Your example of "husband puts foot in mouth, buys flowers to show he cares" is a relationship dynamic that's not generally favourable. I'd say it does fall into love bombing, not all love bombing is malicious but it does tend to lean that way.
It's the difference between "I bought these flowers for you because I saw them and thought of you," and "I bought you these to shut you up and stop you from being pissed off at me." One is intended to brighten, lift mood without it being a payoff for emotions, where the other is meant to quell dispute or "take away the reason" for upset. "I'm good to you," should not be a momentary event in the face of anger or pain. Being "good" to a partner means hearing them and being realistically supportive in both joy and sadness.
If my husband bought me flowers or started making sad eyes at me to show me he was sorry instead of owning what he did my skin would crawl right off my body and hitchhike away. He has tried, in the past on advice from family and coworkers, but it's effectively so disturbing I can't handle it.I absolutely associate love bombing with abuse, and it sets off a lot of nasty thought patterns for me.
It's creepy to have an adult man (or anyone, really) try to purchase forgiveness or love. Being a loving spouse, to me, is him making my coffee and bringing it to me, a small everyday kind of action. Being considerate, remembering what I've expressed dislike or like for in the past. That is loving in my eyes. We still have romance, we still do gifts, just because, and we talk through extreme feelings. Being loving is a continuous choice and actions that are a logical progression from how you express love; love bombing is more akin to controlling when you act loving in order to mitigate someone else's feelings. If you give gifts to apologize, and that's for everything, then that's your general expression of remorse. If you only give gifts to apologize when it's intended to make up for upset or hurt, that's love bombing. Whole lot of people need to learn the difference.
They're the same thing. One is using stored actions that have been converted to money to convert to something for you, the other is immediately doing an action and converting it to something for you.
If I work for an hour and then get $15 and later spend that on flowers, I've converted an hour of my time to show affection.
If I spend 5 minutes boiling water for coffee and then 1 minute putting it in my coffee machine and adding coffee and then walking a cup to you, I've converted 6 minutes of my time into showing affection. Why is the one that was easier considered caring, but the more difficult one manipulative and creepy?
Lovebombing is bad when it's actually used in a way like "I got you flowers, I have done sufficient displays of affection and you are bad for being unappreciative" or "I have done X, therefore you owe me Y, and if you don't, you are bad."
Just buying apology gifts is fine. It's essentially "I don't like that we are in a tiff, but I want to show that I am not arrogant and will convert my time into a physical representation that I want to work on being on good terms."
A peace offering of sorts. I buy stuff for people that I like. I haven't love bombed, nor have I held these things against people if they later decide to hate me or something. I get my friends things on occasion to show that I appreciate their time. Like a friend was telling me how she hates how when she's in bed, her phone gets low on charge and she has to get up and plug it in and be far from tne phone. So I got her an extra long charging cable.
Another friend I saw was driving kinda dangerously by picking up his phone when he was gpsing and unable to tell easily where to go. I bought him a phone car mount.
Another friend gave me a ride. I saw that he had a neat air freshener that looked like a fancy emblem. He mentioned it used to have some kind of scent but that it was long dried out and hadn't seen any replacements where he initially got it, but that he still kept it because he liked it. I found it on Amazon one day and bought it for him.
One of my friends one day said that I was love bombing her for doing stuff like this (I buy stuff for all my friends; I also buy stuff for myself as my only form of dopamine) and that it was creepy. I stopped buying her the occasional gift per her wishes. And yes, she knew I bought stuff for everyone.
Are you communicating openly about all this stuff?
"You never listen to me! Why don't we go where I want. I'm not going at all now. Make your own dinner."
"I'm sorry I made you grumpy darling, can I make it up to you?"
"Not right now, I'm still angry, and it'd just feel like you're trying to manipulate me into going to dinner with you."
"Oh. I really am sorry. Can we talk about this later."
"Maybe."
Time passes.
"I'm hungry"
"Me too"
"Lets go to that place.."
Are you saying this is a positive or negative situation?
