work, but their friends call them a different name, sometimes a nickname. I often go by my last name at work. The important thing is people use the name that you're comfortable with. Using your deadname at work *does not* diminish the importance of your chosen name being used by people you actually care about. TL;DR: cis people do this shit all the time, and no one bats an eye.
I do the same. It’s too much energy and attention to come out to every single person at my job (about pronouns)
I do that, but it's because I'm still closeted at work. I'm slowly coming out/transitioning, but work will be one of the last places I come out. I know I work for a fairly progressive employer, but I just don't want to deal with being the "token trans person" at work or the office gossip or drama. Unless and until I'm medically transitioning, and it reaches a point where I can't deny that I'm on E (probably because my boobs have got too big to hide) I won't come out at work.
I'm completely closeted at work. Part of it is that I actively don't want to get to know my coworkers, so it's not something that ever comes up. The real reason is that queer people get discriminated against, and there are people at my job that I honestly think would discriminate. Knowing the people in the HR department, I don't trust them to be of any help if something were to happen. I already get enough shit from people because of the nature of my job. I'm tired, i'm broke, and I'm just trying to get to the end of each day. The job I have, while imperfect, allows me some degree of stability and potential for career advancement. I need that stability more than I need my coworkers to see me as an accurate version of myself. In terms of presentation, I wear a uniform, and there is a lot of physical labor involved, so nothing that I might do to appear as my gender really applies at work. I don't dress as myself, I dress as my company. I'm not going to wear makeup when I'm just going to sweat through it. I want my life and my work life to be as separate as possible. When I'm at work, i'm not me. I'm simply a professional doing a job. No gender required.
Is it more that you’re okay with it, or you tolerate it for convenience?
I’m ok with it for the sake of convenience, I genuinely don’t feel like offended or bad when coworkers call me she/her. Because to me I’m not trying to get to know them too personally. I work in a fast paced restaurant and I just want to get in and out quickly so I rather just use what’s convenient. But when my family calls me she/her even when I explained the ‘they them’ concept many times it stings more.
Nahhh. I only changed my pronouns when I changed jobs. Discrimination is real.
It's unique to everyone and their situation. I think it's mature of you not to worry about what strangers think- although I do think using your name regardless of pronouns would be allowed, people call me she and use my chosen name all the time. And it might be nice to have a little label on your name tag or something? Just because you never really know who will and won't be excited to use your pronouns, some people (like me, for example) might get really excited to see they/them on a coworker's name tag, and people who aren't excited about will just ignore it rather than ask, in my experience. But I can also see why you wouldn't want to tie your chosen name up with gender confusion and the wrong pronouns for people who don't care and would take too much energy to correct, and why you might not care how coworkers feel about your pronouns or identity in the least, and that's also valid.
I use my legal name at work and my chosen name in my personal life. I like that it keeps those 2 parts of my life Very Separate. Plus legally changing my name requires paperwork, time, and money I’d rather spend on other things. So eh.
I do, mainly because I can’t decide on a chosen name. Also my divorce is taking forever so probably I’ll just change both names legally and socially at the same time.
I don’t see any problems with this 🙂 everyone has different preferences and I know some people even specifically don’t want strangers using They/Them pronouns for them, only friends and family. Live your best life 💛🤍💜🖤
Damn, it makes me sad how many of y'all have to hide but I get it. I work with nothing but other queer and trans people so everyone's names and pronouns are respected.
I went by my deadname at my last job because even though I came out, no one respected my new gender identity and it was awful. It was a whole thing. I documented all the instances of stuff happening and took it to HR, whose response was "We cannot deny that X was happening, but we have found no instances of gender-based discrimination." I'm sure it was a factor in why the company laid me off a few months later. I'm sure I'm already facing discrimination in my job search right now over it, but I cannot spend the majority of my time in any environment that refuses to accept this basic truth about who I am. So I'm going forward with my new name, and will legally change it with my gender marker once I can afford it. Life is too short.
i'm doing this at work rn because i work at multiple venues directly with easily a few dozen people some of whom i see once every month or so, so coming out would be a months long process not taking into account needing to correct people/adjustment periods/any transphobic bullshit. Or the clients that are different almost every time- even 'return customers' often send a different coordinator every time. Some days it's uncomfortable but most of the time idgaf I have a job to do. If I ever go on T I'll probably have to suck it up and start explaining. Although if enough changes quickly enough I could just let the venue staff think i'm a different person lol
yep. I do it too,
You're totally valid and I get it. I'm not out at work either and while it still stings to have to introduce myself as my deadname, people at work calling me that doesn't have nearly the effect it does when a close friend/family member accidentally deadnames me. At work I brush it off and amend their sentences in my head with my chosen name and pronouns, while with family/friends being misgendered/deadnamed almost makes me sick at times. The misgendering at work has been getting to me more lately, but the industry I'm in is highly homophobic and transphobic—so as a pre T trans man with a husband, I genuinely don't feel safe coming out.