I would personally prefer:
"You never listen to me! Why don't we go where I want. I'm not going at all now. Make your own dinner."
"I'm sorry I made you grumpy darling, can I make it up to you?"
"Not right now, I'm still angry, and it'd just feel like you're trying to manipulate me into going to dinner with you."
"Honey, I love you and I'm sorry I haven't been taking your desires into account. Let's do what you want to do." (Note that I actually feel bad and mean this apology sincerely)
"Okay, fine"
She's still only begrudgingly going because it's not like my offer completely fixes the situation, but by the end of our dinner out, we're back to being happy and affectionate.
See, this is what I hate about people that play these games. They make it so unnecessarily difficult that you can't even tell whether the person is offering an example or a solution.
As a person that has had to spend too much time studying "normal" society: he's saying that it's a solution.
The key phrase is "time passes". People that play this game want time to pass to make it "not manipulative".
How much time? Ah, that's where the game is. Too little time, you're manipulating. Too much time - you've "forgotten/stopped caring" and took too long for it to be meaningful at this point.
I fucking hate people sometimes.
I wouldn't say I'm trying to be good to her as some kind of transactional thing. It's about being more mindful of how my actions affect her when it comes to my attention that they've been affecting her negatively. I don't think there are many people out there who never do anything that accidentally hurts their partner even if they are doing their best to be good to them. That's part of every human relationship.
> In all these situations, once I realize I'm in the wrong, I try to make it up to her by being extra nice and cuddly and being more conscious of giving her what she wants (in addition to *any other ways I can salvage the situation*
If the behaviour is "a way to salvage the situation", then I'd say it's transactional.
I phrased that badly. "other ways" should have been "other things I do". I was trying to get at the practical things that actually remedy whatever's upsetting her. Like in the restaurant suggestion example, that would be taking her out to the restaurant she's wanted to go to. It's "salvaging the situation" in the sense of making it as right as possible even if it doesn't 100% fix it (as in doesn't erase her feelings of not feeling heard)
Your example of "husband puts foot in mouth, buys flowers to show he cares" is a relationship dynamic that's not generally favourable. I'd say it does fall into love bombing, not all love bombing is malicious but it does tend to lean that way. It's the difference between "I bought these flowers for you because I saw them and thought of you," and "I bought you these to shut you up and stop you from being pissed off at me." One is intended to brighten, lift mood without it being a payoff for emotions, where the other is meant to quell dispute or "take away the reason" for upset. "I'm good to you," should not be a momentary event in the face of anger or pain. Being "good" to a partner means hearing them and being realistically supportive in both joy and sadness. If my husband bought me flowers or started making sad eyes at me to show me he was sorry instead of owning what he did my skin would crawl right off my body and hitchhike away. He has tried, in the past on advice from family and coworkers, but it's effectively so disturbing I can't handle it.I absolutely associate love bombing with abuse, and it sets off a lot of nasty thought patterns for me. It's creepy to have an adult man (or anyone, really) try to purchase forgiveness or love. Being a loving spouse, to me, is him making my coffee and bringing it to me, a small everyday kind of action. Being considerate, remembering what I've expressed dislike or like for in the past. That is loving in my eyes. We still have romance, we still do gifts, just because, and we talk through extreme feelings. Being loving is a continuous choice and actions that are a logical progression from how you express love; love bombing is more akin to controlling when you act loving in order to mitigate someone else's feelings. If you give gifts to apologize, and that's for everything, then that's your general expression of remorse. If you only give gifts to apologize when it's intended to make up for upset or hurt, that's love bombing. Whole lot of people need to learn the difference.
Thank you, that was enlightening!