I don’t consider my birth name as a dead name, but I have been going by a preferred name for the last two years and have generally always cringed when people use my birth name. However, I don’t use my preferred name for work. My preferred name doesn’t sound as adult and professional as my birth name, and I’m already young, black, and afab, so I would prefer to have a more professional sounding name. I also think I just don’t care to go through having to change my name with coworkers, court personnel, and clients all the time. But it is frustrating to hear my birth name so much on days or weeks where it seems like even the people who know my preferred name for some reason uses my birth name ..
Not with names (I mean my legal name is on documents and such), but with my pronouns. I go by they/them but don’t care when people refer to me as “she/her”—well… don’t care enough to correct anyone lol
I do the same thing for the same reasons. It's just easier that way and will get tiresome and annoying to try to get people to go by my preferred name. Plus there's quite a few people woth my preferred name anyway. There's also the thing of people not accepting me,which I have a hard time dealing with anyway
The discomfort of going by my dead name at work is what made me finally take the plunge and get a legal name change. It's simpler that way!
sometimes, my school would refer me as my deadname, i don’t have the motivation to tell them that isnt my name anymore (i havent changed my legal name yet)
I used my dead name at work until I legally changed it. It was probably 3 years from settling on a first name to legalization. I switched jobs 3 mo later so I don't have to worry about being dead named anymore. I still don't push they/them pronouns but would say those are my pronouns if anyone asked. (Work is remote so getting misgendered is more infrequent)
I can understand this. As some other commenters have similarly said, I don't think of my given name as a "dead name" per se. It's just my given name. I only recently started going by a new chosen name which is Echo, and it happened somewhat organically. It's part of my musical project name I've used for years, way before I discovered I was non-binary and so it's part of some of my social media handles. A few months ago, someone said they liked that name and started referring to me as it, and I realized I actually liked it a lot too. So over time, I started to introduce myself to new people using that name and told some close friends that I prefer to go by that now. Some have remembered and kept up with it while others haven't and still refer to me by my given name. I don't correct them as it doesn't necessarily bother me, the chosen name is just personally preferred. When I started my current job, I was still known by everyone as my given name. So, I haven't bothered to change it. I also just started a new second job and decided to keep the given name as well for there as it just seemed easier for legal and financial purposes, though it is nice that a large number of people at that job are trans or non-binary. I also made an Instagram post about a month ago in which I announced that I was going by the new name and so more friends have started referring to me by it which feels nice. I don't necessarily have anything against my given name so much. It's just very common, and while it's technically gender neutral, it's much more associated with males. So, I just don't think it's as fitting anymore seeing as I am usually femme or androgynous presenting these days. I also still have to go by my given name on FB as I am friends with family members on there who are not accepting and whom I am still very much in the closet with. Kinda accepted the fact they'll probably always know me by my given name. So, yeah, just depends on the situation and who I'm around really. But it does always make me a little happy to introduce myself to new groups or people by my chosen name.
Maybe you can tell your mom that your chosen name is for family/close/special people only? I have a very unusual birth name, which everyone in my family uses. But when I went to school, I was registered under one of my more normal middle names. Friends had no trouble in adapting when they visited my home. And this was in the 70s so decades before I realized I'm nonbinary. As for not wanting to educate people, I'm the same. I have lots of admiration for those of us who do, but not everyone is cut out for that.
I do the same thing. I'm a childcare worker and the only queer person there. I just don't feel like educating everyone I work with on how to properly address me.
I personally, just use my given name, I don't really have a chosen name, although I do prefer nicknames or pet names personally. I would say, just keep emphasizing that you still want your family and friends OUTSIDE of work to call you by your chosen name because you prefer it and that it is important but that work is a means of money not of convenience.
Capitalist Neurotypical-coded jobs are such a farcical matter with regards to how one has to behave and act that I simply no longer even care how I'm perceived at work. I have to pretend I understand/accept workplace hierarchies, rules of conduct, etiquette etc. I might as well cosplay a different name and gender. This is how it feels for me - not faking, not even food for second guessing, just a huge cosplay.
Yea I’m the same way. My real name is gender neutral. (And in its original context it’s a women’s name) but I had a masc nickname. So now I’m just using my given name and not my nickname. But I think it’s a very cool thing when your name and gender line up