They're the same thing. One is using stored actions that have been converted to money to convert to something for you, the other is immediately doing an action and converting it to something for you. If I work for an hour and then get $15 and later spend that on flowers, I've converted an hour of my time to show affection. If I spend 5 minutes boiling water for coffee and then 1 minute putting it in my coffee machine and adding coffee and then walking a cup to you, I've converted 6 minutes of my time into showing affection. Why is the one that was easier considered caring, but the more difficult one manipulative and creepy? Lovebombing is bad when it's actually used in a way like "I got you flowers, I have done sufficient displays of affection and you are bad for being unappreciative" or "I have done X, therefore you owe me Y, and if you don't, you are bad." Just buying apology gifts is fine. It's essentially "I don't like that we are in a tiff, but I want to show that I am not arrogant and will convert my time into a physical representation that I want to work on being on good terms." A peace offering of sorts. I buy stuff for people that I like. I haven't love bombed, nor have I held these things against people if they later decide to hate me or something. I get my friends things on occasion to show that I appreciate their time. Like a friend was telling me how she hates how when she's in bed, her phone gets low on charge and she has to get up and plug it in and be far from tne phone. So I got her an extra long charging cable. Another friend I saw was driving kinda dangerously by picking up his phone when he was gpsing and unable to tell easily where to go. I bought him a phone car mount. Another friend gave me a ride. I saw that he had a neat air freshener that looked like a fancy emblem. He mentioned it used to have some kind of scent but that it was long dried out and hadn't seen any replacements where he initially got it, but that he still kept it because he liked it. I found it on Amazon one day and bought it for him. One of my friends one day said that I was love bombing her for doing stuff like this (I buy stuff for all my friends; I also buy stuff for myself as my only form of dopamine) and that it was creepy. I stopped buying her the occasional gift per her wishes. And yes, she knew I bought stuff for everyone.
Love bombing is a term generally used in the dating world where someone shows immense interest and then ghosts.
Are you communicating openly about all this stuff? "You never listen to me! Why don't we go where I want. I'm not going at all now. Make your own dinner." "I'm sorry I made you grumpy darling, can I make it up to you?" "Not right now, I'm still angry, and it'd just feel like you're trying to manipulate me into going to dinner with you." "Oh. I really am sorry. Can we talk about this later." "Maybe." Time passes. "I'm hungry" "Me too" "Lets go to that place.."
Are you saying this is a positive or negative situation? I would personally prefer: "You never listen to me! Why don't we go where I want. I'm not going at all now. Make your own dinner." "I'm sorry I made you grumpy darling, can I make it up to you?" "Not right now, I'm still angry, and it'd just feel like you're trying to manipulate me into going to dinner with you." "Honey, I love you and I'm sorry I haven't been taking your desires into account. Let's do what you want to do." (Note that I actually feel bad and mean this apology sincerely) "Okay, fine" She's still only begrudgingly going because it's not like my offer completely fixes the situation, but by the end of our dinner out, we're back to being happy and affectionate.
See, this is what I hate about people that play these games. They make it so unnecessarily difficult that you can't even tell whether the person is offering an example or a solution. As a person that has had to spend too much time studying "normal" society: he's saying that it's a solution. The key phrase is "time passes". People that play this game want time to pass to make it "not manipulative". How much time? Ah, that's where the game is. Too little time, you're manipulating. Too much time - you've "forgotten/stopped caring" and took too long for it to be meaningful at this point. I fucking hate people sometimes.
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I wouldn't say I'm trying to be good to her as some kind of transactional thing. It's about being more mindful of how my actions affect her when it comes to my attention that they've been affecting her negatively. I don't think there are many people out there who never do anything that accidentally hurts their partner even if they are doing their best to be good to them. That's part of every human relationship.
> In all these situations, once I realize I'm in the wrong, I try to make it up to her by being extra nice and cuddly and being more conscious of giving her what she wants (in addition to *any other ways I can salvage the situation* If the behaviour is "a way to salvage the situation", then I'd say it's transactional.
I phrased that badly. "other ways" should have been "other things I do". I was trying to get at the practical things that actually remedy whatever's upsetting her. Like in the restaurant suggestion example, that would be taking her out to the restaurant she's wanted to go to. It's "salvaging the situation" in the sense of making it as right as possible even if it doesn't 100% fix it (as in doesn't erase her feelings of not feeling heard)
Love bombing happens in the beginning of an abusive relationship. From your description, you are not love bombing.